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Posted By: ozman I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/09/19 08:02 PM
Old thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2856369#Post2856369
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/09/19 08:16 PM
I didn’t get ihclacs deal about plans a through c

I didn’t get your one joe joes deal about nudging and doors

I’m still lost on FZ. how do I dB and validate and be loving and speak her love language and divorce bust at the same time as I’m telling her to kick rocks
Posted By: IHCLACS Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/09/19 08:25 PM
^^^^ Detachment Loving detachment and putting and loving yourself first above her and the M. That's how. That's what attraction is. Will some of us ever do that? In time... We hope. I will explain later.
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/09/19 08:29 PM
Oz,

I was just answering your question about the FZ. It’s too early for you right now to tell her to kick rocks. Just continue to listen and validate.

There isn’t anything specific you can do to get out of the friend zone. You want to hear jump up and down on one foot and rub your head and that will get you out of the FZ. It doesn’t work that way. Most likely you will get out when you realize life is to short and you have too much value to put up with the bs or when she files for divorce.
Posted By: Traveler Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/09/19 08:32 PM
Originally Posted by "Ozman"
how do I dB and validate and be loving


Hi Ozman, these three don't seem at odds. What is validation? The loving act of really listening to your partner, empathizing, showing you understand where they're coming from. https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw

Originally Posted by "Sandi's Rules"
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
Posted By: unchien Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/09/19 08:46 PM
I understand the confusion Oz.

I'll answer with another analogy smile

Steve85 uses the analogy of a broken down car. When your M is solid, you get the oil changed regularly, maintenance done, and things run smoothly. This would be speaking love languages, certain 180s, etc. A lot of the information in the DR book would cover these areas.

Once that car breaks down, changing the oil doesn't matter. It is in serious disrepair. The same maintenance won't work anymore.

For most of us, our M is the broken-down car by the time we find DB. So we are left with the simple options - listen, validate, set boundaries, GAL, PMA. Some 180s may be worthwhile, some may not. Doing little things to please our WAS only makes things worse. Some of us are left with the LRT.

Most importantly, you need to work on yourself... your car might be headed for the junkyard. Simple maintenance won't work. The more you try to work on the car, the more damage you will likely cause.

So be ready to drive a new car. Whether or not your old car (MR) is beyond repair, that way you don't end up walking down the freeway barefoot hitchhiking rides from strangers if your old car does get put to rest. You're ready to upgrade your limbo to a Lambo.

I think I just made a very confusing analogy... hope it makes sense.
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/09/19 09:19 PM
Ok. She seems like she is waiting fo me to make a move. I want to. But DB would say no right? Things ARE improving so do I just keep doing what I’m doing? Change it up? What if progress stalls out?
Posted By: SteveLW Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/10/19 12:19 AM
If you read other people's threads you'll learn that making a move is the wrong move. More than likely you'll get smacked down (figuratively not literally). Unfortunately most people have to find out the hard way. So make a move. Maybe you'll get lucky and it will be the 5% of the time it works. But remember, even if she gives in it doesn't mean you're home free. Have zero expectations.
Posted By: joejoe1 Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/10/19 02:02 AM
Oz,

IMO, you need to drop the crumbs and see if she takes them. It's your Sitch and you have to be honest with yourself. You know if her actions have changed. You are at ground zero, we are on another planet giving advice. So, you know if she has actually started to soften towards you. Don't forget your DBing principles while dropping these crumbs. The first one being, like Steve has stated, don't have any expectations. Listen and validate. Don't think she's is all in because her actions have changed.

Also, all you have is hearsay that your W is talking to OM. Your source might be credible, but it's not a definite, so be careful on making determinations on that, you need clear and undeniable proof to determine if there is OM. One of the worst things you can do is approach her with hearsay.

You don't need to make a move, slow down. All the moves are on her. Read my post again. I specifically said let her initiate. If you make the move it will come off needy and desperate. Stay patient!

Steve,

Well, I hope all understand, that nudging and flinging doors open are on two different ends off the action scale.

Oz, telling her you want her, you want to be with her, you love her or need her is too heavy. None of that talk. Keep it light! No kind of emotional or passionate talk.

Be patient! You marriage won't be fixed tomorrow or next year. It will take years too fix, if your W is willing to work on the M.

Onward and upward
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/10/19 02:10 AM
Not making a move yet. First time in my life I’m trying to do everything right and have some patience.

That being said. Just had the best evening we’ve had post BD. like in a big way. Grilled chicken. Made a salad. She was very chatty. Very happy. Laughed a lot. Was kinda goofing around with me. Asked me how my day was. Wanted to know details about my day. There seemed to be a good kind of tension between us

I went to bedroom and she had put a small glass rose on display I bought for her years ago (she hates real flowers because they die). I haven’t seen that rose displayed in years. It has “I love you” displayed on it and she put it on top of her jewelry box on display!

Trying to stay grounded but. It sure was a nice evening.

She just left to take our S to her sisters t stay the night ( he’s better). Invited me to come along. I politely declined and said “naw I’m gonna take out trash and clean up
Kitchen and hop in shower”

There you guys go. That’s how it went
Posted By: SteveLW Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/10/19 12:11 PM
Keep up the good work oz. The less you pressure her the more she will come around. Nothing worked better in my sitch than removing all pressure and pursuit. The time will come when you can start trying small methods of pursuit. But your sitch is still too early for that.
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/10/19 01:19 PM
MAJOR PERSONAL BREAKTHROUGH!!!

I don’t want my old relationship back!!

It’s dead, it’s gone. I’m looking for a love that just isn’t there

That being said. I’m going to work harder on myself so I will be awesome in a new R. Hopefully that R is with my W. But the old one was unhealthy.

It’s gone

Hopefully a better one will take its place.

Relaxed my grip on the rope a bit.

Whew! 😅. That’s easier said than done
Posted By: SteveLW Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/10/19 02:11 PM
Originally Posted by ozman
I’m going to work harder on myself so I will be awesome in a new R.


Excellent! This is what we've been trying to get you to see.
Posted By: joejoe1 Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/10/19 03:05 PM
Oz,

Keep up the great and stay patient!!!
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/10/19 03:18 PM
Originally Posted by ozman
MAJOR PERSONAL BREAKTHROUGH!!!...... I’m going to work harder on myself so I will be awesome in a new R.
Perfect!

