Advice on my Scenario Pt. 7 - Onward and Upward

Link to Old Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2789904#Post2789904

Originally Posted By: Joseph9

O - I get the anger, I really do and it [censored]. I am 44 years old with a 9 and 7 year old and last year my W just told me 1 day she was done and 3 weeks later she was gone.

Now I see my kids 1.2 the time, am paying child support and all of our savings has been split in half.

I get it.......it's ok to vent. Your early on. Try to start thinking about how you can channel that anger in a positive direction.

1 minute, 1 hour, 1 day at a time.

Today its more bumming out that anger, but I know that all i can to is cut the cords and walk away. I was blindsided, but If i languish where I am at, nothing will improve.

Excersize has been very helpful, and i have a 3 day weekend coming up. I havent been able to sleep in or had 3 days off in a row in ages. it will really help me recharge i think. I plan on doing a midnight hike, hitting the climbing walls, i have tickets to my favorite band. Itll be a good healing weekend.

I was blindsided as well, so were our children. It took me about 1.5 months before I could remotely function and about 3 months before I felt some what normal. Yes...exercise, exercise, exercise.....I can't stress it enough.

You will cycle, anger, sadness, feeling good, etc. etc. My darkest days were when I had my children because my mind would wonder to what my EW was doing with her free time. Yes, GAL is critical but there are periods when you will be alone at home with your thoughts. Just try to minimize.

I called my mom every morning and every evening on the way home from work and at times would just start crying for no reason. It was brutal, not going to lie.

Just know it is temporary and you will start to feel better. You just have to give yourself time. Everyone greaves differently but I can tell you that taking it out on your EW will not make you feel any better and you will heal quicker if you stick to NC/dark as you can get.

Remember it is not your responsibility to punish your EW.....that will happen in time as it should.

You'll be just fine.

Originally Posted By: Joseph9

Just know it is temporary and you will start to feel better. You just have to give yourself time. Everyone greaves differently but I can tell you that taking it out on your EW will not make you feel any better and you will heal quicker if you stick to NC/dark as you can get.

Slowly but surely, i can see this happening.

Originally Posted By: Joseph9

Remember it is not your responsibility to punish your EW.....that will happen in time as it should.

I know it will. If youve read what WW is like, you know all she did was reset the time bomb.

Id love to pick your brain about Divorce process, as that is definitely going to happen, hopefully quickly.

Any advice in that regard would be a huge help Joseph.

I have followed your sitch, just haven't commented as much. Your W moving out and you getting space is the best thing that has happened to you. FWIW. You need to leave her be. If the arrangement is pick up and drop with MIL then stick to it.

The best advice I can give you on the D process is the more that you and your W can come together and agree for the benefit of your S the easier it will be on everyone. That may require you to take the high road in certain situations so she doesn't drag you into the weeds.

You will have to decide what is most important to you and what you will not waiver on. Hold firm on those things, 50/50 split with your kids, and anything else you find important. The other stuff you may give in on. For me it was the kids and the house. After that I didn't give a $hit.....she could take anything else from the house that she wanted. Some things aren't worth the fight but some LBS's want to fight everything and make things more difficult than they need to be because they are pissed off, want to prove a point and make issues that shouldn't be issues.

Think about your non-negotibles.

Was reading through you last bunch of posts in your prior thread.

We all feel or felt similar Orange. We want so much for them to validate. We want them to know they were wrong.
To validate that the object that is actually black, and that we keep insisting is black is not white like they are saying.

In her mind, she is not wrong. What she did, her actions got her what she wants. A baby, most likely child support from you, attention from ex, from other men, from you. She gets the excitement of new relationships and worship, she gets pity from people who feel like she was abused and needed a restraining order. She makes you look bad for any future legal issues with RO nyndrawing first blood. Jow is that wrong?

In her mind she was not wrong because she was able to get exactly what she wanted.

She functions on an entirely different code of morals, and ethics. Her values are different so you see black and she sees white.

Trying to rationalize with someone like that is like trying to rationalize against a fundamentalist that votes against his best interests.

Its like trying to get Jeffrey Dahmer to feel remorse for killing children.

These are souless and empty and self serving people.

The only way to deal with them is by keeping a cool and detached disposition, staying alpha and in control, never showing weakness. Like if you worked in a prison, i imagine.

Prepare legally. Get advise from mens groups if you cant afford a lawyer. It varies state to state.

Regarding D, OK, be prepared to do all of the heavy lifting for the divorce. From what we know of your W she will probably not engage much directly, and will only do things through her attorney. And if you do it before the RO is up you won't even be able to discuss things with her directly. Also, from your tax situation (whatever happened with that by the way?) you will have more direct contact with her mom than you will with her.

Good luck in whatever you decide, know that we are pulling for the best possible outcome for you!

Originally Posted By: Joseph9

The best advice I can give you on the D process is the more that you and your W can come together and agree for the benefit of your S the easier it will be on everyone. That may require you to take the high road in certain situations so she doesn't drag you into the weeds.

I dont see her being amicable enough to "Come together" on anything anytime soon, but I will be the lighthouse.

Originally Posted By: Joseph9

You will have to decide what is most important to you and what you will not waiver on. Hold firm on those things, 50/50 split with your kids, and anything else you find important. The other stuff you may give in on. For me it was the kids and the house. After that I didn't give a $hit.....she could take anything else from the house that she wanted. Some things aren't worth the fight but some LBS's want to fight everything and make things more difficult than they need to be because they are pissed off, want to prove a point and make issues that shouldn't be issues.

Think about your non-negotibles.

All the belongings are already split, no assets, property, or finances to split.
All that will come into play is going to be 2017 taxes and childcare stuff.

Originally Posted By: Steve85

Regarding D, OK, be prepared to do all of the heavy lifting for the divorce. From what we know of your W she will probably not engage much directly, and will only do things through her attorney. And if you do it before the RO is up you won't even be able to discuss things with her directly. Also, from your tax situation (whatever happened with that by the way?) you will have more direct contact with her mom than you will with her.

Good luck in whatever you decide, know that we are pulling for the best possible outcome for you!

The taxes got an extension, and i was told "it can be dealt with after the TRO is lifted" by MIL. Then weeks later the TRO was extended a year. So it will likely be handled in Court now, if she files as single she will owe like $1500. she screwed up her W4 at the beginning of 2017, so she had way less deducted that she should have.
Not my problem anymore. She can deal with that herself.
She doesnt have a lawyer, neither do i. We are both going in Pro Se.

Yeah, I wouldn't trust that........I think she'll probably get a divorce attorney pretty quickly once you file.

O - My EW and I went pro se as well and used 1 L to draw up the paperwork that we both agreed on. Is that what you are doing?

Who is going to draw up your decree to present to the judge for him to sign off on?

Originally Posted By: JujuB

In her mind, she is not wrong. What she did, her actions got her what she wants. A baby, most likely child support from you, attention from ex, from other men, from you. She gets the excitement of new relationships and worship, she gets pity from people who feel like she was abused and needed a restraining order. She makes you look bad for any future legal issues with RO nyndrawing first blood. Jow is that wrong?

Its deplorable but understandable after i know who she really is.
Child Support - No way, not happening, i have done more than 50% of the childcare since she chose to leave our home and financial umbrella. Her choices crippled me financially. I will not pay her child support. 50/50 split with no child support going either way, or i will get custody and she can pay me. Im not budging on this.

