I'm not sure if i'm in the right place..... W left while i was away for work. Came home found a note.
She had taken the kids and our dogs to a long-time family friends out of state.
I was new to this so sent plea texts and e-mails.....
On 05/16/2019 she replied no chance.
If this is the right place i can add details...
I am reeling from it all - "raw" is an understatement..
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
P.S. - This is the right place - Post away!
Hi Cadet -
Thx for the speedy reply.
I've lurked here since shortly after BD.....read a lot here....
I'm just hoping to find some encouragement. I don't have many friends local to me, despite being social.... W really is not social except with work-related colleagues... so haven't made friends.
I've met w/ic and unbeknownst to me, W has been for nearly a yr. We had seen MC before, but same story focusing strictly on my gunk. No violence, PA, EA...just huge emotional destruction.
Anyway, thanks for having a platform to connect to as i begin this next chapter of life. I am just.... well i suppose you understand.
Awakened
I am just.... well i suppose you understand.
Yeah I been there done that, this is a good place to vent, cry, let it all out.
I have been here for 10 years, so I was close to your age when bomb fell on top of me.
It will get better, I promise, unfortunately it involves my dreaded GIFT of TIME
Dont be too quick to dismiss cheating! Especially if it helps your legal case.
Im in the opposite situation. She isnt leaving but shes already gone emotionally. Even so, youll get better in time as long as you dont let it kill you.
Yes, i've been doing the sobbing thing....hyperventilating, etc. I rec'd the BD while at work just checking pers. e-mail. I was still dealing w/ her leaving with the taking the kids (which resulted in the same sobbing, etc the BD did).
At the BD, I immediately jumped out of my chair and reached out to my three closest friends (two are out of state). Chatted briefly w/one as i tried to settle down. Went back to my office ignorantly thinking i would complete the tasks ahead of me - ha! - that was a 'no chance Charlie' assumption! Hands were shaking so bad i couldn't type.....
I wrote a brief note for my boss who was taking a webinar interrupting her with it's urgency. She immediately pulled off her headphones. We stepped into a conference room and i spilled my guts and sobbed. She began to cry as well and hugged me (no attraction - she's like an older sister). We prayed and she pretty much told me to go home, not to worry about the tasks and not to come in on Friday. Yeah, re-started the sobbing....
I had, thankfully, set an appt., with an ic for that day. I went in to the appt., very raw. The ic was very helpful and especially after he had read the initial note and subsequent BD.
W said she will not return home until i have left the house so i'm reeling from the reality of that.... i think i need to vomit...
I'm not angry at my stbxw and completely admit/'own up', apologize for my part of the years of ugliness btw us. Ultimately, i will continue on with getting the help i need. Hopeful, maybe, for re-unification, but I really cannot see it.
Dont be too quick to dismiss cheating! Especially if it helps your legal case.
Im in the opposite situation. She isnt leaving but shes already gone emotionally. Even so, youll get better in time as long as you dont let it kill you.
Thanks Oops13!
I appreciate your suggestion with keeping an open mind. However, there really is no way - that just isn't part of her character make-up (nor mine).
Is it Nietzsche who said something like that which does not kills us makes us stronger? I don't believe that quote is copyrighted, but if so....sorry to the Mod(s)!!!
I'm definitely in the "seek out support and contact with other human beans" mode!!! Even utube is something!
Again, thanks for the encouragement - i'm drinking it in!
Awakened
W said she will not return home until i have left the house so i'm reeling from the reality of that.... i think i need to vomit...
DONT leave your house until you are ordered to do so by a judge.
Fight for visitation with your children.
W said she will not return home until i have left the house so i'm reeling from the reality of that.... i think i need to vomit...
DONT leave your house until you are ordered to do so by a judge.
Fight for visitation with your children.
Cadet -
Thank you for this!!! I just read about that very thing this morning.
W said she wants this to be amicable which i believe, but want to protect myself as well. We are both deeply committed "participants" in our faith and i do believe she doesn't want this to be bloody, but....i don't want to be on the loss-side of anything (especially as pertains to seeing my children).
Awakened (name chosen specifically to identify me as coming out of profound apathy)
So during your marriage if your wife said "JUMP" did you ask how high?
I am going to assume the answer to this question is YES.
So this is something that you have to work on within your self.
W said she will not return home until i have left the house so i'm reeling from the reality of that.... i think i need to vomit...
