LBS from MLC W

[Liam51]

My first post. I have been reading through these forums and want to first thank everyone for posting their sitch's

No Infidelity - No drugs / Alcohol - no physical abuse... mental maybe but not cruel just little stabs
we each have done. She is wanting out.

It's been 105 days. I did a lot of DB but blew my progress every time. In fact, two weeks ago we were all home due to the weather (Ice Storm, school closed, etc) I just... lost it - screaming - pleading bitching at W for creating this disruption, destroying our family and it being three months and she's done nothing!!!

I said these things - "What the hell am I supposed to do???" with you in your crisis" "You said you were done" "You won't talk to me" (It's not like we were good at communicating anyway the last year) "I have no choice but to be upset and angry with you" "You bring out the very best, and very worst in me right now" etc, etc.

the thing is, our 14 year old (who already knows) heard dad freak out (Me) and W went off on me about it later - she was 100% right for doing so - I ended that day with why don't you just get it done? Make me an offer and I will step aside, etc.

The next day I stepped back into "the model DB'r" have stayed that way ever since and do not plan to
ever lose my cool or argue with her... again - I know and now believe there is no point.

BUT this is soooooooooo hard for me, so hard to do. I can say that
I now am in the early stages of detachment - just beginning to understand it.

Reflection:

Right after Sept 2018 BD. "I'm done" "I'm not attracted to you"

Three months later (late November) "I don't love you"

Today she came to me and said, "I have some updates"

In this order we talked... actually, she talked - I listened and focused my eyes on hers...

"My attorney filed and sent the paperwork today - you will be getting a letter soon" (I guess she chose no sheriff)
so I now wait for the mysterious letter. We live in Illinois... I understand this to be a notice that a petition
was filed?

We talked about our 14 year old son (lots to cover weekly regarding his first year of high school)
who we both love very much - this breaks my heart to know that at some point, this life he has known since birth -
these two people who have been his pillars of strength, learning and encouragement may not all share the same house - I don't believe it will happen if I keep to the DB charts - but this is a very tough time for him.

When I get the letter (Saturday probably) I'll know but I think that is what it is.

November - I initiated an in-house separation and I am sleeping in the basement after I just remodeled it.

Getting used to it - but it's not that comfortable knowing my wife is upstairs in our bed alone. I have
had a few more nights up there since I moved downstairs - not doing that anymore - no pressure.

I am taking her seriously - but I am still definitely in love with her (without question) but I have also been making
progress working on myself for the last two months and I am starting to see the benefits - I stumbled but will stumble no more.

There is no logic to this in my view. If enough time goes by, it doesn't matter what this disruption was caused
by - we probably won't remember much and while I pull away, maybe she will come closer? SHRUG

ME 51 W47
M 17.6 years
1st marriage
Heart Broken but optimistic

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[SoTorn]

Sorry to hear that. Definitely keep DB going. You will get a lot of sound advice here.

[LH19]

Liam,

Sorry you are here but you came to the right place.

Sounds like you are doing DB pretty well after the setback. Just curious on why you moved to the basement on your own?

Who is the OM? I say that because the majority of the time there is one. Is she hiding her phone? Taking it in the bathroom?

Post often and try to stick to the advice given.

[SteveLW]

Liam, sorry you are hear. Your sitch sounds eerily similar to mine. However, I was sure there was an OM because I discovered her online EA (long distance) before I initiated BD.

My first bit of advice....take back the MBR. She wants to leave the marriage so you sleep in the basement? You should, next time you are home and she isn't, take all of her things and take them to the basement. When she gets home and protests you simply state: "You want out of the marriage, YOU can move out of the MBR. I am taking it back." This is a common mistake LBSs make. And it is a beta move. You want to be an Alpha.

No Infidelity

As LH said, this is not usually the case. I have heard of a few cases of younger women (in their 30s) leaving their husbands just to be single again. Most women 40+ do not do this. We have an analogy around here: a monkey will not leap from the branch they are on until they've identified another branch that can support them. I'd keep your eyes and ears open. It is always wise to know what you are up against. Do some recon. Be careful, if she catches you she will accuse you of snooping which can set you back.

Also, you've mentioned DBing a few times. Once in regard to saying "- I ended that day with why don't you just get it done? Make me an offer and I will step aside, etc. " Then you said: "The next day I stepped back into "the model DB'r"" This doesn't make sense to me since a model DB'r would do exactly what you said to her: step aside and let her go. So can you tell us what DB is to you? Have you read DB/DR?

Hang in there, things will get better eventually!

[Cadet]

I have had a few more nights up there since I moved downstairs - not doing that anymore - no pressure.

We do not normally suggest that you move out of the bedroom or the house.

If she wants to leave then she should do that.

[AnotherStander]

I just... lost it - screaming - pleading bitching at W for creating this disruption, destroying our family and it being three months and she's done nothing!!!

