Previous Thread Summary...from 5 months ago...
My W wanted a D due to PA with OM. That fell apart and I did tons of 180s, and my W decided not to D. She declared she will stay as a partner in raising kids only.
Things seemed to be improving until the recent event of my W accidentally sending me a text meant for my BIL. W freaked out and told my BIL what happened. I thought my W had ended her EA with my BIL. I figured it was time to tell my sister about the EA. After W found out, she told me she was filing for D. My W did not file, and has been very angry since...likely she feels trapped. In recent argument, W declared she will not leave me because she does not want to split time with the kids.
...fast forward to 2 weeks ago: my W filed for divorce and set up a temporary orders hearing to kick me out of the house.
I got a lawyer, got the hearing dropped, and we have a mediation date set for May 22.
I am told W will get custody and house. She has agreed verbally to extended visitation with our 3 kids (11,9,7)...would give me 1st, 3rd, 5th weekends, Friday after school until Monday school and Wednesday overnight from and to school.
I still dont want this to happen for us or our kids. We had my youngest sons First Communion this weekend. Priest talked about love and family...my wife was crying. The akward dinner after...everyone was super nice to me as if I had a week to live. It was aweful.
Immediate problem is housing...wife would get house and custody unless I could prove she is a bad mom...not sure if that is a good move. I own the house next door as a rental...finances dictate I move in there to save tons of money, ie $100k cheaper house tgan anything on the market. That would put me next door...and ourvparents live on the same street as each other in another city...talk about awkward visits all around.
So questions I have are: what should I be doing in dealing with wife if any glimmer of hope at turning this around, and what in the world do I do about housing?
She sounds disgusting. I am sorry you had the misfortune of marrying someone like her.
Why cant you fight for 50/50 custody? More fathers are getting this. Especially if you live next door.
Fight for what you would want. Not with the goal of reconciling with someone like her.
Her and BIL deserve each other. You on the other hand seem to deserve a loyal companion and to have equal opportubities to raise your children.
Who is telling you she will get custody?
Like JJ said now a days the courts really strive for 50/50.
My lawyer summed it up as: to get primary custody, she has to show she's a good mom. For me to get primary custody, I have to show I'm a good Dad and she's a bad mom.
We would have joint managing conservatorship...meaning we make joint decisions. She would have primary conservator responsibility on whete they live, though.
My gut feeling is thst my W wants to stay put for a couple more yesrs, then move the kids to another city to be near her sisters and work at the University.
My wife is full on hot mess now...doing phd program, getting 5 hours or less sleep every night, house is a wreck, falling asleep anytime she sits down, etc. Last night, I was awakened st 3:30 am by her putting laundry away...
I really do not think she is the stable person the kids need.
Sorry you're going through this Tate, my ex and I agreed to most everything in S and D and I thank my lucky stars we had a pretty amicable split. I really feel for anyone going through this AND dealing with a spouse that's trying to take everything including the kids.
Immediate problem is housing...wife would get house and custody unless I could prove she is a bad mom...not sure if that is a good move. I own the house next door as a rental...finances dictate I move in there to save tons of money, ie $100k cheaper house tgan anything on the market. That would put me next door...and ourvparents live on the same street as each other in another city...talk about awkward visits all around.
So questions I have are: what should I be doing in dealing with wife if any glimmer of hope at turning this around, and what in the world do I do about housing?
As far as housing, if you can tolerate living next door to your ex then that sounds like the way to go for the time being. That would make things as easy as this can possibly be on the kids. I have a feeling they'll be popping in to your place all the time, so if you get screwed on the custody arrangement then that is a sure way to see them more often than the finding dictates. It would also make things very easy for them on going to and coming home from school since the houses are on the same bus route. You can always move later if it just proves to be too difficult being next to her.
Regarding dealing with your W, well continue to listen and validate when you get the opportunity, but DO fight for your rights in the D. Validating does not mean rolling over and giving her everything she wants. Fight for as much custody as you can get. Fight for your finances. Neither party is "made whole" in divorce, it's all about compromise. Beyond listening and validating just leave her alone and give her time and space. No pursuit, no contact unless it's kid-related.
My lawyer summed it up as: to get primary custody, she has to show she's a good mom. For me to get primary custody, I have to show I'm a good Dad and she's a bad mom.
