Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: Leo22 Lost - 07/22/19 12:59 PM
Hi Everyone,

As you can tell I am new here but I have been reading this forum for the last month. A little background, my W and I have been married since Jan. 2008, dated for 2 years beforehand. I am about to be 33 next month and she is 31. we have one D who is 11. We had the best life anyone could ask for, we were happy, physically and emotionally so I thought. Approximately beginning of June 2019 was when I found out the ILYBNILWY. I cried my eyes out, plead, begged and everything else. She basically told me that she has no emotionally feelings for me at all because I emotionally neglected her, that she been bottling it up for the past 3-4 years. I asked why didn't you bring this up before and she gets loud, "I did and you called me a bunch of names and so forth." I do admit that I emotionally neglected her at times - I have been in the military for roughly 8 years and diagnosed with PTSD but I know that doesn't give me a reason to not show her the love and feelings. I just didn't know how all the time with all the [censored] I been through.
When she looks at me it feels like I am staring into an empty soul, so cold and dark. Before all this, I saw nothing but happiness in her eyes now its like a completely different person. I did all the "don'ts" when I found out the ILYBNILWY than found this site and bought the book DR. I read almost the whole book the first day but still have hard time knowing what to implement. I can't even touch her without her shrugging my hand off. She won't even look at me. What makes it harder is that I am dying inside and it seems like everything with her is flowers and roses. She started sleeping in the basement the next day after she told me the ILYBNILWY and I stay in the MBR, everything is so awkward now - we barely talk, if we do it feels weird. She already printed out and started filling out divorce papers, rented an apartment and will be moving out the second week of August. I just don't get how 10+ years of marriage goes down the drain like that, like it meant nothing to her. She even go a new phone line, I have a gut feeling there maybe an EA - but I don't want to believe it. She takes her phone EVERYWHERE. Before if she went to the bathroom, or anywhere else around the house she would just leave it be, now its glued to her hands. I try not to let it bother me but it does. Last night, I went to the basement and she was on the couch like she is video chatting or something with earbuds on and I asked who you talking to - she said your aunt but supposedly my aunt hung up right when she heard my voice and she flipped her phone over face down on the couch. I don't know what to do. I tried to GAL but my mind just keeps coming back to her. I exercise about 5 times a week but my mind keeps racing back to her. I'm trying to reach a point where when she leaves next month, that I'll be okay knowing that I tried to work this out. But also need to work on myself and mainly my relationship with my daughter.
Posted By: Cadet Re: Lost - 07/22/19 01:03 PM
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 07/22/19 01:29 PM
Before I read DR, I asked her for reassurance, bought her some gifts - after reading it just shows my desperation and how weak I am. I even asked her why can't we just try to work it out and her response is basically "I am done, nothing will change my mind." I still love her so much, I don't want to lose her but also trying to tell myself to prepare for it. Every weekend she has been gone to my AUNTs house, Friday-Sunday. I don't even text or call her but since I emotionally neglected her in one way or another I feel like that's counter intuitive to do that since that is what she wants anyway. Since she is moving out the second week of August, it maybe a little easier (hopefully) since I won't see her daily. I am just trying to take this day by day. I just never saw this coming, it sure did blind side me.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Lost - 07/22/19 01:55 PM
Sorry you are here. But you are in the right place. I would read DR again. I think you read it too fast. Because asking her who she is video chatting with is not part of DBing. Those are behaviors you need to drop.

I can almost guarantee you an EA. And I would argue that it is probably already a PA. Women do not need their own place to work on the marriage, or find themselves. They need their own place to sleep with other people.

But right now your concern is to focus on YOURSELF. GAL.....no excuses, just do it. Detach. This is so important, you have to remove your emotions from her craziness. You also need to 180 on the bad behavior from the past...for YOU, not her.

You also need to talk to a lawyer. If she is already drawing up divorce papers you need legal advice. Divorce is a legal process, and you need a lawyer for that. Do not let her try to do a "let's keep lawyers out of this" that so many WWs pull. You have to protect yourself. Schedule free consultations with lawyers. I called an ADAM lawyer in my sitch, and the reality of the process helped me, and scared my WW.

Feel free to bounce questions off of us. Most of us have been there. Read other people's sitches, you can learn a lot be reading what other people are going through, and the advice they are receiving.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Lost - 07/22/19 01:57 PM
Is there any chance that your aunt and her are lesbians?
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 07/22/19 02:11 PM

Steve85, Thanks for the response. I agree, I need to reread DR over again. I was most likely in the quick fix syndrome and just wanted everything to be ok. About her getting her own apartment, she first stated "I don't feel comfortable living in this house." Than the whole secretive phone stuff, that's when EA/and or PA started to play in my head. Oh yeah, always on snapchat also. I would have to agree with needing her own place just so she can see other people. I don't see how she would just take something on like that financially when its not official yet. I do need to start GAL for myself and daughter. I just find it difficult at the moment because for the past 10 years it was just her, my daughter and I going out for anything and every little thing. She already mentioned that she doesn't want lawyers involved also. I think I know one who is my friends husband, maybe I'll see if he can give me advice.

Originally Posted by Steve85
Is there any chance that your aunt and her are lesbians?


I don't believe so. She did experiment with other females before we go married but nothing since. Its more of a distant aunt, I don't know if she is going over there to possibly see the OM - I just have no way of proving it. A part of me wants to know for sure but another don't want to know about it at all. I'm just so confused at the moment.
Posted By: ovrrnbw Re: Lost - 07/22/19 02:35 PM
Stop using PTSD as a reason for anything IMO. I read where it has caused your relationship problems but not where you are getting treatment, or explained the trauma. When my sitch started, I was using crappy life events to explain and justify and cope with all the pain of my sitch. I see a lot of people do that, so it's relatively normal and I don't hate you for it or anything, but I do see some strength in your post so I think you need to bring that part of you out more.

Quote
I can't even touch her without her shrugging my hand off. She won't even look at me.
OK, so this clearly isn't working so don't do this anymore. It's making her feel the pressure.

Quote
I have a gut feeling there maybe an EA - but I don't want to believe it. She takes her phone EVERYWHERE.
99% of them do. Just the way it is. And every LBS (left behind spouse) thinks their spouse is the 1%.

[quote[I try not to let it bother me but it does.[/quote]Focus on this attitude, for everything she does. Michele explains her stop sign technique to stop negative thoughts from flowing freely. I use it a lot. But really, you can't let what others do affect you.

Quote
I don't know what to do. I tried to GAL but my mind just keeps coming back to her. I exercise about 5 times a week but my mind keeps racing back to her. I'm trying to reach a point where when she leaves next month, that I'll be okay knowing that I tried to work this out. But also need to work on myself and mainly my relationship with my daughter.

You answered your own question there, good going! You know what to do. If you remember the last resort technique from the book, just do that. Stop pursuing, GAL, wait and see. Don't be home when she is home. Take a change of clothes and go out to eat, walk through town, get a drink or two, see a play, take a cooking/dancing/whatever class, stay out until it's almost bedtime. These type of activities helped me and my sitch drastically. Walking downstairs to "her area" and asking her who she's talking to is working against you. Do you see the difference between the two?
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Lost - 07/22/19 02:46 PM
Originally Posted by Leo22

She already mentioned that she doesn't want lawyers involved also. I think I know one who is my friends husband, maybe I'll see if he can give me advice.



Who cares what she wants? She isn't calling the shots on this stuff. Be an alpha, take the bull by the horns. WWs always have a delusion of fast, easy, no-fuss divorces. It doesn't work that way! And when you talk to a lawyer, when she says "have you looked at the D papers yet?" When you say, "My lawyer is looking them over" the look on her face will be PRICELESS.Trust me on this.

The more you can DO (not say) to start to pop her fantasy bubble, the better.
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 07/22/19 02:56 PM
Quote
Stop using PTSD as a reason for anything IMO.

I learned to stop using it. I been talking to my psychologist almost on a weekly, now bi weekly basis about treatment. And before this BD happened, I told her one of my symptoms I am trying to fix is how to show my feelings to my spouse more often. It helps to have someone who will just sit there and listen. I haven't told anyone about this sitch until yesterday because I had to get it off my chest, which was my younger brother and a close friend who is overseas. Venting was good in a way so I don't keep it bottled inside which is also why I am here - to seek advice, learn and grow.

Quote
I can't even touch her without her shrugging my hand off. She won't even look at me.
Quote
OK, so this clearly isn't working so don't do this anymore. It's making her feel the pressure.


I am working on this. It is a natural reaction for me to want to hold her or at least give her a hug when she is in the vicinity.

[quote[I try not to let it bother me but it does.[/quote]
Quote
Focus on this attitude, for everything she does. Michele explains her stop sign technique to stop negative thoughts from flowing freely. I use it a lot. But really, you can't let what others do affect you.


The first week, I cried and hung on with dear life. It is getting a little easier to have a better attitude. I have days where I am a happy dude than next day, a freight train hits me out of no where. Its a see saw. I am going to reread DR, I maybe read it too quickly.

Quote
I don't know what to do. I tried to GAL but my mind just keeps coming back to her. I exercise about 5 times a week but my mind keeps racing back to her. I'm trying to reach a point where when she leaves next month, that I'll be okay knowing that I tried to work this out. But also need to work on myself and mainly my relationship with my daughter.

Quote
[/quote]You answered your own question there, good going! You know what to do. If you remember the last resort technique from the book, just do that. Stop pursuing, GAL, wait and see. Don't be home when she is home. Take a change of clothes and go out to eat, walk through town, get a drink or two, see a play, take a cooking/dancing/whatever class, stay out until it's almost bedtime. These type of activities helped me and my sitch drastically. Walking downstairs to "her area" and asking her who she's talking to is working against you. Do you see the difference between the two?


I know what to do but I'm so scared at the moment that its taking control of me. I stop pursuing for a couple days than the urge comes back stronger than ever. I try to fight it and I lose at times but win sometimes. Its a constant mental battle. I am definitely going to try and GAL more often, just need to figure out what my interest are - its been too long that I basically forgot what I enjoy doing solo. I walked downstairs last night because my mom called and ask her why my W cell phone doesn't work anymore. I know my mom picked up something was wrong but I still haven't told her yet. That was when she was talking to someone and immediately turned over the phone and said the other party hung up - when it was supposedly my aunt. I didn't ask if I can see or anything - I just find it strange that my Aunt would hang up when she heard my voice.
Posted By: IronWill Re: Lost - 07/22/19 03:22 PM
Hey Leo welcome to the boards.

You'll get a lot of good advice here from people who have a lot of experience. The thing to keep in mind is that everyone's situations are slightly different - but the overwhelming majority of things that take place in everyone's relationships are very common.

