I am really struggling with this. I know I need to get a life, but I don't really know how to do this. I work long hours, my wife and I still cook together after work, and I tuck the kids into bed at night. All of which I want to do, because damnit, I love my family. But I read here that I need to detach and get a life.
Since having kids, I have always struggled with getting a life. I feel guilty working all day and then not seeing them in the evenings. How did you GAL? What activities are you engaged in?
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Im new to all this DB stuff but.
Number 1: Exercise. Lifting first, then cardio. Or just do Crossfit since its social. This will make you hot. I am stoked to work out every time knowing that if it comes to it I can hit Tinder with a vengeance. I have tons of friends from outdoor fitness stuff like cycling canoeing and hiking. Like I cant see all of them enough. I can completely disappear from my WW for any amount of time. These same friends provide social network for beers and stuff.
Number 2: Family. Obvious here, luckily I can see mine still.
Number 3: Learning. This overlaps with work for me though.
Number 4: Volunteer
Sh, what time do your kids go to bed?
Did your W ask for space? Maybe doing something with the kids while she cooks might give her space.
You didn't give a lot of details about your sitch, none actually. What happened on BD? What did she say? What has she been doing? Does she want separation? D? Both?
GAL is more about staying busy. Working long hours might already fit the majority of that bill for you. But we need more details to help you out.
Steve85,
1. My wife did not ask for space. Although she has complained at our last MC session that I am needy. That I need too much love from her and the kids. At our first MC session she said that I showed that I didn't love her because I didn't want to talk to her when I first got home from work while she cooked dinner. So, I have been cooking dinner with her most nights since.
2. Here is my back story - In January, I heard the ILYBIANILWY from my wife. I have been distraught and feeling hopeless ever since. I cry almost every day, and I am having trouble thinking about anything other than saving my marriage. I have just bought The Divorce Remedy and I am 58 pages into it. I will read the whole thing over the next day or two.
My wife and I have been married for over 21 years, and we have three children (16), (14) and (6). I have given everything I have to this family and now a facing complete and utter ruin to everything that is important to me. Never in a million years did I ever think I would be facing a divorce. I despise divorce. I adore my wife and my three children.
I think that my wife is both a walkaway wife and experiencing a MLC. Over the last three years she has become obsessive about her relationship with our daughter (16). My wife has had a very bad relationship with her own mother (a narcissist) who always invalidated my wife's feelings. Now my wife is talking as if I am her mother.
3. For GAL - I have been coming home from work, making dinner with my wife, having family dinner, and then I have been exercising. I have lost about 30 pounds since January.
Thank you for your support.
I lost 100lbs, started going out with friends and family. Completely stopped letting WW know what I was up to. Got more involved in my hobbies. Got more involved with my kids. Started traveling more and doing more activities. Started going to dance clubs. Started staying out late and pretty much doing everything that made me happy. Finaly, in my personal sitch I met another woman 13 years my junior and spend time with her. But thats my personal choice because my WWs PA and NPD behavior is a dealbreaker.
Sh74,
For me personally I am also doing the exercise thing. Being good to my body; physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. I try to spend as much time reading things, quiet time (either in prayer, journaling or walks outdoors) as I do working out. Both have amazing effects on sadness, depression, processing.
At the end of the day, you've got you (and your kids). I'm only saying this because I have glimpses of it which I never did before: Your life isn't over no matter what happens going forward. This time you've got is an incredible opportunity to do some self-inventory, pick yourself up and start setting some short term and long term goals for yourself.
Maybe its a promotion, maybe a max weight lifted, maybe a new hobby, but above all confidence that you're going to be ok and you WILL figure it out.
Grieving is going to happen. I am finally getting to the place that I realize my old marriage is over. There were things I did to get it here and my wife did as well. This is a lot to swallow but it's the reality.
Keep breathing, keep thinking of ways to improve yourself - and what MIGHT be a byproduct is your wife will notice, she will remember the confident, fun, positive you that she fell in love with and MIGHT get her feelings back. But there is not a guarantee of that.
Great thing is you have a 100% guarantee of seeing fruit from investing in yourself.
I started seeing my friends and being open with them, and taking special interest in what was going on in their lives. This was a 180 because the only person I'd let myself be honest and vulnerable with in the past was my H. I needed the support at a difficult time, yes, but I also need more close relationships than my M.
I got a dog!
I started making plans at the weekends to get out with the kids. One activity all together, and some special individual time with each. It needn't cost money. We've had some great adventures and sometimes I had to force myself to do it, but these days I am really enjoying it.