A lot of guys here start going to the gym during this process. I personally don't think it is at the top of the "improvement" list, but I believe it is worth considering.


The thing I struggle with the most is how to advise people how to practice new skills. For example, how do you learn how to be more romantic? Isn't that pursuit? How do you practice that?? The best I do is tell people to read books and study the material.


How do you get out of the Friend Zone? How do you get into the Lover Zone?


Drop the unattractive traits. Add attractive traits.

Read this post frequently:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2846984
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/10/19 05:03 PM
Another question. Is her behavior a positive sign? And you said there will come a time when I can try a small method of pursuit. What will that be? And how will I know when to use it?
Posted By: SteveLW Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/10/19 05:19 PM
To early to tell
Originally Posted by ozman
Another question. Is her behavior a positive sign? And you said there will come a time when I can try a small method of pursuit. What will that be? And how will I know when to use it?



To early to say on both counts. Let's see how things are going a month from now.
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/10/19 05:23 PM
Oz,

Sure it’s a positive sign.

You can pursue now if you want but just remember that if she isn’t feeling it then it will be a reminder to her that she doesn’t have those feelings for you.

Will be rejected send you spiraling out of control?
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/10/19 06:18 PM
I don’t know. For starters I don’t know what a small pursuit would be

Second. She hid the fact about lunch with coworker. I guess boss had to change their lunch hours so they wouldn’t be late back from lunch. Supposedly this only happened once. And my W openly told neighbor like it wasn’t a secret. She told neighbor. “He’s really nice and easy to talk to”. So I’m suspicious of A and not suspicious of A all at the same time. She is wearing underwear she usually doesn’t wear and when she’s on her lunch break and I needed to talk about something important she wasn’t available. I casually brought up underwear while folding clothes and she just said “eh I’ve been wearing those again lately”. She is always msging on FB mssnger. Her FB status doesn’t say married anymore. She doesn’t wear a ring for a while now, but she has always worn it off and on. Guy at her job asked her if she was married and she replied “that’s none of your business”. Her friends list is hidden where no one can see it. So it all seems suspicious but nothing concrete

Third her attitude toward me has dramatically improved over the last week after about a month or so now of DBING. she is acting almost normal except for intamacy. She honestly acts like she wants to drop an ILY but is kinda scared to

She seems to really appreciate my changes and is DEFINITELY opening up to me more. She seems awkward a little around me like she wants something more but is worried. Or maybe I’m just imagining it

The neighbor says she is pretty confident there has been no A but W might have entertained the idea

I don’t know how to put all this together. Maybe there was an A and now she is thinking of coming back? Maybe there never was an A at all? Maybe she is in middle of A and playing me for a fool? If there is an A I want to know about it so she can realize what she’s got to loose.

She seemed really surprised when she said she would be less miserable without me and I told her she wasn’t trapped. That if she needed to go she could and I would help

Sorry this is like a recap of everything. Things have just improved at home so much I feel like I should push the teeniest tiniest bit.

But I’m scared to set things back. They have come a long way. Almost back to normal
Posted By: SteveLW Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/10/19 06:28 PM
One of the best quotes I've ever seen around here is:

"When she wants to come back to the marriage, you will know. When she doesn't, you will be confused."

You are basing wanting to pursue and pressure on the fact that she is nicer to you? Really?

oz, patience my man. If she wants more she will either let you know without any ambiguity. Or at the very least the opportunity to act will still be there a month from now.

Repeat this: Patience. Patience. Patience.
Posted By: Gekko Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/10/19 06:39 PM
Originally Posted by ozman


Third her attitude toward me has dramatically improved over the last week after about a month or so now of DBING.

She seems to really appreciate my changes and is DEFINITELY opening up to me more.



That's great, I say keep it up. Listen to Steve - "patience".
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/10/19 06:54 PM
“Blowing air through pursed lips”

Man. This is Arrrggghhh. I hate this middle school “I wonder if she likes me” bull $hit. It really is like being in middle school (my Stab at something resembling humor)

There is a part of me that wants to say

“Listen here woman, I love you and I’m sorry for all the times I effed up and I own them. I’m a changed man and Im never going back to that old guy again. So you need to make up your mind. You either want me or you don’t. If you do then let’s get on with it. If you don’t then GTFO”

Sorry I just needed to get that off my chest

Tell me again. Patience patience patience? Right?

How will things improve from where they are?

Last night, I’m shaving, no shirt on, kinda showing off the hint of some abs ( I’ve lost 20 lbs). And I can see her in the mirror CHECKING ME OUT!! Like come on this is FRUSTRATING!!

She’s back there crackin jokes makin me laugh and it’s almost like there is some flirting going on.

This seems very tedious
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/10/19 06:57 PM

Oz,

You are completely focused on the wrong things.


Your post are like this:

She....she......she......she......she......she......she......she......she......she......she......she......she......she...


They need to be:

I....I....I....I...I....I....I....I...I....I....I....I...I....I....I....I...I....I....I....I...




I went shopping and bought new clothes. I went to the gym. I listen to W and validated her feelings. I did my share of help around the house. I told W I wanted alone time with S. I spent time with S . I read NMMNG and learned a lot. I took notes. I went to the book store and browsed the self help area. I bought two new books. I made the cashier laugh......
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/10/19 06:59 PM
Originally Posted by ozman
There is a part of me that wants to say

“Listen here woman, I love you and I’m sorry for all the times I effed up and I own them. I’m a changed man and Im never going back to that old guy again. So you need to make up your mind. You either want me or you don’t. If you do then let’s get on with it. If you don’t then GTFO”


LBS always want to talk too much. Shut up and SHOW her with your actions.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/10/19 07:10 PM
Originally Posted by ozman


There is a part of me that wants to say

“Listen here woman, I love you and I’m sorry for all the times I effed up and I own them. I’m a changed man and Im never going back to that old guy again. So you need to make up your mind. You either want me or you don’t. If you do then let’s get on with it. If you don’t then GTFO”


This is where patience comes in. WORDS are meaningless. SHOW her this. Mainly the part about being a changed man.

Your sitch is still brand news. A month is a drop in the ocean. PATIENCE. Let her have time to see your changes so she can trust them.
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/10/19 08:08 PM
At least I started DBing fairly quickly. Should I confront anything about potential A? Or just keep rollin with the good changes at home. Or if she is in A and I aporoach her about it. Will that just make things worse
Posted By: SteveLW Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/10/19 08:16 PM
Like my faith-based therapist told me: the truth always has a way of coming to light. Forget about her for now and go back to your personal breakthrough earlier: focus on you and becoming the best ozman you can be!
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/10/19 09:53 PM
Alright. Thanks Steve for helping me refocus!

