As mentioned in my last thread. I am starting over.
New title, New Attitude, New expectations.
Link to old thread -
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2805975&page=11
OK - You have said this before...........time to prove it! You can get yourself unstuck but you have to want it. The board can offer you advice but you have to put it into action.
I sure have. and i was as full of $hit as a honeywagon. I was lying to myself and inadvertently BSing all of you.
For me its not a matter of WANT but METHOD.
I want it and have wanted it for ages, ive just been doing it wrong.
Ive been letting her tug me around by the bag.
The only think Ill say that you may not like is im sticking to my resolve on the "If she refuses to provide for S3, I will not"
And thats not just the haircut, its in all things.
Im not asking or expecting anymore, where she comes up short, i will complete the task.
S3's needs will be met, i wont neglect his needs to prove a point.
Im not asking or expecting anymore, where she comes up short, i will complete the task.
S3's needs will be met, i wont neglect his needs to prove a point.
Don't get yourself in a situation of making her out to be the bad guy and having S3 think that he can just run to you if he doesn't get what he wants from mommy.
That will backfire. You don't want to come between her and her/your son.
thats not my intention.
Look back to the Issue with the Dr appt. back in May.
I spoke with her about the need for a Dr Appt.
She said she would do it. "I have a day off mid week, it will be easier for me to get him into the Dr than it will be for you, ill take care of it"
Weeks went by.
I followed up to see if it had been done, or even scheduled, she said she was going to do it soon.
I wanted another week.
It still hadnt gotten done, school sent a letter saying we had 4 days to get it done or he couldnt come to school.
I took time off to rush him to an appointment the next day so he didnt get dropped from daycare.
Yet another scenario, where S3's NEEDS weren't met, even though i began a normal civil convo about his needs, and she amicably agreed to take care of it, then didnt, and didnt say a word about it, and just waited for the situation to get to emergency status, and who swooped in to fix it?
The responsible parent. Me.
Are you suggesting i should have let S3 get kicked out of school?
(i can see how that would help in divorce, so im legitimately asking, not being snarky)
When you got the letter I would have followed up with her and asked her if she was still going to take him and went from there. I would not have just swooped in to make it happen.
This scenario is different though than the haircut.
if i hadnt i wouldn't have been able to drop him off at school the following day....
Based on what you typed I was under the assumption that you had 4 days from when you received the letter. I still would have asked her before you did it but if you only had 1 day I would have done the same thing.
It happened to me with a school picnic last year and my XW forgetting to pack lunches for my D's. The school was not serving food that day so either they brought a lunch or parents brought them something from a fast food restaurant.
One of my daughters friends parents called me and said my girls didn't have anything to eat. I called the XW, told her about the situation but she could not leave work and asked me if I could handle it for her. I was not going to let my D's go without lunch but since it was her week I wanted her to have the option.
I was very nice and calm about it but truthfully I wanted her to know since it was on her watch
It's all in how you handle it and your emotions.
Ok Day 1 of Fresh Start is beginning with a challenge.
STBXW Sent a message just now.
STBXW: " Hi OrangeK, I know that you mentioned you are unavailable to talk and going away for the weekend so i will keep this short and its ok if you dont reply. I just wanted to say in response to your long text yesterday i agree. I also just want us to focus on co-parenting S3 to the best of our abilities and have no ill will or animosity towards one another. I am glad for you that you have moved on and i hope it brings light, happiness and positivity into your life and S3's life. I truly do. Have a good trip and I will talk to you next week about the schedule"
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Ok so a few points.
I know this is how she presents when she wants to play nice, ive seen the same type of message before, and so have her EX's.
I cant help but laugh that she gave me permission not to reply.
I also know she doesn't want me to move on, meet anyone new or be happy.
I know some of you may knock me for continuing to be negative in the face of a seemingly positive message, but its just how she is.
Everything is smoke and mirrors.
as much as it is a challenge to keep myself from replying, I will not be replying to this message, and i dont buy a word of it.
Any thoughts?
I would respond with Thank You and move on about your day. Don't read into anything else, it doesn't matter. Your giving her way too much head space.
Agree with J9. ON all counts.
You were the one who reached out saying with wanting no animosity, and when she comes back and agrees you tear it apart. So what kind of response were you hoping for? She agreed. If she would have said "I am going to make this as hard as possible, I hope you never find what you want" would that have been better?
What was your expectation regarding the statement she is replying to?
See, you can't put those things out there, then tear apart the "best" answer she could possibly give you. It's a lose lose for YOU.
So, take it for face value, thank her, and move about your day, just like J9 said.
i wasnt going to reply at all, im far more focused on leaving for my camp trip.
Why do you think i should say thank you instead of nothing?
I truthfully really don't think it matters.
If it was me though I was say Thank you
That doesnt exactly fit wit hthe "YES/NO" model.
this is why i get confused, contradicting advice is tough.
Ginger, please also keep in mind my Ex is not just some typical WW.
Look at some of Vanillas posts to me.
She is a predator. Literally everything i say to her needs to be carefully weighed.
Yes, No, Thank you or no response.........I believe that is what I told you.
If you don't interact with her and keep your interactions very minimal I have no clue how she can prey upon you.
Google Vulnerable Narcissist.
Thats how.
Vulnerable Narcissist Traits
The most prominent of vulnerable narcissism traits is a constant victimization mentality. They are always the victim, and always require sympathetic attention.
They are emotionally draining to be around. Mostly because of how sensitive they are on top of being emotionally demanding. Their mission in life is to get the people around them to see them as the perfect creatures they are.
Vulnerable narcissists are quite prone to developing depression. The life they live does not meet the fantasy of the life they feel entitled to.
How does this currently impact you if you don't see her or keep your interactions with her very minimal?
Ok, that's her. You know what she's about, so you shouldn't be victim. You have control now with awareness. How much she affects you is now up to you.
Responsibility time.
When the Narcissist Is Nice: What It May or May Not Mean and How to Handle It
Narcissists are fiercely calculating and capable of vicious manipulation that nonnarcissists, or “nons,” would never dream of let alone act on. It takes someone intimately familiar with a narcissist to understand the extraordinary harm they are capable of on a day-to-day basis. Even those closest to the narcissist—her spouse and children—are typically so loyal, so entangled in her emotional barbed wire, and so disbelieving that someone supposed to love them is capable of such cruelty that they have difficulty recognizing and acknowledging the abuse that defines their lives.
As someone with a personality disorder, the narcissist suffers from problems that shape his beliefs and behavior in extremely distorted ways, making him profoundly self-centered. Narcissism is characterized by a lack of empathy and ruthless self-promotion. And yet there are times when the narcissist is nice.
