Journaling:
I have been thinking of the words AS and R2C told me regarding proper validation. The main point being that I listen and not tell her anything/give input. I also recall that I need to put aside my feelings (at least that is what I recall. Correct me if I'm wrong please) and try to see things from her point of view.
It's hard. It's harder than not telling her like it is and how her actions contributed to this. It's hard not calling her a hypocrite and throw it in her face about what she lied about leading up to BD. It's hard to not tell her that if the roles were reversed, I would be out on the street living in a cardboard box. But I also know that telling her those things has not done any good before and it will not do any good in the future. It's vindictive, it serves no purpose, and has made our sitch worse. So my only other choice is to put aside my feelings and work on empathizing with her. I am trying to do so. I am trying to convince myself that she is not lying about working on finding a new place and job and so on even though I have a suspicion that she is going to move in with OM2 as soon as she leaves. I am trying to convince myself that if what she has been saying turns out to be a lie, that I do not go after her and berate and put her down. I am trying to convince myself to be a better man.
I need to start believing and putting those things into action. I need to let go some of my reservations and let time and trust sort all of this out. I need to let go of some of these negative feelings. All it has done was cause more damage between us. She does not deserve that. She does not deserve to have her day ruined because I had an outburst/tantrum. If I truly loved her, I would show her as much love as detached person should. I say that I still truly, deeply love her. Not because she is the mother of my child, but because she has done so much for me. I mean, should I work on letting some of the bad stuff caused by her from the last year and a half go? Or should I work on letting ALL of it go?
I don't think I used this term to describe my feelings, but I feel like I am still holding a grudge. I know I shouldn't. I know I need to stop. I need to accept that some things in life are not fair and that I have to make peace with that.
I need to stop because it has caused so much pain and damage to her and my daughter. I really don't want to cause anymore hurt. They both deserve better. They need better. It's the only way things will get better for all of us.
Has anyone here been a jerk/a-hole to their WS leading up to BD? How long until the guilt of your actions no longer weighed you down? When did you forgive yourself?
google : radical forgiveness
It is important to let it all go. You do not have to forget. Just forgive her. You will feel much different afterwards. Forgive yourself. You know better now.
[some really, really good stuff in here Phoenix. My favorite portion was this:
I don't think I used this term to describe my feelings, but I feel like I am still holding a grudge. I know I shouldn't. I know I need to stop. I need to accept that some things in life are not fair and that I have to make peace with that.
I'm experiencing this as well. Every time I have this feeling I repeat to myself, "And this is one of those times in life that Yail might not get what she wants".
Because really, who am I to get everything I want in life? No better or worse than any other human on this planet. We're going through a really big loss, but just because we want something doesn't mean we get it. It's a really tough lesson to practice.
Keep practicing it. I think it might help you with your grudge-like feelings. Your awareness on this is impressive.
Has anyone here been a jerk/a-hole to their WS leading up to BD? How long until the guilt of your actions no longer weighed you down? When did you forgive yourself?
Pretty sure I was worse than you by a long shot buddy. R2C is right. At some point you have to let go of what you did wrong and what she did wrong.
It's part of moving on, pain wise. Right now, you're still "carrying-on" with your W marriage wise but you can let go of that hurt if you try.
The main point being that I listen and not tell her anything/give input. I also recall that I need to put aside my feelings (at least that is what I recall. Correct me if I'm wrong please) and try to see things from her point of view.
Yes that is correct. I just posted this in another thread, but a lot of LBS's think that since they didn't share feelings before BD that they should start doing it after BD, that it's a worthy 180. But a two way sharing of feelings is what should happen in a healthy relationship, and you're not in one right now. So your job is to listen and validate. You don't reciprocate by sharing your feelings with her, because when you do that she thinks "oh he's just trying to make this all about himself as usual."
As far as trying to see things from her point of view, that's not necessarily what validating means. In Retrouvaille we learned you shouldn't say things like "I know exactly how you feel." Because you really don't and she actually might resent you for saying that. All you're doing is acknowledging that her feelings are hers and they are legitimate whether you understand them or not. This is why so many LBS's struggle with validating, because they don't AGREE with what their WAS is feeling. But validation isn't putting a stamp of approval on what she's feeling, it's merely accepting that her feelings are real to her.
I mean, should I work on letting some of the bad stuff caused by her from the last year and a half go? Or should I work on letting ALL of it go?
Forgiveness is for you, you can forgive someone without ever telling them. It's basically letting go of your need for retribution or revenge or "making things right" and just accepting that it happened, it may not be fair but you're moving past it. Now forgetting is another matter completely. You can forgive someone for their behavior while also being mindful that you will not let it happen again. I forgave my XW for all she put me through, but would I remarry her? No because I haven't forgotten the kind of person that she is now.
Responses:
AS/R2C/ovr,
I keep telling myself that I have forgiven my WW, but I still harbor some angry feelings. However, my anger seems to be going down bit by bit daily. The reality of the formal split is beginning to hit her. She is expressing concern and worry of her lifestyle, how she is going to pay bills, apartment, etc. after she moves out. I tell myself that me expressing my anger is not going to help matters and will just make her pain worse. I can't nor do I want to do that anymore. She may have messed up and continue to do so (in my eyes), but she is a good, caring person.
I am working on forgiving myself. I think the part that I am struggling with is the fact that I had such a great thing with her only to neglect and ultimately lost it. The good memories I hcreated with her are the things that I reflect on constantly and sorely miss. Now I'm not sure my feelings are a byproduct of a lack of intimacy or intimate physical contact. Or it also could be that I am still not experiencing the things I should expect when I am dating right now and that I am getting impatient of getting to that point. Or if it's just between GAL sessions I have moments of loneliness and my mind begins to drift back to our sitch.
Whatever it is, I do know that I am still a bit wistful of our relationship that was. That's the key word: [b]was[\b].
Yail, thank you. I think once we start to accept that not everything in life is fair, the sooner we can work on improving ourselves. We were taught to work on the things we do have control of: ourselves. Everything outside of us is not in our control and is an exercise in futility.
Practice definitely makes perfect.
Journaling:
Work is coming to an end. I pick up D5 from her Granddad (WW's dad). He is just realizing the extent of the sitch and seeing what WW and I have been going through. He asks about me and how I'm feeling (to WW). She tells him (at least I think she does) that I am very happy.
I go clubbing tomorrow night. I have my clothes laid out for the event. I am also going to make a major change to my appearance. I am going to shave my head. I am already bald. The hair in the back does not look good on me. It's time to let that go as well.
Speed dating event Monday. I'm excited for that. Going forward I am going to slow it down a little bit and try to work on my social skills (RotG Day 7) in public environments (coffee shops, bookstores, shopping malls, etc.). It's all a part of my growth.
I booked a trip to Vancouver, BC to take with D5 the first weekend in May. WW will be out of town attending a class and I took that Friday off to watch D5. I decided to make it special and take D5 on a road trip that she has been dying to take since our trip to Leavenworth last Thanksgiving.
I'm feeling good overall. Yes, I do have moments in which my mind starts to wander towards "I'm sad and I need pity" territory but I know that will not do me any good and it certainly is not attractive behavior. I force myself to think positively. I think of the good things I have done in the last few months and it reminds me that all of these changes I have gone through are a result of my positive mental mindset.
