1st time posting

[284]

My wife and I have been seperated for going on 5 months now. Walkaway-wife. She is now in a relationship with another man she met on-line. I am realizing that all of the rejection I showed her was a huge mistake. We argued for months before she moved out but I never expected this. She says she has tried to be with me for so long and she finally had to let go. She gave me some blank divorce papers to fill out but I haven't brought myself to fill them out. I still love my wife and am realizing that its probably too late. I am taking care of myself right now and trying to keep myself busy. I have talked with a coach and he told me to do the "get a life" technique, so that's where I'm at right now. Any advise would be appreciated. Thanks!

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[Phoenix9]

You’re among friends and are not alone, brother. Make your self comfortable. This is a great community.

[neffer]

Hi 284. Take your time to read carefully what Cadet posted. Use this forum wisely. Read, read, read. It´s up to you...

[SteveLW]

My wife and I have been seperated for going on 5 months now. Walkaway-wife. She is now in a relationship with another man she met on-line. I am realizing that all of the rejection I showed her was a huge mistake. We argued for months before she moved out but I never expected this. She says she has tried to be with me for so long and she finally had to let go. She gave me some blank divorce papers to fill out but I haven't brought myself to fill them out. I still love my wife and am realizing that its probably too late. I am taking care of myself right now and trying to keep myself busy. I have talked with a coach and he told me to do the "get a life" technique, so that's where I'm at right now. Any advise would be appreciated. Thanks!

You haven't provided much detail. Did he new relationship start before or after she became WAW?

My immediate advice: Do what the coach says! GAL like a madman. Also detach as Cadet tells you. You have to let her go. 180s where necessary. And just be the best 284 that you can be.

On the divorce papers, this is typical pure laziness on the WAWs part. I would get rid of the papers. When she has you served, then you deal with it. But since you do not want the D make her do all of the heavy lifting for the D. Do not do her dirty work for her.

Also, "She says she has tried to be with me for so long and she finally had to let go." They all say stuff like this. Usually they "give up" once they have someone new. That is why I asked about the new relationship. Likely she was already involved in an EA with this guy when she became a WAW.

[NicoleR]

Hi 284, your wife's online relationship might end and she might try to come back. It's not too late, but so much damage has been done already. I hope you'll hang in there and learn as much as you can about what you can do to increase the chance that your wife will come back, if you still want her back. There are many spouses who argue and have problems and still stay together - when one person decides to cheat there's not as much you can do. It's so painful. I hope you'll keep reaching out and finding all the resources you can find about affairs to better anticipate what lies ahead.

[284]

Thank you all for the support and advice. I have been reading like crazy and staying busy! It does seem to help.

I will attempt to put more detail in my sitch for you. H45/W44. We have known each other since Jr. High and had allot of the same friends. She has D19/S17 from her 1st M. I have S11 whose maternal mother died when he was 2 yrs old. Hi s mother and I were engaged at the time of her death. That event changed me forever, I was horrified! I raised my S alone for the next 3 yrs and dated no one during this time. As time went on, and I was no longer grieving, I decided that I no longer wanted to be alone. I wanted a woman in my life again as well as a mother to my son. The woman that I called that day is my W. She moved in with me and my son and everything was great. We got M after 2 yrs of being together and decided to move into a bigger home. Things seemed to go downhill from that time on. Neither one of us were taking very good care of ourselves physically and I became very depressed, leading to a SSM. I was ignoring her and we were NOT communicating well at all. Instead of working on the marriage, we argued constantly. I'm fairly certain that it was during this time that she started talking with OM online. .She was losing jobs faster than she could get them too which was causing financial issues as well. This went on for 6months or so. She was treating me like dirt and it was pissing me off. She ended up taking all of our pictures of the walls as ways to punish me I guess, she moved downstairs for a week, then her and her D were gone. Should of seen that coming!! She claimed she was just moving her D out and was planning on coming back home...yeah right. I wasn't buying it. I changed the door locks and wouldn't let her in. Probably went a little over the top, but did she not think that I would be a little angry? She tried to come over and would text me many times. I basically shut down. I was angry!!

4 months later, she told me she was on a date. I wasn't ready to hear that. We argued vigorously for days after that, then POOF..my anger was gone and reality set in that this was all real. I was headed for D. I told her ILY for the 1st time in months and she got really emotional. We actually started going to lunch together for a week or so. She came to the house, we were intimate, she told me ILY. A few days later she tells me that I can text her but that's it. Man, my emotions were jacked up!

I was desperate, I wanted answers. I found the DR. I listened to my coach and started GAL. Some of the best advise I've ever gotten! I'm sure that I'm doing more wrong than I am right ,but I feel better more days than not. It is also allowing me to focus more on my S.

GAL......you will feel better!!

