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Posted By: Wolfman Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/03/19 12:13 PM
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2847811#Post2847811

I just had a major breakdown. I starting crying hysterically by myself not in front of anybody. I know you all said to let go and detach. I am struggling with that. How do you detach when you donít want to? How do you stop loving? I am completely devastated. I know life goes on. I just donít see it right now. With my current situation and now my parents. My parents situation is hard for me because my mom is handicapped and this will mean a nursing home for her, which she absolutely does not want. My parents house was a little bit of a safe place now itís not. I feel like i am spinning out of control.
Posted By: AlisonUK Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/03/19 12:19 PM
I'm sorry you're having such a hard day. It's horrible sometimes, isn't it? I am hopeless at detaching too - and I know full well it makes me suffer more. I won't give you a 2x4 because if that was going to help, it would have helped by now. But here's some fellow feeling. It's really really hard some days, isn't it? Is there anything you can do in the next half hour for some relief and distraction?
Posted By: neffer Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/03/19 01:02 PM
Hey Wolf. I know you are hurting. Itīs ok man, itīs ok. Let the feelings out, cry, shout, scream, curse. After that, stand on your feet again and step forward. Step after step. Forward.

IMHO DB is not a program. Itīs a process that let us change the way of our own living. We must love ourselves to be able to love others. Center on that.

Remember some DB basics. Itīs a marathon, you need time and patience. You only work on yourself. There are not magic bullets. Detach, no expectations, you give W space as you need it too. Have hope, live into reality.

You need to be strong. You have your kids. You need to be there for them. Theyīll follow you as a leader. Be that light. Get into amoafwl. Not for W but for yourself and your kids. Show them respect and they will respect you.

You have the strength. It is over only when you decide it. Itīs not a war, itīs a road to happiness. Be on that road Wolf.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/03/19 01:24 PM
W,

I know it feels like your life will never be ďnormalĒ again but it will I promise you. You just need to keep moving forward. No more shortcuts or taking the easy way out. You donít have to stop loving your w. In fact if you truly love her then give her what she wants and set her free. Let her find her happiness she so desperately desires. Maybe she finds it maybe she realizes she already had it. Give her time and space to sort out her feelings.


As for your question from the previous thread. If you try to use logic and reason with her in the emotional state she is in she will tell you how sheís not happy, never was, your the reason for it, you ruined her life blah, blah, blah. Hence one more kick in the nuts.
Posted By: job Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/03/19 01:32 PM
You cannot force detachment. It will come naturally as you walk your path. As for stop loving someone, detaching isn't about that at all. It's about helping you find a way not to react to what someone says or does. You love this person w/your entire being and it is so difficult to see them struggling and behaving in a way that is so foreign to you at the moment. You can still love them, but not like the behaviors. Lovingly let go a bit, or as we tend to say around here, drop the rope, do not hold on too tight.

It's okay to cry. Crying helps you relieve the stress and hurt of what is happening, but it also will help you become stronger in time. You are human and you've been hurt terribly and it is understandable that you are going to have period of deep, dark despair. Do not be ashamed of breaking down. Sometimes we have to do this and then you need allow those feelings to wash over you and release them.

Try to keep the focus on you and your children. They need you now more than ever. Please take care of yourself.
Posted By: lost8 Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/03/19 03:49 PM
Been there partner...listen to what you are hearing here. You have to take care of yourself and kids first. Worrying about W will not allow you to grow. It's like hitting a brick wall with rubber ball, you'll never get through and it will do nothing but make you feel worse.

Trust me, when you are able to get to the point of truely letting go you will either see her full 180 or you will be ready to move on with your life and it will not affect you at all. The point that you are at is very hard and you see no end to the pain but keep posting and listen to the advice. The battle is about you right now....work on you...not that you are broken but that you deserve to be happy and that starts every day as soon as you wake up.
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/03/19 05:32 PM
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I starting crying hysterically by myself not in front of anybody.
Crying is very important. Just not in the presence of your W at this point of the process. We are emotional beings. Boys are taught not to cry. You have so many stuffed emotions to release. Do it in private. Let them all out. Feel all the pain. I always feel better after a good cry. Feeling sad lets you feel happy. The other option is numb. numb [censored]. When you feel angry, feel it. channel that raw energy into something productive. Lots of guys lift weights.
Posted By: harvey Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/03/19 07:35 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
There is nothing you can do to stop it you just have to let go. Even if you DBed like a champion this would most likely be the end result.


Truer words have never been spoken. I DB'd like a champ, and I know most women would love me as their husband, but it didn't save my marriage. Let her go! You can't control her. You control you.

You don't fail if you come out of it as a better person and father and have a positive outlook on your future.
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/03/19 10:12 PM
I canít thank you all enough for your words of wisdom. This has been a very low point for me today. I have read everybodyís comments about 3 times. I will continue to post on here. I look forward to everyoneís comments. I am going to try and take one day at a time. Thank you for letting me know crying is ok, I feel like a wuss.

Job you said. ďYou love this person w/your entire being and it is so difficult to see them struggling and behaving in a way that is so foreign to you at the moment.Ē Thatís what I struggle with. What happened to the w I married? There are some things I have gotten better at. I donít take her hurtful words to heart anymore. I am getting better with her not being with me. Itís a combination of not being with my kids all the time. When I do, I make it great. Second, itís the future. We always had vacation plans, obviously I knew where I was going to live and how I was going to feel. Thatís all up in the air. I know I shouldnít think about the future just focus on today. But my mind constantly goes there. I am going to become a champion at DB. Thank you all again for your help. It has helped me get a grip.
Posted By: IronWill Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/04/19 01:39 AM
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Second, itís the future. We always had vacation plans, obviously I knew where I was going to live and how I was going to feel. Thatís all up in the air. I know I shouldnít think about the future just focus on today. But my mind constantly goes there. I am going to become a champion at DB. Thank you all again for your help. It has helped me get a grip.


So sorry you're having such a rough time, Wolf. I can relate. Very much.

I stumbled across a book called "The Power of Now" by E. Tolle at just the right moment, when I was at my lowest. It's a remarkable read, and it really helped me to understand how to focus on the present. It may be of some help to you as well...

Hang in there, man.
Posted By: neffer Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/04/19 11:24 AM
Thatís why is so important to keep living into the present time. So as to avoid depression or anxiety. Then you need to focus on yourself and the kids. And GAL.

GAL is also about reading on here, posting or whatever gives your mind some rest.

Stay calm Wolf.

Time and patience.
Posted By: SoTorn Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/04/19 02:20 PM
Wolfman,

This is one of the most difficult issues you will ever encounter in life. Its ok to get upset and its ok to cry. Do not hold it in. When my WW moved upstairs in September 2018, prior to confirmation of her PA and post August 2018 ILYBIDLY, I was devestated. I was so hurt and she knew this. I cried nightly. I was extremely upset all the time and I was in full "fix it, pursuit" mode.

It took me until January 2019 to detach. That seems fast but for me it wasnt. I took inventory on my life. Good job, yes, even with the stupid issues I faced. Great kids who are doing ok. Me being healthy, losing weight, wearing new clothes and looking absolutely amazing now. Check.

I sat back and compared what I have to what I would have if my WW came back. The only difference in my life would be that if I had my WW, I would be desparately working to repair a relationship with someone that told me they do not want me, mistreated me horribly, made me their enemy for no reason and hurt me worse than anyone has ever done so in my entire life.

It felt like I had to pry her out of my heart with a dull spoon, but I got there and it worked. I realized I have nothing to prove to the WW. I honestly recognized my issues a few years back, but it was still too late. I am a much better man and in a better place because I choose to be. My WW doesnt deserve my love and support so I removed it from her completely. We all deserve better than our spouses decided to give us.

I allowed myself to meet someone new as well. Again, this is my personal decision and only applies to my situation. Meeting this new woman really opened my eyes. There are nice women out there. Plenty of them would love to have a good man. Plenty of them understand that people have flaws. Plenty of them understand how to communicate. Nobody is perfect, but there are women that would NEVER cheat on you or do anything to purposely hurt you.

I don't even see this woman often, maybe once a month, but just knowing that there are women like this out there, helped me detach 100%. I still live IHS with my WW. But I haven't cried or been upset in months. I am content with who I am. I love myself and I will make decisions that are best for me, make me happy and make my kids happy. WW is out of the equation. She can have her GGW life with her new boyfriend. I don't care anymore.
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/04/19 09:27 PM
Again thank you all for your advice. This horses really helps. Today I had the kids until 4:30. I brought them back about 15 minutes early. She wasnít home when we got there. We must have been home no more than 5 minutes and then she walks in. I was in the kitchen with my daughter. She walks in and said I canít take this. I said take what? She said the mess. I said itís not too bad. Keep in mind I. The past I was the one who wanted the house clean and she did t care. She said this is not fair. I asked what isnít fair? She said everytime I leave the house its clean and when I get home the house is a mess. Keep in mind we have only been home a few minutes and my d and I were talking and my son was playing on the iPad. So all I kept thinking was validate. I said I see how it could seem that way. I asked what is out that wasnít there when you left. She started to point out things. This wasnít here that wasnít there, blah blah blah. She then said I know you want this house to fall to $hit. I said absolutely not I will make sure the kids put back whatever it is they took out. So I started to get the kids to clean up their stuff. She said donít worry about, I got it! I said I am here I will make sure they put their stuff away. She said donít worry i will do it. She said I have been doing this for 15 years why would it change now? I said I will make sure the kids will do a better job at cleaning up after themselves. She said remember actions speak louder than words. I said I agree. She goes I am going to take a shower now I will have them clean up when I am done. And she went upstairs. I had the kids put their stuff away while she was in the shower. Keep in mind this mess was there when I got there. Itís funny because I have always been the neat and clean one. She is trying to play it off like she has been for all these years. It almost makes me laugh out loud. I didnít let her attitude affect me and I tried to validate best I could. In the past I would have argued with her about the mess already being there. Not getting sucked in!!
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/05/19 08:29 PM
Another interesting day. I text my w what time we were heading over to the dance competition. She said around 11:30 but she would text me when they leave. Around 11:15 she calls me in panic mode. She canít find my sonís hip hop costume. There is only the shirt, no pants or sneakers. I said I know I packed everything g from the last competition. She said well itís not here and she looked everywhere. She said if I donít take care of everything then nothing gets done right. This is one of the reasons why our marriage didnít work. She said I guess he wonít be able to compete. I said I understand you are very frustrated did you look in his closet or in his bag again. She said I looked. She said let me go and look some more. Sure enough 15 minutes later she called me she found his sneakers under the bed and his pants rolled up in a ball under his covers. I said thank god you found it. I said I was positive I packed everything. I asked why did he have his pants in his bed? She said I have no idea. See you over there. Of course not that I would expect it, I learned no expectations, no sorry for yelling at you or accusing you of losing it. I think I would have been in shock if she apologized. Great start to my Sunday.

Iím still struggling a little knowing tomorrow we go to the lawyer for the paperwork. I will keep focusing on myself and GAL. Itís just hard. This patience thing is killing me.
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/05/19 09:59 PM
Question: My son performed his hip hop number. I noticed he wasnít as sharp, he looked tired. So after I asked him if he was tired? He said yeah. I asked what time he went to bed? He said 11. I said why did you go to bed so late? He said Lauren was over who is the babysitter. Which means my w went out. First off, how freakin selfish is she for going out knowing when she does my kids will stay up late. Second, I asked my w why he was up so late and she said he probably had is iPod with him. Which is not true, it was because she was out. Do I call her out on it for being irresponsible about going out, or do I let it go? I know if it was the other way around she would have chewed me out for that. And this is the first time he didnít come in first. Which I would have got more hell for that I made him tired and it was suppose to be my day with the kids.it wasnít suppose to be my day with the kids but if it was I left them with a babysitter all h*ll would have broke out. I am very angry right now at her irresponsibility.
Posted By: Rose888 Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/05/19 10:21 PM
How old is your son?
Posted By: Rose888 Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/05/19 10:24 PM
Just checked your profile. At 8 he is old enough to get to bed at a reasonable hour when a babysitter is there. (Although I would get a better babysitter.)
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/06/19 11:23 AM
SoTorn thank you for your response. That to me is quick at detaching. You also spoke about how she mistreated you mine took me for granted, big time. It amazing how they can change on us. SoToen I am sorry you went through that. Again I would like to thank everyone again for Friday. I was really in a bad spot.