Journaling:
The social growth continues. I went clubbing/dancing for the first time time last Friday. I went with my uncle (in law), his GF, and her three other friends. We went to a nightclub where most of the music they play are hits from the late 80s/90s. Upon arrival, I go right to the bar and order myself a non-alcoholic drink. I needed something to boost my energy (Red Bull), but I also wanted to work on my body language skills. One such skill is having the drink hang at your side and leave your torso exposed. Apparently vulnerability is an attractive trait. Our group made their way to the dance floor and started dancing. Five of them were in a circle and I was the odd man out. Not knowing what to do, I sidled to one of my uncle's friends and started dancing...not with her, but alongside the group. It felt a little awkward at first, but as the evening progressed I was able to be a part of the group dancing. Between dancing, I went outside and chatted with some women who were taking part in a bachelorette party. One of the ladies asked me if I was named "Eric". One of the challenges for the bride to be was to find someone named "Eric". I said I was not, but I told them I can pretend to be. They laughed and told me that if I am to be called "Eric" I was supposed to buy the bride to be a drink. I bought her a drink, toasted to her marriage and made my way back to the dance floor where i danced alongside my group for another hour before heading home. Lot of fun.
Quiet rest of my weekend. I have three nights and two full days with D5 and that is unfortunately not going to change anytime soon. I miss her. I miss my family. But I know I can't have that right now. Not with the way things are.
I went to another speed dating event last night. I hit it off with one of the women before the start of the event and chatted with her quite a bit. Lots of flirting, her touching my arm, etc. Felt good. Did the event and ended up with the woman I started off with. More talking, more flirting and light touching. I asked for her number and texted her my contact details along with me asking her to get together at a later time for dinner and/or drinks. I get my results from my speed dating thing and was informed that I matched with the woman who I was talking to. So...yay. I just emailed her letting her know of my availability for this week and weekend and left it at that. No response from her yet. And that's ok. I'm getting good practice.
Planning a quieter evening tonight. I'm going to lift and maybe putter about town for a bit before heading home early and going to bed. Wednesday and Thursday look to be the same. I'm trying to find social events to go to, but they are mostly in the city and I don't want to continue to go back and forth attending to them. Maybe I'll find something as interesting here?
I seem to be getting along better with my WW. I keep telling myself that it does not mean anything and as far as we're concerned, we're still moving forward with the legal separation. Though I cannot help but think in the back of my mind that there still may yet be hope of us getting back together. I keep telling myself to snap out of it and that it is just a fantasy, but it's a though that still lingers. I tell myself that there is no way I would ever take her back the way she is now. She needs to change for me to even consider it.
And I am also feeling that even though I claimed I was fully detached from WW, I don't think I am. I don't feel like I am. Maybe it's going take more time?
You sound like you are moving in the right direction Phoenix. Much better than a few months ago. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. You will eventually get to where you need to be. Just keep putting yourself out there. (((HUGS)))
That's progress Phoenix! I know as a big guy and not a good dancer, when I get out there it can feel like a million eyes are watching only you. Just have to keep going and push on through. As with anything like for me skiing, the more times you do it, the more comfortable and less awkward you will feel. The speed dating is great as well. It's not the number you connect with. I assure you ONE quality connection with a great lady will warp speed your detachment. I'm not at all saying you need a relationship if you don't feel ready. Simply put once you fully realize there are other quality women out there who have interest in you, you'll have the whole epiphany of "why am I still wasting my time on WW?" THAT is when your detachment will take off. Grant yourself the grace to work through your feelings as they come up, keep putting yourself out there if for no other reason than to see that there is a TON of possible green grass on the other side of the fence and enjoy yourself. Create your own new control in your life that no one else can take from you!
-B
Short Journaling (it's been a very busy week):
- Met the woman who I made out with at another social event. I exchanged brief pleasantries before I left the event. She invited me out to dinner at a very fancy (expensive) restaurant. As the evening progressed, I came to realized that she was a gold digger. I am not proud for the way I handled the money part at the end of the meal. I could not pay at that time, but since I assumed that we'll see each other again as friends, I can get the next round. She did not like that at all. She sent me an anger text and told me that we're not friends. I tried to clarify my position but her mind was already made up and told me not to text her again. I paid for my part of it and that was the end of that.
- I went to a speed dating event again where I thought I matched with someone who I clicked with really well. I get an email from later telling me that she felt a friendly vibe with me and would like to hang out as friends in the future. I told her that while I appreciated her offer for friendship, I will have to decline her offer because I was looking for something more substantial, hence the reason I went to the speed dating event.
-WW got a new job in the city and she starts this week. As a result, she is moving out sooner than usual. She has a temporary place to stay (OM2) while she "finds another place and couch surfs". I can tell she was emotionally exhausted. She went to a wine-tasting vacation last weekend and she informed me that the choice to accept the job was on her mind all weekend and could not sleep well at all, much less enjoy her time there. Seeing that as another opportunity for validation, I told her that I can see how such a heavy choice as leaving her old jobs and going into a new one would be very stressful and sad. I offered no advice, and no reassurances. Hell, during one of our chats, I opened up the Validation sticky and referenced that while I talked to her. She nearly broke down again this morning while talking about coordinating parenting efforts and she told me that this while thing is really hard. I told her that I know and I can tell it has been a very hard couple of weeks for her. The temptation to reassure her was there, but I did not. I just listened.
I see her for the first time tonight in nearly two weeks and I have no idea what I am going to say or do if we talk.
I have expressed here before that I am done with her and I am moving on. Now, here I am making small friendly talk, validating, and listening to her. I have not once offered any of my services nor will I plan to. If she asks, I am going to politely decline.
I am also hesitant to say this, but I need to say it:
I still have feelings for her. I still love her. And as much as I say that I don't want her back...my mind and heart are not completely closed towards reconciliation. I think I still want her back. I don't know why I do or why I am thinking these crazy thoughts, but I do hope that people see some things from my point of view.
But I also know that I am not ready to take that step. I am not ready for any relationship, whether it's with her or someone else. I don't plan on pursuing anything serious until I am 40. I am 38 now. I am still learning about attraction, validation, flirtation, and socializing. To go back to her would likely mean that I stop my growth in those areas. I don't want to stop the growth. I don't want to stop the progress. I want to continue to address my NGS issues, my anger issues, and my issues with my insecurities, only because I do not want to go back to the way I was. I never want to be that person again.
Hey Phoenix. Sounds like you are making GAL efforts but are still feeling a bit stuck because your heart still isn't in it. I do not know at what point it is going to stop being an effort for you and become more of a way of life. I suspect you still have a lot of fears and regrets related to your MR. You have to find a way to move forward Phoenix... I mean REALLY move forward... for you. If you really truly love your wife, let her go. Forgive her and more importantly, forgive yourself.
Re: that woman's offer of friendship. TBH, I think that sounds really healthy and smart - especially given where you are at with respect to your feelings for your wife. I met a guy a month ago and we have been developing a friendship. For the most part, I'm okay with it because I really do not want to rush into anything with anybody and I certainly don't want to risk hurting someone or being hurt myself. So...slow and steady seems like the best pace. And don't you want a friendship before you get really involved with anyone anyway? To jump into something more than that, IMO, sounds like a recipe for drama and heartache and you don't need anymore of that.
