Possible WH or ??? - 05/29/19 09:21 PM
Hi all! So I’m not sure if this is where to post but il give it a go! I’ve been reading through your threads since last year and although it’s helped hugely, I’m a bit stuck!
Maybe first some background will help...il try keep it short My H and I have been married 12 years, together 14. After a miscarriage, prem birth of twins, an unplanned pregnancy (4th child) and death of a loved one, I became very unwell and was eventually after extreme depression and manic episodes, diagnosed bipolar. Navigating my way through this tough time I basically abandoned all my H’s needs (hindsight!) and focused on myself. A close friends husband became my lifeline as he had experienced depression too. This was an EA that resulted in a one time PA.
I told my H, devastated of course and said it was over. This was 5 years ago. We stayed living together and tried to work though it but I very quickly got the ILYBNILWY. We sort of limped through living together hoping the feelings would come back. Eventually last year his mood took a turn for the worse, very distant, angry and I suspected EA/PA.
Usual hiding phone/out a lot more/mood swings etc...he suddenly decided to move out. I discovered that it was an EA while he was still here and then there was a one night PA before OW said she’d got what she wanted..he was very definitely used and it was over before if found out . I found out by going through his phone. Bad I know, but I just knew and he’d made me feel like I was going crazy.
So now we don’t live together but things seemed to be getting better (I believe he was depressed and hearing the “you’ve tried your best, you deserve to be happy” speechfrom OW was maybe why he moved out). I was punished for years after my A, particularly starved of any affection When I found out about his, although I was upset, I understood an A was a symptom of an unhappy marriage and asked him simply that I wanted us to learn from it if we got back together. I’ve been actively DB’ing as best I can and it drew him back, dates/affectionate and he even said he was feeling some potential new feelings, however it’s back to old patterns again.
We don’t fight, we have had a lot of very difficult honest conversations about owning our mistakes and that we want to move forward. He still says ILYBNILWY, however he wants it to work he just doesn’t know how to make his feelings come back. I understand I can’t fix that. I guess I’m here to ask, is 5 years waiting for his feelings to change to long? Am I a long term plan B? Should I be DB’ing or piecing? I’m not scared of divorce, neither has mentioned it. I have a large group of friends, am GAL and do 180s as best I can. I can’t figure out where I went wrong...the DB’ing after his A came out definitely worked but it’s like he says he’s into it but doesn’t seem to be working on himself as hard as you’d think someone dedicated to saving their marriage would be.
I will add I am impatient and after years of no affection was definitely very needy by the time he left. My psychiatrist works through that with me and I’m miles better. He’s brilliant with our kids, we have a schedule for his access, financial support, helps round the house etc. Now however after our last R convo (which I shouldn’t have done) we have decided to still be together but back away from each other a bit. We’ve set boundaries that basically say I’m not chasing anymore and the intimacy/spending time alone together can come from him and we won’t discuss it for a month. I’m not going to start any R convo even at the end of the month and my response will be “I will happily listen if you want to talk”. Then I can validate and shut my mouth (180 for me) and saying I’m going with the flow (again a 180). Ive been Mr Fixit in this M for years...I just have a feeling that now I’m getting pretty detached and fed up, he won’t pick up and do some work. And he hasn’t initiated spending any time together alone/affection or contact me much since our little one month agreement.
I appreciate this is possibly just him allowing me space too. I know I would be fine without him, I’d just ideally like my marriage to work because I do love him. There’s lots more little bits of detail I am happy to share if it would help...but basically I’m stuck with what else to do other than stay married but unloved or what?? P.S my bipolar mood has been well controlled for years now and I don’t believe he finds it difficult to ”manage” me, he’s very supportive.
Thanks for reading
Maybe first some background will help...il try keep it short My H and I have been married 12 years, together 14. After a miscarriage, prem birth of twins, an unplanned pregnancy (4th child) and death of a loved one, I became very unwell and was eventually after extreme depression and manic episodes, diagnosed bipolar. Navigating my way through this tough time I basically abandoned all my H’s needs (hindsight!) and focused on myself. A close friends husband became my lifeline as he had experienced depression too. This was an EA that resulted in a one time PA.
I told my H, devastated of course and said it was over. This was 5 years ago. We stayed living together and tried to work though it but I very quickly got the ILYBNILWY. We sort of limped through living together hoping the feelings would come back. Eventually last year his mood took a turn for the worse, very distant, angry and I suspected EA/PA.
Usual hiding phone/out a lot more/mood swings etc...he suddenly decided to move out. I discovered that it was an EA while he was still here and then there was a one night PA before OW said she’d got what she wanted..he was very definitely used and it was over before if found out . I found out by going through his phone. Bad I know, but I just knew and he’d made me feel like I was going crazy.
So now we don’t live together but things seemed to be getting better (I believe he was depressed and hearing the “you’ve tried your best, you deserve to be happy” speechfrom OW was maybe why he moved out). I was punished for years after my A, particularly starved of any affection When I found out about his, although I was upset, I understood an A was a symptom of an unhappy marriage and asked him simply that I wanted us to learn from it if we got back together. I’ve been actively DB’ing as best I can and it drew him back, dates/affectionate and he even said he was feeling some potential new feelings, however it’s back to old patterns again.
We don’t fight, we have had a lot of very difficult honest conversations about owning our mistakes and that we want to move forward. He still says ILYBNILWY, however he wants it to work he just doesn’t know how to make his feelings come back. I understand I can’t fix that. I guess I’m here to ask, is 5 years waiting for his feelings to change to long? Am I a long term plan B? Should I be DB’ing or piecing? I’m not scared of divorce, neither has mentioned it. I have a large group of friends, am GAL and do 180s as best I can. I can’t figure out where I went wrong...the DB’ing after his A came out definitely worked but it’s like he says he’s into it but doesn’t seem to be working on himself as hard as you’d think someone dedicated to saving their marriage would be.
I will add I am impatient and after years of no affection was definitely very needy by the time he left. My psychiatrist works through that with me and I’m miles better. He’s brilliant with our kids, we have a schedule for his access, financial support, helps round the house etc. Now however after our last R convo (which I shouldn’t have done) we have decided to still be together but back away from each other a bit. We’ve set boundaries that basically say I’m not chasing anymore and the intimacy/spending time alone together can come from him and we won’t discuss it for a month. I’m not going to start any R convo even at the end of the month and my response will be “I will happily listen if you want to talk”. Then I can validate and shut my mouth (180 for me) and saying I’m going with the flow (again a 180). Ive been Mr Fixit in this M for years...I just have a feeling that now I’m getting pretty detached and fed up, he won’t pick up and do some work. And he hasn’t initiated spending any time together alone/affection or contact me much since our little one month agreement.
I appreciate this is possibly just him allowing me space too. I know I would be fine without him, I’d just ideally like my marriage to work because I do love him. There’s lots more little bits of detail I am happy to share if it would help...but basically I’m stuck with what else to do other than stay married but unloved or what?? P.S my bipolar mood has been well controlled for years now and I don’t believe he finds it difficult to ”manage” me, he’s very supportive.
Thanks for reading