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Posted By: HSK Dancing in the Dark - 03/20/18 05:04 AM
Sue Johnson would call it a dance. My circumstances are likely so similar to all of yours. One pursues, the other runs. In my case he lashes out with blame and vitriolic rage. Why do I stay? I think it is because I need him to value me so I can feel whole. I yearn for what he withholds. And when he feeds my need, in tiny inconsistent bursts of true affection and love, it leaves me still hungry and craving more.

Some psychologists talk about the original wound, somewhere in our childhood. They talk about attachment bonds, and how we all need a stable loving environment, that we all crave it. That we need it to heal, to fulfill our evolutionary yearning, to give us a sense of comfort, understanding, wholeness. It is not hard to feel the truth in that theory. If it wasnít true none of us would be hurting right now.

It is hard, however, to fulfill that destiny, to satiate the yearning when our original wounds make us unloveable. The more we try, the more we fail. The thought of giving up fills us with fear. Life without love or connection fills us with yearning. It is futile. We try to change but evolution has a lot of momentum and overcoming it with the sheer force of will is exhausting.

So, give up? Is that what we do? Become as disciplined as a ninja? Doesnít seem like the right answer. Forcing yourself to rail against something that should be joyful and fulfilling.

I am sure that my partner would have a similar story about how I smother him and how he wants to be in a relationship, but only if it is entirely under his control, so he can leave at any time without consequence. He wants connection without vulnerability or risk. He wants loyalty and love, but contact only when it suits him. To justify this he blames. I am too everything. Too needy, too emotional, too logical, to rational, too whatever I am being. His list of my excesses contradict themselves and I am dancing to try to keep it all straight. Do this, not that. Then do that not this. My head spins.

Then he is happy for a little while and I let my guard down, ask for things he is not ready to give me. And the rage surfaces, he lashes out and months of quietly building trust goes out the window. I am so drained that I cannot imagine myself being worthy of any kind of love from anyone so I reengage. Convince him to stay and so on we go, dancing in the darkness. Aware, but unable to stop, each wanting the other to change.

So how do I stop dancing and turn on the lights?
Posted By: Cadet Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/20/18 05:12 AM
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Posted By: HSK Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/20/18 08:50 AM
Thank you -lots to look at. I will start to pull away. But it feels like I am not being authentic because it is not what I want. Is my thinking flawed? How is it flawed?
Posted By: Cadet Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/20/18 08:56 AM
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Posted By: Cadet Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/20/18 08:59 AM
Originally Posted By: HSK
Thank you -lots to look at.
I will start to pull away.
But it feels like I am not being authentic because it is not what I want.
Is my thinking flawed?
How is it flawed?

Of course none of us wanted this.

DB'ing is counter intuitive.
It does not make sense to newcomers, I understand that.

Study up on DETACHMENT.

I think that is where you need to start.
Posted By: HSK Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/20/18 10:16 AM
Ok everyone tells me to step away and he will follow. To detach and he will miss me. To get on with a life without him and he will wonder what he is missing. Is that true? He told me that the only women he ever really wanted were the ones who didnít want him. That just seems unhealthy. Does it change? Does it become mutual in time? I donít want a life of cat and mouse. I want a healthy, mutual relationship. I want something stable and committed. Is that where this leads?

I do realize that we both need to change and I am willing to do the hard work. I guess it is the only choice I really have. I might just as well hold my nose and get on with it.
Posted By: Coconut Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/20/18 12:19 PM
Originally Posted By: HSK
In my case he lashes out with blame and vitriolic rage.


Can you expand on what this means? Some things aren't worth saving.

When I was 19, I fell for a good friend, but she was infatuated with a guy. She liked me, but she was infatuated with another. We were good friends, so good she would call me to help her after he would kick her out of the car and beat her, asking me to pick her up from a strange area and take her home. She couldn't explain why she would go back to him instead of to me.. But now she's dead and he's in jail for murder.
Posted By: HSK Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/20/18 01:54 PM
Well he doesnít beat me. He has a hair trigger. If I ask him for support, which happens I would say on average once every six to eight weeks (I keep a journal). Most of the time they are little things like I had a really tough day and I am rattled (happened once in the last 4 months) or a big thing like my dog was dying and I was shaken and wanted some comfort.

If I am vulnerable he lashes out. It enrages him. He screams at me I canít be there for you. He will start to belittle the relationship - you are never satisfied, I am giving all of the time, the more I give the more you need. Then it turns to me - you are pathetic, you could never make it without me. On it goes, anger, contempt vitriol. I will try to reason with him. I might say: ďthatís not true, you have been there for me many times, I just need a little affection right now. I know you care about me, I am sorry but I am hurting and I just need some comfort.