(((HUGS)))
I still have feelings for her. I still love her.
We understand. It is OK. The only thing that is not OK is for you to pursue her. Be strong, confident, funny, sexy and any other attractive trait you want to project in her presence.
How is the RotG going? I found my copy of the book. I plan on reading along with you. I really like how you were journalling here. I am sure that will help others.
We all know you love her P. It’s ok man. Keep on with the GAL. You are really improving there.
Just show her the P that she’s loosing. You are getting into amoafwl.
No expectations. Moving forward.
Be strong there P.
(((DV6))),
I've been actually doing good on the GAL front. My GAL primarily revolves around social activities including meetups where I have the opportunity to converse and socialize. I am still at the phase where I have to force myself to get out there, even when I face some setbacks. It is still work, but I'm starting to enjoy more aspects of it. As far as the dating goes, I am going to have some fun. I have never experienced single dating life before I met my W. I have another chance to learn again, and get some valuable knowledge and experience on dating and courtship. Again, I am not seeking a relationship of any type at this time. I just want to have some fun.
I have told her that I have forgiven her a handful of times, but there is some bitterness that remains. It's nothing like it was before. It does not fuel much of my anger anymore. Since the episode in which she told me that my anger ruins her days and that I am a pr*ck/a-hole, I have been trying to be pleasant and upbeat around her, on the phone, and through text. As R2C said, I need to be and am working on being strong, confident, funny, sexy, and caring. The goal is not to attract her back. The goal is to make me into the man I have always wanted to be. I keep saying that I am detaching (hell, in the "You will not die" sticky, I claimed that I was FULLY DETACHED when in reality, I was maybe 40%. Now I am about 65%) and my words and actions tend to demonstrate detachment. But I just can't help, even after 16 months of being separated, even as we get closer to her moving out of the house, even as we begin the process of filing the paperwork (I haven't even started yet), even as I think that her and OM2 are progressing towards something deeper, that I have a chance at a new R with W. If it were to start happening, the process is not going to start to happen anytime this year. I don't think it's going to happen next year either. If there was a chance (a huge IF), it would be in 2021.
I am not going to pursue it, I am not going to give up my identity and my self-respect (another reason why I need to date...I need to continue to learn to stand up for myself and gain/maintain that self-respect.), and I will not go back to the way I was before I started this process.
My true focus now is figuring out how I am going to get to spend time with my child while being able to do things that make me happy and healthy, like going to the gym and photography, and going out to social events.
R2C,
I have stalled on Day 7. I may get an opportunity this Thursday to perform that task, but I have to fit that in after I lift. Otherwise, my next opportunity for a chance to put this into action will be next weekend.
Neff,
WW is seeing who I am becoming. Whatever her feelings are for me at this time is something I try not think about too much. If she wants to come back great. If not...great. I am working on accepting either outcome.
Hey Pain,
Nice updates. Slow progress is progress and I speak from experience there!
I really think you're going to be a happy, successful human being.
Anyways, keep up the good work. Cheers from MO.
He goes by phoenix9 now
I was hoping I'd come back to read about you, hope all is well as it can be Phoenix.
(((Everyone)))
I've had a very busy month full of new learning experiences and sustained growth. But first:
RotG Day 7
Mission 1: Complete
Mission 2::Complete.The opener pertained to photography. Do you prefer prints in color or B&W?
Mission 3:: Complete.
[u]Mission 4:
I: First approach was successful. I went up to a young woman and mother who were having coffee and asked them what shot in particular did they like (this was at the coffee shot where my prints are displayed. I did not tell them it was my work). Responses were that they liked both styles.
II: Mixed success. This was in a town about 20 minutes away and I was in the art exhibit and I asked the same question. Her answers were a little short but polite.
I may redo this challenge and see if I can get improved results with my opener.
How I've been:
My last update was nearly a month ago. I am wrapping up my lunch so I'll fill in on the details later, but the last month was full of me continuing to work on my validation with WW. I stopped "telling" her things and I have saying textbook statements like "I can see how this is stressful for you." and "You are going through hell. I can tell why you would be so upset."
Last week my D5 was involved in an accident in OM2's vehicle. D5 was fine. She just had a bruised knee. OM2's car had some damage and he apparently broke down and cried. This event occurred following two other bad events for WW that day (co-worker from hell has been making her new salaried job awful. Other co-worker's ex showed up to her car with a gun and shot out her window). To top it all off, on her way home, she drove my another accident and saw two bodies from a different accident lying in the street. She called me crying. I just listened and told her that I'm sorry she is having what is definitely a bad day and suggested that she go out and get something nice for herself. I called her later to check on her and she said she was snuggling with D5 and watching Netflix and put an end to the day.
WW got a new job and the transition was awful for her. I'll explain in better detail later.
WW moved out of the house. It's different, and I am still trying to get used to her being gone. I still miss her. But I do not want her back. Not now. I'm making progress on my dating (no successful date yet...work in progress) and am going to continue the learning process and enjoy it.
I'm doing well. Getting better daily. Happiest that I've been in a long time, but am still feeling some sadness, pain, confusion, and some anger. I keep reminding myself to let it go, which helps me detach from the anger and I calm down much quicker. Letting go has been very difficult for me, but I am making progress.
Thanks for the update. Was worried something happened to you.
I'm good R2C. It's been a climb as always, but I'm still moving forward. I'm still growing, I'm still learning, I'm still taking my lumps, but I'm also enjoying my life a lot more. I have been having a pretty active social life as of late, but I had to pull it back a little since it is taking time away from myself, D5, and my house.
I am in the house 7 days per week now. WW has moved out. I have D5 Sunday through Wednesday evening. Thursday-Sunday morning I have to myself (party time!) which I use to socialize, do some housework/chores, and workout. I am still following the three day per week weight lifting routine. 36 straight weeks so far and I started my 37th yesterday.
Work is going well. I'm really starting to get into a good groove with my routine and enjoying every moment of my time there. A car has been offered to me and it may be possible that I will be getting one without taking a deduction in my pay. The hold up is the insurance and whether or not D5 will be covered as well, since I have to do pick up and drop offs at her preschool.
We started to do our research for schools for D5. First school was about 30 minutes from where I live and 20 from WW. It was a nice school. We may be able to work it out if we can figure out how we can continue the balance of having WW and I see her on a regular basis. School is about 4 months away, so I'm hoping that a decision will be made by us soon. D5 herself is doing pretty well. We make the most of each other's time while we're together, which is primarily evenings at the house. It's fine, but I do miss her having her for full days on weekends. But I also know that it makes my social life a little more challenging. Blessing in disguise, I guess?
