Divorcebusting.com

Therapist Success Stories ??

Posted By: Magicman

Therapist Success Stories ?? - 12/27/18 03:15 PM

In one of two books Michelle has written, that I just completed BTW ,she mentions watching a therapists reaction when you ask him or her the success rate that they have saving marriages versus couples getting divorced...She mentions how you should be able to read the therapist by their reaction to that question....I asked our therapist last night that very question to which he thought for a minute and responded to it and in an effort to not prejudice anyone on this forum I will not answer that till I get some opinions from you veterans as I am a COMPLETE NEWBIE here.. What should I be listening for,what body language should I have expected,etc,etc,?? ,,I think I know some of the answers to this BUT I would love to solicit my friends opinions on this forum before I reveal his answer which I definately will,,,,,Please share your expertise with me gang.....
Posted By: Cadet

Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? - 12/27/18 03:28 PM

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Posted By: Cadet

Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? - 12/27/18 03:43 PM

Unless both parties want to FIX the marriage,
NO therapist is going to be any good.

SO does your partner and do you want to FIX the marriage?

I think that is where you need to listen first.
Posted By: LH19

Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? - 12/27/18 03:43 PM

M,

My MC said she had a 100% success rate when both parties were committed to saving the marriage. Not so good when one has a foot out the door.

Please give us your story.
Posted By: ovrrnbw

Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? - 12/27/18 05:01 PM

Yep, marriage counselors do great when both parties buy in.

Where they fail is in how they tell people to just go share their pain with the cheating spouse who no longer cares about them and just perpetuate the narrative of a needy, desperate, dramatic left behind spouse.
Posted By: Accuray

Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? - 12/28/18 05:52 PM

My MC told me that the majority of people come to MC 2-4 years too late. Usually, one person is already done and is there to:

1) validate their decision to leave by exposing all the other person's issues
2) help the other person to accept their decision to leave with a neutral third party in the room
3) tick the box that they "tried therapy" to maintain appearances with friends and family

In this situation that one person is already done there is probably a zero percent success rate for any MC. In addition, I believe that they make the situation worse because they encourage the "standing spouse" to divulge all their thoughts and feelings which comes across as pursuing behavior.

When one person wants out and one person wants to keep things together, overt pursuit is the enemy.

Acc
Posted By: Magicman

Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? - 01/09/19 09:13 PM

Cadet,thank you for ALL your help it is amazing...I did read two of Michelles books Divorce Remedy as you suggested,and Sexless Marriage BOTH incredibly amazing books...Thank you for that.Magicman....I will check out your links as well....I will be communicating on this board...
Posted By: Magicman

Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? - 01/09/19 09:24 PM

Thank you everyone I will get back to ALL my helpful friends here I want to thank all of you for replying just give me a day or two to tell my story here to everyone...Magicman
Posted By: Steve85

Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? - 01/10/19 04:04 PM

Success is a relative term. For instance, if the course of counseling a therapist finds out that the husband is physically abusive. Is success keeping the couple together? NO! It would be getting that W out of a physically dangerous situation.

My wife and I had successful MC. But that is because as ovrrnbw and others stated, we both were in 100% committed to working on the marriage. She wasn't for the first couple of sessions, but then she got on board after that.

The key is finding the right therapist/counselor. If one isn't working, switch. Too many folks make this mistake.
Posted By: Magicman

Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? - 01/23/19 04:14 PM

Can someone help me understand this ?...Last week after not having sex since late September my potential WAW comes up to me and says lets go make love after sleeping in seperate rooms for over 2 months already ?? It was amazing we both agreed afterward BUT she made it clear to me I am to remain in my seperate room to sleep with no expectation at all going forward to have it happen again so as to not give me any false hopes of reconcilliation ?? Man as a guy thats hard to understand ?? Help me out here..WTF just happened ??
Posted By: LH19

Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? - 01/23/19 04:23 PM

Magic,

We are all human beings with needs. It's at least a sign that your W is not repulsed by you. My ex and I had sex up until the time she moved out.

Take it for what it is just sex. Probably doesn't change anything. If you don't think you can handle it just say no thanks next time.
Posted By: ovrrnbw

Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? - 01/23/19 05:18 PM

Why don't you give us some more details of your situation and then we might be able to tell you more.
Posted By: Magicman

Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? - 01/25/19 11:21 AM

Thank you
Posted By: Magicman

Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? - 01/25/19 11:36 AM

OK here goes I am 62 her 60 both were married over 30 years to other spouses who passed away from cancer..5 kids 5 grandkids between us...Met each other 5 years ago married for 4...She comes to me Thanksgiving and says she wants a divorce..We have a pre nup mutually agreed..She professional gal high profile job attorney in healthcare works very late hours,me retired guy..I know you think she is screwing on the side you think ,,not naieve.. BUT pretty sure not.?? The more I complain about the late hours the more I drive her away..Work seems first relationship second..Many therapy sessions seemingly helping us ?? How do you just decide to make love after months of no love for one night THEN ask me to retreat to my own bed again ?? Crazy.. What else do you need to know or can I tell you ??
Posted By: Steve85

Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? - 01/25/19 12:42 PM

Originally Posted by Magicman
Can someone help me understand this ?...Last week after not having sex since late September my potential WAW comes up to me and says lets go make love after sleeping in seperate rooms for over 2 months already ?? It was amazing we both agreed afterward BUT she made it clear to me I am to remain in my seperate room to sleep with no expectation at all going forward to have it happen again so as to not give me any false hopes of reconcilliation ?? Man as a guy thats hard to understand ?? Help me out here..WTF just happened ??