Originally Posted By: JujuB

In her mind she was not wrong because she was able to get exactly what she wanted.

Well see who gets the last laugh.

Originally Posted By: JujuB

She functions on an entirely different code of morals, and ethics. Her values are different so you see black and she sees white.

She doesn't have a different code of morals. She just doesn't have them. She is an emotionless harlot, plain and simple. Dead inside.

Originally Posted By: JujuB

Trying to rationalize with someone like that is like trying to rationalize against a fundamentalist that votes against his best interests.

Its like trying to get Jeffrey Dahmer to feel remorse for killing children.

These are souless and empty and self serving people.

The only way to deal with them is by keeping a cool and detached disposition, staying alpha and in control, never showing weakness. Like if you worked in a prison, i imagine.

Why does indifference bother the WW or Narcissist so much?
If you look at Sandi's response where she talks about how she will start to warm to me when she gets married or when i am dating a new woman. I get that the WW is illogical, but this is just craziness.
I would love for someone to explain this phenomenon better.
Why do they only look back when its too late?
After they have justified SO MUCH crazy behavior to themselves?
How can any WW honestly expect anything but a "F You" when they decide they want to start being friendly again and trying to slither back into their old life? Its disgusting.

[/quote]

I did all my own paperwork, including the Temp Decree. she hasn't presented me with her copies yet. There is no agreeing or mutual discussions about D at all.

We haven't spoken a word about it to each-other, other than her telling me on Jan 24th the day i earned my TRO
WW: "I was pissed when you put the divorce on hold, i wasn't sure if i wanted one before but now i definitely do!"
Me: "Fine then you can file, you made this mess, you can do what you want to clean it up. I gave you options to fix this and you threw them all in my face"

Originally Posted By: Steve85

Yeah, I wouldn't trust that........I think she'll probably get a divorce attorney pretty quickly once you file.

I filed Jan 18th, put it on hold Jan 19th, and took it off hold Feb 24th. Its been off hold since. She hasn't gotten a lawyer yet, she may after Tuesday, but i doubt it.
I think shes expecting this to be quick and easy. That's her expectation with all things in life.

Quote:

I did all my own paperwork, including the Temp Decree. she hasn't presented me with her copies yet. There is no agreeing or mutual discussions about D at all.

I get that...in my state we had to present 1 decree to the judge that we both agreed upon for him to sign. It wasn't her and I showing up with our own versions and him being our mediator or ruling on what he did or didn't agree with.

Is that not how it works where you live?

Originally Posted By: Joseph9

I get that...in my state we had to present 1 decree to the judge that we both agreed upon for him to sign. It wasn't her and I showing up with our own versions and him being our mediator or ruling on what he did or didn't agree with.

Is that not how it works where you live?

Yea pretty much, Esp where we cannot discuss the divorce amoungst ourselves. I would be willing to do this, but TRO. So, nope.

But you are going to have to talk eventually correct since you are going Pro Se? When does that happen? I guess I am confused about what this court date is going to solve since you don't have a decree that both of you have signed and agreed to?

When we had our court date that was the first question the judge asked us and commented on.

First Hearing is on Tuesday, we are supposed to have submitted all our paperwork prior to that date.

Temp. Decree
Parenting Plan
Financial Affidavit
Uniform Support Order
Child Support Guidelines
Temp Divorce certificate
and a bunch of others.

I assume what will happen is we both fill those out based off what we each want, and the judge will compare them.
The TRO has been noted to allow us to be IN COURT together and talk there, only. So this upcoming meeting will be the first opportunity i have to actually discuss anything with her pertaining to Divorce.

Then i imagine we will get another hearing scheduled and it will continue like that until we are done.

Quote:

I assume what will happen is we both fill those out based off what we each want, and the judge will compare them.

Can you do some research to make sure that this is the case for your state? I would hate for you to assume and this not be the case.

Let me rephrase that.
That is how the case manager i spoke with said it would happen.

Ok.. that makes me feel better

Just think about what your non-negotiables are. For me it was joint custody of the kids and I wanted to keep the house. The rest was a calculation based on state laws and some stuff I was flexible on that didn't really matter to me.

For example, I kept the car that has a lease on it with a larger payment because I make more. I gave her the car that was almost paid off and had a cheaper payment. We just calculated what it worth and she paid me 1/2 the equity in it (less what we owed).

She let me keep all of our tax return since I am on the hook for paying summer camps this summer during the weeks I have them. I agreed to carry the kids on my insurance but she agreed to carry them if I lost my job. Just little things like that.

She didn't nickel and dime me for everything we have in the house. I let her take whatever she wanted but she only has a 1000 sq ft apartment so she couldn't fit much in it. She didn't itemize everything and make me pay her for what she didn't take.

I pay her $850/mth in child support but that is largely due to the income disparity. In my state child support for 2 kids is 25% of your net income. So we each took 25% of our net incomes and I am paying her the difference (they call it off set child support). I have some buddies that have 50/50 and pay well over $1000 per month. I also didn't have to pay her any Alimony or Spousal support so I considered it mostly a win.

And not having any L's fees was a big plus.

But again every sitch is different and it really depends on the R between the two parties.

I was upset early on but I never did anything to make it worse or to create a poor R between the both of us and to her credit she didn't either but it was largely due to how I handled the sitch.

Trust me....I could have went off the rails.

Originally Posted By: Joseph9

Just think about what your non-negotiables are.

Not paying Child support. 50/50 means 50/50. I Will not pay child support, we will share any responsibilities. I am 1000% firm on this. [/quote]

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Originally Posted By: Joseph9

I pay her $850/mth

This would literally bankrupt me.

Between Divorce, WW being an evil half-@$$ing parent, being broke, car about to $hi7 the bed, mounting debt, and a dead end job among other things i honestly have to fight the temptation to drive till i run out of gas, scrap my car, and keep walking.

Im fresh out of give a $hi7, about any and all of this. Im not angry right now, just........apathetic and lacking the desire or motivation to do any of this anymore.

Honestly a homeless pilgrimage sounds awfully appealing right now. I know what you'll all say "stick it out" "you have S3 to worry about, he needs you" and so on. I get it, i do.
I never asked to be a parent and WW is just going to make my life a living hell for the next 2 decades. I simply dont want to do it.
Id rather bail.

Originally Posted By: OrangeK

Originally Posted By: Joseph9

Just think about what your non-negotiables are.

Not paying Child support. 50/50 means 50/50. I Will not pay child support, we will share any responsibilities. I am 1000% firm on this.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Originally Posted By: Joseph9

I pay her $850/mth

This would literally bankrupt me.
[/quote]

Eeeek, Your non-negotiable is a state calculated formula. It takes count for your salaries, even if you have 50/50. You may end up paying if you make more than her. And the law will side with her.

Bail it is then.

I get it....just do your research, find out what the state law is regarding child support and what the state law is regarding visitation, etc.

Me EW and I deviated from the state law because we only live 4 miles from each other and she never wanted full custody but visitation rights and child support are completely separate where I live. Also remember that her and I have an income disparity as well. If our incomes were equal I wouldn't have paid anything or not nearly as much. Additionally if she made more then she might have been paying me.