What is your jurisdiction?
Courts these days WANT to grant 50/50, it's no longer the case in most places that you have to prove the other parent unfit. Neither of you needs to be "primary" (one WILL be for the purposes of legal definition, but joint physical and legal custody is the norm).
Do NOT let this three weekends a month crap become the norm, courts LOVE status quo.
Jurisdiction is Bexar County, TX.
Tonight we went out to dinner as a family for my Wifes birthday...oldest son's request. We get along great and had a great time...seems so strange and surreal that she wants a divorce.
Of course, I called her from work to set plans. She picked up right away and couldnt hear me. She asked if mu BIL could hear her...I must have called while she was talking to my BIL. I let my sister know, and she got a bit mad and asked me to stop poking at her marriage...I told her that its a slippery slope she is on.
My W has never been away from our kids more than a day. So, I figured I would take a trip out of town the weekend before our mediation for my birthday...it would also serve to give her a glimpse of what it will be like after our divorce.
Tate,
I live right outside of Bexar county in Cibolo.
IMO your W is too comfortable. I remember the end of last year and the beginning of this year you were getting great advice on how to handle your Sitch.
You taking one trip want shake your W out of her WWness. Because she stills know you want the M. You have to be done with her.
I Would of beat the snout out of my BIL. I'm sorry that's just me. But you are to tolerable of the entire Sitch. He's calling your W at work and then you call your sister. Put your foot down. Stop just going along with the entire Sitch.
IMO, your W probably sees you as weak, because you know what's going on and you haven't done much to try and change it.
Your W and BIL are being horrible people. I think it's past time they are called out. Stop trying to appeal to your sister, she is doing the exact same thing you are doing.
Grab your balls, stop worrying about your W reactions and start to move forward with your life.
So please don't take a trip to try and get a reaction out of your W it won't work. But when you start to love yourself and RESPECT yourself and take trips and GAL for yourself, it will make a difference.
Unfortunately, I highly doubt Tate will take your advice... During Thanksgiving 2017 he was given a lot of good advice from other DBers, and he took none of it... he was not willing to let her go... Denial must be a dynamic that runs in his family... He sister seems to be the same as Tate...
Tate, you deserve so much better... I am sorry you don't realize it...
I have tried to follow advice to tge extent tgat it did not conflict with what the DB coaches were telling me.
My W has been checked out for quite some time, so me checking out does absolutely nothing.
I was planning on taking tge kids out of town to visit ny parents this weekend since they did not visit us after my sons First Communion. W realized it is Mothers dsy weekend and insisted on joining us. I figure I will stay in town this weekend and take the kids next weekend instead.
I have 2 weeks until mediation, 4 weeks until our 60 day waiting period is up for final signing. I will follow advice, but get your balls back means what in this case?
I have tried to follow advice to tge extent tgat it did not conflict with what the DB coaches were telling me.
My W has been checked out for quite some time, so me checking out does absolutely nothing.
Detachment is not checking out. Please read cadet's link again. This is a common misconception for newbies.
Steve,
Tate is not a newbie.
Get your balls back means. Stop acting like a family with your W. Your W wants to come with you to your parents house. Why? She is cheating with your BIL. Stop acting like a M couple. She has given up having mother's day like a M couple, she cheating and she has filed D.
Get your balls back means, stop tolerating what your W and BIL are doing. Stop calling your W at work. Stop having dinner with your W at home. Get out the house on your own. Detach, stop being afraid to lose your W, because frankly at this point she is not afraid to lose you.
Let her go. Let go of the DEAD M, you are currently in. You can never go back to that M. If your W and you Recon, you and your sister will have to not deal with each other no more. Is that what you want?
Your W wants to be with BIL, walk up to your W and say I'm fighting for 50/50 custody and the house. I want just stand around allow you to make me a weekend dad.
Are you tired of being in this Sitch yet? If so walk up to your W and say I'm done (you have to mean it). Does that mean you'll can't get back together in the future, No.
And I agree your W has to feel what's its like to not have you around, but not for just a weekend but for the rest of her life. She must feel that you will never come back. And you have to be completely done for that to happen.
You want a chance to get your W back, start respecting yourself by not tolerating what your W is doing. Stop doing things with her that make her feel comfortable at having a family life on one end and her AP on the other.
