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Why Keep Hope, Part 2 (Here's To A Better Me)I don't really have anything new. Thought I'd start a new thread. I don't get on here much. Too busy living life, but I do come back once in awhile when I need reinforcement. It's interesting being on this side now. I see so many newcomers making the same mistakes that I did. I feel like I did what I could after the first few weeks. It still didn't save my marriage. Quit frankly, the odds are against you by the time you get to BD--especially in non-wayward situations. However, I have saved myself. I'm doing really well. I'm still in limbo because we haven't sold the second house yet. That will clear up, and I'll have a great life with my daughters. GAL, 180, detach. Detaching meant not only no expectations but also no hope for me. It allowed me to move forward. I still haven't been out on a physical date, but I have a few lined up for after my eventual move.
Harvey,
I'm glad to read that you're doing well. I always thought you got an especially tough situation. I hope that second house sells quick. I know you'll find some good women out there, just remember to keep a PMA. Anyways, hang out more, help out the youngins like me some.
Peace!
Harvey,
I'm glad to read that you're doing well. I always thought you got an especially tough situation. I hope that second house sells quick. I know you'll find some good women out there, just remember to keep a PMA. Anyways, hang out more, help out the youngins like me some.
Peace!
I've thought about chiming in. Maybe when I get more time, I will--not that my sitch worked out the way I wanted it. I still like coming here as a reminder of what I should be doing. It also shows me that I'm not alone. Other times, it takes me to a place emotionally that I don't want to go. I want to keep moving forward. I sympathize with those going through it. It's tough. Everybody will make it, but they need to make sure they come through a better person, a better parent, a better mate.
Hi Harvey
I know what you mean. Sometimes reading through the threads brings back memories of who I was back then and I feel the tears well up. But quite often the memories feel like someone else's, memories of things that happened to someone else. I have never been a crier, but now I cry watching TV commercials, reading a poem or simply walking through a park that we used to take the children too. I would make a very actor - I can cry at the drop of a hat.
I like to think that feeling others pain means I am more compassionate. I am becoming a better person.
But sometimes it is too much .
But it is good to hear from you and even better to hear that you are doing well. How are your girls?
If you want to read about dating adventures - read DV's threads. DV has dropped the rope and is now a woman renewed. Still the DV we have come to know, always kind and caring of others, but now, no longer held down by the weight of doubt.
((hug))
FS,
The girls are adjusting well. I'm actually surprised at how easy it seems to be for them thus far.
I've read DV's threads. It's interesting. I'm not sure how excited I am to get back into the dating scene. I realize that new relationships bring their own problems. At this point I'm not sure how much it's worth. I'm concentrating on being Super Dad, my work, my relationships with family and friends. I don't need a relationship to be happy.
You sound like you're doing brilliantly Harvey. I'm glad your girls are adjusting. I know how worried you were. I see my two sometimes and I think it would be easier if their father and I didn't see each other so often. The kids watch for signs - happiness, anger, etc - when they see us together.
Though I am not religious, I have faith it will get better because ultimately my H and I are good parents.
Got plans for any more holidays - hows that bucket list going?
You sound like you're doing brilliantly Harvey. I'm glad your girls are adjusting. I know how worried you were. I see my two sometimes and I think it would be easier if their father and I didn't see each other so often. The kids watch for signs - happiness, anger, etc - when they see us together.
Though I am not religious, I have faith it will get better because ultimately my H and I are good parents.
Got plans for any more holidays - hows that bucket list going?
I know we will co-parent well. Interacting with my XW doesn't even bother me that much anymore. I've been in constant contact with her for the last few days, but it's like water off a duck's back. I think I'm in a good spot. To be honest the more I talk to her, the more I see her flaws. I still think she's a good person, and I would rather still be married, but I'm in a far different place than I was six months ago. I'll be alright. My girls will be alright. There will be some pluses. I no longer have to parent with a perfectionist looking over my shoulder. I'll be in control of my own money and my own happiness.
My situation was weird. I had little chance to save my marriage--yet it allowed me to detach much faster.
I'm living in limbo, but I'm still GAL'ing. I'll be taking the girls to Florida for Spring Break. After I get back, I'll be going to Vegas with a buddy. I also have plans to travel to Germany this summer.
You sound like you could use a vacation yourself.
It's been awhile. I'm pretty much in the same spot. The girls and I had a fantastic time in Pensacola Beach. I had to cancel the Vegas trip due to the death of a family friend. Work has been ultra stressful--with a lot of change going on. I'm splitting my time between being with the girls and living with my cousin and her husband. They are great people and I enjoy them, but life is a lot less structured. It's hard to get used to it.
The first house closed on 4/5. We may have a contingent offer on the second house. Getting that sold would be a big stress relief.
On the OLD front, things are going pretty well. I met up with one of the girls the weekend of the funeral--which happened to be in the same town as I'm moving to this summer. She's really into me. Her husband just up and left her and their teenage daughter and moved across country. He doesn't see the daughter at all. She would be of the rebound type. There's a lot going on there.
I'm really interested in going on a date with the girl that I've been talking to for awhile. She seems like my type and she seems to have her stuff together. Her ex-husband was a real piece of work also. He only sees their two boys a couple of days/week and not overnight, and I don't think it's because she or the justice system screwed him over. She would actually like for him to hang out with their boys more.
I don't know much about the third girl. We haven't really gotten very deep in our conversations--which has all been via messaging on the OLD site. I know that's a big no no around here.
The more I talk to these women about their ex-husbands, the better I feel about myself.
As far as XW, we are very cordial with each other. As much as I've moved on, it would probably be hard for me to ever rule out reconciliation (if that was even in the cards). I'm pretty well detached from her, but I still think about it at times. That's probably the toughest thing to balance at this point. I've actually turned it into a game. I try to be attractive to her, and sort of think of her as a fourth woman that I'm trying to court--in case she finds out the grass isn't greener and I haven't completely moved on.
I had a great time with the girls. D13 took third all around at regionals. I'm proud of how hard she works. D9 and I enjoyed watching the NFL Draft. The interactions with XW were a little awkward at times. I had to stand up for myself when XW implied that I had to run plans with my daughters by her. We came to an understanding, I think. Saw X-MIL for the first time since this went down. Interactions with her were surprisingly normal. We stayed in separate hotels and alternated having our daughters. The girls enjoyed their time with me, and I had the much better hotel.
I will go a few weeks now without seeing the girls. They finish school down south and then will be settling in their new home up north. It's going to be tough. After that, I will take them to my Mom's house for 10 days. We've had some interest in the second house, but no concrete offers yet. Praying that gets taken care of, so that I can buy a new house where we are settling down.
Not much GAL. I was with the girls. Now, I'm sitting in a hotel room by myself because I'm working at HQ for the week. Still trying to 180, but even that is hard right now. I feel like a nomad. Detachment is finally going well.
