Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/28/18 03:19 AM
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/28/18 04:57 AM
Sandi / Vanilla,
If there is anything else about WW you want to know to help better understand, please just ask. I'd be happy to provide any further details that would allow you to better advise me on what my WW's situation is and how I should proceed, beyond the obvious DB'ing stuff.
I want to keep on hoping things could improve, but i look at some of the other threads, and i feel like WW and i have been separated too long already, shes got too much invested in her new social circle from her job, which includes OM.
I am self focused on GAL, but i know until the chips fall and settle ill always have this glimmer of hope that i can save my family, despite all the efforts i have made to disconnect and don my emotional armor.
What a disappointment.
I was so excited to live our lives together.
I thought we wanted the same things. I thought we were soul mates.
"Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny"
~C.S. Lewis
If there is anything else about WW you want to know to help better understand, please just ask. I'd be happy to provide any further details that would allow you to better advise me on what my WW's situation is and how I should proceed, beyond the obvious DB'ing stuff.
I want to keep on hoping things could improve, but i look at some of the other threads, and i feel like WW and i have been separated too long already, shes got too much invested in her new social circle from her job, which includes OM.
I am self focused on GAL, but i know until the chips fall and settle ill always have this glimmer of hope that i can save my family, despite all the efforts i have made to disconnect and don my emotional armor.
What a disappointment.
I was so excited to live our lives together.
I thought we wanted the same things. I thought we were soul mates.
"Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny"
~C.S. Lewis
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/28/18 08:22 AM
Orange
I am very reluctant to give my view. This is a pro M website although I feel some M are so abusive they should not be repaired.
I think yours is one of these.
Whilst (like many that are abused) you were targeted by this woman then you have been treated so shabbily and with no feeling that there are signs of trauma bonding.
This isn't victim hood.
None of this is your fault, none of it. This sitch you find yourself in is very terrifying for your mental health. You may wish to read either Schermann or Mustardseed thread to see this level of eggshell damage.
I have an abuse councillors view of this, there are few actions more damaging than lying to get you arrested and treated to police actions.
Honey, please go NC, stay away from WW, don't communicate, no Joseph letter. Grey Rock is the order of the day.
Breaking a trauma bond is very troubling and hurts. You will have to walk to the pain and look to you. It's a long process.
Your WW has no formal diagnosis and I don't like to do so as I don't know you or her other than that which you have posted here.
I can however observe that her actions towards her child are very cold indeed and her use of you for her own ends gives me the shivers.
So briefly those who are cold are generally diagnosed as anti social rather than narcissistic (which is a trait). WW has no fears on how she looks to the world which makes her behaviour both overt and malignant. I don't believe you need a formal clinical diagnosis, it's enough to say she behaves in a cold and deeply abusive way.
It is my view that DB in these circumstances is for you, you are the one here on this board, bewildered and confused. You are the one standing for M, for its principles. You are here for your child and to repair you. DB saved my life for which I am eternally grateful. There is nothing to stop you standing for M if you so wish. To do so until you are ready to let go of this M and this WW. To become healthy for you and your child.
This kind of abuse can really harm you psychologically and drive you to ill health. There are many crazy loco (cognitive dissonance) issues for you to handle. These include absolute discard and cold contact with early love bombing, blame and false accusations with protests of love, ignoring her child vs maternity. These are very hard things to know and reconcile. It sends you mind looping and confusion ensues
There are many of us who have walked this journey before you and emerged the other side healthier in mind and body. It isn't an easy journey to reconcile the irreconcilable.
I am here to listen Orange. This isn't what you wanted to hear and this is not my normal message. I do post to those who have abuse in their sitch mainly because that is my own experience.
This is very tough stuff and you have a precious child to protect.
I always give those I post to a choice they can say no V and I will back off.
Those are my thoughts
Hugs
V
I am very reluctant to give my view. This is a pro M website although I feel some M are so abusive they should not be repaired.
I think yours is one of these.
Whilst (like many that are abused) you were targeted by this woman then you have been treated so shabbily and with no feeling that there are signs of trauma bonding.
This isn't victim hood.
None of this is your fault, none of it. This sitch you find yourself in is very terrifying for your mental health. You may wish to read either Schermann or Mustardseed thread to see this level of eggshell damage.
I have an abuse councillors view of this, there are few actions more damaging than lying to get you arrested and treated to police actions.
Honey, please go NC, stay away from WW, don't communicate, no Joseph letter. Grey Rock is the order of the day.
Breaking a trauma bond is very troubling and hurts. You will have to walk to the pain and look to you. It's a long process.
Your WW has no formal diagnosis and I don't like to do so as I don't know you or her other than that which you have posted here.
I can however observe that her actions towards her child are very cold indeed and her use of you for her own ends gives me the shivers.
So briefly those who are cold are generally diagnosed as anti social rather than narcissistic (which is a trait). WW has no fears on how she looks to the world which makes her behaviour both overt and malignant. I don't believe you need a formal clinical diagnosis, it's enough to say she behaves in a cold and deeply abusive way.
It is my view that DB in these circumstances is for you, you are the one here on this board, bewildered and confused. You are the one standing for M, for its principles. You are here for your child and to repair you. DB saved my life for which I am eternally grateful. There is nothing to stop you standing for M if you so wish. To do so until you are ready to let go of this M and this WW. To become healthy for you and your child.
This kind of abuse can really harm you psychologically and drive you to ill health. There are many crazy loco (cognitive dissonance) issues for you to handle. These include absolute discard and cold contact with early love bombing, blame and false accusations with protests of love, ignoring her child vs maternity. These are very hard things to know and reconcile. It sends you mind looping and confusion ensues
There are many of us who have walked this journey before you and emerged the other side healthier in mind and body. It isn't an easy journey to reconcile the irreconcilable.
I am here to listen Orange. This isn't what you wanted to hear and this is not my normal message. I do post to those who have abuse in their sitch mainly because that is my own experience.
This is very tough stuff and you have a precious child to protect.
I always give those I post to a choice they can say no V and I will back off.
Those are my thoughts
Hugs
V
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/28/18 10:42 AM
Vanilla.
Read this on my phone.
Will digest and respond in detail later tonight.
Thank you.
Read this on my phone.
Will digest and respond in detail later tonight.
Thank you.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/28/18 11:04 AM
Originally Posted By: OrangeK
Vanilla.
Read this on my phone.
Will digest and respond in detail later tonight.
Thank you.
Read this on my phone.
Will digest and respond in detail later tonight.
Thank you.
Let it marinade there is no rush. There is a lot to think about and it's ok to let your thoughts on it go back and forward.
I would prefer you take your time, this is very tough stuff and it's ok to give it gravitas.
V
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/28/18 04:19 PM
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
I am very reluctant to give my view. This is a pro M website although I feel some M are so abusive they should not be repaired.
I think yours is one of these.
Please don't be reluctant. After the "event" in jan that resulted in the RO, I began my research, and a lot of it lead me to information on personality disorders and whatnot. I've read into the dark triad and cluster B and so on. I have thick skin. I'd much prefer your opinions, even if they be harsh.
The Truth often isn't pretty, but it's better than shielding yourself from it IMO. So please, be blunt, i appreciate it.
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Whilst (like many that are abused) you were targeted by this woman then you have been treated so shabbily and with no feeling that there are signs of trauma bonding.
I've read a fair bit about trauma bonding but it still seems to escape me. As far as her having no feeling, I am still lost if she truly "has no feeling" or if shes just stuffing it so deep down because shes scared of the guilt of what shes done (more than once apparently) that she has convinced herself she doesn't have feelings about it.
She told me time and time again when we were still talking
"I don't know what happened, i just.....checked out emotionally"
She must have said that exact sentence several times.
I also got the ILYBINILWY, "I don't know" was the answer to many questions. When I was still heavily pursuing she would reply angrily with "How am i supposed to give you answers to questions i dont have?!"
These questions included, "How could you go from loving me enough to marry me to cheating on me in 6 months?"
WW: "IDK"
Me: "Are you ever going to miss me? do you love me?"
WW: "IDK"
and so on.
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
None of this is your fault, none of it. This sitch you find yourself in is very terrifying for your mental health.
Up until recently it really was. I had lost about 35lbs overall. wasnt sleeping, almost lost my job, twice. I am PLAGUED with thoughts about her, our M, Our son, the betrayal. If i could forget it all i would in a heartbeat. Its such a burden to carry and think about all the time.
Thankfuly the last 2-3 weeks have been a good improvement.
the "waves", as i have come to call them, of fury, depression, crippling sorrow, and mood swings in general, have significantly decreased in intensity and frequency.
I do still worry about when I see WW in court or for parenting reasons, as i A.) dont know how I will react to seeing her, speaking with her. B.) am not entirely confident in my ability at this time to stand my ground and stick to my boundaries if she were to try and test them.
I am in a much better place to do that than i was however.
At the same time, a great fear i still struggle with is "Will she STAY with OM forever? is he actually better for her than me? Will she ever realize or acknowledge what she has done to me and S3? Did she ever even actually love me? does she even know how, or what love is? or is she "in love" with limerence and "butterflies" only?
(she mentioned "losing the butterflies for me")
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Honey, please go NC, stay away from WW, don't communicate, no Joseph letter. Grey Rock is the order of the day.
Currently i cant do anything but NC even if i wanted otherwise.
When RO is lifted i dont plan on changing that philosophy, other than S3 related stuff that is, and even with that, Grey Rock, I plan on waiting to respond to things, and talking to support IRL and here before I do.
Lastly, What is a "Joseph Letter"?
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
those who are cold are generally diagnosed as anti social rather than narcissistic (which is a trait). WW has no fears on how she looks to the world which makes her behaviour both overt and malignant.
"Has no fears on how she looks to the world"
This seems to be partially the case, as she knows the affair is basically full blown public knowledge, and im sure has had people ask about it, and had to vilify me / lie to cover her tracks.
However, when her and I began dating, she didnt take long AT ALL before she was all over social media about us and how in love she was and so on. Since she began seeing OM, her social media slowly faded and has now completely ceased. I know Social Media was always very important to her, and i believe she sought A LOT of attention through instagram. to the point where she would copy other peoples posts (this alienated friends and family, like my brothers wife), or embellish the truth on her own. She used to present a sparkly fun amazing life on instagram (a reason i feel she may have gone through with the wedding , despite already beginning to "check out, LOOK AT ALL THE PRETTY PHOTOS!)
She is charming, and personable and sweet. Everyone who first meets her loves her. She is adoreable, and clever and funny.
If she is anything, she is Covert IMO. it helps her lie her story to people when she needs to vilify others. She did it to me about her EX's when we first started dating
"how could ANYONE treat this AMAZING woman like that?,What fools! their loss is my gain!"
boy did i miss red flags huh?
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
It is my view that DB in these circumstances is for you, you are the one here on this board, bewildered and confused. You are the one standing for M, for its principles. You are here for your child and to repair you. DB saved my life for which I am eternally grateful. There is nothing to stop you standing for M if you so wish. To do so until you are ready to let go of this M and this WW. To become healthy for you and your child.
Here is my conflict. My Alamo.
I love this woman, or at least the version of herself she showed me for 3 of the 5 years we were together. I want to stand for my M, i want us to be happy like we were.
But were we really? I was, but was she? will she ever be?
EVERY part of my logic is saying "YOU GOT PLAYED, LEAVE NOW, NO WOMAN NO CRY DUDE!! BAIL!"
EVERY part of my heart, and my emotions is telling me "YOU SWORE A VOW, YOU LOVE HER, SHE IS YOUR WIFE.
I intend to DB no matter what, just with no expectations of results. I have convinced myself she either is sick (cluster B?), and wont change either ever, or until she decides she needs help. Or she is just very hardcore WW / MLC (at 30?!) that she is going to hit bottom sometime, be it 5 days, weeks, months or years, and realize what she tossed away, and what she does (it would need to be monumentous ) and says at that time combined with where I am at will depend on if R is even an option.
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
This kind of abuse can really harm you psychologically and drive you to ill health. There are many crazy loco (cognitive dissonance) issues for you to handle. These include absolute discard and cold contact with early love bombing, blame and false accusations with protests of love, ignoring her child vs maternity. These are very hard things to know and reconcile. It sends you mind looping and confusion ensues
It is awful. the Cog Dis is a real thing. The AMAZING woman i married, and this sometimes "dead in the eyes" looking, cold, emotionless person ARE NOT THE SAME HUMAN BEING IN MY HEAD. It is impossible for me to grasp, but at the same time I do. She went from the most perfect match i could have ever hoped for, then we fell into a routine, as i figured most relationships do, then as soon as we were wed, she turned into an entirely different person.
Im worried i will never love properly again, that ill always compare other women to her, and that i wont be able to trust. Im very turned off to the idea of having more kids or getting married again. I REALLY Wanted to have another child with her. Now im just worried that the one we have is going to be damaged from what she has done or imparted on him genetically.......
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
There are many of us who have walked this journey before you and emerged the other side healthier in mind and body. It isn't an easy journey to reconcile the irreconcilable.
"It isn't an easy journey to reconcile the irreconcilable"
Can it even be done? Isn't that the $1,000,000 question on these forums?
i dont want someone who doesn't want me, and certainly not someone i cant trust or who i think may not even be capable of properly knowing what love is without intensive therapy.
However if those things CAN be accomplished and built, i would dig the Grand Canyon by hand to make it happen.
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
I am here to listen Orange. This isn't what you wanted to hear and this is not my normal message. I do post to those who have abuse in their sitch mainly because that is my own experience.
This is very tough stuff and you have a precious child to protect.
I always give those I post to a choice they can say no V and I will back off.
Truth and honest unfiltered guidance is what i want to hear, and it sounds like you are the one to offer that. I'm buying.
Please don't back off, I am deeply emotional and very raw from this, but ive literally trained to maintain in horrid conditions.
I've pulled dead teenagers from cars in front of their family, I can handle this.
It has CRIPPLED me, but not knocked me out of the fight.
Be blunt, be honest, no sugar coating (Im cutting sugar out of my diet as part of GAL anyway)
Lastly, thank you for reading my sitch and offering your support and wisdom.
I feel like i have real support from people who truly get it here.
Im looking forward to my Sunday with my Son (SOnday
) waiting to her about the apartment, and still searching for more.
Next Court date on RO case is Thursday. Wish me luck, i hope it gets dismissed.
Still waiting to hear about Motion to Hold, might not happen i guess. at judges discretion.
I honestly dont much care either way.
If theD goes forward it might be clensing.
I heard a quote i liked the other day
"Almost everyone will get married more than once in their life, some of you will just re-marry the same person, but with two new versions of yourselves"
Maybe thatll happen to me.
Maybe not.
All i know is the marriage i HAD (or thought it had) is DEAD and GONE.
We either start fresh, or diverge paths for good.
I won't be a doormat or a pushover. I deserve to be happy. plain and simple.
Goodnight.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/28/18 10:30 PM
Let's look at love.
