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Posted By: HB_Wife What do I do? Part 2 - 07/08/19 11:46 PM
New thread...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2843626#Post2843626
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/08/19 11:58 PM
My stitch:

"Hello. I can't say I'm too happy to be here, but I am. Here is my story...

We have been married about 20 years, have 4 children. Around the holidays I noticed my husband acting angry towards me whenever I said anything he didn't like. At that time he was talking more and more to another married woman that he met on an online game. Little clues and my gut were telling me that they were not just friends. D-Day was in January 2019 when I happened to find out that he had told the OW that he loved her. I asked my husband if it was true, but he said no. I knew that was a lie! Later that evening I asked more questions and he confessed to saying that he loved her and he was sorry. I think I forgave him too soon. I asked more questions and he answered honestly. A few days later I asked some more questions and got more honest answers.

Fast forward to this week (March 2019) I know the EA is still ongoing. I told H that I am aware of then ongoing affair. He said nothing, other than they talk about everyday things and life. He did say that they still say I love you to each other. So basically, nothing has changed, except he is more secretive with what he does.

I have been spewed the common ILYBNILWY crap and other stuff that justifies his affair."

I have since then set up boundaries:
1. I will not share my H with another woman
2. I will not be in open relationship
3. I will not accept H texting/chatting with the OW while in my/the kids presence

Unfortunately this has not stopped the EA. He is more secretive and is at home less. Runs many errands which I believe gives him access to call her.

We just returned from our family vacation. The kids and I had a blast, he not so much. H spent most of the day back in the hotel room alone or out running errands. Oh well.

At one point I did get upset/sad knowing that he would rather share the vacation with her instead of his family. He took plenty of smiling selfies to send the OW.
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/09/19 12:06 AM
I do need advice on how to proceed on what I believe will happen next.

Awhile go I did gather Intel and learned that the OW and her family are coming to vacation in our town, thus planning on meeting my H. I am prepared to tell him to leave the home if he follows through with meeting her in person. This is where I need help with a script that will help me protect myself and make me not seem like a B**t**.

I huge part of me wants to warn her husband of what's going on, but I don't know if that's what I should do.

Guidance is much appreciated.
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/09/19 05:43 PM
Bump
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/09/19 06:08 PM
Originally Posted by HB_Wife
OW and her family are coming to vacation in our town,
What date will she arrive?

Quote
This is where I need help with a script that will help me protect myself and make me not seem like a B**t**.x
Write is out and post it here. We can help edit.

Quote
I huge part of me wants to warn her husband of what's going on, but I don't know if that's what I should
Do your research in this area before making a decision.

I do not know how many of the quote threads you have read, but you will be more informed if you read all of them:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2846984
Posted By: LH19 Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/09/19 06:10 PM
HB,

Ok so correct me if I’m wrong because I haven’t read your entire sitch, your H is having an affair? You’re not ok living in an open marriage so you are looking to set a boundary? When setting a boundary you are protecting yourself and if broken there must be consequences. Legally you can not tell him to leave the home. If he says no I’m not leaving then what’s the plan? Unless you’re ready to D him if the affair continues I’m not really sure what you can do.
Posted By: Maika Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/09/19 06:10 PM
HB - I feel you. However, most of your boundaries are unenforceable. They won't stop him from doing what he wants. I think you should revisit the boundaries thread and re-read it. Boundaries are for you, not a tool of control to what you want the other person to do. It's your own protective circle of what you allow in or not.

It's good to gather intel, but snooping for long will be detrimental to your health. You already have enough facts about what he is doing. Now you're just asking for more pain.

I wouldn't send anything to her husband. In the best case scenario if she breaks it off with him, you're still left with a H who has unresolved issues that need to be addressed. OW# 2 won't be long behind.

Go re-read Sandi's rules again. This is time for YOU and what you need to do for yourself. I wish that all the LBS could just let go right away and work on themselves, they would save themselves so much heartache and pain. Being 2 years out, that is the best advice I can give. I wish I had stopped focusing on the other person so much and just focused on myself.

