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Last ditch ?

Posted By: JimmyRig

Last ditch ? - 06/30/19 01:00 PM

She wants to tell the boys why we are not living together and I would like to talk before we tell the boys.

Its been 12 months since the argument that really started the ball openly rolling to divorce in her head.

Should I just say ok and we'll talk with the boys and ask about papers?

She does not want to talk to any therapists, has been living at her parents nearby for 4 months and the boys have been splitting time in our house and there.

My other thread was/ is "what should I do? Ignore?

thanks
Posted By: JimmyRig

Re: Last ditch ? - 06/30/19 01:03 PM

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2841305&page=1

My story
Posted By: JimmyRig

Re: Last ditch ? - 06/30/19 01:21 PM

She says its been 12 months and want to move on with her life.

She said back in February in an argument not worry papers will be coming and took off her rings.

Do I just face it and continue to DB, letting go and GAL and we tell the boys.

I know talking to her will not magically change her mind.

Its the end of June and still no papers.
Posted By: LB55

Re: Last ditch ? - 06/30/19 04:42 PM


She hasnít followed through on her threat of papers. Is she going to? Who knows??

Are you going to file papers for her? She will really appreciate being able to tell everyone you are the one leaving and how itís your fault and then she can be guilt free.

She is a big girl and she can take care of the legal end of leaving if thatís what she wants to do. She wants to mod on because itís been 12 months. Cool. She can handle the details.

If you want to be done then you can file for D. It wonít bring her back though so itís got to be what you want.

Otherwise Keep up the DB. Thatís all you can do.
Posted By: JimmyRig

Re: Last ditch ? - 07/01/19 02:25 AM

Thx LB55 I agree

The last communication was "we haven't discussed the house, finances, or schedules" from me and she replies with ""all of that will remain status quo"

WTF is status quo.

no questions from me
no answers from her?
Posted By: LB55

Re: Last ditch ? - 07/01/19 03:14 AM

Originally Posted by JimmyRig


no questions from me
no answers from her?


If you donít ask for what you want you will never get it.

You didnít ask a question and got no answers. Does this surprise you?

You might as well have said ďI like hamburgers, milkshakes, and coffee.Ē All of that will remain status quo too. Giving you a hard time Jimmy but ask a question if you want an answer.
Posted By: AnotherStander

Re: Last ditch ? - 07/01/19 03:11 PM

Originally Posted by JimmyRig
She wants to tell the boys why we are not living together and I would like to talk before we tell the boys.


She's been gone 4 months and NOW she wants to have that talk? It should have happened before she left. Your response to her should be "let me know when and where and I will be there." Don't do the work for her, but if she does it then do show up.

If you have the talk then don't throw her under the bus, but don't lie for her either. When we had that talk with our kids we kept the focus on them, that it had nothing to do with them, they had done nothing wrong, and we both would remain united in support of them.

Quote
Should I just say ok and we'll talk with the boys and ask about papers?


Do not ever say a word about D papers unless YOU want the D. It's often "out of sight out of mind" for the WAS, but if you bring it up then she may decide to get the ball rolling again.

Quote
She does not want to talk to any therapists


Good. They will just encourage her to pursue D.
Posted By: JimmyRig

Re: Last ditch ? - 07/02/19 01:45 AM

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
[quote=JimmyRig]She wants to tell the boys why we are not living together and I would like to talk before we tell the boys.


She's been gone 4 months and NOW she wants to have that talk? It should have happened before she left. Your response to her should be "let me know when and where and I will be there." Don't do the work for her, but if she does it then do show up.

If you have the talk then don't throw her under the bus, but don't lie for her either. When we had that talk with our kids we kept the focus on them, that it had nothing to do with them, they had done nothing wrong, and we both would remain united in support of them.

Anotherbystander : What do you mean "don't lie for her either?
Posted By: JimmyRig

Re: Last ditch ? - 07/02/19 02:01 PM

Anotherbystander : What do you mean "don't lie for her either?

thx
Posted By: kas99

Re: Last ditch ? - 07/02/19 02:35 PM

My husband left 4 months ago as well. In my case he went out and immediately did everything he could to hurry the divorce along. Not sure about your kids. My husband told them (and me) he wanted a divorce, moved out 4 days later and that was the end of that. I quit asking questions 2 months ago (we don't even talk now) and yes we are still at status quo. Status quo in my situation means he gets to keep me in limbo. We've agreed on a settlement and he still hasn't filed. I do not nor will I ever ask about the status on that. If he wants the divorce then he can file for it. It's absolutely true if I file he would get to tell the kids I'm the bad guy. As long as he pays my bills I can wait. If he doesn't pay my bills then he gets to be the bad guy. I'm NOT going to be the bad guy in this situation.
Posted By: AnotherStander