Love is not a feeling (there are basically 6 or 8 feelings, joy, sadness, disgust, anger, surprise amoung them). If you want to look into this please examine the Disney Film inside out. Highly highly recommended for you and your son to watch together. Love is a state like peace or excitement or despair. These states are a choice, and the body can only hold one at a time. That is why GAL is so important it creates a change of body state. It changes your body chemistry.
There is going to be plenty of time after Thursday for those discussions, let's get you through Thursday ordeal and out the other side.
That means a body state of confidence not love for you. Choose to be confident.
Do not rely on WW backing down, and be prepared to eat plates of sh@t sandwiches. See lots of awful behaviour. Be prepared for it and please don't let it take you by surprise (emotion!) As this will take away your confidence. Be prepared to see the acting of her life, be prepared for lies and be prepared for the worst realisations that can ever be. Be prepared for manipulation, false accusations and fabricated evidence. This cold fish knows your son is important to you so be prepared for the start of a set up to separate you from him and be prepared for false accusations of anything.
I truly hope that won't happen, and I will be projecting strength. The key is lack of surprise. Imagine I am watching your back as you go into court and that you are not alone. Arrange a sturdy friend to meet you afterwards. And Eat before you go in, carry water, dress smartly, shirt tie and clean shoes. Have some thing in your hands to stop busy hands. A notepad perhaps. Use the loo before you go in. Meet with L for a quick debrief. Use deodorant on the day and get a haircut on Tuesday. Cover any visible tattoos. No drinking or even sleep aids from Tuesday. Rest Wednesday even if you can't sleep.
Remember you have not done anything wrong, you are falsely accused. Be confident in that and that all the evidence is fabricated. Have your shuff together, be credible, look credible, you may or may not sleep but rest. Be categorical in your denial of anything you don't agree with, and be sure to say you have and you will stay away from WW.
This is trauma but you will get through it. If you are credible, look good and can keep yourself strong then it can go away, they may back down. The courts are busy. I am what is known as a McKenzie friend in the UK and help women who have been falsely accused of assault get through this. There is a saying a scratch beats a bruise in false abuse.
Afterwards be prepared for shock to kick in, you will be on adrenalin so once again eat and get an early night. How you treat yourself in the next 7 days will be very influential for your health.
So back to Love (which is a state). Be prepared to learn that cold fish only M you for the fin support you can give. That's shocking but par for the course.
I don't want to loop you, just prepare you to face the worst which you don't deserve.
After Thursday I will chat here all you like but know I believe you and you have my full support. I will take your post above and analyse it in depth and that will take a few days.
Trauma bond is tough to understand, if you wish to read how that works Joseph2017 also had this dynamic and he is ahead of you on the road. His threads are only 3 in number you may find them helpful.
Zelda and I put together an abuse thread you may find useful as a starter. It's ok, you will get through this.
And in my opinion you were a target.
V
Love is not a feeling (there are basically 6 or 8 feelings, joy, sadness, disgust, anger, surprise amoung them). If you want to look into this please examine the Disney Film inside out. Highly highly recommended for you and your son to watch together. Love is a state like peace or excitement or despair. These states are a choice, and the body can only hold one at a time. That is why GAL is so important it creates a change of body state. It changes your body chemistry.
There is going to be plenty of time after Thursday for those discussions, let's get you through Thursday ordeal and out the other side.
That means a body state of confidence not love for you. Choose to be confident.
Do not rely on WW backing down, and be prepared to eat plates of sh@t sandwiches. See lots of awful behaviour. Be prepared for it and please don't let it take you by surprise (emotion!) As this will take away your confidence. Be prepared to see the acting of her life, be prepared for lies and be prepared for the worst realisations that can ever be. Be prepared for manipulation, false accusations and fabricated evidence. This cold fish knows your son is important to you so be prepared for the start of a set up to separate you from him and be prepared for false accusations of anything.
I truly hope that won't happen, and I will be projecting strength. The key is lack of surprise. Imagine I am watching your back as you go into court and that you are not alone. Arrange a sturdy friend to meet you afterwards. And Eat before you go in, carry water, dress smartly, shirt tie and clean shoes. Have some thing in your hands to stop busy hands. A notepad perhaps. Use the loo before you go in. Meet with L for a quick debrief. Use deodorant on the day and get a haircut on Tuesday. Cover any visible tattoos. No drinking or even sleep aids from Tuesday. Rest Wednesday even if you can't sleep.
Remember you have not done anything wrong, you are falsely accused. Be confident in that and that all the evidence is fabricated. Have your shuff together, be credible, look credible, you may or may not sleep but rest. Be categorical in your denial of anything you don't agree with, and be sure to say you have and you will stay away from WW.
This is trauma but you will get through it. If you are credible, look good and can keep yourself strong then it can go away, they may back down. The courts are busy. I am what is known as a McKenzie friend in the UK and help women who have been falsely accused of assault get through this. There is a saying a scratch beats a bruise in false abuse.
Afterwards be prepared for shock to kick in, you will be on adrenalin so once again eat and get an early night. How you treat yourself in the next 7 days will be very influential for your health.
So back to Love (which is a state). Be prepared to learn that cold fish only M you for the fin support you can give. That's shocking but par for the course.
I don't want to loop you, just prepare you to face the worst which you don't deserve.
After Thursday I will chat here all you like but know I believe you and you have my full support. I will take your post above and analyse it in depth and that will take a few days.
Trauma bond is tough to understand, if you wish to read how that works Joseph2017 also had this dynamic and he is ahead of you on the road. His threads are only 3 in number you may find them helpful.
Zelda and I put together an abuse thread you may find useful as a starter. It's ok, you will get through this.
And in my opinion you were a target.
V
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/28/18 10:45 PM
Zelda and Vanilla Abuse Resource
Joe2017
Also in your tribe and new are Orange, Meg, Marina and 9090
V
Joe2017
Also in your tribe and new are Orange, Meg, Marina and 9090
V
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/29/18 05:18 AM
I think the fact that the divorce that I never wanted is in motion is adding a lot of stress. I've heard a lot of people mention that the whole process takes a long time I have already done first appearance and our first hearing is at the end of May. it is currently set as uncontested call Crow How long can I expect things to take? I feel like time would be my ally in this situation and I'm ready to be patient for the week see what the outcomes will be I have a feeling the wayward reality is going to set in for her sometime before Christmas of this year. lots of sentimental dates coming up Mother's Day Father's Day my birthday I've resolved to disconnect your not have any expectations here but I think Mother's Day is going to be an interesting test as we may be communicating by then and she will likely expect something whether or not she actually says something about it. at this point I have the mindset that the motion to hold is not going to be granted and divorce will move forward and I'm not going to stand in the way if that is the case it's time to take care of myself
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/29/18 09:31 AM
Quote:
lots of sentimental dates coming up Mother's Day Father's Day my birthday I've resolved to disconnect your not have any expectations here but I think Mother's Day is going to be an interesting test as we may be communicating by then and she will likely expect something whether or not she actually says something about it.
You are already going there with your expectations. You are setting yourself up for more pain, frustration, and questions that nobody can answer.
These dates will not affect your WW. They will affect you! You will be watching her to see how she reacts to these holidays/events, and it won't be what you think. These are the type of things you have to shield your own mental/emotional health, instead of wondering about hers.
I'm relieved Vanilla is here. You'll be wise to follow her advice. Please read her posts several times. I am concerned about your expectations in communicating with your WW once the R.O. is lifted. There is a part of you putting hope in that communication. Don't let it prevent you from really hearing what Vanilla is saying.
((hugs))
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/29/18 10:17 AM
I hav been reading them. I would call it more of a curiosity than an expectation really. at least that's the way I'm trying to think of it. no method of eradicating it from my train of thought his work so I'm trying to reframe how I view it instead. the upcoming court cases got me edgy. I wish the twisty stomach and accelerated heart rate of anxiety would just go away. Day to day stuff would be a lot easier if it did..
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/29/18 10:19 AM
Ive been reading the stuff vanilla posted. Joseph2017 stuff has been an interesting mirror. Definitely helpful.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/29/18 06:21 PM
You didn't get played. She didn't plot and execute a scheme to have a relationship with you. She's being true to herself. That should scare you.
When you bond with someone like that, you don't come away unscathed. You don't just divorce and move on. I strongly suggest you get an IC. You're in an incredibly difficult place, and an Internet forum isn't enough. Hardly.
When you bond with someone like that, you don't come away unscathed. You don't just divorce and move on. I strongly suggest you get an IC. You're in an incredibly difficult place, and an Internet forum isn't enough. Hardly.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 03:57 AM
Originally Posted By: ForGump
You didn't get played. She didn't plot and execute a scheme to have a relationship with you. She's being true to herself. That should scare you.
I think I did get played, it was pre-meditated, she did plot and execute a scheme. However i think you are right when you say she is being her true self, I'm starting to feel like the whole thing was planned from Day one and she never actually loved me at all. Its destroying me.
Originally Posted By: ForGump
When you bond with someone like that, you don't come away unscathed. You don't just divorce and move on. I strongly suggest you get an IC. You're in an incredibly difficult place, and an Internet forum isn't enough. Hardly.
I've been seeing an IC, 2 different ones actually, and it doesn't seem to be helping. I only got put on med for a few days, and that was right before the incident that resulted in the TRO. Once that happened i stopped taking them at Dr.'s direction. Haven't gone on meds again since. I still get days where I can hardly function.
Today i such a day.
I seem to run in cycles, One day is normal, i operate as i normally would, dont think about it overly much. Then the next day or two will be a build up where I feel more and more overwhelmed by the stress of the abrupt discard, manipulation, lies and looming court cases. I still don't want to D until things have had time to settle. It stresses me out to no end.
Then after these days of build up, loneliness and missing her, i Get to a day like today.
I miss her terribly, the cognitive dissonance is in full effect, I can hardly function, If she came to me on a day like today i would fold, no resolve. I literally get physical symptoms.
Tight chest, upped heart rate, twisted stomach, waves of physical rage.
I feel legitimately sick. broken
Then usually after a day or two of missing her terribly, crippling depression and usually resulting in me breaking down and sobbing hard for 20-30 min, it seems to release.
Then the day or two following i have a resolve to GAL, be badass, i have the "Eff her, im better off without her" attitude, and i feel great. I WANT THIS TO BE HOW I FEEL EVERYDAY, ALL DAY. THIS IS REALITY.
RINSE AND REPEAT.
I am focused on GAL, NC, going dark, even after RO goes away, but it feels forced. like "fake it till you make it" but like the Make it part isn't really ever going to happen.
I feel like it isn't actually effecting change in my mental state.
I wish i could have her surgically removed from my psyche.
I don't want to miss her, but i do, terribly.
I don't want to love her, but i do, and probably always will. (despite believing it was all an act....)
I know i should never trust or forgive her again but i feel like I would in a heartbeat if she came to temp check.
All i want in the world is for her to want me back, to acknowledge what shes done / is doing, that she made a huge mistake.
I want our old life back, or at least a new, happy version.
I want to be the success story, how infidelity can be overcame.
But I know this is very, very, VERY unlikely, and I'm not HOPING for it or EXPECTING it.
Honestly, I'm trying to convince myself shes basically dead in my mind.
The woman I fell in love with is DEAD.
I KNOW THIS IS ALL DESPERATE CO DEPENDENT BEHAVIOR.
The key thing is, its all internal.
I haven't slipped up and tried to contact her, I've stayed off FB and so on.
This constant back and forth, Sad and Happy, Resolved and depressed cycle is literally making me feel insane.
I know OM doesn't matter. I know he's a downgrade, I know he was only selected because he was in the right place and time.
The typical OM thoughts wont go away.
Is he better? Nicer / kinder?
Better in bed? (although his EX told me months ago this is unlikely...)
Will they be together for a long time? Forever? Get married?
How is he with my son?
Will he hurt Her?
I want to kick the crap out of him.
How can she "love" someone so soon after marrying me?
I know these are ALL fruitless lines of thought, and are only causing me pain, and lastly, unlikely to ever get answers.
I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM.
Nothing is working. Not long term anyway. Its been 7 months since separation. 3 since RO and the last time i saw her in person or spoke to her. Why arent i further along?
Why wont i heal?
How does she have such power over me without even communicating?
Guys, as you can probably tell, this is breaking me.
I need help.
How do i survive this?
Ive gone soooo long with the RO, and kept my cool and havent broken it. I feel like if it gets extended this Thursday I wont be able to stick it out longer.
We cant co parent like this.
Feeling very stranded, broken and weak today.
idk how much longer i can live like this.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 04:14 AM
Orange, I know it's hard, and I get myself in that frame of mind too, but it's best to just force it out of your mind. The more you obsess over her, the worse it will get. This is why GAL is so important, it keeps your mind occupied. Things that work for me when I start to think about W are reading a book, watching TV, doing chores around the house, going for a jog, etc. Anything to get it out of my mind. I catch the thought before it can grow. The second it enters my head, I tell myself, "Stop! This is not going to do any good. Think about something else." I know it's easier said than done, but you will get better at it...
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 04:19 AM
Work is my issue.
Lots of cubicle time. It gives me WAY Too much time to live in my head, way too much time to dwell on her....
That coupled with the trauma bond combined with forced NC.
More and more of what she did, how she manipulated and lied becomes more apparent everyday, and the angrier at her i get the more i miss her. Its F***ED.
Plus she has occupied A LOT of my mind space in a sexual manner lately.
Like A lot. i miss the love and affection, but also the sex life that died ages ago. Seems petty and shallow to miss that and have it occupy so much of my thoughts too.
Lots of cubicle time. It gives me WAY Too much time to live in my head, way too much time to dwell on her....
That coupled with the trauma bond combined with forced NC.
More and more of what she did, how she manipulated and lied becomes more apparent everyday, and the angrier at her i get the more i miss her. Its F***ED.
Plus she has occupied A LOT of my mind space in a sexual manner lately.
Like A lot. i miss the love and affection, but also the sex life that died ages ago. Seems petty and shallow to miss that and have it occupy so much of my thoughts too.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 04:22 AM
Hey Orange,
get your self a good support group. Just like everyone is so helpful and friendly here . Create a fellowship with your friends or relatives so that in times of need or crisis, instead of calling W call them. Hopefully it helps. I know how you feel but as in the Beatles song"I get by with a little help from my friends!" good luck!
get your self a good support group. Just like everyone is so helpful and friendly here . Create a fellowship with your friends or relatives so that in times of need or crisis, instead of calling W call them. Hopefully it helps. I know how you feel but as in the Beatles song"I get by with a little help from my friends!" good luck!
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 04:36 AM
LW,
Thats exactly what i've been doing. Its worked great for Not contacting WW. but i cant get her out of my head, or heart.
I feel like ill be plagued with missing her for the rest of my life.....
Thats exactly what i've been doing. Its worked great for Not contacting WW. but i cant get her out of my head, or heart.
I feel like ill be plagued with missing her for the rest of my life.....
