New to this - need to talk - 04/13/19 04:21 PM
Hi everyone,
I have currently live with my wife, have 3 kids 7, 11,13.
Early February I found out my wife was having an emotional texting affair. I stopped it right away which my wife was not happy about. I 100% certain it is over. A few days later she dropped the I love you but im not in love with you. A couple of weeks of devastating converstions and me research MLC. She says she has no romantic love for me, doesn't know what she wants, wants a new life to see what's out there, doesn't want to be attached to a husband etc. Says she has no passion, no intimate feeling for me. Claims that this has been for a few years. I did not see this coming, we would have sex once a week, she would tell me she loves me, hold me, tickle etc. etc. She was like this a month or 2 before bomb drop. After the initial chaos we went to marriage counseling, I quickly recognized it was going nowhere. We stopped that and I asked her what she wanted, still I don't know just not this marriage. She would talk about life and mortality and having done everything society / parents told her to do. Husband check, Kids check, job check, house check etc.
Reflecting on the last 3-4 years, I now see signs. Her mom fought cancer and won, but it rattled her. She got 4 tattoos in the past 3 years. The last one being "Do Not Go Gentle" A poem about not succumbing to death. Within the past 3 years, she drank heavily and listened to music on weekend, she went out partying with friends and flirting with boys, she spent ridiculous amounts of money on clothes and ran up a huge credit card debt, working out like crazy and trying to keep her youth as much as possible. My wife turned 40 last September as well but she gets ID all the time. All classic signs of MLC.
I was able to convince her into a therapist. She has gone 3 times in 2 months. I have chosen to go dark and let her go. I rarely text, simple conversations etc. The last month she has been in a dark place, constantly napping, going for runs. She even looked up stuff on depression. She has been obsessed with dark poetry and books about soulmates and passion. Unfortunately the only person she talks to is her friend that is twice divorced. She claims that this friend is in support of family. I don't buy it.
I also convinced my wife to see a dr. The appt is next week.
I thought my wife was coming around and acted happier so I decided to bring up the topic of us. All I got was I don't have desire for you and I want to eventually move out. This would be extremely difficult for my wife to do financially and she also knows the devastating affects on the kids which we both have huge attachment to. My wife told me that I am her best friend, amazing husband, amazing father, good looking etc etc, but she doesn't see her with me.
She admitted to going through a "transition" and that it doesn't mean that the outcome will or should include me. She keeps saying she doesn't have romantic feelings for me "right now" I keep asking if she is open to finding them once she goes through this transition. She says she doesn't think so.
I personally have been devastated, lost 30 pounds 180-150, but I do look amazing physically now. I'm trying hard to rebuild my confidence. We have decided to talk and treat each other like friends while she goes through this.
Obviously I am beyond scared about the outcome. I love my wife family kids etc. I want to save this so badly but she has zero desire to.
I have read everything about MLC and I am trying to figure out where she is at in the stages and what my chances are of reconciliation. I feel like I have a lot going for me in terms of kids, how bad her MLC is, her recognizing what she will lose etc.
If anyone can relate to my story and can give me advice, suggestions, stages etc. It would be much appreciated.
Sincerely
Newbie BPD.
I have currently live with my wife, have 3 kids 7, 11,13.
Early February I found out my wife was having an emotional texting affair. I stopped it right away which my wife was not happy about. I 100% certain it is over. A few days later she dropped the I love you but im not in love with you. A couple of weeks of devastating converstions and me research MLC. She says she has no romantic love for me, doesn't know what she wants, wants a new life to see what's out there, doesn't want to be attached to a husband etc. Says she has no passion, no intimate feeling for me. Claims that this has been for a few years. I did not see this coming, we would have sex once a week, she would tell me she loves me, hold me, tickle etc. etc. She was like this a month or 2 before bomb drop. After the initial chaos we went to marriage counseling, I quickly recognized it was going nowhere. We stopped that and I asked her what she wanted, still I don't know just not this marriage. She would talk about life and mortality and having done everything society / parents told her to do. Husband check, Kids check, job check, house check etc.
Reflecting on the last 3-4 years, I now see signs. Her mom fought cancer and won, but it rattled her. She got 4 tattoos in the past 3 years. The last one being "Do Not Go Gentle" A poem about not succumbing to death. Within the past 3 years, she drank heavily and listened to music on weekend, she went out partying with friends and flirting with boys, she spent ridiculous amounts of money on clothes and ran up a huge credit card debt, working out like crazy and trying to keep her youth as much as possible. My wife turned 40 last September as well but she gets ID all the time. All classic signs of MLC.
I was able to convince her into a therapist. She has gone 3 times in 2 months. I have chosen to go dark and let her go. I rarely text, simple conversations etc. The last month she has been in a dark place, constantly napping, going for runs. She even looked up stuff on depression. She has been obsessed with dark poetry and books about soulmates and passion. Unfortunately the only person she talks to is her friend that is twice divorced. She claims that this friend is in support of family. I don't buy it.
I also convinced my wife to see a dr. The appt is next week.
I thought my wife was coming around and acted happier so I decided to bring up the topic of us. All I got was I don't have desire for you and I want to eventually move out. This would be extremely difficult for my wife to do financially and she also knows the devastating affects on the kids which we both have huge attachment to. My wife told me that I am her best friend, amazing husband, amazing father, good looking etc etc, but she doesn't see her with me.
She admitted to going through a "transition" and that it doesn't mean that the outcome will or should include me. She keeps saying she doesn't have romantic feelings for me "right now" I keep asking if she is open to finding them once she goes through this transition. She says she doesn't think so.
I personally have been devastated, lost 30 pounds 180-150, but I do look amazing physically now. I'm trying hard to rebuild my confidence. We have decided to talk and treat each other like friends while she goes through this.
Obviously I am beyond scared about the outcome. I love my wife family kids etc. I want to save this so badly but she has zero desire to.
I have read everything about MLC and I am trying to figure out where she is at in the stages and what my chances are of reconciliation. I feel like I have a lot going for me in terms of kids, how bad her MLC is, her recognizing what she will lose etc.
If anyone can relate to my story and can give me advice, suggestions, stages etc. It would be much appreciated.
Sincerely
Newbie BPD.