Previous Thread:
You guys aren't going to believe this 5Hi Everyone,
I'm back. For those of you who don't remember me, I was able to reconcile with my W two times using DB principles.
Unfortunately, I'm recognizing alot of the same signs that W is ready to leave again. Honestly, part of me is embarrassed that I'm back here as I have been to h@ll and back with my W.
W and I have been reconciled for about 2 years now, living together for the past year, raising her D12 (who I view as my own since she was 3 years old).
Things were going very well when W moved back from another state after she left me. She claimed she had completed therapy and was able to figure out why she tends to run when things get tough. She promised me she was here to stay and promised her D12 that there would be no more breakups.
Fast forward to a few months ago. W is stressed at work, sometimes to the point of tears, I'm depressed working a job that I hate, and we are drinking alot of alcohol. We seem to have distanced from each other, sex became non-existent and we were saving money to buy a home.
Two weeks ago, she comes home and seems down. I ask her what is wrong and she tells me she has given up on us getting married and buying a house (We are common law married but she wants to actually get married). I tell her we've only been back together for a year and that we should be working on cementing our relationship after our last breakup. She tells me we've been together for 8 years and I should be over that stuff by now. A fight ensues and we eventually work things out.
Last night she came home and had the same sad look. I asked her what's wrong and she said her dad might have some sort of cancer on his tonsils, and that her sister was diagnosed with MS. On top of that, her D12 is depressed and exhibiting signs of cutting herself. She then says things with me are different and she doesnt know if she wants to continue our relationship.
***Side Note - W went off her anti-depressents abruptly about a month and half ago as she hated paying for them. She is also extremely worried about her dad, sister, and daughter.***
I've already implemented the LRT as there is no sense talking to her when she is like this. SHe will literally assign the blame for everything on me and tell me all the things I do wrong. But she will not own or admit anything that she has done.
Considering that we have had several breaks, most everyone is telling me to let her go. But I still love this woman regardless. We have so much history and many good times shared.
In any case, I'm hurting like crazy. Thanks for reading.
Thorn
Of course I remember you Thorn! Sorry you are here again. Another cycle...right? It seems you all fall down to a recurrent cycling inertia.
Remember this: once a Dber always a DBer. What things are you doing to improve your MR? You need a 180. You both come back to comfort zones. You need to see further than that. You need to have projects, you need to GAL. Depression kicks in if you only manage to stay afloat. You need to swim man.
How´s GAL going? How´s Ws GAL going?
Sorry you are here man. Glad you are here.
Start walking again.
Good to see you again, Neffer.
Yes the cycle repeats. Regarding GAL, I plan on getting out with friends after work tomorrow. I’m not sure about W, she isn’t talking to me at the moment.
I’m at a loss because W wants to leave again and has once again made me out to be some sort of demon. Listening to her talk about me, you would think I’m some sort of monster. I’m far from perfect, but I don’t understand W’s thinking at all. This is exactly what she did the last time she left me.
Everyone who knows us is shocked (again). W once again told my mom she’s done tonight. I’ve told my mom to stop inquiring with W to get her thoughts on things.
I cannot believe I find myself in this situation again, it’s just so painful. Part of me feel ashamed that I’m here again. I feel spineless as a result.
W is still living with me but plans on leaving, she has no timetable so I’m not sure what to really do at this point.
T,
I went back at looked at your last post from 2017. Why did you leave the board while piecing? Did you go to MC? My guess is when she moved away it wasn’t what she expected so she returned to her safety net. You guys never addressed your main issues and now are back to your equilibrium.
I am also guessing that you didn’t work on yourself and learn your value as in individual. Your only response to her telling you she’s leaving should be “ do you need help packing your bags”?
If during piecing the other person is willing to do whatever it takes to make it work it usually doesn’t last and it’s easier to just start another relationship.
I know that’s not what you want to hear but that is the reality. You can ignore reality but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.
Sorry to see you back.
Hi LH,
W and I were separated for over a year living in different states. We both attended IC counseling during that time. Eventually she reached out and we began a friendship which culminated in her eventually moving back to my state.
W was willing to do whatever it took to reconnect. She really invested in counseling, books, seminars etc and worked on her issues that in her words "cause her to run" when times get difficult. Alas, here we are again.
This time around is very similar to the previous times she had decided to leave. She drops the bomb on me, then appears relieved, then avoids every room I'm in and then starts going out with her sister and friends. In fact, she is going to spend the night at her sisters house this weekend and they are going to some evening ball. I saw her suitcase packed with her evening gown and heels this morning and that created some anxiety for me. Her D12 will be going along with her.
It's only been a few days since BD so everything is still fresh for me. I really need to catch up on some sleep this weekend as I haven't slept at all lately. I'm so exhausted.
Thanks for checking in LH.
Thorn
Hi Thornton,
sorry you're here (again).
If you're W has not changed for good, not grown past those things that got you here last time, then of course that's why you're back in this spot. If she doesn't hurt enough to grown and change, then you won't ever make a lasting relationship.
All of that is out of your hands...wooooooossaaa. Breathe. Change your focus, control your life and happiness.
You got this.
Hi Ovrrnbw,
Thanks for posting on my sitch. I'm curious what you mean by my W experiencing enough hurt to grow and change, can you clarify?
THorn
I think Job said it in the MLC forum, hopefully I'm not misquoting.
People only change when the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying the same
While this isn't 100% true it's probably 95% true. Has she had enough of the old ways to make a lasting change that will affect your R in a meaningful way?
OK, thanks for clarifying. I don't know if she has had enough of her old ways, she blames me for everything. Literally, everything.
Hey T, the thing that really jumped out at me was your comment that she quit A/D's cold turkey. Man was that ever a HUGE mistake. I have a coworker that did the same thing, in his case he was having trouble with his weight and he became convinced it was due to the A/D's. So he just quit taking them. Within a week he was in a bad place so he started taking them again. The problem is A/D's affect your body chemistry slowly over time, it's not like aspirin where you just take a couple and get immediate relief. He ended up in a mental hospital for 6 months, he was in very, very bad shape. The old A/D's never did work on him like before, they had to try different combinations and it took over a year to get him back to (relatively) normal.
No one should ever quit A/D's cold turkey, if you're going to stop you have to wean off very slowly. A 10% reduction each month is what I did with the help of my doctor. Unfortunately if she is already in a bad place she may be blaming you, so anything you suggest might just make her angry. Still, you might mention to her that she should talk to her doctor about the fact that she quit A/D's. She could get much worse.
Thanks for chiming in AnotherStander.
W was on a low does of Prozac 20mg, so nothing really heavy. But I do agree, you cannot go off of anti-d meds cold turkey.
