New chapter....with or without her

Here�s my last thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2818194&#Post2818194

The last 3 years has been a personal hell living in a constant state of uncertainty. For 2 and a half my W stood by me as I thought we could navigate our lives through it and the move onward and upward. Sadly she elected to pull the eject button.

I have made gigantic strides the last 6 months in becoming a better man, father, person....and husband. I�ve been able to overcome and learn to control my anxiety and depression. I�ve lost 80lbs and established healthy eating habits, gained my self confidence and respect back, have learned to be outcome independent and self reliant. Today literally feels as it�s the first true day of my new life...

I haven�t informed WAW of the news of my case. I will let that come from her counsel. I don�t know what the future may hold with my relationship with w....or if I would even entertain R. All I know is that I now have full control over my life, and DB has been instrumental in getting me to a point where I am centered and know I can face whatever life throws at me. I do believe that I need to allow D to be complete....and fully free W to get thru her journey on her own terms. I will continue to up my efforts in DB�ing.

I will continue to post my journey here and make a better effort to post on others sitch.

Thank you for linking your threads!

Journaling

Now 2 days since I got one of life�s �pivot events� that has changed my entire outlook of what my life looks like moving forward. I do believe that god works in mysterious ways thru people, and I�ve had a few interactions with friends and acquaintances that seem to be trending in a positive direction.

I�ve had 2 headhunters reach out on some intriguing job opportunities which I wouldn�t have considered 3 days ago. I plan to put myself out there and give them my due diligence as it could elevate my career into a Sr level role with a multi b organization in my field.

Met with IC today and she said my demeanor was the calmest and most relaxed she�s ever seen me in 2 and a half years. Realizing the weight that has been lifted out from under me I have this serenity I�ve not felt in a LONG time. She firmly believes W was anticipating another outcome with case dismissal that would have allowed her to make a play at potentially getting full custody of s. No more.

Not sure or care if WAW has heard my news, just assume so as some of my friends are aware who�s wife�s are close with w. Interesting fact is everyone that I�ve told....1st thing they say is how much they would pay to see W expression when she hears about it. I just say I can only focus on my journey and path, she can go in hers. Reality will finally set in that she is forgoing half of S�s childhood now. Could be the first truely �pain� event for W since BD that could cause her to get out of the clouds. W still is grasping to have any semblance of control over me...whereas she now has none.

GAL activities today include gym, taking dog to park, attending an anniversary dinner with friends.

You are an inspiration. I truly have no idea how I am going to do this.

Banjohe,

Thank you for the kind words! I will read up on your sitch...I�m sure you can do great. DB�ing has really helped to get me to a positive place which was terribly dark just recently as a month ago.

Journaling

GAL activities today:
1. 4 mile run
2. Met up with female friend that�s been thru divorce...did a trail walk in park, talked D process, etc.
3. Went to gym to lift
4. Attended meetup group. Met some new folks.
5. Chiefs-Cinci game

WAW attempted to come over again by leveraging S...shut it down.

Looking forward to upcoming week.

Feeling the most confident I�ve been in 3 years.

So since my 180 of my request to attorney to get D finalized, it�s been deathly silent from her counsel. I met with attorney this morning to review proposal to bring D decree to a close. I also advised A to inform WAW counsel about my other situation where case was thrown out. Lawyer was in agreement that W and her attorney were anticipating other outcome in which she would have been able to make a play at full custody. He then asked if W were to reach out to me and see about R what would I do....I honestly can�t answer that now. I have fully let W go and I�m content with the man I�ve become. My continued growth and active DB�ing has given me full confidence that I�m going to thrive moving forward. And if a possibility of R were to present itself.....one of the things I want that W couldn�t give me is more kids. She lost that due to her playing roulette with her body one too many times. One of the things S wants more than anything is to have a sibling...and moving on with someone else could give me and him that opportunity.

As it�s been said often on these boards, it�s amazing that by time if a WAW starts to come back to the MR...the LBS is the one that is done. That�s where I feel I am today.

I truly now feel as if the tables have turned and everything in my life is on the up and up. W on other hand is stuck in her resentment, her actions, and choices that now make her to appear very selfish, spoiled, & bratty. Or just a plain A$$Hole. Definitely not someone who deserves a chance with me.

GAL activities today include 6 mike run, lunch with an old friend, divorcecare group, and bike ride with S after school.

So a day after meeting with my attorney to put a plan in motion to finalize divorce, WAW attorney subpoenas my former employer for my employment records. It has gone from wackado land to banana land...I guess they are now going to attempt to present me in a negative light and will try and use anything to throw at a wall. I will stay above the fray and let my attorney handle.

It�s very clear WAW was banking on getting full custody of S....and now that is essentially an impossibility. She got shoddy legal advice and now her attorney is trying to save face....while also milking her for as much $$ as she can. W choices and actions now are solidifying herself as pure evil. Any thoughts about R are done with....I let her out of the cage and now she�s flailing. She is someone who had full intentions to take my S away from me. That is how I will view her. Her WW/MLC behavior is coming out on full display now that she�s not getting her way in essentially everything. She has also put S in the middle and continues to use him to serve her wants. Documenting all of it in case D now goes to trial.

While is frustrating that it appears W intends to drag D process out, I realize I�m truly detached. Yes I was a bit surprised to hear news about the subpoena, but after about 10 minutes I had moved on to other thoughts and GAL activities for evening.

I do know that I definitely need to keep my guard up and will be very hesitant to have any communication with W that isn�t traceable. All fact of the matter until everything is done. I�ll continue DB�ing my A$$ off, maintain my humility, gratitude, empathy, and faith.

Ready to get the next chapter started...ready to start seeking the next Mrs. Ez...ready at a chance to grow my family in the next few years.

As in NMMNG....my mantra is no matter what life throws at me, I�ll handle it.

GAL activities this weekend are very centered around S and making it a memorable one. Yesterday picked him up from school and we went to finalize his Halloween costume. S used his imagination and created his own super hero costume. He is now electric man😎. Spent evening attending our community trunk or treat event. Met up with some old couples friends whose kids are good friends with S. My GAL activities included 7 mile run, coffee with mentor, networking my professional contacts.

Today GAL plan is to take son to pumpkin patch, scheduled trail bike ride with another old friend and his S, and go watch nephews ball game so S can see cousins.

Sunday GAL plans are going to church with some new friends that have gone through D with brunch afterwards, going to S�s best friends house to watch football game while S can play, then having my folks over to grill out and carve pumpkins.

S has clearly been feeling the brunt of this split....and W has only fueled his hurt, anger, and demeanor. S confided that W continues to say negative things about me. I believe even at his age, he�s seeing the light and he will carry resentment towards her actions into his adulthood. Just need to be his rock.

All indications point to D process carrying well into 2019. Expect a lot can happen...W is a lost soul and has finally feeling the negative results from her choices. I will continue to AMOAFWL.

Tough morning...

Wife sent email regarding exchange of vehicles as I have been driving hers and vise versa. I have held firm in my expectations that she needs to return my vehicle which is much nicer. She has relinquished until now but is trying to change up our agreement last minute.

She continues to get shoddy guidance from her attorney after her long term strategy blew up in her face....which was full custody of S. I now fear her attorney is just racking up WAW legal fees to try and save face. In typical WAW fashion, she is kicking and screaming now that she�s not getting her way. Ironically she starts to cc her attorney as to �tattle�...as things escalate and I hold firm on our agreed arrangements.

One of the things that W continues to harp is getting access into our marital house. I have agreed to let her come over in which I intend to gather the items she is wanting. She has made a big deal that she wants to go around the house herself. This wouldn�t be an issue, but I have confirmed that W has had contact with a PI and my trust is shattered as to what she may try and plant, etc. I may be crazy thinking this....but I have to go with what I know and want to protect myself. I have nothing to hide, but it�s been a huge rub on her for the last 3 months she hasn�t been able to get into the house and I�ve cut off any access to our shared accounts (cable, internet, Alexa) that I�ve heard could be hacked into to serve as listening devices.

So now I have to meet up with W tomorrow in what will be the first time in 5 months where S won�t be present.

I�d like to get the boards feedback on how I should approach? I know we each have a lot of pent up anger and animosity towards each other. Some of her actions and words are straight up evil, but I know if she is in MLC I can�t take them at face value. I know I need to treat her as a cashier....but also know we have to come to a space where we can Co parent together.

Another issue that was brought up over weekend when I met up with old friend who�s wife is friends with my W, he mentioned that he wouldn�t be surprised if W were having other thoughts on D. I tried not to let that effect me....but I�m human and the thought that MR could have a heartbeat at this point baffles me. I don�t know if I would or could as a lot of damage has been done. Could I ever trust W again?

Any guidance is appreciated.

I�m past the point of temp checking...but is this an opportunity for W to connect? I have no expectations at all now and have completely given it to god....but also don�t want a wasted opportunity to pass me by. My personal development has grown so much....and I believe I�m at a time where maybe a risk is worth taking?

EZ, if you have to question yourself whether or not you should make a move, you should not. Work the process. If W is still moving forward then that should be a sign that she intends on getting the D done.

My attitude is...YDGAF. It's all about you and S. W wants in, she can get in.

As far as the trust issue goes, it depends on your feelings. I personally would be extremely guarded. Come to the board and ask us first before you make a move. Good 2x4's have helped and will help you in dealing this this.

Finally, ask yourself:

Is it worth risking yourself getting hurt on a maybe/maybe not?

Should I have someone else present while she comes over?

We are at a pretty intense moment where we both have dug our heels firmly into the ground.

I asked my attorney to present them an agreement so we could proceed with D....and it�s had no response on that request...only small item issues.

She wanted D....it�s just not going anywhere how she envisioned it.

Originally Posted by EZdozit

She wanted D....it�s just not going anywhere how she envisioned it.

Make her work for it. Hard.

So W has been sending a bunch of pics of S tonight for a trunk or treat event.

I�m having a tough time. I know no expectations....

�S looks great!�

Copy and paste and send. Done.

You�re welcome.

So yesterday was one of those days that I got caught in a reflective state where I let my head run over scenarios in how to handle interaction with WAW. I shook off the cobwebs after talking with IC. I�m going to maintain my boundaries and not allow W into home. I intend to gather the items she provided in a list and will have them in a box at front door.

I realize W is not the person I married....is not the women I fell in love with...and is someone that planned to cost me everything.

I will hold firm and not deviate. She made these choices....she can live with her choices.

Quote

I have made gigantic strides the last 6 months in becoming a better man, father, person....and husband. I�ve been able to overcome and learn to control my anxiety and depression. I�ve lost 80lbs and established healthy eating habits, gained my self confidence and respect back, have learned to be outcome independent and self reliant. Today literally feels as it�s the first true day of my new life...

