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Posted By: sia I am still standing with my daughters - 09/18/18 05:10 PM
Hi all,
I am back with a new login, for those of you that have been following along and helping me through my sitch, I am the one who has embarked on this journey putting my little daughters first and I know only they matter.
Me - good looking, intelligent, loyal gal with two precious Ds under 4.
H (that was) - loving, supportive, patient H and father, my BF.
WH (that is) - angry, resentful lava spewing alien that walked out on us
BD - when baby was less than 3 months, very few signs of unhappiness before and I totally missed them.
S/D - mediation under way, almost all terms finalized
Reason - per WH, I am controlling, judgemental and not a suitable partner to him (grand realization after 15 years together, and birth of second child)
No proof yet, but all signs point to him having both EA and PA. I am finally accepting it after everyone here and my friends and family saying it was obvious for last 6 months.
Healing journey - IC, reading and posting on these boards, talking to safe people and trying to GAL and letting go (slooooowwly, argh)

I did everything wrong for first few months post BD, begged, cried and lived through hell on earth with him disrespecting and undermining me every single day. I tried to DB to my best but failed, 180d, validated but was patient to the extent of being a doormat probably and showed all desperation to keep my family intact. Since WH moved out, I have been getting stronger and trying to get along without him. I still have bad days but the frequency is lesser than before.
I vaccilate now between wanting WH back to actually just cutting him out completely like the cancer he is to my life right now. He still is deep lost in his fog and the A mostly is in the honeymoon phase but the limited interactions we have he still spews.

Blu, Steve, Nicole, V, Helena, One, Maika, Davide, LW, Ovr, Jim, Eric, neffer, ballast and all others who have supported me through the journey a huge heartfelt thank you. Hope you will continue to guide me through this darkness for I am far from done.

The past few days WH has been dragging me down again. He wants to go on his personal trip again and started texting about changing custody schedule. I declined it saying I had plans and he should give me more notice in advance. He went crazy after this, texting me incessantly and begging and arguing with me during children exchanges. He went on to say I ignore him and dont even treat him human anymore and threatened that if I ever plan to leave city with kids he will file an abduction complaint. After few days of this, I broke DB rules and started texting back, politely but one too many. I agreed to keep the kids for the day he was taking off and was not willing to swap my day. He is still trying to text and I have told him going forward our communication can only happen thru a coparenting app. I am exhausted, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, dealing with him corrodes me. I have no respect left for this runaway, irresponsible person, I loved him with all my heart and soul and he has become a threat to my existence and I need him out and need him out fast. I do not know if this is all my love could carry me through but I am in survival mode now and he is the cancer that threatens it. If there was any benefit or if I didnt know any better I would probably file for D myself. Did I do wrong by DB standards? Should I not have agreed to cover for kids in his absence? He might as well could be a no show so but by agreeing to him going away on his parenting day did I fail to drop the rope? Sometimes I dont know DB right from wrong, from intuitive to counter intuitive, everything seems upside down. The easiest way to stop him from bothering me was to agree to him, maybe weak but I need this for my sanity. Also may be time to go on some ADs, I have been avoiding them as I have a nursing infant.
I need some 2x4s and suggestions for co-parenting apps or if anyone knows a guy who knows a guy I can use one of them too, lol.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 09/18/18 05:24 PM
Have in there. I know it's tough. And you ask for 2x4s but all I've got for you right now is support and prayers. I'm not seeing a lot to 2x4 you on. He it's a difficult miserable little man that seems to purposely be trying to make your life rough. Just hang in there, be there bigger person (that's not hard with how small and petty he is), and continue putting those precious girls first.
Posted By: LoneWlf Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 09/18/18 05:32 PM
sia,

Welcome back- in regards to swapping days. My feeling is that anything for the benefit of the children having no detrimental effect on you should be done. Mind you if you already had VALID plans and could not change them then WH would have to find a suitable solution. Otherwise spending time with kids should always be welcomed.
I too feel like you when you say that want to remove this cancer ASAP. My last interactions with WAW were so blah it makes me wonder what did I see in them? Maybe we have emptied out all the love for them? I'm not sure.
The 2X4 part comes when you are asking for a guy who knows a guy(lol). I too miss the closeness and togetherness of human touch.You and I don't need to add more people to the mix when our hearts, minds and souls are not properly aligned. Take the time to breathe- take the time to laugh- take the time to heal. Give love to your 2 little daughters . Know that I continue to pray for you and your family-Blessings!
Posted By: Davide Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 09/18/18 05:38 PM
Sia,

I'm glad to hear from you again, although it sounds like you are going through a tough patch right now.

Quote
I am exhausted, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, dealing with him corrodes me. I have no respect left for this runaway, irresponsible person, I loved him with all my heart and soul and he has become a threat to my existence and I need him out and need him out fast. I do not know if this is all my love could carry me through but I am in survival mode now and he is the cancer that threatens it.


This is crucial. You need to take care of yourself and your children. It seems like you are reaching a point where proceeding with a D in order to protect yourself is an option that you are considering.

No matter what, stop blaming yourself for any of this. Your WH has been out of control for a while now, and that is 100% on him, not you. You can be the perfect DBer but that doesn't mean the WAS will snap out of it. In fact, often times the loss of control due to DB can make the WAS even angrier. But again, that is not on you.

Hang in there.
Posted By: sia Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 09/25/18 02:29 AM
Thank you Steve, Davide and LW for your support as always.
LW, when I asked for a guy who knows a guy, it is to kick WH's @$$, not for a romantic R for me, no sir, no no no, lol.
Updates-
I have been busy caring for my children who got sick from daycare, argh here we go into the prolonged season of germs.
I have been doing fine, actually even a tad bit better than fine. My bad days/hours are more spaced out. I no longer have the urge to cry for long periods when I think or interact with WH. Maybe it is the time that has passed, may be it is the space , may be I am moving closer to detachment or it just maybe because I realize I am still blessed with a wonderful life. I have more than what most people can ask for, I have a pretty face that still turns heads ( I really need to get some spa time for myself lol), I have an above average IQ and a great education, a well paid job, great parents, reliable friends and most of all the best Ds who think the world of me. Well, I also have a silly WH who wants to runaway from all this but well its his problem not mine. WH is still taking his personal trips, even on days when he is supposed to take care of kids. Hey more time for me with my kids, yay! I am slowly making more friends, hand picking them really at this point, most of the friends were common friends so I really need some new faces. GAL outside is okish, I do as much as I can on the days I do not have kids, but I have realized GAL is doing what makes you happy and being with my kids actually makes me happy so my whole life is a fun GAL really. I come from the land of yoga and meditation, I am trying to take classes for both those. I am trying to surround myself with people who love me for who I am, as I am. I have a lot to work on myself, mainly control issues, short temper and taking my close Rs for granted but I am trying to be a better person. Most importantly I am trying to forgive myself.
My BFF who spoke to me after almost a month was amazed at how strong I sounded than before, she wants me to think of dating too. But I also realize I am not ready yet. I may not be for a few years , who knows. Not because I want WH back, but because I want to be in a place where I am happy for who I am and what I have and not because I need another man to make me feel complete again. Until I get there I do not think I will be ready for a happy romantic R.
I come from a conservative culture, where arranged marriages are common and divorces almost non existent. I chose WH thinking he is the love of my life, and he was. But I cannot accept the person he is right now so without a care of what unfolds next I want to move forward. Make a beautiful life for me and my Ds with all the blessings I already have.
I spent 19 years of my life living by what would make my parents happy, the next 15 putting WH in all my life decisions. For the first time I am actually free. I have come to realize I may not know what it is to set him free, but I absolutely can set myself free. I am free of the codependency, free of the need to have him in my life, free of all the worries that make me want the MR to work. I set myself free.
I used to tell myself I am standing for the MR for the sake of my Ds, to save their family. But if any person would dare even pull this stunt and put one of my Ds thru this, I would ask them to run away from the miserable man that is doing this. I will raise them to be powerful women who know their worth and I need to show them this by being that woman myself.
On a side note, I have another mediation appointment this week where I know heck is going to break loose but that is okay too, part of the process.
Tomorrow I may feel weak again, but for now I feel fine, better than fine.
Posted By: NicoleR Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 09/25/18 03:03 AM
Hi Sia, it's nice to hear your update. It's good that you're able to see your life in a positive light and that you have so many things to be thankful for. It is empowering to be free and on your own. Prior to getting married I traveled the world alone, even all around India on buses and trains all by myself. It sounds like going from your parents to your husband you never had that chance to make your own choices and do your own thing. You're just getting a taste of it for the first time. I feel in a way that you'll do great and even be better off because you're 'head of household' now and you're still young and beautiful. Since divorce is so rare in your culture I believe you'll have a lot of women looking to you as a role model and secretly envying you. Still, it's easy to wake up feeling awful tomorrow or to wish to trade all the positives to have your stable life back with your husband. There are so many feelings and emotions. Good luck with the mediation appointment. I hope you let us know how it goes.
Posted By: BluWave Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 09/25/18 03:45 AM
(((sia))) I am so glad you updated. I have been wanting to post to you, but wasn't sure what was going on: there was a pause and then changes after the last thread. Hopefully that's all good now.

You read so strong. Wow. I have always been impressed by your courage and resiliency, it's very admirable. You have also been moving along so quickly and are balancing everything like a champ. I am glad you are enjoying your GAL time. You understand what is most important and you value yourself more than many here (and myself included post-BD). You know you deserve better than WH and how he has treated you! You also know that you are setting an example to your daughters of what it means to be a strong and independent woman.

Your confidence and mental strength is just awesome. I struggled with this for so long. I knew on some level everything you say, but my heart was so damaged, I couldn't seem to convince myself. When my H left for OW, I was too focused on him and if he would come back. Now of course I see how off I was! I really prolonged my own sufferings.

Silly question, but how do you do it? What can you share with newbies to help them gain more strength and confidence? I think you could really help some posters here because your attitude is what they are striving for. This is how healthy detachment begins! You are letting go of what is toxic and finding your own worth. You know you deserve better.

I love that you have a more global view of your sitch and you don't just subscribe to a woman needing a man to be complete. I agree 100%. Even though my H is back, I still believe I would be just fine without him. I don't need him to have a wonderful life. I want my 3 daughters to know they don't need a man either. They are great as they are and they can choose what they want. My BFF for life (since we were little kids), well her family is from India as well. You know what? She is also a very strong and independent woman. I think culture is to be appreciated and celebrated, however should never dictate the way we live our lives.

I hope you will keep posting and stick around! You have much strength and wisdom to share!