DONT leave your house until you are ordered to do so by a judge.
Fight for visitation with your children.
Addendum to my un-yet posted 1st response....
I am afraid W will contact PD initiating a TRO or some such device....never been any DV at all - not even close. Mutual verbal battering....yeah, probably agree to that..., but nothing that would legally substantiate a TRO. Unfortunately, i believe the on-site PO makes that call.
Ultimately, confrontation would add stress and hurt to the kids....but I'll fight for 'em all the same if i have a plausible path to take.
So during your marriage if your wife said "JUMP" did you ask how high?
I am going to assume the answer to this question is YES.
So this is something that you have to work on within your self.
Ha ha ha ha!!!!!
Oh my life - too funny. Yeah, no and that is big part of our 19-yr marriage disaster.
Unstoppable force meets immovable object. That's been us -
W didn't always instigate the conflict (shared - unknown %), but my failure was not backing down or responding in a more healthy way to diffuse it. Sort of like poking a bear with a sharp stick, eventually (when awakened), the bear is going to respond....
Awakened - Take this as advice from an internet stranger who hasn’t gone through BD yet, but does worry about this very scenario (served by RO with no good reason). I hesitate to even post this:
Consider contacting a family lawyer. Many offer free 30-minute consults. Be discreet. Find one you are comfortable with, ask about the RO scenario. Then if you are served, you have someone to contact immediately as representation. Only you know if there would be valid reason for a RO or kick-out order.
Also agree with other advice here... do not move out of your house. YOU are not making this ugly for your kids, your W is. You have rights, stand up for yourself, but do so calmly and without anger.
So, I'm going to be verbose as i have a lot to "say" and don't have another venue to vomit....
In my previous posts in this, my fledgling post, i mentioned sobbing and crying... This activity is highly unusual for me and tbh something i need to flesh-out in counselling.
When I first arrived home from the airport and discovered my W, D+S and dogs gone my body wracked, I nearly passed out, and i literally cried out in a loud voice as the sobbing began.
I was surprised at the sounds and feelings my body was making/doing.... I'd never had a feeling like that. It's happened a time or two since then as well.
I can say without exception this is the most horrendous, painful thing I have ever experienced (W used these very terms to describe our relationship these last couple years).
Awakened - Take this as advice from an internet stranger who hasn’t gone through BD yet, but does worry about this very scenario (served by RO with no good reason). I hesitate to even post this:
Consider contacting a family lawyer. Many offer free 30-minute consults. Be discreet. Find one you are comfortable with, ask about the RO scenario. Then if you are served, you have someone to contact immediately as representation. Only you know if there would be valid reason for a RO or kick-out order.
Also agree with other advice here... do not move out of your house. YOU are not making this ugly for your kids, your W is. You have rights, stand up for yourself, but do so calmly and without anger.
Unchien -
Thank you for your encouragement and humbly submitted advice.
Your advice echos what I've read in other places.
I have already made things ugly for my kids by not handling conflict better (and W has her investment in it as well), but I also will not passively surrender my rights.
W's concern is that i have firearms - which i do. In retrospect, i should have had all of them locked up and put away. Unfortunately, a couple of them were not locked up and had magazines in them.
No bullets able to be fired unless cycled into the chamber (sorry about the "&un speak").
However, W has contended she feels unsafe and that the kids are not safe.
I suspect this changes everything..... but to restate, I have never, ever threatened, insinuated, hinted at, etc violence or harm in any way, shape, or form. Not even once. Ever.
I am living in the cloud of ignorance of these matters.
Unfortunately, given our respective employers ("Christian" institutions) we are not compensated comparatively with secular/non-"Christian" institutions. So we/I do not have large fund reserves to "fight", but I may have to consider financing options.
I never, ever thought i would see days like these...
So, I'm going to be verbose as i have a lot to "say" and don't have another venue to vomit....
In my previous posts in this, my fledgling post, i mentioned sobbing and crying... This activity is highly unusual for me and tbh something i need to flesh-out in counselling.
When I first arrived home from the airport and discovered my W, D+S and dogs gone my body wracked, I nearly passed out, and i literally cried out in a loud voice as the sobbing began.
I was surprised at the sounds and feelings my body was making/doing.... I'd never had a feeling like that. It's happened a time or two since then as well.
I can say without exception this is the most horrendous, painful thing I have ever experienced (W used these very terms to describe our relationship these last couple years).
