Previous thread...
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2790186#Post2790186Heading out to GAL. Taking the kids to a pool party my friend invited me to in her hometown. Yesterday, I spent the afternoon at my oldest sons soccer game and took the kids to get pizza. It is nice being out of the house doing things, and also nice not being there in case WW decides to make one of her impromptu appearances...
Had a good weekend. Never responded to Ws requests for money. Have not heard from her since Saturday morning. I like it like that. Like Ice Cube said, today was a good day....
Not a peep from W since the last text she sent Saturday morning asking if I was going to continue to ignore her or act like an adult. Today marks one week since she's seen or talked to the kids. I expect her to pop up and make an appearance soon. Rent is due on the first, and I'm sure she'll try something to get some money. We'll see...
She's probably deep into substances trying to escape her money problems and the fear that losing control over you has engendered. She's probably been out of it since Saturday. When she sobers up and reality hits, you are right, she'll come calling.
Keep on truckin
No news is good news
Long may it continue
V
Not gonna lie. Yesterday was kind of a struggle. For some reason, I had W on my mind a lot. Took up a lot of headspace. After I put the kids to bed, I went out for a little GAL and hung out with some friends at the local open mic. It was just what I needed. Even got some attention from a few ladies. I was not out looking for any, but they approached me and I had a few nice conversations. It reminded me that there are a lot of great and normal women out there and how bat $hit crazy W is. Got her off of my mind real quick. Starting to come to the realization more and more each day that this whole thing may be a blessing in disguise...
hang in there buddy, You've been through the ringer. Her silence scares me a bit based on her recent accusations with the smartphone video thing. And OM accusing you of physical abuse. So I wouldn't let your guard down just yet. SHe may become more desperate before she gives up completely.
As I told you a couple of weeks no one, and I mean NO ONE, would blame you for Ding her as fast as you can.
Thanks, Steve. I appreciate your support and everyone elses through all of this. I cannot imagine where I would be in this journey without this place...
And I agree with you about the silence. It is making me a bit anxious. Kind of like when it gets too quiet in the house when all the kids are home. You know they are up to no good...
W finally texted me again. First one was "Kids?" Followed by, "Do I need to stop by unannouced. I've tried texting my way and your way and you won't respond. Good job. I guess you're telling the kids I don't want to see them too.". I didn't have muy phone on me when she texted. When I saw the texts I sent back "didn't have my phone on me S has a game tonight at 6:45 and D has a game at 8:30" She sent back "so you haven't had your phone for a week or just today?" I said just the past few hours. Then i get "why haven't you answered my calls or texts? You know if I'm trying to get ahold of you I want to see the kids. I also need the birth certificates I paid for" I sent back "Because you were just asking for money. As much as I'd like to help, that's not my job anymore" Her - "I like how you say you'd like to help. I wanted money to do stuff to the van bc it needs maintenance. Unless you want to give me the title." This is a bunch of BS because if you remember, she was asking for money to pay her gas bill and put gas in the van. I sent back "If you want to communicate about the kids just send a text and be specific about what you want." Her - "I just told you what I wanted. The birth certificates, the title to the van, and to see the kids. I'm tired of you acting like I haven't been clear with you". I'm not sure what world she's been living in, but she has not been clear with me at all until now. Wayward Wife Land sure is an interesting place...
W finally texted me again. First one was "Kids?" Followed by, "Do I need to stop by unannouced. I've tried texting my way and your way and you won't respond. Good job. I guess you're telling the kids I don't want to see them too.". I didn't have muy phone on me when she texted. When I saw the texts I sent back "didn't have my phone on me S has a game tonight at 6:45 and D has a game at 8:30" She sent back "so you haven't had your phone for a week or just today?" I said just the past few hours. Then i get "why haven't you answered my calls or texts? You know if I'm trying to get ahold of you I want to see the kids. I also need the birth certificates I paid for" I sent back "Because you were just asking for money. As much as I'd like to help, that's not my job anymore" Her - "I like how you say you'd like to help. I wanted money to do stuff to the van bc it needs maintenance. Unless you want to give me the title." This is a bunch of BS because if you remember, she was asking for money to pay her gas bill and put gas in the van. I sent back "If you want to communicate about the kids just send a text and be specific about what you want." Her - "I just told you what I wanted. The birth certificates, the title to the van, and to see the kids. I'm tired of you acting like I haven't been clear with you". I'm not sure what world she's been living in, but she has not been clear with me at all until now. Wayward Wife Land sure is an interesting place...
It certainly is. This is all so manipulative. All she has to do is text: "I want to see my kids, please contact me back so we can set that up."
But as you wisely pointed out, that wasn't her end goal. Even after you called her out then she switched it to "I want to see the kids and get my van's title, and the birth certs." Huh? That isn't what she said originally.
What is the story on the birth certificates? What her end game on that?
What is the story on the birth certificates? What her end game on that?
I think she's going to apply for public housing and needs them for proof that she has kids. She's pribably gonna pull the "I'm a single mom taking care of my 3 kids" card again. Try to get rent as low as possible...
I also find it funny that she never showed up to the kids' ballgames last night. Hasn't been to a single one for either of them yet and the season is almost half over. But anytime I don't respond to her vague texts, she always says something about trying to get ahold of me so she can see the kids and never does. Not sure if she's trying to make me feel bad or trying to convince herself that she actually wants to see the kids. Either way, I can see right through it. If she wanted to see them, all she has to do is set up a time. But that cuts into her social life Can't plan on seeing the kids at 7:00 tomorrow, because what if something better comes up? Instead, she waits around until she's bored and pretends to want to see them, then rarely shows up anyway...
mtb,
I've got your back. Here's what you do: Tell you wife that you and the kids are having an end of season celebration at a posh and expensive restaurant and let her know she's invited and you'll be paying. Of course, you and the kids never show up.