Take a moment and just breathe! I know it's painful and the world is spinning, but you need to just sit still for a bit with yourself.
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/10/19 12:01 AM
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by HB_Wife
OW and her family are coming to vacation in our town,
What date will she arrive?

Quote
This is where I need help with a script that will help me protect myself and make me not seem like a B**t**.x
Write is out and post it here. We can help edit.

Quote
I huge part of me wants to warn her husband of what's going on, but I don't know if that's what I should
Do your research in this area before making a decision.

I do not know how many of the quote threads you have read, but you will be more informed if you read all of them:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2846984




They arrive at the end of July through first week in August.

I will try to write what I want to say once I figure it out.

I'll continue to read the quotes. Not sure how far I got last time.
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/10/19 12:07 AM
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by HB_Wife
OW and her family are coming to vacation in our town,
What date will she arrive?

Quote
This is where I need help with a script that will help me protect myself and make me not seem like a B**t**.x
Write is out and post it here. We can help edit.

Quote
I huge part of me wants to warn her husband of what's going on, but I don't know if that's what I should
Do your research in this area before making a decision.

I do not know how many of the quote threads you have read, but you will be more informed if you read all of them:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2846984




They arrive at the end of July through first week in August.

I will try to write what I want to say once I figure it out.

I'll continue to read the quotes. Not sure how far I got last time.
Originally Posted by LH19
HB,

Ok so correct me if I’m wrong because I haven’t read your entire sitch, your H is having an affair? You’re not ok living in an open marriage so you are looking to set a boundary? When setting a boundary you are protecting yourself and if broken there must be consequences. Legally you can not tell him to leave the home. If he says no I’m not leaving then what’s the plan? Unless you’re ready to D him if the affair continues I’m not really sure what you can do.


He is having an EA with another married woman who lives out of state. They chat/text/call/video chat daily. They do this while each other is at work or when the spouses are not home. I don't think her husband has questioned her friendship with my husband.

I guess I do need more research about boundaries. I thought I had some, but yeah, they aren't doing anything for me. Of course this is H mess to deal with and clean up once the affair gets discovered by her H or any friends/family.
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/10/19 12:13 AM
Originally Posted by Maika
HB - I feel you. However, most of your boundaries are unenforceable. They won't stop him from doing what he wants. I think you should revisit the boundaries thread and re-read it. Boundaries are for you, not a tool of control to what you want the other person to do. It's your own protective circle of what you allow in or not.

It's good to gather intel, but snooping for long will be detrimental to your health. You already have enough facts about what he is doing. Now you're just asking for more pain.

I wouldn't send anything to her husband. In the best case scenario if she breaks it off with him, you're still left with a H who has unresolved issues that need to be addressed. OW# 2 won't be long behind.

Go re-read Sandi's rules again. This is time for YOU and what you need to do for yourself. I wish that all the LBS could just let go right away and work on themselves, they would save themselves so much heartache and pain. Being 2 years out, that is the best advice I can give. I wish I had stopped focusing on the other person so much and just focused on myself.

Take a moment and just breathe! I know it's painful and the world is spinning, but you need to just sit still for a bit with yourself.



Thank you for your encouragement. I'm sorry you too have to deal with a similar situation. 2 years...wow. Can I ask what boundaries do you have in place? I guess I need more research on this topic.

I gathered that Intel awhile back, and have not looked for more, because it does make me angry.
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/10/19 11:01 PM
If he decides to meet the OW in person, this is what I plan on saying...

H: "I plan to go meet her."
Me: "I cannot stop you. You can do what you want. Be prepared to find somewhere else to live if you follow through. I cannot allow you to disrespect me or our children by meeting your affair partner."

Not sure what he will say, but last time he said, "okay, I won't go." I'm not sure if by him asking me if it's a cry for help and an excuse to tell the OW "my wife said no?" I don't get him telling me he is going to do it.