When the Narcissist Is Nice: False Versus Genuine?
So where does “nice” fit into the picture of the narcissist?
Those close to the narcissist are well-versed in her wide range of controlling tactics. Narcissists are notorious for idealizing a love interest, “golden child,” or even friend, charming and drawing them in with excessive displays of admiration and attentiveness, prematurely shared intimacies, and grand promises. The idealization phase typically turns to devaluation once the narcissist’s seduction succeeds or if she finds a better source of “narcissistic supply.” Hoovering (drawing someone back in) old sources of supply, too, is often short-lived because the narcissist drops her veneer of charm once the person is back in the fold or is replaced by someone “better.”
But the truth is that although people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) have a crippling mental condition, they are still people who in some cases experience moments of clarity that can include varying degrees of self-awareness and caring for others. Like the rest of us, narcissists exist on a personality continuum, ebbing and flowing through their lives. In his most secure, insightful moments, the narcissist may step beyond his defenses, see things outside of his immediate perspective, and attempt to genuinely reach out and/or make amends.
For example, the narcissist might, perhaps for the first time,
• tell her child she is proud of them;
• admit that she should have been less self-involved as a mother;
• admit to her spouse they were right about something they previously fought about;
• agree to family or marriage counseling;
• show spontaneous affection;
• express concern for a friend;
• acknowledge an adult child’s accomplishments or success; or
• tell her spouse that they are a good partner or parent.
To Trust or Not to Trust When the Narcissist Is Nice
That is the question!
The problem with the narcissist’s “nice” overtures is that they can be difficult, even impossible to discern from his manipulations. The recipients of a narcissist’s apparent kindness, particularly if they have known him for a while, will be rightfully confused by the turnabout. They will wonder if the gesture is sincere or yet another tactical maneuver to hoover them or otherwise set them up for further manipulation. The narcissist himself may not fully understand his own feelings or motives or how long they may last.
Accept the Good, with Healthy Skepticism
If the kindness feels real, the non should try to accept it at face value and feel good about that long-craved-for affirmation. It may be one of only a handful of moments or even the first of its kind in the relationship. But as a veteran of the narcissist’s abuse, the non also should remain skeptical of authentic lasting growth in the narcissist, something that at best will be very limited. Probably the safest response for the non is to neither reject the overture nor expect more of the same from the narcissist.
Maintain Your Boundaries
Perhaps most importantly, the non in the situation should not base conclusions or decisions upon what may be a fleeting opening. A spouse would be wise not to push the issue by pulling out a laundry list of complaints or suddenly confiding things long held in check. Similarly, the adult child of the narcissist may be tempted to resume or increase contact but should instead let the dust settle to consider the situation and see what happens next. The same goes for the ex or friend who is tempted to reconcile with the narcissist.
Enjoy the moment, even savor it, but for your mental and physical well-being keep the bigger picture in mind and maintain your boundaries.
^ that seems a reasonable way of looking at it and handling it.
I will say Thanks and leave it at that.
Vanilla or Sandi, i would love your input if you are willing and available
Id also like to point out this is clearly a tactic to try and keep a clean conscious on her end. If she can continue to deny the affair, cheating, lies and deception, then she can feel justified in her crap decisions.
Id also like to point out this is clearly a tactic to try and keep a clean conscious on her end. If she can continue to deny the affair, cheating, lies and deception, then she can feel justified in her crap decisions.
I know you don't like the answer I usually give when you post this stuff, but what does it really matter if it's a tactic or not? She responded to what you said. That's all. What was your tactic when you presented that?
It doesn't matter why she said what she said. All that matters is your actions and what you need to do on your end. You want to coparent peacefully, you expressed that, she responded in agreement. I am asking an honest question. How did you want her to respond to your request to coparent peacefully?
Now you are giving it way more head space than it deserves.
Why?
Because she has F**ed with my head enough over the past year that even something as simple as this throws me all off, honestly, sometimes im afraid to reply or not reply. Everything gets twisted and used against me eventually. Everything.
She has used every piece of knowladge she has about me as a weapon in the past.
You want the honest answer why this eats up so much headspace?
Trauma bonding, and fear. CPTSD and stockholm syndrome.
thats why.
If you don't want those responses, then don't make those statements that mention your want for peaceful coparenting.
This is why we tell you "yes/no" conversation only. You are provoking these situations. If you have all those things that cause you to eat up so much headspace, why would you put yourself in that position????
You are doing this to yourself at this point. Stop being a masochist.
Im just choosing to ignore it and moving on with my weekend. thanks for the input.
I am starting over. New title, New Attitude, New expectations.
Well so far I'm seeing you post the same old stuff.
I sure have. and i was as full of $hit as a honeywagon. I was lying to myself and inadvertently BSing all of you.
I agree, and I think it's something you need to do a 180 on. Not for us but for your own health and sanity.
I know this is how she presents when she wants to play nice, ive seen the same type of message before, and so have her EX's.
I cant help but laugh that she gave me permission not to reply.
I also know she doesn't want me to move on, meet anyone new or be happy.
I know some of you may knock me for continuing to be negative in the face of a seemingly positive message, but its just how she is.
Everything is smoke and mirrors.
as much as it is a challenge to keep myself from replying, I will not be replying to this message, and i dont buy a word of it.
Any thoughts?
Alright, well you asked for it. You are being absolutely ridiculous. It was a polite message and you want to twist and turn it into something dark and nefarious. No wonder you drive this woman crazy, she literally cannot do anything right in your eyes. She could lay a bag of money at your feet and you would find 100 ways to hate her for it. You need to find ways to let go of all the hatred, anger and resentment. It is eating you up inside and it poisons your interactions with her and everyone else including us here. We want to help you, but you've got to want to be helped and so far you don't. You want to tell us why we're wrong. You want to tell us why you know better than us. What you need is to start over. New attitude, new expectations. Sound familiar?
One thing that nobody here has seemed to grasp excluding Sandi and Vanilla is the abnormality and chaotic nature of my EX.
She is abusive, manipulative, and a COMPULSIVE liar.
I think a lot of you are still viewing her through the lens of a normal woman, WAW or WW.
She isnt.
"She could lay a bag of money at your feet and you would find 100 ways to hate her for it."
This simply isnt true AS.
but thanks for the input regardless.
OK - I had hoped today would be really better for you. Unfortunately it seems we talk about and re-hash the same things. I am not trying to be mean but maybe you enjoy being the victim IDK. The board can't help you move forward if you don't want to move forward yourself.
