I would like your expert advice on how to handle this.
My husband had a full blown affair. He did came back but refuse to end the affair.
They are thousand of miles apart but because of facebook, continues to communicate everyday and have video sex.
They even posted a picture of both of them on the other woman's facebook cover photo.
Since the other woman is posting their affair on facebook, how do I fight back?
I have friends and relatives who wanted to tag and exposed the real truth about the affair and the other woman.
They are amazed on how this other woman has the guts to expose their affair online.
Divorce is not the solution since the other woman wanted to come here in America and have a green card.
I know she is using my husband, but my husband is blind.
She has a history of being a prostitute, my husband will not believe it though.
Are there any in the community who had a similar experience?
How did they handle this?
What do I do?
I do not want to drag my children in this online drama.
Is there any legal remedy?
Can I ask facebook to shut down their account since there's nudity involved?
Can I sue facebook? Because of facebook, a lot of families have been destroyed and having an affair is as easy as calling on your cellphone.
How do I handle this without appearing that I am "chasing" or pursuing my husband?
On the other hand, doing nothing is as if I condone their affair and I am letting this other woman do what she wants online.
The other woman's family and friends were told that the only reason my husband came back is only because of our children. My husband is telling me that he came back not only because of the children but because he still have feelings left for me. He said if it was just for the children, then he can just come and visit the children but not come home and stay with us.
Sincerely,
Legal wife
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Thank you for your response and tips.
I will check the links you suggested.
I don't know what else I can do.
I have read many many books including Michele's.
I am not at a point in my life that I feel more hatred towards my husband than love.
at this point, I love myself than whatever I feel for my husband.
I am tempted to the the 180 and last resort.
Kick him out and let him live his fantasy with this other woman.
Any thoughts?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Today is the second time I kicked out my husband for the night. He did stayed out for the night but then came back home in the morning. Looks like even if I wanted to, I cannot kick him out. And my husband is intent on staying. So the strategy of letting him live his fantasy with this other woman is not working.
What is it with men, when you tell them not to, they want to do it.
When you let them, they don't want to do it.
But one thing is for sure now, I the Legal Wife now has the upper hand.
That isn't just men, women have the "if you push I'll pull, if you pull I'll push" thing too.
Read Cadets links especially the one on detachment.
Amazonia
So sorry you are here. Truly.
I had almost this exact sitch, the G had several OW, nine to be precise most of the POWS (EAs) not PAs but it culminated in OW9, an ex exotic dancer from Bratislava living in Italy, who he met golfing in our holiday flat in Madeira and they met up on 'neutral' territory at the Art Hotel in Amsterdam paid for with joint marital funds. The longer it went on the more surreal it got.
Really?
He would not leave, it was too cushy. I didn't have kids and stopped feeding him cake. Still the sod wouldn't go. Even with everything I did, he would not go. I moved out of the house I had owned for 30 years just to get peace. In the end I just truth darted so it resulted in a grand finale. I did not know what to do. You can't physically evict them and you have to D. It's the only way.
So so frustrating and I so empathise. And whilst the tussle goes on its hard (almost impossible to detatch). The best you can hope for is anger and disgust. Husband is in the OW has a special place between her legs dream of ever after knickers off. I get the hatred too, but that will ease if you convert to disgust as your prime emotion.
Delusional rubbish from which he stands no chance of awakening at all until reality bites.
See an L and keep your cards close to your chest. It's the only way to get him out, he will have to pay for his choices, make him. Kick his entitled butt head out of his arse. Don't do as I did, dance around someone who is damaging you and your kids. If you want your M then I think tough stuff is in order.
OW is priceless isn't she? There can't be a work it through in an EA not until the wick is dipped. And the longer the EA goes on the less likely. It's lurve bombing by OW for jollies and luca. For sure. Make sure you get what you need before open crotch gets her cut. Her cut comes out of his portion. I left it far too long before I took real action.
So far it doesn't look like WH has done the nasty so it might be you can wake him up. I sense though you are in the land of fed up, let go, reality bites.
So my thoughts are to see an L, interview several chose one you can work with and then act on that advice. WH has scrambled eggs for brains with a side dish of special sausage.
Detach as much as you can and thus be able to listen to L advice.
I always have hope when I see no PA, very little when there is active infidelity. So I think it's your heart decision of what's best for you.
It's tough on you.
Hugs
V
By nasty I mean set OW up to come for a green card.
There was a poster here caLledrod Rosalinda and there are echoes of similarity. In this case a Russian who gave her ex an STD and then proceeded to try to cure it with fermented oatmeal.