I took on some extra personal projects to do with my hobbies - things I could do in the house when the kids were otherwise occupied or asleep.
1. She may not have come out and ask for space, but ILYBNILWY is the same thing. You are showing some serious codependency issues (IE needy). You need to back way off and give her plenty of space. Women lose attraction for men that do not respect. Being needy is not worthy of respect. You need to turn this on its head and become the type of man that COMMANDS respect. (Notice that is not the same as DEMANDING respect.) You said you've been distraught. Hopeless. Crying every day. You've probably begged, pleaded, reasoned, etc to and with her to get her to change. None of that COMMANDS respect.
2. We all love our wives and family. However, it is UNHEALTHY to look to others for our own happiness. Yes we can enjoy our relationships with our wives and families. We should even derived happiness from them. But this is an imperfect world. People die. They lose their minds. They make choices that do not include us. Did you ever see the movie Reign Over Me? About a man that lost his entire family on 9/11? Traumatic. Terrible. But you have to be able to move forward NO MATTER WHAT.
3. This is not enough. And this is why you are so distraught, crying, hopeless. Who is SH74? What did he enjoy prior to meeting his W and had his children? Can that guy get back to some of that? It sounds like he lost his own identity. He is (SHOULD BE) more than an employee, husband and father. Are you religious at all? How involved in church are you? Who are your close friends? Do you guys spend time together.
I love my W. I love my D. But at least twice a month I go with a buddy to the gun range. I have other friends I spend time with. In the fall I am gone two weekends a month hunting. Guess what, my W does things that don't include me. My D does things that don't include her mother and me. Healthy people make healthy relationships. And healthy people are not too attached to anyone else.
Honestly, I think GAL starts with the little things, making my bed every morning, cooking proper meals even though that meal is for one, maintaining a beautiful home environment. These things I do for me because, really, who cares apart from me that I make my bed, or buy myself flowers, or spend half an hour cooking something only I will enjoy. Self disciple teaches self respect.
Also, everything is better after eating a meal you've just made from scratch at a table you've beautifully set for one.
There are the big things too: going to the gym, fostering friendships, going out for social drinks, planning and then going on bucket list holidays. This forced me to face my fears - being alone, being rejected - and then I crushed them.
At first everything will feel forced. Why make a bed when all you really want to do is get back in it, pull the covers over your head and feel sorry for yourself. Why go out when all you want to do is get in bed, pull the covers over your head and feel sorry for yourself. But eventually it pays off. You will find yourself out dancing at 4 am and wonder why you hadn't done it sooner. You will find yourself skiing down a mountain with a bunch of strangers or walking through a bizarre in Morocco on your own and wonder why you didn't do it sooner.
As Steve said think back to before you met your spouse. Who were you. What did you enjoy. Write it down. You are not the same person you were then, but some of the things you had a passion for you will still have a passion for. Also, think hard about who want to be (and that question stands whether you R or not) and work towards turning yourself into that person.
I’ve been thinking about my sitch, and especially about how my MR and life in SoCal has been.....
I have my family and friends from where I grew up / went to grad school in OH, but I’ve had to let a lot go, and with the move to SoCal and my focus on a new career in teaching, I really didn’t dedicate myself to finding or making new friends out here. Which kinda [bleep]s—but one of the blessings now is that I can reconnect with old friends and meet new people, which I am looking forward to.
I heard this song last week, when I was moving my car between parking lots at school when I stayed late to do videoboard for a baseball game. I’m not exactly a country music type of guy, but this song (lyrics below) totally made me think of the self-differentiation and GAL that the forum talks about.
Miss Me More (Kelsea Ballerini)
I retired my red lipstick 'cause you said you didn't like it
I didn't wear my high heel shoes
'Cause I couldn't be taller than you
I didn't wanna lose my friends, but now it's hard to even find them
It's what you wanted, ain't it?
It's what you wanted
I thought I'd miss you (when it ended)
I thought it hurt me (but it didn't)
I thought I'd miss you
I thought I'd miss you
But I miss me more
I miss my own beat, to my own snare drum
I miss me more
Miss my own sheets in the bed I made up
I forgot I had dreams, I forgot I had wings
Forgot who I was before I ever kissed you
Yeah, I thought I'd miss you
But I miss me more (I miss me more)
I put on my old records that I hid in the back of the closet
And I turn them up to ten
And then I played them all again
I found my independence
Can't believe I ever lost it
What you wanted, ain't it?