If your W is a Vulnerable Narcissist then her BF can deal with it. I still don't understand how it is currently your problem or if you respond to her with YES/NO/Thank you or whatever how that impacts you.
If you truly are suffering from Stockholm syndrome then you need help, more help than from random people on the Internet.
It seems to me i am expected to just come by and post
"All is well, went to he gym, had a good dinner, S3 had a play at school"
Well if that was my reality, i would gladly post thusly, but i post to manage my feelings, and that seems to be unacceptable here.
Why would I come and post dishonestly? wouldnt that defeat the point?
OK - Post your feelings but then that turns into banter with other people and you argue with their suggestions. And you have shown no signs of moving forward or making progress. Your still stuck on the same items.
I thought this was Clean Slate Pt 1???????????????
And I actually spent almost all day yesterday talking to you about this....................did I waste my time??????????
I dont enjoy being the victim BTW, i was told by several members of this board to come here and post when i have an interaction with EX, so i dont respond to her rashly or stupidly, I did so, asked for advice, and gave my opinion, only to be told i was wrong yet again.
Well, im off to my camp trip.
Perhaps when i get back after some soul cleansing I will post updates that do not go against the rigid grain of DB tenants.
Feels really "Damned if you do damned if you dont" here.
Since you have all decided I am the one with mental issues, and my manipulative, lying adulterer of a wife is just a model frikkin citizen, I will make sure to proof read my posts before i offend any of you in the future.
OK - Post your feelings but then that turns into banter with other people and you argue with their suggestions. And you have shown no signs of moving forward or making progress. Your still stuck on the same items.
I thought this was Clean Slate Pt 1???????????????
And I actually spent almost all day yesterday talking to you about this....................did I waste my time??????????
No Joseph, our conversation was very valuable to me, however where is it written I will be pillaried like a f*cking witch trial if i so much as voice a disagreement or a conflicting opinion.
"DO AS I SAY NOT AS I DO"
is that the new DB motto??
you all seem to think my EX is this delightful little angel. Where in the nine hells did you get that idea?
When you ask for advice do you really want it? When you ask is your mind already made up on your way of doing things? If you truly want advice and direction, then ask but don't ask if your mind is already made up just so you can engage someone in banter. That is wasting our time.
One thing that nobody here has seemed to grasp excluding Sandi and Vanilla is the abnormality and chaotic nature of my EX.
She is abusive, manipulative, and a COMPULSIVE liar.
I think a lot of you are still viewing her through the lens of a normal woman, WAW or WW.
She isnt.
"She could lay a bag of money at your feet and you would find 100 ways to hate her for it."
This simply isnt true AS.
but thanks for the input regardless.
We are all grasping that she is abnormal/crazy, a liar, abusive, manipulative.
We absolutely get that.
But we don't focus on her.
What matter is it if she is al those things stated above when it comes to a reply to YOUR statement of wanting good co-parenting????? STOP TALKING TO HER IF YOU DON'T TRUST HER ANSWERS
her mental status is not relevant in this issue. She will do what she does, she will say what she says. There is nothing that she could say to you obviously, so say nothing to her!
You are absolutely placing your self in this position.
youre just pissed i didnt decide to do what you TOLD me to. i read the advice, weighed my options and made a decision. It just not the decision you wanted me to make.
And you call me controlling?
her mental status is not relevant in this issue. She will do what she does, she will say what she says. There is nothing that she could say to you obviously, so say nothing to her!
Say nothing to her? the choice that I made, and am now being berated by Joseph for?
When will you people make up your minds?
Then just say you disagree with the advice and move on. It doesn't have to continue 30 posts later as you engage people in arguing and banter.
Then just say you disagree with the advice and move on. It doesn't have to continue 30 posts later as you engage people in arguing and banter.
Show me the arguing and banter.
So, take it for face value, thank her, and move about your day, just like J9 said.
There is nothing that she could say to you obviously, so say nothing to her!
Say thanks or say nothing Ginger???
remember when i said "Contradictory advice"?
All of this............................................. You blamed it on Vulnerable Narcissist. Instead of just saying I won't respond. so now we go down the Vulnerable Narcissist bunny hole. Its like shell game and the target keeps moving.
I am at work and have a meeting to go to.................have fun on your trip ok.
i was explaining why i didnt want to respond, because i dont trust her sincerity.
I came here to eliminate or validate that lack of trust.
you and others encoraged me to reply, i thought about it, and decided not to.
Why am i such a prick for sticking with my gut instinct.
I just re read the last few pages. Where exactly am i arguing or bantering? i dont see it, so please enlighten my ignorance.
Do you think you can follow the advice given for the non-narcissist dealing with a narcissist? Knowing that you need to hear an apology from her, maybe more...…..can you move on without looking for it? In other words, if she should apologize someday, that's great, and if she never utters a word....you don't have to have it. You won't allow a lack of an apology to rule over you.
But as a veteran of the narcissist’s abuse, the non also should remain skeptical of authentic lasting growth in the narcissist, something that at best will be very limited. Probably the safest response for the non is to neither reject the overture nor expect more of the same from the narcissist.
While you are being painfully honest with yourself, have you accepted that you won't be able to have a meaningful relationship with your XW? The reason I ask is b/c of the feelings you still have toward the possibility of her & OM staying together. I can't quote you, but it was something to the effect of you being crushed if OM got what was taken away from you. Are you referring to the make-believe girl she impersonated, or the real woman she proved to be? I'm not debating any of this, I'm just asking if you are holding on to the hope that one day the two of you will be back together again? Intellectually, you get it. You just have a very difficult time emotionally digesting it. There is a war going on inside of you, and I hope & pray that you can find peace. Peace means everything. It won't come from her, and intellectually, you know it. If you can let go of the dream you have of the three of you being a family unit again, then you can focus on getting peace within your soul. If you don't let it go, the anger is going to destroy you. Orange, I once told you that I would talk to you like I talk to my son, and this is exactly what I would tell him.
I really hate all of this for you, but I am really concerned about the affect it will have on the child. You can distant yourself from her. You don't "need" her. But the child needs the healthy attention, affection, and encouragement of his mother. I pray you can release yourself from this hold she has on you, b/c S3 is going to need a father who has great discernment and the ability to lovingly teach him how to be a good person. I don't think I can even begin to imagine how challenging it will be, as you raise your son. ((hugs)) I would have to read everything I could find that teaches people how to cope when raising a child with a narcissist parent. I wonder if there are classes that teach people, or if there are support groups. Maybe you could do a little research to see if there is such a thing in your area.