I'm curious how much of her recent behavior can be attributed to going off her meds.
It's really odd because all week she was texting me funny pics, checking on me at work etc, then she learned about her sister possibly having MS and she went off the rails and decided to bomb drop me. She was literally texting me funny things the same day she bomb dropped me. I'm so incredibly confused and hurt by how this played out.
Thorn
Rough day today. W has spent the night at her sisters the past few nights and came home this morning. Maybe I was hoping the time apart would have softened her a little bit. But she once again brought to my mom that she’s still leaving. I don’t even know what I did that was so horrible for her to leave me. There was no big fight.
She expressed she was tired of waiting for me to buy our house. We’ve only been back together for a year so I was making sure we were on solid footing. Apparently she disagrees with that. Fact of the matter, recently started a new job and told her we could start looking for a home after 3 months just to make sure the job was a fit. I’ve been at the new job for 2 months.
I wish I could turn my feelings off for her. This hurt so bad.
Thornton, sorry to see you back.
I don't have much to add to what's been brought up already. You already know we're all here for you. You've already received some good advice, and I'll second AS's comment about going cold turkey off the meds. Major red flag.
And just to be sure, you know the whole "upset because you aren't buying a house" thing is bull$hit, right?
Part of me feel ashamed that I’m here again. I feel spineless as a result.
BTW you've done nothing more shameful than try to make your marriage work out. There is nothing shameful in that.
And if you feel spineless, grow a spine. Like LH said, "here, let me help you pack."
Thanks, Jim.
This will be the 4th time she’s left me. As much as it pains me, I have to look towards a future without her. The pattern is clearly there and is pretty consistent.
Remember, people who are sure of what they are doing don't need to repeat it like your W is doing, but rather they take action. Your W is hurting, and I don't know that I can explain exactly why, but she is hurting.
Now back to you and how you are going to grow into the person you want to be...
Rough day today. W has spent the night at her sisters the past few nights and came home this morning. Maybe I was hoping the time apart would have softened her a little bit. But she once again brought to my mom that she’s still leaving.
Those expectations are a beotch aren't they? Drop them! She may very well turn around (after all, it's happened before) but it's not going to be on a particular timeline and probably not as fast as you want.
I don’t even know what I did that was so horrible for her to leave me. There was no big fight.
Well like we've been saying this could very well be a medical issue. All you can do is roll with it and get back to DB'ing until she figures things out.
She expressed she was tired of waiting for me to buy our house. We’ve only been back together for a year so I was making sure we were on solid footing. Apparently she disagrees with that. Fact of the matter, recently started a new job and told her we could start looking for a home after 3 months just to make sure the job was a fit. I’ve been at the new job for 2 months.
She's just rewriting history to suit her actions. You didn't put the toilet seat down once, you burped and didn't say "excuse me", you drove past her and didn't wave. She's crafting a thousand reasons to hate you right now.
Thanks for the posts ovrrnbw and AnotherStander.
I'm just so worn down by all of this. I'm so confused because of course everyone is telling me to let her go this time considering she's done this 3 times previously and asking if I want to live this way the rest of my life. It's not that easy though for me.
What's so weird, is that this always happens when I think things are going well. We've been really involved with the our church. I baptized her a month and a half ago in front of 700 people. And then she found out her dad might have cancer, and her sister might have MS, and she changed her tune.
Just like before, I'm wracking my brain trying to find out what's so wrong with me that makes W think her life will be better without me in it. Of course I'm not perfect, I'm not a romantic guy, but I'm a great provider, I am always there to lean on, I'm a parent to wife's D12 and there for her.
I just don't know what's so wrong with me that makes her think uprooting her D12 again is better for them.
And then she found out her dad might have cancer, and her sister might have MS, and she changed her tune.
Those are some pretty major life-changers there. As difficult as this is, try to remember she's going through a lot right now and have some sympathy for her. If you're hyper-focused on your pain then that will appear to her as selfishness. I'm not saying you are being selfish, we're talking about her PERCEPTIONS which to her, are her realities.
Just like before, I'm wracking my brain trying to find out what's so wrong with me that makes W think her life will be better without me in it.
Just try to stop for a second and quit assuming this is all about you. You've listed a lot of heavy, heavy stuff going on with her. She quit taking A/D's cold turkey. Dad may have cancer. Sister may have MS. She is scared, confused and angry right now. She needs something/ someone to blame and unfortunately that's you. You have to detach until she sorts things out.
Of course I'm not perfect, I'm not a romantic guy, but I'm a great provider, I am always there to lean on, I'm a parent to wife's D12 and there for her.
Don't take this the wrong way, but that's boring stuff right there. BORING. If and when you do start reconciling with her, be the romantic guy. She needs someone to be sexy and flirty and saucy and a little bit of a bad boy with her. Especially when everything else is going poorly. She needs you to be her escape from the mundane.
Thanks AnotherStander.
Regarding W being stressed about her father and sister and needing someone to blame, I don't understand that. If I was in her position, I would lean on my partner to be there for me, not break up with them.
I'm so confused by all of this.
I don't understand that. If I was in her position, I would lean on my partner to be there for me, not break up with them.
YOU would. But she's not you.
Thanks, Jim.
I'm still reeling from the bomb drop so not thinking very clearly or rationally.
That´s why detaching is a must Thorn. Stay away from her. Get out and so some GAL. Ease your mind. You know how to do it.
Time and patience.
That's the plan, Neffer. I'm not following her around the house, initiating convos, or texting her and have kept busy with projects. I'm also still going to the gym 4x a week and mountain biking on the weekends.
It's probably time to explore some other potential hobbies as well. I just wish I could be doing them with W as we have so much fun doing things together.
Regarding W being stressed about her father and sister and needing someone to blame, I don't understand that. If I was in her position, I would lean on my partner to be there for me, not break up with them.
I'm so confused by all of this.
I think this may help, here are some pertinent quotes from the book titled "Everything We Know About WAS Behavior- The Hows, Whys and Whens". In fact no, not quotes, but the entire book. I am going to copy-paste the whole thing below. Here we go:
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
There ya go. Their actions make no sense. You can sit there thinking about "why" all day long. Fill one hand with the reasons why and the other with dog poop and see which fills up faster
You simply cannot apply YOUR thoughts and feelings and responses and desires to HER actions. HER actions are illogical. She is acting from a place of emotions that she does not understand. This is all about what SHE is going through. It's not because of you. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it.
A lot of people here have issues they should 180 but honestly I would say that if most people here are at a 5 or 6 or 7 on the "blame scale" you're at a 1 based on what you're describing. This is pretty much all your W. I'm not trying to let you off the hook, I really think in your case there is no hook. The sooner you realize that then the sooner you can grasp the dynamics here and truly detach.