Yea I could give you some biological reasons why this has happened, but this is why this is called BOMB DROP.
Add in to it that as a man, you are entering your own middle age, your testosterone is lower than it was thirty years ago, so your estrogen is higher which makes you more emotional than you used to be.
All of these reactions are perfectly "normal" for what has happened.
Best to head the process straight on and not avoid the feelings.
Not something any of us would suggest to another human being but it does happen all of the time.
You have to put your oxygen mask on and save yourself first,
so that you will be able to help your children and proceed down the path that you will get to choose.
Remember that sometimes doing NOTHING is DOING SOMETHING.
When in doubt on what to do - take a step backwards and look and listen,
until you know what you have to do.
So, I'm going to be verbose as i have a lot to "say" and don't have another venue to vomit....
In my previous posts in this, my fledgling post, i mentioned sobbing and crying... This activity is highly unusual for me and tbh something i need to flesh-out in counselling.
When I first arrived home from the airport and discovered my W, D+S and dogs gone my body wracked, I nearly passed out, and i literally cried out in a loud voice as the sobbing began.
I was surprised at the sounds and feelings my body was making/doing.... I'd never had a feeling like that. It's happened a time or two since then as well.
I can say without exception this is the most horrendous, painful thing I have ever experienced (W used these very terms to describe our relationship these last couple years).
Yea I could give you some biological reasons why this has happened, but this is why this is called BOMB DROP.
Add in to it that as a man, you are entering your own middle age, your testosterone is lower than it was thirty years ago, so your estrogen is higher which makes you more emotional than you used to be.
All of these reactions are perfectly "normal" for what has happened.
Best to head the process straight on and not avoid the feelings.
Not something any of us would suggest to another human being but it does happen all of the time.
You have to put your oxygen mask on and save yourself first,
so that you will be able to help your children and proceed down the path that you will get to choose.
Remember that sometimes doing NOTHING is DOING SOMETHING.
When in doubt on what to do - take a step backwards and look and listen,
until you know what you have to do.
Dear Reader,
When you consider the post above from Cadet you will see a textbook example of WISDOM!!!
Cadet -
Thank you for the encouragement. And advice.
I've contacted a friend who is in a study group with a few other men who have all gone through D (some w/children) and are similar in age to me (maybe slightly older - no difference). My friend invited me to his group and opined that the other guys will likely have some wisdom to share (and possibly recommendations for legal advisers).
This is all starting to "sink in" and is panic inducing!
W is staying at a beach house a friend/family in our network back east offered for a week. She returns from that 05/21 and told me she will talk with her family about the impending D.
Unfortunately for me, one of her brothers is a millionaire and will probably be a financial support for her.....
I expect she will be very motivated to learn if I will file or should she. She also mentioned that, "I have the option to waive being served if you prefer" so I believe she has been seeking advice.
She has locked me out of our joint checking and credit card accounts and while i don't worry about her running up the cards (she HATES debt of any kind), i do want to see how she is spending our money.
I believe i am in for a bloody battle....
Feeling like David vs Goliath though I don't have the luxury of knowing how the story ends... - maybe Goliath chops David's head off? Either way, i'm about to start the learning stage of fighting a war like this....ugh...
Awakened - Take this as advice from an internet stranger who hasn’t gone through BD yet, but does worry about this very scenario (served by RO with no good reason). I hesitate to even post this:
Consider contacting a family lawyer. Many offer free 30-minute consults. Be discreet. Find one you are comfortable with, ask about the RO scenario. Then if you are served, you have someone to contact immediately as representation. Only you know if there would be valid reason for a RO or kick-out order.
Also agree with other advice here... do not move out of your house. YOU are not making this ugly for your kids, your W is. You have rights, stand up for yourself, but do so calmly and without anger.
Unchien -
Thank you for your encouragement and humbly submitted advice.
Your advice echos what I've read in other places.
I have already made things ugly for my kids by not handling conflict better (and W has her investment in it as well), but I also will not passively surrender my rights.
W's concern is that i have firearms - which i do. In retrospect, i should have had all of them locked up and put away. Unfortunately, a couple of them were not locked up and had magazines in them.
No bullets able to be fired unless cycled into the chamber (sorry about the "&un speak").
However, W has contended she feels unsafe and that the kids are not safe.
