Okay, I'm going to try this again, and maybe I'll be more watchful of my battery power.
Good job at GAL and not being home when your W got off work.
As for how my W is responding to the GAL...I'm trying not to over-analyze or really worry about it, but I'm finding it hard to stick to the rules about giving few details and basically being mysterious because my W is so nosy! Sandi, her response to coming home from work today and me not being there was exactly as you predicted. I had 3 missed calls and multiple messages on different platforms. I responded when we got a water break and just said "at workout group, ends at 8" (she asked where was I, when would I be home, etc). My whole way home she is messaging "almost here"?
You are conditioned to give her the precise answer to her questions. It will be an effort for you to be mindful about giving vague responses. She totally over killed with her constant calls. In this case, you could laugh at her. Seriously, start laughing in her face, instead of behind her back. But now listen........laughing at her and turning around and doing what she orders is not cool. Laugh at her and don't do what she is demanding.
WW: "Where are you"?
You: "Just out and about".
WW: "You weren't here when I got home, and you didn't tell me you were going out"!
You: (chuckle) "Why did we have a date"? "Besides, I figured you would need your
hour".
WW: "It's been more than an hour, and I don't have any dinner"!
You: "Oh, go ahead and fix something for yourself. Don't wait for me".
WW: "Tell me what time will you be home".
You: "Hummm........not sure".
WW: "Well I need to know! What are you doing"?
You: (chuckles and ignores her second question) "Why, do you have a surprise"?
WW: "Are you
drunk"?!
You: "Not yet".
WW: "Are you
with somebody"?
You: (chuckle) "Not yet".
WW: "(really getting angry). "You had better tell me what you are doing and you had
better be on your way home, if you know what's good for you mister"!
You: (laugh). "Don't wait up. I have to go now". (disconnects the call and turns off the
the phone).
I gave more last night, but I'm trying to keep this post shorter. Oh, BTW, when she says she doesn't know what she wants to eat......just reply with, "Well, if
you don't know, I'm sure
I don't".
Now, when I got there I almost laughed. It was like that classic movie scene where the wife is sitting in the dark and turns the light on when her H walks in. She was sitting in the dark office with her feet on the desk literally waiting for me to arrive. I acted like I thought it was weird she was waiting (didn't have to act) and she starts asking me all about what I was doing, how it was, and then goes into how she has been sitting there stewing because she can't believe I hadn't let her know my plans. Now to be clear, she wasn't mad; it was pretty lighthearted and she knew she was being ridiculous. But she was still serious. She asked me to please let her know if I am going to be gone and what days my workout groups are going to be, etc. Is this her trying to exert power or what
Don't be afraid to laugh in her face and walk away from her. When you reach the point you can laugh at her and not worry about her reaction.......you will be growing b@lls. Will she be angry? She'll probably be furious, b/c you are putting her in her place.....and she'll struggle to get power. She'll say things like, "I'm still your W and I have a right to know your plans and when you will be home". Look at her and say............"Wait, I'm a little confused here. Is this the part we act like a married couple......when you are drilling me about
my personal life"? "If so, maybe you should tell me the part we act like a separated couple.....other than when it's bedtime".
She will get really angry, but that's fine. It means she is struggling to get power. If she starts demanding or ordering you, tell her, "I think you are confused.
You are the one in the military, not
me. You are not my commanding officer.". Then walk away. If she follows, just keep your cool, and laugh when she is rediclous. She can get glad in the same rags she got mad.
She is making up the rules to this game as she goes.......and you are going to change the entire game plan.
She asked me to please let her know if I am going to be gone and what days my workout groups are going to be, etc. Is this her trying to exert power or what? And should I agree or tell her I don't have to let her know? I am glad to see the "curiosity" and "interest" that MWD says to watch for, but it feels very...excessive.
You: (chuckle) "Hummmm.......no".
WW: "What?! You won't even have the decency to let your W know when you aren't going to be home"?
You: (laugh again). "No"!
WW: "Then I won't tell you anything about my plans"!