Thanks for the humor, AS. That made me chuckle. And thank you for pointing out that maybe I’m not as bad a person as I’m feeling after being hit with another bomb.
I hope everyone is hanging in there.
There's nothing really new to report on the WAW front. She comes home and doesn't really pay attention or look at me. It seems she also she's been snippy with with D12. Maybe since I'm not pursuing her, she's projecting her anger onto D12. W has also been sleeping on the couch.
I have been trying to act as normal as possible. I'm still going to the gym and coming home and "acting as if" everything is status quo. I've made some very minor small talk with W but nothing about our R or what's currently going on. She typically will respond with one or two work answers and then goes back to ignoring me.
I cannot for the life of me understand how or why she is doing this. I know I will probably never know but it's hard not to wonder.
Good grief... W has been abducted by aliens. It’s like she literally hates my guts and I don’t know why. She won’t even lift her head to look at me walk through the front door.
I know I need to stay in my own sandbox but it’s so hard not to take notice.
I don't have much experience in your situation, but it sounds like she's trying to take out her frustrations on you. It sounds like she expects you to actually go after her and do anything to get her back. She's hoping that by making you feel guilty for the house and the marriage you will accept and just do whatever she says, but that's not at all how it should work. Try to detach a little but if she brings up her other problems up again you could tell her you are there for her and if she ever needs someone to talk to you will listen, but nothing more than that. Don't put your life on hold while she expects you to suddenly make her happy, everyone is responsible for their own happiness.
Good luck!
Good grief... W has been abducted by aliens.
Welcome to the club! Sometimes they go back to normal and sometimes they don't. My XW very slowly returned to about halfway back to normal. I don't think she'll ever be her old self again.
It’s like she literally hates my guts and I don’t know why. She won’t even lift her head to look at me walk through the front door.
She's projecting a lot of her issues onto you right now. It's all your fault. So she probably doesn't want to look at you because you remind her of all the junk she wants to forget. Is that fair to you? No of course not. But that's her mindset right now. So all you can do is keep doing your own thing and leave her alone to sort out her mess.
I know I need to stay in my own sandbox but it’s so hard not to take notice.
Of course you'll notice, but the key is to remain detached. Notice but don't react.
As always, I appreciate the post, AS.
I woke up feeling a little stronger today. I’m slowly starting to realize that this isn’t all my fault. I don’t know why I struggle with taking all the blame when it comes to this stuff. W is just as responsible as I am but she’s a master of making me think this is all my fault which really get me spinning.
Something occurred to me that I figured I would bring up.
My W is 43 and experiencing pre-menopause. She has been taking hormones and an anti-depressant for the last 4-5 months. About a month ago, she quit her anti-depressants.
My question is, is it possible this is a hormonal issue? I did a Google search and noticed lots of articles about divorce as a result of menopause.
Thoughts?
Could be but who knows? We, because I'm similar in you trying to find answers, can't solve this for them. It could be anything and you'll drive yourself crazy trying to rationalize it.
After my W BD'd me I remember talking to her about her hormones, depression, postpartum, grief (her dad died after battling cancer in March). She agreed that all of this was likely affecting her and even ordered a hormone test on her own about 6 months before BD but never took it. She's not willing to do the work and I can't force her.
Everyone around my W can see that she isn't acting herself but she doesn't want to listen to anybody right now. So we move on and make sure we are living our best life.
My question is, is it possible this is a hormonal issue? I did a Google search and noticed lots of articles about divorce as a result of menopause.Thoughts?
Wolf just posted the exact same question. The answer is the same as I gave him- yes, it could be. But does it affect your DB'ing? No. You will never know why she did this, she probably doesn't even know. All you can do is work on you and give her time and space to sort out whatever she is going through.
Something occurred to me that I figured I would bring up.
My W is 43 and experiencing pre-menopause. She has been taking hormones and an anti-depressant for the last 4-5 months. About a month ago, she quit her anti-depressants.
My question is, is it possible this is a hormonal issue? I did a Google search and noticed lots of articles about divorce as a result of menopause.
Thoughts?
Do you think it was hormonal the last 3 times she left you? Probably not. I think you're just trying to find a reason to justify what she is doing. We all want that answer, but most of us never get it. Why she is doing it is not as important as how you react to it. Focus on you and let her do her thing...
[/quote]
Do you think it was hormonal the last 3 times she left you? Probably not. I think you're just trying to find a reason to justify what she is doing. We all want that answer, but most of us never get it. Why she is doing it is not as important as how you react to it. Focus on you and let her do her thing...
[/quote]
You're right, Mtb. That's exactly what I'm doing. Thanks for the response.
I've gone through most of my old posts and it's crazy how similar the patterns are for each BD. Almost identical how they play out.
I want off the crazy train. I go back and forth between reliving all our great times spent together and missing my W, to anger and sadness that she has once again pulled the plug when things seemed to be on the right track.
I'm not blameless in all of this, but I just don't see anything that I've done that would be considered a deal breaker for her to leave the relationship and uproot D12 again.
Wondering about all of this stuff has gotten me no where and I understand that's why I must detach from it all.
I have all the same thoughts...how could I have been better, analyzing everything until I feel like a pile of crap about myself and am convinced it's all my fault. But I think as long as we have not abused our wives, no matter how moody we've gotten or critical or *fill in the blank*, it's not a justification to pull the plug. It isn't our fault. We may never fully understand the crazy train, why we have this toxic pattern in our life. But I do worry knowing a MR is 50/50 and even in divorce you still keep your half. If I am contributing somehow to the pattern then I want to know and understand that. Hopefully IC will help me with that.
The deja vu is surreal. Stuck in the same loop. But if it's true that this is all history rewritten, what comes next? Some form of reconciliation, right? I have the same mixed feelings as you. I would do anything to save my MR but if it's the same merry go round for the rest of eternity, at some point how do I not look at myself and ask why the $@#* I'm not getting off?
W finally decided to speak with me to tell me she got her own place yesterday. She said things aren’t working between us and that it’s time to go our separate ways. I didn’t react and just said ok.
She will be staying in town and my mom will still be picking her D12 up from school everyday. W said I could stay in D12’s life if I wanted to.
Then she asked me if I could give her $2900 to repay her for all the groceries and rent she’s paid for during her time here so she could buy D12 a bed. I have no problem helping make sure D12 has a bed. But pay her back for groceries and the minimal amount of rent she’s paid is insulting to me. I pay for 90% of our expenses. I just said I needed to think about it.
Can’t believe this is my life again.
