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My Story #2

Posted By: phnix

My Story #2 - 09/13/19 04:03 PM

Link to old thread:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2859876#Post2859876

I will try to stand up for myself and demand respect. I know I need to voice that I do not want to talk about the affair and that I am done with our relationship until the affair has ended. She will have to continue to sleep in another room.

Last night it blew up when I mentioned I knew that she called him again on Sunday and coming home on Tuesday from our sons banquet. I told her this has to stop and that I do not agree with her actions. She blew up and was pIssed that I had checked our phone bill. She immediatley said she wanted a divorce and didn't want to be married. I told her to file for Divorce and send papers to my lawyer.

She has spent all morning texting me and trying to call. Has apologized for last night and doesn't want to leave the house.

She is currently sleeping in another room however I have asked her to move out. She has nowhere to go and refuses to leave the house. I'm afraid the best way to heal is to have her out of the home.

Posted By: joejoe1

Re: My Story #2 - 09/13/19 05:43 PM

BB,

Stop telling her what to do. You can't force another person to do anything. But what you can do is state what you won't tolerate. Start stating your boundaries.

Example: I know you were talking to him on Sunday and Tuesday, I will not live in an open marriage.
Example: I know you were talking to him on Sunday and Tuesday, I won't be disrespected in this M.
Example: I know you were talking to him on Sunday and Tuesday, I don't agree with your actions. I won't share my wife with OM.

If you know of consequences, you can follow your boundaries with them. Butt, IMO, one of the hardest portions of DB, is holding the WW spouses the the consequences presented. So don't state any consequences until you are ready to hold her feet to the fire.

Example: I know you were talking to him on Sunday and Tuesday, I will not live in an open marriage. And if you continue talking to him, I will file for D. ( The next time you catch her talking to him, you have to file for D or your consequence, become a moot statement)

You have a right to check the phone bill, she can get mad all she wants.

Let's look at that scenario logically: Is there anything wrong with looking at a phone bill: NO
So if a person is getting mad because a phone bill is being looked at, they have the problem. Don't let her make you feel guilty.

Great job on telling her to file for D.

Stay calm, as calm as you can in this storm, it will pass.
Posted By: SoTorn

Re: My Story #2 - 09/13/19 09:50 PM

Originally Posted by bballer1
Link to old thread:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2859876#Post2859876

I will try to stand up for myself and demand respect. I know I need to voice that I do not want to talk about the affair and that I am done with our relationship until the affair has ended. She will have to continue to sleep in another room.

Last night it blew up when I mentioned I knew that she called him again on Sunday and coming home on Tuesday from our sons banquet. I told her this has to stop and that I do not agree with her actions. She blew up and was pIssed that I had checked our phone bill. She immediatley said she wanted a divorce and didn't want to be married. I told her to file for Divorce and send papers to my lawyer.

She has spent all morning texting me and trying to call. Has apologized for last night and doesn't want to leave the house.

She is currently sleeping in another room however I have asked her to move out. She has nowhere to go and refuses to leave the house. I'm afraid the best way to heal is to have her out of the home.



They turn it around like youre the bad guy. My EXWW was livid that I hired a PI. She said "I cant be married to a man I dont trust who has me followed ".

Really exww? Im not trustworthy because I caught you banging your boss?!? Bye then.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 09/16/19 01:16 PM

Weekend went pretty well. Her brother got married so we attended the wedding with our family. Everyone was in the wedding. Kind of hard to detach during this time.

She is catching heat at work and the big boss came to see her on Friday. She is worried to death about losing her job and everyone knowing about the situation. Itís crazy how they try to control everything but Iím the end it is inevitable that everyone will know. We live in a small town and everyone already knows. She is kidding herself to think she can control this from getting out.

The pain she is feeling now finally has her thinking more rationally. She stated she will have to get another job outside the county, well duh... She has asked me to seek couples therapy which I replied, Iím not sure the time is right for that and I was still processing all this information. She had came back to the master bedroom even though Iíve told her she needs to sleep in the other room.

She continues to get angry and place blame for me telling the OMís wife. The OMís wife has tried to contact her and finally this morning she responded back to one of her text.

As this progresses she will probably continue to blame me since I let his wife know.
Posted By: neffer

Re: My Story #2 - 09/16/19 03:19 PM

Donīt expect anything. Common sence will come in patches. Wayward fog rules the general behaviour. AP addiction takes its toll.

Expect nothing. Get your respect back. Detach, GAL, DB!
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 09/16/19 04:52 PM

Its really hard to just stop thinking about it. I know there is a lot more heartache coming in the future. She has been remorseful at times and then switches back to angry at times.

Time will tell how she is handling it and if she continues to keep secrets from me. I was going to discuss boundaries with her tonight. she has already agreed to disclose phone passwords and all of her secretive behaviors have stopped.

I am not naive enough to know that it won't relapse and begin again. Just don't know if I can wait this out with her continuing to work with her boss. They may end up moving him or moving her before Christmas or they may do like most school systems and sweep it under the rug. Being in a small school district however, everyone knows what is going on.
Posted By: neffer

Re: My Story #2 - 09/16/19 05:33 PM

Do you need to discuss boundaries? Let her go. Let you go.

Respect. Stick to DB!
Posted By: Tryhard

Re: My Story #2 - 09/16/19 06:07 PM

Neffer is right . The boundaries are for YOU . Ie I will Not stay as second choice , I will not be cheated on etc
Posted By: Jac12

Re: My Story #2 - 09/17/19 01:17 AM

I also agree with Neffer and Tryhard.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 09/17/19 03:04 AM

Wow! What a day for her. The big boss told them to stay away from each other unless they have a meeting. The OMís wife called her and she said some really nasty things to upset her. She also stated she had a lawyer and the evidence would cost them their jobs and possibly their careers.

Iíd really hate this for my wife and our family. Maybe it was a mistake to tell the OMís wife. My wife was angry and continues to blame me. I tried to get her to leave our bed but she refused. I need her out and it will help me somewhat with moving forward.

Someone said earlier that exposure is like fireworks and it seems to be the case. Just craziness around here right now.
Posted By: Vapo

Re: My Story #2 - 09/17/19 07:45 AM


Originally Posted by bballer1
Wow! What a day for her. The big boss told them to stay away from each other unless they have a meeting. The OMís wife called her and she said some really nasty things to upset her. She also stated she had a lawyer and the evidence would cost them their jobs and possibly their careers.

Iíd really hate this for my wife and our family. Maybe it was a mistake to tell the OMís wife. My wife was angry and continues to blame me. I tried to get her to leave our bed but she refused. I need her out and it will help me somewhat with moving forward.

Someone said earlier that exposure is like fireworks and it seems to be the case. Just craziness around here right now.


Maybe telling OM's wife was a mistake? Hell, you have been told so from many of us. Now your W is pissed at you for the stuff she did. She found a scapegoat in you. And as a added bonus, she is united with OM in her internal movie US vs. THE WORLD.

Now butt out from her affairs (pun intended). Not your monkey, not your circus. The more you mettle, the more you will catch heat. You have your own growing to do. Get your a$$ in gear and let her be. You cannot do anything to help her or your situation, but you sure as heII can make matters worse.
Posted By: AnotherStander

Re: My Story #2 - 09/17/19 01:07 PM

^^^Yup^^^ All you can do now is put as much distance between you and your W as possible. It's all her mess to deal with.

By the way, do you have a lawyer? If not get one. Explain everything to them and ask for advice. Your W could be out a job and career very soon, if D is inevitable then you may want to pursue it sooner rather than later because divorcing an employed W is going to be a lot gentler on your finances then divorcing someone who has no job and maybe no career.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 09/17/19 01:14 PM

Yes Iíve already received advice from a lawyer. I think Iím fine due to the evidence I have etc... I have retained one anyways just in case. He is one of the best in our area.

My wife isnít going anywhere and for some reason if wanting to keep me as a backup plan I guess. As I move forward she gets angrier that Iím not falling at her feet and trying to constantly comfort her.

Iím thinking it will take a lot of patience for this to play out.
Posted By: joejoe1

Re: My Story #2 - 09/17/19 01:47 PM

BB,

Are you willing to be her backup plan? Have you set your boundaries? What do you want for yourself and your future?

Your WW is on a long path of self reflection. Get out of her way!!!! She's wants sympathy, poor her!

