I don't like rollercoasters - DivorceBusting.com

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New to this. I'll sum up my story later. I just tried and it timed out on me. Grrrr...

Married 28 years, 3 teenagers. Husband moved out 4 months ago citing my mental illness as his reason. I understand fully why he left. I haven't been a good wife. When he walked out he told me I couldn't take care of the kids, thought I'd fall apart and this would validate his decision. Thought the kids would support him. What he didn't count on is the day after he left I called my dr and requested an AD to go with my mood stabilizer. I knew I was mildly depressed but I knew this was going to push me over the edge. Much to my surprise in a few days (I'm sensitive to meds) I felt NORMAL. This is a huge deal for me because I've never felt normal. I didn't fall apart nope I did a complete 180. Once the dust settled our house became happy. I was determined to make a happy home.

WAH isn't doing so well. The kids don't like him much. Our 17 year old has disowned him. He's living in a camper while I have the house/kids full time. He has not filed for D. Our house is a rental and the lease is Oct 31. He cannot get a permanent place until this house is gone.

He knows now that I'm going great and part of me thinks he's waiting to see if my changes stick. Or hes waiting for some other reason. He might plan to live like this for years. For now we wait.

In the beginning I wanted him back immediately. I realize now that if that were to happen he'd just end up leaving again. I'm not ready and he still hates me so there is that. I see this as an opportunity to grow into a better person. I'm doing good most of the time but as soon as I hear anything about him, get a text, anything I regress. I'm still in that place where I think I can't live without him and that is how I know I'm not ready. I have to learn to make myself happy and secure before I can even think about R if by some miracle I get another chance. Every day I get stronger and more independent. I'm proud of how far I've come. I titled this I don't like rollercoasters because I don't. I still buy into the illusion that I can control the outcome of my life. Much work still to do for myself, for my kids, for my next relationship or WAH if he changes his mind.

It�s been a rough weekend. He hates me. Hates me, moved out and hasn�t filed. Why hasn�t he filed if he hates me? Sure he�s lost a daughter for a while but she will get over it. Doesn�t he want to get rid of me? Ugh

I've been reading about pain vs suffering you know looking for some greater meaning in all of this. How people can honestly say that a year later their lives are better than before. How is this possible? There is a thing called post traumatic growth and something like 80% of all people end up better somehow than before. I think about the 5 stages of grief. I look back at those hundreds of self help books I've read over the last 20 years. I became obsessed with those books after my parents disowned me. I wanted to know why? A year later (common theme here) they wanted me back. What they didn't know is the same thing WAS's don't know. The window to reconcile isn't open forever. That particular window in my case closed after 7 months. After 7 months I no longer wanted them back...unless they did the work and proved they could be safe. That never happened and I never spoke to them again.

The first year was rough but it got easier. Today I started thinking about time. I've read hundreds of these stories and most LBS move on before the 18th month mark.

In 10 more months I'll be 15 months post BD. I started a new job and sold our house 11 months ago. We've moved twice since then. Our oldest graduated high school. These things seem like they happened an eternity ago and yet it was less than a year. The difference between pain and suffering is the story we tell ourselves. If I continue on the path of I can't make it on my own or I can't BE alone I'm suffering needlessly.

I can spend the next 10 months suffering or I can accept that WAH is gone. I probably won't be able to hang onto this epiphany for long so I'm typing it out so I can reread it later. Accepting that he is gone means I accept the pain without trying to make it go away. Accepting that he is gone means I no longer have to suffer because I know in less than a year I will be light years away from where I am now. I've been here before. I know this pain. This pain will pass. I can spend the next 10 months suffering (holding onto the rope) or in pain without suffering (dropping the rope). I can't avoid pain no but I can end the suffering.

I also now think that becoming a better person, GAL is just something to do. Something to focus on during that 14-18 months. Thinking it will bring him home also keeps my mind occupied. In terms of that next relationship for me that is also something that keeps me going. Statistically my odds of getting into another R is slim. I�m a middle aged woman with kids at home. I know women date again with kids but being a single parent takes up most of my free time. I also don�t want to introduce OM into the picture. Besides the odds of that R working out is low.

I'm in pain today. I got triggered TWICE this weekend. WAH sent me a text wanting to know what the balance is on my CC trying to see if he could pay it off. We owe very little in CC debt and he was supposed to pay all that off in the "rush to get D" month. I didn't know he hadn't until I found out it was 60 days late. At that point I changed the PW since that is the only CC in my name. I should have left it alone and just paid the bill. WAH has not changed any PW's since he left. I don't even know why this bothers me. I paid the bills for 30 years and I know he is struggling. He's terrible with money. He's gone from walking around with a wad of cash in his pocket (teens told me) buying whatever they wanted/needed to shopping at Aldi's and cutting back on his spending with them. I did an online budget for him in my attempts to "nice" him back but budgets aren't his thing either. He hasn't looked at it since May.

The next trigger was when WAH took S19 camping. I don't want WAH to have any fun. I'm sure he has plenty of fun I just hate hearing about it. I was crying Saturday night and my DD16, the one who isn't talking to him said "S19 hates camping. He's only going because WAH guilt tripped him into going". True. All 3 kids hate camping. He's living in the camper and they won't even visit him there. Twice in 4 months he's guilt tripped S19 to go over there. S19 came home Sunday afternoon only to tell me that WAH is already trying to schedule the next camping trip. Even before WAH left S19 only camped once a year anyway. Nothing has changed. S19 told WAH that he was starting college in the fall and would probably be too busy to camp aka he doesn't want to and doesn't want to hurt WAH's feelings.

It's difficult to get S19 out of the house period. He's asperger's. I don't even know why this bothers me. Ugh.

Our almost 17 year old is not speaking to him. How much information do i provide him about her? Just emergencies or more?

4.5 months out. Again this is my journal as my story hasn't unfolded yet. Aug 2nd I was in a really....really great mood. I then stupidly decided to address a couple of items. I gave him the password to my cc and explained why I'd changed it. The other email had to do with my car. He'd gotten angry with me for asking for his help on the car but later appeared to calm down and offered to fix it. I was getting this information from S19. WAH as part of our agreement was supposed to fix my car but I've since changed my mind. My car is my responsibility. I will add a line item for it in my budget and for now it will come out of child support. I sent an email thanking him for offering to help and for his financial support but that I would handle it. He didn't respond.

I did say in the email and I needed to learn how to drive S19's car (it's a manual) in case of an emergency. S19 has been telling me this all along but this is a process and I'm still learning. I know how to drive a stick I just haven't done it in 30 years so I'm out of practice. S19 had dinner with WAH and they discussed this. S19 came home and told me about it. WAH was civil to him and agreed that I needed to learn to drive the car. WAH never....ever....ever talks about me to the kids in any neutral way. The kids have learned if they don't want to get yelled at then my name is off limits. Period. He usually he hits back emotionally but this time he didn't. It's progress.

In an attempt to put him and our D16 back together I told him via text that she said he was too angry for her to talk to. He said he wasn't and I replied it was about me. He is ENRAGED (present tense at the time I told him this), if looks could kill I'd be dead a thousand times over by now and I'm her mother. He's taken his anger out on her and she didn't like that. She then sided with me because I'm not angry and i do not blame him for leaving. I've handled him leaving with grace. 90% of the time I don't say anything negative about him. I've since been following the if I have nothing good to say then say nothing at all.

Tuesdays are when S19 has dinner with WAH because that is the day my DBT group meets. This past Tuesday D13 also had an open house. I hate those things but I go every year. This year obviously everything has changed. D13 wanted him to go and I was good with that. I met S19 for lunch and he told me that dinner would be later than normal due to the open house (I already knew this of course). What was interesting is WAH told S19 that I do all the homework (yeah that's kinda how it works when you walk out) and that he should do the open house. D16 has been snarky about the fact that all he does is write checks. She called him a very very bad name. A name I don't like saying.