Cool huh?
Doodler... you sir, are a savage. I like it. But I will not do that. It will just give her something to use against me. And I do not want to give her the pleasure. I will however probably have a huge cookout at the end of the season and invite everyone we know except her. And be sure to have all of her favorite stuff at the cookout. I am sure everyone there will post lots of pictures to social media showing how much fun we all are having...
Getting out of town tomorrow night for a little GAL. My parents are gonna watch the kids and I'm gonna go to a concert with a friend. A much needed break...
D9 is having a hard time tonight. She really misses her mom and does not understand why she never comes around. I just told her mommy wants some time to herself right now to figure out what she wants. She asked what that meant and I told her she did not know if she wanted to be married to me and is trying to figure that out. D9 asks why, and the best answer I could come up with was I dont know. This little girl is breaking my heart. I gave her an ice cream cone and lots of hugs, and she seems to be doing better...
Good for you mtb! Have a good time.
mtb my heart breaks for you. My S was in tears earlier this week saying he felt broken like there was a huge hole in his heart and all the good was being drained away. I just hugged him and said let it all out. If I could take his pain away I would - in a heart beat. I know you probably feel this way too. Stay well!
Thanks for all the support, guys. I had a blast last night. just got done cleaning the house up a little and waiting for the Parents to drop the kids off. It's a beautiful day today and I plan on making the best of it...
Well handled with D9, age appropriate conversation.
Great dad stuff.
V
W sent a text wanting to come by to get the birth certificates. She claims she needs them to keep the kids insurance. I'm pretty sure this is a lie. They were all just issued new cards that became effective April 2018. Last time she mentioned the birth certificates, she said she needed them to apply for public housing. Not sure what's going on exactly. I'm wondering if she's going to apply for legal assistance and needs proof of having children...
Put them in the mailbox and tell her to stop by anytime and get them.
Make copies, do not give her originals. Copies will work if its for insurance.
I just told her to go to the courthouse and get copies because she is going to be in the same town as the courthouse. She threw a fit and complained about it costing too much. They are 20 dollars each. Then she went on a cursing spree. Telling me that I am conniving and have it out for her. That she was going to bring a cop to the house to get in and search for the birth certificates. I told her to just stay away. That I had filed for D and had temporary possession of the house. The kids and.i left to go have lunch because we did not want to be around for her to come beat on the door...
I just told her to go to the courthouse and get copies because she is going to be in the same town as the courthouse. She threw a fit and complained about it costing too much. They are 20 dollars each. Then she went on a cursing spree. Telling me that I am conniving and have it out for her. That she was going to bring a cop to the house to get in and search for the birth certificates. I told her to just stay away. That I had filed for D and had temporary possession of the house. The kids and.i left to go have lunch because we did not want to be around for her to come beat on the door...
The cops have to be tired of her. Do they know she is an addict? Most cops have very little patience for addicts.
I am sure they are getting tired of her. One time when they were by the house, the cop made a comment that he got the impression she was looking for money to get drugs...
I will give her credit though. She is really good at pretending to be sweet and nice. So maybe they believe her. Who knows? Surely they have dealt with enough situations like this to be able to see things how they truly are...
I decided I liked Steves idea of putting them in the mailbox. So I did and sent her a text saying I put them there for her. She then texted back I am guessing you are not there? Followed by when did you file btw? I sent back no. Last week. Then she called. I answered. Her demeanor was completely the opposite of what it was a couple of hours ago. Very calm and nice. She thanked me for finding the birth certificates and did she would be by sometime to get them. Then she asked
If I took a girl home last week. Her friend saw me out at the bar last week and I was talking to someone and her friend told W that I took the girl home. I just laughed and said no. W went on to say she was just curious because she was told by several people that I took this girl home. She thought it was funny that I think she has been sleeping with someone else and she has not (yeah right) but I was taking random women home from the bar. She asked what I was doing and I told her I was at the park with the kids and ended the conversation.
Disappearing post. Thought I had checked it for apostrophes. Will try to update when I get home...
Just got home and the birth certificates are still in the mailbox several hours later. Funny how she needed them so badly that she was going to come right over with a police escort, and now that she can get them, they just sit there...
Sounds like they were just an excuse to talk to you?
I dunno. Maybe, but I doubt it. I am sure she needed them for something. I was wondering if it was a temp check since she brought up me talking to another woman and thinking I might have taken her home. Jealousy rearing its ugly head...
She got distracted
Scrambled eggs for brains.
V
Birth certificates still in the mailbox this morning. I am out of the house today doing a side job. The oldest is there watching the kids. Just hoping she does not show up while I am gone. S15 knows what is going on and I do not want him to be put in an odd position if she tries to get in the house...
Birth certificates still in the mailbox this morning. I am out of the house today doing a side job. The oldest is there watching the kids. Just hoping she does not show up while I am gone. S15 knows what is going on and I do not want him to be put in an odd position if she tries to get in the house...
Ugh. That is sub-optimal. Is there anyway to get someone to go over there to spend the day until you get home? I don't trust her.
Well... she never stopped by. Still cannot understand why she needed them immediately yesterday and now they just sit there. Not even going to try to comprehend the things she does anymore...