You seem to care about D12. In this crazy state, she doesn’t seem to realize how precious a good step-parent relationship is. You do seem stronger in your responses than most during their first BD, and you have some understanding of the cycles, so perhaps this won’t be quite the same life again.
Thanks, Cw.
This is bomb #4. I’m done. The pain is unreal but I have no choice but to move on.
Hang in there, T. We got this.
Thanks, 44.
Just made it back from the gym and absolutely killed it. My anger is rearing it’s head. I’m trying not to be a victim here but I feel so duped by W. When she came back the last time, she assured me she had worked on her issues with a therapist to find out why she runs. She promised me and D12 she was here to stay and even if things got tough, she was willing and determined to work through those things with me. One year later, and she’s gone again. I’m an idiot. Everyone warned me this would happen. But I let my love for W cloud my better judgement.
My goal is to process my pain, dive head first into my issues and why I’ve continually gotten back together with W, and completely drop the rope.
Thornton, opening your heart to another despite challenges and their/your imperfections may be stupid, but it’s also inherently courageous. Moving on after 3-4x does sound wise. I hope you find someone equally courageous.
Good point, CW.
Here comes the hard part for me, GAL.
Because W is going to stay in town, I’m afraid of running into her while I’m out. I’d much prefer to never have to see her again as that’s the best way for me to detach from her.
My whole life will change on October 1, that’s move out day for W and D12. I’d be lying if I said I don’t have any anxiety about all of this.
Rough day today.
I woke up and W was acting happy go lucky. She seems so excited to be getting her new place. It’s just another gut punch for me. How can she just up and dump me again and act excited around me? I haven’t acted down or depressed around her so “acting as if” is going well.
Took my mom to church which was nice. The message was good and applied to my current situation. There were a few times I teared up because W and I attended services consistently, to not have her there anymore (she hasn’t gone in 3 weeks), really hurt.
After church I was talking with my mom, and she said I hope you are strong enough to resist W when she comes back, because she will come knocking, that’s her pattern. I have to make moving on my goal, truly letting her go.
Does your W have affairs during BDs? I haven't seen you mention one but making sure I didn't miss it.
I wonder the same thing..."how can she just...??". When I finally told my W the news about my grandfather yesterday, she said "God I feel so bad I'm not there for you". As if her being home right now would make me feel better. As if she didn't just make this 100x worse to deal with.
Glad you got to church. Your mom is right about the pattern. That's the crazy thing; it's like a double whammy. Right now it's the searing pain of losing her and our lives together, wanting nothing more than for her to change her mind. But, we know how this ends...get what you wish for and the cycle resets. No way to win. Why is it so hard to admit that the only sane choice is to get off the merry go round?? Wish I knew.
Yeah it’s crazy making, 44.
No affairs for W, thus far. Still, I have to get off this roller coaster. W is acting happy go lucky today and it’s gotten me spinning. Im just angry at myself for allowing this to happen again. My concern now is swinging too far the other way on the pendulum and never letting anyone person get close to me again. I feel so damaged by all of this that I can’t imagine being a good partner to anyone.
How silly is it that I feel caught off guard by wife’s actions? The fact I actually chose to beleive in her again is disturbing to me. I allowed this to happen again. And now I’m paying the piper.
The best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior.
I've been struggling the past few days trying to find acceptance in my situation.
W has recently started warming back up to me, nothing significant but she's starting to act like a respectable human being again and acknowledging my existence. I guess it doesn't even matter, I've been through this with her 4x times now and it always plays out the same way.
I think the reason I'm struggling this time is because I know I need to let her go. In the past, I would pin my hopes on recon and distract myself with DBing 24x7.
Something else that bugs me is that W has a big support network of friends. She's much more extroverted than I am so it feels like she has this big team of cheerleaders and I have a few close friends to lean on.
I've been struggling the past few days trying to find acceptance in my situation.
Don't be too hard on yourself. This is a tough situation and finding acceptance is not easy. The mistake I feel you are making is focusing on acceptance in the first place. You should be focusing on taking care of yourself, GAL and detachment. If you focus on acceptance, it will only make it harder
W has recently started warming back up to me, nothing significant but she's starting to act like a respectable human being again and acknowledging my existence. I guess it doesn't even matter, I've been through this with her 4x times now and it always plays out the same way.
Her actions should impact you like water off a duck's back. You are trying too hard and misinterpreting her 'touch n go' actions. You are correct in saying "I guess it doesn't even matter" but not because you have been through this with her 4x times but because it should not matter if you want to DB right.
Note that you should be DB for your sake and not for the sake of winning her back. DB is as much about your healing as R. In fact, I would say DB is about your healing and if R happens, it is a bonus.
In the past, I would pin my hopes on recon and distract myself with DBing 24x7.
If you were 'pinning your hopes on recon', then you were not DBing correctly. You DB for your own sake not R.
Something else that bugs me is that W has a big support network of friends. She's much more extroverted than I am so it feels like she has this big team of cheerleaders and I have a few close friends to lean on.
Why are you comparing your situation to hers? How does it matter if she has a larger network of friends, if she is happy or if she is miserable? You need to focus on yourself and only yourself. Start GAL and learn not be co-dependent. This is part of the growth you need to get through DB. If not, even if you recon I won't be surprised if you are back after BD #5.
Sorry for the 2x4s
Keep walking your road T. Time to say thank you W (again), see you around.
You need to live your life man. Be there for D12 but keep your walk going.
Be strong there T. You deserve better. No fear.
(((hugs)))
Thanks for the advice, MLC and neffer. 2x4's are always appreciated.
W just came home looking pissed odd.
She texted me from another room and asked if I was going to give her $2,900 to “repay her for groceries” and the $200 a month she gave me for rent and also a bed for D12.
I said I would be happy to buy D12 a new bed but I was not going to re-pay her for buying groceries the last year. She then said to me “this just solidifies who you are”. I said sorry you feel that way and walked out of the room.
Now she’s stomping around the house like a crazy woman.
Wtf happened to my W? She thinks I should pay her for moving back here when we reconciled? Huh????
Oh and she blamed me that has no furniture because she sold it all when she moved back to be with me. So now she has no money, no bed, she cashed out her 401k to get her new place and it’s all my fault.
That is rough man. You are doing the right thing, though. Just letting it roll off. Does she have entitled/manipulative tendencies?
Ya know, honestly I would have to say she is manipulative.
When I told her I wasn’t going to give her $2,900 and pay her back for living expenses (which is absurd!), she immediately said “see? This proves who you are”. It felt like she was insinuating that perhaps if I gave her the money, that might leave a door open down the road for reconciliation.
