Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: Ruby100 Hard to be positive - 07/21/18 07:11 PM
My H (57) & I have been M 32yrs. I met him at 16yrs. He had an affair for 3.5yrs with a colleague, 23yrs younger. He doesnít find me attractive or sexy any more which, combined with the age difference is a huge blow to my SE.
He has been gone 23 months & is still with her. He still visits me, loves to chat & see our dogs (no kids involved). He is now going to work abroad. I believe she is going with him. Iíve said that I want the house cleared & that D proceedings should start. Itís not what I want but needs to happen for my sanity. Breaking up our possessions is heartbreaking even though we are doing it amicably. Iíve believed all along that it was a MLC & thought eventually he would see sense & come home. Sadly not. All I wanted was for him to come home & for us to work on our marriage. We have so much to lose. So much history & memories.
It feels like there will never be an end to the pain that Iím feeling. I feel like I make progress then something else knocks me back. He was my best friend & I miss him so much. I canít imagine a future without him. Iím reading lots of self help books; listening to podcast etc which all help to a degree but I feel stuck. I canít imagine ever dating again or trusting anyone either.
Posted By: Cadet Re: Hard to be positive - 07/21/18 11:29 PM
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Posted By: JujuB Re: Hard to be positive - 07/22/18 12:57 PM
I am so so sorry.

He was deceiving you for over 3 years? That says a lot about him.

This type of deception and loss takes a long time to recover from. Just know that time does heal. Remember that how you feel right now, is not how you will always feel. That feelings are not permanent.

Lots of self care and self love. Exercise is super important right now. It will help you release endorphins. Get a new hair style, go out with friends, and family. Volunteer. Travel. Do something you always wanted to do, but never did. These types of things are critical to building back your self esteem.

Dont rely on him for your self esteem or for validation. He is capable of lies, gaslighting, disloyalty. Hes not a good person and neither is OW.

Would you ever want to marry or start a life with someone that was cheating on his long term partner? To me that would be a huge red flag. I would run. He is not a prize.

Can yiu tell us more about you?
Posted By: Ruby100 Re: Hard to be positive - 07/24/18 10:36 PM
Hi JujuB.

Your question made me think about the progress Iíve made so far, thank you.

Iíve been on holidays & have made new friends. I go to Pilates; am involved in amateur dramatics & Iíve been doing some photography workshops & volunteering. Iím not so good on the exercising; eating or sleeping well so thatís something for me to work on. I have a great supportive family & a job that I enjoy.

My Hís move abroad has forced me to decide to divorce & itís something I really donít want to do. It sounds stupid but Iím scared of the process. He is so clever & much more financially aware than me.

I believed that this was a MLC & would come to an end. My H is not the same man as the one that Iíve been married to for all this time. In fact I canít believe that heís done this. A young girlfriend; buying a motorbike. - itís all so out of character for him.

I admit Iíve not been perfect. Who has? I have had jealousy issues although, maybe I was right to have concerns?

I am working on my SE & hoping that the divorce will be as amicable as possible. I would just like to see some light at the end of this long dark tunnel. I could feel that my mood was getting low but I think that I reached rock bottom at the weekend & now the only way is to go upwards!

Thanks for taking the time to reply & for making me see the progress Iíve made.
Posted By: Cadet Re: Hard to be positive - 07/25/18 12:16 AM
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Posted By: Ruby100 Re: Hard to be positive - 07/25/18 04:51 AM
Thanks for the advice Cadet & all the links. Really helpful. I will reread the books.
Posted By: Gerda Re: Hard to be positive - 08/10/18 03:06 AM
Ruby, I really liked what you wrote on Coly's thread so I checked out your thread. So sorry to see your pain, I can feel it drenching your words but I also see your light shining through brightly! You are a light!

A priest told me a few days ago, "You are not a pitiful thing! Stop looking like a pitiful thing! You are an agent of God!" This has helped me so much in my latest dark development, to keep reminding myself of that.

Why don't you think it's MLC with your H? It sounds exactly like MLC!

Why don't you think he will ever come back? Do you actually think a silly little girl like that is going to stay with an older man forever? That "love" is a counterfeit built on a foundation of sand, and that will be clear one day; but I know you feel that searing fire in your heart, believe me, I know!

It sounds like you are doing some wonderful things with your life now, that is great! And it's wonderful that you can be amicable when you are so hurt.

