Moving on - DivorceBusting.com

Old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2804491#Post2804491

XW came by. I know I overreact and was out of line on thursday and friday. I apologized and explained that her behaviour was disrespecting towards me and D8. (She sent pics of D8 in the hospital to OM, who the kids have never met or don't know he exists) Naturally she saw that she did nothing wrong. It is not my business who she sends pics to. I told her that yes, it is not my business, but it is disrespecting towards me and she should respect my point of view on this. "I don't see things that way." And she took off.

I fully understand where your coming from. I found out not too long ago that my W was sharing pics w/ OM and also discussing family business and our S too. You dont bring outsiders in on your kids business and how to parent imo. The whole thing os just as bad as havimg the A in the first place. It seems they lose allnsense of anything being sacred when they are in this state. Things they say they would never do, are done without a second thought.

That was a cheeseless tunnel. She knows why she did it, but she's also right that it isn't your business really. So let it go. She's not going to admit she did it to make you feel bad.

I usually don't react to her things, she does what she does. But when it has something to do with kids...too much for me. Sure if the OM was involved in kids life and they were ok with it, no prob. But at the moment...no f-ing way.
I did tell her that she is right about that not being my business. But she should respect my POV. But I guess that is too much to ask.

I can just imagine XW jumping for joy. One thing that has caused fights during S/D is money. She doesn't want to pay for anything naturally. But who does. Anyway. I just received a joint payment order from our real estate agent. I can see her reaching for more beer when she read my message about it. Reality bites.

This roller coaster is not a fun ride. Now XW is acting like nothing ever happened...I'll be getting off on the next stop, thank you.

You have to realize you don't control XW.

Its hard. I think the saddest part about separating from my son's father was just not having those "family moments" together. He has a whole other life that I wouldn't be a part of.... that crushed me a little.

But you need to put on your Big Boy Pants. XW is free to live her life just as you are free to live yours. You thoughts and opinions are not hers. She was most likely reaching for emotional support for the situation of mutual child in hospital and hence the picture to her significant other.

This comes back to the only person you can control is yourself. You are going to realize that you can't make or expect your XW to parent exactly like you or to have the same thoughts an opinions as you. You can hope to protect your kids from a revolving door of OM in XW's life but you truly have no control over it or say in it. What you can do is be the best dad out there for your child. Few divorced families coparent so exceptionally as to come to agreements about when and how things with other significant others factor in, etc.

Cat. You are right and I know that I can't control her. I've never even tried that. Not when we were dating, married, S or D.
For me it was just disrespectful. That's all. As for the "family moments"...XW wants me to send her pics so she can be a part of them and she sends me pics. I don't send the pics but she wants me to.

Petri,

She is not part of YOUR family and you are not a part of HER family. She chose not to be part of 50 % (or whatever) of her childrens lives. Let her have it. No sharing family moments. That is a fair consequense.

My XW have sent me maybe 10 pictures over the last 20 months. I have sent her only one. D5 more or less demanded that I sent a picture of her in a halloween costume to her mother and I couldn't talk her out of it. So I did it even if I really didn't want to.

So here's where it gets dicey folks.... doing the right thing.

Your child still loves both parents... even though the parents may not love each other any more.

Petri what you feel is disrespectful may not even be on the same scale that XW has... and vice versa. You don't have to share "family moments" per say which I mean to include pics of yourself or other people but if you have pics of your child at an event - Easter Egg Hunt, School Play... by all means share the pictures.

It seems hurtful that we are missing 50% of our child's lives but even in married families such as those who work long hours, work away from home or are deployed, those spouses miss first events a lot. Spouse have to share those in pictures or videos so don't discount that just because the "other" person chose to end the M.

Would you want to miss the excitement of your child's first tooth falling out? First time they are riding a bike without training wheels? Don't hold those moments hostage as a form of retribution.

By all means you owe your XW nothng in regards to your personal life unless it directly affects her access to your shared child (ie.. job offer and you are moving several states away, etc.) But, be the parent that leads by example and always put your childs best interest and co-parenting at the top. Even if it seems they are not reciprocating. In 10yr you will be glad you did and so will your child.

