Divorcebusting.com
Not willing to quit - 08/30/19 09:44 PM
Re: Not willing to quit - 08/30/19 09:54 PM
Originally Posted by "Turbine"
Quick update.
W: Bring a truck to move your stuff. You don't have to sort in the house it will take you forever.

Me: Placing a condition like that mid afternoon on Friday of a holiday weekend is unreasonable. I will be there to sort my stuff in the morning.

So is my response sound good for DB?

Calling her condition "Unreasonable" probably doesn't count as validation. "I get you're worried about how long this will take. I plan to stick to what we agreed to--Sat, Xpm to Ypm."
Re: Not willing to quit - 09/01/19 03:43 PM
Well Saturday fell apart. While running the errands I needed to the car started hesitating like it wanted to stall out at low rpm. Check engine light came on and was intermittent. This was just in the shop! Now it is back at the shop. Fortunately two of our kids were close and picked me up. If they were home it would be more like 45 minutes or more.
We visited Bailey, used to be our dog. Still remembered our son.

So the car is aggravating. On top of all the rest of the dog pile as of late.

Gets hard to not just toss your hands up and go I quit. Lots of push to end this. I still am torn. So this just drags it out more.

I'm praying for some good friends in Florida. Thought she was in remission but not the case. He has had multiple strokes and messed his short term memory a bit. He doesn't remember many people he worked with but he does remember me. Faith is tested in many was.
Re: Not willing to quit - 09/03/19 10:04 AM
Happiness has to be found within yourself. Yet I am still very much hing up on remaining with her.
I dreamed about her last night. Okay after I dozed off again. This 2 am stuff is getting so old. I can't make her happy. I would like to provide times where we can be happy together. I am happy with her. Or was. I want to have that chance to know. Kids are saying she has never been what I thought. Which is criticism of a choice I made. Not Happy about that.

I can't afford a lawyer anymore. Would have been better to just pay some of the debt.

So yes I am still very annoyed with this whole thing. My part, my inability or lack of desire to move on. You have no idea how much I despise that whole phrase. Her, not responding or even being civil in dealing with the house.

Am I calmer and better than i was over a year ago? Perhaps. Right now I am going to get ready and walk three miles to get to the repair shop and see if they might have a loaner for today. At the very least update them as to why it is back again.
Re: Not willing to quit - 09/15/19 06:34 PM
Car is fixed. Yea!!!

On the other hand W is not moving. Text exchange ran not chance or reconcile. I asked for house key. She asked why. New locks and I'd like to get my stuff/sort on my schedule. She asked about a truck and to let her know, weekend is good. I told her no, done with her games. Court papers say I can be there and I asked her if she is saying I can't. She asked why am I making this so hard. Go through my stuff on my schedule. Her attendance not required. Supply a key. Not hard.

This is a long temper tantrum. Both lawyers are sick of this and her lawyer quit because no payment. I am going to petition for dismissal. She is wasting time and not cooperating with court orders.

DBing? Probably not.

Is she justified in her list of complaints. Sure.

I didn't just roll over and give her what she wanted right away. something I would do before. Changes... that's what we are supposed to initiate right. Positive changes. So gym, church, reading some help books. The therapist... not so much.
Re: Not willing to quit - 09/15/19 07:33 PM
This is good Turbine, keep going with what is fair and court ordered. Do not put up with her not wanting to comply just because it doesn't suit her. You're spot-on when you say, "this is a long temper tantrum". Yep!

And you can't reason with toddlers.

I'm concerned you're texting her about things that are not logistical in nature. A R talk via text? Stop that. It's not going to go anywhere and it's going to A) Make her dig her heals in more because she knows she can hurt you and B) Just hurt you.

Re: Not willing to quit - 09/15/19 07:37 PM
Okay, poorly explained. She texted me about no chance or reconcile. I didn't comment on that at all. Stuck to the logistical stuff.
Re: Not willing to quit - 09/15/19 07:55 PM
That is GREAT Turbine. Thanks for clarifying. And bizarre of her to just text that unprovoked.

I'm really, really pleased to hear you've stuck to the logistical and taking one slow step at a time. That's all we can do.
Re: Not willing to quit - 09/16/19 03:33 AM
Good for you Turbine! You are sounding like you are doing a bit better. Glad you got your car fixed.
Re: Not willing to quit - 09/27/19 02:27 AM
Two more days at Fermi and then I am job hunting. (Be vewy vewy quiet, I'm job hunting) I did get a list from the engineer I am reporting to of the agencies they hire contractors from. So that is a plus. Letters of recommendation... also a plus.

Still not getting home. Cardio night at the gym and Chick-fil-A for dinner. Just the sandwich. I ate in my car outside Ray's. He used to be my parents neighbor and I am currently staying with him. Good arrangement so far. Several pizzas, a few meals at Finn McCool's and a Chinese dinner so far. I take out the trash and help when I can. Ray is in his eighties and still really sharp.

I wanted to sit on my driveway and eat. (mile from Ray's) I want to sleep in my bed. i haven't been home since my trip to Spa Le'Psych in May. That was one of the biggest things I wanted to do while I was in that place. Some days this feeling is worse than others and time at the gym isn't enough. Talking to Jim, Johhny, Jack, or the tiki dude isn't the answer so that is out too.

Old boss said he would give me a recommend and asked if I would stop by. Coffee and catch up. He has a few ideas he wanted my opinion on. Why not.

She didn't make the mortgage payment this month. Following is the text exchange:

Me: I have not seen any email about the mortgage being paid for September. The house gets foreclosed there will be no money and still will owe. This is unacceptable.

Her: You pay some, you don't sign the divorce that applies still married.

Me:You didn't help for a year. You made me homeless. You changed the locks so I can't work on my stuff. I have been paying all the car insurance. Stop playing games. You want this then cooperate.
Me: I also will be unemployed October 1st.

Her:You're always like that..
Homeless??

Me: What did you think would happen? I have slept in my car.

Her: Because that's what you wanted, don't you realize? You keep telling me before when you are in the house, you always screamed at me to get out of the house and you would say not giving me any Penney and you put the house for foreclosure. Very sad thought..

Me: Yes, I yelled. I was loosing my forever partner. I didn't want this. I didn't want a roommate. I wanted my wife. Even though we were not agreeing.
Me: There was just too much.
Me: My behavior was wrong. I shouldn't have yelled at you for any reason. I hurt you by yelling.

Her: That partner it wasn't really yours, thats why this what happened. You don't take care of her nor depend. You treat her like a slave, she will never go back. You call her bitch. Ther's nothing for you to hope. You just wasting your time.

Me: I regret you feel that way. I regret calling you by any term that was disrespectful.

Yeah... some of that could be better on my part. Not sure about the third person stuff by her. She didn't know or ask about my working so the time at Fermi is unknown. Her last two sentences... Sees the changes and doesn't believe them? I don't know. Mountain out of a molehill on my part?

Well I am feeling a bit better. Tired too so maybe I will sleep really well tonight.
Re: Not willing to quit - 09/27/19 01:23 PM
Good luck with the job hunt Turbine!! Sounds like your W did not feel very appreciated when you were together and she still has a lot of anger toward you. Yes...mountain out of a molehill. She is telling you there is no hope and she will not go back. It is in your best interest to believe her at this point. Keep DBing and leave her be as much as possible. (((HUGS)))
Re: Not willing to quit - 09/29/19 05:43 PM
Got a text message from W with an attached picture of a court order for her only about owing money (over 2k). She said we should split this.

Still can't go home.

Seems to be imploding here. She wants help with stuff but on her terms. I want some reciprocal but to be honest I am not holding my breath. Blue skin doesn't look good on me...

Tomorrow is last day at Fermi. I hate leaving in the middle of the job but it is what it is.

My mind set isn't quit so Wifecentric either. Some but not as much.
Re: Not willing to quit - 09/29/19 09:05 PM
New text message from her.
"You gonna pick up your mail today?"

Not responding right away. Really tempted to answer along the lines that "I'll be by to sort through it sure."
Re: Not willing to quit - 09/29/19 09:53 PM
Her reply: Reply: "What time will you be here? If you don't have a truck to put your stuff then I am only put the mail out in front the house. Thanks for your cooperation."

Cooperation? Really not very cooperative. So I haven't responded yet. Annoyed yes, a bit upset but that is not useful so...

Truck on Sunday evening? Missing some rational thoughts here. Not to be expected from her.
Re: Not willing to quit - 09/29/19 10:34 PM

(((Hugs)))
Re: Not willing to quit - 10/05/19 05:24 AM
Well I feel less than stellar. Oh, this will be very disjointed stream of conscious type post.

Finished my time at Fermi. I will be starting a new job Monday as a manual machinist. Been a long time since I did that but the skills are there. Rusty but there. Got to get my tools from the garage. Fortunately that isn't attached to the house not is it locked.

W texted me about dinner. To talk. I suggested her favorite Chinese restaurant and the day she texted. She couldn't and suggested Friday. So we did. Just the two of us.

I ate a bowl of won ton soup and drank a cup of tea. She had her clam soup, Beef with mushrooms and shrimp toast. Initially splitting the check. I ordered a trio plate but didn't eat it. I sent all the leftovers with her at the end of the meal.

I listened but not enough I suppose. She said she has a boyfriend. We are still married... Does she really? or just saying that to hurt me? Does it matter? No it hurts true or not.

She isn't relenting about my going home. Nor getting back together. I'm not willing to stop yet. I don't feel it is over. I love her and yes it was a mess.

She thought after my parents were gone I would go back to church. When she asked I said no. Now.... too late apparently. BTW church hymns have been running through my head.

Dealing with the estate, the trust, my sister... in over my head. W didn't understand the trust stuff either.

