Thread 1 -
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2791276&page=1Thread 2 -
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2796816&page=1Thanks V, Nicole, Jim. It is 4.5 months into BD, and we have finalized mediation terms seems like a crazy fast burning D train. I would trade it for limbo at this point.
Arsh, that's really fast. In some ways that's too fast to even realize what's happening but on the other hand, if it happens so fast, your husband could snap back just as fast once he realizes what he's done. The move-out and actual divorce sound just miserable both are my worst nightmare. I survived one and not yet the other, but you're doing both with a baby and toddler. It's kind of unbelievable. I saw a functional medicine practitioner last fall and described my husband's behavior and how I was raising my daughter alone and she said "I can't believe you haven't had a nervous breakdown." Everyone last year when my husband moved out said I needed to take SSRI's. Maybe I should have tried them but I read there are side effects and it's hard to get off them. In your case you're nursing a baby so you can't really take them, but I bet for a lot of people they're key to getting through something like this. I wish there'd be a way to find out where you live. I'd come to visit you! I'm in the Northeast USA but we can't really offer specifics on this forum. You can join AnotherSTander's DB Society on Facebook although I think he made it private but we could try asking him to re-open it. Otherwise I hope you'll have a few other special friends who will keep you company and check on you when your husband moves out. Limbo would better although in your case there's a high chance divorce is what your husband needs to come back home so hopefully by allowing this to happen and letting him experience his new life it'll bring him back. My guess is once he comes back he'll be very humble and ready to be an improved version of the guy you originally married. It's at least good that he'll still help with the children - my husband is totally gone. Even when I was extremely ill last year and even now when my daughter and I were sick for six weeks street this summer my husband didn't make any effort whatsoever to help. At least if you get sick your husband can help with the kids but I know that doesn't help much in making you feel better. It's just a nightmare and nothing can really lessen the pain except those two beautiful angels you have will never leave you.
Arsh
When this stuff happens quickly, it is usually to unnerved you and grab the resources.
You didn't let that happen, you rose to the challenge despite the difficulties.
Great stuff.
V
Hi Arsh,
Okay, so per your request, I have read your threads and am going to weigh in. Sometimes I don't like doing that, because I tend to be blunt and it might rub posters the wrong way. I also read a lot of posters here that post frequently, however won't follow the rules -- attempt to detach and only focus on their S -- and so I find it to be a waste of my time. I don't think we can help people if they are not willing to do the hard work, or to at least try to. I do see that you are making an effort, and given your circumstances, it is quite impressive! You are one strong mama! And for the record, I see your sitch and your WH's behavior, as VERY different than Nicole's WAH, even if you both are drawing similarities.
Moving on. Arsh, wow, this is really rough. He is running fast and furious. I am sorry that you find yourself here, and with two babies, it is so confusing and painful. You are handling this like a champ tho, and I mean that, you seem much stronger than I was. You seem to be trying to follow the rules, allowing yourself to detach a bit, however you are keeping interactions cordial. It is so, so hard! The fact that he is moving out IMO is a good thing! Let him go! It is much harder to DB when they are right there and around all the time. You deserve a safe place, where you can process your emotions and just be yourself, and him being in the house will make that feel impossible. You can't process all your feelings and focus on your girls with him grumbling around and making jabs.
My strong sense given the details of your sitch is that your WH is completely wayward. I tend to think that when people are running that quickly and crazily, they are not just running away, but they are running towards something (someone). In your sitch that very well could be an OW, and he is just keeping his tracks very well covered. This is usually an affair (EA or PA), but it can also be an infatuation with the idea of someone else that isn't even reciprocating an A (I have seen that here too). This also could explain his erratic behavior and anger towards you. I have seen it here before, and in fact a recent poster names Meg dealt with a similar pattern. Her H became distant, even hostile with her, and wanted out as quickly as possible, however he insisted there was no one else. Low and behold, OW came to surface in time, and she was totally blind sighted by it. He also wanted to move out as quickly as possible. Why??? Just think about it ...
The anger and what feels like an instant "personality change" stems from him trying to justify what he is doing. There is no justifying it tho, because it's selfish and wrong! On some level he knows it, but that guilt is buried as he blames you. So he is constantly looking for ammunition and it could be as simple as you looking at him sideways. It is very hard to understand, so it's not even worth trying to make sense of. My H acted in a similar way when he was in a fog and I completely felt like I didn't recognize him, it was so bazaar and surreal. The good news is that he is moving out and so you can remove yourself (to an extent) from his circus. He may have family and friends that are supporting him and even blaming you too, but please know that he has lied and manipulated them to. That is what waywards do; they bend over backwards to try and justify it because the A is like a drug. The addiction is so strong that they become very good at convincing others (and possibly you) that they have to get out of this toxic M and it is all the W's fault, poor me, wah wah wah! It's all fabricated BS and it's very strange to goo from having a loving and supportive H and father of your kids, to this alien in only a couple months time.
So what can you do? I am afraid there is nothing you can do to stop him or make him "see the light." Oh boy did I try! Never worked. Often the sooner they go out into the real world (out of the marital home and family environment), the more likely their fantasy world will come crashing down. If you read my sitch, that is what happened with my H and his X-OW. The actual R with OW is not going to be how they imagine it, and over time all Rs fall out of the honeymoon period. He may never even get a chance with said OW, but he is giving up you, so that is his choice and he has to face the music. One thing I would suggest would be to not allow any cake eating. NONE. IF he wants to run from his W, family, and home, let him. Let him feel the loss of it All of it. He can see the kids on his visits and thats it. He can only communicate with you via email about boring logistics. No family time, no vacations, and no playing for his needs!.... You keep holding your head up high, carry on with grace, and pretend as if you are a pro at being divorced and co-parenting, as if it's been years down the road. Wake up and read Sandis rule every day. It is okay to mess up and feel terrible. Each day start over. Find support with your trusted people. I agree about a new IC. You need a great one that you trust 100%
You are human and this is devastating. Take care of you and the girls first and foremost! Be kind and loving to yourself. Be proud of who you are. This will get easier, I promise!!!
Blu
Blu,
That description of the WS "running away" to pursue the AP was very helpful. Thank you. You described my WW very well and put that in to perspective for me.
Arsh,
I have been lurking and reading your threads and I can't imagine how hard this is for you, but I feel like you are doing a great job under the circumstances. Stay strong!
BluWave, I loved the depth of your response.
Arsh, I know it seems crappy, but my WW basically moved out. I'd see her one night a week for quite sometime. The house actually became more peaceful, I could cook, dance, play music, run around naked. It was fun. The garage door when she'd come home triggered this horrible emotional response for me that was reminiscent of my terrible father coming home and at those points I knew my fun was over.
It [censored] at first, especially when you know they are with the OM/OW. But then you start to find things that interest you. My W is (supposedly) visiting her sister for a few days and she told me yesterday morning that she wants to "try" again. I haven't seen much action to back it up yet, and I had an idea pop into my head: drive by OM's apt/parent's house to make sure her vehicle isn't parked there. But then I realized, why waste an hour of my time screwing around. I'll figure this out eventually by the way she is acting and treating me and decided to work on a new little hobby of mine.
I'm not fully detached but the separation isn't as bad as it sounds right now. I wish I had 2 boys to keep me company. We'd be tearing some "stuff" up if I did.
Blu and Arsh, There just has to be someone out there who Arsh's husband met. Perhaps he doesn't want to have an affair so he put everything on hold and said "let me get divorced and then I'll call you" or something like that. Or perhaps he simply met someone for a night and it opened his eyes to all these new possibilities and made him re-think his whole life. There must have been a trigger. Why did he choose BD at that particular time? Sure having a newborn is stressful and it's tempting sometimes to imagine another life but to suddenly just need an immediate divorce??!!
I remember Arsh you saying that your husband doesn't want to get separated first because he doesn't want to give you any hope. My husband used those same words the week before he took his girlfriend off to Dubai on a celebratory trip.
Blu, I'm curious as to how you think our husbands differ? I can take a guess. Mine is just totally out-of-control in all aspects of his life and has years of history now behaving this way. Arsh's husband sounds like he's still holding down a stable job and caring for the kids. Arsh's husband changed overnight with no prior track record of this behavior. Still, they both came from overseas and married before they got a chance to experience single life in the US (or Canada or wherever Arsh lives). They might both have regrets about "missing out." I have no idea because I've spent way too much time trying to figure out my own husband and I still can't.
Arsh, the good thing is there appears to be total consensus on this forum that your husband isn't leaving because you were too controlling or because you didn't support him enough while he was depressed. Hopefully the collective knowledge of this forum helps in at least reinforcing the fact that you are a responsible mom and wife and you've done everything you can to try to stop this divorce. It seems you've done everything you can do. If you stay busy for a year or two I bet one day you'll get a knock on the door or a surprise phone call and guess who will be sorry?! It's worth addressing with your new IC what you'll do if and when that happens. For now, it seems there's nothing more you really need to do. Perhaps mourn the finalization of the divorce and your husband's move-out and then figure out the best routine for your girls going between you and your husband.
I can tell you I've been doing everything as a single mom 100% on my own and it's possible even though I doubt anyone would choose this as their preferred way of raising kids. It's a strange feeling to make decisions on your own, especially related to choices you make for your children. It takes a while to get used to it. I'm sure there are plenty of members here who will support you during this next stage as well.
Thanks Nicole, V, Blu and DB346.
Yes at this time his moving out is for the best. Life will be crazy difficult with such small children, running the house hold and a full time job. But my kids are worth it, every bit of this and more.
V, makes sense, he has been very selfish with money too which again is so unlike the old him.
Blu, thanks for your inputs. All of you who have lived thru this can see things that newbies like me cannot. I made severe mistakes for 2 months, begged, pleaded, cried, stopped eating and sleeping, took all the blame he laid upon me, told him truthfully that I was thinking of killing myself. I felt that before I turned 35 my life was over and having 2 small babies I was helpless.
Over time with more perspective and help of this forum I realized it wasn’t me. But I still stumbled a lot, failed to set boundaries and let him get away with bad behavior. Since all this has started I have not fought with him though, which is a huge 180 for me, first out of shock, then out of hope that he may change if I massage his ego, then by fear to some degree but mostly because I did not feel the need to. i now am able to see a weak, broken person that I once loved more than my own self, I played a role in th decay of the MR I wasn’t perfect but I would move mountains to make it good for the sake of my children and because I believed in us.
I don’t think it’s an A, I think he’s mentally lost it and I also know I will not be the first or last of idiotic W who believes their H is not capable of this.
When he comes back (yes I believe it is a when) and if I decide to take him back there is a lot of pain and trust issues to overcome.
I rely heavily on advice I get from this forum to work thru this, I try my best to act on the suggestions here because if you are too close to the sitch you miss the obvious
I am doing my best to turn this around and R, but most of all I WILL give my Ds the best in the world with or without him
Life will be crazy difficult with such small children, running the house hold and a full time job. But my kids are worth it, every bit of this and more.
I wasn’t perfect but I would move mountains to make it good for the sake of my children and because I believed in us.
I am doing my best to turn this around and R, but most of all I WILL give my Ds the best in the world with or without him
Arshi- what I Love about your posts-is that you always stand for what is right and just. Your priorities of putting your children first are most evident in all you write- It is even in your heading"My little daughters". Things seem to be moving in a fast and furious speed for you now. All the more reason you need to be cool , calm, collected and confident. You are doing a great job with all that you have. Continue to be the lighthouse. I will continue to pray for your family. Blessings!
Arsh...I haven't replied to your sitch before, but like Wlf above I too love hearing you standing for what is right, just and most important. MANY of us feel exactly as you do in the comments Wlf highlighted from you above.
Our support to you may not do much to assuage all of what you are feeling/experiencing, but please know so many others of us are dealing with many of the exact same challenges in our lives. You are not alone!
Praying for you!
Arshi - I second what Blu and Nicole said about there being an A or at least a fantasy of an A or a different life. My W couldn't wait to get everything done. Within a week she wanted out of the marriage, sell the house, and get everything separated. She had an EA, even if she doesn't recognize that it was an EA, with a guy who was going through challenges in his marriage and they bonded over that. He even physically made a move on her and she refused to talk about it with me. This was when I was still weak and not having found DB, that I just kinda took it meekly and didn't give her some repercussions.