WOW!

Well my meet up with WAW went about as I expected...

She was mad I had all her items that she wanted at the front door. There was one thing that I couldn�t find and I let her go to the basement...she goes off the rail saying it took her years of asking me to clean it and now that she�s gone it�s spotless. I just say I can�t change the past.

She blamed me for �trashing her car�....which I detailed this morning. She then claimed the the Jeep wasn�t safe to have S in....yet it�s been ok for me to drive him around in last 8 months??

She then proceeded to gaslight our entire marriage saying how it was all bad and now I�m being unreasonable with everything. I just validated saying sorry you feel that way.

She then gave me a skoaling look and tells me �your getting everything and I�m getting nothing�. It was a look and stare where I used to give her a smirk in return. I once again validated and remained calm.

I then said it�s unfortunate that her attorney in racking up her legal fees on petty issues. She then turned it around and made that my fault...

Long and short WAW mentality of gaslighting and blame shifting any and everything back to me.

I let it roll off me like water in a ducks back. Lol.

W then left while giving me a huff. I just smiled and said enjoy the rest of your day.

I feel like I handled the situation pretty well. Any feedback from board is appreciated if I did something wrong??
The fact the W had that much frustration and anger still tells me she cares.
Fact is that nothing is going how she envisioned and is throwing a huge tantrum that she no longer has any control over me.

Felt good that I didn�t let her anger or emotions impact my mood. I was centered the entire interaction.

I continue to DB...
GAL activities included 5 mile run, Divorcecare group, wash and detail my old �new� car.

Another thing that I found interesting...

My dog who is 12 years old didn�t even get up to acknowledge W when she came over. It�s just interesting because W left our dog behind too and I do believe dogs have an instinct when they know someone abandoned them.

It's good that you remained calm.

I noticed a couple of things you could improve.

1. "I'm sorry you feel that way" is not validation.

2. Stop touching her car. Even to detail.

3. The comment about her attorney was unnecessary and baiting.

Thanks for the feedback Rose,

To clarify we did a car exchange as I was driving her car for the last 8 months while she was driving mine. Today we switched. I just wanted to make sure prior to exchange of vehicles that I would be giving her car in good clean, working order. She still found a reason to get mad...

I agree my comment about her attorney was probably unnecessary....but I failed to mention she started by telling me my Attorney was incompetent....for not responding petty issues.

I guess I need to revisit the validation thread..

Journaling

Since meeting with WAW a couple days ago, there has been a marked increase in interaction between us...some contentious...some surprisingly friendly. No expectations either way.

As I suspected she pulled her attorney into the vehicle exchange terms after the fact and tried to manipulate that the exchange was breached due to �appearance� of her car. I kept to the facts, responded that her or my opinion doesn�t deviate the terms that were agreed on. I fully expect she will take it somewhere and try to stick me with the bill...yawn.

On S front, I texted w to see if I could take him to a hayride event some friends are having on Friday evening, which would be her night. I offered her one of my days in exchange...she promptly replied and agreed to allowing me to take him as long as I could bring him to her place after event and not take one of my days. Said she hoped we have fun. This is now 2 times I will see her FTF this week....more than last 7 months.

Took S trick or treating last night and ran into some of his friends and parents from his old school. Exchanged numbers with a mom and a dad to organize future play dates with the kids. This is a huge deal for me as I had been at a marked disadvantage in setting up play dates or activities that S can do with his friends vs. W. While in MR...she was the organizer of these things and I didn�t really know any of S�s friends parents, etc.
Another win was the loads of candy S scored. Said it was his best Halloween ever!! Felt good to continue to develop GAL activities with S that aren�t strictly him and I.

Another development is some of the increased attention I�ve gotten from various single women. One from my divorce care group particularly asked me to dinner. The attention is nice, is a confidence boost...but not sure I want to go down that road yet. It does give me further assurances that my life is going to be awesome either way.

Originally Posted by Rose888

1. "I'm sorry you feel that way" is not validation.

This is directly from the validation thread.

And from this we learn two things:

It's been awhile since I read the validation thread.

I disagree with this part of the validation thread. 🙂

Maybe I read it using the wrong tone, but this doesn't come across as a statement that validates the feelings or perspective of the other person. It's like trying to pass "I'm sorry your feelings were hurt" off as an apology.

Journaling

Tonight was an awesome GAL event with son. Went with some new friends who invited us out to their land for a hayride, s�mores, a fire pit, and hotdogs. Awesome time with S. There were 6 families and kids ages varied from 2-13. S started a dance competition with several girls and he has the future of being a ladies man....

WAW texted 7 times and tried calling 3 times during event to change up scheduling at last minute. Didn�t respond to calls...just answered one text about change in time we agreed to do drop off. W had last minute plans with work colleagues for a dinner function downtown. I just view the extra time w/S as gravy.

Took S to W place and she was 15 min late. He started asking why mommy wasn�t home, etc...

I just said she had traffic and was behind schedule. (Huff)

W shows up and seems to be tipsy. I kept my distance while S displayed his excitement for the fun he had tonight. I got back into vehicle before W could initiate further dialogue...just said have a good evening.

Since getting home have received 3 texts from W raving about fun S had....I haven�t replied.

GAL activities tomorrow include a new men�s group I�ve joined...6 mile run, dinner with friends....and a �date� ??

Excited for weekend.

Question to the board...

I�ve taken my approach with SM up a notch since my life has opened up. FB posts has seemed to liven up W.

Since I have posted 2 GAL activities....W mirrors. Just an observation,

Is this normal?

BTW....I hate SM

Hi EZ,

First, want to acknowledge the dog comment. There's a similar element in my sitch and while the dog hasn't seen H in almost 2 months, and I do feel she would still be excited if he appeared, I am very surprised at how well she seems to be doing with him not coming home at all. Sure the first few days she kind of seemed to be expecting him, but after that it's pretty much been normal. I really hope she "gets" it too... I talk to her all the time and tell her I'm sorry this happened to her too, but that we will be better together, haha. Dogs can absolutely get depressed and grieve and I'm so happy this doesn't seem to be the case for us. I have also been making sure to spend more time with her to make up for the other half of interaction that's now missing and hoping she's just thinking "wow mom's really awesome!"

Second, SM is really a whole other wrench in dealing with these situations. It's way too easy for things to become a "game". Although I know a lot of other elements or our sitches feel like that too. I guess it just adds on is what I'm saying, but I do agree with what's been said in other threads about SM also being helpful toward socializing and detaching, if you can control the other parts that are distracting. It just [censored] to even have to think about, especially if before you both participated jointly as many couples do.

For me it's totally changed my social profile "personality" and where I would normally share regular updates about things happening in my life, obviously nothing has been bigger than my sitch so I've kind of gone radio silent. I have seriously considered whether I would even fully "rejoin" in terms of fully participating/actively posting again... I almost feel like it's one form of a "life" that is going to be immortalized as it is today, and if I wanted to be active again that I would even rather just create a separate, fresh account vs. having to hide/delete all kinds of things from the past 10 years on the current account. But I'm just not worrying about it for now. In my case I'm still kind of marinating in what even just happened.

Definitely a downfall of SM, it saves every memory you give it!

TJT,

Completely agree that SM is a bit of a game. I actually very rarely post anything (maybe 4-6/yr) the last 3 years or so and only keep it active due to some old friends I still like to see what�s going on in their lives. My w is similar in which she doesn�t post often to SM, so do see it�s all a game.

I believe at my stage everything my WAS does she parlays into trying to keep any semblance of control over me. Exactly why she changed up her schedule last night and then shows up 15 minutes late. She�s grasping at straws now that I�ve fully taken my b@lls back from her and returned back to the alpha version of myself I once was.

A bit of journaling:
W sent another text this a.m, asking to come over again to get a coat for S. I�m certain he has one at her place. I had already left for my men�s group but happened to have the coat S wore last night in car and offered to bring by. W said ok but then asked what I was doing and what I had planned for the day. I ignored and just said I would have S coat dropped off while they would be away while getting some allergy shots. Left on her back porch. More interaction last 5 days than last 5 months. No expectations. Continue GAL activities and keep her out of it.

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She�s grasping at straws now that I�ve fully taken my b@lls back from her and returned back to the alpha version of myself I once was.

Music to my ears.

Quote

W said ok but then asked what I was doing and what I had planned for the day. I ignored and just said I would have S coat dropped off while they would be away while getting some allergy shots. Left on her back porch.

Good job!

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More interaction last 5 days than last 5 months.

Of course! Why? See below:

Quote

Continue GAL activities and keep her out of it.

Plus, the biggest, most attractive thing is getting those b@lls back!!!

A bit of journaling:

The tide seems to be trending in my favor in a lot of fronts. W reached out to me yesterday on 3 different occasions on irrelevant things in which she knew the answers to. Only responded with resending her a copy of auto insurance card without any text. She replied with a big THANK YOU!!! and a smile/wink emoji. It�s definitely noticeable that she has become more submissive since last week�s interactions.

GAL activities yesterday included gym, church, and on a whim decided to go to Italian restaurant by myself and listen to a live band in the city when I started feeling a bit lost in my head. It was fairly entertaining and good to stay out of house.

3 interviews lined up this week...

Working hard to find the gratitudes in what�s all transpired the last 7 months. Having difficulty in some areas particularly with WAW. I�ve put everything into gods hands as my faith has definitely been a defining life change since BD has sharpened. Possibly my emerging struggle is due to upcoming holidays??? FWIW...I will keep my mindset to be outcome independent and not backtrack.

Originally Posted by EZdozit

A bit of journaling:

The tide seems to be trending in my favor in a lot of fronts. W reached out to me yesterday on 3 different occasions on irrelevant things in which she knew the answers to. Only responded with resending her a copy of auto insurance card without any text. She replied with a big THANK YOU!!! and a smile/wink emoji. It�s definitely noticeable that she has become more submissive since last week�s interactions.

GAL activities yesterday included gym, church, and on a whim decided to go to Italian restaurant by myself and listen to a live band in the city when I started feeling a bit lost in my head. It was fairly entertaining and good to stay out of house.

3 interviews lined up this week...

Working hard to find the gratitudes in what�s all transpired the last 7 months. Having difficulty in some areas particularly with WAW. I�ve put everything into gods hands as my faith has definitely been a defining life change since BD has sharpened. Possibly my emerging struggle is due to upcoming holidays??? FWIW...I will keep my mindset to be outcome independent and not backtrack.

All good stuff. One sign my sitch started to turn around was when my W started to contact me about trivial things like she did early in our R, and like she hadn't done in a long time. Either she didn't feel connected to me to do those things. Or she didn't feel safe. Or she was going to someone else. Didn't matter, the fact that she started again was huge.