How do I be best oz I can be and attract her and let her know what I want WITHOUT pursuit or pressure
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/10/19 10:28 PM
Just finished the book.

Question MWD says it’s impossible to make a good emotional connection without a sexual one. So how do I reconnect with W when there is no sex?
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/10/19 11:45 PM
IMPORTANT PLEASE!

W was not home when I got here. She had S with her. I DBd and didn’t call her. Just got to work in the yard, perfect right?

She calls about 40 min later

Me, hello?
Her, hey, what’s up?
Me, diggen a hole for post. What’s up?
Her, oh well you could’ve called. I’ve just been setting over here at Sisters house after picking up S
Me o well I wasn’t trying to bug you
Her ok well we were watching a movie and I was starting to doze. What you want for dinner
Me hmm I dunno. Salad? Burgers?
Her ok well I’ll head that way

Ok guys interpret please. I thought I shouldn’t call cause that’s pressure. But she obviously wanted me to call

So now what?
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 12:32 AM
Oz,

You can’t stress about every interaction.
Posted By: Cadet Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 12:35 AM
Originally Posted by ozman

Ok guys interpret please. I thought I shouldn’t call cause that’s pressure. But she obviously wanted me to call

So now what?

No basic pursuit and distance.

You stopped pursuing her so she stopped distancing and is trying to get you to pursue her again.

Question is - will you?
Posted By: SteveLW Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 01:03 AM
Cadet's question is a good one. Most LBSs get over confident and pursue right away when their WAS stops distancing. Guess what happens when they pursue again? Their WAS starts distancing again.

Remember, when she wants to come back to the marriage you will know. When she doesn't, you will be confused.
Posted By: BluWave Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 02:29 AM
The most important thing is that you continue to make your positive changes regardless of how she responds. This gives you the best shot of "fixing" the relationship in the long run. Because over time, as she sees your consistency, she can trust that your changes are real and lasting. That is when she will start to rethink her M with you. For some people that can take many weeks or even months. For some, it takes years. That is why we keep telling you that you have to give this a long time and be patient. I think you can do it. So try not to stress over every detail and what is right or wrong with DBing, and just focus on being the best man you can be. It is almost that simple.

Blu
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 02:53 AM
Ok will do.

Question just because I want to know.

Why would W want me to pursue her if she doesn’t want to come back yet? Seems strange
Posted By: Traveler Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 03:04 AM
Originally Posted by Ozman
Why would W want me to pursue her if she doesn’t want to come back yet? Seems strange

Hi Ozman, I remember you haven't had many relationships. I like it when ex's pursue because it means I have options, safeties, fallbacks. Your wife's reasons, of course, could be totally different.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 12:18 PM
Originally Posted by ozman
IMPORTANT PLEASE!

W was not home when I got here. She had S with her. I DBd and didn’t call her. Just got to work in the yard, perfect right?

She calls about 40 min later

Me, hello?
Her, hey, what’s up?
Me, diggen a hole for post. What’s up?
Her, oh well you could’ve called. I’ve just been setting over here at Sisters house after picking up S
Me o well I wasn’t trying to bug you
Her ok well we were watching a movie and I was starting to doze. What you want for dinner
Me hmm I dunno. Salad? Burgers?
Her ok well I’ll head that way

Ok guys interpret please. I thought I shouldn’t call cause that’s pressure. But she obviously wanted me to call

So now what?


Oz, that's not important. It means nothing. You've really got to quit trying to read meaning into every little interaction that happens. She didn't "obviously" want you to call. Don't call, don't pursue, don't be needy.
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 12:32 PM
Yup. My W is my first love

Things starting to seem back to normal except for lack of intamacy.

Mornings seem hard. That’s when sadness is the worst. It’s amazing. Yesterday I’m like boom I got this imma work on me!!

This morning. BOOM your life is falling apart remember? come back to reality
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 12:48 PM
Originally Posted by ozman
This morning. BOOM your life is falling apart remember? come back to reality


Nothing changed between yesterday and today except your PERCEPTION. Every time she throws you a bone you run over and grab it up and assume recon is just around the corner or maybe already happening. Oz, DROP ALL YOUR EXPECTATIONS. You've got a very long road ahead of you, there are no shortcuts to get to the destination.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 01:03 PM
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by ozman
This morning. BOOM your life is falling apart remember? come back to reality


Nothing changed between yesterday and today except your PERCEPTION. Every time she throws you a bone you run over and grab it up and assume recon is just around the corner or maybe already happening. Oz, DROP ALL YOUR EXPECTATIONS. You've got a very long road ahead of you, there are no shortcuts to get to the destination.


^^^^^^^^^THIS

Think about this.....all of the shortcuts you might be tempted to take, will get you to D sooner. Be patient. Let the process work.

REMEMBER (I am going to keep saying this until you get it): When she wants to come back to the marriage you will know. If she doesn't, you will be confused.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 01:09 PM
Originally Posted by ozman

Why would W want me to pursue her if she doesn’t want to come back yet? Seems strange


First, WASs are strange. Strangest creatures on the planet! Trying to find logic in their thoughts and thinking is a fool's game.

Second, like CW was saying she wants you there as her safety net. You are Plan B. Plan A is to leave the marriage and start a new life. So yes, she does things that make it seem like she might be coming back.....to make sure you remain attached. This is why the pursuit-distance dynamic happens. You start to detach, she feels a sense of being unsafe (since Plan A is not even close to solid right now) so she throws you a bone. You take the bait and think "we are on our way!" She gets what she wants because you are safe. Many many many LBSs have set themselves up for BD#2 because of all of this.

Take AS' advice. No expectations. Prepare for the worst (her leaving and Ding you), and hope for the best (her staying and eventually reconnecting).

Detach. GAL (you are failing this miserably). Cement your 180s.
Posted By: joejoe1 Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 03:28 PM
Oz,

You have to settle down, so you can take an objective approach to your sitch. You are all emotions right now. You don't have to interpret every interaction with her. You are being so analytical that you aren't living.

I'm here to tell you, that your sitch won't be fix tomorrow and if your W sees your changes and wants to come back, then you being perfect won't stop her.