Blu
Posted By: MamaB25 Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 09/25/18 04:27 AM
BluWave did your husband ever fill you in on what brought him home?? What about what he was feeling when he was gone? Did you notice any behavior changes right before R?? Thanks!!
Posted By: LoneWlf Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 09/25/18 11:25 AM
Wow! strong woman- strong background- strong values - beauty-educated!!! who wouldn't want that??? LOL go get em!!! stay positive sia!!!!
Posted By: LoneWlf Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 09/25/18 11:30 AM
Wow! strong woman- strong background- strong values - beauty-educated!!! who wouldn't want that??? LOL go get em!!! stay positive sia!!!!
Posted By: Maika Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 09/25/18 08:10 PM
Hey Sia - good to see your update. I told you that the separation is not a bad thing as it will give you space and time to de-stress and lower anxiety. You're strong and you got lots of good things going for you. Keep it up and it gets better.
Posted By: sia Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 09/26/18 02:43 PM
Hi Survivors,
LW - thank you for the support
Nicole - Yes, it is a big beautiful daunting world out there and I am determined to find a piece of my paradise for me and the kids
Maika, you are absolutely right, you have guided me since the very early days and I thank you.
Blu, I am just talking the talk now, not all there to actually walk it. Your journey and your advice has helped me more than I can ever express gratitude for. I have read, re-read and re-read your threads a few more times. So much so that I am ready for a quiz, lol, the nerd in me just cant hide. I am in no-way healed but I see and feel that WH feels nothing for me anymore. He may have guilt about the kids but he is really on a different planet and that is not good enough for me or the kids.
As you all know my sitch unfolded very differently from most others, I was in denial about any A for the longest time, WH absolutely denied it and laid the blame all on me for the breakdown of the MR. I ignored the glaring signs, I gave him benefit of doubt and felt idiotic for not having the basic intel. I still have no intel, but I have accepted there is an A, I sense it is also a PA so without any intel I have found my answers. He is of course introducing kids to OW on video calls(I also suspect OW is out of state), i have requested he not do it and he says I can only think such low things and denies any OW.
I have made every mistake imaginable since BD, begged, cried, lashed out, tried convincing, got parents on both sides involved, let him walk all over me to an extent that he became the monster and i a victim, shucks, even I wouldnt want to be with that me. But it is a journey, I was completely blindsided by a man I loved more than anything in life and that too when we had just had a baby. I could go snooping around more, maybe I will gather intel but I do not want to anymore. OW is a woman who had EA with a man whose wife was pregnant with their second child and slept with him probably before even I could heal from my delivery symptoms, WH is a nut case right now, they deserve each other.

Blu you ask me how I do it, I honestly dont, I just live my life one day at a time now. I am negotiating the end of my MR with an infant by my side. I just think what would benefit my Ds the most and go by it, and I being happy and content will benefit not just me but them too. I still have my bad days but WH is not going to come back anytime soon.even if he does, we are doomed to fail. He doesnt have remorse and my wounds are deep. we both need space and time to heal and I see that now. I wish I didnt need 7 long months of misery post BD to realize this simple truth.

My baby is 10 months old, all I remember since her birth is the pain and hurt WH put me through, and to think I let him steal that precious time from me. Not anymore, I am going to enjoy every minute of their wonderful childhood and I want to encompass myself with the love they have for me.

I see some LBSs happy they have no children, I can only say thank god I have my Ds, my life is so beautiful with them in it.

I am so far from real happiness but at this time I know I have to get there myself, WH is not going to help me with it.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 09/26/18 02:47 PM
"I see some LBSs happy they have no children, I can only say thank god I have my Ds, my life is so beautiful with them in it."

This is only because it means a clean break from their WAS/WS. And I can understand that. One of the things that bothered me when it appeared I was headed for D, was having to deal with her for the rest of my life at D's events and activities. Most LBSs talk about it in regard to until the kids are 18. Sorry, that is not true. Weddings, births, grand-kids' events, etc. It is a life-long connection to have kids with someone.

However, those of that have kids wouldn't trade that for the world! Even with have to deal with an ex, being a parent is one of the best things this life has to offer.
Posted By: Davide Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 09/26/18 04:33 PM
Sia,

Regarding children I can understand both sides of the coin. My WAW and I had no children and it definitely makes for a cleaner break. I have spoken in person with her only 5 times since BD in early April, and only once in the last 4 months. I think that detachment is easier without the regular communication and in-person interaction that a child necessitates. I read a lot of sitches with children and the process just seems to drag on a lot more (understandably.)

That said, I have always wanted children and feel that I have no outlet for the love I am eager to share. My W was ambivalent and leaning against children which (I thought) I was okay with at the time since I had her to share my love with. At this point I think part of my resentment is that she has removed not only herself but also a large window of opportunity for me to have a family. As a male, I can start a family later, but it is more difficult both physiologically, and also in finding a partner of the right age who wants that.

It is wonderful to have you back on the forum, and you sound much more in control of your emotions. You say that you are only talking the talk and not fully walking the walk, but your words display a calmness and equanimity. Living one day at a time is the way through this. Often times it is living one moment at a time. That is mindfulness. Enjoy those moments with your Ds, find the joy in simply being with them. You are on the right path.
Posted By: sia Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 09/26/18 05:02 PM
Steve and Davide, I agree, itís such a clean break when there are no kids involved, I would want to stay as far away from WH as possible, may be in a different country even. But I have 2 Ds below 4 so I have to see him regularly for 18 years at least. The other heart breaking thing for me in my sitch is how this will impact my DDs. I just meant all I can do is make the best possible life for them and channel all the love I have to them. Physical separation absolutely helps in detachment and for those that do not have kids they should go NC on their WAS
Davide itís good you donít have kids from this MR, when you do have a family it will be wholesome but I understand when you say you would have showered them all the love that you are not able to give your W
We can all just make the best of what we have been dealt and most times it is still good
Posted By: Maika Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 09/26/18 05:17 PM
Hey! I feel you on the OW. Unfortunately, so many people find out much later about the OM/OW because they stop snooping and the other person denies it. In my case, I know that W dated and had an EA at the very minimum just before and around BD timeline. I would be foolish not to assume that post-BD she has continued this behavior. I just don't have any hard evidence for it. But that becomes immaterial because the focus is all about you and what you need to do for yourself. I find a lot of strength in your writing now and I am glad to see that you're gaining your footing and momentum.

Also, I am super NC/Dark with W despite having kids. We use google calendar for the kids schedule and share pertinent information about school stuff. Outside of that, I don't initiate anything or ask anything even when I see her. I simply don't care at this point. She has absolutely ZERO to do with my life now and I have no interest in hers. I guess I would say that I haven't lovingly detached, more like detached with complete indifference.
Posted By: NicoleR Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 09/28/18 04:03 AM
Hi Sia, there's a lot to absorb when you find out there's an affair in addition to everything else. I guess there's one way of looking at it - it can't get much worse right?! Now you have generally a good sense of what happened to your marriage and what your husband is doing. Knowing the truth seems to have helped you in some ways despite how painful it is. Your daughters are lucky to have such a loving mom who cherishes them!
Posted By: toenail Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 09/28/18 05:21 AM
sia, more power to you!
it still boggles my mind how some WS can leave their kids to pursue their own selfish objectives. i have a D14 and i canít even imagine what youíre going through right now. fate knows itís always the strongest parent that are always left with the care of the children.
you are strong, be stronger!
Posted By: sia Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 09/29/18 07:30 PM
Maika, Nic and Toe, thanks you guys.

Update -

My sitch might just have taken an uglier turn. We had mediation appointment this week where WH and mediator were expecting to finalize things. I had thought through a few more items and I had let them know in advance about wanting to discuss it personally.
I went with my file, all cataloged, WH came swinging his arms without a care in the world. Initial part went as planned, I had some modifications to the document prepared and I also negotiated a few more financial items with H. He said I was being too calculative and small but $creW him I have 18 years before the baby goes to college. i know what I need to have my children's financial future secured. The mediator had very different numbers for child support compared to what my L had given so I made her recalculate it, she made errors right in front of me and I pointed them out and WH was fuming. Not wise MR wise but I cant have incorrect numbers on that. I have always handled all our finances and investments, WH finally saw the real me when it came to those negotiations yesterday. He blew a gasket when mediator gave him the CS numbers, he started saying he has already lost on custody time with kids and now is having to pay so much in CS too. I was a shark and maybe yes made sure I accounted for every dollar , he started hating me more if that could be possible
I have not discussed it in detail but since BD, the consistent message WH has been giving is he wants D and he wants to move us post D to the other coast. His reasoning is he is depressed of this place and wants a new start. I was on the fence for the longest time, like the LBS in fog I thought it may help but I am quite sure now OW is in that state. It is not good for me or the kids in anyway, I already live in a state where cost of living is expensive, and where I am asked to move is probably one of the most expensive places. I will have to take a transfer with no pay hike to accommodate the higher living expenses. And more than any other logical reason, he has the audacity to expect this from me post D!! I finally calmly told him yesterday at the mediator's that I was not going to move, its not in my or the children's best interest. He blew up at this as his whole D plan is centered around this move, 1) I think OW is there 2) he wants to run away from every person we know and move to a state where there is no social circle either to judge him or to help me.
The other set back was I brought up to mediator how I do not want either of our GF or BF when they exist to be exposed to kids. Mediator said I cannot control that and WH told her I was just paranoid and there is no OW involved.

We left the mediator with him trying to convince me and I firmly but calmly saying its my final decision. He started threatening to file the D thru court and said he is going to come for half custody and will have me kicked out of the marital home. I reminded him that is also our children's house and I own half of it and that I hope we can come to a mutual agreement. He left emanating all hate and I was surprisingly calm. I agreed to mediate a D I dont want if I was able to have an advantage, if he gives me just as much as the court will then might as well go there. Believe me, all the advantage is solely for the kids I am not getting a penny out of him for myself. Both of us are in high income jobs so I am more than capable of handling myself, but he owes it to the kids. Once he got back he apparently locked himself in a conference room for hours and finally texted the mediator cc'ing me asking her to put a hold on the proceedings until further notice which to me indicates he is going to talk to some Ls now.
I am very clear on what I need from him to end the MR, financially and legally. I am not going to go extra nice on him in D process hoping he would come back. I cannot take that chance my Ds are way too young and I have a long path ahead of me.

But seems like I might have hit the last nail on the R coffin yesterday. So he has to now choose between leaving his kids and moving across the country or leaving OW and still stay D here and seeing kids every week. Every step he has taken in the past year has been a choice, we adults must be able to handle our own $hit and not be so selfish that we destroy our families. He may decide that he will stay here for the kids and have a long distance R with OW, well again plenty of choices to make I am out as an option in any one of those. I do not want to be a part of any of this drama, all I can do is respond back legally for any of the options he choose for D. But D seems to be inevitable, I couldnt save their family for my children. There is too much bitterness even in terms of the separation agreements.
Posted By: ovrrnbw Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 09/29/18 08:37 PM
What a turd, I'm glad you kept your composure. Not rude, not a pushover - I like it.