EZ I always caution LBSs in your sitch to be careful to accept this as proof she is ready to R too soon. Keep DBing. Don't let your guard done. I take time and consistency for her to show she has changed for real. Otherwise it could just be one big temp check.

Yes I�m definitely not even close to believing anything she says or does. My sitch is she had full intentions of taking my S full time at at least 90% custody it her plan backfired. Through lots of prayer and grace...I know I have to have forgiveness and in time can get there....I guess this time of year really hones in my gratitude.

Her attorney is also making some maneuvering that I won�t get into too much in this board....but it�s a disgrace. And that also keeps my current reality on the straight and narrow....as at the end of day my W approved it.

Originally Posted by EZdozit

....I just say I can�t change the past.....I just validated saying sorry you feel that way.... I once again validated and remained calm....I let it roll off me like water in a ducks back. .... I just smiled and said enjoy the rest of your day....Felt good that I didn�t let her anger or emotions impact my mood. I was centered the entire interaction...
I continue to DB...

This is all perfect.

Originally Posted by Rose888

I disagree with this part of the validation thread. 🙂

Maybe I read it using the wrong tone, but this doesn't come across as a statement that validates the feelings or perspective of the other person. It's like trying to pass "I'm sorry your feelings were hurt" off as an apology.

My X would call me an A$$. I would respond "I am sorry you feel that way". It is better than escalating. There was some discussion in the past about agreeing vs validating. I lean toward the agreeing now.

Maybe validation is validating that we hear them rather than agreeing with their POV.

So a bit of journaling and questions to board:

The interactions I�ve been getting from w have continued to increase significantly. This morning alone she has FB messaged me on 8 different issues, emailed twice, and now texted. The issues mostly have to do with scheduling upcoming holidays, S cub scouts, and sale of house...but she is making attempts to have further ftf interactions between us. She even asked if she could hang out with S this F and bring him to my house (Friday is my time). My responses to her are brief and matter of fact.

I won�t take my walls down for a second...but knowing my W it has always been her mo to hint around the edges on stuff versus being direct. I obviously didn�t know how to interpret a lot prior to BD and won�t pretend to know in her present MLC state otherwise I don�t believe I would be here. The constant has been she�s coming to me, asking my thoughts....and being somewhat submissive.

As Steve mentioned, she seems to be coming back to me on things that she hasn�t for the last 8 months and I know I need to be really careful that it�s not just one big temp check.

I have worked really hard to insulate myself with DB�ing and don�t want to show any form of vulnerability.

For 7 months we have hardly seen each other, communicated only on items pertaining to S, and she has only shown disrespect, vindictive behavior, and coldness towards me. I do believe that reality is hitting her in the face now...and underneath she is now a scared little girl who�s afraid of her actions and choices.....none of which are turning out how she envisioned.

I�m human...I�m having an internal struggle on how I move forward? I didn�t want a D...still had a speck of hope for a long while...but finally let her and the idea of an intact family go 3 week�s ago.

Everyone IRL has told me to drop her like a bad habit and move on....everyone IRL gets baffled that I would even entertain R...but I know at the end it has to be me that makes that ultimate decision...otherwise I won�t be able to make peace with myself.

Please hit me with any 2x4�s if I need them....

Some of this could be me projecting....but I feel as if I�m approaching another crossroads.

Originally Posted by EZdozit

The interactions I�ve been getting from w have continued to increase significantly. This morning alone she has FB messaged me on 8 different issues, emailed twice, and now texted. The issues mostly have to do with scheduling upcoming holidays, S cub scouts, and sale of house.

Now ask yourself EZ does that sound like someone who is having second thoughts? Just keep moving forward. If she changes her mind you will know.

Thank you LH..

Originally Posted by EZdozit

Everyone IRL has told me to drop her like a bad habit and move on....everyone IRL gets baffled that I would even entertain R...but I know at the end it has to be me that makes that ultimate decision...otherwise I won�t be able to make peace with myself.

Be very careful with advice from "people IRL". Usually these are people that care about you and want you to be happy. They will have a problem staying objective. They know that working towards R will prolong your pain. Their goal is to see an end to your pain ASAP. Anything that delays that they will be against. I've read a lot from a lot of different anti-divorce experts, and the one thing they all tend to agree on is to not tell "people IRL" about your sitch. And most of them tell you that for this very reason. Their advice is going to selfish, one-sided and without objectivity because they are too close to the sitch.

I think I told you already but there was no sudden turnaround in my W. There as no big moment where she made a grand proclamation "I've decided to R!" It hardly ever works that way. Usually the WAS will start to change small things. Like you said, things she didn't do for 8 months, she will slowly start doing again. Rarely do we get a big bang event.

So just keep DBing. As AS told someone else, ease up just a tad on the "space and time" and make yourself a little more available. But resist the urge to pursue. so many WAS have come sniffing around only to be sent running again when the LBS applied a little pressure.

Let it happen naturally. Organically. If you try to force it then it will come crumbling down.

Thank you Steve,

Yes I do realize everyone IRL that has watched me during this transition has my best interests at heart and doesn�t want to see me go though what I�ve been through again. That�s why I grateful to have this community to get sound advice.

Along with holidays, I failed to mention S�s birthday is also coming up in December.

I know I will tread carefully, but when W initially left, she said she wanted to continue to do these as a family. I�m of the opinion that is cake eating....and having separate holiday/birthday celebrations are a part of D. I know others have different thoughts on how to handle these...but at my S age I don�t want to give any confusion or false hope.

We have only done 1 event as a family since BD when it was still fresh...and I got twisted up myself. Maybe being open minded to doing one of these is what I need to do to be a bit more available.

Marathon not a sprint...won�t change up my DB approach and try to force anything.

GAL activities include 7 mile run, gym, group meeting, dinner in the city.

Originally Posted by EZdozit

I know I will tread carefully, but when W initially left, she said she wanted to continue to do these as a family. I�m of the opinion that is cake eating....and having separate holiday/birthday celebrations are a part of D. I know others have different thoughts on how to handle these...but at my S age I don�t want to give any confusion or false hope.

Are you sure you are not trying to use that as leverage for her not to D you? Getting together a couple times a year will not confuse your son.

Journaling

Not a whole lot of change on my sitch. W continues to sniff around the edges and reaching out on stuff that is not essential or she already knows. Another week and radio silence from her attorney. I continue DB�ing my A$$ off.

One interesting thing I learned was W�s long time BF that lives in Europe filed for D around same time my W filed. Not that one has to do with the other...just crazy how D seems to be the latest �trend� in a lot of W social circle. Oh well...can�t control or concern myself about it.

Have S this weekend and last night he had another breakdown asking why we all couldn�t live together. This was prompted by him finding the last professional photo we took as a family roughly a year ago that I recently took out of its frame and had placed inside a side table in MBR. I plan to make an effort this week to gather remaining family pics and box them up so they will be out of site.

Plan GAL activities around son after gym. Plan to do Santa visit today....earliest I�ve ever done to try and get a leg up on Xmas shopping planning. Also to try and establish new memories for S and I. Play date also planned for late afternoon at a trampoline park so kids can get energy burned. (Our first snowfall came and it�s freezing!). Then movie/pizza night..watching latest marvel film.

Tomorrow GAL include church and brunch with friends/gym/then doing complex Lego build project with S.

Bit of journaling:

Starting to embrace being a single dad. Kept S and I busy all day yesterday.

I trimmed up S hair (always do myself) so we�d look awesome in our photo shot w/Santa.

Did the Santa exhibit and while there, received a lot of compliments from mothers (many single it appeared) on how S and I had our outfits close to matching. I decided that I will use as a Xmas card...which will be first time in 12 years.

Keeping S in the now all day helped him from getting into the doldrums. Need to keep at it.

Interesting day...

The daily reflection I read daily was resounding regarding my sitch:
Non-attachment doesn�t mean that you get rid of your spouse. It means you free yourself from wrong views about yourself and your spouse. Then you find that there is love there, but it�s not attached. It�s not distorting, clinging, and grasping. The empty mind is quite capable of caring about others and loving in the pure sense of love. But any attachment will distort that.

Journaling:

W continues to sniff around edges, but took it up a notch today. Called me today (completely a change from new norm) after she picked up S from school and asked if they could come over to pick up some hot wheels for S....(Hot wheels??). S has an arsenal of cars at her place. Just said I had GAL plans and wouldn�t be home. W then asked about my plans and how I was doing. After attempt to stop by tonight fell through W then says she left her heaviest cost at house and wants to pick up tomorrow...but makes a point to see and ensure if I could be there.

My walls are up at max capacity.

Question - Without projecting her possible intentions, any suggestions on what I need to look out for? I maintain no expectations...

On a bright note...GAL included men�s group, 7 mile run, gym to lift. Also met with IC and she said I looked like I was in my mid twenties now...was nice to hear.

Received another note from S teacher regarding his behavior that both W and I were copied on. Turns out he fell apart and cried on 3 separate occasions yesterday. W promptly responded saying she would ask S about the �incidents� and then replied that he was upset about missing a mathematical lesson cartoon while he was getting extra help with some spelling words...

S�s teacher replied making the statement that she was surprised that missing a show was his concern and had many other thoughts as to what might be troubling him. I let this response set with me for a half hour so I wouldn�t react to harshly...as yesterday while taking S to school he tells me he is afraid to talk anymore and wants to be shy since W and I live in 2 different houses. (S use to be boisterous and full of life pre BD).

I then replied back including W that S�s behavior wasn�t anything regarding school...but his life circumstances..and I refused to sugarcoat it and make random excuses like W continues to do.

I feel as S is in a dark space and my efforts to be his rock has been sound...but fear what he gets told while with W.

I continue to keep w and I sitch separate from being a father to S...but I�m struggling how to navigate this. S has lost all semblance of innocence he once had.

I would highly suggest you get him with a good child counselor. This is all too much for him to deal with on his own, and likely he is past trusting you and his mom on any of this.

Steve

We had s see an IC back in May. W had chosen therapist without my consent and when I went in to do my consult, it was abundantly clear that therapist had a preconceived opinion of me before I ever had a chance to talk. I informed that I wasn�t comfortable with the IC and told her I wouldn�t continue to support taking s to her. W refused and continued sessions with s....and 7 months later....s has regressed further.

Journaling:

So my Attorney reached out yesterday for first time in 3 weeks. He requested that I review the decree that I asked him to move forward with so he could present to W counsel. I�m struggling mightily in having him proceed. I know his purpose is to facilitate and protect my interests, but fear that could stomp out the vibes I�ve been getting from W of late. I hate the attorneys only complicate things and create another buffer in navigating. I�m going to tell him to ease back and let Thanksgiving week go by. The objective originally was to try to push to complete by close of 2018, but that won�t happen now. I guess a form of cake eating from my end is I�m getting some dental work completed while I�m still on her health plan so that�s a plus.