Her new lines, "I made a mistake"
"My life is ruined"
"Why did you tell his Wife, you didn't have to tell her"
"I'm not a bad person"
"Stop treating me like a criminal, everyone is treating me like a criminal"

Get out of her way! All those terms above is from a person looking to be rescue from the DESTRUCTION SHE HAS CAUSED. Now SHE has to deal with the CONSEQUENCES. It's not your job to RESCUE HER. It's your job to validate and be the light tower.

Validation:

"I made a mistake, it was a mistake" You, "no comment, no need to validate or say a word"
"My life is ruined, you ruined my life by telling his wife". You, "no comment, no need to validate or say a word"
"Why did you tell his Wife, you didn't have to tell her" You (If you want to be honest, "because she asked me and could no longer live with this lie.) No comments after that.
"I'm not a bad person" You, "you are not a bad person"
"Stop treating me like a criminal, everyone is treating me like a criminal" You, "You aren't a criminal".

Keep moving forward, keep posting.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 09/17/19 01:54 PM

WOW! Great stuff "joejoe1". You hit the nail on the head!! Exactly what I am experiencing. Thanks for the advice.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 09/17/19 01:55 PM

It's hard because I feel like I need to help rescue her and its the opposite. She has to rescue herself and find it within herself.
I've got to move forward.
Posted By: Tryhard

Re: My Story #2 - 09/17/19 02:32 PM

One of the hardest things you will have to do . Be strong , you can do it
Posted By: neffer

Re: My Story #2 - 09/17/19 02:35 PM

Yes, you need to DB.

Detach. GAL.

DB!
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 09/17/19 05:04 PM

Well Books-A-Million doesn't have the books in stock. Someone earlier suggested Divorce Remedy. Which book should I order? I'm going to print Sandy's rules again and read over them. Divorce Busting principles I am assuming are doing 180's and following Sandy's rules.

Detaching would be letting go of the relationship meaning not relying on her for emotional support and finding happiness within myself and living my life. Spending more time with my son and re-focusing on my job and other commitments.

GAL - Spending time away from home or doing things to grow. Ex: Going to coaching seminars and playing golf.

Any advice would help. Going to be hard as she has texted me all morning wanting emotional support etc... She called and I quickly tried to get off the phone which she did not like. I also made her sleep in the other bed last night as it helps me with letting go of the relationship. I don't trust her and really don't feel like being let down again.

I checked her phone and noticed she had used her App store very recently so I assumed she may have downloaded an App to talk with him, which is what I caught her doing last week but she didn't admit to it. She downloaded a texting app and then deleted it from her phone. She actually gave me her phone trying to be transparent but didn't think I would notice.
Posted By: joejoe1

Re: My Story #2 - 09/17/19 05:21 PM

BB,

Coming here helps prepare you for the pain and hardship. It's like training for a deployment. The training [censored] and we know that the deployment will suck, but we also know without the training we will be in for a world of hurt.

Coming here is preparing you for the deployment. It's not going to be easy and it's going to suck, but you will come out the otherside faster, stronger and smarter and go into the pain somewhat prepared with the understanding of what may take place.

Keeping moving forward.
Posted By: LH19

Re: My Story #2 - 09/17/19 05:22 PM

Waywards are like crack addicts and not good at covering tracks when trying to get there next fix. Do not be her therapist or emotional tampon!
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 09/17/19 05:29 PM

WOW! I just read Sandi's 2 threads and will read all of them. How did I miss reading these initially? I have made so many mistakes over the course of the past two months that it now seems like I can't possibly save this marriage. Is it too late to show Tough Love and get this back on track and earn respect back from her?

Should I show tough love now that her exposure to some point was at my hands? Round and Round we go!!
Posted By: joejoe1

Re: My Story #2 - 09/17/19 05:54 PM

BB,

You can always apply tough love. It's never too late. We all have made mistakes, start with today. Start following Sandi rules now!!!

Stop holding the blame for her affair on your hands. The reason for her exposure is because of her A. If she wasn't having an A, exposure would never been a problem. Let it go. You told another the Spouse the truth and live on those words. You told another Spouse the Truth. You told another Spouse the truth.

Move forward.
Posted By: AnotherStander

Re: My Story #2 - 09/17/19 05:55 PM

Originally Posted by bballer1
Someone earlier suggested Divorce Remedy.


DR was written after DB and is really just an updated version of DB. So get that one.

Quote
Detaching would be letting go of the relationship meaning not relying on her for emotional support and finding happiness within myself and living my life. Spending more time with my son and re-focusing on my job and other commitments.


Yes. It's not a flip you switch, it takes time to get there.

Quote
GAL - Spending time away from home or doing things to grow. Ex: Going to coaching seminars and playing golf.


Right, or having dinner with an old friend, going to a painting class, taking your kid to the park to fly a kite, working on a car, sculpting, building a model, volunteering with Habitat, jogging, cycling, etc. etc. Anything that takes your mind off of things.

Quote
Going to be hard as she has texted me all morning wanting emotional support etc... She called and I quickly tried to get off the phone which she did not like.


It's only hard because you want to be nice. But being nice isn't going to earn you a thing with her.

Quote
I also made her sleep in the other bed last night as it helps me with letting go of the relationship. I don't trust her and really don't feel like being let down again.


Good!

Quote
I checked her phone and noticed she had used her App store very recently so I assumed she may have downloaded an App to talk with him, which is what I caught her doing last week but she didn't admit to it. She downloaded a texting app and then deleted it from her phone. She actually gave me her phone trying to be transparent but didn't think I would notice.


Yes this is exactly what we told you would happen. You caught her, you confronted her, so now she has gone deeper undercover with her activities. She thinks she is being so darned clever. I would not confront her again, but continue your detachment. If she says something like "why are you treating me like this, I told you I don't talk to OM anymore" then just say "we both know that's not true" and walk away. Don't explain, don't elaborate. Just let that hang in the air.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 09/18/19 01:31 PM

My situation may be somewhat different due to my own infidelity 15 years ago. From past conversations she still holds resentment for that incident and justifies my pain by saying she also endured it for a year. Somehow she rationalizes what she is going through as me putting her through it back then.

Should I consider handling this any differently due to my past mistakes and what I put her through during that time period. What I am trying to say is that should I be careful in how I detach or show tough love?

Our sleeping arrangements remain the same and she continues to want to sleep in our bed. I am thinking of changing checking accounts and splitting it as Sandi suggest. I have tried to be hesitant in being judgmental due to my situation many years ago.

She is begging that she wants to work on the marriage and willing to save it now that I have started to pull away, however I am not naive to know that she isn't just going to stop. I do believe the physical has stopped but the emotional attachment is still there due to seeing him everyday. She admits they talk in passing etc...

I also know that I can't fully heal with her working her job and seeing him everyday. Given she will likely change jobs next year and dealing with this for a year will be unbearable. I know I have to detach and move forward in case of more betrayal and possible divorce in the future.

I mentioned my father said someone called to tell them what was going on, meaning most people in town was talking about it. Her response was it is just rumors and that's the way I am looking at it. JUST RUMORS, REALLY?
Posted By: SoTorn

Re: My Story #2 - 09/18/19 03:29 PM

The past is the past. There is zero justification in stepping out on your marriage. If she was unhappy and didnt think she could move past your poor choices in the past, she should have just left and filed for D. You cannot change the past. You can however forge the future.

Stop talking to everyone about it. The A is out in the open now. Just keep quiet about it. Nothing changes, you still need to focus on yourself. Thats it. Stop focusing on W, stop worrying about what everyone else is doing or thinking. Walk your path, dust your shoulder off and move forward.

If your WW wants to work it out she needs to show you. Words mean nothing. Actions mean everything. Again my Ex WW cheated with her boss. In the small window where I would have maybe reconciled, my EXWW would have had to quit her job. She would have had to choose me and our family over OM and her job. There wasn't a chance in h3ll that she was going to do that. So I quickly dropped any hope that R would happen at all.

She can't focus on you and your MR if she is seeing OM or talking to him at all. She would have to completely remove herself from any sort of interaction. Thats not for you to tell her though. You can't give her an instruction manual on how to repair your MR.
Posted By: AnotherStander

Re: My Story #2 - 09/18/19 06:11 PM

BB, when a woman decides she's done with the marriage and goes wayward, she will drag up every reason great and small from throughout history to justify her actions. I'm not giving you a free pass on what happened, but being 15 years ago I doubt it was a major factor in her current decision to go wayward. My XW came up with some pretty desperate stuff because there was nothing like that in our history. So it was things like I was "too hard on the kids". But then later she said "can you tell the kids to do XYZ, they always listen to you but never do what I say". I think even she saw the irony in it. Things that she used to hold up as your strengths are now things to complain about. Things that were your weaknesses are things to complain about. Things that you never did or said are now things to complain about. Welcome to WW world!
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 09/20/19 01:59 AM

Ok Iíve put her out the master bedroom and I have been coming home late trying to stay busy at work. I have also quit texting her every time she text me during the day.

