Posted By: NicoleR Husband left for the second time - 9 - 07/27/19 03:15 AM
Hi Everyone,

I've missed this forum. This is the link to my last thread:


I haven't been able to post much recently because I haven't been feeling well. I thought I had mostly recovered from chronic gastritis but now I developed something called "silent reflux" and it began to affect my ability to breath. I've been on various medications that have side effects, including exhaustion, and most of my energy has been spent just trying to keep up with my job and daughter. Nothing really seems to help. I've tried a complete elimination diet, low acid diet, various combinations of diets. I've seen doctors of various specialties, nutritionists, therapist, etc.. and I just keep getting test-after-test without any real results. Everyone seems to think the trauma from my husband leaving has caused this but I really have no idea. Apparently it's a common condition but I guess I have a severe case.

So, that's why I haven't posted much recently. Regarding my marriage situation there hasn't been any change. There's been no talk of divorce whatsoever. It's been over six months since I've had a real conversation with my husband. As far as I know he's happily living in our house with his girlfriend. He got a part-time job here in our area so he's been stopping by for 20 - 30 minutes to visit our daughter every day or two while he's here (not inside our apartment but he takes her to the club room or for a walk). Then the minute his rotation here is over he flies back to our house which is 1,000 miles away. He told her he's planning to rent an apartment in the building across this street. I wanted to call him and protest but ultimately I didn't see any point. I can't stop him from moving across-the-street, but I don't want to run into him and his girlfriend every time I go out. It seems like a nightmare to be "neighbors" with them.

I don't really know what will happen in my case. I'm not motivated to file for divorce because I never wanted a divorce and now that we're covered under his new health insurance I need the insurance for my health condition. My small company only provides a stipend to buy our own insurance and the one we have currently is among the best plans.

I started seeing a new therapist a while back who has a lot of experience. She believes I have PTSD.

That's a brief update. I haven't even remotely considered trying to date anyone. I made a final decision that I wouldn't think about whether or not to be open to the idea until this whole crisis gets resolved but it's lonely being alone every night and being the only single parent wherever we go. The European guy that I met in April said he's going to visit me in a few weeks. I'm excited to see him but I'm trying to figure out how to host him here with my daughter since everything has to be appropriate for her.

I read about Jim's situation and unless my husband is a complete scammer I anticipate going through the same thing someday. So much destruction has been done though. My husband is a really bad person for kicking my daughter and I out of our own house and moving his girlfriend in. He's a terrible father. It's hard to imagine any positive outcome. I do wish, just a little, to fall in love with the European guy and start over completely but not now, and not yet. I just don't know what will happen.

Posted By: Jim1234 Re: Husband left for the second time - 9 - 08/01/19 03:32 PM
NIcole, thanks for stopping by my thread. I'm not sure I would wish what's happening to me on anyone, though. It would be hard enough to give STBX the chance to prove themselves, and one of the things I'm struggling with is how could I ever be sure. And I know you're going to defend him, but after what he said to you and your daughter, I'm not sure I could ever trust him again. Taking an apartment across the street, to me, is just another indication that he doesn't take your feelings into account, and probably never will.

I'm so sorry about your physical condition. It's so hard when the doctor can't point to something and say "that's it!" The uncertainty takes a huge emotional toll. I wouldn't be surprised if you have some PTSD. I hope your new therapist can give you some help with that.

In the past, I've encouraged you to date, but I'm not so sure that was really good advice anymore. I will say that it is curious that my STBXW only came around when she thought/saw I was moving on. I don't know how much the new therapy had to do with it, but Steve has long advocated detaching and moving on, or at least appearing to, and I really think he's right.

please keep us updated.

Posted By: NicoleR Re: Husband left for the second time - 9 - 08/02/19 01:52 AM
Hi Jim,

Even if it doesn't work out with a spouse who left and then tries to return, it must still be nice to be wanted!

My health is getting just a little better but it's been a long journey after being down to 94 lbs again. I haven't heard of anyone else here talk about their health deteriorating after their spouse left so maybe I would have gotten sick anyway. The timing of it makes it seem like it's caused by stress but there could be other factors. I just wish I could be strong enough to manage life as a single full-time mom with a young child. Without a husband or family to help out it's just so hard to be sick.

If I happened to fall in love with someone unexpectedly I might feel different about dating and everything that's happening. I don't really have the time or energy to invest in someone else even if I wanted to date though. It also seems unfair when I'm still separated, sick, have my daughter 100%, and a demanding job to expect anyone to accommodate all of my restrictions. I don't see evidence of anyone who would be a good match. When I saw what was on the dating sites it's just so disappointing. Maybe I expect too much but when I checked it seemed like every guy is either wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses, is wearing a muscle shirt at the gym, not smiling, posing with their dog, etc.. and I don't find any of those things even remotely attractive! It felt so disheartening opening a dating site and seeing all the guys who are cheating on their wives or in "open" marriages. The European guy I met is the only one I could see myself with but I'm not putting too many hopes into him.

Jim thanks for commenting and I hope someday to have a more positive, uplifting message!
Posted By: Jim1234 Re: Husband left for the second time - 9 - 08/03/19 12:14 PM
Nicole, there is that! I guess I needed to look a little harder to see the silver lining!

I think most of us probably have health issues due to the stress we are experiencing, I just think yours is more extreme than most. I suspect most of don't even realize the effects stress is having on our bodies. You say you wish you were strong enough..... See, the thing is, most of us on here who have known your story from the beginning KNOW you're strong enough. Look at all that you've accomplished, and how far you've come. I wish you could see what we see. YOU ARE STRONG.

I'm longer going to give dating advice, considering how it's worked out for me, but I think you will get there in your own time.
Posted By: NicoleR Re: Husband left for the second time - 9 - 08/03/19 04:25 PM

I hope for the sake of others that no one has health problems as a result of their spouse leaving. It's already hard enough!

Thanks for your encouragement. I feel strong in cases like Thursday when my colleagues were flipping out about something that really wasn't very important. I didn't say it but I was thinking, "you guys are luck you think this is stressful! Trying having your husband leave you with a young child!" But mainly what I want is to be strong enough physically because I've felt tired and weak from not being able to eat much. Having no one to help at all amplifies the problem. When you have no choice though you just keep going...

I think what you write always shows good judgment. You were sure that your marriage couldn't be saved and you met someone you liked. What's wrong with that? If the European guy I met visits me and we find there's something worth pursuing then maybe I'll be more open to dating someone myself. Who knows. At the point where your marriage can't be saved, or you know it's not a good idea to want to save it, then you have to make a choice at some point about whether to try to meet someone again. Ultimately I believe all of us would love to find a new partner and not spend the rest of our lives alone.
Posted By: Jim1234 Re: Husband left for the second time - 9 - 08/04/19 06:25 PM
I wouldn't wish our experience on anyone, but it does help keep other things in perspective, doesn't it?

I wish we could give each other material support, like child watching, but all I can hope is you find a solution that you can live with. Your daughter is about 5 now? I'm sure she has met some friends. Is there any way you can talk to their parents and arrange a play date to give you a few hours to yourself? Just long enough for a bubble bath and to do your nails?

I'm not so sure about my sound judgement. If I were to give any advice now, it would be to hold off dating until you are sure you don't want to reconcile. But then again, dating helped me gain distance so that I was less inclined to reconcile, so what do I know? I do know that you are a woman with a lot to offer, and when you decide to start dating, any guy would be lucky to have you.

Keep your chin up. You're doing great.
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