So over the dinner (ha) she mentioned buying her out for $40K. So half my inheritance. She didn't say it that way, she did mention the dollar amount only. To which I replied the inheritance... which was supposed to be for us to retire with. Got defensive about that. Said do that and I can go home. She won't be there though. I don't want the house. i want her. I still don't know how to let go of her. Yes she is hurting me. Because I am letting her. I paid the dinner. Tied the leftover bags together. Thanked her and said we haven't agreed on anything. I got up and took my jacket and walked out without looking back. No tears, no raving, no scene. I stopped and had a scoop of the flavor of the day at my favorite frozen custard shop. Pumpkin cheesecake. Lots of pain from her in her comments. One known mistake was commenting negatively on the "boyfriend". I forgive her. I love her still after all this. So why can't I let go? I messed up and never seemed to measure up to what her ideal was. I've said before that I thought she was perfect for me, flaws and all. Never thought divorce was an option. Worst thing I ever said was about her doing that. I told her that tonight. Probably a mistake since she knows she has a rope there. Well past string. So tomorrow morning I will be going to see a previous boss. Asked me to stop by for coffee, a talk and some ideas he has. Sure. Church tomorrow night. Which makes me have to think about am I really going for me or for her. I have to say the last time I went to Catholic mass it felt wrong. I tried one of these new evangelical churches and that place was a little to lax during their service. So... yeah... I'm there. which doesn't sound very convincing though. Did the terminally stupid monster show up. Yeah... I need to kick that to the curb so hard that it will never come back. Because I thought about stuff again. Sprawled across the hood of her car, knife on the ground and blood everywhere. That eliminates any chance of R. Shows a serious lack of trust in God too. But I did think it. I also tossed it out. Our S got married yesterday. W wasn't there. Not sure she knows or was given the chance to attend. Not mine to share. Likely I will be blamed though. Definitely feeling a major fight with depression right now. I can't make her happy not expect her to be my source of being happy. I want to share the future with her though. To make the memories that I expected us to make. It seems that I am still very much broken. I am trying to grow and be improved. For me for us for her. There is the problem right. For her and it is obvious. Needy and unattractive. Not exactly feeling the love fro myself right now. I don't want to be a "nice" guy. I want to be a good man. Re: Not willing to quit - 10/05/19 08:04 AM I did wonder if the 3rd person part before was written by a boyfriend: Originally Posted by "Turbine" Her: That partner it wasn't really yours, thats why this what happened. You don't take care of her nor depend. You treat her like a slave, she will never go back. You call her bitch. Ther's nothing for you to hope. You just wasting your time. Originally Posted by "Turbine" It seems that I am still very much broken. I am trying to grow and be improved. Everyone has cracks. It makes you human. Rock on with your self-improvement! Re: Not willing to quit - 10/05/19 09:10 PM I feel so horrible today. Driving to my house I was overcome with tears, rage, anger and it ended when the tears stopped. My son and I installed a home made flag pole from 1 inch steel pipe. I wanted to break it off. I want to disable the lock to the house. Stupid and petty revenge garbage and I won't because I KNOW I will get screwed for it. She can do stuff like change the locks and nothing. If there is a boyfriend... I don't know what I will do. We are still married. This hurts so much. I live in the Chicago suburbs. Wrong neighborhood, mouth off, flash the wrong hand sign or too much cash and voila... taken out by a gang banger. I want my wife... and many of her actions are blocking or indicate never. Early morning sprawled across the hood of her fancy car, a knife on the ground where it fell from my hand and blood everywhere. She wouldn't care. I would have shared the pain and gained what? Eternal damnation? What do I do about these thoughts? Keep them hidden, unvoiced or expressed to fester and grow, slowly poisoning my spirit? I want to be home, sleep in my bed, cook and eat in our kitchen. Except she is adamant about that. Wants me to sign the divorce papers before I can come back. Looks like I will be out until the court date. Maybe she will be held in contempt. Jail time? I don't want that for her, or for me. I feel so boxed in by all this. Yeah, I messed up. I don't want to be that man. I want a fair chance. I want to love her and not smother her. No texts since I left last night. I want to though. I want my pain to be gone. I am in a hole and not only am I still digging the dirt is being shoveled back in on top of me. It feel like the court system is doing it. My friends say let her go. My family does too. My minister says stay strong. I'm not sure that sitting with Midnight (daughter's cat) Susan (daughter's dog) Bailey (used to be our dog) would help. I want her and she says " I don't love you. I have no feelings for you. I have a boyfriend." I'm so emotionally a wreck. I don't feel like there are any wins here. Just a continuous chain of losses. Does writing this help? IDK... Mahal... lets try please. I can't ask her... she throws it back in my face. Pain for pain? Re: Not willing to quit - 10/05/19 09:44 PM Originally Posted by Turbine Early morning sprawled across the hood of her fancy car, a knife on the ground where it fell from my hand and blood everywhere. She wouldn't care. I would have shared the pain and gained what? Eternal damnation? What do I do about these thoughts? Keep them hidden, unvoiced or expressed to fester and grow, slowly poisoning my spirit? Turbine, you can share here, but please speak to a therapist a.s.a.p. if you're having suicidal fantasies. Pain that deep sometimes needs a specialist to help with the healing. Originally Posted by "Turbine" If there is a boyfriend... I don't know what I will do. We are still married. For many--including me when I left my ex-wife--once served and separated the marriage is done. It sounds like you see yourself as married to her, but she does not see herself as married to you. Hopefully, you'll build a stronger Turbine, that will awe you, your ex, and others! Re: Not willing to quit - 10/05/19 09:54 PM Hey Turbine. I understand how you feel about all the losses. It makes you feel as a failure for living up to someone else's expectations of you. That you incorrectly chose, said, and did in the past, that the treatment that you gave was not enough for them, that the guilt will be there to haunt you, that you want to make good on those things now, and you can't, that you are no longer a priority, loved, or considered, that they treat everyone else well but us now. That we want to change, that we want to control our emotions from all this negative external stimuli and treatment, that we want things to be fair with the courts, when its clearly biased. That we want to fight for what's right, and yet when we do, people don't respect it because they can't get their way. Looking for reactivity from a person that no longer wants us is fruitless. Revenge is fruitless. (Trust me I know I can have the same mindset at times.) I've realised that those that cannot control their emotions make bad decisions for the short term, and have heavy consequence. One moment of justice is not worth a lifetime of regret. So please. Stop the attention seeking from your Ex. I know it is hard to value yourself and your life right now, with the world caving in around you with all the losses. Emotionally, financially, spiritually, physically, If you're ex has a BF that is partially a reflection of you, for who you WERE in the relationship, but it is mostly a reflection OF HER. We are all chasing the dragon in a sense, of being a better version of ourselves, of finding new joyful experiences in life, purpose, and novelty. And we need to make that healthy distinction. Being alone right now with no one to connect to with all the fear, insecurity, lack of life direction, loss and rejection of a loved one, being completely broke, wife replacing you, your home, your social life, your family, your dreams, being homeless and not having a place to live, is by far the most paralyzing experience anyone can have. I understand as a Man you probably feel victimized by all this, disrespected, discarded, betrayed and punished for past mistakes. Its like the ex is taking the actions and the courts are the enforcer. Keep your focus on what you can control, but please please take time to heal too. Im sure you probably feel stuck beteeen the past and scared about the future, and the emotions are keeping you paralyzed there from taking action and changing course with the flow of things. Try to get into the flow, learn, adapt, feel, but control too. Your a military guy right? If you don't do xyz, if you don't detach, if you cast your critical thinking aside. You will drown. l I've been using YouTube as a distraction from my real priorities lately to help me with my emotional triggers, it has been somewhat preventing me from focusing on what I really should be doing, but every time o want to kick punch, scream, or yell, every time I feel reactive from Ex's actions, I go to it to it for answers to find my worth, my strength and my desire to live. The bible, prayer, and God help too. But I notice that when I find people with ways of changing how I view the world, it has a stronger impact. There is this guy called Jay Shetty on YouTube who has had a significant impact about life relationships, how people interact, and how to heal and grow. His videos have been really helping me with my hurt, anger, jealousy, and perspective the last few days. Please look him up. He may change your mind on how you are viewing yourself and your sich. Your pain, help you to let go, and carry forward. Re: Not willing to quit - 10/05/19 10:02 PM All this pain Turbine. Use it. Use it to change and to grow. Turbine. Do you really want to leave this world not correcting and learning from the mistakes you made? Not living your best life? Not taking chances, having regrets and transforming into a person that can handle anything, including themselves, and divorce? Re: Not willing to quit - 10/06/19 02:32 AM IHCLAS, we are still married. She just isn't acting like we are. and it still hurts. Re: Not willing to quit - 10/06/19 09:07 AM Turbine, I am sorry to hear this is going on for you still. Nothing seems to have changed and it wont until you do. She is gone and you are still pining away with too much focus on her. Can I ask since you are a religious person, does it really matter in the end? Does her being by your side really matter in the grand scheme of things? Isn't it just you and God, your maker? If you had a list of all your wrongs, do you have to make them right by her? Or do you want to make them right with yourself and God? You've been at this for a year. We come here broken and beat up and we slowly try to heal and rebuild. Where are you in your process? Can you heal and rebuild while still holding on and clinging to her? Sometimes from reading your posts she has been mean and maybe you feel its warranted because of the way you treated her in the past. That doesn't give her right to walk all over you. And this latest bit of info about having a BF... I would be a little angry about that too and like IH said, use that energy and turn it into something positive. Know your worth and stop the self pity. And please stop thinking that suicide will do any good. I think I get it that you want her to see the level of pain that she is causing you and I think you have your answer. She won't care so it will be pointless to try and do that to hurt her when you will be hurting so many other people who DO CARE about you. There is no logic in that thinking so please stop that. I'm not saying these things to be mean or to be without compassion. I can identify with much of what you are going through and have felt, and it does no good to linger in that space you are in for so long. I read your last post to IH about you two still being married and she is just not acting like it. Not sure if you are hearing yourself as you're going thru D, having your world turned upside down, her telling you she's got a BF, and you're wondering if she's only doing that to hurt you, like its some dream. I don't know what it will take for you to wake up out of this and love yourself and her enough to let her go, not in this selfish way. This is still all too selfish. You have the grit to make it through this. Re: Not willing to quit - 10/06/19 02:05 PM Good post Adam04. I feel the same way Turbine. Ive been paying attention to my rollercoaster of emotions through all of this, although I don't have "the solution" to "get things right". But it is better to be self aware of it. I will say this. There are layers to it all for me anyway. When I focus on myself, it is minimal, out of necessity and survival, mixed partly in with subborness, denial, and resentment to force me through it and get the job done. Its like being paralyzed and fighting whay we really don't want but know we have to do. Beneath that layer is a desire to change, to live for ourselves, to find happiness and purpose, and although we can't help it. We think of the past, all the good times, the intimate moments, the successes and failures, the hurts, the guilt, etc, which keeps us stuck, but still reflecting and learning. We watch videisn we take advise, we go to therapy to learn how to deal with all this, we turn on our emotions, we shut them down, we find new ways to deal with them, we go crazy trying to find an outlet and support. Then beneath all that. We want connection we can't have, we want nothing more tgan to reconcile, we turn to God and scripture, and want nothing more than to forgive, not be cold torwards ourselves and our ex's. We wish they could see it from our side, and discuss it. And vice versa. Its a lot of trauma for them and for us to process. We can't control any of it. Its their choice. Its their choice to stop loving us. Its their choice to lead their lives the way they want to lead it. Just like it was ours to what got us here in the first place. Like I said its partly a reflection of some of our actions of the past, and partly a reflection of them making the choice to move away from us. Whether they get better, get happy, get purposeful without us, or whether they self destruct, or both. We can no longer keep score what they are doing, who they are dating, where they ate going, etc. It just keeps us more stuck on them, and less focused on ourselves and getting better. They are essentially renting the space in our minds and our hearts for free, when we are no longer a priority to them, and we are allowing it. The right thing to do,,but the hardest thing to do is let them go, set them free, let them live, and let them choose. Right wrong or indifferent. I still think that they think love is a feeling. That it is attraction, that it is supposed to be effortless, butterflies, It is a choice. It is a choice to forgive, overlook someone's flaws, let go of resentment, forgive, etc. Make the choice to forgive them, but yourself first. Make the choice to love your self first. Make the choice to realize it is not entirely a reflection of yourself of why we are here. Re: Not willing to quit - 10/06/19 02:48 PM I've called my Ex a bitch before too Turbine, particularly when she was acting bitchy. Her own 94 year old grandmother has before too years ago. My W is far from a bitch. She is a kind soul. But she can be bitchy at times from the rumination and resentment she builds in her head and stuffs her feelings down. The last time I called her bitchy over our property settlement agreenent, she understood why I would percieve it that way, based on her presentation. This is how I could tell she is finally detached. I apolagized for says that, not addressing her in a respectful manner, and asked her if she could try to do the same. Getting back to your ex having a BF is that really a reflection of you? Or of her? Think about it? How ever many years You guys were together, and she either was behind your back, or is presently seeking a BF. How is that a reflection of you? I know you probably won't have the opportunity to address this again. But if the BF thing comes up again, she's doing it for one of two reasons.She is either putting you on notice to make you let her go, and unintentionally hurt you so you do. The other reason is emotional immaturity. She's trying to fill a void in herself, that was always there on her own account, or because of the void you left, and she is seeking your replacement, BOTH DO NOT HAVE ANY REFLECTION OF YOYR SWKF WORTH, THEY ARE HER CHOICES. You can't fill what was never there. She has some growing to do in alone time, and chooses to fill the void with novelty and distraction. See it for what it is. Say... "Oh you have a BF? That's Great! Im sure he's a great guy!" And walk away! Re: Not willing to quit - 10/06/19 03:08 PM Originally Posted by "IHCLACS" The last time I called her bitchy.. she understood why I would percieve it that way, based on her presentation. This is how I could tell she is finally detached. A mature response--your ex has learned to empathize instead of lashing out. I wonder if you feel what I often hear on threads, "Ugh! If only they learned that while we were still together." It's amazing how many changes we make after a breakup that would have avoided the breakup (or relationship) in the first place. When my ex-wife asked me whether I wanted to meet her boyfriend, I said, "No thanks." I am glad she found someone to fill a void, as you say, as in relationships she's more balanced around the kids. It could be as simple as having an another life anchor and a sounding board for her ideas. Originally Posted by "ICLACS" Say... "Oh you have a BF? That's Great! Im sure he's a great guy!" And walk away! That sounds overboard to me. Re: Not willing to quit - 10/06/19 04:35 PM Hey CW? What did you mean by "another life anchor and sounding board for her ideas" Are you saying you're ex feeling like she has a sounding board for her ideas in her new relationship with her BF, and that is what keeps her there having the valadation of such? Glad to hear she is more balanced with the kids. Re: Not willing to quit - 10/30/19 11:12 AM Three weeks at a new job, actually in the fourth week. All are 50 plus hours in front of a lathe. Email from the lawyer about a pre-trial. I have no idea what or if any of my concerns were addressed in the previous email to her (L). Since I got that email I have been getting angrier and feeling more frustrated. I want to be able to go through my stuff on my schedule. W hasn't been home or cooperative and the locks were changed. Something else that seems to be getting glossed over. I change the lock on the bedroom door and am told to change it back. Yet we are supposed to cooperate and she changes the locks... won't let me in and makes threats about tossing my stuff. I woke up this morning still very frustrated and dark. Even the thought of not seeing my kids or grandkids anymore isn't much of a deterrent. I'm not taking my cholesterol meds. I don't care. Gym time helps and my new schedule has me tired after ten hours. Yes, still clinging and hoping at times. Other times I just want to sleep in my bed, sort my stuff and go. Let her have the house. All the mortgage and bills. Take my name off that stuff and let me go. Seem she is clinging too. Getting resentful toward her instead of loving and forgiving. Re: Not willing to quit - 10/30/19 12:57 PM Hey there Turbine. I've not been following along too closely but pop over from time to time. As tough as it is, you need to get out of your own head. That's where the darkness is. I'm worried that you've stopped taking your cholesterol meds. At our time of life we need to take as good of care of ourselves and our plumbing so that we have good health in the years to come. Know that what you are feeling is normal, especially in situations that drag out like your's does with all the mixed signals. The resentment is normal. Someone who is supposed to have your back puts a knife in it. I've been there myself. You'll get through this. It's going to hurt and hurt for a while. Focus on the positive things in your life no matter how minor they are. Those sparks of joy will help light your way as will your Faith. Re: Not willing to quit - 10/31/19 10:56 AM Yeah, I do need to get out of my head. Church last night and I managed to stay awake. Shamefully I have a tendency to fall asleep during the evening services. Reasons why are no excuse. Long days, sitting still... I've fallen sleep in front of my video games. Not making a comparison. More a statement that I get to a point and doesn't matter what or where. Tired of the