When she first asked me for the money and i said I needed to think about it, she was happy as a clam.
So yeah, she’s manipulative.
Keep walking the high road Thornton. Isn't it shameful and embarrassing how they do this type of absurd thing.
My XW tried it all with me too. She even tried to say the annual losses we incurred with our investment property should be added back and treated as an advance and therefore a deduction to me in the money I got from our property settlement.
I refused to lower myself to nickel and diming her though. I let it all wash and acted as if it was nothing, as I'll earn it all back, and when I'm on my death bed, I'll be proud of how I conducted myself with the mother of my son and step kids. Hugely contrary to DB principles, though I've tapered it off to a trickle now, but that's the way I am.
The 'solidifies...' comment she made is typical in its style, and I remember reading here in one of the stickies some good responses to that type of comment, just cant remember where exactly sorry.
Thanks, DS.
It's crazy how entitled W has become. The revisionist history is absolutely absurd and so over the top. It's clear that she is trying to bait me into a fight but I will not react.
W is moving out Sunday so I guess I won't have to deal with her much anymore. It's bittersweet because I miss my old W and how caring and fun she could be, but who she has become is not someone I would like to be with.
And I'm amazed at how quickly this has all happened.
You are showing so much strength. Just keep going. She WILL wake up one day and feel loss. But like you said it might be too little, too late from your standpoint. That is why you are doing all this work to be prepared for when that day comes.
Thanks for the encouragement, 44.
Yes, it’s shocking to see how her attitude has changed. It’s heartbreaking actually. But I have zero control over it so I do my best to let it go (which I’m not very good at).
I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Hey Everyone,
I had a close friend send the following article that I think sums up a lot of our sitches with depressed spouses. For me, this was helpful to read because it describes my W to a T. Sometimes we just don't have any control of these things, all the more reason to detach. We can't fix them.
Depression can have a devastating effect on close relationships. Sometimes depressed people blame themselves for their pain, sometimes they blame their partners.
It’s baffling and shocking to see them turn into cold and blaming strangers. After years of affection and intimacy, how can they suddenly declare that they don’t feel love, even worse, that they have never loved their partners at all?
Depressed partners may refuse to face the inner pain that’s wrecking their lives. Rather than seek treatment, they come to believe that it’s the existing relationship that is ruining them. Their answer is often to leave and find happiness elsewhere.
The specific effects of depression will differ in every relationship, but this is the problem I hear about most often and the one I lived with.
What exactly is the inner pain that can’t be faced and dealt with? Reciting the usual list of depression symptoms and the effects they can have on everyday life only gets you so far. General lists don’t capture the experience.
Talking about “inner pain” suggests despair or other unbearable hurt that demands an explanation and must be escaped as quickly as possible. Since depression is a condition that can vary from day to day, that active side of pain can be the driving motive.
But there is another dimension of depression that can lead to the idea of escape as the answer.
It’s the one that causes depressed partners to say they’re no longer in love and have never loved their partners.
It’s called anhedonia, the inability to feel pleasure or interest in anything.
For me, it was a kind of deadness. Rather than an excess of painful emotion, it was the lack of pain, the lack of feeling, that was the undercurrent of all the surface turmoil.
I believed that the relationship was holding me back. It had become hollow, empty of the intensity I longed for.
I could only find happiness and passion with someone else. It was the fantasy of the perfectly passionate mate that was a constant lure.
I recently re-read a chapter in Peter Kramer’s insightful book, Should You Leave?, that captured this exactly.
As one of the dwindling number of psychiatrists who still practice psychotherapy, he often works with clients who are dissatisfied with their relationships. They want to know if leaving is the best thing to do.
When he encounters someone who is convinced that the marriage is dead, he says that he always suspects depression or another mood disorder.
He can sense that the person before him could well have an undiagnosed depression that has emptied him of all feeling. Anhedonia is the cause of the desire to leave to find a new, more intense life. His relationship feels loveless because he can hardly feel at all.
The problem is that the unaware depressive has such a high threshold of feeling that it takes extreme arousal to evoke excitement and passion. He can erupt with anger and rage because these are more violent emotions that stir him as little else does.
Kramer says that these clients often believe that they’re perfectly capable of feeling. After all, they can go out and have fun with friends. They can feel passionate with others who likely have no constraining relationships or might be seeking the same kind of escape.
But they feel good precisely because these experiences offer exceptionally high levels of stimulation. They may also turn to addictive habits like recreational drugs, drinking, gambling or pornography for the same reason.
Fantasies of escaping into a life full of new intensity seem like the perfect answer to their inner emptiness.
No single explanation covers the diversity and unique facts of every relationship threatened by depression. This one fits much of my experience and also fits many of the stories that readers tell me in comments and emails.
Hey Everyone,
I had a close friend send the following article that I think sums up a lot of our sitches with depressed spouses. For me, this was helpful to read because it describes my W to a T. Sometimes we just don't have any control of these things, all the more reason to detach. We can't fix them.
Depression can have a devastating effect on close relationships. Sometimes depressed people blame themselves for their pain, sometimes they blame their partners.
It’s baffling and shocking to see them turn into cold and blaming strangers. After years of affection and intimacy, how can they suddenly declare that they don’t feel love, even worse, that they have never loved their partners at all?
Depressed partners may refuse to face the inner pain that’s wrecking their lives. Rather than seek treatment, they come to believe that it’s the existing relationship that is ruining them. Their answer is often to leave and find happiness elsewhere.
The specific effects of depression will differ in every relationship, but this is the problem I hear about most often and the one I lived with.
What exactly is the inner pain that can’t be faced and dealt with? Reciting the usual list of depression symptoms and the effects they can have on everyday life only gets you so far. General lists don’t capture the experience.
Talking about “inner pain” suggests despair or other unbearable hurt that demands an explanation and must be escaped as quickly as possible. Since depression is a condition that can vary from day to day, that active side of pain can be the driving motive.
But there is another dimension of depression that can lead to the idea of escape as the answer.
It’s the one that causes depressed partners to say they’re no longer in love and have never loved their partners.
It’s called anhedonia, the inability to feel pleasure or interest in anything.
For me, it was a kind of deadness. Rather than an excess of painful emotion, it was the lack of pain, the lack of feeling, that was the undercurrent of all the surface turmoil.
I believed that the relationship was holding me back. It had become hollow, empty of the intensity I longed for.
I could only find happiness and passion with someone else. It was the fantasy of the perfectly passionate mate that was a constant lure.
I recently re-read a chapter in Peter Kramer’s insightful book, Should You Leave?, that captured this exactly.
As one of the dwindling number of psychiatrists who still practice psychotherapy, he often works with clients who are dissatisfied with their relationships. They want to know if leaving is the best thing to do.
