Guys and gals, obviously the usual romantic gifts are a big no-no. Flowers and candy are not going to work for most sitches. Neither is sexy lingerie. If your WAS is in an active A why would you give them that gift to use with an OP? Asking her out on a date? How does that square with time and space?
Here are some ideas:
My favorite: Family night out. You schedule taking the kids out and invite your S along, They'll either come or not, but you and the kids go out and enjoy regardless!
Another good one is to offer to watch the kids so she can go out with her friends. Be careful with this one, most of us don't want to babysit for our S to go with OP. So one isn't for a lot of sitches.
Get your S a gift from the kids.
Get her a gift card for herself to use. Starbucks, etc.
A nicely framed picture of the kids. (JUST the kids.)
Spa day gift cert (this is what I did last year in the heat of my sitch).
Steve I think someone hacked your account and posted a bunch of BS about buying your cheating spouse a valentine gift. WTF??????
You better change your password so that doesn't happen again.
Steve I think someone hacked your account and posted a bunch of BS about buying your cheating spouse a valentine gift. WTF??????
You better change your password so that doesn't happen again.
LOL.....
This question usually comes up. So I assume you don't agree.
I would agree with LH19, don't get a gift for a wife you know is having an affair. Help the kids make a card or something if they need it, but don't buy her anything. I framed pictures for my W (of her and the boys) and got her a coffee shop gift card for Christmas (both from "Santa"), but that's before I knew she was sleeping with OM. I would not have done those things with the knowledge I have now. I will not be doing anything for her or getting her anything for valentine's day or any other special occasion moving forward.
I’m not perfect and clearly don’t have all of this DB stuff locked down. A simple peak at my thread shows that. Truth is I’m a hot mess. Lol!
But...
I’m not buying my H anything for V-day. I’m not spending V-day with him. I’m treating myself to a mani/pedi, dinner, and a movie. I’m buying myself flowers and chocolates. But I regularly buy myself flowers becusse I love them so much.
I also always buy my kids a little something and even send my nieces something. I’ll still do that this year.
My H invited me to dinner on V-day, our normal tradition and I thanked him but declined.
Again, I’m a hot mess and far from a pro but no V-day gift from me. He doesn’t deserve it.
My W is not involved in a A, I had ordered her a custom made book with reasons why I love her. I had ordered it when I felt things were improving, but sadly they have not. The book will remain in my dresser drawer in the event she decides she wants to R then I will give it to her. I feel that given the circumstances it's inappropriate to give a gift, surely she's not thinking of me as her valentine.
Here's my suggestion- go out and buy a really sexy nightie that quite clearly woundn't fit her and isn't something she would wear. Leave it someplace semi-hidden, like just a corner of the box peeking out from under the bed. Then wrap it and put a big bow on it and a note that says "Can't wait to take this off of you!" and put it back under the bed again. Leave it there until Valentine's Day and then secretly throw it away and don't give her anything. No I'm kidding, don't do that. But can you imagine the reaction
Seriously though, I agree with Steve that gifts/ candy/ card are out of the question. JB beat me to it but I was going to suggest just helping the kids to make something for the WAS.
I’m not buying my H anything for V-day. I’m not spending V-day with him. I’m treating myself to a mani/pedi, dinner, and a movie. I’m buying myself flowers and chocolates. But I regularly buy myself flowers becusse I love them so much.
I also always buy my kids a little something and even send my nieces something. I’ll still do that this year.
My H invited me to dinner on V-day, our normal tradition and I thanked him but declined.
Again, I’m a hot mess and far from a pro but no V-day gift from me. He doesn’t deserve it.
Hot mess or not that is all PERFECT. Nicely done!
I’m not perfect and clearly don’t have all of this DB stuff locked down. A simple peak at my thread shows that. Truth is I’m a hot mess. Lol!
But...
I’m not buying my H anything for V-day. I’m not spending V-day with him. I’m treating myself to a mani/pedi, dinner, and a movie. I’m buying myself flowers and chocolates. But I regularly buy myself flowers becusse I love them so much.
I also always buy my kids a little something and even send my nieces something. I’ll still do that this year.
My H invited me to dinner on V-day, our normal tradition and I thanked him but declined.
Again, I’m a hot mess and far from a pro but no V-day gift from me. He doesn’t deserve it.
Ditto. Replace “H” with “WW” and “He doesn’t deserve it” with “She doesn’t deserve it” for me.