His bitterness may not really be about you, just that you aren't doing what he wants, which is cake eating.
Posted By: Maika Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 09/30/18 10:04 PM
You handled that mediation like a pro. See that strength you have for you and your D's. You're going to be more than fine. Of course he had a toddler tantrum - he's not getting his way. Life isn't turning out so nice and rosy as he thought it would. Well, let him deal with that. You do YOU!
Posted By: Davide Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/01/18 12:44 PM
Sia,

Just to echo what everyone else said, good on you! Way to stand up for yourself and not take any sh%t off of him. Your H seems like a petulant, entitled POS. If he wants to move for any reason, that's on him and he has to deal with the consequences not you. The sooner reality smacks him in the face the better!

The only question I had was about not exposing GF,BF to kids. Is that something that you can really control on his end?

Regardless, it is great to see you dealing with WAH from such a place of strength! Keep it up!
Posted By: NicoleR Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/01/18 01:50 PM
Hi Sia, I feel so sorry for what you had to endure in the last mediation meeting. If your husband wants to move to the other coast could you politely suggest he's free to move solo? He can fly back to your city one or two weekends per month to visit your daughters and then you could have them full-time. This is basically how it works with my husband. The reason why this would work better is because when your husband's relationship with OW on the other coast ends he'll probably move back to where you are now, so it definitely doesn't make sense for you and your kids to be uprooted and move just for him to be closer to a woman with whom there's no guarantee he'll be with in the long-term. How selfish of him! Plus how could he even think that he has any right to pressure you to make a long-distance move when he's the one who is breaking up your family?

FYI - when my husband wanted to divorce last winter he was basically hoping he'd have to pay almost nothing for child support and he wanted to walk away from his marriage and daughter free of responsibility. That was a temporary phase though and once he broke up with his girlfriend or the fun started to wear off he started to think more clearly again and voluntarily forked over all the money I requested. This is why having your husband rush to divorce doesn't make sense. He's not thinking clearly. Not that you want him back at this point but divorce is a major lifechanging decision and isn't something that should be done in a fit of rage when someone is at the very start of an affair. I guess that's how it happens for many people but I really like the states / provinces that have a mandatory one year of separation. This forces everyone to think through their decisions and not just act upon a storm of emotions.
Posted By: sia Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/01/18 02:54 PM
Thanks Ovr, Maika, Nicole and Davide.

Nicole, I agree, I wish I was in a state which mandated a period of separation, it lets Waywards live their fantasy and fall flat on their face and at the same time lets LBS heal without having to also handle the D formalities in a fragile emotional state. I am not saying it will lead to R, but it is for each to heal and be in a mental frame to make better decisions.

Davide you are right about the kids exposed to OW, I fumbled on that front and it does seem I am stuck in denial.

I have discussed not having the kids interact with our (his) dates with WH but he denies OW. Even at the mediator I phrased it as GF/BF for either of us to which he scoffed and said I was paranoid and she basically said I was trying to control him after the separation. Instead of STFU at that point, I went on to say ' the M is over, he is free to be with whoever he wants, all I am asking for is to not expose the children to OP for their own well being'. How much do you all think I f*d up here?

Another point I forgot to add to my update earlier, when WH came to the appointment on seeing him my heart leapt to my mouth. All this felt so so so unnecessary. I wanted to shake him up from his slumber, and to my dismay I realized I still somewhere deep inside love this man, that makes me so weak and pathetic after all that he has done but you feel what you feel. I am still proud that in spite of this I was able to walk in and handle the business part of the D, and the more he talked I saw that this is not my H but the new WH and it was easier to discuss D terms. I am probably coming off to him as cold, blood thirsty, calculating and making him pay for his mistakes and trying to $crew him over but I am really not doing any of it. I want what I think is fair for the children and I want him to just be as far away from me as possible.
Posted By: BluWave Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/01/18 09:41 PM
I personally do not think you messed up! Even if this goes against DB, I agree with how you handled it. I love how fierce you are. You command the respect you deserve. On some level, that is what he loves about you too. .... You do not want your children exposed to this. I told my H the same thing from day 1 of the BD, and he listened. I am so glad he did. Can we control them and what they do? No. But is this something we see as intolerable? Absolutely. And I'll tell you what, if my H had ever brought my kids around that crazy woman, I doubt I would have taken him back. My kids knew her so my sitch is a little different in that sense. But still. Nope. No way would I sit quiet about that, DB or no DB!

Blu
Posted By: sia Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/04/18 03:14 PM
Thank you Blue, yes my motherly instincts want me to protect my babies but I have no control even there and I am struggling with that.
I have slid back in the past few days, I have learnt it in the last 7 months that this is a cyclical healing process but it is still so hard on the days that you dont feel so strong. I dont like WH the way he is now and he is absolutely unacceptable but I still want him back, I want him to feel remorse at what he has done, how he has destroyed and burnt everything to the ground. I want to show the changes I am consciously making, I want a chance to fix what is bent, I am unwilling still to accept it is completely broken, I want to save their family for my children. I know none of this is in my control, this is just what I feel from inside. We had a bitter mediation appointment and if a friend of mine would say this about her own life I would feel sorry and pathetic for her but here I am, despite knowing it all.
D3.5 cries and misses him so much, while she is with me. I hate him all those times, I can handle the pain but he is doing this to my children.
I am slowly moving forward with my life, I meditate, sleep and eat better, GAL when I can and invest myself with anything that piques my interest. I have found an immense amount of peace by leaning into spirituality, helps me feel better if I can just lean on the higher power.
WH has gone super silent since the last mediation meeting, it feels like the calm before the storm, at this point he will either serve me papers or come back with his newer terms for the mediation. I know I will rise up to either of those options, in a way it is my duty to do so for the precious children I have.
Recently someone at work unexpectedly offered me their support telling me they heard what has transpired. I was shocked, I did not know people were beginning to know. Its a small world when you work for the same company, that might be the next storm I have to bear. It might rain pity and judgement for both of us, I am not feeding the fire but how do I stop people from gossiping? It really cannot be good for any chance of future R. WH is going to think I am spreading the rumors, I think he is talking, either way we both are losing yet again.
How bad are relationships hurt when such news becomes common knowledge? Any guidance for me on this?
On a positive note, I recently go to observe D3.5 at her school, she is so smart for her age. I have such a huge task to nourish her intellectual capabilities and I am thrilled about it.
I have started a gratitude journal, it is quite helpful, I realize I have so much to be thankful for. 6 months ago I wouldnt be able to write a word in it, now I can fill a page.
I am still on NC/minimal contact, I let him initiate and there are no convos to validate or be open from his side either.
I wish I felt stronger, more healed but it takes as long as it takes I suppose.

Posted By: ovrrnbw Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/04/18 04:37 PM
Originally Posted by sia
Thank you Blue, yes my motherly instincts want me to protect my babies but I have no control even there and I am struggling with that.
I have slid back in the past few days, I have learnt it in the last 7 months that this is a cyclical healing process but it is still so hard on the days that you dont feel so strong. I dont like WH the way he is now and he is absolutely unacceptable but I still want him back, I want him to feel remorse at what he has done, how he has destroyed and burnt everything to the ground. I want to show the changes I am consciously making, I want a chance to fix what is bent, I am unwilling still to accept it is completely broken, I want to save their family for my children. I know none of this is in my control, this is just what I feel from inside. We had a bitter mediation appointment and if a friend of mine would say this about her own life I would feel sorry and pathetic for her but here I am, despite knowing it all.

It may be completely broken, but that doesn't mean we can't put it back together! smile Have hopes for the best, but prepare for the worst!
Quote

D3.5 cries and misses him so much, while she is with me. I hate him all those times, I can handle the pain but he is doing this to my children.
I am slowly moving forward with my life, I meditate, sleep and eat better, GAL when I can and invest myself with anything that piques my interest. I have found an immense amount of peace by leaning into spirituality, helps me feel better if I can just lean on the higher power.
WH has gone super silent since the last mediation meeting, it feels like the calm before the storm, at this point he will either serve me papers or come back with his newer terms for the mediation. I know I will rise up to either of those options, in a way it is my duty to do so for the precious children I have.
Good.

Quote

Recently someone at work unexpectedly offered me their support telling me they heard what has transpired. I was shocked, I did not know people were beginning to know. Its a small world when you work for the same company, that might be the next storm I have to bear. It might rain pity and judgement for both of us, I am not feeding the fire but how do I stop people from gossiping? It really cannot be good for any chance of future R. WH is going to think I am spreading the rumors, I think he is talking, either way we both are losing yet again.
Just tell them you'd like to keep your private life private and put a big smile on your face
Posted By: Davide Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/04/18 04:43 PM
Sia,

I don't see you as backsliding at all. Like you said, your emotions are going to go up and down and are cyclical, but you seem to be constant in your DBing. You are doing the right things for you and your daughter. You are providing her a great example of a strong, independent woman. That doesn't mean you feel strong all the time, but you show it through your consistent actions. Meditation is super helpful for me, and a gratitude practice can really help reframe the way we look at the world as well.

Don't stress about what other people know. It's just another example of something you can't control at all. I have a ton of friends in common with my W (who are still friends with both of us) and I am sure they know some things. The only thing I can control is what I tell them and how I interact with them. If our WAS is badmouthing us behind our backs or sharing personal info about the sitch, it only reflects more poorly on them. Especially in a small community these things are going to get out one way or another. I would just thank the person for their support and tell them it is a personal matter that you would prefer to keep private and that you would appreciate their discretion. You can't keep them from talking about it, but you can let them know that it isn't common knowledge to be openly shared.

Hang in there!
Posted By: Davide Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/07/18 03:58 PM
Sia,

I just wanted to thank you for bringing the 4 Ways of Letting Go video to my attention. I watched it last night and it resonated quite a bit with me. He was such an engaging presence and speaker for someone with such deep wisdom. I responded very much to the prison/monastery comparison that he drew, both in terms of the WAS and in terms of my own attitude.

I hope all is well with you.
Posted By: sia Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/12/18 01:57 PM
Hi my DB family, I have been actively reading here but not updating because I have nothing much to report. WH and I have minimal contact, he probably is figuring out how to proceed with D, sent me some out of the blue texts, seemed like minimal temp checking, I was civil and to the point to the questions he asked.
Do I still think about him and miss him? Unfortunately yes. But I also realize he is not ready to come back and I am absolutely not ready to take him back even if he does. I wish I was more healed than this, that he didnt even cross my mind, but I am not there yet. I am consciously focusing on myself, my beautiful Ds , my job and taking it one day at a time. More people around us are realizing we are S and are beginning to ask questions and give me meaningful looks but that is again something I cannot control or want to worry about anymore. I still have bad days but I am aware of them and I am seeking out for what I need to heal myself.
I have read a lot of old threads, Robx, Mowgli, NYGAL - wow, each person's journey is an eye opener and helps me.
@ Davide, I am glad you enjoyed the video, I have been listening to him so much, wise and witty he is a great orator.
Here is an excerpt of another talk I heard that really helped me this week, so instead of discussing my problems I am hoping that reading this will help my other LBS friends and gives them some peace going into the weekend.
I am typing out what I heard, none of this is my creative brain at work.