I want to suggest something, as you read more information on this subject. Don't get overly focused on the negative things she does. Just get the information so that you might have a better understanding, but don't let your emotions take over your actions. I realize it must be very difficult not to be overcome with anger whenever it involves your child, but try to learn about this personality disorder in a detached manner, as much as possible. You already know she's going to do things that contradict your parenting style, or your preferences/choices, etc. I would think that predetermining how you will respond to some issues might help keep your anger better controlled. For example, it's obvious that S3's hair is going to be an issue, therefore, having a plan for how to calmly and wisely deal with it throughout the coming years......may save you from reacting out of anger and doing something you'll later regret.
FWIW, I'll share something I heard an elementary principal say many years ago. "If we paddle the students for not flushing the toilet, what will we do when they commit greater offenses?" She had to follow certain rules for administering "punishment", and at that time, three licks with a paddle was the worst (other than being expelled). So, I was able to see her position and how she determined the type of punishment to be administered according to the offenses. In other words, there was a plan. It later became known as the students handbook for that local school, where everyone saw the rules and the consequences for breaking them.
BTW, I think Joseph has been giving you some good suggestions. Even if you don't agree with everything, posting to other parents who are further down the road in co-parenting and getting their perspective could be invaluable. Experience is a tough teacher, and if someone is trying to tell you what worked and didn't work for them......you'd be wise to give it some consideration. (I'm not suggesting you weren't listening to Joseph. I just wanted to say I thought his advice sounded reasonable.) Anyway, we learn from each other, and there are people here who are having to co-parent with difficult spouses. You might be able to help someone else, especially someone who is just starting down this road.
Don't give up IC. It takes time.
What I meant was quit engaging conversation that is going to garner a response you don't trust. YOU began that exchange with the peaceful coparenting commnet. You opened the door wide open, for her to respond. Why, if you don't trust her answers?
Whether you say nothing or thank you to what she said makes absolutely no difference in the world. There is your answer. Doesn't matter what you choose. But I strongly suggest you don't ask questions or make grand statements about your relationship (co-parenting relationship) such as you did if you can't believe or handle the answer.
Ginger, AS, Joseph, take note.
See how Sandi is able to address several topics without having it come of as an attack ONCE?
All that 2x4ing and Im happy to read her response, because it is not accusatory and mean spirited.
I never want to argue with any of you, but i am not spineless and if i feel attacked or misunderstood, i will push back or explain myself.
Sandi, thank you. I will thoroughly read this again and reply.
Ginger, thinking of a reply to yours as well.
Talk to yall soon
What I meant was quit engaging conversation that is going to garner a response you don't trust. YOU began that exchange with the peaceful co-parenting comment. You opened the door wide open, for her to respond. Why, if you don't trust her answers?
This makes a lot more sense.
I said what i did because its honestly what i want Ginger, Its the way she said it that seems disingenuous to me.
I mentioned Honesty twice in my message i sent her, yet she omits mention of honesty.
I know she has lied about S3 sleeping at OM's house, and OUR ENTIRE relationship was all lies, why would I believe her. Just because she replied to something i said does not mean i can take at face value.
Whether you say nothing or thank you to what she said makes absolutely no difference in the world. There is your answer. Doesn't matter what you choose. But I strongly suggest you don't ask questions or make grand statements about your relationship (co-parenting relationship) such as you did if you can't believe or handle the answer.
It was an attempt at an olive branch after a very bad argument weeks ago Ginger. I knew what i was saying when i said it and i knew the type of response i might have to deal with.
I come here to bounce ideas off all of you because i thought this was a place i could do that 100% honestly without being vilified.
Just because i dont believe the answer i got doesnt mean id prefer the alternative.
What I meant was quit engaging conversation that is going to garner a response you don't trust. YOU began that exchange with the peaceful co-parenting comment. You opened the door wide open, for her to respond. Why, if you don't trust her answers?
This makes a lot more sense.
I said what i did because its honestly what i want Ginger, Its the way she said it that seems disingenuous to me.
I mentioned Honesty twice in my message i sent her, yet she omits mention of honesty.
I know she has lied about S3 sleeping at OM's house, and OUR ENTIRE relationship was all lies, why would I believe her. Just because she replied to something i said does not mean i can take at face value.
Whether you say nothing or thank you to what she said makes absolutely no difference in the world. There is your answer. Doesn't matter what you choose. But I strongly suggest you don't ask questions or make grand statements about your relationship (co-parenting relationship) such as you did if you can't believe or handle the answer.
It was an attempt at an olive branch after a very bad argument weeks ago Ginger. I knew what i was saying when i said it and i knew the type of response i might have to deal with.
I come here to bounce ideas off all of you because i thought this was a place i could do that 100% honestly without being vilified.
Just because i dont believe the answer i got doesnt mean id prefer the alternative.
My last comment. You did not extend an olive branch. You were passive aggressive in what you said to try to get her to admit to S3 sleeping in a bed with OM. You said it there yourself. You mentioned honesty because your intention of that comment was to get her to fess up.
She is probably seeing right through your tactics too. You play her just as well, trying to get her to say what you want her to say.
Until you really wipe the slate clean, take an different approach and stop indulging in her mental illness, I see you going in unhealthy circles, which are uneahlthy for your S.
I also wish you a good camping trip. Maybe the peace will help you see what you really need to do. because the same stuff just isn't working.
P.S- "take note of how Sandi writes a post"- that passive aggressive.
Do you think you can follow the advice given for the non-narcissist dealing with a narcissist? Knowing that you need to hear an apology from her, maybe more...…..can you move on without looking for it? In other words, if she should apologize someday, that's great, and if she never utters a word....you don't have to have it. You won't allow a lack of an apology to rule over you.
I came to terms with not getting that a while ago. It still profoundly bothers me, but i know enough about Ms. Narcy to know i will never get an apology or explanation and if I do it will be a crock.
While you are being painfully honest with yourself, have you accepted that you won't be able to have a meaningful relationship with your XW?
Yes, my plan moving forward is called "paralell parenting", easy to look up if you're unfamiliar.
The reason I ask is b/c of the feelings you still have toward the possibility of her & OM staying together. I can't quote you, but it was something to the effect of you being crushed if OM got what was taken away from you. Are you referring to the make-believe girl she impersonated, or the real woman she proved to be?
The Fake woman. I have moved past this, it still Sux, but i know that OM will last 5 years tops, and even if he lasted the test of time, it wont change her personality. If they stayed together that would only tell me OM is willing to silently tolerate all the abuses i eventually began to question, which is what I believe got me discarded by EX anyway.
