I will try to be as brief in my telling of our history as I can be in this introduction. Please ask any questions for clarification.
H and I have been together for 7 1/2 years, married 1yr8m. Things were amazing, we did so much together, we both loved spending time with one another and we were inseparable. Our jobs were separate schedules and so we saw each other for only a couple hours each day during the week. We were having sex at least once or twice a week at this point. In December, he got a new job, we talked about it and agreed upon. They told us that he would be minimally travelling every third week. Not true! It ended up being every week, sometimes 2 days, sometimes 5 days, nothing was consistent, it was hard to plan anything. We still did things, had fun, thought everything was good. With him being out of town, sex was normally once a week, mostly initiated by me. End of March, I found out I was pregnant and it wasn't planned. He wasn't very happy about it, I think scared. A week later, after my probing based on his behavior, he tells me he isn't happy and hasn't been for a few months. He says that we don't go out and do fun things anymore, our sex life has decreased, and I don't get up to greet him when he returns from being gone. For the time he is home and when he returns next week, I spice things up in the bedroom, I greet him when he returns, I feel like everything is better. He then goes out of town for the whole week, so not much real talking happens. The next week, I planned a fun date for us, we went, it was awkward, but I still enjoyed myself, not knowing what was to come. The next day, he basically told me that he doesn't feel like working on us. He never gave a reason as to what happened. He did tell me there was not anyone else, nor were there any "mistakes" while he was out of town. I 90% believe him, but I can't be 100% sure either way. He is never in the same place twice when he is out of town and when he is home, he is at home. Three days ago, I planned for us to go floating and camping on a beautiful weekend, he agreed to it, then told me he didn't want to go the day of. I asked what he was planning on doing instead, he said he was going to pack a bag and leave. he told me he's not excited to come home anymore. He left, that was about it. I didn't contact him, he sent a text that night that said, "I'm alive. Staying at (friend's). Goodnight." I responded, right away, "Thank you. Goodnight." The next morning, I started doing research and came across DR and LRT information. I was pretty blown away that everything LRT says to stop doing, I was doing. I wrote letters, wanted to be in constant contact, bought cards, a couple gifts, planned dates, planned trips, showed him old pictures, etc. When I read why you shouldn't do those things, it was so eye-opening, and makes sense. I have stopped contact, which is super hard! I haven't heard from him in 3 1/2 days. He is not at the house, but he doesn't have much to live off of, so I can't imagine he'll be gone for too long without contact, at least to get some things.
I teach, so teaching is taking up a lot of my time right now, I am also taking an online class, so lots of homework. When summer break gets here, I will be much more free to do things and focus on me and my happiness. I have already started to look at new hobbies and volunteering opportunities. I have been seeing my friends more and working out. I feel like I am going in the right direction for myself, it is, of course, so hard! DR arrived yesterday and I am already halfway through it, can't wait to pick it back up this afternoon. I am hopeful, but I have also read many of the posts on here. I plan on making a phone coaching appointment soon, I'd like to finish the book first.
I know there is so much more I could save and more info to give, but I'll answer any questions that anyone has.
Thanks for you support already!
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Have you read the disappearing posts thread?
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2785770#Post2785770How are you typing your words into the reply box?
What kind of device are you using?
I suggest trying to use a laptop or desktop computer and typing the words into the reply box
I will try to be as brief in my telling of our history as I can be in this introduction. Please ask any questions for clarification.
H and I have been together for 7 1/2 years, married 1yr8m. Things were amazing, we did so much together, we both loved spending time with one another and we were inseparable. Our jobs were separate schedules and so we saw each other for only a couple hours each day during the week. We were having sex at least once or twice a week at this point. In December, he got a new job, we talked about it and agreed upon. They told us that he would be minimally travelling every third week. Not true! It ended up being every week, sometimes 2 days, sometimes 5 days, nothing was consistent, it was hard to plan anything. We still did things, had fun, thought everything was good. With him being out of town, sex was normally once a week, mostly initiated by me. End of March, I found out I was pregnant and it wasn't planned. He wasn't very happy about it, I think scared. A week later, after my probing based on his behavior, he tells me he isn't happy and hasn't been for a few months. He says that we don't go out and do fun things anymore, our sex life has decreased, and I don't get up to greet him when he returns from being gone. For the time he is home and when he returns next week, I spice things up in the bedroom, I greet him when he returns, I feel like everything is better. He then goes out of town for the whole week, so not much real talking happens. The next week, I planned a fun date for us, we went, it was awkward, but I still enjoyed myself, not knowing what was to come. The next day, he basically told me that he doesn't feel like working on us. He never gave a reason as to what happened. He did tell me there was not anyone else, nor were there any "mistakes" while he was out of town. I 90% believe him, but I can't be 100% sure either way. He is never in the same place twice when he is out of town and when he is home, he is at home. Three days ago, I planned for us to go floating and camping on a beautiful weekend, he agreed to it, then told me he didn't want to go the day of. I asked what he was planning on doing instead, he said he was going to pack a bag and leave. he told me he's not excited to come home anymore. He left, that was about it. I didn't contact him, he sent a text that night that said, "I'm alive. Staying at (friend's). Goodnight." I responded, right away, "Thank you. Goodnight." The next morning, I started doing research and came across DR and LRT information. I was pretty blown away that everything LRT says to stop doing, I was doing. I wrote letters, wanted to be in constant contact, bought cards, a couple gifts, planned dates, planned trips, showed him old pictures, etc. When I read why you shouldn't do those things, it was so eye-opening, and makes sense. I have stopped contact, which is super hard! I haven't heard from him in 3 1/2 days. He is not at the house, but he doesn't have much to live off of, so I can't imagine he'll be gone for too long without contact, at least to get some things.
I teach, so teaching is taking up a lot of my time right now, I am also taking an online class, so lots of homework. When summer break gets here, I will be much more free to do things and focus on me and my happiness. I have already started to look at new hobbies and volunteering opportunities. I have been seeing my friends more and working out. I feel like I am going in the right direction for myself, it is, of course, so hard! DR arrived yesterday and I am already halfway through it, can't wait to pick it back up this afternoon. I am hopeful, but I have also read many of the posts on here. I plan on making a phone coaching appointment soon, I'd like to finish the book first.
I know there is so much more I could save and more info to give, but I'll answer any questions that anyone has.
Thanks for you support already!
Moved to first post - Cadet
othstr
I am sorry that you are here...My relationship with W has also been 7 1/2 years. She is also swamped with work and was doing alot of traveling before she left and moved out. She also said that there was no one else etc...