WW has had a rough month. She was forced to take a job in the city and her abrupt departure from her old job left a bad taste in her former boss and coworkers mouths. The term “disappointment” has been uttered by her former boss a handful of times, from the way she submitted her short notice, to how she left the condition of the school on her final day. From my understanding, they have totally distanced themselves from her and have not contact her in any way shape or form. Her new job is a salaried position, being a director of a children’s school. The pay is good, but her hours are long. She is up at 430 AM and works until 630 PM or later. Her co-workers are awful and do not respect her authority at all. Her boss is nearly non-existent. I remember one weekend I was dropping off D5 with her so I can attend a social event. While I was on my way to the drop-off point, she called me if I was looking forward to where I was going and I said yes, I was excited. She started to joke with me that I was going to some oriental massage parlor and continued to joke with me until she pulled up. Her driver’s side window rolled down but I was in a rush so I just opened the backdoor and made her get buckled in. I then approached my WW to wish her a good night when she rolled her window down. She was crying. A lot. I just stared at her, to which she said she’s fine. I did not say a word, opened her car door, and held her while she sobbed into my chest. It was a good minute or two before I let her go and I let her just talk to me. Again, I made no suggestions to improve her situation. I was about to utter the words “It’s going to be OK” but stopped myself, knowing that I was not going to validate her feelings by saying that and that doing so would make light of her feelings in that moment. She talked for a good 10 minutes before I told her that I am sorry she is having a rough time right now. She told me she had to get D5 to bed and that I needed to get to my event. So I gave her an affectionate squeeze on her arm and wished her on her way.
Two weeks later was the day that the accident, car-window shooting, and dead body viewing event occurred. She called me bawling and told me how awful of a day it was and how she hates living in the city. I just said “I know. I know you’ve been dealing with a lot and today has been very tough. I know you don’t like living in the city and I can see how those things would make her want to have those feelings.”
Our conversations are more playful and friendly. We now talk to each other about 15 minutes per day (she calls me). There are times in which she just talks and I listen. She still talks about filing the paperwork to finalize everything but neither of us has started the formal process. I may start it, I may not. It depends on how my dating life goes.
My dating life is still in its infancy. I have not made much positive progress in that realm, even though I have had attempt with 6 different women. I was either ghosted, given the friends speech, or they just told me they were not interested. It’s been frustrating because logic would say that things should have progressed to something as the interaction between me and the women continued. That has not been the case. I have joined a coaching group who I have been working with on figuring out my shortcomings and fixing them so that I can progress on my next attempt.
And here I am. I am settling into my new normal. I am still in pain, but it’s not as bad as it used to be. When I do get a visual of what WW and OM2 have done, of what WW has said to me, of all of her actions, I still go through my emotions of anger and sadness, but I am making a lot of progress of letting it go sooner. The advice I have obtained her – Just let it go – is always on my mind and in my actions. Some days I succeed and other days, not so much. It’s just the way things are right now, which I expect will improve as time passes.
I’m hoping to not be away as long between postings. I have just been making adjustments and living life. And I’m starting to feel and believe that life is indeed good.
That's progress Phoenix! I know as a big guy and not a good dancer, when I get out there it can feel like a million eyes are watching only you. Just have to keep going and push on through. As with anything like for me skiing, the more times you do it, the more comfortable and less awkward you will feel. The speed dating is great as well. It's not the number you connect with. I assure you ONE quality connection with a great lady will warp speed your detachment. I'm not at all saying you need a relationship if you don't feel ready. Simply put once you fully realize there are other quality women out there who have interest in you, you'll have the whole epiphany of "why am I still wasting my time on WW?" THAT is when your detachment will take off. Grant yourself the grace to work through your feelings as they come up, keep putting yourself out there if for no other reason than to see that there is a TON of possible green grass on the other side of the fence and enjoy yourself. Create your own new control in your life that no one else can take from you!
-B
I second this. I went on several coffee dates with women. I didnt even feel like being friends with any. Then I met a woman much younger that I had no intention of dating initially and we matched up very well. It sped my detachment up greatky because I absolutely found that there are women out there that are willing to treat you so much better than how your WW does. I literally said to myself "why in the world was I wasting time pining for a woman that treats me so badly and showed me how selfish she truly is?"
Phoenix, great progress. I am so happy for you. We will still have ups and downs but the climb is easier every time.
As time goes on inthikk we both get better at validating and it becomes "ours" in how we do it. Changes are not easy, but nothing worthwhile is easy. I hope you keep enjoying life and keep putting yourself out there. You'll be glad you did.
P - glad to read your update. The tone of your update is much more somber but less emotionally than before if that mkes sense.
And here I am. I am settling into my new normal. I am still in pain, but it’s not as bad as it used to be. When I do get a visual of what WW and OM2 have done, of what WW has said to me, of all of her actions, I still go through my emotions of anger and sadness, but I am making a lot of progress of letting it go sooner. The advice I have obtained her – Just let it go – is always on my mind and in my actions. Some days I succeed and other days, not so much. It’s just the way things are right now, which I expect will improve as time passes.
This is the nature of the beast. Acknowledge the emotion, let them in, and then let them go. Easier said then done. But as you say, it does get easier with each day.
Anyway, wanted to stop by and say hi.
Thanks FS. I had my share of dating disappointments this last week and I've been working on turning my attitude around. Historically whenever I experienced a setback in regards to my love live, I would turn inward and negative and dwell on the "failure (it's in quotes because I did not fail. Things just didn't work out for reasons beyond my control". I have been working on balancing my emotions between happiness and sadness because the whole experience has been tiring. One moment, I'm feeling like on top of the world, the next, I feel like everything is collapsing around me. I have made bad situations worse and in some cases, made good situations bad with my thinking and attitude.
This last week after I experienced another setback, I decided to pull in and do things that bring me enjoyment but do it within the confines of my house and the surrounding area. I went to the hills and shot some pictures. The next day I stayed at the house and worked on some yardwork (with a piece of crap lawnmower), made some food for the week, and binged watched "Grey's Anatomy". The next day, I picked up D5 and we got ready for the next few days. During this time, thoughts of my WW and her actions began to creep back into my mind and I started to get emotionally affected again. Thoughts of her "succeeding" in her dating life and me "failing" ran rampant, but I did my very best at ridding myself of that negative mindset. I know that the downer attitude is not going to get me what I am seeking and I used that thought process as a catalyst to snap me out of it. I am turning it around a little now and at the point where I am ready to engage in social activities again. I go to a comedy show in the city tonight and going out bar-hopping with a work buddy. Saturday I am going to a 5K walk hosted by some cute woman on Meetup. I have GAL stuff planned. I am still GAL, but I am starting to focus more on my responsibilities as a home owner. Stuff like lawn care, house repair and improvement are at the forefront. I also am toying with the idea of setting a second part-time job to help pay for those expenses. I also need to take a vacation. I haven’t had one in over two years and with all that I have gone through I really need to take an extended break to relax and enjoy myself.
I am muscling my way through getting a better life through better attitude. It’s been a lot of hard work. I have been reading a lot of books (“Models: Attract Women Through Honesty” by Mark Manson is a fantastic book. More good stuff on being a better man. “How to be a 3% Man” by Corey Wayne is another good one). I am making some genuine friends now. I have been talking to a young mother via the Whisper app for 8 months now and we share a lot about ourselves. There is no romantic or sexual interest between us, and I like it like that. The guy who I am going bar-hopping with is a coworker of mine.
Turning it all around has been a very time and labor intensive process. I am still not done as I am still finding things I need to improve on. Getting back into the dating scene has really opened up another part of me that needs work and I am working on that now. I hope and feel that I can make the same amount of progress in that area as I did the last eight. The goal is to continue to build my self-confidence and self-worth. The (huge) bonus is that I get to date and have experiences that I haven’t been able to experience before. It is just going to take my sustained efforts to get there, while making sure that my needs are met (food, clothing, shelter, D5).