Rose the babysitter is 20 and a very sweet girl. So wonít make sure they go to bed on time and my w doesnít care. As we all know itís all about them. Yes he should go to bed on his own but he doesnít. My kids like most fight going to bed every night.

Where are all my vets. I had some situations come up and I havenít heard from any of my regulars. Miss all of your comments.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/06/19 01:47 PM
W,

I wouldnít call her going out and leaving them with a babysitter irresponsible. You canít control her.

I would just say ď son seemed tired at his competition. Please make sure he gets to bed at a reasonable hour the night before a competition.
Posted By: Rose888 Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/06/19 02:11 PM
I wouldnít say anything to your wife. Iíd talk to your son about the natural consequences of staying up late the night before a competition. Heís at a good age to learn this, and itís in his best interest.

Save talks with your wife for the things that are objectively issues. This issue is your opinion and preference.
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/06/19 03:56 PM
LH I am not looking to control her. Just shocked how she didnít care about taking care of our kids. She has totally regressed. She is going backwards in maturity. I said to my w, why was he up so late? And she lied right to my face, you know his he probably snuck his iPod into bed.

Rose I did speak to my s. He said he knows but he says that all the time. He hates going to sleep (like most kids).
Posted By: LH19 Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/06/19 04:33 PM
W,

Again I think your greatly exaggerating the situation. If you are going to nitpick every move she makes that you donít feel is right youíre gonna be in for a long bumpy ride my friend.

Just because she wants a D doesnít mean she doesnít care about taking care of the kids.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/07/19 12:37 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
Again I think your greatly exaggerating the situation. If you are going to nitpick every move she makes that you donít feel is right youíre gonna be in for a long bumpy ride my friend.


Quite right. W, this is just another major pointer that you've still got a lot of work to do on detachment. And the house thing as well, W complains the house is messy SO WHAT. Instead of rushing around to clean up you should have said "W, the kids are 8 and 11 and if you are going to have to learn to live with a certain level of clutter, that comes with having young kids." She doesn't like it? Well you just let her go right ahead and clean up. Quit trying to "fix" all her complaints, you're chasing the dragon on that.
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/08/19 01:24 PM
LH you are right I should not nit pick. Just really wanted to point it out on here how she has changed. Not not any of you know her, just wanted to get it off my chest.

AS you are right I still have a way to go with detachment. I am also working on not letting her manipulate me or make me feel bad. Yesterday we were in backyard and she made the comment the backyard looks like $hit. I said yeah it is a little messy. (The grass is about foot and half high) She said thatís it? Asked what is it? That you are just going to abandon the house. I said I am still here everyday getting the kids from school. She said and what about the backyard? I said I donít live here anymore. So she said yeah but isnít his still your house? I said well my name is still in it. She said so you are going to leave it like that for the kids? I said I understand how this could frustrate you but it is no longer my problem. I also said, you use to make comments about me having to do hard work. I said you can see how much this to keep up with. I said when you would put me down that I had to do landscaping and you took care of the kids. And you wanted me to do both. Not that easy. She said, oh but itís ok for you to come here all the time and not have to do anything. I said you are right I do come here all the time, to pick up he kids from school and to bring them home. She then stormed off. She wants me to play husband when itís convenient for her. Not happeneing anymore. I know the next thing she will try it with is the pool. Again not my problem. She is trying to use the kids as a way to make me feel bad.
Posted By: lost8 Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/08/19 01:33 PM
Hey Wolf I will throw in my 2 cents.

No don't let her manipulate her but do what makes you happy. Are you still living there, do you take comfort in your house looking good for you and your kids? I know I have always taken pride in how my home looked at least on the outside and in my living space when I was in my own bedroom. It was actually theraputic for me to do the yardwork.

I did find myself not doing things around the house like cleaning up as a bit passive aggressive because clutter always bothered both of us and I was not touching anything just to get a rise out of my WW. It took time and I mean like 6-7 months to stop acting like this. It was actually me realizing I will do things because I want to and for me to still have some pride in my home not to create a "see this is what it will be like" just to get a reaction out of her. I didn't want my kids to see everything falling apart around them. My WWs choices were her choices. It takes time.
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/08/19 02:42 PM
Lost I am not living in the home anymore. Iím not doing it to get a rise out of her. This is the reality she created. I am not trying to ďfixĒ her problems. This Is also what AS said too. I took a lot of pride in keeping up
With the landscaping. My home looked just as good as everyone elseís in the neighborhood and they all had landscapers. I know she angry about it but thatís not why I did it. Itís me detaching from her. I am not her house cleaner or landscaper. If we were happily married I would Ben more than happy to do those things and I did for a long time.
Posted By: lost8 Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/08/19 04:53 PM
Roger that, if you arent living there I get it. I wouldn't touch it either but if you get to the point of having to show it to sell I guess that would be different.

You are right she has to fend for herself she fired you.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/08/19 05:08 PM
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I am also working on not letting her manipulate me or make me feel bad.


Good, because it sounds like that is a favorite pastime of hers.

Quote
Yesterday we were in backyard and she made the comment the backyard looks like $hit. I said yeah it is a little messy. (The grass is about foot and half high) She said thatís it? Asked what is it? That you are just going to abandon the house. I said I am still here everyday getting the kids from school. She said and what about the backyard? I said I donít live here anymore. So she said yeah but isnít his still your house? I said well my name is still in it. She said so you are going to leave it like that for the kids? I said I understand how this could frustrate you but it is no longer my problem. I also said, you use to make comments about me having to do hard work. I said you can see how much this to keep up with. I said when you would put me down that I had to do landscaping and you took care of the kids. And you wanted me to do both. Not that easy. She said, oh but itís ok for you to come here all the time and not have to do anything. I said you are right I do come here all the time, to pick up he kids from school and to bring them home. She then stormed off.


Wolf I think you did good standing up to her little tirade, but try not to let it drag out so long like that. Don't try to explain/ justify/prove your worth, just say "I'm not interested in getting drawn into an argument about this" and walk away.
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/08/19 06:10 PM

Originally Posted by Wolfman
....tomorrow we go to the lawyer for the paperwork.


How did this go?
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/08/19 08:24 PM
AS thank you for the support. I have to learn to cut the conversation shorter. She is good at drawing me in, I have to be better at ending it. Funny thing is I just got to the house a little while ago and she had landscapers now the backyard. All of that for nothing. Well I guess for nothing she was trying to see what see could get ďawayĒ with. I know when it gets a little warmer the pool is going to be an issue.

R2C first off it wasnít I thought it was. The appointment was just for leaving the retainer and going over what we did with the mediator. At one point the lawyer stepped out to make copies. My w said I feel so nauseous I think I am going to throw up. I said I know his is stressful. Then the lawyer came back in. I brought up a time frame for when she has to buy me out. When I did my w gave me a dirty look. The lawyer said itís not in there. She asked my w if she started to refinance the house to get me off the mortgage. She said no, that she was told once we are officially d she can take my name off the mortgage. She said how does she think the mortgage will be officially done? The lawyer said if everything goes smoothly by the end of the year. She said oh my god. So the lawyer said she will leave it open and itís something we will have to discuss. When we were walking out my w said once again Iím getting screwed. I said how so? I know now I shouldnít have said that. She said that she is going to have to refinance and her mortgage payment will go up and she has to pay closing costs, she gave me Nissan 350z (which is a 2003 with 65k miles) and she took the Chevy traverse (2010 80k miles but all the extras right up to DVD players in each headrest) and when she traded it in she only got $2500 for it. What a sucker!!! Then she said she is not taking the full child support. I said I can understand why you feel that way but you have to understand this is what you want. She said this is not what she wanted she wanted me to change sooner and we wouldnít be going through this. I said you are right I should have changed sooner but I am a changed man. I said wherther you want to believe it or not that is on you. I said I donít want to talk about this anymore Iíll see you later and I walked away.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/08/19 08:58 PM
Good job on cutting the convo short Wolf! Try to make that a habit. Very well done all around, you handled it all great!
Posted By: SoTorn Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/08/19 10:24 PM
Yes, great job on keeping the conversation short. My WW has to buy me out as well. The bank won't start it without the final decree. She will also owe me a hefty amount of child support as well. I can tell this is stressing her out badly. Oh well. She is getting exactly what she wanted.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/08/19 10:44 PM
W,

I'm going to challenge you a little bit. Tell me how you're a changed man. How are you different now then you were a year ago?
Posted By: IHCLACS Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/08/19 11:11 PM
Who here likes the movie RoadHouse? Take a tip from Patrick Swayze... "If the W gets in your face....BE NICE"....If she calls you names?... BE NICE... If she accuses you of something you know you didnt, or should not do? BE NICE...If she serves you divorce papers... BE NICE!!! If she attempts to manipulate you, make you feel guilty?.. Be NICE... If she is sleeping with OM?... BE NICE!!!

"Well how will you know when its time not to be nice?..."

YOU WON'T...DivorceBusters will let you...lol

^^^^ That's my idea of self respect alpha male detachment for today :-D
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/08/19 11:20 PM
AS thank you for the vote of confidence. I really try to remember everything you guys say while I am in these situations. I am trying to DB every moment I have. You know itís funny after school I had my kids today and we had a great time together. My d and I get along when my w is not around. My d tries so hard to show my w she is on her side. When my w is not around we laugh and have a good time. Iím not as rigid as my w is.

SoTorn my w is getting stressed out with all of this. She is lucky though, her dad is giving her the money to buy me out and itís a hefty chunk. It must be nice to have wealthy parents. That is something her parents have always done, throw money at the problem because he has it. Completely off topic, my wís brother is 37 lives at home has no job, no friends and no girlfriend. He just sits at home plays video games and watches tv. He doesnít help the father who is 74, the father mows the lawn. The reason I digress is to show how her parents have always bailed them out. They never had to struggle or have consequences. That is exactly my w. They have her money for the lawyer, money to buy me out. So yeah it makes it easy to run from problems and not deal with them. Her paerents are enablers.

LH I love a good challenge, challenge accepted. I donít argue with her anymore, the validating has helped a lot. I do t get all worked up when she goes on the attack, I stay calm and under control. When she speaks to me I am fully engaged, the past I would have the tv on. I have gotten rid of being spiteful. I try to keep better track of all the kids activities. Man I never realized how much my cell phone could have helped me with that in he past. I keep the cursing to an absolute minimum. Did I pass the test LH?? Lol

IH I remember that scene. That was a funny scene. That is part of my new motto. Just be nice. Itís funny my friends and family keep telling me why am I so nice to her with the hell she is putting our family through. I just respond I canít change her. But being nice is showing I am under control and she doesnít affect me like she use to. ďBe niceĒ works because I donít fuel her fire. She has even made comments about that too. She has said things in the past, ďwhat your not going to yell?Ē ďOh now you are Mr. ZenĒ thatís my favorite. ďYou are not going to run out?Ē Just to name a few.
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/09/19 01:23 PM
Journaling: In the last 9 months of separation I have learned a lot about myself, relationships and my w. I have learned how much I truly love my kids and how every moment spent with them is gold. How I took the little things for granted and how I want to be a part of every second of their life!!! I understand that this is truly difficult for them and trying my best to love them and be there for them.

As far as relationships the biggest lesson I think I learned is when you love someone, donít stop ďlovingĒ them. Keep it fresh, exciting, mix up once and a while. I think I got too complacent and just fell into the same old monotonous routine. I know life happens with work, kids, bills and a home to keep up with. But sometimes once in a while we need to change it up with our partner. And for now on I will ďreallyĒ listen to what my partner is saying.

Lastly, I know on here the theme is to take care of yourself and only worry about yourself and if you have kids them too. Well that was my wís theme all along to just take care of herself. She tried for a while to put a show on about how she cared about the family when deep down she was only worried about herself. Well that selfishness has finally come out and I am seeing what I think I was blind too for a long time. She is not divorcing me she is divorcing the family. She has been saying for a long time when will she just have time for herself? Granted we all want that once and a while. She just wants it all the time. I see how little by little she keeps pushing the kids on me. How she doesnít want to have any responsibility anymore. She gets excited the days when I have the kids because she can go and whatever she wants. Where the days I donít have my kids I am depressed because I miss them. She has shown me this is someone I really donít not know I want to be married to anymore. I always thought of family as being together and loving one another when times are good and even more so when times are bad. Thanks for reading.
Does anyone feel like that in their situation? That your spouse didnít really want to d you but the family?
Posted By: lost8 Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/09/19 01:50 PM
Oh for sure. Whether it's a MLC or A or whatever...they want no responsibility at all except to run wild and only worry about themselves. I have always found it strange that someone could make such an extreme change and have no care for their family at all. I have many friends that have been married just as long or longer than me and sure they fight, etc but have never experienced a sitch where someone's whole being has been hijacked and has become a stranger.