A man walking in a jungle realized he has been spotted by a hungry tiger. The tiger starts chasing him and the man does the only thing he can, run away from it while fully aware the tiger is faster than him and will eventually get him. While running for his life, he notices a dark well in the forest, thinking it cannot get worse than being eaten alive by a tiger he jumps in. As it happens in life often for those who are facing difficult times, this well is empty and is home to a large black poisonous snake. The man, on jumping, gets caught in the roots of a tree that have grown into the well. So now hanging upside down by his legs, he sees the tiger is bending down to bite him off but he is just a little out of its reach and the snake has woken up and is raising its hood to attack him but again he is just a little out of the snake's reach. With fear gripping his heart,he notices something sticky trickling down on his face and looks up to the tree and sees that an empty bee hive has cracked open on impact and is dripping with honey. He puts his tongue out and tastes the best honey of his life and says 'Thank you god, this is so sweet'. That's it, End of story.
This is how life really works, there is no fairy tale ending, life is full of unexpected turns and events and goes on and on.
When you are between a rock and a hard place (tiger or snake) take a moment to realize there is still honey around you, life always has some facets where it is still sweet and is at its own best version. WAS, S and D might be our worst fears but we all still have some part that is still working for us, it may be our jobs, our health, our personal growth or our beautiful children. We need to remind ourselves to enjoy and cherish what we currently have before it is too late without looking back to this day with regrets.
Looking back on the past is worry, looking into the future is hope, so dont worry be hopey.
(I hope I can implement 1% of the moral here in my own life)
Posted By: Davide Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/12/18 03:34 PM
It's good to hear from you Sia. I get it when you talk about having nothing to report. I feel the same way most of the time.

Quote
I am consciously focusing on myself, my beautiful Ds , my job and taking it one day at a time. More people around us are realizing we are S and are beginning to ask questions and give me meaningful looks but that is again something I cannot control or want to worry about anymore. I still have bad days but I am aware of them and I am seeking out for what I need to heal myself.


That's exactly what you, and all of us, should be doing.

Quote
When you are between a rock and a hard place (tiger or snake) take a moment to realize there is still honey around you, life always has some facets where it is still sweet and is at its own best version. WAS, S and D might be our worst fears but we all still have some part that is still working for us, it may be our jobs, our health, our personal growth or our beautiful children. We need to remind ourselves to enjoy and cherish what we currently have before it is too late without looking back to this day with regrets.


Operating from a place of gratitude isn't always easy but it is rewarding. When we are immersed neck-high in the muck of our sitches it is difficult to appreciate the gifts we still have. You are doing a great job if you can remember to take that step back and see the positives. Beginning each day with a recitation of things I am grateful for helps me to frame my thinking in that way.

The only thing I question is looking to the future. For me, at least, that is anxiety provoking. I read somewhere that the only time you can do anything to change the future is right now, so either work to change it now or let it go. It is easy to fall into the trap of stressing about what might happen or what we want to happen. Like the man in the dark well it is often best to let go of those things we can't control and give attention to the beauty/joy around us.
Posted By: Maika Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/12/18 03:45 PM
Quote
I read somewhere that the only time you can do anything to change the future is right now,


This is so true and elegant in its simplicity. We can all make goals and strive for personal growth, but that future is shaped by what we do right now in the moment on a daily basis. There is just no point in stressing about the future and lamenting the past.

I've been working on 'being in the present moment' and experiencing it without worrying about the immediate future. This has come in to play a lot in all facets of my life, and with my kids. I have to actively remind myself to be present in the moment with my kids and not stress about whether we're past bed time, or we got to run out the door etc. I used to get stressed out about it a lot and I would not actively stop and listen to what my kids were telling me.

With my other goals I just take it day by day and mark the small wins. I know these small wins will add up to the future that I want, and as long as I get the small wins, make adjustments to make sure I am doing the right things, and self-reflect, the future will take care of itself.

Also, loved the video about 4 ways of letting go. Thanks Sia.

Glad to hear you're doing well and things are moving for you. The tiger story is fantastic and I will keep that in mind as I keep on improving at 'being present' and thankful.
Posted By: LoneWlf Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/12/18 11:24 PM
just stopped in to say hi- want to let you know you are in my prayers.
Posted By: NicoleR Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/14/18 02:04 AM
Hi Sia, everything still happened to you recently. It's so normal to still miss your husband and feel sad and yet know you can't take him back either. It's such a complicated position to be in and few can understand unless they've been through it. It's probably a good thing if more people know you're separated. You'll garner more sympathy and you can be yourself without having to keep up a false faÁade. I do hope the divorce can go through sooner than later so you can feel more free and at peace. Then when you finally reach that point I'm just waiting for you to post about your husband crying at your doorstep and pitying himself. Your story is definitely just beginning.
Posted By: sia Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/15/18 03:02 PM
Davide, Maika, LW and Nicole thank you for your kind words.

I need some advise this morning.
WH texted saying that he will be filing in court and has asked me for my L's info and given me his. I was really hoping it wouldn't come to this.I was aggressive in mediation with finances and he was reluctantly conceding to everything but his main condition that was I uproot my life and move with him along with the kids. Once I told him this would not happen he has decided to stop the mediation he proposed and proceed through court.
I am spinning again, not able to think this through. I need guidance and help, if anybody has any suggestions or questions that might make me think further I appreciate those as well.
I have a L and I can share that info for him to proceed. But I dont understand the point of it all. Why is he making this further harder and more expensive for both of us?
Cons of fighting this in court-
- Currently I have kids for 5 days a week, he is threateing he will ask for 50/50 custody.
He has already missed his schedule time twice in 2 months, not sure how he is planning to keep his end of childcare while maintaining a long distance R with OW
I am getting weak because I fear I will lose one more day a week with my kids, they are my life support now.
- Any advantage I had in mediation for kids financially, will be lost as courts wouldn't mandate it
- D thru L is more expensive for both of us than mediation.

I know relenting to him in mediation was not good for me or the kids, it was unreasonable. I am trying my best to find a balance, to move forward and focus on me and the kids but WH's blows don't stop. I just want him gone from our lives at this point, but guess he wants to be a part of our Ds lives too (mind reading) So does filing in court mean he may not move away himself and hence is a good father? I am so confused and torn. I am giving my best to DB, I really am but my sitch keeps getting worse. I haven't noticed one positive sign, a tiny baby step.

Is it ok to ask him why he wants to take this to court and not mediate?

He probably thinks I am controlling him again by not moving. He is having to choose between kids and OW and blames me for it, his reasoning part of the brain is dead.

Any advise for me?
Posted By: SteveLW Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/15/18 03:12 PM
Talk to your L. I find it hard to believe that a court will grant 50/50 custody to someone that wasn't already engaging in that level of custody now. The courts see it all. They know when a guy is trying for 50/50 custody just to avoid child support.

Also see if the L thinks that the mediation agreed to so far can still be binding? AT a minimum it will mean that things were documented.

Also, talk to your L about the moving thing. He chose to move away, so it should be on him. I know my W's father had to pay all expenses related to her visitation when she was a minor because he chose to move to another city.

I think it will be fine to ask him why he wants to go court instead of mediate. But my guess is $$$$$$. Remember, a short term outlay (legal fees) for him could net him long-term savings. My guess is that this is less about his kids and more about his cash.
Posted By: Davide Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/15/18 04:01 PM
Sorry to hear that this is turning adversarial, Sia.

Quote
Why is he making this further harder and more expensive for both of us?

It sounds like he is going this direction because you didn't roll over and acquiesce to his unreasonable demands in mediation. He didn't get exactly what he wanted so he is going to take it out on you.

Remember what your boundaries are. You can only control yourself and your reactions not him. For him to propose that you move across the country was unreasonable and you rightly denied that. If his reaction is to go to Ls and make this more costly and painful there isn't much you can do other than to protect yourself and your kids. Definitely talk to your L and give him the L's information.

Quote
He has already missed his schedule time twice in 2 months, not sure how he is planning to keep his end of childcare while maintaining a long distance R with OW


Keep track of the dates that he missed. That could be helpful information for you.

Quote
He probably thinks I am controlling him again by not moving. He is having to choose between kids and OW and blames me for it, his reasoning part of the brain is dead.


That is his problem. If he wants to move he can, but he can't force you to. Don't take on his problems.
Posted By: BluWave Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/16/18 01:15 AM
Oh, this really makes my blood boil. He is being so selfish and unreasonable. I just can't imagine any rational person, or any judge, expecting someone to uproot their entire life, kids and job, to accomdate HIS choice to leave the M and move far away. Makes no sense. I am so sorry this is happening. Hopefully he will stay put and create a good relationship with his kids. If he moves away, it should be up to him to visit and create time with such little ones. And a long distance relationship with any child, is just not ideal or best for them

I am really so sorry this is happening! What a complete FOOL this man is! I truly see this all as his loss. He will surely fall on his face some day soon here. He should be so lucky if you ever even consider him again. Sigh,