Take time to breathe every day. Are you interested in meditating? It has helped me calm down greatly and it has eased my anxiety. I also have PTSD from my childhood and from the military. It has been significantly reduced by meditating. It is hard to do at first, but you will notice its effects after a week or so.

Also - if you find yourself starting to feel emotional around your W - remove yourself from her vicinity and get emotional somewhere you can be alone. This takes some getting used to but it is a good habit to develop and it will save you the indignity of seeing your W get disgusted with your feelings.

Realize that she is not having the same feelings as you. In her mind there is no R anymore - she has moved on already. This is hard to accept and it will take some time, but the sooner you can accept it the better you will feel.

Your emotions will be on a rollercoaster for a while. Controlling them is a struggle but it can be done. This takes time. Be patient with yourself and take care of yourself.

I see you are in IC - that's a good thing. Keep going. It will help you greatly.

If there are any questions you have feel free to ask. These are really great people here who want to help you.

Take care and stay strong! smile
Posted By: ovrrnbw Re: Lost - 07/22/19 03:40 PM
Haha your Mom wouldn't have the new number but your aunt would? Makes perfect sense! *eyeroll*

The saying here is to believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 07/22/19 04:04 PM
Originally Posted by IronWill
Hey Leo welcome to the boards.

You'll get a lot of good advice here from people who have a lot of experience. The thing to keep in mind is that everyone's situations are slightly different - but the overwhelming majority of things that take place in everyone's relationships are very common.

Take time to breathe every day. Are you interested in meditating? It has helped me calm down greatly and it has eased my anxiety. I also have PTSD from my childhood and from the military. It has been significantly reduced by meditating. It is hard to do at first, but you will notice its effects after a week or so.

Also - if you find yourself starting to feel emotional around your W - remove yourself from her vicinity and get emotional somewhere you can be alone. This takes some getting used to but it is a good habit to develop and it will save you the indignity of seeing your W get disgusted with your feelings.

Realize that she is not having the same feelings as you. In her mind there is no R anymore - she has moved on already. This is hard to accept and it will take some time, but the sooner you can accept it the better you will feel.

Your emotions will be on a rollercoaster for a while. Controlling them is a struggle but it can be done. This takes time. Be patient with yourself and take care of yourself.

I see you are in IC - that's a good thing. Keep going. It will help you greatly.

If there are any questions you have feel free to ask. These are really great people here who want to help you.

Take care and stay strong! smile


Thanks Ironwill. Before I signed up for the forum, I was reading it daily and always find myself scrolling to those success stories because it is what I want - deep down I know I have to focus on my daughter and myself. The first week, there was just a lot of tears, begging, pleading and reassurance - all the stuff I wasn't supposed to do. I know I can't change the way she feels about me at the moment but I can change myself. That is what I read ALOT.

I have a neighbor who she told last week about my sitch. They finally talked to me yesterday when W wasn't home because I was walking my dogs to keep busy and they were sitting on the porch. They talked to me for about a good hour. They are both older couple, retired. But it is good to know that they don't approve my W behavior. When W told them about it, my neighbors ask for her to try and work it out, give him another chance - tried to talk some sense into her. They said she was stone cold, a confident "No, I'm done with him." But just having them talk to me about it and telling me what she is doing is wrong felt good. They also let me know they have a spare bedroom if I ever needed it.

I think I can take on meditating. It seems calming and peaceful. I am willing to do anything that will keep my mind busy. I try my hardest to realize that she is not having the same feelings as I am but I am still in a bit of denial and it comes and bite me in my rear hard.

I've been going to IC for a couple years now for treatment from the military. It helps out a lot to have a lending ear and vent out everything. Probably because I am also on medication.

Thanks for the words of encouragement!
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 07/22/19 04:14 PM
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Haha your Mom wouldn't have the new number but your aunt would? Makes perfect sense! *eyeroll*

The saying here is to believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.


I know right. That night she finally texted my mom her new number. The hard thing is my mom adores her like crazy. I have 4 brothers and a sister who lives in the same state as my parents (CA), 2 of my brothers married. I live in the Midwest due to where the military brought me and stayed here because I grew accustom to it. But my mom would call my W almost daily just to talk instead of my siblings or their spouse that lives in the same city. She is going to be heartbroken when she finds out.
Posted By: IronWill Re: Lost - 07/22/19 06:22 PM
Originally Posted by Leo22
[quote=IronWill]Hey Leo welcome to the boards.

You'll get a lot of good advice here from people who have a lot of experience. The thing to keep in mind is that everyone's situations are slightly different - but the overwhelming majority of things that take place in everyone's relationships are very common.

Take time to breathe every day. Are you interested in meditating? It has helped me calm down greatly and it has eased my anxiety. I also have PTSD from my childhood and from the military. It has been significantly reduced by meditating. It is hard to do at first, but you will notice its effects after a week or so.

Also - if you find yourself starting to feel emotional around your W - remove yourself from her vicinity and get emotional somewhere you can be alone. This takes some getting used to but it is a good habit to develop and it will save you the indignity of seeing your W get disgusted with your feelings.

Realize that she is not having the same feelings as you. In her mind there is no R anymore - she has moved on already. This is hard to accept and it will take some time, but the sooner you can accept it the better you will feel.

Your emotions will be on a rollercoaster for a while. Controlling them is a struggle but it can be done. This takes time. Be patient with yourself and take care of yourself.

I see you are in IC - that's a good thing. Keep going. It will help you greatly.

If there are any questions you have feel free to ask. These are really great people here who want to help you.

Take care and stay strong! smile

Originally Posted by Leo22

Thanks Ironwill. Before I signed up for the forum, I was reading it daily and always find myself scrolling to those success stories because it is what I want - deep down I know I have to focus on my daughter and myself. The first week, there was just a lot of tears, begging, pleading and reassurance - all the stuff I wasn't supposed to do. I know I can't change the way she feels about me at the moment but I can change myself. That is what I read ALOT.


Yes - there are a lot of things that will help you here. The first thing that is the hardest is detachment. I would call it loving detachment - because you are choosing to let your W live how she wants to live without any expectations from you. You are letting her work through her own problems without getting involved emotionally. It's also to protect you - to help keep you grounded in a sea of chaos. Cadet's welcome thread goes over it better than I can explain it here.

Another thing that is very important is to extend your timeline. A lot. If you are thinking in days or weeks, think months or even possibly years before things may (perhaps) start to come around. I've been in my sit for 11 months now, others have been for much longer than myself.

At some point you will get to the place where you realize that you don't NEED your W around, but you would LIKE it if she would choose to be with you. you might change and do everything possible to be a better person and she might still walk. We can't conrol other people's behavior. All we can do is be the best that we possibly can and hope they see it.
Originally Posted by Leo22

I have a neighbor who she told last week about my sitch. They finally talked to me yesterday when W wasn't home because I was walking my dogs to keep busy and they were sitting on the porch. They talked to me for about a good hour. They are both older couple, retired. But it is good to know that they don't approve my W behavior. When W told them about it, my neighbors ask for her to try and work it out, give him another chance - tried to talk some sense into her. They said she was stone cold, a confident "No, I'm done with him." But just having them talk to me about it and telling me what she is doing is wrong felt good. They also let me know they have a spare bedroom if I ever needed it.

It's good they offered you a place to stay - that's peace of mind. Just don't expect them to change her mind. For right now that's how she is thinking.
Quote

I think I can take on meditating. It seems calming and peaceful. I am willing to do anything that will keep my mind busy. I try my hardest to realize that she is not having the same feelings as I am but I am still in a bit of denial and it comes and bite me in my rear hard.

Don't worry if you "mess up". It takes a bit to get used to this weird world of counterintuition. But you'll get the hang of it. It takes a loooooooooooooot of patience.
Quote

I've been going to IC for a couple years now for treatment from the military. It helps out a lot to have a lending ear and vent out everything. Probably because I am also on medication.

Thanks for the words of encouragement!


Yeah IC has helped me a lot with the PTSD. I needed it a long time ago but better late than never.

You bet -
Stay strong:)
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 07/23/19 01:59 PM
Its been a little over about a month and a half since my sitch. I don't get my current state of my W. She was cold as ice this morning. Didn't say a word to me this morning at the house before leaving to work, no good morning or acknowledgement of any sort. Than when I get to work, she calls me roughly 30 minutes later and sounds all perky and talked for a few minutes. Its been like this for 2-3 weeks now, a vicious cycle. Thankfully, she will be gone for 5 days this week camping with my "Aunt" and I believe some of her friends. Like I mentioned earlier, I don't know if their is any types of affair going on but I have this nasty gut feeling. Than the second week of August, she is moving out. I think this will make it easier on me when I don't see her everyday. I mean that is what I tell myself, but I guess I have to see when the time comes.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Lost - 07/23/19 02:10 PM
FOCUS ON YOURSELF!!

Every post is about her.

So what are your plans? GAL plans?? How are your 180s coming?

You need to detach and get out of this unhealthy codependency or you will be emotionally crippled for life.
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 07/25/19 02:14 PM
Originally Posted by Steve85
FOCUS ON YOURSELF!!

Every post is about her.

So what are your plans? GAL plans?? How are your 180s coming?

You need to detach and get out of this unhealthy codependency or you will be emotionally crippled for life.


I need to start more on that Steve. The wounds are so fresh still that its difficult at the moment. I have my good and bad days. Some days I am just happy and upbeat and than comes the thunder the next day. Its crazy. The only plan I have this week is going to see a movie Friday night with my D. Than Saturday she is actually going to have a sleepover at a friends house so I have Saturday night and Sunday to myself. No plans yet but need to figure out something to keep busy besides the gym and walking my dogs. My 180s are coming, I give her small compliments here and there. I am more mellow and calm, I walk away when I feel she is baiting me into an argument after telling her calmly that I don't want to talk about it at the moment. Before she use to hook me into arguments all the time. It usually ends with us ignoring each other for a day or so. I don't initiate contact unless she does it first. Just small baby steps at the moment.
Overall, she seems more friendly towards me that's about the only thing.
Posted By: ovrrnbw Re: Lost - 07/25/19 02:48 PM
Originally Posted by Leo22
Its been a little over about a month and a half since my sitch. I don't get my current state of my W. She was cold as ice this morning. Didn't say a word to me this morning at the house before leaving to work, no good morning or acknowledgement of any sort. Than when I get to work, she calls me roughly 30 minutes later and sounds all perky and talked for a few minutes. Its been like this for 2-3 weeks now, a vicious cycle. Thankfully, she will be gone for 5 days this week camping with my "Aunt" and I believe some of her friends. Like I mentioned earlier, I don't know if their is any types of affair going on but I have this nasty gut feeling. Than the second week of August, she is moving out. I think this will make it easier on me when I don't see her everyday. I mean that is what I tell myself, but I guess I have to see when the time comes.