You: "Okey-dokey".
This entire time, you are busy doing something, getting ready for bed, fixing yourself something to eat, or whatever. You are not influenced by her anger or tears or pity party.....whatever trick she pulls out of her bag. But be prepared for something like this............
WW: (she may put on a sad face or mad face, expect either) "Well, I had been thinking we could resolve things and the reason I got upset that you weren't here is b/c I was anxious to talk to you about us sleeping together again. But now, I know you really don't love me, and will let me worry something has happened to you before you'd tell me anything.............yada, yada, yada. Now I know this M will never work, so I might as well file for a divorce. I'm not going to stay with a man who won't cooperate, is hateful and mistreats me..... and keeps secrets from his W"!
You: "If that's what you think you need to do, I won't stand in your way".
WW: "So, you want a divorce"!
You: "Oh, is this about what
I want? That's rich". (chuckle)
However, you do not engage in a R talk. Tell her you aren't in the mood, or act disinterested and don't respond. Start watch TV, or go for a walk, or go to the bedroom and close the door.
After that intense ordeal, she followed me around moaning about how she was in pain and wanted to do all these chores but just couldn't, blah blah. I don't know how or why she ever got into the habit of doing that, but it is not attractive to say the least.
You know this her manipulating you to do her work, right? If gives her a sense of control and power over you. She was testing you to see if she was back at the wheel of this vehicle.
You: "I think I need to tell you something".
WW: "Okay.....what it is"?
You: "You are really unattractive when you moan & groan about how bad you feel and how you
wanted to do all these chores but just couldn't". "It's actually a turn-off".
She may go off on you, or start bawling. Don't respond, juscow all away, or go into your room and close the door in her face. Don't apologize, no matter what she says or does! This is you calling her out on this type of crap. Whatever you do, don't do any of those chores! If you do, then her manipulation worked. You are going to stop being a nice-guy that she can work.
Anyway, eventually we go to our separate rooms but somehow she ends up in my room climbing into the bed next to me so we can online shop together. Then she wants to know if I'm making dinner and what I will eat. You can see where this is going...So then I'm heating up her food and she's asking to share a drink, and I'm wondering how I got sucked into the vortex again.
What a wuss!
. Yeah, she works you real good. Butters you up like a turkey......,and you fall for the accommodation every time. But this is going to stop, right?
It's very hard for me to figure out where to draw the line between letting her initiate conversations and "hanging out" and me ending up doing things for her.
Laugh in her face. Say, "Oh I see how this is played". (laugh) "No, I'm not fixing you something to eat". "Put your big girl panties on and go fix yourself something to eat". (Then pop her on her butt, as if you are playing). Stick to your word, but keep it light, unless she turns really ugly.
She can initiate conversation and hang out with you........as long as she is not doing it to manipulate you into doing something for her. See, it's as if she's playing trade out. She's sort of nice for a few minutes, then asks you what you are going to eat and if you'll fix some for her. That is rotten manipulation!
Do you see how things changed when you were out? You come home and she's the one following you and initiating conversations, when it's usually the other way around. I'd say that's a good 180, right there!
Work on becoming unconditioned to giving her quick, precise answers when she is being nosy. You do not share your agenda with her........okay? When she decides to end contact with OM, and stops keeping her own secrets, and starts sleeping with you like M couples should.......in other words, starts showing you respect and admiration.......then you can begin giving more precise answers to her questions about your agenda.
I don't think you will ever be able to be as accommodating again, b/c she is a "user". She has a sense of entitlement. You have made it much, much worse by catering to her, and hanging on to every word, and by showing how hungry you are to talk. You have to break that entitlement and make sure it never returns. Otherwise, she'll never be attracted to you. I'm not saying that after reconciling you can never do a few things for her........
if she returns the favors. I just think the over accommodating killed her attraction for you, and now she feels entitled and expects you to cater to her. That's not how a MR should work.
I like your additions to the "No More" rules. You are going to make big changes, and you are going to love it.