Help with detaching/responding - DivorceBusting.com

I've found the DB approach to really resonate with me and I'm working hard to stop my pursuing behaviors. The questions I have right now are:

1) I'm working on not texting/emailing/calling her during the day, but we have 2 youngish kids and I am frequently needing to make contact about kid logistics. Does this still come off as pursuing? How do I get around this?

2)I'm not going to say "i love you" again, but she said it to me the other night (after an awkward semi-date that was tense and awkward because I was not in my right mind) and I didn't respond- but now panicky that I did the wrong thing by not reciprocating?

Background: married 11 years, 2 kids. In CC 4 years ever since she came forward saying she was "disconnected" from me, which turned into confessing to an EA, which, 3 weeks ago she admitted was a PA (claims they had sex only once and has had only professional contact since then. I made her send an email to AP saying she wants no contact which she quickly agreed to) It's very confusing for me becuase she shows up to therapy (we've been in it 4 years!!!) but has been lying/deceiving/distancing the whole time.
Help is much appreciated.

Hi there-
I have 2 questions as a newbie who is working on GAL and detaching/not pursuing
1) We have 2 young kids and I find I need to reach out to her for kid logistics (or some other logistical matter pertaining to our informal separation) every day. Sometimes more than once. DOes this count as pursuing? I'm not sure how to get around it...

2) I'm not initiating saying "I love you" anymore, but what do I do if she says it to me? She did the other night, after an awkward and tense evening, but I didn't reciprocate and now I'm not sure if that was right or wrong...

Background- we're in couples therapy but physically separated since 3 weeks ago when she confessed that her previous EA was actually a PA (though she claims they only had sex once)
Thanks for your help

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Thanks so much- I have read DR and am specifically stuck on the how to respond to her acting loving towards me, and also how to handle the need to communicate around logistics of separate lives with 2 kids

We have 2 young kids and I find I need to reach out to her for kid logistics (or some other logistical matter pertaining to our informal separation) every day. Sometimes more than once. DOes this count as pursuing? I'm not sure how to get around it...

SF,

We need more of your story. Ages. How long married? Who moved out and why?

Background: married 11 years, 2 kids. In CC 4 years ever since she came forward saying she was "disconnected" from me, which turned into confessing to an EA, which, 3 weeks ago she admitted was a PA (claims they had sex only once and has had only professional contact since then. I made her send an email to AP saying she wants no contact which she quickly agreed to) It's very confusing for me because she shows up to therapy (we've been in it 4 years!!!) but has been lying/deceiving/distancing the whole time.

When she confessed that she'd been lying for 4 years I went crazy/screamed at her and rented an apt for the month. Since I've been working to be 4Cs and we've been each taking half time at the apt.

Help is much appreciated.

Post more details when you get a chance, but to answer your questions:

Originally Posted by SJSF

1) I'm working on not texting/emailing/calling her during the day, but we have 2 youngish kids and I am frequently needing to make contact about kid logistics. Does this still come off as pursuing? How do I get around this?

The rule of thumb is try to avoid initiating a lot of contact, but it's fine to respond if she contacts you. But yes, if there are kid logistics then it's OK to contact her about that. Just don't use it as an excuse to contact her 10 times a day.

Quote

2)I'm not going to say "i love you" again, but she said it to me the other night (after an awkward semi-date that was tense and awkward because I was not in my right mind) and I didn't respond- but now panicky that I did the wrong thing by not reciprocating?

Similar to the above, you don't initiate it. But if she says it then it's fine to say it back. There's obviously going to be a very awkward moment if she says it and you don't. Assuming she's a real WAS which is hard to tell from your brief info so far, you don't want to ask her out on dates anymore.

Quote

In CC 4 years ever since she came forward saying she was "disconnected" from me

Do you mean marriage counseling? For FOUR YEARS???? Wow. If she's two feet out the door then you should discontinue MC. MC is pressure and she doesn't want any pressure.

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claims they had sex only once and has had only professional contact since then.

If I had a dollar for every time I've heard that on these forums I'd be president instead of Trump

It's AMAZING to me that WAS's own up to one lie (a secret affair) but then think they can minimize the damage with another lie (it was only once). I'd say it's very likely "once" is a gross understatement.

Quote

I made her send an email to AP saying she wants no contact which she quickly agreed to) It's very confusing for me becuase she shows up to therapy (we've been in it 4 years!!!) but has been lying/deceiving/distancing the whole time.
Help is much appreciated.

Are you sure she didn't resume contact? My money says she did, but went deeper undercover with the A. Why? Because that's what lying cheaters do. They are like drug addicts, they can quit for a while but then withdrawals kick in and getting back on the nasty train is the path of least resistance.