games. I want this divorce like I wanted to go on a deployment. Its going to happen and my participation is mandatory, willing or not. I'm not even sure what I am fighting for anymore. I want my stuff. I wanted to go home... but that isn't there anymore. Like after I had been on the Enterprise for a while. I came home on leave and when it was time to head back I was like, well time to go home. Wow was that a revelation then... and one now. Can the two of us work out? I don't know. Like I said, not even sure I want to anymore. There is no forgiveness in her. Not now, maybe never was. There are many things I would change in what I had done if I could. But being her husband... wouldn't be one of those changes. She wants me to let her go. For all her words and some of her actions, I'm not sure what she wants. Maybe to get what she thinks she deserves. Something from my inheritance? Because my parents didn't leave her anything specifically? Not how that works. Had really dark morning yesterday. Even had a plan. What would it do though? Not a thing. Make a final dramatic statement. Sorry Billy boy. For all your writing and tragic love story with Romeo and Juliet. The Beatles with "All You Need Is Love" ( another lie). It's a lie. Life and Love is hard and takes work. I want to work on it with her. Or did. Now... now we will see. Am I different? Yes, sure. How can this not force changes. I was wanting to be forever with her. Not sure she would grow enough. I'm not done. Always thought we had made a good team. Complimentary and a good whole. Re: Not willing to quit - 10/31/19 12:59 PM I'm glad you still got out to Church. Even though I'm not a person of Faith, I can't imagine a God that wouldn't forgive a tired and troubled man from resting his eye when he's save in His house. My son-in-law is stuck out in the Arabian Sea in the engine room of CVN-72 right now and has been for a while. Certainly a different boat than the Big E. I just mailed him a box full of Canadian coffee and treats. It's a tough life and with the years that you are in it, it undoubtedly shapes your world view. Where your shipmates have your back - when they're not playing a prank on you when you are in your rack. I think that the key thing I read here is the word "waiting". Yes - absolutely there are a lot of things going on that are well beyond your control. Things that are going in directions you don't want. Signals that don't make sense. A key thing that I learned - and it was tough to learn - is to let go of those things that you can't do anything about and to still go forward and do your duty regardless. Your duty is clear. You have a family who loves and needs you. Kids and grandkids. You have friends who need you. You have a new job that makes you work hard doing things you are good at. The rest, for now, you'll have to let go of any control over. There's a phrase that the Navy uses that I quite like "we have the watch shipmate". I just now stumbled on this and thought I would share. It might help. The Watch For twenty years This sailor has stood the watch While some of us were in our bunks at night This sailor stood the watch While some of us were in school learning our trade This shipmate stood the watch Yes.. even before some of us were born into this world This shipmate stood the watch In those years when the storm clouds of war were seen brewing on the horizon of history This shipmate stood the watch Many times he would cast an eye ashore and see his family standing there Needing his guidance and help Needing that hand to hold during those hard times But he still stood the watch He stood the watch for twenty years He stood the watch so that we, our families and Our fellow countrymen could sleep soundly in safety, Each and every night Knowing that a sailor stood the watch Today we are here to say 'Shipmate... the watch stands relieved Relieved by those You have trained ,Guided, and Led Shipmate you stand relieved.. we have the watch..." "Boatswain..Standby to pipe the side...Shipmate's going Ashore.." Re: Not willing to quit - 11/03/19 02:13 PM Yeah... hard to let go when you are of a control mindset. Play by the rules, do the right stuff. Get the award. Well the rules are garbage. Yes,I wanted to use other words. But I am trying to be a better and improved me. I didn't swear often to begin with and trying to get to not at all. There are many who never do. Guardians of the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier are one such group. I feel that no one who has impact in what is happening is listening. Not my W, the lawyers, the court. Adds to the frustration. As does the games. If she is gone and done with us, then why being so catty about my dealing with my stuff? A test? See if saying I want/am different (not said in a long time btw) and showing are just a trick? I don't want the trick. Faking it to get her back would be right where we are again. I want the should be. I can only show that and weather what ever she throws at me. I'm not sure how to picture life without her. Probably because it is so alien from what I had imagined. Hmmm. another epiphany... not how we imagined, but I. Not sure I can provide what she wants or thought we would be. Maybe because I didn't listen. I want to listen. To be the unbreakable rock for her. Yet all she can see is a sand castle that has been washed away. Not very happy thoughts to start my Sunday with. Maybe a trip to the gym will help. I need to go because I have been slipping with my hours at work. Re: Not willing to quit - 11/10/19 09:04 PM Spending time with my son and daughter in law. Still wanting to get my stuff but need a key. On the other hand she hasn't seemed to carryout her threat about tossing my stuff. I claimed the vacuum cleaner. I bought it. She seems to want it. She texted me a realtors info. I think we have to do that. Too many bad memories there now. At least for her. A house she was all set on. A shame she believes I am responsible for her happiness. I am responsible for my happiness. Providing her with a safe and welcoming place. More gym time. Going to Veteran's Day specials with my younger Daughter. Re: Not willing to quit - 11/10/19 09:49 PM Happy Veterans Day for Tomorrow. Re: Not willing to quit - 11/27/19 12:17 PM Had a good Veteran's day with my daughter. Enjoyed the time and the specials. House is listed and still full of stuff so the realtor isn't very optimistic. Wanted to list without interior pictures. I said show it all. Comment from my wife about not needing a key was because I choose not to live there. No, I was ordered not to. I'm not sure what she is thinking or remembering. I still haven't figured out the detach part of this. I want my Mahal, my wife. Pretty messed up isn't it. I've been on this board for a long time and not sure I have made any progress. Yeah, I still get those thoughts. Still won't act on them. Kids and grandkids... what could I leave to explain it to them. Also would she even care? Permanently removes any chance of R. I am sure that God isn't done with me yet. I ran across an article about Carlos Santana. After divorce from his wife of 34 years (if I recall the article) he found Jesus and had tried to commit suicide seven times. None of them were successful. So, yeah, fight another day even if trusting the Plan is hard. May all of you have a good thanksgiving. I will be hanging with my daughter and her BF. We will be enjoying some Cranberry Cheesecake frozen custard. Oh yeah it is as good as it sounds. If you like cranberry anyway. Re: Not willing to quit - 11/27/19 01:47 PM Why aren't you cleaning out the house? Re: Not willing to quit - 11/27/19 01:50 PM Originally Posted by Turbine I still haven't figured out the detach part of this. I want my Mahal, my wife. Pretty messed up isn't it. I've been on this board for a long time and not sure I have made any progress. Yeah, I still get those thoughts. Still won't act on them. Kids and grandkids... what could I leave to explain it to them. Also would she even care? Permanently removes any chance of R. I am sure that God isn't done with me yet. I ran across an article about Carlos Santana. After divorce from his wife of 34 years (if I recall the article) he found Jesus and had tried to commit suicide seven times. None of them were successful. So, yeah, fight another day even if trusting the Plan is hard. Are you in IC? This whole section here concerns me, about your mindset and frame-of-mind. Thoughts of suicide can be very very dangerous if not followed up with a professional on. Re: Not willing to quit - 11/27/19 05:30 PM Turbine. I may or may not have mentioned on here before that I've thought about suicide many times through out the course of my life sometimes on a daily basis. Even today it crosses my mind when things get overwhelming, circumstantial bad, or the same occurrences keep happening over and over and over no matter how hard you try to fight it. Pray for it, or improve it. So you TEMPORARILY FEEL LIKE... WHSTS THE POINT TO LIFE? The truth is its ok to think it. Its ok to talk about it. Its not ok to act on it for any reason. For attention, to end any temporary pain you may be feeling. The truth is it can bring pain and hardship one season, and blessings and abundance another. Its the ebb and flow of it all and you have to step back sometimes and recognize this and roll with the punches. Sometimes I take a nap. And even though I feel guilty of it because it kills my production. I know it resets my mind to the right place where the worry of the chattering anxiety subside You have to let it pass brother. It will force you into a stronger character. The point to life is this. None of us can predict the future, none of us have a crystal ball, and none of us know when we are going to go. It could be in our sleep at a ripe old age, or I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Or? The lottery.. Lol. I love it when I can help people that are going through a rough time because I have had my fair share of them. But compared to others, its not so bad either. Somebody somewhere out there has it worse than you. Take a drive through the most poverty stricken area you can find closest to you one night, and you'll see how fast and how grateful you become for having the life that you have, ups, downs, hi's low's and all. Your pain is a past chapter, Write a new one. I don't know why we are here? What our purpose is, or God's plan for us. A part of me wants to dwell with him because of the disdain I am starting to gave for this earth, and the other part of me has no choice but to keep going while I'm here. I do know one thing regardless until it is my time. Until I start serving the lord with all my heart, my words, my actions, my body and spirit, my fruit and my works, life is useless. Without him I can do nothing. I made bad choices, mistakes, I stumbled in sin. I'm sure our spouses have too which is why we are here. Get ok with being alone. There is freedom in it. We come into the world that way, and we go out of it the same way. Nobody knows what tomorrow brings. Pain or blessings, sometimes both in the sane day. Learn from the pain and affliction, and cherish and be gracious for the blessings. Life is important and what you make of it, but not as important as getting your mind and spirit right with God. The world experiences and pressures and pleasures can come second. Hope this helps. Re: Not willing to quit - 11/28/19 03:43 PM Thanks IHCLAS for the summary and encouragement. I read somewhere that the person thinking about suicide really wants the pain to end. I'm sure most of us here can understand that portion of it. Yes, the thoughts are there. So is the futility of it. The how to explain to those left behind why. That she wouldn't care or even if she did then it really would be too late. What I do know is I hurt inside. I hurt her. I want to fix that... with her. The idea of not her in the future... no, I don't want that. I might have to accept it though. I don't like that either. My Mom died before my Dad. Cancer. We all thought she would outlive my Dad with his heart issues and my sister with her long list of health issues. Well it didn't go that way. Dad lasted 23 months after Mom died. He gave up. He had started talking about dating though. I miss both of them. So now my sister is here still and still being a major pain with her unreasonable life expectations. Overweight, diabetic and uses a power chair to get around outside her home; she wants to get a Sprinter van and convert it to go on the road. Mobility issues for normal everyday life and doing that... I can't see it going well. Steve85, I need to have access to the house to clean it. She changed the locks and her schedule is not shared with me. I want to work on the whole thing. House, stuff, me, us, etc. Her reason is odd considering the previous court orders. Her fighting to not have the OP dropped. Claims of being bullied by my L. My IC though the VA wasn't a good fit. Do I need help? Yeah, probably. Would having a honest chance or a R with her help? Considering that has been the life raft I climbed in out in the middle of this sea of pain... yeah, I can't swim very well in real life either. I have been much better with regular church attendance. Praying. Reading my Bible and inspirational books. Gym time really helps too. I've been catching up on NCIS and just finished Ep. 16-24. I was talking to someone who thought the series has gotten stale. Been on a long time and I can see that. But Gibbs seeing his deceased second wife and talking to her as part of the plot line. They talk about the hurt and locking people out as part of the revelation. The fear of letting them back in. Seems pretty good to me still. I'm liking the new job. They like me. Still a contract position though but going permanent seems pretty good. Long hours too. 10 hour days M-F and half day on Saturday. W complained that I couldn't hold a job. My resume is honestly multiple pages. I know she has been working really hard... I really am very proud of her. She is so stubborn and determined. I miss that. I don't want to quit trying. I want to hold her and be a family. The story of King David and King Solomon are in the one book I am reading. How God Makes Men. Re: Not willing to quit - 11/29/19 04:10 AM Well today wasn't the worst. Wasn't the greatest either. But it is done. Work for tomorrow so sleep in a few. Called my sister. Tears and desperate. She wants me to buy her mobile home or live there so she can go to Arizona. Got no money other than the inheritance and she has no direct control over that. Disability has made parts of this a real pain in the backside. Buying/living there would be a real inconvenient plan. Too long of a commute for my job. My aunt talked to the accountant about gifting money to my sister from the inherited IRA. Another headache made more complicated by the pending D. We can't do anything until the d is final my aunt says. And when I say I don't want it she says I have to accept it. That my W is gone. I am so frustrated by all this stuff that I am responsible for yet have no control. My sister has unrealistic expectations of what she can do. My aunt is trying to help me get over this. Except I don't want it. I still want to try for R with my W. No contact with her today. No contact for a while. More frustration. It hurts still. Because I won't let go. or because I cant'. To be honest, yes, I have thought of the future without her and with someone else. She is the trump card in my hand/heart. How do I change out that? I still don't know. Which is why I had the forced stay at Spa Le'Pysch. Also not helpful... at least not as much as they might like to think. Does this explain my frustration any better? Oh, and the house being listed with the for sale sign in the in our yard... big old honkin failure flag. Re: Not willing to quit - 11/30/19 12:00 AM Turbine, the holidays are hard, and you've got some things going on that make them even harder. We feel for you. I can only say that you know I have had a hard time moving on, but time does heal. Give yourself time. Re: Not willing to quit - 11/30/19 12:37 AM Had a rage moment at work this afternoon. Kept it bottled up and under control. some of it is W and her games. Some of it is work and their lack of organization. Yeah, I can't impact either one. There are two of us working on lathes. The regular employee has been working on a large order that filled three scrap barrels and required removing part of the lathe bed and using over-sized arms. Needless to say the work piled up and there is a steady stream of "Can you fix/modify these parts right away?" Except it seems to be the standard operating method. Drawings not complete... etc... One of the supervisors was getting a bit insulting about can you do this, referring to a part. Yeah I can. I was not in the mood to get crap from anyone because my W is pushing her BS. Sister too. all I hear is "Fix it for me..." How about fixing it for ME? Yeah, I need some gym time. I want the effort I am making for changes to be for me, to be real and lasting. Otherwise it won't last. A lot to ask for isn't it... a fair chance with my wanna be ex. Missing a humongous chunk of my heart... Re: Not willing to quit - 11/30/19 02:41 AM I hear ya on the "fix it for me" attitude Turbine. I really do. Sometimes I feel its all my life has been reduced to in recent times. No joy. No adventure. No newness, no companionship, no novelty. For the last 8 to 10 years I feel like my entire life has revolved around fixing broken things, always anticipating what needs to be serviced, cleaned, organized, etc, before it becomes even more of a headache, I get backed up, overwhelmed, inconcenienced, and made to appear incompetent as a result of it. Its an insecurity of mine probably since I was 20 that I bring into and attach to every previous relationship. I can't hide it, I can't suppress it and I can't cure it either. Im always afraid someone will eventually leave me because they all do as a result of it. Its what makes me OCD to be able to function, and to always do things right with particularity in everything I learn and do. But most people notice I take too long, get tunnel vision, get frustrated easily when I an inconvenienced, something doesn't go right sometimes, etc, and also sometimes only following through 90% of the way and then leaving it for 4-5 years. Like project ADD in a sense. Granted I learned some great skills either out if necessity, or our of pure interest that most people cannot do, that I become an expert on certain subjects and teach them, pass on the knowledge, etc. But sometimes I feel a utility. That my life is reduced to what service I can provide to others. That my life is nothing but chores and fixing broken stuff, either do to neglect, lack of maintenance, someone else's incompetence, or my own. Sometimes I feel like my life has to suffer because someone can't build or design a part right, count money right, prepare a meal right, or provide good service right. I get easily pi$$ed off if I buy a phone, and it stops charging after a year, or spill coffee in my lap while driving because some dip$hit can't drive. Or something breaks (Which is very frequent in my life) and makes me looks incompetent and like only these things happen to me all the time. With other people, It's almost like I have to step in and show them how to do their job with pride and quality while attempting to not be so condescending and critical even though I want to be if it is a big screw up. But I really do love teaching people something new and helping them if they want it. On the other hand, its what can make me very critical and cynical of others because I am critical of myself, because others were critical of me in the past. This is the part of me where my negative attitude comes out, negative self talk, criticalness, chronic complaining, etc cones out at times, and makes me feel like I can never win no matter what I do. I don't like it when people cost me my time, peace, efficiency, and well being because of disregard, inconsideration, or lack of competence. I am like this because of my upbringing. I love my family and their minds and hearts, but never cared for their lifestyles because as I got older I realized how not normal and dysfunctional they were/are, progressively got worse, and refused to change. They are extremely co-dependant with the exception of one. (Myself included.)This all comes down to lack of coping mechanisms, a father that was tough, emotionally abusive, but still loved all of us by his actions, but never his words. He did the best he could with what he knew because he grew up with dysfunction as well. A part of me misses him a lot since he is gone 7 years now, and sometimes I realize now what he sacrificed for his kids and what he accomplished even though he didn't always do things right, act right, etc. That part of him is a part of me that doesn't take any \$hit, is critical, cocky confident, not tactful or soft on language. On the other hand my mothers side of me is more philosophical, empathetic, understanding, kind, patient, and affectionate.