Try not to worry about her. Don't give her actions control over your attitude, thoughts, and feelings. It truly works this way. Attitude ---- thoughts ---- feelings. You have power over your emotions, you have the power to be happy!

And I would trust your gut. 99.9% of the situations here involve an affair. I'd stop answering her calls for a bit. Maybe text back a couple hours later and say "Missed your call, what's up?". Sometimes don't bother to call back. And every once in a while maybe you answer but act like you just walked out of somewhere and make the call quick, with you ending it first. She is moving out, which means she doesn't want to be around you, so SHOW her that she doesn't get you when she wants you.

It will be easier when you don't see her everyday. I'd make yourself much less available to her in the meantime.
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 07/25/19 03:14 PM
Quote
Try not to worry about her. Don't give her actions control over your attitude, thoughts, and feelings. It truly works this way. Attitude ---- thoughts ---- feelings. You have power over your emotions, you have the power to be happy!

And I would trust your gut. 99.9% of the situations here involve an affair. I'd stop answering her calls for a bit. Maybe text back a couple hours later and say "Missed your call, what's up?". Sometimes don't bother to call back. And every once in a while maybe you answer but act like you just walked out of somewhere and make the call quick, with you ending it first. She is moving out, which means she doesn't want to be around you, so SHOW her that she doesn't get you when she wants you.

It will be easier when you don't see her everyday. I'd make yourself much less available to her in the meantime.


Its just weird that when I think about it. Before the BD, most the time I didn't care what she did or whereabouts - now the news break and I'm running around like a chicken with my head off. I need to get my confidence back up to where I respect myself. I also would like to get my social life back and spend more time with my D. We didn't have to much of a social life before - more home bodied folks. I have a lot of military friends who come and go and we always sort of pick friends we'd like to hang out with due to trying to stay drama free. Now most of them are gone. I almost feel like the new kid at school who is trying to find new friends to hang out with. Lately I met a few people at late night rooftop hang out food spots, which is pretty chill and relaxing. I will most likely go do that Saturday night.

I will trying my best about responding later if not emergency about text messaging and not picking up every call. But I still get suckered in somehow when she wants to be in the same vicinity as me. Like you mentioned, I need to be more unavailable when she tries to reach me. Its hard to GAL on the weekdays, it just usually consist of work & gym than whatever errands I got afterwards. I try to stay busy for the most part so my mind doesn't wonder.
Posted By: unchien Re: Lost - 07/25/19 03:29 PM
ovr gave you great advice on the text/phone -- randomize your response time. Sometimes wait a long time, sometimes don't. It is mysterious. The idea is not to go completely cold, just respond like you would to a friend or a neighbor. If it's not urgent, no need to respond urgently.

What can you do to have more time with your D?

GAL is not a competition, don't feel like you need to be doing "more" GAL necessarily. If all you have time for during the week is gym, that is the #1 recommended GAL activity for men (it seems). Being more social I think is excellent GAL - gets you talking to other people, gives you perspective on life.

Meditation is really hard to dive into in the middle of a sitch, because our minds are ping-ponging around in fight or flight mode. But if you can do it... it truly helps a ton. I cannot recommend it enough, it just takes a lot of perseverance because for a long time it feels pointless, frustrating, and you can't measure progress. But over time, if you stick to it, you will understand your emotions better, be able to handle the intensity of the anxiety and worry and sadness without relying on other coping mechanisms... it's just good stuff. I use a meditation app on my phone -- I prefer the guided meditations because silent meditation is virtually impossible for me to do without going crazy.
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 07/25/19 05:46 PM
Originally Posted by unchien
ovr gave you great advice on the text/phone -- randomize your response time. Sometimes wait a long time, sometimes don't. It is mysterious. The idea is not to go completely cold, just respond like you would to a friend or a neighbor. If it's not urgent, no need to respond urgently.

What can you do to have more time with your D?

GAL is not a competition, don't feel like you need to be doing "more" GAL necessarily. If all you have time for during the week is gym, that is the #1 recommended GAL activity for men (it seems). Being more social I think is excellent GAL - gets you talking to other people, gives you perspective on life.

Meditation is really hard to dive into in the middle of a sitch, because our minds are ping-ponging around in fight or flight mode. But if you can do it... it truly helps a ton. I cannot recommend it enough, it just takes a lot of perseverance because for a long time it feels pointless, frustrating, and you can't measure progress. But over time, if you stick to it, you will understand your emotions better, be able to handle the intensity of the anxiety and worry and sadness without relying on other coping mechanisms... it's just good stuff. I use a meditation app on my phone -- I prefer the guided meditations because silent meditation is virtually impossible for me to do without going crazy.




As time with my D I have her until Sunday to myself because W is gone on a trip. well not really, I agreed that she can have a sleep over at her friends house this weekend, she'll be gone Saturday morning because they have planned a full day of events. But On the weekdays we just hang out at the house or go grab a bite somewhere she likes. Monday we went to the movies and enjoyed a bunch of unhealthy snacks, haha.

Sometimes I think to myself I GAL for the wrong reasons. I just want to get away, even if I have nothing planned - I go on drives sometimes just to clear my head. I been going to the gym religiously for the past 4-5 years, roughly 5 days a week but since this BD beginning of June - I lost the drive but slowly picking myself back up. I lost over 10 pounds, lightest I weighed in forever.

Its definitely a learning experience to just go out and socialize with random people again. Its been years since I was doing that, it feels different - but I definitely enjoy meeting new people just to hang out with.

I tried meditation a few times due to my C advise to do so. During my time in the service, I lost touch of myself. I developed some issues and my C had me install an app on my phone to help with breathing techniques to calm me down and such but I didn't stick with it long enough. Supposed to help me diffuse situations and think with a clear head. I will give it another try.
Posted By: unchien Re: Lost - 07/25/19 06:33 PM
If focusing on breathing doesn’t work there’s all sorts of different ways to meditate. Again I like the app because it has all kinds of stuff. Unguided, breathing, falling asleep, relationships, emotions, stress. There’s even one on how to deal with a holes. It is hilarious. Just saying meditation is kinda hard to get into but when you find something that clicks for you it is fantastic. Your IC recommended one of a thousand techniques.
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Lost - 07/25/19 06:36 PM
Quote
Quote
Originally Posted by Steve85
Is there any chance that your aunt and her are lesbians?


I don't believe so. She did experiment with other females before we go married but nothing since. Its more of a distant aunt, I don't know if she is going over there to possibly see the OM - I just have no way of proving it. A part of me wants to know for sure but another don't want to know about it at all. I'm just so confused at the moment.


Did you just think her lesbian appetite would never reappear? Are you okay with an open MR, as long as it doesn't involve other men?

I'm going to cut to the chase here, Leo. There is something seriously going on here. If you married her, knowing she had been sexual with other women.......doesn't a red flag go up when your W's behavior & interactions practically changes overnight and she starts talking about how you neglected her, yada, yada, yada? She's rewriting the marital history, to find some sort of justification for her new love interest (male or female). The sudden coldness, secretiveness, the rush to S/D, etc., draws a clear picture of a woman who has no intentions or desire to continue this MR, and who has a secret agenda.

She is spending every weekend with another woman. How well do you know this "distant aunt"? I don't think your W has suddenly started spending so much "private" video time & phone chat......not to mention EVERY weekend with auntie to get advice on how to save her M!! They are either having an inappropriate relationship or your aunt is acting as a cover and enabler for your W's indiscretions. Either way, it sounds as if auntie is not a healthy influence for this M.

If you don't know where you draw the line in the marital sand, I suggest you do some self evaluation. She has emotionally, sexually, and pretty much physically abandoned the MR & family. She has compromised the values & integrity of the M......and it sounds as if she is eager to throw it away. Therefore, start with the standards, spiritual beliefs, principles, in which Leo lives his life. If you don't know where you draw the line, then you will be tossed about like a leaf in a windstorm.

People come here seeking help & hope. The first thing we usually tell a newcomer is to breathe, stop panicking, stop over-focusing on their spouse, and develop a plan. Your W appears to be wayward, and probably involved in an affair of some type. Is that a deal-breaker for you?

You will not be able to talk her back into the MR. That's one reason we discourage relationship talks, b/c it doesn't change her mind. I'd dare say all the things you "want" to do to draw her back is the wrong action. You may feel very distraught, and those feelings want to dictate that you do something fast, before you lose her. Here's the thing, Leo, she's already gone. Is there a chance for future together? I don't know, to be quite honest. A lot depends on how you handle yourself as a man who respects himself and the institution of marriage. You cannot show fear of losing her. You can't go wimpy. Determine now that you are going to take care of you and your daughter, and that you will be okay.......regardless of what your W chooses to do with her life.

Maybe this is far from what you wanted to hear. Listen, this situation is going to get a lot worse before it gets better, so brace yourself. Gear up by reading the homework assignments Cadet posted.

Whenever a W is wayward and has dropped the bomb on her H, it's not going to snap back. One reason is b/c most LBH's won't take the advice from the board, and he runs with his emotions. The other reason is b/c your W didn't get here overnight, and whatever is driving her actions runs deeper than you are ready to believe. You want to fix the problem, but it's not that simple. You can't fix her.

So, she's fired you as her husband. I'd suggest you discipline yourself to stop playing the role of her doting husband, and stop treating her as if she's still your loving and devoted wife.
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 07/25/19 07:32 PM
Quote
Did you just think her lesbian appetite would never reappear? Are you okay with an open MR, as long as it doesn't involve other men?


It never crossed my mind before. I am definitely not okay with an open MR, male or female.

Quote
I'm going to cut to the chase here, Leo. There is something seriously going on here. If you married her, knowing she had been sexual with other women.......doesn't a red flag go up when your W's behavior & interactions practically changes overnight and she starts talking about how you neglected her, yada, yada, yada? She's rewriting the marital history, to find some sort of justification for her new love interest (male or female). The sudden coldness, secretiveness, the rush to S/D, etc., draws a clear picture of a woman who has no intentions or desire to continue this MR, and who has a secret agenda.


A red flag went up when 10+ years of marriage went down the drain. How I supposedly emotionally neglected her and how we always get into arguments. When I responded how come you never confronted me about you being neglected? Her answer, “I did and tried but all you did was call me names and yell.” She never confronted me about being emotionally neglected but I guess I am supposed to be able to read her mind since I been with her for a while. Another male/or female definitely popped in my mind since she carried her phone everywhere she goes now and very secretive about it. Not sure if you ran through my post where I walked downstairs and she was video chatting with ear buds on and immediately flipped down the phone when she saw me. I asked who you talking too? Her response, your Aunt but she hung up when she heard your voice. During that time, I didn’t believe it at all but I also didn’t want to say prove it and let me see that it was my Aunt. Honestly, I didn’t want to know – maybe I am still in denial.