You are so worried about her intentions and reactions that you aren't working on yourself.

We have been where you are at, just working to try and stop you from making our same mistakes.

One day at a time.
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 05:21 PM
I just got off phone with D lawyer. Just to know how it works I guess. Most miserable conversation I’ve ever had

I’m not trying to analyze see every word. It just seemed like she thought “well you could have called to let me know you were home so I could come home too and we could figure out dinner”

It was her time of voice
Posted By: SteveLW Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 05:33 PM
Originally Posted by ozman
I just got off phone with D lawyer. Just to know how it works I guess. Most miserable conversation I’ve ever had

I’m not trying to analyze see every word. It just seemed like she thought “well you could have called to let me know you were home so I could come home too and we could figure out dinner”

It was her time of voice


How do those two bolded statements NOT contradict each other?
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 06:15 PM
Originally Posted by ozman
IMPORTANT PLEASE! ...Ok guys interpret please.

W was not home when I got here. She had S with her. I DBd and didn’t call her. Just got to work in the yard, perfect right?
YES. You are busy taking care of things. Let her contact you.

Quote
She calls about 40 min later
See....just wait for her to pursue you.....Always

Quote

Me, hello?
Her, hey, what’s up?
Me, diggen a hole for post. What’s up?
Her, oh well you could’ve called. I’ve just been setting over here at Sisters house after picking up S
Me o well I wasn’t trying to bug you<<<<------ BETA BETA BETA


Better:
Me: "Perfect."

or "How is Sister?"

or"Sounds nice."




Her ok well we were watching a movie and I was starting to doze. What you want for dinner
Me hmm I dunno. Salad? Burgers?<<<<<------BETA BETA

Better:

ME: "Hamburgers and fruit salad."


Quote
I thought I shouldn’t call cause that’s pressure. But she obviously wanted me to call
This is one of those areas that you need to let her wounder what you are doing.





Even here, you have a better response:
Quote
Me, diggen a hole for post. What’s up?
This is boring information. Try this:

Me:"Taking care of a few things...."

She will not know what you are doing and be confused and make up things in her mind YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT DON"T YOU wink


The goal is to get her to pry for information.


It should go like this:


Me:"Taking care of a few things...."
W:"What things?"
H:"Just some boring things I wanted to get done..."
W:"What are they..."
H"Right now I am digging a hole in the yard"
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 07:09 PM
Ok. Edit

Her: well you could have called
Me??


That’s actually how it went
Posted By: IHCLACS Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 07:14 PM
Haha... digging a 6x4 hole in the yard but not for a fence post...lol
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 07:36 PM
What?
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 08:11 PM
I missed a text from W yesterday

I’m not going to be rude so I replied today during my lunch break. You guys told me to tell you guys about our convos so you could interpret plus I want to see how my validation is going

Me: just saw your text from yesterday
Her: I’ve been slammed today things have broken at work (insert a bunch of details here) and the other office lady isn’t here today
Me: wow, that sounds really stressful
Her :yup
Her again: we are not allowed overtime so I had to clock out but I’m eating while I work
Me: man, sounds hard
Her: yep, it’s been a long day
Me : sounds like it, I’ll make dinner tonight to make things a bit easier on you
Her: I’ll be fine when I get out of here

I didn’t reply after that because I couldn’t gauge her reaction. I didn’t want to pressure. I wanted to validate her feelings of being stressed at work. Also show her some love by making dinner (an action). But not pursue.

Did I do ok or did I fail?
Posted By: SteveLW Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 08:12 PM
Originally Posted by ozman
What?


IHC was making a joke.....I think it was about digging a grave.
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 08:13 PM
Ya I got that later lol
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 08:16 PM
Did you guys see my last question? I think it got buried lol
Posted By: SteveLW Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 08:18 PM
Originally Posted by ozman
I missed a text from W yesterday

I’m not going to be rude so I replied today during my lunch break. You guys told me to tell you guys about our convos so you could interpret plus I want to see how my validation is going

Me: just saw your text from yesterday
Her: I’ve been slammed today things have broken at work (insert a bunch of details here) and the other office lady isn’t here today
Me: wow, that sounds really stressful
Her :yup
Her again: we are not allowed overtime so I had to clock out but I’m eating while I work
Me: man, sounds hard
Her: yep, it’s been a long day
Me : sounds like it, I’ll make dinner tonight to make things a bit easier on you
Her: I’ll be fine when I get out of here

I didn’t reply after that because I couldn’t gauge her reaction. I didn’t want to pressure. I wanted to validate her feelings of being stressed at work. Also show her some love by making dinner (an action). But not pursue.

Did I do ok or did I fail?


First, what was the text you missed? In general you should not be texting her back unless she asks a direct question. And then answer in as short an answer as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.

Not responding to informational texts is not rude. It is giving her time and space.

You did find except offering to make dinner. That is what a committed husband does for his committed. It is not what a H does when he's been fired as a H, and his W may be involved in an EA.

Your validation is good. I would have ended it with "it sounds like it, it must be rough having a day like that."

If you want to make dinner, then just do it. It would be there when she got home. No need to try to score points by telling her you are making things easier for her. ACTIONS not WORDS.

You did ok. But you can do better. Most newbies can improve. Remember, your sitch is brand new.
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 08:20 PM
Ok thanks Steve.

Text I missed was “are you home?”
Posted By: SteveLW Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 08:28 PM
Originally Posted by ozman
Ok thanks Steve.

Text I missed was “are you home?”


Yeah, you'd already talked to her by then. No need to text back at that point.
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 08:44 PM
It’s sure frustrating that everything is almost back to normal. Key word almost
Posted By: Josh71 Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 09:56 PM
Originally Posted by ozman
It’s sure frustrating that everything is almost back to normal. Key word almost


Been reading your sitch and mine is similar. I'm getting "normal" but with no physical touching. And then periodic attempts at starting a fight. It's hard but Steve85 has good advice.
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 10:13 PM
Josh I’ll check out your sitch

Hang in there man. I don’t think I have much to offer. Except to say your not alone. Do you get the urge to tell her you love her and want to work on your M and you know she could be happy if she tried?