WAH pays the bills, pays me child support, mows the grass, etc but the rest is on me. Anyway that day I was struggling to get everything done. All 3 kids stepped up to help and I thanked them. It was then that D16 got angry said all he has to do is write a couple of checks. That he doesn't have to DO anything. Sure I've had to hold down the fort plenty of times when he traveled or work late but now he's permanently gone.

The positive in this is he did acknowledge that I'm doing all the homework. A month ago I got the vibe that he wanted me to suffer. He knew I'd handle it so the kids would be fine it's just me that pays the price. I'm good though. This has boosted my self esteem because I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was. The family he left behind is coping just fine thank you very much. Oh well his loss....

Originally Posted by kas99

The family he left behind is coping just fine thank you very much. Oh well his loss....

Glad things are going well. It's surprising your older kids don't realize the work behind his writing checks (CheckAmount divided by HourlyWage). It's maybe harder to observe than his mowing the lawn! Your changes seem to be sticking and you sound on-track to a wonderful future whatever your foolish WAH does.

Originally Posted by kas99

In the beginning I wanted him back immediately. I realize now that if that were to happen he'd just end up leaving again.

That's exactly the realization I've come to.

Originally Posted by kas99

Our almost 17 year old is not speaking to him. How much information do i provide him about her? Just emergencies or more?

I provide my ex-wife details when something major happens (school change, school or personal award) or when she requests it. I guess that's more than emergencies but less than everyday trivia. It's worked for us for many years. We're happy with the info exchange rate we have.

CWarrior I get sad at times but I'm managing it.

D16 knows he works hard for us and we are both grateful that he continues to support us in the same manner he did before he left. It was just that one stressful day that she complained.

WAH is having doubts but only because of the kids not me. I don't think he's decided if he hates me more than he misses them. As far as my changes this is the longest I've ever made it in terms of managing my mental illness. My record is about 3 months but it was HARD!!! I'm now on an anti depressant so yes my changes are sticking. The DBT class teaches me life skills, there is homework and I'm practicing.

4 months isn't long in the grand scheme of things. Every day I do things I'm proud of and I wonder how different my life will look in 6-8 months.

I've been struggling with finding that balance in terms of D16 since she isn't speaking to him. I've decided that unless it's an emergency there is no reason to communicate much else. She will be 17 soon which makes her almost an adult. If he wants a relationship with her he has two choices. Reconcile with me or wait until she's ready to forgive him. Therapists say most kids like her will be more accepting of the WAS when they get into their early 20's.

The past 2 days have been hard because my 28th wedding anniversary is Sunday. I'm beating myself up over how badly I screwed everything up. I picture his face full of hatred. I'm typing this as I'm having on of those moments that will pass. My mind is all over the place. Truth is I have a decent shot that he will try again. There isn't anyone else and I know him. I'd be divorced RIGHT NOW if he wasn't having doubts. We have no major assets, no debt, nothing to sell, kids are teens, this could have been done after the 60 day waiting period. I'm far from out of the woods though. He's on the fence and could go either way at this point.

His doubts are from the new meds. I don't see or talk to him but he knows I've changed. The million dollar question is can I make it stick??

Originally Posted by "kas99"

I'm beating myself up over how badly I screwed everything up.

You also remarkably took steps to become full again. For my ex-wife (years ago), my leaving AND taking primary custody of the kids wasn't the 'low' she needed to change. Congratz on winning back your kids.

This all started because he said I couldn't take care of the kids by myself. I just couldn't let him beat me. I'm an overachiever by nature and those are fighting words. lol

I�m half joking. It started as me proving a point but it has since morphed into I like who I am now. I cry happy tears when my kids tell me how proud they are of me.

This is the hardest most painful thing I�ve ever experienced. I lost my best friend and the love of my life. I pray I get another chance.

I'm full of crap btw. WAH told me what an awful, horrible person I was. His mercy was limited to the part where I am the mother of his kids. He contacted an attorney the very next day, moved out 4 days later, and proceeded to spend the next 28 days getting his ducks in a row. He was right about me so I didn't fight him. I came up with what I thought was a fair settlement and that angered him so I backed off. I told him as long as I wasn't destitute I would agree to whatever he thought was fair. I sent him my post divorce budget which he said was fair so he came back with an offer of $300 less a month than what I asked for but said it was negotiable. I offered to do a budget for him too since I paid the bills for 28 years. This all made him happy with me.

He ended up switching attorneys a month after he left. He paid the retainer and I mentally prepared to be served with papers. The next 2 weeks turned into "life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." He will be fine but I don't think he realized just how much "life" costs when paying for two households. It was also during these 2 weeks that D16 stopped talking to him (she hasn't spoken to him since).

Meanwhile I had gotten an emergency appt with my psych nurse who called me in an anti depressant/anti anxiety med. Now this is where I'm full of crap. Mental illness means I had little control over my thoughts and my behavior. The pop psychology of "just stop" shows the level of ignorance prevalent in our society. I could not stop no matter how hard I tried. I'm sensitive to meds so within 3 days the fog lifted and I was able to see/feel what I'd put WAH through. I got it. I understood it. This helped me cooperate fully with him and I focused on repairing my relationship with the kids. I also began to change my life as well.

So back to WAH....I heard from my kids that he was unhappy with the life that didn't line up with his plans. Now I'd asked him many times to reconcile stating that I was no longer depressed or full of anxiety. I got a flat out NO it was too late. Once I think he said the meds would be the ONLY reason he might...maybe...consider when hell froze over to reconcile. By the end of month two he still hadn't filed and he'd upgraded to he might....maybe consider reconciling down the road....someday. I didn't talk to him for two months after this conversation.

D16 was in the hospital and he overheard me say something bad about him. Yeah I'm medicated but I'm still human. For the record he was very angry before this happened so it's not like he was singing my praises either (the kids talk). Would he like to be the pot or the kettle today? Regardless I apologized, took complete ownership of what I'd done and promised to fix it. Since then my motto has been if I have nothing nice to say about him then say nothing at all (barring my support team). This turned out to be another level of me changing into a better person. I began to apologize for specific behaviors that I'd done during the D process and fixed them. I thanked him for giving me the opportunity for growth and change. I meant it then and I mean it now. Things like expecting him to fix my car. He agreed to it but I realized I needed this was on me. In all I apologized for about 2-3 things in ONE email. He never responded but based on what the kids say I think he's not as enraged as he was a month ago.

My point is that "change" isn't always possible without proper medication. I'm in a support group and we are all taking meds to aid in life altering "change". Our brains need to be calm enough to do the "work". Meds have changed me for the better. I'm no longer "faking it". It's real. It's easier. It's sticking.

I don't know if WAH will come back or not. I do believe he is having doubts based on new meds/my legit changing and our kids testimony. He will NOT come back for them. Ever. He's on the fence and for now has made the decision to not make a decision.

**writing because I'm at work and can't cry. I need to get in a better place before I go home**

If WAH were to ask what should he do 80% would tell him to run far far away from me. File. Don't pass go. Don't collect $200. Just file. They'd tell him I'm abusive, toxic and that I will never ever change. They'd tell him he deserves to be happy and there are plenty of women out there that would appreciate him more than I do.

He's not happy now. He might be happy later I don't know. He misses his kids. They are teenagers and him leaving put him in a time machine and fast forwarded his relationship with them from teenager/father to adult/father. He sees the two that are still speaking to him once a week for dinner not unlike how it will be when they move out.