Now as I pull away she seems to be pulling away as well. She was concerned and worried for maybe one day but the past two days she seems to be pulling further away from me. She didnít say maybe two words tonight and she went to her room and has been working on school work

School work is just a front however because she has 3 hours of planning and stays after 3:00 until about 6:00 each day waiting on our son to get done with football practice. She obviously isnít getting much done at work.

Do spouses typically tend to pul further away once you begin to detach.
Posted By: Jac12

Re: My Story #2 - 09/20/19 02:57 AM

Mine has baller. But you know what? The more I detach the less I care about what she's doing or with who. And if this is the person she's going to be then I don't want to be with her anyways.

So it's a bit of a waiting game...if she really is this person then I figure I don't want her in my life anyhow. If she isn't this person and is going through something (whatever that is) then maybe she'll be back and I'll have a choice to make. But either way I feel stronger with who I am and what I stand for.
Posted By: LH19

Re: My Story #2 - 09/20/19 06:03 AM

B,

Yeah itís not surprising sheís ďpulling awayĒ. I use it in quotes because she was never there in the first place. She was just using you for moral support. If you guys work this out it will take years. Until she comes to you and says ďballer Iíll do whatever it takes to work this outĒ. Keep detaching and GAL. Remember, you donít even know if the A is over. Until she goes completely through the withdrawals you cannot truly reconcile.
Posted By: AnotherStander

Re: My Story #2 - 09/20/19 11:34 AM

Originally Posted by bballer1
Ok Iíve put her out the master bedroom and I have been coming home late trying to stay busy at work. I have also quit texting her every time she text me during the day.


Great. Now have ZERO expectations. Don't watch her like a hawk to see if she's getting closer, or pulling away, or wondering why she's not reacting, or reacting negatively. Because any of that is STILL you not pulling away like you think you are, right?

Quote
Now as I pull away she seems to be pulling away as well. She was concerned and worried for maybe one day but the past two days she seems to be pulling further away from me. She didnít say maybe two words tonight and she went to her room and has been working on school work


Case in point. What she does needs to cease to be your concern. When you have time, read TXHubby's sitch:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=60640&Number=2748478#Post2748478

He started out as a very typical DBer, trying all the "tricks" and monitoring his cheating W for results. Stuck in limbo and slowly dying because of it. Then one day he had an epiphany, asked himself why he was letting his W have so much control over his health, safety and well-being. In an instant he detached and dropped the rope and never looked back, he was DONE. He went about doing his own thing and barely said two words to his W unless he absolutely had to. He didn't care what she did or with who, he got busy doing his own thing. Lost weight, dressed like a stud, occupied himself with all kinds of GAL activities. THEN his W realized not what she "was losing" but "had already lost" and she literally begged him to take her back.

^^^THAT is what it takes.^^^ All this "I've detached but my wife is doing ABC and not doing XYZ, why? What am I doing wrong?", that is NOT detachment. It is pretend detachment, and it will make NO DIFFERENCE in your sitch. Seek to understand what REAL detachment is and pursue it.
Posted By: neffer

Re: My Story #2 - 09/20/19 02:47 PM

Yeap. What LH and AS are saying. Detach is not giving a f@ck.

No fear BB. Her loss.

GAL, detach, DB!

(((BB)))
Posted By: hoosjim

Re: My Story #2 - 09/20/19 03:43 PM

Quote
Yeah itís not surprising sheís ďpulling awayĒ. I use it in quotes because she was never there in the first place. She was just using you for moral support. If you guys work this out it will take years. Until she comes to you and says ďballer Iíll do whatever it takes to work this outĒ.


LH is absolutely right that the onus is on her to do "her" work and make amends and show true contrition and demonstrate a commitment to fixing things, etc etc... but i would take issue with the "it will take years". IMHO (and in my experience) time-frame with WWs is largely irrelevant once the affair matures-- that is, you are a few months in. Sandi2 herself has said on numerous occasions that the timeframe for affair recovery and reconcilliation (where possible, because it not always is) would be drastically shortened in many cases if the LBH upon affair discovery immediately "dropped his own bomb" and said "get out, I'm done with you." Sadly, most of us, myself included, are not so sharp and on the ball and/or have not been properly coached/advised. Others, as AnotherStander has noted, go through the motions of DB-ing and setting boundaries and detaching but do not truly do so... and a WW can smell such insincerity like a shark smells blood. The bottom line is that the affair will end and reconciliation, if possible, will start at whatever point the WW suffers or recognizes some kind of "loss" from her wayward behavior and hits "rock bottom". By definition almost, that will not happen while you are still "attached" and interested in her and her doings and her affair(s), nor will it happen before you become, through GAL-ing and DB-ing, the best you you can become and AMOAFWL. You need to drop the rope and move on with your own awesome life. For better or worse, we all manage to achieve such success and detachment at varying rates of speed, and affairs, once "ripe" have an indeterminate lifespan... though certainly one measured at a minimum in weeks to months. This can mean that, after you get hit with the initial BD, it can be anywhere from a few weeks to, yes, several years before any true reconciliation/piecing begins (in my opinion it doesn't need to be "years"-- it was not in my case--13 months-- nor, i believe, was it the case with TXHubby or Sandi2, though i could be mis-remembering). The focus, however, should be on you and not on any kind of countdown clock... if you're truly detached, the length of the affair and of your W's waywardness will not be of concern to you.

So the end advice from me is the same: Detach, detach, detach, GAL, GAL, GAL.... It's just that i always thought the pronouncement of "it will take years" (and there is a sizeable contingent on this board that preaches that) is a bit too "gloom and doomer". This is, after all, divorce busting, meaning, i would presume, that one of the desired goals of one's self improvement, detachment, etc is, if possible and consistent with our own new, awesome life, a reconciliation of the MR. Maybe some think it is too hard for a person to entertain that future possibility in the back of their mind and be truly "detached", but i do not. Rather, it's a matter of getting yourself in the right frame of mind that you will be just fine whether or not your MR reconciles even as, all else being equal, you view reconciliation as a desirable goal.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 09/20/19 05:23 PM

jac12 and LH19, I agree with both of you guys. Trying to detach has helped me with moving forward but I always have this strong urge to comfort her or I get caught up in a hug or a kiss etc.....

Last night she decided to vent a little and I ended up walking away. Before I got out she was crying and telling me that she loved this man and she loved me too. Either way she is gone and lost in the world that she has created. I think her anger is due to me telling the OM's wife and now she is coming after them and causing them discomfort in their jobs.

I will have to admit trying to Detach and GAL is so difficult at this point but its getting easier. I wish the process could be a lot quicker somehow. Its hard to just move forward and forget about the past. She is so caught up emotionally and attached to him that she may never make a choice to leave the affair. Rumors, destroyed lives, broken homes, damaged kids, devastated family members, and damaged careers - none of this matters or hits home.

On a positive note, my book arrives tomorrow. I have you guys to talk too!!! I have two sons that love me and will forever be by my side. I have a lot to be thankful for and I am never alone in this struggle. I am truly thankful for the folks on here that respond and help others out. I feel like I need a huge vacation right now.

Slowly getting stronger everyday but darn it's a SLOW process.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 09/20/19 05:33 PM

Sorry, didn't read the other post before posting.

"hoosjim" - Thank you for your write up. This makes a lot of sense and thanks for the other thread to read. She did mention she may move in with her parents and this will help with me detaching. I've already asked her to continue staying in another room and would never have thought about doing that a couple of weeks ago. Maybe my process is slower but I feel better knowing that some have taken longer to learn how to Detach. GAL is easy for me because I play a lot of golf and that takes up a lot of my time during the day on the weekends.
Posted By: LH19

Re: My Story #2 - 09/20/19 06:11 PM

I donít know HJ, Steve is one of our quickest turnarounds and heís still figuring out years later. Maybe I should have said it will be many many years until this is completely behind you.
Posted By: joejoe1

Re: My Story #2 - 09/20/19 06:21 PM

BB,

I agree with Jim on the time frame of possible recon. I came to this board in Aug 2017. I DB a month before, I had, had enough of her BS. In Sept of 2017, I fully prepared myself to be divorced and moving on. So, in Sept 2017, on a night o caught my WW talking to the OM again, I told her to pack her sh!t and get the hell out. I meant it, I didn't asked her too come back, after that night, I started moving forward with my life. By the end of OCT 2017, she was texting me, calling me everyday, I would always keep it short. And then while we would be around each other she would touch me, I would just look at her, like what are you doing. If I remember correctly, on Halloween or the day before, I asked her what's is she doing, she said, "I'm working on this marriage, I don't know about you". I was like huh! Ok

But that was a two month turn around. No telling, where I would of been without, this forum and the Vets. I had AS, Sandi, TXHubby, a few others, giving me great advice.