I believe you put to much expectations into dating. Can you change your though process?
Go into it with the belief that it will be the only date. Your one chance to learn as much about another person as possible. Your one chance to have a great experience with them.
I believe you put to much expectations into dating. Can you change your though process?
Go into it with the belief that it will be the only date. Your one chance to learn as much about another person as possible. Your one chance to have a great experience with them.
I need to. The current method I am applying is giving me limited success. The primary issue I am having to work through is figuring out why the first date never happens. More often than not I would get a commitment early on only to have them back off later.
Hey Phoenix, how's life? I was just thinking about you today, hope all is well.
Hey ovr (and everyone else
),
It's been a very long time since my last update and I wanted to fill you in what has been happening in my life in regards to not only my sitch but my life in general.
Summary:Life is great. I'm the happiest I have ever been in a very long time. My confidence is constantly reaching new heights, my overall moods have for the most part stabilized and settled into a positive, happy normal. My physical health has improved, my relationship with D5 has improved even moreso, and now...I am making progress in my dating life - a life I once struggled with for so long and was briefly set aside with lightning struck when my relationship with my WW began way back in 2008.
Sitch with WW:I'd be lying if I said I have completely detached from my WW. I have not. There are a few lingering threads that remain, but the more each day passes, the more objectively I can see her. Maybe I just being a little jaded, but WW is a shell of who she once was. She took a new job in the city that has her working upwards of 100 hours per week, and works in an area of Portland that is fast becoming known for petty crime. She has already had her backup camera stolen. In addition, one of her coworkers was in a situation in which a jealous bf threatened her with a gun and shot out her car window. This of course caused the school to go into lockdown mode for the duration of the afternoon and prompted her to call OM2 to pick up DS5 (I still have not met OM2. I know I need to, but I cannot bring myself to do so. The only way I can do is if he hurts D5. That happens and that will end poorly for him.). Following D5's pickup, OM2 got into an accident that injured him. Fortunately D5 escaped with a small shin bruise. Later that day, WW called me crying in hysterics at the events of the days leading up to this (I hate it here, I want to back to the small town at my old job, etc. Nothing about moving back into the house, which...is perfect. I don't want her back.). Things have gotten better, but she is not looking good at all. She appears to have gained weight, she is always complaining of fatigue, and is always dreading her next day at work.
As far as my feelings for her are concerned, I still love her. But right now, I am not IN LOVE with her. And it's so funny to say that because at this time last year, I did not quite grasp how the two can be separated and how the two concepts are distinctive from each other. I have a better understanding of it now and am able and express my feelings towards her. I do have hope of reconciliation WAY WAY WAY down the road. But a lot has to happen in order for that to even be considered. She would need to exhibit behaviors of remorse as pointed out by Sandi, R2C, and other DB veterans. There is none of that. I may see it, I may never see it. And honestly...I don't mind either way. I look at myself and can confidently say that I am doing fantastic. D5 loves both of us immensely and is always missing the other person when either of us has her. If there ever was a spark that would cause the three of us to be a family again, it would be D5. Again, it's out of my hands and in the hands of the higher power. All I am going to do is to continue to do my own thing.
Dating:I'm being honest here: This is something that I am learning (not learning again) at the age of 38. I have talked to many who told me that the rules of the dating game has changed to which I respond that I never really played the game since any attempts I have made were met with failure. Again, WW was the equivalent of winning the lottery and I rode that to this point where my luck ran out. I have subscribed to a Reddit group dedicated to "the game" and have been putting in work (just like I did here) with members who are seasoned in the dating/pick-up art. I do want to clarify that while the group's goal is to get me plenty of dates and casual relationships, it is also teaching me how to handle it maturely. It teaches me about the mindset of women, about what they are looking for in a man, what they want, and so on. In a nutshell, it's everything this board continues to preach. Things like GAL, being happy with yourself, detaching from their feelings and focusing on personal growth...it's all the same, but just repackaged for the purposes of dating. There is hand-holding, but there is the same tough-love approach there as I obtained here. So I feel right at home in regards to how to respond to critiques of my behaviors. Great stuff. I hit a breakthrough last week and have gone on not one but two different dates this last week with two different women. I am looking forward to what this summer and beyond will bring for me.
Everything else:My job is going well. Though I had to be pulled back since I got into a little bit of trouble due to my unpreparedness. I am working on rectifying those mistakes and slowly pushing myself into learning new concepts and applying them to my job. Growth is slow, but it's steady, and it's sticking. Right now, it's what I am after and what I am getting. I have started to make genuine friends here. I have a friend at work who I have been hanging out frequently, especially when he hits the bars after works on weekends. Great guy and we enjoy each other's company when we hang out. There is also a young woman who I started talking to on Whisper back in November. We leaned on each other while going through our own ordeals. She would lean on me when she needed the emotional support and I to her. We are finally meeting each other tomorrow with our kids at a park for dinner and play time. I'm looking forward to it and continue to cultivate our friendship. I am slowly working on making the house my own. I bought prints of my photographs and have them hanging about the house. I am cleaning the house on a regular basis and take pride in it. I am making more meals at home and enjoying times with D5 when she stays over. And I am still weight lifting on a weekly basis three time per week. I have completed 44 consecutive weeks and have started week 45 today. Right now, my goal is to get to 52 consecutive weeks of lifting and finish my workout journal from start to finish. I have a few more pages to fill out and I am excited to make my way towards the end of that book. After that, I may continue to do the same routine or make tweaks to it and focus more on muscle tone and fat loss versus strength. But then again, I love the strength growth part of it and would like to continue. The only thing I need to work on is better GAL activities. I am long overdue for an extended vacation and need to set aside a week to relax and spend quality time with myself and D5. I am hoping it comes soon. As happy as I am right now with everything, I need to step back and catch my breath.
I will be forever grateful for all of the support you have given me in the last year. I have said this constantly throughout my journey but I will always repeat it over and over again. You not only saved my life, but have helped me turn it into something even better - something that I thought would never happen.
For those who are currently struggling through your situations, I will echo the same thing numerous folks have said here time and time again: Keep fighting. Keep hoping. Keep going. It will get better. Reconciliation is not the true goal here. Rediscovering yourself and your happiness is the goal. Reconciliation is just something that may come as a bonus. And if it does not, you will still be a better man/woman coming out of this.
Be:
AMOAFWL/AWOAFWL (A man only a fool would leave/A woman only a fool would leave)
I love you all.
Awesome update Phoenix, glad to hear you are doing so well! I can relate to your comment about finally understanding the difference between loving someone and being in love with them. I definitely am no longer in love with my XW but do still love her and always will. Once you get to that point you finally understand the way she was probably feeling after BD. It's not that they hate us or want us dead or anything, they still love us, but not in the romantic sense anymore. Good luck with the dating!
Just a QA , how come you know so much of what is going on with ww?
TH, I exchange D5 twice per week and on occasion WW calls me and tells me (complains) about her awful job. When I do see her, she always looks tired. She has gained weight and there is always a look of stress on her face.
Thanks for the support AS. The dating journey has been an interesting one so far, but it was one that I need to take. It's all about learning and growth.
Hi there Mr Phoenix,
Hope all is well.
So, so proud of you! You are an inspiration for everyone. (((hugs)))
Joining sandi with more hugs here P!