I'm not debating any of this, I'm just asking if you are holding on to the hope that one day the two of you will be back together again?
Not anymore. I had been, and the "Fantasy" of that is still appealing, but its never going to happen, and if it did it would just be a quick path back to abuse.
Intellectually, you get it. You just have a very difficult time emotionally digesting it. There is a war going on inside of you, and I hope & pray that you can find peace. Peace means everything. It won't come from her, and intellectually, you know it. If you can let go of the dream you have of the three of you being a family unit again,
That dream is dead and gone. I mourn it, but its dead.
then you can focus on getting peace within your soul. If you don't let it go, the anger is going to destroy you. Orange, I once told you that I would talk to you like I talk to my son, and this is exactly what I would tell him.
Finding that peace is where I am at now. Trying to find that peace.
Sandi, i find it VERY endearing that you speak to me as though you would my son. He is a lucky man to have you as a mother.
I really hate all of this for you, but I am really concerned about the affect it will have on the child. You can distant yourself from her. You don't "need" her. But the child needs the healthy attention, affection, and encouragement of his mother.
Paralell parenting handles this issue quite well i think. Check it out.
I pray you can release yourself from this hold she has on you, b/c S3 is going to need a father who has great discernment and the ability to lovingly teach him how to be a good person. I don't think I can even begin to imagine how challenging it will be, as you raise your son. ((hugs)) I would have to read everything I could find that teaches people how to cope when raising a child with a narcissist parent. I wonder if there are classes that teach people, or if there are support groups. Maybe you could do a little research to see if there is such a thing in your area.
I have had some great resources from IC about co parenting with NARCY, as well as extensive research online too.
Basically my plan is the old "Not my circus not my monkeys" approach.
Ive already seen the decline in S3's behavior after he has been with her for a few days, she has no discipline plan and lets him do whatever he wants, and that makes for an obstinant child. It makes it hard for the teachers, whom i feel bad for. I cannot control how she parents, i just have to be the A+ #1 dad to balance it off. I just have more work on my end than a normal single dad, its ok. S3 is more than worth it!!
I want to suggest something, as you read more information on this subject. Don't get overly focused on the negative things she does. Just get the information so that you might have a better understanding, but don't let your emotions take over your actions. I realize it must be very difficult not to be overcome with anger whenever it involves your child, but try to learn about this personality disorder in a detached manner, as much as possible.
Ive been reading a lot, it is hard when S3 is being neglected or abused, and I am working on a plan of action there as well.
You already know she's going to do things that contradict your parenting style, or your preferences/choices, etc.
Literally out of spite, yes i do.
I would think that predetermining how you will respond to some issues might help keep your anger better controlled. For example, it's obvious that S3's hair is going to be an issue, therefore, having a plan for how to calmly and wisely deal with it throughout the coming years......may save you from reacting out of anger and doing something you'll later regret.
Thats a good plan, ill work on a "Problems i foresee dealing with" list and a list of rebuttals to go along with it.
BTW, I think Joseph has been giving you some good suggestions. Even if you don't agree with everything, posting to other parents who are further down the road in co-parenting and getting their perspective could be invaluable. Experience is a tough teacher, and if someone is trying to tell you what worked and didn't work for them......you'd be wise to give it some consideration. (I'm not suggesting you weren't listening to Joseph. I just wanted to say I thought his advice sounded reasonable.) Anyway, we learn from each other, and there are people here who are having to co-parent with difficult spouses. You might be able to help someone else, especially someone who is just starting down this road.
Don't give up IC. It takes time.
Joe is always full of good advice, even when i disagree with how its presented, its still very valuable info. Plus he was the only one willing to talk with me for a bit, so i hope you know i appreciate that Joe.
trust me, Joseph, ItHurts, Makia and others are my role models for how to handle D.
I know Makia isnt Ding yet, but his methods fekkin work, that is whom i try most to emulate, if often unsuccessfully.
Count me out of the race the day i fall and dont get back up, i may eat dirt a lot on this board, but im still here, and im still pushing forward.
Sorry folks, you arent rid of me yet
P.S- "take note of how Sandi writes a post"- that passive aggressive.
I disagree. I was being very blunt. So call it aggressive if you'd like. Passive it was not.
She writes more compassionately than you do. Plain and simple, you often write like an angry drill Sgt. and thats ok. you make your points how you want to. Im not knocking you for that.
I respond a lot better to how Sandi talks to me, that is all i was trying to say.
She is probably seeing right through your tactics too. You play her just as well, trying to get her to say what you want her to say.
you know what, she probably did. Then she sat and thought about how she could play it to her advantage, and todays message was the result.
Ok. Im hitting the road now. Off to head north and clean the slate.
Your posts kill me, everything you do has to be a fight with someone to prove yourself right. One post not long ago I seen some honest reflection where you focused on you and your issues. That's where you need to be, unfortunately it left as fast as it came.
I find it ironic how you justify your blunt and aggressive communication style due to...wait for it...someone being blunt with you! Oh the irony, you attack everyone for doing exactly what you do and then rationalize it as having a backbone.
No one can say anything that you feel is an attack, but when they claim you're doing it you rationalize it and dismiss their thoughts and feelings away.
No one dare assume anything about you, yet you assume about our intentions and many, many things about your ex. In fact, I believe you know with 100% certainty something that happens behind your EX's closed doors when you hadn't communicated with her in weeks.
Is it worth it always being right? Honestly, the more I read the more I see narcissism.
And for what its worth, since I seen a glimpse of the pain and guy you can be peak through I am sorry you have to deal with all of this pain, I know it's not fair what happened with your ex.
Unfortunately, you push people away from your threads not because they want to control you and fail but because you just come across as a self righteous [censored]. People get tired of trying to help someone who continues to one up them and tell them they're wrong. Remember that real comment about always trying to get the last word in and feeling the need to explain yourself? ffs find that place again and do some soul searching, theres so much growth for you there!
Many of us have been where you are and are only trying to show you areas to work on that will help you through this. because we actually care... for you and your child. Ive successfully coparented with my ex for a few years now and had experienced with many of the things you are now facing. I've experienced om and om2, I know the frustration of being powerless against someone who has ripped your heart out for another man and seems to win everything, who seems to experience no consequences of their actions. Ginger has been managing all of this for almost a decade now and has dealt with far more than you can ever imagine.
Vacation was well needed and good.
Had a few messages from EX while i was away about S3 making strides in Potty Training. He did a great job when i got him Yesterday afternoon.
He seems very pleased with himself, deservedly.