It's what you wanted
I thought I'd miss you (when it ended)
I thought it hurt me (but it didn't)
I thought I'd miss you
Yeah, I thought I'd miss you
But I miss me more
I miss my own beat, to my own snare drum
(I miss me more)
Miss my own sheets in the bed I made up
I forgot I had dreams, I forgot I had wings
Forgot who I was before I ever kissed you
Yeah, I thought I'd miss you
But I miss me more (I miss me more)
I thought I'd miss you
I thought it hurt me
And I'd wanna kiss you
I thought I'd miss you
But I miss me more
I miss my own beat, to my own snare drum
(I miss me more)
Miss my own sheets in the bed I made up
I forgot I had dreams, I forgot I had wings
Forgot who I was before I ever kissed you
And I thought I'd miss you
But I miss me more
(I miss me more)
(I miss me more)
(I miss me more)
It sounds like GAL'ing and detaching might actually help you in your sitch (needy). Show your wife that you can give her the space she needs. GAL'ing for me centers around a few things:
1) Making my bed every day.
2) Trying to cook as much as possible when I'm by myself--instead of going out to eat.
3) Exercising.
4) Calling at least one friend or family member every day.
5) Meeting up with friends/family members more often.
6) Planning and going on more vacations.
Song sounds exactly like my WAW. I kind of understand how one could lose their identity in a co dependant relationship or marriage. I wish more women could explain to me how this happens over time though through their eyes, their perspective, and their experience?...Is it because they go through so many years, and so much trouble of wanting to be liked, wanting to be seen, wanting to be loved for who they are, that they sacrifice themselves to the point where they go numb and lose their identity?
Concerts, Hiking, Photography, Fishing, Hunting, Bike Rides,Dinners Out alone, Movies, Gardening, Target practice, Motorcycle rides, Dancing,Walks,Dog Park,Bowling,Escape Rooms,Shopping,Sunsets, Sunrises,Visit friends out of town,Pool, Darts....
IronWill,
What are you doing to work on yourself? I am exercising, being a better husband, and trying to become a better Christian. But I am really struggling with this one. I really like being home with my family (including my wife).
Sh, I brought this over from IronWill's thread to no hijack it.
So what are you struggling with? None of the things you've listed are mutually exclusive. Taking an hour or two to exercise doesn't prevent you from being home Nor does being a better husband or Christian.
Is it GAL in general? If so, you don't have to be out running around 24x7 to GAL. It just means that you have other things you are doing. Making sure you spend time with your kids should always supersede GAL. The biggest piece of GAL is to prevent you from smothering your WAS, following them around like a puppy dog, or sitting idle and stewing in your sitch.
Staying busy can include being home. Some of things I do to keep busy:
- Housework. W handles most things but there is always dusting, vacuuming, cleaning (windows anyone?) that can be done!
- Yardwork. Another one that is rarely "done".
- Cleaning the vehicles. Always a chance to vacuum, clean the windows, and detail the interior.
- Cleaning my guns. I go to the range at least twice a month. Always a gun or two that needs to be cleaned. And it is always good to clean guns that have just been in the safe for a while.
- Organizing a room or an area. Not sure about most of you but parts of my basement could always use a good organization!
- Reading books. Never stop the self learning!
- Will be opening the pool. That thing requires lots of maintenance!
My parents just hit 51 years of marriage. Looking back I think their marriage was successful, despite many mistakes by both of them, because my dad was ALWAYS busy. He was never sitting doing nothing when I was growing up.
Steve 85. Your list of "to do's" are literally and exactly what I did before BD which made W feel she was being ignored, and I was "just off doing my own thing" while W wanted to just either sit and watch reality tv, get out with people, or road trip on a whim taking little responsibility for house maintenance on her end. It was always a struggle and a balancing act in completing things for me not only because of her social schedule but because I was doing most of the work, plus working and traveling. On my end, in all fairness, stiff would get backed up around the house because of work travel, or being too exhausted, or getting up too early and home too late. Then when I would take time to go to the range for myself every now and again, or tactical train, that was viewed as me being selfish not helping her enough. I miss going to the range. Haven't been there in a year. All this division of labor, and seperatism, and my demanding nature that W do her share, but me not completing mine is what mostly lead to the downfall. Loved cleaning my guns more than I did shooting them. Used to clean them once a month. I've transferred them else where since BD, "just in case", but W still retains pistol I got her that she has never fired. I was trying to get her for the range for 3 years for some safety and proficiency training. But she would never do it with me, or commit. Ironically now she's thinking about going there with Brothers ex-girlfriend who is now divorced some different guy. it's really strange all the things I want to do in the places I wanted to go 6 months to 5 years ago. Like growing crops homesteading living rural, being a minimalist, etc. Is all the things that the wife wants to do now away from me. All these things was never interested in before. My younger brother said it's not that she didn't want to do these things, she just didn't want to do them with you. My pool is black right now.m lol.. But ill get it clear. Have perfected that,
It used to be that whenever we said "you need to GAL" the response was almost always "but I don't like to go to bars". Talk about misunderstanding what GAL means! Here are some of the things I did to GAL:
Reached out to old friends, some that I hadn't talked to in decades. Made lunch and dinner dates with them.