((((((P))))))
Hey everyone! I had some free time this afternoon between tasks so I'd thought I'd fill you all in on what is going on in my life and where I am at in regards to my journey of detachment, dating, parenting, and being a man only a fool would leave.
First off, I still have not filed for divorce yet. I have the forms filled out but will need to find someone to serve them to her. STBXWW knows the papers are coming so it's not like it is going to be a shock for her to get them. At this point, I'm just waiting to get my financial ducks in a row (details to follow shortly) before I get them served to her. I informed all of you that if there was someone to file it would be me. And that is in progress. I still feel heartache at having to do this. I know that it's been over a year since this whole mess between STBXWW and OM2 started and that serving her divorce papers would not change anything. Getting the divorce
I want would finally serve as the formal end of our R.
The tears stemming from our failure of our M have not been observed for the better part of 4 months now. The horrible pain I was going through all of last year and the first part of this year have now dulled to an ache that flares up every now and then. My heart hurts during the flare up, but I close my eyes and tell myself that the journey that came of it is one of the best things to have happened to me. As awful as the experience was, I truly could not and would not be the man I am working on becoming had this sitch not occurred. I am still working on my NGS. Right now, I am working on getting the balls to turn my photography into a paying side gig. I won't go into details, but the NMMNG book tells me that the excuses I am making for the effort of my photography gig is classic nice guy behavior. I am making small steps, but I still have work to do.
I am dating someone! We have been seeing each other for two months now and so far, we are really enjoying each other's company. We see each other about twice a week. Sometimes I meet her for lunch, other times we see each other at one of our homes, where we engage in some pretty satisfying sex. She is my age (her birthday is one day after mine), and has three teenaged girls. I have not met them yet, nor has she met D5.5 though I think it will happen soon. I am excited to have D5.5 meet my girlfriend, but I remind myself that it has been only two months and that I need to take it slow. Let things happen and do not rush things. We chat briefly over text once or twice a day and sometimes have a phone call with each other about once per week. Compared to when STBXWW and I were dating, my GF and I are taking it much slower.
Speaking of sex, the stuff I learned from here and the NMMNG book taught me to be more communicative and confident of what I want. I told her about the things I want to try with her upfront instead of trying to win "brownie points" in the hopes I can smooth my way into performing certain sexual acts. Early on, after I finished, I did have the habit of asking her if she finished. I stopped that when she told me that it's not a question that I need to ask everytime we finished. Whenever we engage in sex, we enjoy the moment we are sharing and avoid overthinking things. R2C, the book you recommended
She Comes First has been a great resource. Applying the guidelines from that book has allowed me to embrace and enjoy the moment with her. Sex feels genuine and nothing feels forced, even if it feels like our session feels fast (sometimes 5 minutes but we both end up satisfied).
I lost my job a month ago. Fired for reasons I won't go into detail here, but it feels like it was more of a blessing in disguise. I was able to finally relax and take unemployment as a step back and process everything that has happened in my professional life as I was transitioning from my R with STBXWW to where I am now. I used the time to obviously look for jobs, but I also used it to learn job skills that will hopefully lead me to the true job of my dreams, whatever field that may be. I start a temp job next Monday that will use the skills I obtained in my job before this last one. I am looking forward to it, minus the fact that I have to get up at 430
. Other than that, it appears to be a good job. Where it leads, I don't know. I am going to follow my mantra of not looking too far ahead and work on optimizing my short-term experiences to set me up for success later on.
My R with D5.5 is good. She started Kindergarten and is loving it. We have our rough moments, but there are times that after our rough moments we bond. Currently I am only able to see her on weekends but I hope that as my job progresses I can carve out time where I can spend some weekday evenings with her.
My communication with STBXWW is 85% business. The other 15% comes from her end, where she asks me questions of how I'm doing ("great!"), what I am doing (to which I answer "none of your business unless it pertains to D5.5m or the tying the loose ends of our old finances"), and are you mad at me ("nope"). There are very few moments in which she opens up her heart to me (I do not provoke). One such example was a little over a month ago when I was talking to her about a conversation I had with my mom and how I was able to establish a boundary with my mom and not to discuss anything further since I have said my part and I am not doing to change my mind. STBXWW told me that it me standing up to my parents was something STBXWW wanted for a long time and that STBXWW was not to blame for my not standing up to them. I told her that I know and that I was sorry for blaming STBXWW for my inaction. She started to cry and told me how I have changed so much for the better and that it hurts because it was what she wanted in our time together. I told her that I know and that the man she is talking to me now was the man she wanted but was not able to get because of how I behaved. I told her that our separation needed to happen because without it I would not have embarked on this journey of rebuilding myself. I clarified to her that it was not her fault I got better in spite of her. I told her that once I realized that the security blanket of STBXWW not being there for me to excuses for my behavior was not there, I had to make a change. Finally, I told her that I will always love her. She replied and told me that of course, we will share a love like family. I told her that it's not that kind of love I was talking about. She asked me for clarification and I was not able to answer clearly. I just told her that for everything that I experienced with her, for showing me what love between two people is, is a feeling that will not go away. She cried for a good minute before D5.5 asked STBXWW why she was crying. I told her that it's ok and that mommy had a owie that hurt. I then ended the call by wishing them both good night.
I still love STBXWW. And deep (deep deep deep) down, I still hope for R someday. But I don't know if that will happen. I am not consumed by R as I once was. STBXWW is not a person who I am attracted to She is not the same person who I fell in love with.
Accepting that R with STBXX won't happen is ok. She has changed. I have changed. I have learned that there are people other than STBXWW. My girlfriend for example. She is a great person and I'm excited to see where things go between us.
I am genuinely, truly happy everyone. I would not be this person today had it not been for your love and support. I am sorry that it is taking longer for me to post, but I want to assure you that I am continuing to grow to the man I want to be.
I love you all.
Phoenix... so great to hear your update. Sounds like you are doing really well. It is a big relief when you get through the really hard stuff. Glad you are through yours. (((HUGS)))
Whoa nelly...
Glad to hear from you.
So proud of your changes. And you awareness...you have come so far.
I have many different, conflicting thoughts of advice for you. I don't know what to say at first but mainly I'm just glad you are doing well.
I also cracked up at the D5.5 thing.
Whoa nelly...
Glad to hear from you.
So proud of your changes. And you awareness...you have come so far.
I have many different, conflicting thoughts of advice for you. I don't know what to say at first but mainly I'm just glad you are doing well.
I also cracked up at the D5.5 thing.
Yeah...D5.5 and I had quite the discussion about her turning 5 and a half. She's proud of her age and tells everyone she meets.
Happy to see you're working on piecing your marriage back together. I haven't had the chance to see how you and other folks are doing. I'm wishing you the best in your journey, wherever it takes you.
And please, advise me! That's the purpose of this board, right?
Welcome to the other side.
Oh, my eyes are tearing! Sh!t
We are all really proud of you P! You are shining!
Whoa nelly...
Glad to hear from you.
So proud of your changes. And you awareness...you have come so far.
I have many different, conflicting thoughts of advice for you. I don't know what to say at first but mainly I'm just glad you are doing well.
I also cracked up at the D5.5 thing.