A year ago my W wanted nothing to do with either of my kids, paid for nothing for them, couldn't be accountable for anything for them, was late to S13s birthday at our home even though she lived there.

I just think some peoples chemistry is made up way differently than many others and why we see these very common sitches. I say common but still in the minority so it is not a rite of passage to act like this. At what point does that chemistry just take over? I still scratch my head over this.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/09/19 02:34 PM
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Completely off topic, my wís brother is 37 lives at home has no job, no friends and no girlfriend. He just sits at home plays video games and watches tv. He doesnít help the father who is 74, the father mows the lawn. The reason I digress is to show how her parents have always bailed them out. They never had to struggle or have consequences. That is exactly my w. They have her money for the lawyer, money to buy me out. So yeah it makes it easy to run from problems and not deal with them. Her parents are enablers.


Sounds pretty on-topic to me. Yes they are enablers. They are of course just trying to help their kids, but all they're doing is enabling irresponsible behavior. It's a classic problem today- the parents work hard their whole lives and accumulate some wealth, and they want to make their kids' lives easier by sharing that wealth with them but then the kids become lazy and entitled, thinking they DESERVE that money, that it is THEIRS. I've seen it happen so often over the years and it is just breeding irresponsibility. People don't want to work for anything these days. Their job, their belongings, their marriages. They just want the world on a silver platter and if it doesn't go exactly how they want then they pout and fold their arms and give up.
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/15/19 11:57 AM
Hey everyone. Its been a couple of days and things have been relatively calm. The only thing that is worth talking about is my sonís birthday party on Friday. At the end of the party it was time for us to pay. We both went to the counter to pay the bill after the manager went over everything she looked at me to pay the bill. I said you can pay this one. So of course she was aggravated. She said I donít understand why I am paying. I nicely said to her I paid for our taxes to get done and gymnastics for both kids and you owed me half. So by you paying this we are even. I said this cover what you owe me. She just huffed and puffed. Then after that she gave me an attitude but I didnít let that bother me. This is her new reality. She never really understood how expensive things were because I took care of all the bills. She is starting g to learn.

The other thing I wanted to talk about is something I read on one of Sandiís old posts. I have been reading a lot on here I guess trying to make sense of everything. There was a post that she went into great detail about and it was called : 10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully.
I read that and man I think all 10 hit my wifeís personality. The upsetting part is she talks about what it does to us emotionally and that hit me too each and everyone. She has really torn me down but I am building myself back up one piece at a time. Definitely getting more looks from women since I have been going to the gym. Being upbeat more around people. I especially make sure it is with our mutual friends. This way they can tell her if they do. I never realized it but Sandi also talks about them being a narcissist, I believe now besides a MLC she is a narcissist. It was never enough she always wanted more and more. I took on a second job to give her more. What happened it still
Wasnít enough and then she complained I had a second job. Makes me wonder why am I so hurt by this? Why would
I want to go back with someone who is never happy? I guess in time I will have to figure this out.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/15/19 12:03 PM
Originally Posted by Wolfman
This is her new reality. She never really understood how expensive things were because I took care of all the bills. She is starting g to learn.


Yes, this is very true. I remember when my W, a WW at the time, started asking me how much the car (her's) was. And insurance. And registration. And also energy bills. Etc. It was eye-opening to her. When she realized she'd have:

- Rent
- Car and expenses
- Utilities
- Half of all D's expenses

She started doing the math and it didn't leave someone, that has been out of the workforce for 15 years, a lot of extraneous money to fund her new single lifestyle. All of these little reality checks help to wake her up.
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/15/19 12:56 PM
Hey Steve great to hear from you!! You really felt in your situation it helped her wake up? I hope that I am a little lucky and it helps her to wake up. Obviously this is not a punishment this just happens to be her new reality. Itís not about her wanting me back to help her pay for things but appreciate what I did and that there were times she I said ďnoĒ we canít do something it wasnít because I didnít want to but I did it because of financial reasons. All I know is my wifeís ďfogĒ is real thick and itís going to take time for her to get through it, if she ever does.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/15/19 01:07 PM
W,

I am going to challenge you again here and I want you to think about this before responding.

If your W is an emotional bully, a narcissist and treated you mostly like a servant. Why do you want her back?
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/15/19 01:44 PM
LH I have an answer for you. Itís a 2 part answer.
1. When I was little I was an absolutely ugly kid. No girl would give the time of day. So in high school I started to work out and eat right. By college I started to attract women and it was great. Then came along my w, when I saw her I was in love right away. She is absolutely gorgeous and when we started dating I couldnít believe she went for me. I was in awe that I went from this ugly ducking to an attractive guy but forget that I got this beautiful woman as my w. So, yes shallow I feel like I will never get another woman like that again. I know stupid!!! As I type this it makes me think why am I so upset if thatís the only thing that I like about her?
2. I just fear change. I am a simple person and can wear the same sneakers for years as long as they donít look disgusting. To think I have to find a new house, a new woman, get use to only see my kids half the time stinks. I know my reasons are horrible why I would want to stay with such a woman, but you asked. I know the minute I get my own house settle in and start dating, things will work out. Iím just not there yet.
Posted By: Si_07 Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/15/19 02:04 PM
Hi Wolf, I have followed your story as it's similar to my own just a couple of years later and I see similarities in our wives.

LH's question is a good one and one I have asked myself many times over the past few years and your answer is also similar to my thinking. The reasons are not horrible, like you said it's that fear of change.

It's a hard thing to see right now but in my case having had my own place, doing what I want when I don't have my kids and doing many great things with them when I do have them, away from the toxic environment where I never felt I could do enough, where I just felt like someone's slave, I have realised how much better a father I am first and foremost.

If your W is a narcissist/emotional bully, it's likely that it will get harder before it gets easier. Mine gets in touch when she isn't getting her supply especially if I have been NC for awhile. She is also great at playing the victim, I have heard most things over the past few years since I having been moving on with my life.. "I am punishing her", "I am teaching her a lesson", "I am selfish and nasty", "I am a awful father", "I will go to jail if I don't give her money" (this one she told our kids which put them in tears and her response was that they didn't understand her).

It's all about trying to lower your confidence, guilt trips, anything to keep that supply.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/15/19 02:06 PM
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Hey Steve great to hear from you!! You really felt in your situation it helped her wake up? I hope that I am a little lucky and it helps her to wake up. Obviously this is not a punishment this just happens to be her new reality. Itís not about her wanting me back to help her pay for things but appreciate what I did and that there were times she I said ďnoĒ we canít do something it wasnít because I didnít want to but I did it because of financial reasons. All I know is my wifeís ďfogĒ is real thick and itís going to take time for her to get through it, if she ever does.


It is funny because my W, when a WW, would say things like "I don't want to stay for the wrong reasons". IE because I make good money and she enjoyed the fruits of that labor. Really what she was saying was "I really like all you provide but I want to sleep with other dudes."

I told you that above not to get your hopes up, but to encourage you to keep doing that. Regardless of whether it wakes her up or not, it was the RIGHT thing to do. So many LBSs, LBHs especially, would have ponied up to try to "nice" her back. That never works.

She huffed. She puffed. But she respected you for not just whipping out a credit card.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/15/19 03:43 PM
Unfortunately I have two friends like you. Their Ws trip them like $hit and they are so fearful of change they put up with it. The more they try to please the more they get crapped on. In my personal life I do not give out unsolicited advice so I just validate their feelings. One time I asked told my friend he should ask his w for his b@lls back and he just rolled his eyes at me.

Wolf you will get through this and realize you deserve better.
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/17/19 04:18 PM
Steve thank you for your input. Iím glad I made the right decision. That was not easy for me since I usually give in. I felt better later on that I made a stand.
LH. I am working on getting my ďpartsĒ back. I know I still have a ways to go, but I am working on it. My emotions are still very much a roller coaster. I wish they werenít. I know it takes time. It just hurts while I am in his mess.

I have read so much on here lately and man I really gets me thinking. I read about other peopleís situation, a lot of Sandiís writing. I get what everyone is saying it just seems so counterintuitive. I read about the picnic outside the castle, the light house, sandiís advice to people. I just feel like with my w I need to pursue, I wonít by the advice on here. Itís so hard to imagine attracting someone without pursuing. When I think how I won my w back in college I had to pursue. She is old fashioned where she doesnít believe in women making the moves. One of the problems with our love life. I always had to make the moves. She never did!!! So I feel like giving her space is only creating more space.
Steve you said my Situation reminded you a lot of yours. Am I on the right path? I know she is hurting I just canít tell if itís because our marriage is ending or if she is having second thoughts, but her damn pride would never let her admit she made a mistake.
Posted By: SoTorn Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/17/19 04:34 PM
Originally Posted by Si_07
Hi Wolf, I have followed your story as it's similar to my own just a couple of years later and I see similarities in our wives.

LH's question is a good one and one I have asked myself many times over the past few years and your answer is also similar to my thinking. The reasons are not horrible, like you said it's that fear of change.

It's a hard thing to see right now but in my case having had my own place, doing what I want when I don't have my kids and doing many great things with them when I do have them, away from the toxic environment where I never felt I could do enough, where I just felt like someone's slave, I have realised how much better a father I am first and foremost.

If your W is a narcissist/emotional bully, it's likely that it will get harder before it gets easier. Mine gets in touch when she isn't getting her supply especially if I have been NC for awhile. She is also great at playing the victim, I have heard most things over the past few years since I having been moving on with my life.. "I am punishing her", "I am teaching her a lesson", "I am selfish and nasty", "I am a awful father", "I will go to jail if I don't give her money" (this one she told our kids which put them in tears and her response was that they didn't understand her).

It's all about trying to lower your confidence, guilt trips, anything to keep that supply.



This is exactly what my EXWW does. She sees me doing well and just has to start making threats and putting me down. Calling me a liar etc. She literally told me I was going to end up like her mom. Her mom is NPD and cant manage money to save her life. Her mom ended up fat old, bitter and alone.

Im already far from being anything like that. It actually made me laugh. Im about to move out. D was final yesterday. Im sad but it feels good to know I am not who my EXWW convinces herself I am.
Posted By: SoTorn Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/17/19 04:44 PM
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Steve thank you for your input. Iím glad I made the right decision. That was not easy for me since I usually give in. I felt better later on that I made a stand.
LH. I am working on getting my ďpartsĒ back. I know I still have a ways to go, but I am working on it. My emotions are still very much a roller coaster. I wish they werenít. I know it takes time. It just hurts while I am in his mess.

I have read so much on here lately and man I really gets me thinking. I read about other peopleís situation, a lot of Sandiís writing. I get what everyone is saying it just seems so counterintuitive. I read about the picnic outside the castle, the light house, sandiís advice to people. I just feel like with my w I need to pursue, I wonít by the advice on here. Itís so hard to imagine attracting someone without pursuing. When I think how I won my w back in college I had to pursue. She is old fashioned where she doesnít believe in women making the moves. One of the problems with our love life. I always had to make the moves. She never did!!! So I feel like giving her space is only creating more space.
Steve you said my Situation reminded you a lot of yours. Am I on the right path? I know she is hurting I just canít tell if itís because our marriage is ending or if she is having second thoughts, but her damn pride would never let her admit she made a mistake.


W, you have to back off and not pursue because it just feeds their narcissism. They feel entitled. They feel luke they are above us and dont respect us. Not pursuing shows them that they are not the center of the world.

When we back off it gives them time to reflect on themselves. Someone with NPD cant handle that well because they need their control and that fix of negativity. They have a need to make themselves feel better by putting someone down and getting a rise out of them.

When you stand up for yourself and dont fall for the bait, all they can do is stare at themselves in the mirror. The hope is that they will actually recognize their behaviors and realize they are the ones that need to fix themselves. Unfortunately, most NPD people wont even step up to the plate and recognize their issues.

When I pulled back hard and away from my EXWW, she pursued hard with negativity, threats, attempts at control. I can clearly see that she hasnt even acknowledged her part in the failure of our M. She is the same person and I seriously doubt she would ever change herself.