My observation for what it is worth is that Workaholism is a very real thing and the stress of work commitments can make people feel overwhelmed and lose themselves. You as the spouse can be seen as the obstruction versus the work which is the real problem. My advice is DO NOT PURSUE do not call do not text take care of yourself! Give him the space he needs to recalibrate...it could just be that he is worn out and needs to recoup...and the idea of a child coming has spooked him too.
Good job on starting the NC. At this point since there are no kids YET, it should be easier. Let him come to you, i can understand that lots of work is very stressful and the fact that a baby is on the way only adds to it, but i cant imagine why a man would want to walk out on you at this time. I know you dont want to hear this, but the probability of there being OW are very high. I know we always think we know our spouses, but the thing is these people are not the person we married. They are a completely different person and so unpredictable.
Your doing great with keeping up with your teachings and online classes. Go out with friends, I wouldn't follow too much of their advice though. They are not going to always be focused on saving the marriage which i believe is what you want. Friends and family in real life only want your immediate happiness and will tell you whatever it is THEY think is correct.
This is perhaps the hardest thing you will have to do, but you have a child on the way and that should be your strength to keep pushing forward. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. You have a little one on the way that deserves it, if your H doesn't snap out of his fog then ultimately it will be his loss.
And please dont take my writing too much to the heart, I'm new here, my own situation is still fresh so I'm only venting my opinion to you. I'm sure the vets will come by soon enough
Ste7e,
Thank you for these comments. It gives me solace to know someone else is going through the same situation. He actually texted me this morning, waited 2 hours to return text, sounded happy and content. Hard to not give details, but trying to follow the plan. I'm hoping he just needs to recalibrate, like you said.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Recalibrate or not your job is the same.
Good work on waiting and not giving info.
Stop thinking about him and think about you.
I have been doing a really good job on myself these past couple of days. I started to look at continuing education classes offered near me. I decided to step completely out of my comfort zone and sign up for a comedy improv class. I figure I can handle a little more laughter in my life!
I also decided to pick my guitar back up and continue working on learning how to play. I am currently getting ready to walk out the door for my biweekly boot camp class. Feeling good today!!
As a guitarist I give a thumbs up!
I also have a friend who really discovered himself in comedy improv.
I was having a good day and evening yesterday, then I broke a DB rule, I checked his email. He had an email from a property management company, so he is applying for a lease for an apartment... I had a very difficult time sleeping last night, as I have most nights, and I am just trying to focus on me again today, very hard though.
Calm down. Contacting and even applying is not the same as signing a lease. WASs sometime do things like this to fuel their fantasy. My W did some of this to. She was even getting emails from the leasing agents asking her when she wanted to come look at available apartments.
Maybe he'll follow through, maybe he won't. More importantly what does this intel change? Does it change your need to detach, 180, GAL and become the best person and spouse that you can be?
Steve85,
You're right, I need to remember that it is not the same. I just feel like everything is moving so quickly. I would have loved to discover the DB techniques before he actually moved out. I don't know if that would have made any more of an impact, but I would have at least had more contact with him and he could see my GAL. I know it is for me, but it is nice to know that they can see it too.
I am still working on detaching, it has only been 5 days since he moved out, so everything is still so fresh.
Thanks for your input.
Yes in the beginning things feel like they are meeting at a break neck pace. Felt that way in my sitch too. She was working on her resume, looking for apartments, researching divorce. My head was spinning. Every time I snooped I found more info showing she was either already out of the MR or quickly on the way out.
Eventually things slow down and you feel like you are stuck. Even after my wife gave up on the job search. Gave up on the apartment (couldn't get one without a job) and eventually gave up on the D, suddenly it felt like we were in a place of limbo that we couldn't move past.
Brace yourself, being stuck in place vs. things moving fast is almost worse. Though none of it is fun. None of us signed up for this when we stood up before God and family and friends and recited vows of commitment.
I just made an appointment with Chuck. He is actually able to get me in today, 1 hour 30 minutes. I'm excited to hear what he has to say!
IN 1 hour 30 minutes, not FOR 1 hour 30 minutes
Hey othstr, hang in there! I was struck by some of the similarities of our situation. We were both together for 7-8 years (is the 7 year itch a real thing?) and I am also a teacher. The job is so draining, and when things are going wrong in our personal lives it is so hard to give the energy needed to be effective. Thank god summer break is coming up soon. That is the perfect time to GAL and focus on yourself.
Best of luck!
I was actually doing research to see if the 7 year itch is real! Didn't find much, but still curious. It is weird that during the day at school, all I can do is think about him, in the evening, I am finding things to keep my mind off of him and it is much easier to handle all of this. Are you still communicating with W? I find right now we don't have much to talk about, so their is very little communication since he is not at home. It kills me, but I know it's better for me to detach right now. Thankful my coach told me last night that I can back off, but don't need to go dark.
I was actually doing research to see if the 7 year itch is real! Didn't find much, but still curious. It is weird that during the day at school, all I can do is think about him, in the evening, I am finding things to keep my mind off of him and it is much easier to handle all of this. Are you still communicating with W? I find right now we don't have much to talk about, so their is very little communication since he is not at home. It kills me, but I know it's better for me to detach right now. Thankful my coach told me last night that I can back off, but don't need to go dark.
Yes it is real, but it isn't always 7 years. For some it is 3 years, for some it is 10 years. But yes spouses go through itches. And it is exasperated by social media. You get an itch, and then you get a friend request on (evil)Facebook from an old BF/GF, and there is a scratch for the itch. Next thing you know you are in a full blown EA headed for PA.
Osthr,
I have cut way back on communication recently. We met last Wednesday for the 1st time after the separation (3.5 weeks) and talked for 1.5 hours. I had to get some things off my chest, but it was very good and positive encounter despite the fact she is convinced that she doesnt want to be married. Since then I only respond to her texts (every couple of days) about mundane house stuff. Two days ago she wrote me a tormented email about whether she was making a mistake and reminiscing about our good times together. I haven't responded.
Yeah. I have had lots of trouble at work. I haven't done a lick of grading in the 4th quarter. I have had some days I have to give the kids work on the computer because I can't deal. I have very little patience. On the good days I can still lose myself in the teaching, which is great. For me the hardest time is at night in bed by myself.
Detaching is good. Keep working on it. I know that is what I am doing. It takes time and discipline. In moments of crisis or weakness I reach out here, or to friends or family, not to W.
I've had a few good days, staying busy, no contact. Then, I learned of the terrible news. He is getting an apartment, with another woman, that is 23, he is 30. They of course work together. He didn't tell me this information, so I don't feel I can confront him yet. He asked yesterday if I was going to be seeing my mom for Mother's Day, I gave too much information. When I came home, I saw he came and got more clothes. I sent a text asking him to be an adult and tell me he needs to get some things and not just sneak over. I always told him that it has been a week since he left with no real contact. We need to have a real talk about where we go from here. I know that is against DB, but he has given me absolutely nothing. He is coming over this evening to talk. I am going to stick to the DB rules as much as I can while we talk, but I also just need some answers. I will have my list of questions and talking points ready so that I am not too nervous or forget what I need to say. I'm pretty nervous!