W has continued to reach out via methods that she hadn�t for months with calling me and asking to come over for various items. Next week S is off school entire week so we will have FTF interactions on at least 3 occasions. Several other events including both my s and my birthday come in the next couple of weeks. This morning S also asked me if mommy and I get back together if he could have all his legos in one house ....out of the blue.

I do feel I am in a vulnerable position right now. I have become outcome independent and know I will be ok if D gets completed. Yet I also look at my W after all that�s been said and done over last 8 months...and still have love for her...it makes me sound crazy... I still love the idea of being an intact family. I have a growing urge to try and lay out my thoughts to w.....but also know that pursuit would be fatal to have any chance at considering R at this stage. I mention this on this forum as my thoughts are just that. I do question if at this point I�ve become centered enough and detached enough that it�s something I lay out as I know I�m finally on a clock...

At a crossroads at what I do next?

Bit of journaling

Weekend has been busy. GAL activities included 7 mile run, Saturday morning men�s group, IC appt, and dinner with friend.

Today did church, plan to clean house and remove all marital pictures, gym, then watch some NFL.

IC senses W is completely lost and scared since I�ve gotten my alpha back and has absolutely no more control over me. IC also believes W is now regretting her actions and doesn�t know how to react to all the changes I�ve made in such a short timeframe and believes she is finally realizing what she�s losing. Advised it was critical I really take it one day at a time now. Showed IC pic of me from March vs now...I�m literally 2/3rd of what I use to be...and feel great at 170lbs.

On Friday W tried to manipulate parenting schedule to favor her. I held my grounds to maintain our planned schedule. W then tried to persist in placing S in middle again as a pawn about seeing her extended family. I replied that S and I deserve so much better then her garbage she�s continued to pull and my family is just as important etc. I then advised S was walking on the eggshells I did the last 3 yrs and it needed stop. W replied and acknowledged her behavior and agreed she was in the wrong...(1st time she�s apologized in 8 months)

My days continues to be better....many more good ones vs bad. I still think about W often...but I now have the tools to set those to the back-burner.

This week plan to start meditating and feel good in my solitude.

Met W at her place tonight for child exchange.

1st time I was welcomed inside her place in 6 months. W first comments upon welcoming me in was how she thought I looked good. S was lounging with some Netflix show....no shoes, etc. I greeted him with a huge hug and then asked him to get shoes on so we could go.

S than says he has to take a #2.

W and I are then left alone.

W starts asking all sorts of questions as to who I�m hanging out with...what my plans are, etc.
This is the 1st time GAL activities and �as if� methods have yielded results.
I essentially had to divorce my entire friends/group since DB.
I just say my church family has welcomed me in and I have embraced it.
Didn�t provide any more details, etc.

W than asked to have exchange on Thanksgiving with S so he can see both of us. She then pulled a stunt in asking about S birthday party planning while S was present. I had conveyed that we wouldn�t be doing these events together. I just said to call me and we would discuss.

Upon leaving....I noticed she stayed at the window looking at us leaving.

Feel good in how I handled myself.

To the board...any advice?

Sounds like you are doing well.

I do feel like the momentum has shifted in my favor if that is a thing.

One thing I failed to mention about yesterday�s interaction has me feeling some guilt today.

W had asked that I bring her heavy coat from the house since we�ve already had a couple of snowfalls. 3 week�s back when she came to the house one of the items she had asked for were Xmas stockings that her deceased mom had made for all of us...one which said S�s name, one that said Mom...and one that said Dad. During that exchange, W and I had argument in which she threw the Dad stocking at me as she told me to keep it in her anger.

I later asked if I could give it to her for her father to have....given that her mom made it. She refused and said to keep it.

So back to the exchange yesterday, in the bag that I had brought her heavy coat in I discretely put the Xmas stocking at the bottom. I felt I needed to given the fact it was an item her mom had made for us. It was just another reminder of what�s gone.

I feel guilt in the fact that I�ve realized I have never really had a chance to grieve the loss of her mom myself. Shortly after her death, my life was flipped upside down as BD occurred and it put me into survival mode. I feel guilt because her mom was also a mother to me and I was very close with her..she was my biggest advocate. I don�t know if W will take this as an insult...but do feel like in order to move forward, I need somewhat of a clean break and want to start fresh with new holiday traditions for S and I.

Maybe I�m making this more of an issue than it needs to be...but woke up this morning just reminiscing....grieving....W mom for the first time in 9 months.

EZ, first, well done. Sounds like you are doing great. Just keep up keeping up.

One slight criticism.......

Early in my sitch I had a tendency to gauge everything I instituted based on her reaction. Let her go to get her back? I started letting her go, but always kept one eye on her reaction and actions. The anti-DB expert that was providing me guidance (note, this is NOT MWD), told me to avoid the temptation to gauge the state of things based on what my W said and did. Whether it was second-to-second, minute-to-minute, or day-to-day. I equate it to being like a long term investment. You don't track a long term investment day-to-day. You do it over a long period of time. There will be lots of ups and downs in the short term, long term trend is the key.

So stop focusing so much on whether or not GAL and/or "as if" is having an effect on her. More importantly is it having an effect on you?

Thank you Steve,

Yes I see that I did put a lot into her reaction and took away from the focus on myself. I guess this is due to how infrequent our FTF interactions occur along with this being such a positive one for the 1st time in several months.

I keep it driven that this is a marathon and not a sprint....I just feel like I�ve been training so hard and it finally seems like I pick up a new PR more frequently.

Journaling

Had S for from Monday evening to Wednesday afternoon. Kept a busy schedule and wrapped up yesterday by going to the new Creed movie (we both wanted to start training afterwards!! Excellent movie btw)

W tried calling me a couple of times during this time..I didn�t answer and she didn�t leave a message. Yesterday morning she called right at 7:30 and I ended up answering. W hemmed and hawed about her day, my plans with S, then took off topic and started an outburst going into concerns she has, how my �pride and ego� are now my biggest flaws, how she doesn�t think it�s fair I have S half the time, etc. I immediately cut W off, saying I wouldn�t stand her talking to me that way especially with S in background. Then said if she would like to discuss her concerns at a later time when S wouldn�t be around, then we could talk, but my expectations would be it had to be in a civil manner.

During phone call I did offer to bring S to her place after movie, which was a huge favor for her so she wouldn�t have to come across town during rush hour...as we would already be out and about. When S and I arrived at W place, she acted as if she if she never had outburst earlier and said how appreciative she was that I brought S to her. W then offered to let me spend some time tomorrow during Thanksgiving with S. This took me by surprise...but do feel gesture was made knowing that I had made Thanksgiving plans elsewhere. I�m considering modifying my plans and taking her up and pick S up for a bit. Either way...there seems to be a �thawing� from both W and I in conducting ourselves with regard to Co parenting....so I�ll take that for what it�s worth. We both aren�t trying to make things more difficult then they need to be...and it will be vital for S going forward regardless of MR.

Today...of all days going to really hone in my gratitudes and give thanks. It�s been a $h#t year....but I sure have come a long way.

EZ,

Why on earth would it not be fair for you to spend half the time with your S? Sometimes I think these WAS walked away from their brains.

Also is there anything you can think of that you are doing that would bring out the pride and ego comment?

TF,

In my W mind she felt that she needed to be entitled to an 80/20 split when she originally left as her perception of me was that of a man child not being capable of �adulting� (her words)... I fought that from the outset and she met with her attorney and agreed to 50/50. Her intent was that she was just waiting on her anticipated outcome of a legal situation I had going on for 3 years to leverage primary custody of S. That plan backfired when my situation was completely dismissed. Now she has no leverage and everything in writing and in our official parenting plan outlines the 50/50 split. It�s taken about a month for her to finally come to this realization.

The pride and ego comments are a result of the boundaries I put into place with our marital home. She had made these rules up when she left and I have kept true to them that I would have complete responsibility for the sale of our home and how to market it, etc. Now she�s trying to change those rules up and I�ve held firm.

What�s ironic is the more firm I�ve been in keeping my boundaries in line..the less she�s pushed back. A noticeable change especially the last couple of weeks.

Good progress EZ. Where is the D process at currently?

Journaling

Yesterday turned out to be a great Thanksgiving in what I had anticipated to be horrible. 2 week�s ago I had no plans, wouldn�t have my S, and my parents were out of commission as my mother had knee replacement surgery and was still in hospital.

Exchanges with w have been �thawing�of late. W has been asking more questions about what I have going on, who I�m hanging out with, how have I met so many new people, etc.

W offered to let me pick up S yesterday morning so I could spend time with him. I changed my morning plans and texted W that I would like to take S out for bike ride since it would be 60 degrees out. I think she was surprised that I took up her offer as I originally was going to meet some friends to play football.

I ended up picking S up at her place and we went to a local park where there�s an awesome trail that loops around a lake. S and I had a blast as we did our first gravel ride. We also witnessed some guys that were flying a high dollar ($2.5k) 3D drone doing all sorts of crazy stunts. They had gathered a sizable crowd as they got a bit cocky as one shouted to take it up a notch....well that resulted in said drone to have a crash landing...lol. As one of the observers stated...well we just watched the joy and agony of flying those things in the matter of 2 minutes. Long winded story but I maximized the 3 hours of time with S and I know how much fun he had as his smile was back to the days of old pre BD.

When I went to pick up S, my FIL was at W place helping with yard work. It was the first time in 8 months that I have seen him. I was cordial..but didn�t go out of my way to make discussion with him. He asked how my mother was doing..I replied ok. That was that. (It will be very hard for me to ever have respect for him in future...as he made some choice comments to me when I made mistake of reaching out to him prior to W leaving marital home)

I took S back to W place early afternoon before W�s planned Thanksgiving meal at her FIL friends place. This was the most engaging exchange W and I have had in 8 months. W was friendly and asked about our bike ride as S was gleefully explaining our fun adventure. W then started asking all sorts of questions about my �new friends�, how I�ve been doing all these new GAL activities, etc. I just kept my answers brief, but cordial. W then made comment about how my birthday was coming up soon and S and her would be doing something for it..(shocked it was mentioned). W kept wanting to engage further but I said I needed to leave so I could get over to my �Friendsgiving� in time. I wished W a happy Thanksgiving while she was trying to continue our conversation....she seemed perplexed and then wished me the same.

Friendsgiving was a great time. It was with a group of dads that have also gone through D. Meal was celebrated with some that had kids with them, others without. Some are in new relationships...others are still fresh. Definitely has been an awesome Grouo of guys that has an understanding of what D entails.