But I do sometimes feel like I have to always suffer consequences either from not being prepared enough, not fulfilling others expectations, etc. Councelors have had to chronically remind me that. "I cannot win FOR TODAY" But I can for tomorrow. All of the stress, the work, the constant keeping tabs on things, fixing things, and everyone, the timing of everything is what drives my anxiety at times. It makes me temporarily feel like life is not worth living because it is that difficult to change how I perceive things. SOMETIMES. Past therapy has help a little with this and the frustration and the skewed thinking with this, and temperament tolerance, coping skills, and ADD cognitive behavioral rehabilitation but very little. I need to go back though. Its a lack of executive management skills mixed with mild ADD. I am this way because of who I am, and because of my upbringing. I feel that there is little joy, fun, adventure, exploration, experiences in new places with new people, maybe a little bit of FOMO at times due to this. It makes me feel like a slave to my thoughts and my responsibilites, and the stresses of life sometimes. So I am like. Is it really worth living and am I really living if I always have an imperative to to be a slave to respibsbilities of fixing things that are out of order or always break, never getting to enjoy life. It makes me want to give up sometimes. Its not that I want to die. But I want to live more with purpose, good executive management, good relationship skills, good confidence, and with joy. I just can never figure out how. Its like my life is my to do list. I get jealous of people sometimes. Especially ex GF's XW's etc when I see them making changes I asked them to make for me/for us, that directly affected me, the R, my boundaries and my time. But they had no problem making all these changes for themselves after they were done with me. Especially because I know those changes are not only for themselves, but either for
another OM or future OM to attract. I know that I brought some dysfunction to things in all my R's and I want to take accountability for all of that. But behaviors, habits and petsonna run deep with me.