At one point after BD, she told me about her fantasy of moving to a bigger city and having a downtown condo and living a large life. So, even if she wasn't contemplating an A with this guy, she was definitely in fantasy land. With DB, I finally got out of her way and got my space and now she's dealing with whatever fantasy A or real A that she thought she was getting into. She was also on her phone a lot and leaving rooms to chat or text etc. It was ridiculous.
But yeah, doing everything quickly and moving so fast is very suspect.
Thanks LW, ovrrnbw, ballast and Maika. It makes a huge difference when I see there are others who support me and share my pain. I read replies here multiple times in a day, I must have read Blu’s at least 20 timesby now. All your support and encouragement gives me strength so thanks so much
There are a lot of red flags I realize that. A quick D without even an attempt at saving MR, secret phone usage, losing weight, more emphasis on dressing these are all glaring in my face. At this point denial is more of a decision on my part. It is easier to be strong if I think of him as an irresponsible immature individual rather than a cheat, I have decided to let him be innocent unless proven guilty. These are all conscious decisions with all the facts leering at me.
Either way, the kids and I don’t need a broken unsure him. We want a strong husband, father, a respectable family man. What he has in us is what most people would kill for. Good incomes, healthy adorable children, a beautiful, loyal, intelligent wife (oh ya I have always been out of his league had forgotten it with self pity last few months), a great home
All in all a piece of heaven, if he has decided it’s not for him then we will carry on with our summer picnic until he gets back to his senses. Even today I still want him back and always intend to.
But for now like you folks point out , I am letting him go live his fantasy and realize what he has lost. The way back home will be paved but there will be self improvement speed bumps for both of us to get back to a healthier place
Great attitude Arshi. Never let yourself, for one second believe that he can do better than what he already has with you. It's hard to maintain that self-esteem in these situations, but you sound like you are staying strong.
Arsh, I don't think we're allowed to post links here but I finally found one fairly legitimate-looking website that says "Research suggests that 82% of people experiencing a crisis during midlife regret divorcing and leaving their families based on irrational thinking about what their life is like at midlife." There are no citations for the 'research' so we don't know how it was conducted or whether it's valid, but that's at least some kind of statistic.. A lot of people here sound like they don't want their spouses back after this has gone on long enough, but if you still want yours back, it sounds like there's a high chance you'll have this opportunity. Perhaps that helps just a little.
Nicole good stuff. I also read an article similar today from a religious group with Focus and Family
in the name. It was 7 regrets about D.
I haven't met a D'd person that didn't have regrets. Except those that were in abusive relationships.
Arsh, the good thing is there appears to be total consensus on this forum that your husband isn't leaving because you were too controlling or because you didn't support him enough while he was depressed.
Arsh, I missed the fact that your husband was depressed. My W also suffered depression, so I bought "Depression for Dummies" or one of the similar books. Something that still sticks with me is that something like 95% of marriages where one person is depressed end in divorce. Some because the non depressed spouse can't take it anymore and says "I quit," but about half because when the depressed spouse improves, they feel like their spouse didn't support them adequately, and don't feel like they can rely upon them in the future
The latter is what happened, partially, to my marriage. But it's not fair. You and I handled it the very best we could. The very best we could. Personally, I think my W's expectations were wildly unrealistic.
But none of that matters. You could have been a paragon of "wifeness", but he probably just couldn't see it through the lens of his depression.
I guess what I'm saying is, yes, some of it is probably on you. But a lot of it is on his perception of you, and you can't change that overnight. Give him time, give him space, and hopefully he'll return, physically and emotionally.
DB, thanks. I write and voice out these things to make myself believe in it, there are times the same day where I am miserable too.
Nicole and Steve, thanks I am looking up both articles to read.
Jim, thanks. yes one of his major complaints is I was not emotionally supportive thru his depression when I was pregnant last year. A lot of this is on me, as an adult half of it is my responsibility and I should look into fixing what I have failed at. I strongly do believe he will get back, I do not know when and I am not planning D items based on this belief for whenever he returns it will have to be a fresh start between two better people. Until then, my children need me and I need them more.
He is buying crazy number of toys and clothes for kids to keep at his new place, keeps asking me for their size and other questions about household stuff. I have stayed to the point and answered just the questions
This morning D3 discovered a box full of toys meant for her that he plans to open at his new place, she insisted on having them. H lost his temper at me because he didn’t know how to handle the question and I think I blew it too, but most of this not In Front of D3
H - why are you f***ing with me showing her these things
I - she followed me and found them herself I am not f**ing with you
H- I am struggling here and you are pissing on my parade making things harder
I - I am not , this is all your game, your way, not anybody else’s
H - I am done arguing with you it’s beyond that point
I left room stayed away for 30 mins calmed down and went back in and things got back to normal. The normal being bare minimum convo, I happy with kids and he doing his own stuff.
Why does he want my opinion on things he buys for his house? Is it pouring salt in the wounds on purpose?
He Is still good with kids, spends good amount of time and handles them well.
How is he expecting to see them only for couple of days a week soon? How will he be emotionally ok with that? It is like twisting a knife in my heart when I think about those times that D3 will miss him and cry for him
It is very hard to see there is a better ending to all this
I do not think he will just stop coming home once he moves out. He will drop in often I think but well no telling with him. Either way I am not going to allow cake eating, it’s either with family or his single dad and bachelor life. The decision is his, the choice to stay strict with it is mine
God I need strength!!
When and if WH moves out then you are entitled to your space, your home as yours.
You don't go to his sandbox and he stays out of yours.
Hugs dear one
V
How is he expecting to see them only for couple of days a week soon? How will he be emotionally ok with that? It is like twisting a knife in my heart when I think about those times that D3 will miss him and cry for him
Arshi- this is a tough one even for my sitch with S15. To know at one point that your spouse help create and bring this individual into the world to nurture and love only to now turn their backs and only focus on their own needs. It makes us all wonder. For my sitch my W in over 2 months that she has gone has seen my son a total of 3 hrs. I know she is reaching out to him via text but if it were me- to not know what my dear son was doing would kill me. She has yet to ask me for an update. As you know I will not initiate contact. My feeling is once a parent has a child-they can longer play the "poor me - my feelings before my child " card. Unfortunately when they walk away from the relationship all they are worried about are themselves. As always - stay calm , focused and confident with your priorities in check. Blessings!
Arsh, when does your husband actually move out? It seems at this point it's best just to countdown. It sounds like these temper outbursts will keep happening until he's gone. That's really bad.
When you talk about seeing the kids a couple days do you mean like two days in a row? He probably has enough to look forward to on the other days that it's worth it for him to see them only on those two days or whatever. Or like you say, he still thinks he can just drop by every day to see them so he doesn't mind how many days they actually stay with him. It's good if you're strict and don't let him keep coming over because it'll hurt your progress and make it harder for you to recover. Nothing your husband has been doing, or plans to do, takes your feelings and welfare into account. And if your husband thinks he's being a good dad by buying toys to keep at his new house, he's not. Being a good dad is trying to fix the problems and stay with his family. What he's doing is selfish and cruel.
I feel terrible for your kids just as I feel sad for my daughter. We can only hope your husband will wake up in a year, come back begging for your forgiveness and ready to change, you'll take him back under strict circumstances, and your daughters will never, ever even know or remember that this happened.
Just dropping by to give an update, I have been reading a lot havent had the heart to post anything. I read all of BluWave's threads again, I find it very helpful. I read all of Sandi's wayward threads, although it is for WW I could find a lot of things applicable to my sitch, I am quite certain H is WH so far no proof of A.
He has been buying stuff for his new apartment, his behavior is actually quite amicable. He slipped in 'honey' 'baby' and other monikers but I felt it was emotionless and just manipulative at this time. I neglected them. I have been minding my own business, I have actually become a pro at avoiding him, not making convos, being just with kids even when he is around and overall just making practical arrangements of what I will need from next week when he moves out.
I dont cry at every thought anymore, I am more involved at work and able to focus on just myself and the kids, so some wins there.
Last week I came across an old T shirt of his, from days when our MR was at its zenith, perfect frequency and harmony and I cried holding it. I grieved for the MR that it could be for decades to come, I mourned for the companion and soul mate I thought I had and have lost. This person is not the one I loved unconditionally, I have made mistakes, bitter tongue being the biggest of them but this inferno is not the just punishment for it. Well this pity session lasted for about 30 mins and the rest of the days I have finally found my anger. seeing how cruel it is to BD your W of 10 years when she has a nursing infant of 10 weeks, how heartless it is to consider breaking up a family of such beautiful children.
My big realization, I deserve better, my children deserve better. We want him, but the better him, the one that can earn his place back.
It has taken me 5 months to get to this place and boy did I fail so miserably the first few months. It is a leap for me though, from contemplating killing myself 4 months ago to knowing I will be okay and my children will flourish with just I raising them is a milestone.
Like most LBS I play a million what if scenarios for when he comes back. Yes, I also believe it is a When, I know I should not count on it but well sometimes your heart just knows. May be I am ready for a 2x4 here but I do feel, we, the children and I are too good for anyone to just lose. For you see, I know we are perfect, I have my flaws that I am working on but looking at the general public out there, we are golden. Well, that is enough self pep talk, back to being humble.
The dynamics are shifting I think, maybe he sees that I have let go a bit, maybe he is planning his next move, either way there is at least peace now. In the meantime, I have found my lost backbone too, it was bent and now I am back baby, bring the verbal attacks on, I will smile and walk out.
On the mediation front, the document was supposed to be sent 10 days ago, no news. I know better than to think he has stopped the process. There was a clause he wanted to add and I said No so he is planning his next option.
I continue being the light house, I feel more like it also, just installed a dimmer on the lights this week though, keeping it dim for now so we both have time to learn from our mistakes. I will keep adjusting the dimmer based on the progress I see.
As always thank you for reading, my DB family you give me strength and hope, I wish I had people in real life I could be so open with.
Welcome back Arshi,
He slipped in 'honey' 'baby' and other monikers but I felt it was emotionless and just manipulative at this time.
This shows growth in detachment where what he says good or bad had little effect on you. Good Job!
Well this pity session lasted for about 30 mins and the rest of the days I have finally found my anger.
It is good to let go off that emotion now use this anger to fuel something great!!
My big realization, I deserve better, my children deserve better. We want him, but the better him, the one that can earn his place back.
We all need self reflection to better ourselves but we also need to realize that we too deserve much greater things that the WAS was giving us. Let us remember this should we decide to move forward with a R with or without WAS.
Arshi- you have done one heck of a job keeping it together. The road will not be easy but the rewards at the end will be abundant. I continue to pray for you and your family. Stay strong! Blessings!
We all need self reflection to better ourselves but we also need to realize that we too deserve much greater things that the WAS was giving us. Let us remember this should we decide to move forward with a R with or without WAS.
I should have typed- we too deserve much greater things the WAS was NOT giving us.
Arsh,
It is good to hear from you again. I understand about not having the heart to post for a while, I have felt like that a lot myself. I have to say that you strike me as a beacon of strength in how well you have handled a nearly unbearable situation. Don't beat yourself up about any mistakes you made along the way - you have done an incredible job surviving and eventually thriving under horrible conditions. Celebrate the progress you have made.
It's also great to hear that you are allowing yourself to feel your emotions and let them out without getting consumed by them. That is so hard for me.
You do deserve better. Maybe it is with your WH if he comes around, maybe it is a new relationship. Whatever form it comes in, I am confident it will come to you.
take care of yourself
Thanks LW and Davide, well it is a roller coaster right.
Today I was on a play date for D3 and my friend kept asking me where H was, there are a lot of couple friends we used to meet and from last 6 months only I show up. Initially everyone thought it must be hectic with the baby but now people have their doubts. I cant even share the pain, I am a very private person by nature. She told me her dad was sick and in the hospital and I cried like a fool, I dont know what happened I just lost it. I havent done this in the last 2 months. Soon after BD, I have behaved pathetically, cried in public places, had to run out of meetings at work, been held by stranger in a public restroom because I was weeping uncontrollably but have been able to hold myself in the last 2 months and only cried in the shower or bedroom. My friend didnt know why I was weeping for her father being sick and was telling me she is sure he will be better. Gosh I am going bonkers.