Anyone have a clue or can translate why he would bother to tell me?
Posted By: LH19 Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/10/19 11:41 PM
Did he tell you or are you speculating he will tell you?
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/11/19 06:18 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
Did he tell you or are you speculating he will tell you?



He mentioned, after his last attempt to meet her, that he would let me know if he ever met her. Of course, he could just do it and not tell me.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/11/19 06:39 PM
Originally Posted by HB_Wife
Originally Posted by LH19
Did he tell you or are you speculating he will tell you?



He mentioned, after his last attempt to meet her, that he would let me know if he ever met her. Of course, he could just do it and not tell me.


Yes indeed he could and probably would. WAS's, and in particular men going through MLC, can be very sneaky. They will say things like that because they want YOU to tell THEM when YOU meet someone. They on the other hand want to keep what they are doing completely secret.
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/12/19 02:12 AM
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Yes indeed he could and probably would. WAS's, and in particular men going through MLC, can be very sneaky. They will say things like that because they want YOU to tell THEM when YOU meet someone. They on the other hand want to keep what they are doing completely secret.


No doubt that he wants to keep it a secret. Affairs thrive in secret! Once the affair is known the fun of it starts to go away and shame comes out.

Here's to hoping the affair comes to light soon. It's his mess to clean up, not mine.

BTW going out with friends this weekend. By myself!
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/19/19 12:19 AM
Just a quick follow-up.

Throughly enjoyed going out last week! Several good hours of not thinking of H or the A.


Just enrolled in night class and attended the first class. Now I have a something else to focus on and benefit from the class in more ways than one! 🙂
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/19/19 03:36 AM
When I got home tonight H seemed sad. I asked how his dad was and he replied "just another day." I asked if he enjoyed the peace and quiet and he said he was bored.

Kids have been gone most of the week. I only called him once today and was happy when I got home. Perhaps him being alone made him realize how the future could be without his family if he decides to leave. I did feel bad for not calling after work before class, but he can't miss me if I'm available, plus he can call me if he wanted to. I hope he doesn't take it as me not caring about him. He tends to be depressed often (won't seek help) and shuts his feelings down.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/19/19 12:48 PM
HB, just wondering from your perspective:

"I asked how his dad was and he replied "just another day." I asked if he enjoyed the peace and quiet and he said he was bored."

How does that square with DBing?
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/19/19 07:00 PM
Originally Posted by Steve85
HB, just wondering from your perspective:

"I asked how his day was and he replied "just another day." I asked if he enjoyed the peace and quiet and he said he was bored."

How does that square with DBing?



Light bulb went off in my head when I read your post! I initiated the conversion last night. Do not start conversations!!!

If he starts the conversation, then I should switch my question to "tell me about your day" instead of "how was your day." Or should I avoid asking this question altogether because it seems like pursuing?
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/19/19 07:25 PM
Originally Posted by HB_Wife
If he starts the conversation, then I should switch my question to "tell me about your day" instead of "how was your day." Or should I avoid asking this question altogether because it seems like pursuing?


I wouldn't ask questions. Listen to understand and validate.
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/21/19 12:08 AM
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by HB_Wife
If he starts the conversation, then I should switch my question to "tell me about your day" instead of "how was your day." Or should I avoid asking this question altogether because it seems like pursuing?


I wouldn't ask questions. Listen to understand and validate.



Thank you. I try but he doesn't say much and when he does it's the cryptic stuff above.

Took a kids to see a movie tonight. All but one came...that one chose to stay at home but not because dad stayed home too. It was nice to laugh and be carefree for about 2 hours.
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/21/19 11:58 PM
Looking for stitches that have the LBS as the wife and the WAS the husband. I know what we say and do when DBing is the same for both sexes but it might be encouraging to hear what other women have/are going through.

Thank you.
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/25/19 12:25 AM
Not feeling that great today. I've been sick for about a week and I don't feel any better even though I'm on meds. I'm feeling pretty down today. As someone else suggested I am reading " Not Just Friends" and having a difficult time with it today. I had to put the book down because it triggered a sense of panic...how it was at BD.