S19 doesn't text or talk on the phone so there is very little communication between visits. That's just how he is and he acknowledges that he is the reason he doesn't see WAH much. He doesn't hate him or anything he's just a teenage boy. Me on the other hand live with him so I have dinner with him 6 nights a week. I get nightly chats 1-2 a week. He's also teaching me how to drive his car so that's another 3 hours I get with him.

If he divorces me we will both lose a kid. I'll be back later. It's 5pm

kas - I have not really been keeping up with your thread. Just a simple reaction:

"They'd tell him I'm abusive, toxic and that I will never ever change."

People are not abusive and toxic. People engage in abusive and toxic behaviors. I hope you understand the difference. It is the path to my own personal change.

I do understand the difference this is just what people say. I was sick. C-PTSD from childhood trauma. Until I got the right combination of meds I couldn't control my anger no matter how hard I tried.

WAH has a best friend who has been married 4 times. I imagine him filing his head with "she will never change".

S19 has dinner with WAH on Tuesdays (the day of my therapy group). S19 starts college Monday and now Tuesdays are not good for him. He said Thursday and Friday would work better based on his schedule but those are the days I cook his favorites. D16 was nearby and she nodded her head saying she does the same thing. She prefers to stay home on "salsa Fridays" vs hanging out with her friends. Saturdays are her friend night.

This. This is the person I am NOW.

Today is my 28th anniversary.

(((Kas))). Hopefully your 29th anniversary will find you happy and healthy...with or without your H. Sounds like you are working hard to get there. Happy anniversary. <3

I�m struggling today. I wish I had someone to talk to. A big part of me wants to give up. He�s not coming back so give in to the depression. Stop bettering myself and just go back to bed.

A teeny tiny part of me believes this is far from over and if I give up it will solidify his decision to D.

Someone please tell me not to give up. Please.

My IC asked me this questions: "Can you be open to reconciling without being hopeful?"

Is he going to want someone who stays in bed all day? Are you doing anything to become more attractive (to any potential partners)?

I'm sorry that you're having a tough day. You can move forward with your life without giving up on your H. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

I'm 90% sure he was going to file mid May until he looked at the post divorce budget I did for HIM.

I think he wanted to give kids more money until he realized it's not there to give. He said he'd love to stay in the camper full time but he'd need to talk a kid into living with him there. If I got a 3 bedroom a kid would have to share.

I'm in a 4 bedroom rental now while he's in the camper. This keeps the kids standard of living intact. This works until he gets sick of living in the camper. The kids won't visit him there so if he wants that he will have to get his own place.

Is this why I'm in limbo?

What makes you think if you give up it will solidify his position to D.

What does giving up look like to you?

Originally Posted by jac12

My IC asked me this questions: "Can you be open to reconciling without being hopeful?"

Is he going to want someone who stays in bed all day? Are you doing anything to become more attractive (to any potential partners)?

I'm sorry that you're having a tough day. You can move forward with your life without giving up on your H. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

How do I be open to reconciling and not be hopeful? Does not compute.

You're right he's not going to want someone who stays in bed all day.

Attracting men isn't hard however my husband walked out on me and our 3 teenagers. He left me to be both their father and mother. He left me to be a single parent. He sends money and mows the lawn. Unless he comes back I won't have another partner for a very very long time if ever.

The thought of not being held or touched or loved again ever makes me incredibly sad.

Originally Posted by LH19

What makes you think if you give up it will solidify his position to D.

What does giving up look like to you?

The cliff notes are he left because I'm "crazy" aka depressed with anxiety. I added an anti depressant/anti anxiety med to my regiment after he left and suddenly my brain started working like it was supposed to. The results have been nothing short of miraculous. Seriously.

He has said the ONLY reason he would consider reconciling is because the depression/anxiety is gone. That said it's just a pill. The choice to reach for the stars or give up is now all mine.

90% of the time I reach for the stars which has planted some doubts in his head. He has not filed...yet. If I give up he can sleep soundly knowing he made the right choice to break up our family.

A month ago he said he had hope and now he doesn't. Said he was "done". The pill fixed my mental illness but the "work" to become a healthier person is all me. It's a choice now. My choice. That day I made a poor choice. I apologized, took ownership of it and changed it. I don't have papers...yet.

Today I'm very down since it's my anniversary. Normally I'd be admiring my dozen roses but today nothing. I haven't spoken to him in 2 weeks. I haven't seen him in a month and if looks could kill I'd be dead right now. He blames me for D16 not speaking to him. We texted about her for a week or so but then it stopped.

All his communication towards her (she shows it all to me) is me, me, me, me. It's all about what he wants. HE loves her. HE wants a relationship with her. HE needs her in HIS life. HE misses her. Yes she's 16 but she is a CHILD and as a child his wants aren't exactly high on her priority list. I don't think he gets what him leaving did to her. He told me "I didn't WALK OUT ON HER. WALKING out is me quitting my job and moving 1,000 miles away." She doesn't see it that way but okay.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. S19 graduated high school with honors. Starts college tomorrow. I'm going it all alone but no he didn't walk out. The part where he misses everything is irrelevant I guess.

It's our 28th anniversary. Was he sad or did he celebrate? Does he care? This stinks. Yes I'm wallowing. Ugh.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I want to give up. This stinks. Can I fast forward to my next anniversary? Can I fast forward to the part where I'm no longer in pain? Ugh ugh ugh.

Unfortunately there is no way to get past the pain except to go through it. So sorry you are feeling this way Kas. It is the worst. 28 years is a long time. I doubt he isn�t thinking about it in some way. Keep working on you. Do it for you, your kids and your future R...no matter who it is with. You will make it and you will be a better person for it. (((HUGS)))

His best friend got into his head. This guy has been married 4 times lost his only child to an ex. This kid hit her teenage years and decided dad would be more lenient so she moved in with him. It's a fairy tale ending. He got a new wife and his kid back full time (mom lives 12 hours away). Oh and he didn't have to pay alimony.

They both bought into the part where I'd fall apart (depression) and our kids would prefer him, the more stable/fun parent. This plan was fool proof. What could possibly go wrong?

Everything.

I appreciate the support and the reminders that I have to walk through the pain. I haven't felt this bad since he first left. Another part of why I feel like crap is the kids just started school. My stress level just went through the roof.

Oh and trust me he's waiting to see if I fail. He NEEDS me to fail (see my post above).

WAH is paying half my bills plus he pays me CS. Im saving the CS because I have no idea what is going to happen. S19 just told me that WAH is having some very expensive car repairs. Then there is D16s hospital bill. This would be tight on both our incomes now he has to pay it with one?

Divorce is expensive. If this is going to happen I�m glad I won�t be responsible for any of it. I only have to pay for necessities and I have no problems giving up everything to save for a rainy day. My lifestyle will drop to as little as I can get away with. Our kids won�t starve but this won�t be fun. Hope it�s worth it to him.

Ugh

Divorce is expensive because it�s worth it right?

I�m in a lot of pain. I don�t know how to cope so I get snarky.

I miss my husband so much. I want him to come home. I miss him. Our kids miss him. I cannot believe this is my life. My kids have to decide which parent they want to live with. He promised D13 she could have the master bedroom and her own bathroom. When he first left she was closer to him. Now she says she�s closer to me. She wants to be with me but will choose the bigger room. She says she will sleep on a air mattress at my place when he travels.

Divorce is dumb.

Aww, not seeing one of my kids would tear me apart! Kas99, have you consulted with an attorney? In my area, a D13 is too young to "choose" to be with only one parent 100%. Many attorneys give free consultations. The dynamics do change as they get older and I know parents who no longer see their S16+.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. We're here anytime you want to vent.