I will add on to what the others are saying about some things that hinder progress. I really think, the most LBSs are emotionally attached to ONE outcome and that's recon. Being attached to that one outcome makes most LBS afraid to do anything to upset their Wayward spouses, but what I've noticed is once most LB detach themselves from the outcome being recon and Accept, that they can't control the outcome, they DB more effectively. Key word ACCEPT!

I sat in my car and ran every possible outcome thru my head, I cried thinking about D and S. I saw myself being Divorced and separated. It hurt, but it help me ACCEPT whatever happened from that point on.

Let go of recon and focus on DB!!!!
Posted By: Jac12

Re: My Story #2 - 09/20/19 07:43 PM

Baller - just keep in mind that your W chose this path. It's hers to walk and she'll have to figure out what the next steps are for herself.

The stronger you are, in every sense of the word, the more respect she'll have for you and that increases your chances of getting back together (if you choose to want that down the road).

I'm going through separation agreement things right now and she doesn't seem to care one bit that she's broken up this family (but she also thinks she'll get 50/50 custody and she won't owe me anything - read my update to see what my L said today). It's brutal and heartwrenching but if this is who she is than I don't want her in my life. If she does the hard work on herself to change than I will be open to getting back to where we were but that door is closing more each week.

Be strong for your kids and set a good example. Let your W realize things on her own.
Posted By: hoosjim

Re: My Story #2 - 09/20/19 08:27 PM

Quote
Maybe I should have said it will be many many years until this is completely behind you.


I'd say i agree with that.

From affair start to BD was about six to eight weeks, depending on when you consider the line to "EA" being crossed, and from BD to starting counseling in any even kind of meaningful fashion was 7 months. Even then, it turned out W was still entertaining phone calls from OM at her work and the ultimate turnaround-- which was dramatic--didn't come until 14 months after initial BD. Even at that point, however, you're only just starting down the path. We still have points where the affair or her waywardness comes up as an issue, and that doesn't even count the other marital issues that pre-existed the A that we had to work on and still face from time to time. Once something like that (an affair) happens in a marriage, I'd say the "work" to repair it never really ends, though i'd imagine you'd reach a plateau after a point (as you intimate, probably years later) where it is merely an unpleasant memory and doesn't warrant any "work" on improving/protecting the MR. We are currently two-plus years past any "active" contact between my W and OM, and 18 months past "No contact of any kind", and it still has the proven potential to pop up as an issue. We even had a discussion about it while we were away this past weekend for our 24th anniversary. The work never stops.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 09/20/19 08:37 PM

Joe,
Makes perfect sense focusing on the right thing helps you detach. One thing that helps me lately is the thought of my old marriage being dead and that my wife is a different person. I have also been dealing with this for 3 months and I have witnessed a lot of betrayal and disrespect. Watching her live this double life and knowing the facts has hardened my heart to some degree. Not many people stumble across the information I did. Looking back I wish I hadn't because I know everything that happened in detail.

Doubts of Recon have seriously crossed my mind and has allowed me to move forward. Knowing she would have to work in this environment for a year is something I'm not sure I can live with unless I completely detach.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 09/23/19 03:51 AM

The weekend went fairly well. Spent time doing things outside the house and I told her to use the other room and bathroom so she wouldnít be coming into the master bedroom. She was perfectly fine with doing it.

Didnít do much talking and she seems to be pulling away too and thatís fine. Iíve got a gut feeling her next move will be to move out of the house at some point. She is still concerned and worried about losing her job. She is also highly concerned about the OMís wife telling everyone in our small town. These are the things she wants to talk about in passing or after we eat dinner and the kids go to their rooms.

I was coming out of the grocery store and the OMís wife was waiting by my car in the parking lot. She is struggling and says she will be divorcing her husband. She claimed she was waiting to see if my wife came out and she was going to confront her. All I said to her was that this will not end until they have Ďno contactĒ and if they decide to break it off.

Bad news is usually given out on Friday so there wasnít a change in the job situation. Seems that they will sweep it under the rug which is what usually happens in the school system unless it effects child safety.

The woman did mention her husband was getting counseling and that was odd because my wife has also decided to get individual counseling this week. She wanted to do couples therapy but I told her I wasnít ready for that right now. If we went it wouldnít do any good due to her not being fully committed to it. I think she wants to just to save face and show people that she tried to work on our marriage.

Read parts of the book and will try to make a written plan for moving forward. Doing the 180ís is difficult if done the right way. The communication part is most difficult to grasp unless you fully let her go. Iím slowly trying to learn this process.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 09/25/19 01:14 PM

Any thoughts on Limerence and why spouses that are infatuated and obsessed with their partner will not leave their marriage.

The more I look at Limerence and if it is requited the more likely it seems recovery is more difficult.

On a positive note, I have been doing well and doing the 180's when at home.
Posted By: LH19

Re: My Story #2 - 09/25/19 01:37 PM

IMO it is because the man thinks with logic and reason. He realizes that he will lose half his assets, pay child support/alimony and share custody of the kids. Those consequences most likely keep him from leaving his W. He may only be in the A for the sex and thrill anyways.

There was a poster on here who was obsessed with limerence and was 100% convinced that once that ended his w would return. Itís been 3 years and as far as I know his w is still with om.
Posted By: ovrrnbw

Re: My Story #2 - 09/25/19 02:43 PM

On the DB boards, the people who speak of limerence tend to cling to it.

The best thing you can do is to forget about her. Stay out of her way so that she can see that the OM is a dirtbag and that without you she still isn't feeling happy. It will take a while.
Posted By: ovrrnbw

Re: My Story #2 - 09/25/19 02:45 PM

On the DB boards, the people who speak of limerence tend to cling to it.

The best thing you can do is to forget about her. Stay out of her way so that she can see that the OM is a dirtbag and that without you she still isn't feeling happy. It will take a while.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 09/25/19 03:23 PM

I agree with the fixation on Limerence. It's best to leave that alone. Not a lot of encouraging information out there on that topic and will drive you to thinking about the end results which you have no control over. Focusing on her feelings toward the OM is also out of your control and doesn't help with moving forward.

Glad you posted about obsessing over it because I started thinking about it this morning and couldn't get it out of my head. I'll let it go now and not think about it anymore.
Posted By: neffer

Re: My Story #2 - 09/25/19 03:23 PM

Originally Posted by LH19
IMO it is because the man thinks with logic and reason. He realizes that he will lose half his assets, pay child support/alimony and share custody of the kids. Those consequences most likely keep him from leaving his W. He may only be in the A for the sex and thrill anyways.


LH, thatīs somehow what happened to me. It was not for the material possessions, I would never take anything from my family. Had to reach for a past that was hidden to me so as to see what was wrong there. My main trigger was about the protection figure. I needed to protect OW and her little S. But doing that I was leaving my W and my S. I would never do that. There was a little of logic and reason left somewhere and I used that. All the rest was WW fog and limmerence. Then you need willingness (thanks Steve). Itīs about willingness. My W was the lighthouse, I saw her light. Went to IC, asked questions about my past and found this forum. Iīm piecing since 2016.

Thatīs why I remain eternally grateful to all my DB brothers and sisters.

So youīve got some clues BB. Shine your light, detach and get into amoafwl. Be there for your kids and for yourself.

Itīs about respect. And NO FEAR to be yourself. BE that!
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 09/25/19 03:43 PM

Neffer, Are you sure you are not a coach? You know the right things to say to get me to thinking positive. Thanks
Posted By: neffer

Re: My Story #2 - 09/25/19 04:02 PM

Wait! I have kick a$$ emojis too. They are here somewhere. Let me find them!

Keep walking your road BB. You are setting the role model pattern to your kids. Theyīll follow your steps: thereīs honor there. Be proud of that.

Respect!
Posted By: hoosjim

Re: My Story #2 - 09/25/19 08:59 PM

Quote
Any thoughts on Limerence and why spouses that are infatuated and obsessed with their partner will not leave their marriage.