Thats why, although it hurt badly, I accepted the D. I didnt push or stop it. She filed and I didnt delay. I gave her what she wanted and showed her that I value myself and that my morals and integrity mean more to me than the person she is.

My EXWW lost me. She was a fool to lose me. I know this. I am a much better man now.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/17/19 05:29 PM
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Steve you said my Situation reminded you a lot of yours. Am I on the right path? I know she is hurting I just canít tell if itís because our marriage is ending or if she is having second thoughts, but her damn pride would never let her admit she made a mistake..


Wolf, I think you are. Ovr shared a new saying yesterday:

When they want you, you will know. When they don't, you will be confused.

WAWs/WWs are the trickiest creatures on the planet. Because from minute to minute they don't even know what they want. So how could you possibly know, and even if you did the next minute it would be different.

What I can tell you is that the pursuit-distance dynamic is truth. Pursue and pressure and she will high-tail it the other way. Back off and give her space and she will come sniffing around wondering what has changed.

WASs are like Blue Racer snakes. If you run from them they will chase you. If you stop running they will stop chasing. If you go towards them they will run the other way.
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/17/19 05:32 PM
SoTorn, I am sure you DB the heck out of it. And yet you still ended up d. I know this program is about making ourselves a better person but I also donít want to be divorced. I know itís out of my control but itís not what I want. I know itís not what anyone wants on here, thatís why we are here. I just wish I read more success stories on here how it worked. I definitely need more patience. Itís just that things are moving along with the d. I am trying real hard to GAL, detaching, and 180. At least on the surface it looks like it has no effect. She is still in full MLC, going bar hopping, only talks about herself, buying new clothes all the time, dressing much younger. Sometimes I have to laugh, she talks about how hard it is with the kids, (I validate when she talks) how much money she has to spend on everything (again I validate). At one point she got off Facebook for a little while because she said she hated everyone. Basically meaning how her life was terrible and everyone else had a great life. Again I validate. Itís just funny and puzzling to me how she sees the struggle but doesnít see she has created all of this. That in her warped mind she thought d was suppose to solve all her problems.
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/17/19 06:02 PM
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I just feel like with my w I need to pursue, I wonít by the advice on here. Itís so hard to imagine attracting someone without pursuing.


Have you read "the art of seduction?" Lots of great counter-intuitive ways to attract without pursuing.



Imagine you see the most stunning woman ever. You walk up and start talking to her. She attracted you without pursuing you.

Understand what woman are attracted to. Project that. To every woman you interact with.

What are your plans for the weekend?
Posted By: LH19 Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/17/19 06:07 PM
W,

I have news for you. If your W is infull MLC it will be 2-5 years for her to come out of it.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/17/19 06:46 PM
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Itís so hard to imagine attracting someone without pursuing. When I think how I won my w back in college I had to pursue. She is old fashioned where she doesnít believe in women making the moves. One of the problems with our love life. I always had to make the moves. She never did!!! So I feel like giving her space is only creating more space.


Yes, this is exactly the logic most LBS's use to validate their need and desire to pursue. Here's the problem with this thinking- when you were in college your W was attracted to you. Your pursuit was flattering, sexy, desirable. It turned her on, it's all part of the human mating ritual. You weren't pursuing to make yourself attractive, she already found you attractive. You were pursuing to establish a LTR with her, one that she too was interested in. But now- no, nope, no sir. She is NOT AT ALL interested in you. Have you ever been pursued by someone you can't stand? It's repulsive. It makes you dislike them even more. You find them weak, pathetic, needy. THIS is how she sees you when you pursue. It is NOT attractive to her right now. What is attractive? Sorry to say but it's anyone but you. With lots of time and lots of space she may find you attractive again in the future.

Quote
I know she is hurting I just canít tell if itís because our marriage is ending or if she is having second thoughts, but her damn pride would never let her admit she made a mistake.


She's hurting because this is difficult for her. She isn't just turning your life upside down, she's turning her own life upside down too. But that should tell you just how bad she wants out of the M- she's willing to put herself through all this pain just to get away from you. She's worried, she's scared of the unknown, and she's upset that she's hurting those she loves. But don't let that confuse you, she is still "full steam ahead."

Quote
SoTorn, I am sure you DB the heck out of it. And yet you still ended up d. I know this program is about making ourselves a better person but I also donít want to be divorced. I know itís out of my control but itís not what I want. I know itís not what anyone wants on here, thatís why we are here.


All of us come here desperate to save our M's. We DB to save our M's, but somewhere along the way we save ourselves. And after that happens, some of us realize we deserve way the hell better than a cheating, lying, unloving wife. So while a lot of us come here to save our M's, we end up deciding that D is better after all. That is EXACTLY what happened to me, I am the one that pushed the D through. So you think ST and I are not success stories? I am so much happier and healthier than I was. I have a girlfriend that I have so many more common interests with, it really makes me realize how much I was missing out on due to a lack of common interests with XW. My GF texts me a laundry list of naughty things she wants to do next time she sees me. 4 years on and the electricity hasn't diminished. Meanwhile there have been people here who reconciled and struggled almost daily with whether they should have or not. They have trust issues, they have intimacy issues. Life is not black and white and this is not a simple matter of recon = success and no recon = failure.

Quote
Itís just that things are moving along with the d.


Your W is already D'd in her mind. The rest is just a formality. You need to let go of trying to save your M, it's already on a cold slab with a toe tag. Set your sights on the future, make yourself the most awesome Wolfman you can be and then maybe down the road you'll be working on a new R with her.

Quote
I am trying real hard to GAL, detaching, and 180. At least on the surface it looks like it has no effect.


As long as you GAL to get her attention it will not help you drop the rope and it will not attract her back. Change your focus!
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/17/19 08:21 PM
R2C thank you for the book suggestion. I will definitely buy it. I look forward to reading it and using the techniques. I have to make plans for Saturday. Sunday I play baseball in a menís league I have a game in the morning then doing an open house for real estate in the afternoon.

LH I read that too. I was hoping it wasnít true. Part of my denial kicking in. I have to come with the realization I will be divorced. I need to work on myself and drop the rope!!

AS thank you for the 2x4s. I need to be hit with the truth. I donít know if anyone can answer this question, you said with Lots of space and time you said she may find me attractive again? What is it about the space and time that will do it? If anyone has that answer? Maybe Sandi could give some insight. AS that makes me feel good that you found someone that really makes you happy. I look at that as a success story. Sorry if I made it seem like anyone who got divorced not a success. Like I said in previous posts for me itís just the fear of the unknown, the fear of starting over and honestly speaking just pisses me off what I dedicated to this family to end up here!! I know itís completely irrelevant so many women Iím friends with and work with have told me what a mistake she is making and wish I was there husband. That pisses me off too, other women see my worth but the one I want!!

Thanks guys. This forum really helps me getting refocused and centered. Your wisdom is truly priceless.
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/17/19 09:11 PM

W is unhappy. She blames you for her unhappiness. She puts her happiness into other people. You need to be completely out of the picture so she can realize that she is unhappy without you.


So during this period, you have to find your happiness without her (or before jumping into another R with a different woman for that matter). Become happy being you. Enjoy every moment of every day. That is the goal. That is what you are to learn. "The four agreements" is another must read.
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/18/19 02:48 PM
Good morning everyone. There is something I would like to talk about and hopefully you vets can help me out. I get the whole thing about detaching from our w. Let me tell you itís so hard to detach when I never pictured my life without her. But I am taking it one day at a time. I feel like this is taking me longer than most people on here. The part I want to talk about though is my kids. I miss them dearly when I am not with them. I try to keep myself busy and GAL as much as possible. But there are still periods when I am not busy every second. Those are the moments I want to just breakdown and cry. My kids have always been my world!!! As I write this I am tearing up. How do I deal with the loss of my kids? Is it just time? I try to fill my days up but itís hard to fill every second.

AS you said something (sorry I donít know how to do those quote boxes) about how in her mind the m was that bad that she needed to get out. But how does someone do that knowing they wonít be with their kids all the time?? Look I can honestly say there were times I was unhappy in the m. And thought about d my w. But then when I thought about it the problems were not huge (no cheating, abuse, alcohol, drugs or gambling) I said I have to make this work. Especially for my kids. I guess because I am not a ďwalk awayĒ I wont understand their mindset. How they could not just walk away from their spouse but their kids to a certain extent. Is it normal for me to feel disgust for her doing this??? Or a sense of real anger that she is putting our family though this? Today is a beautiful day and I would normally take them to the playground and play with them. Instead I am by myself, where most people would love the freedom. I love my kids more than anything and I hate that she put them in the crossfire!!!

Thank you R2C for the info and book. I will be ordering this. Everyoneís advice and words of wisdom helps. I always look forward what people have to say.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/18/19 04:04 PM
W,

When you decided to move out of your house and back in with your parents knowing you were sacrificing time with your kids. Why did you do it? You did it based on emotion. You logically didnít think you would miss your kids when you left. You left to stop the pain.

Thatís the exact thing she is doing right now. Sheís not logically thinking about the consequences of divorce.

As far as detachment, I still donít think you quite understand what it means. It takes a really long time for the average guy and Iím guessing for you it may take double.

Itís good to cry it out when youíre alone. Itís also therapeutical to break $hit too.

Hang in there wolf.
Posted By: SoTorn Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/18/19 05:25 PM
Originally Posted by Wolfman
SoTorn, I am sure you DB the heck out of it. And yet you still ended up d. I know this program is about making ourselves a better person but I also donít want to be divorced. I know itís out of my control but itís not what I want. I know itís not what anyone wants on here, thatís why we are here. I just wish I read more success stories on here how it worked. I definitely need more patience. Itís just that things are moving along with the d. I am trying real hard to GAL, detaching, and 180. At least on the surface it looks like it has no effect. She is still in full MLC, going bar hopping, only talks about herself, buying new clothes all the time, dressing much younger. Sometimes I have to laugh, she talks about how hard it is with the kids, (I validate when she talks) how much money she has to spend on everything (again I validate). At one point she got off Facebook for a little while because she said she hated everyone. Basically meaning how her life was terrible and everyone else had a great life. Again I validate. Itís just funny and puzzling to me how she sees the struggle but doesnít see she has created all of this. That in her warped mind she thought d was suppose to solve all her problems.


I am still BD. Yes my M is over, but I am ok with it. Its a marathon and not a race. My EXWW wanted her new life without me so badly that she finally filed and we are now D. Thats ok with me.

Just remember that if you have hope and you want it to work, keep shining that light on the path. I stopped shining the light. I did that because I dont want to be with a woman that thinks its ok to have sex with other men while married. Plus my EXWW was extremely hateful to me. She honestly pushed me away with her continued behavior. Her behavior diminished my love and care for her. Someone who treats me so badly doesnt deserve me or my love.

My EXWW showed zero remorse. She still blames me and justifies her actions based on her false perspective of who I am. My EXWW has no idea who I am. She never stopped to see who I am now. Thats fine with me.

You are the only one who can decide how long you will hold onto hope. How long can you take this? I wasnt going to waste any of my valuable life waiting around to see if my EXWW would come around. BD did help me. It helped me find myself and find my balls.

My EXWW actually got to the point where she is now angry that I didnt fall on my face without her. I am fine on my own. This doesnt fit her model of what was supposed to happen to me.
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/19/19 02:50 AM
Originally Posted by Wolfman
The part I want to talk about though is my kids. I miss them dearly when I am not with them.....My kids have always been my world!!! As I write this I am tearing up. How do I deal with the loss of my kids?
This is why I push for 50/50 parenting. Best thing I ever did.


Quote

ďFor what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.Ē
― Benjamin Button, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button



There are subconscious things that need to be let out. Cry when you are alone. Let it all out. Let the anger out to. Turn the TV loud if needed. Do it in the shower if need. Empty parking lot in your car. Feel all the feelings. Embrace them.
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/19/19 05:49 PM
Thanks guys for your words of wisdom. It makes me feel better when you say itís ok to let those emotions out. I always feel better when I do. Yes I do it when no one is around.