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 04:41 AM
When would you say that you really started to work on mentally and emotionally letting her go? Everything that your describing, for the most part, I went through in the first 3 months or so after my W left.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 04:50 AM
Affair discovered Oct 15th - She moved out next day to her mom's
Oct 16th - Jan 27th - I did EVERYTHING wrong. Begging, pleading, pursuing, sending sentimental stuff, flowers, blaming myself due to gas-lighting. She maintained this entire time that it was a one night stand, relationship wasn't continuing with OM the were "just friends" and "bumped into each other a few times coincidentally" during our separation, which she originally told me was temporary so she could "figure out how to fix the marriage", when she was just keeping the relationship going with OM. Spending time with my son and him.
I didn't begin to try and detach, or got into any research about Personality disorders and DB'ing until Feb.
All of my "breakthroughs" and "realizations" have all occurred during forced NC during Restraining Order.
So to shortly answer your question, I've been trying to detach and GAL / DB for about 3 months now, 2 if you count how long ive known about DB'ing.
Oct 16th - Jan 27th - I did EVERYTHING wrong. Begging, pleading, pursuing, sending sentimental stuff, flowers, blaming myself due to gas-lighting. She maintained this entire time that it was a one night stand, relationship wasn't continuing with OM the were "just friends" and "bumped into each other a few times coincidentally" during our separation, which she originally told me was temporary so she could "figure out how to fix the marriage", when she was just keeping the relationship going with OM. Spending time with my son and him.
I didn't begin to try and detach, or got into any research about Personality disorders and DB'ing until Feb.
All of my "breakthroughs" and "realizations" have all occurred during forced NC during Restraining Order.
So to shortly answer your question, I've been trying to detach and GAL / DB for about 3 months now, 2 if you count how long ive known about DB'ing.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 04:59 AM
Orange
Thank you for the honesty and openness it really helps us understand.
The pain of breaking a trauma bond like this is terrible, and part of the process. You have a wonderful little one in your life to heal for.
Of course it is awful, it is going to be awful. But you will get through it because you are being honest and open. I will not tell you that it is easy, your sitch is one of the toughest there is.
How you feel is absolutely completely normal. There is nothing wrong with it, as I said to Joseph, I would be much more concerned if you were denying. And there are board members here who are in that phase. What has happened the triangulation, false accusations and court, then you know.
That won't make it easy for you, and it's confusing and bewildering as well. That is how it is in these sitches. I asked you to read Joseph's thread so you can read that there are board members who come out the other side. I am one of those.
The cycle is called the Kubler Ross cycle and whilst you are in survival crisis mode it is like being in suspension with nothing to push against. It is uncertain.
It is important that you know it is absolutely completely normal to feel this way, and that it would be worrying if it wasn't. It would deeply concern me if you didn't have the washing machine mind. The daily struggles with your stability and feelings absolutely completely normal too.
You are expecting, mothers day, fathers day, Xmas day, birthdays, anniversaries, any other celebratory day will create change, a sudden realisation of what an awful person she has been and how she needs to repair and atone. I think in your heart you know that a cold fish who behaves this way won't do that, it's just hope over experience. Trust your experience with cold fish expect nothing from her. This type of abuser isn't sentimental, other than if it suits them.
If you are expecting remorse please put those thoughts firmly from your mind.
Let's see Thursday gone and then loop.
Stay strong.
Hugs
V
Thank you for the honesty and openness it really helps us understand.
The pain of breaking a trauma bond like this is terrible, and part of the process. You have a wonderful little one in your life to heal for.
Of course it is awful, it is going to be awful. But you will get through it because you are being honest and open. I will not tell you that it is easy, your sitch is one of the toughest there is.
How you feel is absolutely completely normal. There is nothing wrong with it, as I said to Joseph, I would be much more concerned if you were denying. And there are board members here who are in that phase. What has happened the triangulation, false accusations and court, then you know.
That won't make it easy for you, and it's confusing and bewildering as well. That is how it is in these sitches. I asked you to read Joseph's thread so you can read that there are board members who come out the other side. I am one of those.
The cycle is called the Kubler Ross cycle and whilst you are in survival crisis mode it is like being in suspension with nothing to push against. It is uncertain.
It is important that you know it is absolutely completely normal to feel this way, and that it would be worrying if it wasn't. It would deeply concern me if you didn't have the washing machine mind. The daily struggles with your stability and feelings absolutely completely normal too.
You are expecting, mothers day, fathers day, Xmas day, birthdays, anniversaries, any other celebratory day will create change, a sudden realisation of what an awful person she has been and how she needs to repair and atone. I think in your heart you know that a cold fish who behaves this way won't do that, it's just hope over experience. Trust your experience with cold fish expect nothing from her. This type of abuser isn't sentimental, other than if it suits them.
If you are expecting remorse please put those thoughts firmly from your mind.
Let's see Thursday gone and then loop.
Stay strong.
Hugs
V
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 05:01 AM
The cold, abrupt discard is so freakin traumatizing.
I know my chances of R are next to Zero.
I cant hope or plan on R. I am not. But that doesnt stop the wishing, the what if's and the If i had's.
Ill be honest. DB'ing is helping me manage how i will deal with her, but it doesnt seem to be helping my feelings, or making them go away.
I love her.
I miss her.
I probably always will.
Even though it was false, she was the love of my life.
I cant grasp that the woman i love never existed.
Ill be honest: Right now, in this moment, id rather have her back and manage her abuse than be alone, and watch my son suffer from missing her, and missing us all together.
She got me good.
I know my chances of R are next to Zero.
I cant hope or plan on R. I am not. But that doesnt stop the wishing, the what if's and the If i had's.
Ill be honest. DB'ing is helping me manage how i will deal with her, but it doesnt seem to be helping my feelings, or making them go away.
I love her.
I miss her.
I probably always will.
Even though it was false, she was the love of my life.
I cant grasp that the woman i love never existed.
Ill be honest: Right now, in this moment, id rather have her back and manage her abuse than be alone, and watch my son suffer from missing her, and missing us all together.
She got me good.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 05:07 AM
Honey I know how it is.
I just wish I could reach through the screen and give you the biggest hug.
And yes sometimes the abuse seems preferable to the pain, each cycle will make this worse.
Hug
V
I just wish I could reach through the screen and give you the biggest hug.
And yes sometimes the abuse seems preferable to the pain, each cycle will make this worse.
Hug
V
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 05:15 AM
I dont know what scares me more,
Having the RO extended on Thursday or if it gets dismissed.
I know my plan if it is dismissed is to not reach out to her at all. No clue if she will reach out to me if it is lifted. Im guessing not right at first, and if so, it'll be because she needs something.
I checked today, the motion to put D on hold is still pending, i think the judge might sit on it till May 22nd when we have our first actual divorce hearing scheduled.
Im fighting the temptation to file an order to dismiss All D proceedings, but i feel like that will look like me trying to pursue and control, as well as piss off the court / judge.
No clear path to walk. Pros and Cons for all options.
I just want to talk to her.....
Having the RO extended on Thursday or if it gets dismissed.
I know my plan if it is dismissed is to not reach out to her at all. No clue if she will reach out to me if it is lifted. Im guessing not right at first, and if so, it'll be because she needs something.
I checked today, the motion to put D on hold is still pending, i think the judge might sit on it till May 22nd when we have our first actual divorce hearing scheduled.
Im fighting the temptation to file an order to dismiss All D proceedings, but i feel like that will look like me trying to pursue and control, as well as piss off the court / judge.
No clear path to walk. Pros and Cons for all options.
I just want to talk to her.....
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 05:16 AM
[Orange....V is really spot on and has helped me a ton with putting things for me into perspective.
This is so accurate even in my sitch:
You are expecting, mothers day, fathers day, Xmas day, birthdays, anniversaries, any other celebratory day will create change, a sudden realisation of what an awful person she has been and how she needs to repair and atone. I think in your heart you know that a cold fish who behaves this way won't do that, it's just hope over experience. Trust your experience with cold fish expect nothing from her. This type of abuser isn't sentimental, other than if it suits them.
^^^^^^^^^ This!
O when my W first hit me it took me about 1.5 months before I felt like I could function again. I felt the same feelings you describe after about 3 months I could breathe again and at about 6 months could start to put together some decent days.
I started following what Sandi laid out about 1 month after BD....I followed to a T, there was not much deviation. Truthfully you are probably in the eye of the storm, the worst of it. I couldn't mow the yard without crying. Just know it does get better. I found this board, started seeing an IC, started attending church, doubled up on my Dad duties and did everything I could to have minimal contact and interaction with her. It just takes time.
This is so accurate even in my sitch:
You are expecting, mothers day, fathers day, Xmas day, birthdays, anniversaries, any other celebratory day will create change, a sudden realisation of what an awful person she has been and how she needs to repair and atone. I think in your heart you know that a cold fish who behaves this way won't do that, it's just hope over experience. Trust your experience with cold fish expect nothing from her. This type of abuser isn't sentimental, other than if it suits them.
^^^^^^^^^ This!
O when my W first hit me it took me about 1.5 months before I felt like I could function again. I felt the same feelings you describe after about 3 months I could breathe again and at about 6 months could start to put together some decent days.
I started following what Sandi laid out about 1 month after BD....I followed to a T, there was not much deviation. Truthfully you are probably in the eye of the storm, the worst of it. I couldn't mow the yard without crying. Just know it does get better. I found this board, started seeing an IC, started attending church, doubled up on my Dad duties and did everything I could to have minimal contact and interaction with her. It just takes time.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 05:24 AM
So many different resources and threads mention the importance of WS / or someone with a PD to need to "hit rock bottom" before they start effecting changes and seeing what they did.
I feel awful to wish pain on her, but i want her to smash into rock bottom so hard her teeth crack. She needs it. Shes been babied her whole life.
She needs to experience a hard loss, struggle a hardship ALONE.
but she always has someone there to prop her up (om in this case)
She did mention once that between her EX and Me, that she "was in a really dark place"
this is because she didnt have someone to be in Limerence with.
Shes addicted to the chase, to the butterflies. She cant be alone, it crushes her.
I want her to be forced to be alone, to have to turn the microscope back on herself.
She needs to hit bottom. Hard. Face First.
For my son more than anything.
It may not fix MY Sitch if she does, but she needs help, and the catalyst to make her realize she needs help.
I feel awful to wish pain on her, but i want her to smash into rock bottom so hard her teeth crack. She needs it. Shes been babied her whole life.
She needs to experience a hard loss, struggle a hardship ALONE.
but she always has someone there to prop her up (om in this case)
She did mention once that between her EX and Me, that she "was in a really dark place"
this is because she didnt have someone to be in Limerence with.
Shes addicted to the chase, to the butterflies. She cant be alone, it crushes her.
I want her to be forced to be alone, to have to turn the microscope back on herself.
She needs to hit bottom. Hard. Face First.
For my son more than anything.
It may not fix MY Sitch if she does, but she needs help, and the catalyst to make her realize she needs help.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 06:19 AM
Orange don't put your thoughts and energy into what you wish for her. Put your energy in to being the best you. I know it's easier said then done. Try to stay positive and focus on you and your son.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 06:28 AM
These abusers don't have a rock bottom. Why?
Because they think what they are doing is perfectly fine, nothing wrong with it.
So their behaviour just gets worse.
They can project and blame.
And if you do contact her after the RO is removed, she may set you up for another one, next time it will be worse.
Once they have done this once, you know they have no scruples to do so again. Stay away. Tell your L how you feel and don't tell the court you will stay away if you won't.
V
Because they think what they are doing is perfectly fine, nothing wrong with it.
So their behaviour just gets worse.
They can project and blame.
And if you do contact her after the RO is removed, she may set you up for another one, next time it will be worse.
Once they have done this once, you know they have no scruples to do so again. Stay away. Tell your L how you feel and don't tell the court you will stay away if you won't.
V
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 06:47 AM
O - In some respects your W sounds a little like my EW (the newness of things). I never realized it when I was married to her but looking back my EW always had to have a project or something going on to occupy her time. It was always something "new" and thoughts of it would occupy her all day, every day until she accomplished the task or project and then she would move on to something else. She could never just be still.
I never thought it would manifest itself on me or the kids but now getting D and transitioning her life has been her next project. I firmly believe my EW will continue to do this for the rest of her life until she learns to be happy with who she is and what she has in life. It will continue to impact any other R she has and it will only change IMO if she gets help.
It took me some time but with that and distance I was able to get clarity on my sitch. I know the pain is real but I think as you get stronger you will grow and realize the same things about your sitch as well.
I never thought it would manifest itself on me or the kids but now getting D and transitioning her life has been her next project. I firmly believe my EW will continue to do this for the rest of her life until she learns to be happy with who she is and what she has in life. It will continue to impact any other R she has and it will only change IMO if she gets help.
It took me some time but with that and distance I was able to get clarity on my sitch. I know the pain is real but I think as you get stronger you will grow and realize the same things about your sitch as well.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 06:50 AM
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 06:51 AM
For instance the G spent the night drunk in the snow in my back garden. My L told him to stay away, we have a camera, I can sue for trespass and enforce the non mol order (RO).
His response
Not me
If it was me then if V had left the back open I could have slept in the nice warm annexe
V is mean to me by threatening this
I will always deny it and I will find something to sue for
Besides I haven't had my final settle the so 5 of the FHM is mine (not true)
I need cash for accomodation
----------------------
You might think sleeping in your ex back garden drunk at 19 would be rock bottom? Not at all, his rock bottom was my fault.
Maybe I should have left my back door open, the spare bed made and the heat in the annexe on? Just in case? Wine in the chiller and crab thermidor ready to reheat followed by rich chocolate pudding. Warm dressing gown and pj's too come to mention it.
V is just mean and should be punished very severely indeed for these oversights. The G is working on it without doubt.
When you are dealing with antisocial (psychopath to you and me) there are no rock bottoms. Only yours scraping it if they want revenge.
V
His response
Not me
If it was me then if V had left the back open I could have slept in the nice warm annexe
V is mean to me by threatening this
I will always deny it and I will find something to sue for
Besides I haven't had my final settle the so 5 of the FHM is mine (not true)
I need cash for accomodation
----------------------
You might think sleeping in your ex back garden drunk at 19 would be rock bottom? Not at all, his rock bottom was my fault.
Maybe I should have left my back door open, the spare bed made and the heat in the annexe on? Just in case? Wine in the chiller and crab thermidor ready to reheat followed by rich chocolate pudding. Warm dressing gown and pj's too come to mention it.
V is just mean and should be punished very severely indeed for these oversights. The G is working on it without doubt.
When you are dealing with antisocial (psychopath to you and me) there are no rock bottoms. Only yours scraping it if they want revenge.
V
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 08:14 AM
HUGE breakdown and possible breakthrough.
Just very much processed a lot of raw emotion. Will Explain in full detail here soon.
Thank you all for being here to support me today. I really needed it today.
Full Update forthcoming.
Just very much processed a lot of raw emotion. Will Explain in full detail here soon.
Thank you all for being here to support me today. I really needed it today.