Did a lot of meditation and soul searching while i was away.
feeling optimistic about what lies ahead.
22 Days left till Divorce.
I did a lot of work on my perspective.
The exchanges i had with EX this weekend were calm and communicative.
I was able to establish the date of the hair appointment.
We talked (not in detail) about S3's progress with potty.
My answers were short but polite. "Yes, thanks" and so on.
EXWife still seems to be putting some extra "niceness" on things, but i wont question that. Even if insincere, its far preferable to the alternative.
Here are some thoughts i had.
NPD people mirror others, thereby i have extended the period of animosity by "poking the bear". If i am confrontational, she will she be.
The more i take the high road, the more often she will attempt to join me there.
What happened to me, was inevitable. She has done it to every relationship, both romantic and platonic.
I am just glad she did it in less than 5 years than waiting 15 or 20, as it would have happened regardless.
One big thing i noticed is the difference between advice i get here, and advice i get from family/friends IRL that actually know EXWIFE.
Here i get a lot more "Benefit of the doubt" type advice, whereas most of my close relations IRL give much more "Aggressive" advice, as they have seen how she is in real life, as well as how much she has done to others in the past.
That has been a difficult duality to work with.
She is really starting to feel like a ghost to me. A myth.
I tried earlier to formulate a picture of her in my head, and i cant really do it anymore.
I avoid photos and videos so i havent truly looked at her face in ages, it is fading from my memory, obviously not permanently, but the details are fading.
No benefit of the doubt advice from V. This WW tried to have you locked up and separate you from your son.
So nah and meh are what you get from me.
V
Thanks V. I knew you would have something to that effect to say.
I think its endearing that some folks cant wrap their head around true emotional abuse.
I wouldnt wish the horrid feelings on my worst enemy.
Although i have let go of the acidic hatred i have been feeling for months, "becoming amicable" with EX is not letting my guard down.
Honorable Skeptical Vigilance is my current Plan of Action.
Good to see life is turning a new leaf for you. I would say that never let your guard down in a healthy way for yourself - as in be as neutral as possible and have a healthy mindset of skepticism, but not let it go over into paranoia or becoming neurotic.
I am not sure if I got the give your W 'benefit of the doubt' advice kinda vibe here. I think what most people were suggesting is that instead of going straight to the negative reasons why she might say or do something, just stay neutral and take it at face value. Not saying she's turned around for the positive either - that takes consistent action over time and you'll know it if it actually happens.
I'd say that staying neutral is probably the best way to be about it - don't assign it a good or bad meaning. It will help you keep your sanity.
Good to see life is turning a new leaf for you. I would say that never let your guard down in a healthy way for yourself - as in be as neutral as possible and have a healthy mindset of skepticism, but not let it go over into paranoia or becoming neurotic.
Paranoia is where i was living. Didnt do any good.
I am not sure if I got the give your W 'benefit of the doubt' advice kinda vibe here. I think what most people were suggesting is that instead of going straight to the negative reasons why she might say or do something, just stay neutral and take it at face value.
Ok that's fair. Only issue i have with that is I said several times, in several different ways she is a compulsive liar, its a damn shame, but i cannot take anything she says at face value.
Unfortunately due to her choices, lies and manipulations, she will need to work for YEARS to rid herself of the "Guilty until proven innocent" label in my head.
On the other side of that coin, I also need to not have a knee jerk reaction to everything she says and read 1000 pages too deep into it. Just respond if needed, dont if not, and move on with my day.
Not saying she's turned around for the positive either - that takes consistent action over time and you'll know it if it actually happens.
Not holding my breath. She will keep up the "BubblyNice Lady" act for as long as she feels it suits her, if she percieves any insult (real or imagined) it will be back to business as usual, silence and scorn.
Self-Reflection and changing for the better are not part of her SOP's. It's an intrinsic trait of NPD. Nothing is ever their fault, and no guilt, or remorse will ever exist. Anyone doing anything that doesnt directly improve their life is scum.
I'd say that staying neutral is probably the best way to be about it - don't assign it a good or bad meaning. It will help you keep your sanity.
I just try to think of her as a poorly functioning Android/Replicant at this point.
desperately trying to replicate Human thoughts and emotions and failing at it, awkwardly.
She is pre-programmed by her disorder to act and think the way she does, at the end of the day its sad and pitiable, and really not entirely her fault.
I am reminded of a line from one of my Sons favorite books, A detective, and the King that hired him are looking for The Kings Lost Elephant, and were following a trail of tear drops, only to find out they were crocodile tears and they are on the wrong path.
They come across the crocodile, who almost eats them as they followed the path of tears almost right into the crocodiles mouth, but the detective puts his umbrella in the crocodiles mouth and pushes The Crocodile into the river,
The Crocodile says: "I am So Sorry!" *and a big tear rolled out of the crocodiles eye*
The King says: "Look, he is crying, that means he is Sorry"
Big Max replies: "A crocodiles tears can fool you, he is not crying because he feels bad, he is crying because he did not get to eat us for dinner"
"DONT REMIND ME!!!" said the Crocodile, and he cried some more.
Still dealing with surpressing random bouts of anger.
S3 was giving me a hard time this morning and I took it out wrongfuly on SIL.
I feel like an a$$ about that.
Its tough to cope with not feeling like i know myself.
I dont entirely like the person I seem to have become a lot of the time since BD / affair exposure.
Ive always had to keep my temper in check, but it was never this hard.
In the past I may have lost my cool once a year, if that. It was a very rare thing.
Now it seems to be Monthly or even Bi-Weekly.
The worst part is the aftermath, I just react. Then i feel like a bag of crap afterwards (<-- Guilt, so no, Fogg, im not narcissistic, trust me I dove into the DSM-5 definitions of Cluster B Personality Disorders not only to find out what EXWIFE's issue is, but to look inward and see if I perhaps displayed too many traits as well. We all show aspects of "Healthy Narcissism" as some Ego is key to self confidence. I addressed these concerns with my IC as well, and she confirmed with me that what I am likely experiencing is CPTSD symptoms, not Bi-Polar or Narcissistic Traits. As the blame shifting and trauma bonding will commonly cause the victim of abuse to think THEY are the ones with a mental issue. Look up some of the symptoms of CPTSD. It explains this "Im the problem" syndrome, as it is cultivated deliberately by the Abuser through Gaslighting and is a common symptom of CPTSD victims of emotionally abusive relationships to think they are in fact the ones with mental issues)
Today in general seems to be permeated with negative vibes, i have noticed everyone in my office is very quiet and reserved today. S3 was uncharacteristically temperamental this morning (he is usually delightful in the morning)
I just want to go back to Camp. This past weekend was so liberating and healing.
