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Posted By: anative WW wants to reconcile. I'm being pursued. - 04/26/18 09:19 PM
Here is my first post. My situation has change from I am a pursuer to being pursued.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...202#Post2782202

After 12 months of calling, texting and PA, my WW decided to stop contacting with OM on her own. She told me she blocked his calls, texts and willing to change her number. However, I never asked what happen between them. Not yet.

We are still working at the shop together. I stay at condo on weekdays, stay home on weekends when my D comes back from boarding school. My W said she wants me to come back home but I told her I'm not ready. She always ask me to do things together like lunch ,dinner, shopping. Even ask me to plan some trips together w/o my D. Hurry to plan to build a new house together. She asks me to kiss her and hug her. I feel awkward every time my W talks sweet or touches me. The visuals of her doing things to OM came to my head every time she did those things. I try to avoid the quiet time alone with her because I'm not ready to talk about relationship with her.

She works so hard to make it up for me and hope that someday soon I will feel the same with her. Unfortunately, I don't think it can be the same. Ever. I can live with her and take care of her for the rest of my life but I don't think I will ever be able to love her like I want to again. Later? I don't know but not this soon for sure.

I told her that I'm glad that she finally discontinues relationship with OM. It is good for our D and our M. If this happen a little earlier I would be glad for myself too. However, the thin line that attach me and her is not there anymore. She shouldn't go see him again last time because I told her that if they sleep together again that would be it. But she said she didn't hear that I said. Now, It will be a long long time for me to come back the same or may be never. It might be sooner if OM is dead but that would be a crime. If she is willing to wait, I am here. If she gave up, I understand too. I don't need her love. I just want her to be a good mother to my child and be in a family.

I don't care if she calls or texts anyone no more. I don't worry where she go and with whom no more. I know there are sth wrong with me. I should change her number, check her phone, ask her where she went. But I don't feel like doing it. Not right now. I am so confuse.

Is anyone here has the same feeling as me?
Posted By: RR17 Re: WW wants to reconcile. I'm being pursued. - 04/26/18 10:54 PM
Sorry for your sitch. The fact that you are able to be around her says volumes. We all feel like our feelings are settled. Fact is they are never settled.

The Pursuer/Distancer dynamic is a simple yet often not understood one. When a connection is missing, a chased individual will flee. Once it is no longer chased the sitch can reverse its self.

I did not go back and read your original thread. Only where you are today.
I think you have to decide if it is your wounded ego that is keeping you from moving forward. I'm not saying that it is not rightly so.
But perhaps IC or just some personal exploration to decide why or what it is that you want to do. Life is short. When you have someone that wants you, that too can change.
A,

It will take time. She has caused you pain, now you learned how to live and cope with that pain. You dont want that pain to ever come back. And deep down you know if you begin to recon, you Will have pain those old hurt feelings will resurface.

Here's the thing, you have detached, bit now you must heal. You have to let this pain out and go thru it for you to get better. You are confused because you dont know what you want out of the M.

You have to either move on with your life with your wife or without. But you have to decide. You have to be up front and honest with her.

She has to be willing to work on your terms. It's going to be very hurtful, the truth is painful. But theres beauty on the otherside of that truth.

You dont want to go thru her phone or ask questions, because you know there's hurt there and as humans we like to avoid pain.

Just know, the decision of your M is now in your hands. Cutting ties IMO won't be any easier than recon. Theres pain and hard work on both sides. It just a little different view on each side on the road.

Also maybe you are stuck in making a decision.

Either decision you decide, you now know you Will be ok.
Anative

I have been reading along in your sitch since the beginning and you have great help from 25 and Joejoe amoung others.

I am very hard on cheating and entitled user behaviour and that is my slant. Loving detachment is often a technique used by H trying to repair their R.

Sadly I don't know your jurisdiction nor how the rules there operate.

If you haven't seen a lawyer then you must. Absolutely I believe you need to know your position legally. Knowing is power to you, once you know then you cannot unknow. And knowing doesn't mean D, it means understanding, it means no mistakes.

My WH was in your position, living in a house that was in my name, having lost his job was in the business. Yes, he was wayward and abusive which I know you are not. He also cheated, stole and gambled, was a drunkard. None of which you are.

However despite all of that and our M being very short the courts here awarded him a tidy settlement. And WH was living with OW9!

Know your position. And cards close chest.

Please keep all the evidence of WW cheating and antics. Keep it safe somewhere, even if you have to hire storage to do so.

This is very important.

I do not like your position at all unless you know how much power you have at this point. And if I were you then I would want some post nuptial agreement for half of the business and home.

