Hi DB members.
I am now separated 7 months married 3 yrs and together 5 yrs. When I met my wife 3/13 she was married for the 2nd time. Had a 6 yr old son from the 1st marriage. And a 8 month old girl from the 2nd marriage. We met in class at the community college. I was 36, she was 29. I had been engaged twice but never married and had a 6 yr old girl that lived with her mother and I saw every other weekend.
We started messaging each other through FB and phone. She informed me that her and her husband were done and both were living on opposite sides of the house. He was mentally and physically abusive as well as her 1st marriage. I felt so bad for her situation as she informed me that the only reason she still lives in the same house was for financial reasons. After talking for 3 months we had a date and was was physical within a couple hours. within a couple weeks she signed a 1 year lease for an apartment. After a year she was divorced, I proposed and we were engaged and she moved into my house. after she moved in the following year she was physically abusive towards me. She was constantly accusing me of cheating (Which I did NOT). we would get into huge arguments and she would pack her belongings in her car and take the children. Now, mind you I was completely innocent of the accusations. she had slapped, scratched and punched me. all while verbally degrading me. I know what you are thinking, We should have ended it there. When we had great times they were GREAT but the bad times were BAD. The sex was amazing which made us overlook the bad.
After a year of seeing her pack the children up and leave. whether a day, a couple days or a week. The verbal abuse and physical abuse. I started to lash out physically by pushing her away from me. Also verbally I was abusive. within 4 1/2 years she had taken 3 restraining orders out on me. The first two I was back home within 24 hrs and she dropped the RO when we went to court. The 1st one she dropped we went to the magistrate and got married. The second one we decided to try to conceive, so she quit her BC. Now to this one, She did not drop it. I was stupid for not hiring a lawyer. But given our history I thought she would drop it. The judge granted it for a year. 5 months into the restraining order I bought some Valentines gifts and left them on her apartment door. The next day I was arrested for violating a court order. 2 days before we had court I decided to go back to her apartment to give her back the jewelry she had left at my house. She had texted my family asking for it. They told me to sell it or throw it away. My friends and family will not mediate between us because how she has treated me. Well she violated me again.....
Within the 7 months of separation I have spoke to her on the phone a couple of times. She still was still accusing me of cheating on her. Telling me my mother and sister have not supported our marriage and even talked to the girl she accused me of cheating on her with.
Through the years she has moved out 3 times for a month at a time. signing a year lease at 3 different apartments. Breaking the lease and moving back in. each time the children were enrolled into that school district. The third time she moved into her second husbands house until she could move into her apartment. On our honeymoon we went on a cruise and got into an argument, for which she said she should have brought her ex husband, husband #2. For which I lost it. It was a physical altercation. We have been to a certified Christian marriage counselor which helped greatly. We were able to see the others point of view. Presently I am labeled a wife beater and she is a domestic abuse survivor. I have went to counseling, became more involved in church. serving every other weekend and joined an all men church group. And completely changed all the bad she mentioned in the conversations we had.
With many details omitted, does my marriage have a chance?
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
When we had great times they were GREAT but the bad times were BAD. The sex was amazing which made us overlook the bad.
Did you M her b/c the sex was better than the abuse was bad?
Sandi asked me to look in on you and post to you.
I was in an extremely abusive R and have some experience on compulesions. There is an abuse thread here which is essential reading. I will include the link.
I take abuse of all kinds very seriously indeed as should you, primarily this board is about repairing an M. In order to understand more then you will get more clean questions.
The RO enforcement is as a result of you not sticking to the order. You must stick to the order under all circumstances. If you do not then you will be arrested and jailed. This will destroy your life more so than it already is.
You admit to abuse, abuse has to stop. Full stop. No matter what else happens stay away from W and stop the abuse. There are children in this and you can be accused of abusing them if they are present with their mother. That isn't unusual in these circumstances. I speak as a woman who was reactively abusive verbally, what I call my screaming banshee phase. This occurred as a result of me being abused, my buttons pressed by a severely disordered husband.