I've been standing for 5 years now. My stand brought me to faith and now faith helps me stand. If you are at all religious, I would check out rejoice ministries, you can get a daily e-mail from them and listen to lots of things on their site too. I don't think I could have done this without them, and of course with all that that journey led me to as far as standing with faith.

With love you to you, and encouragement! Your light is very clear through your words!
Posted By: Ruby100 Re: Hard to be positive - 08/10/18 06:51 AM
Thank you Gerda for your kind words.

I saw my H last night - we are clearing the house of his belongings, ready for his move abroad.

I have been feeling like the sand of time was running out. I felt like I needed to ask him all those questions that in your despair you need the answers to. I am so frightened to lose him forever. I felt that, when he left, the opportunity to ask would be less.

So I asked why wasnít I enough? Why did he say all those spiteful things that I canít get out of my head? Why, if I was stilll his ďsoulmateĒ did he not fight for me & our marriage etc etc. Obviously I didnít get many answers. He apologised & said he never meant to hurt me but was trying to find reasons why he felt so bad at the time. If he could go back in time he would do things differently.

When I asked if he was happy, he said yes & I said that, whilst I didnít want to play the victim, because I would be fine, it seemed so unfair that 2 people could be so wicked to inflict such pain on another person & yet they could be happy. That they deserved each other because they both knew what level they would stoop to to get their own way.

I said I hoped to find forgiveness at some point but I was upset that neither of them cared enough to ask for it. From what Iíve read, the forgiveness is for my benefit, not theirs but thatís a work in progress for me.

In one sense, I agree with you about her staying with him but she is getting used to a very financially comfortable lifestyle. Surely she wonít give that up? She tells him heís her soulmate & I think she believes it - He says he canít tell her the same. You are right though - it is all based on lies & deceit & thatís not a good foundation for a relationship.

All along I believed it was a MLC but heís been in a relationship with her since Dec 2012 so thatís why I started to doubt myself & wonder if it really was genuine. How long can you put your life on hold just waiting for him to return?

Rightly or wrongly Iíve asked the questions & strangely I feel a little lighter. The sense of pressure that I had been feeling in my chest has eased - for today anyway!

I do have faith but I donít go to church. Your priest made a lot of sense - ďStop looking like a pitiful thing. You are an agent of GodĒ. I must remember that. Iíll check the website you suggested. Thank you Gerda & thank you for taking the time to reply x
Posted By: ovrrnbw Re: Hard to be positive - 08/10/18 02:18 PM
Hi Ruby,

First of all, I want to say that this has to be a very challenging and heartbreaking time for you. Although I'm sure you've adjusted some to it because of the time it's been going on.

Your H was just going to move out of the country without getting a D? Did he explain this at all?

How have the last 23 months gone for you? Were you pursuing him and calling and asking him to come home or were you just trying to let it "run its course"?
Posted By: Ruby100 Re: Hard to be positive - 08/11/18 05:49 AM
Hi ovrrnbw

Thanks for your message. Yes, with time you learn to adjust. You have to. I have highs & lows; the lows being mainly due to either the anniversary of memorable dates or if Iíd found out that they had been on holiday etc. Sometimes after his visits.

He has never asked for a D, which yes is odd. He wasnít in any hurry to clear the house either - Iíve had to push him to do it. I think that after the D, the OW will put pressure on him to M & he has told me heís not ready for that. There may also be a tax advantage for him to D when out of the UK.

In the beginning, yes I asked him to come home but as time passed I stopped as I realised it had no effect - he was so infatuated with her & his new sense of freedom. I have, on occasions, questioned him & it was probably about 3/4 months ago that he finally said he couldnít come back. Up until then he had always said he didnít know what he wanted. Now this new career has come along, he knows itís what he wants & he would have gone with her or without her. He will be back in the UK frequently &, if Iím OK with it, he plans on still visiting me & the dog.

During our separation, he would text & ask if he could walk the dogs with me or come & see us & have a chat - this has been, on average, every 3 weeks since he left. We still get on really well & when he visits; it feels so natural & comfortable & then he leaves again to go back to his new life. Because I thought he was having a MLC & that I believed he still valued my friendship (says he wants to remain friends after D), it left me in a sort of limbo for a long time. You may say that he is having his cake & eating it & you would be right but I am not ready to let go yet. I wanted to leave the door open, in case he ever could find his way back to me.