W texted me 3 times over course of afternoon/evening asking questions she already had answers to. She offered to bring S over to my place early as it�s my weekend. I replied that would be great.

I maintain 0 expectations....but the change in W demeanor and treatment towards me continues to be consistent. My walls remain on high alert. This week we have had 6 FTF interactions...more calls from W than at any point last 8 months..and increased text exchanges.

I plan to just continue to approach her as D will happen...but live my life as I chose and be happy in the moment and take the small wins in stride. I truly feel at peace with myself right now and sense W sees it. Ever since I honestly dropped the rope and keep an ADGAF mindset I feel free.

Overn,

D has not had any progression in months. We haven�t had any court hearings...we have temp orders that neither of us are adhering to. Her attorney hasn�t been responsive to mine. I�m not pressing mine at the moment either.

Collaboratively we likely have $12k in legal fees accrued...and nothing.

Journaling:

Had a decent day with S today putting up Christmas decorations. Had a nice day weather wise so was able to do outside lights and then decorate Christmas tree in the evening. Picked up new stockings that S picked out. Came to find that W had taken a lot of the decorations when she moved out.

Other GAL activities included a 6 mile run at gym, men�s group, and walking the dog while son rode his bike.

One item I found while getting Xmas decorations out was a journal that W had started writing in 10 years back. I couldnt help myself from reading her journal entries from 09 until 2013. There were only 20 entries during that frame as W would tend to pick something up but never stick with it....however some of them were reveling as to her mindset during that period in which I would have never of known. It�s crazy that I reflect back at those moments in time and didn�t realize how she truly felt. A common theme was she felt alone. And I feel horrible I wasn�t present enough to recognize it at the time.

I won�t beat myself up over it...as what�s done is done...but man was that a slap in the face as to see the roadmap in what has led to my current reality.

Originally Posted by EZdozit

A common theme was she felt alone. And I feel horrible I wasn�t present enough to recognize it at the time.

I won�t beat myself up over it...as what�s done is done...but man was that a slap in the face as to see the roadmap in what has led to my current reality.

ALWAYS remind yourself that adults need to ask for what they want. It is immature/childish to "want" something to be granted without having to ask, it is almost part of the teenage/childlike definition of "love." Did she ever tell you she felt alone and you simply ignored her and went away?

Marvin,

They were entries in her personal journal...but no she never did convey those feelings to me during that time. I do feel like both my W and I were at fault in failing to outline our needs from each other like many folks on these boards. I believe a lot in that life was happening...work, school, raising our s, that took away our focus on each other.

One bit of positivity that came of finding journal was she had an entry on how she found my smile irresistible..as she challenged herself in finding more ways to bring the smile out in me. I�ll be the first to admit that I didn�t have a lot to smile about the last 3 years..but it has definitely returned in a big way in the last month! I know she sees that as well.

Journaling

So today is my birthday. We had blizzard like conditions yesterday so S school got cancelled. I feel as if it was the best present I could get that I get to spend today with S. We have made forts with our blankets and bed sheets and have had a blast! We will continue to make this day special by doing things together out of the norm.

W sent me a happy birthday text exchange this morning which I didn�t expect to get. She also sent a FB friend request and I�ve recieved 4 HB wishes from some of her friends....which have been absent from my life the last 9 months. I won�t pretend to read the tea leaves....but I will continue to tread carefully and take things at face value as they seem to trend upwards.

On another front, I have garnered some interest from a women I was introduced to at church. She knows my situation from my friends as she also went through a similar situation with her H. We talked last night for a couple of hours...about any and everything. I don�t think I�m at a place to where I would have an interest in starting a relationship....but damn...I got the feels in which I haven�t had in years in talking with her....not since I first met W. I know and expect the 2x4�s to come for that...

I�m feeling at somewhat of a crossroads. I�m feeling as I�m starting down the path of being the LBS that won�t take WAS back....not yet 100%...but 98% there.

Glad to hear you were able to connect with the woman at church. That probably feels amazing! But be a good, strong man and let her know that you won't do anything inappropriate while still married, and that you appreciate her friendship nonetheless.

Also, I'd respect your W's privacy and return her journal to her. She may not be comfortable with you reading it.

Happy Birthday EZ!

Originally Posted by EZdozit

On another front, I have garnered some interest from a women I was introduced to at church. She knows my situation from my friends as she also went through a similar situation with her H. We talked last night for a couple of hours...about any and everything. I don�t think I�m at a place to where I would have an interest in starting a relationship....but damn...I got the feels in which I haven�t had in years in talking with her....not since I first met W. I know and expect the 2x4�s to come for that...

No 2x4's but just a reminder that you're a man that just came dragging out of a desert of inattention. You're so dry and parched that any sprinkle of water on your tongue seems like manna from Heaven, LOL! No harm in talking to a woman/ women, in fact I see it as a good thing because it reminds you that you DO have value even if not to your W, and there ARE more fish in the ocean and some will just jump right into your boat. All I will suggest is to try and maintain your perspective, keep your overall goals in mind.

Quote

I�m feeling at somewhat of a crossroads. I�m feeling as I�m starting down the path of being the LBS that won�t take WAS back....not yet 100%...but 98% there.

Here's the thing about that crossroads, one path you have no control over. The other you have complete control over. Right? But you don't have to choose which path anytime soon. It'll become more obvious with time, be patient

Ovrnn - Yes I will be true to my MR until the end...but have to say that I�m susceptible to getting myself into an EA at this juncture. Yes I will value the friendship, and I made my intentions with the women this evening. I guess I will navigate this very carefully.

AS - Appreciate the perspective. Totally right that it feels awesome to get the attention of an attractive female that sees my value for who I am. And this one would be totally outkicking my coverage. Lol. Patience is key and I�ll remain as such.

Journaling:
Birthday turned out to be a memorable one. Having the snow day with S and doing activities out of the norm was awesome. After spending the morning making forts out of bedsheets and blankets, S and I ventured downtown in the afternoon to city union station where they had a dinosaur exhibit. We had the place to ourselves!! We totally geeked out on learning a ton of new things that I would have never known that have been discovered over last 10 years. S wants to be paleontologist when he grows up..lol.

After dinosaur exhibit, took S to W place and kept exchange very brief. W again was chatty and asked about S and my weekend activities. I kissed S goodbye and then said I had to run to get to my men�s fellowship group.

While in the car taking S to W�s place, I told him that I was going to treat myself to my favorite Italian restaurant to celebrate my birthday. For the last 11 years, it has been a tradition to eat my birthday meal at this place. S asked who I was going there with...and I cavalierly said Daddy is going to meet up with a friend...no other details provided. (I got it carry out). Well 20 minutes after I had left, I get a barrage of texts from W saying she forgot to mention she had a griddle she wanted to give me that she took when leaving....and asked when and how we could arrange for me to get it. Our normal schedule resumes tomorrow so FTF interactions will be limited. I didn�t reply as I was at my men�s group. After my men�s group, I went and picked up my dinner and went home. As I�m enjoying my dinner, I get 2 FaceTime calls for W...about an hour after S usual bedtime. I didn�t respond. I then get a text from W saying �Hi daddy!! Happy birthday. We love you! Moah� followed by a bunch of kiss emojis. I didn�t respond.

I may be guilty of modestly engineering this by telling S about my dinner plans knowing he would tell W...but it honestly feels pretty damn good to know I�m percolating her curiosity about my GAL activity!!

Originally Posted by EZdozit

I may be guilty of modestly engineering this by telling S about my dinner plans knowing he would tell W...but it honestly feels pretty damn good to know I�m percolating her curiosity about my GAL activity!!

Be careful with this thinking. Your GAL activities should be for you to be busy and to be ready to move forward NO MATTER WHAT.

I've written to other posters that GAL activities that include always looking over your shoulder to see if she is noticing will backfire on you every time.

Here is my post using the picnic analogy: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2816570#Post2816570

Avoid this. You should picnic (GAL) without caring one iota whether or not she notices.

Journaling

So the 6+ week reprieve of communication from W�s cockroach (attorney) reared it�s head today. Rather than the atomic bombs she has tried to drop on me, it had to do with a proposal of how S will divide time over Xmas so the tamest in months.

After being able to work out a schedule for Thanksgiving together with W, I had hopes we could do the same for Xmas. In her proposal, she wants to have S every Christmas Eve day and then bring him to me by 9:00a.m on Christmas Day...cake eating to Nth degree imo. So she would have him for every Xmas eve church service, doing the traditional Santa cookies and milk routine, and S could wake up early Christmas morning and open presents from Santa. Then I would have him Christmas Day where all the excitement is done.
I simply replied to my attorney that I refused to have a formal agreement in place for Xmas, and W would need to come to me and handle out of the jurisdiction of the courts, so no formal agreements will be in place.

It�s clear to me W took Thanksgiving and missing being a part of my birthday harder than she let in. It�s very clear W attorney is trying to save face after her initial guidance blew up in smoke. The next few weeks I expect further garbage to be slung my way....but I will handle like Neo maneuvering thru the Matrix. I won�t run away from the bullets, as I won�t have to as I can now dodge them as they come at me.

I�m in such a positive place right now. I feel as if all of the work I did on myself both physically and mentally has cured me from the case of the yips I had over last 3 years. EZ definitely has gotten my fastball back!

Journaling

So my friendship with this women continues to strengthen that I met from church. Whats crazy is there are some outlandish parallels similar to WAW. They both went to same private high school...2 classes between each other. Her mother worked as a nurse at the same hospital W mother worked at...for 30 years. There are other things that make her very appealing to me...we have the same child custody schedule...we both have a child the same age, share similar political views, into music, and on and on. I believe god works thru people and brings those into your lives at the perfect time. And this was never intentional...I live in a major metro with 3 million people. I have made my intentions clear that I�m not at a point to start a relationship...I�m getting ahead of myself.....I can�t pretend to not acknowledge the similarities and envisioning a scenario that this could be the start of what my next chapter could look like. I do know that I�ve started my journey and now only have brief moments of faint curiosity of what�s going on with W....then they regress. My mind definitely is devoid of W when I�m talking with this women. Slow and steady...

GAL activities include 6 mile run, gym, coffee with women, clean house.

So random...

W has been texting me throughout day trying to direct me to have Santa�s elf on a shelf out prior to picking S up. I don�t respond. W then tells me exact location where it is located. I don�t respond. 4 hours go by and she texts again asking if I got her previous texts and if Elf is in fact out. I just reply thanks and yes.

She reply�s saying thank you for doing that....

This is what�s it has come to with her semblance of control over me...Putting out the Elf on a Shelf. I can only chuckle about it and go about my day.