Your W knows your buttons and you need to keep them out of reach. Completely, that means keeping away from her. Forget repairing your M and work on you. There are more serious issues than your M. There is your freedom.
You are the third H to go through this cycle with this W. And she likes to accuse and get the H in her life stuck with the abuse label. She may do that by ensuring she triggers being abused.
Whilst you may have some insight into this, I read blame. You may not be owning your abuse of her and the children. It is totally unacceptable to abuse another no matter what the dynamic is and even if there is provocation. MC is not suitable in these sitches. I am deeply ashamed of my abuse as screaming banshee and have worked very hard to ensure that never will happen again. That means staying away from R which will trigger this in me.
I think you have a lot of work to do on you. I know how much work that takes, in 12 stepping and remorse.
I think you need a great deal more help otherwise you may find yourself arrested and loose your freedom. I sense your W is right and your family don't support the R and frankly I can understand why.
The interaction between you as you describe it is severely toxic and extremely serious. This W only seems to be capable of being in abusive R. This is her third.
I think you know all of this already and nothing I have written here is surprising. It is my view that abusive toxic R are not worth saving even if they could be.
Constantly accusing you of cheating when you are not seems like pressing a hot button. Additionally you mention the sex was hot, and probably addictive. One tactic here seems to be for W to marry and tie herself with a child to each H. Her behaviour at first blush seems disordered.
Do you or W have bi polar or borderline personality disorder as a diagnosis? As these behaviours are red flags in both health issues and I think a clinical diagnosis for both of you may be required. If so there are some serious issues requiring addressing.
What are your mental health issues?
What treatment have you had for the explosive anger issues?
Do you or W have drinking or drug issues?
Are you in IC?
Have you attended abuse counselling?
Have you considered a 12 step program for codependency?
Where any of your previous R abusive?
Were you neglected as a child or abused?
I am not asking you to answer these questions here as although having a qualification and experience this is above my pay grade. However I think these issues require addressing.
My thoughts are stay away from W and sort you out. Bringing yet another child into a disorganised disordered mother is both dangerous and unhealthy.
Those are my views.
V
A lot of absuing spouses ramp up when there is an op in the wings.
I'm pretty sure they ramp up the abuse to get yo,u to leave but keep you hanging as plan b. We because we care hang about and try to save the m. This they want while they are building up the r withthe new person.
In my case he hit my son, amongst other much more serious things, because he had an ow with more income and less wise to his tricks. I had worked out on some levels thatthings were not right but I didn't realise till he left it was him stealing money from my wallet etc.
To save an abuse stich and it's possible if they own their side, in my case he was too busy with the ow blaming me for all our dramas to look within. He I doubt will ever do that, I suspectthe ow will have a much rougher time than I did as she seems to think she's pretty smart to human behivour.
Thank you Cadet. I will read all the threads and links you provided.
No, I married her because I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Looking back now I remember times she would start an argument and we had the BEST makeup sex.
Oh WOW! I cannot believe you mentioned BPD. My friend has a masters degree in substance abuse counselling which he studied mental health and DSMv manual. He said she is text book BPD and I'm a codependent.
I was arrested for both violations and go to court next month. My lawyer is pleading guilty and is trying to keep me from doing any jail time. He said I clearly violated the order but The violations are so minor unlike some clients he has that chase the someone around with a baseball bat. I found a con lit in a journal of her's that she left. It lists
Inability to communicate well
Presumptive
Insecure
Lacks parental skills
Lacks logical thinking
Lies
Sneaky
Deceptive
Self pity
"victim" mentality
Cares too much of others opinion of me
Lazy
Blames others
Selfish
Emotionally high maintenance
Ashamed
Venomous words
"Something wrong with me"
Runs from conflict
Shuts down
I don't like myself
Do not trust
Easily influenced by environment
-------------------------------------
I have contemplated that thought. The reason I am having trouble with accepting that she has someone else is. She left on a Saturday and she called and text me through Wednesday, which I did not answer or reply. I finally replied on Thursday and Friday morning she took the RO out on me. The reason I never answered or replied was simple man logic. As fast as she left out the door (for the 100th time) She could walk back in the door. Now I regret, not answering or replying....