H is calm, our interactions minimal, no arguments of any kind. The fact that he will be moving out soon is bothering me. I will never stop him, my head knows it is for the better, distance and time will bring him perspective and give me space to heal, but my heart weeps. I packed my life in suitcases and followed H half way across the world leaving all friends and family behind. To build a life from scratch to make something of our own. 10 years later he is walking out after having 2 children. My only guarantee in life was him, my life with him, it was not meant to be this way especially for my children.
I am not prepared to see my children miss their father for most of the week, I am not prepared to tell D3 why her daddy will not come home everyday from next week. I am overwhelmed with the responsibilities of 2 small children, a full time job and maintaining the MH.
I need him out like yesterday and I dont want him to go. God give me strength. My daughters need me and I will save this for them some day.
Arsh, maybe 'someday' is a key word to focus on. Nothing sounds like it'll be good in the short-term. It'll be hard for you and your daughters. Trust me it was terrible when my husband left again last summer and our daughter didn't understand why we moved and he wasn't there and he'd come and leave and I was crying and she'd be crying as he left and yet he still did it anyway. Kids do adapt to change but the bigger concern is how it'll affect them when they're older and better understand what happened. If your husband comes back in the next few years this should have minimal impact on your daughters when they get older if the marriage is totally rebuilt and becomes stable again. And if you and your husband carve out an amicable relationship even if you stay divorced it seems that will help your daughters a lot. There are a lot of good things that could happen someday....hope is sometimes the only thing that can help us survive the misery we feel right now.
I know what your going through... someone says a little thing and you break down and are a total mess.
I've been there too. Picture a big burly guy bawling at a grocery store. Cause he and his 2 daughters had a routine. They got free cookies and we visited the next door pet store (aka the free zoo
). Now your there by yourself.
Its the little things you miss.
But it does slowly get better. You become more focused and in the moment when you are around them.
Your spouse will prob experience this too. Might help you both.
Live in the moment.
Wow Arsh, just got caught up.
I think you're doing all the right things, but I feel for you because this is still painful. I am always there, walking with pain I never had. You always 1 story away from hearing just a little too much, and losing it! I hate that, but it's getting better for me and it will for you too.
You have those 2 girls to live for, don't ever forget that you still have blessings!
I would forget all about that t shirt, get rid of it, whatever you have to do.
And the next time he calls you baby, you don't have to say anything, but maybe just give him the "WTF" look. At least I'd have a hard time not doing that.
Thanks Nicole, cdn and ovrrnbw for your support
This week and next SIL is at home. I have mentioned how SIL has lived with us in the past and it did not go well, she moved back in again over a year ago and despite my protests H made her live with us and this was a huge stressor for my sitch, I nagged and he distanced himself. Now they are moving out together , leaving his wife and kids and setting up a place to support sis. She travels for most weeks so it has not been that bad but the next 2 weeks she is at home mostly to help pack and move out
They keep discussing how to set up and what to buy for their new place right in front of me all the time. So I have decided to just stay out of the house for most of this week. I was getting ready to leave when H said he is busy with something. I just responded that I was going out too and the both of them can feed the kids and get them to bed. He must have been irritated just said OK. The older me would never leave the kids with them and GAL, but hey I have kids all the time so it’s me time for a change especially when he has his dear sis to help.
I worked out at the gym until I felt dizzy, will stay for bit longer and go home. I will be sure to thank them for watching the kids, he may read sarcasm in it but I will be genuine
There is hardly any convo between H and I, I follow the rules and don’t initiate neither does he. I am not able to evaluate if I need to change this in any way
My attitude might even feel aloof with no convos
I feel like he is not even remotely attracted to me anymore, nothing I can do about it to change him anyway
I make sure to dress well and look pretty, I know I don’t lack pretty, god only knows when he stopped seeing it
On the plus side watched a tedtalk from Guy Winch on how to mend a broken heart, I highly recommend it for those of you who have not seen it yet
The next few weeks will be really hard so I am trying to stay strong as much as I can
Keep me and my children in your prayers
Hi Arsh, that is so incredibly thoughtless for them to be discussing things like that, like theyre decorating their new dorm room or something. So insensitive and delusional for a grown man with children to treat this situation as anything other than difficult if for no other reason than the children. He truly is deluded and I hope for your familys sake that it is temporary and that reality hits hard once the newness of this little adventure wears off. Bc the newness surely will wear off.
Good for you for refusing to let them do it in front of you. Glad you got in some physical activity, it always helps to shake things off. Hugs.
Arsh, it's sad to hear you need to be subjected to that kind of talk. It's also unfortunate your sister-in-law, as a fellow woman, doesn't show sensitivity and has lived in your house with your family and doesn't show the respect you deserve. It's good you went to the gym to get out-of-the-house. My husband's brother lived with us for a few months once and it was terrible. I don't know how you've managed it all this time! It seems at a minimum it'll be nice to re-claim your house for yourself and your daughters.
When listening to your husband and SIL talk about their new space you almost have to recite a passage from the Christian bible. Jesus said "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do." That captures what appears to be happening with your husband and SIL with their cruel actions. They are acting foolish and don't realize what they're doing. You can wish evil upon them or you can wish for forgiveness for their foolish ways.
When are they actually moving out? It seems this process is taking a long time. When my husband moved out the first time he packed up and was gone within one day. You're enduring a lot of additional suffering as they slowly pack and plan their move. I hope it happens soon.
Arsh I do believe your situation will get better soon. Your husband appears to hold a lot of resentment against you and he appears to enjoy making you suffer as a way of getting back at you. Once he's gone he'll lose that control over you and the whole situation. The dynamic will change. At some point your husband will realize he got what he wants and then what? I believe then he'll start to reflect on everything. Even then he may want to relish in his freedom and enjoy his new life for a while, but slowly he'll start to feel the loss of his family, he'll miss the comfort of home, he'll be hit with the stigma of being a divorced man in your culture, he'll discover the burden of caring for the children alone when you're not there, and he'll come to the realization that he can't just stop by your house every day (if you make it clear he's not allowed in). He'll be a lot more humble as he goes through this whole process. If you can just hang on and keep doing what you're doing it just has to get better soon.
Thanks Helena, it’s very immature of him. He knows it will bother me so he is doing this to just inflict pain, not actions of a responsible adult. The whole drama has been childish in so many ways and I am struggling to be patient.
Nicole, all my in laws who originally were with me turned against me soon enough and their betrayal is no less than WH. SIL has decided to side with her brother, maybe she thinks zero cost of living requires that in return? Who knows what they think. It’s like the whole family has got wayward syndrome
I stopped speaking to them once I realized they are causing me more suffering by being enablers
I also think i channel my anger towards them instead of WH to somehow not build resentment against him. It’s all twisted
They should move out in the next few days, I think moving out with a bag like your WH is more common. What my H is doing is full of uncertainty and deliberation leading to more confusion
Arsh, it's hard to know what your husband said about you to his whole family. Probably some true and some untrue things, but I'm sure it was spun in a way to convince them he's the victim and has to leave which of course is so unfair. The betrayal of the whole family must be devastating, especially as your children are caught in between. I still hope this is temporary. Your message reminds me of the last major issue I'm dealing with and would like your input - I'll post it on my thread later so I don't hijack yours.
Arsh are you still seeing your counselor? If so, I'm curious to know what he or she says and suggests at this time.
As you, your husband and SIL all surely know, it's a bit odd that adult siblings would live together.
I would remember that when you try to detach and the positive thing there is that you aren't living with your SIL!!!
No need for you to be immature, people will see things like this for what they are.
Your H is not exactly stable so you have to accept that you aren't going to "fix" it or him maybe at all. If it does happen, it will take time.
arrggh it hurts so much, I thought I had it together. that I was prepared but seeing it actually happen is living your worst nightmares. WH is moving out over the next few days starting today. SIL and he are packing and moving, really feel like the LBS now. How can anyone do this to their children? D3 will have her world shattered, i have to bear witness to her pain. I am DBing as if my life depended on it, I have GALd this entire week leaving kids at home with WH and SIL (he was angry that it did not give him a chance to pack), today morning while they packed I dressed well, looked pretty, was upbeat and cordial with WH and laughing with kids and dropped them off at school with extra hugs and kisses. Once i got alone in the car the dam broke and I cried.
A friend of mine thinks I should talk to WH and tell him to not leave us. I know that he will not change his mind, but she thinks it at least will let him know that I think he is wrong to walk out on us, even though he plans on having children with him for couple of days a week. I have not asked him move out, so I should not ask him to run away from his family, am I wrong? Should I at least express a little bit of the anguish I feel inside instead of making it seem as if we cannot wait for him to move by being so upbeat?
I still cannot believe this is happening, I did everything right in life, I studied hard, earned my undergrad and Masters in the technical field, landed a good job and worked my way up. Had 2 lovely children when we felt we were off student loans and financially stable, finally when things were to be on auto pilot he backs out. While my head knows if there is a chance of R, he needs his space to look within but my heart weeps for the loss.
Well, now is the true test, I at least need to see him be a decent father and not abandon kids all together for me to have any respect for him. Once he leaves, the doors are only slightly ajar, he needs to earn his way back in. I hope god gives me the strength.
Hang in there Arsh. This is surely one of the toughest times that you will have to endure, but there is light at the other end of the tunnel.
It sounds like you are doing everything right with the GAL and allowing yourself to break down but in private. Don't change now. Keep up the DBing. Do you really think that he doesn't know that you want him to stay or that his actions are hurting you? If you share your anguish you are doing it to try to control him, to guilt him into staying - that just doesn't work. You are on the best path for yourself and your family. Don't doubt it now.
Do not talk to him. It will do no good. It can only do harm.
The thing is he knows you are anguished. He knew that talking about leaving hurt you and actually leaving hurts you. Showing it, telling him it hurts, etc won't matter because he has already come to terms with the idea that he had to hurt you in order to do what he wants to do.
We LBSs think we can always reason with our WASs. But we cannot. No amount of begging, pleading, reasoning, trying to show them the hurt they are causing, or any other words will bring them back. Or make them stay. Or give them a change of heart.
That is why DBing is the only hope. He EXPECTS you to beg him to stay. When you do not it will plant a seed in his mind. "Why isn't she more upset? Why didn't she beg me to stay? Why is she suddenly okay with my leaving?" Those seeds of curiosity are your friends. Those are the things that make him become interested. Even if only at first if it is to try to figure out why you behaved differently than he expected. Interest in figuring that out can grow into other interests. And once he starts getting interested again in you and your life without him, that is when he might come around to missing what he once had and wanting to do the work to come back.
You have to let him go to get him back.
Arshi, I just got caught up with your sitch. I'm soo sorry you have to endure so much pain thru this time. Having lived this scenario where my W just moved our almost 3 months ago i feel as a part of me left with her. To this day- although it is a little easier- I still struggle with hopes of my restored family. My S is away for the week so I just try to keep my hours occupied. In the days following H departure my suggestion is to set up a exercise routine. From my own experience I can tell you not only does it positively effects you because you are taking time to take care of yourself while excreting endorphins (making you feel good). As your journey continues you will feel better overall and the added bonus is others will see that too. I still get compliments on how I've lost 60 lbs. It makes me feel good and boosts my ego which we all need. On days you don't feel like exercising give your self an added push to get thru these bumps. it will pay off in the end. You've come this far- Stay strong . my prayers are with you and your family. Blessings!
Thank you Davide, Steve and LW for your support and confirming that I should not stop him. And truthfully, I do not want to, I want him to go. The very fact that a grown man wants to live away from his W and 2 small kids is repulsive and reeks of immaturity. What he has on the other side I do not know, sometimes I still analyze but most time I know it does not matter. I have a very busy life ahead, working a full time job, raising 2 small kids, managing MH and all finances and making sure I am the best mom should hopefully leave me no time to worry.