Its just a fancy term for being "in love" or that hormonal, drunk, infatuated feeling you get when you meet a new person and fall "in love" with them. Not sure how it became such a "thing". IMHO you can call it whatever you want, but the bottom line is that the behavior patterns are the same. It's not some special category of affairs or waywardness that gives you some kind of leg up on solving your problems. Lots of people who fall in love with someone new ultimately "end up" with that new person even after the "rush" of new love wears off. Some dont. All you can do is take care of you. Trying to parse and navigate "limerance" (or whatever) focuses way too much on the other party.

Having said that, I remain convinced that, if an affair/relationship has not reached that point of intimacy/infuatuation/whatever, that one's timeline to R, if R is possible, can be shortened somewhat if the affair/relationship can be headed off before it gets that far. Note that more often than not it is NOT possible to achieve such an end (after all, you have no control over others, only over yourself), but you should well note Sandi2's guidelines on WWs where she has, at several points, stated that she believes that if, upon discovery of an A, the LBS dropped a bomb of their own and drew a firm, bright line "I won't live in an open marriage" resulting in the WW coming face to face with the actual, real, and complete loss of her spouse and family, that the timeline for R, where possible, would be significantly shortened. But again, pay attention to the fact that this approach is still self-focused... What I will and will not stand for.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 09/27/19 04:27 PM

Yestyerday was the hardest thing I have faced in this situation. I had to watch my wife interact with her boss at my sons football game yesterday. They were together in the concession stand for about 5 minutes and I was about to go over and knock his teeth out.

First off she worked the gate or volunteered to do so and I don't know why. Her best friend worked the gate as well. The friend that had an affair, divorced, and is now unhappily remarried. She worked the gate knowing his wife would come to the game. Is this arrogance or what? How can she be so cruel to this mans wife. I know she is running her mouth about the affair but don't people have some humility when they commit atrocities such as this.

She has been sleeping in the other room and is now back communicating with the OM. I know this because she goes into the room and closes the door like she did before the exposure. She has been ugly in her conversation and very short with me when I have to ask her questions about our children or the bills.

Guys, I am not sure I can take this much more. I may ask her to move out and I also may take my proof and expose it to the Superintendent of schools. The only hesitation is I know that my wife would lose her job. It's slowly beginning to not bother me as the OM and her job are the most important things in her life right now. She hasn't been remorseful at all and she has been focused on the fear of losing her job.

Truth is my son is witness to this crap as he was bothered with her going to his office everyday at the end of the school year and spending 2 hours in his office with the door closed. It infuriates me to know this is going on in front of him. The Principal created a job for her and its the only job in the county. We have 2 other middle schools that do not have this position. The job was created to give her more time off during the day and require her to be there until 4:30 everyday instead of leaving at 3:30.

I really hate this for my son as some other kid will eventually say something to him.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 09/27/19 04:30 PM

By the way this is a serious ethical violation and if proven will cause both of them to lose their certification and never be able to teach again. Not sure I can sit by and allow this to be rubbed in my face any longer.

I guess I could always wait until the OM's spouse is done with her divorce.
Posted By: LH19

Re: My Story #2 - 09/27/19 06:25 PM

B,

I highly suggest that you donít contribute her losing her job. I will not change your situation and more then likely make matters worse.

Sheís rubbing it in your face because youíre allowing her to rub it in your face. I would 100 percent ask her to move out. I would pack all her $hit in the master bedroom and move it into the guest room or garage. Have you spoke to a lawyer?

She doesnít respect you so you need to take actions to command respect.
Posted By: neffer

Re: My Story #2 - 09/27/19 06:38 PM

Agee with LH. And hate is an unhealthy feeling. Use that energy to detach. Get into amoafwl. Be there for your kids.

Keep DBing man! Time and patience!

Respect!
Posted By: AnotherStander

Re: My Story #2 - 09/27/19 08:01 PM

I also agree with LH and Neffer. Let cooler heads prevail here! Scorched earth policy never does anything except offer some temporary gratification. It'll likely end up hurting you in the long run because you will be faced with divorcing a jobless wife that has no job prospects. With most states being "no fault" divorce these days, the court will make you responsible for her support.


Originally Posted by bballer1
I may ask her to move out


You can ask her but you can't force her to. If she doesn't move out, then what? Figure out your plan B, if it's pursuing S or D yourself then consult with a lawyer and start getting prepared.

Quote
and I also may take my proof and expose it to the Superintendent of schools. The only hesitation is I know that my wife would lose her job. It's slowly beginning to not bother me as the OM and her job are the most important things in her life right now. She hasn't been remorseful at all and she has been focused on the fear of losing her job.


OK so try and picture what will happen if you do expose her and she does lose her job. You will be the focus of 100% of her rage and anger. Everything great and small will be your fault. She might make it her mission to make you as miserable as possible. If you think things are terse now then just wait. Personally I think you should go out to the garage, find your heaviest hammer and smash your thumb with it. You'll get over that a lot faster.

Quote
I really hate this for my son as some other kid will eventually say something to him.


I'd say that's far more likely to happen if you expose them. THEN it will be the "big scandal" that everyone is talking about. It may seem obvious to you but it's probably not to anyone else right now.
Posted By: Tryhard

Re: My Story #2 - 09/27/19 08:55 PM

I have been in your situation, I cannot testify from the other side, but playing it cool and eating it up didnít cause any issues outside of myself at the tine . Be the person you want to be , be strong as a man and endure , it will pay dividends, but at the end of the day itís up to you . You can do this , show strength and compassion
Posted By: ovrrnbw

Re: My Story #2 - 09/27/19 10:10 PM

If I had nothing to lose I would have beat OM badly. But it wasn't worth it for me. It probably isn't for you either bballer. Time for you to detach further. Tell her to pack her stuff and leave. I wouldn't be afraid to out her either, but going to the school superintendent as a big deal. Maybe hold tight on that.

Gotta get that respect back my man!
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 09/28/19 03:41 AM

Carried my son and his middle school coach to a game tonight. We had a blast. The W didnít complain and it gave her time to chat with her adulterous lover.

Once I got home she was on her phone off course. She came into my room and I told her she needed to go to her room I told her I did not agree with her talking to the OM in my house. I also told her that if she was going to talk to him in our house then she needed to pack her bags and find somewhere else to live. I am tired of being disrespected in my own home.

Tomorrow I have a golf tournament and my son will spend the day with me. Donít really care what she does. Need to keep this mindset going forward but itís very hard to do.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 09/28/19 03:43 AM

By the way I didnít allow her to argue about the fact she was still talking to the other man. All she could do is say Ok and walk out. Proof in her actions but I know it in my heart. Too many lies up to this point.
Posted By: LH19

Re: My Story #2 - 09/28/19 07:04 AM

B,

Have you read up on boundaries? Do you know the difference between and ultimatum and a boundary? So you kind of gave her an ultimatum that really isnít enforceable that in turn makes you look weak. So letís assume when you go to the golf tournament tomorrow she texts OM from your house. Is she going move out?

I know this $hit is tough but you need really need to get a game plan together and take consistent actions. Right now youíre all over the place and flying by the seat of your pants. Have you spoke to a lawyer?
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: My Story #2 - 09/28/19 02:30 PM

B... IMO you should NOT contribute to your wife losing her job whether you want to R or not. You think your son is being impacted now? The fallout from all of that would impact him much, much more. Trust me. You do NOT want that for him and you do not want to make your situation any uglier than it already is. Take the focus off of her and what she is doing and put it fully back on yourself.

Yes it is a maddening situation. My XH secretly moved in with his coworker while we were still married. I am a therapist in the community who works very closely with the schools in our community including the school he teaches at. Only six months before all of that, we hosted his staff Christmas party. For sure other people knew about the affair before I did. The shame is his though, not mine. I hold my head up high and choose better not bitter. As time has gone on and my feelings have faded, I am beyond glad that I did not act on any of my angry feelings as it kept things amicable between me and my XH and, more importantly, my kids have adjusted as well as could be expected. They were able to do that because they saw that I was okay. Did it also make things easier on my XH who absolutely did not deserve to have it be easy? For sure it did... but I donít care about that... I care about my kids. And I believe in karma and my XH has boatloads coming his way.

I KNOW how painful this is. It is the WORST pain I have EVER gone through. I did not think I would ever get through it. It shook me to my core and I still have moments of disbelief and anger but they are just moments and, for the most part, I am happy to be living an authentic life surrounded by people who love and care for me. You will get through this B. And when you do and you look back on everything, you will be ever so glad you took the high road and were a good role model to your son. GAL and show him what AMOAFWL really looks like. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: joejoe1

Re: My Story #2 - 09/29/19 06:33 AM

BB,

When I read your post I notice one theme coming from you, well one mostly. And it's JUSTICE. You want your WW to feel the pain for the destruction she has caused.