CWarrior she�s almost 14 and I�m rebuilding our relationship. We have three teenagers and it just seems cruel to cram them into tiny rental after they�ve had their own bedrooms their entire life. WAH agrees but is under the assumption they will go back and forth. They won�t and I�m not interested in forcing D14 to live with me. Our kids will be split up if he goes through with this. I�ll have 2 kids and he will have 1.

The longer he's gone the more of a stranger he becomes. This is so sad because he once was a very involved father. He adores them. He tries to reach out, tries to spend time with them but there isn't much to do around here. He's living in a camper and none of them will go over there. They say it's a total disaster. He left angry and took every stitch of clothing he owns. He doesn't wear most of it but he didn't take time to pack. He has triple the amount of clothes/shoes I have. The camper is pretty small and he's said storage is an issue. Ya think?

I think he thought I'd destroy his clothes. He asked me not to destroy the house. He really does see me as a lunatic.

Kas, you're allowing yourself to wallow in the mire. "To remain stuck in an undesirable or negative situation due to one's unwillingness to do something to change." That is you EXACTLY, and you are doing it to yourself. Look I get it, you want to curl up and be miserable and rock and weep in the corner of the room. You want to talk endlessly about how unfair it is, how the kids suffer, how your standard of living is crap, how your H is doing poorly and won't come to his senses. We all do that to some extent after BD. But eventually you have to move past it and start HEALING. You have to rise up, say screw this, I am going to prove to the world that I am a superwoman despite what my H has done, that I am going to give my kids a GREAT life, that I refuse to let all of this bring me down and crush me. Show your husband the awesome woman he is leaving behind. Make him regret it! Pull yourself together and don't let yourself be miserable for one more minute.

It is far too easy to fall into the "victim" mentality and decide your spouse has ruined your life. But you are 100% responsible for your life. You are responsible for who you chose to marry, how much control you gave them over your life and how much you lose when they give up that control and you have to take it back. Stop blaming and start accepting control of your life again. Start focusing your posts here on your dreams and goals and how you are going to chip away at it. Quit talking about H and his trailer and such. Rise above. You can do this!

Originally Posted by CWarrior

I know parents who no longer see their S16+.

I never thought this would happen to us. D16 says she doesn't like who he's become. WAH continues to reach out to her but she doesn't respond.

The verdict is still out as to whether or not he will go through with the divorce. The terms of our divorce are simple and straightforward. He could have filed 4 months ago and hasn't.

1) saving money? Nope still paying all my bills plus his. Has already paid the attorney.

2) hoping D16 comes around? If he moves her she will just get mad again.

3) Trying to find a super cheap place to live? Unlikely because he can do that after we D. He has already moved out.

4) Hoping I'll file? I've read hundreds of these stories. Keeping a LBS in a cushy situation leaves little motivation to ever file. We have no assets so this doesn't benefit him either.

Which leaves doubts and hoping I change (and those changes stick).

He could just be lazy and dragging his feet. Keeping his options open. You'd have to meet him to know this isn't likely. Lazy isn't in his vocabulary even now. Dragging his feet isn't him either. He's got plenty of money and he's already paying me. The only thing that would change would be our marital status and my address. He's having doubts. He hasn't made up his mind yet. It isn't over yet.

Who am I kidding? He's not coming back is he? He hasn't filed because he can't figure out how to get rid of me and keep the rest of his life intact. He'd rather live in a tiny camper than with me. He hates me. He absolutely hates me.

And then I think the rest of his life intact what does that mean exactly? Money? Can't be because he's paying that now and he will pay that later. It's just child support and their health insurance. I'm taking the minimum and barring a major emergency I will be fine. Is he trying to decide is it worth paying me 28% of his income to get rid of me? Again this is the MINIMUM and I will still struggle financially. He will be fine. He has plenty of money.

Kids? Is he trying to decide if losing the kids is worth not living with me?

What if after all this he still divorces me? That makes me the most awful person ever.

I understand the feelings you are having! Going back and forth in your mind trying to figure out what he may or may not do. It�s excruciating. I�m STILL doing it and I�ve been here much longer than you have. But it doesn�t help or change anything. As you�ve read from others, the best thing you can do is focus on yourself and your kids and doing other things. Sometimes it feels impossible, and you kind of just have to fake it.
And remember that none of this is a reflection on you. These are his actions.

I've done some more research and these are my theories:

WAS's and LBS go through the stages in opposite ways. LBS's start out grieving and end up happy. WAS's start out happy and end up grieving. So it's not that come back miraculously when LBS's move on it's because they are now sad. If they leave for someone else the grieving process doesn't start until the honeymoon is over.

Men process emotions slower which is part of why they come back more often. They tend to make rash decisions without thinking it through. Women however process emotions faster so by the time they leave they have thought it through probably for a lot longer than men do.

If a WAS leaves showing no emotion (indifference) that's a bad sign because it means they've recovered from the breakup while still in the marriage. If the WAS is angry that means they aren't over you....yet. Doesn't mean they will come back it just means on some level they still care. This is why when LBS's start dating the WAS gets angry. They still think of you as "theirs". They might come back at this point but unless the LBS makes them work for it the reconciliation will fail. If they won't do the work then you know all they wanted was to keep you as Plan B.

The timeline is LBS's move into recovery around 6-7 months. This is when most LBS have started to accept the situation. Recovery is from 7-12 months. During this time is when the LBS stops thinking about the WAS. Has learned to live independently and has stopped thinking about the WAS. It's around this time that the WAS comes back if they do come back. The LBS is surprised to hear from the WAS at this point so at this point they may or may not want to reconcile.

My ONE takeaway from all of this is THIS TOO SHALL PASS. Take comfort in the part where the pain is finite. It will end and it's quite predicable actually. I'm at 5 months and am light years from where I was in the beginning. I'm closer to thinking do I really want him back?? He wasn't fun. He didn't love me. Our marriage stunk. Doesn't mean these things can't be fixed it just means I'm starting to believe this wasn't all me.

What I see now logically is that our marriage was pretty bad. He was miserable. I was miserable. He drank and I overate. We spent our evenings watching a gazillion hours of stupid tv. I loved him more than he loved me and I knew this. Let me change that I was more needy than him. I've known this for a very long time. I was highly codependent and didn't know how to make myself happy. He was an avoidant so he shut down instead of telling me honestly how he felt. He doesn't like relying on anyone. I couldn't rely on myself. He resented me for putting this much responsibility on him for my happiness. I resented him for not reassuring me of his love. He wanted freedom. I wanted constant attention.

I considered divorce plenty of times. He had the guts to leave. I wouldn't leave the kids.

Here is the good news. We love each other, have great chemistry and work well together as a team.

The bad news is I've done a lot of damage that he may never recover from. May decide I'm not worth another chance.

Overall I'm doing much better than I thought I would. Yeah I'm sad at times but I've got my kids full time, a job I love, friends, a support group, my life is full. Our home is happier now than when he left. The kids and I got better.

I miss him but I know this is for the best. I would have never learned to be happy as long as I could blame him. Wouldn't have the relationships I have with my kids. I'm a much better person that I was and I am proud of the work I've done. I hope we can try again down the road but I know I'll be okay no matter what it's just going to suck for a while.

Let me be clear....being alone is the WORST!!!!! I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I lost my best friend, my rock, the person I thought I'd grow old with. Yes our marriage was bad but I don't understand why we couldn't have done a trial separation. This was fixable. Why blow up a 28 year marriage without doing everything possible to fix it first? Why put our kids through this?

Our kids still want to know when we are moving. Um I have no idea. I just say "divorce takes time" and leave it at that. None of say out loud we hope he changes his mind but I know we are all thinking it.

Here is the one thing I really...really need to remember.