Yeah...D5.5 and I had quite the discussion about her turning 5 and a half. She's proud of her age and tells everyone she meets.
Happy to see you're working on piecing your marriage back together. I haven't had the chance to see how you and other folks are doing. I'm wishing you the best in your journey, wherever it takes you.
And please, advise me! That's the purpose of this board, right?
Hi P,
I didn't answer our question, because I wasn't totally sure. I've thought about it off and on over the months. I was going to say I didn't think you were ready to date. But I think I was wrong.
I hope you are well. How are things on the job front, love life, family life?
Hey ovr (and everybody else),
It's been a long, strange journey since I last updated with everything happening in my life. I was fired from my job from the IT company I was at for a year and a half. The same company I was working when my M was crashing and burning, yes. At the same time, I started to date and found myself in an R with a 39 year old mother of 3 teenagers. Since I last posted, I found work at a contract manufacturing company as a temp worker. I stayed there for four months. Things were pretty good between my (now ex) GF and I. We spent time with each other about once a weekend with me generally spending the night. She met D6 (how time flies) about two months after we started dating. Things were pretty good, but I started to notice a few things about her and my R with her. I'll get to the R details later since I want to finish filling you all in on what has been happening in my life up to this point.
My contract with the company ended just before Christmas with no offer of being hired on full-time, despite applying and being turned down for a few positions. Needless to say, the rejections crushed me and greatly affected my morale and mood going into 2020. In the 5 months since, I have applied to over 100 jobs with getting 10 interviews and eventually 2 job offers. The first one was close to where my exGF lived, the other, where I am working now, is close to where I live. It was a very difficult 5 months. I was spending time applying for jobs, exercising (I was still lifting!), break in to selling handmade photo gift cards, and spend time with D6. I was able to keep it together but the winter weather and the difficulty of landing a job stated to take on a mental and emotional toll on me. I broke down crying calling the local crisis line because I was so hopeless with the way things were unfolding. It seemed like no matter how much I tried I kept failing. My depression fully took hold and I was again fighting what was seemingly an impossible battle. COVID just seemed to make it worse (when in reality, it was when things started to turn around for me as far a job hunting goes). I was able to get a decent-paying job about 30 minutes from my house with (hopefully) an opportunity for advancement after my 90 day period is over. It's a fall from what I used to make but it's not unemployment and I am making enough to cover my monthly expenses. It's early but I feel and hope that my professional life is starting to turn around. I hope that it continues to improve and I can achieve the professional goals I set out to achieve when I left my toxic job (the one before the IT job).
My exGF was going through hardships of her own; her dog dying, her mom's cancer diagnosis, her XH going to jail for domestic assault on New Years Day, raising three teenagers, and school. She told me on numerous occasions that my R with her was good, though I was having my doubts about it and her. That being said, I did the best I could to apply the lessons from my previous M, the advice I got from this board, and other online resources. I made sure that I was the man in the R by leading the family when we were together doing family activities. I even made sure that sex was better and more regular than what it was with my XW. While all of this was going on, I made an effort to move forward from my XW, though there were times in which my XW was on the phone with me in front of my GF and XW would say something that would adversely affect me. My GF was starting to push me into moving into her place but my brain was screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOO!". Her house was always so busy and I felt like I was more of a father replacement than a BF. We would go on dates when we can, but to be honest, it just did not feel right. Things were not clicking into place as I feel as they should. I tried to make it a R that exhibited love, but I just felt that the effort I was putting in was not being reciprocated. Should I have voiced my concern? Yes. It was a failure that contributed towards the end. Instead of communicating to her directly about it, I shelved it and hoped to approach it later. I moved forward with the R and hoped that as time moved on, our personal lives would get better and our R would be able to overcome this and take it to another level.
Then COVID hit. We started to see a lot less of each other and we tried (I tried) to keep our connection going. When I said that I tried, I suggested a video dinner. That happened once and she told me that she already ate dinner and was lying in her bed with pajamas on. So that was another blow to the R. We called each other daily, but the spark was not there anymore. I honestly wanted to end things but felt that I was not giving it the chance it needed. I wanted to see her again and try to rekindle things face to face. Alas, that never came to fruition as she attempted to ghost me but I called her the next day to talk things over and ultimately breaking up mutally.
Looking back, I am happy that I experienced what I feel was a rebound relationship. It validated that I am capable of finding love again. I am going to take a break from dating in general for now. I would love to get out there again, since I still have needs, but I am not in a desperate, post-BD rush to get them. I still have a lot of work to do on myself. I noticed that in my last R I was starting to put aside the things that I enjoyed, like photography, and be complacent doing just enough to get by. I am working on improving my environment around me, like taking care of my house, cleaning, cooking my own meals. I am doing my best to be the best father to D6 I can be. I am working on my anger issues, which flare up from time to time. I am proud to say that I don't have outbursts to my XW like I did, though that may just be due to drifting apart after time. The biggest challenge is with D6 and she is now of the age where she tells me if I need to simmer down. I am very thankful for that, as she is working with me on keeping my anger in check. I am going into my 4th week at my new job and want to make sure I set myself up for success and growth. It is still early as to whether or not I will enjoy working there in the long term, but for now, it's a paycheck that is covering my expenses and is getting me out of the house.
My feelings for XW have gotten to the point where I don't want an R with her. I miss the good memories I had with her. I miss who she was and what she meant for me. I see her now and I am not attracted to her. She is not the same person I loved. And most importantly, she is not the same person I trusted. I share very little personal things with her, though none of it has to do with the way things fell apart or my R with with XGF. There was one day when I was having a particularly hard day and I was crying. She called to ask stuff about D6 and asked me if I was ok. I told her that I was struggling and not sure what I wanted other than the pain to stop. She digs in a little more and shows concern that I may have thoughts of self-harm, to which I don't. I tell her that I am not going to do anything that would affect D6 because she needs her daddy. XW replies that it's not just for that reason I don't want to hurt myself. I told her that I'm fine. I know how it would affect my friends and family and would not subject them to that pain. She then brings up some of the times I was happy, like our M. I told her that it was a happy time, and that it was gone now. I ended the call telling her that things will be ok and that I will be fine. I try not to analyze her feelings and what she says, because it does not change anything.
I hope that all of you are doing well. I will try to resume some semblance of normal posting, but it would be more of me journaling rather than what XW is doing and trying to salvage a dead marriage. I am typing this with a thick, cloudy feeling in my head, so some of the stuff I typed out may not make sense. I will do what I can to clarify things in this post as I revisit you all.
My friend,
it is good to hear from you again. And it appears D5.5 has turned into D6.127 haha.
Check on The Inner Citadel by Pierre Hadot. I think you may like it a lot. I've been progressing a lot with this 2,000 year old wisdom. The best thing I have learned is that you are the one who decides how you take things. Remain indifferent to indifferent things. Realize how much meaning you assign to things and the inner discourse you have. This meal? It is the corpse of a fish. This tunic, the wool of a lamb. Sex? Two people rubbing the bellies together.
Are you guys still locked down? Our gyms opened up 3 weeks ago thank the lord. I was able to snag some decent home gym stuff back in March so I was ok but I've really enjoyed the gym again after this time off. How are your daughter's studies coming? My dad, despite all his flaws, managed to sit down every night with my brother and me to do homework, reading, studying, preparation. It made a huge difference in my life.