Sorry to blow up you re thread about myself. I just thought I could relate to you with this. I have days too where I call them GFYS days. Lol.. Where everything goes sideways, my attitude [censored], I want to give up temporarily and just have someone else do it for me, and I let my co workers know in a kidding fashion and they laugh at it, and eventually I get back up on the horse and take charge. I feel its healthy for a good GFYS, F everyone, F the world, and F my life, IDGAF every now and again. It purges the frustration and negativity for me, as long as I don't hurt anyone physically or emotionally and am considerate. But some people can't tolerate it/live with it/understand it, etc. and some can. I'm sure if I was someone else and I saw my self in certain states, I would run from me too. It's not right, its not wrong, it just is. Some people can get it and some can't. Can you relate?
Re: Not willing to quit - 11/30/19 05:13 PM
IHCLACS, I don't know if Turbine can relate, but I can!
Re: Not willing to quit - 12/02/19 01:43 AM
IHCLACS, no way to show improvements or to make changes. Yeah sounds like me too.

So I was at the house this morning. She was so very reluctant to let me in much less go though stuff at the house. Wasn't the smoothest of interactions today.

I am so frustrated by the her words vs her actions. She is adamant about the D. She seems adamant about me being some sort of monster that can't change.

She is so very awesome and such a huge part of my life. I would so very much like her to remain in my life... as my wife. Let go... still having a hard time with that. I was so put off by this morning. Yet by late afternoon I was right back where I had been before the stop at the house. Wanting her, missing her.

Church meeting this morning for married couples. Our minister is encouraging me to attend. Along with other church functions. One of the activities within the couples group is a raffle. Usually candy or some minor thing. Being a primarily Filipino church there are bottle of soy sauce and vinegar (wine bottle size... so 20 oz or slightly more). Last drawing is a nice gift. This one was a facial. Yes, I had the winning ticket. Not everyone knows about the filed D. So a few jokes about my using it. Suggestions to give my wife. A few ladies volunteered to accept it for me. So I still have it. I doubt my wife would accept it from me. So do I give it to my younger daughter? My daughter in law? Sister in law or my niece? The minister to give his wife?

I would like to give it to my wife. I would like to have a chance to rebuild a life with her. So I am stuck like a scratched record on a old turntable. Repeating the same line ad nauseam. It seems I value her more than she values me, I understand I didn't encourage that feeling towards her. I have it. I want to hold her hand. Hear her laugh and sing. Smell her cooking whatever... okay maybe not the dried fish.

This just feels so wrong. I might have said this before. When my parents died, the lawyer suggested the two of us move into their place to down size. When it was suggested the house was a mess. Filled with stuff,needing paint and the floors refinished or carpet replaced. W said no. After the painting was done, the floors refinished and the house staged with all the stuff removed, the house was listed. She changed her mind.

Can I see that happening. Maybe. Lots of divorcees regret the divorce later. Again... maybe, I would like to skip that step though.

I am tired of being a "nice guy". I want to be a good man. Her man.
Re: Not willing to quit - 12/04/19 03:58 AM
Bible study tonight. Got an email from the realtor saying there is a showing tomorrow.Welcome to a hoarders house. Yeah, my mood went back into a tailspin. Hearing from the Lawyer didn't help either. If this were an hand of cards I couldn't play anything.

Yeah, yeah... I control myself. Well all of the input is garbage so...

Very negative tonight so I am going to bed. I expect that to be a short period of time and marginally helpful.
Re: Not willing to quit - 12/04/19 09:32 AM
Been awake for a hour. Sleep didn't help because I was still frustrated and angry. A little better now. Hymns playing in my head. Talking through the reasons not to fight for us anymore. Which is basically a list of the negative actions and unloving things she has been doing.