H just left the house to "get himself a treat." He has made the habit to leave the house everyday. This is when he calls her...I'm pretty sure of it. I don't react or don't say more than ok. Then I get the kids ready for bed.

I'm GAL tomorrow night, which for awhile now will be my night to do something for myself.
Posted By: CSL Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/25/19 05:07 PM
[quote=HB_Wife]Looking for stitches that have the LBS as the wife and the WAS the husband. I know what we say and do when DBing is the same for both sexes but it might be encouraging to hear what other women have/are going through.

I'm with you. Much of what I am seeing lately is about WAW/WW, and although as a LBS we are all in the same, or similar boat, I believe, typically there are differences among genders. Each situation is different, and I have gained lots of knowledge and have felt supported within this forum, sometimes it is easier to relate to a situation that is similar to our own.

I'm sorry you are not feeling well. It is so hard, but so important to take care of ourselves through all of this. I was quite sick few times over the past few months and found it took me much longer than usual to recover. Hopefully getting out and doing something for yourself will help! Feel better soon!
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/25/19 05:36 PM
Mine was/is a WAH. He walked away with an OW and is reinventing himself or at least trying to. As I've often said...you can't divorce yourself and he will figure that out sooner or later. If you want interesting reading, check out my sitch. My WAH is in a league all of his own when it comes to living a double life. And that's not a good thing.

I know how tough this is HB. I went through hell. I'm happy to say, however, that I went through it and things are much, much, much better on the other side. Truth be told, my WAH was an a$$ of epic proportions to live with...moody, resentful, secretive, absent 90% of the time... Once I was able to take the blinders off and remember exactly what living him was like and face my fears, dropping the rope got that much easier - in fact, it seemed to be the only sane thing I could do given everything I found out about him - especially knowing that I probably only know 25% of what he did.

One way or the other, if you follow the advice of the people on this board (I did not do it soon enough IMO), you will get through this and be a much better, stronger, confident version of yourself whether you end up reconciling or not. Do NOT be afraid to let go. It is the only way to get him back...assuming you will even want him back at the end of this.

Feel better soon. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: CSL Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/25/19 08:39 PM
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Do NOT be afraid to let go. It is the only way to get him back...assuming you will even want him back at the end of this.


^^ This is the advice I continue to see over and over again. Often in posts where couples have reconciled. And not just on this site, but all over the web. That being said, it is so hard to do. Fear keeps holding me back. I hope that the more and more I am able to GAL, stay busy, and detach, the easier it will be to let go.
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 07/25/19 10:56 PM
Originally Posted by CSL
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Do NOT be afraid to let go. It is the only way to get him back...assuming you will even want him back at the end of this.


^^ This is the advice I continue to see over and over again. Often in posts where couples have reconciled. And not just on this site, but all over the web. That being said, it is so hard to do. Fear keeps holding me back. I hope that the more and more I am able to GAL, stay busy, and detach, the easier it will be to let go.



Thank you CSL. I also keep seeing the same phrase. I am doing my best to let go... small steps at a time, telling myself over and over that it's okay to let go and move on, to be strong for the kids etc...

I didn't GAL today...came home sick instead. Rest right now is more important to me. Plus it not often that the house is quiet and I'm alone.


DejaVu6, I'm going to look into your stitch. I hope to learn from it. Thank you for the hug.
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 08/14/19 02:20 AM
Checking in...doing my best to GAL. Taking a class once a week, going to PT for some back pain, taking the kids out 5o the movies and cooking for a friend who just had surgery.

It's funny how when I don't pursue, he gets mad. Example, he went out tonight to "run some errands" when he gets back I'm already for bed. He got upset that I did not wait to shower with him. He actually was at home when I took it, but I didn't go look for him when he arrived. I just figured he was in the kitchen chatting or playing his online game on his phone.