W never did show up to pick up the birth certificates she wanted so badly. I have gotten 2 texts from her asking when I filed for D. The last one saying she needed to know because CEFS needed to know. Fuch CEFS. Im not married to them. Also, I doubt they even want to know. She is just being shady and wants to know for herself. Things arent lining up as she expected in her WW fantasy world...
mtb, thanks for the update. Wow, did she have control problems when you were married to her? She sounds like she doesn't like to be in control. She has acted out every time you've shown her that she no longer has any control over you.
Keep up the good work.
I don't really know. She's definitely not the same person I married. One of her big issues id that she always claimed I was controlling. And I kind of was, but it was out of necessity. I hate to say that, but it's true. Especially financially. We have always lived paycheck to paycheck. She has no financial responsibilty whatsoever. She just wanted to buy anything she wanted without thinking about whether or not we would be able to pay our bills later. So I had to put a lock down on our finances. I needed to make sure everything got taken care of, so I kept a tight eye on every penny. I can see where it was controlling, but at the same time, I needed to make sure all the bills got paid too. I think me being controlling was a big factor in her leaving. She wanted some freedom. Funny thing is, now that she's gone, she can't manage her money and her life is a mess in general. A lot of mind reading going on here, but I feel like she's missing the stability that I brought into her life. In the beginning of all this, I pulled all the classic mistakes and she knew she had me. She knew she could come back at the drop of a hat. She had that going for her and she knew it. Now she doesn't and it was the only thing she had that she was in control of. Everything was spinning around and she could grab on to that, and now she has nothing to hold on to...
Everything was spinning around and she could grab on to that, and now she has nothing to hold on to...
mtb,
I don't know, she might have something on you. There's been a nasty rumor going around that you eat your own boogers. That's so gross.
Financially my sitch was very similar to yours. My wife started business but used her personal credit (BAD). So after the business started to fail we had to separate finances to protect our family finances. Also when my daughter was born, we agreed she'd quit her job and stay home fulltime. For a few years things were really tight, so that got me into a habit of really watching our spending.
On BD she said she felt like a child and I was her father when it came to spending. Which was true sometimes I guess, but unless she was going crazy I generally left her spending alone. The only time I would fuss was when I would drop $300 on groceries, and the next day she would go out to eat with my daughter.
Admittedly I needed to lighten up a lot around spending, and I have now.
mtb,
I don't know, she might have something on you. There's been a nasty rumor going around that you eat your own boogers. That's so gross.
Dude... Have you tried one of these things? They're delicious! I've got more where that came from. Hit me up if you're hungry...
Financially my sitch was very similar to yours. My wife started business but used her personal credit (BAD). So after the business started to fail we had to separate finances to protect our family finances. Also when my daughter was born, we agreed she'd quit her job and stay home fulltime. For a few years things were really tight, so that got me into a habit of really watching our spending.
On BD she said she felt like a child and I was her father when it came to spending. Which was true sometimes I guess, but unless she was going crazy I generally left her spending alone. The only time I would fuss was when I would drop $300 on groceries, and the next day she would go out to eat with my daughter.
Admittedly I needed to lighten up a lot around spending, and I have now.
I totally got the "you make me feel like a kid and you're my dad" talk too. I've done better with it also. At the time, it drove me nuts. Every time she said I treated her like a kid, I just wanted to say "Stop acting like one!", but that wasn't going to do anything but make things worse. I've come a long way since then. Live and learn...
Dude... Have you tried one of these things? They're delicious! I've got more where that came from. Hit me up if you're hungry...
Maybe I'll try one. Do you have any dipping sauce?
Dude... Have you tried one of these things? They're delicious! I've got more where that came from. Hit me up if you're hungry...
Maybe I'll try one. Do you have any dipping sauce?
Give me a few minutes and I'll crank some out for ya...
Funny. And gross...........
Got a phone call from a friend of mine this morning. He was actually one of the groomsmen in my wedding. Said he ran into W last night at the bar and she was really drunk. He owns a restaurant and she was asking for a job. He said she turned the waterworks on and said she's applied everywhere in town, but no one will hire her. She claims no one will hire her because of me and my parents. (not sure what that even means) He told her he wouldn't give her a job. She has worked for him twice before and let him down both times. So she went from sad victim mode to extreme anger and rage ans started cussing him out. He e got tired of listening to her and told her all her problems have been brought on by herself, to take responsibility, and quit feeling sorry for herself. Then she goes on to tell him that I am abusive and beat her and the kids. Accused me of slamming her head in a car door on Mother's Day, and other random lies. My buddy left and got a call a few minutes later from the bar owner who apologized to him and told him that my W was going to be barred from there. This was actually the same place she worked at before she got fired...
Got a phone call from a friend of mine this morning. He was actually one of the groomsmen in my wedding. Said he ran into W last night at the bar and she was really drunk. He owns a restaurant and she was asking for a job. He said she turned the waterworks on and said she's applied everywhere in town, but no one will hire her. She claims no one will hire her because of me and my parents. (not sure what that even means) He told her he wouldn't give her a job. She has worked for him twice before and let him down both times. So she went from sad victim mode to extreme anger and rage ans started cussing him out. He e got tired of listening to her and told her all her problems have been brought on by herself, to take responsibility, and quit feeling sorry for herself. Then she goes on to tell him that I am abusive and beat her and the kids. Accused me of slamming her head in a car door on Mother's Day, and other random lies. My buddy left and got a call a few minutes later from the bar owner who apologized to him and told him that my W was going to be barred from there. This was actually the same place she worked at before she got fired...