Restarted several old hobbies I hadn't dabbled in for a while- building model cars, building remote controlled planes (that eventually morphed into designing some planes which are still being sold today), working on motorcycles.
Remodeled my backyard/ pool area into a tiki retreat.
Took some painting classes.
Took a class in glass fusing.
Started sculpting in clay.
Joined a gym and got back into working out, which led to making some new friends.
Started dressing better.
Started doing more with my kids- going to parks, movies, shopping, etc.
Volunteered with Habitat for Humanity.
Started long motorcycle rides with a group of neighbors.
25 hasn't posted here in a while but she was a master of GALing. Here is a post she made about it some time ago when someone else asked this same question:
For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter. And I had 3 kids including a baby.
Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL. And imo, we cannot detach without GAL.
I believe the more you overcome inertia, and feel detachment, an ironic by product will be better R's with all people, including your w.
All of these upped my self esteem.
Okay so I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.
I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).
I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).
*I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too.
*Rehearsing one night, I realized it had been hours without me thinking about H or our m, or doing any obsessing, & that was huge. Even more importantly, I learned to be IN the moment. When you do live theater, You cannot waste time regretting a missed cue earlier, and you have to think on your feet and ad lib and not think about the next act or anticipate things. There is only "now" and you make the best of that moment.
It's a wonderful important experience, and lesson for life I think.
*I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv. It went very well and again, you are in the moment and reacting to the audience, so you perform and listen. And the more you learn to laugh at things that would otherwise make you uncomfortable, the smoother a lot of life becomes.
You have probably heard that the line between tragedy and comedy is a fine one, and it's true.
I learned to cross country ski, became a better downhill skier.
I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at shooting. Learned some patience too, and respect nature more.
I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans)
I loved riding it. Jetskiing is great if you are near water in a warm place.
Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license. Ground school for flying challenged a different part of my brain, as did learning to fly. Jim - I know you have the height issue/fear, but thing is, flying a plane isn't like peering over the edge of a bridge. Know what I mean?
And I edited a hunting book for a hunting guide/friend up there. The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?
I worked out 3-4 times a week, and got in excellent shape. As you know, Looking good makes a world of difference to us. Found a (female) work out partner and began socializing after the work outs. As you mention, the endorphin affect matters.
I was trying to lose the baby weight and It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark cold Long winters. Totally worth the efforts. In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me feel more energized, and it probably helped my appearance, which also helps me feel better.
I saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.
Took a pottery class (very different and unlike me to do, but my friend needed a pottery partner and I'm glad I went. I liked it a lot & took another class last winter.
Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of active duty.
I Wish I had joined sooner. I met two women who got me thru a dark time and are life long friends to this day.
Joined a writer's group
Took a class in Conversational French
Took a class in Italian cooking
There is more, but these are all things you can do that do not cost a lot. Other than pilot training/skydiving, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.
If you like music, check that out.
Good luck.
3. For GAL - I have been coming home from work, making dinner with my wife, having family dinner, and then I have been exercising. I have lost about 30 pounds since January.
Making dinner with your wife and having family dinner is NOT what GAL means. GAL is "GET OUT and get a life" meaning OUTSIDE of your marriage. When your marriage is in trouble to the point that you've been BD'd, then your spouse is in major need of time and space. You can't give them that if you are there all the time. If your wife is part of the activity then it's not "GAL". It is in fact the opposite of GAL.