As Iím writing this, it all sounds ridiculous & that Iíve no SE or set any boundaries. If I had a girlfriend in the same situation I would be telling her to D & never look back but he has always been my best friend & I took my marriage vows seriously & hoped, at some point with all the SE work that Iíve been doing, he would see the qualities in me that he saw when I was 16. Iíve not been a complete pushover with him - but I guess I have allowed him to call the shots at times for fear of losing him for good.

Iíve pushed myself hard to GAL; to make new friends; go new places & to take myself out of my comfort zone & I feel I am more the person that Iím naturally supposed to be & for that Iím really proud of myself so some good has come out of this. I think itís his move away that has unsettled me more than I realised & fear of life post D, which I feel I have no option but to proceed with.

Sorry, what a long rambling reply to your short message! Glad you asked?!
Posted By: ovrrnbw Re: Hard to be positive - 08/11/18 02:55 PM
That's not rambling, I was hoping for details!

It is odd that he hasn't pushed for D. He doesn't want to lose you, or else he'd have done this. Now I don't think this means he absolutely wants you back, but he hasn't had to think about wanting you back bc he hasn't really lost you.

You took your vows seriously, so you aren't giving up right? But letting him go, stopping the cake eating, is the true test of your commitment. It's hard, but that's reality for you. He hasn't lost you but you've lost him. Let him feel that loss and he will begin to think about the tough choices.

And quit acting like you'd be "friends" with him if you divorced. Males and females are friends bc they're hoping for an opening down the road. But if you got divorced, you'd be so god dang happy in your new life that you wouldn't care for such an arrangement. Or so it should seem to him. This would get his attention IMO.
Posted By: Notavic Re: Hard to be positive - 08/11/18 03:43 PM
Oh, Ruby! Your situation sounds, in some ways, very similar to mine. We've been married 34 years. He had an affair for about 2.5 years before he decided not to leave me. I had so many opportunities to set firm boundaries, but I didn't. He was my best friend (the OW told me he was hers. Yeah, that hurt.) Right now, we're basically roommates. I'm becoming awake to the severity of the situation and am in a lot of pain. I don't have any words of wisdom beyond what has already been said, because, it's early days of my own recovery, but I wanted to hold out a hand of solidarity to you.
Posted By: Ruby100 Re: Hard to be positive - 08/12/18 05:54 AM
You are right, I have made it easy for him. He knows if things donít work out, he can come back because he knows how much I love him still.

He is someone who takes things very literally so if I were to say ďI never want to see you againĒ, he would be upset but would respect & heed what I say. He would never try to come back, how ever much he missed me, because he would think I didnít want to see him.

His move away will be a test, both for his R with the OW & with me.

Thanks for your advice, Iíll give it some thought. I had said, last time I saw him, that friendship was unlikely after D but I doubt he believes that I mean it. Maybe I can be less available to make him realise what heís giving up. Thanks for your time, I appreciate it.
Posted By: Ruby100 Re: Hard to be positive - 08/12/18 06:47 AM
Oh bless you Notavic, itís hard when youíre been with someone most of your adult life to find that theyíve let you down. Itís like half of you is missing. Your hopes & dreams shattered. Iím sorry that youíre feeling so much pain.

Maybe itís time to focus on you? Find out who you truly are & what you like to do - in a long term R we kind of morph together as one sometimes forgetting our own needs.

If I had to say one positive thing that has come out of my situation then it would be the journey of finding of my true self & from someone whoís had low SE issues, I now quite like myself. It has taken lots of work & a determination that my H & the OW would not destroy my life anymore than they already had.

Someone gave me advice when my H left & she said never refuse an invitation, however much you donít want to go, be brave & accept. Iím not talking about another R, but going out, having fun & conversation with others. For me itís generally with women because it feels safer. Iím always amazed, when you open up to people, that they all have a story to tell.

I canít imagine that your ďroommateĒ situation is easy but heís still there. You have an opportunity to try to turn this around. Only time will tell if itís possible. But remember to look after you first. - that is the most important thing at this stage.

I have a book that I write quotations in & somewhere I read this:-

ďThere is no one out there to save us, to take care of us, to heal the hurt. But there is a very fine person within, one we barely know, ready & willing to be our constant companionĒ James Hollis

I/we are all here for you to support you. Iím sending you love & wishing you peace x
Posted By: Notavic Re: Hard to be positive - 08/12/18 05:55 PM
Thank you so, so much, Ruby!! Yes, it is difficult when you've been w/ someone since aged 19, and, as you said, morphed into one person. I had let myself do that for SO long. I was so naive to think that once he became sober (nearly 30 years ago) that everything was "all better" and I backslid on my own emotional recovery.