LH she is definitely not thinking about the consequences of divorce. I just got a nasty phone call from her. She text me first about activities about the kids. So when she called I thought it was about that. WRONG!! She called because she is crashing and burning with money. My w was always a big spender. No joke we would spend about $30-$35k a year just on vacations. We would go out to dinner all the time. She buy brand name bags and clothes, you get the drift. Now that she doesnít have my money she is putting herself into serious debt. And of course who is she blaming... yup me. How she has no money, she canít keep paying for all these things, that I am screwing her with the house that she has to keep it and take care of it by herself. Duh what did you think was going to happen in d? That I would still go over there and take care of the house? Iím sure thatís what she was thinking.
We put money into a joint account every month but because of her spending and normal bills she is racking up serious cc debt. I told her I could not speak to her at this time, I am working. So, of course I get a nasty text how she didnít go for the full child support how nice she was in doing that. Then when I pay for things and itís something we have to split she gets mad that I ask her for the money and says Iím penny pinching. The best part of the text she complains how I can come and go as I please because I donít live there. When she didnít want me in the house anymore, yet she is now throwing that in my face. I responded back to the text with:
Look I know you are frustrated with everything. I appreciate that you brought it down. If you would like we can discuss this further later when I am done here.
I think her new reality is setting in and she doesnít like it. I donít know what she was expecting. Wait I know to keep doing everything for her while she goes out partying. Lol nope not happening.
Posted By: SoTorn Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/19/19 08:19 PM
They don't think about any consequences. They only think about what they feel is going to make them happy right now. My EXWW literally thought that she could just DB me, I would just sleep in a different room than her and be her plan B in case her new R fell apart. She had no clue or idea that I would hire a PI to follow her around and find out the truth.

My EXWW only now sees her consequences. One of them is a huge financial hit on her part. She had to pay me a large sum of money when D was finalized. She has to refinance the house out of my name and pay me half of the equity. Our interest rates were really low when we bought this house. They are up since then and the value of the home has increased. So she is going to significantly increase her monthly costs by having to buy me out.

She thought she would just take all of her money away from me and that I would fall on my face. I never did and I am fine financially. She is losing a man that truly loved her and was there for her and who tried to be a better person for her. But she didnt pay attention, so now I am moving out and moving on from her life. Her family is torn in two and she will have to spend a week at a time without her kids.

She didnt think about any of this while she was in la la land falling in love with OM. She even gave me some crocodile tears and said to me that we can still D and I can stay living here. Nope, I am gone. She swore to me that I would never qualify for a nice home to rent. I found a nice house. She just knew I would lose my car. I still have it. She just knew that when I joined the gym last year that I was going to not go and stay fat. I lost 100lbs.

Everything she expected didnt happen and everything she didnt think about happened. On the other hand, I am way far ahead of the game financially and emotionally. I am looking forward to not being held back by this selfish person my EXWW became.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/20/19 01:58 PM
W,

If she is racking up serious debt you may want to push the D through because you will be responsible for half the debt.
Posted By: SoTorn Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/20/19 04:58 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
W,

If she is racking up serious debt you may want to push the D through because you will be responsible for half the debt.



This, or at least confirm with a lawyer that the separation date counts in court. Here where I live, the separation date is what counts. Even living IHS, our separation date was September 24, 2018. The courts considered all debt and income prior to that date. But its different in every state.

Protect yourself.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/20/19 07:33 PM
I agree with ST and LH, lawyer up ASAP and make sure you are protected from all the debt she is accruing. Does she have her own CC or is it in your name as well? If in your name then FULL STOP on that right away. WAS's and especially MLCers can rack up debt at an astonishing rate and more than one LBS has been shocked to find they are responsible for half of it in the D, sometimes even after S. And of those, many of them also got a cold slap in the face when they found out the debt was way, WAY more than they thought they knew.

Originally Posted by Wolfman
I donít know if anyone can answer this question, you said with Lots of space and time you said she may find me attractive again? What is it about the space and time that will do it?


R2C covered it well but basically she blames you for everything from her current unhappiness to why she made a D on a math test in the 2nd grade. You've got to "remove yourself from the equation" before she'll start to realize that her problems are following her wherever she goes. The more you can distance yourself then the easier it will be for her to figure this out. With time she'll start remembering that maybe Wolf wasn't so bad after all, and we did have some good times, and then when she sees you looking confident, stronger, happier, better dressed she'll think "oh wow, what am I missing out on?" That's the point. You give her time and distance and you go about the business of making yourself Wolf squared. Super Wolf. Make her kick herself for leaving. As the saying here goes- "make yourself the spouse only a fool would leave." My addition to that is "...and if she leaves, well then she's a fool and do you want to be with a fool?"

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AS that makes me feel good that you found someone that really makes you happy. I look at that as a success story. Sorry if I made it seem like anyone who got divorced not a success. Like I said in previous posts for me itís just the fear of the unknown, the fear of starting over and honestly speaking just pisses me off what I dedicated to this family to end up here!!


I totally understand that, we were all there. Fear of the unknown is very real, and very frightening. Eventually you will cross that boundary into the unknown, and it won't be as dark and scary as you think. Maybe at first, but eventually it'll be your "new normal" and you will find peace, and beyond that even thrive. But right now it's dark and scary looking there.

Quote
The part I want to talk about though is my kids. I miss them dearly when I am not with them. I try to keep myself busy and GAL as much as possible. But there are still periods when I am not busy every second. Those are the moments I want to just breakdown and cry. My kids have always been my world!!! As I write this I am tearing up. How do I deal with the loss of my kids? Is it just time? I try to fill my days up but itís hard to fill every second.


Don't be afraid to cry, just try not to around W or the kids. I've relayed this many times but I grew up in a "boys don't cry" environment. In the months after BD I quite literally cried more than I had in the first 50 years of my life added together. I cried on the 30 minute drive to work. I cried on the drive home. I cried in my closet. I cried in the backyard. I cried at how helpless I was to stop the crying. Eventually I cried less and less until it finally, blessedly stopped. But you've got to let it happen, don't try to stop it or it will just come out worse later. Interestingly I don't think I've cried once in the years since then, since well before D. Anyway your feelings are real, own them.

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AS you said something (sorry I donít know how to do those quote boxes) about how in her mind the m was that bad that she needed to get out. But how does someone do that knowing they wonít be with their kids all the time??


It's their rationalization hamster. They will rationalize it like this- "I'm not happy and the kids will see that and they will not be happy either. If I get out of this M then I will be exceedingly happy and the kids will see that and be happier too. Therefore separation and divorce are GOOD for the kids." You can send her reams of data explaining otherwise, but there is NOTHING that can trump the rationalization hamster. He is busy running running running in that wheel all day and night.

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Is it normal for me to feel disgust for her doing this??? Or a sense of real anger that she is putting our family though this?


That's your POV. Hers is that this is all because of you. The truth is probably somewhere between those two extremes.

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She called because she is crashing and burning with money. My w was always a big spender. No joke we would spend about $30-$35k a year just on vacations. We would go out to dinner all the time. She buy brand name bags and clothes, you get the drift. Now that she doesnít have my money she is putting herself into serious debt. And of course who is she blaming... yup me. How she has no money, she canít keep paying for all these things, that I am screwing her with the house that she has to keep it and take care of it by herself


Listen and validate.

"It sounds like you are frustrated, I can certainly understand why you feel that way."

"So you will send me more money?"

"No, we're both on very tight budgets now. I am having difficulty getting by and really need to watch things closely."

"BUT WHAT ABOUT MEEEE IT'S ALL ABOUT ME I NEED A NEW PURSE"

"I am sorry you are struggling, it must be very difficult."

"HOW DARE YOU BLAH BLAH BLAH"

"I will not be disrespected, if you can't discuss this calmly I am going to hang up."

"WHAT???? WHO DO YOU..."

-click-

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Duh what did you think was going to happen in d? That I would still go over there and take care of the house? Iím sure thatís what she was thinking.


It doesn't matter. Don't expend energy on this kind of negative thinking. Around her- listen and validate. That's it. When not around her- what can Wolf do today to make himself a better dude?

Quote
When she didnít want me in the house anymore, yet she is now throwing that in my face. I responded back to the text with:
Look I know you are frustrated with everything. I appreciate that you brought it down. If you would like we can discuss this further later when I am done here.


Very good. Keep your cool. Listen and validate. Nice job!
Posted By: SoTorn Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/20/19 08:39 PM
My EXWW literally just said "The kids will be fine".

So she decided the kids will be fine, she didn't actually ask them if they would be fine or consider their needs or if they would be ok with living with each parent 50% of the time. She just made a determination that they would be "fine".

They don't care about ANYTHING but themselves. Its all about "me me me me me" with them. Thats it, nothing else. Pure unadulterated selfishness. They will also have no problem telling you how selfish they are and that only they matter.
Posted By: IHCLACS Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/21/19 12:23 PM
These statements from AS and SoTorn:

"It's their rationalization hamster. They will rationalize it like this- "I'm not happy and the kids will see that and they will not be happy either. If I get out of this M then I will be exceedingly happy and the kids will see that and be happier too. Therefore separation and divorce are GOOD for the kids." You can send her reams of data explaining otherwise, but there is NOTHING that can trump the rationalization hamster. He is busy running running running in that wheel all day and night."

My EXWW literally just said "The kids will be fine".

So she decided the kids will be fine, she didn't actually ask them if they would be fine or consider their needs or if they would be ok with living with each parent 50% of the time. She just made a determination that they would be "fine".

They don't care about ANYTHING but themselves. Its all about "me me me me me" with them. Thats it, nothing else. Pure unadulterated selfishness. They will also have no problem telling you how selfish they are and that only they matter.

These statements are right on the money. I had a conversation with W last weekend about this, about how our S1 will never know an intact family, how sad that is, how he may or may not wind up screwed up later in life because of it, (and I know from experience because I have seen it first hand from nieces and nephews from divorce and seperation.) I'm not advocating we stay together for time being, but they really don't think about the long term affects. Even though not advisable, I did point out how selfish this was. Her justification was that it would be better for her as an individual and parent, to be happy, find her happiness, find her tribe or whatever. That in her mind, the risk vs reward of seperation and divorce far outweighs and benefits her and S1 more than staying and working out things together. So I told her then you better be prepared and willing to have that conversation when the time comes, and your justified reasons, because our S1 is going to get an entirely different story from me. She's convinced that its good that he is young so he won't remember or know any better, that its better to break up the family when they are this young. She thinks she is doing him a service.

I asked my W what are you going to tell our son when he is old enough to ask, and has questions about S and D.

And...This is from the horse's (I mean WAW's.) mouth and I quote....

"Just because we have a history together, doesn't mean we should stay together"

"Our issues and our situation are unique"

"I looked five years down the road and it made me cringe"

Me: "How do you think separation, and co-parenting is going to look like?"

"Well that's the thing... I'm doing this for him. We are separating because I feel that me being happy is more important, is and being a better example for him, is being better parent for him, rather than doing the right thing."

"I am still having trouble seeing the downfall and the role that I played in the failure of the marriage."

There are many more irrational quotes that I haven't included that sound insane, but scripted, common, and normal to us here going through it.

Even though i remained calm in front of her, that conversation pissed me off so much, realizing just how selfish, my once very thoughtfull, giving, and kind W has turned. This is not someone I want to remain married to, and started getting all my papers and affairs in order to push through the D. I have yet to file. I do understand partially her side of it though. This is coming from someone and is the result of someone who has been people-pleasing, and has been the caretaker for over 30 years, and is taking the time to make herself happy, find herself, work on herself (I think?) So even though I don't agree with the selfishness I can understand why, when is if someone's perception that they've been putting everyone else first than themselves last for so many years, and how they can lose their identity.

My perception is I would rather be unhappy in a certain area of my life and happy in the others, work on things and figure things out, learn better coping skills and mechanisms, and make sacrifices for children. They don't see it this way. Their happiness comes first, for the benefit of the children, or so they portray. I think there is a different way of thinking with this between a man and a woman and the sexes. Still selfish though IMO.
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/21/19 09:31 PM
Quote
I just feel like with my w I need to pursue, I wonít by the advice on here. Itís so hard to imagine attracting someone without pursuing. When I think how I won my w back in college I had to pursue.


Of course you pursued her before you married her. That is a natural instinct for men. But once she loses respect in you as a man/husband.......everything changes.

I don't think your W is having a MLC. Some of her actions toward having more youthful appearances might cause you to think so, but the same can be said for a WW, too.

I think you M a very spoiled, self-centered, manipulative woman. You picked up where her parents left off and spoil her even more. And the entire time, you resented having to do all the work while your spoiled W wouldn't lift a hand. It seem no matter what you tried, she would not share in the responsibilities that come with having a home and raising children. She's not going to change with you as her H, b/c you can't understand & accept how she is......and she expects everyone to treat her like she's special. I mean, she has the audacity to ask aren't you going to clean the floors (or whatever)? This is the type of female that only a very Alpha male would know how to put her in her place, and she would NEVER try to pull that cr@p on him again. He would get that little spoiled brat straighten out the first time her sense of entitlement surfaced. There are two types men you'll find in this kind of MR. He'll either be a strong Alpha, or her victim.