Have you read DR? Next up you might want to read No More Mister Nice Guy. Reading through the above and the rest of your post I think you might have NGS (nice guy syndrome). Very common, most of the guys here have it or had it. The book title isn't what it sounds like (IE, quit being nice) but rather talks about how outwardly nice guys are often very passive/aggressive and wreck relationships through covert contracts.

... and she's done nothing!!!

That is a GOOD thing. Because right now, if she does anything it's going to be ending the M. Those are your two options right now- end the M or do nothing. Because reconciling isn't on the menu for a long, long time.

"My attorney filed and sent the paperwork today - you will be getting a letter soon"

She probably did this because she felt like you were demanding that she do something. You need to work on removing all pressure.

November - I initiated an in-house separation and I am sleeping in the basement after I just remodeled it.

Like Cadet and Steve said, you should have stayed in the MBR. You left the throne of the kingdom and handed it over to your W. Also please understand the idea of DB'ing is to REMOVE pressure, to "open the cage door". It's not to kick her out, it's to let her make her own decisions. She wants to stay? You let her stay. She wants to go? You let her go. She wants to leave the MBR and sleep in the basement? You let her. But YOU stay rock solid throughout.

while I pull away, maybe she will come closer?

Not anytime soon. She wants time and space. At first she will be glad you're giving it to her. Maybe way down the road she'll start missing you, but until then you've got to drop all expectations.

[ovrrnbw]

And it's probably Last Resort Time if you get D papers. LRT means:

1. Stop pursuit (any and all)
2. Get a Life
3. Wait and See.

[Liam51]

It's been quiet today... no letter came as indicted from first post but it will come probably tomorrow.

BTW - we have both lived in the same house for 17 years. I am self-employed - home based- W is also home based. If neither of us are out visiting customers, we're both home.

W's "known resentment points"

I have not put much money in our joint account since 2007 - but pay our family car expenses, all of our family
outings, misc items including big ticket items for our home - Phone bill and 30% of the food we buy in a year.

It's about her paying for 63% of everything including mortgage and me paying for everything else.
If I bought gifts for her for any reason, she would say "Why didn't you just put that in our joint account?"

In 2010 I began demanding that we have weekly (or at least one for starters) meetings. It did not matter to me what we would discuss but I wanted to establish a framework and safe zone to talk about our finances...or anything! This request was refused - with the exception of two times I can remember where it ended in "Get a real Job" and my thinking was that she just wants me to be reliably supportive of the household in her way. She does all the work to pay everything and balances the checkbook to the penny. I am aware of what I have done and not done while also knowing that some part of me says our entire marriage of nearly 18 years is disintegrating over finances.

I was really depressed at the end of Spring 2018 - stopped doing all my household chores and tried so many times to reach out to her. Three years ago, Dec of 2015 - I announced to W and S at dinner "I have accepted an offer for a long-term contract position because it's what I have needed to do for a long time" W's expression changed and my S looked at me carefully, waiting for me to continue. "This will make me a better man, a better husband and a better father"

Four months later, (April 2016) I revisited the meeting idea with W. No change. "You have a steady job now, why have you not put $ into our joint account?" My reply was "I'd like to begin to lay out with you how and what we're going to do with our money". No change in W stance - no meeting, declined walks around the block and no dates. Utter disdain.

At that time I was also working on some software and the company exploded. The partners wanted to buy me out.
There was only one person I wanted to talk to about this and it was my W. No meetings! This was something that I wanted to share with her and get her sound SuperSnif expertise on. To no avail. I often stated at the end of these meeting request's I was making (nearly in tears) "If it's important to me, it should be just as important to you"

I ended up selling out, but probably could have received much much more if I would have talked to her and she to me.

On two occasions in the last 5 years the D word was thrown out there.

At one point I said, "I am the lesser earning spouse"

I have no savings/retirement/ or much cash and have recently began funding a college account for our S. I have said, "you're worth half a million in 401K and savings... you will have to give me half or we will squander it on legal fees fighting each other"

The thought of this makes me sick... I do not want this to happen any thoughts about good things coming from a settlement like this are evil.

If the D advances beyond petition - then equitable distribution rules take over. There is a system in this state and I will insist we follow it. That's heartbreaking too.

I am processing - I read Michelles books in September. I read TDR twice. "Revolutionary" I thought "Counterintuitive" this is good stuff! I just have to get good at using it.

Right now - our marriage is dead now but I have asked God for His help. I am praying every day and night for my W - and for our marriage and family - fervent prayer - and I know and believe that nothing is over until it is.

[Liam51]

The idea of in-house separation (as it pertains to what I stated) actually came from a call that I had with a DBC. It made sense to me. Reading your post - also makes sense to me... and I would do it in two shakes of a lambs tail.

However, the actual bed in MBR is hers!