I know how hard it can be to place anger and disappointment aside, but I deal first hand with children that are seriously damaged by the on going bickering/fighting and hateful behavior of angry/hurt adults.

Hugs!

That's the problem with these. It's not nice to lose 50% of kids life but that is a consequence of a D. I see it as cake eating if I was to send pics to XW. And I see it as re-enforcing her thinking of "nothing has changed, we are just no together anymore". I told her that D brings consequesces and she went nuts.

petri, here is the thing. You have to decide what is right for you. If you can send her pics of the kids, and have no expectations, remain detached, and look it as simply fostering a more friendly coparenting relationship, then do it.

If you think sending her pics of the kids will get her to come back, or if it causes you to remain overly attached then don't do it.

You will get advice both for and against it. Do what works for you. Personally, I side with you. D has consequences, and part of that is that YOU, WAW, do not get to be apart of my time with the kids. But that is me.

Hmmm... Cake eating would be if she was asking to know all your business and trying to keep track of YOU. You are not required to invite her to family functions. You don't have to sit right next to her at soccer games. Your stance comes off as holding children hostage as a repercussion that she chose divorce.

That stance in the long run damages the children - you may be indeed right but is it so important to be right that you lose sight of what's most important?

Co-parenting is "nothing has changed, we are just not together anymore" is exactly how it should be for your child.

Your XW's consequences if she chooses to see them that way is that you are no longer her support system. You don't fix things or pick up things. You don't bale her out when she can't pay her credit card bill. You don't pick up the phone or answer her text if it isn't about shared child. You don't let her tear you down because she has had a bad day.

Food for thought. HUGS

P - Steve is right you will get advise in both directions but you do have to decide what is right for you. Do you want to get pictures of the kids when they are with your XW? If your answer is "YES" then I would reciprocate. If your answer is "NO", then I would not send them.

My XW and I will send pictures of the girls from time to time to each other when it is our off week. Two weeks ago my oldest had a really hard time leaving her mom for the week. It made my XW start to cry as well. After I left we went to the beach swimming and I snapped a picture of our oldest having fun swimming and sent it to my XW. She responded with "Thank you!!!!, I needed that". I didn't respond but for me it was the right thing to do. I am not her friend, her buddy, her therapist or her maintenance man but it is my way of showing to her that I am not an angry jerk that is trying purposely to make her life difficult for what she did to me.

There are good points here. I have no problem in sending XW pics of kids. How about responding to pics or videos that XW sends? What's your take on that? Now I really haven't responded and that pisses her off.

Who cares if it makes her mad. Here is the thing, do what you want to do. Want to respond, go ahead. Don't? Then don't. Don't let her reaction sway you. Remember, she fired you as her H. You are under no obligation to her

Hi Petri, sorry to hear about the latest incidents. My reaction is there's now and then there's the future. Right now it doesn't seem you should be pressured into responding to pictures or sending pictures. You just got divorced and there's a lot of pain and resentment. Maybe someday you'll be indifferent and will want to send some pictures. I'd say to go with your gut instinct.

FYI - I send my husband pictures almost every day. I'm not sure why. I just feel like sharing those cute moments with him since we have a beautiful four year old girl. He started sending me pictures too when he sees our daughter and I'm not with them. I'm not sure if or how that will change if we divorce but in your case it's causing additional stress so it may just not be worth it right at this time.

XW put me in a tight spot. I have plans already for tomorrow. XW knew exatcly that D8 is having the surgery. Now she is working late tomorrow and D8 is pretty much alone with S11 after school. Naturally she texted me if I could take care of the kids until she gets home from work. I'm pretty much stuck between a rock and a hard place.

You don't have anyone you could call in a favor from?

The kids are with XW this week. XW has known about the operation for three months. She could of scheduled that she's off from work. Darn it. I don't have anyone. And XW should be the one to figure this out.

P, it�s about the kids...you should go. Use the DB master�s robe, sceptre and sandals.

Cancelling plans. I can always reschedule. Kids come first.

Petri, it sounds like you're doing the right thing. Your kids will see you as the dependable parent and that means more than anything right now.

I informed XW that I rescheduled my plans and will be with the kids. Got a nice "ok" response.