Full Update forthcoming.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 08:17 AM
Wow! Look forward to hearing about it. Stay safe and chill.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 09:29 AM
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 09:30 AM
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 09:30 AM
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 09:31 AM
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 09:31 AM
Well i typed it all out, typed to post. Not working.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 09:54 AM
Originally Posted By: OrangeK
Well i typed it all out, typed to post. Not working.
Where are you typing it,
is it directly into this post or is it into a word processor then into this?
Also what kind of device are you using?
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 10:05 AM
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 10:07 AM
Cadet, first three attempts were from a PC where I had tried to copy and paste out of work which obviously causes problems. Most recent attempt was on my phone trying to copy and paste out of the email I had sent myself. Will manually type when I get home
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 10:49 AM
Originally Posted By: OrangeK
Cadet, first three attempts were from a PC where I had tried to copy and paste out of work which obviously causes problems. Most recent attempt was on my phone trying to copy and paste out of the email I had sent myself. Will manually type when I get home
Well you see what doesnt work, thanks for the feedback.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 04/30/18 01:38 PM
Ok. So Here we go. Grab your beverages folks, i got a feeling this is gonna be a long one.
In order to keep this concise, as upon re-reading past posts I realize i have a tendency to wander in my thoughts when posting, I will structure this post a bit more than normal.
1.) Frantic Research and "Energy Vampirrrreeeesss":
Man do i feel like I've gotten a degree in psychology i never wanted over these past few months. After January when true NC between WW and I began is when i started my feverish research into what could be wrong and what I could do to fix it. Well I can tell you my research did not lead me to good places. This Trauma Bond stuff is no joke, i literally feel like an addict. Not only because i cannot let go, but because i know what it is im addicted to. A toxic, euphoria distributing substance that will, if given enough time and abuse, truly ruin my life.
Oh yes, that is my wife i am referring to, no coke or dope.
My darling wife. Wow this is totally what i had in mind for my life going into age 31! This is ridiculous.
Anyhow, Trauma Bonding, my research into what could be wrong with my marriage which began, in my gaslight infected brain, as research into what I had done WRONG to ruin my infantile, but seemingly perfect marriage/life with this seemingly perfect woman. Stupid A$$, how had i screwed up AGAIN?!
The first resource i found was a fairly well know Q&A type forum with a HEAVY presence regarding narcissism and other personality disorders. A lot of what i read made me quickly realize this serious medical diagnosis was being thrown around like online ordainment certificates, so i immediately took what i was reading with a few grains of salt.
However there was gold to be mined from all the crap being thrown around on that site, I learned a lot about Love Bombing, Devalue/Discard cycles, Covert/Overt Cluster B PD's and so on.
The scariest part, it all fit. Like a glove. A TON of what these people were describing were exactly what WW's behavior had been, like EXACTLY. it was too close to be a coincidence. She was a "Narc".
Eventually the toxicity of that site became overwhelming.
It was just herds of butt hurt people claiming "their" Narcissist betrayed them and that they are evil "Energy Vampires" and whatnot.
Despite having learned some valuable information, the whole situation gave off the rank odor of a whole lot of swinging bologna. I deleted my account and exited stage left, forthwith.
Love Bombing - the act of going from 0 to 120mph in a relationship, the person loves you right away, showers you with gifts and affection. They mold themselves to match you and your interests exactly. I can literally remember saying "What in the world did i do to deserve such a beautiful, perfect amazing woman, i love you so much!" to WW probably 7 months into our relationship.
Here's how my Love Bombing went down.
Feb 2013 - Me and WW begin talking on FB, She messaged me first. we hit it off immediately. Talked every night till 2 AM. She was finishing a vacation in Florida and we would hang out soon. I WAS SO STOKED.
March 2013 - We hang out for the first time, hook up first night. Love at first sight. the word Serendipity was used a few weeks later. this was meant to be.
August 2013 - Myself, WW and one of my best friends decide to get an apartment together, i had been living with my brothers in parents old house (We were renting it as my parents had moved out of state, then they were selling so we had to move).
At this point WW had already began to triangulate my brother and his (eventually) wife to be distant from me, as my brother and i had lived together for many years. She needed to have influence.
By the time a year had passed, my best friend had paid 3 months rent in advance to leave early to go move with his sister to CA (he recently told me he did this because he hated WW and couldn't live with her anymore, as he saw her manipulating me to get what she wanted, in small ways, but still obvious to him. He said he didn't say anything because i seemed really happy. I have scolded him for not speaking up then....lol.)
By April of 2014, while still in that apartment, she had achived her hidden pregnancy. Heres the rub. Estimated conception date given to us on S3's day of birth......April 1st 2014.
APRIL. FRIGGIN. FIRST.
So we had moved again by that August, and I finally found out about my son because i FINALLY noticed her showing, in Mid October.
Anyway, throughout our relationship she has definitely performed Gas lighting, Triangulation, Projection, She Copies People (literally wont come up with original ideas about anything, fear of rejection and all that, God Forbid her idea [censored] and people dont like it. this would crush her, but she'd never SHOW you that.), Stonewalling, Denial, Her Instagram is a font of Narcissism, literally just attention bait, the shiny veneer of a beautiful life that never existed. to the point she used a photo of my son, and added 4 or 5 of her own words to a Tennyson quote, and quoted it on IG as if my son said it. Hes 3. He doesn't read Tennyson. He's more into Monster Trucks right now.
So she certainly targeted me ahead of time, this I already know.
She was coming from a "dark spot" in her past because she had been dumped by her EX before she could complete her cycle or something, and she ran off to another state for 6 months, completely off the radar (just like she is currently) to shack up with some random dude. Well that didn't turn out well (Surprise! i believe he kicked her out, probably for cheating, never got the full story), and she had to come slinking home to her moms, then she took her Vaca and thats when her and I began talking. I made "her feel so safe after a dark spot, and being mistreated by two guys in a row"
ME: "OMG Hunny how could any guy treat you like that, you're the sweetest thing in the world! ill always make you happy i love you"
Then Her and I lived together from Aug 2014 until she left me in Oct 2017, to "live at her moms" and then she got her own place. OM hasnt moved in yet, or so my chatty son says.
She cant be alone.
She always needs a "source" (friggin hate that term)
When she grows bored of him, and she will, she will seek out a new landing pad before blasting off from OM's life.
I wonder if he will call me looking for answers some day? I had to call her EX to learn about her. Oh did i learn.
I will laugh heartily should that phone call ever come.
2.) STUPID STUPID STUPID.
So if you've read my thread you know where life went from here.
Stressful for a while. My brother died 9 days before S3 was born, we had to move several times. She wasnt working, had basically no social life (because she has no friends, at least never for any length of time). Things got into a rut, but we maintained, or at least it seemed so.
The in June of 2016 we finally got our own place, back in my hometown. I got back onto a fire dept. she began looking for work and finish the touches on the wedding. Relationship took a big upturn here. Things seemed perfect. We were about to get married, going to get ahead, S3 was growing up and adorable as hell. I was charging towards a full time Friefighter position. (still only have 1 Class, a CDL and a fitness test to do, i stalled so close, time to GAL and FINISH. What lady doesnt love a fireman right?!)
But as soon as we got married, 2017 was a downslide into silence, quiet scorn, the edge of the bed trreatment and the likes. Had i known about DBing THEN, God knows what I could have accomplished.
However I did not.
Summer 2017: First time i started to notice something was off (she was already seeing OM by this point). She was quiet, reserved, went to bed earlier. Started doing yoga with the girls from work (i supported this 100%!) dyed her hair, was on the phone all the time (Snapchatting with the girls from work!)
Sept 2017: our first anniversary was a mess. we had been fighting constantly by this point, she had already dissapeard for nights here and there, and was constantly grouchy, unable to be happy and getting more and more secretive.
She was a B our entire Anniversary dinner.
The prior weekend was the "One night stand" i would eventually find out about in Oct.
She left for her friends bday party which was supposed to just be at her friends house. I called at 11pm wondering when she would be home. She was out at a club. We fought, i said i thought she was going to be home around S3's bed time, hours prior. She got mad. I called again at 1am. She seemed fine (claimed she was "wasted") at her friends house and she was sleeping it off and coming home. I got up at 8 and left with S3 to go to a Fair at 10am. She hadnt come home. When i finally got home at 5, she was all pouty and apologetic looking, typical abuse cycle crap. She was back to full B mode within a week.
Oct 2017: one night she had been on her phone all night. I told her to open her phone and show me the messages. She said no. This is BD. This is when i found out about the "one night stand" the week BEFORE our FIRST anniversary. Pig.
She left. to "her moms" (om's when she didnt have S3)
The rest is history.
All the red flags ive missed at this point. STUPID.
Literally totally ignoring my own unhappiness, i focused only on how to "get the spark back" and how to make her happy, without realizing I wasnt the actual problem. STUPID.
Allowing her to stay out, lie to me, and do all things i would have been SO SUSPICIOUS of in any other relationship. STUPID STUPID STUPID.
Where were my Balls?
3.) Oct 17'- Jan 18' "The Time When Balls Didn't Exist"
Here is where I needed DB.
Oct 15th i should have gone cold right then and there. told her to get out of MBR and showed my balls.
I did not.
I begged, i reasoned, i wrote letters. i did all the things wrong. i should have been showered in 2x4's. Hell, whole trees.
MC was a waste of time, she manipulated the councilor.
She lied, fed me bread crumbs, false hope and sweet whispers until after NYE when we were out of our apartment, i was out of money and her belongings were in storage.
Then i caught her at OM's house for the first time. My son was in daycare, it was a snowstorm. She drove 25 miles from her mothers, on her day off, in a snow storm, to bring S3 to Daycare, KNOWING they were closing early. Just so she could go F**CK OM while i was working.
The following week the TRO was put in place, and i enjoyed a charming visit in the states worst county jail 0 out of 5 stars.. (i got a text the next day "OMG I have no idea whats going on, your dad said you were in jail, what is happening? i hope youre ok" and two days later "i had no idea that would happen when i called the cops im so sorry" I replied to neither. as legally i could not).
Here is where i began my research. I didnt find DB website until probably early March. And so here we are.
4.) The Mysterious Future, and the Angels of DB.
So, i have been reading and posting here since March.
You are all wonderful. I was pretty much at my lowest when i found this site. My frantic research paid off. I left the toxic realm of the NARC, taking away what i learned and came to this warm, supportive and energizing place.
Which you can read all about in my thread.
Which brings us to today.
I had been doing really well.
NC, GAL'ing was working well.
i still had dark clouds here and there. still many thoughts of WW, jealous thoughts of OM, and how he stole my family away.
Today i knew right from the start was off. Something was wrong.
I came into work with a stormcloud over my head and it stayed there all day till my lunch. I had already posted a few times in the midst of my dark mood.
Then i saw it.
The screenshot of OM's IG page. Festooned with photos of him spending time with WW and MY SON. I knew this was occurring, i just had bareley seen much of it.
Not being vindictive, or spiteful here. Simplew truth.
This guy is an ugly, wankster KNOB. Seriously, the guy us a tool.
Hes not in good shape, at all, and im sorry but his gene pool is like, ankle deep at best. Huge downgrade.
I mention this not to stoke my ego, but to show that he is CLEARLY a downgrade, and this to me proved a point.
Its not HIM that matters, its who he is. He fits into the social circle she wanted to be a part of. He broke off an engagement to be with my wife, so they are both scheming liars. As i said, its not HIM. he was just an available landing pad in the zone she wanted to refuel at. Simple logistics.
But man did i get pissed. to see his greasy little mitts on my son, and my wife (wearing a white dress i might add which bothered the hell out of me for some reason, as her wedding dress is still currently mud stained and in a supermarket bag in my closet because she left it in the Storage unit along with our ENTIRE WEDDING, decorations and all. I plan on possibly burning it in effigy if the need arises.)
How could this tool steal my wife and family? They were doing all things WW and i Had talked about and planned to do with our son. together. they are living the life i was promised, that i paid for.
She looks happy, at first glance, this drove me batty. How could she not be devoured by guilt, if not for me than for our son?
She truly believes she is doing the right thing, for herself and S3.
The level at which she has been able to seemingly convince herself of her tome of BS is astonishing.
I had a really rotten breakdown. Like very deep. I work with amazing supportive people.
They see my pain.
After all that, i had a good chat with my boss, who has already almost fired me twice because ive lost compusre in the office. Really positive Chat, plus i have my "work brother" who keeps me in good spirits.
I though long and hard on my commute about the abuse ive seen, the lies ive endured, what my son had been through and came to the following conclusions.
I love her deeply, i know i shouldn't, but i probably always will.
I will not let that love control me, i have been mistreated and will not tolerate it again. By her or anyone else.
I am not as healed as i thought i was.
I am driving myself insane, but i haven't figured out how not to yet.
GAL'ing IS helping. Its just not an instant panacea.
This isnt my fault. not 0.0001% of it. Everyone can always be a better partner.
I didn't deserve this, she knew what she was doing and what it would casue. She just didnt think she would get caught so early.
She had planned on sitting around eating mad cake for quite a while i think. Maybe even completed the entire affair under my nose without telling me if i had never asked.
I am valueable. i am attractive, smart, honorable, honest, loyal, selfless and brave.
She is selfish, cowardly, calculating, fake, petty and cruel.
I DESERVE BETTER. HER LOSS. HIT THE BRICKS B***H.
I know ill still miss her, and wish things were different, but they arent. and she doesn't miss me and if she ever does, tough tookies for her. She got work to do on herself before she talks to me about anything besides S3.
Meanwhile, im gonna do me. Back on the GAL / DB train in full swing.
And now im literally going downstairs to hit the heavy bag and practice sword forms. GAL 101. Look good. Feel Good.
I'm the Firefighter only a FOOL would leave.
Strength you all Brothers and Sisters.
"Proudly it Stands, Until the Worlds's End, The Victorious Banner Of Love!"
~Blind Guardian
"The Maiden and the Minstrel Knight"
In order to keep this concise, as upon re-reading past posts I realize i have a tendency to wander in my thoughts when posting, I will structure this post a bit more than normal.
1.) Frantic Research and "Energy Vampirrrreeeesss":
Man do i feel like I've gotten a degree in psychology i never wanted over these past few months. After January when true NC between WW and I began is when i started my feverish research into what could be wrong and what I could do to fix it. Well I can tell you my research did not lead me to good places. This Trauma Bond stuff is no joke, i literally feel like an addict. Not only because i cannot let go, but because i know what it is im addicted to. A toxic, euphoria distributing substance that will, if given enough time and abuse, truly ruin my life.
Oh yes, that is my wife i am referring to, no coke or dope.
My darling wife. Wow this is totally what i had in mind for my life going into age 31! This is ridiculous.
Anyhow, Trauma Bonding, my research into what could be wrong with my marriage which began, in my gaslight infected brain, as research into what I had done WRONG to ruin my infantile, but seemingly perfect marriage/life with this seemingly perfect woman. Stupid A$$, how had i screwed up AGAIN?!