Oh well, on with my day. They cant all be Zingers as they say.
Game Night tonight, and my friend who hosts game night just got some crap news about his sisters Cancer diagnosis, so that puts the severity of my situation WAYYY on the back burner, Gonna go be there for a friend in need.
Another friend from the same group has been dealing with his Fiance's MS diagnosis, so there are plenty of reminders in life to show things cold a a phuk ton worse for me than they are.
Im so grateful i have a group of mutually minded friends, where we can gather, put the trials and pain of real life on hold, have a few beers and get lost for a few hours in Fantasyland.
I have a good, solid tribe of truly caring and strong people at my back.
More than i can say for EXwife.
"Although you may spend your life killing, you will not exhaust all your foes. But if you quell your own anger, your real enemy will be slain." ~Nagarjuna, India, alive around 200 CE.
Been getting back into doing some research into how to heal better.
Another great video by Richard Grannon - "Exploring PTSD cures : calm the monkey, still the lizard and free the human"
really helped to listen to on my drive to work today.
What have you all found to be your preferred method for truly feeling at peace?
Some seem to prefer meditation, and others find peace being busy.
I am still toying with which activities help best to keep the mind clear.
What new hobbies or crafts have you all picked up in your post BD days?
Like everything else I think it is important to strike a balance.
Physical exertion or exercise is number one for me. Biking to and from work is a great way to work it in for me.
Yoga is a bit of the combination of the two. Again, very important for me.
Listening to podcasts is a great distraction.
Being social and around friends is great.
Going out to the movies and losing myself in the theater experience.
That said, I think meditation is crucial. Sitting in silence with myself, my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts - letting them pass without gripping onto them. Being in the moment and enjoying a walk with my dog can be meditative, as can an easy bike ride w/o music or distractions.
I find my balance when I have a mixture of prayer - exercise- activities . As long as mind my and body are active - it allows me less time to dwell in negativity. Wishing you well on your journey!
Oh, I volunteer too. volunteerism is wonderful thing with so many benefits. You feel good about contributing and stay busy, and communities benefit.
I also have a side gig as a drill sergeant........
def. agree on volunteering. I am still miffed that I had to move to a town that doesn't have a Volunteer/Call fire department. I miss the Big Red Truck so much!!
***DISCLAIMER*** not something I am going to act on!!
I have been experiencing odd resurgences is sexual thoughts of EX the past few days.
She has shown up in dreams, and un-asked for in sexual thoughts when awake also.
I know if we were to EVER re-engage sexually, it would give her the opportunity to burst into my emotions like the Kool-Aid Man, so it wont be happening, but for a long time my sexual attention was diverted elsewhere as I tried to move on from EXWIFE.
Now i have the fresh surge of desire and thoughts of her in that manner.
Has anyone else experienced this?
Any advice on how to cope with it or make it go away?
I have VERY fond memories of out times together sexually, but id rather just not think of her, as enjoyable as the memories and/or fantasies can be, they are bittersweet and she shouldnt be in my headspace.
okay in a weird spot right now was just scrolling through my Instagram feed and noticed my ex on my list of suggested followers. She has had me blocked for months, so for some reason she unblocked me. My account is private hers is not, curiosity got the best of me And I opened her page. No evidence of om but I've have known that she hasn't posted anything about him. God she looks good. Crap that was a bad idea. it just came as such a shock because I've just grown accustomed to being blocked. Damn it. it's amazing that just seeing two photos can have such a profound effect. I backed out of her page before I looked at more. Already missing her like crazy. WTF.
Above post was voice to text.
Okay. it doesn't change my resolve or my game plan. It doesn't change what happened. Nothing is different it's not a big deal.
Can i please get some input here?
The unblocking on social media is really odd to me. Why open it all up now?
I can only assume its a temp check to see if i start liking and viewing her posts and whatnot.
She activley chose to unblock me on several social media platforms all in one day.
She may have done this to try and have me see the photos she posted from her trip to Canada with OM, but still no actual posts acknowledging any R with OM. Nothing.
I didnt linger in her page for longer than it took to see 2 photos last night.
I asked SIL if OM was in any of the photos so i wouldnt look myself.
Temp check or rubbing the trip in my face?
Which do you all think is the likely cause?
Hi orange. Just detach and avoid the mind reading. Go out for a run. Take your mind to a safer state. You are getting stronger. Keep GAL
No way to know why and it doesn't matter. Cheeseless tunnel.
I agree with everyone else O....know one has anyway of knowing. My XW sent me a selfie of her and my D eating lunch yesterday. 1 yr ago this would have had me all spun up.....now it's not even on my radar emotionally. I looked at the picture and it didn't even hit my radar.
Just keep moving forward and work on detaching.
The characters in our dreams are actually parts of our own personality, so all those dreams are is your subconscious trying to get you to stop pushing down or not acknowledging aspects of your whole you. Probably your feminine side, which would make sense. So much of the process of male LBS healing is reclaiming our "manhood" that we neglect our feminine side. Try creating something and immersing yourself in the process.
Thanks gang.
The "Stomach knots of intuition" have returned in full force.
She has a motive behind all she does, and this is a big move for her. so its hard not to try and decipher that motive.
I know ill never know the real reason she did that.
They say hatred is close to apathy, so if i really didnt matter to her, she would have kept me blocked. So it tells me that I am still on her mind, which is fine, she should feel guilt.
I was going to go in and block her now that she has me all unblocked, but decided that would show
A.) i noticed,
and
B.) it effected me. So i am just leaving it alone.
I'm not allowing her the satisfaction of knowing i noticed, it effected me or anything else.
Haircut Update: She did cut his hair, and cut it short the way he wanted it and how i requested it.
There you go Orange, that's progress.
Who knows why she does what she does? And who cares? No sense in wasting your valuable time on such things. Time is the most important asset we have, and no one knows how much of it they have anyways. Spend it wisely.
Days like today i hate working in a cubicle, stuck here with my thoughts.
I need my Warduna (Nordic Music) to cleanse my mind.
I am just taking strength knowing If she is doing this I am still on her mind, and im not going to let her rule mine.
Yea, im thinking about it, but im not going to let it crush my mood and productivity.
I am Odin.
I am the Man on the Silver Mountain.
Vae Victis!
And if you are still on her mind, what does that change?
You said you want nothing to do with her anymore and she is a mentally ill individual who is abusive to your son.
Doesn't change anything. Its just reassuring to know she doesn't posses all the power in this dynamic Ginger. Its bolstering to know she isnt omnipotent.