Confrontations are always nerve wracking. No way around it. You seem convinced about this course of action. You are correct, this doesn't really fall under DBing. DBing would be to detach, GAL, 180, and be the best you that you can be.
Just try to stay calm and emotionally detached during the discussion tonight. Do not beg, plead, reason or try to guilt him. Be matter of fact. Lay out what you know, let him respond. Make sure he is aware that you have boundaries and lines in the sand. If this move in with the OW is a bridge too far (in other words, there is no coming back from it) make sure he is aware of that. Likely he is keeping you as plan B. 30 23 is a big deal. He is established and she is just getting established. Her life is likely in a very different place from his. There will be frays in that arrangement fairly quickly, he probably realizes there is a high likelihood of that all falling apart and want you waiting in the wings.
So, the conversation happened two days ago. I was super nervous! He arrived, came inside, asked for a hug. Of course I wanted one, so I did it, it was a lingering 5 second hug, not a quick one. Niceties started it off, then started talking. I really tried to stick to DBing, it was hard, I definitely threw in some feelings. I got information about what he wants as a part of the baby, and how we are going to continue finances right now. Then came the part about what is going on with the situation right now. He said he is looking for an apartment, applied, but haven't heard anything back yet. I know that is a lie. He told me where it is, the name of the complex, and that he is moving in with a girl from work because she is the only person he knows that is in need of a place to stay right now, told me her name, he said it is a 2 bedroom... I know DB says don't believe what they say, I don't because there were still lies in there. I was strong and told him I will be able to handle a baby on my own. I definitely backslid some, but I still think I got my point across, still have questions, but got some answers. He gave me a hug when he was leaving, same thing, 5 second lingering embrace. He did tell me that he was hoping when he left he would miss me, but he didn't. Dagger to the heart, but I know that he is just trying to push me away. I found out that when a woman is pregnant in my state, you can't get a divorce, so I have at least 6 months without anything happening.
Also, I had a mini breakdown last night. I was mowing the lawn, his job, and the grass was long since it's spring. The mower kept getting bogged down. The neighbor came out and helped me, but said a couple times, yeah, the lawn is pretty long to handle this right now. I said, I know, I've just been busy. He left, I thanked him, continued to go on. I started to cry and was thinking, yes, I've been busy, my husband was out of town for work, he left me a week ago, and I'm 3 months pregnant. I'm sorry that the lawn is long. I cried for about 45 seconds, was done and moved on. But it hit me. And, for the first time in a couple weeks, I slept the entire night! Instead of reading DR before bed, I started reading a satire novel so I wasn't thinking about everything right before trying to fall asleep. I think that definitely helped.
Congratulations on your pregnancy. This is a really joyful wonderful time and try to focus on bringing a new life into the world. Do you have family and friend support right now? There have been other pregnant posters on here. Cherry and T1024 I believe. Maybe someone can link? I cant from phone.
Take up meditation. There are some great apps. It will help.
You will definitly get through this. We all know how much it hurts. We all know the pain and suffering that occurs when in Limbo like this.
But here is the thing. You are the one in control. You get to control how long limbo lasts. You get to make the decision of when enough is enough and you want your life back.
I know it is hard to hear this, but would you ever date or move in with a man that left his pregnant wife? I for sure would not. I would think he is the scum of the earth. I would not trust him. I would not view him as a prize. I would see him as irresponsible and selfish. He might be giving lingering hugs. But thats easy for him. His actions are really, really, really bad. Like special section in dantes inferno bad.
You have lost nothing of value. You are gaining a baby though and that is the best absolute best gift in the world.
Its hard to come to terms with the issue that sometimes we just really didnt know who our spouses were at the core.
Just lots of self care
Hugs
I haven't posted in a few days, but I have been reading other posts. I have a few questions that I would really like some input on, hopefully from multiple people.
My H admitted that he is getting an apartment with OW, but he claims she is just a friend who also needed to get an apartment, so they are going to be roommates. I totally don't believe it and told him that, he kept saying it is a 2 bedroom and they are just friends. I was given information that makes it seem like this A has been going on for quite some time, quite a few months if not a year. He still won't admit to it.
So, I am NC right now. He messaged me once about stupid stuff, I responded without detail. As of right now, we don't have kids and don't have much to communicate on, is the NC doing more harm than good since he is able to spend more time with her? I am going to continue NC, as well as GAL, but I'm just curious.
We are on good terms right now. We talked about him coming to my 20 week ultrasound appointment for the full anatomy scan/ultrasound. Does that sound like a reasonable thing to do? I don't want to keep him away from the baby if he is willing to be there for it.
I am working on 180 for myself, but I'm not sure how to do it in the relationship. If he lived and home and I saw him, I understand how I could, but since he is not here, and we're minimally talking, do I just do thing for myself right now and not worry about how to do this in regards to the relationship?
What about detaching? I know I am NC, is there anything else I need to do besides GAL and 180 for myself?
He has only been gone for 2 weeks, so everything is so new for me, I am reading and learning, but not sure how to move forward with the steps.
Thanks for your help!
The NC is for you more than for him. The NC makes it much easier to detach. If you are worrying about how he is reacting to it, you need to focus more on yourself. That is the super hard part. I am in it myself.
I would think that communicating about the baby is necessary. That is liking making arrangements for kids. But keep it to business.
The NC is a 180, no? Living focusing on yourself and the baby, rather than him, is a 180, no? That doesn't provide any guarantee of bringing him back, but it will help you get to a better place.
I would stop pressing him on the affair. That sounds like pursuit.
You are doing great. Just keep it up.
It has been a long time since I posted, so an update, plus some questions. Personally, I am doing WAY better. I can actually think about H without getting a feeling in the pit of my stomach. I am happy, laughing, enjoy hanging out with my friends and family, have gone on vacations, did a comedy improv class, all things to help me GAL, and they are working! I was not excited about the baby in the beginning, I was scared, nervous, and very angry he is making me do this alone. I am in a much better place with the baby now too. I have had a couple ultrasounds and got to see the baby looking like a real baby, and I can feel it now, so I have a connection now.
Now for the H. I rarely talk to him, but I have sent him updates after my Dr appts. He is so cold, although less cold than he was at the beginning of all of this, but I asked him on Friday if he even wants the updates, he responded, yes, I sure do. So, I will continue with them. He is supposed to come to my next appt, July 13. I told him the date when I made the appt, he said he would make it. I am not planning on reminding him, but making alternative arrangements for someone else to go with me in case he doesn't show, as per my DB coach, so we shall see. He says he wants to be in the baby's life, but he isn't really acting like it.