V is now strong on knowing. Cards, close chest. Intel for you.

Cheaters cheat and no matter how much they profess their innocence and offer you penance then trust is broken. It's hard to come back from entitlement and the poor way you have been treated. You can love without trust and you can trust without love. The entitled disregard your WW showed to you then I think you will never forget.

The damage is done to your M by WW. She will pursue so maybe now is the time to reset the R and be a true 50:50 in everything including legally. Living on eggshells like this is dispiriting and will run you down. If WW truly means what she says and is one of the rare entitled waywards who atones, then I think you need a safety position financially. This happening again in 10 years time leaves you even more vulnerable.

With regard to children, I do not believe in secrets. You are as weak as your secrets. Which is very weak. Do I think you should say horrible things about WW? No. But I do believe the truth will out any way and by keeping silent you ruin your R with your daughter. So a simple statement to her "D, I have something I want to tell you, your mum has been having an A with OM for x months. OM lives in another country but visits here. Your mom has told me it is over with OM and I am unsure of my position and how I feel. Other than sad. This isn't something I want to go to in depth with you today but I want you to know. This is a private family matter and for my sake I would like you to be confidential.'

Those are my concerns and thoughts. This phase is about you and not being ready to piece.

V
i would be reluctant to work on the relationship at this point if i were you... i think it's important to know why her relationship with OM ended... did he end it? if so--you might be a rebound... do not be her rebound...

in addition, she needs to do "the work..." otherwise, you will be right back at the BD position before long...

cuidado, hombre...

--artista
Hi Anative, I just want to say it's helpful to read your follow-up and I wish you'd continue to post about how things progress. Thanks!
RR17: Yes, it might be my ego that keep me from fully accepting her back. However, If only me can let go the past. It will joy back to our family and the most important one my daughter.

Joe: Thanks for sticking with me all along. I wouldn t be this far w/o your and every else advices.

Vanilla: We only got a marriage license in Florida. I m planing to get one from my country also. In case, things happen again, I will get myself (and my D) covered. It might sound selfish and greedy to her but if she truly honest about us then she should have nothing to worry about. Thank you for bringing this up.

artista: I asked her how its ended?
Last time they met, she told OM that she doesn t want to continue any relationship with him no more. She love me love our D and she doesn t want to lose anything she has. OM didn t take it serious. He kept calling and texting my W. She didn t reply any of them. So, he sent the last word Good luck. Then, my W deleted his account and blocked his number. This was what she told me.
Posted By: Cadet Re: WW wants to reconcile. I'm being pursued. - 05/09/18 06:13 AM
Have you read the disappearing posts thread?

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2785770#Post2785770

How are you typing your words into the reply box?
What kind of device are you using?

I suggest trying to use a laptop or desktop computer and typing the words into the reply box
RR17: Yes, it might be my ego that keep me from fully accepting her back. However, if only me can let go the past, I can bring joy back to our family and most important one my daughter.

Joe: Thanks for sticking with me all along. I wouldn't be this far w/o yours and everyone else advises.

Vanilla: We only got marriage license from FL. I'm going to get one from my country also. In case, things like this happen again, I will get myself and my D covered. If she is truly honest about us then she should have nothing to worry about. thank you for bringing this up.

artista: I did ask her how it's ended?
Last time they met, she told OM that she doesn't want to continue any relationship with him no more. She love me love our D. She doesn't want to lose everything and anything she has. OM didn't take it serious. He's still calling and texting my wife but she didn't response to any of them. So, he texted the last word "Good luck". Then, my wife deleted OM text's account, his number and blocked his call. This is what she told me.
I had my W write a no contact email. She sent it to me so I could proof read it and I watched as she pressed send.

Make her show you what she has done. Her doing all that without showing seems a little suspicious. She needs to be fully transparent. And tahat means showing you what she has done.

No prob A. We are here for each other. I'm just giving back whatvwas gave to me. And what has continue to be given to me. The help on this forum is invaluable. People pay thousands of dollars to recieve to help we get here for free.
Posted By: JujuB Re: WW wants to reconcile. I'm being pursued. - 05/10/18 01:05 AM
Hello anative.

Im more in the Vanilla camp... mistrustful of spouses that were once capable of cheating, or whom felt a sense of entitlement large enough to enable them to cheat.

I do however suggest reading an old poster named Lim. He dealt with similar issues regarding transparency. He has not updated for a while. He was was piecing, but posted on newcomers
Posted By: JujuB Re: WW wants to reconcile. I'm being pursued. - 05/10/18 01:10 AM
I dont think its your ego that keeps you from taking her back.