I made the right decision by watching the kids. More time for me with the kids and a happy mind.

BTW has anyone checked the Mark Manson book? Just brilliant...

When you think things cam't get any weirder...XW just sent me her emotional lock test. You know where they tell ypu if you're dependent, emotionally avoidant etc...I had to ask where is this coming from. She just said she thought it would be good for her to dig in to her own head and if I had the book about these things she could borrow. This is like x-files stuff right now...

I've been detaching like a mad man and setting boundaries. The fact that I infomed MIL that I don't feel comfortable with her staying nights at our house when it's my week is apparrently just me taking revenge on XW and me burning bridges behind me. And XW wants to sit down and talk about things that are bothering us both. Any tgoughts if this would be a good idea?

Petri,
If XW belive that you being uncomfortable with her mother staying at your home, is a revenge on her, then she clearly doesn't care one bit what is bothering you. Most likely she will repeat that statement to whatever you bring up, and expect you to accept and make changes to whatever is bothering her. I'm 18 months divorced and my XW is still playing the same tune whenever i disagree with her. "you are only doing it to hurt me". Completely unreceptive to common sense.
Good luck.

Hi P!. It�s ok for you to stand for yourself. You are D now. You are just setting some boundaries related to your own life. Validate but stand where you need to be standing.

Neff. She isn't taking any validation. Jumps over it and continues with the sameoldsameold.

Just keep validating.

Even when she jumps over it.

Remember the "I understand what you are asking, and why you feel the way you do, but I need some time to consider it before I can answer." tactic. Read the validation thread. Study it.

How are things going P?

Things are going quite good actually. I had a date couple of days ago. Both of us agreed not to have anything serious right now. So detaching and GALing.

XW has laid low for a couple of days now. She had D8 inform me about D8's doctor visit. We usually inform each other about these. Not anymore apparrently. And for some reason ex-MIL is asking me about childcare on XW's turn in a couple of weeks.

But I'm good and the kids seem to be doing just fine!

Let's see what kind of drama we are getting into today. D8 is going to her cousin's b-day tomorrow. D8 said that her mom had told her that dad is going buy the present for D8's cousin. Today XW texted me to remember to buy the present. I told her that it is her niece and I'm not invited at the birthday. XW wasn't excatly happy with my response.

Otherwise things are going along just fine. I've had a great week with my kids.

Petri,

How's life in Finland? Wish I were there. My favorite destination in Europe isn't too far from you.

It's odd that your ex-wife seems so casual and doesn't really act like you two are divorced. It seems she just expects you to do certain things. Perhaps she just needs more reminders that you're divorced now and things are different.
It's good to hear you're doing well otherwise. What did you ever decide to do about your house?

Nicole! It's starting to turn to autumn in full speed. It's ruska time now. Northern lights are lighting up more frequently. But it's dark...

Our house is for sale. Hopefully we'll sell it soon.

XW is mostly communicating through D8. I hate that.

D8 is her pawn? You going to tell her to stop? And to leave you alone for the most part, unless it's child related?

My W hated it when I kept it business, answered her questions, and walked away immediately without small talk or letting her get to talk to me. But it's a good thing, one of those negative reactions that is actually a good outcome.

Yes I'm telling her to stop. Today when I see her. She is not in contact at the time if it's not child/house related.

Petri,

I guess it's not long until the Christmas lights start to brighten the darkness! I'd love to see the Northern lights. I've never had a chance to see them. I miss your part of the world so badly.

I hope you and your ex-wife can find a better way to communicate. I'm sure she was a great woman when you married her and a wonderful wife until this started happening, but her actions as you've described since she left make her sound very immature. You, on the other hand, sound very level headed and rationale given everything you've endured.

Hi Petri, just after I wrote that last post to you I met a family from the West Coast of Finland here in my building! I recognized the language when they were in the common area. They were probably a bit overwhelmed by my enthusiasm but they're really nice and I look forward to spending time with them. I hope you're doing well!

That's good to hear Nicole! Us finns are not all the stereotypes which we are portrayed in. Hopefully...