Steve 85. Your list of "to do's" are literally and exactly what I did before BD which made W feel she was being ignored, and I was "just off doing my own thing" while W wanted to just either sit and watch reality tv, get out with people, or road trip on a whim taking little responsibility for house maintenance on her end. It was always a struggle and a balancing act in completing things for me not only because of her social schedule but because I was doing most of the work, plus working and traveling. On my end, in all fairness, stiff would get backed up around the house because of work travel, or being too exhausted, or getting up too early and home too late. Then when I would take time to go to the range for myself every now and again, or tactical train, that was viewed as me being selfish not helping her enough. I miss going to the range. Haven't been there in a year. All this division of labor, and seperatism, and my demanding nature that W do her share, but me not completing mine is what mostly lead to the downfall. Loved cleaning my guns more than I did shooting them. Used to clean them once a month. I've transferred them else where since BD, "just in case", but W still retains pistol I got her that she has never fired. I was trying to get her for the range for 3 years for some safety and proficiency training. But she would never do it with me, or commit. Ironically now she's thinking about going there with Brothers ex-girlfriend who is now divorced some different guy. it's really strange all the things I want to do in the places I wanted to go 6 months to 5 years ago. Like growing crops homesteading living rural, being a minimalist, etc. Is all the things that the wife wants to do now away from me. All these things was never interested in before. My younger brother said it's not that she didn't want to do these things, she just didn't want to do them with you. My pool is black right now.m lol.. But ill get it clear. Have perfected that,
IHC, this is a typical problem that LBSs have. "She said X, Y, and Z........because of what I did prior to BD." And they think a 180 is to to things different after BD.
This is really 2 mistakes: 1) You are believing what she says. 2) You think that the complaints on BD are things you should immediately 180 on.
Obviously, 1 is always wrong. Believe nothing they say. 2 is just a bad idea.
For instance, a WAS says to their LBS, "ILYBNILWY, need space, and my biggest complaint is lack of sex." So that night the LBS says "I guess I should 180 on the lack of sex" and tries to initiate. How do you think that would go?
The mistake LBSs often make is thinking they can fix things by doing things they should have done pre BD, or not doing things they shouldn't do pre-BD, It is kind of like a car and routine maintenance. Doing the routine maintenance like changing the oil will keep the car running well. However, if you neglect the maintenance, and don't do the oil changes, once the engine seizes up changing the oil would be a waste of time.
SO IHC, (and for Sh74), you stay busy to give her time and space, regardless of what her complaints were pre-BD. After BD, trying to spend time with her is the wrong approach, no matter what her pre-BD complaints were.
Same thing happened in my sitch. I had isolated myself. We were ships passing in the night in the house. After BD, I talked her into MC. MC had us do Love Languages. Her main one was Words of Affirmation. Second was Quality Time. She verbally rebelled against that. "I do NOT want to spend quality time with you." Pre-BD spending QT would have been a perfect "oil change" for our MR. After BD the engine was seized and oil changes became superfluous.
IH... Really great advice here. I think you are in a really crucial point in your R and what you do now is going to set the stage for what is to come. I think you can be there for your family but also find ways to GAL. You don’t need to be out every night but try to aim for 2 to 3 nights at first. Just get out... give your W space... act as if... make her wonder a bit and be curious about who you are. At this point, she thinks she knows everything there is to know about you. I know you don’t feel like being away from her right now which is exactly why you should be. Force yourself. Find ways to laugh again. Stop focusing on your W and what she is doing. It sounds to me like she has told you where she is at emotionally but hasn’t fully checked out yet. She will if you continue to stay around the house and demonstrate your neediness. That is WAY TOO MUCH pressure. Take the pressure off. Show her, and yourself, that you will be just fine whether she chooses to stay or go. Human beings are complicated but also simple... we always want what we can’t have...or think we can’t. We also aren’t too attracted to a “sure thing”...especially a sure thing that will put up with our bad behaviour. That is where the loss of respect comes in.
Honestly... I forced myself for the longest time to GAL. I had a New Year’s party even though it was the last thing I felt like doing. I said “yes” to every invitation I got to do something with someone else. I went to my staff party when I didn’t want to go. I started exercising more...went on a vacation with my kids and my STBXH H’s mother. My STBXH had an OW and as soon as he admitted it to me, it made GAL that much easier. I had no choice. Also, once I knew for sure that my future is not going to include my STBXH, I decided to start dating. I went on seven first dates with really nice guys who did wonders for my self esteem and also addressed my secret fear that I would not ever be seen as attractive by anyone again. Now I’m dating someone exclusively who may not turn out to be Mr. Right but he has definitely added to my life and I am enjoying being affectionate with him and having that affection returned. That is something that was not happening with my STBXH who had basically been ignoring me for four years. I strongly believe in marriage, loyalty and commitment which is why I put up with him for so long. GAL and detaching enabled me to see, finally, that he is not that same kind of person and probably will never be.
Just do the best you can and focus on you and your kids right now. Let your W do what she needs to do and stop chasing after her. You will be glad you did no matter what the outcome. (((HUGS)))