You often use phrases like, "she gets away with".

But here's a piece of advice. Justice doesn't belong to you. You aren't to one to teach her a lesson. The more you try to
, "Show her", the more your hurt your healing and chances of her receiving JUSTICE. The more you intervene, the more you end up looking like the weak bad guy. Back away and allow her to fall on her own. Listen to the advice on here, she don't need you to help her to crash and burn, it will come in time, just not in the the time frame you want.

You want her to feel the pain from the destruction she caused and you want it too happen immediately, but it will come slow and in due time.

Your words are weak at the moment, but you want your actions to be strong. Instead on telling her you want her to leave, show her. Pack her things in boxes and place them in the garage. The next statement is, "l packed your items. I can't control who or when you talk to people, but I do have say so in this home, I demand respect, since you can't respect our home, I WANT you too leave". Will she leave, maybe not, but your actions and words now meet up.

When giving boundaries, they must be controllable by you.

Actions you can take: If she's talking to OM and you are paying the cell phone bills. You can say, I won't be paying your cell phone bill any longer. I won't be disrespected.

But if she's paying her own bill, it's no boundary to be set there.

Ultimatums are tricky, because, they are fueled by immediate choices, but they aren't leverage by immediate consequences, especially by LBS. Once you place and ultimatum out there you must be prepared to follow thru on whatever choice is choosen by the WS.

Boundaries are not ultimatums, they are protections for the LBS. Things you will not tolerate. Boundaries aren't choices to be placed at the WS feet but barriers to keep them out and at a distance from the LBS.

Read the boundary thread!!!

You got this BB
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 09/30/19 02:08 AM

I know I'm all over the place and need to read more of the book. I feel hopeless and powerless. I need to read the post on boundaries and come up with a game plan. You are heading into deep waters each and every day.

I confronted her about continuing to talk with him at night and told her she needed to move out if she was going to continue to do this in our house. She has agreed to move out and is now back claiming she needs space so she can make a decision as to what she wants for her future. She has no where to go and will continue staying in the other room.

I have met with a lawyer and he told me it would be best to do everything 50/50 which she has suggested she would agree with it. Since I have demanded more respect she has become very angry and hateful to me. This is not in her nature.

Tonight she fought with her dad about staying at his house so she took it out on me. She claims she wants divorce now and that she doesn't want to work on this marriage. She has gone to the other room and closed the door and turned the lights out so she can chat with the OM.
Posted By: LH19

Re: My Story #2 - 09/30/19 11:16 AM

B,

I would suggest right now you stop the confrontation about her talking with OM. You can't force her to move out and she is in the other room so that is good. Not surprising that she is angry because you are commanding respect. She expects you to cave in and give her what she wants. She will now try to manipulate you by throwing you little crumbs by saying "I need space to figure out what I want".

The truth of the matter is right now she is making decisions based on emotion (not logic and reason) and she is 100% sure she wants a divorce. There is nothing you can do to changes this and that is why you feel hopeless and powerless. Worst feeling in the world right? Unfortunately you can't change her feelings so the best thing for you to do is to keep your dignity and step aside at let this all play out.

Remember any relationship started and built on lies and deceit is sure to crumble at some point.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 09/30/19 05:21 PM

I've read the boundaries thread and yes I have been saying a lot of statements that come across as "Controlling". I can now see why she has pulled away and even called a lawyer this morning. It seems like every time the light bulb goes off it is too late.

I guess its not to late to set boundaries and at the same time demand respect without trying to make her respect me. My boundaries will be respected because they are for me. She may like it or not but it will not come from a place where it makes her feel like I am manipulating or controlling her.

I can see how this is also giving respect and will ultimately help yourself gain respect in the process. It comes from a place of true inner strength and resilience. Boundaries when applied correctly will also give you confidence because you do not allow someone to cross them and that builds strength.

I guess my next step is to create a game plan for the future. Set boundaries based on things that protect my feelings and my integrity. Continue to do 180's, detach, and GAL.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 09/30/19 05:24 PM

Light bulb quote, " Boundaries are about you and not her. They are about your feelings not her feelings." Comments, discussions, and actions that hurt your feelings. Express your desire to not discuss or participate in such actions or comments.
Posted By: LH19

Re: My Story #2 - 09/30/19 07:20 PM

Ok baller what kind of boundaries are you going to set and what are the consequences if crossed?
Posted By: AnotherStander

Re: My Story #2 - 09/30/19 08:19 PM

BB, I'd suggest you put the boundaries on hold. It seems like you are really overthinking things right now. A lot of us come here wanting desperately to gain some semblance of control back in our lives, the problem is we think "control" is "forcing my W to come back"but it's not. Getting control back means moving forward and organizing a life for yourself WITHOUT your wife. THAT is what you need to be focusing on right now. I just have a very strong suspicion that if you answer LH your boundaries are going to be all about W giving up OM and recommitting to the M, not talking to OM in the house, etc. etc. But the point we're trying to make here is THAT is you trying to control her, and you can't. She has to CHOOSE not to do those things. The more you try to force her, the more likely she'll become even more wayward.

So forget the boundaries and focus on YOU and the kids. Leave her be for now. Get your life back under control and find yourself again. When things have settled down a bit then you can revisit this and decide what you want to do.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 10/01/19 02:29 AM

I agree with AS, I need to get control of myself. I am 4 months into this and all I can think of is what I can do to save the marriage instead of saving myself. Iíve got to focus on myself and my son. I think relaxing and having no expectations from her would do me a lot of good. Itís just taking me a long time to get there.

Boundaries will eventually be about things she says to manipulate and control me. She has done a good job of that the past 4 months and it has my self-esteem extremely low. Blaming me or suggestions of not being like other fathers are examples of things I will not listen too.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 10/02/19 05:05 PM

I feel liberated actually not worrying about my situation. I have been busy with school and trying to get ready for my season. Been really nice to take my mind off of everything

She actually thanked me this morning for giving her space and she continues to text me asking If I am alright. I truly am alright. "AS" was right in saying I needed to work on myself first because it allows me to see things more clearly. I began back working out 2 days ago and that has helped.

I do miss the companionship at times but it has been easier.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 10/02/19 05:25 PM

When we speak at night she wants to talk about her job situation and the OM's wife etc... I have been just listening and validating her feelings about her job. Should I listen at all or tell her I do not want to hear about it? Two nights ago she started talking about it and then walked away mad because she got angry that I told the OM's wife. The OM's wife has been spreading rumors and making life a living hell for her.
Posted By: Vapo

Re: My Story #2 - 10/02/19 08:04 PM

Originally Posted by bballer1
When we speak at night she wants to talk about her job situation and the OM's wife etc... I have been just listening and validating her feelings about her job. Should I listen at all or tell her I do not want to hear about it? Two nights ago she started talking about it and then walked away mad because she got angry that I told the OM's wife. The OM's wife has been spreading rumors and making life a living hell for her.


What friggin rumors? It in not the truth? If she didn't fcuk OM, there would be no rumors to spread... Have some self respect dude. Walk away when she starts talking about it! Do not tell he you do not want to talk about it. Walk away! I would also give W the "Really W, really?!?" look.
Posted By: AnotherStander

Re: My Story #2 - 10/02/19 08:25 PM

Vapo beat me to it but I was going to ask what rumors could possibly be worse than the truth. Also agree with walking away whenever she brings up OM, OM's wife, OM's dog, OM's car, etc.

I'm a firm believe in tough love when dealing with a wayward, I don't know of a single case where someone was able to "nice" one back. You should be furious about her disrespectful behavior, I don't know how you can sit there and listen and validate when you know what she's been up to. It takes a unique kind of person to bang an affair partner in a school full of kids. The moment I found that out she would have come home to all her junk sitting out on the lawn, and I don't mean neatly boxed up either.
Posted By: ovrrnbw

Re: My Story #2 - 10/02/19 08:35 PM

She's being pretty disrespectful by getting mad at you over this. I'd look her in the eye and tell her it was her actions, not yours and walk the heck away.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 10/03/19 04:07 PM

I'm getting there guys but it's taking some time. Operating from a very low self-esteem. I am slowly coming to realize how her actions have been extremely disrespectful to me. I have been moving forward and losing that attachment I have to her.