Re: Last ditch ? - 07/02/19 02:39 PM

She wants S and D and you do not, correct? I just mean don't let her browbeat you into stating that it was a mutual decision. WAS's want to deflect blame onto the LBS, so they might be inclined to say something like "mommy needs to leave daddy because he's been mean to mommy" or "mommy and daddy discussed this and we both feel it's for the best". NO, don't let her blame you for this. My XW and I discussed what we were going to say beforehand and I suggested we focus on the kids, I told her that if it came down to blaming I was not going to sit there and let her blame me for this when she was the one leaving. So I suggested it would be best not to bring that up. And she didn't, and the kids didn't ask.
Posted By: JimmyRig

Re: Last ditch ? - 07/04/19 01:53 AM

Thanks kas99

Gotta keep on keeping on and hope it turns around.
Posted By: JimmyRig

Re: Last ditch ? - 07/04/19 05:54 PM

I take the boys to the beach today till noon and drop them off at the in-laws and she comes out to help get the toys and sand off them. They're going to another friends pool and bbq She proceeds to ask me if I have any plans tonight and if I would like to go see fireworks with them and some friends but not to read in to it.

I say I'm going to a bbq but I could meet the at the beach near dark. She says the boys could sleep over bc it is my night even tho I'll have them all weekend for a cub scout camp out.

Then a half hour later I get a text saying "I just thought it would be easier if they slept home tonight. (the in-laws are 1/2 mile away) And to please not read into it bc we will never reconcile"

I just let it lay and did not respond.

Back and forth back and forth. Once again who ever said it was right if even 1/2 the energy that was spent trying not to work at a marriage or the energy it takes to stay in limbo was put into working on being better together the marriage would work.

Happy 4th
Posted By: CanBird

Re: Last ditch ? - 07/09/19 07:33 AM

Lady in limbo here, with d3. H in MLC. Dropped the bomb in March. H went away to sea/work for 6 months, returns, if he does, in November. Currently, I've been getting notifications of his online purchases,(all clothes,like he's going on vacation?) and the last 2 have been women's footwear! chuck taylor converse and flip flops?(something his mom might wear or me) Nothing delivered here. WTF?

Anyway, I'm totally on board with not doing anything I don't want to do. If you want a D, then you do the work. The more I think about my spouse in a different light, they are going through a challenge, they need to work/ fix themselves, the easier it is for me to work on myself.

Nothing our spouses do here makes any sense to us. It's their journey to figure out. Mine H said no to talking to someone too. I really thought that would be a good thing, and I said a lot of the wrong things before I knew about DB. I'm sorry you're kids have to deal with this too.

I'd continue DB and being the best Dad you can be in this situation.
Posted By: Tryhard

Re: Last ditch ? - 07/09/19 09:10 AM

Jimmy she is temp checking you . You got a great response from Canbird . Time to show her what you are made of.
Posted By: JimmyRig

Need advice !!! - 08/24/19 03:40 AM

I haven't been on in a while except to read not post.

My wife and I have been on the rocks for over a year and then she BD's in february but no papers come. Then She theatens that papers are coming again in June and still no papers. She has been at her mothers house since April and the boys have been splitting time there and at our house.

I've gotten the "i'm not in love w u .................." and this whole thing was a mistake except for our sons.

She says she not into working on things and we need to move on and she does not see change possible in this relationship. Been married almost 8 and together 11. Boys are 5 and 7 and keep mentioning when are we all going to be back in the same house She has been sick with a lung issue on and off since April and the boys think she is at her moms for help with the health issue. We have not had major fights in front of them ever just the normal ish disagreements. I've been DB ing since May. Several times has denied an affair but ya never know.

Tonight the boys had swim lessons and we sat next to each other for 1/2 an hour chatting about work and the boys school stuff coming up. We said good night and the boys and I came home for pizza a movie and bed.

She just now texts me we need to talk to the boys about us not living together. I don't want a divorce. I don't want to tell the boys anything and I'm not leaving our house.

How should I proceed? Ignore it? Tell her i'm not interested in telling the boys anything and would like to work on our relationship?

Advise away !!!!!!!
Posted By: JimmyRig

Re: Need advice !!! - 08/24/19 04:23 AM

Back in Feb. with the BD I told her she would have to be the one to file bc I will not give up and know marriage is hard work and isn't always like the movies but I love her and believe that everything is worth working on to make a better marriage, family and relationship.

So once again 7 months and no papers.