I am learning to find who I am and try to GAL, although I feel like I still have a ways to go yet on that. I'm going to book clubs at my local library, when my schedule allows, and after 15 years here, I finally feel like I have found something in this area that I like to do. I also keep in contact with old friends from neighboring states. I've lost some (needed) weight recently, which is something else I'm doing for me. For a while after H decided to stay in the M, I had obsessively cooked for him, as his love language is food. But now, I need to look after myself and not bring foods that I can't have into the house. I'm learning to rethink how I do cook in light of my new healthier me.

I love your quote. This is SUCH a necessary lesson, especially since I've been with H, as you said, my entire adult life. There is no knight in shining armor. There is no Superman. He is not, as my therapist said, a "wounded prince." It's hard to face reality and maintain a balance, but I'm working on it.

I am grateful for your support.
Posted By: Ruby100 Re: Hard to be positive - 08/13/18 05:42 AM
Dear Notavic
It sounds like you are doing all the right things & well done for losing the weight. Remember there is no quick fix. You are in for a very long ride emotionally.
One of your recent posts mentioned your anger which I too struggled with at first & still do from time to time. This quote really resonated with me by Buddha:-
ďHolding onto anger is like grasping hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burnedĒ.
As hard as it is, you have to love both yourself & him. Anger is such a wasted energy & so destructive. Iíve read so many books during my separation trying to find the answers & Iím still searching! As you like reading, other than Michelleís great books, maybe try ďThe Power the SecretĒ by Rhonda Byrne; ď The Four AgreementsĒ Don Miguel Ruiz; Louise Hay & David Kesslerís ďYou Can heal your heartĒ; ďDetach & SurviveĒ Midlife Maze. Andrew Marshallís books are great too.
Have you tried Tapping/ EFT? It helps me so much with the feelings of overwhelm. Checkout The Tapping Solution.com.
I hope Iím allowed to make all these recommendations, sorry admin if Iím not.
Be kind to yourself & take care Notavic x
Posted By: Notavic Re: Hard to be positive - 08/13/18 11:09 AM
Thank you so much, Ruby. I'm definitely going to have to check out some of those books. I'm still waiting for my replacement copy of DR to get here.

The long haul is what is so difficult to accept, but something I would have done well to realize at the beginning of our M. He has issues from the very beginning of life that have not been resolved. Having said that, I need to stop excusing his behavior.

I do love him. I need to figure out and remember how to do that in a healthy way.

It is comforting to have someone who understands my situation. I've made so many mistakes for so many years.
Posted By: Ruby100 Re: Hard to be positive - 08/13/18 09:59 PM
You are not alone in making mistakes, so have I & I imagine most of us on this website. So donít beat yourself up, lifeís difficult enough already!

It will be a long haul but if you start to focus on you then if you canít save your marriage, you will have become a stronger person & more prepared for what your future has to offer.
Posted By: Notavic Re: Hard to be positive - 08/14/18 03:30 AM
Thank you, Ruby. The only book that you recommended that I can find in my library (in English) is "the Power" which is on CD. I've ordered that to come from a neighboring library and am looking forward to listening to it.

H is in contact with a therapy practice at my insistence. He hasn't had a session yet, but is playing phone tag with them. I told him that his resentment of me (for being the breadwinner) is not sustainable. I was hoping that if he cut contact with the OW, (again, at my insistence) he would work his way out of the MLC, but that hasn't happened and it's been 1.5 years.

At this point, I don't know what's going to happen. I should have put out a boundary 5 years ago when he moved out of the MB. But, that's water under the bridge. I just couldn't imagine that this would happen to us. I still keep hoping. I think he just wants to live here and not work on the marriage, which I told him is not going to be possible.



Posted By: Ruby100 Re: Hard to be positive - 08/14/18 09:23 PM
Hi Notavic

The trouble with MLC is that they will only do what they want to do, when they want to do it. You canít force them even If you think you know best!