[284]

Having one of those days. Missing my W today! Went to therapy yesterday, realizing how much work I need in the area of communication. I'm not a very good listener either. I did feel good to talk about things though and it reminds me to be NICE to people. I'm feeling kind of stuck. I actually talked with my W in person on Wed. I was upbeat, trying to make good eye contact. It kind of felt like she was feeling me out. Had a couple of plesent texts later that day. I was curious if GD would be in my best interest since I basically shut her out of my life for so long. I don't know if I'm making things worse or better.

[bhappy2]

Having one of those days. Missing my W today!

Completely normal, now what are you going to do to help you not miss her? Follow cadets links, they work. GAL as much as possible.

Went to therapy yesterday, realizing how much work I need in the area of communication.

This is great you are identifying what changes you need to make, for you.... not to get a reaction from W.

It kind of felt like she was feeling me out.

Nope you are mind reading, this will only lead to more frustration. You have no idea what she is thinking or feeling.

Had a couple of plesent texts later that day.

Stop texting her unless it is something important, do not ask her how she is doing...


You must start to take care of yourself, GAL like crazy, exercise...

[black8]

284, please listen to the advice. Do not pursue or text. Act as if nothing is wrong. Go to the gym and work out. It helps a lot. I got a membership and a trainer and really have focused on myself. Hire a lawyer to know your rights.

[284]

Starting to slowly understand. Haven't heard from her in 5 days, haven't attempted to get ahold of her either. At least there's no arguing or drama. My S11 health is even improving! It's amazing what stress will do to us. I want to blame all of these problems on me, but I know now that is not helping me. I must look up. I will also be finally moving out of this empty house into an apartment soon. Feels good to be moving forward although leaving the memories of our lives together as a family will be difficult. Been doing a lot of walking, breathing, grieving. I have lost weight and it feels amazing!

[284]

I just received a text from W. She states that our marriage is over and she Hope's that I understand that. She has all the paperwork filled out and she needs me to go get them motorized at a bank. She said we wont have to even go to court. She says shes not doing it because she hates me and that she would still be here for me. I haven't heard from her in almost a week and now she hits me with this. Do I just accept the fact that she no longer want to be M. It is her choice I guess, I have no control over her.

[Davide]

I'm sorry to hear that 284. That must be rough. My own D-day is probably about 8 months in the future, and I'm sure it will hit me like a sack of bricks.

If she wants to go for a divorce then there isn't much you can do. You're absolutely right that you can't control her. That said, it seems like she is moving awfully fast. You don't have to sign anything without going over it with a lawyer or the like. Don't just sign off on it because she wants a quick resolution, make sure that you are protecting yourself, your son and your finances.

Hang in there.

[284]

Thanks for the advice Davide! After I thought about her message for a little bit I was like f#@k it. I told her to drop them off but I wouldn't get them back to her first awhile because I had a lot going on. She text back saying something about dropping them off tomorrow and picking them up on Fri.? She had a dentist appointment to go to. She then offered to go with me to the bank to have them notarized. Last one I replied that we were moving this weekend so this week wouldn't work out very good for me. Haven't heard from her since. I'm at the point that it is what it is. I love her and she knows I'm willing to work on the M and if she just wants D then so be it.

[ovrrnbw]

Hi 284,

I haven't read your whole sitch but you don't have to help her get a D. No way would I be going to get stuff notarized for her. She is capable and she is trying to get all the benefits of a husband from you without the stuff she doesn't want.

She says she will still be there for you? *puke*

[STH17]

My understanding is the only way you don't have to go to court is if you two reach a settlement agreement on your own. I'm currently waiting for my wife to file for divorce. When she does, I plan on treating that only as a rough draft and a start of negotiations, not something I'm going to sign as delivered to me. And I'll meet with a lawyer at least a couple times, at the beginning and end of negotiations. My W mentioned wanting to do mediation a while ago, but hasn't brought it up since.

I was told negotiations can happen outside of court and after filing, that I wouldn't have to sign anything until I agreed to the terms of the settlement agreement.

I don't know what exactly your W wants you to get notarized, but it raised alarms with me that sounded like you might be getting fleeced if it included a settlement agreement. The more I write, the more I realize why people say "talk to a lawyer!" because we are all totally unqualified to give each other legal advice, and this stuff can have lasting consequences.

[EZdozit]

My W who’s in the midst of a MLC actually called me to tell me she intended to file and then asked me to go to the court house to pick them up myself. I swear I can’t make this stuff up...

[284]

She left the papers for me at my house I guess. I will have to look at them when I get home. She says shes doing it this way so that they won't actually have to serve me. We don't really have much together to settle. I am going to take the advice on talking to a lawyer though.

[SteveLW]

My W who’s in the midst of a MLC actually called me to tell me she intended to file and then asked me to go to the court house to pick them up myself. I swear I can’t make this stuff up...

I hope you told her to kick rocks....or ignored her entirely.

This is where we say not to do any of the heavy-lifting for them. She wants the D she goes and picks them up.