I suspect this changes everything..... but to restate, I have never, ever threatened, insinuated, hinted at, etc violence or harm in any way, shape, or form. Not even once. Ever.
I am living in the cloud of ignorance of these matters.
Unfortunately, given our respective employers ("Christian" institutions) we are not compensated comparatively with secular/non-"Christian" institutions. So we/I do not have large fund reserves to "fight", but I may have to consider financing options.
I never, ever thought i would see days like these...
Having firearms doesnt change anything. You still have rights. You cant get in trouble for a "what if" scenario. Your WAS isnt in the home so dont worry about the guns.
I am a firearm enthusiast. I taught my kids how to handle and respect them. Unless there is a law you are breaking in a non gun friendly state then dont worry about it.
Time to start worrying about you. Stop all pursuit. There is nothing you are going to do or say to make your WW change.
Also, what she did is illegal. If you have no history of abuse with her or the children, she has no right to take the kids to another state. You need to lawyer up immediately.
She can get in serious trouble for taking the kids without a lawful order.
Go talk to a lawyer.
You will get through this.
.......Awakened DEL previous quotes.....
Having firearms doesnt change anything. You still have rights. You cant get in trouble for a "what if" scenario. Your WAS isnt in the home so dont worry about the guns.
I am a firearm enthusiast. I taught my kids how to handle and respect them. Unless there is a law you are breaking in a non gun friendly state then dont worry about it.
Time to start worrying about you. Stop all pursuit. There is nothing you are going to do or say to make your WW change.
Also, what she did is illegal. If you have no history of abuse with her or the children, she has no right to take the kids to another state. You need to lawyer up immediately.
She can get in serious trouble for taking the kids without a lawful order.
Go talk to a lawyer.
You will get through this.
Thx SoTorn - I'll take that encouragement!
Yes, pursuit is out of the question. I am acknowledging all the feelings/thoughts I've had and realizing we really have terminated the R (though I am significant contributor - not the 100% for sure - but significant.). Maybe post D, but after this I don't think I'll be interested...though I hate the notion of not having my kids under the same roof as me.
Another interesting item for me is her absolute lack of any reconciling posture or attitude though stating she's been with a IC for nearly the last year.... guessing she was concentrating on her stuff - but not noticeable from my perspective - nothing different.
As to firearms.... I was out of the country for work and had left the firearms in my BR where no one goes (finished "basement" - doesn't look like a basement...). So somehow W (? idk who really) found them in the drawers where I had stored them. Yes, my kids have used firearms previously and I've taught them proper handling, etc. W's enabling friend/co-worker left a note on one of my day-packs (she had put every magazine from the three firearms i have that use mags) stating she separated the mags and ammo from the firearms to keep the kids (and their visiting friends) safe....
A lot like a "Straw Man" assertion - bringing a "solution" to a problem that doesn't exist....
At each 'turn' or re-examination in this I become more "disenchanted"....and feel like vomiting....and "lawyering up" though that will be financially disastrous due to my low-income, high-responsibility ministry job...
I need to get out and GAL b4 i lose the remaining marbles i have.....
You are only responsible for 50% of the relationship. The other 50% is her. Yes recognize your bad behaviors and 180 them. But dont beat yourself up about the past. The past cannot be changed. The future can be directed.
You are only responsible for 50% of the relationship. The other 50% is her. Yes recognize your bad behaviors and 180 them. But dont beat yourself up about the past. The past cannot be changed. The future can be directed.
SoTorn
Thank you -
Yes, i'm needing to 180 those shipwrecked ways. And also not beat myself for that which cannot fix.
This shock has identified my apathy. I only wish W would consider the things i've put in place. However, the R is not the carrot I'm chasing....Healing - yes.
Now that I'm AWAKENED the death of apathy is occurring in my heart and life. For the last seven years I've been apathetic in the most important areas of my life despite the profound need to heal my soul and re-strengthen my relationships (we served overseas for the 7 years previous these "current" seven years back home in the States).
So now I'm reaping the benefits of my blindness to apathy and it's subtle destruction in my life and with my stbx and children.
I am so thankful for the encouraging words people have shared in this post. So very thankful...