I kept hoping that my H would see sense & give up the OW but Iím still waiting, nearly 2 yrs since he left & thereís no sign of him coming back, ever. The other night he told me I was his soulmate. He said that the OW thought that he was her soulmate but he couldnít bring himself to say it back to her. He said he realises now that the affair was all his fault & the spiteful things he said about me/to me were because he was trying to find reasons to explain why he felt the way he did. When I asked him why, if he knew it wasnít due to me, hadnít he fought to get me back he said by the time he realised, ďthings had moved onĒ! So heís prepared to throw away someone who heís known for a 35+ years & is his soulmate for a young, 35 year old, selfish woman who had no morals or concerns contributing to the breakdown of our marriage. It doesnít make sense to me.

I think the MLC makes them very selfish & ego driven & that is why working on you has to be a priority. 5 years down the line, he may still be the same but you, with everything that you are doing, will have blossomed. At least thatís what Iím hoping for for me & you. Somewhere I read that a MLC can go on up to 7 years in some cases - the trouble is that, even if they come out of it, they might not come back to you.

The Detach & Survive book is only available as a download but has been very useful for me.

Take care of yourself.
Posted By: Notavic Re: Hard to be positive - 08/15/18 12:10 AM
Thank you for your wise words. To me, MLC-ers show a real lack of integrity. That's what it boils down to. I really appreciate this forum. Standing can make you really feel like the lone stranger. I ran across a "good for you, you divorced and didn't put up with it" "meme on Facebook today. It's just so reflective of society.
Posted By: Ruby100 Itís over....... - 08/30/18 05:35 AM
My H visited last night. Our plan was to sort out more of his belongings for his move away. I asked him if he was 100% sure he had a future with the OW? ďNo but he knew this new job & move away was rightĒ
Was he 100% certain that heíd done the right thing by leaving home ďYesĒ.
Was he 100% certain that heíd done the right thing leaving me? ďYes - too much had been said & done. That I came as a package with my family & they would never forget what heíd doneĒ
We both said we loved each other & he said that he regretted everything heíd done. I said if 2 people loved each other that theyíd fight to be together. He told me he loved her too.
I feel like Iíve gone back to September 2016 when he left. Like all my chances of ever winning him back are gone & that, as pathetic as this sounds, my life is over - again.
What I donít understand is that I felt I had made such progress with working on myself but his pending move away has stirred up so many emotions that I thought Iíd dealt with. I feel devastated that Iíve lost him all over again. Angry at the OW for taking him away. Frightened of a life without him. He/they are excited about their new life together & I canít see a way out of this despair for me. There is nothing more I can do to save my marriage. Sorry, this sounds ridiculous after all this time. What do I do now? How do I come come back from this?
Posted By: Cadet Re: Itís over....... - 08/30/18 10:46 AM
Originally Posted by Ruby100
That I came What do I do now?
How do I come come back from this?

DB101 start with a beginners mind.

Go back to basics and start again.
Posted By: Jlh Re: Itís over....... - 08/30/18 01:13 PM
Oh Ruby, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm in the same boat as you regarding feeling terrible all over again. Be strong, as strong as you can, we're all here for you if you need to vent or talk. smile
Posted By: Ruby100 Re: Itís over....... - 08/30/18 04:24 PM
Thanks Cadet & JLh, Iíll start reading the book again.
Posted By: ovrrnbw Re: Itís over....... - 08/30/18 05:40 PM
He's just running off with her and hasn't filed?
Posted By: job Re: Itís over....... - 08/30/18 07:07 PM
Ruby,

I have merged your two threads together as your previous thread only had 20 postings. Please keep to one thread until you have reached 100 postings/replies. Thanks!
Posted By: Ruby100 Re: Itís over....... - 08/30/18 07:56 PM
Thanks. Will try job - not entirely sure what Iím doing!
Posted By: Ruby100 Re: Itís over....... - 08/30/18 08:05 PM
Hi ovrrnbw
Regrettably I have. Heís never asked for a D. Iíd love to save my M but heís adamant that he canít come back. His move away was the deciding factor. Finances needed to be sorted. Without a D, I donít think I will ever be able to move forward. Itís breaking my heart but I donít think I have any other sensible option.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Itís over....... - 08/30/18 08:09 PM
Originally Posted by Ruby100
What do I do now? How do I come come back from this?