Oh yeah, that's a blast from the past. I think it was almost two years ago that I offered to wear a bikini to Tate's family beach party and b*tch slap his BIL. I'm too lazy to look through the archives...
Steve,
Tate is not a newbie.
Oh, yep see that now. Still a common misconception that detachment means silence, ignoring, checking out. I know I feel into that trap too.
Your posts make me so sad. You and your sister are choosing to bury your heads in the sand while your spouses carry on an affair with eachother and you all act like a happy family. It is so sad. You are both experiencing some awful denial.
I may have told you this story, but a close family member of mine is having an A. Her H doesn't know, and she said to me "If my H found out, he probably still wouldn't leave me or be a man about it, and he would turn his head the other way. I can't tell you how much of a turn-off that is, he has no balls" She has told him she is unattracted to him and staying with him for the kid and there will be no sex. And the fact that he is willing to live with that turns her off even MORE.
This is what you are currently doing by pretending. You think a weekend trip with your kids will bring her back from an A? No, she will probably realize how nice it is to have a weekend alone. Please, us mother's love that.
Your toleration of her disgusting and disrespectful actions I can just about guarantee are very unattractive in her eyes.
And how is this benefitting you in any way, playing happy family while she is having an affair WITH A FAMILY MEMBER?!
You can bury your head in the sand hoping by some miracle she will just decide she wants to be committed and treat you with love and respect (highly unlikely) or you can continue to bury your head in the sand and understand your present situation will not change if keep going as you are, or, you can begin to respect yourself and not tolerate what your wife is doing,
The choice is yours. At this point, the outcome is dependent on your decisions, not hers.
I remember the advice you got during Thanksgiving here and I can't believe you're still at the same place where you were. I cannot echo more what others have already said and Ginger just really broke it down for you.
I see a man in denial desperately clinging on to hope that some thing will turn this ship around. Where is your self-respect man? Seriously - she is messing around with a family member. Why haven't you burned the house to the ground figuratively speaking. What do you think your kids are going to think of you when they get older and understand the whole situation? If nothing else, you have an obligation towards your kids to show that such massive disrespect, humiliation, and shameful behaviour will never be tolerated.
I feel you and not wanting to jump off the cliff with your arms wide open. But trust in yourself that you will fall for a while, but will eventually glide and find your feet firmly on the ground. You cannot keep standing on the edge forever - just let go.
I may have told you this story, but a close family member of mine is having an A. Her H doesn't know, and she said to me "If my H found out, he probably still wouldn't leave me or be a man about it, and he would turn his head the other way. I can't tell you how much of a turn-off that is, he has no balls" She has told him she is unattracted to him and staying with him for the kid and there will be no sex. And the fact that he is willing to live with that turns her off even MORE
This story reminds me of how you conveyed the coach's advice. According to you, the advice was not to tell your sister that your W was cheating with her H, and you were told not to tell the parents and to go on with family events as if nothing had happened. So, that is exactly what you chose to do.
You wouldn't even respond when we asked you not to leave us hanging. So, I don't know why you are asking
us about being the next door neighbor to your cheating wife.
Got it on moving on. I know I am clinging on to my kids right now, not my wife...I have an overpowering desire to be with my kids every second. This unfortunately puts me at home a lot. And, yes, I went to dinner as a family because my oldest son wanted me there...I guess that was the wrong move.
As far as my sister goes, she keeps facilitating our families getting together. She makes plans with my W without me knowing. I dont get how she can do that...my W is trying to f### her husband yet she sets up playdates at her house.
Yes, I am acting out of fear...my W has laid out a very generous visitation schedule...if we have to fight over visitation, I will come out with the short end of the stick.
So, specific actions I need to take: do not go on any trips or outings with wife included, go out and do own thing...do not help wife with chores...
Ok, example event...sons school concert this Thursday...go on own, sit separate from family, do own thing after?
Another is this weekend. W wants to go out of town with kids to visit her mom on mothers day...stay home and do own thing?
Next weekend...go out of town with kids to visit my patents, exclude wife?
So, specific actions I need to take: do not go on any trips or outings with wife included, go out and do own thing...do not help wife with chores...
[/color] Continue to do chores, but don't pick up after your W or take on her load. Do your share and that's it.