I am letting him go, quiet, patient and upbeat. There is all the time in the world, nothing needs to happen right now, things will unfold as they are supposed to. I went to the temple this week and cried, and told myself we are all playing our roles in the story that God has destined us to live in. It will always turn out well, all you need is faith.
Thanks for reading, I will continue venting here and showing WH only the happy me.
Arsh, my dear, please listen (read) carefully. I have been following posters here for several years now, and while I am no expert, I do have a strong sense about people. I am very impressed by your strength, courage, and vulnerability, and I think you are going to be fine, and perhaps even better, as time passes. You are a fighter and quite resilient, given your difficult circumstances. It is obvious to anyone reading here. As we navigate the rough terrains in life, we earn more badges of grit and power, which I believe further enables joy and a more genuine life.
This may be the hardest part of your sitch. Please, please give yourself a break. It will not be this way forever. It is perfectly okay to feel sadness and desperation right now. You are only human and this is more than you should have to endure. Your WH (and his family) are acting incredibly selfish and cruel right now. My sense is that he is on a destructive path (wayward or wayward thinking) and he is gathering his own troop of support, and more than likely has lied to them to justify his actions. He may even believe his own lies right now. This is a part of wayward thinking.
I am impressed at how well you are able to follow DB principles. You are doing everything you can right now. You are trying to create some space and take care of yourself, and you are still maintaining a civil relationship with him and not wearing your heart on your sleeve. You may not see it because your emotions are all over the map, but we all see it. You are doing great! Just take it day by day and breath by breath.
I posted today because I wanted to add that you do not have to be perfect. That is just way too much pressure for anyone. There is something called white anger and I would encourage you to let that in. A healthy amount of anger is necessary and it can also fuel some additional strength. You do no have to play nice with WH and SIL and "act perfect" all the time. These are just guidelines. He is being a royal A-Hole and abandoning his W and family. Doesn't that warrant some anger? I am not advising you fly off the handle or break the rules, by I am encouraging you to invite those feelings in.
I had a lot of anger when my H did what he did. Off the charts anger. There were many times it served me well. He also saw that I am a strong woman that knows my worth. When my H realized I was not sitting at home and crying, and waiting for him, he learned to respect me even more. A wayward will not run home to a doormat, someone with low self esteem, or if they think they can chit all over your life and just walk back in. Think about it for a moment ...
I see you as a very strong woman and your WH as a complete fool. I also do believe people can change. You will get through this difficult time. I believe in you. Keep holding your head up higher and higher, keep taking care of yourself and the beautiful girls, and just imagine a wonderful life without him. You can have that, you know. You do not actually need him at all. Please remember that this is HIS loss, not yours. When you are safe, or with your safe people, invite those feelings in. All of them, including the anger.
Take care,
Blu
Hi Arsh, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. This transition to him moving out isn't easy even if you knew it was coming. It's impossible to avoid that acute severe pain that comes with your husband physically leaving. You've done everything you can do though so there must also be a certain peace you feel about your own actions. Please keep us posted as to how it's going. I'll try to write more later today.
Arsh,
I think anyone in this situation is going to be angry.
I think us LBS's dont really believe its real, till the exit happens.
Stay strong. Its still not over yet.
Take care of you.
Blu, hugs. You don’t know how much your messages mean to me, I find a lot of similarities in our personalities. I have read your threads multiple times and the way your thoughts and values go are very similar to mine. You are on the other side where I can only hope to be so your advise is much appreciated thank you.
I remembered how WH had said early on post BD that I am the most resilient person he knows so he is sure I will bounce back in no time. Wow such confidence in the W he is walking out on.
Nicole, I know how busy you are to take time and give me strength is so kind of you.
Cdn, thanks for your support
I am a waking emotional explosive today. I have such rage this morning I could murder someone, on top of it to actually not vent it to WH or SIL is a burden. They are still moving don’t understand why it can’t be done already and just be gone. I was rude to SIL yesterday, she was showing affection to D3 seemed so fake seeing how she is enabling breaking our home so I snapped. I told her to leave and just be in her room as long as I am downstairs and come back when I am gone. Very petty of me I know, but I couldn’t stand her. she will now snitch to dear bro but I don’t give a fudge.
I have been passive aggressive with her in the past year and that is one of Hs complaint. He knew I didn’t want her living with us and still did nothing about it, I nagged him and was rude to her. Post BD I wanted to set it right so I went and sincerely apologized to her, I said I should have been more civil and I was ashamed I was not more mature, she accepted it, but ya I did it more to please WH. WH and I got her into a college, paid her fees which she still owes, housed her without a penny in return, got her a job with reference and this is how she repays
But I know the anger towards her is meaningless, if he wasn’t wayward she would be normal and stay within limits
I don’t know how to control this anger
Yesterday I GAL’d again leaving kids with WH in the evening. When he came home the kids and I were dancing to I am still standing by Elton John. We were singing looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid when he came home. As painful as it was I was laughing inside to the irony of it all. D3 made him join us, so we all danced together one last time as a family. I couldn’t take it for longer than a minute so I left
This morning I am feeling extremely angry and crazy depressed. WH has no idea how I feel, I have shut him out, he doesn’t deserve to know me anymore , I have fired him from that role. He just gets to see the happy me, the fake me, not because DB rules say so but because I don’t show my emotions to strangers.
I don’t know how I will make it through the weekend. I want my life back, I want my family, a happy home for my kids, I want the WH to go and bring back the person I married.
I will vent away here, thanks to my whole DB family for your support
Arshi, Now is the time you need to stay calm , cool and confident. Not just for you but for your kids. It is truly great that among all this turmoil you can still give the kids a memorable moment with- I'm still standing song- Well done. These next days you need to really practice self compassion. Be mindful and kind to yourself. As always my prayers are with you and all the people here. Blessings!
Arshi, it sounds like you are being incredibly strong here - and you need to be for your little ones. This feet dragging your WH is putting you through must be torturous. How are the kids reacting to this theatre? Are you managing to shield them at all or are they full of questions? I am very new to this forum so I cannot offer any advice just yet, I am but a novice in these matters, but I am reading many threads and the devastation these selfish people cause to lives is just awful. What I am finding is allowing yourself to feel how you feel is good, then push it away and focus the mind on the next task at hand. Every day get a tiny bit easier. Doesn't it help being among others in the same boat?
Thanks LW and UK
I am keeping D3 out of home as much as I can but she has ton of questions but I am shielding her to the best possible extent.
I have a questions for the vets here, please help. I am not looking for an excuse to begin pursuing, I am done with that chapter but just trying to understand WHs psyche ( V, I hear you saying no reasoning there scrambled eggs for brains lol)
When WH started shutting down on me pre BD I confronted him and asked why he was doing that. I said no body with any self respect should stand for this kind of treatment and he was vague with answers. Post BD I got desperate and started pleading. He brought up post BD that my original response was about self respect, that shows how egotistic, self centered and selfish I was and how he has suffered with such a person. He also said after that I started my begging but my first reaction showed my true colors.
I know begging didn’t help, neither has my detaching since he is moving out.
Could it be that my strength and resilience shows him that I don’t want him and he needs to feel wanted by words and action?
I am not changing my current behavior though, I don’t want to tie someone down. I cannot shackle a person who walks out of MR.
my mind runs crazy so just some questions that rumination brought forth today
Could it be that my strength and resilience shows him that I don’t want him and he needs to feel wanted by words and action?
No, your strength and resilience show him that you will be FINE without him. See the difference? Look, he is going to blame you, no matter what you do. If you begged and pleaded at first he'd fine something else to nitpick. You are falling for the classic LBS trap: you are believing what he says. You can't do that. The WAS RARELY ever says the truth. The truth is he is walking away for selfish reasons. He blames you for it to ease his own guilt.
DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT! In the scenario that you would have begged and pleaded right from the beginning, he would have said that your clingy-ness was smothering him and he just had to get out.
Excuses are like noses, everyone has one. He would have found an excuse even if you were the perfect spouse.
Steve85, you seem very wise. What you say here is what I am beginning to realise. Arsh, stick with the plan, sounds like your doing just fine.
Arsh, Steve used an important phrase - 'selfish reasons.' Your husband chose to act based on selfish desires. You've probably done some selfish things in the past that upset him but we all do those things. It took a much greater degree of selfishness for him to walk out-of-the-marriage without regard to your feelings or those of your children. You can be sorry for your own selfish actions and he should be sorry for his - then you two could reconcile like normal married people. But no, instead of doing that your husband blamed you, didn't take responsibility for his own failures, and selfishly left. It's the saddest thing when someone tries to blame someone else for their selfishness. Anyway It seems asking him one last time to stay or talking to him at all wouldn't be helpful at this time. The maximum I'd consider, which is probably wrong and too much as well, would be an apology for anything you've done that you know really hurt him. I hope you make it through this weekend with your daughters. This is a brief period of your life but I'm sure you'll always remember these few days and how you felt for the rest of your life.
Steve, UK and Nicole thanks for the sane advice. and support.
UK, yes, Steve is wise, he generally is a good reality check when you feel trapped in LBS land. I have learnt that months ago.
I survived the first S weekend. It was more like a beta release though, WH was home half the time.
So Saturday the plan was for me to have both kids until evening and I had plans with D3 in the evening that I could not bring baby to. WH calls half hour before we are supposed to leave and says he cannot take baby as he still has things to set up in his apartment and he will take kids off of my hands on Sunday. I got angry on the phone and said we had discussed this and I had made plans for D3 for weeks so he offered to come late and take baby and said anyway technically it was my day to handle kids. So i said I can manage and that there was no point in us arguing. Got baby and D3 ready, loaded all food and supplies and took them out. Gosh is it hard to manage 2 small kids at a public event. We stayed for 2 hours instead of the planned 5 hours, by the end of which both were crying and I was a spectacle with families pitifully staring at my plight. But D3 did have fun for most part. A few acquaintances offered help, strangers showed kindness. On the way back home I felt overwhelmed and cried while talking to a friend on the phone. Since D3 started worrying I cut the call and concentrated on her instead. At home I fed them and got them to bed with stories and cuddles. WH did not come home for the first time.
The next day he came early in the AM, picked the kids up and took them to his house. He specially has started using his house and my house in his convos. I helped him get the kids ready, told him I understand he is under a lot of pressure that kids may not get adjusted to his new place and that I suggest he bring some familiar toys to ease them into it. He said he already has duplicates of those and had thought of it himself, I just was quiet and cordial for most part. While the kids left though, I teared up, I knew it was only for the day and he had said he would bring them back home at night but the significance of it saddened me. Once they left, i called my parents had a pity party, watched some TV and completed the prep work for baby and D3 lunches for the upcoming week (Yes, I am one of those mommies who has to give them homemade food, no pouches or store bought preservative filled foods for either of them and I am proud of it).
I got dressed and went to the movies. Got myself a huge popcorn and drink and enjoyed the movie (argh, no pop corn for one more month). WH sent pics of kids having fun so I got back to car and cried because I missed them. After a bit, dried my tears, put some makeup on and went back to watch another movie to drown my pain with some of Tom Cruise's noise and action. WH called multiple times because he had got back home. I texted saying unless its urgent I cannot pick up as I am at the movies. I wanted to still make most of the day and see the kids so I got back home to a not so happy WH and got both of them to bed telling them how much I missed them and getting extra hugs.
So yes, I survived and realized I can do this. 2 days a week is actually time I need to get my ducks in a row and prep for the days the kids are with me. I am no close to saving MR than I was at BD but I have a better handle on my own life since I know I am my own best help. I have never watched a movie by myself let alone two, and well if the MR was good I dont think I could be able to leave the kids and binge on movies. I have child care arranged for a few days of the week to help me in the evenings. I am overwhelmed, crying, confident-like, angry all in matter of minutes but I am still standing. And I enjoy every minute with my children, if I get stressed and get angry at them, D3 points out it is not nice to be angry and makes me say sorry lol. WH as usual is aloof and when I saw him texting on his phone non stop I wanted to bang his head with a pan I had with me in the kitchen but I did shirshasana (yoga pose standing up on head literally) instead. I have decided to take either kick boxing or some other self defense class where I actually can vent out, I would love the release of some negative energy.