He moved in with OW, so I'm sure he's enjoying his time with her, although I'm pretty much just waiting for it to crumble, whenever that may happen. I was hoping it would happen soon and he would come to his senses, but with me doing so much better, I'm sure it will crumble, but I'm not waiting on pins and needles for it to happen now. He came over and got some of his things, mainly clothes. He did leave 10 items. I asked him why he didn't take them, I shouldn't be responsible for taking care of those items. His response was that he took what he could fit in the truck and he'll have to come back for the rest. He could have definitely fit these 10 items, so why not take them??? He hasn't come to get the rest of his things or said anything about coming to get them, so they are just still here at the house, it has been a month! What do I do with them? Nothing, let them stay where they are until he asks to get them? Ask him to come get them? Why do you think he left all of this stuff and hasn't even commented on coming back to get them?
I'm sure there's more to update on, especially later if he comes to the appt.
Thanks for any comments.
Bump for support and comments
Also, I was reading someone elses post and they were talking about pictures and rings. If I am not ready to give up on us, is it appropriate for me to stop wearing my ring and take down pictures of us around the house. The pictures were just too hard for me to look at every day. He has only come around once, a month ago.
Hey Othstr,
I'm sorry to hear the situation that brought you here, having a baby on the way and a H out the door is tough. Its been a while since I've been on this side of the forums but I somehow found your thread and just wanted you to know not to give up posting, the people here can be a great support and it sounds like you have a good coach aswell. Sometimes posts go down a page or two and get lost in the sea of posts. Keep posting and you'll find the right people to connect with, some may surprise you and end up being long term friends. Having support from people you can relate to can be powerful.
You'll hear many different opinions on what to do, in the end realize its your decision and whatever the choices are yours to make. i'm not going to tell you the secret answer that fix your M, because honestly a quick fix just doesn't exist. People leave and more often than not, they never come back. That doesn't mean give up, just accept the reality that could be there.
Use this time to focus on you, search out any areas you wish to grow and direct energy there. Time really is a gift even if it doesn't feel like it. Find your passion in life, decide what you want to accomplish. The GAL is a great start, keep it up.
As for the pictures and ring. If the pictures are too painful to keep up, take them down. If the ring doesn't feel right, take it off. Do what feels right for you, not what you think will mean to him. Some people decide to keep the ring on until they've accepted things are over, some stop wearing it right away, some keep wearing it until they divorce or reconcile. Theres really no right or wrong answer. Stay strong, life gets exponentially better if you decide it to do so.
I'll give my two cents here. 99.999999999% probability that your husband is moving in with his OW. No one would leave their pregnant wife and move in with a random girl from work if they were only having a crisis about the baby. He would have been upset that you were pregnant because that totally ruins his plans with the OW. I doubt he has told her about the baby with you yet because an OW of that age would leave him for sure just based on that. So if it is a relationship it will be doomed to fail once she finds out. Don't attempt to tell her as it will come out by itself and it will just make you look bad. Just detach, GAL, work on yourself and wait it out to see what happens.
People that have no desire to work on their relationship don't want to because they have another relationship with someone else already that has greener grass.
You need to think long and hard about whether or not you even want him back. That is what I am doing with my WAW now. I have totally changed by GAL and doing 180's and actually listening to every problem she listed that I had. I did some deep soul searching and analyzed the past and realized she was right. So I changed everything to be a better version of myself FOR MYSELF. These changes are permanent. I was not a good husband. But she was not a good wife either. And now I am in a weird situation because I do not want her back unless she can change as well. It is really complicated because we have 3 kids so I have to give her the chance to change even though I don't think she can do it.
He left those items out of laziness or maybe to have something to come back to. Either way, you won't find out so it's not worth trying to mind read. If they bother you, throw them in a bag and put them outside and he can pick them up.
It sounds like your GAL is working well. Are you contacting him or is he contacting you?
How do you feel about him now? Are you hoping he comes back to the MR eventually?
One thing my priest told me is that all you can do is pray sometimes. It helps me focus on what I really want and who I really want to be.
Hi guys,
It has been quite some time since I posted, as you can tell. A lot has happened since July. We started talking and he said he was confused and wasn't sure what he really wanted. We went on a couple dates and talked on a regular basis. Of course, he was still with her, so I know, he was cake eating. I started to tell him that he was wanting to work on things, she is not in the equation. He eventually, it was not a fast process, left her and moved back in with me in our house. It was good at the beginning, but then I could tell that he was distant. We talked about what happened and I asked questions and he answered. I will say that I looked at his phone because I needed to make sure he wasn't talking to her, however, you can delete messages and phone calls, so even though it didn't show he was talking to her, I wasn't completely believing it. He kept saying that she hates him for doing what he did to her and won't talk to him again. Fast forward a little bit, 3 weeks of total time being at home, we went to a counseling session, he went to work, came home, I could tell that he was acting/seeming different. The next day, he tells me he's not happy and he is leaving. 3 weeks, that was his attempt at trying to work on us.
I have read that the WS needs to show remorse, I could tell there was no remorse from him. He mentioned at one point that he missed the relationship with her... That one hurt.
So current day, I am 6 weeks away from welcoming a little bundle of joy into my life. I am really looking forward to having something that consumes my life and my love. He never really talked about the baby when he was here, so I am going on with my life as if he won't be a part of it. I am not contacting him, he has contacted me a couple times to ask about the baby, and myself, how I'm doing/feeling. He will even ask about my life, it is very confusing at times. It is about 2 weeks in between contacts from him. I have been the bigger person in this and could go off on him, I certainly do in my head, but I know it won't get me anywhere. He says he wants to be in the baby's life and wants to be there at the birth. As of now, I am telling him that he can be there, it is for the baby, and that's what matters. I know that he is back with her, but he lies and says she still won't talk with him. I know the rule is believe nothing of what they say, so we will see what happens even with the baby. My friends and family will be at the hospital to support me, I know he will feel uncomfortable being around them, oh well, his choices!
I am busy getting ready for the baby, and doing my best to GAL, I have been super busy lately and just try to find things to do when I don't have anything to do. I am nervous about what the dynamic will be like when the baby comes. If he is going to visit, he will be visiting the baby at my house, with me there, not necessarily in the same room, but that's a good possibility for at least a couple months. I guess that could be a good thing, depending on how you look at it.
Anyway, thanks for any input you have on my current sitch. Heading to Chicago later to have another baby shower, this time with my in laws, who are not at all in support of his behavior and fully support me and the baby. So, I might not update or respond until I come home after the weekend.