Yes, please GAL. Yes, please stop involving your W.
Ok, example event...sons school concert this Thursday...go on own, sit separate from family, do own thing after?
[color:#3366FF] Go to the event, sit next to your other kids and not next to you WW. The event is for your son, and you should to always to be apart of their lives.
Another is this weekend. W wants to go out of town with kids to visit her mom on mothers day...stay home and do own thing?
[/color]Don't stay at home. Find something to do. Find something to get your mind off of your Sitch. Go buy some new clothes. Be dressed and ready to rock when that day hits. Since you live near SA, go to the river walk theres always events down there.
Next weekend...go out of town with kids to visit my patents, exclude wife?
[color:#3366FF]Yes, exclude your WW. But you should let her know you are taking the kids. You can say, "Next weekend I'm taking the kids to my parents house". Don't even invite her. If she ask do you want her to come. You tell her I rather it just be the kids and I. This is the beginning of showing her what D will look like. It's no more have Tate consider her for family events, you are moving on.
I don't know what lawyer you talked, but the lawyer I talked too, never told I didnt have a chance to get 50/50 and keep my house. The entire process is a negotiation. If if you and her can't agree, the judge might decide you'll sale the home. And my W is a stay at home mother. Stop just laying down. If this lawyer isnt giving the advice you want to hear, go talk to other lawyers. This lawyer sounds like they just want the case and not the fight.
I hope you can understand my post with my messed up color scheme.
As far as my sister goes, she keeps facilitating our families getting together. She makes plans with my W without me knowing. I dont get how she can do that...my W is trying to f### her husband yet she sets up playdates at her house.
Maybe her husband is f***ing both of them, and she's ok with that? SIL is now sister-wife? Stranger things have happened. In the end, this is about YOU and not your sister, so sitting there and going "hey, what the heck is going on here?" when you KNOW what's going on on YOUR side isn't exactly doing you any good.
Yes, I am acting out of fear...my W has laid out a very generous visitation schedule...if we have to fight over visitation, I will come out with the short end of the stick.
The "generous" visitation you describe seems to be the Texas Standard Possession Order.
My lawyer confirmed again today tgat if I try to fight for possessive custody, Im going to lose unless I can show my W has a major problem like drugs, etc. We will have joint managerial custody.
Same with child support...he said judge woukd rule for standard child support no matter tge visitation percentage...basically judges will rule for higher earner to pay lower if lower has primary possessive custody.
Note on previoes coaches...yes, the coaches were adamant that i not let my sister or family know.
As far as GAL, my problem is I tend to be a homebody...
I exercise often outside and am in great shape, work on the yard, and projects around the house. I try to spend the rest of my time with my kids. So GAL will take time away from my kids. My eife has complained in the past that I spent too much time out of the house...so some of my 180s were spending more time inside with the kids.
I exercise often outside and am in great shape, work on the yard, and projects around the house. I try to spend the rest of my time with my kids. So GAL will take time away from my kids. My eife has complained in the past that I spent too much time out of the house...so some of my 180s were spending more time inside with the kids.
How about spending more time outside of the house WITH the kids. No need to involve the W. But aside from this, you need to have your own life. Heck just get out of the house for a few hrs, take a drive and listen to some loud music. Get her wondering your where abouts. You need to stop living your life based on what your wife thinks. BE THE BEST TATE. Geez i cant believe she is having an A with BIL, makes things so much more complicated. Heck, i dont even think i would want a reconcile from this, she is messing with your Marriage and your sisters.
You have gotten some sound advice from many here on how to proceed. I can understand that there is love for W and children, but at some point you need to start loving yourself.
I'm new here and my sitch is still fresh so dont take my advice to heart, just giving my opinion on what i feel you need to do. Keep your head up Tate
Yeah, the BIL thing screws everything up. Just my wife having affair with someone else is easier to deal with. This BIL and my sister were the go to family to visit. I almost get the feeling that everyone knowing what was going on was the last straw for my W...she had no reason left to stay...she screwed up my whole family and is now running away from it, leaving her mess for us to clean up.
My sister is worried about her marriage failing over this by what I can tell...and she should be. In some twisted way, she deserves better and I eish he would lose her over this. Then both my wife and he would be single but could never be together...not with any family member ever wanting to see them again. I know, twisted...