You have a serious situation that I don't know if you are really aware, and I'm talking about the dynamic between you, your W and your daughter. Maybe your son, as well, but you just haven't written much about him. Here's the thing. Your daughter has some unusual attachment issues tied to her mother. And mother expects you to show up and take care of any discipline if she has a problem with daughter. So, guess who the bad guy is? Also, I think there are little things that happen you don't catch. Like when you saw daughter whisper something to your W, and the W says little D is worried you will use her drinking and use it to take the kids away. That sounded very staged, IMHO. I think your W sets you up, and you don't see through it.

The night she started throwing her tantrum and overturning tables.....acting like Real Housewives of NJ, is when you might have prevented future violent behavior, by keeping the evidence for the authorities. She knew the second she saw you grab your phone that she had messed up big time. But as always, you were busy going back & forth between child and wife, trying to calm everyone down. I think the biggest problem for you is that you desperately want to believe your W will respond like a normal, loving, rationally-minded wife. Maybe you have lived in denial all these years, while she steadily grew worse. She is very manipulative, and I wouldn't be surprised if she had a lot to do with your D's problem.........and especially, in how your D feels toward you. I think there is much more that you haven't shared, which is understandable. ((hugs)) Frankly, considering how easily your W comes unhinged, I would be concerned about how it affects, and will continue to affect, the kids.

Actually, once the D is final, I think your W will depend on you to keep the kids most of the time. She just has to save face with her friends, currently, and later she will make up some defense for why they are with their dad most of time. Once you are really out of the house for good, and she can't manipulate you to do or pay for the work that needs to get done around there......and the kids refuse to help......she'll start turning on them. But first, she'll get you to handle any problems she has with the kids......just as you've done in the past.

So, my advice about your sitch is to forget about working on the MR. Don't move back into the house. Do whatever necessary to protect your finances. Get whatever professional help your children need. Let go of the emotional rope you have tied to your W, b/c she will manipulate for the rest of your days if you don't get wise to her ways. You should be so lucky if she has nothing more to do with you!

Sorry if my words are painful. I have read the many posts to you from others, and it's been hard for you to follow their advice. You have a lot of fear, but I don't think you are being totally honest (maybe with yourself) about the reasons behind the fear (except maybe the child support). Like I said, maybe you are in denial about some things concerning your W. You seem like a good and decent person. It angers me to see decent human beings hurt by spoiled, manipulative people who only think about what benefits them.

My grandmother use to tell me, "Beauty is as beauty does". I encourage you to consider a woman's attitude and actions as much as her outward attractiveness.
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/22/19 05:54 PM
Wow is all I have to say. I mean the advice here is absolutely golden!!! I would like to address everyoneís comments and answer some questions possibly.

LH and ST, as far as the debt we each have our own cc and bank accounts. I do have a lawyer and they told me that once she filed, everything was separated. I am not responsible for her debt. Thank god!!!!

AS that was a wealth of information. I go to a IC and am coming to grips what my fear is. Thinking I will never find someone else that I will really care for. The other is that she will get mad and go after the full child support. But little by little as I go out and see women checking me out and going to the gym a lot (which is helping my self esteem), going to counseling, Iím realizing I will find someone else, whenever that is. I am learning to just love myself and who I am. I really lost myself in this process. I havenít been on here in a few days because I have been GAL I have been so busy. Iím starting to find the old me. As far as crying about my kids, little by little I am getting use to it. I really try to fill those days up with things I enjoy that I havenít done in a long time. Or have never done and wanted to.

ST my w recently said that to me. That she hasnít been happy in a while and she needs to finds her happiness and the kids will be just fine and will move on. I could see that if there was abuse or violence in the home but there was none of that. Again I know that the ww has a warped sense of reality. I get that now and donít let her words affect me anymore.

IH I feel your pain. My w is completely selfish. And has become money hungry when her motto for a long time was, itís just money. Now every little thing she is trying to get money from me. In the past I would have given in, not anymore. Her line to me recently was, ďI donít have those kinds of feelings for you anymore.Ē I said ok. And she was shocked that I didnít really respond to that. I know I am a great person with a big heart. She is a fool for leaving me. I am getting more secure with myself and my confidence is going back up. Unfortunately I am getting to a point where I want the d to happen now. I deserve happiness. I have been beaten down for too long.

Sandi, I donít know what you do for a living but you should have been a therapist. Itís like youíve known my wife since she was a little girl. You are spot on with everything. You mentioned about how she thinks everyone should treat her like she is special. So true, she has always expected everyone to kiss her a$$, and when people donít she stops talking to them. Your words donít hurt, they open up my eyes. I know at this point the d will happen. Since I know it is going to happen, My fear was d and the child support. I no longer fear that. She got a taste of that the other night. She told me the child support # we agreed on wonít be enough for her and she is going to want more. I told her I wonít agree to more. I said I have to agree to it(again we are going through mediation). She said she was going for more, I said that fines get your lawyer again I will get mine and we can battle this out. She said you know you will lose. I said you never know but if thatís the route you wanna go then thatís fine. She then changed the subject. She was expecting me to be scared and back down. I am no longer afraid of d. She is absolutely spoiled and manipulative. I will not let my fear dictate how i act anymore. I know the next big thing she will try to manipulate, the pool. She is in for a rude awakening, she will have to pay for someone to take care of it. I am predicting it now, her exact words will be, you will do that to your kids? You donít love your kids? I know that is coming: not buying it. This is what you wanted. Welcome to your new reality. Sandi I donít mention my s a lot because he is a good boy and didnít show sides and hasnít really acted out.
Posted By: neffer Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/22/19 06:16 PM
Stand strong there Wolf. Start for knowing yourself, learning how to love and respect yourself. Then youīll find you wonīt NEED somebody else but youīll WANT someone.

The gift of time Cadet says...

Patience, perseverance, hope.

(((Wolf)))
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/22/19 07:06 PM
Sandi one other thing. I always thought as a husband you try and be your best and give everything you can to your w. Thatís what I did, in the process I made a bigger monster. I absolutely spoiled the hell out of her because I loved her and wanted her to have everything. And again you were right, I began to resent her because here I am doing everything I can for her and only ask for a little help and love. And I didnít get those things. So I would try harder by doing more things and getting her more, to only be let down some more. Only now am I beginning to see how selfish she was and self centered. The forum has really helped me a lot. I am sorry if I didnít always follow the advice on here, I was just so lost.

LH little by little I am taking back my balls. They belong to me and I am taking them back!!!
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/23/19 07:53 PM
Things are getting bad at my parents house now. Thatís where I am staying. I know Sandi you told me not to go back, I am ready to go back to my house and take back the MBR. Not to win her back but to get her butt moving with this. I am done with my m. I have so much anger and resentment for my w. I could care less about her!!! If she wants out let her make the moves. You all were right I should have never moved out. This weekend might get ugly. The only small fear I had was the child support. But you know what, I have to agree to it. If she decides she wants to take me to court guess what, that will mean that much longer I will be in the house. I never thought I would get to this spot. But enough is enough. No more ďMr. NiceguyĒ Right now I have a lot of emotions so before I act I am going to think this over.
Posted By: SoTorn Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/23/19 08:14 PM
You need to get to a point of indifference towards your W. Try to shed the anger and resentment. Not healthy. That is something that I have been working hard on. I refuse to be like my EXMIL. Bitter her entire life that her H left her when EXWW was younger. MIL never moved on and lives alone and is very emotionally and mentally unhealthy.

Not saying you would end up like that. There is just literally no point to be angry or resentful. This is where you focus on yourself. Does it benefit you to be angry and resent your W? I doubt it. So let it go. Because there is literally nothing else you can do about the situation besides accept it and move on with your life.
Posted By: IHCLACS Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/23/19 08:31 PM
Wolfman. This is nothing more than a business transaction at this point. You're name is on the deed? Take back what is rightfully yours. Take the MBR and half the house, and your belongings. She wants child support, draw up a parental agreement, have your attorney, or mediatorn or family probate, review and present it to hers. You take your emotions our of the equation, think logically, play hardball if necessary, put your ball$ in front of you, protect yourself, your assets, and your children. With friends like our WAS, who needs enemies?
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/23/19 09:24 PM
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I am ready to go back to my house and take back the MBR.



Quote
I have so much anger and resentment for my w. This weekend might get ugly.
Listen to me. This is critically important:

You need to be in complete control of your emotions. Clint Eastwood is how you want to behave.

Before you go back, you have to forgive your W. Not for her, but for you. Do not let her control you. Forgive her now. Forgive her an hour from now. Keep doing this.

You have to release all you anger before you go back. Get in your car, drive someplace where you can park and scream and yell without anyone else hearing/seeing you. Scream it all out. Repeat as needed. Same thing for crying.


Get to a point of indifference.







Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/24/19 03:12 PM
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I have so much anger and resentment for my w. I could care less about her!!!


Wolf, if you cared less about her then there would be no anger or resentment. Do own your feelings but don't react because of your feelings. If you're going to move back that's fine, but it needs to be something you do calm and cool as a cucumber. Your W is not going to be pleased at all so be prepared for that. She may even try to change the locks on you, that's not legal but she may not know or care. Then you're left getting the police involved. Just be ready for anything, have contingency plans.

Quote
Right now I have a lot of emotions so before I act I am going to think this over.


Yes, good call!
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/24/19 04:25 PM


She may call the cops. She may file a restraining order. Be ready for anything.


Do you follow LB55?
Posted By: IHCLACS Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/24/19 05:32 PM
Wolf you better be emotionally centered if she does call the cops, and you better have that copy of that deed
ready with your name on it. That is why most people here advised not to leave the house or the MBR. You have a moral obligation to protect your children you have a legal obligation to protect your home and your assets. Since you left for over a month or more she does not have any legal grounds to have the police throw you out of your own home however she does and can possibly have legal grounds to claim abandonment with your children in Family Court. You better make sure that any encounter or interaction you have with her within the household is recorded, and or documented. Depending on your state laws you may be able to record her without her having to know about it but might not be able to involve a third party as far as evidence and laws. Check with your local state laws first. If she files a restraining order, she could make up any reason Under the Sun for justification of it, and you will have to go through the trouble of having it vacated. If she becomes the first one to file the restraining order, what I want you to do is file a counter restraining order against her for you and your children and you better have the evidence and proof that she is having an affair and that is affecting your children within the home.

I've seen my brother go through this you better be prepared and fight for your kids with all you've got
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/27/19 01:54 PM
Any updates?
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/28/19 03:24 AM
I have not gone back yet. You all freaked me out about the whole restraining order. For those of you who donít know I am living in my parents house. My mom is handicapped and have a live in aid to help. Well my dad is having an affair with the aid and he took off with her, leaving me with my handicapped mom. She wants me to help her get in and out of bed, change her, help her with all her meds. How much can one person handle. We just hired someone to help out, but my mom is already pissing her off.
I am really considering going back to my house and going back into the MBR and be prepared for the worse. If some of you are thinking I should get an apartment, I feel like why should I? I know I should have never given up the MBR to begin with. If she doesnít like it she can move out. I am tired off this. All of this!!! Where is that ďlightĒ at the end of the tunnel? All I see is darkness. Another thing is, I didnít want to move back to my house because my w is seeing what it will be like to be a single mom and have to deal with all the problems that come with running a home, since I did it all my own. I am so confused and stuck. And you all scared the crap out of me about moving back.
I havenít been on in a while because I have been taking care of my mom and trying to figure out what to do. I think my situation has to be the most messed up situation on here!! Lucky me!!
Posted By: SoTorn Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/28/19 05:47 AM
Dont be scared. If you are afraid then get a recording device or a lapel camera. I was afraid my EXWW was going to report me for false DV. I got hidden cameras and non hidden ones. Kept her honest. Pissed but honest lol.


Sounds rough with your mom. But you are letting your dad eat cake by bailing on her. If there is a caregiver, let them do their job and be supportive but not the main caregiver. Its hard but the best decision right now is the decision that affects your future and happiness.

You dont have to ask to move to your own home.
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/28/19 06:55 PM
I am so sorry everything seems to be hitting you at once. It is really hard when you are sandwiched between taking care of parents and taking care of your personal problems.