She is just bouncing up and down at rock bottom now.
W tried calling a bit ago. I didn't answer. It blows my mind that she goes around saying things about me like she did last night. She knows she's lying, but I really think she's gotten to the point where she believes her own lies. It's really messed up...
I was wondering... The next time I talk to W do I bring up the fact that she is making these false accusations against me and call her out, or do I just ignore it?...
mtb my feeling would be that as an alpha you don't reward bad behavior but just letting it go unnoticed. that is my 2 cents but I would like the more seasoned vets to tune in. Stay well!
mtb my feeling would be that as an alpha you don't reward bad behavior but just letting it go unnoticed. that is my 2 cents but I would like the more seasoned vets to tune in. Stay well!
That's kind of what I was thinking too. But I also don't want to reward her by giving her attention...
I also heard from another friend that she's going around showing the screenshot of the snapchat video of her sleeping I mentioned in an earlier thread and telling people that I broke in her house and took that video. I'm nearly 100% positive she took it herself. The caption metioned she always liked to sleep with her head covered, so you couldn't even see anyone in the screenshot. Weird thing is, she's extremely claustrophobic and wouldn't sleep with her head covered, but it sure makes a good story and pretty easy to take the video herself to send to OM to get his attention and make me look bad. I'm just getting tired of her running my name through the mud...
Wow, that s crazy town stuff. I can t understand her reasons for doing that....I guess making you look bad makes her feel better about her crappy decisions, but if she knows she s LYING about it? That, I don t get at all. I guess that s why they tell you here not to try to make sense of what the WAS does...because it doesn t make sense and in the meantime you make yourself crazy trying to make sense of their crazy.
Wow, thats crazy town stuff. I cant understand her reasons for doing that....I guess making you look bad makes her feel better about her crappy decisions, but if she knows shes LYING about it? That, I dont get at all. I guess thats why they tell you here not to try to make sense of what the WAS does...because it doesnt make sense and in the meantime you make yourself crazy trying to make sense of their crazy.
Wow, thats crazy town stuff. I cant understand her reasons for doing that....I guess making you look bad makes her feel better about her crappy decisions, but if she knows shes LYING about it? That, I dont get at all. I guess thats why they tell you here not to try to make sense of what the WAS does...because it doesnt make sense and in the meantime you make yourself crazy trying to make sense of their crazy.
The only way I can make sense of it is that she can't get what she wants (sympathy and attention) by going around saying "I walked out on my husband and kids so I could cheat and do drugs. I have seen my kids for a combined time of 20 hours in the past 6 months" Instead she uses "my husband is crazy. He beats me, abuses the kids, and breaks into my house to take videos of me" because that gets her the attention she wants. Also probably helps alleviate any guilt...
I was wondering... The next time I talk to W do I bring up the fact that she is making these false accusations against me and call her out, or do I just ignore it?...
It will look like you're keeping tabs on her...if she brings up the subject then address IMO.
She's so dumb. Who desserts their kids if they are being abused? "MTB beats me and the kids so I left my kids with him. " Of course a lying druggie doesn't think things through too well.
She's so dumb. Who desserts their kids if they are being abused? "MTB beats me and the kids so I left my kids with him. " Of course a lying druggie doesn't think things through too well.
My thoughts exactly, Steve. She's not doing herself any favors. Getting validation from her new friends as a trade off for looking foolish when we finally go to court. Surely the court system will see right through it all when the time comes...
Been having a hard time detaching lately. WW has been on my mind a lot lately. Had dreams about her the past several nights. In some, she comes back very remorseful and we work things out, and in others she's very cold and still cheating. Always wake up during the dreams with a horrible feeling of missing her. I can't understand how I can have feelings for someone that is treating me so badly and saying such awful things about me. I know for certain I have no desire to be with the woman she has become, but I guess buried deep inside me there has to be some little spark of hope that I can't seem to extinguish...
mtb - I had some dreams of my W also . I guess it just grasping at what used to be. I too believe that I do not wish to be with the woman she has become. As Steve85 says stay the course - trust in God. Stay Well!
mtb - I had some dreams of my W also . I guess it just grasping at what used to be. I too believe that I do not wish to be with the woman she has become. As Steve85 says stay the course - trust in God. Stay Well!
The pastmonth or so I have gone completely dark unless it's something that involves the kids. The few times we have had contact, I've caught myself being kinda cold towards her due to a lot of resentment for the crap she's been pulling lately. I've wondered recently if I should be trying harder to be more warm and friendly in a detached way. The two reasons I have for thinking this are 1) maybe my pleasant attitude will have an effect on her and she'll stop the slandering and 2) I really do love her and I want her to get the help she needs. I'm afraid by being to dark and distant/cold during the few interactions is just pushing her deeper into her hole of despair. I'm in no way considering being her friend or plan B by any means, but more of the friendly neighbor. The problem is, right now EVERYTHING is still my fault. She can't find a job, my fault... CEFS cutting back on her assistance, my fault... can't find the birth certificates immediately, my fault. She actually sent a text during our last interaction a week ago saying "I'm done with you f*cking me over!" when I didn't have the birth certificates immediately. I'm just confused as h3ll right now. Part of me wants to continue doind what I have been doing, and another part of me wants to show her I'm not the jerk she has convinved herself I am. Keep in mind, she has some serious issues and it probably won't matter what I do. I don't know. Just venting here a bit...
mtb - I had some dreams of my W also . I guess it just grasping at what used to be. I too believe that I do not wish to be with the woman she has become. As Steve85 says stay the course - trust in God. Stay Well!