Take goo care!
Blu
Posted By: sia Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/23/18 02:40 AM
Steve, Davide and Blue, thank you, I was spinning bad last week and it helped me to read all your posts
Nothing great to report from my side, seems like we will file through Ls, I have shared my info with him and he is deciding on how we wants to proceed. What a crazy, fool he is, burned everything we built to the ground, but well I keep telling myself it is his loss, unfortunately he is bringing our family down with him too.
I spoke to him about continuing mediation last week. he is still the same, angry and yelling, he said I was cocky at the mediator's and is going to fight me in the court. Even after 3 months of staying away from home, his attitude towards me has not improved, still is an active volcano. I am better off not even talking to this man.
I am far from fully detached though, I am still getting stronger each day , I have come far in the last 8 months, I went from just having a baby to being told he is done with the MR. I probably took way longer than a few others but each of us has to find our own rhythm to healing fully. I GAL as much as I can, immerse myself with work, talk to a few good friends and spend time improving myself, my personality, tending to my emotional and mental well being. I have found comfort in reading and listening to spiritual teachings, very unlike me but I am trying to find some meaning to all this chaos.
I have also realized I wont stop loving H, and somewhere deep down I know that is okay too. I can still cut him out of my life, he is toxic but I am working hard on my side to forgive him. I need to do this for my own sanity.
I may have to sell the home, especially if we end up in the court, but it make take us at least 6 more months to put it on the market. It makes me sad to give up my home but I am making peace with it. I am praying I do not lose more time with my children, but if I have learnt anything in the last 8 months it is that there is no point worrying about what may happen or unfold in the future. I did that for 5 months and it did not improve my life in anyway, i just tortured myself more. Whatever happens I know there is a higher power that will give me the strength and see me through it.
My Ds are doing well, the baby will be a year old in a few weeks, she was a newborn when all this started. My DDs give me so much joy, I forget all my worries and pain when I am with them. They have been my strength through this, my purpose to push forward. I am blessed that I have them to pour all my love out to.
I continue to hope and pray that my life and sitch improves, whatever direction that maybe, I hope the same for you all.
Posted By: NicoleR Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/23/18 03:34 AM
Hi Sia, it's great to see how you're persevering as you reach the eight month mark and your baby's first birthday. That's really great you're getting through this nightmare in a healthy manner. You can already see how your husband has changed. First he wanted a quick, immediate divorce and now he's the one prolonging the process to get what he wants. I hope whatever happens you'll find a way to avoid him getting more custody of your daughters than what he has now. Someone who has no problem destroying his family doesn't seem like a stable person to raise children 50% of the time. It's great that you're enjoying your daughters and feel happy with them. In a few years they'll already be bigger kids so you'll never regret focusing on them and giving them all your love.
Posted By: sia Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/30/18 01:17 AM
WH texted me to confirm that the D has been officially filed today, I will have to work with my L to move it forward. I am a freaking royal mess today and it hurts still hurts so so bad. I know this was inevitable, I know all of it, that he doesnít deserve me, that I should let go, he will probably repent in the future. But none of this makes the pain any less. I am hardly able to see what I am typing through the tears. Our baby is not even 1 yet, the person I thought was a companion for life has ended this beautiful commitment we shared in the most undignified way. He didnít ever tell me he was unhappy with the MR, didnít ever give me one chance to fix anything. He just broke my heart, my trust and most importantly my childrenís family. The kind, loving man I married just disappeared.
I am surprised that I still hurt so much after 8 months, after the hell he has already put me thru, that I still have tears left. But the finality of it all just got to me today
Oh what I wouldnít have done to save their family for my babies!! They are so sweet so innocent and this man has ruined it all
Today I will cry for all that is lost for all that it could have been.
I pray this ordeal ends soon, I need some tiny little break to get through this dark tunnel, some little fireflies to stay with me thru the rest of this dungeon
Please pray for me and my kids
Posted By: kiwi Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/30/18 02:38 AM
Hi Sia, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know how every little step further apart hurts, even when you expected it. I am sure the pain will get better over time, but that is not much comfort at the moment. Try to enjoy time with your kids, they are a gift.
Posted By: BluWave Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/30/18 03:09 AM
(((sia)))) My heart aches for you! This was so hard to read. :-((( I wish I could shield you from the pain. I wish I could say something to give you hope and assure you that it will not always be this way. ... Maybe this is part of the process and cannot be skipped over tho. Or justified or ignored. Just let the tears flow and embrace this time for what it is. Grief is a long and necessary part of separation. With this sadness today, you build character and strength for tomorrow.
(((Hugs))) We are here for you. You are not alone.
Blu
Posted By: LoneWlf Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/30/18 11:33 AM
Sia- My heart breaks as I read your post and as I try to hold back my tears. I feel your pain and and pray that God surrounds you with his everlasting Love always shedding light in your direction so you can move forward with full conviction knowing you stood for love and family. Blessing sweet lady!
Posted By: Davide Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/30/18 12:26 PM
Sia,

I'm so sorry for you. I can only imagine the pain you must be going through. Please know that the thoughts and prayers of many are with you. You are not alone.

You are brave and strong for facing up to the pain and letting yourself feel it. Even acknowledging it on here and sharing it with us is an act of strength. Your willingness to be vulnerable shows your courage.

So, cry your heart out today, and tomorrow let it fill with love for your children.
Posted By: crofton Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/30/18 05:11 PM
Sia - I found it really hard to read what you are going through, hope things will start getting easier for you soon but it's tough I know right now but you will be OK in time.
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 10/30/18 05:36 PM
Everything I read tells me you will get through this and come out the other side a stronger and better. Can't say the same for your H. Stay strong. There are many, many people rooting for you. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: sia Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 11/01/18 02:49 PM
My DB friends, I am so grateful for the love and support you give me. Your encouraging words helped me move through the pain. I am not going to say I will never break down and cry again, but every time I do, I will get up dust myself and move forward. I will never give up and all your support means so much to me, I will never be able to convey it in words. A heartfelt thank you to all of you, just wanted you all to know I am doing fine and I am as usual moving forward building a better future for me and my kids. WH was on a texting frenzy yesterday but I have neither the time nor energy to get into details right now. He is best ignored, my life otherwise is beautiful and I am blessed
Thank you my friends
Posted By: Davide Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 11/01/18 04:24 PM
What a great update sia! Despite the pain it sounds like you are in a great place!
Posted By: neffer Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 11/01/18 04:51 PM
Just give your energy to the possitive things. Be there for your kids and keep DB.

You are getting stronger.

Hugs for you and the girls.

(((sia)))
Posted By: LoneWlf Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 11/18/18 08:15 PM
Sorry i haven't been able to keep up with you Sia- I've been thinking about you lately . I hope you and your daughters are well.As for this upcoming D know that my prayers are with you and your family . Blessings!
Posted By: sia Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 11/19/18 03:47 AM
Dear DB friends, I have been visiting the site less frequently I just didnt have the energy to update my sitch anymore. I have been reading along and rooting for all of you. Life is going fine, working a lot with the L, the finances, the custody case everything drains me most days. Working with a L leaves such a bitter taste in your mouth. Not that any of these experiences are good, the legal matter just strains it further. For now, seems like WH has decided to stay put for the sake of kids and not move across the country. The good news is the kids will have their dad around, the bad news is , now that he has decided to not move he is coming for 50/50 custody. Its such a miserable experience either way you dissect it. Amidst all this, no idea how his R with OW is going, still seems to have my D3 talk to her occasionally on video chat so must be all rosy, I neither care nor bother myself with that anymore. I even took the state mandated parenting class for D parents, I must be the only nut case sobbing at children stories there. My children are both my strength and my weakness.
I am emotionally not healed, but I am far enough to realize there is not going to be an easy solution to my stich. As long as WH does not think with his brain there is nothing anybody can do. There is still some contact between us because of the kids and a lot of drama but I dont fret about that stuff anymore. He blamed me that I was spreading rumors about him at work which I denied and told him I wouldnt do anything that would hurt my children even indirectly. But seems like there have been some consequences to his actions. I am trying to remove myself completely from it, this was all his choice so he has to reap what he has sown. I am in my own world not playing any part in his drama. We may have to sell the house because it would be a financial burden for me to maintain it, so I am making peace with it these days.
I am not healed fully, far from being happy but I am not a disaster at least. I go through the D motions like a zombie, I give my best to my job and GAL and with my kids I leave my troubles behind and blissfully immerse myself in their love. our baby turned 1 last week, this all started when she was about 2 months, its been a year to remember to say the least.
Posted By: Davide Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 11/19/18 03:16 PM
Sia,

Good to hear from you. I can't imagine that the legal process is at all enjoyable in a situation like this. Just keep your head down and keep doing what you need to do.

It's great to hear that you can find joy in your time with the kids. Treasure that time, and be grateful for it. They will grow up incredibly fast.

Of course you aren't healed fully, very few of us on here are. I have been thinking about that a lot recently and I think that healing is a nearly never-ending process. You'll never reach the goal-line and think, "ok, I'm finally healed and can get on with my life now." But just because you aren't fully healed doesn't mean that you can't get on with your life, live it to the fullest, and find your passions. Don't close yourself off to new experiences, or to emotions. I know that I can sometimes numb myself so as not to feel anything as a way to get through tough times, but I don't think that is the healthiest way forward.

Sending you much love and positive thoughts,
Posted By: sia Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 11/28/18 08:29 PM
Hi DB family, hope you all had a wonderful thanksgiving. Sorry for the long write up I am catching up on a couple of weeks here.
It has been the hardest year of my life, but to be honest, this may be the first year I have realized and actually been thankful for all the things in my life that are still so wonderful. You all were definitely on my list of expressing gratitude for.

I have been doing well all things considered. Busy with kids, GAL and finding new avenues for myself. Sometimes I am so busy that I run out of time, it is great because it gives me very less time to think about WH, although I admit he does cross my mind few times a day I am not possessed by it anymore.I am practicing mindfulness a lot and it has been immensely helpful

Things with L and D have been continuing, lot of darkness there that is to be expected I suppose. We have a custody hearing in a couple of weeks, every time I speak about this to L it is like peeling scab off of my deep wounds.
But I have convinced myself that whatever happens will be for the best, for me and my kids, I am not going to suffer and fear that I might lose half their childhood. Instead, I will give them 100% of me when they are with me, techincally, if I was only 50% mentally available to them all days it would be the same right. In fact I want to do the most in the time that I actually get with them, they deserve my full attention every single minute.

I attended the court mandated parenting class, all that they could teach me was about 10% of what this site has to offer. The amount of knowledge and advice here is amazing, both as a LBW and a single mother I have gained so much from it. One of the guys who was attending this class, chatted me up for quite a bit and was clearly showing a bit too much attention. Admittedly it was a good ego boost, but I got away as quickly and politely as I could, I am so not ready to start dating and complicate my life further. I have read here that this could be one way to get WH back, but I have too much in my life to handle than going down this path, I dont want WH back because he is jealous or insecure I want a more rounded person.

For WH updates, he dropped off kids unexpectedly one night last week although he had asked for an additional night during the holidays. He seemed very upset on the call and cried when he dropped off the kids saying what he did for them wasnt being enough. I felt sorry for him and told him we were both doing the best as parents and the kids will have their days and miss one of us. He went away without much convo. I shared this with my GF later in the day and she pointed out that he may have done this to spend more time with OW and it actually could be true because I think she was visiting him so he had requested for a schedule change with kids previously. I felt like a fool but to be honest I would be nice to any person who cried in front of me. i wasnt swept by love to console him, it did bother me that he was crying but maybe I fell face first into that. Inviting 2x4s here, please.

My mom seems to have written him a bitter good bye email asking him to leave me in peace and go away for good. He forwarded it to me and asked for my response, I declined saying this is between them, i play no part in it and do not wish to respond. It is her closure I suppose, I am not going to give her a hard time nor am I going to participate in this fruitless convo.
He expresses frustration when I dont text him back right away and he is just as lost as he was before. The beautiful thing I have realized is, I dont want him back with all this baggage and unresolved complications. I would have been a loving, loyal wife with all my faults but since he has decided this MR is not for him I will share my love and loyalty with everyone else in my life who deserve it and still cherish me.
Posted By: OneArt Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 11/28/18 08:55 PM
You are just doing brilliantly. Kindness and compassion are a gift to you as much to anyone else. You are keeping firm boundaries, being yourself, and not allowing yourself to be pulled into the drama. I love what you say about trusting the process and being a 100% parent for however much time you have. I wish more people here took that approach. Why would anyone not want an extra day with their kids even if it meant more time for the OP. Hats off to you, Sia. You have so much to teach everyone here about grace and dignity.
Posted By: BluWave Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 11/28/18 11:43 PM
(((sia))) You amaze me. You are a model DBer. I know it can be draining to post here too and painful to even spell out the words at times. I hope that you will continue to do so. I want posters to see that it is okay to let go! It is best for you and your sanity to just let go of this toxic man and focus on you and your girls. You are not hanging on to the idea of him or disillusioned that having him back would be better for you. He would need to change and be remorseful before you even considered him! So you know you don't need to waste time worrying about him because he has not shown you someone that can be trusted or share mature love. You don't want him as he is.