Quote
She is spending every weekend with another woman. How well do you know this "distant aunt"? I don't think your W has suddenly started spending so much "private" video time & phone chat......not to mention EVERY weekend with auntie to get advice on how to save her M!! They are either having an inappropriate relationship or your aunt is acting as a cover and enabler for your W's indiscretions. Either way, it sounds as if auntie is not a healthy influence for this M.


I don’t know my distant aunt very well but she is married. Maybe they are swingers, I honestly couldn’t say. I just know like you mentioned whether it’s an R with my Aunt or not, she is letting it happen because she knows about our sitch, W told her. I think is covering for her but so many scenarios is playing with my head, I just have no way of proving it.

Quote
If you don't know where you draw the line in the marital sand, I suggest you do some self evaluation. She has emotionally, sexually, and pretty much physically abandoned the MR & family. She has compromised the values & integrity of the M......and it sounds as if she is eager to throw it away. Therefore, start with the standards, spiritual beliefs, principles, in which Leo lives his life. If you don't know where you draw the line, then you will be tossed about like a leaf in a windstorm.


Quote
People come here seeking help & hope. The first thing we usually tell a newcomer is to breathe, stop panicking, stop over-focusing on their spouse, and develop a plan. Your W appears to be wayward, and probably involved in an affair of some type. Is that a deal-breaker for you?


This is draining me emotionally and physically – it’s only been since beginning of June. Not even that long now that I think about it but feels like forever. I hold my values very high, I will not date or see other females until this is final. When it is signed, black and white. An affair is most definitely a deal breaker for me, but I have no way of proving it. I don’t want to ask for her phone or anything. But her moving into an apartment in roughly over 2 weeks to getting her own phone line, it messes with what’s playing in my head. If she is just high on life and not involved in an affair of any sort I’ll do my best to try and get this to work. Even though I know, I have to work on myself and not able to change her. I know it’s up to her to change. If I know for sure about an affair, I will sign the dotted lines right now.

Quote
You will not be able to talk her back into the MR. That's one reason we discourage relationship talks, b/c it doesn't change her mind. I'd dare say all the things you "want" to do to draw her back is the wrong action. You may feel very distraught, and those feelings want to dictate that you do something fast, before you lose her. Here's the thing, Leo, she's already gone. Is there a chance for future together? I don't know, to be quite honest. A lot depends on how you handle yourself as a man who respects himself and the institution of marriage. You cannot show fear of losing her. You can't go wimpy. Determine now that you are going to take care of you and your daughter, and that you will be okay.......regardless of what your W chooses to do with her life.


That is where I messed up. When the BD, I begged, cried, plea, asked for reassurance and everything else that I wasn’t supposed to do. I probably looked like a total fool to her. She cried, but I know those weren’t tears because of me. I was trying to quick fix everything because I couldn’t understand how my world flipped upside down in an instant, even though she claims it’s been bottled up for years. I realize that she is gone but it’s difficult to accept it at the moment because it’s so fresh. I am definitely getting better. I try to pep talk myself a lot…like “I deserve better or why should I work so hard to make this work with someone who doesn’t love me anymore or you can do much better.”

I read a few quote that I really like and helped me think positive, here are some that helps me get through my day at times.
“I want someone in my life who knows I’m not perfect, who knows I’ll make mistakes, who knows I’ll my best and still want me in their life no matter what.”
“I believe that every single person has to go through something that completely destroys them in order to figure out who they really are.”
“You can’t control everything. Sometimes you just need to relax and have faith that things will work out. Let go a little and let life happen.”


Quote
Maybe this is far from what you wanted to hear. Listen, this situation is going to get a lot worse before it gets better, so brace yourself. Gear up by reading the homework assignments Cadet posted.


Quote
Whenever a W is wayward and has dropped the bomb on her H, it's not going to snap back. One reason is b/c most LBH's won't take the advice from the board, and he runs with his emotions. The other reason is b/c your W didn't get here overnight, and whatever is driving her actions runs deeper than you are ready to believe. You want to fix the problem, but it's not that simple. You can't fix her.


Quote
So, she's fired you as her husband. I'd suggest you discipline yourself to stop playing the role of her doting husband, and stop treating her as if she's still your loving and devoted wife.


This is definitely what I needed to hear. I actually sometimes think I don’t know what I am scared of, maybe loneliness, maybe I won’t find another person that loves me, maybe just scared to venture out into this new world, so many thing comes to mind. I admit my emotions were taking me for a sprint the first 2-3 weeks, now I have gotten better at it but I find myself still looking for quick fixes on how she reacts to thing when I know I am just over analyzing. The hard part is to stop treated her as my devoted wife who I know is strung in her own fantasy world. I know I need to work on myself and my D, I get the wheel turning but it just stays in first gear and maybe shifts to second at times and stalls out. I need to learn how to get pass that, all the way to gear 6.
Thanks for your input Sandi, it means a lot.
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 07/29/19 12:55 PM
Journal:

Been enjoying myself this weekend. Friday took D to the movies and saw "The Lion King" than went for ice cream afterwards. Saturday, I took her to a friends house for a slumber party, she was looking forward to that all week. She probably reminded my 30,000 times about it, haha. So basically had all day Saturday to myself. I went out and caught up with old friends - we went out to eat and just chit chat about everyday life. It was quite enjoyable. As I haven't just gone out and chill with friends like that in a while.

Than spouse comes home Sunday night from trip. We probably said less than 5 words to each other. I already accepted that this is over and not initiating any contact text/calls, etc - so it didn't bother me much at all like it use to several weeks ago. I'm just trying to improve myself for the time being - building my social life again, rebuilding on the confidence that I use to have, finding new hobbies that would interest me - I think I may try yoga. I been weightlifting for roughly 4-5 years and that helps me a lot with just everyday life. This year I am planning to take my D to visit my family who I haven't seen in roughly 3-4 years. I am looking forward to that, most like around the holiday - probably Thanksgiving.

Thanks all for the advice and feedbacks that you all have given me. I appreciate it very much.

Hope you all have a good day!
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 08/01/19 11:52 AM
Update:

She moved out Monday evening, roughly 2 weeks earlier than planned. In all honesty, not seeing her in the house daily makes it much easier getting through the day. I am not going to say that I don't miss her but the detachment is coming along. The one thing that is driving me crazy is my sex drive but I am not going to go out and take care of that, its a moral thing for me - even though we are technically separated I don't feel right until I receive the final paperwork. I am still going to IC, I talk to them on a weekly basis as of now but will be changing it to bi weekly.

I am going to GAL with a couple friends this weekend, looking forward to that. My D is going to spend the weekend with her, so I have the house to myself. I am also going to change the set up of the house. Its going to be a nice change. I am finally realizing what everyone has been saying, that I need to change for myself, not for anyone else because I can't change how she feels at the moment nor I want to think what's going on in her head. I am going to take this journey alone, if she wants to walk with me in the coming future than I am okay with it but if not that is not going to stop me anymore.
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 08/05/19 10:34 AM
Update: (more of me venting)

I'm hurt badly, emotionally and physically. Found out 100% that she is already having a PA daily at my "aunts" house with her husband brother. I was actually ok with going through the divorce cordially. WW told me she had respect for me and such just no love for me anymore but I guess not. I knew all those sneaky behaviors such as snapchat 24/7, video chatting with ear buds and hanging up right when she saw me, quick to get her own cell line, pushed for a fast divorce because she wanted to move on, shaved down there all the time. This kills me so bad and to find this out from my own D is horrible. She couldn't wait for the divorce to be final, she just had to sleep with OM already. I wish I didnt find out now. I just cant fathom that she met this guy about mid June and we have been married for over 10 years and throw our marriage away like it's nothing. This hurts so bad right now.
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Lost - 08/05/19 02:10 PM
So sorry, Leo. ((hugs))
Posted By: neffer Re: Lost - 08/05/19 02:16 PM
Stay strong there Leo. It´s all about you and your D now. You need to get your respect back.

Keep GAL, detach and focus on yourself.

I´m sorry man.

(((Leo)))
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: Lost - 08/05/19 02:21 PM
So sorry Leo. It is amazing how quickly some people move on. It is so they don’t have to face themselves and the consequences of the choices they made / are making. She is in the throws of infatuation and new “love”... it is a powerful drug that LBS can’t really compete with, I’m afraid. It will fade. It always does. I know that doesn’t help you right now but just keep working on you and know that you will not feel this way a year from now....or even six months. The hurt fades eventually and you start to see new possibilities in this new reality that you did not ask for. Know that you are not alone... we are all right there with you. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: Destroyd Re: Lost - 08/05/19 02:49 PM
Leo, I am so sorry that you are going through this. You don't deserve this; you deserve to be loved and treated with respect. You will be in my prayers.
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 08/05/19 03:37 PM
Originally Posted by sandi2
So sorry, Leo. ((hugs))


I'm just so hurt right now I don't know what to do. I called a friend last night and he actually stayed until 3am just talking to me, helped out some. I just feel so betrayed after her telling me she respected me and all during the divorce talk. Obviously she doesn't. I had to confront her about it and she finally admitted to sleeping with him during the camping trip and that they been cuddling in bed at my "aunts" house. I was like people just don't cuddle in bed.


Originally Posted by neffer
Stay strong there Leo. It´s all about you and your D now. You need to get your respect back.

Keep GAL, detach and focus on yourself.

I´m sorry man.

(((Leo)))


Thanks Neffer. I am trying, like I mentioned earlier I was actually doing alright and fine with going through with the divorce. But when I found out this weekend that she is already sleeping with another dude, that drove the dagger deep.


Originally Posted by DejaVu6
So sorry Leo. It is amazing how quickly some people move on. It is so they don’t have to face themselves and the consequences of the choices they made / are making. She is in the throws of infatuation and new “love”... it is a powerful drug that LBS can’t really compete with, I’m afraid. It will fade. It always does. I know that doesn’t help you right now but just keep working on you and know that you will not feel this way a year from now....or even six months. The hurt fades eventually and you start to see new possibilities in this new reality that you did not ask for. Know that you are not alone... we are all right there with you. (((HUGS)))


I still try to make sense of all of this. On how someone can move on from a marriage so quickly, she claimed that she couldn't help it - it just happened. When I asked her several weeks ago, why do you want to file so quickly. She mentioned I just have no feelings for you and its not coming back. I want to move on and if I find another person in the future I don't want it to hold me back. All along she had this OM already. I know it is selfish, but I hope this new found love for her fade. I had to take off work today because I was so hurt but finding this out this weekend.
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 08/05/19 03:38 PM
Originally Posted by Destroyd
Leo, I am so sorry that you are going through this. You don't deserve this; you deserve to be loved and treated with respect. You will be in my prayers.