On the dating scene I'm getting a lot of action.
The rebound girl I met a few weeks ago is really into me. I was worried about her sitch before, but some of my concerns have been alleviated. I like her. I also have several dates lined up for when I finally move to my new destination, but I'll probably see how it goes with the first girl before moving on.
That's it. XW shows no inclination that she would ever be interested in reconciliation--and it doesn't bother me anymore. How it went down does, but it is what it is. I'm out of the fog of blaming myself. There appears to be a lot of dudes worse than me out there.
Harvey,
I love Pensacola and all of the Emerald Coast. Lots of good inshore and offshore boating and fishing. Such good food.
I'm glad you stood your ground with the XW. Good for you.
Good luck with the online dating. It seems as if you are getting in the swing of it.
I had a great time with the girls. D13 took third all around at regionals. I'm proud of how hard she works. D9 and I enjoyed watching the NFL Draft. The interactions with XW were a little awkward at times. I had to stand up for myself when XW implied that I had to run plans with my daughters by her. We came to an understanding, I think. Saw X-MIL for the first time since this went down. Interactions with her were surprisingly normal. We stayed in separate hotels and alternated having our daughters. The girls enjoyed their time with me, and I had the much better hotel.
I will go a few weeks now without seeing the girls. They finish school down south and then will be settling in their new home up north. It's going to be tough. After that, I will take them to my Mom's house for 10 days. We've had some interest in the second house, but no concrete offers yet. Praying that gets taken care of, so that I can buy a new house where we are settling down.
Not much GAL. I was with the girls. Now, I'm sitting in a hotel room by myself because I'm working at HQ for the week. Still trying to 180, but even that is hard right now. I feel like a nomad. Detachment is finally going well.
On the dating scene I'm getting a lot of action.
The rebound girl I met a few weeks ago is really into me. I was worried about her sitch before, but some of my concerns have been alleviated. I like her. I also have several dates lined up for when I finally move to my new destination, but I'll probably see how it goes with the first girl before moving on.
That's it. XW shows no inclination that she would ever be interested in reconciliation--and it doesn't bother me anymore. How it went down does, but it is what it is. I'm out of the fog of blaming myself. There appears to be a lot of dudes worse than me out there.
Good update, Harvey! I'm curious, which OLD service are you on? If a couple, which one has produced better results?
Hi Harvey - just wanted to stop by and say hi.
Don't worry about not GAL'g. You had the girls. That is GAL too.
Good update, Harvey! I'm curious, which OLD service are you on? If a couple, which one has produced better results?
I'm on Match and Bumble. Match and mutual friends are where I've met the women that I have dates lined up with.
Bumble seems to have a "better selection", but I don't get many hits on that site. Probably because it's based on your location. Where it shows I live doesn't match the location of the women that I'm finding. I'm interested to see what the selection is like when I get to the town I'm settling in.
Hi Harvey - just wanted to stop by and say hi.
Don't worry about not GAL'g. You had the girls. That is GAL too.
Hola, FS! I'm not too worried. I'll get back to GAL'ing when I finally get settled. I'm a bit orderly, so this bouncing around has been a bit stressful.
Good update, Harvey! I'm curious, which OLD service are you on? If a couple, which one has produced better results?
I'm on Match and Bumble. Match and mutual friends are where I've met the women that I have dates lined up with.
Bumble seems to have a "better selection", but I don't get many hits on that site. Probably because it's based on your location. Where it shows I live doesn't match the location of the women that I'm finding. I'm interested to see what the selection is like when I get to the town I'm settling in.
Ok, same here. I've had better luck with Bumble, though. I am only on Bumble if I'm traveling as the selection in my area is few and far between. I'm come to accept that any future relationship I will probably have will have to be a long distance one.
Here's my question wrt Match. Do you 'like' someone, wait for them to 'like' you back and then reach out with a message or do you just straight up send a message right off the bat? I sort of attribute my lack of success on Match to my location. I have a pretty wide radius set for my search area and most of the women's desired distance wouldn't include me (for example, their profile says within 50 miles of X, whereas I'm 250 miles from them). I'm wondering if that's the main driver in why I don't get 'likes' back or messages back from the ones that I've actually taken the time to send a message to.
Match, alone, would be pretty disheartening to me but when I've been on Bumble and am in a higher populated area, I do have very attractive women that I match with and they will send a message. I must not be that horrible looking lol! If someone messages me on Bumble, I disclose right away that I'm not from the area, but I do travel quite a bit and have the means and time to make a long distance thing work. I tell them that if that's a deal breaker for them, I completely understand. The responses are about 50/50 so far. That sort of puts me back to square one when trying to determine what the deal is with Match! If 50% of the women on Bumble don't mind a long distance R, maybe that isn't the issue on Match and I'm doing something "wrong" on there, haha.
I appreciate your insight, harv!
W,
This isn’t high school my man you don’t like a girl on Match and wait for her to like you back. You send her a message and mention something in her profile.
I thought you were in a long distance relationship all ready?
W,
This isn’t high school my man you don’t like a girl on Match and wait for her to like you back. You send her a message and mention something in her profile.
I thought you were in a long distance relationship all ready?
Well, I’m new to this $hit! I assumed that was what the like feature was for! If they are interested, they let me know and then I initiate conversation.
I wouldn’t say I’m in a relationship. I’ve been talking to the girl for a couple months. We got together two different times. We haven’t been intimate on either occasion. She’s all about taking it slow, which I am too, and mentioned a fear of getting too attached because of the distance and because my priority is my kids and doesn’t want to take away from that. Haven’t really had the conversation about whether it’s exclusive or not, so I’m not going to assume it is and continue keeping my options open.
W,
That’s not what you said. You asked do you like them and wait to for them to like you back. Some women will reach out. Most want the man to make the first move.
Seriously exclusivity after two meetings and no intimacy? Do you think you’re ready for a relationship?
Sorry Harvey for the hijack!
W,
This isn’t high school my man you don’t like a girl on Match and wait for her to like you back. You send her a message and mention something in her profile.
I thought you were in a long distance relationship all ready?
Well, I’m new to this $hit! I assumed that was what the like feature was for! If they are interested, they let me know and then I initiate conversation.
I wouldn’t say I’m in a relationship. I’ve been talking to the girl for a couple months. We got together two different times. We haven’t been intimate on either occasion. She’s all about taking it slow, which I am too, and mentioned a fear of getting too attached because of the distance and because my priority is my kids and doesn’t want to take away from that. Haven’t really had the conversation about whether it’s exclusive or not, so I’m not going to assume it is and continue keeping my options open.
Unless SHE says to you she wants to make it exclusive then its not. Keep on truckin.
W,
That’s not what you said. You asked do you like them and wait to for them to like you back. Some women will reach out. Most want the man to make the first move.
Seriously exclusivity after two meetings and no intimacy? Do you think you’re ready for a relationship?