Arsh, I'm glad to hear you made it through the first weekend. I really want to see "Mama Mia! Here We Go Again."
I have trouble going out with one child many times. It takes nearly an hour to prepare everything and when we get back we're both tired and I have to put everything away and keep going with no break. Being a single parent is so hard. If you have child care to help on some evenings that'll probably save you. And that's good you can use the time when your daughters are with your husband each week to prepare everything for the following week. I also make everything homemade and I discovered my posture is becoming bad from bending forward all the time cooking and cleaning....I guess exercise and remembering to stand straight can help with that.
What's the status of the divorce papers? Are you waiting for them to be ready to sign? It'd be nice if your husband would realize that's not what he wants before the divorce is finalized but I guess that's unrealistic to expect. It's so great though how so many places require six or twelve months of separation before divorce papers can be filed. I wish that was the case everywhere.
It's normal to have so many emotions at once. You're doing everything right but that doesn't take away the pain or the shock of all this happening so fast.
What did your older daughter have to say about her day with her dad? Does she seem to be adapting ok? Will he always bring them back to sleep at your place or will they sleep at his place one night a week? I hope they adapt well and with their innocence don't even realize what's happening.
Nicole, no news on the D proceedings. We went to mediator, finalized all terms, she was supposed to send draft in a week, that was 3 weeks ago. WH was adamant on moving to another state post D and I did not relent, that kind of put a wrench in his plans. Clearly he has asked the mediator to hold off for the time being and decided to move out instead. I havent followed up with the mediator either, because well I dont want a D at all. If he moves out of state to the other coast then obviously he cannot have the kids which probably is his only pain point at this time. So he has told me he would still move but if I do not, then I am responsible for kids not having a father, well genius, after 6 months of course I know even this would be my fault. I know he is not reconsidering D, he is just either making peace of not having kids/not moving himself or planning his next attack. He has broken the family, taken my children that includes a nursing infant away from me for 2 days and 2 nights a week, a legal paper doesnt make a difference at this point I suppose.
Today is the first night my children are away from me, a piece of my heart, my soul is not with me. I was driving back home from work and saw WH and D3 walking to pick up the baby from her daycare. My lil D3 was skipping along, with her dolly in her hand. I was across the street driving, I could see her but I knew she was not mine today. I cant hold her, touch her, hug her. What life is this for a mother? I am pumping milk while my baby is away feeding from a bottle, I am sitting alone while I should be cuddling my D3 instead. My loss as a mother is so much more than my loss as a W.
So he has told me he would still move but if I do not, then I am responsible for kids not having a father, well genius, after 6 months of course I know even this would be my fault.
Today is the first night my children are away from me, a piece of my heart, my soul is not with me.
Please please reassure me that the first sentence is a typo on your part. YOU are NOT responsible for your kids not having a father. That is on him.
I think all of us feel your pain regarding the kids. I am so sorry you have to go through this.
The way I read that is that she is stating what her WAH is saying, i.e. that is his opinion of the sitch, not hers.
Of course, it is all on him.
Jim and Davide thank you.
Sorry it was not clear the way I wrote it. Yes WH is blaming me that him moving away and kids losing father if it comes to that will be on me as well. But I am done buying his BS, god knows what is on his mind. The real test as single parents has just started so I am going to let it play out.
I did not sleep a wink yesterday night, as usual with an infant I only get 4-5 hours of sleep for last few months but yesterday I was alone without the kids and couldn’t sleep. They say when you die your whole life flashes in front of your eyes, it is kind of what happened to me yesterday, only the true meaning of the death of my MR played out. I crossed the pearly gates not guilty, I have mistakes and I have repents but I am not responsible for this demise. I know I should fight more for the MR but I am way too hurt and exhausted. He has separated a mother from her little children that is an unpardonable offence. He has taken away their family.
He can put the D on hold or proceed, he can live his bachelor life he is free. I do not need him anymore, my H was dead at BD , I was grieving his loss and I am done. All that matters is the kids and me. I deserve better.
My life is crazy heactic raising a toddler and infant for 5 days and 2 days of emptiness without them. I have to get adjusted to that.
I feel like I am giving up on the MR, I will never file but I am done with this wayward man child.
Do what works for just myself and the kids.
I will use the forum to vent out for I feel only my fellow DBers can understand this true pain
Hi Arsh, I'm sorry I wasn't able to respond earlier. I feel so, so, so sad for you spending that night alone. I feel worse for you than I ever felt for myself just because I couldn't live if my daughter had to stay somewhere else when she was an infant. I wouldn't have had the strength to voluntarily let anyone else take her away for even one night. I don't know how you managed to do it. Do you legally have to let your daughters go before the divorce is final? It seems cruel to your infant to be away from you. No one can explain to an infant what's happening. It seems like your husband should be able to take your older daughter and leave the infant with you at least until she stops nursing. That's just such a horrible thing to separate a mother and baby. I hope you got your angels back and have the next to you now. I'm so sorry again.
NIcole, I hurts me to defend him, but he has as much right to see and spend time with his kids. This is all his doing, and he's a .... well, let's say they will censor what I want to call him.... but I'm pretty sure a domestic relations court will rule that he has a right to 50/50 custody unless Arshi can show cause.
Arshi, that isn't to say I know how you feel and cry for you. I miss my kids every time they leave.
Nicole and Jim, thank you. Yes it is the worst possible pain, labor was easy compared to this.
Nicole, I am not legally required to do anything. He has hardly bonded with the baby so I want to make sure she gets the attention from her father. He would prefer to only take D3 maybe but I stand firm that I will NOT separate my daughters. Its hell for me to stay away, easier if I kept baby with me but the 2 sisters are the only stability they have right now. I neither want D3 to feel I am giving her away for sometime while I hold on to the baby nor do I want the baby to feel only D3 gets time with her father. I am not doing any of this based on what he feels, his rights or give a rat's @$$ about anything to do with him (sorry I am one angry person as a single parent). WH and I are adults and we should manage pain, my only look out is for my kids and I decided it is best for them to not separate at all, each other will bring consistency to their otherwise nomadic life.
Sorry my friends, I have not been able to post much on any of your threads, I will find time to do soon, please know you are in my prayers.
I have been a single parent for past few days, working a full time job and managing solo, its been physically and emotionally exhausting, the kids wake me up multiple times at night. It is hard to go back to sleep because my mind is in turmoil and ugly unwanted thoughts invade my sleep but I am fighting hard. My IQ is probably less than half of what it was 6 months ago, I couldnt figure out a simple computer code yesterday, god knows how much of intellectual abilities I will lose by the end of this. But I am holding up and I am doing fine. Fine is a great place to be for now, I will be great, not just fine, I hope in a few months.
WH asked to spend few hours with kids today evening , I agreed since this is the first week and D3 has been really missing him and crying for him. If he does this every week I will reassess.
I have not initiated any contact, just responded back to texts about kids and their arrangements. The only time I called was to speak to the children when he had them. I actually can do this NC thing very easily.
I have booked a new IC from next week, the old one was not useful. I am still struggling but with WH gone and nobody spewing at me, its much easier. I want to say a million things to him, how wrong he is, what an impostor he is and how cruel this is all but I have kept quiet for all this time and I will continue doing so.
LRT is the only technique I can employ at this time and I am using it. I cry multiple times in a day, get angry, worry, get scared thinking about the future, regret what could have been, then I just get up and do what needs to be done today.
My children only get the best of me though, I am as loving and patient I can be with them. We read over 8 books yesterday and laughed so much. My pain and hurt is only for me, they will not get to see any of it.
Jim and Davide thank you.
Sorry it was not clear the way I wrote it. Yes WH is blaming me that him moving away and kids losing father if it comes to that will be on me as well. But I am done buying his BS, god knows what is on his mind. The real test as single parents has just started so I am going to let it play out.
I did not sleep a wink yesterday night, as usual with an infant I only get 4-5 hours of sleep for last few months but yesterday I was alone without the kids and couldn’t sleep. They say when you die your whole life flashes in front of your eyes, it is kind of what happened to me yesterday, only the true meaning of the death of my MR played out. I crossed the pearly gates not guilty, I have mistakes and I have repents but I am not responsible for this demise. I know I should fight more for the MR but I am way too hurt and exhausted. He has separated a mother from her little children that is an unpardonable offence. He has taken away their family.
He can put the D on hold or proceed, he can live his bachelor life he is free. I do not need him anymore, my H was dead at BD , I was grieving his loss and I am done. All that matters is the kids and me. I deserve better.
My life is crazy heactic raising a toddler and infant for 5 days and 2 days of emptiness without them. I have to get adjusted to that.
I feel like I am giving up on the MR, I will never file but I am done with this wayward man child.
Do what works for just myself and the kids.
I will use the forum to vent out for I feel only my fellow DBers can understand this true pain
I feel so much similar to what you said, except only weaker. And you situation is tougher with your littly baby!
How else do you think you need to fight and stand up for your marriage?
The venting thing is so real. Obviously it's not your fault that your WH moved out, but don't let him pin that on you. He knows! He just doesn't want to accept it. You don't want to perpetuate that false reality. The real world will continue to bite him (and all of us) in the booty.
Hi Arsh, I can see how it would also be hard to separate your daughters. I wish so badly this would be a temporary situation and your husband would wake up and come begging for your forgiveness but just like many of our situations he damage that he's done has already been so severe. It's too late now to go back to how things used to be. I guess that's why everyone says to keep moving forward.
Arshi, no one will separate the children if one parent chooses not to do so.
Regarding your exhaustion, can you maybe get him to take the kids one or two nights during the week? I know you don't want him to have them at all, but he WILL get some custody, and if he has the kids, you will at least be able to have uninterrupted sleep.
Arshi,
I hope this post finds you well- thanks for checking up on me in my thread. It seems that you are facing the hardships of separation head on. I cannot imagine how hard it must be on you that your WH wants to split up your beautiful girls. I hope this is only for a very short period - I hope things will soon settle down for you to a manageable state. Continue to stay strong- stay positive and know I continue to pray for you and your family. Blessings.
Nicole and LW, thanks for the support.
Jim, he does have kids for 2 days a week. and yes I rather him not have them at all but practically I need at least a day to cook, clean, do groceries and get myself ready for the upcoming week since I do work a hectic full time job.
I dont know how to give updates anymore. There is such a dull pulsating pain in me throughout the day. It is mainly because I miss my children when they are with him. It has been about 10 days since he left, it feels like he has been gone way longer actually come to think of it he emotionally was. Good riddance physically now.
Only communication has been texts about children exchanges. It is very hard to manage kids on my own but the worst is the 2 days that they are not with me.
He picked them up on Sunday and I was fuming when he came, hardly spoke. He came back inside after I shut the door to pick up something and saw me crying my eyes out. I just gave a quick reply and walked away. I miss my children sooooo much when they are not with me. I know it is good for my sanity and survival to get a little time off, for self care and sustenance really but the mother in me misses her babies. I really need to GAL and plan the 2 days well to have a better grip on myself and not just do TV marathons.
I have started to wonder if I hate him now, especially because he is snatching my children away from me. I dont feel any love, there is feeling of loss and a heck lot of anger. I wish he did move away to the other coast like he plans and never ever comes back so I dont have to see his face again. My kids will have a great mother and some stability instead of this confusing daddy's home today nonsense. I have come to realize he is a pathetic father, just being a biological father shouldnt grant you anything, you should have to earn it. He broke their home and sees them part time, in what world is he a good dad? I feel guilty though, not because I broke the MR, that's on WH. But how could I love and have children with this irresponsible man child? My daughters deserve so much better and I got them this wayward runaway filth of a father? I do not have any respect for a man who can be cruel to separate 2 babies from their mother, that too a nursing infant. My GOT marathon makes me feel I married Joffrey. Had he murdered me in my sleep that would have been kinder in so many ways. I seem to have gone from this depressed, scared person to a sad, bitter, angry creature.