Thanks- I can�t know for sure if she�s telling the truth, but she came forward with a timeline that detailed their relationship from before anything inappropriate through the sex date, and afterwards where she confessed to additional (limited to professional) contact. She admitted to lying/minimizing the contact they�d had. I can�t know for sure but it�s the most info I�ve gotten out of her after asking MANY times and forcing her to hand over her phone/email for me to inspect (prior to me starting DB�ing)

Yes, 4 years of marriage therapy (started when she said it was an emotional affair so long ago)
I wouldn�t say she�s 2 feet out. More like half foot out. Won�t say with certainty she wants to work on it but also shows up to therapy- even expressed being annoyed when the therapist cancelled today.

She is maybe more of a MLC than WAW. Started YEARS ago...in fact, although we're in crisis now (becuase she just confessed to the cheating) I think she may have confessed becuase she's actually been coming out of the MLC if that makes any sense? Of course now we're back to square 1 with zero trust and me in a panic/working to GAL...

I am dealing with a very strong desire for revenge (Wife cheated on me and lied about it being "just emotional" for YEARS) I am struggling with GAL and feel like the only way I can get her attention is if I go OUT- like to a club or bar or dance party or something where there's at least the possibility that I could get revenge. I feel like most of me knows this is a bad idea, but some of me...doesn't care? Please talk me out of it?

Dude..... slow down. First keep every thing to one forum thread so we can keep track. 2nd take a breath, you sound like you are in panic mode. Sure, go out to a bar, dance party, etc but don't do it for revenge. Where is that going to get you? Do it to GAL (get a life) don't hook up with some woman, don't get inebriated. You are not GAL to get attention, you are GAL to help you improve your life, to get your mind of your sitch.

Think of your sitch like quicksand, you are thrashing and struggling and you are just going to sink in deeper. Stay calm, cool, and collected. Troubleshoot your way through this without making drastic movement. Move slow and deliberate. This is hard, probably harder than anything you have ever done. One way or another you will make it through it, be it with W or without.

Beat this into your brain. Say it over and over again until its second nature. Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.
Another saying I use when dealing with W is "assume the worst and hope for the best."

Originally Posted by Twofeet

Dude..... slow down. First keep every thing to one forum thread so we can keep track.

Sorry about that- I thought different threads for different issues/questions, otherwise it doesn't match the subject/title

Originally Posted by Twofeet

Think of your sitch like quicksand, you are thrashing and struggling and you are just going to sink in deeper. Stay calm, cool, and collected. Troubleshoot your way through this without making drastic movement. Move slow and deliberate. This is hard, probably harder than anything you have ever done. One way or another you will make it through it, be it with W or without.

This is a really helpful reminder. Thanks. And yes, I am thrashing and panicking. I'm not showing her that, but that's where I am.

SJSF,

I still think about doing what you're doing when it comes to going out and hooking up. Believe me, if there was an opportunity for me to proceed I would have quite the fight and I would probably give in.

That being said, do not do that just as an act of revenge. You're better than her. You can be. You WILL be. It's going to take a lot of time, but I hear that the journey is worth it.

I have merged your two threads together. Please stick to one thread until you have reached 100 postings/replies. You can change the title within your thread at any time.

Originally Posted by SJSF

I've found the DB approach to really resonate with me and I'm working hard to stop my pursuing behaviors. The questions I have right now are:

1) I'm working on not texting/emailing/calling her during the day, but we have 2 youngish kids and I am frequently needing to make contact about kid logistics. Does this still come off as pursuing? How do I get around this?

2)I'm not going to say "i love you" again, but she said it to me the other night (after an awkward semi-date that was tense and awkward because I was not in my right mind) and I didn't respond- but now panicky that I did the wrong thing by not reciprocating?

Background: married 11 years, 2 kids. In CC 4 years ever since she came forward saying she was "disconnected" from me, which turned into confessing to an EA, which, 3 weeks ago she admitted was a PA (claims they had sex only once and has had only professional contact since then. I made her send an email to AP saying she wants no contact which she quickly agreed to) It's very confusing for me becuase she shows up to therapy (we've been in it 4 years!!!) but has been lying/deceiving/distancing the whole time.
Help is much appreciated.

1. If you don't want to come off as pursuing, make sure you are not pursuing. It's all in your attitude and tone. Well, words matter too but you, I, and everyone knows what is pursuit. Just don't lie to yourself. It's easy to do when you're going through something like this.

2. If she says ILY (I love you), you can say it back. Just don't beg and plead and say ILY.

"Professional contact" means not getting involved in EA's and PA's. It's past that IMO. Lying to the therapist is normal, almost expected at first. How long have you been doing therapy/marriage conuseling?

Also,

If you so desire another woman, get a divorce. You are being emotional and childish by responding to an affair with an affair of your own. You need to calm down, get your mind and body right, and be who you really are. Don't let other people make you act like a turd.

Originally Posted by Cadet

stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

Part of my welcome post.