Visitation in my state for the non-custodial parent is every other weekend and I think one day during the week, like a Wednesday. If I signed up for that then I would be on the hook for the full 25% of my net income, not the difference.

I have a buddy who travels for his job and due to his schedule could not logistically keep his kids every other week so he just went with the state law. He is paying $2300 per month in support, gets his kids every other weekend and 1 night during the week.

Just make sure you know what your signing up for, what your rights are, etc. Don't sign up for anything that you are not comfortable with or are not fully educated on.

I spoke to several of my buddies that were D and went through the process so I got input from them and then I consulted with my friend who is a Judge as well and got his advice.

I can't stress enough to educate yourself.

Quote:

Not paying Child support. 50/50 means 50/50. I Will not pay child support, we will share any responsibilities. I am 1000% firm on this.

[/quote]

Just asking, b/c I don't know. Is one of the parents awarded physical custody, even though it is considered 50/50 as far as child visitation?

I never signed up for this Shi7. Im done

in my state if it's 50-50 the only thing that has chosen is what his actual residence town is which would determine what school he goes to. beyond that it can either be chosen that one of us is the legal guardian or that we split those decisions

i did my states child support estimator calculator.

It will be close to 25% of my monthly pay.
I am already barely treading water because of the $115 a month i have to pay in restitution.

This will literally destroy me financially. I will lose my son and be homeless.

Splendid.

You can't contact your W about the D can you? It sounds to me like the judge is going to be the ruling party in your situation. Do you think there is any way you and your W could come up with an agreement that doesn't involve the judge?

I know you have TRO in place. Does that restrict you from contacting her about the D?

"Defendant can only contact the plaintiff regarding childcare and may only contact via text/email/mail."

So no. i cannot discuss the D with her at all. Only in court with a judge present. I am going to get screwed.

I make 2600 a month, I have been flat broke for months and the calculator i just did to estimate childcare sets me as hving to pay $560 a month.

im screwed.

The only thing i could do would be contact MIL about it, and i know she wont help me at all, shes just as petty and vindictive as her wretched daughter.

What is your current parenting plan and are you giving her any money? Is there a wage difference? How are the bills currently divided? How long has this been in place?

Originally Posted By: Joseph9

What is your current parenting plan and are you giving her any money? Is there a wage difference? How are the bills currently divided? How long has this been in place?

What is your current parenting plan - Nothing in stone, but this is what we've been doing since seperation in Oct.
this is based around her schedule, as she works till 8pm

Sun - I pickup at 10am and have him all day and night

Mon - I drop off at school, meet up with MIL at 6pm to drop him off

Tues - She drops him at school, i pick him up and bring him to my grandparents so i can go to my fire dept meetings. She shows up around 8:45pm to pick him up (wayyy to late)

Wed - She has him All day, this is her day off, she brings him to school and goes out with OM instead of being with him on this day.

Thursday - She drops him at school in AM, i pick him up and have him overnight

Friday - I have him all day and night

Sat - I meetup with MIL and drop him off with them.
Rinse and repeat.

Are you giving her any money? - No, we have just been alternating weeks to pay for daycare. Other than that i buy all i need for him, and so does she. We just arranged to split a doctors bill when its due.

How are the bills currently divided? - See Above

How long has this been in place? - Since October 14th 2017

It looks like to me it is pretty 50/50 already if not leaning to you having him more. I would definitely make sure the judge is aware and let him know what your financial arrangement is and how all of the above has been in place for around 7 months.

Anything you can do and show to hopefully have him award 50/50 custody vs following state mandates.

Does the court try to avoid Child Support payments if possible? i can see how it would behoove both the court and both parties if it wasn't necessary.

I am certainly not a legal expert just sharing what I learned.

Where I live someone always pays support if there is a wage discrepancy even if coverage is 50/50. If not and someone is awarded full custody then obviously that person is paying.

IMO your best bet is that judge awards 50/50 or full custody to you. I think in either of those scenarios you would be paying the lowest amount of support or none if you get full custody.
This is assuming you make more than your W if 50/50 and if you got full custody then I assume your W follow the state law for support.

If the judge gives your W full custody then I assume the standard visitation rights would apply along with the state law of child support. Where I live it is 20% for 1 child, 25% for 2 and 30% for 3.

Again, I am not a legal expert but since you two can't or won't have the opportunity to reach an agreement on your own it sounds like the judge is going to decide.

I definitely think you already having 50/50 is in your favor. That is very positive to me.

i am very concerned about the TRO thing making the whole process bias, considering i wasnt actually charged or plead guilty, and i didnt do anything, but it makes me look like an abuser.....

Or it calls it into question since you still have 50/50 with your S. I don't think that would happen if you were an abuser they would have made some temporary custody changes as well. IMO

Do you think having requested to extend it will make her look bad?

I never put her in danger and she certainly cant prove that I did, so she just looks petty and manipulative IMO.
Im not a judge so i dont know how they weight these things.

I just hope to all hell she makes a fool of herself.

She was supposed to have presented me with copies of all her paperwork, She hasnt yet.

I don't know about all that....it will just depend on the judge and how he views the situation. That is why it is imperative that you have all of your ducks in a row, that your organized and have completed all of your responsibilities to present yourself in the best positive light.

My guess is the TRO will come up but I have no clue how much it will factor in on the decision.

Calmed down a bit after yesterdays mania over child support $$$. I guess i was jumping the gun, i havent had my hearing yet. Anything could happen, for a ll i know i could walk out of court skipping and happy on Tuesday. I need to stop getting myself worked up over things that havent happened yet, and may not.

Yes, it's good to have a game plan, but don't borrow problems from the future.. Be ready and prepared. Get professional advice if possible. It's okay to be anxious - you're human.

I wish i could afford for a lawyer to look at all this.
I know this hearing on Tuesday is just the first step of many, Im just freaked because if i get hit with $500 a month in child support im gonna be porked.

Damn, Loneliness is a thing for sure last few days.
Its all the small things you end up missing.
Watching her get ready in the morning.
Her cooking.
Inside jokes.
backrubs (this was a special thing)
watching our son sleep from the doorway to his room together.
Snuggling as a whole family in bed on Sundays then getting up to make them breakfast.
Wine and Steak Fridays.

Really blows to think these were all faked.

Well i am hoping for a quick week to go by so i can get my little mini vacation. Feeling a lot better now than this morning.
I guess i just hit spots of missing not being alone, and the lingering addiction to when i thought i was in a great R.
She really did an amazing job of pretending to be happy for a long time, and made me very happy in turn.

I cant really imagine that it was 100% fabricated on her end as far as emotion goes, but it still doesn't excuse her actions leading up to the affair, at all.

Its just so disappointing, but i have a date next week and im feeling good about that.

Onward and Upward!

Sandi or Vanilla

What about indifference seems to trigger pause in the WW?
What is it about the scenario that they have moved on or that their LBH has done so that causes them to start to have 2nd thoughts?

I have this feeling WW is so self absorbed and arrogant (although quietly, if you met her, youd think she was a humble sweetie pie, for a while)
that she is expecting that i will continue to be infatuated with her, which i feel is part of the reason she discards in the way she does, so if she ever decides to go back, that person (EX, OM, Me, whoever) is so happy and excited to hear from her that she can throw the hooks right back in.