Very sorry you're going through this. What you do is let him go. Work on you. He's gone for now. The odds are very much against his new R working out, they might make it a few months to a year but it will likely crash and burn at some point. Then maybe he'll come back and maybe he won't, but the important thing is to get yourself to a place where you are fine with either outcome. You can do it, but unfortunately there's no shortcut through the pain you're feeling right now.
Posted By: Ruby100 Re: Itís over....... - 08/30/18 08:55 PM
Thank you AS. I know that youíre right, thanks for the advice. Just wish there was a quick fix.
Posted By: Ruby100 Re: Itís over....... - 10/01/18 05:58 AM
Advice please (I hope I am writing this in the right place this time Job).
Today my H starts his new job abroad. Normally I would send him a good luck card but I havenít & I am not planning to text. I feel bad because thatís what a friend would do but Iím sure the OW is more than compensating.
The ďfriendshipĒ is all one way but Iíve never not been there for him at the start of a job in the last 32 years. Am I doing a 180 or am I just being spiteful? I donít want to lose the friendship with him, although ultimately I think itís inevitable but I do want him to feel what loss means. Am I doing right or not? Comments appreciated. Thank you.
Posted By: URE Re: Itís over....... - 10/01/18 06:11 AM
You are doing the right thing. Don't send the card. Good luck and keep detaching!
Posted By: why15 Re: Itís over....... - 10/01/18 08:39 AM

Ruby100, I just read your story and my heart goes out to you.. I know exactly how you feel.. I am learning the hard way that detaching and 180 are the best thing to do..

my H and I have been married for over 30 years. in 2015 I found out he was cheating on me , he met ow in may and by july he was in love and had to be with her.. ( he's mid 50s and ow is mid 30s divorced with a small child ) by the end of 2015 he left me for her and moved in with her and has been living with her ever since.. he has not asked for a divorce and actually gets angry if I bring divorce up to him.. I have not seen him in 2 years.. he's been with ow for 3.5 years with no end in sight. i truly understand your pain ..

I have only recently started 180/last resort...i am simply at a point that i do not know what else to do.. i will keep you in my prayers..
Posted By: Ruby100 Re: Itís over....... - 10/01/18 05:22 PM

Ure - thank you - your words have kept me strong all day even though Iíve been tempted to text him.

Why - I am sorry to hear that your situation is similar to mine. Iíve read your posts & feel your pain. I think we both know that detaching is necessary for our sanity but itís not easy. When youíve been married as long as we have, your whole life has revolved around that one person. Itís hard then to believe that you can stop being the most important person in their lives & that is one of the most painful parts of affairs.
Combine that with the age difference of us & the OW, it really hits you hard. I feel like I have lost my best friend & 2 years on it still takes my breath away.
Iíve read most of the books you have but also found David Kessler & Louise Hayís book ďYou can heal your heartĒ really helpful. Iíve been using Tapping/EFT to manage the feelings of overwhelm & like you, I journal, a lot! Iíll checkout the other books you mentioned.
The difference between us is that my H visits to see our dog & chat to me. I think he believes that our friendship can continue but Iím not so sure - I donít want to hear about their lives, holidays, future plans - it would be rubbing salt into a wound. I donít think he sees anything wrong in it. Whether they want you in their life or not, itís not easy.
I just wish you could fast track this stage. It seems that this is never ending at times.
Iím thinking of you & hope, that with all the things that you are doing, that you find peace.
Posted By: ovrrnbw Re: Itís over....... - 10/01/18 06:45 PM
Why does he want to "chat with you"? Have you considered this? I'd almost ask him why. I asked my WW last week, point blank "Why are you here?". Probably not the nicest thing to say, and may not be good DB principles, but I was seriously curious as to why she came home? Why not just stay with OM like you do? I don't get it.

Have you told him that you won't be friends with him? Probably ought to just throw it out there plain as day. Tell him it's wrong and there's not a chance in hell you would do that. Ok, say it nicer than that, but you get my point.
Posted By: Ruby100 Re: Itís over....... - 10/03/18 09:34 PM
Hi ovrrnbrw.

Yes Iíve asked him & itís the shared history. I guess Iím the safety net, the link with the familiar past & I donít think he wants to lose that. I have asked him how he thinks this friendship is going to work & he says he doesnít know. Whilst the divorce is going through it makes sense to remain friends, afterwards who knows?

He text me yesterday apologising for not texting on his first day in his new job. I wasnít expecting that! Stupidly flattered that he thought of me.

I read your recent post about your W coming round - that must have been hard for you. What boundaries have you set? Can you detach yourself enough so that you arenít hurt?
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