She was horny.

When my wife was WW (chatting to guys online, perusing dating sites, sending nude photos to EA OM), one night early in our sitch we got in an R talk in bed. This is 2-3 weeks AFTER BD, after she told me she didn't want to be married, wanted to move out, get a job and D. Earlier in the conversation she casually mentioned, like she was asking for a glass of water, that she no longer was sexually attracted to me. She said: "I view you like -name omitted-. You are just a guy a know." The guy she mentioned is a very undesirable guy with some problems. I was livid. After I calmed down and the conversation resumed we got onto how she had been sexually unavailable for sometime. I've said it here before but she isn't orgasmic by intercourse alone, never has been. And even other stimulation usually requires mechanical help to achieve orgasm. I had, at least a year prior, in an effort to help things, purchased a device to help with that. I don't want to get graphic but it was designed to be used during intercourse to help her in that regard. We had never used it. She made it clear at the time she wasn't interested. I brought it up in context that there were things we could try, like that "that we never even used."

She said, "Go get it." Now remember, this is minutes after telling me she didn't see me sexually in the least, even comparing me to someone she wouldn't tough with a ten foot pole.

When I mentioned this story during a consultation with another anti-DB author I paid for a counseling session with, this other writer told me "she's probably as horny as -swear word for excrement-!"

So it could be as simple as she was horny.
Posted By: Steve85

Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? - 01/25/19 12:48 PM

By the way, this other author (unfortunately board rules do not allow me to name her or link to her, or even mention her book) has written a couple of books on the phenomenon that is the walkaway spouse. And how biology plays a big role in it. That men sexually peak much earlier in life. 18-22 years old, and if you as a male remember that period, you were a walking sex machine, ready to have sex with anything and everything that walked and was female. Women peak much later in life, some late into their 40s. But that they are very similar. Her book points out that one woman admitted that she couldn't stand to be around her son's 18-20 year old friends because she was extremely sexual attracted to them and it drove her crazy.

Magicman, I am not saying this is what is going on in your marriage, but the point is that sometimes during our marriage our wives sexual appetites are more than ours, or are similar to the way ours were when we were much younger. It can make it difficult to understand.
Posted By: AnotherStander

Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? - 01/25/19 01:22 PM

Originally Posted by Magicman
OK here goes I am 62 her 60 both were married over 30 years to other spouses who passed away from cancer..5 kids 5 grandkids between us...Met each other 5 years ago married for 4...She comes to me Thanksgiving and says she wants a divorce..We have a pre nup mutually agreed..She professional gal high profile job attorney in healthcare works very late hours,me retired guy..I know you think she is screwing on the side you think ,,not naieve.. BUT pretty sure not.?? The more I complain about the late hours the more I drive her away..Work seems first relationship second..Many therapy sessions seemingly helping us ?? How do you just decide to make love after months of no love for one night THEN ask me to retreat to my own bed again ?? Crazy.. What else do you need to know or can I tell you ??


Has she offered you any reasons why she feels it's time to end things? It seems like you both must be pretty loyal people having each been married 30+ years before, so this does seem odd. Do you think it has anything to do with you being retired and her still working (you mentioned that you complain about her hours)? I've had friends in that situation and it can be quite stressful. Regardless of your response I think what she really needs right now is for you to back off and give her time and space. No more pestering her about her late hours. Remove ALL pressure from her. No R talks. You probably shouldn't be going to MC either, usually the WAS only goes to check off their list of "things I tried to save the M but that just proved it was already over".

LH and Steve are right about the sex, more than likely she just wanted to fill a physical need. It doesn't mean she wants to reconcile. When our MC was trying to figure out why my ex wanted out she asked her if the sex was bad or boring and my ex said no, she really enjoyed it and would like to keep doing it. But she also told the MC she did not want to be married anymore. So yeah, WAS's have a way of disassociating the two.
Posted By: Magicman

Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? - 01/26/19 01:07 PM

Thank you Steve I chalked it up to horny also....She wants it to be "compartmentalized" whereby we screw when she wants to and for now irs nothing more than that my therapist told me that also crazy [censored] huh ? Love your device story BTW,,,LOL
Posted By: Magicman

Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? - 01/26/19 01:12 PM

My MC calls it "Compartmentalization" ability to just screw,forget about it ,and send ya back to your room...LOL..Give her space thing is exactly what I am doing currently...Yes the retired thing bugs me and her we are just currently only in different places daily and mentally
© 2020 DivorceBusting.com