Hi everyone. I don't know how to start it right... We've been living with my husband for almost 6 years together, till one day, out of the blue he said he said about his intentions of going through divorce. He can't clearly explain his reasons behind going through divorce, he just saying the he's not happy in marriage and refusing of visiting a family therapist. I don't know if I should keep trying to save this marriage, the way he behave seems like he's having an affaid. I don't know what should I do, so I'll be thankful for any advice.
Welcome. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome Thread for you.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-65, D32,S31
I was hoping on receiving some support and advices, not the list of books that I should buy. You have to understand that it's a really hard time for me and I'm not in condition of reading a book...
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Take the advice that you want and the most important thing that is contained here is to
KEEP POSTING.
Ask questions and you are more likely to get answers.
Hi DVa,
I sorry you're going through this.
It feels horrible to be in the situation you're in. It really stinks and we all know how much it hurts.
I've only been here for about six weeks but I can tell you, you've come to the right place. There are soooo many people here who are so empathetic and have gone through this themselves.
I can tell you a few things advice wise that are working for me right now.
Heed the advice from Job above. Then, READ EVERYTHING ELSE THERE IS ON THIS BOARD. (Once you've read the above, do the rest in smaller doses.)
Say "STOP" out loud and breathe deeply when your mind goes to really crappy places.
Accept the thoughts and emotions you're having and feeling as completely normal even if they don't feel that way. (My mind is everywhere still.)
Don't make any decisions driven by emotion.You have time on your side so wait for all that. (I have to tell myself that daily.)
Even if you think its hocus pocus, get a meditation app and use it. It will calm your mind even if it's just for five minutes at a time. (I always thought that was crap. It's not.)
Keep posting.
We provide this useful Welcome Posting to each and every poster that comes here. The list of links that I posted are not books...they are threads/postings by our forum members. They will offer you valuable information to help you through the days to come and may even offer you some answers to your questions.
Now, to the nitty gritty, you need to provide more information so that we can assist you. For example, how old is your h? Has anything happened in the last 18-24 months that may have triggered his thinking that he is unhappy w/the relationship/marriage. For example, death of a co-worker, friend and/or family member? Birth of a child, empty nester, health issues, loss of a job or a new promotion, bankruptcy, class reunion, etc.?
Sounds like he may have met someone. Have you noticed him using he phone or the computer more often? Trying to convince him to see a therapist right now will not work. He doesn't think he's got an issue and he's not ready to seek help for that unhappiness or the relationship.
I suggest that you give him plenty of space and time to work out his issues. Try to refrain from discussing the relationship and divorce. While he is doing that, you need to keep the focus on you, watch your bank accounts and credit card statements. I would also suggest seeing out a lawyer to see what your options are if a divorce proceedings are initiated. Whatever you learn, do not share it w/him. The same applies to this site. This site is for you to come here, ask questions and take away from the discussions what can assist you.
Dig deeper for patience, keep the focus on you and try not to over analyze his every word or action. Remember, actions speak louder than words.
he just saying the he's not happy
This is edited to be what you should be hearing.
He is not happy and that is not your fault.
He is going through something that is causing this and their is nothing you can do to
change him or his thoughts.
All you can do is change YOU and pray that he comes through what he is going through.
It is basic DB.
I know it might not be what you want to hear.
Keep Posting
What if that b@stard is cheating, should I pray for him in that case too? I did everything from my side to save that marriage, if he needed more time could simply said that. Saying out of blue, that you want to divorce, like those years together meant nothing for him, not even explaining anything properly...
Probably, he needs even more prayer in that case. Everything you describe is exactly what most of us here have been through. No sense, no logic, no consideration for you as the LBS. You will find lots of stories you can relate to and endless amounts of great advice. Keep reading, and hang in there.
Read all of the links above. They are not advertisements. They are guides. Although, every situation is different, when you have a wayward or walkaway spouse, the action you need to take is the same.
All wayward and walkaway spouses act very similar. In fact so similar its freaky and seems like its a script. Because of this, what you need to do is fairly straight forward yet very counterintuitive.
In short, you need to back off of your husband. You need to accept that there is absolutely nothing you can do to make him stop what he is doing. If you keep pushing, he will pull away faster and faster.
If he is cheating, you need to make the decision if thats a dealbreaker or not. It was for me and therefore I ended up divorced.