Glad to hear you are doing well! Sorry to hear about the in-and-out from your H, but that's to be expected. He came back too soon and did not do any of the work he needs to do. I'd say chances are good he'll be back again so here are some suggestions:
1. DO NOT let him just move back in on a moment's notice. He needs to learn you don't have a revolving door that he can use whenever. He also needs to learn that he could lose you.
2. Prepare a list of requirements before he can move back in. The minimum on that list should be IC and MC sessions BEFORE he moves back. Another item should be TOTAL TRANSPARENCY meaning you can look at his phone whenever you want without warning. If he cries about it then explain he's given up his right to be trusted and he has to rebuild that trust through transparency.
3. Insist that he write a letter, email or text to OW ending things and telling her he is committed to you, and make him send it while you are watching.
If he REALLY wants to come back he will be willing to do all of this and more. Like you said there needs to be remorse on his part and he is not there yet, he has to hit bottom and he hasn't. Hitting bottom usually doesn't happen until after they realize they've probably lost their LBS for good.
Hi Othstr,
So sorry for all this strife you've had to go through while pregnant, that's just an awful story! I totally agree with AnotherStander -- so many people on this board have had waywards temporarily return and are quick to declare "piecing" when in fact its just a temporary stay of execution for the relationship.
The problem with pursuit is that you put yourself in a position to be devalued. You're telling the person that they can have you back at any time and for no effort. People don't value things that are freely given, they like things they have to work for and earn. When H can return to you with little to no effort, he won't value you from the moment he returns, its just a situation of convenience for him.
Your H definitely needs to understand that you have moved on from him and that he *cannot* come back until he earns his way back. Until that happens, you'll see the same pattern where he might temperature check you from time to time, or return with no commitment when it suits him and then bounce out again. There's no consequence for that behavior, he has nothing to lose by doing so because he knows you will continue to take him back.
In short, he won't come back to stay and be motivated to do the work until he believes he can't come back. He won't believe he can't come back until YOU believe you don't want him back. That levels the playing field for a new relationship to start where one of you isn't "one down" to begin with.
In addition, you need to be good with yourself without him -- you need to be happy and confident. You need to be the best "you" you can be, you need to lead a life that anyone would want to share. If you can do that, then he'll be lucky to have you because you are the prize to be won.
The challenge, therefore, has really nothing to do with him or what he thinks, feels or does, and everything to do with what do YOU need to do to be happy, excited about life, and the best person you can be?
Focus on that.
Acc
Othstr, you're a strong and brave woman to go through pregnancy under these circumstances. Your baby deserves to have the best possible arrival into the world and it sounds like you're trying to offer that. It's so sad that this is the happiest time in most couples' lives and you can't get to have the same happy joyful experience together with your husband but your baby will love you unconditionally and you'll love him or her unconditionally as well. FYI - babies love to sleep with their moms so maybe it's not such a bad thing if your husband isn't around. You'll be tired but you'll have your baby to hold so you won't be alone!
othstr,
I was just reading up on your sitch and wanted to express how sorry I am that you are going through this right now. I also want to congratulate you on your pregnancy. I am new to all this myself and learning as I go much like yourself. Going back a few posts you had asked about the 7 year itch. I think it is a very real thing and going back a bit in my sitch things started going down hill right after the 7 year mark and reached there peak at the 8 year point. One thing I picked up on in your last post is the Dr. appointments and all that surrounds bringing a baby into the world.
Now for the H. I rarely talk to him, but I have sent him updates after my Dr appts. He is so cold, although less cold than he was at the beginning of all of this, but I asked him on Friday if he even wants the updates, he responded, yes, I sure do. So, I will continue with them. He is supposed to come to my next appt, July 13. I told him the date when I made the appt, he said he would make it. I am not planning on reminding him, but making alternative arrangements for someone else to go with me in case he doesn't show, as per my DB coach, so we shall see. He says he wants to be in the baby's life, but he isn't really acting like it.
This is a tough situation for you either way and I'm not 100% sure how to handle it but I think some of this could be a way to further detach. Regardless of H showing up or not I would still arrange for someone else to be there to support you. If H does show up seeing that you have support from others might be a good thing. I don't want this to sound in any way like I am suggesting using the baby as leverage but I also feel that not being overly forth coming with updates after Dr. appts may be a good idea. Advise him that you have appointments but I wouldn't follow up after the appointment. Him claiming to want to be in the baby's life is great but he really needs to make an effort and show that. He needs to be the one calling you and asking for updates. Pardon me for saying this but it takes a real POS to walk out on his pregnant spouse and he needs to feel that and all the shame that should come along with his actions.
Pardon me for saying this but it takes a real POS to walk out on his pregnant spouse and he needs to feel that and all the shame that should come along with his actions.
Just want to clarify that this is not a personal attack on your spouse but the way he is acting.
I'm finally back to give an update. I have still been reading other people's threads, just haven't had the time to sit down and update. I had my little bundle of joy, a boy, which was a surprise as I didn't find out beforehand! He is the best thing in the world! He will be 3 months tomorrow and I return to work on Tuesday. I'm sad to be leaving him, but also kind of excited to have something to do on a daily basis.
I'll start off with how my life is going. First, I say that God has blessed me with the most perfect baby as I have already been through enough during my pregnancy. He is adorable and rarely cries, and at that, he just whimpers
We have been able to go out and do so much because of this. We are constantly on the go, visiting with friends, out and about, I love it! We have gone on 3 trips, 2 road trips and 1 airplane trip to visit my brother and his family. I have started boot camp again and the crew knows about my situation, so they welcome the little man and my trainer just holds him while telling us what to do, and he loves it! I have such an extensive support army from all my friends and family, I honestly feel they love S more than my H. I feel like I GAL pretty well, I am rarely at home or just idle. I had a hair appointment the other day, I decided that I wanted a change to go with my changing life, I chopped my hair off, and it feels so good, I love it!
On to the H. He said he wants to be a part of S life. He was there for the birth and the days that followed at the hospital. His parents came from out of town to visit and he visited with them. So, he saw S for 4 days right after he was born, I thought he was going to hold to his statement about being in his life. Since then, he has only come 1 day/week, if that. Lately, he has gone 3 weeks without seeing him, and then 2 weeks without seeing him now. He is supposed to come over tomorrow. He is living with OW, and I just assume that he is wanting to spend more time with her than with his son. And he is getting so big and so much more fun. He is interactive and gives such big smiles, how could anyone go 3 weeks without seeing their newborn child?! When he does come, I am here. He has said he doesn't feel comfortable being alone with him right now. I try to keep myself busy and clean or do laundry, stay out of their way, but they are in the main living area, so it's hard. I try not to initiate any conversations, he will normally ask questions to me. I try to maintain the cashier stance, pretend like he is a cashier, be cordial, but don't offer too much information. He stays for about 3 1/2 hours. He doesn't contact me at all between his visits except to set up the next visit, minimum of a week later.