Now I regret, not answering or replying....
Good thing you did not answer her.
If you have a RO against you best to follow that and stay far away from her.
If you responded sooner then it could be worse.
My suspicion is BPD.
V
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Now I regret, not answering or replying....
Good thing you did not answer her.
If you have a RO against you best to follow that and stay far away from her.
This was after our argument 7 months ago, before she took the RO out.
I definitely will stay away from her now. I didn't think she would be so malicious as to have me violated. I know now though.
If you responded sooner then it could be worse.
My suspicion is BPD.
V
I agree, and I am a codependent. Because anyone else would have been turned off by how fast she was moving in the R. I thought I was her knight and shining armor. That she had been dealt some bad relationships and I could build her self esteem up.
If you responded sooner then it could be worse.
My suspicion is BPD.
V
I agree, and I am a codependent. Because anyone else would have been turned off by how fast she was moving in the R. I thought I was her knight and shining armor. That she had been dealt some bad relationships and I could build her self esteem up.
You may wish to explore Ross Rosenberg on codependency. There are many great resources to help you.
Including 12 stepping in CODA. 12 stepping was very useful to me and attending CODA may help with your court case too. Some good CBT therapy and resolving FOO (family of origin) issues with IC is very paramount.
There are also abuse groups for men, some online which provide resources and online counselling. I think this is essential if you aren't going to carry this forward.
No doubt your L will point out you were invite to break the order. Please don't do that again.
V
If you responded sooner then it could be worse.
My suspicion is BPD.
V
I agree, and I am a codependent. Because anyone else would have been turned off by how fast she was moving in the R. I thought I was her knight and shining armor. That she had been dealt some bad relationships and I could build her self esteem up.
You may wish to explore Ross Rosenberg on codependency. There are many great resources to help you.
Including 12 stepping in CODA. 12 stepping was very useful to me and attending CODA may help with your court case too. Some good CBT therapy and resolving FOO (family of origin) issues with IC is very paramount.
There are also abuse groups for men, some online which provide resources and online counselling. I think this is essential if you aren't going to carry this forward.
No doubt your L will point out you were invite to break the order. Please don't do that again.
V
Could you elaborate on not carrying it forward? And what is L?
There are some abreviarions we use there's a list somewhere at the top of new comers.
L is lawyer.
This question is for the vets. In the past, every time my W left me I sought her out and pursued her. Asking her to come back, finding couple's counseling etc. As mentioned before she has been gone for 7 months now. I have spoke to her around Christmas a couple times which I asked. Just what is the end game? Are we getting a D? She replied yes, that that's what she wants. I replied, can we just get it over with? She said yes.
Should I file the paperwork and have the courts send her the papers to sign? If she does than it was God's will. If she don't, it would reveal her heart?
There's a couple of schools of thought.
Thought one is you file you start acting as if your moving on and do so. Maybe you need to act as if and just go out to friends while not feeling like the life the party.
The other is you wait for her to file but still act as if, so no asking her is she done. If you were really moving on who cares if she's done, who cares where she is or what she's doing. You go out get a life take up new thing dress better loose weight etc same as moving on in part one.
All in all protect you sever your joint fincials bills bank accounts etc. get your things in your name... cars utilities etc.
Thanks GG, I'll act as if. I have started working out as of 2 weeks ago and plan to spend my spare time with that.
If you dont want a Divorce, dont file.
Easily my biggest regret in my Sitch.
it has caused me no end of stress.
If she wants on she will file.
If you want one, file.
If not. do nothing.
OrangeK true. I do not want one and do not want to regret filing one.
Mate it really doesn't mater who files.
Divorce can be reverse even if you start it by filing you can stop at any time, you can also reconcile and remarry.