When he encounters someone who is convinced that the marriage is dead, he says that he always suspects depression or another mood disorder.
He can sense that the person before him could well have an undiagnosed depression that has emptied him of all feeling. Anhedonia is the cause of the desire to leave to find a new, more intense life. His relationship feels loveless because he can hardly feel at all.
The problem is that the unaware depressive has such a high threshold of feeling that it takes extreme arousal to evoke excitement and passion. He can erupt with anger and rage because these are more violent emotions that stir him as little else does.
Kramer says that these clients often believe that they’re perfectly capable of feeling. After all, they can go out and have fun with friends. They can feel passionate with others who likely have no constraining relationships or might be seeking the same kind of escape.
But they feel good precisely because these experiences offer exceptionally high levels of stimulation. They may also turn to addictive habits like recreational drugs, drinking, gambling or pornography for the same reason.
Fantasies of escaping into a life full of new intensity seem like the perfect answer to their inner emptiness.
No single explanation covers the diversity and unique facts of every relationship threatened by depression. This one fits much of my experience and also fits many of the stories that readers tell me in comments and emails.
This is a good article, thanks for sharing this. While this probably explains what led to the WAS doing what they did, it also reinforces that there is nothing the LBS can do. It is their journey and they have to travel it alone.
You're right, MLC.
It's so hard to just watch my family go down the tubes and not be able to do a damn thing about it.
Hey Everyone,
I had a close friend send the following article that I think sums up a lot of our sitches with depressed spouses. For me, this was helpful to read because it describes my W to a T. Sometimes we just don't have any control of these things, all the more reason to detach. We can't fix them.
Depression can have a devastating effect on close relationships. Sometimes depressed people blame themselves for their pain, sometimes they blame their partners.
It’s baffling and shocking to see them turn into cold and blaming strangers. After years of affection and intimacy, how can they suddenly declare that they don’t feel love, even worse, that they have never loved their partners at all?
Depressed partners may refuse to face the inner pain that’s wrecking their lives. Rather than seek treatment, they come to believe that it’s the existing relationship that is ruining them. Their answer is often to leave and find happiness elsewhere.
The specific effects of depression will differ in every relationship, but this is the problem I hear about most often and the one I lived with.
What exactly is the inner pain that can’t be faced and dealt with? Reciting the usual list of depression symptoms and the effects they can have on everyday life only gets you so far. General lists don’t capture the experience.
Talking about “inner pain” suggests despair or other unbearable hurt that demands an explanation and must be escaped as quickly as possible. Since depression is a condition that can vary from day to day, that active side of pain can be the driving motive.
But there is another dimension of depression that can lead to the idea of escape as the answer.
It’s the one that causes depressed partners to say they’re no longer in love and have never loved their partners.
It’s called anhedonia, the inability to feel pleasure or interest in anything.
For me, it was a kind of deadness. Rather than an excess of painful emotion, it was the lack of pain, the lack of feeling, that was the undercurrent of all the surface turmoil.
I believed that the relationship was holding me back. It had become hollow, empty of the intensity I longed for.
I could only find happiness and passion with someone else. It was the fantasy of the perfectly passionate mate that was a constant lure.
I recently re-read a chapter in Peter Kramer’s insightful book, Should You Leave?, that captured this exactly.
As one of the dwindling number of psychiatrists who still practice psychotherapy, he often works with clients who are dissatisfied with their relationships. They want to know if leaving is the best thing to do.
When he encounters someone who is convinced that the marriage is dead, he says that he always suspects depression or another mood disorder.
He can sense that the person before him could well have an undiagnosed depression that has emptied him of all feeling. Anhedonia is the cause of the desire to leave to find a new, more intense life. His relationship feels loveless because he can hardly feel at all.
The problem is that the unaware depressive has such a high threshold of feeling that it takes extreme arousal to evoke excitement and passion. He can erupt with anger and rage because these are more violent emotions that stir him as little else does.
Kramer says that these clients often believe that they’re perfectly capable of feeling. After all, they can go out and have fun with friends. They can feel passionate with others who likely have no constraining relationships or might be seeking the same kind of escape.
But they feel good precisely because these experiences offer exceptionally high levels of stimulation. They may also turn to addictive habits like recreational drugs, drinking, gambling or pornography for the same reason.
Fantasies of escaping into a life full of new intensity seem like the perfect answer to their inner emptiness.
No single explanation covers the diversity and unique facts of every relationship threatened by depression. This one fits much of my experience and also fits many of the stories that readers tell me in comments and emails.
This is a very insightful article. This explains a little bit further why my W is seeking out a new life and potentially new relationships in another year or two, she has been doing therapy with three different counselors for the last year or so. what I really liked about this article note is how it describes how they can go numb and feel emotionally numb. Which is what leads them to escapism. They're looking for happiness, novelty, purpose and excitement outside of themselves because their self worth is so low either due to this conflict in the marriage or the inner conflict within themselves that they rarely share with anyone and keep private. Some like my wife are self-aware of this type of depression, they try to make all these changes I noticed however for themselves but never stick to it. Yep their expectations are the same for us, that we are the ones that have to change.
Another topic has come up before is being supportive. what do you do if someone that says you were never supportive of them but yet used to encourage them to take pride in themselves, yet always use every excuse not to when they were with you and they perceived you as being critical of them and insensitive. Yet when they are ready to leave you, they're all of a sudden recommitted to bettering themselves exercising at least trying to and taking better self-care. my real question about this is the reasons why they are doing it and who they are doing it for? Are they truly doing it for themselves and their self-worth and self-esteem? or are they doing it for the sake of validation from the opposite sex for sex appeal to boost their self-esteem? I've seen it too many times in too many of my relationships when they leave. you start seeing different haircuts more makeup products new perfumes that they would never wear around you before that you always requested. Newer more revealing and sexier clothing sexier underwear. Always going out with the girlfriends. I really want to know the secrets of these behaviors post-breakup. are they doing this to boost her self-esteem and ego externally to feel good about themselves by dressing better and taking better care of themselves or are they doing it to attract the opposite sex secretly for the sake of validation. externally and increase self worth? Ladies please give me the cold hard truth, and not the public spiel girl code of "just being nice and socially presentable" I don't read between the lines very well except by actions and prefer direct honest communication.
I found this article a few months ago and it was very insightful about people wanting to leave their relationships because they are depressed.
https://www.thecut.com/2019/01/ask-polly-i-want-to-leave-my-perfectly-good-husband.htmlIt makes a lot of sense for someone to think that a relationship is holding them back, and it [censored] that if we mention it might be another issue they can believe we are trying to say "You're depressed, so you're the one who's wrong", when we actually mean "I care about you and want to help you however I can so that you can feel good again".