Thanks Wolf... the dreams are the worst. I haven't been having them for quite a while, but now it's been multiple nights in a row... It $ucks...
The dreams are definitely hard. I dreamt the other night that H put his wedding band back on. There was kind of a funny aspect of it though, in my dream I wanted to post about it here to see what you all thought of the turn of events. I woke thinking that was kind of funny, that posting here about a change in my marriage was part of my dream.
Yes be warm and pleasant in your interactions. Be that to a fault. But still be detached. Don't initiate contact ever unless its an emergency. But when you respond be sweeter than punch.
Yes be warm and pleasant in your interactions. Be that to a fault. But still be detached. Don't initiate contact ever unless its an emergency. But when you respond be sweeter than punch.
I am going to have to put more effort into this. Anytime she contacts me, it is usually because she wants money or something. When I say no, she starts spewing venom. It is hard to come across as pleasant when she is in that mode. I am not mean or anything, but I get very short and the conversation always ends with her being angry. I would give anything for her to go back to being her old self, but I know there is nothing I can do about that. It is up to her to make those changes...
She also gets very angry when I do not respond to her generic texts...
Stopped by the local bar that the W used to work and was recently barred from for a couple beers before I went to the grocery store. Had several people come up to me and tell me she had been saying that she says I showed up at her house recently and slammed her head on a wall. Tried to show them a nonexistent bruise on her forehead. As sad as all this is, I'm glad and upset that I heard this all at the same time. I'm upset because none of it is true and it $ucks that she is doing this and trying to make me look bad. On the other hand, I'm glad because it sure makes it a lot easier to detach. The past few days I've been struggling with detaching. I've had thoughts that I need to be more welcoming and accomodating to her in case she has a change of heart and wants to R. But now I realize she is just completely nuts and there is no way I want to be with someone that does things like that. The bartender there also informed me that she was up there a few weeks ago talking about how she asked me for money and I wouldn't give her any, so she broke into the house and stole the silver coins I had mentioned in a previous thread. She's just crazy and I need to get over her and move on. Never in my life did I think I would be dealing with a situation like this...
Stay strong mtb. You must focus on your children now. You can not control her mind, keep all that gossip away. Detach.
Hang in there mtb, there is light at the end of that tunnel.
Youre on a low brother. You helped me through probably the worst low ive seen thus far in the last 2 weeks. Your roller coaster is headed up MTB, just hang in there.
It sounds like your sitch might reach a catalyst point. Your WW seems to be becoming more and more unglued and it seems to me the locals arent buying her BS. Your persistence, strength and perseverance have been noticed not only by the locals but your kids im sure too.
Wit hthe way you have handled all she has thrown at you, i dont think youre a lighthouse MTB, youre The Colossus of friggin Rhodes.
Thanks, guys... I haven't had any contact with her for a little over a week. She sent a couple texts on Wed and tried to call on Fri, but I never responded to either. It's just a matter of time before she pops up. Not quite sure how I'm gonna handle it. Part of me just wants to keep doing what I've been doing and the other part wants to call her out on her BS. I really just want to ask, "Hey, what's with all this. Have you really convinced yourself that I show up at your place in the middle of the night an slam your head against walls? Seriously, what's with that? We both know it's not true, so why keep saying it?". I'd like to see her reaction and response to that. I meet with the lawyer tomorrow to go over the paperwork before he sends it in. I'm really having a hard time with this. Especially the financial aspect of it. It really grinds my gears that I might have to give her half of everything I've worked for my entire life. Half my retirement fund, the equity on the house, spousal maintenance, etc. Why should I have to pay her for ruining our lives? I feel like the big loser in this whole deal. I never wanted any of this, but yet she gets to walk out and get handed a chunk of money to continue on her warpath. It's a bunch if bull$hit...
I can say this. The financials will likely not work out like you expect, you probably wont get a raw deal there.
File first if thats the route youre going. Being the petitioner has its advantages.
And.....i know this may sting, but you may want to consider protecting yourself with a Rest. Order.
She is too volitile.
I know, my RO sux and is a pain in the D process, butyou need to be safe for you and your kids. What if some of the S**t she is throwing at the walls eventually sticks and you end up in legal trouble for something your innocent of.
I know how that feels and it is crap.
Id ask your L about it.
I can say this. The financials will likely not work out like you expect, you probably wont get a raw deal there.
File first if thats the route youre going. Being the petitioner has its advantages.
And.....i know this may sting, but you may want to consider protecting yourself with a Rest. Order.
She is too volitile.
I am the one filing. As much as I don't want to, I need to do what is best for me and the kids. I also planned on bringing up the RO or OOP tomorrow when I talk to the L. I just need her to stay away from me. She's lost it. With the stories she's been telling everyone, I am afraid she's going to pull something like coming over to see the kids or pick something up and then trying to say I hit her or something. I also plan on having my phone out and videoing everything that goes on if she does show up. I can't afford not to...
mtb, I know the system [censored], but it is in place for a reason (so someone can't walk away with everything). Look at it as a fee to get her toxicity out of your and your kids lives. I assume you are going for full custody? That should help some with the financials.
I like OK's suggestion on the restraining order. I don't think there is much chance of it without any physical abuse. However, you do have a history with her and the police and they'll have reports on that that could help you, but I still think it will be a slim chance of approval.