As Sandi mentioned, when I am in a new R or she has married OM or someone else, that i could see this happen.
again - NOT HOPING FOR IT.
Just planning for it if it happens, i want to build my resolve so if and when it does, i will be able to resist it and think logically not emotionally or "as a man would".

Feeling better prepped for divorce hearing on Tuesday. I have thought up some good points to make in regards to not getting stuck with child support.

We have been splitting all expenses 50/50 since October,
She lives with her mom and doesnt pay rent, and because of the TRO her mother is doing all the driving for S3 so thats much less WW is spending on gas.

I however am paying rent to live where I do, i pay my half of daycare, plus all the gas to drive around for S3. I buy my own groceries for him, diapers/wipes, toys, clothes and so on. I really see no reason we should have to pay eachother anything, i dont want her money and she doesnt need or deserve mine. None of the money i would send her would go to S3 anyway, just in her pocket.

If i get an unfavorable setup, i will just contest it, and not sign agreement until it is fair. If i get court ordered stipulations i dont agree with, i will just appeal until the cows come home.

Emotionally, i have felt better the last few days.
I think the apathy / indifference about WW is starting to set in. I think about her a lot less than i used to, i haven't gotten the "twisty stomach" or increased heart rate when ive thought about her, or her and OM at all. My body is not reacting to that mental stimuli anymore like it used to.

I noticed for a long time i was comparing other women to WW and saying "no, they are not as attractive, nice, funny etc."
now i see her for what she truly is, and it makes her so UN-attractive to me, and im not comparing other women to her anymore, now i see redeeming qualities in other women and it interests me.
Its still a bit foggy and confused, but i really feel like my deep rooted emotions are catching up with my logical thoughts finally.

OrangeK,

I havent posted on your thread before, but I have been following it. It sounds like you are finally starting to really detach from what appears to be a very toxic person. Congrats on getting this far!

Sandi or Vanilla

What about indifference seems to trigger pause in the WW?

Time.

What is it about the scenario that they have moved on or that their LBH has done so that causes them to start to have 2nd thoughts?

They need a plan B.

I have this feeling WW is so self absorbed and arrogant (although quietly, if you met her, youd think she was a humble sweetie pie, for a while)
that she is expecting that i will continue to be infatuated with her, which i feel is part of the reason she discards in the way she does, so if she ever decides to go back, that person (EX, OM, Me, whoever) is so happy and excited to hear from her that she can throw the hooks right back in.

Let her. You know different. Not your circus not your monkeys.

As Sandi mentioned, when I am in a new R or she has married OM or someone else, that i could see this happen.
again - NOT HOPING FOR IT.

Mind reading and expectation on your part.

Just planning for it if it happens, i want to build my resolve so if and when it does, i will be able to resist it and think logically not emotionally or "as a man would".

It hasn't happened, it may never happen. If it ever does then cross that bridge then. Detach.

V

Originally Posted By: Davide

OrangeK,

I havent posted on your thread before, but I have been following it. It sounds like you are finally starting to really detach from what appears to be a very toxic person. Congrats on getting this far!

Thanks man i appreciate it

What about indifference seems to trigger pause in the WW?

Time.

Can you Elaborate here?

What is it about the scenario that they have moved on or that their LBH has done so that causes them to start to have 2nd thoughts?

They need a plan B.

Wouldn't they just go to a new person? Why try to mend fences with someone they hurt when they can just go start fresh? It seems to be some possessive or territorial trait.

I have this feeling WW is so self absorbed and arrogant (although quietly, if you met her, youd think she was a humble sweetie pie, for a while)
that she is expecting that i will continue to be infatuated with her, which i feel is part of the reason she discards in the way she does, so if she ever decides to go back, that person (EX, OM, Me, whoever) is so happy and excited to hear from her that she can throw the hooks right back in.

Let her. You know different. Not your circus not your monkeys.

True. Do you think this is accurate though?

As Sandi mentioned, when I am in a new R or she has married OM or someone else, that i could see this happen.
again - NOT HOPING FOR IT.

Mind reading and expectation on your part.

Again, not expectation. Preparation.

Just planning for it if it happens, i want to build my resolve so if and when it does, i will be able to resist it and think logically not emotionally or "as a man would".

It hasn't happened, it may never happen. If it ever does then cross that bridge then. Detach.

The whole point of asking was so i had a clear path across that bridge if it should arise. thats all.

Your W wants whatever she can't have. Based on what you've revealed, she is jealous & vindictive, too. That seem to be the case with EX BF.

Quote:

Wouldn't they just go to a new person? Why try to mend fences with someone they hurt when they can just go start fresh? It seems to be some possessive or territorial trait.

They don't really mend fences when they are wayward. They may deceive you into believing that's their intent. If she has an ulterior motive for wanting back the person she dumped, then it is not the same as her being remorseful and wanting another chance. I think she saw BF as more of a challenge to win him away from his new woman. That's why a WW may become more interested in the H she dumped after he gets someone new in his life. She may just want him b/c someone else wants him, and the minute she feels she "won" the challenge.....she loses interest again.

Don't confuse that ^^^^^ with a WW who realizes she is losing him, and she comes to her senses.......for real. If it wakes her up, so to speak, then it might be the beginning of her straightening up her life. But, it may be too late for another chance with the LBH, b/c he may have found someone new or just don't care to ever give her another opportunity to hurt him. Do you see the differences?

Quote:

The whole point of asking was so i had a clear path across that bridge if it should arise. thats all.

And my point in explaining how many WW's don't want a new woman replacing them in the LBH's life, was for you not to be blindsided......should it ever happen.

As I have said before, you are seeking logical answers to a very illogical mindset in the WW. Some things just can't be explained.

I don't see your W "waking up" (as if to come to her senses), b/c this has become her behavior pattern in relationships. I'm not saying she'll never change for the better somewhere down the road......but I don't think it will happen easily or anytime within the next few years. She has to realize this behavior does not work in her favor, and that may take most of her life to learn.................or maybe she just doesn't give a rip....IDK.

What about indifference seems to trigger pause in the WW?

Time.

When she is 90 and reflecting back on her life or after she is invited to hell.

Can you Elaborate here?

What is it about the scenario that they have moved on or that their LBH has done so that causes them to start to have 2nd thoughts?

They need a plan B.

They will do that as well. It is called cake. Wait until the LBS has resources go take them again, it's fun. They enjoy it, it's a challenge, with an antisocial they will soprano quite coldly and deliberately. Like a parasite reinvading a host.

Wouldn't they just go to a new person? Why try to mend fences with someone they hurt when they can just go start fresh? It seems to be some possessive or territorial trait.

I have this feeling WW is so self absorbed and arrogant (although quietly, if you met her, youd think she was a humble sweetie pie, for a while)
that she is expecting that i will continue to be infatuated with her, which i feel is part of the reason she discards in the way she does, so if she ever decides to go back, that person (EX, OM, Me, whoever) is so happy and excited to hear from her that she can throw the hooks right back in.

Let her. You know different. Not your circus not your monkeys.

Yes, it's accurate with anti socials.

True. Do you think this is accurate though?

As Sandi mentioned, when I am in a new R or she has married OM or someone else, that i could see this happen.
again - NOT HOPING FOR IT.

Mind reading and expectation on your part.

If you say so. Being M won't stop her, that's why being grey rock even breeze block is designed to keep the anti social from being interested. No sparkly stuff on your part means no interest from an anti social.