I'm sorry, but there are a lot of alarm bells going off here for me. You're in the military and you have guns lying round your house and your marriage has seen a lot of turmoil for a few years. Do you even know what the statistics are for gun violence against women by their partners? Whether you ever threatened her or not, she wasn't feeling safe with you for whatever reason (even if that was her own internal reason) and you have guns lying round the house. In her situation I think I would be running away too. Whilst BDing via email is an awful thing to do, she had reason to do it this way, and whether she is justified in her fears or not, she must be feeling genuinely fearful. Ponder on that for a long while before you start sticking up for your rights, ok? If you want to save your marriage, start with empathising with her fear. It might not be justified, but it's real to her right now. My H seems genuinely frightened sometimes and I cannot understand why he feels like that, but I have to believe that he feels unsafe and to try to empathise with that. If you add in the gender issue (men are usually bigger, stronger and more aggressive than women in general) and the guns, then her fear must be ramped up to the max. Please, just start right there. You must be feeling very, very angry and fearful yourself, but you're going to have to put those aside and focus on gentleness and kindness.
Dillydaf -
Thanks for your reply..
Not military....
firearms in one room only....
no previous violence, threats, or any physical aggression
but, i respect her feelings (whether i agree with them or not)
I don't know that i'm wanting "he said/she said" discussion....just reeling from the reality
Awakened, do you drink? First 180 is stop drinking. Being in your right mind is imperative for DBing.
Second, no chance. We all heard that. Even those of us that were able to save our marriage.
Third, talk to a lawyer. Pronto. You have a right to see your kids, so exercise they right. The lawyer can help with the joint account thing as well.
Listen to Cadet. Anytime you get his time your are very fortunate!
Awakened, do you drink? First 180 is stop drinking. Being in your right mind is imperative for DBing.
Second, no chance. We all heard that. Even those of us that were able to save our marriage.
Third, talk to a lawyer. Pronto. You have a right to see your kids, so exercise they right. The lawyer can help with the joint account thing as well.
Listen to Cadet. Anytime you get his time your are very fortunate!
Thanks Steve -
Drinking - i don't drink alcohol (ever) or take drugs
I don't understand your second point?
Yes, i am coming to realization that i need some legal guidance/assistance
Thank you
I'm sorry, but there are a lot of alarm bells going off here for me. You're in the military and you have guns lying round your house and your marriage has seen a lot of turmoil for a few years. Do you even know what the statistics are for gun violence against women by their partners? Whether you ever threatened her or not, she wasn't feeling safe with you for whatever reason (even if that was her own internal reason) and you have guns lying round the house. In her situation I think I would be running away too. Whilst BDing via email is an awful thing to do, she had reason to do it this way, and whether she is justified in her fears or not, she must be feeling genuinely fearful. Ponder on that for a long while before you start sticking up for your rights, ok? If you want to save your marriage, start with empathising with her fear. It might not be justified, but it's real to her right now. My H seems genuinely frightened sometimes and I cannot understand why he feels like that, but I have to believe that he feels unsafe and to try to empathise with that. If you add in the gender issue (men are usually bigger, stronger and more aggressive than women in general) and the guns, then her fear must be ramped up to the max. Please, just start right there. You must be feeling very, very angry and fearful yourself, but you're going to have to put those aside and focus on gentleness and kindness.
Anyone can see from a mile away that his W is simply saying that get a TRO and justify running off with the kids.
His W "not feeling safe" is likely a lie and you really told him to ponder her feelings over his rights? I've never seen a sitch where putting the LBSs rights second to a WASs feelings was productive.
The reason she did BD via email is lack of intestinal fortitude and to steal the kids while he was away.
Awakened...awesome name. I love it. Make sure every day you look at the bright side of this awakening.
Time for LRT which means 1. Stop pursuing 2. GAL. 3 . Wait and see.
You need to talk to a couple lawyers asap in regards to your kids.
Don't move out. Don't be your W's punching bag. Work hard to detach.
So now that I've learned that this the "Right place" i can add detail to present state of things.
W has stated MR is irreparable and does not want to continue the MR. She affirmed she is glad to know i am intent on pursuing help/IC and said she wished i had come to that place earlier.
That little bit about wishing my awakening coming earlier really tempts me to plead....but i know in my head pleading has the opposite effect i want. I do want to R the MR, but DBing is the only way....even if D occurs i still need to heal, become healthy for me and my kids.
She seemingly wants to use mediation vs L and be amicable for the kids sake but she has not stated what she wants.... W also, via e-mail, she will not return home unless i am out of the house. That, to me, is L level...