Question: when a guy is the LBS they are encouraged to become an alpha male. How should a female LBS carry herself? Some suggestions would be great. Thanks!
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 08/14/19 11:53 AM
Originally Posted by HB_Wife
Question: when a guy is the LBS they are encouraged to become an alpha male. How should a female LBS carry herself? Some suggestions would be great. Thanks!


That's a great question to ask. It's along the same lines. Be strong, independent, lose weight if you need to, exercise, spruce up your wardrobe. Project to your H that you don't need him, that you are recovering and detaching. The idea of all of this is to rebuild your confidence and self-worth. If you do these things you will start feeling better about yourself, you'll feel more confident and other people are going to notice and compliment you and that in turns boosts your ego. That confidence is eventually what may attract him back again. No one is attracted to sad, needy, desperate people. But strong, confident people are very attractive.

Way back before I was married I broke up with a girl I was dating and she was super sad and needy and desperate. I could not get away from her fast enough! Much later I dated and broke up with another girl who was the opposite, her attitude was "your loss" and she never looked back. She became distant and mysterious, and THAT made me wonder if I had made the right decision. It's just human nature, we don't want what comes easy to us but we do want what seems difficult to obtain.
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 08/14/19 06:42 PM
Originally Posted by HB_Wife
Question: when a guy is the LBS they are encouraged to become an alpha male. How should a female LBS carry herself? Some suggestions would be great. Thanks!



To add to what AS said:


Quote


1) Start off by living a healthy lifestyle. Make healthy choices when eating. Drink plenty of water. Get good sleep. Exercise regularly. Take care of your body. Alcohol in moderation. Set a goal to reach, and then maintain, your ideal weight.

2) Make good grooming and hygiene a ritual. Accentuate the differences between the sexes.

3) Dress with style - fit, compliment, cohesive, unique, personal touch

4) Attitude (state of mind) – Happy (smile), Cool (Open and relaxed body language), Calm (slow), Confident (eye contact), humorous, seductive (ozz sex), Depth (mysterious, surprise ), Sincere , Interesting, Engaging

5) Awareness/Flirting ( 93% of communication is non verbal (body language) – study and enjoy what you find attractive and your body will naturally follow your thoughts. It is the ladies job to catch and hold a mans eye, several times if needed. This signals it is OK for him to approach. It is the mans job to approach the woman.

6) Social proof - Enjoy interacting with everyone, especially attractive members of the opposite sex. Maintain your personal boundaries with everyone.


I believe a small selection of good smelling perfume also helps. Two of my favorites : "Guess-Original-9531" and "FireAndIce"
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 08/15/19 01:50 AM
Thank you to you both! Some good qualities to work on. In terms of what was listed, I have changed the way I dress. I did go out and buy some new clothes at the beginning of the summer. Wore a nice dress on Mother's Day... something I hadn't done in years! When I first moved here H commented on why I always dressed up for church. He's a jean and t-shirt kind of guy. I always dressed in nice clothes for church b/c it was a form of worship for me, but I stopped because he was uncomfortable and said that God doesn't look to see what you are wearing, He looks at the heart. That is true. So to regain my own identity, I am back at dressing nicely

I stopped wearing perfume when I married H b/c he doesn't like the smell. I only have one perfume I can tolerate wearing without making myself choke up! I'll have to break it out.

Attitude is everything and I want to be the best I can be!
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 08/18/19 02:19 AM
So H's birthday is coming up in a few weeks. It's a milestone birthday for him. He casually told me he didn't want a surprise party, I wasn't planning one. I did have thoughts of doing something special awhile ago, but I reminded myself that 1. it's a form of pursuit 2. he is still having an affair 3. he's not worth of it at the time b/c of his choices.
Last weekend, his sisters mentioned throwing him a surprise party. I told them that he told me not to throw him one. They said that they would be throwing him the party, not me, so I would not get in trouble with him. They don't know about his affair...no one knows but me, him, our kids and the OW (and you guys).

How do I get out of this? Or do I just go long and not worry since either way he will be mad? I can't just not show up because then questions will be asked and I'm sure I have to make sure to get him wherever they want him. Plus I'll have the kids.