The first resource i found was a fairly well know Q&A type forum with a HEAVY presence regarding narcissism and other personality disorders. A lot of what i read made me quickly realize this serious medical diagnosis was being thrown around like online ordainment certificates, so i immediately took what i was reading with a few grains of salt.
However there was gold to be mined from all the crap being thrown around on that site, I learned a lot about Love Bombing, Devalue/Discard cycles, Covert/Overt Cluster B PD's and so on.
The scariest part, it all fit. Like a glove. A TON of what these people were describing were exactly what WW's behavior had been, like EXACTLY. it was too close to be a coincidence. She was a "Narc".
Eventually the toxicity of that site became overwhelming.
It was just herds of butt hurt people claiming "their" Narcissist betrayed them and that they are evil "Energy Vampires" and whatnot.
Despite having learned some valuable information, the whole situation gave off the rank odor of a whole lot of swinging bologna. I deleted my account and exited stage left, forthwith.
Love Bombing - the act of going from 0 to 120mph in a relationship, the person loves you right away, showers you with gifts and affection. They mold themselves to match you and your interests exactly. I can literally remember saying "What in the world did i do to deserve such a beautiful, perfect amazing woman, i love you so much!" to WW probably 7 months into our relationship.
Here's how my Love Bombing went down.
Feb 2013 - Me and WW begin talking on FB, She messaged me first. we hit it off immediately. Talked every night till 2 AM. She was finishing a vacation in Florida and we would hang out soon. I WAS SO STOKED.
March 2013 - We hang out for the first time, hook up first night. Love at first sight. the word Serendipity was used a few weeks later. this was meant to be.
August 2013 - Myself, WW and one of my best friends decide to get an apartment together, i had been living with my brothers in parents old house (We were renting it as my parents had moved out of state, then they were selling so we had to move).
At this point WW had already began to triangulate my brother and his (eventually) wife to be distant from me, as my brother and i had lived together for many years. She needed to have influence.
By the time a year had passed, my best friend had paid 3 months rent in advance to leave early to go move with his sister to CA (he recently told me he did this because he hated WW and couldn't live with her anymore, as he saw her manipulating me to get what she wanted, in small ways, but still obvious to him. He said he didn't say anything because i seemed really happy. I have scolded him for not speaking up then....lol.)
By April of 2014, while still in that apartment, she had achived her hidden pregnancy. Heres the rub. Estimated conception date given to us on S3's day of birth......April 1st 2014.
APRIL. FRIGGIN. FIRST.
So we had moved again by that August, and I finally found out about my son because i FINALLY noticed her showing, in Mid October.
Anyway, throughout our relationship she has definitely performed Gas lighting, Triangulation, Projection, She Copies People (literally wont come up with original ideas about anything, fear of rejection and all that, God Forbid her idea [censored] and people dont like it. this would crush her, but she'd never SHOW you that.), Stonewalling, Denial, Her Instagram is a font of Narcissism, literally just attention bait, the shiny veneer of a beautiful life that never existed. to the point she used a photo of my son, and added 4 or 5 of her own words to a Tennyson quote, and quoted it on IG as if my son said it. Hes 3. He doesn't read Tennyson. He's more into Monster Trucks right now.
So she certainly targeted me ahead of time, this I already know.
She was coming from a "dark spot" in her past because she had been dumped by her EX before she could complete her cycle or something, and she ran off to another state for 6 months, completely off the radar (just like she is currently) to shack up with some random dude. Well that didn't turn out well (Surprise! i believe he kicked her out, probably for cheating, never got the full story), and she had to come slinking home to her moms, then she took her Vaca and thats when her and I began talking. I made "her feel so safe after a dark spot, and being mistreated by two guys in a row"
ME: "OMG Hunny how could any guy treat you like that, you're the sweetest thing in the world! ill always make you happy i love you"
Then Her and I lived together from Aug 2014 until she left me in Oct 2017, to "live at her moms" and then she got her own place. OM hasnt moved in yet, or so my chatty son says.
She cant be alone.
She always needs a "source" (friggin hate that term)
When she grows bored of him, and she will, she will seek out a new landing pad before blasting off from OM's life.
I wonder if he will call me looking for answers some day? I had to call her EX to learn about her. Oh did i learn.
I will laugh heartily should that phone call ever come.
2.) STUPID STUPID STUPID.
So if you've read my thread you know where life went from here.
Stressful for a while. My brother died 9 days before S3 was born, we had to move several times. She wasnt working, had basically no social life (because she has no friends, at least never for any length of time). Things got into a rut, but we maintained, or at least it seemed so.
The in June of 2016 we finally got our own place, back in my hometown. I got back onto a fire dept. she began looking for work and finish the touches on the wedding. Relationship took a big upturn here. Things seemed perfect. We were about to get married, going to get ahead, S3 was growing up and adorable as hell. I was charging towards a full time Friefighter position. (still only have 1 Class, a CDL and a fitness test to do, i stalled so close, time to GAL and FINISH. What lady doesnt love a fireman right?!)
But as soon as we got married, 2017 was a downslide into silence, quiet scorn, the edge of the bed trreatment and the likes. Had i known about DBing THEN, God knows what I could have accomplished.
However I did not.
Summer 2017: First time i started to notice something was off (she was already seeing OM by this point). She was quiet, reserved, went to bed earlier. Started doing yoga with the girls from work (i supported this 100%!) dyed her hair, was on the phone all the time (Snapchatting with the girls from work!)
Sept 2017: our first anniversary was a mess. we had been fighting constantly by this point, she had already dissapeard for nights here and there, and was constantly grouchy, unable to be happy and getting more and more secretive.
She was a B our entire Anniversary dinner.
The prior weekend was the "One night stand" i would eventually find out about in Oct.
She left for her friends bday party which was supposed to just be at her friends house. I called at 11pm wondering when she would be home. She was out at a club. We fought, i said i thought she was going to be home around S3's bed time, hours prior. She got mad. I called again at 1am. She seemed fine (claimed she was "wasted") at her friends house and she was sleeping it off and coming home. I got up at 8 and left with S3 to go to a Fair at 10am. She hadnt come home. When i finally got home at 5, she was all pouty and apologetic looking, typical abuse cycle crap. She was back to full B mode within a week.
Oct 2017: one night she had been on her phone all night. I told her to open her phone and show me the messages. She said no. This is BD. This is when i found out about the "one night stand" the week BEFORE our FIRST anniversary. Pig.
She left. to "her moms" (om's when she didnt have S3)
The rest is history.
All the red flags ive missed at this point. STUPID.
Literally totally ignoring my own unhappiness, i focused only on how to "get the spark back" and how to make her happy, without realizing I wasnt the actual problem. STUPID.
Allowing her to stay out, lie to me, and do all things i would have been SO SUSPICIOUS of in any other relationship. STUPID STUPID STUPID.
Where were my Balls?
3.) Oct 17'- Jan 18' "The Time When Balls Didn't Exist"
Here is where I needed DB.
Oct 15th i should have gone cold right then and there. told her to get out of MBR and showed my balls.
I did not.
I begged, i reasoned, i wrote letters. i did all the things wrong. i should have been showered in 2x4's. Hell, whole trees.
MC was a waste of time, she manipulated the councilor.
She lied, fed me bread crumbs, false hope and sweet whispers until after NYE when we were out of our apartment, i was out of money and her belongings were in storage.
Then i caught her at OM's house for the first time. My son was in daycare, it was a snowstorm. She drove 25 miles from her mothers, on her day off, in a snow storm, to bring S3 to Daycare, KNOWING they were closing early. Just so she could go F**CK OM while i was working.
The following week the TRO was put in place, and i enjoyed a charming visit in the states worst county jail 0 out of 5 stars.. (i got a text the next day "OMG I have no idea whats going on, your dad said you were in jail, what is happening? i hope youre ok" and two days later "i had no idea that would happen when i called the cops im so sorry" I replied to neither. as legally i could not).
Here is where i began my research. I didnt find DB website until probably early March. And so here we are.
4.) The Mysterious Future, and the Angels of DB.
So, i have been reading and posting here since March.
You are all wonderful. I was pretty much at my lowest when i found this site. My frantic research paid off. I left the toxic realm of the NARC, taking away what i learned and came to this warm, supportive and energizing place.
Which you can read all about in my thread.
Which brings us to today.
I had been doing really well.
NC, GAL'ing was working well.
i still had dark clouds here and there. still many thoughts of WW, jealous thoughts of OM, and how he stole my family away.
Today i knew right from the start was off. Something was wrong.
I came into work with a stormcloud over my head and it stayed there all day till my lunch. I had already posted a few times in the midst of my dark mood.
Then i saw it.
The screenshot of OM's IG page. Festooned with photos of him spending time with WW and MY SON. I knew this was occurring, i just had bareley seen much of it.
Not being vindictive, or spiteful here. Simplew truth.
This guy is an ugly, wankster KNOB. Seriously, the guy us a tool.
Hes not in good shape, at all, and im sorry but his gene pool is like, ankle deep at best. Huge downgrade.
I mention this not to stoke my ego, but to show that he is CLEARLY a downgrade, and this to me proved a point.
Its not HIM that matters, its who he is. He fits into the social circle she wanted to be a part of. He broke off an engagement to be with my wife, so they are both scheming liars. As i said, its not HIM. he was just an available landing pad in the zone she wanted to refuel at. Simple logistics.
But man did i get pissed. to see his greasy little mitts on my son, and my wife (wearing a white dress i might add which bothered the hell out of me for some reason, as her wedding dress is still currently mud stained and in a supermarket bag in my closet because she left it in the Storage unit along with our ENTIRE WEDDING, decorations and all. I plan on possibly burning it in effigy if the need arises.)
How could this tool steal my wife and family? They were doing all things WW and i Had talked about and planned to do with our son. together. they are living the life i was promised, that i paid for.
She looks happy, at first glance, this drove me batty. How could she not be devoured by guilt, if not for me than for our son?
She truly believes she is doing the right thing, for herself and S3.
The level at which she has been able to seemingly convince herself of her tome of BS is astonishing.
I had a really rotten breakdown. Like very deep. I work with amazing supportive people.
They see my pain.
After all that, i had a good chat with my boss, who has already almost fired me twice because ive lost compusre in the office. Really positive Chat, plus i have my "work brother" who keeps me in good spirits.
I though long and hard on my commute about the abuse ive seen, the lies ive endured, what my son had been through and came to the following conclusions.
I love her deeply, i know i shouldn't, but i probably always will.
I will not let that love control me, i have been mistreated and will not tolerate it again. By her or anyone else.
I am not as healed as i thought i was.
I am driving myself insane, but i haven't figured out how not to yet.
GAL'ing IS helping. Its just not an instant panacea.
This isnt my fault. not 0.0001% of it. Everyone can always be a better partner.
I didn't deserve this, she knew what she was doing and what it would casue. She just didnt think she would get caught so early.
She had planned on sitting around eating mad cake for quite a while i think. Maybe even completed the entire affair under my nose without telling me if i had never asked.
I am valueable. i am attractive, smart, honorable, honest, loyal, selfless and brave.
She is selfish, cowardly, calculating, fake, petty and cruel.
I DESERVE BETTER. HER LOSS. HIT THE BRICKS B***H.
I know ill still miss her, and wish things were different, but they arent. and she doesn't miss me and if she ever does, tough tookies for her. She got work to do on herself before she talks to me about anything besides S3.
Meanwhile, im gonna do me. Back on the GAL / DB train in full swing.
And now im literally going downstairs to hit the heavy bag and practice sword forms. GAL 101. Look good. Feel Good.
I'm the Firefighter only a FOOL would leave.
Strength you all Brothers and Sisters.
"Proudly it Stands, Until the Worlds's End, The Victorious Banner Of Love!"
~Blind Guardian
"The Maiden and the Minstrel Knight"
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 01:38 AM
Orange, that is such a nightmare to discover those pictures on the other man's account. Is that even legal to post pictures of someone else's kid without both parents' permission?
You really have become a psychologist. It sounds like you've learned a lot. It's helpful to understand the context in which this behavior takes place but sadly it doesn't sound like there's a clear pathway you can take to fix the marriage since the problems lie within your wife's psyche.
One thing to be thankful for is that you're still young. That is a luxury we don't all have. I turned 40 a few weeks ago. In your age range there are still so many options even though it'll be a while before any of them may be appealing given how much you loved your wife.
You really have become a psychologist. It sounds like you've learned a lot. It's helpful to understand the context in which this behavior takes place but sadly it doesn't sound like there's a clear pathway you can take to fix the marriage since the problems lie within your wife's psyche.
One thing to be thankful for is that you're still young. That is a luxury we don't all have. I turned 40 a few weeks ago. In your age range there are still so many options even though it'll be a while before any of them may be appealing given how much you loved your wife.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 01:50 AM
Originally Posted By: NicoleR
Orange, that is such a nightmare to discover those pictures on the other man's account. Is that even legal to post pictures of someone else's kid without both parents' permission?
It was gut wrenching. I wish i hadn't seen them, i just asked if there were any new ones and my buddy sent me a screenshot. I just wanted a yes or no. lol.
I don't believe it is illegal to do that, especially since my WW gave consent. IDK, ill look into it.
Originally Posted By: NicoleR
One thing to be thankful for is that you're still young. That is a luxury we don't all have. I turned 40 a few weeks ago. In your age range there are still so many options even though it'll be a while before any of them may be appealing given how much you loved your wife.
Love my wife, unfortuneatley. As much as i dont really want to at this point i still do. Even after all shes done. I think a lot of time at the beach this summer will help. that and a good summer body.
40 is just a number Nicole.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 02:13 AM
OK, your long post came across as very angry. Of course, anger is one of the emotions that we cycle through in this roller-coaster ride. My caution to you is to please please please avoid contact (I know you have none at the moment) in the future with your W WHILE in the angry phase. Trust me on this, you end up doing more damage that good.
Hang in there, this too shall pass.
Hang in there, this too shall pass.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 02:32 AM
Steve,
Im not positive it was anger. I had a really RAW gunt wrenching breakdown yesterday. I was defeated. By the time i got home and sat to write this i had leveled off.
If anything i would say the emotion behind that long post is something more akin to injustice, frustration, and helplessness.
I am hurt by what WW has done, i was ANGRY back in Feb (a letter i wrote and never sent shows this, it is VULGAR. I still have it sealed in my nightstand)
I pity her, and i am deeply, deeply wounded by what she did. However i to believe she is not in very good control of her emotions, actions and decisions.
She is damaged, i believe she is consciously aware of what shes doing and the pain she has caused, and likely feels some degree of guilt.
However her need to run away from her own internal issues and her tendency to avoid at all costs, makes her follow through with really bad decisions to avoid confrontation, as opposed to dealing with her emotions like the mature adult she ISN'T.
When i can have Contact with her again i will not be reaching out. We will need to talk eventually but im going to let her take that first step. She can decide how she wants to start communicating again, and she can decide the mood it takes. I will only react, and minimally.
Grey Stone, GAL and Detachment are the plan.
Detachment has been a serious struggle, as im still left with the ghost image of the woman i loved.