No word on the mediation paperwork though, he has moved out since then so he has not had a change of heart. I think the financial obligation got him thinking his next move which would benefit him the most. At this point I just dont care, it would be a relief if he just disappeared. All I need is my daughters.
Arsh, I can only say that I'd feel exactly the same as you do. I still don't understand why your daughters have to sleep at his place. Why can't he bring them back at the end of the day? I know he has the right to partial custody but they're so young. Why can't he agree to do what's best for them? Forcing them to sleep in a strange house without their mom is cruel even if he's their father. It seems everyone has to adapt to his preferences which isn't fair. Anyway you already know all that. Currently I'm ok with being friendly with my husband because we're not yet divorced but if we divorce I believe I'll feel the same as you - bitter and angry. I can totally see how you went from depressed to angry. If there's anything you can do to make this situation work more in your daughter's favor before the divorce is final it'd be worth pursuing unless you've already done so.
Hey! How are things? Just checking in. Haven't seen you post in a few days and hope things are okay.
Thanks for checking in Maika. Sorry all, I have not been posting on your own sitches, just gets too painful sometimes.
I have been reading on a lot of other older threads trying to learn, to understand and to make any sense of this madness. Mostly been single parenting and the days that I do not have my babies I am depressed. People around me dont know the storm inside me, they probably figure there is trouble in paradise but would never imagine WH could turn this way. Physical separation is good for me in a way, nobody to talk me down to pull me onto their whirlwind of emotions. But D3 is struggling, she misses her daddy, she does not understand why there is another house for him and why she has to go there some days. She goes for him though, if I say I miss her, she tells me maybe we can all be together. I have set up work and custody arrangements in a way that I at least see them once everyday, to just get my own fill. WH and I see each other a few times a week, for child exchanges and have limited text messages about child care. Absolutely no other talks. He seems to be enjoying his new life, away, not answerable. He is even taking personal trips, I have no idea to where, never in the 10 years of MR has he done this. I trouble my mind wondering if it is a job interview or actually staying over with someone but I know either way I have no control. He has chosen this path. I have not asked him about his trips or anything about his life, it is not a part of mine anymore and I have decided LRT is my path. I need my space, time to try and heal, to plan for a future without him. I cannot look him in the eyes anymore even during child exchanges, I dont know what I feel more now hurt or anger. I cannot think of any reason to want him back for myself, after pondering endlessly I have 2 very compelling strong reasons to not give up on the MR though, it is my 2 daughters. So if I am standing still, enduring and not telling him what I really feel, it is just for my children. All I wanted is a simple life, a happy family for my kids, a loving spouse to grow old with. My dreams have been shattered by the person I thought was my soul mate.
One day at a time, I need to get through this. I thank god I have my daughters, I have a purpose for my life.
The mediator was supposed to send the document for review over a month ago, he has put it on hold, no idea what he is thinking, but physical separation is as good as D at this point.
Any advice on how to go from here? Is it to just live and let him leave/live?
I don't have any advice, but wanted to offer encouragement. You will get through this! It's horrible, it stinks, but you will be strong and take care of yourself and your children!
Physical separation is good for me in a way, nobody to talk me down to pull me onto their whirlwind of emotions. But D3 is struggling, she misses her daddy, she does not understand why there is another house for him and why she has to go there some days.
Arshi - Use this time alone to build something great from within. WH is not around to bring you down so instead try to use this time to bring you up. Try and GAL - do things that make your heart dance. Make it a time where you become the best you for your self and for your daughters. If it is anger or resentment you have use it to fuel you to become someone better- stronger more balanced. In regards to your D3- I feel your pain. As you know, I too wish I could take away the pain from my S. It breaks my heart to no end. Best we can do is to provide a positive stable environment for our kids so they can grow and thrive. Blessings!
You are the lighthouse arsh. Just keep the light shining. Try to transform all that negative energy that you are getting into a positive one. It’s for your own sake. Just move forward, one step then the other. I know it’s hard but you need to do it. You need to have a healthy state of mind. Be proud of who you are and what you are doing.
I was a WH some time ago. Your WH has a variety of roads to choose. It’s hard there too. He should face the inner demons that make him do what he’s doing. It’s up to him and there’s nothing you can do about except keep DBing.
Be strong arsh. Keep shining
(((arsh)))
Arsh I completely relate to much of what you say. My D wishes many times at bed for us to be a family. it is FAR easier to accept the loss of the W/H than it is the loss of the family to D. it is the single most unacceptable part of this life chapter to me. for us who wish to try and keep the family together, it is unfathomable how our W/H can simply walk away. as I've said before it's another way that the WAS pushing the LBS along the road to detachment and strength. problem is that WAS is the only one who can restore that which we most treasure restoring for our Ds, the intact family. such a conflict in us as LBS on that reality.
The personal trips...yep W has taken those. stay completely clueless on all of that. none of the answers to any of ours question are worth knowing. heck give up on even having the questions!
"All I wanted is a simple life, a happy family for my kids, a loving spouse to grow old with. My dreams have been shattered"
AMEN to that Arsh! That is all that so many of us wanted and yet here we are, we didn't choose this life, we can't change this life so all that we can do is make the most of the blessings that we have and go on. Couple of days ago upon waking up my D and bringing her downstairs, in my arms she said "I love sleeping in my big bed". No matter the swirl of all of the big stuff happening in my life, that small thing will NEVER leave me and it's those small things that are the absolute best parts of life. Prayers to you and your D's! You are not alone.
-B
Arsh,
you say you can't look him in the eyes anymore. Is that because you're just too hurt or angry and you know you'll lose it if you do? If so, I know how you feel. I am the same way.
I think where you are going with everything is the right thing to do, plan your life without him. Move on. It sounds like your H doesn't know what in the hell he wants. Maybe he figures it out, maybe not.
Arsh,
You have received so much great advice here that I don't have too much more to add.
Having distance and time away from the WAS is sooo good for detachment. Trust me, you will learn to cherish it, even if it s@cks right now. It sounds like you are crazy busy (a good thing) with work and being a single parent, but try to carve out time for yourself on the days that you don't have the kids. Proactively plan activities that will get you out of the house and with other people, plan to meet with friends, or do meetups, or whatever it is, but find social outlets. For me, it is also helpful to carve out time to sit by myself and meditate, or take a walk around the neighborhood in the early morning when no one is out. Really trying to find that stillness of mind and focus on the present moment and letting go of the stresses, worries, concerns about everyday life as well as our sitches.
Best of luck in everything. You are in my thoughts and I know that you will come through this stronger than ever.
Thanks for your support Jim, LW, Davide and B.
Neffer, I appreciate your response, it takes a strong person to be supporting the LBWs like me based on your own personal experience. I know all sitches are different but I want to learn from you as much as possible, there are such few LBWs on these forums compared to LBHs. What really made you see the 'light in the storm' in your sitch, was it the changes in your W or did the new life lose the charm after a while? What did your W do or she could have done to make the home coming smoother for you? To make you see the light sooner?
Ovr, I am not sure if its anger, hurt, disgust, disappointment or just a mixed bag but I just dont feel like looking at his face anymore. I wont lose my patience that I know, after 7 months of this if anything I have mastered the art of STFU.
So, after his personal trips WH has restarted the D proceedings. When I heard back from the mediator, I was very upset. It saddenned me more than I would have imagined but I did pick myself up sooner. A broken heart cannot mend that easily i guess and this is betrayal of the highest degree. He is relentless and at this point I know he will have the D done. I feel I did my best post BD, I was patient, cordial as much as I could and tried my best to not add fuel to his raging fires but nothing seems to work. My children will have a broken home after all. I am concentrating my efforts on facing the business aspect of the D head on, no point living in denial anymore. He is not going to have an epiphany in the next few months and in his madness he will see the D through. I have started thinking of all the ways he has hurt me, ill treated and disrespected me and our MR, failed our kids and proven how unworthy he is of us right now.
As we say around here, D is not the end, it's a step in the process. Keep DBing!
So, after his personal trips WH has restarted the D proceedings. When I heard back from the mediator, I was very upset. It saddenned me more than I would have imagined but I did pick myself up sooner. A broken heart cannot mend that easily i guess and this is betrayal of the highest degree.
I know how you feel.... after a few weeks of nothing happening, she'd say or do something that would rip the scab off, and the hurt would start all over again. All I can say is that with time and distance, it won't hurt quite so much, but your last sentence is right on the money..... "I have started thinking of all the ways he has hurt me, ill treated and disrespected me and our MR, failed our kids and proven how unworthy he is of us right now." Keep remembering that, and it will get better.
So, after his personal trips WH has restarted the D proceedings. When I heard back from the mediator, I was very upset. It saddenned me more than I would have imagined but I did pick myself up sooner. A broken heart cannot mend that easily i guess and this is betrayal of the highest degree.
I know how you feel.... after a few weeks of nothing happening, she'd say or do something that would rip the scab off, and the hurt would start all over again. All I can say is that with time and distance, it won't hurt quite so much, but your last sentence is right on the money..... "I have started thinking of all the ways he has hurt me, ill treated and disrespected me and our MR, failed our kids and proven how unworthy he is of us right now." Keep remembering that, and it will get better.
This also shows you have a lot of detachment work to do as well.
Thanks Jim
Steve , I appreciate you calling me out on this. I work better when I have 2x4s handed out to me, directs me how I should move forward. I still have to work leaps and bounds on detachment, I have started being more proactive with GAL when I don’t have kids with me. I still have a twinge of hope in my heart that he may not see the D through and this is preventing me from complete detachment. I am actively working on thought stopping, I am trying to concentrate on all the wrongs and injustice meted out not to feel victimized but to fuel the anger in me to move further away. I wish I didn’t have to see him at all but the children exchanges happen few times a week. I am taking small steps though, I removed all the pictures we had up on the walls, put them in a box, labeled it Island 1 and put it away. (Bluwave, I read pig pen’s post on Sara’s thread, it helped)
I keep telling myself my H is dead and it is time to move forward with my life. Hope I actually do with these tools
Just keep moving forward arsh.
What really made you see the 'light in the storm' in your sitch, was it the changes in your W or did the new life lose the charm after a while? What did your W do or she could have done to make the home coming smoother for you? To make you see the light sooner?
My w and I were disconnected from the M. We were raising our S in turns. I remember sending my w a text: someone that is not happy can not make anybody else happy...W was submersed in job related problems and I felt abandoned. And this was one of my root problems, but I didn´t knew then. Go read my sitch and you´ll find some more facts.
I met ow at work. We became friends and she started pushing for more year and a half later. And I didn´t knew how to say no...of course it´s not an excuse: I failed miserably. I started a two years on-off affair. I knew it was wrong, I tried to stop it so many times... but couldn´t.
My W was oblivious to all of what was happening. But she started pushing to get the M back. And I felt that. And eventhough my heart was telling me ow was the love of my life and all you can imagine about unicorn valleys, deep inside I knew what was wrong and what was right. I was not going to abandone my S and my W. I needed to protect them...Craziness, right? Typical MLC? All together with past unresolved items. All written in my sitch...That feelings made me start my inner voyage despite all my fears. I´m still into it.
Ow made all she could do to burn bridges of my M, but my W stood there. She protected my S. I left home twice. She went on with her life with S, and after few weeks she let me come home. We went to MC, I went to IC (still going). I unfolded some hidden truths...My W was always there to push me forward. It was hard for her, really hard. It was hard for S too. And here we are some years after...still healing wounds but walking the family road.
So now arsh, go to Sandi´s 37 rules posted by Cadet:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2777879#Post2777879 Nearly all of them check in my sitch. I came across DB forum nearly two years ago. And it saved my life...
(((arsh)))
Hi Arsh, everything happened so fast and suddenly for you. It takes time to absorb everything and to adjust. I still believe your husband won't come back until he tries out his new life for at least a year. I could be wrong but let him get divorced and take his personal trips (I know you're not stopping him). Perhaps he's visiting another woman - I remember you saying you don't want to think about that but the good news is affairs end, and new dating relationships that start when someone is still married or recently divorced are so driven by emotions and they're likely to fail. Let him try everything and fail. Then let's see who will be knocking on your door. I think you'll be feeling much much better when you get to that point. I just feel so sorry for your daughters and for you when they're not with you though. It's just not fair. I still don't think I could do it. You're much stronger than I am.