It's morning here and I just woke up. XW had sent me a link to a song last night. It was a finnish song titled: if it hurts. It's about one lovimg the other to the max and things falling apart despite their love. I don't know what she wanted to express with that song and if I should ask her what she wants to say with it. Any thoughts?

You obviously send her a link to Timberlakes Cry me a River..

No for real, don't respond. Adults communicate in adult language. If she has something to say, she can say it.

That's excatly what I thought. If one has something to say they should say with their own words not with songs which can be seen in many ways.

Oh and Btrow, I went with John Legends All of you...

NO to that song Petri, just NO. Them waywards need tough love or truth darts ;-)

Ok. My bad. Maybe I'll go with Wheeler Walker Jr then...

The thing that worries me is the tone of the song she linked. It has somewhat a message of hurting herself. And that worries me. Her friend informed me that XW is not getting any pleasure or joy out of anything. So alarms are ringing right now.

I obviously do not now that song and wouldn't understand a single word if you posted the lyrics. Shouldn't she be happy in love with OM? Rainbows, sunshine and unicorns. Are you sure that friend of hers isn't just used as a tool to make you feel bad and get with the program?

If not, then yeah, maybe you should be a bit concerned. Are you perhaps considering a simple "are you ok"?

I've heard that she is not happy with OM. I don't know if that is true or not. I am worried. I don't know if I should ask her if all is ok. But I think she would say "yes".

My WW has been in conflict with OM for almost two weeks now and she is miserable and taking it out all on me. She too has talked of being at the point of self hurt but usually people that want to do that don't tell anyone.

The sitch is perfect for me since all anger is directed at our 18 year R and makes it all the more easy to continue detaching. I don't want to be in her presence. Ironic how the fantasy world comes crashing down after the honeymoon phase. Maybe we will both see the final outcomes soon since WWs are both in pain.

I don't want to be analyzing this. If a grown person can't express her emotions with own words then one can't. I asked her about it and she hasn't responded. That is her choice. I'm going about with my things as I've done so far.

Don�t get into questions P...

Just keep the light shining

Petri, sounds like you're doing the right thing. I kind of knew this would happen. Your wife wasn't in her right mind when she filed for divorce and now she's realizing OM isn't so perfect and life isn't so great. It didn't take too long for this to happen!

XW was drunk when she sent the link. No surprise there. No particular reason, the lyrics just "described her past process". And "surely the ongoing process also". I don't get WWs at all...oh well, upwards and onwards.

So. XW texted today. She is in pieces. I offered her a chance to see the kids since I'm working. She doesn't want kids to see her like this, sad and absent. Everything seems to fall apart around her now. The grass was everything but greener on the otherside. And seems like single life isn't all rainbows and sunshine. Oh well. Moving forward.

Reality hits hard!!!!!!

Keep shining P

Now XW wants stop our open house sell. Not to take it off the market just to stop the open house shows. That is funny because she is saying that the only problem is that we still have the house and she doesn't have a place of her own...but apparently we are still in the believe nothing they say and 50% of what they do. But still I'm doing my thing and moving forward.

Her monkeys...

What are your feelings P? How does the GAL go?

Scrambled eggs for brains.

And today XW informed me that once the house is sold she will take custody of one of our kids to get more money. I said it's not going to happen. And...you guessed it...all h*ll broke loose. Oh the spew...long time no see. And the fury when I don't take the bait.

Neff. My GAL is mainly doing karate, hanging out with friends and family and when with kids I dedicate my time to them as much as I can. I'm actually going away for the weekend with old friends. My feelings? About the house you mean? Or about her?

Steve. Very well said!

Feelings are always about you P

The spark, the hope is somewhere inside you. It seems she is going to be around for some time. Temp checking, fighting, gas lighting, you�ll have many versions of XW. Time will come when you won�t give a f*ck.

Don�t feed her monkeys. Good!
Stay strong P!

XW seems to be quite depressed. She texted me asking for the name of the therapist we went for. She just said that she is so deep in darkness that she can't get out by herself. I gave her the info and that's it.

Hi P. Thanks for the update. It seems XW has decided to work on herself. That�s always good news. Your kids need a healthy mother. Hope she can maintain consistence and internal strength to be able to start moving forward.