Most posters just hang on to their M, the idea that it would be better with them, and they are not doing the hard work that leads to healthy detachment. I struggled with this for a long time too. You really seem to get it and so I believe you will heal and feel better in time. You also build confidence as you know your worth and won't settle for less. Pining for someone that is rejecting us, is toxic to our soul. That toxicity keeps us feeling low about ourselves and so we long even more for someone that is not worthy of us. .... And your progress is rare for someone here that has been at it for under a year. I hope you can give yourself credit for that and find additional strength and resolve. We can all learn something from your story! Your girls are lucky to have you as their mama.

Blu
Posted By: neffer Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 11/29/18 01:21 PM
You are shining so bright S. Your light is glaring!
Posted By: sia Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 11/29/18 02:48 PM
Thank you One, Blu and Neff. I actually write and sound way more positive than I really feel. I am just trying to incorporate positivity in my speech, my writing and as much as possible in thoughts as part of my healing process. But I am still a mess a lot of times. I was tearing up reading your words of encouragement, that is how fragile I am sometimes. If someone shows me any affection I seem to get emotional, I know this is a sign of emotional vulnerability but eventually I will get to a place where I find myself again.
I still really miss my old H, our lovely R, the family we had and my best friend. I still really want him back. But the man that is here today is not that same person, he has metamorphosized into something alien that I have no link to. He not only betrayed me while I was pregnant and just had a baby, but the cruelty shown there after was beyond what any sane human would do to another being. I tolerated so much thinking I am doing it for the sake of my daughters. I havent elaborated all the events in the last few months but he has troubled me in every possible way legally, emotionally, financially. I have accepted it must be a karmic relationship, I am paying back for something I must have really wronged him for previously. I am a techie by profession but I have leaned so much into the metaphysical realm for support to make any sense of my life at this phase.
While my future life is uncertain, I know I will survive and find my path. For my own sanity I need him as far away from me as possible. Unlike a lot of other WAS here, he has been relentless with D, dragged me to a mediation 2 months post BD and when that fell through filed in court. The truth is any man out there will treat me so much better than WH and I have so much to offer that I deserve the best. I am not willing to be someone's fall back option.
I have gained so much from this forum, the support and love here is unconditional. If not for this place I would have taken so much longer to get to the mental state I am in today.
While it still feels like the biggest tragedy of my life, I am ok with D. If he wants back he needs to prove his worth.
Posted By: neffer Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 11/29/18 03:01 PM
If YOU want...
Posted By: sia Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 11/29/18 03:04 PM
Originally Posted by neffer
If YOU want...
LOL Neffer, Hugs.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 11/29/18 03:17 PM
Originally Posted by sia
I have accepted it must be a karmic relationship, I am paying back for something I must have really wronged him for previously. I am a techie by profession but I have leaned so much into the metaphysical realm for support to make any sense of my life at this phase.


sia, this makes me think you blame yourself. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. It isn't about pay back etc. It is about the fact that people have freewill and can choose behaviors that harm others. Think about it, if everything bad was the result of someone doing something bad themselves, where did it start? There could never have been the first bad thing because everyone would have been innocent and undeserving of the bad pay back!

No this is about your H making horrible life choices.....and because we live in an unfair world you and your Ds (as well as many other people on the periphery of your lives) have to suffer because of if. YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS!!

And therefore, he doesn't deserve you EVER taking him back.
Posted By: sia Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 11/29/18 06:30 PM
In a way you are right Steve, there are times when I feel guilty about the breakdown of the family for my kids. My guilt is not as a W, it is as a mother that I couldnt provide my children a well rounded family. But I also know this is not on me mainly on him, while I can look at my mistakes and work on them the route he chose was extreme. I still need to learn more of self forgiveness. Thank you for your kind words.
Posted By: BluWave Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 11/29/18 07:07 PM
I think Steve is onto something here. It does appear that you blame yourself a bit. While both partners are responsible for the highs and lows in a M, I don't think that makes us responsible or deserving of how we are treated by them when they mistreat us.

I do believe in karma, but I also know that terrible things happen to good people. What I mean is that I don't think they are mutually exclusive. I work in an ICU and am surrounded by suffering and death. I see it happen to people that abuse and neglect their bodies for years and I also see it as much in those that take care of themselves. It pains me when I see a young and healthy mother (especially a kind, loving and devoted person) wither away to cancer. Then she leaves behind these innocent babies that will go through life without their mom. No child deserves that, yet it happens. None of us can explain why, but it does.

I wonder if believing in the idea of karma is as significant as the karma itself. I often choose to do good things and joke to myself that I am banking good karma. Just as a superficial example, I am all about the good carpool karma. It your kid needs a ride to practice, you can text me, and I'll take them. I will go out of my way to help friends and parents on any day that I can. I do this in hopes that when I need help getting my kids there, it will be returned. Mostly, I do it because it feels good to help others. It gives me a little boost. So I know I have to keep doing good, not just to get something in return, but because I have faith it grows me as a person. Those little boosts do add up!

Blu
Posted By: Maika Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 11/29/18 08:07 PM
I also believe in karma, but I strongly believe that you cannot control when and how it will present itself to the other person. It maybe on their death bed and they realize that their whole life was a sham, or it may be 5 years from now when their life didn't turn out like they thought it would. So, rest assured karma will come when it's supposed to come. You keep being you and stay true to your values.
Posted By: sia Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 11/30/18 02:50 PM
Thanks Blu and Maika, I believe in good karma too, all I can do is not hurt someone else on purpose, help when possible and hope when I or my kids need something I will find support. Which to be honest this past year i have found lots of and I am grateful for it.
WH had asked me if he can take our D to a vacation after her 4th birthday, knowing she would love it I had said yes. This morning she tells me, OW and her D are going along too. I hear this from my D, despite all that I have been thru this was like driving a knife through my heart.
While I am dealing with the stress of the upcoming custody hearing, he is planning a vacation with OW and exposing my child to it. I know it is of no use if I ask him, he is either going to call me paranoid or something worse. Legally there is nothing I can do either. How do I tolerate this as a mother? He doesnt want the baby to go along, probably wont be a fun vacation with child care. As a W I can accept this although it hurts like heck, but as a mother I am struggling.
This man is the most miserable, selfish @$$hole that cannot think of our child's best interest even. How can someone so true, genuine and loving turn into this? I know this will eventually be the reality after D, but to do this with his AP while officially still being married and bringing our little D into all this is just beyond my endurance.
Posted By: marina7 Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 11/30/18 03:18 PM
Sia,

My heart goes out to you, I know every word you write, and can feel
your pain. Especially with younger children's and the holidays around the corner grrrrr...

Just know your doing your best at a time like this.
Is ok to have a bad day or sad day.
I remember yesterday I cried at therapy office and said
I am so angry at myself after 1yr and 8 months I still cry
Abd care. Therapist replies is ok to feel this way M.
And you will feel this way for a long time.

So that being said is ok to feel Sad and miss your old H.

Also I know what you mean about H planning trips.
W and I was in mediation which been tough and hard.
W could only think about getting passport for kids for W and OW
Can take a trip to Disney Cruise. I was like WTF
I was in all. Is like our Spouses don't see nothing wrong. Is freaking
Bat sh&t crazy but trust me your not crazy.

They have a way to cope with crap.

Unfortunately our kids don't become there priority the Other person
becomes there every thing.
And this is why I am my kids everything they see mommy is their for them

So I ask you to keep being there forget about H. You keep fighting for those
Girls. I will say this yours just started I been in court now a year. Kids have a Guadian ad litem
Is a mess. But keep log of everything times H don't pick up, or late or anything that will
Help you in the future. Financially keep everything that shows if H doesn't help with Daughter's
Because at the end the Guadian ad litem will ask all the proof. I just gave her 2 books of journal
I been keeping when kids are sick in W care or not sleeping well. W driving with kids at 2am in the
Morning. My kids are a little older so that also help me.

So please keep everything noted safe

And remember court don't care about he said she said. They hate pitty party
Always stay strong and firm. Don't become a Victim in court they will notice it.
Keep your point straight and forward. As I did I simply kept my story the same.

Trust me MLC Spouses will drown themselves Why.. because there' stories changes
Constantly and the monstering comes out in court. Always stand strong.

Remember your the stable parent. Trust me they break. My W at first did good.
But as time pass and more courts W slowly started breaking, stories changing
Blaming the world and even me for everything. All I did was listen and never
Showed my angry or sad side I would have my breakdowns after court.

So stay strong for your girls...
Posted By: Davide Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 11/30/18 03:55 PM
Sia,

Good to hear from you again! Going back to the karma discussion, my problem with it is that there often seems to be an element of quid pro quo. We do something good with the hope/expectation that it will be paid back to us in some way, some day. Isn't that what DB principles preach against? We don't do things for the reaction of others or with expectations of any kind. We act the way we do because it aligns with our values. If I am nice and pleasant to my W, it is simply because that is how I want to carry myself with everyone I meet.

I'm sorry to hear about your piece of sh#t WAH. I think it is probably good for you and your detachment to see how horrible his actions are, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with them emotionally. Just remember, you can't control him or what he does. Try to let it go. You are right not to confront him as nothing good will come from that. Focus on yourself and your time with the baby.

You have already shown incredible strength, Sia. This is another challenge, as unwanted as it may be, that you can rise up to.

Hugs.
Posted By: NicoleR Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 11/30/18 08:55 PM
Sia,

That's such a nightmare! As a mother I couldn't tolerate that. You already said yes before you knew and can't stop your husband from introducing your daughter to OW and OW's daughter, but could you tell your husband you changed your mind and you don't want her to go? Sure eventually it'll happen anyway and your husband will probably just fight back, but is it in your daughter's best interest to send her off on a trip where she sees your husband and his girlfriend together as a couple when your daughter still remembers you and your husband together as a couple? And to be paired with another girl who she doesn't know and they have to stay together in a hotel? It seems that'll be confusing for your daughter. Maybe there's nothing you can do and you have a great ability to manage your reactions, but I know personally I'd fight against such a trip.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's so unfair to you and your daughters. I know there is an endless supply of affair partners and OW's in the world, so if it's not one it's another, but you have to question any woman who's willing to break apart a family and steal a husband from a pregnant mother or mother of a newborn. Such a woman is evil. I'm sure your husband told her all kinds of lies about how you're a bad person and he's the victim, etc.. to gain the OW's sympathy but still, if she was a good person, she'd refrain from engaging in an affair. Now that she's stolen your husband she's suddenly going to be a mother figure to your daughter going on a fun trip? Don't we as parents have a right to know who is staying with our children in a hotel or traveling with them?