Also, personally as a woman, whenever I went through a breakup and did that kind of thing it wasn't about the validation from the opposite gender, it was trying to feel good about myself and my life. Kind of like fake it till you make it, if that makes sense.
Interesting article, Uptown.
And I agree, we can’t point things out to the WAS. If we do, then we are invalidating them. It hurts because we know what’s happening, but we have to watch them implode.
My W cashed out her 401k to rent a home. I really think she is setting herself up for a big fall and there’s not a thing I can do about it.
I found this article a few months ago and it was very insightful about people wanting to leave their relationships because they are depressed.
https://www.thecut.com/2019/01/ask-polly-i-want-to-leave-my-perfectly-good-husband.htmlIt makes a lot of sense for someone to think that a relationship is holding them back, and it [censored] that if we mention it might be another issue they can believe we are trying to say "You're depressed, so you're the one who's wrong", when we actually mean "I care about you and want to help you however I can so that you can feel good again".
Also, personally as a woman, whenever I went through a breakup and did that kind of thing it wasn't about the validation from the opposite gender, it was trying to feel good about myself and my life. Kind of like fake it till you make it, if that makes sense.
Ok I get the GAL fake it till you make it mindset. We've all been there after a breakup or uncoupling. That we need to try new things, find ourselves, take better care of ourselves, etc. But still. When you know a persons habits inside and out for so many years. You can clearly tell when they are putting in more effort to maintain their public appearances and image that they are doing well, but then privately see them be inconsistent with their public appearance. To me its all a show. Now granted some people take care of certain areas of their lives and not others. But usually their is either consistency of a healthy individual, or inconsistency of a unhealthy individual. I still think men and women after a breakup, attempt to reform themselves into a better version which is fine. But where in what part of your life is it measurable? I still think depending on the individual and how secure/insecure they are and where their self worth is at that time? They secretly start dressing to impress not only their friends and family members, but to attract the opposite sex just in case they may happen to run in or meet someone of interest where the opportunity arises. JMO.
Hey Thornton
Just read through your sit. So sorry you're here yet again, I can only imagine what it feels like going through this again.
I'm still in the middle of this, 13 months in, and my W is also fighting depression, though she adamantly refused any help when I talked to her about it (kindly, with reserve) once over a year ago.
I have had to leave her to fight it alone, I had hard but necessary conversations with her letting her know that she can talk to me when she is ready, and that I will let her go if that is what she thinks will make her happy, I am not here to stop her. I also told her that I do not want to be with someone who does not want to be with me. It actually eased some of the tension.
All of this has come at a great cost emotionally, mentally, and physically. Some people in my life are also telling me to move on, so we do have some similarities in our sit
I recommend you take the advice you are given from friends and the like as much as you find it useful, but to also consider the source.
The only person who knows truly when you are ready to act (or not to act), is you. Others say things that they THINK they would do if they were in your situation, but it is their projection of a fictional reality based on an incomplete picture. They cannot know any other reality than their own. You are the one who knows if you are done or not.
Keep the focus on you - as you already know. Keep yourself strong, stay calm, get as grounded as you can.
Take care, man.
Thanks for the post, IronWill.
I'm sorry you are here as well. You're right, only I can decide when enough is enough. Honestly, I don't know if this pattern with W will ever stop, this is the 4th time she's left in 6 years. In fact, most of my family think that she would have done this with any partner. It's who she is.
That doesn't mean I don't love her dearly.
Thanks for the post, IronWill.
I'm sorry you are here as well. You're right, only I can decide when enough is enough. Honestly, I don't know if this pattern with W will ever stop, this is the 4th time she's left in 6 years. In fact, most of my family think that she would have done this with any partner. It's who she is.
That is awful to have to go through. Of course it is impossible to say with any certainty if she would do this with anyone else, but I completely understand your family's sentiments.
If she wasn't in a state where she did not want to talk to you at all, I might recommend laying it all out on the table, but I think that is not an option at this point for you. It seems you and I are in the same boat there.
That doesn't mean I don't love her dearly.
I absolutely understand and I have the same feelings for my W. That's why I told her she is free to go, because at the end of the day I do want her to be happy, even if that is not with me. As hard as that would be, it is how I feel.
I have come to the conclusion that regardless of the outcome, I will always love her. I also will not fight with her, but I will kindly but firmly state and keep my boundaries.
I guess that is all that we can do.
Yeah, I don't know. For me I used to dress up and party and stuff like that when I was younger. Now I do more yoga than usual, get a couple of good books, avoid alcohol or coffee. I try to look good and get pedicures, facials, buy clothes, stuff like that, but it's for me. If someone is too insecure then yeah, they'll want validation from others.
Either way, you can't know if they're doing it for others or for themselves, but you also shouldn't care too much.
I received a text from W today. d12 (my stepdaughter) went to the school counselor and said she was suicidal. They took her to the hospital and put her on a 72 hour hold.
I’m worried sick. I went and visited with her and W at the hospital and W made sure to mention that D12 was feeling this way because a boy showed her his private parts 4 years ago. I didn’t respond, but I wanted to tell W that maybe, just maybe D12 is upset she’s being uprooted again for the 15th time.
I’m so mad at W. She is taking zero responsibility for what’s happening. She simply cannot accept fault (or even some fault) or responsibility for her actions.
My anxiety is sky high and I’m not sure what to do.
I’m worried sick. I went and visited with her and W at the hospital and W made sure to mention that D12 was feeling this way because a boy showed her his private parts 4 years ago. I didn’t respond, but I wanted to tell W that maybe, just maybe D12 is upset she’s being uprooted again for the 15th time.
Wow.
It must be insanely frustrating. Good job biting your tongue. D12, either directly or through counselors, will hopefully speak up about what's really bother her. It's easier to ignore you than to ignore her.
Omg T this is such a scary development. So sorry to hear it and keeping your D in my thoughts.
Good job on not giving her the money she was wanting. Repayment for groceries and a small portion of rent is ridiculous. Be on guard, she's gonna ask for money again. The "this solidifies who you are" comment was an attempt to manipulate you unto giving it to her. My WW tried the same thing A LOT. She wants you to feel like there is still a chance of R, but you are blowing it by not giving her what she wants. Don't fall for it. She made all the decision to move out. The expenses that accompany that are all on her...
Sorry to hear about D12. It's horrible that she's in that situation, but I highly doubt she wants to kill herself because some kid showed her his junk 4 years ago. I think WW is grasping at any reason that this could be happening where it's not her fault. She's deep in the fog...