Again, not expectation. Preparation.

Just planning for it if it happens, i want to build my resolve so if and when it does, i will be able to resist it and think logically not emotionally or "as a man would".

It hasn't happened, it may never happen. If it ever does then cross that bridge then. Detach.

Stay grey rock, breeze block, medium chill, NC. In any case there is no clear path across any bridge. Cross the bridge and then burn it behind you in a scorched earth policy. Ask me how I know, I am a target too. Getting free has involved a great deal of money and cold hard breeze block. When you get there then we will post to you as each sitch is different every
time, it's weak to plan your strategy without seeing the terrain. To plan to move your pieces without seeing the chess board.

The whole point of asking was so i had a clear path across that bridge if it should arise. thats all.

V

it's amazing to me how little of a thing can make such a big difference, I saw her face clearly for the first time today since January. I was immediately struck with a number of emotions. we were both stopped acrossed an intersection from each other as I was on my way to pick up our son. she had her elbow resting on the windowsill of her car with her hand on her cheek. She looked bummed out and tired. Glanced over and made eye contact as we were passing each other in the intersection. I know this seems like such a small thing but it's the first time we've met eyes in over a quarter of a year. It makes me a bit nervous on how well I would hold up when dealing with her in person given the emotions I felt just from seeing her across an intersection

Hi OrangeK, that's a coincidence you saw her at the intersection. What did she do when you made eye contact? It's really hard to see your spouse under these circumstances. I'll post something about that on my thread shortly. I hope you made it through the rest of the day ok.

Originally Posted By: OrangeK

it's amazing to me how little of a thing can make such a big difference, I saw her face clearly for the first time today since January. I was immediately struck with a number of emotions. we were both stopped acrossed an intersection from each other as I was on my way to pick up our son. she had her elbow resting on the windowsill of her car with her hand on her cheek. She looked bummed out and tired. Glanced over and made eye contact as we were passing each other in the intersection. I know this seems like such a small thing but it's the first time we've met eyes in over a quarter of a year. It makes me a bit nervous on how well I would hold up when dealing with her in person given the emotions I felt just from seeing her across an intersection

Yeah that had to be difficult dude. Hang in there, believe it or no there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Steve,

It was a bit of a double edged sword.
She looked good and bad at the same time.
She looked beautiful as she always does, not like sexy hot, shes a naturally beautiful woman.
However, as i said she looked tired and a bit dejected. Granted i only saw her for a bout 30 seconds, i noticed her before she saw me, and that is when i saw the tired/bummed look i describe. She was sitting at the stop light with her hand on her cheek looking generally depressed. Could just be because she was headed into work, or had a long night. Who knows, im trying not to overthink it.
As we both drove through the intersection (She was turning left, and i going straight) we made eye contact, which she held. She didnt look at me with anger, if anything i would describer her look as curious or investigative, like she was trying to get a read on me.
I didn't react at all, just looked over for a moment and then continued driving.

Also, update on a previous situation.
The Denim Jacket of S3 - I found it yesterday while cleaning the room S3 and I share, and boy am i glad i didn't make a fuss about that coat and ended up looking like a controlling jerk, who was wrong the entire time.

Divorce Hearing tomorrow:
Ok so ive calmed down about this a bit, for some reason i had it in my head that if i was paying $450-$500 in child support i would still be responsible for the $490 a month i already pay for daycare. Obviously if i was paying child support, it would include the daycare, right?
Additionally i have gotten some solid reassurance from the staff at my daycare that it has been noted and documented that, as they say i have "taken the lead in the parenting role since the breakup".
So that makes me feel a lot better about things.
Lastly i had a long chat with a friend of mine over the weekend about how his child support is setup and how when he and his ex first split it was madhouse, but has calmed down a lot since, and they are friendly now.

Here's hoping tomorrow goes well and fairly.

Really REALLY looking forward to this coming weekend.
S3 will be up with my parents for 5 days (they live 4 hours away, hes very excited to see them), i have 3 days off in a row, which hasn't happened since before BD, and tickets to my favorite band sunday night.
Im calling it my GAL mini vaca.

If i could only stop getting blown off for dates things might seem almost ideal from time to time haha.

Originally Posted By: NicoleR

Hi OrangeK, that's a coincidence you saw her at the intersection. What did she do when you made eye contact? It's really hard to see your spouse under these circumstances. I'll post something about that on my thread shortly. I hope you made it through the rest of the day ok.

Yea, it was just random happenstance for sure.
Surprisingly it didn't affect me for very long. I definitely think i am reaching that point of apathy, it seems a lot closure that's for sure.
As far as how she reacted, i mention in my reply to Steve, but like i said she looked kinda bummed at first before she noticed me, then when we met eyes she held eye contact as she drove through the intersection in a somewhat blank / curious way. Tough to say as it was such a short, coincidental crossing of paths. Im trying not to over think it.

I spent some time reading over your situation. Your husband sounds like an overt version of my wife. Cut ties and leave with confidence Nicole. You deserve better, if he ever realizes that it will be up to him to cross the river where the bridge he burned once existed, not you.

OrangeK, I'm sure your wife thought and felt something when she saw you but I guess it doesn't make much difference what it was. I hope your hearing goes well tomorrow. You're still early in the process of moving on so you'll pass through so many stages and feelings of grief but you've made it this far. It can't get much worse, right?

Originally Posted By: NicoleR

OrangeK, I'm sure your wife thought and felt something when she saw you but I guess it doesn't make much difference what it was. I hope your hearing goes well tomorrow. You're still early in the process of moving on so you'll pass through so many stages and feelings of grief but you've made it this far. It can't get much worse, right?

Couldn't say if she felt or thought anything, but like you said it doesn't much matter if or what she did feel or think.

"You're still early in the process of moving on so you'll pass through so many stages and feelings of grief but you've made it this far. It can't get much worse, right?"

Honestly i feel really far along in the process these days. I know i still have a lot of progress to make, but i do not feel the conflict, raw emotion or physical symptoms like knots in my guts or increased heart-rate anymore.
The divorce is still in the early stages, but i feel more solid about detaching and moving on than i ever have. Im sure I will still have flares of anger, sadness, and frustration, but im feeling pretty grounded lately. Being lonely is the biggest challenge right now.
I always hated sleeping alone.

All you need is time now Orange. Do not hurry. Stay strong.
Good luck tomorrow.

I Definitly still have a strong desire for her to admit what shes done, admit it was awful and apologize, but ive accepted its never going to happen.
She is just damaged, or so very Wayward that she will never accept what shes done INTERNALY and would prefer to just hide from it, and lie to cover her @$$.

I dont need to waste my time on someone like that, as much as that hurts to say.

"There's a place where everyone can be happy
It's the most beautiful place in the whole f**kin' world
It's made of candy canes and planes
And bright, red choo choo trains
And the meanest little boys
The most innocent little girls
And you know, I wish that I could go there

It's a road that I have not found
And I wish you the best of luck, dear
Drop a card or letter to my side of town

'cause there's no time for fussing and fighting my friend
But baby I'm amazed at the hate that you can send
You,
painted my entire world, but i don't have the turpentine to clean what you have soiled, and I wont forget it."

"You"
by Kind of Like Spitting

Above quoted Song is originally by Bad Religion, which i am shocked i didn't know as they are one of my favorite bands.
Kind of Like Spitting covered it.