Cause I do and it’s a hard urge to bury
Posted By: Josh71 Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/11/19 10:51 PM
Yeah i do. The minute i stopped things got a bit better. She knows where i stand, i dont need to remind her. Im in my final DB stage of more GAL, confronting more boundaries, and minimising conversations. My approach is to think how to behave if i had a room-mate. I have to keep thinking like that and not as an H so she feels the consequences of her decision. She's still eating her cake and I'm letting her. But the more i detach the more i realise she's not for me unless she changes. I've changed too much and IC warned me this could happen. I feel my desire to stay is more about codependency. But door is open and if accepted will come with strings.
Posted By: Traveler Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 02:21 AM
Ozman, how's GAL and self-differentiation going? I'm spending an evening alone by choice and decided not to distract it away with books or TV. That's rare for me. It sounds like you also have few "free" nights.
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 03:27 AM
I’m still failing at Gal cw. It’s hard to do something you just don’t really have the time for. Plus I can’t help that I don’t want to.

I have never lived alone. I don’t really like being alone. I’ve done it enough to know I don’t like it. Truth be told I’ve kinda ran into a wall. I’m doin really well on 180s. I’m DBing ok but doing terrible at GAL.

I really just miss my wife. I really don’t know how to keep it up. It’s 10 pm and she just got on messenger 15 minutes ago. It hurts. It hurts bad. It maybe old friends. She has a lot of them here. I know some of her msgs are from just friends. But I think some of them are not.

There for 4-5 days the pain was subsiding. But it’s back. I think it’s cause it sank in that all the improvements. All the ground gained could just be for nothing.

She has opened up more
She laughs more
She has been noticing me more
She has softened her demeanor
She asks about my day
She asks what I’m thinking
She acts like she appreciates me

And it could all be for show. It’s mean to do what she’s done. But to give somebody false hope is cruel. It hurts in a way that I can’t explain. Sad,pain,anguish,suffering,hurt. None of these words are quite powerful enough to describe what I feel.

And maybe it’s not for show. Maybe it’s the exact results that are described in DR. MWD says that there are three things that could happen , nothing, slow improvements or WAS immediately reverses. So maybe there really is something to be hopeful about

Either way. There is a part of me that won’t change. That can’t. The part of me that every night when we go to bed hopes that this is the night she will softly say ILY or out her arm around me.

Damn I just miss her. I miss us and we and family and together and everything that goes with it.

I love wearing my wedding ring. I love it when a girl who is checking me out sees my ring and knows I’m taken

My purpose is my family. That is my definition that is me. When I discovered her I discovered me.

She made me better than I was.

I just plain miss her. There’s no two ways about it. I just want her back. I don’t want to have to compete for her. I did that already and I won. I shouldn’t have to do it again.

This [censored]. It isn’t fair and it isn’t right.

I just hurt

Posted By: Josh71 Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 06:03 AM
Hang in there ozman! Detachment gets better, GAL improves. I know because I felt the same as you. Its ok to feel that way, it's natural and will change.

Are you by any chance in Australia? If so what city?
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 11:19 AM
No I’m in the U.S. in Kansas
Posted By: SteveLW Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 12:25 PM
Originally Posted by ozman
No I’m in the U.S. in Kansas


Toto, you're not in Kansas anymore! (Sorry, couldn't resist.)
Posted By: ballast Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 12:36 PM
Oz,

Nobody on here who's gone through what you are going through would disagree with you that getting through this time of your life is/can be a living H*ll, BUT you must do so and with time you will!

What you wrote is way way co-dependent!! Are you working with a counselor? Never having lived alone, "when I discovered her I discovered me"...you are completely focused and consumed by her and your family. You need to find the strength inside of you to put YOU FIRST!!! Both for your own health, happiness and life to come, but also for your family.

When life is beating you up, albeit all of us have taken time to grieve and will progress through this at our own unique pace, but you MUST save yourself buddy. It does ****, it isn't fair and may not even be right, but you can not continue to deny facing it because IT IS your truth right now.

Praying for you buddy. You have the strength within yourself to get through this trial in your life.

-B
Posted By: SteveLW Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 12:52 PM
Oz, I just posted this in CW's thread, and feel that you need to read this.

Please read this slowly....and understand. You are reacting out of fear, instead of proactively acting to better yourself, and your situation. Please do not just scan this, I feel that you have an attention span problem which is why you haven't been able to really take hold of what you are reading, both here and in the book:

Originally Posted by Steve85
Being in control of your own destiny is euphoric, a revelation, and is an epiphany. The minute I realized that I was going to be just fine no matter what my W decided, the better I started moving forward. DBing became a breeze at that point. And her attraction to me went through the roof. Most people are not into someone being too attached, to into them, and a spineless worm to boot. Once you find your balls, man-up (or lady-up if you are a female LBS), and start moving forward whether the WAS follows suit or not, the more attractive the LBS becomes. One of the problems with WAWs is they feel like they could walk back into the LBS's open arms ANYTIME THEY WANT.

This is why it is important to move on. LBSs get paralyzed with fear: "What if he/she thinks I am fine with splitting up?" That is fear. Fear breeds contempt (for you), because it will cause you to behave in ways that do not command respect. Without respect, your WAS will never be attracted back to you!

If we could get other LBSs to understand this, they would be much better off. Either you will win your WAS back through commanding respect. Or you will be tough enough to move forward without them and realize you will not only survive, but thrive!
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 01:02 PM
Originally Posted by ozman
I’m still failing at Gal cw. It’s hard to do something you just don’t really have the time for. Plus I can’t help that I don’t want to.


You're rationalizing not doing the right thing. You have to MAKE yourself GAL. No one said it will be easy, in fact it is possibly the hardest thing you will have done in your life. You want to curl up in a corner and throw yourself a pity party, but you can't, you've got to force yourself to get out and do something. You'll have to force it for weeks or maybe even months, but eventually you'll start to enjoy it.

Quote
I have never lived alone. I don’t really like being alone.


Perfect, find some GAL activities that involve others. NO EXCUSES.

Quote
Truth be told I’ve kinda ran into a wall. I’m doin really well on 180s. I’m DBing ok but doing terrible at GAL.


Exactly, so fix that.

Quote
I really just miss my wife.


Of course you do, just like all of us here do or did. That is part of it. We're giving you the tools to help you with that.

Quote
She has opened up more
She laughs more
She has been noticing me more
She has softened her demeanor
She asks about my day
She asks what I’m thinking
She acts like she appreciates me

And it could all be for show. It’s mean to do what she’s done. But to give somebody false hope is cruel.