I'm sorry, but there are a lot of alarm bells going off here for me. You're in the military and you have guns lying round your house and your marriage has seen a lot of turmoil for a few years. Do you even know what the statistics are for gun violence against women by their partners? Whether you ever threatened her or not, she wasn't feeling safe with you for whatever reason (even if that was her own internal reason) and you have guns lying round the house. In her situation I think I would be running away too. Whilst BDing via email is an awful thing to do, she had reason to do it this way, and whether she is justified in her fears or not, she must be feeling genuinely fearful. Ponder on that for a long while before you start sticking up for your rights, ok? If you want to save your marriage, start with empathising with her fear. It might not be justified, but it's real to her right now. My H seems genuinely frightened sometimes and I cannot understand why he feels like that, but I have to believe that he feels unsafe and to try to empathise with that. If you add in the gender issue (men are usually bigger, stronger and more aggressive than women in general) and the guns, then her fear must be ramped up to the max. Please, just start right there. You must be feeling very, very angry and fearful yourself, but you're going to have to put those aside and focus on gentleness and kindness.
Anyone can see from a mile away that his W is simply saying that get a TRO and justify running off with the kids.
His W "not feeling safe" is likely a lie and you really told him to ponder her feelings over his rights? I've never seen a sitch where putting the LBSs rights second to a WASs feelings was productive.
The reason she did BD via email is lack of intestinal fortitude and to steal the kids while he was away.
Awakened...awesome name. I love it. Make sure every day you look at the bright side of this awakening.
Time for LRT which means 1. Stop pursuing 2. GAL. 3 . Wait and see.
You need to talk to a couple lawyers asap in regards to your kids.
Don't move out. Don't be your W's punching bag. Work hard to detach.
Thank you so much!
I am really struggling this morning - loneliness and generally feeling ripped apart by my past failures - i can't go back and fix them and releasing it is proving very difficult ...
Yes, "Awakened" is exactly where i am - from a state of 4-5 years of apathy toward every area in my life....
I am really struggling this morning - loneliness and generally feeling ripped apart by my past failures - i can't go back and fix them and releasing it is proving very difficult ...
Get out and do something - even if it is just a long walk in the woods, and scream at the top of your lungs when your far away from where anyone can hear.
Walks in the woods or through gardens are awesome and go hand in hand with EMDR therapy principles.
Call a friend. Go to meetup.com and make new friends. Go join a league or play a sport. I would go to Paneras and read or write around others.
If she won't return home bc you are there then that is on her. She wants out she can get out.
Do you have any friends you can go hang with?
Awakened, my second point was you said she would you no chance. And you seem to hang on those words. Believe nothing to say. Positive or negative. Some LBS struggle because the WAS strings them along so they have too much hope and do the wrong things. Some struggle because the WAS is certain they'll never give them another chance, so they do the wrong things.
Believe nothing she says, and do not react emotionally to it. We all heard "no chance". DBing sometimes gives you a second chance. And even if not it will help you move forward.
I am really struggling this morning - loneliness and generally feeling ripped apart by my past failures - i can't go back and fix them and releasing it is proving very difficult ...
Get out and do something - even if it is just a long walk in the woods, and scream at the top of your lungs when your far away from where anyone can hear.
Hi Cadet -
Awesome idea! I'm planning on taking my recurve and go roving - and scream!!!
Walks in the woods or through gardens are awesome and go hand in hand with EMDR therapy principles.
Call a friend. Go to meetup.com and make new friends. Go join a league or play a sport. I would go to Paneras and read or write around others.
If she won't return home bc you are there then that is on her. She wants out she can get out.
Do you have any friends you can go hang with?
Hey ovrrnbw -
Thanks for that - good ideas...
Friends here....that's the thing...she has never really been interested in making "couples" friends and i've been struggling with deprsn so haven't ventured out.... On a mild anti-deprssn for a while and last couple months starting to exercise b4 BD.
Yes, she wants out....OK.... but ya gotta take the mud when you ask for rain.
Awakened, my second point was you said she would you no chance. And you seem to hang on those words. Believe nothing to say. Positive or negative. Some LBS struggle because the WAS strings them along so they have too much hope and do the wrong things. Some struggle because the WAS is certain they'll never give them another chance, so they do the wrong things.
Believe nothing she says, and do not react emotionally to it. We all heard "no chance". DBing sometimes gives you a second chance. And even if not it will help you move forward.
And this ^ is a painful pill to swallow (again and again...) .