Stick to your guns, man. You may not see it now, but I think in the near future you'll see how much better you are without her. You've definitely given her more than enough chances to work on things. You'll feel better once you detach and aren't involved in her craziness anymore. This weekend will be tough, but look at it as a new beginning. You've got this...
Very sorry to hear this.
I went and visited with her and W at the hospital and W made sure to mention that D12 was feeling this way because a boy showed her his private parts 4 years ago.
She doesn't know why D12 is lashing out.
I’m so mad at W. She is taking zero responsibility for what’s happening. She simply cannot accept fault (or even some fault) or responsibility for her actions.
And neither do you. This isn't the time for you to try to blame W, this is a time you BOTH need to COME TOGETHER to support D12, not go pointing your fingers at each other, or some boy from 4 years ago or whatever. Let D know you love her unconditionally, and despite the differences between you and W that you are both there for her. She needs your love now more than ever.
And let the professionals handle this. I'm sure they will have suggestions on therapy and counseling, by all means pursue that. Don't try to intervene to "fix" her yourselves, it's important for you to treat D like she's normal and not like something is wrong with her.
Today is move out day. W should be at the house with her team grabbing her things. I decided I didn’t want to be there so I’m out running errands , and will hit up Buffalo Wild Wings to have a few cold ones and cheer in my Broncos. It feels surreal that this day has once again arrived.
Something funny though, I was at a department store earlier and walked past the mirror. I am literally wearing the same shirt I was wearing when I received bomb drop #2. I literally chuckled when I saw that.
Now it’s time to drop the rope!
Sorry T I know move out day isn’t fun. Can’t imagine what is like the 4th time.
I’m interested to know what you would require from her to reconcile for the 5th time.
Thanks LH. I don’t think there’s anything she can do. I’m tired of being the fool.
Day 1 with W out of the house and I'm hanging in there. I think it's time for me to hop off this crazy train.
I had my mom hang out at the house while W and her mom and friends grabbed her things. When I came back home, my mom told me that W's mom said she would "pray for Thornton, he has issues". My mom responded "the last time I checked, it takes two to make or break a relationship". I was glad that my mom defended me because this is W's pattern. She goes around telling anyone who will listen how awful I am. She's done this every single time she's left. But then she will want to come back to me (after I go NC) and cries about how she has had epiphanies while we are apart that she has issues and has been working on them etc.
I'm sick and tired of being labeled a monster and I will not fall for it again. My family is already warning me that I better not take her back, because she will come knocking when her life doesn't magically improve as a result of me being out of the picture.
I'm taking my life back.
Be strong there T. You know what you have to do, just do it! ;-)
(((T)))
You deserve better than the crazy train. I know how it feels to be blamed for someone else's unhappiness. Know that it isn't you. You aren't a monster. Her life will not magically improve without you; but I have a hunch yours might improve without her
Hang in there T, you're doing great. Day 1 is the hardest.
Quick update. I came home from work yesterday and W, D12, and W's mother were collecting the last of her things. I was cordial and said hello to everyone, then hugged D12 and told her I loved her. Then they all headed out.
This morning on my drive into work I received a text from W's mother. It was a meme about only being able to take things stored in your heart when we pass on. I can't tell if this is a passive aggressive barb (which W's mom is totally capable of) or a nice gesture. I decided not to respond.
I guess that's a wrap!
T -
Sorry you are having to go through this again, man. It definitely [censored], but it also definitely is not because of you.
Try to remember that - they are going through this, not you. You are giving W what she thinks will make her happy, and in that way you are doing the best possible thing you can given the options you have available to you right now - letting her go.
Hope you have some GAL planned to relax and get your mind off this for a little while.
Take care man
Thornton, I'm sorry to hear things have come to this. Whether you allow you W back into your life is entirely up to you. You're going to be fine no matter what, but please please continue to reach out to D12 and make sure she knows you are there for her. A typical teen will act cool, but they will know the truth deep down and appreciate it.
Thanks for the posts, IronWill and Jim.
I will certainly keep in contact with D12. I've raised her as my own since she was 3 years old and I can't fathom simply not talking to her anymore.
I suspect that once I truly let go of W and perhaps start dating again, that she will keep D12 from me as punishment. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
W may do just that. Before that happens, I'd suggest you sit down with D12 and let her know that you will always be there for her. You can't really say "if W cuts me off, I"ll still be there if you need me", but you can say something to that effect.
I was feeling pretty decent the past few days as I’ve been NC with W since she left. This evening it’s caught up with me and I’m struggling. I know time heals and there’s no shortcuts, but this just [censored].
Thornton. I don't know if this might help. Here are some videos that spoke to me regarding relationships, keeping a balance, noticing detrimental behaviors and thought patterns, healing and living yourself, etc. I was having a extremely bleak hard day today too, about the future. This guys videos are great. I highly recommend him. He has a lot of valuable life lessons.
https://youtu.be/wiOpLsQFwCU Name is Jay Shetty. This guy is an amazing life and relationship coach. Totally blows Tony Robbins away! IMHO
I feel for you. Those down days $uck. You will get through it. You're not alone. Get up and go do something. Take a walk. Go to the gym. Get lunch with a friend. Hang in there, buddy!
Thanks IHCLACS and Jim, I appreciate the support.
I'm feeling stronger today after my pity party last night.
Just onward and upward T!
You are an old DB wolf. Face reality and keep GAL.
Give time the time. Find calm and patience. Know yourself a little better. Keep moving forward.
(((T)))
I'm feeling stronger today after my pity party last night.
It's an emotional roller coaster, and you're going to have ups and downs. Glad you're feeling better today
My observation has been that each piece of pain temporarily disables us, we reflect on it, we try to change our mindset on it to become unstuck, get us out of our emotions and into action to change the circumstance that is influcting us in the first place, then we grow stronger. Like a muscle healing from over work.
First temp check since I went NC. W texted me to see if I had thrown away a scarf I had bought her. Then she followed it up with “never mind, that that was a shitty thing to ask”. I didn’t respond.
I’m adjusting to life without W and will eventually get to the point I’m indifferent. One day at a time..
Thornton, you did well with the temp check.
How are you doing with GAL?
What a roller coaster this is. One day I feel pretty good, detached, and optimistic. The next day I'm stuck in my thoughts wondering how this happened all over again what I could have done differently to have kept my family together.
And a part of me wonders why I miss someone who clearly does not have the same feelings for me as I do for her.
Just remember that's normal. Ups and downs come and g. Work your way out of the downs and understand they always pass!
Time to know yourself a little better. Surf the waves up T! Move forward and keep PMA.
Be strong there my friend!
(((T)))