Tonight is a chance for me to go out. W has a braek from grad school, kids will be home, I have the evening open.
So, this is the hard part for me...I go out and dont spend time with my kids? They will have friends over after school and will need to do school work after, so I cannot take them out with ne...my norm would be to come home asap and help tgem with schoolwork and play games with tgem until bedtime.
You are getting great advice.
Fight for 50/50.
There are a lot of lazy lawyers out there that look at how much you have have amd then write you off and make it about getting a fast settlement. Some of them have arrangements with opposing counsel as well.
Get some other legal advice, google mens rights attorneys.
Look up zues old posts. His wife was a stay at home mom without a degree and hebworked full time. He fought hard for it, proved he was a good dad and won.
The courts now want what is best for the kids.
I know a LBS dad that didnt fight for partial custody but he wpuld have easily gotten it cause his wife worked 2 jobs. He wanted her back. He still wants her back, and you should hear the stuff she says abput him.
Shes the type that wants to live beypnd her means amd she likes to go out and date. So she leaves her kid with tons of baby sitters. He coudnt afford to stay on the same area and pay her child support, so he moved far away.
He still makes a huge effort to see the kids though and he is a great dad.
Why does your sister deserve better, but you don't?
I see no reason why you couldn't get 50/50. None at all. She doesn't have to be proven unfit for that. I would speak to a different lawyer.
Tate,
You are once again back tracking. You know what you need to do. You can make excuses until the cow moos, but please stop. GO OUT, GET OUT. Your kids know you love them.
You can't become your best version until you let go. You questions show a lot of excuses to try and stay around.
Your W is D you. Show her the best Tate she will be walking away from.
Also, IMO you are still trying to make your W happy, please don't take what she offers you. Fight back and force her to negotiate. Show her the man she will be leaving. A fighter, a person that don't just get rolled over. And walk away from thatvlawyer that want even fight for you. Look up the number one divorce lawyer in San Antonio. She is good, and she will tell you, she can get you 50/50.
I am fighting for 50/50...to fit out schedules, that will be 1st, 3rd, 5th weekends school till school, monday and wednesday stayovers year round plus 1 month summer.
What I am told I cannot get is primary possessive ...my kids to have my address as tgeir permanent.
Tate,
It's up to the judge not your lawyer. You tell your lawyer what you want. You shoot for the stars and land on the moon.
We are scheduled for mediation, not trial, on May 22.
Tonight is my sons concert. I will show up to see it then do my own thing after.
Wife asked if I wanted to go out of town this weekend to visit our Moms for mothers day. I nicely responded that I won't be going.
Yestetday and today, she has been iniating conversations about her crazy schedules. I only validate by acknowledging how stressful it must be for her.
I could not sleep last night, but I'm still putting on my happy face every second I'm around my W and kids. Its tough...
I am fighting for 50/50...to fit out schedules, that will be 1st, 3rd, 5th weekends school till school, monday and wednesday stayovers year round plus 1 month summer.
What I am told I cannot get is primary possessive ...my kids to have my address as tgeir permanent.
Ok, so you get to see your kids 50% of the time, there is no reason why you won't get joint, and really, the only difference is the physical address. So, yeah, I wouldn't argue over that. My ex an di have joint custody, I have 70% and he has 30% (something like that) and my address is my daughter's address. however, decision making in her regard is done jointly.
So, yeah, I wouldn't fight the address thing unless you guys are going to live far apart.
And why does she get the house again? Anyhow, if she does, your kids will attend the same school district as they were.
We will have joint managerial custody, 50/50 time with kids, but she will have possessive conservatorship...ie their address is hers. Reason this will become a problem is that she will likely want to move to another city to be closer to her family. Unless I prove that this will be devastating to my kids lives, the court will grant it. If I am possessive, then she can move but would have to also gain possessive to take the kids with her.
Okay, so tonight is another evening I can do my own thing...should I be going out every night I can? It seems riugh on my kids, and its painful for me...I just want to be with my kids.
I know I can take them, nut my wife will try to join us...
Going out on my own is GAL, but it takes me away from where I want to be...with my kids. Besides that, it just gives my W what she wants...kids and not me.
I try to go with just my kids and my W will join us or take her own car.