I havent had any dealings with her since i had the wool peeled back from my eyes, so when i do, my approach will be very cautious, observant and planned.
I have DB Tech now on my side.
I just have to get through thursday and see if the RO will endure, or if it gets pushed further back.
Still no movement on my motion to hold D.
I think Judge may be waiting to address it on our hearing May 22nd.
If Judge pushed D through, ill just go with it rather than make further resistance. If it gets put on hold, ill ride with that until WW decides to make a move for herself for once.
I have a summer to enjoy, as best i can.
Stomach is still a little twisty today, still miss her, but am repulsed by her at the same time. What a conflicting dynamic.
Oh to be in love....
Having all my friends in the "getting married / having babies stage" is killing me. I wanted to have another child with her, now im considering never having kids again.
Im not positive it was anger. I had a really RAW gunt wrenching breakdown yesterday. I was defeated. By the time i got home and sat to write this i had leveled off.
If anything i would say the emotion behind that long post is something more akin to injustice, frustration, and helplessness.
I am hurt by what WW has done, i was ANGRY back in Feb (a letter i wrote and never sent shows this, it is VULGAR. I still have it sealed in my nightstand)
I pity her, and i am deeply, deeply wounded by what she did. However i to believe she is not in very good control of her emotions, actions and decisions.
She is damaged, i believe she is consciously aware of what shes doing and the pain she has caused, and likely feels some degree of guilt.
However her need to run away from her own internal issues and her tendency to avoid at all costs, makes her follow through with really bad decisions to avoid confrontation, as opposed to dealing with her emotions like the mature adult she ISN'T.
When i can have Contact with her again i will not be reaching out. We will need to talk eventually but im going to let her take that first step. She can decide how she wants to start communicating again, and she can decide the mood it takes. I will only react, and minimally.
Grey Stone, GAL and Detachment are the plan.
Detachment has been a serious struggle, as im still left with the ghost image of the woman i loved.
I havent had any dealings with her since i had the wool peeled back from my eyes, so when i do, my approach will be very cautious, observant and planned.
I have DB Tech now on my side.
I just have to get through thursday and see if the RO will endure, or if it gets pushed further back.
Still no movement on my motion to hold D.
I think Judge may be waiting to address it on our hearing May 22nd.
If Judge pushed D through, ill just go with it rather than make further resistance. If it gets put on hold, ill ride with that until WW decides to make a move for herself for once.
I have a summer to enjoy, as best i can.
Stomach is still a little twisty today, still miss her, but am repulsed by her at the same time. What a conflicting dynamic.
Oh to be in love....
Having all my friends in the "getting married / having babies stage" is killing me. I wanted to have another child with her, now im considering never having kids again.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 03:26 AM
Orange, I have read a lot on narcissistic personalities, and my W fits the description as well. Especially the part about having energy/attention needs met. Things seemed fine until she got the job bartending, and then she found a better source of attention, so I was thrown to the side so she could feed off of it. All the while, stringing me along to get as much attention as she could possibly get. She has some serious childhood issues she needs to deal with before she can ever get better or we could ever have a healthy relationship. I wish you the best of luck...
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 03:27 AM
OK, anger, disgust, frustration. All borne from the same place, and all leads to the same destructive behaviors. Just advice buddy, I know cause I've been there: quit dwelling on external stimuli. Who cares who is the the what stage. No bearing on you. That is what GAL is all about, being happy and pleased with WHERE YOU ARE! Regardless of W, OM, and all your friends.
I know, it is tough, but this is your task especially leading up to and after your court date. Take as much time for yourself as you can. Gym. Movies. Hanging out with the single guys you know. Anything you can do to stay busy, stay positive, and stay focused.
When we have too much time on our hands is when we spiral, spin, dwell, and get into these angry, frustrated, and disgusted places.
I know, it is tough, but this is your task especially leading up to and after your court date. Take as much time for yourself as you can. Gym. Movies. Hanging out with the single guys you know. Anything you can do to stay busy, stay positive, and stay focused.
When we have too much time on our hands is when we spiral, spin, dwell, and get into these angry, frustrated, and disgusted places.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 03:37 AM
Same to you dude. Yea, as soon as WW started working at the salon, i was useless trash. She triangulates and manipulates females / friends as well, so i know she will be her own worst enemy in a social job setting like that. Itll take time for her to slowly burn bridges but she will, always does. Every job shes had since ive known her, and every friendship. Nothing lasts for her, she will need a full breakdown to realize she needs help.
How old is your wife?
Mine will be 31 on Xmas Eve.
i think the stage of life and her social situation when with me played big roles. Like she isnt ready to be an adult, because she lacks the maturity of one.
How old is your wife?
Mine will be 31 on Xmas Eve.
i think the stage of life and her social situation when with me played big roles. Like she isnt ready to be an adult, because she lacks the maturity of one.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 03:49 AM
Originally Posted By: Steve85
OK, anger, disgust, frustration. All borne from the same place, and all leads to the same destructive behaviors. Just advice buddy, I know cause I've been there: quit dwelling on external stimuli. Who cares who is the the what stage. No bearing on you. That is what GAL is all about, being happy and pleased with WHERE YOU ARE! Regardless of W, OM, and all your friends.
I wish i didnt care about OM, or what they do with my son or any of that. I dont think the desire to know about that will go away until ive had some contact with WW. i actually anticipate having the "AH HA" moment after ive had a chance to interact with her with my new mindset / attitude. I will not seek out interaction, but i feel like i may be very much repulsed or turned off to her when i do, now that ive seen behind the veil. I could be wrong, so my guard will be up for sure.
I just gotta get through Thursday. I took the whole day off, as well as half the day prior to prepare, unwind, relax and rest.
Im going to walk into that courtroom with the confidence of of a Champion Gladiator.
I. AM. ORANGEK!
Im trying to figure out how to get my brain to shut up about it. Its like a gnat flying around my head. it just wont piss off. Im working on new techniques to keep the thoughts at bay.
Originally Posted By: Steve85
When we have too much time on our hands is when we spiral, spin, dwell, and get into these angry, frustrated, and disgusted places.
This is a huge challenge for me. A.) my job allows me a lot of time to live in my head. Very dangerous.
Also my roommate works 3rd shift so, i am often at home, alone, in a quiet house, again allowing me time to overthink.
I have spent this time either on the gym racks, or reading/movies (to escape my head), or playing / planning game sessions. But those quiet dark hours are still my worst enemy.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 04:18 AM
Originally Posted By: OrangeK
How old is your wife?
Mine will be 31 on Xmas Eve.
i think the stage of life and her social situation when with me played big roles. Like she isnt ready to be an adult, because she lacks the maturity of one.
My W will be 31 on Oct. 26. Weird, huh?... And I agree, my W lacks the maturity to be an adult as well. We had or first child when my W had just turned 21. And 2 more after that. She has told me that she feels she missed out on her 20's bc of having kids so young. I think she's trying to recreate being 21 at the age of 30, and it isn't gonna happen. That stage of her life has passed. No matter how hard she tries, it will never be the same. Now she just looks pathetic being 30 running around with kids in their early 20's. IMO it's selfish and irresponsible...
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 04:31 AM
Mine just turned 50. The months leading up to it were a huge MLC time for her. Since she actually turned 50 she's modulated quite a bit. 50 is a very dangerous age for Ws, lots written on the subject.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 04:34 AM
It will come crashing down eventually. Other actually mature adults wont put up with their BS (my WW and yours). Just like the Job, she will excel for a while, then her personality traits will sabotage her like always.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 04:45 AM
Some odd things came to mind today.
Back in Jan WW was still very interested in who i was spending time with and where i went. Asked about a female friend i had spent time with (as friends only)
She was in full swing with OM at that point, and it was RIGHT before i filed D for first time and got NC from TRO.
She was already resolved in leaving, and had been gone for months at that point. Why did she care what I did or where I went?
Back in Jan WW was still very interested in who i was spending time with and where i went. Asked about a female friend i had spent time with (as friends only)
She was in full swing with OM at that point, and it was RIGHT before i filed D for first time and got NC from TRO.
She was already resolved in leaving, and had been gone for months at that point. Why did she care what I did or where I went?
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 04:47 AM
Orange mine at 50 and I don't even recognize who she is. When we married I believed I married a godly woman. Now she doesn't attend church believes in all this new age religion BS. Don't know if there's an OM or MLC. just want the person that I married back. Hopefully this phase isn't an extended phase.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 05:04 AM
Advice:
My son has been talking about "going to Mickey's House with Mama"
WW and i had planned on a Disney trip a while back, seems like shes going to do it without me.
Heres the question: Do i let her fly my son out of state? or just let her take him down there.
Also, I DO NOT Want OM going on a trip like that. If i find out OM is going too, i dont want S3 going.
What approach should i take with this when it comes up.
My son has been talking about "going to Mickey's House with Mama"
WW and i had planned on a Disney trip a while back, seems like shes going to do it without me.
Heres the question: Do i let her fly my son out of state? or just let her take him down there.
Also, I DO NOT Want OM going on a trip like that. If i find out OM is going too, i dont want S3 going.
What approach should i take with this when it comes up.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 05:10 AM
NOT SOMETHING I WAS LOOKING FOR JUST SOMETHING I NOTICED.
I AM NOT PURSUING.
more and more of WW's family has blocked me on various social media.
I would LOVE to know what BS lies she is telling people about me.
The slander is awful. I didnt do anything wrong.....I cared about these people and now they all think im some psycho abusive monster because she is smearing my name.
Uhg....
I AM NOT PURSUING.
more and more of WW's family has blocked me on various social media.
I would LOVE to know what BS lies she is telling people about me.
The slander is awful. I didnt do anything wrong.....I cared about these people and now they all think im some psycho abusive monster because she is smearing my name.
Uhg....
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 05:24 AM
Originally Posted By: OrangeK
Advice:
My son has been talking about "going to Mickey's House with Mama"
WW and i had planned on a Disney trip a while back, seems like shes going to do it without me.
Heres the question: Do i let her fly my son out of state? or just let her take him down there.
Also, I DO NOT Want OM going on a trip like that. If i find out OM is going too, i dont want S3 going.
What approach should i take with this when it comes up.
My son has been talking about "going to Mickey's House with Mama"
WW and i had planned on a Disney trip a while back, seems like shes going to do it without me.
Heres the question: Do i let her fly my son out of state? or just let her take him down there.
Also, I DO NOT Want OM going on a trip like that. If i find out OM is going too, i dont want S3 going.
What approach should i take with this when it comes up.
Decide what is best for S3. Always children come first.
And generally you will have no say in who is with your son as long as he is in no danger. Afraid that is just a [censored] sandwich.
If S3 will enjoy Mickey then I would let him go. Plan a treat yourself, children love fire engines for instance, and trains.
Look forward to sharing regular experiences with S3.
V
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 05:25 AM
Originally Posted By: OrangeK
NOT SOMETHING I WAS LOOKING FOR JUST SOMETHING I NOTICED.
I AM NOT PURSUING.
more and more of WW's family has blocked me on various social media.
I would LOVE to know what BS lies she is telling people about me.
The slander is awful. I didnt do anything wrong.....I cared about these people and now they all think im some psycho abusive monster because she is smearing my name.
Uhg....
I AM NOT PURSUING.
more and more of WW's family has blocked me on various social media.
I would LOVE to know what BS lies she is telling people about me.
The slander is awful. I didnt do anything wrong.....I cared about these people and now they all think im some psycho abusive monster because she is smearing my name.
Uhg....
Known as flying monkeys and a smear campaign.
V
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 05:26 AM
But why?
I was always good to all her family. Why do they believe the BS she is telling them (what that is i have no idea)
I was always good to all her family. Why do they believe the BS she is telling them (what that is i have no idea)
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 05:30 AM
Im aware of the flying monkey thing, but that wouldn't be her family. So far ive had no flying monkey contact.
Her bestie at work would be this person for her.
What is her profit in smearing me to family she rarely sees?
Her bestie at work would be this person for her.
What is her profit in smearing me to family she rarely sees?
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 05:36 AM
Originally Posted By: OrangeK
Im aware of the flying monkey thing, but that wouldn't be her family. So far ive had no flying monkey contact.
Her bestie at work would be this person for her.
What is her profit in smearing me to family she rarely sees?
Her bestie at work would be this person for her.
What is her profit in smearing me to family she rarely sees?
So you never see them! The truth never comes out only her story.
For fuel and support.
Just because she can.
To isolate you further.
Because it's script
Because she is introducing OM
Because she has scrambled eggs for brains
---------------------------
She likes doing this, it illicits a reaction from you. It amuses her.
The truth will out. It always does, let it unfold in time, she will unmask eventually.
V
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 05:38 AM
Originally Posted By: OrangeK
But why?
I was always good to all her family. Why do they believe the BS she is telling them (what that is i have no idea)
I was always good to all her family. Why do they believe the BS she is telling them (what that is i have no idea)
Don't assume they are, except you have an RO so that may be the root cause.
She is setting up future flying monkeys, but it should suit you on the NC front.
V
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 05:48 AM
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
So you never see them! The truth never comes out only her story.
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
For fuel and support.
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Just because she can.
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
To isolate you further.
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Because it's script
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Because she is introducing OM
She hasnt even aknowladged it AN IOTA online. this would be very alarming. Plus her family wouldn't take well to it. VERY Catholic, and they LOVE me. This would be a hard sell for WW
Divorce and Adultery are big no-no's
She probably told them i cheated and was abusive.
Theyll get the real story eventually from someone. Sure as hell wont be me.
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Because she has scrambled eggs for brains
---------------------------
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
She likes doing this, it illicits a reaction from you. It amuses her.
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
The truth will out. It always does, let it unfold in time, she will unmask eventually.
V
V
Ill be waiting, popcorn in hand, waiting for the mushroom cloud.
Her R with OM
Her Job
Her family
Blamo.
What a shameful waste. If she had just ACTUALLY been the person she pretended for 5 years to be, she would be literally the most amazing woman ever. The personality she fabricated for me was beautiful. I miss her.
I just want the woman i met back, and she isnt coming back.
this effing stinks.
I want the "ah ha moment" so bad, im so done dwelling on this, wish my brain/heart would understand that.
Thanks Vanilla. You are an angel. i wish you could talk to her, id love to be a fly on the wall for that conversation.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 06:01 AM
You will get there.
This is the bargaining phase of the Kubler Ross cycle.
So in your case if she wakes up, if she see OM as a dirt bag, if she starts to treat S3 with the unconditional love you have, if, if if, if
The cognitive dissonance will ease, it will, because your mind is scenario testing Orange. As the scenario run out then you are faced with knowing. Once you know you can never unknow. Already I see the anger phase starting.
I love the anger phase on a sitch, it really marks a change. Lovely directive white anger that drives you to GAL and the next phase.
After Thursday please, we don't want that to leak in body language in court!
V
This is the bargaining phase of the Kubler Ross cycle.