HE DOES NOT WANT ME!!!!

He does not want me on our anniversary.
He does not want me if I beg.
He does not want me because of the kids.
He does not want me because of money.
He does not want me.
He does not want me.
He does not want me.

I need to write this a hundred times. He does not want me.

He might want me later but he does not want me TODAY.

Originally Posted by "Kas99"

Why blow up a 28 year marriage without doing everything possible to fix it first? Why put our kids through this? He might want me later but he does not want me TODAY.

There's a kernel of truth to walk away spouses being insane, eh? Sorry you're having a rough morning.

Originally Posted by "Kas99"

He doesn't like relying on anyone. I couldn't rely on myself.

The final fight before my ex left was over changing a car battery. I'm capable of changing a battery, but I wanted her to help by either holding the flashlight or making the change-out. It annoyed her. I want for her to depend on me, and for me to depend on her. I'll have to read up in "interdependence" vs. "codependence".

Originally Posted by "Kas99

I resented him for not reassuring me of his love. He wanted freedom. I wanted constant attention

Yes! My partner struggled as much with the pressure of constantly reassuring me as I struggled with not being reassured enough. This is typical distancer-pursuer behavior.

I'm mostly okay today. These are my musings as my moods go up and down.

Since WAH left I've unclogged a drain, sort of fixed a squeaky door, took my car in for repairs, made room for my car in the garage with stops so it perfectly aligns, and many more things I can't remember right now. I gotta say it's been a huge confidence builder to do these things on my own. I'd mow the lawn but eh he's doing it so I'll let that go. I have enough to do and once we D I won't have a yard. I am learning to be on my own. IF....big If he comes back I am NEVER going to rely on him again. NEVER EVER EVER. I will pay my own bills, I will fix my own car, I am woman hear me roar. I'd get one of those clip on light things or ask a kid to help. I will not ever ask WAH to do anything again. I know I sound bitter but I swear I'm not. I see how I fell into this trap and I won't do this again.

Yes I was the pursuer. I don't completely have that out of my system yet but it is fading fast. I'm grateful for my kids because they are teaching me about love. The more I focus on THEIR happiness the less needy I feel. Seeing them happy makes me feel secure in their love for me. Feeling secure means I have no reason to pursue. I know when they are busy with friends they still love me. This was a concept I didn't get before WAH left.

Had I spent half as much time making WAH happy as I did focusing on my own needs I wouldn't be in this mess.

I like to think about things I've done right. Hours after WAH told me he was leaving I told him I couldn't take care of the kids. Told him I'd fall apart so I offered to move out. He said he'd pay a years worth of rent and would buy me furniture. I agreed and he told all the kids I was moving out.

The next day he sent me a text saying he was at this apartment complex and would I like to come and see it. By this time I had come to my senses so I texted back "I've changed my mind. I'm staying with the kids". He said then he was going to rent one. I said okay and offered to let him take some of the furniture until our current lease was up. Hey I don't mind sitting on lawn chairs. lol

I was in shock so I responded with this eerie calm. I shudder to think how badly this would have gone had I moved out. He moved out 3 days later and we didn't know where he was for weeks. He moved into our camper.

I was HIGHLY codependent on WAH. Addicted, couldn't function without him, pursued him relentlessly, based my happiness on him, needed constant validation, separation anxiety, fear of abandonment (ironic), etc.

In short I avoided feeling PAIN by focusing all of my energy on him.

I haven't been without a man in my life since I was 15 years old and I'm 53. Seriously. I'd go from relationship to relationship just to avoid feeling pain.

Last night I got excited because I will soon be free. The codependents out there will know exactly what I'm talking about.

Sounds like you are starting to work on you Kas. Good for you! (((HUGS)))

When WAH first left I began making changes to get him back. Now I�m starting to enjoy my life. Codependency steals every ounce of joy. I keep doing all these things that build my self esteem. I�ve read actions build self esteem. I do things I think I can�t. I fail yes but I don�t give up. I�m never giving up.

It�s hard though. Change is painful. I keep reminding myself that the pain will end. It�s not as bad now so that�s a positive. I still worry about him going through with the divorce but that just means I�m not over him....yet.

My concerns:

I'm 53. How will I support myself in my old age? WAH was the primary earner for 15 years. I'll be working until I'm dead but what if I get sick or disabled? I'll get lifetime alimony yes (28 year marriage) but if I'm not working how will I make it? Both our mothers had men who provided for them. I won't have that. I figure this means my kids will get stuck with me right?

I also worry about being alone for the rest of my life. I don't have time to date and since 67% of 2nd marriages fail I'll pass. While I'd love to have a man in my life I don't think it's worth the pain.

Thoughts?

Originally Posted by kas99

I'm 53. How will I support myself in my old age? WAH was the primary earner for 15 years. I'll be working until I'm dead but what if I get sick or disabled?

Are you in the US? You are eligible for Social Security benefits at 62. If you become disabled you're eligible for benefits sooner. Between that and alimony I would think you would be fine.

Quote

I also worry about being alone for the rest of my life. I don't have time to date and since 67% of 2nd marriages fail I'll pass. While I'd love to have a man in my life I don't think it's worth the pain.

First, there's nothing wrong with being alone. It's healthy, all people should have at least some "alone" time now and then. Second, I guess you mean you worry about being "lonely" rather than "alone". You can curb that by hanging out with friends or family. 53 is not old in this day and age. You can find someone else if you choose to do so. You're worried about getting married again because 67% of 2nd marriages fail? LOL! So be in the 33% then.

I�m pondering the whole I think I need a man in my life or I�m going to be lonely. Sex is great but I can live without it. I think it�s my codependency talking. Men give me an ego boost which I don�t need either right?

It will hurt when he meets someone else but everything divorce related hurts.

Originally Posted by kas99

I�m pondering the whole I think I need a man in my life or I�m going to be lonely. Sex is great but I can live without it. I think it�s my codependency talking. Men give me an ego boost which I don�t need either right?

It will hurt when he meets someone else but everything divorce related hurts.

I think there is a difference between needing a relationship for an ego boost, and just liking the natural good vibes that flow from a positive, healthy relationship. Who doesn't like the latter?

The cure to loneliness isn't finding a partner. The cure is feeling connected to people. It's easy to confuse the two.

It took 6 weeks after he moved out for WAH to get his ducks in a row. I'm 99% sure he was going to file on May 18th. I'm 99% sure he didn't because that was the day reality hit. Money and D16 not speaking to him.

Neither of us can afford this rental house on our own. The original plan was for us to move Oct 15th. They are anxious because they are aware of the date.

I'm not going to ask him because I want as much time as I can get. They are asking if/when we are moving. What do I tell them?

Quote

I think there is a difference between needing a relationship for an ego boost, and just liking the natural good vibes that flow from a positive, healthy relationship. Who doesn't like the latter?

The cure to loneliness isn't finding a partner. The cure is feeling connected to people. It's easy to confuse the two

You're right. I'm actually feeling better hanging out with my kids who actually WANT to be with me vs WAH who didn't.

This makes me sad because it means he won't come back.

I'm being stupid though. He loved me and wanted to be with me. I just needed to get better. Verdict is still out as to whether he will give me another chance.

I appreciate the advice. I am working so hard to learn and grow.

He ordered new checks. Every little thing he does feels like another nail in my coffin. I wonder if he left me for someone else. He's living in a camper so wouldn't he want his own place as soon as possible?

I'm getting emails, texts and phone calls from our rental company. We can move in 7 weeks. He can get his own place once we move. Are we moving??

Ok sometimes I need to say positive things.

There is a 50% chance he will come back.

He knows I'm on new med's and that I'm not depressed. Is afraid I will revert back to old ways.