The big d is not always the end, my sil from my first marriage reconciled dozens of time with her husband and married him twice... at the end of his life they were apart but reconciling again.
Sometime the actual d can wake them them, especially as you have to seperate your money, otherwise she can use your funds to fund her new life and any Om.
So maybe if you don't file do a property settlement and child agreements post haste.
This help reality settle in hard often.
Tips for acting as if.
Use your fb to show gal, but say little. If she blocked from, Things like fb then disregard.
Be seen going out, so I used to change after work high heels and dresses jeans and nice tops etc to push the trolley around the local supermarket to be seen. Rumours flew and gossips will drag crumbs back.
Go to the local "pub bar coffee shop" also dressed up, also to be seen. If someone invites to the opening of an envelope say yes and go. Get out of the regular routines, so it you were seen on x day at x time doing y try to be somewhere else.
Act as if because it becomes letting go.
When you are in an abusive R, it's tough to let go. So acting as if you have will get you to the point of actually letting go.
You control you and I know you love WW. Borderline can be exciting to be with but the control and wild emotional ride can wreck you.
So in actual fact, discovering you and who you are is absolutely vital.
I really like the exercise idea, add on some great food choices, some terrific GAL and rest then you have extreme self care.
Look after you, yes it's tough and you will need this respite because dealing with crazy will be tough. Both GG and I have dealt with crazy.
I hope you read the abuse thread and walk to the pain. It's OK there are those of us ahead of you on the road saying it's great to move on and we know it's hard and it hurts. There is peace ahead, believe it and know you don't have to feel this way forever.
Please consider L advice, knowing your position will help with anxiety.
V
Vanilla.
Sandi told me to "track down Vanilla on the boards and see if she can take a peek at your thread"
So here i am.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2784300#Post2784300
I'm sorry that came off sounding very demanding I apologize. If you have some time and wanted to take a look at my threat I would appreciate it. Sorry I'm still new to this whole Forum thing
How are you 09?
I am concerned for you
V
I'm sorry that came off sounding very demanding I apologize. If you have some time and wanted to take a look at my threat I would appreciate it. Sorry I'm still new to this whole Forum thing
I won't hijack 09 thread. My own is in lazy river town of surviving.
V
Thank You Vanilla for your advice and encouraging words. I have no other choice but to move on and GAL. But it still hurts .... for now
@Ggrass I seem to be on autopilot just going through the motions. Working out, going to work and taking care of the house/yard. It wouldn't matter if I went out because I wouldn't see anyone she knows or talks to. As far as Facebook is concerned I loved it before I met her. Then hated it after I met her because of the arguments we got into because of it. Hmm.. guess that would be a great GAL move. I know her and know she does not expect me to get back in the shape I was in before her. And if she saw that it would eat her up....
09
That is generally how it is in these types of sitches. It's quite normal and ordinary. I feel sad saying that because I understand the pain. I have felt it.
It is bitter sweet to know and to say this is completely on queue.
You get in shape for you not to prove a point to another. Do it for you because it makes you the person you want to be.
Be the best you can be for you.
And autopilot is fine, in fact better than fine, it's what you want to be. GAL as much as you can. Why? Because it helps you to change state, even if it seems 'flat'. I recommend music too anything which lifts your heart and mood.
The best way of getting through this phase is just to keep on going. That's all you can do. Head in the direction you want to go. Set yourself a few small achievable goals.
I Internet promise it will improve
Hugs
V
I found out last night she's seeing one of my best friends cousin. My friend said he met her at church 5 months ago when he was in town visiting family. My friend wouldn't give me his name and says he lives a couple states away. He called him for me to ask if they had slept together and he said no. But I will pursue alienation of affection because his presence prevents reconciliation of our marriage. She has stated she wants the divorce on grounds of irreconcilable differences. Also if I find out she has had an affair it will state just that. I have been totally faithful to her and will be just that till the end. I want to walk away with a clear conscience knowing I tried my best to save my marriage.....