Reasoning enrages him further. Then he will tell me he canít be with me, that he never wants to speak to me again. That it is over. He will scream until he loses his voice.

I remain calm, but bargaining and reasoning for a long time, finally I break down. I cry. I plead and beg. I try to convince him that he is triggered, that his reaction is out of proportion. That this is not just about me. That it is also something from his past and that we are fine. I tell him whatever I need to to get him to stop and cool down.

Sometimes if he really completely loses it he becomes calm, and loving. He curls up in my arms and falls asleep. Mostly he just stays angry, seething under the surface, for days and sometimes a week or more.

Whatever I support I needed is long gone. I am left shaken and worthless.
Posted By: HSK Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/21/18 12:27 AM
Is there information somewhere on detach? Or is it in the book?
Posted By: Cadet Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/21/18 12:59 AM
Originally Posted By: HSK
Is there information somewhere on detach? Or is it in the book?

Did you read the threads in the homework about this?
Posted By: HSK Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/21/18 01:03 AM
Ok perfect - I will look there. Thank you!
Posted By: MoveFrwd Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/21/18 03:25 AM
Originally Posted By: HSK
Ok everyone tells me to step away and he will follow. To detach and he will miss me. To get on with a life without him and he will wonder what he is missing.

Heres the thing....he might and he might not. But, either way, you will come out ahead. You can only control yourself, and if you choose to become the best HSK that you can, then it's his loss if he doesnt choose to follow. But chasing after him wont ever get him to turn around.

Originally Posted By: HSK
Is that true? He told me that the only women he ever really wanted were the ones who didnít want him. That just seems unhealthy. Does it change? Does it become mutual in time? I donít want a life of cat and mouse. I want a healthy, mutual relationship. I want something stable and committed. Is that where this leads?

Isnt that kind of true for everyone? That we value the things we dont have more than what we do? Not necessarily just regarding relationships, but in general. Striving for the nicest house, the best car, that new technology toy, whatever it is. How about so many of the people here that now cant live without their spouse even though they may have treated that same spouse poorly when they had the chance to have that relationship.

Originally Posted By: HSK
I do realize that we both need to change and I am willing to do the hard work. I guess it is the only choice I really have. I might just as well hold my nose and get on with it.

Couldnt agree more!
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/21/18 07:26 AM
Originally Posted By: HSK
Well he doesnít beat me.


I've never understood why people who have been subjected to horrible mental abuse use that line to defend their abuser. Just because he hasn't laid a hand on you does not mean he doesn't "beat" you.

Quote:
If I am vulnerable he lashes out. It enrages him. He screams at me I canít be there for you. He will start to belittle the relationship - you are never satisfied, I am giving all of the time, the more I give the more you need. Then it turns to me - you are pathetic, you could never make it without me. On it goes, anger, contempt vitriol. I will try to reason with him. I might say: ďthatís not true, you have been there for me many times, I just need a little affection right now. I know you care about me, I am sorry but I am hurting and I just need some comfort.

Reasoning enrages him further. Then he will tell me he canít be with me, that he never wants to speak to me again. That it is over. He will scream until he loses his voice.


That is some ugly, nasty abuse. Maybe you're too close to the situation to realize it, but that is wrong and you do not deserve that kind of treatment.

Quote:
Sometimes if he really completely loses it he becomes calm, and loving. He curls up in my arms and falls asleep. Mostly he just stays angry, seething under the surface, for days and sometimes a week or more.


He has some serious issues and needs help. Unfortunately you can't tell him that because he'll just explode all over again. You really need out of that situation. Are you seeing a counselor?
Posted By: HSK Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/21/18 11:20 AM
Thanks - some wise word here. Not what the romantic in me want to hear but . . . It is what the romantic in me needs to hear!

Is is naive to believe that you can have a mutual relationship? One where you are both committed? I hear you and fear you are right, and hope there really is a healthy alternative.
Posted By: HSK Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/21/18 11:26 AM
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Originally Posted By: HSK
Well he doesnít beat me.


I've never understood why people who have been subjected to horrible mental abuse use that line to defend their abuser. Just because he hasn't laid a hand on you does not mean he doesn't "beat" you.

I can help here. I was physically abused. The physical part of it makes it impossible to ignore as abuse. The emotional part of it you can blame on yourself or your perception- it is easier to minimize and question. Even now, hearing your support, I still am not sure it isnít all my fault.