RosaLinda, RT (Russian Tramp) and fermented oatmeal V
OW is priceless isn't she? There can't be a work it through in an EA not until the wick is dipped. And the longer the EA goes on the less likely. It's lurve bombing by OW for jollies and luca. For sure. Make sure you get what you need before open crotch gets her cut. Her cut comes out of his portion. I left it far too long before I took real action.
OW is priceless isn't she? There can't be a work it through in an EA not until the wick is dipped. And the longer the EA goes on the less likely. It's lurve bombing by OW for jollies and luca. For sure. Make sure you get what you need before open crotch gets her cut. Her cut comes out of his portion. I left it far too long before I took real action.
Vanilla, I dig your writing style. I'm in a similar boat (long distance online ea that he wants to make physical). Would you be able to elaborate on this? Thank you!
Thank you for the compliment, I have no truck with OP at all (says she with heavy sarcasm whilst writing). I might run them over with my big wheels of exposure.
This is about romance scamming, there are two types the online boiler room kind from Nigeria or Russia or where ever....
They approach older men or a yoke vulnerable on line in western cultures and offer the promise of romance saying things like
"You are my sugar bear bo bo"
"I need to be with you big time, you sex lurve snugums"
They work out what to say to suit the victim and it's about money and western telegrams. Cash, luca lots of it.
Then there are the poor whittle scampies in foreign offices and hotels who meet the (mainly guys) peeps and latch onto someone else's good husband thing. These types don't put out initially but do use the same tactics for 'real online scammers' and they want a better life with someone else's snookums honey bunch.
Tactics are the same, it continues until the scammers gets what they want, usually everything the other has got. This is a love bombing scam. There is loads of it out there. Sometimes the little minxy poo with her lush nether sucking venomous tongue will hang on untill they have a home and can inherit stuff. That's called hypergamy, it's a real thing. If you are in Russia there are courses telling you how to do this to get a better life for yourself.
Trouble is snookums honey bunny falls for it, after alll the seducer is cute and has her knickers off (or even worse pretends to have them off). Why do men fall for this glitter ball sparkled turd? This question is asked often on line, why did I fall for it? It is digging into fantasies.
It's not real, but it is for sugar daddy at least in his entitled little noggin. And he won't believe you he is being scammed because not his little cutie bear, she is extra special when she promises to 'take him to the pinnacle of heavenly delights' as she 'caresses and loves his impressive manhood'.
I kid you not these are real words from texts, just google it. And these are tame.... as a crocodile would bite it's prey that impressive manhood is getting bitten. Even catching VD from special snookums delightful love delight won't stop it, after all there is fermented oatmeal.
That's why it's best when big daddy is involved with snookums con girl to get your share of assets and run. Before its all gone to 'pet that cute whittle belly'.
This won't break the spell until reality bites and dear olde snookums hears that schmoopie love alot has moved on to the next target. Darling.....
And it's high risk for the LBS to hang around, especially if snookums big daddy with the impressive manhood is hooked on this hokum.
V
If you ever saw an officer and a gentleman with Richard Gene, there was a delightful leach in it who wanted to marry an officer. Excellent portrait and the recruits were warned at outset.
A pilot. He killed himself after discovering she wasn't interested when he didn't get his license. She wanted an officer, excellent acting.
This stuff is seriously scummy.
V
Can I sue facebook? Because of facebook, a lot of families have been destroyed and having an affair is as easy as calling on your cellphone.
This is America. Anyone can sue anyone for an any reason. Whether the courts will hear it is another issue. I'd love to see someone sue Facebook and other social media for this kind of thing. My wife had an online EA in 2005 through Classmates.com.
The problem is no matter what, if someone wants to look outside of the MR for something they feel they are missing, they will do that. Would you sue a bar/club because your cheating H met the OW there? Most here would say you are focusing on the wrong thing. The problem is your H's mindset, not the OW or the method he met her.
Thank you for the compliment, I have no truck with OP at all (says she with heavy sarcasm whilst writing). I might run them over with my big wheels of exposure.
This is about romance scamming, there are two types the online boiler room kind from Nigeria or Russia or where ever....
They approach older men or a yoke vulnerable on line in western cultures and offer the promise of romance saying things like
"You are my sugar bear bo bo"
"I need to be with you big time, you sex lurve snugums"
They work out what to say to suit the victim and it's about money and western telegrams. Cash, luca lots of it.
Then there are the poor whittle scampies in foreign offices and hotels who meet the (mainly guys) peeps and latch onto someone else's good husband thing. These types don't put out initially but do use the same tactics for 'real online scammers' and they want a better life with someone else's snookums honey bunch.