I may buy flowers for myself too. All about making positive change right?
I’m not perfect and clearly don’t have all of this DB stuff locked down. A simple peak at my thread shows that. Truth is I’m a hot mess. Lol!
But...
I’m not buying my H anything for V-day. I’m not spending V-day with him. I’m treating myself to a mani/pedi, dinner, and a movie. I’m buying myself flowers and chocolates. But I regularly buy myself flowers becusse I love them so much.
I also always buy my kids a little something and even send my nieces something. I’ll still do that this year.
My H invited me to dinner on V-day, our normal tradition and I thanked him but declined.
Again, I’m a hot mess and far from a pro but no V-day gift from me. He doesn’t deserve it.
Ditto. Replace “H” with “WW” and “He doesn’t deserve it” with “She doesn’t deserve it” for me.
I may buy flowers for myself too. All about making positive change right?
Go for it Phoenix9. Buy yourself some beautiful flowers and if you eat candy some fine chocolate.
Yes, and sign the card, Love you, Jim (or another random name)
Leave it out so he can find it. LOL
Have you lost your mind, Steve? Fever perhaps?
No gifts, cards, no nada! V day is a silly holiday for romantic couples, or maybe for kids in school to make crafts for.
Only spoil, take out, or buy gifts for the most important person -- yourself and you, yourself, and you, thats it!! Unless you have kids, they deserve some chocolate and a stuffy too.
As for your lying, cheating, or neglectful spouse? IGNORE them. Break the friendly neighbor rules, and don't even reply to any BS from them.
This site is starting to pain me a bit ...
Blu
I'm totally spoiling my XW this year for Valentine's Day. I went and got her a big ol ball of nothing. I can give it to her or not, either way she still gets nothing.
How about going down to the uhaul store and buying some packing boxes.... You could even write the cheaters name on them:
"Cheaters Stuff"
My favorite: Family night out. You schedule taking the kids out and invite your S along, They'll either come or not, but you and the kids go out and enjoy regardless!
For those of you with kids, this is the most you should do.
If any LBS wants to look needy, pathetic, and weak - please go ahead and do something for V day for your WS/WAS. If you have kids, the most you should do is support your kids if they want to make something or get sweets. Taking them out with an open invitation to WS/WAS - nope nope nope!
I'm totally spoiling my XW this year for Valentine's Day. I went and got her a big ol ball of nothing. I can give it to her or not, either way she still gets nothing.
How about going down to the uhaul store and buying some packing boxes.... You could even write the cheaters name on them:
"Cheaters Stuff"
Hahahaha! Oh man I usually don't get my daily dose of humor from this forum, but today I did
Have you lost your mind, Steve? Fever perhaps?
No gifts, cards, no nada! V day is a silly holiday for romantic couples, or maybe for kids in school to make crafts for.
Only spoil, take out, or buy gifts for the most important person -- yourself and you, yourself, and you, thats it!! Unless you have kids, they deserve some chocolate and a stuffy too.
As for your lying, cheating, or neglectful spouse? IGNORE them. Break the friendly neighbor rules, and don't even reply to any BS from them.
This site is starting to pain me a bit ...
Blu
Blu you know I respect your opinion. And if the LBS can pull this off fine. But most of us in the heat of our sitch struggle with this. I tend to lean toward the "get her something from the kids" or the family night out options. But gift cards are also not a bad option. Just don't get a cheesy card for it. Just write on the gift card, Happy Valentine's Day.
Happy Valentines Day W.
PS Don't accidentally yell out my name while screwing OM! lol
Steve, I see where you are trying to come from. When suggestions like these are made from coaches, etc., their viewpoint is that you are trying to somehow "draw her back" into attracting her. Maybe the WS had fond romantic memories of valentine's day or something else. Heck, as recently as three weeks ago I posted here about needing to warm up a little to my WW so that I can avoid divorce in the hopes I can attract her again. (Obviously not about that anymore. But that stuff goes into my own thread)
My suggestion would be to approach at your own discretion if you are considering a gift for WS/WAS. It may be good for possible R efforts, it may not be.
The other suggestion of not doing anything for WS/WAS will provide a more guaranteed result:
A better, stronger self.
If you want to celebrate Valentine's day, do it for yourself. Love yourself first. It's what you can control best.
I got my H a birthday/Valentines day card. Nothing mushy just, happy birthday/Valentine’s Day. Hope it’s a good year.
I don’t feel like there’s anything wrong with a card?