She bought it before we were married and before we knew each other (Yeah I know, it's old and needs to be replaced- eeeesh)

I could still do what you suggested and buy a new King bed for the MBR.

This would definitely upset her - but I see what kind of "upset" that it would bring on - truth - fact and righteous
so she would see the reason without it going down as another mean thing I must have done.

Closet too? That might take me an entire day.

[Liam51]

Thanks to all the people in here - ALL of you - for all you do for others and the suggestions/advice - seems as though this is all very healthy and wise communication here. Again, I am grateful for the place.

[SoTorn]

I am on IHS now. However, my WW moved out of MBR. MBR is mine. IHS [censored] man. Badly. WW will be gone a week and I feel great. I see her when she returns and what, sadness, anger and resentment.

My WW has even lawyered up but she hasn't filed. WW thought I was going after her, smear campaign etc. Shes not worth the effort.

[Liam51]

I think it’s always worth the effort when you love someone. How to handle things in the “disruption phase” is my greatest struggle right now. Getting used to a counterintuitive approach is the first step for me. It’s going ok.

[Liam51]

A flicker of light. W accidentally saw me practicing and performing in my studio on Sunday afternoon. I was dancing in a care free but familiar way and singing at the top of my lungs jingle bell rock . She let out a laugh and a contagious smile while she was looking at me. It seemed as though I caught her totally off guard . I kept my rigid composure but cracked a quick natural smile, stopped what I was doing and made sure that she knew I noticed her moment of vulnerability ...

This was the first glimpse of anything that I feel I could build on to go forward someday. The only way that she could’ve done this or felt this way is from the softening of the heart which has been hard to do because she has been so depressed and angry. I am still beating myself up for badgering her and pushing her two weeks ago.

Taking that first legal step might not of ever happened if I hadn’t pushed her because she is inherently a procrastinator and this would’ve been no exception, I believe. I can tell that she is still confused even though she has said she wants D.

Still no petition letter has arrived and I am ignoring the feelings that it may come today or tomorrow or the next because it’s heart wrenching to know that the legal process detailed on a piece of paper will be the next phase of this drama .

Detaching and learning what that’s about. Thanks for the advice is everyone,

Heartbroken but strong and reverent to the things that I know I must do if I’m going to survive on the path to R.

[SteveLW]

Liam, please be careful about weighing every little thing your W does or says as being positive or negative. First, you will never know for sure and it will give you false hope. Second, it will keep you attached.

Do what you do and she'll either notice or not. Who cares? But until you can stop looking over your shoulder at her for a reaction you will make no real progress.

[AnotherStander]

The only way that she could’ve done this or felt this way is from the softening of the heart which has been hard to do because she has been so depressed and angry.

I'm sorry to say but this is quite common with WAS's. Sometimes they "forget" they are a WAS and let their guard down briefly, but unfortunately it means nothing. Sometimes a LBS will see this and do a temperature check and get BD'd all over again. Pull back, give her time and space, work on you.

[Liam51]

Understood. This reaction however was a total surprise - "that girl" I used to know appeared - even if it was for only a couple minutes... but yeah, I get what you're saying.

[SoTorn]

Liam. It's not worth the pain you will go through to pursue her. Listen to what everyone says here. These people have been to hell and back again. All WW/WAW act the same. It's like a script they read.

Yes it's very helpful that you can focus on yourself and be happy. Keep that up. But if you weigh each tiny experience alone as a positive sign you will hurt yourself emotionally by getting drawn in.

They dont just snap out of it. Focus on DB. Focus solely on yourself. It's very counterintuitive feeling to do it. You will want to jump at any sign of your old W. But you detaching yourself from who she is now will protect you emotionally, make you stronger and a better person. It "could" also draw her back in.

My WW was full on ignore mode. Like full in her room listening to love songs, I wasnt even a thought in her mind. I started GAL hardcore. I started getting the "you look good today, where are you going? Where were you?" Questions. She started cooking dinner again. She started coming downstairs more instead of just sitting in her room. My WW is still in her A. But she still isnt coming back to me. Shes just filling the void from me backing off.

I let go of my WW. Yes I still love her and will withdraw emotionally from her. But I have decided I need to move out. WW being here and her being in an ongoing A is a dealbreaker for me. It's too much disrespect in my face.

Since I told her I'm done and need to get away from her she has really picked up the communication and asking me why I want to move out etc. Its because I'm a huge convenience living here and when I'm here she can have her cake and eat it too. It's not because she wants me to stay.

I told her that actions are louder than words. Told her that even if she told me she loved me and wanted to reconcile it wouldn't mean jack because her actions dont match. Probably shouldn't have said that but she wanted to keep talking.

You have to let them go to get them back. You have to be ok with risking everything to get them back and accept that you may just be single.

If my WW started showing consistent and positive actions along with proving her A was over, sure I would probably slowly prod her to see if R was truly an option. I would love to stay married. But my W is gone.