By the way last winter right after my husband wanted to get divorced he whisked off his girlfriend to Dubai for an ultra-luxury getaway staying next to the Burj Khalifa, going on a desert safari, and dining at the best restaurants. He never even called to say goodbye to our daughter before he left, we had no idea where he was going (he said he's taking his father to his home country), and he had stopped paying for our expenses a few weeks before that. I was sick, unemployed, had no money, and I was sleeping on a mattress on the floor of a shabby apartment totally broken by my husband leaving right when we built our dream house and he was off having the time of his life with a 26 year old he'd just met a few months before. I don't know how these things are possible. Just like your husband my husband used to be so sweet, gentle, and loving. I guess the minute they fall out of love with us, and in love with someone else, then they become that sweet gentle person to the new woman and all we see is a monster.

It's terrible when you get blamed for the marriage ending and your husband is already off enjoying his life with another woman, just like you've become trash and the other woman is a beautiful pearl. But these other women who enable these men's behavior and men who make these choices will face the consequences. I don't believe in Karma, but I believe eventually your husband's fantasy bubble will burst or he'll realize on his deathbed what he's done. And the other woman will eventually get cheated on by some other guy or will end up single and no guy will want her because she's not a high quality, good woman.

All I can do is sympathize. I'm working with a very senior person from the UK government who's had many life experiences. His wife is currently dying of cancer and he said he doesn't know what he'll do when she's gone. I was telling him how my husband left and I'm also trying to figure out what to do. I wish I could have captured his words, but he gave a long explanation as to how it's much worse when your spouse leaves you than when they die. Obviously we don't want either to happen, but betrayal and abandonment just have to be two of the worst human experiences that exist in the world.
Posted By: sia Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 12/14/18 04:25 PM
Marina, thanks so much. I appreciate all the advice. I have read your threads and supported you, have nothing to add but please know I am with you.
Davide and Nic, as always, you guys are the best and thank you for the support.
Updates -
I have hardly been able to visit the boards, will catch up and comment on your sitches soon. Our D settlement is almost final, the past few weeks there has been a lot of back and forth and with a complete communication breakdown between WH and I we had to rely on lawyers. For 2 people who just had a baby a year ago and were supposedly completely in sync this seems crazy but well that is where things are right now. WH is an energy drain to be honest, he [censored] out any positivity I try to bring in my life and for my own sanity I have kept communciation a minimum. Although the final settlement is yet to be signed, I am content where it has reached. The one and only thing I wanted is financial security for my 2 babies and I think I have achieved that through this. Basically both WH and I would start off with hardly any money to our names, but we are adults who should be able to take care of ourselves. I want my childrens future secured so I can rest in peace that they have an ability to get a great education no matter how things pan out in the future.
WH called me last week and we talked for over an hour for the first time in a year now. It was mainly about the items for separation agreement but he did open up a tad bit. For the first time, he owned some of his mistakes and confided that he was still severely depressed. We didnt hit any romantic chord, but I think we spoke as co-parents of 2 beautiful children who deserved better. There was still a lot of blaming me for things that were obviously his to own, he is far from having any kind of remorse and doesnt admit that there is a OW. I owned my part of the demise where I thought it was appropriate but kept quiet when I did not agree to the blames he laid on me. I did not validate because I wanted to save the MR anymore, I only did what would be the right thing to do. He was crying at times I only choked up when I spoke of how it didnt matter what we had done to each other but we surely had failed our beautiful little children. He thinks the children are going to be absolutely fine, he agreed he was slacking while he was at home where as I have always pulled 100% of the weight as a mother and he feels he is a better father now. I responded that I am glad for the children. He is not in any therapy for his depression, he feels no therapist understands him, probably because he is still not able to own his part in it and is looking to shift blame. He feels severely judged by the people around us, some of it seems to be paranoia on his part. The same people I told him have been supporting me, either in offering it up verbally or giving me my space without asking questions. We are on such very different frequencies at this time. I told him that if the lows of life could be so low for both of us, the highs are going to be that much better for each of us individually and I cant wait to see what future unfolds but he seems to be in the its all doomed phase. He wanted me to move away from here to escape all the judgement and it was no longer to the place where OW lives. I firmly but politely told him, it is time I think of what is best for the girls and me and I am planning my life here in the future and I will not be moving anywhere any time soon. He voiced out that I had coped so much better with this than him. I did not find faults, point fingers or remind him of his mistakes or that this is all his decision, to be honest I do not find the need to do it anymore. I just want to be. Was I secretly hoping he will admit his mistake and want to come back, absolutely, but I have no urgency for it nor do I feel attracted to him the way he is right now.He truly seems still broken and lost.

I am DBing now, not to save my MR anymore, but honestly to move forward. Talking to him although made me sad to see where we had ended, I have no desire to beg him to come back or even take him back as he is now. He has no remorse and his baggage is so heavy that it is not my problem anymore. I realize it is going to take him a long time to own his mistakes, if he ever does. He still lives in his head convincing himself that his choice was the right one for the family. I may not be able to save my MR afterall, the D is right round the corner but I am really OK, disappointed at how it ended but I have learnt so much in the past year that I could have gone a life time without realizing any of it my entire life if not for BD. In my own strange way, I am grateful even for this year which has been the most painful year of my life. I am so much wiser for it.
On a side note, I think I know who the OW is. It is a friend of his from school that he met up while I was pregnant last year. He probably was depressed already, I was a crazy irritable pregnant person who felt he wasnt pulling his weight and made him feel bad about it. Somewhere we both lost it, as I grew more irritable he drew himself closer to OW. She is also going thru a D, the 2 bozos moved out at the same time and probably are supporting each other through it all. It is so shallow of him though that all it took was 6 months to meet OW and BD me, after 2 children and 15 years together I know I deserve better.
But none of that matters anymore, either he stays back here for the sake of kids post D or he runs to pursue his happiness with OW is up to him. I have my beautiful life to make and 2 wonderful children to raise. I do really believe that after all this $h!t, life can only get better and exciting from here on.
Posted By: Davide Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 12/14/18 06:58 PM
Quote
I am DBing now, not to save my MR anymore, but honestly to move forward. Talking to him although made me sad to see where we had ended, I have no desire to beg him to come back or even take him back as he is now. He has no remorse and his baggage is so heavy that it is not my problem anymore. I realize it is going to take him a long time to own his mistakes, if he ever does.


Sia, this is great! Your head is exactly where it should be right now and you are really seeing him for who he is. He clearly has his head so far up his rear that he can't see where is north. You, on the other hand, are self-aware even if you are a bit too critical of your mistakes. Once you get free of his orbit of negativity you will be able to more clearly see a brighter future for you and your girls.

((hugs))
Posted By: NicoleR Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 12/17/18 04:24 AM
Hi Sia,

It's really interesting to hear what your husband had to say and to hear about who the OW might be. I'm glad that he's not as happy as one might imagine. It's also good to hear that there's a settlement reached that helps protect your daughters financially. This is all still hard and draining but it's so nice that you love your daughters so much and are dedicated to them. I agree that life can only get better after surviving this atomic bomb. There are not too too many women from your culture single and raising kids alone. You may just pave the way for other women to gather the strength to leave their abusive marriages. When they see you doing it they'll believe they can do it too. Most people in this world will never understand what you went through, or what a hero you are as you quietly went through a divorce with two little kids in a country far away from your family, or how you stood in the face of betrayal and survived. As I've mentioned in my post I found living and working in war zones easier than going through this. I guess you can do anything once you make it through this!
Posted By: LoneWlf Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 12/18/18 02:34 PM
Sia - seems to me your Hs true self is now showing- Funny how we think the person who would take a bullet for us ( when we married) is now the one pulling the trigger. You are a strong confident woman and you deserve much better than this. I feel your pain and struggles - I see your depth in your insights and reflection. I know it will be tough but you can do this!
Let the LOVE for your daughters be the fuel to see you find peace thru this journey. Hugs to you all (((SiaDD)))!!!
Posted By: sia Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 12/19/18 02:47 PM
Davide, Nicole and LW thank you for the boost you guys.
I wanted to give an update on my sitch and I think some 2x4s are needed at this point. WH and I have been in frequent touch the last few weeks due to the Ds birthday celebrations, settlement discussions etc. The air has cleared out so much, it may just be that I am feeling better or it may actually be that we are at least communicating better. Last week when he called during our discussion I did tell him that I am not dating anybody yet but will definitely move forward with my life post D. He just said he is not in that frame of mind, he fudging clearly is still deep in his A and his denial makes him say I am the one moving on. I had a birthday party for my Ds and he was present, it went amazingly well and everyone had so much fun. He was aloof but I invited him because my D will want both her parents by her side on her special day. I was happy, upbeat and most people who didnt know couldnt even tell we were going through a D. Couple of days ago when I was talking to D on the phone while she was with him she mentioned about OWs daughter, I wasnt interested in carrying on with the convo anymore so I gently wished a good night to D and cut the call. He texted me back saying it was just his friend's D and he doesnt want me misunderstanding anything there. This man is still in complete denial and will go to any lengths to prove there is no A.
Yesterday we texted back and forth about the financial settlements, I was quick in my repsonses because I just want it all settled at this point. During the texting convo I said, all I want at this point is financial security for our Ds so we can both move on our own separate paths without any baggage. I wished him luck with the pursuit of his happiness and told him I am in my own way happy where I am today. There was no response from him to this. I did not mean to pursue with the above statements and I may be anti DB rules but I really did mean all that I said. He still seems to be severly depressed, he should be for the fool that he has been, but I do feel sorry for him. Not in an overwhelming loving way but like I would for any friend of mine.
While I am far from fully healed I do feel good most days, its almost 10 months to BD and 5 months to physical S.
May be it looks like pursuit to him or maybe it feels like I am trying to move forward. Either way I dont care as much as I used to, for the first time in one year I really have my power back and the dynamics between us is more on even keel. I may have softened in my own approach because once he decided to stay back for the kids he is really trying to be a good dad, part time albeit. He has switched the parental days for the kids quite a bit and most times if it works for me I agree.
I still dont want a D but at this point I am more disappointed than sad if that makes sense.
Posted By: neffer Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 12/19/18 02:57 PM
You are a DBer girl! Be proud of the place where you are standing. Keep shining there SŪa!
Posted By: Davide Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 12/19/18 04:21 PM
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Either way I dont care as much as I used to, for the first time in one year I really have my power back and the dynamics between us is more on even keel.