He threw a fit when I didn’t get him an anniversary card last year, this mans got a thing for greeting cards.
You get your cheating spouse nothing for Vday. You do not acknowledge the holiday. You do not make nice gestures. You make no gestures. You take yourself out for a nice meal, or get yourself a massage, or a huge box of chocolates and a nice bottle of wine ALL FOR YOURSELF!
Steve, I was joking about the losing your mind and fever, and so I apologize if I offended you. In all seriousness tho, I do not agree with your advice. Even if people are struggling with what to do, I think it's always better to advise them not to do anything. When in doubt, less is more.
In fact one of Sandi's rules includes not to buy gifts after BD. Valentines day is a manufactured holiday designed for romantic couples. If someone has fired you as their S, then it is pursuing behavior to do anything for them at all, even a simple card.
I can see assisting the kids with getting their parent a gift if it's for Xmas or a bday or a holiday where gifts are the norm. But Valentines day? Nope, that makes no sense. And family time is just more cake eating IMO. Once people free themselves of the family time, in house separation, or the forced interactions, is usually when they start to experience some relief.
I vote we change V-day to Singles Appreciation Day. Happy SAD everyone, you guys are the best :-)))
Blu
I vote we change V-day to Singles Appreciation Day. Happy SAD everyone, you guys are the best :-)))
I vote for "Merry 1/2-price-off-candy" eve.
OH SHeeez,
Why didn't anyone tell me about this before I got my WW a NEW CAR?!
j/k.
I'm a bit of a romantic ; process server dressed as Cupid to her work , card & photo of her and OM, a love letter in the form of D papers.
How about some nice imported cheese, nuts and chocolates?
Place them in her vehicle under the back seat or in the spare tire area.
Add one male and one female mouse or rat, and voila! The gift that doesn't stop giving!
Happy SAD everyone!!! I have my chocolates purchased already,,,my kids are going to love them.
Best gift ever for a cheating spouse.... divorce papers. You can include a heart box of candies for effect, but i would go with the cheap drugstore kind. Lawyers are expensive.
Anyone that knows me knows that I do not advocate pursuit and pressure! I was just trying to help people struggling with what to do.
I post this story for your enjoyment
Husband Cheats With Young Secretary, Then Wife Plants Revenge In Mansion Before Moving Out
Sometimes, revenge seems like the most tempting solution to being betrayed by a loved one.
You’re about to read a story that has been circulating online for many years. Readers from all over the world have fallen in love with this urban legend that ends with a twist of sweet revenge.
The story begins with Jake and Edith, who were married for 37 years. Edith was shocked when, after nearly four decades of marriage, Jake dumped her for his young secretary.
As if that wasn’t brutal enough, Jake and his new girlfriend kicked Edith out of her own multi-million dollar mansion.
But in the midst of the bitter divorce, Jake had no idea Edith had a special surprise for the happy couple in their beautiful home.
Instead of playing the victim, Edith hatched a brilliant plan that would come to fruition in due time…
After 37 years of marriage, Jake dumped his wife for his young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi-million dollar home. Since the man’s lawyers were better, he prevailed.
Wife revenge on husband
He gave Edith, now his ex-wife, just three days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.
On the second day, she hired movers to come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished eating, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When Jake returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then, slowly the house began to smell. They tried their best to clean, mop, and air the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters. During this time the couple had to move out for a few days.
In the end, they even had to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
Their friends stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. Even the maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, they still couldn’t find a buyer for their house, which now reeked heavily.
Word about the house got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her of the rotting state the house was in. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly.
She then said that she would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement if the house was returned to her.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 10 percent of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
They even took the curtain rods.
ROFL!!! I LOVE THE LAST LINE!
Me too.
Steve, no worries... we know you meant well. Without this, there is no discussion and it's within the discussions do people find what resonates with them. I'm sure many people will still feel inclined to get their WAS something. Maybe something will stick out and stop someone from going crazy on Vday or maybe it won't.
I'm enjoying the sharing and few laughs to be had. Takes some of the pressure off.
I want to say thank you to Steve, for getting the subject discussed. Of course everyone knows he wisely advises against all pursuit. But there are situations where it's not pursuit and is necessary and that's really helpful. My advice is if it isn't pursuit and needs to happen then you can be appropriate and still make it about you. For example if I had to do it now I could buy flowers because I really like them being on the kitchen table, or buy a better frying pan because I really enjoy the cooking we are doing.