IDK if your mom would qualify for some health services offered to people who are disabled and live alone.......or if you even want to check and see. I'm just wondering since her H abandoned her and you feel you have more than you can handle at the moment, you might make a couple of calls and get some leads about facilities or in home services that could give, at least, some temporary relief.

I wonder if you see home, as a refuge of sorts, b/c it would take you out of the stressful environment you have at your mom's place. Actually, you may exchange one stressful environment for another one. Don't let anyone scare you into doing something you don't want to do. People here can warn you about some incidents they know happened, but at the end of the day......it's easy for us to tell you what to do. Know what I mean? If you get charged or penalized in some fashion, who has to pay? Not us! Read the pros & cons, and get the legal advice of your lawyer, and do what you feel is best. Just be aware! I think that's what everyone is trying to say.
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/28/19 08:14 PM

Originally Posted by Wolfman
You all freaked me out about the whole restraining order.
It is all about awareness. If you prepare for the worse case, then anything else is easier to deal with. If the worse case does happen, then you already have a plan.

How many of us have said:
"My wife wouln't do that"

and then said:

"I can't believe my wife did that" or "is doing this"


Going into a sitch with your eyes wide open is better than being blindsided.
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/29/19 02:26 PM
Thanks for being here, Sandi, SoTorn, R2C, IH, LH, and everyone else. Sorry if I missed anyone. I am just taking it one day at a time. Being in this situation has made my depression worse. I try to find little positive things to keep me going. The feeling of another loss, my dad just taking off and leaving my handicap mover to take care of is so difficult. My IC told me this is probably the most difficult part of your life. But she reminds me this is not permanent. That I will find my own place eventually (waiting for w to buy me out). I will find love again. My d eventually will come around. I told my IC I get that, but Iím living this hell now. I read a quote the other day that fits how I feel, it goes like this:
When people have nightmares they wake up to get away from it then feel relief. I go to sleep and try to stay asleep to get away from my nightmare. I am trying to GAL, but itís hard. Trying to be the best dad with my kids. I took them to the air show at the beach this weekend, took them to an aquarium, went to a friends house. Took them to a amusement park. I donít want them to see how depressed I am and that I feel like I am dying on the inside. This forum helps me a lot, a safe space to talk and know I am not the only one going through d hell.
I know we are not suppose to live in the past but itís hard. A year ago I was turning 40 and my w had all these nice things planned for me. She surprised me with a weekend away for the 2 of us with this crazy couples massage. A romantic getaway. Then she surprised me with a 40th surprise birthday party at the vineyards with all our friends. And now to be here just blows me away. I know I have to let go of those memories itís just hard. Thanks for listening.
Posted By: neffer Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/29/19 03:20 PM
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I try to find little positive things to keep me going.


Things you already have: D:11 S:8

Be strong there man. Live the present. Resist. Face forward.

Thereīs a crowd in your corner here. But we are there with you.

(((((((Wolf)))))))
Posted By: joejoe1 Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/29/19 05:47 PM
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I know we are not suppose to live in the past but itís hard.


It's ok to revisit the past just don't stay there. Come out in the present, your future self is waiting on you. Your W did those amazing things for you. You did amazing things for her as well.

You have a job now, and it's to find your confidence. You kids are waiting on confident daddy!!!! Don't let them wait too long.
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/29/19 06:58 PM


You are in charge of your own happiness. You have to create it.



Shut your brain off. Stay in the moment as much as possible and enjoy it. (this is learned behavior)


Wake up in the morning and take 4 or 5 deep breaths. Just feel the air going in and out. Enjoy that.

Get in the shower. Feel the warm water. Enjoy that.

Smell the shampoo. Enjoy that. ( Buy good smelling shampoo)


keep doing this all day.

Go for a walk. Watch the sunset. Enjoy that.


Cook yourself dinner. Enjoy cooking and enjoy eating. Turn on music and enjoy doing the dishes.


These are just examples. The key is being in the moment.
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/29/19 08:34 PM
Quote
Being in this situation has made my depression worse.


I've dealt with depression since I was a teenager. When I was able to engage in something creative, it helped to offset the depression. If I was in a situation where I was not able to put energy into a creative project, then it seem to worsen. I'm just saying that about myself.

I can empathize to an extent about your mom. Mine had a stroke, and I wasn't a spring chick myself. I was still going to work everyday, and staying with her at night. She did not want to give up to go to a nursing home, so we tried to keep her home, until we simply couldn't do it anymore. The stress of the emotional & physical demands takes it toll on your mind, body, marriage, and family. My heart goes out to those who are caretakers!! Dealing with a crisis in your MR, plus a crisis with your parents, is enough to depress anyone. I didn't feel as if I had a minute to take care of my personal needs, but the doctor kept telling me that if I went down......everyone would go down. Ha.....no pressure there! It's basically what we tell newcomers about taking care of self, first. So, see your doctor, therapist, take supplements, etc. Exercise and eat as healthy as possible. Try to take some time to be physically removed from the environment, if for just a while. Find something that removes your focus on the situation, for a hour, half a day, longer. Having something inspirational is important, b/c you have so much negative energy hitting you everyday....you have to purposely find something to feed you good positive energy.....music, literature, motivational tapes, whatever. It may not change your situation, but hopefully, it will help you stay well. I wished I had learned at a much younger age, that we humans need balance in our lives. It's mostly up to us to see that we get it.

Quote
The feeling of another loss, my dad just taking off and leaving my handicap mover to take care of is so difficult.


Experiencing loss back to back is the worse. (((hugs)))

Quote
And now to be here just blows me away. I know I have to let go of those memories itís just hard.


Not me! I'm not going to lose my good memories as long as I have my right mind. smile There is nothing wrong with sweet memories, Wolf. Just don't forget to keep living today, and looking forward. Your life will get better. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but it won't stay this way forever. Don't give up on life.

You are carrying a heavy load, Wolf. We are here to listen, whenever you need to be heard.
Posted By: IHCLACS Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/30/19 09:49 AM
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Thanks for being here, Sandi, SoTorn, R2C, IH, LH, and everyone else. Sorry if I missed anyone. I am just taking it one day at a time. Being in this situation has made my depression worse. I try to find little positive things to keep me going. The feeling of another loss, my dad just taking off and leaving my handicap mover to take care of is so difficult. My IC told me this is probably the most difficult part of your life. But she reminds me this is not permanent. That I will find my own place eventually (waiting for w to buy me out). I will find love again. My d eventually will come around. I told my IC I get that, but Iím living this hell now. I read a quote the other day that fits how I feel, it goes like this:
When people have nightmares they wake up to get away from it then feel relief. I go to sleep and try to stay asleep to get away from my nightmare. I am trying to GAL, but itís hard. Trying to be the best dad with my kids. I took them to the air show at the beach this weekend, took them to an aquarium, went to a friends house. Took them to a amusement park. I donít want them to see how depressed I am and that I feel like I am dying on the inside. This forum helps me a lot, a safe space to talk and know I am not the only one going through d hell.
I know we are not suppose to live in the past but itís hard. A year ago I was turning 40 and my w had all these nice things planned for me. She surprised me with a weekend away for the 2 of us with this crazy couples massage. A romantic getaway. Then she surprised me with a 40th surprise birthday party at the vineyards with all our friends. And now to be here just blows me away. I know I have to let go of those memories itís just hard. Thanks for listening.


Wolfy you are not alone. I totally understand the part about wanting to sleep to get away from this nightmare. I take naps on my lunch break, naps sometimes at home, and fall asleep to meditation music fully dressed just to get away from the pain. I took my 1 year old son alone to a winery/concert this weekend, after I rejected the W's invite to the beach this weekend. He did have a good time climbing the hills, playing in the apple orchards. (Yes there were other kids there.) Ran into one of my co workers, felt like a loser because he knows my sich, and I'm there without anyone else. S1 was teething, didn't have much of an appetite, developed a low grade fever, and threw up in the car, I got home, MIL was at house, she notices how frazzled I was getting him cared for, changed and washing the car seat out. She later texted me that she was thinking about me and the whole situation. The text unexpectedly upset me because she asked that W and I take care of each other. I wanted to write her back but couldnt. I will but will keep M out of it. She is scheduled to have a hysterectomy next week because her cancer is spreading, after 5 years of remission and colon cancer, I was writing back to her that day but I chose not to. She is always in my thoughts and prayers,† but she said that you and W need to stick together and help each other out. I almost lost it when I read that.† I was so raging angry that day. Not at S1 but situation, and the fact that I'm going to have to do this alone without W and a part of me deeply resents W for it.† Went to my mom's the following day. Mom has a walker, COPD, lives with 10 cats 2 dogs, brothers and nieces living in Mom's house which is falling apart. I gave up helping them a few years ago, because they need to help themselves. they have made so many poor choices in life and refused to change or get rid of the house, so I stopped partaking in their drama. Place is disgusting, Younger brother did all he could, but yard and house were a mess, it took him 2.5 hrs to make burgers from startup time. It rained and I couldn't take my S1 in the house. I feel like I have no support system whatsoever.† I love my family and they are emotionally there for me but they are dysfunctional nonetheless.† when I came home from work travel wife employed people to finish my projects around the house since I'm not home and she hired someone to clean up the yard.† she already has secured a storage unit that has had people move all of her stuff out of the house.† I hate the fact that the W is selling out the house from under me, because I can't afford to buy her out. My life has no joy in it other than my S1, and I don't even know how im going to create a better life, place, environment, upbringing for him by myself,† when I still have to figure out what I'm going to live or how I'm going to take care of myself. Trial by fire I suppose? I have 2 friends which I can't make time for, barely have time to GAL. On A good note,† I got together with an old co-worker I may be forming a band as me as the lead singer. I may have a coffee date for this weekend but I don't know if I want to go through with it. I don't think I'm ready. Plus I don't have my own place yet. I hear what you are saying about the memories of W and all the one of the things they did for us and wonderful memories.† Because the denial and the acceptance part of it still has us wondering how someone that we put all of our hope love and trust can betray us like this?

Just when we think we're good for a couple of weeks we wind up initiating R talks again, and losing our emotional stability from things that creep up there unresolved. I've done it practically every other weekend, even though I don't want to because I have no other outlets. I can't go to therapy while I'm away for work I know all the GAL stuff is just filler. It feels like filler and we know it.† But it helps.† it [censored] being in this hell losing the person you love losing your home not knowing where you're going to live.† Having no support system no one to talk to and no time to even take for yourself other than work work work and pay bills, fix things, fix broken car, and read until I pass out. I'm actually getting to the point where I wanted to try to remain emotionally stable when I do have my weekends off I try and to stay out of the house, go for a hike or nature walk go somewhere anywhere,† but as a result, my responsibilities are getting neglected. Everything is going wrong in my life, with no relief or support system or enjoyment of it. Its like having no direction or purpose other than to be miserable, work, and pay bills, and get through this out the other side, into our own.

Just when you thought you have it bad, remember, someone else always has it worse.