This is the key. You are taking charge of your own life and protecting your daughters. Keep your focus on that, not on where your H is mentally, or what a clusterf@ck he is making of his life. That's his problem at this point. You are strong and capable, and ready for something much better than what he can give you.
Originally Posted by sia
I wanted to give an update on my sitch and I think some 2x4s are needed at this point.


Actually I think you did fantastic! You're letting him pursue the D, you're not helping but you are not blocking it either. You told him you are not dating but are leaving the door open to it- perfect. You said you're happy to move on without him, just right. Even the joint birthday party was in my opinion a good idea, as long as you can do it without expectations then it is the healthiest thing to do for your D. Plus it's an opportunity to show him what he's missing.

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I wished him luck with the pursuit of his happiness and told him I am in my own way happy where I am today. There was no response from him to this.


GOOD! You know why? Because he is taken aback that you are not pathetic, weepy, desperate and begging him to take you back. He's more than a little stunned to discover Plan B is a rug that's been pulled out from under him. WELL DONE.
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I still dont want a D but at this point I am more disappointed than sad if that makes sense.


It does and that is a healthy attitude.
Posted By: sia Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 12/28/18 09:22 PM
Neffer and Davide, thanks for the support.
AS, thanks for the guidance. Some of those remarks from me I wasnt sure but it did make me feel good.
Updates,
I think I blew a few DB rules miserably in the last 2 weeks, you slip and fall so often even after months of this. Sorry for the long write up.
WH and I were texting back and forth about financial settlements and when he said he's proven to be a great father I responded back saying I am just watching out for the kids because tomorrow his step kids or more of his own might take priority and it went downhill from there, I know, my fault, sigh. Later he started texting about how I am not being a good co-parent by sending him updates of kids and sharing more info during exchanges. So WH sends me pics, videos, and random info about kids. I have kept it to a bare minimum. I tell him what is absolutely necessary and nothing else. I basically told him our definition of co parents is different, I will not update him constantly of how they are when with me, at the same time I completely trust him with his parenting and wont interfere while he has them. I accept all his video calls because it is for the kids and call them when he has them. Other than that I communicate minimally. I dont give a status update when he picks them up nor do I ask for it if he asks them. I assume, they are fed, cleaned etc depending on time of day. I responded that I will be happy to share what he asks for, he basically said, I am not getting it and that I havent changed at all. In a few mins, he re-texted that he was sorry and that he should not have judged me and I just said thank you.
This whole exchange put a damper on my day, any exchanges with him does, it is like I cannot go about my own business. I was hurt by his remark, I was then angry at myself for still letting him hurt me.
I showed the whole exchange to my BFF, she has been my rock thru this, knows both of us well and I trust her fully. She felt that while he came off as being grounded, calm and assertive my messages were full of anger and spite. Although I respond once for his 7-8 msgs, and am polite in my words she could sense this. I needed her honest feedback, I have never asked anyone to look into my private msgs before and this was an eye opener. Although I believe I am handling myself well, it svcks to know I am conveying resentment. Massive DB fail without realizing it I guess. This is so hard to do with kids involved.
Even after 10 months of this, I dont know how to take this like a champ and show only the best of me and let go. I am trying to heal myself but clearly any third person can sense what I leave unsaid.
Another night last week, he asked for schedule change and when he came to pick kids up, D4 was reluctant and wanted to stay home with both her parents. He wanted to just leave the kids with me since he was worried they may cry for me later on. I had him wait for some time until we gently talked her into it and I sent them when she was in a better mood, she wasnt excited but was more open to it. When he asked me to keep the kids, I told him I had plans with a friend that I could not cancel and its almost a year and that I need to move on too. I dont know what made me say that but I really want him to keep his end of the deal with kid times. He has dropped off kids with no prior notice because they were unhappy and I have had to change plans last minute. It is hard as a mother, but isnt it the right approach to say he should stick to his times if he has asked for it?
He has always said I am inflexible and stubborn so may be it is more of the same behavior and 180 fails, but I just want to let be and do what is good for my emotional well being.
I am thinking I will do a summary text just before the exchanges from now on, more like what I get at day care, this way I do not have to talk to him when he is around and I convey the status of kids to him about food, bath, diapers etc.
I like how Cadet compares detachment to the layers of an onion. Well, one more day to live and learn, my layer still seems very initial today. Other days I do so much better.
Posted By: NicoleR Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 12/30/18 04:19 PM
Hi Sia,

It doesn't sound like you messed up to me. There are always things we can do better, but isn't it normal to feel and convey resentment given what happened? You're still human! I think you can take what your friend said and use it to improve but also to be gentle with yourself knowing you've had to go through hell this past year. Regarding the schedule change, is your divorce still pending? I guess I don't know whether it'll be different after divorce when everything is written in paper or if it'll always be flexible as it is now.
Posted By: LoneWlf Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 01/26/19 05:44 PM
Hey Sia,

Looks like you and I have not been here in a while. I hope you and your daughters are well. Looks like you are going thru a possible messy D. I wish you well on your journey. Know that my prayers are with you. Blessings!
Posted By: sia Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 01/28/19 02:36 AM
Hi DB family, I have been occasionally visiting the site reading a few posts. Just thought it was time to give another update. Nothing much happening really, D is filed and its just a matter of months now, most things sorted out between us although final signatures arent done yet. It is but a legal piece of paper now, I have been living this life for close to 7 months. WH is still full of lies and leading his parallel life, he was visiting OW this week and lost a day with kids due to flight delays, he has a million excuses of where he actually was, it is weird now I talk as if he is at OWs place and he still is in denial. It hurt as soon as I realized he has gone to see OW again but then the pain passed in a few hours. I gave back to him a few of the most valued emotional items of our journey together, some pieces of jewellery, wedding ring, poems he wrote for me all those years ago, they were all over the house and somehow I felt they were emotional chords holding me back so I just returned them to him and told him they were things that I do not need anymore.
On a personal front, I have been slowly healing. I still have bad days but I recoup quicker now, also I realize the pain will not just disappear it will fade slowly at its own pace. I feel sorry for WH in my own way, if he is even half the man I knew him to be, his guilt will slowly eat him alive. If he ever comes back it will not be any time soon, he is still lost and lives in his parallel universe. I will never take him back the way he is, I have suffered so much because of this man I dont want him any more. I think I can truly now say ILYBNILWY to him, the occassional hurt is residue from the past, the new me absolutely doesnt desire him in anyway. Sour grapes or true healing, either way it works.
My life is going well, I am great at my job, now way more thankful that I have it than I ever have been, I am a super mom to my Ds, I feel sad when he drops the ball especially when I see how they light up on seeing him. But while they are with me I make our home paradise on earth.In a very strange way, this journey of mine has awakened me at a deeper level, I am more present, full of gratitude to what I have, a better mother, a person with so much patience and mentally I must have aged about 50 years this past year. I may have gone a life time never knowing so many things. At BD it was all about me, why me, what is lacking in me, then it was about him, how could he do this, why is he so broken to break me and somehow for past few weeks its about me again but in a good way. What if all this happened because I would have never taken this journey myself otherwise, seen the things life is offering with a clearer lens, appreciate everything for its true value. I have so much in life still, WH is just a facet of my life that didnt work out. I had made him the center of my universe, without realizing all along that I was the actual center and he was just a part of it.
It still wrenches my heart when I realize my kids dont have a proper family, but I have to accept that neither my actions nor my decisions caused this. It is on me to make them much stronger than I have been. I am neither ready nor healed enough to date, that may take a few years considering WH was my only partner in everything, but I cannot open myself to new hurt there and that is not my way of healing. I am looking into other career oriented goals for myself and am finding happiness in things I can actually control and are on me.
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 01/28/19 04:25 AM
Great update Sia. You and I sound like we are in very similar places... accepting our realities, appreciating what we have and working on being better parents and people. I, too, have noticed that my pain is slowly fading and am grateful for that as well. Time really does help. Looking forward to hearing future updates. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: BluWave Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 01/29/19 02:30 AM
(((Sia)))

I am always so grateful when you come back and give us an update! Your consistency in posting, and more so in your updates and progress, shows you have strong and loyal character. I admire the way you have handled things from the beginning, and your realistic, yet positive, attitude towards your sitch. You are a wise soul. I see so much good in your future. You deserve better things in life than what WH could offer and you know it. Let OW have these table scraps. She is a fool. I feel sort of sorry for him as well. He will eventually crash and burn, as he is just running away wildly from life. He should be so lucky if you ever considered him again. He would need to work very hard to be worthy of you.

You are one tough mama! I know you will continue to build a beautiful future for you and Ds.

Blu
Posted By: NicoleR Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 02/08/19 01:02 AM
Hi Sia, I found your thread. It's amazing how time has passed. That sounds right that it'll take a while for your husband to figure out his issues and reach the point where he'll try to come back. It seems the end of the affair / relationship with the other woman might be the point where he's forced to confront reality. In the meantime it's great how you've reflected on your own journey and focus on your kids and career. I think it's really helpful when we find out another woman is in the picture because it makes us realize it's not our fault and that even with our flaws it's never ok for our husbands to have an affair. It's still terrible what happened to you but I'm 100% positive your daughters will someday realize what happened to you and they'll remember how you handled it and they'll be stronger for it.
Posted By: sia Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 02/26/19 03:32 AM
Thanks Deja, Blu and Nicole. You are such great friends I wish I could meet you all in person

I have been very infrequent on the forum, work has been hectic and just trying to expand my life. My healing journey continues. WH has been the king of crazy land and looks like his reign there will last for sometime. I am staying away from it as much as I can. There have been times when he has pulled me into convos which if they were temp checks I may have failed but to be honest for most part I sail through, I donít put them on these boards even anymore because finally I understand those one or two convos donít matter. I am who I am, I am also growing both emotionally and spiritually, if he doesnít want to be with me then itís his loss. My focus is on me and on the kids.
I am taking a 2 month trip with the kiddos and will not be on these boards. I have been standing strong by myself and raising 2 lil ones for almost 8 months now , I am going to my home country to spend time with family. Hopefully this will give me a good break and much needed rest
It may sound silly but sometimes when I think of the what ifís and WH returning I almost feel bad to give up my new life and independence. And I havenít even remotely started to think of dating or a new R. I am mostly enjoying myself when I am not GAL, I realize I am a delightful person really. There are bad times of course itís now a year to BD, but I handle them so much better

I will be thinking of you all and wishing all your lives are filled with peace. Hoping I see you all more joyful when I read all your updates once I m back.
I for one, am determined to make my own life a great one, why shouldnít I, after all I am so blessed

Love to you all
Posted By: Davide Re: I am still standing with my daughters - 02/26/19 01:34 PM
Have a wonderful trip Sia!

May the time with family and friends fill you with joy!
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