Thanks Destroyd. No one deserves to go through this, I don't wish this upon anyone.
Posted By: NicoleR Re: Lost - 08/05/19 05:31 PM
Hi Leo,

I'm so sorry to read your update. I've been through this and I acutely remember being in exactly the stage that you're in now. I don't know how they can throw it all away for someone they just met. I guess they'd been on auto pilot or unhappy for a long time without communicating their true feelings. Marriages can overcome infidelity but it's a lot harder when you're faced with divorce. If it's any consolation, my husband wanted an immediate divorce and here we are, two years later, still not divorced (but separated and his affair partner lives with him). You can't exactly anticipate what will happen but life will never be the same. It takes a while just to absorb the shock.
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 08/05/19 10:01 PM
Originally Posted by NicoleR
Hi Leo,

I'm so sorry to read your update. I've been through this and I acutely remember being in exactly the stage that you're in now. I don't know how they can throw it all away for someone they just met. I guess they'd been on auto pilot or unhappy for a long time without communicating their true feelings. Marriages can overcome infidelity but it's a lot harder when you're faced with divorce. If it's any consolation, my husband wanted an immediate divorce and here we are, two years later, still not divorced (but separated and his affair partner lives with him). You can't exactly anticipate what will happen but life will never be the same. It takes a while just to absorb the shock.


It just boggles my mind how she can throw away the marraige for someone she just met. My guess is the new fire, adventure she feels, the excitement, etc. My WW wants a divorce and she wanted it quick, now I know why - she wants to spend time with this OM. The messed up part is she took my D school shopping yesterday and I guess the OM and his kid was with them. Before I knew about the PA, I agreed to pick up my D 20 minutes away - come to find out when I picked my D up the OM and his kid was across the street at a store and WW would go back to be with them afterwards. This is so messed up. Life isn't the same, even if down the road she wanted to reconcile - I dont think I can after she lied to my face multiple times about the OM especially laying in bed with him every night. It's the ultimate betrayal for me.

This was definitely a curve ball. I had a sense of the PA but didnt want to believe it. I will try to continute to GAL, care for D and try to enjoy life as much as I can. Thanks all.
Posted By: SoTorn Re: Lost - 08/05/19 11:02 PM
It hurts bad when your WS absolutely sh*ts on your vows and has no remorse. My EXWW did the same thing. Once I confirmed her PA she tried to lie her way out of it and eventually just didnt care that I knew.

Honestly that helped me drop the rope. It gave me a new perspective. Why would I want to sit in limbo waiting for someone that not only hurt me badly on purpose with emotional abuse, but also had a PA and had zero remorse about it.

I moved on. Now im moved out, D is final and I have an amazing GF that treats me like a king. I can actually thank my EXWW for showing me that I can do much better and giving me the time to better myself and find a much better woman.
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 08/06/19 02:53 AM
Originally Posted by SoTorn
It hurts bad when your WS absolutely sh*ts on your vows and has no remorse. My EXWW did the same thing. Once I confirmed her PA she tried to lie her way out of it and eventually just didnt care that I knew.

Honestly that helped me drop the rope. It gave me a new perspective. Why would I want to sit in limbo waiting for someone that not only hurt me badly on purpose with emotional abuse, but also had a PA and had zero remorse about it.

I moved on. Now im moved out, D is final and I have an amazing GF that treats me like a king. I can actually thank my EXWW for showing me that I can do much better and giving me the time to better myself and find a much better woman.


It does Sotorn. When she finally admitted about sleeping with OM and all the other things holding each other, kissing, cuddling, etc - she had zero emotions on her face, no remorse what so ever. She even tried to blame her actions on me. She is crazy. I am definitely not waiting for her to come back but it's hard to just drop the feelings I have for her. I really hope me telling her I never want to see her again, dont come by the house, dont talk to me actually gets her to not contact me - I am disgusted by her behavior. Even though it hurts, not having her around would be much better.

I am so glad everything worked out for the best SoTorn. I am genuinely happy that for you. You are right, i can do much better than try to work on a relationship with a person that is having a PA and not sorry one bit. That is the cut off line for me.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Lost - 08/06/19 07:06 PM
Leo, try not to struggle to make sense of it, because it doesn't make sense and it will never make sense. My XW had an OM that was a good 15 years younger, had a great job and a nice house. His wife left him and he was sad and depressed and in swooped my XW to save the day. I think she just wanted to feel "needed". I thought we had a healthy marriage because I had my independence and gave her hers as well, and we came together as a family too but in the end the lure of caring for someone needy was too great for her. I was helping XW run an errand over the weekend and she mentioned OM and I asked how he was doing (she had told me before he struggled with mental health issues). She rolled her eyes and said he has completely fallen apart. Lost his job, too depressed to find another, doesn't take care of himself or his house anymore, blah blah blah. What I am saying is your W is attracted to OM for all the wrong reasons. He's in an affair with a married woman, what does that say about him? And she is married and having an affair, what does that say about her. They're both train wrecks and two train wrecks do not come together and form a wholesome relationship.

Detach. Leave her to the mess she's making. Focus on being the best Leo possible.

Quote
I just feel so betrayed after her telling me she respected me and all during the divorce talk. Obviously she doesn't. I had to confront her about it and she finally admitted to sleeping with him during the camping trip and that they been cuddling in bed at my "aunts" house. I was like people just don't cuddle in bed.


Lying cheaters will tell small bits of truth to cover a bigger lie. She got caught so she's offering a snippet of truth to try and throw you off the trail. You are correct, they are not just cuddling. This isn't a question of respect though. She can behave like this and still respect you. In fact her respect for you probably makes her feel like trash. So don't try to throw her under the bus, because she'll do that to herself and will feel way worse because of it.
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 08/06/19 09:46 PM
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Leo, try not to struggle to make sense of it, because it doesn't make sense and it will never make sense. My XW had an OM that was a good 15 years younger, had a great job and a nice house. His wife left him and he was sad and depressed and in swooped my XW to save the day. I think she just wanted to feel "needed". I thought we had a healthy marriage because I had my independence and gave her hers as well, and we came together as a family too but in the end the lure of caring for someone needy was too great for her. I was helping XW run an errand over the weekend and she mentioned OM and I asked how he was doing (she had told me before he struggled with mental health issues). She rolled her eyes and said he has completely fallen apart. Lost his job, too depressed to find another, doesn't take care of himself or his house anymore, blah blah blah. What I am saying is your W is attracted to OM for all the wrong reasons. He's in an affair with a married woman, what does that say about him? And she is married and having an affair, what does that say about her. They're both train wrecks and two train wrecks do not come together and form a wholesome relationship.

Detach. Leave her to the mess she's making. Focus on being the best Leo possible.

Lying cheaters will tell small bits of truth to cover a bigger lie. She got caught so she's offering a snippet of truth to try and throw you off the trail. You are correct, they are not just cuddling. This isn't a question of respect though. She can behave like this and still respect you. In fact her respect for you probably makes her feel like trash. So don't try to throw her under the bus, because she'll do that to herself and will feel way worse because of it.



I'd like to think we had a healthy marriage for the most part. Every couple argue and have moments, the reason she told me the ILYBNILWY was because she said I neglected her emotionally so long that she lost feelings for me. I tried talking some sense into her before this OM came in the picture but no luck. She said she is over it and doesn't want to try. Like you mention, I think its because this OM, gave her the attention she is wanting that she fell head over heels for him. Yes, I agree they both are train wrecks. I don't know if this is selfish or not, but I don't want this train wreck to last - I want her to feel the pain that I am going through. When I confronted her about this OM, she denied it for a while until she told confessed and than mentioned I can't help that I have feelings for him. Like you mentioned though, he is messing with a married woman and that says a lot about him. I told her that he is probably just trying to get in your pants, that he is probably feeling a sense of accomplishment for being able to do so as a single guy. But she wouldn't listen and said he is different.

I am trying to detach. I was doing pretty good until this PA came into light because I never ever thought in a million years she would do this to me, even if we are going through the D that was the last thing in my head. I guess I kind of had a sense but didn't want to believe it at the moment.
Posted By: LB55 Re: Lost - 08/06/19 10:23 PM
Originally Posted by Leo22

I don't know if this is selfish or not, but I don't want this train wreck to last - I want her to feel the pain that I am going through.


This is really tough for you Leo, I hate reading this stuff; its very painful and I am sorry that you're here and going through all of this. I don't know if my W is in any sort of affair. finding out she is would hurt, but I am not going to go looking or quizzing because it won't do me any good.

I wanted for a long time for her to hurt like me, I suspect that is a pretty common feeling amongst the LBS crowd. I was quite angry and very hurt and just wanted to shake her until she woke up. Even if the train wreck ended, she wouldn't hurt like you because I just can't imagine its the same feeling of loss when it is an AP vice your spouse. That is just me speculating.

Originally Posted by Leo22

I am trying to detach. I was doing pretty good until this PA came into light because I never ever thought in a million years she would do this to me, even if we are going through the D that was the last thing in my head. I guess I kind of had a sense but didn't want to believe it at the moment.


This is a tough thing and very hurtful and frustrating. The victim mentality is tough to work through, I had it for quite a while too. She made a choice that you don't like, but she didn't "do this to you". I prefer to think she is doing this to herself, and while the enjoyment is great right now it likely won't last. I take solace in that and I work on improving myself with this opportunity I've been given. Put myself in the best position to take action and decide what I want going forward with or without W. That is all I can do.

It was very hard for me to want to get out and GAL, but it certainly helps to distract a person from what is going on. I'd encourage you to get out with some friends and have a burger, go bowling, sing karaoke, whatever it is that you enjoy doing. Try to lay off the alcohol, that really keeps you down in the dumps. Get exercise because it will help you sleep and its good for your brain and body.
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 08/07/19 03:23 AM
Quote
This is really tough for you Leo, I hate reading this stuff; its very painful and I am sorry that you're here and going through all of this. I don't know if my W is in any sort of affair. finding out she is would hurt, but I am not going to go looking or quizzing because it won't do me any good.

I wanted for a long time for her to hurt like me, I suspect that is a pretty common feeling amongst the LBS crowd. I was quite angry and very hurt and just wanted to shake her until she woke up. Even if the train wreck ended, she wouldn't hurt like you because I just can't imagine its the same feeling of loss when it is an AP vice your spouse. That is just me speculating.