Sorry Harvey for the hijack!
Dude, we are on the same page if you don't see that.....your previous message came off sort of accusatory in saying "I thought you were in a long distance relationship already?" My response was specifically telling you that no, I don't consider myself in a relationship and gave the reasons why I don't feel as though I am.
With re: to Match, I think you are misunderstanding my question. I was merely wondering what harvey's game plan has been and explained that, between my two posts, my process has been to 'like' someone and if they 'like' me back I would reach out and make the first move (e.g. a message). I'm simply explaining that by me hitting 'like', I kind of assumed that was the first move. With that said, I suppose girls on any dating site, especially the very attractive ones, get inundated with 1,000s of likes and tons of messages, so me hitting 'like' isn't enough, I suppose. If someone is seriously interested, it probably takes sending out a message.
W,
This isn’t high school my man you don’t like a girl on Match and wait for her to like you back. You send her a message and mention something in her profile.
I thought you were in a long distance relationship all ready?
Well, I’m new to this $hit! I assumed that was what the like feature was for! If they are interested, they let me know and then I initiate conversation.
I wouldn’t say I’m in a relationship. I’ve been talking to the girl for a couple months. We got together two different times. We haven’t been intimate on either occasion. She’s all about taking it slow, which I am too, and mentioned a fear of getting too attached because of the distance and because my priority is my kids and doesn’t want to take away from that. Haven’t really had the conversation about whether it’s exclusive or not, so I’m not going to assume it is and continue keeping my options open.
Unless SHE says to you she wants to make it exclusive then its not. Keep on truckin.
Yep, that's been my mindset all along. I'm not engaging that conversation unless she brings it up.
Sorry for the hijack, harvey!
I make it simple.
I hit like on the women that I like. If they like back, I'll message them. If the conversation goes well initially, I'll shoot them my number. After that, it's about setting up a date--which isn't easy in my situation.
I'm surprised at how many 30-somethings are interested in a 48-year-old. I have dates lined up with four women, three are in their late 30s and one is 45. She's aged well.
Things have heated up quickly with the one girl I've met. We'll see where it leads, but I'm in no rush.
Got an offer on the second house (full price, contingent on them selling their house), so the financial stress may be coming to an end soon.
Still doing what I've been doing. What I've learned is that if you DB effectively, there will be three outcomes.
1) You better yourself, your ex notices and seeks reconciliation. Then, it's up to you to decide what you want to do. You may try to make it work. You may have moved on. If you decide to give it a try, you'll be in a great position to make it work. Unfortunately, this is the least likeliest outcome--no matter what you do.
2) You better yourself, your ex notices but doesn't seek reconciliation. Your ex lives with the regret.
3) You better yourself, but your ex is happy with their life. Maybe your ex made a good decision for themselves. More power to them.
The key to all three scenarios is to better yourself and live life to the fullest.
Sounds like things are going well Harvey, good deal!
Definitely spot-on regarding the 3 outcomes. Most LBS's feel powerless for a long time, but eventually they are usually the ones that choose the outcome.
Women seem to like older men these days. My EXWW's OM is nearly 60 and she is 38. My new lady friend is 25. I am 38.
I agree on the three outcomes as well. I feel my EXWW is category two. I honestly feel she wanted me to keep waiting around and pursuing her, trying to show her that I deserve her. She got that dead wrong.
Not much is new. Yesterday was a bit tough. I dropped my girls off at XW's house after spending 10 days with them. We had a great time. We did a lot of fishing and caught a bunch of big fish. It was the type of week that will get the girls hooked on fishing for the rest of their lives.
XW had gotten her hair done. She has kept the 20 pounds or so off that she lost right after BD. Quite honestly, she looks phenomenal. She's about as hot as a 42-year-old woman can get, but at least I got her in her prime.
Doubly tough was that it was the 18th anniversary of our first date. I do wonder if she realized it, but I'm guessing she did. She's always been quite aware of those things.
We've been cordial. I've decided that I'm okay with that. Not to get her back, but I want's best for my girls. I did ask my older daughter if they have been going to church lately. She said they have. If so, XW would have been at the service that basically said divorce should be the last resort. Looking back, my XW did seem pretty emotional when I talked to her a couple of weeks ago after the sermon. I think she has too much pride to seek reconciliation, but my guess is that she has some regret. I know it's too much focus on my XW, but I'm not going to beat myself up. These milestones are tough.
I did get approved for a mortgage loan without having to close on the house in the other state, so I'm that much closer to finding a permanent place for the girls and I. I will be looking at some houses with the girls this weekend. If I find something I like, I will make an offer.
My younger daughter has been very emotional, and I do wonder if this situation has taken a larger toll on her than what I thought. I've realized that being stern with her right now is not the best approach. She needs me to be understanding and validating.
I will be meeting one of the gals (the 37-year-old) I've been texting this weekend. I think she's fallen for me. I'm not sure I'm ready for something serious, but I decided I will be honest with her. My nice guy syndrome is still there. I don't want to break her heart, if I'm not ready. If she's okay with taking it slow, we'll see where it goes.
Life is okay. It will get better.
Harvey,
awesome news on the dating front. I wonder how many people are scared to admit they made a mistake, so they don't try to fix things with their spouses...but there's no use in thinking about it really.
If you have NGS still maybe it's time for a reread on NMMNG. Good luck on the date!
Harvey,
awesome news on the dating front. I wonder how many people are scared to admit they made a mistake, so they don't try to fix things with their spouses...but there's no use in thinking about it really.
If you have NGS still maybe it's time for a reread on NMMNG. Good luck on the date!
I don't know that I have full-on NGS, but I think I have some qualities. I've focused on worrying about my needs more than the past... not at the expense of others but more as a supplement.
It's nice to read your update H and no, it wasn't too focused on your XW. She is a part of your life. It is OK to still talk/think about her. One day, you might be able to talk/think about her without worrying if you are talking/thinking about her too much. Then you'll know you're properly detached because she is just another person in your life. Also, you can still find your XW attractive without wanting to R with her. I still think my H is the most attractive man I know.
I think you need to reframe the giving the girls back after ten days. You had them for ten days. And because you knew you had to hand them back, you probably made those ten days really count. And when you don't have them, well, I don't know about you, but those GAL activities I forced myself to do at the start, well, they are just habit now. Gym, catching up with friends, snuggling up on the sofa with a book or being able to watch what I want on the TV, have all become part of my day to day when I don't have the girls.