She wants the D and the house sold. Let me in to clean and sort then. No, instead she threatens to call the police and stonewall getting that done unless I do it her way. Whole summer and almost the whole fall has been wasted because of this.

I have little to any respect for the legal system here in this state and county. I live near but not in the cesspool of the mid-west. Our governors don't retire, they get sent to prison.

Yes I am still angry, frustrated and tired of this. Tired of being told what to do, when, and how. Frustrated because the one person who matters most won't compromise enough to get the house dealt with. Never mind compromise about anything else. Angry because it seems I am being ignored by those who actually have impact on this, judge, lawyer, W.

No, not posting to bump my thread. Writing to try to clear my head.
Re: Not willing to quit - 12/04/19 10:03 AM
Hey T

I’m not real familiar with your sitch so just chiming in to support you as it sounds like you’re doing it tough right now. Isn’t waking up in the middle of the night with churning thoughts just the worst.

If you haven’t got it I’ll suggest insight timer. Has some excellent sleep guided meditation.

Good luck buddy

Cheers DS
Re: Not willing to quit - 12/04/19 12:08 PM
Have that so much it is a way of life for me. I don't remember how long I have been like this... years for certain... maybe more than 10... maybe higher than that.
Re: Not willing to quit - 12/04/19 03:24 PM
I think for guys like you and me who usually have arranged things the way they like them in the areas important to them have a very hard time handling areas that are important to them over which they have no control. I think it's like fear of flying. Driving to the airport, people have the illusion that they are in control... (they control the car's direction, speed, turns, whatever, making them FEEL like they are in control, but they have absolutely no control over the guy next to them, or the tire blowing out, or the guy going the opposite direction sneezing and swerving into them.....), but when people are in their coach seat, and the weather turns rough, they KNOW they have no control and that freaks people out.

I suspect that's part of what's going on with you. That doesn't make it any better, but you have very little control over it, and you might as well accept it. Maybe that's bad advice. I don't know.....
Re: Not willing to quit - 04/15/20 03:44 PM
Hello everyone. I haven't given in to the dark and broken down any walls. Very infrequent now.

Lots of different things going on. For one I hope everyone is surviving this pandemic.

Working full time as a general machinist. Skills are not as rusty and growing.
Getting to use my VA benefits. So I have new glasses. Due to a reoccurring vision issue I have had a MRI and am scheduled for a neck and heart ultrasound. Still looking for the cause.

Got a sleep study done through the VA and I need a CPAP.

Last night brush with chills and fever. Talking to the VA. Feeling much better this morning but not going to work for a few days. Yes, I work in a company that is "essential".

Fired my first lawyer. New lawyer and court dates are unknown for a bit.

House is listed but a mess. W says come with a truck. Still with little advance warning and on Saturday afternoon. We are talking. Still she says "No" and then "Maybe". Working on staying calm and not getting upset.

I'm not sure how well I am at being detached. I know I still love her. Still want the honest chance to try again. We'll see.

I'm sure there is more that I should be putting down but there is still so much trying to sort out.
Re: Not willing to quit - 04/15/20 04:15 PM
Glad to hear from you T.

Keep giving her that space.

Take care of yourself and your family.

Stay strong there. Keep DB
Re: Not willing to quit - 04/16/20 02:48 PM
Not sure what I got as a bug. Thera Flu seems to\be helping. Won Ton soup... not a chicken soup guy.

My kids know I am dealing with whatever this is. W... haven't offered, she hasn't asked. I ought to perhaps but I was at the house well over a week ago.

Time alone is when the crap creeps in. Makes me want to go dark. No, encourages, entices me. Been reading my Bible and turning my thoughts to God.

I'm not the same anymore but a long way from the end still.

Stay focused right.
Re: Not willing to quit - 04/21/20 01:47 PM
Pretty much symptom free. Company had fumigation bombed the building Friday and is having everyone wait until Thursday to return to work. Then three 12 hour shifts. Rough but working is a good thing.

Really want to work this out with her. Wanting to rush it. Except I can't. Not if I want to get the R.

So, read my Bible and pray. Work on me physically (gym would be better but...) mentally (trying to learn more Tagalog), emotionally by reading my Bible. which will also help spiritually.

Yesterday I treated myself to a burger from 5 Guys. Single bacon burger with mushroom, onion, tomato, pickles and A-1. Followed by a Turtle sundae made with the flavor of the day, Toasted Coconut.
Re: Not willing to quit - 04/21/20 02:53 PM
Hey Turbine,

I've been reading your updates. It seems like you're focusing on the things you can control and that is helping you. Give her that time and space and we'll see where it all goes.

Can you do any calisthenics at home? Extra cardio or stretching to fill in the workout holes? 5 Guys is pretty good too always nice to have a special meal.
Re: Not willing to quit - 04/22/20 11:56 AM
I am definitely not happy with the court system, lawyers, the judge and how the laws are written. Not vengeful if that is what you are thinking. Something many of us here can probably relate to. I doubt that I could serve on a jury and be impartial.
Part of why I fired my first lawyer was her attitude toward getting me back into our house. Get a dumpster for the items didn't endear her to me either. It doesn't help that how I view all the divorce lawyers, judges and courts as not exactly a shinning example of good. Should everyone be forced to remain married. No... should the government be able to force you to not be married? No.
There are lots of women out there. I'm still comparing them to me asawa, my Mahal.
Still building my vocabulary in Tagalog. My grammar still has a long way to go. I still don't "think" in Tagalog. Thinking in a language is a sign of fluidity and progress in learning. I so want that kind of a breakthrough. I don't know why. Chasing her?
I know that I had a big part in creating this mess. I still am trying to fix it. I need to step back a little. Work on me and trust God.
Take sensible precautions because a risk free life isn't a life.
Re: Not willing to quit - 04/23/20 01:02 AM
Wife called about a password for the Admin account on her computer. Must have been right because she didn't call me back. She wanted to install MacAffee on her computer. I offered Kaspersky since I had room for more devices. She declined and I didn't push it. Hurts a little still.

Took a nap and dreamed about her. Nothing intimate or harmful. Just interacting and being a couple. Not the first time. Probably won't be the last either. Not sure whether to cheer or cry. Definitely not let go...

Working on the patience part, not getting angry or rattled.

What a mess...
Re: Not willing to quit - 04/23/20 11:35 AM
Hey Turbine. Glad you are still posting updates and it sounds like you are doing ok all things considered.

Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. That people care.
Re: Not willing to quit - 04/25/20 10:51 PM
Thanks. Some days are tougher because waiting isn't a strong suit.

She texted yesterday about the census and the stimulus check. Haven't answered either one. I've been counted and no idea about the check. Not sure she deserves an answer.

God, I need some help.
Re: Not willing to quit - 04/28/20 11:05 AM
Finally answered the text she sent. Kept it short and on topic.

Really tired of the games. Not sure some days it is worth it. Not sure what I will do if we do end up divorced.

The company I work for was recently bought by a larger corporation. Not sure how transferable things are but they do have an operation in Texas. I'm not happy with Illinois politically. Haven't been for a long time. Two of the kids are here and the two grandsons. So that would be a huge change. Not to mention moving farther from the other kid and grandkids.

Sometimes I want to just ask her what she is doing...

I've been watching a few new (to me ) series. Bull and The Rookie.
Re: Not willing to quit - 05/03/20 06:12 PM
Okay, spent several hours yesterday and more today at home. Going through paperwork, clothes that don't fit, etc.
No fights, angry words or anything. Maybe one glaring error.
She was looking for something, shoes I believe. I offered to help. She said she was good. I said, no, you're great. Got a harsh stop it.
Had a house showing yesterday too. Not looking like hoarders lite.

Dozed off this morning. Dreamed we were sitting together, eating shrimp cocktail. Ended with a hug and a kiss. Then I woke up.

Read somewhere that if you really love someone, you can't stay mad at them for like more than 72 hours. Don't know if that is true. I do know that I am not mad/angry with her.

I hope we have a calm day. That I show only positives and nurture doubt about continuing with the D.
Re: Not willing to quit - 05/03/20 07:09 PM
Originally Posted by Turbine

Read somewhere that if you really love someone, you can't stay mad at them for like more than 72 hours. Don't know if that is true. I do know that I am not mad/angry with her.

I'm not mad at my H at all... disappointed but definitely not angry. Oh well, it is what it is.
Re: Not willing to quit - 05/04/20 12:50 AM
Was a good afternoon. I had to wait for her to get home. Wasn't upset with her time of arrival. Went through more clothes today, paperwork and we both worked on the back yard.

W was working on stuff in the living room. Teased me about the dolls she has. Said I should adopt them. I replied they aren't very good tax breaks. She was smiling through all of that. Even laughed. She was singing too. I miss that. I pray she can understand how I see her. Yes she isn't perfect. I'm not either. I still think we are better together. Maybe today encouraged that. IDK. Offered supper as take out. Declined. Stayed calm and like it wasn't the end of the world that she said no.

When I left she was saying next weekend unless it rained. I said in reply there is a lot to do inside still. When I said bye she replied. She agreed that today was a good day.

We shall see.
Re: Not willing to quit - 05/11/20 12:31 AM
This weekend was the opposite of last weekend. She was mad I stopped by to get something, ten minutes or less. Yeah, I didn't call. She doesn't let me know when. I don't ask either.

Anyway, she was having trouble installing some software. I tried helping. Some point after trying, and everything being pleasant, it went off the rails. Police report.

Really hating myself now. Not interested in eating supper now.

Saw during the attempt to get the software installed that she is on a dating site. Why should I try? I mean at all... Except then I would not have any trust in God. So this crisis on top of today...

I thought about doing that... Haven't.. I don't want that or anyone else. I wish she understood that. I wish I understood how much she feels hurt. At this point in time... I feel... that I am a burden and contribute nothing to anything now.