The act of cheating is one of the most painful forms of betrayal. I have read that it hurts more then death. When some one cheats, they hurt you emotionally, but also have the potential of impacting your physical health through very dangerous stds.

There is a lot to think about. So you are smart to have doubts. It is wise for you to not take her actions lightly.
Hello Anative,

What you are feeling now is not strange.
Whatever the reason that your wife has a changed in heart will not matter for you as of now.
Let your wife work hard to win you back.
If you can hold on for 2 years, then do it.
If she says she loves you, do not respond with I love you, just keep your silence.
I have realized from my own relationship and from others, if your partner is not invested or has not invested, they are easy to leave or look somewhere else. If you want her to stay in the relationship, play it smart, you now have the upper hand.
The secret to happiness is not having regrets about the past and not worrying about the future.
Live for today.

This helped me during my darkest days.


Forced your wife to decide what she want but make sure that her decision is an established decision and not a rebound relationship or perhaps because the OM is no longer an option and you are the only option left.
Let her drool for 2 years, play hard to get, so next time she looks somewhere else, she will think hard on all the investments she has placed on your marriage.

Good luck!
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
With regard to children, I do not believe in secrets. You are as weak as your secrets. Which is very weak. Do I think you should say horrible things about WW? No. But I do believe the truth will out any way and by keeping silent you ruin your R with your daughter. So a simple statement to her "D, I have something I want to tell you, your mum has been having an A with OM for x months. OM lives in another country but visits here. Your mom has told me it is over with OM and I am unsure of my position and how I feel. Other than sad. This isn't something I want to go to in depth with you today but I want you to know. This is a private family matter and for my sake I would like you to be confidential.

I'm not sure if this is a good idea. This past year, I did everything to hide this A from my D. I'm still wondering what might happen if I moved out the day I found out her A. Will she stop right then? If I told my D and her parent right away, will she continue her A this long?

I have to make an extremely careful about what I am going to tell my D. Because, once she knew I cannot make her forget. She is very happy right now that we live as a family again. She might go to boarding high school in USA next year. I don't want her to worry anything when she's away. I might tell her only if telling her will help her make a better decision of her situations when she has her own family.
Originally Posted By: Amazona
Let your wife work hard to win you back.
If you can hold on for 2 years, then do it.
If she says she loves you, do not respond with I love you, just keep your silence.
I have realized from my own relationship and from others, if your partner is not invested or has not invested, they are easy to leave or look somewhere else. If you want her to stay in the relationship, play it smart, you now have the upper hand.

Forced your wife to decide what she want but make sure that her decision is an established decision and not a rebound relationship or perhaps because the OM is no longer an option and you are the only option left.
Let her drool for 2 years, play hard to get, so next time she looks somewhere else, she will think hard on all the investments she has placed on your marriage.

We have twice serious R talks since she said she was done with OM.

First time, she asked me if I will give her a chance to make it up. I don't have to believe her now just take a look at her. Don't be cold but be friend with her and consider about getting back together again. That was all she want. I told her, it might take a very long long time and it might not be the same. she said, she is willing to wait and thanks me for that.

Second time, 2 months later, she said she wants to know if I still have love left. She doesn't want to start over like we are stranger and wish for love to happen. If I have love just a little bit, let start from there, build love from whatever has left not from none. She said that I don't have to believe her but what happen with her make her realize that she still love me very much and no one can replace me. She want us to hold hands, kiss, make love again because all that make her happy and she knew that will make me happy too. So why not start from there. She want me to come stay at home when the condo's contract is over in June. She is hurry building the new house. Trade her car that she drove with OM. She is working very hard to earn it. I know that she will get tired some day if I'm not appreciate and one day she will quit. I ask myself if my daughter who I love very much did something that unforgivable will I forgive her. I think I will because I love my daughter unconditional. I might give my wife another chance and I will love her unconditional because this is the best I can do to my family.

Since, I can't post from my phone anymore, I might not be able to post very often. I don't want my wife to find out these conversations. However, I will check back from time to time. I deeply appreciate every help from here. I wish you all have a good fortune on the path you decide to take.
Posted By: Cadet Re: WW wants to reconcile. I'm being pursued. - 05/22/18 10:11 PM
Originally Posted By: anative

Since, I can't post from my phone anymore, I might not be able to post very often.

You can post from your phone just do not use any quotes or contractions.

I restored the missing post above and deleted the duplicates.
You can see the punctuation that caused it to not appear.
A,

Good job! Keep up the hard. Looks her actions are matching her words. You know what to watch out for.

Great job DBing and keep up the hard work. I hope you don't go too long without providing an update.
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