Journaling

Not a lot new with my sitch. Been maintaining my DB�ing and excelling at the life I have created for myself. My confidence and approach to life has definitely had a noticeable impact in how I interact with anyone I interact with. I have had this carefree attitude and sense of peace and tranquillity for the last 3 or so weeks and several people have made comments about how happy I now seem. Been consistent in running 25 miles a week, eating healthy, dressing nice. Grew my hair out for first time in 15 years and I love my look.

This week I ran into some close friends of in-laws at grocery store and they literally had pause and said �holly $hit� upon recognizing me and how good they thought I looked. They said I looked literally about half of what I did last time they saw me at MIL funeral. I just said thanks for the compliments and said I had worked to drop a lot lot of baggage over the last nine months..and went about my way. (It felt really good...not going to lie)

I have also come to the realization that I put that women I met on a pedestal fairly quick as she was everything my WAW was not. I�m glad I was able to recognize this early...and I have pulled way back from getting any closer to her. I tend to believe this is a feeling that WAS feels when they Initially get into an EA/PA. I realize I need further heal myself....otherwise I could hurt someone and I refuse to do that...

W has somewhat reverted back to her cold demeanor...but continue to get glimpses of the kindness in our brief interactions. I don�t put any thought into it...she has her journey to go on at her pace.

Have S this weekend and his birthday will be on Monday. Plan a party on Sunday and have a couple of his friends parties as well. Also plan to go look at area Xmas light displays around town..so fun and active weekend planned.

Journaling

Had S this past weekend and it was great. Friday we went to an area park that has an incredible lights display and walked around then went to a Mexican restaurant. Saturday got house prepared for S birthday party and we went to an arboritem where they had a gnome village and other light displays. S had a blast. On Sunday we went to S best friend birthday party at a Sealife exhibit...followed by rushing back to the house in time for my family and several of S cousins and extended cousins to come over. Baked 3 NY style pizzas and had an ice cream cake. S got an arsenal of nerf guns for his birthday and my house became a war zone after the kids got to playing. It was the happiest I�ve seen S since BD occurred...and said it was his best birthday ever. (I was so happy to see him happy again)

Capped off S special weekend by taking him to a birthday breakfast early Monday before school. We each had chocolate pancakes. S asked if he could stay with me instead over going to W house...I just said that wasn�t possible and I bet W had special plans for his birthday and said I would see him at his Xmas recital the following day.

Teusday evening S had his school Xmas recital. I took my mom and we arrived 30 minutes early to get good seats. We got front row seats as gymnasium filled up fast. My mom asked if we should save a space for W..I said no. W and FIL showed up rather late and to sit in bleachers. Show was cute and S came up to me and my mom after show first and gave us each a giant kiss. He was so excited to see us and hardly made an effort to find W. As we exited I had a brief interaction with W and FIL...just nodded and said hello. W and FIL hadn�t seen my mom in 9 months and acted as fake as if they had an interest in her. (She had her knee replaced 3 weeks ago and she was a bit perturbed w hadn�t reached out once to see how she was doing). My mom was disgusted...I just said to not be mindful to any of it...true colors have shown up.

Yesterday I get an email from W regarding a birthday party she is planning for S at an inside event place for kids detailing expenses that she wants me to pay for, etc. I had told her several weeks ago I wouldn�t be doing parties together...she apparently didn�t get the message. She selfishly planned this during her weekend and didn�t give me any details until now. I have already made plans and won�t break them. I have informed S and he is okay with me not going. I guess I�ll let w realize that when I don�t show up....and won�t be paying for. I know this may seem hardline to some...but I�m fully separating church and state with regards to birthdays and holidays. W is also continuing to try to manipulate our holiday schedule to where she gets S during the key moments of Christmas. She hasn�t been reasonable so I�m just keeping to our normal schedule..as she wants to split S time up in various 9 and 12 hour shifts...nonsense. I won�t do that to my S. She can stick it for all I care.

Keeping s home today froms school as he yakked after 3 other students did. Don�t know if it was just a chain reaction but he�s puny enough to keep him rested. W tried to claim s was faking it and demand he go to school...I just said it�s my call and judgement to make while I have him, and left it at that. This communication was via text...but I can sense her �huffing� in her reply�s with not getting her way...once again she can stick it.

Today GAL activity is run on my treadmill in basement while son rests...then if he�s feeling ok do a ginger bread house.

Originally Posted by EZdozit

I know this may seem hardline to some...but I�m fully separating church and state with regards to birthdays and holidays.

EZ, I am not judging I am just curious to why this is the case? Do you feel this is better for your children?

LH,

I�m keeping this stance in large part due to recommendations from my IC, divorcecare group, and plain confusion it has caused S when we have done things as a family.

I can�t say I�ll maintain this for the long term, but I place my s emotional stability at the forefront.

Given this time of year, his age, and the crap year he�s had. Heck, even in his letter to Santa s asked for his family to get back together at the top of his wishes....he�s finally adjusting to his new reality, but believe this is my best approach going forward until it�s not so raw for him.

Originally Posted by EZdozit

Yesterday I get an email from W regarding a birthday party she is planning for S at an inside event place for kids detailing expenses that she wants me to pay for, etc. I had told her several weeks ago I wouldn�t be doing parties together...she apparently didn�t get the message. She selfishly planned this during her weekend and didn�t give me any details until now. I have already made plans and won�t break them. I have informed S and he is okay with me not going. I guess I�ll let w realize that when I don�t show up....and won�t be paying for.

I am a big proponent of peaceful co-parenting. I understand that some WAS's can be impossible to deal with, but I think sometimes LBS's are just looking for excuses to "teach them a lesson" and end up making things worse than they need to be. I think when one parent decides to take a hardline approach, then the other will follow suit. And that can create a lot of animosity. Early on when my ex would try to make parenting changes my initial thought was to tell her no, not because it was an inconvenience but because I thought I would be teaching her a lesson. But I knew I was just being vindictive and so I went along with it. Well karma happens and I found myself asking my ex for more favors than she was asking me for, usually due to unexpected work trips. And I am so thankful I didn't take that hardline approach because in the end I would have been screwing myself!

I also believe in continuing to have shared parties for the kids' birthdays. Regardless of the status of the M, I feel it's important to come together as a show of support for your kids. My ex and I still do that (just us, we don't bring OP's), we just had dinner with S15 (now 16!!) last night for his bday. Michele says in one of her books something like "when kids are involved, there's no such thing as divorce." You are linked together for life through your kids, you should strive to make that as stress-free for your kids as possible. I realize it's not always possible because some sitches are REALLY bad, I'm just saying it's something to strive for.

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W is also continuing to try to manipulate our holiday schedule to where she gets S during the key moments of Christmas. She hasn�t been reasonable so I�m just keeping to our normal schedule..as she wants to split S time up in various 9 and 12 hour shifts...nonsense. I won�t do that to my S. She can stick it for all I care.

I just hear a lot of anger in the way you're presenting this and it makes me wonder if you are so mad at her that you don't want to accommodate anything she says, or if it really is an issue. My attitude is the typical divorce split of one parent has the kids on holidays X and Y and the other on A and B and then the next year it flips is not the best setup for the kids or the parents. I mean who doesn't want to see their kids on Christmas? My ex and I usually negotiate it so that we both get some time with the kids on EVERY holiday. Sure it takes some finagling sometimes but we've made it work.

Just throwing that out there as food for thought. I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong, in this case you probably have a better sense of what is best in your particular sitch. I would just suggest that if there is some anger and resentment behind your decision you try to strip that out of it and ask yourself what is really best for the kids.

I hope your S feels better soon!

AS,

Appreciate the feedback..and yes my hope it to have peaceful coparenting. Heck with Thanksgiving we were able to split up the day and it worked out great...and that provided me a brief hope that we could do something similar with Christmas.

I do realize I need to be mindful that my intent is to not maintain this stance long term and keep my side of the street clean.

I have to be honest there is some anger there. W was pleasantly cordial over Thanksgiving...but her attorney has intervened and redirected her to maintain a hostile approach after her initial plan to make a full play at custody fell through and now w continues to follow her guidance blindly. I know it�s their job to try and muck up the waters to garner a reaction from me, and thus far I haven�t and won�t bite.

I do believe once a decree is done...the tension will alleviate, but unfortunately that doesn�t seem to be happening anytime in the near future.

Originally Posted by AnotherStander

I am a big proponent of peaceful co-parenting. I understand that some WAS's can be impossible to deal with, but I think sometimes LBS's are just looking for excuses to "teach them a lesson" and end up making things worse than they need to be. I think when one parent decides to take a hardline approach, then the other will follow suit. And that can create a lot of animosity. Early on when my ex would try to make parenting changes my initial thought was to tell her no, not because it was an inconvenience but because I thought I would be teaching her a lesson. But I knew I was just being vindictive and so I went along with it. Well karma happens and I found myself asking my ex for more favors than she was asking me for, usually due to unexpected work trips. And I am so thankful I didn't take that hardline approach because in the end I would have been screwing myself!

I also believe in continuing to have shared parties for the kids' birthdays. Regardless of the status of the M, I feel it's important to come together as a show of support for your kids. My ex and I still do that (just us, we don't bring OP's), we just had dinner with S15 (now 16!!) last night for his bday. Michele says in one of her books something like "when kids are involved, there's no such thing as divorce." You are linked together for life through your kids, you should strive to make that as stress-free for your kids as possible. I realize it's not always possible because some sitches are REALLY bad, I'm just saying it's something to strive for.

^^^ sorry to hijack your thread EZ, but for AS this is where i get lost. As much as I would love D14 to spend time with WW, D14 vehemently refuses and i have to respect her feelings. Do i force her? Do i consequence her if she doesn�t want to? With regards to WW, her reply would just be, � I know she can never forgive me, and i just have to live with that�. So WW will just wait for time until D14�s anger is resolved? is that how i see it?. Right in front of D14�s IC she firmly said, �I don�t want anything to do with my mother!� Really lost on this.

My apologies again, EZ.

Journaling

So Friday afternoon came with and in a span of 45 minutes 2 major bombs dropped from W and her attorney in what I feel is their last grasp to rattle my cage in attempting to get full custody of s.

First was an email from S teacher that was sent to both w and I. S had an incident at school where he got in trouble. As a result of his actions he was required to fill out a �think sheet� about his actions. After filling out, teacher noticed that S wrote statements such as �I want to die�...�I�m no good�....�I hate myself� etc. This triggered me to the core. I responded to teacher requesting a meeting on Monday and demanded a social worker be present. I then attempted to call W to discuss and she yet again failed to engage in a convo over phone. Reverted to just texting...still refusing to acknowledge her choices are a huge reason for S troubles. S has been responsive and happy while with me...and says he wants to be with me all the time. I fear he is walking on the eggshells I did the last 3 years while with w. I plan to head this issue straight forward but know I need to act in a calm demeanor and not cast blame to wife...as I feel this could be attempt by wife to get full custody. I went over to My mentors house to discuss as he was experienced in child therapy.