That is some ugly, nasty abuse. Maybe you're too close to the situation to realize it, but that is wrong and you do not deserve that kind of treatment

Thank you for that ! It helps.

He has some serious issues and needs help. Unfortunately you can't tell him that because he'll just explode all over again. You really need out of that situation. Are you seeing a counselor?


I am - just started. I hope it helps!
Posted By: HSK Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/22/18 02:44 AM
I donít know why it is just so hard. I feel like if I walk away that it is my weakness and shortcoming that caused this dynamic. I can only stay if he lets me stay. It feels like no matter what I do I am broken and wrong. I know my thinking Iíd flawed. I am not sure how.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/22/18 03:42 AM
Originally Posted By: HSK
I donít know why it is just so hard. I feel like if I walk away that it is my weakness and shortcoming that caused this dynamic. I can only stay if he lets me stay. It feels like no matter what I do I am broken and wrong. I know my thinking Iíd flawed. I am not sure how.


Granted all I know about your sitch is what I'm reading here, but just based on this broad brushstroke it sounds like you are the victim of abuse. It is common for those subjected to abuse to feel like they are the one doing something wrong, that THEY are the guilty party, that they DESERVE the treatment they've gotten. Usually they feel that way because the abuser is a master of controlling and manipulating and has used that to lay all guilt on the abused party. That's why I was asking if you are seeing a counselor, they can help you dissect this better than we can here.
Posted By: HSK Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/22/18 04:59 AM
I am just so alone. I feel like I am going to disappear.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/22/18 05:35 AM
Originally Posted By: HSK
I am just so alone. I feel like I am going to disappear.


Go to your doctor right away and get evaluated for depression. I'm not qualified to diagnose depression but that sounds EXACTLY like how I felt when I went through it and years ago when my XW went through it she said the same thing. Depression is debilitating and even life-threatening, and it won't go away on its own. If you're in depression then it's important you get medical help ASAP.
Posted By: BluWave Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/22/18 09:29 AM
HSK,

Please listen to AnotherStander and seek some support. It is very important that you find people you trust right now, but also that you get some professional help. YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

I put that in all caps, not because I am yelling it at you, but because I want to emphasize it's importance. One of the most complicated things about being the victim of abuse, is that you lack the ability to see it for what it is. It is codependent, mentally exhausting, and isolating, and it is also hard for others to understand or even know how to help you.

I can see this very clearly because I was in your position for about 6 years (on/off) with a boyfriend when I was younger. He never beat me, hit me or even put a hand on me. But he was very emotionally abusive and manipulative, I could not see it for what it was until years after, and I felt that I needed him to be okay. I could have written many of your words verbatim.

My perspective is some ways might be different than others in that I try not to talk about the other person as an "abuser," "manipulator," or to describe them in terms that seem judgemental and offensive. I could easily describe my old BF as a monster, but the reality is that I loved him for many years. I felt alone because people did not understand why or how I could love him. We even had a child together. This was many years ago, and my D is almost 20, and he has recently died. I later learned (I did leave him when she as a baby) that he was quite mentally ill. Whatever the reason was for his emotional abuse, it still did not make it acceptable.

I am not going to tell you not to care for him and even love him. I am going to tell you that he is not safe for you. While your physical safety may not be compromised, your mental health is. And you have already been harmed. The affects of this, and PTSD, can last for some time, but they can be healed. The healing starts when you leave the relationship. You leave this relationship not because you don't love him, we hear that you do, but because you understand this is not a healthy love.

I can read in your writing that this is not healthy love. You cannot change him or fix this. People can only look at themselves and change themselves. In healthy love we are not alone, we are not yelled at, we are not afraid, we do not feel that we need to be or act a certain way, we are not afraid our partner will withhold love, affection, or punish us in any way. In healthy love we do not feel controlled or feel a need to control them. In healthy love we are free to be ourselves and we love the other person for who they are. It is never perfect, but it is safe. There isn't fear, but there is freedom.

I am in no way an expert on abusive relationships, how to get out of them, and the healing that needs to happen afterwards. I am however a person that has been in one and successfully gotten out of one and healed from one. I left this BF 18 years ago and now I think it's unfortunate I wasted so much of my life on him. I wish I had valued myself more than that. I very much hope you can do the same. Please start off by finding people you trust and can be honest with and please find a therapist or counselor to help guide you. There are also many great books on ending codependence.

Keep posting. We are not here to judge, but we are here to help you! We all have our own battle scars.