Tactics are the same, it continues until the scammers gets what they want, usually everything the other has got. This is a love bombing scam. There is loads of it out there. Sometimes the little minxy poo with her lush nether sucking venomous tongue will hang on untill they have a home and can inherit stuff. That's called hypergamy, it's a real thing. If you are in Russia there are courses telling you how to do this to get a better life for yourself.
Trouble is snookums honey bunny falls for it, after alll the seducer is cute and has her knickers off (or even worse pretends to have them off). Why do men fall for this glitter ball sparkled turd? This question is asked often on line, why did I fall for it? It is digging into fantasies.
It's not real, but it is for sugar daddy at least in his entitled little noggin. And he won't believe you he is being scammed because not his little cutie bear, she is extra special when she promises to 'take him to the pinnacle of heavenly delights' as she 'caresses and loves his impressive manhood'.
I kid you not these are real words from texts, just google it. And these are tame.... as a crocodile would bite it's prey that impressive manhood is getting bitten. Even catching VD from special snookums delightful love delight won't stop it, after all there is fermented oatmeal.
That's why it's best when big daddy is involved with snookums con girl to get your share of assets and run. Before its all gone to 'pet that cute whittle belly'.
This won't break the spell until reality bites and dear olde snookums hears that schmoopie love alot has moved on to the next target. Darling.....
And it's high risk for the LBS to hang around, especially if snookums big daddy with the impressive manhood is hooked on this hokum.
V
Again, what V describes isn't just foreign women doing this across the internet. There are women in bars every night looking for a sucker to become their sugar daddy. Sometimes it isn't just for his money. If you've ever seen the movie Harlem Nights, you saw this play out so that a gang had access to the cash a drop man was handling.
Men fall for it because deep down they want it to be genuine. Just like we go into denial when our WAWs/WWs start sleeping with someone else. "She'd never do that!" etc.
I am unsure Steve giving space to scammers and con men I think social media is partly giving a platform.
Anyone know the jerk on Ashley? She is a nice girl.
Besides both of our lovely LBS are referring to foreign scuzzies not home grow ones.
V
Hi Olivia,
Brace yourself.
The pain of EA being a full blown affair is too visceral.
Is this the first infidelity your husband ever had?
Looking back, of all the things I ever went through, if I could do over, these are the things I would do:
1. Have your husband sign a paper saying your demands if he make physical contact with the other woman. Meaning to say, if you end up in Divorce, you will get everything he have. Make him sign and notarized the paper. Make sure you have a divorce lawyer read the draft so this would hold up in court.
2. Make it very clear that if he leaves, there is nobody to come back to. (this would save you from a lot of lies and abuse)
3. Make a new life for yourself. Make new friends, develop a support system, you will need them. Hug yourself and your children often. Pray and tell yourself "this too shall pass"
I hope and pray that you don't go through where I've been.
Hi Olivia,
Brace yourself.
The pain of EA being a full blown affair is too visceral.
Is this the first infidelity your husband ever had?
Looking back, of all the things I ever went through, if I could do over, these are the things I would do:
1. Have your husband sign a paper saying your demands if he make physical contact with the other woman. Meaning to say, if you end up in Divorce, you will get everything he have. Make him sign and notarized the paper. Make sure you have a divorce lawyer read the draft so this would hold up in court.
2. Make it very clear that if he leaves, there is nobody to come back to. (this would save you from a lot of lies and abuse)
3. Make a new life for yourself. Make new friends, develop a support system, you will need them. Hug yourself and your children often. Pray and tell yourself "this too shall pass"
I hope and pray that you don't go through where I've been.
Amen
V
Hi Steve,
I think aside from "reverse psychology" one has to learn to love ones self more. A good friend once told me, pretend it is not you and you are giving advice to yourself. It was easy, but when you are still hurting, it is hard to follow what your rational brain is telling you to do.
It was only when I was finally able to get a hold of myself that I found leverage.
My husband would use to tell me "you would never see me again when the morning comes"
Finally, when I was asking him to leave, words easily came out of my mouth, "I don't need you"
"Do you think I will not survive without you? That I won't live without any men in my life?"
Perhaps with a matching determination on my face, my husband knew I was not bluffing and after that he was "with the program"
He has changed a lot, every time he does something that hurts me, I would let him know. I would tell him "You cannot abuse me anymore, I will not give you a chance to hurt me anymore"
I got the fire back in my eyes.
No, I do not wish to control him. I simply put a stop to the emotional abuse.
I do not know where our marriage will be months from now.
All I know, I am happy because I treat every interaction I have with him as my last.
No regrets, no worries about tomorrow, just enjoying what I have at the moment.