She may have looked depressed yesterday, but she looked good too, which doesnt help lol.

I have a hard time believing she will be on her A game in court tomorrow. trying not to overthink and dwell on what ifs though.

She hasn't ever properly followed the instructions regarding filing her copies of all the paperwork.

Originally Posted By: OrangeK

Originally Posted By: NicoleR

OrangeK, I'm sure your wife thought and felt something when she saw you but I guess it doesn't make much difference what it was. I hope your hearing goes well tomorrow. You're still early in the process of moving on so you'll pass through so many stages and feelings of grief but you've made it this far. It can't get much worse, right?

Couldn't say if she felt or thought anything, but like you said it doesn't much matter if or what she did feel or think.

"You're still early in the process of moving on so you'll pass through so many stages and feelings of grief but you've made it this far. It can't get much worse, right?"

Honestly i feel really far along in the process these days. I know i still have a lot of progress to make, but i do not feel the conflict, raw emotion or physical symptoms like knots in my guts or increased heart-rate anymore.
The divorce is still in the early stages, but i feel more solid about detaching and moving on than i ever have. Im sure I will still have flares of anger, sadness, and frustration, but im feeling pretty grounded lately. Being lonely is the biggest challenge right now.
I always hated sleeping alone.

Ok, my friend, be careful here. I've seen you go from this to being deep in despair the next day. (See just last week.) And that is okay. You are early on because you've been locked out of contact for so long. You have the gift of LRT but not by choice. You never really got a chance to DB. Once you get rid of the TRO for good, you can show her how awesome OK has become and what she is missing. You will be 180'd from the things that got you here, you will be GAL like a mad man, you will be emotionally, but lovingly, detached from her. She will be so taken aback by dealing with this new man that she will be intrigued to the point of curiosity!

So stay calm, composed, even-keeled when in her presence, but allow yourself to feel the loss and pain when you need to in private.

Originally Posted By: Steve85

Ok, my friend, be careful here.

Always Frosty my friend, i have recognized and accepted my tendency to flip flop emotionally. its starting to feel more solid in the "IDGAF" camp, but id be lying to myself and all of you here if i said i was 100% over it and good to go.

Originally Posted By: Steve85

I've seen you go from this to being deep in despair the next day. (See just last week.) And that is okay. You are early on because you've been locked out of contact for so long. You have the gift of LRT but not by choice. You never really got a chance to DB.

Exactly, just like i mentioned above, i tried to convince myself several times i was over it, hadn't cleared the hump so to speak, when i hadn't. At all.
I still wish i had found out about DB months ago, but ive seen that sentiment echoed here dozens of times, we all wish that.

Originally Posted By: Steve85

Once you get rid of the TRO for good, you can show her how awesome OK has become and what she is missing. You will be 180'd from the things that got you here, you will be GAL like a mad man, you will be emotionally, but lovingly, detached from her. She will be so taken aback by dealing with this new man that she will be intrigued to the point of curiosity!

I will be doing all of this, and will be honestly curious to see if it ever breeds a change in her demeanor. I personally doubt that it ever will, and I will be solidly concreted in as her "scapegoat" for the rest of time, so she will always have someone to blame for her short comings. However her past behaviors have also told me that when I have moved on, to not be surprised when she comes slinking back out of the shadows.

Originally Posted By: Steve85

So stay calm, composed, even-keeled when in her presence, but allow yourself to feel the loss and pain when you need to in private.

the last few times i would have expected the loss and pain to flare up for me all i got was a half-hearted sort of "fizzled out" version of the pain and sadness ive experienced in the past.
i think it finally sunk in that I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG. I AM NOT TO BLAME.

Im a fireman, a warrior, a great dad, and a great catch.

She is a tick. Only a matter of time before she [censored] enough blood and falls off to go lay eggs elsewhere.

****NEED ADVICE****

MIL Just texted asking the following.

MIL: Going to bring S3 for his Haircut tonight, He keeps saying he wants it short. WW asked me to check with you about your preferences about how short to go. She still wants it a bit longer, but with the summer coming and him expressing his opinion she wanted input from you too"

Most of you will know this was already discussed between WW and i last week.

My plan was to reply
ME: "if she has any other questions she can reach out to me directly"

or

Me: "Just do what S3 wants"

or

Me: "Her and I already discussed this last week"

Best advice on how to respond??

"Do what S3 wants." The little guy can't control much in his world right now, let him control that.

I replied to MIL

ME: "Whatever he wants. Its his hair, his choice. He has already expressed his opinion that he'd like it short as you said, lets just stick with what he wants"

------------------------------------

I was very tempted to say "this is a childcare question and something she could ask me herself, she needs to stop hiding behind you MIL"

but i know that would have been counter productive as satisfying as it would have been to say.

Two things about MIL's text stand out to me and piss me off a bit.

1.) "He keeps saying he wants it short"

So why are you asking me anything at all? He already answered the question for you, and he is 3. Fairly sure you two (WW and MIL) can figure that out for yourselves, Yea?

2.) "She still wants it a bit longer, but with the summer coming and him expressing his opinion she wanted input from you too"

S3 has already said he wants it short, I said as much last week as well. So why are they asking? Oh wait. the "She still wants it a bit longer"
Of course. Because what she wants is clearly more important than what her traumatized 3yo son wants.
oh wait, i forgot. What SHE wants is the only thing on Earth that matters, to her or anyone, Right?

Ain't the Sun a prick for not asking her permission to rise each day?

This was already discussed, she just doesn't want to cut his hair short, and she doesnt care what he wants or what would be easier for him.

All this over a fekkin haircut.
*Facepalm*

You nailed it. She is the epitome of selfish as most WWs are.

I wouldn't doubt if MiL comes back with "But, but, but WW really wants it longer." LOL

Originally Posted By: Steve85

You nailed it. She is the epitome of selfish as most WWs are.

I wouldn't doubt if MiL comes back with "But, but, but WW really wants it longer." LOL

That would be confrontational. What will happen is they will just have 2" taken off his hair and call it "Short".
Bear in mind his haircut is being done at WW's work.
The Hen House as i like to call it.

If that happens hes going to a barber.

Maybe she just wants to upset you before going into court.

Originally Posted By: sandi2

Maybe she just wants to upset you before going into court.

I hope so. Guess what hun. It didnt work.

If shes trying to upset me before court, all that does is tell me shes uneasy about it.

Between all the rock climbers on this forum im fairly certain we can produce a rope she can go piss up.

reading back on today's posts I just noticed that there was some sort of bitter or angry comment included in each one. I feel at this point I have used my anger for its best purposes and definitely need to start letting it go. reading back on those posts I sounded Petty and bitter

Yea OrangeK, I get why you're worked up. But if they planned on getting under your skin, it worked. I'm working on detaching better as well. Good luck.

Oddly doesn't feel like them getting under my skin to me in fact I was just out talking to my roommate about how much I worried in my previous court dates and the only thing I was really worrying about was the possibility of seeing her in person and I know that's going to happen tomorrow and honestly I have barely thought about it all day

Oh shoot I just realized you filed, OrangeK? Am I reading that right?

Are you trying to save the MR? Or dissolve it?

I did. and when I did I didn't want to.
Now im resolved to be free of this mess. If R is ever a possibility, the amount of things that would need to happen first is staggering.