I'm sorry to hear about your younger daughter. She's the same age as my youngest right (9). I think your decision to be cordial with your XW for the girls sake is the right one. Our children are hurting. Their sense of family has been ripped apart and they don't know how to deal with it. They don't have the words to articulate how they are feeling and they don't want to upset the dynamic any more than they have to. So, they bottle it all in and pretend to be ok (same as adults really). I have found that my kids seem happier when they see that my H and I are getting on. They never say anything, but when they see us joking around or simply treating one another like normal people (not being cold and awkward with one another) they just seem happier. On the flip side, D12 is grumpier when she hasn't seen her dad in a while, if she senses tension, or, if in fact, if she senses anything that might indicate more change. All I can do is remind her that she is loved by both of us, use "we" statements as much as I can and make a big deal of consulting him on anything children related (so she can see her dad and I are still a team when it comes to her and her sister).
Glad to see the dating thing is going well for you. I think being honest with what you can and what you can't give is a good policy to have. If you think she is at risk of being hurt, then it isn't fair to let her think you can give more than you can. I remember saying to my H when we started seeing each other that I knew that I wanted to spend time with him today, tomorrow and probably next week, but I couldn't promise more than that. We lasted nearly 17 years and 15 of those were pretty darn good.
Need some advice. First some good news: I bought a house in the city I'm settling in. I will be closing on 7/29, so I will be close to my girls and I'm moving on with my life.
Now, the drama. XW and I have actually been getting along well. However, we've run into an issue.
Backdrop: a few weeks ago XW and the girls moved to the city I'm moving to in late July. I'm living in a city 200 miles way. I had the girls for 10 days right after they came back. I had them last weekend and again this weekend. I'll have them from 6/27-7/7. From 7/7 until 8/11 I'll only have them for two weekends. I told XW that I'd like to have the girls from 8/16-8/25 and then we can get on our regular child support schedule. School starts on 8/21 (a day before my birthday). I want them on my birthday.
She responded that she'd like to have them the first two days of school--her having them for the first day of school was never agreed to in the divorce decree. We went back and forth, and I told her twice more that I'd like to have them 8/16-8/25.
She said maybe we should stick to the child support calendar that we agreed to when the divorce went final--except that she'd like both of them from 8/9-8/11 (for her sister's baby shower) and the first two days of school. The child support calendar has us splitting the girls from 8/9-8-11. 8/9 was our anniversary and I wanted that designated as one of the two times/year that we would split the girls. The child support calendar has me having them from 8/16-8/23. Two days less than I'm asking for, but with me still having them the first two days of school.
I think I will write something like this:
"I'm good with using the child support calendar. I will take the girls from 8/16-8/23. I hope we can be flexible with each other--which is why I'm okay with you having both girls from 8/9-8/11--but I never agreed that you'd get the girls for the first day of school."
Any thoughts on the way I phrased this?
So if I understand correctly, you both want them on the first day of school? Here is what I would suggest, tell her that you want them on the first day of school as well, so since both of you want them then you'll have to fall back on the schedule to resolve this which means you will have them. Then tell her if next year the first day of school falls on your week again that you will let her have them to be fair.
It's important to be flexible when you can be, because in the coming years there will be many times when you both need to alter the schedule because you're on a work trip, or sick, or planning a vacation, etc. XW and I have worked with each other a lot on schedule modifications and never had a conflict we couldn't negotiate. The decree called for one of us to have the kids over Thanksgiving and the other over Christmas, and it would flip back and forth each year. But in actuality we've always worked it out to where we both get to see them on every holiday.
harvey, I would highly suggest folliowing AS' sound advice. Also, this will be a clear message to her that D has consequences.....and those consequences is that you have to share your kids in this manner. Most WASs don't think about these things because they are uber selfish......and then when these consequences arise, like in this case, they want their cake and eat it too.
Be flexible. But also be firm and resolute so that you don't miss out on things you find important with your kids.
It's been awhile since my last update.
AS, I decided to let her have the night before school. She's always gotten the girls ready for the first day of school (hair, dress, etc.). We agreed that I would come over in the morning to see them off. I don't regret that decision at all.
Life is good. It's been almost a year since BD. I've handled it like a champ. I had no chance of preventing my divorce (3 months from BD to divorce), but my life is good. I"m closing on a house on Monday, and I'm excited for the next phase of my life. It will be good to get settled. The girls and I have a blast together. Friends/family have let me know that I'm a great Dad and that I'm much more relaxed without XW around.
I still love my XW and probably always will, but I do see sides of her that make me realize this is for the best. I no longer blame myself entirely for the divorce. I know that we are equally to blame. She chose to give up, and that is out of my control.
I naturally gravitated to DB principles, but the newbies need to know that is it imperative to 180 on the things you need to improve on, GAL, and detach. I know that my XW has regrets. I can see it in her eyes. That is because I've become a man only a fool would leave. I've improved immensely in the last year. I've gotten back to the alpha male that I was before I lost myself. If [censored] needs to get done, I take care of it. I'm not afraid to rock the boat. I dress nicely. I always look good. I have my swagger back. What do women want? They want a strong man that makes them feel secure. They want a man with self-confidence. They want a man that makes them laugh. They want a man who listens to and validates them. Become that man.
I've had several dates in the last few weeks, and I'm talking to several others. I realize that I'm desirable. There are a lot of women interested in me. On the other hand I'm not exactly ready for it. I was with my XW for 17 years. I'm not in a rush to get in to a serious relationship, and that's okay.
Life doesn't always come up roses, but our character is built on how we handle the adversity thrown our way.
AS, you've stated that your wife has never looked back after the divorce. Even though I know that my XW has regrets, I think she's on the same path. Maybe she's too proud to express any regrets. When I have down moments, it's because I wonder how it can be so easy for her. Is there anything you did that made it easier to accept?
H,
I’m sure your w has some regrets but what she’s going through she isn’t going to come out of in a year. It’s likely to be 2-5 years before that happens.
Harvey,
good to hear from you. I like your update. Keep enjoying the dating scene but go at your own pace like you said. I am loving the part where you found yourself - that's awesome man!
Hope all is well!
Interesting turn of events for me. I found out my XW is likely dating somebody. This person is the older brother of one of her best friends. He got divorced a year or two ago. Early in our relationship, she told me that she had sex with the older brother of one of her friends. (I'm not the jealous type and didn't care). It may or may not have been this guy. I don't remember which friend it was.
I would have never guessed my XW would have an affair, but the red flags were there. She was noticeably on her phone a lot more pre-BD and hid her phone around BD. We had a quick divorce (a monkey never jumps from a branch unless it has another branch to jump to), and it's obviously somebody she knows from before BD. Also, she went to the hometown of her friend and her friend's brother last fall after BD and before the divorce was final. Around the time of our divorce her friend got in a bad snowmobile accident, and she started going there a lot. It's possible that that is the time they reacquainted, but my gut says it was happening sooner. I guess she goes to this town every weekend she doesn't have the girls, but I learned from my younger daughter that they hang out with this guy and his daughters in the new town we are living in, and they stayed with him at his cabin on the lake one weekend--him and his daughters, my XW and our girls. It seems pretty obvious, but I didn't want to believe it before.
What's funny is the guy is not very handsome, and he isn't her type. It's going to be interesting to see how it plays out for her.