I am supportive of you mentioning it to her about the false accusations. I would do it very business like, and not passive-aggressive. Something along the lines of "I've heard from a lot of people that you have been spreading false accusations about me. What is the purpose of trying to drag my name through the mud when you know I've done nothing to deserve any of this?" You can ask her to stop, but it isn't likely to work. Also, if you live in a state that allows for one party of a conversation to secretly record the other party I would do it. In my state you can. In states like California you can't, which is stupid. Make sure you are within your rights for that though since some of those wiretapping charges can be felonies.
mtb, as I said, you've put up with more than any other poster here. I know D stinks, and having to pay her to go away stinks. But one day you'll look back and realize you are better for all of this. You are still young. If I was 36 and my W cheated on me I would cut her loose like a bad habit! There are so many more options out there when you are still young.
Thanks, Steve. Yes, I am going for full custody. So if I get that, it will help. In this state you cannot secretly record someone. However, you do not need their consent. You just have to tell them they are being recorded. That is my plan if W shows up at the house. Just pull out the phone and tell her I am going to record the whole time she is there. I know it will piss her off, but whatever. I need to make sure I am covered...
mtg
I need a very serious chat with you. NOW. This minute.
You must be grey rock, medium chill and BIFF.
Keep your cards close to your chest and STFU.
You can't out crazy or truth bomb them. It makes everything WORSE. Do not prod the bear.
Usually I just give my view, this time it's with bells on it. Please Google mistakes men make in D and high conflict D.
Get a security camera, you are allowed one of those. This woman is crazy loco, nuts and off her trolley. Scrambled eggs for brains with tomato sauce. Ww is seriously decompensating and it could go anywhere. It's beyond your pay grade and it's shocking.
Dangerous in a different way to Orange WW who is a cold calculator (anti social), your WW is a hot reactor (histrionic) addicted and compulsive.
You are being 'smeared' and it can get WORSE. If not more ludicrous.
You can not 'nice' this. Surfer is your go threads to for a disordered spouse. You might read Schermann too.
You are going to have to take what I say on trust for now, do not provoke the sleeping bear. It's easy to forget you are draining the swamp when you are knee deep in crocodiles.
Also even if you gave WW almost everything it will be worth it. I know that's tough and you can fight for your side.
On recording, generally it's a fine rather than anything else (courts have too much to do than prosecute all recorders of events) and WW would have to take legal action for compensation . So even if not permitted if it protects you do it, it can't be evidence but it can be protective if she comes at you. Likely not a criminal but civil offence.
This stuff scares me.
V
Oh yes and do not take out your phone, she will go for it in anger. It could get smashed and you might get angry. So NOT like that.
You can't touch her at all, in abuse a scratch trumps a bruise. Courts generally see the male as the aggressor. So if you are going to record do it without drama.
If threatened lock yourself in a bathroom somewhere, ring the police and say you are under threat and record all of it.
V
Thanks, V... Luckily she hasn't been around or contacted me much. I hope it stays this way. I plan on STFU. Histrionic decribes her to a tee...
I just met with my L and went over the paperwork for the divorce. I am going for full custody and a majority of parenting time. I may be on the hook for spousal maintenance, which $ucks, but is worth it in the end I guess. I hate that this is happening. I wish I could have my old W back, but I understand she is not her anymore...
mtb - be the ROCK- be the stable parent. Do what is best for your kids. Stay Well!
Thanks, V... Luckily she hasn't been around or contacted me much. I hope it stays this way. I plan on STFU. Histrionic decribes her to a tee...
I just met with my L and went over the paperwork for the divorce. I am going for full custody and a majority of parenting time. I may be on the hook for spousal maintenance, which $ucks, but is worth it in the end I guess. I hate that this is happening. I wish I could have my old W back, but I understand she is not her anymore...
She may come back at some point. Who knows. By then you may very well be way past it and not interested.
Hang in there. Light at the end of the tunnel.
My friend that works at the same place as OM informed me yesterday that he thinks OM has dropped the W. Not that it really matters because she's still a crazy WW. They could have just taken things further underground too. But with her current state and actions, it wouldn't surprise me if he got a glimpse of her true self and got tired of her BS. Oh well... either way, I'm just gonna keep on keeping on...
My friend that works at the same place as OM informed me yesterday that he thinks OM has dropped the W. Not that it really matters because she's still a crazy WW. They could have just taken things further underground too. But with her current state and actions, it wouldn't surprise me if he got a glimpse of her true self and got tired of her BS. Oh well... either way, I'm just gonna keep on keeping on...
Or he found an OW. Cheaters gonna cheat. Cheaters that cheat with cheaters, cheat on cheaters.
bump for blackmac. mtb, you should pop into blackmac's thread.
Checking in. Now I'm going to have to read from the beginning. Heh.
Checking in. Now I'm going to have to read from the beginning. Heh.
Buckle up and get the popcorn ready...
Struggling a bit today with a decision. I talked to the L a few days ago and we went over the paperwork. I told him to give me a few days to go over it a few more times and I'd get back to him. Just not sure if I'm ready to pull the trigger. I took my vows seriously, but at the same time I've put up with a lot of $hit lately. Part of me wonders if WW is going through an early MLC. She has some serious childhood issues she has never dealt with. She's made absolutely no contact for a week now. Last time was a single phone call last Friday that I did not answer. She has been staying away and not causing the problems she has been the past few months. I feel like I have not given her enought time to come out of whatever it is she's going through and filing the papers for D is doing all the work for her. Somewhere deep inside, I feel like I should continue to stand. To show her that I haven't given up on her. At the same time, she has been very slanderous and I feel it's possible she may not come out of it. This is a huge life decision, and I don't want to make any rushed decisions. This is by far one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make...