Court for d hearing in 1.5 hours. Wish me luck.

Good luck! You got this.

Hope everything works out for you, Orange...

Good luck Orange! Let us know how it goes.

Ok So court is done - Here are the highlights

WW proposed we basically keep everything the same as we have been doing for schedule for S3.
I mentioned to the Judge that i felt this was too much back and forth for S3 and I would like to see a more consistent schedule for him. The judge agreed with this. He said he will be reviewing our case and mailing us a temporary adjusted schedule. I like this because i know it will place S3 first and WW may have to make some schedule changes to accommodate it. She needs to actually adjust her life to be a parent, she is the one that needed a child so bad she lied about it and hid it from me, its time to take responsibility for the life she created.

We agreed that there are no assets or property to split, and barely anything was mentioned in regards to child support, which i imagine will be discussed next time we meet.

She also listed we should have joint decision making and that her house will be his "primary residence"

I'm OK with most of that, other than the Primary residence thing, and I am going to sugjest that we not even do child support, thereby lessening the burden on each other as well as the courts. We have an established history of Oct till now showing we can amicably split these costs without court interference, including daycare, medical, clothing food and diapers.

New hearing scheduled in Sept and there my be a pre trial hearing in-between then and now. SO it looks like ill still be married to her for the majority of the year. Lame.

In regards to emotions and whatnot.
She was pretty quiet the whole time, didnt say much, only answered questions in very short "Yes" or "No"'s for the most part.

She did look really good, ill give her that, but her discomfort was somewhat palpable. She did try and do the "can i be in another room" thing but they said she needed to be in the courtroom, so she is still trying to avoid me.

I had very little noticable emotional response. If i am being honest i am FAR more concerned with my Dungeons and Dragons campaign than anything having to do with her lol.

I'm honestly shocked by this, after months of worrying about seeing her in person, and then it not happening. Now we got to the day i KNEW i would see her, and be in the same room, it didn't seem to phase me at all.

As i said, i made no eye contact, didn't speak to her directly at all and only gave a short "Hello" when FIL came over to hand off documentation to me.

Realistically not much happened, if anything. Once the judge sends a temp child schedule, things will be different, but it seems like this divorce is going to go very smoothly from here on out.

I just wish next hearing was closer in date and time, but who knows, that gives all summer to let things develop. Ill be curious how she acts over the next few months.

All i know is i have my GAL Mini Vacation coming up, S3 gets to go to my parents, which he is very excited about, and i have a great weekend planned.
I havent seen S3's haircut yet, but he was in a rough mood yesterday when i dropped him off with MIL. They may not have even cut his hair if he was throwing a tantrum. Ill find out in a few hours when i pick him up.

I think i impressed the Judge, i had my stuff in order better than WW, and he kind of gave her a hairy eyeball for not presenting me with my documentation until this morning.

Ill update as needed, thanks to you all for your support!!

"We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies."

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

^^^^^^^^^^^^Well put Orange^^^^^^^^^^^
Keep strong, Be kind to yourself and Stay Well !!!

Originally Posted By: OrangeK

I had very little noticable emotional response. If i am being honest i am FAR more concerned with my Dungeons and Dragons campaign than anything having to do with her lol.

I'm honestly shocked by this, after months of worrying about seeing her in person, and then it not happening. Now we got to the day i KNEW i would see her, and be in the same room, it didn't seem to phase me at all.

God works in very mysterious ways. Seeing her the other day at the intersection may have been what prepared you for today. He knows what you need better than you do. It always amazes me to look back at how He has worked in my life in the past, and how these kinds of coincidences tend to occur just when you need them.

Well handled.

Impressive

V

Great Job Orange!

Preparation is so important. I hope this judge saw through her bullshit about being in another room.

You mention that you do not have primary residence, but would like it. What are the obstacles to obtaining primary residence? If she does decide to request child support (my guess is, she will) would this be a factor?

Originally Posted By: JujuB

You mention that you do not have primary residence, but would like it. What are the obstacles to obtaining primary residence? If she does decide to request child support (my guess is, she will) would this be a factor?

I honestly have no idea, that's my homework to do between now and Sept.
She doesnt seem to want to fight with me on any of the points of Divorce. she looks like she is shooting for 50/50 also. I just dont want to involve child support, there is no point. We'll See.

I think this is the start of truly DBing for me. The judge kind of hinted that he thinks the TRO should go away and that her and i need to be communicative for S3's sake.

I imagine some dynamics of this situation will change in the next few weeks. Ill keep you all posted!

Originally Posted By: OrangeK

I think this is the start of truly DBing for me. The judge kind of hinted that he thinks the TRO should go away and that her and i need to be communicative for S3's sake.

I imagine some dynamics of this situation will change in the next few weeks. Ill keep you all posted!

OK, I like your outlook on this. Very healthy. As I've said before, everything happens for a reason. Based on your pre-TRO behavior I am guessing that without the TRO something would have occurred that would have cemented your fate with your W. The TRO gave you the time and space to 180, to GAL, to work on you. And when it is lifted you will be in a much healthier place to do the DB work that maybe pre-TRO you wouldn't have been.

All i hope for now is an amicable co-parenting situation with no drama and backstabbing so we can both just focus on S3.
Our marriage is dead and gone, i just want the stress to go away and to just worry about being a good dad.
I'm relieved that it seems she doesn't want to battle me in court.
Hopefully we can both come to an agreement and get this all done with and behind us.

I'm glad you are pleased with how things went. I hope you will check out what "primary" residence really means. In my state, it is the same as "physical" residence. Don't just assume it is what it sounds. If there is really no 50/50 with each parent.......then some child support may be ordered, based on who holds primary residence. It happened to my adult son, before he could recover from being blindsided by his WW. I got the impression your WW and her lawyer sneaked one over on you.....since you saw no problem with her being designated as S3's primary residence. Sounds as she's leading up to child support. PLEASE check it out!! I wish I could tell you more information as to what happened to my son, but I have already said too much. Don't think just b/c you can barely support yourself that you won't be expected to pay whatever the court sets for child support.....if they give primary residence to the other parent. It does seem that something regarding child support would have been said by the judge.

If the judge adjusts child visitation, S3 may not be staying 50/50 with each parent. Were both parents required to give a schedule of their working hours?

I would also be careful about depositing any money toward S3 going on the vacation, until you see the adjusted visitation schedule. Also, the judge may split the holidays. If your WW is anything like my former wayward DIL, you will get all the holidays, weekends, and week days that you want.......once the child visitation begins to interfere with her activities.

Well, glad today is over, and maybe you can start letting go more. You don't have to wait till October. I wish you could even stop being curious about how she'll react in the coming months, since you plan to move on without her. I think when you get out and start mingling with other women and see how they are interested in you, there won't be the problem of so much head space devoted to WW. Could be wrong.....but I haven't seen it fail yet. Just please....PLEASE....don't have a rebound relationship.

((hugs))

Originally Posted By: sandi2

I'm glad you are pleased with how things went. I hope you will check out what "primary" residence really means. In my state, it is the same as "physical" residence. Don't just assume it is what it sounds. If there is really no 50/50 with each parent.......then some child support may be ordered, based on who holds primary residence. It happened to my adult son, before he could recover from being blindsided by his WW. I got the impression your WW and her lawyer sneaked one over on you.....since you saw no problem with her being designated as S3's primary residence. Sounds as she's leading up to child support. PLEASE check it out!! I wish I could tell you more information as to what happened to my son, but I have already said too much. Don't think just b/c you can barely support yourself that you won't be expected to pay whatever the court sets for child support.....if they give primary residence to the other parent. It does seem that something regarding child support would have been said by the judge.