Planning things to do with my son and spending time with my friends on the golf course. Exercising daily hasn't been a problem as I did this already before this crisis.

I know that I can not "nice" her back. That has been my problem from day 1. I've allowed her to control and manipulate my every move.

Thanks for the advice.
Posted By: ovrrnbw

Re: My Story #2 - 10/03/19 04:11 PM

It takes time for all us, you're doing just fine.

I want you to tell us about yourself, what you do, what you do well, what you like about yourself and what people like about you. This low self esteem thing has to be a joke because I read all your posts and I don't get the impression that you are subpar in any way.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 10/03/19 04:35 PM

Here it goes!

Been teaching and coaching for 17yrs.

My strengths are my work ethic and passion for the sports I coach. I am very good at coaching these sports due to my success and turning programs around to be successful.

What do I like about myself? Had to think hard on this one. Probably what I like most about myself is how I have influenced and changed the lives of several kids that I have been in contact with and continue to mentor. I also like the fact that I am in pretty good shape due to exercising most of my life.

I think that people like me due to being positive, listening to their conversation, and taking an interest in what they have to say.

There is a since of fulfillment when you have the opportunity to impact the lives of others. This should be my sole purpose outside of my family right now. I have that opportunity and there is no better since of worth than making another persons life better.
Posted By: hoosjim

Re: My Story #2 - 10/04/19 04:59 PM

Quote
When we speak at night she wants to talk about her job situation and the OM's wife etc... I have been just listening and validating her feelings about her job. Should I listen at all or tell her I do not want to hear about it? Two nights ago she started talking about it and then walked away mad because she got angry that I told the OM's wife. The OM's wife has been spreading rumors and making life a living hell for her.


Hey bb-- Two things I would suggest you work on:

1) Detachment-- several good threads here on that. With the WW, it is particularly important. You are not there to be her butler, plumber, mechanic, shoulder to cry on, etc etc etc. She honestly shouldn't even still be living in the marital household. But, if she refuses to leave, you are not in any way required to comfort her, keep her company, or in fact do anything for her. She's a big girl and got herself into this mess. SHE has decided to end the marriage. SHE effectively did so the moment she slept with OM. That she is now living in your house is an unfortunate happenstance. Does that mean you treat her angrily and vindictively? No... you are above that... and above her. On matters where you must communicate, like joint bills or the like (though you should quickly be doing everything you can to separate these affairs, with the advice of a lawyer where appropriate), keep it as quick and as simple as possible. And you definitely don't need to be discussing OM and her OM-related troubles with her... just give her that "REALLY, ww?" look and walk off. Lots of good threads on detachment and interacting with WW's on her, particularly Sandi2s stuff-- read it. If you've already read it, READ IT AGAIN.

2) Yourself. What are you, BB, doing to improve yourself? To make yourself into a man only a fool would leave (AMOAFWL)? Do you have any hobbies, interests? If so, take them up again, expand on them. If you don't, find some? In fact, find some new ones even if you already have some well developed ones. Grow yourself. Get better. Fitness and Faith (if you are so inclined) are two excellent ones with lots of fringe benefits in terms of mindset and inner-peace and self-confidence (yes, you heard me right... self-confidence from religious faith-- if God is with you who can stand against you?) Maybe volunteer! It sounds like you are very active in coaching, which is a great avocation-- is there any way you can expand on that?But whichever, get out there and GAL! GAL and 180s (for the aspects of your life that need it) are the bedrock principle of DB-ing, and will serve you well whether or not you eventually end up reconciling with your W.

Hang in there, man, we're all rooting for you!!
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 10/10/19 05:33 PM

Really tough this week trying to detach. The OM's wife sent her some text messages of their conversations and she read it out loud before I could remove myself. They were sexually explicit text and its been on my mind for the past couple of days.

Trying to keep myself busy so my mind doesn't think of those things. She continues to work and made the comment she would not be leaving before the end of the year.
Posted By: LH19

Re: My Story #2 - 10/10/19 05:59 PM

B,

I think you have to start asking yourself why youíre standing for someone who seems to continue to enjoy hurting you and has absolutely zero respect for you or your feelings.

Iím really sorry you have to deal with this bs.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 10/10/19 09:27 PM

I know but its because she is so selfish she blames me for telling the OM's wife about the messages. The OM's wife has shared them with people in the community and now its been the talk of the town.

She text me today that a student mentioned it to our son at school. She said our son just told the kid it was a rumor. My wife hasn't admitted it to our son and I haven't told him either, although he suspects it.

I just feel really bad for my son but my wife will blame me for this getting out.

I'm thinking fairly hard that one of my boundaries will be if she continues to be in contact with him everyday then I may have to file and try to move forward and heal.
Posted By: LH19

Re: My Story #2 - 10/11/19 01:51 AM

B,

Iím really sorry your son has to go through this it must be tough on him.

That sounds more like an ultimatum.

What if itís every other day she contacts him?
Posted By: joejoe1

Re: My Story #2 - 10/11/19 03:44 AM

BB,

How do you know they are in contact? If she's blatantly doing in your face, you will have to make a hard decision. If you are snooping stop. You don't need to snoop anymore for now. You have all the proof you need.

File when you are ready to file. You can't control her, and if you're filing to try and get through to her it will only backfire. But if you're filing to truly heal and gain some space from the destruction, I understand that as well.

Stop letting your WW blame you. Next time she blames you, strongly and directly say, "it was your choice to cheat".

If she says, "you told the OM wife, and if you wouldn't of, nobody would know. You say, "it was your choice to cheat". Don't get in a back and forth, or blame game with her.

If she says, the whole town knows because of you. You say, "It was your CHOICE to cheat". Stay it clear, concise, and with confidence. If she keeps trying to get you to take the blame walk off, if you are on the phone, say, "I'm hanging up now".

Those words and actions, SHOWS her that her blaming won't be tolerated.

I'm sorry your son has to go through this, but you have to be his shield and armor thru all of this.

Onward and upward

Joejoe
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 10/11/19 12:41 PM

I know she is in contact because they have meetings with their job at least 2 times a week. She is also a coordinator and he is the Principal. I've asked on several occasions if she spoke with him and she admits to speaking to him whether it is in a meeting or in passing down the halls.

She refuses to leave the job, ask for a transfer, and she admitted to still having feelings for him a couple of days ago.

Yes, if I file due to her working the job then that will be an ultimatum. However, it may be the only way I can fully heal and move forward. As I detach it drives her crazy and she becomes extremely jealous of me doing things alone or going out with friends.
Posted By: LH19

Re: My Story #2 - 10/11/19 01:25 PM

B,

Why are you asking her if she is speaking to him? You know they are in contact and you know the A is probably still going on so why bring it up?

You're still trying to control her and you can't and it's frustrating you.

You still don't understand the difference between ultimatums and boundaries so that shows me you are not doing your homework.

You really only have two choices right now. To completely detach, gal and live for you and your son only. Meaning when she's home your either out alone or out with your son. You discuss only your son and finances with her and the rest of the time you treat her like a boarder in your house. Who gives a fuch if she gets jealous when you're of out? That's how cheaters think that everyone lies and cheats like they do. Plus she's most likely upset that she may be losing her plan b.

Second choice is to decide that you love and respect yourself too much to live in an open marriage and put up with this lack of respect and BS.

I don't think you're ready for number 2 so I suggest you go full board with option 1. If you're not around that she can't tell you what's going on with her affair.

I know this isn't easy but if you keep doing what you have been doing you will keep getting what you have been getting and that is one big $hit sandwich served on a platter daily.

Time to step it up!
Posted By: AnotherStander

Re: My Story #2 - 10/11/19 02:24 PM

Originally Posted by joejoe1
Stop letting your WW blame you. Next time she blames you, strongly and directly say, "it was your choice to cheat".


Yes, I would also add "don't blame me for your horrible decisions" to that.

BB, your wife is one of the most disgusting waywards I've ever heard described here. A teacher having sex with a principal in a school full of children! That just absolutely turns my stomach. And she remains defiant in the face of getting caught, it just blows my mind. You can't treat this woman with kid gloves like you have been, that has got to stop. You are preventing her from hitting rock bottom and preventing yourself from detaching. Leave her be.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 10/11/19 03:01 PM

I agree with LH. Maybe the only way is to remove myself and not even look at her. Stay away from the house and try to include my son in everything I do.
Posted By: joejoe1

Re: My Story #2 - 10/11/19 03:37 PM

Originally Posted by bballer1
Maybe the only way is to remove myself and not even look at her. Stay away from the house and try to include my son in everything I do.