It doesn't really matter. It doesn't change my situation, but it did send my spinning--just a little. It would definitely make me respect my XW a lot less--especially after she told me there wasn't anybody else. I briefly thought about confronting her about this, but I know at this point it would make me look weak and it wouldn't matter.
On the plus side, dating is going pretty well. I'm not in a serious relationship, but I have a few women that I'm casually dating. Even got "physical" this weekend for the first time since BD last year at this time.
Again, I never had a chance, but what I did once BD hit allowed me to handle things better. I really had no control over any of this--except how I handled myself.
Kind of a unique situation. Has anybody got confirmation of an affair long after the divorce was final? I suppose it's easier to handle now than if I knew before I was able to GAL and detach, but it still stings a bit. I guess I'm not completely detached. I used to tell myself that "I don't want to be with somebody that doesn't want to be with me." Now, I've thrown in a "and probably cheated on me" at the end
Sorry to hear that Harvey...welcome to the club?! Ha I don't know what else to say. Your sitch happened pretty dang fast.
I'm glad you had some fun last weekend, it probably felt weird but good for you.
Don't let this guy or your XW take up any headspace
I've recovered nicely in the last two weeks. I still don't have proof of an affair, but I don't need it. What happened just doesn't matter.
I now have four women that I'm dating (i.e. gone on multiple dates with).
One wants a casual relationship and that got physical. Two others I like but don't see as LTR material. OTOH, I've really clicked with the fourth woman. I didn't meet her on an OLD site. She's a friend of a friend. I met her once when I was married, and we had chemistry then. I think she has potential. I'm going to take it slow. Fortunately, my schedule is going to force that to happen. Since I have such strong feelings for her, I should probably stop dating the other women.
Harvey, sounds like things are going well, good to hear! Regarding your earlier question, I found out pretty late in the game, well after S but I think before D (probably not too long before though). I suspected all along, but my XW asked me to drop something off in her mailbox and I ran by before work which was like 5:30 am and there was OM's truck in her driveway. I never asked because by that point it was water under the bridge. It probably stung a little, I don't really remember. If so it didn't for long. Things like that help you to realize it's time to move on!
Thanks AS! I failed to mention that I'm still a little tentative about entering into a serious relationship. It's been over a year since BD, and I'm mostly ready. It's not so much that a fear hurting the new girl. It's more than I know if I enter into this relationship, in my mind I've ended any chance for reconciliation with my XW. If I do enter into this, the option for reconciling just won't be there anymore, if that makes any sense.
Hey Harvey - long time since I checked in. That's what happens I guess. As we start to move on, we introspect less, and live more.
Anyway, you're doing well, despite "not being completely detached". Last time I checked in you were nervously dipping your toe into dating. It seems it took. I am so very very happy for you.
Re the possible affair. It's OK that it sent you into a spin. I don't think it's jealousy. I suspect its anger at the betrayal. At the lies and maybe even some left over resentment for putting you through the [censored] she put you through. You can feel angry at her
and still not want her back. Damn, you can miss her and also not want her back at the same time.
Also, I just wanted to point out that you don't know it was going on before the break up. It could be recent. People need to move forward. Her and you. And you are dating too. I bet my last dollar that some nights that eats her up. Not regret. Just a little voice saying "how dare he".
You're dating 4 women at once !!!
That in itself must be a logistical nightmare
I'm really glad you've met someone that you think you might have a future with. I still find this part really hard. I can date, but there comes a point (maybe date 2 or 3) where I think
I can't see myself introducing you to my kids , and something clicks, and either I or they or both of us end it.
In any case this is about you. You ask (or was the question rhetorical?) whether you should stop dating other people if you see a future with this one. Would you be upset if she was dating other people? Would she be upset if she knew you were?. If the answer to either of these questions is yes, then you need to either have
the talk, or you simply stop dating other people and give this relationship a chance to work. If it doesn't, you know that the OLD's will still be there.
How are your girls? We had a bit of a hard time recently with D12 (now 13) and my H and I really came together to try and get her through it. I am grateful that he still prioritises them. She still has her days, but it's getting better. Teenagers !!!
My relationship with the fourth woman (mentioned above) has gotten pretty serious. I really like her, and I know deep down it's not just limerance. I really think I found a keeper. Trying to go slow, and my schedule has helped, but she is so right for me in almost every way.
I took my time to start dating (8 months post-divorce, it's now 11 months post-divorce). I'm glad I waited until I was ready.
A couple of weeks ago, I felt like I got a temp check from my XW for the first time since she said she wanted a divorce last summer. She dropped by unannounced and was almost flirty. It was just weird, but I realized I was just mind reading. She could have just as easily been trying to butter me up to tell me she's dating. Who knows. However, my love for her just isn't what it was. It didn't send me reeling. I just shook my head.
Then, the most surreal thing happened. On Halloween my girlfriend sent me a text to tell me that she thought my younger daughter had just come to the door trick or treating. She recognized her from photos that I showed her. She described my daughter's outfit. My XW lives 4-5 miles from my girlfriend's house in a city of 200,000 people, so it was quite the coincidence. She said my XW was with a guy who was short, chubby, and had a big beard. My XW never really liked when I grew a beard.
This describes the guy I thought my XW might be having an emotional affair with. She said he looked older than me. I don't think he is, he just looks it.
I jokingly said I guess what they say about affair'ing down is true, and she said he was a big step down from me. I later got validation that my XW was indeed in the neighborhood.
Life is interesting. I couldn't ask for much more. Kids are doing well. I've grown. I'm staying in contact with close friends and family. I have an awesome girlfriend who I treat right (but I've concentrated in keeping my alpha male traits). Most importantly, I've grown in my faith.
Thanks to everybody for helping me get through all of this!
Need some advice. Things are going well with my new GF, but something happened this weekend that sent me spinning a bit. I went to my older daughter's gymnastics meet with my younger daughter. My XW arrived with a guy. It happened to be the guy that I suspected she was having an EA with before our divorce. I did ask her at the time if there was another guy involved, and of course she said no. My heart trusted her, but there have been numerous red flags before and since--too many to name.
I was surprised. I would have expected that she would have given me a heads up, but she didn't. I can't control that. She barely acknowledged me, didn't introduce us, and sat on the other side of the gym. Up until this point, we have sat together at all of our daughter's events. Afterwards, I told the girls to say goodbye to their Mom, and she could barely look me in the eye.
Later that evening, she sent a text saying she hopes it was okay, and that she'd like to introduce me to her BF. If it wasn't this guy, I might feel better about it. I did tell her that I thought it could have been handled better and that I would let her know when I was going to introduce my GF to the girls. I don't know if I even needed to say that, but I wanted to get that off my chest.
I'd like to get some answers about what really happened, but I know I shouldn't. Water off a duck's back. I just need validation that I should just move on. Even if I asked, she probably still wouldn't be truthful.