People generally try again when they believe "something" has changed.

Its too soon to reconcile anyway. I'm not ready.

Men come back more than women do.

I've gotten three weak "maybes" due to meds.

Said he had hope then said he was done. The key word here is "hope".

I owned my mistake (unusual for me). He was nice to me for a couple of weeks afterwards - NC since then (normal).

He waved at me as I drove by instead of getting the death stare.

There is a 99% chance I will feel a lot better in a year.

Here�s a great positive!!

Before he left - kids all in their rooms. WAH and I sitting on the couch doing nothing. Boring.

Now - All the kids and I are sitting at the kitchen table doing homework, coloring and sharing memes. It�s 7:45 pm. D16 laughed until she cried over a video of a dog snoring.

This is great right??

You are in the spin cycle of worrying about your husband. So I edited everything to take the focus off him.

Originally Posted by kas99

Ok sometimes I need to say positive things.

There is a 50% chance he will come back.

He knows I'm on new med's and that I'm not depressed. Is afraid I will revert back to old ways.

People generally try again when they believe "something" has changed.

Its too soon to reconcile anyway. I'm not ready.

Men come back more than women do.

I've gotten three weak "maybes" due to meds.

Said he had hope then said he was done. The key word here is "hope".

I owned my mistake (unusual for me). He was nice to me for a couple of weeks afterwards - NC since then (normal).

He waved at me as I drove by instead of getting the death stare.

There is a 99%100% chance I will feel a lot better in a year.

Unchien this is my trauma induced so called love addiction, codependency, or what I like to call it �I can�t be without a man syndrome�. This is the longest I�ve ever been without a man in my life and if you followed my story I�ve already talked to a man for a couple of months since WAH left. It was an online thing but he was making plans to visit me in September. I got in deep so I stopped talking to him in July.

I�m detoxing.

Unchien this man pursued me on another board and I jumped at the chance to avoid this pain. We'd text all day everyday. We'd talk on the phone. I would have kept going but he wanted an actual relationship. Go figure.

So now I miss him and WAH.

Until I stop needing a man to complete me it's best I not reconcile.

From what I've read detoxing is the hardest part.

Kas - I would venture to say a lot of the men here have the same codependency [UC raises hand]

You speak about it almost like an addiction. I think there is truth to that. We get addicted to the validation we get from the opposite sex.

Detox is obviously an important step in overcoming addiction. But I think there is deeper work involved to really overcoming the core issues. I can't really speak to yours. I know I am paranoid about potentially falling into a rebound relationship and repeating all the same mistakes.

Unchien I'm drowning. I'm struggling to get through the day without a man. The last day I talked to the other man was July 15th. I then started talking to another man right after him. I've been alone now for 30 days. Pathetic right?

I call it an addiction because of how it feels to stop and how I'm tempted. Men are my drug of choice.

It's only been a month so detoxing is where I'm at.

There are online support groups for people like me. Private ones of course and heavily moderated. Don't need men trolling for women like me. I need to get involved in one of those.

I don't get in trouble on the front page of a board like this it's when the private messages start. These relationships have a shelf life of a month unless I go further which I won't do. If I go further my chances of reconciliation drop to ZERO.

I'm not at risk for a rebound until WAH divorces me or I've decided he isn't coming back.

In my mind that is at most 10 months from now. If he hasn't come back by then he isn't coming back.

If he's coming back I've got 7-10 months to get my act together.

Originally Posted by kas99

I�ve already talked to a man for a couple of months since WAH left. It was an online thing but he was making plans to visit me in September. I got in deep so I stopped talking to him in July. We'd text all day everyday. We'd talk on the phone. I would have kept going but he wanted an actual relationship.

Hi Kas99, early on in my relationship, I talked to another woman 1-2 hours two to three days a week. As we discussed meeting, I broke it off--too close to an EA and our lives were incompatible--but it felt awesome talking to someone who cared about my day, my thoughts, and my feelings.

I wonder what drove you to end it just before it became a real relationship. It is a good sign that, if/when you're ready to put in the time and effort of dating, or get out and meet others, you should be able to find someone who's as excited to hear your stories as you are to hear their stories.

Originally Posted by kas99

If I go further my chances of reconciliation drop to ZERO. I'm not at risk for a rebound until WAH divorces me or I've decided he isn't coming back.

You talk of your weakness in starting these, but recognize your steely determination in ending them, too!

Originally Posted by kas99

I don't get in trouble on the front page of a board like this it's when the private messages start.

I think this is exactly right.

Quote

Hi Kas99, early on in my relationship, I talked to another woman 1-2 hours two to three days a week. As we discussed meeting, I broke it off--too close to an EA and our lives were incompatible--but it felt awesome talking to someone who cared about my day, my thoughts, and my feelings.

I like men and while I've walked that line I've never had an EA.

Quote

I wonder what drove you to end it just before it became a real relationship. It is a good sign that, if/when you're ready to put in the time and effort of dating, or get out and meet others, you should be able to find someone who's as excited to hear your stories as you are to hear their stories.

I've only loved two men in my life. My first love and WAH. I am still hopelessly in love with WAH. As long as there is a chance WAH will come back I will remain faithful. I do need to stop those almost EA's though. They are deal breakers for WAH.

Being at work is the hardest. I've felt like crying much of today.

How on earth am I supposed to cope with losing the love of my life and my best friend?

Everyone here is all excited for the weekend and I remember not that long ago being one of them.

I miss him so much it hurts. It is better than it was but dang this is hard.

Today I had to help out in court because there were 2 protection orders (nothing violent)

My takeaway. Lots of people try to reconcile My first love and I were on again off again for years before calling it quits.

I'm aware my focus is too much on WAH but these things help me get through the day. I've read that there is no way to make this process go any faster so whatever gets me through I'm good with it. The man I got involved with? He got me through 6 weeks of this and I do not regret meeting him. For all my talk I have no interest in doing that again. It took A LOT of my time. Time away from work. Time away from my kids.

Originally Posted by kas99

How on earth am I supposed to cope with losing the love of my life and my best friend?

We can't fill your hole, anymore than you can fill ours, but we're here and listening! I hope you have your kids this weekend--it's not the same as your best friend, but being surrounded by family is something. Especially when they're old enough that the chats turn to topics beyond "Mama" and "Ducky!"

Quote

We can't fill your hole, anymore than you can fill ours, but we're here and listening! I hope you have your kids this weekend--it's not the same as your best friend, but being surrounded by family is something. Especially when they're old enough that the chats turn to topics beyond "Mama" and "Ducky!"

Writing here helps even when no one responds to my ramblings. I have my kids EVERY weekend for which I am grateful. Our kids are teenagers who'd rather be at home that at his camper. A month ago he said he misses them but he may have found a way to cope by now who knows. You don't even want to know what my kids talk about it. lol I've gotten closer to them and they have let me into their world. WAH would be PISSED if he knew about all this. Oh well he left.

I now believe if you're going to get divorced it's best to do it when the kids are young. The people who think "I'll wait until the kids are older to divorce" have no idea what it's like. Oh and this isn't a gender specific thing either. Teens will equally pick dad over mom. D13 originally picked WAH over me but I'm here and he isn't so she's starting to switch sides.

Scratch that. There isn't a "good" time to divorce with kids. D16's best friend's parents got divorced when she was 8. Her parents live within walking distance from each other, got along great (or so I thought). She's a great kid and I've known her for 10 years. Has a room at each house and is well loved.

She hit her teenage years and dumped dad. Yep she no longer speaks to him. "Dad" retaliated by not paying child support and refused to give his ex copies of her insurance card. So much for an amicable divorce...