LB55 - I didn't want to believe she was in an affair because I knew it would be the sprinkle on the cake that drives my emotions back up. Before moving out, she just showed so many red flags actions that I knew it was possible but didn't want to believe it. Even though I knew it would hurt me badly, I wanted to know for closure and that was basically a line she crossed for me that I would not take her back. Even though the train wreck ending might not be the same hurt as I probably feel, I hope it opens her eyes on what she has done especially splitting the family apart. Who knows, my WW seems pretty attached to this AP, so might just hurt a lot as she has taken into consideration that our 10+ years of marriage is basically garbage from what I can see.

Quote
This is a tough thing and very hurtful and frustrating. The victim mentality is tough to work through, I had it for quite a while too. She made a choice that you don't like, but she didn't "do this to you". I prefer to think she is doing this to herself, and while the enjoyment is great right now it likely won't last. I take solace in that and I work on improving myself with this opportunity I've been given. Put myself in the best position to take action and decide what I want going forward with or without W. That is all I can do.

It was very hard for me to want to get out and GAL, but it certainly helps to distract a person from what is going on. I'd encourage you to get out with some friends and have a burger, go bowling, sing karaoke, whatever it is that you enjoy doing. Try to lay off the alcohol, that really keeps you down in the dumps. Get exercise because it will help you sleep and its good for your brain and body.



That's what people been trying to tell me for the most part. How this may just be a fling, new and exciting, fun adventure type deal. I speak to my sister about it because she was a LBS several years ago and that's what happened to her ex. After roughly a year of separating he realized what he done and apologized and begged for her to take him back but she stood her ground and knows she deserved better. I been trying to think this as an opportunity also - I'm not glad that it happened but at least it did while I'm still at my younger days. That's the mentality to have LB55, going forward with or without W but at this point I couldn't take her back either way. I am too disgusted by her PA.

I been just sticking to my routine. Work, gym, than GAL (weekdays usually just involve hanging out with friends whether its chilling or grabbing a bite to eat and catching up). I almost feel like the new kid in school though. I have friends but trying to meet new people is a new experience for me, it feels awkward at first but I'm actually enjoying it.
I need to try and pick up new hobbies, haven't decided on what yet though. Looking for something that is completely different for me. Slowly but surely.
Posted By: LB55 Re: Lost - 08/07/19 04:40 AM
That’s totally your choice too; to be the one to be done and never accept her back. I’m not taking a hard stance right now because I’m not 100% on the affair. She certainly has a ton of the red flags but it’s not my concern right now. I’ll cross that bridge when it reads it’s ugly head. The truth comes out eventually in all of our situations it seems. That’s a trend I’ve seen in my 8 months here. If I find an affair then I’ll have to choose what to do as well. Maybe that’s tomorrow maybe it’s not. Today I made a nice dinner and chased it with some Oreos.
Posted By: gzabetas Re: Lost - 08/07/19 05:24 AM
Hey Leo, sorry to hear about your sitch.
It is very similar to my story, and I am only a few months ahead of you in the process.
Let me tell you that it does get better. And this coming from a man who wanted to swerve his car into the opposite lane.
As hard as it seems right now, there will come a time when you will not think about her all day. Maybe 5 or 10 minutes and maybe not even every day.

All of us wanted to make it work, read the DR book etc. But when we get bomb dropped our wives are already gone. Most of the times anyway. Thats why we need to start detaching immediately. They have a head start on us.

Sounds like there is also an infatuation, limerence with the affair person. Happens as well.
Mine had it. She was moping around the house crying when it fizzled. Cause it usually does fizzle.

Liked AS's reply. Two train wrecks cant make a whole. Very true.

I loved many of the replies here. I will also mention Sandis. She is the vet here. And she also made good points.
The emotional neglect is re-writing history. And if it was so bad, why couldnt they talk to us about it.
They surely have no problem picking fights with us now.

You may get her back one day. But would you want her. After all this disrespect.

My psychologist told me 2 things that I recall.
- Your old wife, the one you knew and loved. She is dead. You can mourn her for a few weeks. But thats it.
Go on with the living. What little time we have left as living beings should be spend with the living, not the dead.
It also rhymes with the WAW being abducted by an alien analogy we hear in this forum.
- One day she will regret it. But it will never be the same.

The second point is true as well. Who would want a person that went to such extremes to disrespect you.

In the end its not about you. We didn't cause this mess. As much as our wive's want to make us believe that.













Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 08/07/19 02:02 PM
Originally Posted by gzabetas
Hey Leo, sorry to hear about your sitch.
It is very similar to my story, and I am only a few months ahead of you in the process.
Let me tell you that it does get better. And this coming from a man who wanted to swerve his car into the opposite lane.
As hard as it seems right now, there will come a time when you will not think about her all day. Maybe 5 or 10 minutes and maybe not even every day.

All of us wanted to make it work, read the DR book etc. But when we get bomb dropped our wives are already gone. Most of the times anyway. Thats why we need to start detaching immediately. They have a head start on us.

Sounds like there is also an infatuation, limerence with the affair person. Happens as well.
Mine had it. She was moping around the house crying when it fizzled. Cause it usually does fizzle.

Liked AS's reply. Two train wrecks cant make a whole. Very true.

I loved many of the replies here. I will also mention Sandis. She is the vet here. And she also made good points.
The emotional neglect is re-writing history. And if it was so bad, why couldnt they talk to us about it.
They surely have no problem picking fights with us now.

You may get her back one day. But would you want her. After all this disrespect.

My psychologist told me 2 things that I recall.
- Your old wife, the one you knew and loved. She is dead. You can mourn her for a few weeks. But thats it.
Go on with the living. What little time we have left as living beings should be spend with the living, not the dead.
It also rhymes with the WAW being abducted by an alien analogy we hear in this forum.
- One day she will regret it. But it will never be the same.

The second point is true as well. Who would want a person that went to such extremes to disrespect you.

In the end its not about you. We didn't cause this mess. As much as our wive's want to make us believe that.



Gzabetas - At this point, I am really trying to convince myself that it will get better and it has little by little. The setback of emotions came back after finding about the PA and that was this past Sunday and I am actually feeling a little better by just keeping busy and hanging out with friends. A friend from the east coast that I talked to pretty consistent actually helped me a lot because he was sort of in the same situation but the biggest difference was that he wasn't married - they were just together for roughly 8 years and never committed. She cheated, he cried/begged/ask for reassurance and everything else, finally he wanted a positive outlook after so many months of spiraling down, and since then he found a new woman who treats him much better, have 2 kids together and looks very happy. The ex got jealous scrolling through his social media page and called him to make subtle clues about how much she misses him and such. The main point he was trying to get me to realize was that I just need to start focusing on my daughter and myself, set goals, and also there are plenty of fish in the sea talk. That my wife has already gone in the deep end and not even thinking about me, just this new fling she is infatuated about.

I am glad you are doing better Gzabetas. I am definitely glad that you didn't swerve into the other lane. I never thought I would go through this but I can now say I feel the pain you are going through. My emotions are crazy, there are times I think about it for only a short period of time and I'm happy than times where I question myself and play the blame game on what I could of done better.

In the future if she ever wanted to come back, I honestly don't know if I can. She is a completely different person from that one I married and she already crossed that boundary with the OM.

I am coming to realize about what you mention, its not about me. I didn't cause this, well maybe contributed a little - just a little. But I was willing to work on it and she didn't, she just walked away just like that. And everything she does at the moment, she blames me for it to validate her actions.

I hope you all are doing well that is reading this. We will get better, we will get through this mess with or without the spouse. Keep your heads up, GAL, stay positive. Thanks everyone for your input/advice.
Posted By: neffer Re: Lost - 08/07/19 04:07 PM
That´s well said. Things that you have to DO now.

Be strong there man!
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 08/08/19 01:25 PM
Originally Posted by neffer
That´s well said. Things that you have to DO now.

Be strong there man!


Thanks Neffer. Even though I do the things for my daughter and I, my mind still wonders off to the situation plenty of times. Its going to take some time, probably a long time to heal from this.
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 08/10/19 03:50 PM
Update:

Yesterday was the first time I saw her in a little over a week because we decided to go get the divorce papers notarized a few weeks back on that day. So its official, turned it and in roughly 2 months I will be officially considered single. We met at a local shop to get the papers done but I am surprised that when I saw her, I looked at her differently - like how disgusted I was with her behavior and the woman I married was no longer present but at the same time I felt the love I still have for her, its hard to describe. It's a bunch of mixed emotions that I feel inside. I honestly don't know if I was scared of losing her, scared to feel lonely, etc - she was my best friend, there for me through my toughest time and vice versa. I would like to think that detachment was going well but I am not going to lie - my mind wonders off a lot of time to think what she is doing, why she did this, how could she do this and it hurts. We don't text personally at all, if any, its business.


As for my daughter and myself. We been spending much more time together, I still have to tell her get off your phone. Kids these days are stuck to their tablets or phone, haha. Currently we are going to have her weekly, but is it wrong of me to not want her to go with my WW because I don't want my D to be around the other guy currently. Yesterday when we met, we were cordial but I told her, "I don't know what is going on with you but whatever respect left you have for our Daughter and myself, don't be affectionate to the OM in front of her." She said she okay, I promise - but she lied so many times already that I don't know what to believe. I can honestly say besides what she has done to me, she is still a good mother and takes good care of our D.


I am still hanging out with friends more than usual, helps out so much by just having their support. They always call or text to check up on my wellbeing and try to keep me positive.


Anyways, I just mainly wanted to give an update that the papers were finally filed as of 8/9/2019.

Thanks everyone. Hope you all have better days ahead.
Posted By: Hallzy9 Re: Lost - 08/10/19 06:25 PM
Wow Leo, that last post was really well said. The part where you wrote about the mixed emotions of seeing her:both disgust and love. I am at a similar point. I still love my W very much, but her current actions and behaviors are alien and are very unattractive to me. Maybe we love our old W who may still be in there somewhere or maybe the old W is gone for good. I guess only time will tell. But let’s not halt our lives to find out. Wishing you the best buddy.
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 08/10/19 07:08 PM
Originally Posted by Hallzy9
Wow Leo, that last post was really well said. The part where you wrote about the mixed emotions of seeing her:both disgust and love. I am at a similar point. I still love my W very much, but her current actions and behaviors are alien and are very unattractive to me. Maybe we love our old W who may still be in there somewhere or maybe the old W is gone for good. I guess only time will tell. But let’s not halt our lives to find out. Wishing you the best buddy.