Hi Petri, how do you feel knowing that your ex-wife is depressed and is no longer a happy cheating party girl? I'm just curious. I think many of us wonder how we'd feel if we see our spouses show signs of regret. I hope she gets help and I hope you're doing well!

Today was a hard day. We had to put our dog to sleep. Emotionally hard even though she was old. XW tried hard to keep her emotions in control but she lost it too. Our dog was the first thing we ever got together.

Nicole. I feel bad about it in a way. She hasn't shown any regret. At least not to me. And she broke with OM. Time will tell if she'll stay broken up with him. And she is getting therapy again.

I�m sorry for your dog P. Hope your children are ok. How�s GAL going?

Everything is fine. She was already 13 and in pain. Better this way.
As far as GAL...mostly work and kids for a week and a half. This weekend I'm gonna hang out with friends and have a couple of drinks. Next week quality time with kids again. That's the most important thing for me now.

Just keep the lighthouse shining P.

Keep moving on!

Today I realized that I really don't have friends. Or that I did but not anymore. The friends I was supposed to go out with. They stood me up. Nice.

Sorry to hear that Petri.

Was that your entire entourage? And do you have any idea why they would do that?

No it was not. What I think I meant by it was that I used to have a lot of friends. During our relationship I lost a lot of friends. Some stayed some didn't. But the way I'm being treated by some of my friends is something I would never do to anyone. Like the couple of friends that stood me up on the weekend.

Otherwise things are going good. Been hanging out with kids this week, although I've been sick since Monday.

Our real estate agent called me the other day. There has been no movement at all in regards the house. He said that we need to bring the price down. That didn't resonate with XW at all, not at all. And she still doesn't want open house, only private showings.

And it took XW a week from the break up to go back to the OM. Apparrently us LBSs need to call our WAWs whor* and stuff like that. They seem to dig it.

Not your monkeys anymore P...feed only yours.

Get some GAL, get in touch with the friends left, go for new ones, go for the old ones. Friends are forever. Just GAL some more.

Glad everything is ok with the kids. Stay strong P, get well soon.

Neff, just a strep infection nothing too serious. Got meds just today when infection was confirmed. Getting better as soon as meds kick in
For the monkeys. I know brother, I know.

Hope you are doing better P. Hey, get the GAL going man. You know how important it is.

Have a good weekend. How are the kids doing?

Kids are doing fine. Naturally they are sad about our dog. But here they come to their mom. Not really showing wmotions or wanting to talk about things. And that is sad for me to see. I'll get back to GAL as soon as the meds kick in and the freaking pain is away from my throat.

Has any of you had a WAW/WW ask for amicable divorce? I think I just did. XW texted me a link to an article about amivable divorce. Just a link. Nothing else. Should I respond to it in someway? It's just funny that after a year of spew and OM she wants a amicable divorce...

Looks more like a request for a passive aggressive divorce. An amicable divorce request would likely be in person and come with some expression remorse for how things turned out. Probably just trying to start a battle. Personally, I would not respond to that. She couldn't even bother including any text?

You are already D'ed correct? I wouldn't even respond.

OneArt. Nothing. Just the link to the article.

lost. Yes we are D'ed already so it would be more amicable coparenting or something. And in my opinion we already coparent quite good.

Temp check warning!

Keep your eyes on the road you have chosen. Keep the lighthouse shining bright. Let see what comes with the tide...

Neff! I didn't respond to her. MAYBE if she had included some text why she sent it I might have.

Another weird thing happened couple of days ago. My ex-FIL asked if I coupd come to their cabin with our kids. Since it's S11's B-Day I declined. He then asked if I could come next weekend. I told him that XW has the kids. He just stated that XW can not dictate if I go to the cabin with the kids or not. And he actually called her daughter and told her that I'm going to the cabin with the kids on her week. He's pretty cool.

Well, go with the flow. Get your amoafwl version ready just in case. I afraid to ask but...do you have any expectation?

Yes I have expectation. To sell this house and buy a nice apartment for me and the kids and renovate it into our likings. And in the future to form a relationship that I deserve.

Great P! That�s the attitude.

Hugs for you and the kids

(((P)))

Thanks Neff!