I know we're not supoosed to believe anything they say and only half of what they do. But a couple weeks ago, when she lasr stopped by the house, we had a pretty good interaction. I know I can't put any validity into this, but nevertheless, she was pleasant and so was I. Then there was a few random texts that she sent that I did not respond to. Followed by one that said she thought things were getting better between us and she was hurt that I was treating her like that (not replying). 99% of me knows that it was just manipulation, but that 1% makes me wonder if our good interaction that day was making her think. I wonder if I should have replied to her texts and continued to be cordial. Showing her that I am not her enemy. Started to be dim instead of dark just to see what would have happened. Too late for that now. I know eventually she will contact me again and I will have a chance to show a positive version of me. The man only a fool would leave...
I was advised several times that D can be stopped or withdrawn at any point. That still plays on my mind sometimes, but i know D is going to happen, it needs to.
That was easily the hardest decision to make, and it was kind of of still out of my hands, i made that call rashly and based on emotion.
Sit on it for a few days, maybe even set a deadline for yourself.
Im afraid of your WW thinking that if things can be patched up that all of her behavior of late has been forgiven and is something she will try to sweep under the rug. Doesnt strike me as the type to accept accountability for it, at least not in her current mindset.
Has she ever confirmed or denied the drug use?
Im afraid of your WW thinking that if things can be patched up that all of her behavior of late has been forgiven and is something she will try to sweep under the rug. Doesnt strike me as the type to accept accountability for it, at least not in her current mindset.
Has she ever confirmed or denied the drug use?
There will be no sweeping under the rug. If R were to happen, she will need to take accountability, show remorse, and get professional help for the underlying issues. But like you say, in her current mindset, I don't think she's capable of it. Only time will tell...
As far as drug use, she has both confirmed and denied. There have been times when she used right in front of me. Hard to deny that. She is usually pretty open to admitting it. However there are times when it gets bad, and she denies, denies, denies. At this moment in time, I can almost guarantee you she would deny and claim that she's been clean for awhile. I highly doubt she has though. It's really weird. Sometimes she has moments of clarity where she admits there is a problem, other times she's in complete denial...
Right now, I'm thinking of hanging tight with the D. Wait it out for a bit. If the $hit hits the fan, all I have to do is make a phone call to pull the trigger. Of course this whole thing is a rollercoaster, so hard telling how I will feel about it all in a few days...
mtb, your MLC is dangerous thinking. I know because if you read my threads you'll see I was there too. I had one of the veterans here point out to me that you better hope it isn't a MLC. MLCs are not necessarily temporary. At least not for a long time. MLCs aren't like waywardness, where reality can snap them out of it. MLCs can become the new norm. Waywardness is often times mistaken for a MLC because many of the symptoms are the same. But MLC resolution can take years, where waywardness is usually broken by reality.
Now the temptation here is to say your WW has had a lot of reality so it must be a MLC. Not necessarily. She has had at least two enablers, the uncle and OM, that have kept her from her reality. Also, early on you too were enabling her hoping to nice her back.
The trigger pull is up to you, mtb. However you need to be careful to think that her manipulation is things improving. The way you know that a wayward is over it is by consistently non-wayward behavior over a long period of time. Her silence is scary because she has shown that she is capable of massive slanderous lies. Do not take her silence as a good sign either. Likely she is telling everyone she encounters what she told the few people that told you. Also, she has shown the ability to use many and various tactics to manipulate you. Silence may just be another tactic.
So the question is, are you ready to move on? Or do you want to keep trying to wait her out? Has anything she's done made it so that you don't even want her to come back or are you able to completely forgive her of everything?
Yes there is a lot to think about. No there is nothing saying you have to pull the trigger now.
So give it some more time. See if things continue to moderate. I'd also ask her about the slander next time she reaches out. She should know that her lies have made it back to you. See how he reacts to you confronting that head on.
That's what's scary, Steve. I'm not wishing for a MLC, I'm just afraid that's what it might be because I can see this going on for a LONG time or even forever for that matter...
And I've thought about the forgiveness aspect of this whole sitch long and hard. And if she truly showed remorse, accepted accountability, and went through the necessary steps of getting professional help, I know I can forgive her and work towards R. In a way, I feel like I already have. I know that a lot of what she is going through is due to unsesolved childhood issues. Whether or not she makes the positive changes she needs to, I forgive her for what she has done. I have to forgive her, because if I don't it's just negativity that I'm going to have to carry around for the rest of my life. And I truly do love her. Damn near unconditionally. I'm not sure there is anything she could ever do that would make me stop loving her. Don't get me wrong, there are many things she could do that would make me never want to be in a R with her again. But those are two separate things IMO...
And I've thought about the forgiveness aspect of this whole sitch long and hard. And if she truly showed remorse, accepted accountability, and went through the necessary steps of getting professional help, I know I can forgive her and work towards R. In a way, I feel like I already have. I know that a lot of what she is going through is due to unsesolved childhood issues. Whether or not she makes the positive changes she needs to, I forgive her for what she has done. I have to forgive her, because if I don't it's just negativity that I'm going to have to carry around for the rest of my life. And I truly do love her. Damn near unconditionally. I'm not sure there is anything she could ever do that would make me stop loving her. Don't get me wrong, there are many things she could do that would make me never want to be in a R with her again. But those are two separate things IMO...