While at mentors, I then get an email from my attorney. W has filed a motion in attempting to have me removed from marital home and all decisions as to the sale of our house fall upon w....the week before Christmas. House has been on market coming in at 180 days, but market has slowed due to increased interest rates and the season. I have maintained a list price at what we purchased home for 5 yrs back to maximize the asset with minimum loss. We get steady traffic but no offers yet. When I got termed 3 months ago, I worked an agreement with mortgage company on modified payments while I search for a new job...essentially a reverse mortgage where outstanding payments get attached to end of loan...thus reducing equity. This was a last resort as w refused to allow me to have a couple tenants rent out rooms which would have alleviated mortgage pressure as w left me with responsibility of all payments and refused to help support when she left.

I believe this is an attempt to claim I can�t provide a stable home for S so they will request to modify child custody. At time of BD, w gave me full authority as to the sale and marketing of home.

Both of these happened just before 5 on Friday..so I haven�t discussed with my attorney. Luckily I�ve kept records of correspondence from w where she was agreeable on pricing strategy. I don�t believe any judge would rule in her favor...forcing me out of the house that she elected to leave...but it�s a concern for sure. Just more needless legal fees going to attorneys.

Any thoughts from board?

Hi EZdozit,

I'm not sure I've followed your thread closely enough to make good comments but what you write about your son caught my attention. This is so sad. Your son is very young - is he really only six? And he wrote that he wants to die? If your wife can't set aside her agenda and focus on helping him to feel better then someone has to intervene. What did your mentor say? Couldn't all this legal stuff and house selling ordeal be put on hold so you and your wife can help your son to feel better? If your wife can't put her child first then it seems you need to fight back with all the lawyers, legal fees, etc.. that are out there to prevent further damage to your child. I apologize that I don't have more background information but it sounds like your son desperately needs to be with you. I really hope you can find a way to get him the help he needs immediately at any cost. I'll be keeping your and your family in my thoughts!

Nicole,

My mentor believes their is definitely something going on behind the scenes with W as if he is being coached..but can�t say for certain. Had the meeting today with s teacher and wife tried to dismiss his comments as trying to deflect from him getting in trouble...I can only shake my head at this point. I was calm and collected during the meeting, and firmly stated I believed all the change my S has endured with getting ripped out of the only school district and community he�s known to a completely new environment along with our pending divorce has really impacted him. School had a social worker do an evaluation with S today as well and in his responses to some questions he blames himself on W and I splitting...wants his family back, and is just mad. I only know to be the best dad and not bad mouth W in front of him.

I may soon make an attempt to get primary custody should I observe more of this behavior. I also got 7 referrals of childrens therapist from my IC and will be reaching out ASAP. Want to prevent w from trying to control this as well. Narcissistic behavior never wins in the end I believe.

Thank you for the prayers!

EZ,

Oh man I hate hearing about this. Seems like 9 out of 10 times the kids are the ultimate losers in all this. Its chaps my hide to hear your little boy suffering. From what it sounds like he is being used like a pawn against you. I am truly sorry for your struggles. Be his hero. Prayers for you.

Journaling:

So after having met with my attorney to prepare a response to the motion W filed to have me removed from marital home, I have equipped him with an arsenal of evidence from emails, screen prints of texts, etc. that clearly prove wife has fallen off reservation. W had manipulated my realtor under false pretenses to get him to make recommendations on pricing strategies, has lied to S teacher, and has character assassinated me to many folks all while I have remained silent and focused on myself.

Now that comes to a screeching halt. The latest bizarre behavior she�s done is another form of emotional abuse to S and my patience has reached a limit. Over the last few months, my S school backpack became somewhat of a receptical as a way to pass small items back and forth between houses. On Monday evening I picked S up from school and took over to my mothers so I could attend my men�s fellowship meeting. I asked my mom to work on S homework with him and she agreed. When grabbing out his homework folder, she found a bunch of bizarre items including an old journal of W, and a pair of her thong underwear....(WTF)

My mom asked S why these items were in his backpack and he became puny and couldn�t provide an explanation. W had texted me a pic of a prescription refill that she said she put in his backpack that morning, so it�s clear this is deliberate.

I did text W asking why these items were in his backpack....and she acted perplexed, but I can sense thru the bull$hit.

Sheepishly after a while...on way home from moms house, S used his imagination and said he wanted to make a sling shot out of her crusty skivies...lol

My full on response will be measured and firm...but WW is about to get smacked with a dose of reality based solely on facts and she will clearly look like the a$$hole.

Had a very tough day today. Was able to get into a children�s play therapist before Christmas to address S cry for help. Therapist required initial session with W and I first to get a picture of our story and where we are currently at, cause for D, etc.

Therapist asked some very pointed questions in which I was very honest. He asked if I still loved my W and if there was anything he could do to help us work on marriage. I acknowledged that I did despite all the garbage she�s done and continues to do. I then said I was just focused on my own path and being the best father and version of myself I could be. Other questions uncovered a lot of things that W and I have not addressed, and she won�t entertain right now.

Therapist then asked W same questions and typical ILYBNILWY and other std. BS answers about her happiness. Therapist was able to sniff out the BS fairly quickly when he asked what W role was in diminishing MR...she claimed she had no involvement or culpability.

During session, there were responses I provided that triggered W but she was shut down from responding. Same happened to me when W told blantant lies and I couldn�t defend myself.

I left session at peace, but won�t lie that it frustrated me about how she was so flippant at tearing our family up and appears to have no clue as to the wreckage she has left in her wake.

It�s been 9 months since BD...and I�m completely comfortable in my own skin. I have truly become AMOAFWL...and I believe carma will bite W in the face at some point. Her continued lies and character assasination she�s done to me won�t deter my path.

So it�s been 24 hours since therapy session and I can�t lie some of the things w said haven�t been troubling....but know it�s just proof she�s still full WW and in her own fog.

One of the statements w said to therapist as to why she was pursuing D was that she had once broken up with me prior to us getting MR...yet choose to �look past� her concerns at that time and got �fooled� in getting back together with me. Not only back together, but then married....for 10 years. She completely brushed over entire 10 yr MR claiming she was �fooled�...WTF??

Another card W thru out was hinted that I once physically abused her....which is absolutely garbage and BS. I hate that she has resorted to this...as I know once a women in todays society claims this...it�s up to men to prove their innocence. It�s a disgrace to me. I owned my past issues with anxiety and depression to therapist, and also said what I�ve done to treat those symptoms.

I believe therapist was able to quickly determine she was full of $hit...

I know believe nothing she says/half what they do.

It just confirmed to me that she no longer has any legitimate reason for D...other then her self serving, self righteousness, and stubbornness to not appear that she is making a mistake. Ultimately she will be the a$$hole either way...and will have that on her conscious.

I have a hearing scheduled Jan 2nd...and feeling all sorts of emotions coming over me due to that, also with Xmas and the fact I won�t have S wish me...just [censored]. I will stay centered...

Any thoughts from board?

I will combat any further bogus claims W makes...I will stand up for my S and my best interests. I will face a narcissist straight up and believe she will not come out ahead in the end.

For a long time I would give W a pass for her actions and choices under the excuse it was lashing out in grieving the loss of her mother....I felt I was getting scapegoated.

No more...

W is a full blown narcissist.....thru out all sorts of lies, deception, and blame onto me at time of BD. I fell hook, line, and sinker for it.

I responded and improved in all facets of my life...which only further enraged W.

Now I will call her out on her $hit...and not excuse her behavior.

She lives and will deal with the actions, choices, and decisions. If not careful, may cost her time with only S.

Damn man. Sounds like my WW. It's all my fault. She should have left me a long time ago. She was tired of waiting for changes. Like I'm the only one that needed to work on our M. They are wayward man. That's the truth. Just focus on yourself like I am. I am GAL hardcore man.

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Reverted to just texting...still refusing to acknowledge her choices are a huge reason for S troubles

Then leave her out of it. Go be a parent by yourself and quit contacting her. It's seem pursuity and controlling. It's like you're saying "W, you're hurting our son, quit doing this!" But your W doesn't care enough to stop.

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When I got termed 3 months ago

Have you gotten another job and started paying on the mortgage again?

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Had the meeting today with s teacher and wife tried to dismiss his comments as trying to deflect from him getting in trouble

Could be your W is right. You should tell your son that those statements are BS and he needs to get after it in school. Mom and Dad struggling is no excuse for him to not be hammering away in the classroom.

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I believed all the change my S has endured with getting ripped out of the only school district and community he�s known to a completely new environment along with our pending divorce has really impacted him

Seems like pursuit and you trying to control your W. I bet that's how your W sees it. And ultimately it's an excuse for your son who needs to hit the books.

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School had a social worker do an evaluation with S today as well and in his responses to some questions he blames himself on W and I splitting...wants his family back, and is just mad. I only know to be the best dad and not bad mouth W in front of him.

A school social worker? No offense but when you're a hammer all you see is nails. Everyone is dangling bait for him to act out and he's taking it - he's a kid! What do you expect? It's like you and your son are teaming up on her.

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I also got 7 referrals of childrens therapist from my IC and will be reaching out ASAP.

The best therapy would be him getting after it in school, staying busy with extracurriculars, and running around with his friends enjoying his childhood instead of focusing on his folks' problems.

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My full on response will be measured and firm...but WW is about to get smacked with a dose of reality based solely on facts and she will clearly look like the a$$hole.

Not everything your W does is wrong, maybe it was a mistake and maybe not. But why are you trying to read into it? Why are you trying to force reality on her? If she wants to run then she will run from reality. And it's clear you are trying to make her look like the bad guy because you are hurt and super caught up with her and everything she does.

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It�s been 9 months since BD...and I�m completely comfortable in my own skin.

You're lying to yourself. Your W is under your skin. You allow her there, you allow her to remain.

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She completely brushed over entire 10 yr MR claiming she was �fooled�...WTF??

This could be a legitimate feeling. It may be temporary, it may be lasting. Why wouldn't you validate it? If the folks on the DB board had vetted things perfectly and worked out issues before marriage, there would certainly be less of us here. I can say for a fact that my W and I swept things under the rug. We have always had strong feelings for each and that made it easier, but also contributed to the build up of resentment and caused the sitch. I have no doubt there is some truth in her words, but you simply take offense to them. Think about it logically. You're so emotionally charged.