I want to ask her to come back into the house and we could take everything slow. Sleep in separate rooms and concentrate on easing back in to a rhythm, talking, communicating, accepting the past and focusing on the future.
I feel her mothers house is adding to the negative energy. Its the in-laws house a 1/2 mile away, she and the boys are guests. The boys can bit a bit much for grandparents when they are used to only seeing them after school for pick up.

I want to validate her feelings but not give up. She says we need to move on with our lives and I say yes lets move with OUR lives and make a better marriage. Or do I just say we can have a discussion with the boys when there are papers in hand?

Thanks

Thoughts ? Advice?
Posted By: job

Re: Need advice !!! - 08/24/19 11:57 AM

I have merged your two threads together. Please stick to one thread until you've reached 100 postings/replies. You can changed your subject within a thread at any time.
Posted By: sandi2

Re: Need advice !!! - 08/24/19 07:53 PM

Hi Jimmy, just went back to read your threads again and refresh my memory. Here's my thoughts, FWIW. It's as if you have been frozen in time. You have waited for one of two things to show up at your door.............either your W or D papers. The reason I use the word "frozen" is b/c I get the sense in reading your posts that you feel there's nothing you can do, except wait. I understand how that message often comes across in board messages. In fact, I think you even asked the question if you should just wait, and the answer was something like, "If you don't want a D, then don't do the paperwork", which is correct. A lot of what you've been told is what "not to do", which is partly due to you asking about it. However, I get the impression you are not moving forward, but rather, you're stuck. I want to encourage you to get up/out and start moving.

Quote
Back in Feb. with the BD I told her she would have to be the one to file bc I will not give up and know marriage is hard work and isn't always like the movies but I love her and believe that everything is worth working on to make a better marriage, family and relationship.

So once again 7 months and no papers.


First of all, telling her all of that above ^^^^^^^^^, made her feel that she had all the time in the world and could just put you and the M in "time out", while you put your life on hold & waited around to see what she was going to do. I really hope you listened when the posters were telling you not to say certain things or do certain things. We tell you this for your own good, b/c we see these stories over & over again.

Okay, so what would you do if the papers arrived? You've been waiting all these months, basically sounding frustrated about no D papers coming to your address. You remind us how you don't want a D, and I believe you............and so does your W. She finds it necessary to remind you that reconciliation will never happen. Why do you suppose she has to keep telling you this? Are you trying to discuss the relationship or the future with her? Are you hinting or implying how you want to save the M, or want her to move back home, etc.?

Just b/c you don't want a divorce, doesn't mean you put your life on hold. What would you be doing, if you were divorced? Maybe I should ask in a different way. If you were divorced, would you still sit at home (when you didn't have the kids) and ponder the hours away with thoughts of your XW? I know you love her, but at some point you have to start moving forward living as if you will be fine without her. You can't put everything on pause until she decides about the paper work. Do you agree? Sometimes newcomers get bogged down in words like, "standing for the marriage". But they act as if they are sitting for the marriage. Just so we are clear here, I don't have a problem with you standing for the M. After all, I have been on a divorce BUSTING forum for quite a while. smile What I do have a problem with is when someone acts as if their life has come to a screeching halt and/or they are suspended between two worlds while their spouse makes a decision that'll affect the rest of their lives. I guess I'm the type who believes in taking back your life.........(if you can read this with a completely balanced mindset). In other words, you detach from your W and stop bothering her about the status of the MR. You just leave her alone and let her live her life, while you live yours. If you find out she's in an A, and you want to D her, then so be it. Right now, I don't think an A is a deal breaker for you, but that might change. Anyway, the point is that you keep moving along with your life. You don't sit around waiting on her, except in the sense that you aren't ready to file for a D.

What have you done the past seven months to GAL?
What are your personal goals, (not getting your W back).
Have you tried something that was a totally new experience lately?
How much do you hang out with other guy friends who aren't your relatives?
Have you changed anything inside/outside of the house since your W left?
Do you catch yourself informing your W (or her folks) about your activities? I'm talking about the activities when you aren't keeping the kids.
Do you feel awkward going somewhere without your W?