There is no maybe's about it!!!!!

Joejoe01
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 10/14/19 05:25 PM

Weekend went fairly well. She mentioned she may see a lawyer this week. I told her if that's what she wants to do then that would be her choice.

I am about to be super busy with coaching, as we start up our season. I will be wide open and not have much time for anything. Going to spend a lot of time at work and getting home late.
Posted By: LH19

Re: My Story #2 - 10/14/19 05:29 PM

Sounds great on GAL!

I suggest you consult a lawyer too.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 10/14/19 07:01 PM

I have consulted a lawyer and he gave me advice on what I should do. She has been really concerned about me moving on and possibly meeting someone else.

Can't understand why that would bother her. Its almost like a game with her and I am exhausted with playing the game.
Posted By: LH19

Re: My Story #2 - 10/14/19 08:08 PM

B,

Because youíre plan B if it doesnít work out with OM. She wants a safe place to fall if it all comes crashing down.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 10/16/19 04:39 PM

Struggling a good bit the past couple of days. Been trying to avoid her as much as possible and stay busy. She has sent me text messages instead and has mentioned a lot of truth in her messages.

She claims she has never felt this connected to anyone in her life. That we have never had this kind of connection. She admits to having strong feelings for him. I have asked her to move out and find another place but she hasn't budged at all.

I almost dread coming home everyday and seeing her. Should I leave and stay somewhere else for a few days or a couple of weeks? I do not think she will file or move forward because she has too much on her plate with her job. I truly think she wants me to do everything and she wants me to make the decision to leave her or file for divorce.
Posted By: LH19

Re: My Story #2 - 10/16/19 05:12 PM

Do not leave the house and definitely do not do it without speaking to a lawyer.

I canít believe the things she tells you. Blows my mind.
Posted By: neffer

Re: My Story #2 - 10/16/19 05:26 PM

Nothing new under the sun. I was there, I had those feelings. Affair fog is a strong drug.

Keep walking your road of respect and decency. Get into AMOAFWL.

Respect!
Posted By: ovrrnbw

Re: My Story #2 - 10/16/19 05:28 PM

I'd be just about ready to block her. Those texts are disturbing. If things were so good with OM why would she not be chomping at the bit to move out and start her dream life with him?

Don't believe a word out of her mouth.

Originally Posted by bballer1
She claims she has never felt this connected to anyone in her life. That we have never had this kind of connection.


You probably need to not have any kind of convo like this with her. It is not good at all IMO.

Originally Posted by bballer1
Should I leave and stay somewhere else for a few days or a couple of weeks? I do not think she will file or move forward because she has too much on her plate with her job. I truly think she wants me to do everything and she wants me to make the decision to leave her or file for divorce.

Y'all have kids, don't move out. That could be bad in the court's view!

As for her having "too much on her plate" with her job, that's not true. If she wanted to file she could. She is lazy, that's MO for a lot of wayward spouses. Don't do anything with regards to filing for divorce until you know for sure what you want to do.
Posted By: AnotherStander

Re: My Story #2 - 10/17/19 12:16 PM

I agree with Ovr and Neffer, don't move out as that will put you in a poor position for negotiating S and D terms, and especially visitation. I understand it's miserable being under the same roof, if you've really had enough then talk to a L and sort out where you need to go from here. If S or D requires selling the house then cross that bridge when you have to.

One other reason to not move out- there's a high likelihood your W will move OM in right behind you, or at least have him over for extended visits even with the kids there. It has happened here more than once.


Originally Posted by bballer1
She has sent me text messages instead and has mentioned a lot of truth in her messages.

She claims she has never felt this connected to anyone in her life. That we have never had this kind of connection. She admits to having strong feelings for him.


Why do you let her send you that garbage? I would tell her not to send any texts to you unless they are about the kids, and if she keeps sending you love letters about OM then you will block her. Don't put up with it!

Quote
I do not think she will file or move forward because she has too much on her plate with her job. I truly think she wants me to do everything and she wants me to make the decision to leave her or file for divorce.


You are probably right, unless OM ends up leaving his W, and then she'll probably want to leave and move in with him. Unfortunately that will likely have to happen before they come out of the "affair fog". Right now they're caught up in dreamy visions of a Romeo and Juliet forbidden romance, and neither of them have really had to deal with much fallout from what they've done. Until they hit rock bottom things are unlikely to change.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 10/17/19 01:18 PM

I agree she will probably end up moving in with him. She is looking for another job but I doubt she will follow through with it. She is only looking for another job to get out of her current situation and this would allow her to be with him. All of this takes time so it is important for me to detach and not speculate.

Iíve realized there is no figuring her out. The only thing that is certain is that she doesnít want to be with me. I guess we will know for sure once his divorce is final but that could take months to happen.

I truly think my only chance of reconciling and healing is to let her go. Divorce is hard but it may be the best option for me to heal and grow.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 10/22/19 04:45 PM

Well the weekend went well. I spent time with my son and we went out to eat and watched a football game. I have set some boundaries the past couple days.

Boundaries:
Will not discuss AP and work related items.
Will not allow her to blame me for her unhappiness and feeling neglected for years. Re-writing of our history. I have decided to walk away when this is brought up during dinner etc...
I've asked her to stop using my bathroom. This triggers times that she would go into the bathroom and stay for 30mins while she was messaging the AP.
I've asked her not to hang out in my bed or bedroom while being on her phone and then leaving at 9:00 to go into the other room. In the past she would do this and while in the room she would message him from 9:00 - 10:00.
I will continue to set boundaries to protect my feelings and not allow her behavior to trigger or hurt me. It's been a slow process but she has no clue what she wants or what she is doing. The AP will soon be divorced within the next couple of weeks and I'm sure they will begin to be physical again at some point.

AS long as I set boundaries going forward then I can help protect m y sanity while living in the same house with her.

Sunday just before my son and I were going to go to church she would not let him leave with me. She then took my car keys and would not let me leave either. She claims us attending church in our small town only helps further people talking about what has happened and it makes her look bad. She wants the chatter to calm down and go away so she can get back to scheming and slipping around with him. Eventually I've got to issue an ultimatum as I can't continue to live like this.
Posted By: ovrrnbw

Re: My Story #2 - 10/22/19 05:39 PM

Quote
I've asked her to stop using my bathroom. This triggers times that she would go into the bathroom and stay for 30mins while she was messaging the AP.
I've asked her not to hang out in my bed or bedroom while being on her phone and then leaving at 9:00 to go into the other room. In the past she would do this and while in the room she would message him from 9:00 - 10:00.

Just remember to have a plan in case she decides to take a crap on you and not give you this space, because ultimately it's her house too and you can't lock her out.

Quote
Sunday just before my son and I were going to go to church she would not let him leave with me. She then took my car keys and would not let me leave either. She claims us attending church in our small town only helps further people talking about what has happened and it makes her look bad.

I hope you took your son and left. This is unacceptable to allow her to control you. Her looking bad is on her, you do what you want to do.

Issuing the ultimatum won't be as important as showing her something new.
Posted By: neffer

Re: My Story #2 - 10/22/19 05:57 PM

Yes, what Ovr says: action instead of words.
Posted By: phnix

Re: My Story #2 - 10/22/19 06:42 PM

I did not leave. She eventually begged for forgiveness and felt bad for how she behaved. Tried to make it up to my son by being very loving and affectionate with him.

As far as having a plan, I have already had to walk out of my own bedroom because she wouldn't leave. She claims it is her bedroom too but she eventually leaves and goes to the other room.

I really want to go no contact and communicate only the needs of our children but this drives her crazy.
Posted By: LH19

Re: My Story #2 - 10/22/19 06:51 PM

So why do you care what she thinks if it helps you detach?
Posted By: joejoe1

Re: My Story #2 - 10/22/19 07:03 PM

BB,

You will have to start a new thread.

I think it's very important to get your son out of those moments, when your WW is acting like she did on Sunday. You should relocate your keys in a spot she can't find. You son should not be subjected to her antics. And if she made declarations in front of your son, about you and him not going to church to benefit her standing in the community, think about what type of message has been communicated to him about church and his parents.

She is way out of control. Stop communicating with her, if she's in the room and won't leave, shrug your shoulders and go your way. (Don't literally shrug your shoulders), but don't give her the benefit of getting a reaction out of you. Stop reacting to her pettiness and childlessness.

Keep up the hard work.

Joejoe
Posted By: job

Re: My Story #2 - 10/22/19 08:41 PM

New Thread:

My Story 3
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