Oz, again this isn't anything she is doing, it's your PERCEPTION. You are so desperate and needy that you read positive signs into everything, and then a day later when she hasn't begged you to give her another chance then you declare it was all fake. What do we keep telling you over and over? This is going to take TIME and lots of it. She's showing improvements, GOOD! Pat yourself on the back for doing some good DB'ing and keep doing what you're doing.
Posted By: Destroyd Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 01:09 PM
AnotherStander, I love reading your posts. Your demeanor and kindness is pitch perfect. You give tough advice in a very loving way. That is so helpful to those of us who are beating ourselves up for struggling with DBing.

I think you realize it isn't easy, but you work to inspire us to keep moving forward. Thank you!!
Posted By: SteveLW Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 01:15 PM
Originally Posted by Destroyd
AnotherStander, I love reading your posts. Your demeanor and kindness is pitch perfect. You give tough advice in a very loving way. That is so helpful to those of us who are beating ourselves up for struggling with DBing.

I think you realize it isn't easy, but you work to inspire us to keep moving forward. Thank you!!


Agreed! I wish I could be more gentle. AS is awesome!!

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by ozman
I’m still failing at Gal cw. It’s hard to do something you just don’t really have the time for. Plus I can’t help that I don’t want to.


You're rationalizing not doing the right thing. You have to MAKE yourself GAL. No one said it will be easy, in fact it is possibly the hardest thing you will have done in your life. You want to curl up in a corner and throw yourself a pity party, but you can't, you've got to force yourself to get out and do something. You'll have to force it for weeks or maybe even months, but eventually you'll start to enjoy it.

Quote
I have never lived alone. I don’t really like being alone.


Perfect, find some GAL activities that involve others. NO EXCUSES.

Quote
Truth be told I’ve kinda ran into a wall. I’m doin really well on 180s. I’m DBing ok but doing terrible at GAL.


Exactly, so fix that.

Quote
I really just miss my wife.


Of course you do, just like all of us here do or did. That is part of it. We're giving you the tools to help you with that.

Quote
She has opened up more
She laughs more
She has been noticing me more
She has softened her demeanor
She asks about my day
She asks what I’m thinking
She acts like she appreciates me

And it could all be for show. It’s mean to do what she’s done. But to give somebody false hope is cruel.


Oz, again this isn't anything she is doing, it's your PERCEPTION. You are so desperate and needy that you read positive signs into everything, and then a day later when she hasn't begged you to give her another chance then you declare it was all fake. What do we keep telling you over and over? This is going to take TIME and lots of it. She's showing improvements, GOOD! Pat yourself on the back for doing some good DB'ing and keep doing what you're doing.




Oz please read this post from AS closely. Especially the GAL portion. You've claimed that you can't GAL because that is what you did before BD. Yet, nothing you've said since then shows that. It sounds like you are with her ALL the time, both before BD and after. I love my W. She is my favorite person in the world. But being with her 24/7, 365, for years would DRIVE ME UP THE WALL. Sometimes you need a break from someone, and it sounds like you need to give her a break. AS is right here. You've been full of excuses and rationalizations for not GAL.And I believe it is fear motivating that (see my previous post). Stop being afraid and start being strong!
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 03:07 PM
What I did before BD was make plans without her. Go to friends house after work and not call. Stuff like that
Posted By: SteveLW Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 03:14 PM
Originally Posted by ozman
What I did before BD was make plans without her. Go to friends house after work and not call. Stuff like that


I thought you had no friends?
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 05:32 PM
Originally Posted by Destroyd
AnotherStander, I love reading your posts. Your demeanor and kindness is pitch perfect. You give tough advice in a very loving way. That is so helpful to those of us who are beating ourselves up for struggling with DBing.

I think you realize it isn't easy, but you work to inspire us to keep moving forward. Thank you!!


Originally Posted by Steve85
Agreed! I wish I could be more gentle. AS is awesome!!


Thanks guys, I appreciate it! One of the hard parts in coming here is I relive a lot of the pain and heartache I went through when I read the posts of others going through this. So I try to be sensitive to the fact that the people coming here need advice, but they need emotional support too. I feel like I fall short on the latter versus the former, so it's nice to hear y'all say that, maybe I'm not being as tough on people as I thought smile

Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by ozman
What I did before BD was make plans without her. Go to friends house after work and not call. Stuff like that


I thought you had no friends?


OK so that's not just me, it does seem like we're getting conflicting info from you Oz. You've stated that you never had your own life or identity because you married so young, and that basically your entire life has been defined by your role as husband. But then you turn around and say part of your marital problems stem from the fact that you went out and GAL'd so much going over to friend's houses and not calling and such. So which is it? I think you're just trying to make excuses not to GAL. "I can't GAL because I GAL'd too much when I was married and I have to do a 180 on that." That's BS of course, you NEED to GAL. You of all the people here need it more than anyone. You seem to be struggling the most with your situation, how to deal with it, and how to LISTEN and FOLLOW advice.

I have a couple of suggestions for you. From now on, when you get advice, READ it and ASK SPECIFIC QUESTIONS about it. Here is the vibe I get from your threads-

A) Wife does XYZ
B) Oz posts "wife did XYZ, what does this mean?"
C) People post sound, solid advice
D) Oz does not post one single question or comment about the advice, does not thank anyone, nothing. Appears to ignore it all.
E) Repeat A-D

I've seen this happen with others before and at some point people throw their hands in the air and quit helping. Why help someone that doesn't appear to want help.

So Oz, if you want continued input and support, break the pattern.

READ. UNDERSTAND. ABSORB. ACT.

THEN come back and tell us how it's going.
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 06:22 PM
Ok. I’m sorry. I’m very grateful for all the advice given. I really am. So thank you thank you thank you. I wish you guys knew how grateful I really am

I had a few friends. But they are back home. 5 hours away. Remember I just moved

A lot of time I would go to dads house after work. (16 hour days on a farm). Without calling my W

There are several questions on here that I have asked that were never answered or answered in a weird way that didn’t make sense. Like the flinging the door open analogy when I talked about making a move. I can’t quote very well on here cause I’m doing it all on my phone

It seems like sometimes my question gets lost in translation or something

When I read your advice, I take it to heart. But then I get around my W and I don’t know how to implement it. I just come off as cold shouldering her. So I get frustrated and come back here for help. Then I accidentally end up offending you guys and I’m gonna end up pushing you guys away.