I did go meet with 2 lawyers about a month ago. I got some good info from them. My main thing is to make sure that S is taken care of, so custody and child support would happen first. I have no plans to move forward with D anytime soon, however, I am getting very frustrated with this limbo. I know time is our friend. But, the fact that he is off, having a great time, that assume and have no proof, is very hurtful. He has zero responsibility to our marriage or his son and is just off living his "fun" life. He has said absolutely nothing about D and moving forward with that. He has been having an A for over a year and living with OW for a year in May. I don't understand why he is just content with this situation when he was the one unhappy.
I have been reading a lot of threads, so many of them are about WW, I have found not many about WH. Can anyone lead me to a few? Do they think the same or differently?
Please ask any questions if you need clarification on anything. Thanks for reading.
I agree that he is a POS and that he seemed to have zero regrets about leaving his pregnant wife. He didn't ask how I was or for very few updates, that has continued now that S is here. No need to apologize, I feel the same!
Well, H came over today, left about 30 minutes ago and baby is sleeping. I left him with S for an hour and a half to go get a new phone. Just told him I need to head out, I'll be back in a bit. I woke up and got dressed, did my hair and makeup. Since I got my haircut, I feel like doing more with my makeup than usual, so I of course did that today, and I feel good. One of the things that drives me crazy while he is here is how much he is on his phone. Social media, texting, etc. I know S is only 3 months and pretty easy, but he only sees him once a week. Plus, I just know he's texting OW and that drives me crazy. I know I've seen boundaries about not communication AP while in the presence of spouse, but I'm not sure if that applies to us since he isn't living at the house, has been gone for 10 months and is living with her. Thoughts?
Going to enjoy the rest of the day and get S's 3 month pictures taken! Let's hope he smiles this time for them.
I feel the same as you re texting, but I very much doubt he is texting ow all the time
I know he's not texting her all the time, it just bothers me that he is on the phone when he is here to spend time with his son. Oh well, I can't control that. He is the one missing out.
I know I've seen boundaries about not communication AP while in the presence of spouse, but I'm not sure if that applies to us since he isn't living at the house, has been gone for 10 months and is living with her. Thoughts?
From Wonka in the Validation thread:
"It is impossible to set boundaries without setting consequences. If you are setting boundaries in a relationship, and you are not yet at a point where you are ready to leave the relationship then don't say that you will leave. Never state something that you are not willing to follow through with. To set boundaries and not enforce them just gives the other person an excuse to continue in the same old behavior."
The whole thread is a good read:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096EDIT TO ADD- so is this one:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=44680&Number=1859179#Post1859179So here's my question, if you state a boundary of "you will not text OW while with S" then first, how do you even know who he's texting, especially when you're not there? Second, what "consequence" will there be if he doesn't respect the boundary? Boundaries are more about you refusing to be disrespected, like not letting him yell at you or treat you poorly. The consequence in those cases is you hang up on him, or don't reply to texts, or walk out of the room, or leave the house (depending on the situation). That's easily enforced. See the difference?
First and foremost othstr; many many many congratulations on your beautiful son.
Secondly, do you have any idea what an inspirational and awesome person you are?
Your Hs behaviour would have made most people drop to their knees but not only are you caring for a little one, planning your return to work but GAL like a demon as well.
I would just shrug my shoulders about the phone thing. It's what teenagers do to cover up their social awkwardness. It is a bit different in that he isn't coming over to eat cake; he's coming to see his son. Whatever we all think about him, your son deserves to have his Dad in his life where possible. Setting a boundary may mean that he doesn't come. So just shrug your shoulders and think he's a childish jerk and ignore him. I know you can do that because you are so strong.
In respect of his interactions with the baby: On another site that I frequent one of the common sayings is 'trust that he [censored]'
I doubt even the most eloquent of advocates could persuade the world that your H has acted like a good guy. He [censored]. That doesn't just apply to his R with you at the moment, but in everything that he does.
You don't need him. If he chooses to want back in your life and you choose to let him, then that is because it is what you want, not what you need.
You're doing great. You're doing great despite a mightily shi*** situation. Your son is blessed to have such a strong mother.
xxxxx
ps the censored bit rhymes with ducks and is what you do through a straw
AS- I understand about the boundaries, I don't have a consequence, so I can't really do anything about it.
Yorkie- First off, thank you so much. I am told that all the time, but I really does help hearing it. I truly don't know where I found the strength to get up everyday and do the best I can, but I have, especially before S was born, have him makes things much easier to get out of bed in the morning. It has been a rough, long road. I for sure don't need him, these past few months have shown me that! Unfortunately, I do want him, for now.
I know that people here say tell only a few close people of the situation. Honestly, I've been an open book, it is one way that helped me cope. Also, it is very hard to live your life with close friends and family that you see frequently, when H is not with you. There's only so many excuses I can use. My mom asked me last night if the D process has been started. I said no, she asked why not, I didn't really answer. How am I supposed to respond to that? I know so many people, myself included before BD, that would tell someone to drop them after what he has done, forget about him, I deserve better. I know I deserve better, but that doesn't mean I still don't love him. He had his own personal issues, but us a couple was great, or so I thought. What I mean is that we never argued, we supported each other, sex could have been more often, it was at least once a week. It's hard when he travels Monday-Friday. But, I am just not there yet. We haven't even talked about it, at all. I don't want to be the one to initiate it, at least not now. I don't know if there is even an answer to this, I'm just thinking.
So, I went back to work yesterday after 3 month maternity leave. It was actually pretty nice, minus the waking up early part, to start to get back to some normalcy that I am familiar with. Everyone was very excited to see me and asked how S is doing. I just jumped right back into teacher mode and had a good day. I joined boot camp class again after being off for 3 months, it felt great to work out with no pregnancy restrictions! The trainer is awesome and knows my sitch and wants me to bring S so that I can continue to come. He hangs out in the car seat or on a mat and then she'll go over and hold him for the rest of the class. I can't ask for more than that. Everyone adores him there
A sort of revelation I had yesterday. One of my colleagues told me I was glowing, and not in a new mom way, something about me was different, a good different. I realized I was smiling the majority of the day, and that felt really good. But, after thinking about it, and talking with a friend, I am just so proud of myself and it really shows. I have gone through the ringer, more than once it seems, and I'm still alive, and I'd say thriving. 99% of my life right now is great, and it feels good.
I then think about H's life and wonder how much of his life is great, I can pretty much guarantee it's not even close to 99%, and that makes me smile.
I did have a few questions I had posted earlier if anyone has any insight on them.