Yeah, venting... Trying to get sorted out in a healthy way.
Re: Not willing to quit - 05/11/20 04:31 AM
I'm still replaying this afternoon. I really don't care if I eat. Wake up. Go to work. Yes, in all this I have an essential job. Nothing as prominent as Nurse or Doctor.

Having a really hard time getting to sleep.

Definitely not loving myself. Not feeling too charitable towards the judge and two lawyers in particular.

I still don't know how to let her go.

So... with that mindset and what everyone has said... She won't be back. I see no reason to keep going. Not family, friends...
Re: Not willing to quit - 05/11/20 09:04 AM
Okay, looks like 3.5 hours of sleep.
Re: Not willing to quit - 05/11/20 01:34 PM
Morning Turbine!

You are going along a very difficult road - trying to hang on to a wild squirrel no matter how cute is guaranteed to get you bit.

Hopefully the police report won't cause any additional problems.
Re: Not willing to quit - 05/11/20 02:40 PM

We were arguing. Both raising voices.

She told me to go home.

I said this is my home.

I'm not even sure what kicked it off. Maybe the fence needing replacement. The police asked me. I told them I really didn't know how it went off the rails.

She drags every mistake up, real or just perceived, yet she was only the victim.
Re: Not willing to quit - 05/12/20 09:04 AM
Insomnia...

Picked up a rotisserie chicken and nuked a vegetable medley for supper. Ray and I had no leftovers. I'm glad I picked up the chicken. For a guy in his eighties, he is a very good friend.

Still depressed. Stepped back again from that wall. Stared at it a lot the past 24 hours. Not having any supper the night before didn't help. Yeah, by choice. I really didn't care. To be honest, I still don't...

She brought up asking me to return to Church after my Dad had passed. That I refused. I probably did. So she's mad it took this? But she quit. I'm still working on it. I don't know...

We have our services online. Hymns, sermon, prayers just like attending in person. Not exactly the same yet better than nothing.
Re: Not willing to quit - 05/16/20 07:48 PM
Worked on the house a little bit. Mostly junk in the backyard. She's super skittish. Hurts. Not showing it though. I hope. I am not sure I could survive a D. Maybe, I don't want to. Spitballing right now.

I know this isn't what I expected. Not what I want.

Too little, too late... I know... the effort is for me and not her.

Doesn't seem worth it if its not with her.

Yeah, this mindset is counter productive. Still have not figured out how to shut it off.
Re: Not willing to quit - 05/17/20 02:58 AM
Originally Posted by Turbine

Yeah, this mindset is counter productive. Still have not figured out how to shut it off.

That is perhaps the hardest part in these sitchs, battling our own mindsets. No one in my family has divorced less a distant cousin on my father's side. I grew up thinking divorce isnt even part of most peoples vocabulary. Naive on my end.

It sounds like you're having a tough time. Keep pushing on for your children and grandchildren. They need someone to look up to.
Re: Not willing to quit - 05/17/20 01:29 PM
Mom's brother-D
Mom's sister -D
My sister -D
Mom's sister's daughter and adopted Daughter -D and D (x2)
My daughters - both D

Mom and Dad married 52 years. Mom died because of cancer.
Mom's parents married about 40 plus. Grandpa died from cancer at age 63-or 64 from prostate cancer.

Cousins, Dad's brother, two of the four are D, maybe three. Don't keep in touch .

I want to beat those odds.

I can do the work. I pushed and finished my primary school in the Navy. Passing grade was 2.5/4.0. First grade period I was 2.49/4.0. Was given a chance and finished with 2.81/4.0. Improvement and catching up.

I would like a honest chance. She's unwilling to.
Re: Not willing to quit - 05/17/20 01:39 PM
Yup --- and asking and hanging around won't make her suddenly want to either.

All you can do is work on yourself and become the better option than what she is going towards. Its painful to continue to see them pull away - gosh that hurts.

You keep doing you and setting some awesome goals for yourself is tremendous progress.

Seriously, the more to start to NOT care about where she is at... the more she WILL start to get curious about what it is you're doing.

Stop focusing on family history and starting focusing on yourself.
Re: Not willing to quit - 05/18/20 01:05 PM
Originally Posted by Turbine
Mom's brother-D
Mom's sister -D
My sister -D
Mom's sister's daughter and adopted Daughter -D and D (x2)
My daughters - both D

Mom and Dad married 52 years. Mom died because of cancer.
Mom's parents married about 40 plus. Grandpa died from cancer at age 63-or 64 from prostate cancer.

Cousins, Dad's brother, two of the four are D, maybe three. Don't keep in touch .

I want to beat those odds.

I can do the work. I pushed and finished my primary school in the Navy. Passing grade was 2.5/4.0. First grade period I was 2.49/4.0. Was given a chance and finished with 2.81/4.0. Improvement and catching up.

I would like a honest chance. She's unwilling to.

Unfortunately, it takes two to make a marriage. It only takes one to get a D. So to D or not to D isn't always up to us. How we learn and grow from it is up to us.

KEEP GROWING!
Re: Not willing to quit - 05/27/20 12:00 AM
Trying to do the work on me.

No time at home over Memorial Day weekend. Disappointing yes.
Visited my parents and maternal grandparents. Grandpa served in Pacific in the Navy during WWII. Paid respects to a few other veterans buried near them.
Spent the rest of the day with the two kids and grandsons. Grilled and had a good time.

I hope all of you are doing well in this crazy Covid focused world.
Re: Not willing to quit - 05/27/20 03:08 AM
Originally Posted by Turbine

Spent the rest of the day with the two kids and grandsons. Grilled and had a good time.

I hope all of you are doing well in this crazy Covid focused world.

Glad you made some memories with the kids and grandkids, and stayed busy.

I tell you, this covid crisis isnt too much different for some introverts in a non medical profession. Its normal in a way. Hopefully the numbers showing positive signs of reopening things continue and people stay smart.
Re: Not willing to quit - 05/29/20 12:02 AM
Today the parts I worked on allowed too much time in my head. Never good. I needed to put down the shovel. So I picked up a spoon and had the Espresso Chip frozen custard (double scoop).

Lathe is out of alignment. I get tapered parts. Wider the further from the head stock. About a .001 per inch from the head. The lathe should hold better than that. Boss knows. Just have to get time to correct it. One of the parts I was working on had a tolerance of 0.0005 in three inches. This must be measured with a 0-1 inch micrometer that will measure ten thousandths of an inch. I have such a micrometer (Thanks Dad. I have his tools) The other guys in the machine shop do as well but the receiving guys... eh... not so much. Yeah... if they wanted to try for an ISO 9000 qualification there would be a huge amount of work needed first.

To be honest everyone. I'm still scared about a future without her. I don't know how I will react if the judge grants this. I'm pretty sure I was (still am?) depressed about my parents. Loosing her this way is magnitudes worse. Like logarithmic scale worse. Yeah... not helpful, counter productive.
Re: Not willing to quit - 05/29/20 03:05 AM
Turbine, how long has it been since you"had" her? It's been quite a while.

The future without her is already here. A judge granting it is just the government recognizing what's already been done. And you have no control over any of that. But you do over how you react to it. Fear is a motivator to do the wrong things. Drop fear and start looking forward to productive things you can do!
Re: Not willing to quit - 05/29/20 11:14 AM
Not feeling terribly productive.
Re: Not willing to quit - 05/29/20 11:22 AM
Originally Posted by Turbine
Not feeling terribly productive.

The forget judges, your STBXW, your sitch, everything else. And fix that! Perfect opportunity to focus on becoming productive.
Re: Not willing to quit - 06/11/20 02:11 AM
Hi all,

Had a test to make sure the blood vessels in my neck aren't contributing to my intermittent vision problem. Results expected tomorrow. The nurse/tech didn't have a gurney waiting to rush me to surgery so there is that.

Spent the night before the test at my kids. Because they are much closer to the VA hospital and they offered. Watched the Jumanji movie with "The Rock". Nice installment, had a "Breakfast Club" feel to it.

Was in the house for about twenty minutes on Monday. BIL let me in before he had to leave for work. Sorted a little bit of mail and saw the gas bill has a substantial balance on it. My name, not been home, court order says she is responsible. She's been asking for help but won't cooperate with letting me know when I could be there or even to be home to reside there.

Bringing this up because I will have to move out of friend's place. Likely near the two kids. Maybe the floor above them or a few blocks away. Both have pros and cons. I'll need to have utilities so...
I suspect I will end up having the service shut off, get the final bill and pay it. Current internal debate is tell her before or after... or even at all. Don't want to be a jerk about it. Still have lots of stuff at home.

Court is in limbo here (closed) and next Wednesday there is a conference call between the judge and both lawyers. Happens to be on my birthday... I suppose it will be rough if I let it be...

Yeah... still wanting to R with her. Not as much but definitely not interested in a replacement. Just want her. Not sure how messed up that is... or even if that is normal.

I've been using a CPAP for about a week. First time I used it was at the kids. Daughter said I didn't snore and usually am very loud. She was worried and had to check that I was breathing. Does take a little getting used to. Exhaling against the pressure more than the mask.

Still have days where I tailspin and stuff gets dark. Not as often and fighting it off better. By that I mean it takes less time to get out of the tail spin. Sometimes it takes a frozen custard... sometimes its something a little less fattening. I miss going to the gym.

Praying for all of you. Comment or not but input is always welcome. Oh... Key Lime Pie frozen custard on the 23rd... you know I will. If you were close enough I'd invite ya and we could run them out. Oh yeah... that good.
Re: Not willing to quit - 06/11/20 08:01 AM
Newbie here and glad to be a part of this forum. Looking forward to meeting you all.
Re: Not willing to quit - 06/11/20 11:39 AM

Re: Not willing to quit - 06/11/20 01:14 PM
Hey Turbine - Hope that your tests all come out clear.