I’m sorry. I really am. Please don’t give up on me. You really are all I have

I have made some Progress. When I go back and read the beginning I can see it.

Thank you for your patience. Please forgive me for any rudeness or frustration I have caused
Posted By: SteveLW Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 06:34 PM
Originally Posted by ozman
There are several questions on here that I have asked that were never answered or answered in a weird way that didn’t make sense. Like the flinging the door open analogy when I talked about making a move. I can’t quote very well on here cause I’m doing it all on my phone


Ok Oz, on this. You were asking if, when, and what kind of move to make. joejoe suggested you slowly open the door with some validation. "How as your day?" "Oh that sounds difficult, it must have be rough." To see where it would lead.

I said that I got the impression Oz wasn't asking about doing something subtle, but "flinging the door wide open". Something like, "I love you, want to be with you. Let's go have sex!"

That was what that analogy was. In general, the best move is sometimes no move at all. My point was that if you can't control yourself by doing something small, and slow like joejoe suggested, then do nothing. Especially since you were already doing small things like that anyway.

Hope this helps.I still get the impression you do not read and try to understand. You skim so you can get on with your next: "She did XYZ, what does it mean? What do I do?"
Posted By: SteveLW Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 06:37 PM
Originally Posted by ozman
Then I accidentally end up offending you guys


We don't get offended. I've told LBSs before, if you would prefer I not chime into your sitch, just say so! I am not hear to bug anyone.

But what you have to understand is that there is no "Do it this way! Say this exactly." etc. We are trying to teach you principles about how to interact with your W in a way that sets you up best to A) be detached, B) be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave (AMOAFWL), C) that will command respect from her.

Sometimes we get frustrated because posters get stuck in the cycle AS mentioned above. But never offended.
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 06:39 PM
Steve, AS, Cwarrior, Cadet, Blu, IHCLACS. And all the others trying to help me.

THANK YOU. I’ll try to settle down

I think I haven’t quit spiraling. I just started spiraling with a different method. I WILL break the pattern. I think I still get overwhelmed

I WILL TRY HARDER.

thanks
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 06:44 PM
Thanks Steve. No I value your input a lot.

I promise I read to understand. I think I need to reread a lot more than I have. I honestly forget how forgetful I have become (brain tumor, major brain surgery, brain radiation, chemo did take their toll). I will try to do better
Posted By: SteveLW Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 06:59 PM
oz, one other thing to remember......when your thread grows by a page, go back to the previous page to make sure you read any posts that were made prior to the new page. Sometimes posts get lost because they were the 9th or 10th post on a page. Also, sometimes posts come in AS you post, so it is always a good idea to scroll back up after you post to make sure you haven't missed any.

One final tip, please read other people's sitches. While direct advice is good, sometimes objectively seeing someone else's sitch that you aren't close to emotionally will help for the techniques and principles to sink in.

You'll get this man, it is tough stuff. And your sitch is still so new. Hang in there with us! You will survive and thrive....no matter what!!
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 07:23 PM
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
I have a couple of suggestions for you. From now on, when you get advice, READ it and ASK SPECIFIC QUESTIONS about it. Here is the vibe I get from your threads- ....Oz does not post one single question or comment about the advice, does not thank anyone, nothing. Appears to ignore it all.


Hi OZ,

I understand you have more challenges than your average poster. What helped me was taking notes. I would read a book. As I read, I would write down the "wise words" with the page number. After the book was done, I would re-read all my notes from that book as well as the previous books. Spaced repetition is the key to learning.

Another thing is to compartmentalize. Don't worry about learning how to flirt better while trying to learn new skills in listening and paying attention. You pick the most important one and focus on that. Make sense?




Like you, I was full GAL before bomb drop. I didn't stop, I had to shift. Actually cut back to parent more.

I meet new people around the pool table. Do you play pool? If so, go out tonight for a few hours. If not, go out for a few hours anyway.
Posted By: Destroyd Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 09:14 PM
Hmm, I haven't thought about going to a pool bar. That could be a fun GAL!
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 09:32 PM
Ok thanks Steve and R2C. I will wirk in that. I play darts. So maybe that. I’m a few pounds away from some abs and I used to bodybuild. So I will try that.

Specific question:

Hypothetical convo with W

Me: I’m going out for a while you got S?
Her: uh yea, where ya goin?
Me: just out for a while. (Or do I tell her). Let’s say to play pool
Her : uh, your not gonna tell me?
Me: ????
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 09:42 PM
Part 2 real quick. I know you have touched on this already. BUT. how does me leaving and and sticking her at home with S like she has been for the last 8 years gonna make her anything but pissed at me. It’s

1 more of the same old behavior from Oz.
2 proof that he haven’t changed leaving me with S while he does whatever he wants
3 just confirming that I want to D him
4 I want some freedom! But its always Oz Oz Oz. Everything revolves around him
5 so I’m here miserable at home while he is out having fun.

This is probably my biggest hang up on GAL

I just cant wrap my head around it no matter how hard I try
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 10:30 PM



I would definitely make sure you are pulling your weight in parenting 50/50.


You need your time away and so does she.


H:"W, I decided I want to start playing darts again" shut up and listen.....
W" Bla bla bla bla bla" let her talk and listen...then validate
H:"I understand. I believe we both need a break from parenting: SHut up and listen
W:"Bla bla bla"

H:"Those are good points. I will think about it and make my decision"
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 10:32 PM

So her sister lives close. Would she watch your child for a few hours and let you both go play darts?

Just an option.
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 10:53 PM
Ok thanks R2C. This is gonna sound stupid but help me on this then

1 I tell her I’m going to go play darts or I just say I’m going out?
2 do you mean W and I playing darts together?
3 how do I validate “so your going to do what you want while I’m stuck here?”

Right now I just got home she is not here. Don’t call right? Fighting that wonder who she is with knot in my stomach

She will prolly call here in a while. What do I say?
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/12/19 10:58 PM
I’m not gonna. But I have the urge to call her and catch her in the middle of whatever she is up to. I hate the suspicious rabbit hole. I can tell this is why detaching is a must. Does it take time to detach? Like it’s hard to untangle everything you have intertwined with the live if your life
Posted By: Hallzy9 Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/13/19 12:13 AM
Right now sounds like a great time for some GAL. Stop sitting at home wondering what’s she’s doing and go do something fun and productive for yourself. It will help you to not think about her when you’re busy GAL.
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/13/19 12:28 AM
Thanks Hallzy. I just had a brand new friend actually just text me. His GF is working a double and he’s bored
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/13/19 01:07 AM
Originally Posted by ozman
1 I tell her I’m going to go play darts or I just say I’m going out?
Say going out first (Being vague) is she ask where then "I am thinking about darts"


Quote
2 do you mean W and I playing darts together?
Yes. Do you think she is open to this?