Blu
Posted By: HSK Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/22/18 11:18 AM
I am afraid. I donít to be alone all the time. I think it is my fault that I am a disaster and if I canít fix it then somehow it is because of me.
Posted By: HSK Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/22/18 11:34 AM
I donít understand how all of this happens. I really do feel like it is my fault for asking for things I need, or being sad or upset sometimes. I just think if I could be different, approach things differently somehow things would work out. I just feel like I need to change.
Posted By: BluWave Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/22/18 02:52 PM
(((HSK)))

I'm so sorry. I read your pain and your fears clearly. I want to leave you with a few more thoughts on your response. The first is that it really doesn't matter who is at fault. Even if you have been emotionally unstable, needing too much from him, or believe this is your fault, then that is all the more reason to take a giant step back from this relationship and heal yourself. You cannot do this while you are with him or attached so strongly to him. It's difficult and scary to get out of a relationship like this, but it's the only healthy option.

It's perfectly normal to be afraid to be alone. I think to some extent we all desire companionship. However if those fears prevent you from leaving an abusive person, then that is a big problem. You must first leave a toxic relationship in order to look inside yourself and begin healing before you are in any relationship, whether that is with him or another person. This takes time, and it does mean being alone for awhile. It is natural to feel anxious about the unknown, however what you do know right now is not safe for you.

No matter what mistakes you have made with him, and even if you have "needed too much" or approached him in ways that cause him stress, there is still never a justification for yelling at someone or being emotionally abuisve. Ever. And you cannot fix or change THAT or his actions.

You can only control yourself and your actions. With him or anyone else. When you are stuck in an unhealthy codependent relationship, you lose sight of that. That is where you are right now. Does any of that make sense to you? I know it's hard to see it as an outsider.

A skilled therapist can help you see this more clearly. Please start by finding one and reading books on breaking codependency. Remaining in this relationship, or continuing to long for him, is incredibly damaging to you and your sense of self. It took me years to break this cycle and I wish for my younger self I could have gotten out sooner.

I was where you are many years ago. I see this clearly. You have taken the first step by being open and honest about the issue. Now it's time to help yourself. You deserve to be loved and valued. You can only ask that from others after you give this to yourself first. It's time to take care of you and learn to love only you right now. Over time, you will attract poeple that will also know your worth. Please know you can do this.

Blu
Posted By: HSK Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/22/18 02:56 PM
Did you succeed? Were you able to heal and find a healthy relationship? I guess I am looking for hope.
Posted By: BluWave Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/22/18 03:13 PM
Yes! This was over 18 years ago and I am now married with 3 kids. My H and my M are not perfect, not at all. Of course it's not or I wouldn't be here, right :-)

My codependent relationship was my first long term BF that I met in HS. I tried to leave him so many times, but I kept taking him back. I knew in my gut something was wrong, but it was so hard to leave. I felt like I needed him to be okay. I was afraid to be alone. When I did leave, I didn't do the work of healing myself, so I didn't gain the confidence I needed so I would take him back again. I did this exhausting back and forth dance for 6 years.

It damages your spirt and shatters your confidence. I finally left him after we had a baby. She was still very little, only one year old. And I never looked back. Something clicked after having this beautiful little girl that I had to get out. Because it wasn't about just me anymore, but it was about HER. She deserved more from me. I knew I needed to show her through my actions what a healthy relationship looked like.

So I left and I never looked back. It was difficult to leave and especially because we still had to see each other and exchange time with her. He was very angry and his behavior escalated. This also helped me to see that my relationship with him had been more an addiction to the drama and codependency than about real love.

I believe real love is not only a feeling or a need for another person. Love is an action and a choice. It is choosing to love someone for who they are and knowing that they love you for who you are. It is the freedom to be yourself and know that you will both make mistakes but the love will not be withheld. It is safe and there is no fear of hurting each other's asking too much.

I have that now. I can be myself with my H. I think when we have the freedom to be ourselves and when we create healthy and loving relationships around us, we realize we don't need anyone else to be okay. We are okay just the way we are.

Blu
Posted By: HSK Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/22/18 04:02 PM
That sounds like a dream. A lovely, peaceful dream. I want that so badly. I just want to share my life with someone. I am so lonely and sad. I am unfulfilled. It is not like a need, it is like a yearning for connection, understanding. I just want to be seen by someone. I want a place where I belong, a family.
Posted By: BluWave Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/23/18 04:34 AM
To be honest, it is not a dream. Any long term relationship can be rocky and bumpy at times. My H is really a wonderful man and father. For the first 11-13 years of our R, we got along very well. He was so loving, attentive, supportive, and we shared this great sense of humor and created this beautiful family. I have always felt I can be my true self with him and he accepts me, even the bad parts. Even then, we had our hardships, the M fell apart, and we came close to D.