Advice?
Going out on my own is GAL, but it takes me away from where I want to be...with my kids. Besides that, it just gives my W what she wants...kids and not me.
I try to go with just my kids and my W will join us or take her own car.
Advice?
It is really hard to get through to you.
let's just focus on my why you and your W don't ever want to be without the kids ever. That's really not healthy. Sure, I love my daughter more than anything, but I need some time away, with adults only. Most parents do. It's healthy for you, it's healthy for them, and it's healthy for married couples.
Stop making excuses. You cannot stay home to try to keep her away from your BIL. She'll do what she wants. It's doesn't change anything if you lessen their time together. So don't worry about what consequences you actions have on her.
Do you have friends? A hobby? Maybe it's time. it's ok to be a homebody and with your kids, but you have to really find out who you are outside of that. You might be surprised.
Not making excuses. I went out a couple nights ago, met my son at his conxert yesterday.
Im just pointing out that anything that takes me away from my W is also taking me away from my kids. I feel like Im abandoning them when they need me the most.
I do have hobbies...I work on cars, and I race bicycles. The training rides take me away from my family two evenings during the week and Saturday mornings. I usually work outside on projects a good part of Saturday also.
One of my W complaints in the past was that I would go out of town for races and leave her with the kids. I stopped racing anything but local events a couple years ago and stopped riding on Sundays to spend more time with my family. I madebit a point to go on more of the small out of town trips to visit family...my W travels out of town about every other weekend to see extended family.
Im not trying to be hard headed, I just do not understand what I should be doing...I am out of the house about 10 hours a week texercising/training/being with friends. I have to be home 2 other evenings to take cate of my kids while W is in class.
That leaves me Friday evening and saturday evening through sunday evenings open.
When you are out of the house for these 10 hours, is you sitch and you family being back home constantly on your mind?
No way...Im busy with all out physical efforts.
Maybe thats why I seem stubborn...I already GAL. ...in the past maybe too much according to my wife. One of my 180s a year ago was spending more time with my damily and letting the projects go a bit.
I know I can take them, nut my wife will try to join us...
She has filed for divorce, so tell her NO! She's in love with your brother-in-law, so tell her NO! The two of you have the oddest dynamic... It doesn't seem real to me... And I contort my mind just trying to get either of you... You both seem extremely stubborn... So set in your behaviors... I would love to shake you both out of what you each find comfortable... But I would be happy to just to get you to come to your senses... But you have to willing... Aye, there's the rub...
My W is convinced that our divorce is our family exactly the same but us living in 2 houses...she actually said that.
Me likely living next door is not going to help this dillusion either. Nor is my sister still inviting my W to stuff...I asked my sister to stop, but she wants tge kids to still see each other...I suggested I am the only one to bring tge kids over
Tate,
I always felt like you should not live next to your W. You need to get space and distance. You can rent that other house out. Your W has to feel your lost and you living next door won't do that.
She is living in a fantasy. She thinks she will be able to come knock on the door and get your assistance anytime she wants or need you.
That's why its so important for you to make her start to feel what it's like to not have you around starting now.
Yeah, trust me, I do not want to live next door...problem is finances. Not sure I can afford a different house. Prices have skyrocketed due to housing shortage. I will eat $30k on the rental house alone...plus whatever I spend extra per month on the new house...horrible financial losses. I can offer to move elsewhere if she pays the difference...
I offered to buy her out of the house....nothing doing. Even kids visitation schedule revolves around her school schedule. Alternate schedules have my kids with sitters half tge time with her...I cannot do that to my kids.
As far as our odd interactions, I think it comes from me wanting to save our marriage and my wife checking out long ago and being used to faking the wife role...filing for divorce is no different a feeling for her.
Tate,
Come on man..... Everytime you write on here you say. I can't, because..........and then end with my W. You can't do it and the reason is always your W. Go back and read every time some person on here gives you advice, your excuse for why you can't involves your W.
Your W is her own number one priority. And she is also your number one priority. She's going to grad school and she send the kids to be with a baby sitter while she's studying. When are you going to make yourself a higher priority than you make your W.
I know the prices in Bexar county. I rented a home in Bexar county last year for 7 years and sold that home last year. You can rent out that home next to your W for way more than what the mortgage is. You can also find an apartment until you get on your feet to buy another house.