Quote
3 how do I validate “so your going to do what you want while I’m stuck here?”
You do not validate this. "I would say "Would you like to join me?" If she says No, then "If you want some "you time" tommorow, I can watch child and you can go do whatever you want."

If she says "What about child". You say, "let me see what I can do"...then call sister in law and ask if she can watch child for a few hours.

If she says YES then, you way "Let me see if I can find someone to watch child for a couple hours."

Quote
Fighting that wonder who she is with knot in my stomach
Where is child...hard to have affair while parenting.

Quote
She will probably call here in a while. What do I say?
Let it go to voice mail. Listen to it. Do not respond right away. Think about what she says, come up with a response.
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/13/19 01:24 AM
Oz,

It takes a really long time and effort to detach especially when you’re living with one another.
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/13/19 01:26 AM
Ok thanks RTC. Question. You said play darts together. But I thought I was supposed to be GAL on my own. I’m a little confused by this
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/13/19 01:29 AM
Ok thanks 19. On the detaching thing. If your emotionally detached then what’s left between you and W. I mean. Love is an emotion right? It’s almost like I need to stop loving her. This bit is really confusing I must admit
Posted By: Hallzy9 Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/13/19 02:48 AM
So at time of BD most W are already feeling an emotional disconnect from their H. You shouldn’t emotionally detach but lovingly detach. There is a difference. It is all about time and space. You lovingly detach for yourself to make this difficult situation easier. You will eventually get to a point where her actions and words do not bother you and do not hurt you. You can still have love for her, but need to give her the time and space she needs while using other DB tactics such as PMA and 180s.
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/13/19 03:20 AM
Pma?
Posted By: IHCLACS Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/13/19 03:33 AM
This is coming from someone who is obsessive compulsive attached. You want to detach fast? Start doing the things you were once passionate about, and for good measure, reach out of your comfort zone and try something new if your ready. Worrying about who she is with what she is doing with who, etc is going to help you learn for next time the signs when you are being played, but emotionally its going to do you no good, you need to rebuild yourself into a strong independent self with a mission and purpose no matter how small or large that is. Stop losing your identity in another person, especially one that no longer wants you. Not to sound arrogant but love yourself first before you can love someone else. I know it's hard when our identities are tied up into our family and our spouses. My purpose is singing. Always has been always will be. Now that I found a band, good guys, an outlet for it for the first time in my life. It really doesn't matter who I'm tied to her with what my situation is where I'm going to live or what I'm going to do. Is my emotional release, it always has been and always will be. The whole world can be blowing up around me but when I'm doing my thing, it doesn't matter. Go and find that, and you will find contention amongst the chaos.
Posted By: IHCLACS Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/13/19 03:42 AM
Originally Posted by ozman
Ok thanks 19. On the detaching thing. If your emotionally detached then what’s left between you and W. I mean. Love is an emotion right? It’s almost like I need to stop loving her. This bit is really confusing I must admit


It's going to take some time to build consistency between all the fluctuating emotions through all this, between the grief to sadness anger and resentment and the resignation. It's not that you need to stop loving her it's just that you need to romantically stop loving her and you need to love her from a distance. I've never broken up with a girl in my life in the five relationships I've had. But every one of them with time has healed my wounds from that and I wish them well in life. To lose a wife of 10 years is a whole new experience for me. Wish them well, detach lovingly. Detaching is not a goal you hope to achieve. Its a process of healing through time by personal growth and contentment. When you make a person the center of your life, and they leave, you lose yourself. But slowly by reestablishing yourself, you will detach a little more everyday. Sometimes with anger, sometimes with fear, sometimes with love, and eventually the more you get back to center on yourself, the more you will be able to handle the trials of getting through to the other side.
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/13/19 10:58 AM
Oz,

Yes detaching is loving from a distance.

Remember that for true love to exist you must have two willing participants.
Posted By: Cadet Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/13/19 12:50 PM
Originally Posted by Steve85
In general, the best move is sometimes no move at all. My point was that if you can't control yourself by doing something small, and slow like joejoe suggested, then do nothing.


Just to further this point.

DOING NOTHING is actually an ACTION.

Especially for you who thinks that you must DO something.

It takes a lot of will power and patience to sit back and let things come to you.

So sometimes the best action is to DO NOTHING!
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/13/19 01:27 PM
Wow thanks guys. First PMA?

IHCLACS. You are right. I went out and GAL last night. Went to a friends place. He is in the middle of D. Nasty one. But I made a new friend! We talked about how we became codependent in our spouses. How we lost who we were.

I didn’t ask permission to go. I made sure S was taken care of and said I’m going over to friends place. She said “ok have a good time”. Lol. I got anxious for nothing

I was a music major in college. Played guitar. when W and I met I was on stage in a rock band. Sadly I’ve had to sell all my guitars to cover bills

You guys have really helped me understand detaching. Thank you. It’s like looking at her objectively instead of subjectivity but you still love her

Thanks cadet and LH.

Side note. Prolly means nothing but with mentioning

She didn’t sleep using the force to levitate off the edge last night. She actually was almost on my half facing me. I’m goin for a mornin jog! It may sound stupid but I’ve gained a tiny bit of ground for me
Posted By: Cadet Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/13/19 01:49 PM
Originally Posted by ozman
I was a music major in college. Played guitar. when W and I met I was on stage in a rock band. Sadly I’ve had to sell all my guitars to cover bills

I bet there is a way to find someone that will lend you a guitar or needs you to play in their band
and will supply the guitar.

I don't know too much about this but I bet someone does.

Also you are going to need to start a new thread after one more post.
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/13/19 03:23 PM
10-4 cadet.

So running is awesome. I feel great. I feel happy and content. I’m sure it’s just the endorphins, but hey! Its a start.

And I actually feel like everything might be ok. No matter how it turns out. I’ve got to take care of me before I can take care of anybody else

You guys are great
Posted By: ozman Re: I don’t know what to do 6 - 07/13/19 03:25 PM
New thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2856912#Post2856912
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