What's the best way of handling this? I don't know that I need a formal introduction. The precedence has now been set that we will be two separate groups at our daughter's events.
If your girls were older I'd just ignore her completely.
I'd decline the invitation to be introduced. I know there's all these "rules" about how divorced people are supposed to be friends and "coparent" and blah blah blah but man there aint a chance in hell I'd want to meet the OM for any reason that wouldn't land me in jail. I would ignore him and her outside of your girls.
Glad to hear the new gal is all that Harvey!
Sorry I missed this. I'm not online as often as I used to be.
I think it was wrong of her to bring him without speaking to you first. It is disrespectful. Having said that, it's done now, and their is naught you can do about it. I don't think there was anything malicious in it. I suspect she just didn't thik. I would however make sure that the children know you are not only OK with their mom seeing another man, but you are happy for her. I appreciate you might have to fake the last part of that sentence. Your W will carry on spending time with the the OM and your children will come into contact with him.
I would not want my children thinking they have to hide things from me or they couldn't talk to me. Don't pry (our kids aren't spies) but let them know it's ok to talk about him in front of you.
Anyway, I like your updates Harvey. Things sound like they're going well.
Need some advice. ...My XW arrived with a guy. It happened to be the guy that I suspected she was having an EA with before our divorce..she sent a text saying she hopes it was okay, and that she'd like to introduce me to her BF....What's the best way of handling this?
One option:
If you know his name:
H:"If you are talking about (guys name), I believe it is best that you do not introduce him to me."
W:"Bla bla bla"
H:"We both know when your relationship with him started. I am open to meeting any of your future BF's"
Something like that.
Sorry I missed this. I'm not online as often as I used to be.
I think it was wrong of her to bring him without speaking to you first. It is disrespectful. Having said that, it's done now, and their is naught you can do about it. I don't think there was anything malicious in it. I suspect she just didn't thik. I would however make sure that the children know you are not only OK with their mom seeing another man, but you are happy for her. I appreciate you might have to fake the last part of that sentence. Your W will carry on spending time with the the OM and your children will come into contact with him.
I would not want my children thinking they have to hide things from me or they couldn't talk to me. Don't pry (our kids aren't spies) but let them know it's ok to talk about him in front of you.
Anyway, I like your updates Harvey. Things sound like they're going well.
I think I'm pretty properly detached because the swimming didn't last long. I've known for awhile anyways. I had a great weekend with the girls. Went sledding today. FS, as to me showing the girls that I'm happy for her that she found another guy, I'm not sure I'll get there. My tact is more to just ignore it, and keep moving on with my life. I don't pry or talk about my XW much to the girls. When I do, it's all positive.
I did have plans to introduce my GF (who I've been dating since August) to my girls, but an untimely blizzard stopped those plans. We'll try again in a couple of weeks. I have met GF's daughter a handful of times. She followed me on Instagram.
Onward and upwards! I do think waiting until you are ready to date (basically, ending any chance of R) was the right thing to do. It's a blessing to be able to find somebody you click with right away.
I did tell her that I thought it could have been handled better and that I would let her know when I was going to introduce my GF to the girls. I don't know if I even needed to say that, but I wanted to get that off my chest.
I think that was a good response.
I'd like to get some answers about what really happened, but I know I shouldn't. Water off a duck's back. I just need validation that I should just move on. Even if I asked, she probably still wouldn't be truthful.
You are correct, you need to let it go and you likely wouldn't get an honest response anyway.
What's the best way of handling this? I don't know that I need a formal introduction. The precedence has now been set that we will be two separate groups at our daughter's events.
I'm going to disagree with the others here. You've been divorced around a year and your XW is apparently in a LTR with this guy. She's apparently going to start bringing him to your kids' events. I think you should meet him. Why I think that is simple- you are likely going to keep crossing paths with both of them because of the kids, and you don't want it to be awkward every time. Even if you sit apart there will be times when you're going to be in direct contact, such as you and your XW both going to talk to D after the event. You don't want to be in a situation where you're constantly going out of your way to avoid being seen by each other.
If you get serious enough with your GF that you start bringing her then extend the same courtesy to your XW (offer to introduce them).
Moving onto a better life. That's what this next chapter of my life is going to be titled. Things with my GF couldn't be better. I'm so much happier than I was with my XW the last few years. It took me awhile to realize the marriage wasn't that great (blame goes equally to me and XW).
I introduced my daughters to GF and her daughter. It went great. I hope this isn't just limerance. I don't think it is.
The girls are adjusting well. Older daughter is having a great start to the gymnastics season. Younger daughter has some emotional swings, but she is such a sweetheart. Both girls continue to ace school. My relationships with them have never been better.
My job is going well. My boss is really happy with my work. I'm due for a big bonus in February.
The only downside is we haven't sold the house down south yet, and it's causing financial stress (the bonus will help alleviate that). We closed in May and had several closing dates lined up. One thing after another. Most recently, was the water heater breaking and flooding the basement and putting our buy in jeopardy (closing date on 12/30). XW and I are splitting the huge mortgage. That plus the mortgage at my new house, Christmas, etc. has not allowed me to take advantage of my salary and flight benefits, so that's disappointing. I haven't had to worry about money in close to 25 years, so maybe the Good Lord is just humbling me.
Sounds great Harvey! I hear you on being humbled on the financial side, XW and I were on track to retire comfortably at 60 and now after D and being 58, my retirement age has changed to..... never LOL!
Good to hear Harvey and Im so glad your girls are thriving. Wow, intro to the new GF. Must be serious
The pot you both worked for is now being used to support two households. It s*cks. But you'll both learn to live with less for a bit.
AS - I can't see myself retiring either ...
I had a really down day. I haven't had a day like today in months. It's weird. XW came over. Super cheery, like we are BFFs. She's sort of been this way since she introduced her BF and found out about my GF, but it hasn't bugged me much. Daughters had a hard time getting along. My GF had to cancel our dinner plans. Felt really alone and kind of sad. It probably has to do with it being the holidays and missing out on family traditions. I'll be better tomorrow, but it shows how hard this can be. That is all. Tomorrow will be better.
H,
Sorry you are having a down day.
I was going to write to you the other day as I was skimming through your sitch. Every thing seemed to happen pretty quick for you. Most people suggest to not seriously date until a year after divorce. Now I know everyone is different but it sounds like you haven't work through some of your feelings and learned to be alone.
Something to think about.
H,
Sorry you are having a down day.
I was going to write to you the other day as I was skimming through your sitch. Every thing seemed to happen pretty quick for you. Most people suggest to not seriously date until a year after divorce. Now I know everyone is different but it sounds like you haven't work through some of your feelings and learned to be alone.
Something to think about.