Oh and did I mention she's now being treated for depression and anxiety? Ugh.

Isn't divorce wonderful??

I get it some people need to be divorced but to run off to find "happiness" is a crock.

I've been studying human behavior as kind of a hobby for 20 years. Now that I've added divorce to my life experience I've been researching that too.

WAS's act angry around LBS's to avoid giving out false hope. It's also kind of self preservation mode. The only time I haven't seen him angry in person was when we were at the bank. I was cooperating and he knew it.

On the phone he has cut me. Hit below the belt and said some really mean things. Once I proved I wasn't trying to take him to the cleaners he was nice. I remember those conversations where he treated me with care. He got me flowers for mothers day and a card for my birthday plus money.

Overall I think he still cares.

He�s been giving me 20% of his income. He pays all my bills except food and gas. I work full time and there is no court order. I do not need the money and I�ve told him to keep it.

For the first month he didn�t want to give me anything. I�m the one who backed off. Took his settlement offer, made this easy, cooperated, etc. He could have filed 4 months ago.

I still have all the money he gave me.

Yes my mood is all over the place I'm aware. It helps to type this all out. Sometimes I feel like crap, like my life is over. Sometimes I think its all going to be okay. Sometimes I think he will come back (eventually) and other times I think he hates me. 30 years together is a lot to let go of.

Tonight I was thinking two things are saving me. One my kids. Two I don't have to see or talk to him. There is nothing big happening with our teens for 2 more years. He can have everything else.

I said this before and there have been TWO emergencies since then. Ugh. Make it stop. Make it stop.

Why does the universe insist on making us see each other?

Originally Posted by kas99

Why does the universe insist on making us see each other?

The universe has a funny way of forcing us to deal with our issues.

It's really hard not to be reactive to everything going on. It is an emotional minefield.

Quote

The universe has a funny way of forcing us to deal with our issues.

It's really hard not to be reactive to everything going on. It is an emotional minefield.

But see it's crap. WAH is divorcing me and I have NO reason to see him. Ever.

Those past two times? Totally, highly unusual, never, ever happens emergencies.

Heck I successfully avoided WAH at S19's high school graduation.

I shouldn't see him again until we move and that's it. I'm out.

I'm still doing a 180 and my kids appreciate my changes. This is what I did yesterday.

Took D13 to get her hair cut then we hung out for a while.

Watched Vampire Diaries with D16 then helped her clean her bathroom/bedroom (total mess).

S19 took me out for a driving lesson (stick). 30 years since I owned one but he's right I need to be able to drive his car.

S19 (aspergers) then wanted to talk for 2 hours about manual transmissions.

D16/D13 had friends over and I watched The Goonies with S19.

I also cooked dinner, cleaned and did laundry.

Went to bed at midnight.

The old me wouldn't have done any of this. I would have watched a lot of tv and napped (depression).

We can give notice on this rental now and be out by Oct. The time has come to see how bad he wants me out of his life. The rent is going up 20% in November unless we sign another lease. We were going to stay here until D13 graduated high school. So much for that right?

5 months. I'm at 5 months. Please tell me this gets better within a year. I'm doing okay but this still [censored].

So he told D13 to tell me he has hired a lawn service since he's going to be out of town this week. It's these stupid things that bother me despite knowing the truth. Yes I know the truth. I want to give up. I want to quit. It's too hard. I'm tired. I want to go back to bed. Yes again.

This is where I say whatever I want even if it's wrong. He thought I'd fall apart. Thought I'd fail. Thought the kids would support him once I fell apart. This is the truth. He said all this. If I fell apart he'd get to have everything he wanted. If I begged, if I took his stupid handshake deal of $1,000 a month, he wanted to erase me out of this family. Tried to get me to move out. Told me I couldn't take care of the kids by myself. He had it all planned out.

He's a good man. A desperate man. A man in pain. Walking away might make him happy but if he thinks I'm going to fall apart he is sadly mistaken. I am a fighter. I will push through this. I am stronger than I thought I was. I will survive this somehow. I am in pain but I refuse to give up.

Now I'm going to go clean my bathroom.

I am angry that he badmouthed me to our kids. I am angry that he lied to me when I asked if he was okay. Blamed everything on work as he plotted his exit. I am angry that we had this romantic weekend before he dumped me. Who does that???

Here is what I believe in. I believe in Karma. I'm getting what I deserve. This is the lesson I needed to learn and I will learn it. I was a total, nag, depressed, lazy witch. I'd gotten fat and had let myself go.

WAH is no saint. Not.Even.Close. He cuddled with me on the couch, held my hand, made love to me all while socking money away and had his name on a waiting list for the month to month campground.

His karma? He lost one daughter, barely sees the other one. This kills him. He sees S19 but he's autistic so he doesn't text or talk on the phone. Sees him once a week. This kills him. He thinks I'm not strict enough on our teenage girls. You know the typical father thing. Well he lost control. This kills him. He can't parent from afar and he knows it. This kills him.

His money? Before he left he said "I think we can financially swing it". I paid the bills for 28 years so I knew this wasn't going to be quite as easy as he thought it would be. He doesn't care about me but he does care about the kids. I will get enough money to live. That's it. He will be responsible for everything else. He showed me his after divorce budget and it showed him having all this extra money. I didn't say anything because he'd get angry but I knew his budget had little to do with reality.

May 18th. That is THE day when he figured all this out. 6 weeks after he left he figured it out. I knew he would. What I don't know is what he will do with this information.

I did a post divorce budget for both of us back in May.

I keep an eye on that online budget because I can see when he looks at it.

He changed the password 10 days ago.

We can give notice on the lease now.

Crap!!!!!!

I cried for a while and have calmed down. He changed the password 3 days before our 28th anniversary. Maybe he�s getting ready to file. Maybe he�s getting ready to move us. Maybe he just wanted to upset me. I don�t know.

Believe nothing they say and half of what they do. Got it.

Him looking at the numbers and changing the password is bad isn't it?

I hope someone answers me today.

D14 says he wanted the D done fast but then he calmed down and is in no rush. Says he's focused on something else but doesn't know what. I suspect work. She said she hoped all he needed was a break (I'm sure she got this from her friends).

S19 says money is an issue for WAH. Says he's going to have to pay $2,000 to get his truck fixed and that his savings won't last. This happened AFTER he changed the password. Anyway the rent is going up $350 a month in Nov. He can afford it but it won't make sense to pay it for very long. He could get his own place for that.

If you have not contacted a lawyer, you need to do so. Changing the password may mean that he does not want you to see what he is actually spending. He could also be aware that you are watching that account...so he shut you out.

He's not going to identify what he's focused on. It could be work, something fun, i.e., such as a new hobby, or something else...but he's not ready to reveal what it is at this time. Then again, he may not even know which end is up.

Of course, money is an issue. He has to pay the bills for his family and he's not happy that he has to "share" the burden of responsibility of a family that he has put up on a shelf. He may very well afford the bills and the rent increase for now, but he's going to get tired of doing this. My advice, if you can get into any of the accounts, withdraw half of the funds and put them in a new account now.

Do take the time to speak to a lawyer to see what you are entitled to and how to proceed if he stops paying for things.

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If you have not contacted a lawyer, you need to do so. Changing the password may mean that he does not want you to see what he is actually spending. He could also be aware that you are watching that account...so he shut you out.

We both have attorney's. He's aware I know more about his finances than he does. He's either preparing to file or shutting me out. We agreed on a settlement 4 months ago.

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He's not going to identify what he's focused on. It could be work, something fun, i.e., such as a new hobby, or something else...but he's not ready to reveal what it is at this time. Then again, he may not even know which end is up.

You're right none of us know what he's doing.