Do you really want to hear the key to what will give you the greater chance in attracting your W back into the MR? Drop the emotional rope and move forward and learn to enjoy life as if you knew she'd never return. For the record, I am not telling you to go out there and get involved with another woman. If you were legally divorced, you might start dating again, but I'm not talking about that part. What would you do to enjoy your life without your W? How or what would you do to become a better version of yourself? Stop pursuing through texting, asking personal questions, hinting, trying to change her mind and placing emotional pressure on her. Get busy reinventing yourself and creating a richer life. Find out what/who you are truly mad at (thus causing you to talk the way you do, and/or your attitude). Fix your inner problems, and leave your W alone. If you are like a lot of people, you'll discover it is a full time job, just working on you. wink

I'll never forget one man who got agitated after reading similar advice, and said if he knew this was nothing more than a self-improvement forum, he would have never signed up. Here's the thing. We can share information we've gleaned over the years, but if you aren't doing something to improve yourself as a man, then you probably can't do anything to improve your MR........much less, convince your W to return. So, that's your starting mark. You start with YOU. GAL like crazy! Go to therapy, take a class in something different than your usual line of interest, go on an excursion, try something new, make new friends, volunteer to help someone, start a new hobby, etc. It's about the experience and expanding your capacity. ((hugs))
Posted By: JimmyRig

Re: Need advice !!! - 08/29/19 02:05 AM

Thanks Sandy I just read this as I got home from school. We just started Fac./Staff days and the students come next week so its been a adjustment from summer job and seeing the boys all the time.

But to answer the good questions you asked here are my answers

What have you done the past seven months to GAL?
When I don't have the boys i'm out sailing, running or biking and also house stuff so when I do have them i'm not stuck with chores when they are here.

What are your personal goals, (not getting your W back).
My personal goals are to be a better teacher and faster and stronger in my outdoor pursuits..

Have you tried something that was a totally new experience lately? yes

How much do you hang out with other guy friends who aren't your relatives? Couple nights a week and sat night and sundays

Have you changed anything inside/outside of the house since your W left? Not really except to keep it up better

Do you catch yourself informing your W (or her folks) about your activities? I'm talking about the activities when you aren't keeping the kids. Not really

Do you feel awkward going somewhere without your W? No and I've gone to parties or bbq's with friends.

10 4 on the improving myself

Should I just say I love you enough to let you go?

What is she waiting for to file?

thanks
Posted By: JimmyRig

Re: Need advice !!! - 09/08/19 02:09 PM

I received mediation papers via email a week ago and snail mail and forwarded them to my attny. He contacted her attny. and has not received any requests or paperwork about how she would like to proceed.

I'm still DBing and getting out and GALing. I'm still in our house and she at her parents down the road. The boys started school which is 1/2 way between us and they will still split time with us but I will not split time in our house.

What should I do just sit tight and keep on keeping on?

Any advice, experiences or expectations that people have had in a similiar situation would be great.

Thx
Posted By: JimmyRig

Re: Need advice !!! - 09/09/19 05:33 PM

Any words of help or advice????

Thx
Posted By: SoTorn

Re: Need advice !!! - 09/09/19 07:50 PM

Just keep focusing on yourself. There is nothing else you can do. Better yourself every day.
Posted By: crdcheck

Re: Need advice !!! - 09/09/19 08:54 PM

Jimmy, really sorry to hear this, it's heartbreaking. I read Sandi's post from earlier and that's still good advice, hold to it. For my sitch I keep working toward being AMOAFWL. If our Ws leave us then so be it, we come out the other side stronger with or without them.

I will echo the advice others have shared and that is that there is nothing you can do to change her mind, convince her to stay, she has to come to that on her own. I believe that means that she either needs to see her "new" life getting worse (reality sets in) or you becoming better (or some combination).

It sounds like you've been GALing up a storm and being a great dad. I'll also assume that you aren't pursuing and therefore giving her the space she's demanded. Keep that up. Maybe even find more new things to do.

One proactive suggestion (i.e. not related to anything you've said thus far) is that this D is her "project", she needs to do the work. If she wants to use a mediator, fine (better than litigation) - she can schedule the sessions and they can't always be inconvenient for you. She wants to sell the house? Great, she can find the realtor. Etc. etc. If you're like many of us you'll want to help, show her what a great guy you are. Don't. This is on her.
Posted By: JimmyRig

Re: Need advice !!! - 09/10/19 02:00 AM

Thx crdcheck

Anyone else with good words????

thx
Posted By: Steve85

Re: Need advice !!! - 09/10/19 12:59 PM

Jimmy, hold your head high, my friend! This too shall pass. All things happen for a reason, and you are not only going to be fine, you are going to be better than ever.

Concentrate on your kids. And when not with them GAL. Continue to work on you 180s. Continue to be self-differentiated (lovingly detached). Allow your R with her to switch to coparent, and just be the best Jimmy you can be. There are better things in store for you, whether with her or someone new.

Look at AnotherStander. He's been through this and is better today than he's ever been!!
Posted By: JimmyRig

Re: Need advice !!! - 09/13/19 10:51 PM

Thx Steve85
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