IMO you have an unhealthy attachment problem to your kids and W. We all love our kids on this board, and there have been a lot that have the same attachment as you but they have found ways to move on and separate themselves from their unhealthy Sitch. Look at MTB. He's still caring for his children and he has moved on from his W. He has not stopped loving her, but he has stop taking her disrespectful sh$t.
Every Sitch is different, but for some reason you have more excuses than others.
Start thinking about what does a person only a fool would leave, will look like from who you are and who your W is. And I can tell it wont be the ExH husband living next door, paying his W child support. Become a Alpha again.
As far as our odd interactions, I think it comes from me wanting to save our marriage and my wife checking out long ago and being used to faking the wife role...filing for divorce is no different a feeling for her.
No. That's not it... Just about every man who comes here wants to save his marriage, and has a wife who has checked out... Most LBH may not require their WW to do the work (same as you... You all tend to make excuses for your WWs) but they at least start working on themselves at differing levels... You have yet to work on yourself...
You have gotten top-notch advice during all of your segments, (you have segments because you come here for a time, then disappear, then resurface with your situation being worse than before)... You have every excuse for why you can't take the advice (which could have saved your marriage, or at the very least, given you your manhood back)... But you keep doing what you do, make no real changes, and now your WW has filed... i told you she would... And again, your situation is worse, and you are still making excuses... Perhaps this hard-headedness is something your wife is turned off by? I don't know...
In any case, you are in a different place now, that has been forced on you... 180s that would have impressed your W in the beginning will not do it now... Going on weekends away with her and the kids... Too little, too late... You seem determined to stay ATTACHED... I can see that even if the D becomes final, and WW ends up with BIL, you will still somehow be attached... Don't fool yourself into thinking it won't happen because family won't accept it... WW and BIL won't care about that... Who knows, your sister may still invite them over for dinners and weekends...
DETACH!!!
My W is convinced that our divorce is our family exactly the same but us living in 2 houses...she actually said that.
Me likely living next door is not going to help this dillusion either. Nor is my sister still inviting my W to stuff...I asked my sister to stop, but she wants tge kids to still see each other...I suggested I am the only one to bring tge kids over
I don't get you, I don't get your wife and I don't get your sister... You say your sister is worried about all of this causing her marriage to fail... But she still invites your wife to her home? Both you and your sister have put the relationship between your kids (who are cousins) before what is best for your marriages... Which may very well result in your kids becoming step-siblings... Well, at least all the kids will be super connected to each other, which seems to be super important to you all... Insert Twilight Zone theme song here...
Ive left and resurfaced several times from this board mainly because I lacked tge time to keep rehashing my sutuation.
So, let me step back and see exactly what I need to do diffetently...Ill start with my schedule: Monday and Wednesday, wife in school, I take cate of the kids, wife comes home late, I have zero ibteraction with her. Tuesday and Thursdays, I go on trainibg bike rides with friends right after work, shower up and put kids to bed, no interaction with wife, go to bed. Fridays vary...usually hang out with the kids while wife does chores, no intetaction with wife. Saturdays, training ride and working outside until lunchtime or later, come in and hang out with kids, no interaction with wife. Sunday, church, them outing as family or hang with kids as wife does school work.
I spend zero time with my wife with exception of church and maybe a famiky outing. I GAL by training with friends, and I spend a lot of time just me with our kids.
When my wife goes out of town, I go about half the time with my family...more in rrcent history than historically. As mentioned, this was a 180 for me...spending more time as a family.
I stayed home this weekend and went out yesterday with a new friend and her kids...NOT a date. Next weekend, I am thriwing a birthday outing with friends and taking the kids out of town solo.
I have been married my entire adult lufe...so, I may not be good at doing tgings on my own...for me. But, how am I not detached?...I do nearly everything on my own or with my kids.
Im frustrated by comments on here as well...I followed advice of coaches after passing on advice from this forum to tge coaches. The comments are very generak, like get your balls back, detach, GAL...I really dont understand what to do differently.
Tate,
I hear what youre saying you are paying for the coaching so you should be taking their advice. The truth is where you are at now you shouldn't be spending money on coaching or MC only IC.