And the article was most likely temp checking or some. Now the spew began again. The texts I received just now...can it be more clear that she wants to pick up a fight. And oh the irritation when I didn't bite the bait. Right now I feel victorious.

S12's B-Day. Good party. Only son's friends. XW was here too. I did say to her that after yesterday it would probably be best if she wouldn't come. I got a pretty nasty reaction from that and she came anyway. She acted like nothing had happened.

Open house tomorrow. Hopefully we get the house sold soon. Upwards and onwards.

Keep it up all of you!

I need some advice on the house. Our contract with our real estate agent is ending in two weeks. XW doesn't want to continue it with that agent. How should I proceed with things? Should I involve myself in getting a new one or tell her to do it? I handled the previous one.

Why hasn't it been sold yet, do you know that? Is it overpriced or just bad luck?

And do you believe that any agent you find will do a better job than hers?

BTW have you forgotten all about boundaries from your newbie days, since you let her in the house after telling her not to LOL

Btrow. Boundaries? Is that something you eat?

The house is overpriced. I know that. The agent knows that. XW won't admit it. But there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Whe our agent said that we need to lower the price XW said rightaway that is not going to happen. I would buy it myself if I could. And if we were to change the agent the price would be on the right scale but XW won't go with that. Regarding the house I'm totally lost. I can't really do anything. If I say that I won't leave every other week anymore XW actually has the right to make me pay rent to her. Crazy stuff.

Yes Petri, boundaries are very powerful vitamins

I would let her find an agent then.. Maybe an agent of her choice would be more succesful in persuading her that the price should be lower.

Agree with Btrow. Let her find the agent and agree on the price. Is she delaying/manipulating the selling of the house?

Hi Petri, that sounds like a tough situation with the house. At some point if there's no progress do you think your ex-wife will accept that it's overpriced and maybe agree to change the agent? It'll be good when you can sell it since communicating with your ex-wife about it is probably not the most fun or pleasant task.

What about you Petri? Have you tried dating or thought about finding someone new? Or do you think you'd give your ex-wife another chance if she ever tries to come back?

Last night she sent me a message after I informed her that our contract is ending. She wants to put the sell on hold for a while and put it on market again some time next year. If the price goes down enough I will buy the house myself.

I thought the same thing about the agent. I actually told her to find it if she doesn't want to work with the one we have now. And I told her that the price will go down about 20k. She wondered if we would sell it by ourselves. I'm not going to do that.

Nicole. Great to see that your back. Hope you are doing fine. I actually did date someone. It ended due to the woman's ex. They were good friends before they started dating(they dated for a month). And pretty soon after their breakup she met me. She didn't want anything going on with men but I guess I swept her off her feet. And the ex saw us kissing and didn't like it. So he said that they can not be friends if she was with me. And she chose the friendship with ex/friend. I'm fine with that and I know I deserve much better. I'm not actively searching for anyone i.e. dating sites/apps at the moment. Taking my ex back? I think a lot needs to happen for that to be a realistic idea. Who knows? But I'm not waiting around for her.

Why do WW's act so freaking weird? The spew I got on Friday night...XW was with OM at his place. Why on earth would someone start texting their ex when they are with OP? These people are more out of their minds than I ever thought they could be. It's been over a year and the rollercoaster just keeps on going.

Monkey mind control...And what did XW text?

At first about me not giving her enough information that we have an open house and a private showing. I told her that it is not crucial information to her until we get an actual offer. Earlier she asked if she needs to come earlier to help organize the B-Day. I responded that "if you want/have time". It turns out that my answer actually means that I think that she doens't care about our son's B-Day and that she even doesn't want to come. And she stayed on that line for about am hour. On the bright side though, it wasn't as bad as before. So some improvment there.

And you are not getting to play with her monkeys. Add that too.

Petri,

how's it going? Just reading up on things in your thread and I just wonder what would happen if you stopped talking to your ex altogether? It seems she must stay in communication with you for one reason or another. Why do you continue to respond? Why not move on? Is there any legalities to be discussed still?

Neff, OB. You're right. I should really give myself a big kick in a&&. Only respond when urgent matter about kids or actually crucial matter regarding the house.

New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2822903&#Post2822903