Quick question. How long is the longest a WS has been gone before they returned, that you know of? I know limerance lasts about 1-2 years. If they make it through limerance and realize it is no longer a good R, return to S, are you still considered a plan B? My H moved out and is living with OW, will be a year in May. Just curious if I would be a plan B if he decided to return after being with her for "so long."
Happy Friday, all! I'm ready for the weekend!
My friends parents got back together after 35 years apart.
If he knows you know you are plan B and are ok with it, I doubt you are his plan B. Maybe more like C or D.
Othstr,
Are you his plan B? Why ask a question about being his plan B if you are willing to accept being it. Will he come back? Nobody can answer that, and the longest time frame, is usually answered by the LBS. The sooner the LBS move on with their life, the shorter a return time frame becomes.
I'm saying all those things above, because, if he returns (returns makes it sounds like he has went missing). Let's try the wording of, if he starts to get curious about you again, you won't be a plan B. He won't have a plan B. He will just have a plan and that will be you. Because, he knows you won't be waiting and didn't wait around for him. You moved along with your life and healed yourself.
You are only a plan B, if you represent yourself as a plan B.
You are a plan A, and your Ex won't approach in the future when no plan B BS, if you are representing yourself like a plan A. And if he tried you would quickly shoot that plan B BS in the face.
I reread my post and realized how it sounded. I definitely don't/won't represent myself as a plan B, I want him to WANT to come back, not just come back because things didn't work out with OW. And I will (try) to do the things that don't make me look like a plan B. I want to be the plan A.
My friends parents got back together after 35 years apart.
Holy shiznatz that's got to be a record!! I have a coworker who remarried his ex after 10 years apart but 35, wow!
Yep. He remarried and his second W passed about 5 years ago and then they got back together about 3 years ago. Still live in different houses but see each other every day.
We went and got our taxes done this morning. There was a sign that said something to the effect of: when something feels good but you know it is wrong, it will soon feel bad. When something feels good and it is good, your feelings will only increase. Not sure if H read it while sitting there for an hour, but I would have to assume so. Also, as we were leaving, the tax man said, I really hope you guys work things out. I’ve been there 3 times, it’s [censored], a lot! I think this is the first time, at least that I know of, that someone has outwardly “encouraged” our R.
He is here visiting S now. I’ve got things to do around the house and it’s pouring outside. So I’m here and trying to stay in other rooms. Planning on hanging out with friends this evening. And I really want a nap while he’s here
Some journaling and some questions.
First off, I am feeling really good. I feel like I am GALing like a boss. Last night, I took S to a comedy improv show. He was so intrigued by the show and all the movements and different voices and music that was happening, and I really enjoyed it too! My brother and his family are coming in town and staying at my house, so I'm getting the house ready for them, they come in late tonight. Tomorrow we are going to the zoo with the entire family and having game night after that. Saturday I am going to a family wedding. Throw in exercise and boot camp class, I feel great! Monday, back to work after spring break. I am definitely growing myself and looking forward to the summer and being able to do so many fun things with S.
Even thought I am doing so well, at least I feel I am, I do have moments where I can't help but think about him. Sometimes something sets me off, other times, it's just my mind thinking. I had an interesting trigger today. I went with my friend who is looking for a bridesmaid dress, to a wedding dress shop. I agreed and didn't think anything of it. Well, walked in, saw all the wedding dresses, pictures of happy couples, had my mind going a little crazy. There were people trying on wedding dresses looking very happy, my thoughts were, good luck, hope it lasts for you, and you think you know him, you might not. I don't like thinking like that and being so negative, but they just popped up. I tried to concentrate on S, who was with me, and my friend. It didn't drag me down too much, but just enough.
I had asked before what I should tell people that ask if I've started the divorce process before, any thoughts? First off, it's none of their business, why do you need to ask. But, I have just answered, I'm not emotionally there yet. That normally shuts them up. This is not a regular question, but it has happened a handful of times.
Here's my big question. S is 3 months, H has taken him once before, he is taking him this Saturday. He lives with OW and that is where he takes him. What are your thoughts on asking to meet OW and seeing where S is spending time. If I were letting anyone else take him to their house, I'd see where they live and meet the others that live in the house. Or, is this kind of saying I am giving you "permission" or what you are doing is ok with me. Any thoughts??
Also, what are the point of temp checks for the WS? He messaged me twice in one week, one about Alex Trebek, we both love Jeopardy, and one about a funicular in France. I kind of get the Alex message as he is sick, but the France one is way out of left field...
Hi othstr,
I read your posts. I am impressed at how strong you are, given such a hard circumstance. I mean wow. I am also glad that you have so many friends and family supporting you - that is so important. You seem like you are handling everything really well. ... I felt triggered reading your story. I found myself having feelings of anger towards your H. He left his pregnant W for a younger woman at work? That is just so gross. This guy is no prize. I do not mean to sound harsh, but he is pretty awful. Not that it helps, but I also think my H was a complete selfish jerk too.
I have to say I agree with AS and had the same thoughts as I was reading. I think you let your H back too soon and he didn't have to do any work or make any changes. Unfortunately it sends the message they you are available and he can come back if he changes his mind. I don't think in his eyes he ever lost you. It is a weird and dysfunctional game to play, and I'll be the first to admit that. I will also say that it took me a long time to know how to play it right. One of the things I did do right in my sitch, when I finally learned how to follow the rules, was have very firm boundaries about what I would allow and not allow. My H did not get to come anywhere near me until 1. he dropped OW, proved it, and was clear he didn't want her, 2. showed continual remorse, and 3, showed me with words and actions that he was committed to doing anything to have me back. Only then did I tell him I would give him another chance. Many posters may not get to this place, but those things must be in place before a successful recon IMO.
He also didn't get to that place until he saw me moving on and was even afraid I might have been dating other people (I wasn't). And the hardest part for me was the "paving the way home," and showing him I wouldn't rip his head off if he approached me. I had to hide all my emotions and act pleasant and detached. For me, it was a big 180, because he saw me lashing out for quite awhile. So when I changed my responses to him -- and I even came across as indifferent -- he freaked and thought he was losing me. 180s are different for different people and I don't get the sense you have been as emotionally labile and acting out as I was. You really do seem much stronger and together!
You asked about meeting the OW because he is bringing the baby to their place. That is a hard one. And many might tell you that you cannot control it. My instinct is that because you are even asking, that it is important to you and that yes you should tell him that. You need to feel that the baby is comfortable and safe at all times, and you are his mom! It also sends a very clear message to these dummies that you will protect baby's best interest and that you are paying attention to what is going on with your H (and his terrible decision making). ... I gotta hand it to you also. You seem incredibly calm and patient all things considered. I was very clear with my H the moment I learned of the A, "you will never bring our children around that crazy OW." I would not budge on this and fortunately he never tried me. This is something that I perhaps couldn't control, but that I would never let down on.