In my situation my wife is nice to me, sleeps in the same bed with me and we still have sex. She cleans my house (I am keeping it in the D) will do my laundry if needed etc.... but she still wants a D. It took me a long time to get where I am at but I just have to let her go.
I do not do a single thing to try to get her to change her mind. You know what? I feel at peace. I know I can look myself in the mirror and say that I gave it my best shot. That's all I need for the day my kids are older and want to talk about it.
You have to try to get to that place. Every decision you make should be in the best interest for you and your kids.
Looking at houses, making lists of assetts, going through the motions of divorce, but I still do not believe this is what my wife really wants.
I know what everyone is thinking...Tate is in denial.
Maybe, but hear me out. So my W asked me to get together to list assetts. I told her I have a list already. She asked me for thevlist to which I nicely suggested she make her own list so we can see the things we each forgot. She got mad and insisted I stop wasting her time making a list if I already have one. I again suggested she make a fresh list. Her response became something like...this is why we dont get along, if you are asking why I filed for D, this is why.
So, my W is upset, but more importantly, she is NOT indifferent. A wise friend of mine stated this today...the opposite of love is not hate...its indifference. My wife is not indifferent to me or us.
This got me thinking...my wife has never had a chance to miss me, us, or the kids. Would there be value in me delaying our mediation scheduled for next week, getting kicked out of the house via temporary orders just to force a separation? I dont really see a downside to doing this.
And to those who will respond, GAL, do it only for you, work on yourself...well, this would be a good way for me to continue doing this. As I mentioned, I went out with a new friend Saturday while my aw was out if town with the kids. I felt *awesome* the next day. In fact, after my family returned in the evening, I put on a headset, listened to good music, and made some new life playlists as I called them. Later tgat evening, my wife stopped me, looked at me strangely, and said, "youre acting strange." ...and I was for me...and I felt great.
Tate,
I'm trying to stay away, but your Sitch has me up at night. Aint that something.
Please, please, please, stop trying to do things to get a reaction out of your W. This has and is your problem. Every thing you do is to get a reaction out of your W. Let your W go. The faster you can catch on to this, the better chance you have of getting her back.
Please go back and read thru your thread, I know I mentioned your W hasn't had time to miss you. I'm glad you are now seeing this but, her missing you will only come from you detaching fully. You won't have any strings attach and you won't care if she stays or goes when you are fully detached.
Stop trying to control the Sitch and stop trying to mind read. If she is indifferent shouldn't matter to you at the moment. She is having an A. Im pretty sure she might be indifferent, but you staying attach will only keep her that way.
See what happened when you smiled and went about your life. She was confused. You are becoming a different person to her. Now it's time to become mysterious. Keep smiling, and keep moving forward. You are on your on track now. Stay on your track and stop worrying about what she is doing on hers.
I also know you want specifics, so stop doing things and then look back to see if your W is watching. She will let you know she is watching with her comments.
You were right to Tell her to make her own list. You didnt bail her out of her responsibility. She wants a D, let her do her own work. Her comment wasn't her being indifferent IMO, it was her being selfish and trying to guilt you into doing the work. She knows you don't want the D. So expect from now on, anytime she doesnt get what she wants, she will use the D as a way to try and get her way, a way to try and scare you and keep you attach. Your comment, to her when she brings up D should always be, "this is not what I want this is what you want". And leave it at that. Don't argue or try and plead your case, that simple comment will be enough. Then you keep on smiling, poking your chest and showing her the best Tate ever. The Tate only a fool would leave.
She wants the D, she needs to do the work... Why should you help her? Your WIs selfish to the Nth degree... She needs to come up with her own list and anything else she needs for her D...
Honestly, next time she says something like,"This is why I am divorcing you," you should respond, "Let's be honest. We both know BIL is the reason you are divorcing me." And walk away...
I did respond to her that I dont owe her anything when she tried guilting me into helping her. When she started complaining about getting too little sleep, I responded with a simple "thats not my problem".
Do not try to do stuff just to get a reaction out of her. You have to face the fact that your M is over. You might form a different relationship with your W somewhere down the line, but for the time being, that's it.
I know it's hard to get it. IT's damned hard. But until you detach, you will not progress. I know this site is called divorce busting, but the best thing you can hope for is to save yourself. Which is paramount, really. You cannot advance yourself if you do not save yourself first.