Hi Jimmy, just went back to read your threads again and refresh my memory. Here's my thoughts, FWIW. It's as if you have been frozen in time. You have waited for one of two things to show up at your door.............either your W or D papers. The reason I use the word "frozen" is b/c I get the sense in reading your posts that you feel there's nothing you can do, except wait. I understand how that message often comes across in board messages. In fact, I think you even asked the question if you should just wait, and the answer was something like, "If you don't want a D, then don't do the paperwork", which is correct. A lot of what you've been told is what "not to do", which is partly due to you asking about it. However, I get the impression you are not moving forward, but rather, you're stuck. I want to encourage you to get up/out and start moving.
Back in Feb. with the BD I told her she would have to be the one to file bc I will not give up and know marriage is hard work and isn't always like the movies but I love her and believe that everything is worth working on to make a better marriage, family and relationship.
So once again 7 months and no papers.
First of all, telling her all of that above ^^^^^^^^^, made her feel that she had all the time in the world and could just put you and the M in "time out", while you put your life on hold & waited around to see what she was going to do. I really hope you listened when the posters were telling you not to say certain things or do certain things. We tell you this for your own good, b/c we see these stories over & over again.
Okay, so what would you do if the papers arrived? You've been waiting all these months, basically sounding frustrated about no D papers coming to your address. You remind us how you don't want a D, and I believe you............and so does your W. She finds it necessary to remind you that reconciliation will never happen. Why do you suppose she has to keep telling you this? Are you trying to discuss the relationship or the future with her? Are you hinting or implying how you want to save the M, or want her to move back home, etc.?
Just b/c you don't want a divorce, doesn't mean you put your life on hold. What would you be doing, if you were divorced? Maybe I should ask in a different way. If you were divorced, would you still sit at home (when you didn't have the kids) and ponder the hours away with thoughts of your XW? I know you love her, but at some point you have to start moving forward living as if you will be fine without her. You can't put everything on pause until she decides about the paper work. Do you agree? Sometimes newcomers get bogged down in words like, "
standing for the marriage". But they act as if they are
sitting for the marriage. Just so we are clear here, I don't have a problem with you standing for the M. After all, I have been on a divorce BUSTING forum for quite a while.
What I
do have a problem with is when someone acts as if their life has come to a screeching halt and/or they are suspended between two worlds while their spouse makes a decision that'll affect the rest of their lives. I guess I'm the type who believes in taking back your life.........(if you can read this with a completely balanced mindset). In other words, you detach from your W and stop bothering her about the status of the MR. You just leave her alone and let her live her life, while you live yours. If you find out she's in an A, and you want to D her, then so be it. Right now, I don't think an A is a deal breaker for you, but that might change. Anyway, the point is that you keep moving along with your life. You don't sit around waiting on her, except in the sense that you aren't ready to file for a D.
What have you done the past seven months to GAL?
What are your personal goals, (not getting your W back).
Have you tried something that was a totally new experience lately?
How much do you hang out with other guy friends who aren't your relatives?
Have you changed anything inside/outside of the house since your W left?
Do you catch yourself informing your W (or her folks) about your activities? I'm talking about the activities when you aren't keeping the kids.
Do you feel awkward going somewhere without your W?
Do you really want to hear the key to what will give you the greater chance in attracting your W back into the MR? Drop the emotional rope and move forward and learn to enjoy life as if you knew she'd never return. For the record, I am not telling you to go out there and get involved with another woman. If you were legally divorced, you might start dating again, but I'm not talking about that part. What would you do to enjoy your life without your W? How or what would you do to become a better version of yourself? Stop pursuing through texting, asking personal questions, hinting, trying to change her mind and placing emotional pressure on her. Get busy reinventing yourself and creating a richer life. Find out what/who you are truly mad at (thus causing you to talk the way you do, and/or your attitude). Fix your inner problems, and leave your W alone. If you are like a lot of people, you'll discover it is a full time job, just working on you.
I'll never forget one man who got agitated after reading similar advice, and said if he knew this was nothing more than a self-improvement forum, he would have never signed up. Here's the thing. We can share information we've gleaned over the years, but if you aren't doing something to improve yourself as a man, then you probably can't do anything to improve your MR........much less, convince your W to return. So,
that's your starting mark. You start with YOU. GAL like crazy! Go to therapy, take a class in something different than your usual line of interest, go on an excursion, try something new, make new friends, volunteer to help someone, start a new hobby, etc. It's about the experience and expanding your capacity. ((hugs))