Blu
Blu,
Thanks for your comments. I agree, he is no prize, unfortunately, I still love him. I feel like I have done a really good job on detaching, but not 100% there. I also agree that I let him come back to easily. I had read through the forums, read DB, was NC, but I wasn't fully implementing everything. I definitely should have asked for opinions on here before I allowed him back, however, I didn't and he went running back to her... After that, I have fully embraced DB and will for sure make boundaries and make it much harder if he were to try and return. I'm almost at the point where I don't want that, however, I'm not sure how I would feel if it actually happened. I do long for the family that I've always imagined. Don't they have to be complete, selfish jerks to have an A in the first place??
I don't know what to do about meeting OW. I don't think I'm there yet. I'm thinking that I might start off with seeing his place and knowing where he is going with him. Down the road, meet her. I am totally against her being around S. The only good thing I can say about this, is S is only 3 months, he doesn't know who anyone is. I'm pretty sure he doesn't even understand that H is his dad as he sees him 4 hours every other week, if that. (his choice) I have friends that see him more often than his dad.
Whew, talk about a GAL that totally backfired on me. I have season tickets to my local theater, last night was one of the shows. I've been looking forward to seeing this show for a while. It was good, the singing was good, then boom, the plot... If you read my sitch, husband left after finding out I was pregnant, I was not in a good place and was not happy, nor excited, about being pregnant. In the show, main character is married and unhappy, as H is abusive. She finds out she is pregnant, not happy about it, her words were exactly what I had been thinking for so long, and really keeping it to myself as you should be happy about a baby. Anyway, she finds compassion and solace in someone else, who is also married. The storyline then becomes about them and how they are so excited when they get to meet up and keeping everything a secret. There are 2 other characters who are also married and have an affair with each other. At this point, I've cried and I'm so pissed off at this show. In the end, she has the baby, falls instantly in love with her and can't imagine life without her. She sings a song about this, holy cow, I'm balling as she puts all of my feelings into words again. Ultimately, she decides that things need to end with OM as she sees how happy and in love his wife is with him. She said it's not fair to her. Oh if only OPs really felt that way...
So, I got out, but was crushed while doing so. It was just too soon for me to appreciate the show as much as the other attendees. So many triggers.
On a plus side, I decided to start running/jogging again. I was looking at 5ks to sign up for to get me motivated and get my butt in gear! I really don't like it, but I always feel good after going for a run. I've done a few hikes with S, looking forward to getting out more with him now that it is turning nicer weather.
Question, I will need to discuss this with IC also, just wanted to get some more input.
H works a job that he does installations that are scheduled for him. He finds out his schedule the Thursday before the week. He asked me if he ever doesn't have a day scheduled could he take S for the day instead of sending him to the sitter. I said yes, as long as he told me the previous week so that I could let the sitter know. She gets paid by the day, so she is counting on the money that he is there. She already knows the days that I won't be sending him because of my schedule. So, he just sent me a text asking if he could have S because he doesn't have anything scheduled tomorrow. I didn't respond, was giving it time, and trying to figure out what I wanted to do/say. Thankfully, he said nevermind, they were able to find a job for him. If I would have said yes, let the sitter know, then I would have had to take it back and tell her that he is coming. It's hard because he only gets paid when he has a job, and I get money when he has money... He only takes him when it is convenient for him, and he works out of town a lot, so it's only on weekends. I'm not holding S against him, but I don't want him to think that doing everything last minute, when it's convenient is ok. Which also means that if he takes him tomorrow, he won't see him over the weekend, because for him, once a week is plently...
So, my question is, do I let him take him last minute and mess up the schedule with the reliable sitter, or tell him again, this needs to be figured out the week before and whatever we decide on stays?
Today, mentally, has been a challenging day. I don’t know why, it just has. He popped up in my head a lot, had to keep visualizing the stop sign, it didn’t always work. He will not have seen his son for 3 weeks if he decides to come this weekend, his choice.
I had a great day yesterday just S and me. We went to our butterfly house, went out to lunch, walked a trail, went to a park with a friend. It was gorgeous weather and we needed to be out! He’s only 4 months, so doesn’t fully grasp what we are doing, but I’m happy to know that we are doing stuff to GAL together. One of my friends said that your kids don’t always remember the monetary gifts, but they do remember the gift of time and adventures we have together.
I think this is a difficult time because this time a year ago, he was home, but not emotionally, I was pleading and pressuring then, shocked beyond words. The season, smells, weather, just reminds me of a year ago, which gives triggers. It is crazy how life changes in a year.
I’m so angry/disgusted at him, I’m not really sure what I want anymore. I guess if I’m not sure, then that means part of me still wants a MR, so I shouldn’t make any moves. Why the h has he not??!! I don’t get it at all. Honestly, this would all be easier if he were to tell me he’s filing and I give him the I can’t prevent you, but I don’t want it line. It’s frustrating.
1st BD was a year ago yesterday. I'm glad I didn't get on my thread, because I didn't remember it was that date. I had a good day, made a good dinner and went to my boot camp class. S came with me and is just perfect while we are there, sits in the stroller and just watches us all do our thing! We didn't have anything to do today, it was nice. We/I did stop for ice cream after picking him up from the sitter. He took a nice long nap when we got home, so I got some stuff done around the house, and got a little nap in myself!
It's almost a year since H left. There has still not been one word about a D! I have not wanted to be the one to initiate it, but I think I'm ready. I know that plenty of people on here would be happy to be in my position, but it [censored]! He was doing really good at paying me every month. He's not been working as much/getting as many jobs, so he hasn't really paid me. He has only paid his share of childcare once out of 3 weeks, and majorly decreased the amount he was paying monthly, and he only paid because I asked him for money. If it is legal, he will be legally required to pay me, not just out of the "kindness of his heart." I don't plan on doing anything until after I am done with the school year, so June. That's means I have a month and a half to change my mind if I choose to.
I know I deserve better than him and what he has done to me and our marriage. As others have said on here, he is the lowest of low to leave his pregnant wife. He clearly is not a man, what kind of man would do that?? No matter what, I know that I have the prize of our MR, my amazing son!
Looking back you will realise you would go through 10 times the grief/stress/worry to have your son . You will have an amazing life soon . Stay strong and keep going , if you fall dust yourself off and get back up again. You can do it !
TH,
This is the truth! I would do anything for him and looking back, would have done anything to have him. I can’t imagine my life without him!
TH,
This is the truth! I would do anything for him and looking back, would have done anything to have him. I can’t imagine my life without him!
And do you think this is healthy?
Steve,
This is referring to my son
Steve,
This is referring to my son
OHHH! Duh. Sorry for being ignorant, that is on me, I should have read back further!