I don't. You are right.
Cognitive dissonance is still a thing though Ginger.
How extensivly have you researched CPTD, Trauma bonding, Cognitive Dissonance and Gaslighting??
This is not playground psychology here.
She is an emotional predator, and the wounds she left are profound, deep, and will take a lonngggg time to truly scar over.
Unfortuneatley Ginger, she is the mother of my son and i will have to deal with her for at least the next 15 years.
O - Keep your conversations and interactions with her to minimum until you are strong enough to handle. The fall back is "yes", "no", "Thank you" or no response at all.
I have only seen my XW for about a total of an hour in the last month. Kid exchange is literally 5 minutes tops and I am in and out. For no reason other than I don't have anything to say.
The only way for her not to possess al the power in this dynamic is by you not giving it to her. That's not on anyone else but you.
trust me, I know enough about this stuff. My cousin is a psychiatrist. My mother was diagnosed with mental disorders I had to come to understand because dealing with her and understanding how to handle her and how she affected me so deeply , I had no choice. So I learned how to protect myself. From my own mother.
IN the end, we take the knowledge of these diseases and take control. You cannot continue to play the emotional predator card. If you are educated, it is in your hands now how much she controls you. Not hers. All these scars she has left are in your hands to take care of now. Which should really be treated by a psychiatrist if you have been so deeply affected.
The drill sergeant here is saying you need to man up now and take your knowledge and make it power.
I have been raising my daughter, divorced with a narcissist for 11 years now, since she was a baby. 6 months old. I know I had to learn how to raise her for the rest of our life together. it takes a lot of mental fortitude and learning. But the biggest thing was not letting him control me or blaming anything on him anymore. I am in control now.
Sooooo, how did you come to know she unblocked you?
O - Keep your conversations and interactions with her to minimum until you are strong enough to handle. The fall back is "yes", "no", "Thank you" or no response at all.
I have only seen my XW for about a total of an hour in the last month. Kid exchange is literally 5 minutes tops and I am in and out. For no reason other than I don't have anything to say.
She hasnt contacted me about anything so the communication issue is pretty good right now.
Thankfully i dont need to see her at kid exchanges due to her charming TRO. SIL or my grandparents are usually the ones to hand S3 off to her.
Sooooo, how did you come to know she unblocked you?
I explained that in my post last night.
I was scrolling through my on Instagram feed, saw my friends Gaming Charity group under "Suggested to Follow" and it lists the the "followed by".
I saw her name on the "followed by" listing, which struck me as odd because she has had me blocked since Jan. and if you are blocked the other persons name doesnt come up under such things like that, they are completely blocked out from you seeing anything.
Earlier in the day her little chat bubble had reappeared in my list of "Active Contacts" on Facebook messenger too, showing she had unblocked me there also.
Short answer:
I wasnt snooping. I was minding my own business on my own social media, and her name is now popping up again as a suggested friend.
The only thing i did that i shouldn't have was click on her page for a hot moment, saw one photo, felt the emotional response, and noped the hell off her page.
That is good O then she should have little impact on you then and it will only get better.
The only way for her not to possess al the power in this dynamic is by you not giving it to her. That's not on anyone else but you.
I agree, the thing i struggle with is not being able to choose when she enters headspace, and not being able to push her out of headspace once she gets there, and the "being stuck in a cubicle" factor doesnt help."
trust me, I know enough about this stuff. My cousin is a psychiatrist. My mother was diagnosed with mental disorders I had to come to understand because dealing with her and understanding how to handle her and how she affected me so deeply , I had no choice. So I learned how to protect myself. From my own mother.
thats awful. I am sorry you had to deal with that. I wish EX had grown through her trauma like you had, rather than being crushed and defined by it.
IN the end, we take the knowledge of these diseases and take control. You cannot continue to play the emotional predator card. If you are educated, it is in your hands now how much she controls you. Not hers. All these scars she has left are in your hands to take care of now. Which should really be treated by a psychiatrist if you have been so deeply affected.
Working on it with IC. its a long road of recovery, as you know.
Just because i logically understand it, and know what i need to do, does not unfortuneatley mean i am free of the ability to be emotionally effected by it. the scars are healing, but still a bit deep and raw. ive got em salved and bandadged, and can function on a daily basis, but the wounds still hurt the the dressings come off. Know what i mean?
The drill sergeant here is saying you need to man up now and take your knowledge and make it power.
And you dig on me for being passive aggressive. I earned that Ginger, not offended at all
Ma'am Yes Ma'am. Ten-Hut!
I have been raising my daughter, divorced with a narcissist for 11 years now, since she was a baby. 6 months old. I know I had to learn how to raise her for the rest of our life together. it takes a lot of mental fortitude and learning. But the biggest thing was not letting him control me or blaming anything on him anymore. I am in control now.
I have thought a lot about how to go about this. I have a feeling it will get easier with time, it already has with the "amicability" messages last week. I just got stupid and allowed that convo to let me drop my guard.
O - It will take a bit for her to get out of your headspace......I would just encourage you to not do anything to put her in your headspace. The hardest part about DBing is being patient and resisting your urges. You must have self-control and that comes easier to some than others.
O - It will take a bit for her to get out of your headspace......I would just encourage you to not do anything to put her in your headspace. The hardest part about DBing is being patient and resisting your urges. You must have self-control and that comes easier to some than others.
I avoid deliberate things that will have her in my headspace, its when she just pops in there uninvited is where i run into trouble.
Then i cant get her out of my headspace.
I loved this woman so hard, i was so dedicated to my family, our marriage, our son and our goals.
Oct 14th will be a YEAR since i found out about OM, and its been over a year already shes been seeing him.
i just imagined i would have purged her from my system by now.
To still be so attached is not only dumbfounding, but also infinitely frustrating.
I wish i could just go have a hypnotist remove her from my mind. forever.
Even any time i am trying to GAL, she is there in the back of my mind.
How the hell do you all completely push them out??
Im normally better at this. The whole thing is still throwing me off. Its very unexpected. Im trying TRYING not to dwell on it.
It just takes time...once your D is final that will help as well. Even though it is a piece of paper it still has an impact. Then when you start dating again that will help also. Eventually you get to a point of acceptance but there is not one magic trick that makes you push them out it is just a combination of things.
Truthfully being separated is the best thing, it's like being D'd without the paperwork. At least that is how I perceived it.
I just cannot fathom getting satisfaction out of negative emotional responses from the father of your child and the man you married.
to think of the duality of how i view marriage and commitment vs. how she did is mind-reeling