I really don't think is intending to jerk my chain - not her MO in the 20-odd years i've known her. She was quite clear with her intention.
Thankfully I'm coming the place where I'm beginning to cognate through this - accepting it for what it is and able to begin to visualize a healthier future (more of a near future...not beyond a few months...).
Thanks for the 2x4 to reality!!!
Oh I have no doubt she meant it when she texted it. Just like my former WAW meant it when she said it. WASs have a way of flip-flopping like a fish on the shore. So because she felt that at that moment doesn't mean she'll feel that tomorrow. Or in five minutes from now. Remember, she's reeling as much as you are. I don't think most WASs do things like this lightly.
The overall point is that there is always hope as long as you're both breathing.
Oh I have no doubt she meant it when she texted it. Just like my former WAW meant it when she said it. WASs have a way of flip-flopping like a fish on the shore. So because she felt that at that moment doesn't mean she'll feel that tomorrow. Or in five minutes from now. Remember, she's reeling as much as you are. I don't think most WASs do things like this lightly.
The overall point is that there is always hope as long as you're both breathing.
Steve - thanks for this.
I've read and re-read her initial note and the follow-up where she indicates, "my decision is not rash or without cause. I have been long suffering and hoped for years for change. I have communicated to you many times as to the unacceptability of things and not only apathy but anger, minimizing and blame were the responses."
She also mentions she does not feel safe with me and "can no longer be with you."
Given those statements, it's pretty hard to have much in the "Hope" department....
That said, she has responded to me saying, "I am sorry it has come to this as well." I refer to her WA as ripping the Band-Aid off a wound..... and her reply, "Yeah. I hate that but it seems like the human condition."
So, emo-roller coaster.
Her next initiated text was, "What are your thoughts on timing?" (referring back to e-mail stating she wants to return to our home state, but not if I'm in the house).
I mentioned this was all new to me and then asked her what her thoughts about timing. She didn't answer the "when", but mentioned, "I can try to find a place for (the) kids but would prob be more challenging, but am willing to look as well."
The conversation continued on non-argumentatively a bit. She said she would prefer to live at the house for now as that is where all the kids stuff is...at least for now...
My reply was, if we are divorcing i need to have the house/mortgage out of my name and i'm not sure the pathway to get there other than selling.
So i probably made the biggest DB errors in history.....
Awakened
You definitely said too much.
Do you want a D? If not then say that.
Keep your answers short. Stop trying to convince of anything.
"Im sorry you feel that way"
"I will not move out"
"I understand you feel this is best. I dont agree, but I dont control you"
You need to talk to a lawyer like now about her taking the kids out of state. Its illegal. Literally illegal to remove children from the other parent and move out of state without permission from the other parent.
You may have to have to report her for taking the kids. You are at an advantage here.
Also, get a personal recorder and record your interactions with her. Get some cameras and put them in the house if she ever goes home so you can prove you did nothing in case she flips out. Thats what I did.
Protect yourself. Your W has gone a bit too far by taking the kids out of state.
Awakened, I see some red flags in your sitch that tell me you need to do as ST suggested and seek legal help right away. Taking the kids away with zero notice and not allowing you visitation tells me she's up to no good. Also blocking you from the joint CC and bank account with no notice. These are not the acts of someone interested in being amicable. You've got to protect yourself and the kids and do so right away. If you think she'll go easy on you for religious reasons you are dead wrong. If she were respecting her and your religion she never would have left in the first place. You're in a dangerous spot and need to take action ASAP. By action I mean legally petition to get visitation with your kids.
Also, DO NOT MOVE OUT. If she says something about that again then just politely tell her you are not going anywhere. When she rants then just listen and validate and continue to reaffirm your position.
"But the kids need a home blah blah blah"
"The kids are welcome to stay here"
"How can you do this to me, I need a home to take care of the kids wah wahhhh"
"I understand this must be difficult for you"
"So when are you leaving then?"
"I already stated I'm not going anywhere."
Be FIRM with her. There's literally nothing you can do right now to appease her, so don't even try. You'll just look wimpy if you do. Stand your ground and it will make her mad, but inside a tiny seed of respect will have been planted.
Awesome advice from ST and AS here. Lawyer up. Do not TRY to nice her back, it won't work. Right now you have some legal issues you need to address (money, kids). DO NOT PROCRASTINATE. Time is of the essence.