Thanks Nef and Nic.
WH has not seen or even called Ds for a few days now, if it is not his time then he doesnt even call them and D3 has been missing him so much while he is again away on his personal trip. I have been tormenting myself of where he is and who he is with, I know it is not good for me but I have failed to let it not affect me. I texted him to arrange child exchanges and he is telling me he wants to swap days since he is not in town. He wants this arrangement for 2 weeks, I wanted to call him and scream my thoughts out but I havent responded yet. Pros of agreeing, D3 would love to spend time with WH, she will be disappointed if she has to go without seeing him for longer and I can use those couple of hours to get my life in order. Con of it is I am letting him dictate things again and probably being a doormat.
What is the advice when it comes to custody arrangement changes like this? I have allowed it once before already since he had just moved out and said he is missing kids. Should I be flexible when it comes to child arrangements especially knowing its because of his personal trips? Will that be cake eating? Or should I just say if he misses his day there are no swaps, he just has to wait for his turn next? Amidst all this the D process is moving forward.
Been following your story for a while and impressed with your courage.
I think it is time to face that he is not going to be the poster child for great parenting. I know your heart aches for your young children, but I do think it is a blessing to be younger. None of us have recollections of being three. As she ages, the life she sees will be the life she knows.
You can't force someone to parent. Mine was a somewhat involved and supportive dad and now has not seen one child in a year and has seen the other twice very briefly. My guess is that yours will also see them less and less as he gets pulled into his shiny new life, and then maybe after a time, not at all until he works through his issues. After two years, mine does seem to be making a microscopic effort to up his game with the kids.
He wanted to push this. He wanted to force you into this. Don't keep helping him out. Don't push him to take the kids when he is supposed to. If he doesn't, more time for you. Be the stable parent for the kids. Having one makes all the difference.
If you start making concessions on the timing this early when he hasn't planned in advance for a change, you will spend the next 18 years chasing him to see the kids and letting him pop in whenever he wants. Trust me, that is hard on the kids. Mine are older and they say they would rather see him regularly or not at all. They hate that they see him only when it is convenient for him.
Hold firm to your agreement. Don't ask him to be a parent. Let him find his own level.
You won't nice him back. He won't respect you for being pliable, he will just take advantage of you until you don't allow it anymore and then he will build you up as the bad guy anyway.
More detachment. More letting go. Less communication. Let him tell you in advance when he needs a change and if it works for you, say yes only because it worked for you.
We all ache for our kids, but a three year old is going to get over this quickly.
Arsh, your divorce isn't finalized yet so I have no idea how custody works informally until the papers are signed. Perhaps you could agree to what he wants with the condition that once the divorce is finalized you'll be abiding strictly by custody laws.
Arsh when my husband stops calling I know it's because he's in a new relationship with a new woman. It happened three years ago and happened again this year. It was almost identical how he stopped calling and seeing our daughter during both times. When the relationships ended he went back to normal. I think it's honestly think that's one of the better case scenarios if your husband is having an affair - affairs don't usually last. Sure there are stories about affair partners who marry but your husband isn't just any affair partner. He's got two little kids and he's from India where there are customs and traditions that I doubt would honor adultery. So what will your husband say to his family in a few months if he wants to introduce whoever it is after the divorce? Will they really be happy for him and ready to accept another woman knowing how he left you and your daughters? What about people at work? What about his thoughts when he falls asleep at night? At some point he has to face reality. Things won't always be so carefree and fun. It's still really immature and terrible whatever he's doing but I really doubt he's alone going fishing right now. There must be reasons why he's in such a rush to divorce and why he's off traveling so soon after moving out. I think that's good news for you though because this won't last and he'll be back when the affair ends unless he's like my husband and decides one woman isn't enough and keeps going for more.
More detachment. More letting go. Less communication. Let him tell you in advance when he needs a change and if it works for you, say yes only because it worked for you.
This ^^.
If it works for you, tell him yes, but if it's inconvenient, tell him no. There will come a time when your new boyfriend wants to fly you to Paris for the weekend when you have the kids, so don't hold him rigidly to the schedule because there will be times when you want to change it, too.
One, thank you. I read your advise a few times and let it sink in. I hope I get to see your older threads and learn from it at some point.
Nic, I suspect something similar. There is a reason he did not bother video calling and thinking about it makes me want to throw up.
Jim, thanks, you are sweet, it made me smile but honestly I am as far from thinking of a R with someone new than i ever have been in my life.
Not because I dont think I am not worthy, heck I know I am a great catch, only the fool I married doesnt see that. But I feel R with a partner makes you so vulnerable, I know it is okay to be vulnerable but my walls are so up high right now I cannot survive a broken heart one more time. I need to make myself happy, I need to find happiness in my children, in my parents, in my activities and my career. I married the first person I fell in love with, my only physical partner in life. If someone I have been with since 19 can do this to me, anybody who I find from now will be capable of it. I need to get myself to a place where nobody dictates my happiness but me. I should be able to be happy even if I dont have a long term partner for the rest of my life. Only if I am happy and wholesome, my daughters will get a great mom, and they deserve the greatest mother ever. It is a lot of work, I am very very far from being happy but it is my path to take and make sure to get there.
Update - I did let WH take kids for a while on my day, but it was because I needed a few hours to get things in order and because D3 was really missing him. He failed to communicate the time again and we had a mini tiff texting the times, he started pushing for overnight and I lost it. I clearly told him he booked his personal trip knowing very well that it would eat into his time with the kids and what he is getting extra is bonus. Probably more messaging than I should have but I basically said take the times I am offering or nothing at all until it is his turn again, so he yielded. He also said he was visiting a friend without I asking him where he was. I am not an idiot, not anymore, to just think he was in the wilderness meditating. For all I care he can go to heck.
On a positive note, I watched a movie I havent in a long time. It actually has a lot of GAL, 180s and letting go in a simple way. For those of you who want some bollywood fun, watch Queen on Netflix, it is such a feel good.
Arsh,
I know how you feel about having your walls up. It's like, how could you ever trust someone again? You thought your spouse was trustworthy and then they rip your heart out.
Maybe you said a little too much to him, but you held your ground overall and he knows he's not acting right. I can't stand when the WS lies so obviously. Everything the WS does is for themselves. So your WH is "visiting a friend" ya OK that's what I thought.
I'll be checking out your show here in a bit when I hit the sack. Arsh, I'm sorry you're going through this, but your kids will grow up and realize everything you've done here.
But I feel R with a partner makes you so vulnerable, I know it is okay to be vulnerable but my walls are so up high right now I cannot survive a broken heart one more time.
Arshi, I hope you don't think I was pushing you into a new R. I am just saying there will be times when you need the schedule changed, and if you are intolerant of him making any changes, he may do the same to you.
Regarding what you said above, I completely understand. I think all of us on this forum do. I'm right there with you.
Arsh, you and I both have a lack of experience with men it sounds. That's amazing you met your husband at age 19. It's so hard to believe you're living without him for the first time. You two literally grew up together and did everything together. Didn't you ever notice other men though or didn't other men show signs of interest from time-to-time? Perhaps one day you'll just fall in love with someone new by accident and you'll be willing to take a risk. I wish that'd happen to me.
Is this the first or second time your husband has visited his "friend" since he left? If it's the second time I'd say it's guaranteed he met a woman and that's why this divorce is happening. I still think that's a best case scenario. You can rest easy knowing you weren't too controlling and that's not why he left. You can also look forward to his fun new relationship ending and him getting burned. There's a high chance that'll happen. It's better to not know details but it's also good finally knowing the reason why this divorce is happening.
Your husband's actions have been very similar to my husband's actions. My husband believes he didn't get to enjoy his life when he was young and have fun (in other words, he didn't get to date 100 women and sleep with each or whatever). Maybe your husband has the same thoughts like "I've been with Arsh since age 19 and I never got to experience other women. Now I'm stuck at home with a tired rundown wife, crying baby, and there's this beautiful woman who seems interested in me!" Perhaps the temptation combined with the hardships of having little kids at home with a ton of responsibility was more than he could bear. Not that that excuses him in any way because 99.5 / 100 men won't abandon their wives after they have kids but apparently your husband was vulnerable and took the bait. Who knows what really happened but he'll wake up one day. Just wait. I feel so sure about that in your case.
It's good to dedicate your life to your daughters. I'm doing the same for my daughter. She's only four and she deserves a mom who's fully focused on her upbringing, not out dating random men while she goes to school all day and sits with a babysitter all night. It's soooo hard to believe some of the stories about wayward wives on this board are true. I can't imagine a 40 year old woman out clubbing with her friends while her kids sit at home with the husband all wondering where mom is. That's a deviation from your thread except I commend you for being level headed and keeping your priorities straight. Every kid deserves that from both their parents but if they don't get that from one then that adds even more pressure to the other.
I look forward to your continued updates.
I wish you would both read T3104 or whatever her screen name was. She endured hell on earth with her H. She was convinced with several small children her life was over. Within like six months she had a significant trade up and was living. Try to avoid the temptation to project the way you feel today over the rest of your lives. Time and distance really do make it better. When your self worth improves you will wonder why you ever wanted these men back. Take it day by day. Let go a little more each day, join the world a little more each day. Give yourselves time. Read DNJ’s posts on the MLC thread for someone who really gets this.
I also have been with my H since I was 19. I cannot imagine ever being with anyone else, my H is all I have ever known and all I wanted. Sounds like you feel the same and I totally understand. Hang in there.
Hi Arsh,
Thanks for posting on Kech thread. She needs support right now. Always good to have another perspective helping.
Thank you Ovr, Jim, OneArt, Nic and Helena. R2C, thanks for the updates on the quotes thread I have been reading up on the older ones, very helpful
I have had a moderate week, staying apart helps in detachment. Weekend has been bad, I filled out the financial statements for D, kids were with WH and I met them briefly today. There is not much socializing you can do on long weekends, all my friends have kids and families. I miss having family here, every one is half way across the world. The week goes by fast since I have kids most of the days and between work and managing them it gets very busy.
D3 mentioned today that she spoke to her daddy's friend on a video call, she said her name was a cartoon character's and she called D3 something funny too. She also told me this friend of her dad's also has a D. My heart lunged at this as I am pretty sure this is the hidden OW. WH has no female friends that he video chats with and anybody we are close to is already acquainted with D3 and she would instantly recognize them. this person was clearly someone new to her. OW was the only logical sense in my sitch but I willingly denied it for so long. Although I still do not know who she is, I am quite certain that there is a OW. Maybe it is just projecting but I feel WH is in a PA now, he feels stranger since he has moved out. And here I am feeling like a pathetic loser who trusted him with her heart and soul, had two kids with him, have absolutely no intel on his A and I am working with him on a mediated D to end this MR. He hit me at my lowest, probably got involved when I was pregnant and BDd when D was 2 months. WH must also be justifying this, thinking he has already ended the MR with me and is carrying on with his fancies only after he decided to D.
I was doing so well this last week, and something like this just takes you down the drain. I see that he is in the honeymoon period of his R, if it has just gone physical once he moved out they must be not be able to stay away from each other hence the frequent out of state travels. And to think he wants me to move to the other coast post D.
Such a ...!! I cried again, in pain, in anguish, asked god why my life turned out like this, what did my Ds do to deserve this. When I saw WH I kept quiet though, no anger no reaction not even a mention of what D3 said.
Most spouses on this forum at least are confused and want to keep their MR and S on limbo. WH is not only actively rejecting me but has decided it is the end of MR. I am spinning really bad today, all the strength I had just waned. But I have become better at getting up every time I trip and fall and continue moving on. Feel so alone in the world right now, running around my babies and losing my mind keeps me from really losing it. But yes I will keep being the light house, I dont have much hope at this time though. Even if he comes back post D, after all this pain and even actually going through a D would there be a point to it all?I believe in Karma, but at this point even if WH 'pays' for this its not going to take away the pain I have to endure or the injustice my Ds have to face. I can only ask god for more strength to keep going.