I never said i saw no problem with her being listed as primary, i plan on contesting that and requesting it be put as the "Split Residence" just like everything else. The judge i have seems very fair and was leaning towards my side of things as i explained them. I honestly dont think ill be rake over the coals with this judge.

Originally Posted By: sandi2

If the judge adjusts child visitation, S3 may not be staying 50/50 with each parent. Were both parents required to give a schedule of their working hours?

Yes we were. WW explained that she got a new schedule at work that will allow her to do more child pickups from school. My chedule has always been very compadible with doing both drop offs and pickups in the morning for school. He may end up with me M-F for all i know. I can swing that, WW cannot.
Judge also asked "If you have another residences as indicated in Mr. OrkangeK's files, i understand you dont need to disclose the location but are you at another residence or ONLY the one you listed here (MIL's house)"
WW:"Just the one listed there, at my moms"

So if she does have another apartment under OM's name or FIL's name, she lied in court.

Originally Posted By: sandi2

I would also be careful about depositing any money toward S3 going on the vacation, until you see the adjusted visitation schedule. Also, the judge may split the holidays. If your WW is anything like my former wayward DIL, you will get all the holidays, weekends, and week days that you want.......once the child visitation begins to interfere with her activities.

Im only going to pay exactly what court orders me to. Not a penny more. Anything else for S3 i can pay for myself and keep records. Im not paying for him to go to FL with FIL and WW.

Originally Posted By: sandi2

Well, glad today is over, and maybe you can start letting go more. You don't have to wait till October. I wish you could even stop being curious about how she'll react in the coming months, since you plan to move on without her. I think when you get out and start mingling with other women and see how they are interested in you, there won't be the problem of so much head space devoted to WW. Could be wrong.....but I haven't seen it fail yet. Just please....PLEASE....don't have a rebound relationship.

Why do you mention waiting till October? the TRO is in place until May of 2019. She occupies less and less of my thoughts each day and its been very nice. Seeing her again yesterday helped that along. She looked good but I didn't have the emotional response i expected. I glanced at her once, and she wasn't looking at me, other than that i didn't look in her direction. I have been making tiny headway in meeting other women, Im not in a rush about it though.

I do want to clarify my position on the fact of me wanting to know what to expect from her for protective and reactionary reasons Vs. your thinking that i am still hung up about her, OM and that whole chestnut. I know your better judgment is assuming the worst to try and protect me and i appreciate it. I've admitted i do miss "the illusion" as i've called it, but i know she is a toxic liar, so I am not letting myself confuse The Illusion with The Illusionist anymore.
Knowing and understanding how and when she MAY try to come back into my life will help me to know how to keep my resolve and see through her tactics if and when she tries that so I am not caught off guard and swindled again to her benefit.
I love and appreciate how you remind me of this often to keep me in check, and help keep me on my toes. Dont Stop, but please understand i see the difference between The Monster and The Mask. Thanks largely to you Sandi.

Down the roller-coaster we go.

Just noticed another one of WW's "friends" blocked me online.
So the Slander is obviously still happening.

this is the friend who's wedding WW cheated on me at 3 weeks after our wedding.
I have been tempted in the past to message her and basically say
"I know what happened at your wedding, and your awful for covering that up for her, how would you like it if your husband did that to you, and you called looking for him 3 weeks after your wedding and his friend covered for him while he cheated on you while you were at home with the baby?"

I know its pointless pursuit so i didn't do it. Just more of the Injustice pissing me off.

i know i shouldn't care what other people think of me and that her smear campaign only proves that she knows who is truly in the wrong, but it bothers me to know there are people out there who honestly believe i am some crazy abusive monster.

it just irks me.

Not worth fretting over. I never liked this person anyway. Glad to know this was a quick dip down on the coaster, climbing again. not letting this crap get under my skin.

Originally Posted By: OrangeK

Down the roller-coaster we go.

Just noticed another one of WW's "friends" blocked me online.
So the Slander is obviously still happening.

this is the friend who's wedding WW cheated on me at 3 weeks after our wedding.
I have been tempted in the past to message her and basically say
"I know what happened at your wedding, and your awful for covering that up for her, how would you like it if your husband did that to you, and you called looking for him 3 weeks after your wedding and his friend covered for him while he cheated on you while you were at home with the baby?"

I know its pointless pursuit so i didn't do it. Just more of the Injustice pissing me off.

i know i shouldn't care what other people think of me and that her smear campaign only proves that she knows who is truly in the wrong, but it bothers me to know there are people out there who honestly believe i am some crazy abusive monster.

it just irks me.

Key phrase is "another of WW's friends". Friends are like family, they will side with their friend even if their friend is in the wrong. I wouldn't worry too much about it. The lack of scruples and morals displayed by people these days doesn't even surprise me anymore.

So that this friend would accept such immoral behavior from your WW really isn't that shocking. A message like the one you considered would do more harm than good.

And as long as we are talking about FB, I know you've argued that for your generation it was a necessity (I disagree, but you seem convinced), but that doesn't mean you need to keep people like this WW's friend around on there. I would go through and purge anyone (block even) that you would be tempted to spy on WW through. Just cut that piece of FB out of even being a temptation. If divorce is the finality of all of this then there is no point in keeping people around on there that are loyal to her.

Originally Posted By: Steve85

Originally Posted By: OrangeK

Down the roller-coaster we go.

Just noticed another one of WW's "friends" blocked me online.
So the Slander is obviously still happening.

this is the friend who's wedding WW cheated on me at 3 weeks after our wedding.
I have been tempted in the past to message her and basically say
"I know what happened at your wedding, and your awful for covering that up for her, how would you like it if your husband did that to you, and you called looking for him 3 weeks after your wedding and his friend covered for him while he cheated on you while you were at home with the baby?"

I know its pointless pursuit so i didn't do it. Just more of the Injustice pissing me off.

i know i shouldn't care what other people think of me and that her smear campaign only proves that she knows who is truly in the wrong, but it bothers me to know there are people out there who honestly believe i am some crazy abusive monster.

it just irks me.

Key phrase is "another of WW's friends". Friends are like family, they will side with their friend even if their friend is in the wrong. I wouldn't worry too much about it. The lack of scruples and morals displayed by people these days doesn't even surprise me anymore.

So that this friend would accept such immoral behavior from your WW really isn't that shocking. A message like the one you considered would do more harm than good.

And as long as we are talking about FB, I know you've argued that for your generation it was a necessity (I disagree, but you seem convinced), but that doesn't mean you need to keep people like this WW's friend around on there. I would go through and purge anyone (block even) that you would be tempted to spy on WW through. Just cut that piece of FB out of even being a temptation. If divorce is the finality of all of this then there is no point in keeping people around on there that are loyal to her.

It was actually through FB messenger i noticed the block. I deleted the FB App off my phone, havent been using it at all. If i wantto login i have to do so through the browser which is a pain in the @$$, So i dont bother.
Good advice regardless.

Link to new thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2791650#Post2791650