Yeah my old W would have never done this to me especially cheated while we are going through this mess. She was so faithful, sincere, genuine, etc - I'm trying to drop the rope slowly but I still have some fingers on it that wont let go just yet because I know she is gone, the aliens have abducted her and she is a completely different person. Lately, just been talking more to friends and they play a huge role in supporting me and keeping my head above water. I wish you the best as well Hallzy9. Hope everything works out for the best!
Posted By: SoTorn Re: Lost - 08/10/19 09:18 PM
Originally Posted by Leo22
Update: (more of me venting)

I'm hurt badly, emotionally and physically. Found out 100% that she is already having a PA daily at my "aunts" house with her husband brother. I was actually ok with going through the divorce cordially. WW told me she had respect for me and such just no love for me anymore but I guess not. I knew all those sneaky behaviors such as snapchat 24/7, video chatting with ear buds and hanging up right when she saw me, quick to get her own cell line, pushed for a fast divorce because she wanted to move on, shaved down there all the time. This kills me so bad and to find this out from my own D is horrible. She couldn't wait for the divorce to be final, she just had to sleep with OM already. I wish I didnt find out now. I just cant fathom that she met this guy about mid June and we have been married for over 10 years and throw our marriage away like it's nothing. This hurts so bad right now.


The first thing I noticed my EXWW did in March 2018 was shave down there. I had asked her to do that previously and she wouldnt and then bam one day she did. Huge red flag and I was right about her cheating.

Im sorry you are going through this. You will be ok. I am D now. I found a wonderful and stunningly gorgeous new gf. She treats me like a god. All action and zero talk. Shows me I matter. I feel fortunate that all this pain led me to this woman. There are plenty of fish in the sea and plenty that wont trat you kike garbage.
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 08/12/19 12:06 PM
Quote
The first thing I noticed my EXWW did in March 2018 was shave down there. I had asked her to do that previously and she wouldnt and then bam one day she did. Huge red flag and I was right about her cheating.


Beforehand, she was doing that maybe once every 3-4 weeks but than all of a sudden after this camping trip she got back from. She started going over there every week after the BD but before heading out she would shave all the time, put on makeup, get dressed and stuff, so everything wasn't added up. Too many red flags, and crazy to say my assumption was correct.

Quote
Im sorry you are going through this. You will be ok. I am D now. I found a wonderful and stunningly gorgeous new gf. She treats me like a god. All action and zero talk. Shows me I matter. I feel fortunate that all this pain led me to this woman. There are plenty of fish in the sea and plenty that wont trat you kike garbage.


I tell myself I'll be ok but that's just me trying to stay positive through everything. I mean I'm sure it will just still so fresh and how she moved on so quickly makes it hurt much more especially since we met this past Friday to get the papers notarized and turned it, no signs of remorse or anything - if anything she seemed happier to finally get this done and over with so she can "officially" be with OM.

I am very happy that you found someone that treats you like you should Sotorn, I truly am. And yeah, the pain that you had to bear that led you to this woman is a blessing in disguise. I don't want to go out and find another woman as of now but at the same time, it feels like that is what I am missing - companionship. If another woman does come into my life naturally, I'm definitely not going to fight it though. It's just for the past, 10+ years I had a routine and now this happened - feels like a missing puzzle piece.
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 08/12/19 12:55 PM
Journaling:

As you all may know that is reading this. Friday the papers were filed, in 2 months time I should be officially single. I feel like my detachment is coming along. I noticed I do still think about her from time to time but it just feels different than the first month or 2 that I was dealing with this. A different kind of emotions. I know I haven't fully dropped the rope yet, I still have a few fingers on it but in time it will fall on its own. This weekend, I just mainly hung out with my daughter - didn't do much but spend time together watching TV and watching her do some art edits on the computer. I been neglecting the yard and when I got home Friday, it was mowed. My neighbor is such awesome people, I told them "Thank you, I know you cut my yard. She played it off with a bit but finally admitted to it. Her response, was "That is what good neighbors do, we look out for each other" and she knows what I am going through because her current husband ex wife cheated on him with his best friend. It definitely helps to have all this support, coping with it makes it a bit easier.

Oh yeah, my STBX and I contact with each other is basically non existent - if there is, its about our D, usually a quick text exchange than we go on our marry way.
Posted By: SoTorn Re: Lost - 08/12/19 04:12 PM
Originally Posted by Leo22
Quote
The first thing I noticed my EXWW did in March 2018 was shave down there. I had asked her to do that previously and she wouldnt and then bam one day she did. Huge red flag and I was right about her cheating.


Beforehand, she was doing that maybe once every 3-4 weeks but than all of a sudden after this camping trip she got back from. She started going over there every week after the BD but before heading out she would shave all the time, put on makeup, get dressed and stuff, so everything wasn't added up. Too many red flags, and crazy to say my assumption was correct.

Quote
Im sorry you are going through this. You will be ok. I am D now. I found a wonderful and stunningly gorgeous new gf. She treats me like a god. All action and zero talk. Shows me I matter. I feel fortunate that all this pain led me to this woman. There are plenty of fish in the sea and plenty that wont trat you kike garbage.


I tell myself I'll be ok but that's just me trying to stay positive through everything. I mean I'm sure it will just still so fresh and how she moved on so quickly makes it hurt much more especially since we met this past Friday to get the papers notarized and turned it, no signs of remorse or anything - if anything she seemed happier to finally get this done and over with so she can "officially" be with OM.

I am very happy that you found someone that treats you like you should Sotorn, I truly am. And yeah, the pain that you had to bear that led you to this woman is a blessing in disguise. I don't want to go out and find another woman as of now but at the same time, it feels like that is what I am missing - companionship. If another woman does come into my life naturally, I'm definitely not going to fight it though. It's just for the past, 10+ years I had a routine and now this happened - feels like a missing puzzle piece.


My EXWW dis not show a drop of remorse. If anything she was sorry she was caught and thats it. I advise not to date until you are ready. I honestly wasnt looking for a new relationship. I just wanted to meet new people men and women. My GF went through the same thing and that is how our paths crossed. We ended up meeting with zero intention on dating. Just by chance we ended up a very good match. Shes younger but we have quite a bit in common. Its nice having someone that communicates. Im blown away at what I was dealing with in my MR for no reason. This new relationship really put into perspective how poorly I was treated by my EXWW throughout the entire MR.
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 08/15/19 02:16 PM
Journal:

This week has been a little hard. I felt like I was detaching ok, slowly but surely but a rush of emotions came back. My D started school this week, 6th grader, and for the first time in which seems like forever we were all together again for a 2-3 hours at her school orientation. I guess it made me replay all these good memories we had together of taking our D to school for her first day and how happy we were. Its all hard to take in currently. I thought I was past that point because of how I felt betrayed and I am feeling so confused at this point. It feels like I take 2 steps forward and 5 steps back at times. I guess just us being together in one location brought too much memories but in reality everything is crumbling down.

Thanks for listening, more so, just jotting down what I am feeling currently because you guys understand what I am going through.
Posted By: firemann Re: Lost - 08/15/19 02:57 PM
Leo22 - I just read this thread and it bears a striking resemblence to mine:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2861188#Post2861188

My WW has yet to admit anything more than an EA, though this week, she did get her own phne account and change her #.

Your posts have made me realize, this hasn't just happened to me, that it wasn't all my fault.

I will pray for you and your daughter. God has better days for us both ahead.
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 08/15/19 03:35 PM
Originally Posted by firemann
Leo22 - I just read this thread and it bears a striking resemblence to mine:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2861188#Post2861188

My WW has yet to admit anything more than an EA, though this week, she did get her own phne account and change her #.

Your posts have made me realize, this hasn't just happened to me, that it wasn't all my fault.

I will pray for you and your daughter. God has better days for us both ahead.


Wow, our situation is very similar. When she told me 100% about wanting a divorce, that crushed me also than I found out about the OM, that hurt even more. I wanted to reconcile just like everyone else but she said that she bottled this up for too long and that she had enough. I honestly don't think that is the real reason but I try to stop making sense of any of it because it will just go in circles.

I would like to believe that everything happens for a reason.

I will pray for you and hope for the best.
Posted By: firemann Re: Lost - 08/15/19 03:49 PM
Mine initially cut off all initimacy too right after BD. I went from a husband with an OK sex life, to a friend! We were marriend 16 years and man, it just makes no sense. We havent had a single marital counseling session.

Mine has yet to admit to a PA, but I have strong suspicions that's going on too. I loved the statements on two train wrecks coming together. Limerence doesn't last and what they have together has no foundation.

I've learned so much about the man and husband I want to be going forward. Sounds like you have too!
Posted By: SoTorn Re: Lost - 08/15/19 04:12 PM
Same with my EXWW. She cut off all intimacy on BD. It was so friggin weird watching her act like I was a stranger. She would make sure I never saw her naked or with anything less than a bath robe on. It was like a light switch.

I remember the day my EXWW dedicated herself completely to OM. She flew out to see him under the guise of work. I picked her up from the airport and I tried to hug and kiss her. Man she freaked out like if I were some stranger.

That was before I was DBing and after BD. Then the lies got blatent and the A got very obvious. So I hired a PI and got it all on record. Even with proof she still lied. "I only stayed in his room because he was really sick" suuuurree. Friggin NPD liar. Glad im done with her.
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 08/15/19 05:27 PM
Originally Posted by firemann
Mine initially cut off all initimacy too right after BD. I went from a husband with an OK sex life, to a friend! We were marriend 16 years and man, it just makes no sense. We havent had a single marital counseling session.

Mine has yet to admit to a PA, but I have strong suspicions that's going on too. I loved the statements on two train wrecks coming together. Limerence doesn't last and what they have together has no foundation.

I've learned so much about the man and husband I want to be going forward. Sounds like you have too!


I believe that's how most of us are when the BD happens. Non existent intimacy. My thoughts were the same, I had suspicions but just didn't want to believe it and it turned out to be true.

I am glad you are starting to focus on yourself. Grow to be the person you are, a strong individual with confidence and life continues on with or without the other half. There will be ups and down moments as I thought I was good until we met up for my D orientation but I'll get over it.

Stay busy, pick up new hobbies....I was never into sports really but my friend just invited me to a soccer game, sounds like a lot of fun and never been to one. It will be exciting!

Originally Posted by SoTorn
Same with my EXWW. She cut off all intimacy on BD. It was so friggin weird watching her act like I was a stranger. She would make sure I never saw her naked or with anything less than a bath robe on. It was like a light switch.

I remember the day my EXWW dedicated herself completely to OM. She flew out to see him under the guise of work. I picked her up from the airport and I tried to hug and kiss her. Man she freaked out like if I were some stranger.

That was before I was DBing and after BD. Then the lies got blatent and the A got very obvious. So I hired a PI and got it all on record. Even with proof she still lied. "I only stayed in his room because he was really sick" suuuurree. Friggin NPD liar. Glad im done with her.


Mine was the same SoTorn after the BD. Well, there was a few times I think she got dressed on purpose in front of me to see my reaction. I read it here a lot, the spouse who walks away rewrites history and all they see is the bad, tries to validate everything with the blame game.