I think in any R, there are two people that are both different and imperfect. Things can change or go wrong, even in the best relationship or ideal circumstances. The only love and connection that is stable throughout a life time, is the one you create with yourself. My BD and separation with my H was traumatic, but it also forced me to change the way I look at my life and my relationship with myself. I think the silver lining for all of us here, is that we learn to take care of ourselves and do the hard work, and we come out knowing that we are okay the way we are and without our spouse.

If you yearn for connection, belonging, love and understanding (which we all do), then please believe that starts with you. It begins inside of you. Think about it from this angle; how can we expect others to love and value us if we do not love and value ourselves? ... The reason we are attracted to confident people is because we see that they value themselves.

What are some steps you can take to begin to see this? What have you done to begin to nurture your soul? For some it is various forms of art. Therapy, books, meditation, travel, etc. Personally I love hiking and long walks/runs outdoors, especially beautiful places and beaches. The opportunities are endless.

Your posts do read as if you have depression and that you seem stuck. Have you given thought to that and what you can do to help yourself? As an outsider looking in, it's worrisome.

Blu
Posted By: HSK Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/23/18 05:34 AM
I am not normally a depressed person and I am seeing a counsellor. Some how I am not making progress.

I always had hope and a belief that things would work out and that I would be in a happy and stable relationship. I have had relationships fail before but I always believed there would be another chance. For the first time I am questioning that belief. Hope is dying and I cannot imagine the bleak nature of a life without love.

I really believed that this person was mature and stable. He seemed terrific and I did my homework. After we moved in together the breakups started. Any time something happened where we disagreed he would end the relationship but never act on it.

Then the list of his needs (lots of space, time, no contact, no questions, no pressure, sun-filled rooms, certain kinds of food etc). Then I would do what I could to find ways to solve the problem (I would stay quiet and do my own thing in the evenings, try to create an harmonious home environment etc.) then things I needed to fix about myself changing my personality flaws) and now we donít even speak every day and that is still too much.

I realize this is his pattern in relationships- he blames his partners for his restlessness and loneliness. It starts out so well but quickly his fears take over and he punishes the one who loves him for loving him.

Now he is treating me with contempt and somehow this makes me feel worthless and unlovable. I so desperately need his acceptance now so I can feel worthy that I would literally do almost anything including completely subjugating my needs to prove to him that I am worthy of the love he sometimes shows me. I want him to want me again.

I donít want to accept that he is unstable. I want to believe that if I change something about myself that the relationship will get better. I donít want to accept that I have made this mistake and wasted love and loyalty and years of hard work on someone who doesnít care for me. An even bigger part of me believes that I have driven him away. That I am so flawed that how could he possibly care about me and if doesnít why on earth would anyone.

I am being belittled and blamed and accused and misjudged. He looks for flaws in all of my actions and refuses to acknowledge anything positive or good. When he calms down after a huge blow up he sometimes sees that he had a role and he is loving for a little while, until I start to relax and ask for something he is not ready to give me, like reassurance or a commitment.
Posted By: HSK Re: Dancing in the Dark - 03/23/18 03:10 PM
Well All of this posting and wonderful support is helping, and the readings too, my attitude shifted a tiny bit today and something happened.

My H asked me to have dinner. Normally I would have jumped at it but today I said ďI could have dinner with you but only if you agree to be civil and not try to bully me into signing over my matrimonial property.Ē He said well we donít have to talk about that. I said ok but I will meet you at the restaurant and if I start to feel uncomfortable I am going to leave. Those are very tough words coming from me.

It was ok. He told me that he had done everything right in our relationship and the only thing he could have done differently to make things better would have been to leave me without support.

I would normally have been deeply hurt and threatened by this remark but today I wasnít. I started to see him with a different perspective. I have been shouldering all of the blame and responsibility. Normally I would have started apologizing and trying to convince him to see some good in me. Today I didnít. I smiled and said, you know it is really a rare person who can say with so much sincerity and conviction that they have played no role in a conflict. That takes a lot of confidence.

I left the restaurant first, politely, but no clinging for crumbs. I am home now, feeling a little stronger and very grateful for those of you who took the time to see me and to support me and to help me. .

I have a long road ahead of me and I know this is just a tiny first step, but it is a step. I feel a bit more human.

Thank you all so much!
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