Listen to what R2C has to say about being present. Those little moments are what is going to keep you present, sane, and moving forward. These are long grueling situations we are in, but have to keep moving forward. If not for us, then for our kids. Sandi is right. We have to take care of ourselves first. If we fail, the whole thing around us, people who depend on us falls.
Posted By: Destroyd Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/30/19 11:28 AM
Wolfman and IHCLACS, I am suffering just like you two. If there is anything I have learned going through this, it is how much people are suffering. Next to a child's death, I think divorce is the worst thing in life to go through. The pain, depression, guilt and uncertainty is unbearable. I will pray for you, please pray that for me. I pray 50-100 times a day that God will open up my wife's heart to my love and give me the wisdom and discipline to win her back.I also pray that I can start to feel God's love. I so want to feel his arms wrapped around me, comforting me as I go through this hell on earth.
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/30/19 12:05 PM
I will say it hurts me to see all of you going through this too. IH and Destroyd I will pray for you. I pray everyday the same exact thing, that my w will eventually see how great our m was. That yes we had arguments, yes things were not perfect at times, but what m is? She is so focused on the few negative things and not the million good things.
Neffer, Joejoe, R2C, and Sandi, thank you for your words of wisdom. I am trying so hard to make it from one hour to the next. I know we have been over this so I apologize for repeating myself, I will never understand how she is so focused on the few negative and not all the positive? I guess thatís what separates my w from me. I understand that there are ups and downs, nothing is ever perfect. Yet, she thinks I was suppose to be absolutely perfect. Itís so sad. I know if we donít get back together, I will find someone with the same values or at least I hope. Good luck to my w if she thinks she is going to find the ďperfectĒ man.
Yesterday just goes to show where her head is at. Yesterday is my day with the kids. I pick them up from school I play with them at the house for about an hour and half then take them to dinner and to gymnastics. I do this every Wednesday. When she first got home I was playing with my s. She asked me if i was taking them anywhere. I said no, but I will be taking them to dinner then gymnastics. She said this is not fair that this is suppose to be her free day and we are in the house. I said I understand you are frustrated but I canít take them out all the time itís costing me a lot of money. I said Iím still taking them to dinner in about an hour. She then has the nerve, then shouldnít you get an apartment? I said sure, if you would like to pay for it. She said so we are going to do this for the next year? I said until you buy me out. She doesnít want to refinance because she will have a higher rate and have to pay closing costs. When we are officially d she can just assume the loan. Thatís what she wants to do. Then she said maybe I will just sell the house (I guess that was suppose to be a threat to me). I said thatís fine. I guess she wasnít expecting me to say that. Then she said I knew that what you wanted me to do. You are looking to screw me. I said I can see how everything is always my fault. I then chuckled a little. Just tired, when she doesnít get her way she is like a child throwing a fit. Trying to get her way. Then later on I noticed she had a brand new designer bag. It costs $250. Then she says we have to pay for camp for the kids. I said sure, she said I just canít pay it yet, she doesnít have the money. I wanted to laugh. She has the nerve to say that while she has a brand new designer bag. I will post more in a few. There was more have to go to work.
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/30/19 12:44 PM
Iím back. She then said everything is costing her too much. That she had to pay $400 because there was a rat in the backyard so she had to get an exterminator. Then she had to pay $600 to have the backyard cleaned up. I use to take care of the yard and make sure it was pristine. Now she has to pay someone for it. She makes it a point to constantly pay for these things. Like I am suppose to feel bad for her, I donít. Welcome to responsibility!! I did everything and she has to do these things and holds me responsible, but Iím not taking it personally part of me detaching. I use to feel bad not anymore. She left to meet up with her parents for dinner. I took the kids to dinner then gymnastics. After I took them home where my inlaws came back to the house too. I was so set up. While I was sitting in the den watching my son play video games I was talking to my father in law. He says, can you help me put the filter together for your pool? I donít know how to put your filter together. My w knows if she asks I would have said no, but her dad has done so much for us through the years how could I say no to him. So set up!!! Then later on I see my mother in law cleaning the kitchen counters, unloading and loading the dishwasher, cleaning the stove. Then she came In with new towels for the bathroom. This is one of the biggest problems that reconcile will never happen. Her parents enable her. They are giving her the money to buy me out, they buy her stuff for the house, money for the lawyer, cleaning the house for her, Iím assuming her father will then take care of the pool too. She will never learn. Her sense of entitlement is disgusting!! It makes me see at times, why would I want to go back? I want a partner that is 50/50. Not 90/10. Yet it still hurts going through this d. I know I deserve better. I guess for me and many others the idea of starting over scares me. The idea of how much I put into this m and still end up here drives me nuts!!! I am scared that one day I will put myself out there again, fall in love and this happens all over again. I know I canít let fear drive me.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/30/19 01:43 PM
Iíll say it again W, you are her husband not her servant. If she wants to reconcile it canít be because you know how to change the filter on the pool or exterminate rats.

I promise you D is not as bad as you envision it.

You have to get stronger and stop placing your value on what you can do for others.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/30/19 02:27 PM
Wolfman, brighter days are ahead. I would start being unavailable to her "complaining" about the cost of things. I think she is setting you up for cake-eating. "Hey there is another rat in the yard and I can't afford to pay someone. Could you please come take care of it for me?" Don't fall for that crap. Remember, she fired you!

Onward and upward!
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/30/19 03:36 PM
LH trust me I donít want to be her servant. She already knows I am not going to help her. She is on her own. I only want her back if she loves me again. Not because I help her with things.
Steve trust me I am not buying what she is selling. I just listen and be nice and validate. That doesnít mean I am going to help her. Especially financially. She can go to her parents for that. They have a lot of money and will continue to enable her. Obviously I canít and wonít control what her parents do for her. They are doing their d such a disservice.its their d and I get it but they are making our situation worse. My w doesnít understand consequences to her actions.

Itís funny I have been reading about Didís situation. I feel like that is me. Except for me paying for her rent. How he misses his family, the loneliness. Itís like us LBH have the same script too. Iím not done reading about his situation so I donít know if things worked out. Itís just this internal struggle. Trying to do what is told on here vs what we feel. I do t know if my w will ever go back to who she was. I just miss the ďoldĒ her and our family. Family dinners, vacations, movie time and we use to do family game night. I miss my family. I wish she would miss it enough to want to fix it.

LH I am sure d is not as bad as I think it will be. Dating going out and having fun. I get all of that. I did that when I was in college. I lived my life and had my fun. When I got married it was because I found the ďrightĒ person and didnít want to do that anymore. I have been going out and meeting women. Itís a great ego boost but it feels ďweirdĒ for a lack of better words. I guess this is my new reality and just take it one day at a time.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/30/19 03:54 PM
Did was the best example I've seen here of Nice Guy Syndrome. Oh my did he have a huge case of it. Unfortunately, I am not sure if he dealt with it properly. He hasn't posted in a long time, but he is either still struggling to NICE his STBxW back, or he is making the same mistakes that will lead him there again with someone new. But his case study can teach us sooooooo much.

Hang in their Wolf. You will overcome!
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/30/19 04:16 PM
Last night before I was leaving I went to say goodbye to my w in the kitchen she was eating chunks of cream cheese. I said what are you doing? You are just eating cream cheese straight? She said yeah I love cream cheese, I can eat a whole bar straight. I said I never see you do that all he years we have been together. She said yeah this is something I use to do as a kid. I know you all are going to think I am crazy, but in MLC it talks about going back to their youth. Wanting to relive it. It made me think thatís where her mindset is, back to being a teenager. Again we have been together since she was 21 never have I seen her do that. Truly makes me believe she is in full MLC. I think LH SAID It a while back then I have 2-5 years before she ďcomesĒ back if she ever does. Scary and sad.

Steve I hope to learn from did, because I feel like I made a lot of the same mistakes. The other thing, man my w is good at either hiding her emotions or she really doesnít care anymore about us. Again I know we covered it, just amazing how she went from his lovey dovey woman to ice in her veins!!!
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/30/19 04:18 PM
Wolf, a couple of things-

Consider going to the doc for your depression and getting on A/D's. Depression doesn't usually go away on its own, you may need medication before it gets better. I went on A/D's for a couple of months and it made a huge difference. After being on them a few weeks the depression lifted and I felt like my old pre-BD self for the first time.

Consider hanging out with the kids somewhere else. Your W doesn't want you there and it's just resulting in a lot of negative interactions. I understand you can't afford to take them out somewhere that costs money but surely there's a local park you can take them to to hang out before their class. Your grand total time in the house should be just long enough to pick them up and drop them off. If you've decided you're not moving back then keep your time there to an absolute minimum.
Posted By: IHCLACS Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/30/19 10:59 PM
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Iím back. She then said everything is costing her too much. That she had to pay $400 because there was a rat in the backyard so she had to get an exterminator. Then she had to pay $600 to have the backyard cleaned up. I use to take care of the yard and make sure it was pristine. Now she has to pay someone for it. She makes it a point to constantly pay for these things. Like I am suppose to feel bad for her, I donít. Welcome to responsibility!! I did everything and she has to do these things and holds me responsible, but Iím not taking it personally part of me detaching. I use to feel bad not anymore. She left to meet up with her parents for dinner. I took the kids to dinner then gymnastics. After I took them home where my inlaws came back to the house too. I was so set up. While I was sitting in the den watching my son play video games I was talking to my father in law. He says, can you help me put the filter together for your pool? I donít know how to put your filter together. My w knows if she asks I would have said no, but her dad has done so much for us through the years how could I say no to him. So set up!!! Then later on I see my mother in law cleaning the kitchen counters, unloading and loading the dishwasher, cleaning the stove. Then she came In with new towels for the bathroom. This is one of the biggest problems that reconcile will never happen. Her parents enable her. They are giving her the money to buy me out, they buy her stuff for the house, money for the lawyer, cleaning the house for her, Iím assuming her father will then take care of the pool too. She will never learn. Her sense of entitlement is disgusting!! It makes me see at times, why would I want to go back? I want a partner that is 50/50. Not 90/10. Yet it still hurts going through this d. I know I deserve better. I guess for me and many others the idea of starting over scares me. The idea of how much I put into this m and still end up here drives me nuts!!! I am scared that one day I will put myself out there again, fall in love and this happens all over again. I know I canít let fear drive me.



Funny you mention this Wolf. W hired handyman to wrap up my unfinished projects, and hired people to clean yard out while I was away for work. Came home last Friday and saw the yard, and my pallet planter projects and pallet woodshed gone. I didn't say a thing. She hired more people to box and carry her stuff to her storage unit. The kicker is my MIL who watches our S1 who is also slated to have a hysterectomy next week due to uterine cancer, is giving W money for all expenses. My pool is black. I can clear it in 3 weeks or less, but I'm tempted to say F@$! It. Let her deal with it, She's selling the house and fired me as her H.
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/31/19 01:29 PM
Steve I am trying to hang in there. I hope I can have the end result like you. I know my w is in a thick ďfogĒ. I will just keep doing what is advised and hopefully I will come out of this, with or without w.

AS that is the scary thing I am on 2 A/D. Yet there are still days that I am so down. I will take your advice about not being there that much. I did that yesterday. Usually I play with the kids at the house until they go to dance which is at 5:30. This time I waited till she got home and left.

IH let her deal with the pool. I agree with you about her firing you as her husband. Thatís why I donít help my w with anything around the house.

Yet here is the thing. Lately she has been coming home and telling me about her day. I am
Cordial when she gets home and say hi, how are you? In the past it was just a hi and good. Now I am getting details about her day. I listen, make eye contact and validate. No expectations but she is feeling comfortable with me, just hope itís not a friend zone thing. I know no pursuit but do I try and flirt too? I donít want to be in the friend zone.
The other thing is the problem we are having with my d. She has become so defiant to both of us itís disgusting and she is only 11. We are both on the same page about dealing with her but it puts so much added stress on our ďrelationship ď. Again I said it before, I really believe this is one of the big issues why my w wants divorce. So that half the time she doesnít have the kids so she can be free.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/31/19 01:43 PM
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Steve I am trying to hang in there. I hope I can have the end result like you. I know my w is in a thick ďfogĒ. I will just keep doing what is advised and hopefully I will come out of this, with or without w.

AS that is the scary thing I am on 2 A/D. Yet there are still days that I am so down. I will take your advice about not being there that much. I did that yesterday. Usually I play with the kids at the house until they go to dance which is at 5:30. This time I waited till she got home and left.

IH let her deal with the pool. I agree with you about her firing you as her husband. Thatís why I donít help my w with anything around the house.

Yet here is the thing. Lately she has been coming home and telling me about her day. I am
Cordial when she gets home and say hi, how are you? In the past it was just a hi and good. Now I am getting details about her day. I listen, make eye contact and validate. No expectations but she is feeling comfortable with me, just hope itís not a friend zone thing. I know no pursuit but do I try and flirt too? I donít want to be in the friend zone.
The other thing is the problem we are having with my d. She has become so defiant to both of us itís disgusting and she is only 11. We are both on the same page about dealing with her but it puts so much added stress on our ďrelationship ď. Again I said it before, I really believe this is one of the big issues why my w wants divorce. So that half the time she doesnít have the kids so she can be free.


Wow, it sounds a lot like my sitch. Right down to the defiant D! Just keep on DBing man. Her being more open to you is a good sign, no doubt about it. Just keep listening and validating. Become the man only a fool would leave. But make her do her work and deal with the consequence of her decision. DO not rescue her!
Posted By: Wolfman Re: Midlife wife crisis6 - 05/31/19 04:37 PM
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2851255&#Post2851255

Here is the new thread.

Steve since it is very similar, Iíll keep doing what I am doing. Anything else I should look for? Definitely not getting my hopes up. Do I flirt with her or not? Or just keep the path?
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