I met my GF in early April. I told her I wasn't ready to start dating. We didn't start dating until late August. I'm not too concerned that I started dating too soon. I haven't had many setbacks the last few months. I'm good now. I think the holidays are tough the first year or two after a divorce, so I think some sadness is to be expected. I had a really good weekend with the girls (saw the new Star Wars). We'll have a great time on Christmas Eve, and then I'll enjoy some time with my GF.
Not much has changed. Doing well. My relationship is maybe coming out of the limerance stage, but it's not unexpected. We are celebrating five months together today.
XW still texts me a lot about the kids, and even some other things (wishing me Merry Christmas and telling me she thought about my deceased Dad on his birthday). I don't believe it's temp checking. She's never shown any inclination that she regrets anything, and her relationship appears to be strong. It's more that we have a cordial parenting relationship, and she now feels safe opening up because she knows I have a GF.
It's hard to stop thinking about what happened though. I think this will be my last mental hurdle. Somebody posted about Joe Dispenza, and I found his videos fascinating. I've started to incorporate some of his teachings. I'm trying to train my body and mind to focus on a positive future--rather than cycling through the past. Then again, men who I know that got a divorce they didn't want told me it would take awhile to get over my XW. It took all of them at least two years and up to five years before they fully moved on.
I do enjoy my time with the girls. I don't have my XW critiquing all my parenting moves. I can raise them as I see fit. That's refreshing. Work is going well. Still haven't sold the house down south. Prospective buyers terminated the contract after the flooding in the basement. We have it off the market while it's being repaired. I can't wait until that house is off my hands.
It's been a long time. Nothing new to report on XW (co-parenting well and that's it) or GF (things are progressing nicely).
This is a very stressful time. I work for an airline, and we've been told that 75% of our department will be laid off for 1-3 months, at least initially. (First they are asking for volunteers to take an unpaid leave of absence.) The layoff will last for however long it takes for the hysteria to die down. Horrible timing for me. I still have the second mortgage on the house down south. For the fifth time we had a closing date set (something always came up and every deal has fallen through). Now, the buyers want to push the closing date back "because of the virus." This house + other issues that have come up (basement damage in house down south because of broken water heater and basement damage in house up north because of sump pump overheating) have put a drain on my finances. I can afford a couple of months of being laid off, but not much more than that. I'm feeling some very real consequences. I just pray that things turnaround relatively soon.
My GF is a hospice nurse with a lot of clients in nursing homes who she can no longer attend to, so she's facing unemployment as well.
I've had to be a rock for my daughters and for my GF, but I appreciate this forum being a place I'm able to relieve some stress.
Not a fun time. Hope all are well.
The bill, as I read it, will give both of you UIC at your regular salary for 4 months.
I'm out of work for the next three months. I'll be able to get by--although the Georgia house (double mortgage for a year, deductible from the water damage in the basement, several thousand dollars wasted on a problem with the sprinkler system last summer) depleted a good chunk of my savings. I'm just hoping this doesn't last too much longer because there will be serious ramifications at my job (mass, long-term layoffs) if it continues for awhile.
On a positive note: the Georgia house finally sold a couple of weeks ago. Big stress relief. Girls are doing well--all things considered.
Life is melancholy for me. I'm really tired of being cooped up alone half of my time (when I don't have my daughters). As I said before, my GF is a hospice nurse (they are facing their own layoffs). She's rightfully worried about getting the virus because she doesn't want to put people at risk primarily and doesn't want to be out of work secondarily. Thus, we haven't seen much of each other for a month and a half, and it's put a weird strain on the relationship. Not even sure how to describe it.
I'll just keep trucking on because that's what I do.
The bill, as I read it, will give both of you UIC at your regular salary for 4 months.
I'm not sure what UIC is. Is that a term for unemployment? I was proud to say that I had never drawn unemployment. Just shy of 50, I can no longer say that. I'm drawing unemployment + funding from the CARES Act. Max unemployment in my state comes out to about 25% of my salary. With the CARES Act I'll be just short of half my salary. It's enough to cover my bills. It's not like I have a lot of discretionary spending right now anyways.
I'm a litte worried about the long-term ramifications, but I remain hopeful that everything will work out.
Hi Harvey,
don't take this unemployment too hard. The gov is taking precautionary measures like we've never seen before and they did it for our entire large country too. Everything should work out long term. Look for some side hustles in the mean time. Or exploit your kids for free labor...just kidding!
Anyways I'm glad you sold your house down south and I'm glad your girls are well. Keep on keeping on and be thankful for the things that are going right!
Hi Harvey
Sorry to hear about the job sitch. My H is in aviation too and there are redundancies and forced leave where he works - not that he would ever give me any specific details. I suspect he has deferred most of his bills, cancelled subscriptions (gym membership etc) and there are savings to be had from not going out - so I guess he is keeping afloat for the moment but the long term ramifications are probably weighing heavy on his mind.
I'm glad your girls are doing well and it sounds like your relationship with your exW has moved into a kind of equilibrium. I am really happy for you. Congrats on the house !!!
Oh, and your GF sounds like a keeper.
FS
Seven months since I last updated. I did start a thread in the Divorced section, but it didn't get a lot of feedback, so I'll probably just stay here awhile.
Not much to update. I was unemployed through July. I've been working 30 hours/week since then and for the foreseeable future. I get by. Just kind of staying even. It's nice to have three day weekends every weekend.
Not much else has changed. Relationship with GF is probably as strong as it's ever been--although she'll see her ex for the first time since we started dating. It kind of stresses her out. She's hoping he doesn't poke his head around. Daughters are doing fine. No change in relationship with XW.
I feel like many of my changes have stuck (not all). It's winter and I feel unmotivated to workout. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's turning 50.
I've gained a good chunk of the 30 pounds I lost at BD back. It seems so hard to lose any weight right now and so easy to gain it back. Hoping I get motivated again.
I missed the last couple of replies. Thanks for chiming in. I wonder what happened to FS. It's been awhile since I've seen an update from her.
Hope everybody has a wonderful Christmas season!
Hey Harvey,
Have you tried checking your testosterone levels? I checked mine and they were quite low which explains why it was so hard to lose weight. Low levels also makes you feel unmotivated to work out.
Hey Harvey,
Have you tried checking your testosterone levels? I checked mine and they were quite low which explains why it was so hard to lose weight. Low levels also makes you feel unmotivated to work out.
Interesting thought. Doesn't low testosterone affect your sex drive and "ability"? I may have turned 50, but I'm happy to say that I'm still good there.
I fired up My Fitness Pal after my last post, and I've had a couple of days of dieting and exercise. Hopefully, I can make it part of my routine again.
I was in a reflective mood and thought about what I've learned. I'm a big proponent of DB techniques (detaching, GAL, 180s). I've pushed back on some of the hard rules. For example, I wasn't in a rush to find a GF. However, I felt ready 9 months after my divorce, and I started dating. I broke the "wait for one year" rule. Some of this stuff depends on the individual.