Right now you focus on you. Stop any negative behaviors that contributed to your 50% of the marriage. Better yourself. Go to the gym, get busy, get a life, get into the world and do something with yourself. Detach. Aka back off. Let him be. Focus solely on yourself. Doung what makes you happy. Drop all expectations of the marriage and any expectations you have of him. This is to protect yourself emotionally and may, and I mean may, impact him by making him feel the loss of you. But thats not the goal.
The goal is to get yourself to a point where you are not an emotional wreck and are ok with the possibility that you may end up single. Work on yourself. Become the strong, independent, emotionally mature woman who loves herself and gives herself what she deserves.
Stop all talks about the relationship. Stop begging, pleading, fighting etc. It does nothing positive. Read everything posted by Cadet. Read it again after. Keep posting, especially if you want to talk to your H or take any sort of action. It hurts and its a very long journey and process. But you will end up a better person single or married, if you appropriately apply these techniques to your life.
You have to understand that you are viewing his symptoms but the root cause of his issues are hidden.
You did not break him and you can not FIX him.
It sounds hard and impossible, but the best thing you can do right now is work on yourself. Keep yourself busy and keep yourself happy.
As people say above - have no expectations. Act 'as if' everything is fine in your life. The more happier you feel, it will continue with little effort. I find that now, months after, I'm feeling really good and actually a bit excited about what might happen. I'm increasingly of the opinion that if you stay positive, then positive things will happen.
My situation is slightly different in that I was unfaithful to my W, but she is the one rushing through D. For me, this was 3-4 months from initial discovery to being served papers and house up for sale.
Do not mention your relationship to your spouse. Drop the rope and let them go. Focus on you.
I'm don't think I'm able to change anything with the way that he choose to conduct...Neither how to continue living like nothing happened. We had a really large fight about our relationships, he still refusing of visiting a family therapist. He's not even valuing me...I think it's better for me to fill all divorce papers and just get it over with it... I really tried my best, by I can't work out everything for him, it's impossible to live with each other without being completely open about your feelings. What would be the best way to start the divorce process? We're on a budget, so I'm afraid to ask how much would it cost of going through divorce process. Is it okay using online for that kind of purpose? Or should I hire an attorney instead? What are my options here?
I'm don't think I'm able to change anything with the way that he choose to conduct...Neither how to continue living like nothing happened. We had a really large fight about our relationships, he still refusing of visiting a family therapist. He's not even valuing me.
I completely relate to your feelings of frustration and hoplessness. If you read other's stories you'll realize (as it's already been stated above) that his behavior is the same or similar to everyone else's WHs/WWs.
Sounds like you're at your whit's end. We get it.
How long has this been going on? Seems like there might be more to do.
it's impossible to live with each other without being completely open about your feelings.
It does seem impossible. It feels impossible. I feel it's impossible every day. Then I DECIDE it's not.
It's just counter intuitive and as difficult a thing as there is ever to do. I'm struggling mightily with it but it can be done.
What would be the best way to start the divorce process? We're on a budget, so I'm afraid to ask how much would it cost of going through divorce process.
I would slow down.
You stated your divorce options pretty well as far attorneys go. I might go see one to find out information and see what you might have to do to protect yourself. If you file, in many states, that takes a lot of your control out of you hands and into the court. You don't want that.
Don't make big decisions right now.
Dianne,
As a moderator and a poster, I am going to give you some "gentle" advice. I realize that you are new to the forums and may not have taken the time to read the Board policies, but one of the policies is not to post links to other sites, especially those that are very similar to what we do here. Cadet has been kind enough to edit out the links that you've posted recently.
I'm don't think I'm able to change anything with the way that he choose to conduct...Neither how to continue living like nothing happened. We had a really large fight about our relationships, he still refusing of visiting a family therapist. He's not even valuing me...I think it's better for me to fill all divorce papers and just get it over with it... I really tried my best, by I can't work out everything for him, it's impossible to live with each other without being completely open about your feelings. What would be the best way to start the divorce process? We're on a budget, so I'm afraid to ask how much would it cost of going through divorce process. Is it okay using online for that kind of purpose? Or should I hire an attorney instead? What are my options here?
Have you gone to or considered going to individual counseling even if your H won't go to marriage counseling?
What is your WAS's conduct like? Can you give an example of the dynamic and discussions between the two of you where there lies conflicts?