So in your case if she wakes up, if she see OM as a dirt bag, if she starts to treat S3 with the unconditional love you have, if, if if, if
The cognitive dissonance will ease, it will, because your mind is scenario testing Orange. As the scenario run out then you are faced with knowing. Once you know you can never unknow. Already I see the anger phase starting.
I love the anger phase on a sitch, it really marks a change. Lovely directive white anger that drives you to GAL and the next phase.
After Thursday please, we don't want that to leak in body language in court!
V
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 06:08 AM
Thursday has my guts in knots. I could get charged.
All before 2nd Anniversary.
"As long as we both shall live" my @$$.
Vanilla, you're from the UK Right?
Im a punk rocker from back in my day.
You familiar with the band CockSparrer?
"I've Got your Number" by them is SO ON POINT ITS INSANE!!!
All before 2nd Anniversary.
"As long as we both shall live" my @$$.
Vanilla, you're from the UK Right?
Im a punk rocker from back in my day.
You familiar with the band CockSparrer?
"I've Got your Number" by them is SO ON POINT ITS INSANE!!!
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 06:08 AM
"I Got Your Number"
It can't be right what I'm reading here
No one believes in all this stuff no more
Our ideas don't see eye to eye
You get your press with a pocketfull of lies
Telling everybody every word is true
One day soon they're gonna see through you
[Chorus]
I got your number
You can fool some people some part of the time
I got your number
I aint ever gonna toe that particular partyline
There'll be some people gonna back you up
But don't look here for moral support
Don't you ask no favours from me
I don't believe in charity
Telling everybody you're wonderful
What are you gonna do when there's no one left to tell it to
[Chorus]
You think you're so special
But you're only fooling
Tell your lies to anyone but me
You think you're so special
But you're only fooling
Tell your lies to anyone but me
[Chorus x3]
It can't be right what I'm reading here
No one believes in all this stuff no more
Our ideas don't see eye to eye
You get your press with a pocketfull of lies
Telling everybody every word is true
One day soon they're gonna see through you
[Chorus]
I got your number
You can fool some people some part of the time
I got your number
I aint ever gonna toe that particular partyline
There'll be some people gonna back you up
But don't look here for moral support
Don't you ask no favours from me
I don't believe in charity
Telling everybody you're wonderful
What are you gonna do when there's no one left to tell it to
[Chorus]
You think you're so special
But you're only fooling
Tell your lies to anyone but me
You think you're so special
But you're only fooling
Tell your lies to anyone but me
[Chorus x3]
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 06:16 AM
V
I'm probably going to catch a two-by-four from you on this one but I got to ask, what is the likelihood that I get re idolized by her
I'm probably going to catch a two-by-four from you on this one but I got to ask, what is the likelihood that I get re idolized by her
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 07:06 AM
Quote:
I'm probably going to catch a two-by-four from you on this one but I got to ask, what is the likelihood that I get re idolized by her
(Smack)
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 07:15 AM
Ok i know ive been posting like crazy but heres one more for the day.
Regarding thursday's court case - this is for the TRO not D.
Reason: WW claims i punched the trunk of her car outside a MC meeting we had back in Jan. I had been put on Meds the day prior, i have no recollection of this event. I recall being in the meeting, then driving. The events towards the end of the meeting and anything that happened outside literally i have no recollection of. I may very well have punched her car. I honestly do not recall. The point is the police didn't need to be called. She claimed she didn't know the Domestic thing would happen and she just wanted to report damages. She Apologized for it and asked if i was OK, and she was worried about me.
Last message from her i have ever received.
She believes (or at least claims to believe) that she could get in trouble from the RO as well, and this is not the case, and im fairly certain she has been aware of that. Just using it as an avoidance technique.
At the last hearing for this, which was the first hearing, i was offered a plea deal that was utter garbage, even my L said "Well we finally got an offer, and it [censored], were not taking it"
The "estimate for damages" included a bunch of other things not pertaining to the damages in question, so we rejected that out of hand.
Its her word against mine. No physical evidence other than her report and the dent in the car, which she could have caused (terrible driver, dents all over the car)
Or maybe OM dented it and they blamed it on me. Who TF knows.
My hand didn't hurt the next day, and i went to the hospital to get checked out from my lovely treatment by the Correctional Staff (they kicked the crap out of me)
and the hospital staff didn't say anything about my hand, after a through check over.
So it could turn out 1 of 4 ways as far as i see it.
1.) She shows up, and speaks in court presenting her "evidence". The system fails and i get charged with no real evidence, but this is a BIAS system after all (makes me look forward to D proceedings.....NOT)
2.) She doesn't show up and the case gets dismissed due to complete lack of evidence (my L said this would be the case if she didn't show up) HIGHLY UNLIKELY
3.) She does show up, and doesn't testify or come into the courtroom, like last time (Still not sure if that was her choice or directed by prosecution to do so). Likely continued again if this happens. Please no, i just want this over.
4.) She shows up, comes into court and presents evidence (or lack thereof) and I get found innocent or case dismissed.
This would obviously be ideal.
Just trying to be as ready as i can.
Regarding thursday's court case - this is for the TRO not D.
Reason: WW claims i punched the trunk of her car outside a MC meeting we had back in Jan. I had been put on Meds the day prior, i have no recollection of this event. I recall being in the meeting, then driving. The events towards the end of the meeting and anything that happened outside literally i have no recollection of. I may very well have punched her car. I honestly do not recall. The point is the police didn't need to be called. She claimed she didn't know the Domestic thing would happen and she just wanted to report damages. She Apologized for it and asked if i was OK, and she was worried about me.
Last message from her i have ever received.
She believes (or at least claims to believe) that she could get in trouble from the RO as well, and this is not the case, and im fairly certain she has been aware of that. Just using it as an avoidance technique.
At the last hearing for this, which was the first hearing, i was offered a plea deal that was utter garbage, even my L said "Well we finally got an offer, and it [censored], were not taking it"
The "estimate for damages" included a bunch of other things not pertaining to the damages in question, so we rejected that out of hand.
Its her word against mine. No physical evidence other than her report and the dent in the car, which she could have caused (terrible driver, dents all over the car)
Or maybe OM dented it and they blamed it on me. Who TF knows.
My hand didn't hurt the next day, and i went to the hospital to get checked out from my lovely treatment by the Correctional Staff (they kicked the crap out of me)
and the hospital staff didn't say anything about my hand, after a through check over.
So it could turn out 1 of 4 ways as far as i see it.
1.) She shows up, and speaks in court presenting her "evidence". The system fails and i get charged with no real evidence, but this is a BIAS system after all (makes me look forward to D proceedings.....NOT)
2.) She doesn't show up and the case gets dismissed due to complete lack of evidence (my L said this would be the case if she didn't show up) HIGHLY UNLIKELY
3.) She does show up, and doesn't testify or come into the courtroom, like last time (Still not sure if that was her choice or directed by prosecution to do so). Likely continued again if this happens. Please no, i just want this over.
4.) She shows up, comes into court and presents evidence (or lack thereof) and I get found innocent or case dismissed.
This would obviously be ideal.
Just trying to be as ready as i can.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 07:16 AM
I ask out of a need for preparation, not hope Sandi.
I need to be able to identify a REAL attempt at R, vs. a second attempt at love bombing and manipulation.
*applies Ice*
I need to be able to identify a REAL attempt at R, vs. a second attempt at love bombing and manipulation.
*applies Ice*
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 07:36 AM
Quote:
This makes sense, she doesn't know anything else. How long does family believe every man shes dated or friend she has has screwed her over, at what point do that say "well you must be the problem then..."?
How long? IRL cases I've known, the LBS nevers knows if or when or how long it takes her family/friends. I mean, who is going to tell him? Her family? Not likely, no matter how good he was to them. The point I want you to see here is that how much this matters to you that they tell her . These are things you have to let go,
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 07:48 AM
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Not likely, no matter how good he was to them. The point I want you to see here is that how much this matters to you that they tell her . These are things you have to let go
I agree, but its hard. Im a public servant, image matters to me. I spend legitimate effort cultivating a relationship of respect with these people, and she has tarnished it with lies and slander.
Cart full o' horse crap IMO. I get that others opinions don't really matter, as i know my value as does my family and friends. It just pisses me off.
Im not out there making crap up about her, or trying to get to each family and friend of hers to let them know what a POS she has been.
No. Because I am a mature adult.
I was only guilty of one very spiteful FB post back in Jan, which i promptly deleted.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 08:23 AM
Ok i'm gonna vent.
Both IRL and Here on the board, people talk about "getting over it" and "not thinking about it" like its a lightswitch that can just be flipped on and off to constantly think about my sitch, how i was screwed over and why i shouldn't be holding onto anger.
Sorry, but that's just silly.
Im pissed. And justifiably so.
I got betrayed in the worst way possible, by someone i loved and trusted indefinitely.
There was no long breakdown of our M, we barely had one.
I have every right to be mad about that.
Even after yesterdays meltdown, im mad today.
What she did is crap, its terrible, it is inhuman.
why am i scolded for being effing angry about this?
She pushed for M, she tricked me into being a Dad, and we planned a life. I AM ALLOWED TO BE EFFING ANGRY AT HER, AND AT OM.
And you know what? 2x4 me all you want. I deserve to know where my son sleeps. I deserve to know if OM is brainwashing my child. I deserve to know if they are cultivating a healthy household for him.
F**K WW, F**K OM, F**K her family, they are liars, cheats, and bottom-feeders.
Im entitled to my anger. and im going let it be.
Both IRL and Here on the board, people talk about "getting over it" and "not thinking about it" like its a lightswitch that can just be flipped on and off to constantly think about my sitch, how i was screwed over and why i shouldn't be holding onto anger.
Sorry, but that's just silly.
Im pissed. And justifiably so.
I got betrayed in the worst way possible, by someone i loved and trusted indefinitely.
There was no long breakdown of our M, we barely had one.
I have every right to be mad about that.
Even after yesterdays meltdown, im mad today.
What she did is crap, its terrible, it is inhuman.
why am i scolded for being effing angry about this?
She pushed for M, she tricked me into being a Dad, and we planned a life. I AM ALLOWED TO BE EFFING ANGRY AT HER, AND AT OM.
And you know what? 2x4 me all you want. I deserve to know where my son sleeps. I deserve to know if OM is brainwashing my child. I deserve to know if they are cultivating a healthy household for him.
F**K WW, F**K OM, F**K her family, they are liars, cheats, and bottom-feeders.
Im entitled to my anger. and im going let it be.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 08:26 AM
***FYI this is not directed at anyone here. the first line in previous post may imply that.***
Im just sick of People IRL telling me to "get over it and move on" like giving myself Wife-Amnesia is as easy as changing my damn socks.
Not realistic.
Mind you this advice often comes from happily married people.
Here, try on my size 11's. let me know how the stride feels Mr. Perfect Life
--------------------------
Court has me all worked up. Wish me luck on Sunday, hopefully the Bias court system doesnt Eff me over TOO HARD.
Im just sick of People IRL telling me to "get over it and move on" like giving myself Wife-Amnesia is as easy as changing my damn socks.
Not realistic.
Mind you this advice often comes from happily married people.
Here, try on my size 11's. let me know how the stride feels Mr. Perfect Life
--------------------------
Court has me all worked up. Wish me luck on Sunday, hopefully the Bias court system doesnt Eff me over TOO HARD.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 08:59 AM
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
I'm probably going to catch a two-by-four from you on this one but I got to ask, what is the likelihood that I get re idolized by her
(Smack)
Just a thought re the re idolise. Never happened in the first place. You were love bombed.
It's fake love.
V
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 09:04 AM
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Just a thought re the re idolise. Never happened in the first place. You were love bombed.
It's fake love.
V
I cannot be 100% on that unless she were to get an actual diagnosis.
"The Idiots guide to MLC" here on the forums also was an EXACT SCRIPT for what she did. SO it calls into conflict, does she actually do Narcissistic tendencies or is she just a very extreme WW/MLC???
Only her future behavior and a diagnosis could difinitivly answer this question.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 09:19 AM
Originally Posted By: OrangeK
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Just a thought re the re idolise. Never happened in the first place. You were love bombed.
It's fake love.
V
I cannot be 100% on that unless she were to get an actual diagnosis.
"The Idiots guide to MLC" here on the forums also was an EXACT SCRIPT for what she did. SO it calls into conflict, does she actually do Narcissistic tendencies or is she just a very extreme WW/MLC???
Only her future behavior and a diagnosis could difinitivly answer this question.
Oh the MLC rubbish. Doesn't exist as a diagnosis. It's old fashioned notion in my view. Poor things trapped in some kind of weird land of MLC. Maybe their hormones made them cheat not their entitled attitude. Maybe they are in a fog? Nope takes effort to be that manipulative, no sign of it when removing their knickers or planning their alternate lives. No sign when they are falsely planning to put you in jail, claim you are unsuitable as a dad or out to harm them.
Nope MLC is not in the DSM, better brains than mine have decided it's nonsense. Sort of like Narnia and going through the cupboard.
WW is a behaviour cluster not a personality issue.
V
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 09:27 AM
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Maybe they are in a fog? Nope takes effort to be that manipulative, no sign of it when removing their knickers or planning their alternate lives. No sign when they are falsely planning to put you in jail, claim you are unsuitable as a dad or out to harm them.
V
"Nope takes effort to be that manipulative"
Good point, i always justified it like she made shitty decisions based on poor thought processes and that she would continue to lie, manipulate and whatnot was just because she was desperately trying to maintain her image and save face rather than face the music and responsibility deal with the ramifications of her actions.
Or god forbid, come and speak to me as her partner when she started becoming unhappy, like a normal adult.
I think she really believed she was in love with me, just like she likely believes she is in love with OM.
She has a limerence issue. I remember her specifically saying "The spark, the butterflies went away, and i dont think theyll come back"
She thinks Limerence is love. She thinks a "CRUSH" is what love feels like. She doesn't know what true, long term, unconditional love is. She thinks she does.
When she has repeated this cycle a few more times i think she might begin to realize its her not others.
We'll see.
As co-parent i have a front seat for the future of her lunacy.
Dunno why im so angry today.
wish i could feed OM a few of his incisors.
ill pretend his face is on my heavy bag.....again.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 12:26 PM
HI OrangeK, I know what you mean about other people in happy marriages saying to move on or get over it. They have no idea. It's almost not worth talking to them. I felt the same way when my husband lied about where he was going in January and it turns out he took his girlfriend on a luxury trip to Dubai and I discovered her Instagram pictures of her with my husband going to a country where we planned to go together to buy furniture for our new house. A lot of my friends' responses were "just divorce him already!" or "he'll be back to you when he's done with her!" or "what a bastard!"
I think few people feel comfortable talking to someone who has been hurt to this degree. It makes them uncomfortable, they don't know what to say, and they just don't understand so they think it's just you overreacting.
Do you have a counselor or therapist? I don't remember but that might be the best person for you right now along with a religious figure. There's a book I read called "Left Alone to Learn" on Amazon that touches slightly upon how you're feeling but even that guy reconciled with his wife and it wasn't nearly as bad as what you're experiencing.