Even though I won't be helping at all, H will blame me for it because I knew what they were doing.
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 08/18/19 03:41 AM
Let them throw the party.

Don't show up.
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 01/04/20 09:51 PM
Hello. I know it's been awhile since I last posted. Here's an update:

WH is still having an EA. Things have improved over the course of months and around Christmas time I saw quite of bit of warmth and affection from him. I don't know what prompted him to be kind and friendly, but I was cautiously enjoying it.

Last Monday, everything turned for the worse. He apparently got mad at me because I didn't say that he could buy a tool he wanted. Honestly, I was distracted at the moment and didn't hear him ask. He took my silence as me saying no. A few days later I told him that I never said no, he put those words into my mouth.

Currently he is avoiding me and when we are together he is trying to cause a fight. I know better and I don't engage. I ignore and show my happy side.

His feelings were hurt today because he felt like he was being ignored and his help not wanted or appreciate by the group we were with. I had nothing to do with it, since it was other people treating him that way, but somehow it's my fault.

How do you deal with someone who is always negative, down on themselves and take your validation as not needed or seen as condescending?


Tomorrow marks 1 year from BD. As I reflect back, I'm proud of how far I have come! To think that at the beginning I was considering suicide and with the Lord's help, I got out of that very dark place. The Lord has helped me enormously!

I have a very long road ahead of me still. I'm thinking that this affair won't end without the OW ending it first. I will continue to improve myself and enjoy MY life.
Posted By: phoenix7 Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 01/04/20 09:57 PM
Hi M,
I’m new here too, it might help you to be patient, take care of yourself (self care will be super important) and listen and validate your H, it’s a tough situation to be in and will feel horrible at times. But this forum is a great place to vent and get support to get through it, and know that you aren’t alone. Hang in there and breathe
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 01/04/20 10:10 PM
Originally Posted by phoenix7
Hi M,
I’m new here too, it might help you to be patient, take care of yourself (self care will be super important) and listen and validate your H, it’s a tough situation to be in and will feel horrible at times. But this forum is a great place to vent and get support to get through it, and know that you aren’t alone. Hang in there and breathe



Thank you Phoenix. It is a good feeling to know that I am not alone, to know that there are people going through the same thing as me right now.
Posted By: phoenix7 Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 01/04/20 10:10 PM
Whoops^^^ I responded to the wrong thread
Posted By: phoenix7 Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 01/04/20 10:12 PM
HB,
I will share the same encouragement with you as the other post I was trying reply to. I think no matter the sitch, it’s character and strength building and that’s the silver lining in this , if there is one, hold strong
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 01/05/20 02:32 AM
Originally Posted by phoenix7
HB,
I will share the same encouragement with you as the other post I was trying reply to. I think no matter the sitch, it’s character and strength building and that’s the silver lining in this , if there is one, hold strong


Thank you. I agree, this whole ordeal is helping me become stronger and strengthen my character. I hope to one day look back and be proud of myself for being true to my morals and faith.
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 01/09/20 12:43 AM
H has been saying the following a lot lately... "you should find [our kids] a better dad."

In past 2 weeks he has brought it up in conversation a couple times. In the past, I would respond, "no, you are a good dad." and tell him reasons why. I think he has been depressed lately (see my earlier post).

What can I say?
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 01/09/20 03:13 AM
Originally Posted by HB_Wife
H has been saying the following a lot lately... "you should find [our kids] a better dad."

In past 2 weeks he has brought it up in conversation a couple times. In the past, I would respond, "no, you are a good dad." and tell him reasons why. I think he has been depressed lately (see my earlier post).

What can I say?


I am sorry you feel that way.
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 01/12/20 11:49 PM
Thank you Ready2Change. It's hard living with someone who is always down on themselves, but it's even harder when you love them and they don't take your words as being genuine. When BD happened he mentioned that he had a hard time believing the positive things I tell him because I didn't sound sincere. Of course, over time I learned that he was saying to justify the affair... spouse is a horrible person but the AP gets me, she must be my soulmate.