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I believe therapist was able to quickly determine she was full of $hit...

You believe want you want to believe, when it fits your story. Your W does the same, and round and round you two go. Are you ready to break the cycle?

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It just confirmed to me that she no longer has any legitimate reason for D ...other then her self serving, self righteousness, and stubbornness to not appear that she is making a mistake.

This line of thinking just brings you more and more pain. I think you guys are both stubborn and self righteous. This doesn't make you a bad person, but right now it is hard for you to work through this because of those attributes.

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Now I will call her out on her $hit...and not excuse her behavior.

She lives and will deal with the actions, choices, and decisions. If not careful, may cost her time with only S.

More control behavior. You aren't her daddy, she wants a divorce. It's not your place to "call her out on her $hit".

Overrn,

Appreciate the attempt at the tough love...but me calling her out is now to the fait of the courts. So no BS...

If you don�t have kids....suggest not offerring your opinion or advice....because until you are a parent...you won�t understand.

There is no pursuit or control going on from my end...just looking out for the well being of S. Telling S to �hit books� is one thing...but when he says he wants to die...you don�t mess around. So once again...no kids...no advice.

Journaling:

The crazy has only gotten crazier in the last few days. Had S over weekend thru Christmas Eve evening. s and I attended Xmas eve church services and then took him over to WAW. Admittedly is was tough to pass him off to W and not be apart of the Christmas morning festivities as a family unit, but such is my reality. Spent Xmas day with my sister in laws folks along with my parents.

Christmas night is when the wakadoo occurred. Received a FaceTime from S while he was in W car driving somewhere. I was excited to see S and asked him what he got from Santa, etc. I noticed he had an army costume on and asked if it was one I got him....he said no and that W got it for him. S then asked if I would ever teach him to shoot like his cousins ..(A buddy took me to shooting range last week to relieve stress and S was excited to hear about it). I then proceeded to say that I discussed the possibility of getting a 9mm from my brother earlier that day. After I told s this...S gleefully says, �Mommy!!! Daddy may get a gun!� We talked a bit further and then ended the call thinking nothing more would come of it. Not once did I talk with W or ask about their whereabouts etc.

About 20 minutes after FT call, I get a FB messenger message from SIL saying W wanted to talk with her. She asked me if it would be ok to do so....W then started texting SIL about her opposition of me �buying� a gun and telling SIL she feared for her safety. W then gaslit SIL telling her she didn�t want to involve her....but then made proclamations that I have threatened to her in the past....SIL asked for details and wanted to know how my consideration of possibly getting a firearm equated to her fearing for her safety. W advised SIL she didn�t want to provide details to further involve her...while evidently trying to involve SIL only proclaiming a firearm would only elevate things. Long and short, W attempted to plant seed in further character assassinating me.

SIL sent me screenshots of the text exchanges. I then texted W asking how my consideration of possibly getting a gun relates to her fearing for her safety and why she reached out to one of my family members to infer I pose a risk to her. W flat out denied any of this occurred...and just said she felt my convo with S had to do with her..(WTF)

Given that I have the text exchanges which clearly captures wife in trying to manipulate the narrative, I forwarded to my attorney. This is now the 4th instance in which I have flat out caught W in trying to deceive and manipulate situations to make me appear in a negative manner. The others are concerning....but to infer that I could be capable of violence I think crosses the line. I�ll let My attorney run with it so he can firmly establish consistent pattern of W behavior and out her character in question.

Then during child exchange last night, W rolls up in a random SUV at my gym. I didn�t pay attention to it, but W then says she�s borrowing and then gleefully announces she had a fender bender with her Jeep. I didn�t acknowledge but since I�m still carrying her auto it didn�t take me long to see what�s going on. I got home and sure enough, W had filed a collision claim. I got details of incident from claims adjuster...and it�s reported wife rammed into another car at stop light claiming she lost track of the wheel while she was digging for something in her purse. I let it lie...but the damage claim will likely exceed the overall value of the car....so who knows. I�ll let this play out, but made my carrier aware I�m in the D process and I was still forced to carry W. Hopefully it won�t impact my rates too bad.

My belief is W is making Hale marry last ditch attempts to grab primary custody of S. I will maintain my calmness while she continues reeling off the cliffs.

Hosting my family this evening for our family Xmas.

Journaling

Been almost 2 weeks since last post, a lot has happened. Had s for both NYE and NY day. Spent holiday with my folks. It was a nice relaxing and uneventful time.

Had court hearing on 2nd to address 2 of the motions W had filed. The first to have me forcibly removed from the marital house was dismissed in quick order. Captured W in blantant lies on 3 occasions and had evidence exhibited to prove. Overall hearings went in my favor. W has continued to resort to try and manipulate issues and stories from our past to mutual friends. Other motion was ruled to a middle grounds. During hearing I had no emotion or feelings about W. Just disgusted that her waywardness is still in full effect,

Have maintained my GAL activities and have received more positive attention from the ladies then I ever have. I have gone to coffee with a couple of women over the holiday break. Both have pressed an interest in dating further. I have yet to do anything and have remained true to MR from a physical perspective. I am starting to think if something happens I won�t prevent it anymore. After the last 10 months and the treatment I�ve been subjected to from WAW as if I were a subhuman....I wanna experience the companionship that I�ve lacked over the last 2+ years. I never thought I was in a SSM...but upon further reflection, I was for the latter part of our MR.

It appears D is still a ways out, as another status hearing was scheduled for early March.

EZ,

With as caustic a sitch your dealing with, it would be smart to not date anyone until the D is done. Don't add any potential fuel to your W fire. Protect yourself and your S.

TF,

Thanks for the 2x4...

I will be very guarded with any potential suitors

.

I know my S is my number one priority and can�t disrupt that.

Journaling

So made a decision to completely abandon any dialogue with women until this decree is done..I�m too far into this to give any ammo to W that could impact my 50/50 with S.

I do believe w attorney is abusing the situation and taking advantage of WAW mental state to capitalize on this process. W has been coached to take any and everything communication wise thru her attorney. I also see that at every stage, it has been W attorney�s guidance and strategy that has backfired on her at every turn.

I wish there was a way to reach out to W call the situation for what it is...but know I�m the last person she would be mindful to. The wasted $$ hurts both of us...but mostly S. This is trending on exceeding $50k in legal fees from both sides....

Has anyone been in a similar sitch to where attorneys just seem to be exchanging jabs and driving up fees? Any suggestions on how to reach out to W?

Made a huge fruedean slip last night....sent a USA Today Op-Ed from Jan 9th regarding Divorce to W inadvertently..

I had sent this link to a couple of folks IRL that know my sitch well and had article in my current �copy� on my iPhone as it explained my situation to a tee.

W sent a text this morning under pretense of S7 that he just wanted to say hi and that he loves me...following a heart and kiss emoji.

I feel it was a major temp check..

I replied a couple hours later just stating that I felt the same...she responded within 10 seconds and said �done�

Narcissistic behavior I can�t understand

Journaling

Haven�t posted in a while.

Lawyers have continued to ping pong back and forth over nonsensical items only further driving up legal expenses.

House got under contract over the weekend at just under asking price. Close on March 7th.

I have requested to get decree finalized ASAP as there in now nothing further that should prevent from delaying.

W has continued to be ice cold, however since house has been sold, it appears to be softened. Too little to late. Her attorney made things so decisive that she went along with has severely damaged my ability to forgive the pain and destruction that has insued. It will take me several years to get past the wreckage she�s done to my son and I.

S7 continues to struggle with D but has improved remarkably in his academics.

I have completely let it go and given it to god.

The water faucet has turned on high with regard to attractive and amazing women hovering around me. I haven�t engaged in anything past a cup of coffee or lunch....but am excited for what lies ahead.

I�m in final negotiations with a German company to become their exclusive representative to sell/market their products into the US and will have a possible ownership stake.

Next steps are to locate my next place to live over next 6 weeks.

Hope to have decree finalized soon and finally close this chapter so I can start the next.

I am fully AMOAFWL....and I have several upgrades I look forward to begin the interview process with to potentially become the next Mrs. EZ.

Congrats EZ! It sounds like you are in a great place professionally and personally. Isn't it exciting to be able to open yourself up to the possibilities out there?

Davide,
Thanks! It does feel great to have an essential clean slate on life and knowing I have the tools to love a fulfilling life regardless of the circumstances!

So its been over a month since I�ve posted on my sitch. I figure today is a good time to do so as it marks the one year anniversary of my BD.

The roller coaster continues to spin round and round regarding my D process. I just don�t concern myself for the most part and do a good job compartmentalizing it. My house that was under contract fell thru. The house went back on market and had another offer within days, only to have that deal fall thru. It sucked as there were now 2 inspection reports that I had to disclose that i had no control over before going back on market. I was able to get a third offer last week at a lower amount, however i was able to negotiate a non-cancellation clause this round. Scheduled to close 4/26.

The house sale was the only issue W was utilizing from finalizing decree. I have pressed my attorney to get it done ASAP only for him to hear crickets from W counsel.

STBX went on a trip to Mexico the week of Feb.11 as that marked the 1 year anniversary of her mother dying, along with her birthday and valentines. Positive was I got to spend 12 days with S7. Well the day prior to W leaving country, she tells S7 that �she�s decided� that she was going to change up our parenting schedule from a 2-2-3 over to week on/week off. She did this without so much as even bringing it to me or my attorney. When i picked up S from school, he was very frustrated over this and I had to settle him down as he didn�t want to go a week long w/o having to see either his mother or me. Nonetheless I was pissed about W trying to manipulate S in this matter and FB messaged her that it was reckless parenting. I made my attorney, S�s teacher, & social worker aware of what transpired. Sure enough 2 days later attorney received a formal motion proposing just that. He sees the motion as not having a leg to stand on due to the precedent of the established schedule we�ve been adhearing to, along with fact that W tried to manipulate S. Attorney has general feeling that since essentially nothing has gone WW way, this is a last grasp at her trying to control things. Was supposed to have a status hearing with judge on March 4th, but W counsel cancelled. Now a pretrial hearing is tentatively scheduled for June 6th. It is beyond my comprehension that this continues to get dragged out, and could actually go to trial. I�ve learned how to manage the behavior of a narcissistic sociopath, and know that this behavior from W will likely never go away. Oh well..NEXT.

As for my personal life, I absolutely love the life that I have cultivated over the last year. I�m now down 85lbs, have an established fitness schedule, have a new job, have a new network of friends, and receive more attention from the ladies then I ever have. I have been able to become the best version of myself, the best father I can be, and have been able to repair and improve my relationship with my parents. Although I�m still legally married, I�m not letting that prevent me from living my life the way i want to any longer.

New thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2841201&#Post2841201