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Of course, money is an issue. He has to pay the bills for his family and he's not happy that he has to "share" the burden of responsibility of a family that he has put up on a shelf. He may very well afford the bills and the rent increase for now, but he's going to get tired of doing this. My advice, if you can get into any of the accounts, withdraw half of the funds and put them in a new account now.

Do take the time to speak to a lawyer to see what you are entitled to and how to proceed if he stops paying for things.

He followed the divorce playbook and within days our finances were split 50/50.

Thank you for bringing this up though. If he stopped paying now I have enough saved to cover rent until the lease is up and moving expenses. It would be tight but we won't starve.

August 1 he goes out of his way via S19 to try to fix my car (was previously angry when I asked for help).

August 2 I send an apologetic, sincere, kind email. I tell him my car is my responsibility that I�d handle it. I thanked him for his patience and continued financial support. Told him I would no longer ask for help unless it was kid related.

August 13 he took D13 to an open house stating it was the least he could do since I am stuck with all the homework. This is new. Normally he loves it when I suffer.

August 15 he changed the password on the budget I prepared.

August 16 he brings me money.

August 18 was our 28th anniversary.

My head is throbbing - let me edit my timeline.

July 22 - D16 is in the hospital. He stays in the waiting room because she won't talk to him. He's pissed and blames this on me. I ask if I can give her hope and he says he had hope but he overheard me talking bad about him (true). Says he's DONE.

I fret on this all night before I send him a text the next morning. I thanked him for calling me on my bad behavior (I never do this). Too much to type it all out but I handled it well. We texted all day (he's mostly mad but he's being civil). Later that night I needed to get D16 food and my check engine light is on. I text him and he ignores me and S19. 6am the next morning he says he's confused, sad, angry, etc. but that he'd fix my car. Said he needed to calm down.

6 hours later I text him and tell him I got Auto Zone to read the code. It's nothing. He replies and our texting resumes.

July 24 - now he's interested in my car. He communicates via S19. He wants to fix it.

Aug 2 - I realize that we are getting divorced and my car is MY responsibility. I send him an email (we'd quit texting by now). I took ownership of my responsibility. During these weeks WAH waves at me (once) and our conversations leave me feeling positive.

In this email I say I'm going to learn how to drive S19's stick shift to have a backup plan. This was S19's suggestion.

Aug 6 - S19 and WAH have dinner and S19 discusses how my driving lessons are going. WAH wasn't pissed off at the sound of my name. I'll take it.

This brings me up to what I wrote previously.

I think I see the thread of the story--after your goof on July 22nd you apologized.. his texting increased (you ended it since he's divorcing).. he offered to help with your car (you said no since he's divorcing).. he asked about your driving.. he went to an open house to help you.. through Aug 13th it looked like he was moving towards you after realizing what without meant.

And then 10 days ago he changed passwords and little contact.

I felt like things got more positive after D16 was in the hospital but it's likely because I'd made up his mind for him right? He may have realized that D16 isn't coming back unless he comes back so that made up his mind too.

I could be overthinking this whole thing. He has acted like this before. He's known me for 30 years so he knows where all my buttons are. I'm a recovering control freak so he's got to know this kills me.

On the flip side I know where his buttons are too. I've got the home field advantage which must kill him. I know now this is part of why people (mostly men) are told not to move out until the D is final. I was a detached mother. By physically leaving he gave me a heads up and ample time to repair my relationship with the kids.

Had he stayed he could have continued to be the "favorite" parent. He could have then transitioned from our home to an actual home where they could have lived/visited, had dinner, watched tv, played video games, the whole nine. He misses the kids but his impulsiveness has cost him.

Originally Posted by CWarrior

I think I see the thread of the story--after your goof on July 22nd you apologized.. his texting increased (you ended it since he's divorcing).. he offered to help with your car (you said no since he's divorcing).. he asked about your driving.. he went to an open house to help you.. through Aug 13th it looked like he was moving towards you after realizing what without meant.

And then 10 days ago he changed passwords and little contact.

Ok the little contact is normal. The only reason it started back up was because D16 was in the hospital. I fully expected it to end. Its ONLY been 5 months - he's nowhere near ready to talk to me. As long as I'm still in the house there is still hope.

My gut is telling me the password change probably has more to do with our anniversary than anything. He got upset and reacted.

He moved out 5 months ago. The psychology of a breakup is that (generally) if he were going to file he would have done it already (I'm a researcher). He's either cake eating, having doubts or trying to solve a problem. My WAH is having doubts.

Psychology says the first 5 months will give WAH relief. He's in no rush to file because he's FREE. Approximately 6-8 months will be unpleasant unless he has someone. Months 9-12 are (generally) when the decision is made.

My WAH isn't missing me AT ALL (zero, zip, nada) but he is having doubts.

The rental house - the lease is up 7 months after he left. My gut says he won't be ready to commit either way at this point. He will pay the extra rent (2-4 months) so he won't uproot the kids until after the holidays.

Thoughts?

Fun fact: More divorces are filed in January than any other month.

He's not heartless. He will either file AND move us Oct 15th or he will wait until after the holidays.

Once he moves us it's game over.

If your psychology is right. I'm screwed. He moved out 6 weeks ago and filed for five 2 weeks ago. It will be final in 3 to 5 months, nothing I can do to stop it. No kids. Lol damn

Hi Kas,

Your stats sound reasonable. 6-12 months after I break-up is usually when I feel more loneliness than freedom and seek my next partner, and I did BD and file on my ex-wife in January, although my current partner BD'd me in May.

Originally Posted by "Kas99"

The rental house - the lease is up 7 months after he left. My gut says he won't be ready to commit either way at this point. He will pay the extra rent (2-4 months) so he won't uproot the kids until after the holidays. Thoughts?

If I were him I'd be securing a place a.s.a.p. where the kids would live with me--but I'm NOT him. I filed and moved out within a month of BD'ing my ex-wife and took the kids with me. I'd never go anywhere without my kids. You know your husband and his motives best and seem a good data analyst to boot.

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If I were him I'd be securing a place a.s.a.p. where the kids would live with me--but I'm NOT him. I filed and moved out within a month of BD'ing my ex-wife and took the kids with me. I'd never go anywhere without my kids. You know your husband and his motives best and seem a good data analyst to boot.

He cancelled the lease so he can get that place now. He promised D13 she could live with him but that's not going to happen because his work schedule is too chaotic and he travels. S19 will live with him and I will get both girls. D16 has disowned him so she's with me.

I haven't spoken to WAH in a month. He just cc'd me on the email to the rental company. This explains why he changed that password 10 days ago. He's got a plan in motion and I'm late to the party.....again.

Originally Posted by Hopeish

If your psychology is right. I'm screwed. He moved out 6 weeks ago and filed for five 2 weeks ago. It will be final in 3 to 5 months, nothing I can do to stop it. No kids. Lol damn

He cancelled the lease so I'm screwed too. I'm a middle aged woman leaving with the clothes on my back and 3 teenagers in tow. I don't make much money. I don't have any friends or family. Our fun retirement plans just went out the window. Instead I will spend the rest of my days working and going home to a crappy apartment.

He however has plenty of money and will be free of all parental responsibilities.

Wanna trade? lol

He cancelled the lease.. does that mean you have to move in October?

Originally Posted by CWarrior

He cancelled the lease.. does that mean you have to move in October?

We have to be out by the end of the lease which is Oct 31. It's 4am and I'm still up. I sent an email to my attorney because now I need a temporary support agreement. I'm an idiot for not getting one when she suggested it in May. I pray she doesn't punish me for not listening to her.

I'm so scared. Isn't the divorce strategy to get me out of the house and then starve me into getting the divorce done quickly?

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Divorce is happening