Another thing I'm having to tackle is his response when the kids get invited to do something and are asking permission. Today our youngest ask to go with a family member to visit their dog. When she asked I responded, "ask your dad to make sure it's okay." His response was, " Why are you asking me? You never did before, why start now? " The thing is, I always make sure the kids ask him too. His usual response is, "I don't make the decisions, ask your mom." So here I am l searching for something to say to him without causing an argument. Help!
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 01/15/20 10:01 PM
Bump
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 01/15/20 10:58 PM

When you....
I feel....
If you....
I will....

My first thought is this:

When you do not help me make parenting decisions

Do you have more? Better? Different ideas?




Argue different. Do not fear the argument. Set your boundaries. Validate.
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 10/15/20 09:07 PM
It's been a long time since I posted here. A lot of changes since then..

HB ended the affair around February 2020. However, he and OW continued to chat on Facebook and text.

About 2 weeks ago he deleted his Facebook account (and Messenger). I no longer catch him quickly looking at texts and messages from her. All this new behavior is great!

The downside is that he gets depressed every weekend. He does nothing all weekend long and states "I'm just doing what I do best... sleep and eat." He usually ends up getting mad at me and it carries through the next week.

This past Sunday he was upset and when I asked him why he said he was just mad at the world. Well, that translated into him sleeping on the couch all week and barely talking to me. Once again he has a hard time looking at me.

My assumption is that they did break it off. This was about the time 2 years ago that the affair started. Is he mourning the affair? Is there anything I should avoid doing or saying?
Posted By: SteveLW Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 10/16/20 01:31 PM
Originally Posted by HB_Wife
It's been a long time since I posted here. A lot of changes since then..

HB ended the affair around February 2020. However, he and OW continued to chat on Facebook and text.

About 2 weeks ago he deleted his Facebook account (and Messenger). I no longer catch him quickly looking at texts and messages from her. All this new behavior is great!

The downside is that he gets depressed every weekend. He does nothing all weekend long and states "I'm just doing what I do best... sleep and eat." He usually ends up getting mad at me and it carries through the next week.

This past Sunday he was upset and when I asked him why he said he was just mad at the world. Well, that translated into him sleeping on the couch all week and barely talking to me. Once again he has a hard time looking at me.

My assumption is that they did break it off. This was about the time 2 years ago that the affair started. Is he mourning the affair? Is there anything I should avoid doing or saying?



Yes, he is in a depression over the loss of his affair. This is very common. All you can do is stay out of the way and let him mourn. Might take him a day, might take him a year. It is out of your control, just as is the possibility of starting up again.

Focus on what you can control (IE, that is you).
Posted By: HB_Wife Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 10/16/20 04:57 PM
Thanks Steve85. That's what I figured...he is heartbroken because the affair is over and he is miserable. I know he doesn't truly hates me because he still talks to me, even though he says little. He is trying to find way to make me the bad guy in all this.

I've practicing saying less and getting out of the way. That's hard for me because life at work and with family is hard right now and I don't have anyone to talk to. However, I need to maintain a happy attitude.

I hope and pray things get better and he comes out of the funk he is in again. Time to detach...again.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: What do I do? Part 2 - 10/16/20 05:01 PM
Originally Posted by HB_Wife
Thanks Steve85. That's what I figured...he is heartbroken because the affair is over and he is miserable. I know he doesn't truly hates me because he still talks to me, even though he says little. He is trying to find way to make me the bad guy in all this.

I've practicing saying less and getting out of the way. That's hard for me because life at work and with family is hard right now and I don't have anyone to talk to. However, I need to maintain a happy attitude.

I hope and pray things get better and he comes out of the funk he is in again. Time to detach...again.


Yep, I witnessed it twice with my W with both of her EAs. I witnessed it with friends that were in EAs/PAs that ended. That mourning process is a mandatory step....and it is fraught with relapses. All you can do is keep DBing.
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