For me detaching is the most important thing to work on initially. GAL helps with detaching. Fixing yourself is important eventually, but too often the LBS works on 180s to impress their spouse. The people who struggle the most are the ones who do not properly detach emotionally.
I know some good people here insist that the WAS will likely regret their decision. That comforted me early in my situation. I've come to realize that it may not be true, and it doesn't do me any good to think about it. Surveys show 50% of people regret their divorce. That means 50% of people do not regret their divorce.
Validation can be difficult--especially for men. If you are just memorizing validation lines to say, it comes off as fake. Validation is an art--one that I have not mastered yet but continue to work on. Validation starts with listening.
I'm two years post-divorce, and I still have moments where I'm melancholy about it all. I'm not sure when or if it ever goes away, but I know that's okay. When that happens, I try not to stay stuck on it. I like to work on little projects to occupy my mind when it comes up.
So Harvey say your ExW calls you today and says she made a big mistake and wants to get back together.
Is your GF history?
Interesting thought. Doesn't low testosterone affect your sex drive and "ability"? I may have turned 50, but I'm happy to say that I'm still good there.
It should but I have a high sex drive despite low levels. When I checked I had 12 nmol/l which would qualify me for TRT in USA but not where I am now where you have to be below 10 nmol/l. Which raises the question, if I have this high sex drive now, what would happen on TRT. Anyway, just a thought of course.
The rest of your post I can relate so well. Validation was so new to me and when I first saw an opportunity to do so, it felt so fake, scripted almost because I was saying lines I have read in the validation thread here. But I hope to be better and better at it. Becoming good at validating will make you almost unique compared to most people(unfortunately).
Even among friends and family I notice how often you share something and they subconsciously invalidate, not knowing what that does. You don't feel heard. But I don't blame them because I was like them for so long. So imagine doing that for years or even decades to ones partner. I can easily see how I contributed to the downfall of my relationship by learning how important validation is.
It's almost two years now since BD for me and I wonder as well if that feeling of melancholy will ever go away. Reading posts like yours sure help though, knowing you are not alone.
So Harvey say your ExW calls you today and says she made a big mistake and wants to get back together.
Is your GF history?
I have no interest in getting back together with my XW. While I have no ill will towards her, I'd rather take a chance on my GF over somebody whose loyalty I know I can't trust. With time I realize that my XW probably wasn't a great long-term match for me anyways. When I feel melancholy, it's less about my relationship with XW and more about regretting how this affected my daughters.
So Harvey say your ExW calls you today and says she made a big mistake and wants to get back together.
Is your GF history?
I have no interest in getting back together with my XW. While I have no ill will towards her, I'd rather take a chance on my GF over somebody whose loyalty I know I can't trust. With time I realize that my XW probably wasn't a great long-term match for me anyways. When I feel melancholy, it's less about my relationship with XW and more about regretting how this affected my daughters.
So the answer to LH's question is no?
Harvey, I can’t find in your thread, but I thought when you and XW told your kids about D, there was some question whether she was going to own it, or that you both fell out of love. Whatever it was, would knowledge of OM have changed how it was handled.?
So the answer to LH's question is no?
Correct
Harvey, I can’t find in your thread, but I thought when you and XW told your kids about D, there was some question whether she was going to own it, or that you both fell out of love. Whatever it was, would knowledge of OM have changed how it was handled.?
My XW wanted us to say that "we" wanted a divorce. I wouldn't do that. I wasn't going to own that. I was reading a couple of books at the time (a Father-Daughter book and "Children of Divorce"). One of them stated that daughters need to know their Dad would/did not give up on them and the family--especially those approaching their teen years. I made it clear to them on that day that I didn't want the divorce. I said my peace. I've never brought it up again after that day. I don't regret the decision. Whether there was an OM or not, wouldn't have changed how I handled it.
harvey - Thanks for stopping by my thread and others' threads today. Any update on your status? It's been awhile.
harvey - Thanks for stopping by my thread and others' threads today. Any update on your status? It's been awhile.
Not much to report. Life is good. Got DB'd. Divorced less than 4 months later. Met my current GF at a funeral about 6 months after my divorce. I told her I wasn't ready to start dating. Several months later I felt I was ready, we started dating, and we are close to our two year anniversary. My daughters are doing well. I've backtracked on some things since my divorce. Mainly, my diet has gone to hell and I've gained much of the weight back that I lost while going through the divorce. On the flip side I haven't fallen back into bad habits that doomed my marriage. I've stayed in contact with family and friends. My GAL game is pretty strong. I go on a lot of road trips (with my daughters or my GF), go to a family lake home about once/month, do quite a bit of hunting and fishing, been to several concerts, etc. Work is going very well, but I'm not looking forward to going back into the office next month. That's about it. The divorce was hard, but I've come out the other side strong.
harvey - Thanks for stopping by my thread and others' threads today. Any update on your status? It's been awhile.
Not much to report. Life is good. Got DB'd. Divorced less than 4 months later. Met my current GF at a funeral about 6 months after my divorce. I told her I wasn't ready to start dating. Several months later I felt I was ready, we started dating, and we are close to our two year anniversary. My daughters are doing well. I've backtracked on some things since my divorce. Mainly, my diet has gone to hell and I've gained much of the weight back that I lost while going through the divorce. On the flip side I haven't fallen back into bad habits that doomed my marriage. I've stayed in contact with family and friends. My GAL game is pretty strong. I go on a lot of road trips (with my daughters or my GF), go to a family lake home about once/month, do quite a bit of hunting and fishing, been to several concerts, etc. Work is going very well, but I'm not looking forward to going back into the office next month. That's about it. The divorce was hard, but I've come out the other side strong.
THIS. IS. AWESOME.
We don't get to decide what happens to us. We do get to decide how we react to it. harvey, you are an example of how to properly react!
Harvey
It's been a long time. I stopped by the other day just to check in and I saw you had posted.
You sound well and I'm glad things are going well for you. How are the girls? How is the job situation?
I still have probs with my older one, but I hang in there, fumbling my way through. If nothing else, all the BS I went through with her father has taught me patience
.
I have been fortunate enough to have not been too adversely impacted employment wise, but I do miss just going out and seeing people. I don't think I knew how much I'd come to rely on just catching up with people and having a good gossip, or putting the world to rights. I'm glad we are (slowly) coming out of lockdown now.
PS - it's nice dropping in and our conversations not being dominated by 'them'.
FS
It is great to hear from you, FS.
The girls are doing well. I really think everybody is good with their new normal. XW and I are amicable. I'm a better father, and I'm a better BF, so that's about all I could do to make the best of this situation.
Your oldest is a teenage girl, so don't beat yourself up too much. Teenage girls are hard to deal with at times. I would know.
Your situation felt similar to mine, and I'm thankful you were around when I was going through my divorce. Thank you for your advice over the years! I wish I could give you a big platonic hug some day.