Originally Posted by Turbine
Yeah... still wanting to R with her. Not as much but definitely not interested in a replacement. Just want her. Not sure how messed up that is... or even if that is normal.
That's very healthy and completely normal for someone who has gone through what we have. And you'll never replace her. Maybe on some distant date someone may come in to your life but that will be new and not a replacement.

It's normal to do that little kid's wish "please make it not have happened" and to want what you had as your normal.

Take as much time as you need to process through this so that no matter what your path, you come out of this stronger and more whole than you are now.

You are not the man you were when you met your W on deployment. You have grown, matured and are in a different place in your life. I look at it for me as a new path in my journey. If you do have someone to walk beside you, it needs to be the person for today's and tomorrow's Turbine, not yesterday's.

Originally Posted by Turbine
I've been using a CPAP for about a week. First time I used it was at the kids. Daughter said I didn't snore and usually am very loud. She was worried and had to check that I was breathing. Does take a little getting used to. Exhaling against the pressure more than the mask.
I've been using a CPAP for many years. I consider it to literally be a life-saver. You'll find that you had no concept of how tired you have been all the time for so very long once you get caught up on some "good" sleep and those fatigue poisons that have been accumulating in your body get all washed out.

Making sure you use it and are comfortable with it is the biggest challenge. But like a catalytic converter on a car (I have crappy analogies) your engine will run more smoothly with it than without it.

As a funny-to-me aside, my ex-wife used to joke that she would know exactly when the power would go out in our rural area because my machine would stop working and I'd start snoring loudly again.
Re: Not willing to quit - 06/12/20 10:47 AM
Originally Posted by job

Thank you so much.
Re: Not willing to quit - 06/15/20 10:57 AM
Spent the weekend with the two kids closest to me (geographically) looking at a few apartments. Got another one tonight. We grilled too.

The R looks unlikely atm. Yet while I may be putting one foot in front of the other, I am doing so with little enthusiasm.
Re: Not willing to quit - 06/15/20 11:36 AM
Originally Posted by Turbine

The R looks unlikely atm. Yet while I may be putting one foot in front of the other, I am doing so with little enthusiasm.

You certainly are much more patient than I would be.

Turbine, how do you think it looks to your WAW that you are still trying for R?
Re: Not willing to quit - 06/21/20 10:13 PM
Steve 85, I needed to take some time to come up with my response. I'd imagine it looks needy. Going with my coach's advice I'm going dark with her. Avoiding communications.

Had some conference call between the lawyers and the judge. Haven't heard from my L yet. Not feeling any trust with this one either.

My kids are firmly in the camp of I can do better. Talking with my son last night after game night he said he and his siblings don't recall their mother saying she loved me very often.

I'll admit that things got really stressful when my Mom died. Getting Dad to his dialyses three times a week. My sister and all her drama. Getting worse when Dad died. My sister still is a real pain and a distraction from what I want to focus on. Which at this point might be too late. I'm still praying for US.

I've been approved for the apartment above the child day care. Met Randy's GF. The two of them are going to be my roommates. Both are a little younger than my son. There is a grocery store right across the street and a frozen custard shop two blocks away. This place is about 4 or 5 blocks from my kids. So walking distance in nice weather.

To all the Dads here. Happy Father's Day.

Yes, not a terribly connected post. Then again not many of mine are.
Re: Not willing to quit - 06/23/20 12:41 AM
Got an email from the mortgage company about extending the forbearance. So while the court put her in the house and gave her responsibility she hasn't been paying the bills. From what I've read this seems typical. If I inform my L, is it something I should expect action on or more likely to be blown off? There was a status meeting and I have no idea what has changed. Shakespeare was wrong about Romeo and Juliet and right about lawyers...
Re: Not willing to quit - 06/29/20 03:12 AM
*from my phone*
Well... the next step has occurred. Sort of feel pushed into it. Storage locker almost empty. Moved stuff to the apartment. Last night at Ray's.

S is 23 tomorrow.

I have heard from my L. W and her L are ignoring requested information. Court by Zoom sometime after July 8. So another anniversary... Shouldn't bother me yet...

Oldest grandson told me a Dad joke.

When does a Dad joke become a Grandpa joke? When it's old.
Kid thinks, that's for certain.

Getting these thoughts out and written helped lift my spirits.

God bless you all.
Re: Not willing to quit - 07/01/20 01:18 AM
Work today was alright. Got a few parts done. The rework though... Ughh.

One load tomorrow and done with the storage unit... for now. Depending on what I have to deal with and when.

Commute is in the learning stage again. When the gym opens up I will be happy. Running a lathe is keeping my shoulders going. Need some good lat work to stretch my back.

No idea if W wished our S happy birthday. Yeah, not mine to worry about. I sent him a very heartfelt message. Wished him in person too. Ordered sushi from Sushi S******. My oldest was here for one of his birthdays and was going to take him out where he wanted and promptly picked Sushi S******. So now its an inside joke.

Good memories. One of many.
Re: Not willing to quit - 07/05/20 11:20 PM
Today is 33 years. Spending time with younger two kids. Not the best day. Not the worst...
Re: Not willing to quit - 07/06/20 01:10 PM
Originally Posted by Turbine
Today is 33 years. Spending time with younger two kids. Not the best day. Not the worst...

T.....one of my favorite quotes is: "Life is 10% what happens to us. And i90% how we react to it." You have a chance here to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and react in a way that will move you forward.

What I see is a T that is stuck. In an imperfect world where our S can be removed from our lives for a multitude of reasons (accident, disease, or divorce), you have to remember that the stuff in the parens are the 10%. You get to choose the 90%. And what I see T choosing to do is to be stuck in believing that his ex-W will suddenly have a miraculous awakening, and decide that for nearly 2 years she has been wrong.

T, I have to say what I see. And what I see is a guy that has been posting on this forum for nearly 2 years, and hasn't moved forwarded in all that time.
Re: Not willing to quit - 07/06/20 05:17 PM
How? How do I move forward. I absolutely loathe , despise and hate that phrase.

I keep hearing what to do. Then whatever I have done is wrong or not right or not enough.

I talked about a wall before. It feels like going through that wall wouldn't matter. Yeah, I should have a life not centered on "US". Why even have marriage then.

I don't want anyone else. I don't want to try. Dating was crappy as a teen. With this PC and "woke crap" I don't see it as any better.
Re: Not willing to quit - 07/06/20 05:56 PM
Originally Posted by Turbine
How? How do I move forward. I absolutely loathe , despise and hate that phrase.

I keep hearing what to do. Then whatever I have done is wrong or not right or not enough.

I talked about a wall before. It feels like going through that wall wouldn't matter. Yeah, I should have a life not centered on "US". Why even have marriage then.

I don't want anyone else. I don't want to try. Dating was crappy as a teen. With this PC and "woke crap" I don't see it as any better.

Moving forward is NOT dating again. It is living your life, and being awesome at it, even after your WAS D's you. Are you in IC? Are you chasing your dreams? Are you bettering yourself? Are you living the best life that you can live?

Or are you going to sit and feel sorry for yourself every time a key date rolls around? That is what I mean by stuck. ANd what I mean by needing to move forward.

I am one of the people, and can tell you, that if my W and I had D'd, I would be done with marriage. I may date casually here and there, but it certainly would NOT have been the focus of my life moving forward.
Re: Not willing to quit - 07/08/20 12:25 PM
Wife telling me what to do about items at home. Get it or she tosses it. Who changed the locks and doesn't share times I could come by.

Woke up early and angry with nearly everything and everyone. Yes I have my share of the blame. Feels like I'm bleeding out resource wise.

Really wondering why I should keep trying or keep going.
Re: Not willing to quit - 07/08/20 12:40 PM
Originally Posted by Turbine
Really wondering why I should keep trying or keep going.

For yourself and D16 Turbine. Set the example, and lead the way.
Re: Not willing to quit - 07/08/20 12:53 PM
Originally Posted by Turbine

Woke up early and angry with nearly everything and everyone. Yes I have my share of the blame. Feels like I'm bleeding out resource wise.

Really wondering why I should keep trying or keep going.

I do not like the sound of this. This sounds very dark, and like you are considering the unthinkable. I hope I am just reading it wrong but please please please, for yourself, for your kids sake, please get into IC. Stat. This is an emergency situation and you need to find real help, real fast.
Re: Not willing to quit - 07/08/20 03:04 PM
Originally Posted by Turbine
How? How do I move forward. I absolutely loathe , despise and hate that phrase.

I keep hearing what to do. Then whatever I have done is wrong or not right or not enough.

I talked about a wall before. It feels like going through that wall wouldn't matter. Yeah, I should have a life not centered on "US". Why even have marriage then.

I don't want anyone else. I don't want to try. Dating was crappy as a teen. With this PC and "woke crap" I don't see it as any better.

How do you move forward? You know how. You only despise it because it doesn't guarantee you life with your W in it. But that's not guaranteed anyways.

You don't have a marriage now for all practical purposes. Plenty of women that are not PC and woke for you out there.

You still are very attached to her and an outcome that isn't in your control. Detach my man!
Re: Not willing to quit - 07/09/20 02:26 AM
Anger out of frustration. You're right. It did read as very dark. Yes I am still strongly attached to her, life with her.

My BiL let me in this afternoon. The house had a showing about a hour before I was there. So not sure the ladies golf clubs are hers or for staging. I had a set of clubs. Sold them. So yes, frustrating. Not very detached either.

I get parts to rework because of a number of things. New parts with tolerances an old worn out lathe really doesn't hold. An EE who is manager and does little to team build.

New mattress arrives Saturday. So I should be sleeping in the apartment that night.

Very little of this is what I want or expected.

Not sure if this is a chin up or tuck in and raise my fists for the next round. Keep the bob and weave going. Out of the corner of my eye I can see that towel raised.

How's that metaphor?

Maybe I should try my hand at writing.
Re: Not willing to quit - 07/15/20 12:30 PM