Vanilla,
I have spoken to L's, and because I am in a no fault state, H does not get penalized for having an affair.
For those that are thinking of D, cost can go up to $20,000 and D is still not done.
I am the bread winner, so financially, I will loose a LOT, big time if Judges get their way.
H agreed that if we end up in D, he will not take anything, he does recognize that I alone worked hard on what we have today.
For that I appreciate him and can see a glimmer of what used to be my honorable husband.
But why would I give this OW/prostitute a free pass on a green card?
He is keeping in line, trying not to upset me in any way.
I have told him that our 18th anniversary is coming soon.
Including my birthday.
I told him that if he is only going to hurt me with disregard to those occasions, I would rather that he leave.
He did not leave.
What used to be more than 8 hours of him talking on FB with this OW on a daily basis becomes almost maybe none.
This is why I hated FB so much!
I used to feel like I was the OW, begging for his time & attention.
Now the situation has changed to my advantaged.
It is true, the experience will make you strong.
I know what I went true is painful but every time I reached out to those painful feelings, I cannot grasp them anymore.
I know there is hope, there is a bright future.
How I wish I have a magic ball to see what's beyond.
I missed my old self, but I liked my new me.
More mature, more understanding, and yes, I'm still a fighter and I will always be.
If he really has remorse at this stage, get him to sign a post nup.
Before he changes his mind.
This is likely trauma bonding.
V
What about a post-nup for a wife? Says if she strays she gets nothing?
What about a post-nup for a wife? Says if she strays she gets nothing?
You probably won't get away with nil. But you can limit it.
And children support stays out.
V
L says post nup gets too much interrogation in court. Judges thinks they were done under coercion.
Agreement would do and might hold up in court. Don't waste time on post nup, expense is almost the same with D.
Ever wonder why I keep civil with my H?
Since I am the party that has the most to loose financially, I have to make sure that I am diplomatic and that we are at peace, otherwise bickering would only result in L's getting paid too much.
Make D simple, agree on terms first before filing.
You will save a lot of $, time and headaches.
If ever you get married again, then you can do the pre-nup, stating the financial penalty if one party have any form of infidelity.
It depends on your jurisdiction. And a post nup isn't expensive.
V
Last Saturday was a surprise, the other woman's Facebook account is gone. Not sure if she deactivated it or she just made it private.
Not a total victory, but for now, at least she is not making her and my husbands picture together so public.
Still no word from my husband of what happened to the FB account. It does not matter to me.
Not unless my husband tells me that their relationship is over and that he ceased communicating with her, this journey continues and I will always be vigilant.
Just read your stitch and it reminds me of my best friend. His wife left him after her first love reached out to him on FB and she had tried to keep it a secret until he found out. He thought till death do us part she choose differently.
Good Luck with your situation.
Last Saturday was a surprise, the other woman's Facebook account is gone. Not sure if she deactivated it or she just made it private.
Not a total victory, but for now, at least she is not making her and my husbands picture together so public.
Still no word from my husband of what happened to the FB account. It does not matter to me.
Not unless my husband tells me that their relationship is over and that he ceased communicating with her, this journey continues and I will always be vigilant.
Could be removed, could be covert, she might have changed her name.
Likely (as with the BIT and the G it's to cover it up.
Be aware that they can tell if you are exploring the pages. The BIT and her D haunt my pages when the G is in the UK. Plus if anything is going on. I haven't blocked or unfriended.
I have reached the state of Meh and Neh. It's a great place of WTFOREVER. Recommended.
V
Here is a link to Andrew G. Marshall. Post in his community really helped me a lot and made me feel that I am not alone.
http://andrewgmarshall.com/help-advice/I am hoping that it would help this community too.
I spoke to my mother yesterday.
She told me about a politician who was killed.
The story is, he was killed because of a woman.
He was a married man, he has an affair with another woman OW#2.
But then he impregnated his secretary OW#3.
At first, I was thinking, maybe it was the wife or the secretary that killed him.
Guess what?
The brother of OW #2 visited this politician, went behind him and shoot him on the head. Brain splattered on the table.
I told my Mom, "Oh, then it was the #2 who is gutsy"
It dawn on me that when you are the real husband or wife, you can always tell yourself that you hold the family name, properties and whatever privileges there is.
As the other woman/man, you always hide, nothing to show for it, everything is done in the dark.
Perhaps, OW#2 is so distraught on learning that OW#3 is pregnant and that the brother took it in his hands to deal with this womanizing "brother-in-law"
My sister-in-law told me that if you search in youtube, you will see a lot of wives shaming other woman in public like undressing OW in malls.
Karma...