Ok, time to work on getting through it now. We all knew there was an OW. Deep down you knew it too. Fantasy, emotional, physical, it really doesn't matter.
Time to stop dwelling on the past, what you've lost, and that you didn't deserve this. You aren't special. None of us deserved this.
Now for the good part. You are a very strong person. You are a great mom. You are going to get through this. I firmly believe he will come crawling back some day and I hope he finds a very strong, self-confident woman, who makes the terms for her own life.
It will only be weird for the kids if you make it so. Read Gordie on MLC's earlier post for what his wife did with the OM and having him around the kids. They are in the process of reconciling.
Don't make decisions now about whether and how you would take him back. That isn't on the table and probably won't be for a long time.
Focus on you. Focus on the kids. Focus on your work so you don't have issues there. You don't need to be dependent on this man.
There is a path through this. The ending may not be a certainty, but you will be standing there a more confident person, with a better connection with your kids, and with full knowledge of what you will and will not take in a relationship.
Stop the monkey braining. Stop thinking about what he is doing and with whom. You don't real know the truth. Read BluWave again on what she thought vs. what was really going on.
I am so confident that you are going to be a better person for this. You have all the right ingredients. Know that the people here care about you and will help you get through.
One, thank you thank you!! I am the kind of person who works best with 2x4, all that you say is true , I need someone to smack me on my head when I drown in self pity. I didn’t deserve this but he absolutely doesn’t deserve my tears now. And yes the future is uncertain, the only truth is the present. I have been telling myself WH is dead and that has worked well for me. Other than kids exchange we have absolutely no communication. He has even complained I don’t receive his calls, I just asked him to text me if it’s urgent when I don’t receive them. I honestly don’t care what upsets him anymore. At least the kids will be back with me tomorrow and no more long weekends anytime soon.
WH wasn’t even man enough to own his A, he had to play the poor me tortured by controlling wife card to family.
I have to raise my Ds to be stronger than me, to own their choices and face the challenges that life throws at them.
Thank you One.
My DB friends if there is any 2x4s please bring it on.
I think you already know what to do. It's the fear that holds you down. Go back and read some of the posts that helped you out from the long time vets. That's what I do occasionally. I also consider my WW as being dead. She is definitely not the same person I married. Same with your WH. But Iike I've been told, you've got to be Awesome in every way. Your kids will need to look at you as the strongest most coolest mom ever. They are walking in your footsteps. So what they see is what they get. It's so totally natural to let your thoughts get the best of you. I let it happen way too often. My good days and nights are usually because I TRY to replace those thoughts with something more positive. The sooner you can let go, the sooner you can be happy. It's my goal to get to the point where I don't care either way. Of course you're thinking about your history and how badly you want things to go back the way it was , and now you just want a fresh start with a new relationship with H. The fact is, our WS's have other feelings for someone else and we don't matter ATM.
So get your a$$ in gear and start being awesome for yourself and your kids. Your H isn't as happy as he thinks he is. Hes being super flakey and you don't have time for it. I've talked alot of women who told me straight up, that once they woke up and didn't care. After they got tired of waiting and stressing out about their H. Yep you guessed it, Their WH came back begging and crying for forgiveness. And then guess what? The W had moved so far on that the WH had no chance in hell,no chance ever. They said it felt so good and they are all happier than they've ever been. They all have children too. Now I don't know if yours will do come crying back. But get yourself to that point. Once a woman makes up her mind, it's made up. So, just like everyone here has said. Do this for yourself and kids. Don't chase someone who has dumped you and is cheating on you. You're better than that no doubt. Men like what they can't have. If he knows he can waltz right on back, I gauruntee he will waltz right on back out with another gal in time. So get yourself as tough and awsome as soon as possible. Get a new mindset and don't worry so much. You will look back at this and wonder why you let it bother you so bad. And you will be the strongest person you know. Keep it up Arsh..good days are coming!
Arshi, it's two steps forward and one step backward. We all have our moments of despair and hopelessness, but you will find they become shorter, and less frequent.
I'm not going to repeat what everyone else is saying, but they're right! You are awesome! Go be awesome and let him suck it!
Sam as Jim for me! Sending you love and hugs. You're stellar and go show the world your brilliance by building your strength against all adversity. You got it!
Arsh,
Reading through your sitch now, I cannot believe how similar our H seemed to be behaving. I see in here yours wasnt having an A like mine was, but your H definitely behaved exactly like mine. All of a sudden wanting a D out of NOWHERE, saying he didnt even want to be separated because he knew he just didnt want to be married anymore. Those were my H exact words on BD and I was LOST.
2 months later I discovered the OW and everything became clear. He became scared, immediately quit his job, and said he would never see her again and make us work. Cut to months down the line and here we are..I am going to continue reading your threads, but again it is nice to know we are not alone, newborns and all. I know how awful it feels and I also know how nice it feels to get advice on here with suggestions of what to do, since being in the sitch its hard to see it from another perspective.
I took your recent advice to me and told H we need to make a schedule for time with D. If you read my thread you can see that it was very upsetting to him. He started to cry and left and then apologized in a text later. It was hard to follow through but I knew you were right in telling me to do that.
I am going to keep reading your thread now, I hope we can help one another through all of this.
Arshi, It is with pure encouragement that I write this. I can see how finding out about OW sets you in to a downward spiral. Chances are he will probably blame you for this also. I truly feel for you and encourage you to let all the feelings out and then pick yourself up - dust yourself off and be the best mom possible to your Ds. I see in your post that you are asking how God could do this to you and your beautiful innocent Ds? I feel now is not the time to question God but to more so TRUST in God. Allow Him to work you and your family. I thought about this same question today and what I have come up with in my own sitch is- First - I have become closer in my walk with Christ - sharing with Him my successes and my pain. Secondly-I now have a more solid relationship with my S - we talk more open and freely and do more things. Lastly- this painful time has allowed me to rediscover who I am- making me a priority again - getting healthy and balanced. I have lost almost 60 lbs and focus on getting better everyday. On the other hand my W looks like she has gained 25 lbs is is the most unhealthy since we've met. One last thing- it says these trials and tribulations that we encounter on earth is just a means for us to grow and is preparation for eternal happiness in the afterlife. Know that I pray for you and your family and all that are here. Sending you warm hugs- Blessings.
Arsh,
You are getting great advice on here. I think it is completely normal to have moments of anguish and misery, but obsessing about WH and what he is doing or whom he is with is completely unhelpful. As others have said your focus needs to be entirely on yourself and your Ds. You talk about wanting to raise strong Ds - nothing will teach them more than watching the example that their mother sets. They will take their cues from you, from your actions far more than your words. Be the woman you want them to be.
You can do this. We are all supporting you from afar.
Sending you hugs and hugs and hugs Arshi!
Two steps forward, one backward... Hey, you are moving forward!
Please start a new thread. This thread has reached the 100 posting/reply limit. Thanks!
Arsh, I was just out-of-town for the past four days so I haven't been able to post or respond yet but I spotted your message this morning and want to respond in the interim. It's the worst pain in the world when your spouse has an affair. There are also many resources out there on affairs so you might wish to educate yourself further with books and articles to feel less alone and hopeless. You can also re-read my previous posts about the OW. Yes there's a small chance that your husband and OW will marry and live happily-ever-after but there's a much greater chance the relationship won't work out and he'll be back. My guess is your husband didn't want to have a full affair while married so he rushed to divorce to feel less guilty or perhaps because OW has boundaries and said something like "I'm not going to sleep with you until I see that you're separated or divorced..." Not that it matters any more, but realistically as you confront the truth you'll go through certain thought processes and grief that can be guided by the abundance of literature and research on affairs.
I completely agree regarding the complete injustice and cruelty of your husband blaming you for being controlling and telling his family that you're bad when it was all a cover-up for his criminal behavior. When he told you he was depressed and you didn't support him while you were pregnant - what a lie! Maybe he was depressed for a while but what he really means is he met someone who made him feel amazing right at the time when you were unable to focus on him. It's selfish.
Our husbands took exactly the same approach and used the same strategies. You can read my older threads. My husband became mean, blamed me, re-wrote history, and made me feel terrible both times before he moved out, before he wanted a divorce, and basically whenever he was in an affair and felt the marriage was a burden or obstacle. I've cried for most of the past three years and I still struggle to understand how someone who was previously so kind, gentle, and loving could change like this. You're not alone. My husband did come back when his first affair ended. I still believe yours will be back. Let him have his honeymoon because this might be the last happiness he feels for a long, long time once reality sets in and he realizes what he lost.
Oh, arsh (((hugs))). I remember the pain of learning that there was an OW all too well. It's feels so unbelievable that this person we could love, feel so close to, and trust, could betray us in this way. I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is the worst and deepest cut. And it is all happening very fast in your sitch! At least you now know some truth, if there is any comfort in that. I hope you can find a little comfort in the fact that a wayward is running towards something much faster than he is running away from you. Take a moment with that, especially if you are ruminating over where you went wrong in the M. There is very good chance that is not what this is about. Stop blaming yourself if you can.
I wish I could promise you that the hardest part is over. I actually believe it might be. We just don't know how this will play out and unfortunately none of us can predict it. You also cannot control it. Often times the A and the allure of the A have to burn out on it's own, and they usually do. Rarely do As amount to any genuine R because they are based on fantasy, dishonesty and deception. When allowed the freedom to pursue something real, they often die a quick and dramatic death. In my sitch, my H discusses his R with OW with shame, regret and there was always an unsettled feeling. She was also jealous and insecure because on some level she knew she was nothing genuine to him, she was an escape. I was the W, the mother of his children, and the one he fell in love with for years. We chose each other and had a love that was natural. She was there during a hard time in life and the A was a manufactured result of stress. On some level, he always knew that and that it was wrong.
Please know that in your sitch, your husband is completely wayward, and not just a walkaway. After reading on these boards for over 4 years, it seems apparent that waywards are more likely to return to the M than walkaways. Waywards are sort of running blindly and furiously to the idea of a better R or life, because they often cannot handle what is in front of them. It's an escape. In your sitch, it seems that parenthood and the stress that comes with building a family may have been too much for his limited coping mechs to deal with. In the case of walkaways, it seems they have been checked out of the M for a longer period of time. By the time they leave or start having As, they have already been planning the escape in their mind for some time. That or there is a history of leaving the M, not being involved with the kids or even wanting a family, and multiple As. I don't see that in your sitch at all. So I do think in time, chances of him falling flat and running back to you are high. You may not even want him anymore, but you can't even know that now, so try and not think about it too much.
So what can you do now? You keep doing exactly what you are doing! You wake up each day and get through it as best you can. You practice extreme self care, even when you don't feel like it. Let the girls' best interest lead the way. Follow Sandi's rules. And even if you mess up every day, FORGIVE yourself. It is okay. You are human and not a robot. No one expects that; perfection is poison. Honestly, I blew it every day. But I kept on trying. And you know what, I think it's okay to break the rules, if breaking the rules means that I am finding my strength and sending the very strong message that I am not putting up with your lying, cheating, arse anymore! I was pretty fierce with my H and I don't entirely regret it. As time went on, he saw/knew I wasn't going to sit home and cry and let him walk all over me or my life. He learned how I deserved to be treated, and what the kids needed, because I demanded it. And you know what? He learned to respect me and he learned my worth. No one wants someone that doesn't first value themselves. .... so your most important homework, is to find yourself again ...
You are a strong woman, arsh. I can read that all over your posts. This will not kill you and I know it will make you stronger. Just learn to have patience with yourself. There is no rush to do or be anything. Just find time to give yourself the love that he took away.
Blu
Been thinking about you Arsh, please give us an update when youre able.
H
Arshi- Sending you (((hugs)))- Is everything ok?
Dear DB family, thanks for checking in on me. I am doing fine, I am still standing, holding my head up high.
I have to sunset these threads and come back with a new id. Hope I will still get all the support from you, this forum is my life support really at this time
Moderators please lock the thread.
arsh, good luck, and I will be praying for you, your Ds, and your sitch.
I am so sorry, you deserved so much better than this.
Hope to hear from you soon, Arsh!
Start a new thread you are over 100 posts