Regarding your physical and stomach problems resulting from this stress, there are definitely a variety of medications your doctor could offer if you want them. I've had so many health problems since my husband left and my stomach has been painful for most of the last eight months although I have a physical condition called erosive gastritis that may be unrelated.
I guess no one can fix this for you and there's not much even you can do to fix what's happening. There are a lot of lessons you're learning about life and what humans are capable of doing to hurt one another. It's not fair. I think you have every right to be angry and feel the way you do. I also feel like there should be something you could document or do to stop allowing this other man unlimited access to your son. I don't know where you live or what the laws are but you should take pictures of those Instagram pictures and record statements from your son and do anything possible to gather evidence to protect your son if needed. Also there must be some authoritative figure in your wife's life who can talk some sense into her, not in terms of returning to you against her will but in terms of parenting advice. Do you know anyone who can call her make it clear that her actions are harmful to your son? This other man could disappear at any time. He's not a stable figure in your son's life. Your son's best interests aren't his priority. Only you can look out for you son in this situation. I'm sure some will argue to not get anyone else involved and maybe there's no one in a position to do so, but I know my daughter's preschool teacher called my husband and said some things to him and it did make a difference.
I hope you can just keep staying alive during this nightmare and get through this court visit and get some clarity.
I think few people feel comfortable talking to someone who has been hurt to this degree. It makes them uncomfortable, they don't know what to say, and they just don't understand so they think it's just you overreacting.
Do you have a counselor or therapist? I don't remember but that might be the best person for you right now along with a religious figure. There's a book I read called "Left Alone to Learn" on Amazon that touches slightly upon how you're feeling but even that guy reconciled with his wife and it wasn't nearly as bad as what you're experiencing.
Regarding your physical and stomach problems resulting from this stress, there are definitely a variety of medications your doctor could offer if you want them. I've had so many health problems since my husband left and my stomach has been painful for most of the last eight months although I have a physical condition called erosive gastritis that may be unrelated.
I guess no one can fix this for you and there's not much even you can do to fix what's happening. There are a lot of lessons you're learning about life and what humans are capable of doing to hurt one another. It's not fair. I think you have every right to be angry and feel the way you do. I also feel like there should be something you could document or do to stop allowing this other man unlimited access to your son. I don't know where you live or what the laws are but you should take pictures of those Instagram pictures and record statements from your son and do anything possible to gather evidence to protect your son if needed. Also there must be some authoritative figure in your wife's life who can talk some sense into her, not in terms of returning to you against her will but in terms of parenting advice. Do you know anyone who can call her make it clear that her actions are harmful to your son? This other man could disappear at any time. He's not a stable figure in your son's life. Your son's best interests aren't his priority. Only you can look out for you son in this situation. I'm sure some will argue to not get anyone else involved and maybe there's no one in a position to do so, but I know my daughter's preschool teacher called my husband and said some things to him and it did make a difference.
I hope you can just keep staying alive during this nightmare and get through this court visit and get some clarity.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 12:32 PM
By the way in my career I work with people afflicted by war, from Iraq, Syria, Afghanistan, etc... Some of these people had their family members' killed by their neighbors and they had to keep living next to their neighbors, or they lost their whole families, or their kids died due to a bomb or medical shortages. Some were tortured and wanted to commit suicide but didn't for some reason. There are so many injustices these people have faced and those are the people who understand how you're feeling - if you have any refugees living near by, seek them out and I assure you you'll get better support than your average happily married friends.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 02:25 PM
Originally Posted By: NicoleR
By the way in my career I work with people afflicted by war, from Iraq, Syria, Afghanistan, etc... Some of these people had their family members' killed by their neighbors and they had to keep living next to their neighbors, or they lost their whole families, or their kids died due to a bomb or medical shortages. Some were tortured and wanted to commit suicide but didn't for some reason. There are so many injustices these people have faced and those are the people who understand how you're feeling
Well if that wasn't a slice of Humble Pie if I've ever been served one. Thank you Nicole I know you weren't trying to go for tough love there but you accomplished it and you accomplished it well. Here I am complaining that my wife left me when stuff like this was happening in the world.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 02:43 PM
Hi Orange, I actually just mean those kinds of people (refugees) would be good support because they can relate better but I guess the tough love lesson is unintentionally there too - I try to use that on myself. It doesn't work that great but I do have many friends from those countries who just understand better than our fellow Westerners. My chef when I was living in Iraq got caught in the middle of a shoot out, was arrested and jailed for five years, had nothing when he got out, and is still jobless and he and his family live in a tin structure on someone's roof. I've been trying to help him but he rarely gets internet access. When I told him about my problems he said "don't worry, give me your husband's number and I'll call him and fix it for you." I kind of wish I let him have that chance. Who knows. But people from those places somehow intuitively know that you need someone to do stuff for you when you're suffering, like call you every day, bring you food, help with the dishes, get angry on your behalf about what happened to you, even so angry that your own anger seems weak compared to theirs.....you need to find people like those right now!
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 02:55 PM
Hello.orange, i am kind of caught up on your situation
Listen. You have a lot going for you. You are still young. You have a healthy son, A job. Etc.
Your wife having an affair at this point is a blessing in disguise. She showed you early on who she is. If you are religious, than thank god for giving you this Intel early in your life. Everything haooensnfor a reason.
But right now you need to be smart. Forced no contact was good for you. You will eventually get out of the puppy dog love phase and no contact is the way to do it. If you stay in that phase, it will ruin you.
But right now look at the big picture which is you and your son. Make sure you do what ever is in you and the little guys best interest. Make your decisions and negotiations based on that. Do not make them based on any chance of reconciliation or any crap games she tries to pull (and she will). Stay calm and professional with her. No letters ever.
A big priority might need to be no sleep overs in a strange mans bed? What did your lawyer say about that?
I think a lot of the DB book advise is great for marital problems, but not so great for abusive high conflict divorce situations like yours.
Just focus on a good settlement for you and child and whatever you have to do to get her away fron your life and be grateful shes Om's problem now. Thats a good thing.
You will get through this. You seem like a smart guy. Just stop projecting your beliefs onto her. And change your focus onto what you actually can have an impact on.
Listen. You have a lot going for you. You are still young. You have a healthy son, A job. Etc.
Your wife having an affair at this point is a blessing in disguise. She showed you early on who she is. If you are religious, than thank god for giving you this Intel early in your life. Everything haooensnfor a reason.
But right now you need to be smart. Forced no contact was good for you. You will eventually get out of the puppy dog love phase and no contact is the way to do it. If you stay in that phase, it will ruin you.
But right now look at the big picture which is you and your son. Make sure you do what ever is in you and the little guys best interest. Make your decisions and negotiations based on that. Do not make them based on any chance of reconciliation or any crap games she tries to pull (and she will). Stay calm and professional with her. No letters ever.
A big priority might need to be no sleep overs in a strange mans bed? What did your lawyer say about that?
I think a lot of the DB book advise is great for marital problems, but not so great for abusive high conflict divorce situations like yours.
Just focus on a good settlement for you and child and whatever you have to do to get her away fron your life and be grateful shes Om's problem now. Thats a good thing.
You will get through this. You seem like a smart guy. Just stop projecting your beliefs onto her. And change your focus onto what you actually can have an impact on.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 03:47 PM
OrangeK - you are FULLY entitled to your anger.
I diverge from some folks here who talk about anger being useless. I think explosive anger is most definitely terrible and you should not be around anyone until you can get a handle on such emotions.
But, anger, loosely speaking here is a great emotion to move forward and reach more objectivity. That's just my opinion. My sitch is no way abusive as yours and I was plenty angry and it was completely justified. You are fully in your rights to feel this way. Just don't allow anger to do something stupid that would jeopardize your future and your son's future. Don't target your anger at the OM. Channel that anger to make positive changes and let it out in a controlled way.
I diverge from some folks here who talk about anger being useless. I think explosive anger is most definitely terrible and you should not be around anyone until you can get a handle on such emotions.
But, anger, loosely speaking here is a great emotion to move forward and reach more objectivity. That's just my opinion. My sitch is no way abusive as yours and I was plenty angry and it was completely justified. You are fully in your rights to feel this way. Just don't allow anger to do something stupid that would jeopardize your future and your son's future. Don't target your anger at the OM. Channel that anger to make positive changes and let it out in a controlled way.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 06:53 PM
Orange
That wasn't love or limmerance. Disordered people don't get into that state, don't choose love. Is the way they feel about themselves, good because of what they are given. It elevates them above you, makes them seem superior. Until it dissatisfied then they move on to the next one.
They know they are 'mirroring' and know they are holograms.
Also this is what happens with their children. Babies give unconditional love, as children grow to be their own people the disordered choose to make them golden or scapegoat. Their spouses and children are there to serve them, until they get bored and want better supply.
It is not love, that isn't their choice.
You know this as you have researched disorder.
V
That wasn't love or limmerance. Disordered people don't get into that state, don't choose love. Is the way they feel about themselves, good because of what they are given. It elevates them above you, makes them seem superior. Until it dissatisfied then they move on to the next one.
They know they are 'mirroring' and know they are holograms.
Also this is what happens with their children. Babies give unconditional love, as children grow to be their own people the disordered choose to make them golden or scapegoat. Their spouses and children are there to serve them, until they get bored and want better supply.
It is not love, that isn't their choice.
You know this as you have researched disorder.
V
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 07:05 PM
I call it the glitter ball syndrome, reflecting the light around them until something seemingly brighter comes along. Reflected glory, makes them look good. Looking good makes them seem good, all excellent approbation.
Children are like cute puppies getting them attention until they need walking, poop needs clearing up or they chew the carpets. Cute puppies glorify get attention. That's why some keep having cuto babies with endless pregnancy, unconditional love and attention.
Just props in the play of look at me because I am glorious, adore me my public. I am a celebrity, and I am fabulous. Look at my new props don't they make me look good. Oh over there are better ones.
V
Children are like cute puppies getting them attention until they need walking, poop needs clearing up or they chew the carpets. Cute puppies glorify get attention. That's why some keep having cuto babies with endless pregnancy, unconditional love and attention.
Just props in the play of look at me because I am glorious, adore me my public. I am a celebrity, and I am fabulous. Look at my new props don't they make me look good. Oh over there are better ones.
V
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 11:10 PM
Orange, the best weapon you can have against OM is your own WW.
Let them be...
Keep strong man. It is hard, but you must do it. For your son and yourself.
Let them be...
Keep strong man. It is hard, but you must do it. For your son and yourself.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 11:55 PM
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/01/18 11:57 PM
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/02/18 01:25 AM
Aww Sandi, i look forward to reading your response. Sorry the board is messing with you.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/02/18 04:38 AM
Update on Court tomorrow:
My Pub Def just emailed me and let me know that in the 2 months since the last hearing Prosecutor / WW have NOT gotten a new estimate for damages as they were requested to do.
The mechanic is coming to court instead.
I have already been on a TRO from this for 3 months. It feels an awful lot like Guilty until proven innocent as opposed to the other way around. I feel like the whole court system is already decided against me.
Based on the fact that the damages will be discussed tomorrow i am anticipating it getting continued.....again.
I have a bad feeling that I am going to feel the wrath of the bias court system tomorrow, as soon as i had that "Domestic" label slapped on my case i automatically became the bad guy and that image is going to sway the decisions of the court.
THe police report is written as though it assumes my guilt as well.
Im really very pissed about how all of this is going down.
She totally didnt need to do this. This is vindictive avoidance from her. A way to Screw me over from a distance without actually doing the screwing herself.
Good thing im getting out early today, i need the time to unwind. Tomorrow is going to suck.
My Pub Def just emailed me and let me know that in the 2 months since the last hearing Prosecutor / WW have NOT gotten a new estimate for damages as they were requested to do.
The mechanic is coming to court instead.
I have already been on a TRO from this for 3 months. It feels an awful lot like Guilty until proven innocent as opposed to the other way around. I feel like the whole court system is already decided against me.
Based on the fact that the damages will be discussed tomorrow i am anticipating it getting continued.....again.
I have a bad feeling that I am going to feel the wrath of the bias court system tomorrow, as soon as i had that "Domestic" label slapped on my case i automatically became the bad guy and that image is going to sway the decisions of the court.
THe police report is written as though it assumes my guilt as well.
Im really very pissed about how all of this is going down.
She totally didnt need to do this. This is vindictive avoidance from her. A way to Screw me over from a distance without actually doing the screwing herself.
Good thing im getting out early today, i need the time to unwind. Tomorrow is going to suck.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/02/18 04:46 AM
I think im getting to the point where i dont want R. I still miss her and have love for her, but the contempt is outweighing it.
She has destroyed my life, and hers, for what? a fling? 4 months into marraige, and 5 years into a relationship?
At the cost of my sons happiness and development?
Disgusting.
I hope she is as unprepared for court and Divorce as she is in most other aspects of her life. Organization, time and money management are all bad for her, because she is mentally 12.
Heres hoping she just gets fed up, frustrated and fails.
My innocence is at stake.
Wish me luck folks.
She has destroyed my life, and hers, for what? a fling? 4 months into marraige, and 5 years into a relationship?
At the cost of my sons happiness and development?
Disgusting.
I hope she is as unprepared for court and Divorce as she is in most other aspects of her life. Organization, time and money management are all bad for her, because she is mentally 12.
Heres hoping she just gets fed up, frustrated and fails.
My innocence is at stake.
Wish me luck folks.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/02/18 04:52 AM
thanks man, i know this is the truth but its been so hard to sit back and do nothing. They stole my life away, but i know WW is just a timebomb with a maximum clock of 5 years with ANY relationship, be it professional, platonic, familial or intimate.
She has literally never had a friend, job, mate or husband last more than 3-5 years.
She turns on family often, mostly her mom.
Her Dad always seems to have a positive light, and i think there are DARK things in their past.....
She has literally never had a friend, job, mate or husband last more than 3-5 years.
She turns on family often, mostly her mom.
Her Dad always seems to have a positive light, and i think there are DARK things in their past.....
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/24/18 05:52 AM
Originally Posted By: OrangeK
She has literally never had a friend, job, mate or husband last more than 3-5 years.
There you go.
Do what you can to go cold turkey on her. Stop engaging w/ her.
Focus on your son & you'll get through this. 30 is young.
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/24/18 05:56 AM
How well did you know her? How long were you dating before you had a child with her?
Re: Advice on my scenario Pt. 3 - 05/24/18 05:59 AM
Nevermind, I saw.
Honestly, she is who she is and always was. She showed you her true colors from the start and there was every red flag. It's hard when you are so smitten with someone, but she is who she showed you she is from the beginning.
My ex was the same. Sometimes we just look past all those huge blaring red flags in the name of love or hoping someone will change.
it's a lesson learned, for sure.
Honestly, she is who she is and always was. She showed you her true colors from the start and there was every red flag. It's hard when you are so smitten with someone, but she is who she showed you she is from the beginning.
My ex was the same. Sometimes we just look past all those huge blaring red flags in the name of love or hoping someone will change.
it's a lesson learned, for sure.