MTB, you just put my thoughts into words. This is beautifully written, and i agree with it, not only for your sitch but mine as well.
I just dont think my wife is WW, WAW or MLC. I think its deeper than that for her.
Take the weekend, chill, get outside and really clear your head.
Meditate.
One step ahead of you, Orange. Sitting at a buddys house chilling by the pool with the kids right now. Tomorrow we are celebrating my grandmas 100th birthday at the lake lot. And Sunday we are having breakfast with my parents for fathers day and then heading to another friends house for a pool party and cookout. 4 wheelers for the kids to ride, horses, etc... we are all gonna be beat by the time Monday rolls around. Hahaha....
This woman is like Beetlejuice.
I was just talking to a friend about her and we said her name 3 times. Sure enough, she sent a text.
Do you have plans with the kids tonight?
I sent back we are at friends house watching his son.
His grandma is not doing well and he needed to go to the hospital.
This is all true.
We were all just hanging out and he got a call that he needed to leave and asked if I could stick around and watch his son. Have not heard back from her yet
OK forgiveness.
You Do not have to forgive to let go of resentment. My thoughts are quite straightforward, forgiveness isn't my job. It is between the wayward G and his higher spirit. It's not between me and him. I deal with my stuff and he deals with his.
Some things are unforgivable, truly unforgivable. And to forgive may cause stress to you. Thinking you have to forgive when you struggle with it is going to cause great stress to you.
When you reach the land of Nah and Meh then it doesn't matter. It's the screw you philosophy and go to hell because I don't care.
Cheating lying, scheming and messing with your head is unforgivable. So don't force it. If it's your nature and can do so if it helps you then yes of course.
For those of us who have been abused and betrayed, who have anger, lovely white clean anger, there is no need. I think to let go of bitterness and bile is great and so necessary.
There may be a time of forgiveness for the pathetic. In the meanwhile if you don't want to forgive don't.
I don't hate the G, I just don't forgive him.
V
I like your perspective, V... maybe I am confusing forgiveness with letters not to of resentment. I do not really know. But I do believe that I have forgiven her. I have no resentment at least. I never really struggled with it, but I did think long and hard about it. It was not forced, but it was given a lot of consideration. Like I said earlier, I may be confusing forgiveness with letting go of resentment, but the more I think about it, they might be the same thing in my mind...
Full context of text interaction with W yesterday...
WW:Just got my phone on. What are the kids plans tonight?
Me:We're at (friend's) house watching (son). His grandma isnt doing well and he had to go to the hospital.
WW: I'm sorry to hear that. So you probably want them to hang out there with (son)? Plans tomorrow and Sunday?
Me: If you want to take them tonight you can. Tomorrow is grandma's 100th birthday party and Sunday is Father's Day.
WW:What time is grandma's thing tomorrow? I was wanting to take them to moms one night. Obviously tonight it's too late to go there. I was gonna stop by and see them. I wanted them also for a few hours so they could do your Father's day gift.
Me: We will be at the party tomorrow from 1 to at least 5
That was the end of the convo. I feel that I handled it well. This is the first time in a long while she hasn't been hounding me for money or something. Not sure what to think about it. Really not gonna put much thought into it either...
yeah i bet she never says another word about all of that
Rhetoric on her part.
Pure bullsh@t waffle junk.
V
Hey MTB, hope your Fathers Day went well, and hopefully somewhat uneventful.
Hey MTB, hope your Fathers Day went well, and hopefully somewhat uneventful.
It did. Thanks. Hope yours went well too...
yeah i bet she never says another word about all of that
Rhetoric on her part.
Pure bullsh@t waffle junk.
V
You guys were right. No mention of it again. Although I did get a text from her on Saturday while at my grandma's party asking me to tell my grandma happy birthday and that she loves her. But I will refer back to V's quoted post concerning this text...
Well... W is at it again with the birth certificates. Sent a text asking if I'd put them in the mailbox for her. I told her no. That they sat in the mailbox for 3 days last time and I didn't see any reason to help her since she was going around spreading lies about me. She asked "What lies?" I said telling everyone that I beat you, slam your head in car doors, etc.. Her response was "Slam my head in car doors? Who says I told them that?" Followed by "I've not been spreading lies. Anything I've told someone has not been a lie. If I believed everything people said about you, I wouldn't even be talking to you" I don't do a damn thing, so I'm not sure what she could even be referring to. Oh yeah, I forgot. Scrambled eggs for brains. Anyway, she said she was going to come over with the cops and get the birth certificates and "her stuff". All of her things have been out of here for months. I told her if she wanted the birth certificates, she could come get them today during the day before 5. Reason being, I won't be here. I am afraid to be around her by myself. I have had several people tell me that she has been trying to show them bruises on her face, saying that I beat her recently. I'm afraid she has reached the point of self harm to try to convince people that I am abusive towards her. The last thing I need is her coming by the house, going home and smacking her head on a table a few times, and then heading into the police to say I did it. My mom will be here today watching the kids while I go to work, so if she wants the birth certificates so bad, she can get them from her...
Save those texts so you can show her denials!!
It sounds like you are already doing it, but be careful, cover your @ss and document every interaction you have with WW. She sounds absolutely nuts and unstable.
MTB, seems like it comes in waves of lunacy, then calm, then lunacy, then calm. Both our WW's do it.
We should start tracking lunar charts or something.
Yours is volatile and confrontational, mine is cold and calculating.
Like the Joker and Lex Luther.
Stay frosty brother. she doesnt have a leg to stand on, the cops have her number. Document Document Document.