Stay strong SoTorn! You got this!
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Lost - 08/16/19 05:26 PM
I wanted to share something another poster wrote recently. His name is Phoenix, whose W is with OM#2. He had never dated anyone before he met his W. He had no friends, and no life outside his marriage. He had such a difficult time last year, and really struggled GAL, meeting new people, making friends, and basically reinventing himself. I give him a lot of credit for not giving up on himself. In the face of rejection, he was determined to make changes in his life. He sent us an update, and closed the post with the following words:

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I will be forever grateful for all of the support you have given me in the last year. I have said this constantly throughout my journey but I will always repeat it over and over again. You not only saved my life, but have helped me turn it into something even better - something that I thought would never happen.

For those who are currently struggling through your situations, I will echo the same thing numerous folks have said here time and time again: Keep fighting. Keep hoping. Keep going. It will get better. Reconciliation is not the true goal here. Rediscovering yourself and your happiness is the goal. Reconciliation is just something that may come as a bonus. And if it does not, you will still be a better man/woman coming out of this.
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 08/16/19 05:47 PM
Originally Posted by sandi2
I wanted to share something another poster wrote recently. His name is Phoenix, whose W is with OM#2. He had never dated anyone before he met his W. He had no friends, and no life outside his marriage. He had such a difficult time last year, and really struggled GAL, meeting new people, making friends, and basically reinventing himself. I give him a lot of credit for not giving up on himself. In the face of rejection, he was determined to make changes in his life. He sent us an update, and closed the post with the following words:

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I will be forever grateful for all of the support you have given me in the last year. I have said this constantly throughout my journey but I will always repeat it over and over again. You not only saved my life, but have helped me turn it into something even better - something that I thought would never happen.

For those who are currently struggling through your situations, I will echo the same thing numerous folks have said here time and time again: Keep fighting. Keep hoping. Keep going. It will get better. Reconciliation is not the true goal here. Rediscovering yourself and your happiness is the goal. Reconciliation is just something that may come as a bonus. And if it does not, you will still be a better man/woman coming out of this.




Thanks for sharing, Sandi2! I just went to read his last update, seems like he is doing really well for himself and much happier in general. I honestly wouldn't know where I would be if it wasn't for this forum. I am not going to lie, still on that rollercoaster ride for me since meeting up with her for D back to school night this past Wednesday. Too many memories were brought back, got derailed a bit and trying to get on the right track again.

I will continue to fight the fight. I will keep going for my D and myself. I am really glad I have you all for listening and giving advice, for just helping me understand what I am going through is normal.

Thanks everyone.
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 08/20/19 12:51 PM
Journal:

This past weekend, my D was with her so I decided to keep busy so my mind doesn't wonder. I went to the gym, hung out with friends, dinner, etc. Saturday night, I decided to grab coffee with a friend and his friends. We sat at a coffee shop just chit chatting and I met a few other people. To say the least, I talked to a female and she seems interesting and invited me to hangout more this coming weekend. Fast forward to yesterday morning, my STBX calls and I asked her about her weekend with our D and what they did and such. Than she ask what I did, the female came up as I was telling her about my week than she got all frustrated and emotional. Than she started questioning if she looks better than her, is she fit, has she been to your house yet, are you going to take her to meet your parents, etc - in my head I was like WTF! She was actually sobbing. I didn't go out looking for anyone and to be honest, we are just friends - I like meeting new people. I don't know if jealousy kicked in or not but sounded like she wanted to have all the fun with this OM she cheated on me with but I was supposed to be miserable and alone. I know this sounds a little harsh, but I actually felt good knowing that she is hurt by it. And no we are not getting back together or anything - I am not playing her little game as plan B. Not going to lie though, I still have feelings for her but I am working on that day by day. I am honestly ready for the D to be finalize so I can officially be free from the chain. I am trying my best to not rush into any relationship because I really do want to work and be a better person for myself and my daughter. But if someone comes along naturally, I am not opposed to stopping it also.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Lost - 08/20/19 01:29 PM
Originally Posted by Leo22
I went to the gym, hung out with friends, dinner, etc. Saturday night, I decided to grab coffee with a friend and his friends. We sat at a coffee shop just chit chatting and I met a few other people.


That all sounds fine.

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I talked to a female and she seems interesting and invited me to hangout more this coming weekend.


This does not. What are your motivations for this? You are not even 3 months past BD, there is no way you're ready to introduce another woman into your life. You've got a lot of growth to do yet.

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Than she ask what I did, the female came up as I was telling her about my week than she got all frustrated and emotional.


Calling this other woman who is a person with feelings "the female" seems a little cold to me, like she's some object for your use. And bringing her up in a convo with your W definitely smacks of revenge-seeking.

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I didn't go out looking for anyone and to be honest, we are just friends


You really think you're being honest there?

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I know this sounds a little harsh, but I actually felt good knowing that she is hurt by it.


You're right, it's harsh. It's you stooping down to her level when you should be rising above and being the rock and the lighthouse.

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I am honestly ready for the D to be finalize so I can officially be free from the chain.


If you are expecting some sense of freedom from getting divorced you are in for a huge disappointment. You've got to get your mind straight before you're ready for D and that takes time. You are trying to "rip the bandaid off" and get it over with, but that's not how it works.

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I am trying my best to not rush into any relationship because I really do want to work and be a better person for myself and my daughter.


The 2nd part is exactly right. The first part, sounds to me like you're doing the opposite. And that will sabotage the 2nd part.
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 08/20/19 02:41 PM
Anotherstander - I honestly didn't think anything of it when she asked me to hang out for the weekend but meeting new people at least it didn't cross my mind. We just talked and she knows my current situation. Yes, we are just friends - nothing more, we didn't try or do anything - she knows what I am going through and she respects that. I am probably trying to rip the "bandaid off," I know its going to hurt when the time comes and most likely be on a emotionally rollercoaster ride when facing reality. I try to tell myself to go day by day, gal, stay busy. Just some days I feel great and some days not so great. It just so happen that when I was out for the weekend I met some new people and I guess enjoyed the company.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Lost - 08/20/19 03:01 PM
Originally Posted by Leo22
Anotherstander - I honestly didn't think anything of it when she asked me to hang out for the weekend but meeting new people at least it didn't cross my mind. We just talked and she knows my current situation. Yes, we are just friends - nothing more.


I have heard this so so sooooooooooo many times here. And I've been here a few days. You are trying to fill the emotional void with another person, and it never works. Don't drag someone else into the wreckage of your marriage. Let your situation play out first. You've got plenty of time for lady "friends" later.
Posted By: firemann Re: Lost - 08/20/19 07:08 PM
@Leo22 - we are running parallel lives. I met someone too and it got back to my STBX. I am equally as confused as you as why the STBX gets so upset.

I've read some previous posts from cadet's welcome thread basically encouraging the LBH to move forward and make it appear that he no longer wants the WW.
Posted By: Leo22 Re: Lost - 08/27/19 11:47 AM
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by Leo22
Anotherstander - I honestly didn't think anything of it when she asked me to hang out for the weekend but meeting new people at least it didn't cross my mind. We just talked and she knows my current situation. Yes, we are just friends - nothing more.


I have heard this so so sooooooooooo many times here. And I've been here a few days. You are trying to fill the emotional void with another person, and it never works. Don't drag someone else into the wreckage of your marriage. Let your situation play out first. You've got plenty of time for lady "friends" later.


Thanks AnotherStander - you are correct. I was trying to tell myself we are just friends, but most likely trying to fill the emotional void. We haven't hung out since that day.

Originally Posted by firemann
@Leo22 - we are running parallel lives. I met someone too and it got back to my STBX. I am equally as confused as you as why the STBX gets so upset.

I've read some previous posts from cadet's welcome thread basically encouraging the LBH to move forward and make it appear that he no longer wants the WW.


Just a quick update on my sitch. A few days after the coffee shop weekend, everything has been different. She seems like a completely different person but I been trying to take everything slowly. Day by day, I have been seeing changes, the way that she used to be before this whole sitch happened. The woman I fell in love with. She wants to cancel the divorce and reconcile. I have never been so happy in my life but at the same time walking on egg shells. We talked for a while on a few occasions and she told me everything that has happened, not sure if it is right but I told her that I am able to forgive her but can't forget what she has done - said she fully understands and wants to earn my trust & respect back. She broke it off with the OM, since then he's been messaging her daily about how in love he is with her and such almost everyday. She shows me the messages and doesn't entertain him. She called my parents and apologize to them, broke down several times, got an earful of lecture from my mom. Everything is so crazy at the moment and I am trying to process this all in. By the way, she still lives at her apartment because we feel that its too soon to move back in - in time when it feels right she's welcome back at my place. I am so thankful for everyone on this forum. I will update from time to time as we are really trying to make this marriage work. I know when I found out about the PA I said that I don't know if I can take her back but I was dead wrong. I love her way to much and we are going to hopefully come out stronger than before. I just tell myself take it day by day, repeatedly. Slow and steady wins the race, right?
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Lost - 08/27/19 04:34 PM
Originally Posted by Leo22
Just a quick update on my sitch. A few days after the coffee shop weekend, everything has been different. She seems like a completely different person but I been trying to take everything slowly. Day by day, I have been seeing changes, the way that she used to be before this whole sitch happened. The woman I fell in love with. She wants to cancel the divorce and reconcile. I have never been so happy in my life but at the same time walking on egg shells. We talked for a while on a few occasions and she told me everything that has happened, not sure if it is right but I told her that I am able to forgive her but can't forget what she has done - said she fully understands and wants to earn my trust & respect back.


Leo, tread very carefully. It's only been 2 months since BD, that's really soon for her to have a genuine turnaround. I'm not saying it's impossible but I've seen it happen before where the WAS "tries" one last time before stating she was just making sure it really was over. So maintain your distance and give her time to show she's really serious about it. If she is serious then she should be willing to go to MC and to be transparent about her social media passwords and activity.

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She broke it off with the OM, since then he's been messaging her daily about how in love he is with her and such almost everyday. She shows me the messages and doesn't entertain him.


Why hasn't she blocked him? When you say she "broke it off", in what way? How this should happen is she should send him one last message telling him that she is fully invested in making the M work, and does not want any further contact with him, and explain to him this is her last message and that she is blocking him. Then do it all while you watch.

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By the way, she still lives at her apartment because we feel that its too soon to move back in - in time when it feels right she's welcome back at my place.


Good! There's no rush.

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I will update from time to time as we are really trying to make this marriage work.


Definitely keep posting as the REALLY hard work is just beginning.
Posted By: HopeCA Re: Lost - 08/27/19 04:43 PM
I wish you all the best! I’ve read along with your sitch, and I think it’s wonderful that you are getting the opportunity to work on your marriage. I agree with the wise vets who will tell you to tread slowly and carefully. But also, enjoy it!
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