Wow, you've really been through some ups and downs this year! Despite it all it sounds like you're handling it quite well and came out of your old R a much stronger person. Glad to hear you were able to find employment, that's a big deal right now!
AS/Ovr,
I'm happy to give you all an update. It's been way too long. We are slowly coming out of lockdown. Fortunately, our county was one of the first to be approved for reopening. There is a restaurant/pub that has been PACKED since restrictions were eased. I myself have not gone to any sit-down place since before the lockdown. I may keep it that way for awhile, at least until I can get more money in my pocket. The gym I frequent across the river opened up and I went back for workouts last week. Being in pain (from muscle soreness), has never felt so good. D6.17 (lol) studies are going pretty well, though I attribute it more to her mom than me. I do what I can, but it helps to have technology make it easier. I'm doing what I can to be more involved and not have her keep to herself while I game/nap/be depressed, but I am making progress.
On that note, I am still working on my anger. Right now, it's mostly venting frustration as a father. That being said, I have noticed how it negatively affects her when I raise my voice and she has been telling me to stop being loud because it hurts her feelings. I told her that I understand how she feels and there are better ways of getting my point across without resorting to a loud voice. It's been a challenge but I am making progress.
As I spend more time with D6, I notice how alike she is to her mom. D6 CRAVES attention from me. Holding my hand while we run errands, asking for hugs and cuddles, sitting with her while she watches TV, and bedtime storyreading while she sits on my lap following snuggling and head-scratching until she falls asleep. A lot of those things were the same things that XW wanted from me when we were together and due to my irritability and feeling like I was being smothered, I denied her. I carry a lot of guilt from that.
I have done a lot of self-reflection since my breakup and came to the realization that I am still carrying a lot of nice-guy characteristics. Though it has been improved when I was with her, I noticed that I still was not communicating my needs effectively. For example, one of the biggest peeves that I considered a dealbreaker was her apprehensiveness to come out to my house where I was going to her place about every weekend. I did ask her why she didn't want to visit and she said stuff about her kids and being close to her mom (she was undergoing cancer treatments). I let it go, but felt like it was a cop-out for her not to visit for one reason or another. I did not push it because I felt like I had other personal issues (like finding a job) and did not want to come across as whiny or petty. Towards the end of the R, she asked me if I needed anything from her. I paused and thought about the visiting part, but felt like it was not appropriate and that my expressing my desire for her to visit me more would express weakness on my end. I told her that I did not need anything now other than to just begin seeing each other again and once we started to do so we can go from there. Looking back, I could have done more, but I was afraid of coming across as controlling. Where would the balance between getting my needs net without sounding overbearing be?
I am really struggling to battle depression. I'm still functional with making sure everything is clean, errands are run and D6 is taken care of, however, I am immensely lonely. I hesitate to reach out to friends and when I game, I play solo. I have an appointment to see someone in early July once benefits kick in, so I'm hoping that I can start getting it addressed.
On the future of dating, I am going to give myself some time to be alone and single for the foreseeable future. I would like to casually date (emphasis on casual) towards the end of the year and go from there. Of course, that depends on how I am doing with life at that point. I am hoping that I will be in a better place then than where I am now. My goal is not hoping to date at the end of the year. My goal is to be a happier self. The dating would be a happy consequence of my self-improvement.
Hey Phoenix, I remember you well. Thanks for checking in.
I'm sure a small bit of your depression might ease when you find you can exercise with regularity again. I know it is helpful to you. While it isn't a cure it is a great management tool and I hope it helps you.
Everything is especially complicated by Covid19, and I do think it is impacting all of our mental well being in various ways. So while you may think it's "just you" (you didn't say that) there are I'm sure effects of the pandemic hitting you in subtle and overt ways.You are not alone in that part.
Also, good on you for continuously battling your anger. I like to think of it as practice. You might slip a bit on some days, but it's not like you have one final end goal you will reach in 2 weeks time. All you can do is continue to practice. You could even bring D6 in on this idea and thank her for helping you in your practice. I think it's good for kids to see that they don't have to be perfect, but they do need to try.
I like the single game plan. I had thought for myself that I might start thinking about dating this summer (separated about 1.5 years now, divorce was final in January). I'm finding that NOPE I'm definitely not interested in that like I thought I might be. And that feels kind of relieving in some ways. I'm loving being single not because I don't like other people, but more because I'm really relishing not having my life habits be subject to someone else's opinion. I like being in charge of my own life, and partnership requires compromise. A beautiful type of compromise, but I'm just not feeling that yet. Let's be selfish for a while and live according to only our own rules and habits.
Anyway, I appreciated this update because it's real. You're doing well and also growing which can be painful.
Thank you Yail. It's hard to figure out if the decisions I am making are healthy and conducive towards healing and growth, or if I am pushing the problem aside and ignoring it for it to come back at a later time. I feel like I have been making small but significant strides with this and everything going on right now.
This week has been a blur to me. I have been mostly involved with work and physical self-care. Getting used to a new schedule has been relatively easy. The only thing I do not like is getting up at 3:45 to be at work by 5:00, though drinking my coffee black has helped make mornings much more bearable. Also, adjusting to an IF (intermittent fasting) lifestyle has helped balance things out physically and mentally. Food is still somewhat of a crutch, but forcing myself to be held accountable for 16 hours has made the food crutch smaller and allowed me to lose some weight. I look back at my photos pre-BD and I respond with an audible "Whoa!" everytime I see myself back then.
One thing that has been a challenge for me to overcome is getting past the events and the resulting aftermath of the loss of my M. I have a lot of regret and sorrow for the way I acted and how those events led to our S. I try not to dwell but in moments of loneliness and solitude, it comes roaring back and I get reminded of the events that transpired. I still hurt at what I lost; love, trust, my friends, a certain security, and a sense of family. I hate coming home to an empty house. Having D6 spend time with me definitely helps though I know she has her own life to live and as she continues to get older she will be creating her own relationships with peers her own age. I am trying to establish and keep my friendships that I have made over the last year, though with COVID it has been more of a challenge. It did feel good to see a good buddy of mine at the local dive bar a few days ago. I told him that I will not be as much of a stranger as I have been and hopefully we can hang out on a regular basis, especially as restrictions are eased.
My exGF called yesterday and we talked about getting together with the girls since they are missing each other. I see her as another possible friend and I think with the pressure of an R off I can create a good friendship. We'll see how it goes.
The healing, as I have stated previously, has been ongoing. Each day it gets a little better, but I would be lying if I said it did not hurt. I am not in agony as I was previously, but I still hurt. I still wonder if I can truly be the man only a fool would leave. I still wonder if I find someone who will love me the way my XW did. This is not a knock against my exGF. I feel like I have put unreasonable high expectations on my exGF and unfortunately the weight of my expectations along with circumstances outside of our control caused things to end. I truly feel like I can love again. I truly feel like my true love is out there, waiting for me. I feel that at the right time, at the right place, it will happen. I hope I am not wrong.
The greatest enemy lies within. Quell the rebellion and do the things that will make you prosper. We all know what they are, the hard part is doing them.
Take care of that daughter of yours. An empty house can be nice in a lot of ways, so focus on the positive.
Keep making friends, male and female, and know that you can be the man only a fool will be, but only if you want to be.