Hi guys new here to share my story and hopefully get some good advice from the ones who have been in my shoes. My wife and I have been together for 11 years, married for 7. Daughter age 3. We had our first split back in May 2011, she was not happy that we were falling into a routine, we wouldn't go out and i lacked the ability for giving her detailed stuff such as flowers and cards. She has always been one to celebrate special occasions and plan an outing or even something nice at home. This split went on for 6 months and we eventually reconciled. We began counseling but it was more of a multiple couples counseling and we stopped attending, did not look elsewhere either. Got pregnant almost immediately after this reconnect.
Fast forward to October 2016, wife drops the I love you but not in love with you. She was disappointed that I would not spend time at home and work too much, my reasoning was to make up for income that she was not earning anymore as she was a stay at home mother. I begged and pleaded her not to end things, was giving her some space and at the same time changed my ways. I started being more active in the baby's life, we would go out more as a family and i would not prioritize work. Things began to get good again, so it seemed. We went on an anniversary trip in Feb 2017 and a family vacation for our daughters birthday in September. All things seemed to be better, we didn't have as much intimacy as i would like but i put it off as it being due to both of us working and having a child would not always allow for it. She dropped this last bomb on me on FEb 28,2018. Said she loves me but not in love with me, she tried to make it work for a long time but she has not been happy since October 2016.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
She’s moving out on the 15th. I have already gave her half of the savings as she needed the money to move out. I always managed finances. We have discussed our responsibilities with our child. She has told me she does not care to divorce. Already ordered DR and hoping to make this marriage work. Any help is greatly appreciated
It really took her a long time drop the bad news to you. I mean, she has been mulling about it since 2016. The best approach maybe is to court your wife again. Make her feel like she's going out on dates and make her feel special.
TacoEd, any chance of an EA or PA? In my experience most people do not move on until they have someone in the wings. For me and what I've read, moving out is the number one sign of their being someone else.
The other red flag to me is the "does not care to divorce". Seems like she is keeping you as Plan B.
Good luck my friend, post often. It helps.
It really took her a long time drop the bad news to you. I mean, she has been mulling about it since 2016. The best approach maybe is to court your wife again. Make her feel like she's going out on dates and make her feel special.
Where did this advice come from?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
TacoEd, i am going to parrot what Steve85 said... i wonder if there is OM in the wings... and i would say perhaps since Oct. 2016...
things were running more smoothly but little intimacy... and then BD last month... and then her not caring to divorce... that leaves you in a life of limbo... that's really not fair to you... but she is probably thinking because you want the marriage, that you would be content with that...
Fast forward to October 2016, wife drops the I love you but not in love with you. She was disappointed that I would not spend time at home and work too much, my reasoning was to make up for income that she was not earning anymore as she was a stay at home mother. I begged and pleaded her not to end things, was giving her some space and at the same time changed my ways. I started being more active in the baby's life, we would go out more as a family and i would not prioritize work. Things began to get good again, so it seemed. We went on an anniversary trip in Feb 2017 and a family vacation for our daughters birthday in September. All things seemed to be better, we didn't have as much intimacy as i would like but i put it off as it being due to both of us working and having a child would not always allow for it. She dropped this last bomb on me on FEb 28,2018. Said she loves me but not in love with me, she tried to make it work for a long time but she has not been happy since October 2016.
Hello and welcome to the forums! Just to echo what Steve and Artista said, chances of an affair are quite high. It's pretty common for a WAS to make their spouse Plan B (IE, doesn't want to get divorced, but doesn't want to live with you either) while they pursue the A and try to decide how serious they want to get with the affair partner. Have you read DR yet? If not get it and read it over and over again, it's your roadmap and our advice here dovetails with it.
Based on the above paragraph your W is a full-blown, two-feet-out-the-door WAS. DO NOT try to pursue her, it'll just make you look desperate and needy (VERY unattractive). Work on yourself. Settle in, this is a marathon. Good luck!
The idea of there being another has crossed my mind, but there is no way for me to validate this. I would like to know fully what is going on with her, but i am well aware that a WAS will not openly admit to an affair.
I don't plan on trying to court/date her as that's not something she is looking for nor do i think this is beneficial.
At first i tried and pleaded her to rethink this through, that we have a family and that we have so much history together. I have much fault at this, but i can fully take all the blame. From some point on she stopped trying herself.
I do feel like I'm in limbo land. If there was or is an affair there is no way i could go through with R. This is just something i could never forget, thus never forgive.
Another thing i may add, she was always one to celebrate Valentine's Day or our anniversary and this year NADA! On valentines she woke up to flowers from my part, she gave me a pair of boots, no surprise or wrapping or any card of some sort. Few days later on the 20th for our anniversary i had a bouquet delivered to her office. I got a last minute purchase of some chocolate covered strawberries. All these are nice to an extent from her, but they were not her norm. After the BD on one of our talks she told me she despised the flower delivery, she had so much anger that she had been trying for so long and that i up until recently started corresponding her the way she needed. Said she cried and cried when she received them.
What do you guys make of this??
She was trying for a long time.
Finally she drops the bomb and you started changing.
It’s too little, too late in her mind and extremely frustrating.
MWD has written and recorded videos on this. Very common.
Yes and I agree with her being fed up and not believing my ability to fully change despite the major improvements. I’m anxious to read DR and take the tips and apply them.
Thanks Gordie.
How can I go about discarding the possibility of OM?
Sorry for your sitch. Some of it seems similar to mine. You'll get a lot of good advice on here. Yes, you will also stumble, backslide. Just pick yourself up and keep going.
Good luck.
She was trying for a long time.
Finally she drops the bomb and you started changing.
It’s too little, too late in her mind and extremely frustrating.
MWD has written and recorded videos on this. Very common.
This is me right now, my H believe too little to late, but he is not moving forward with D either. He recently moved out, told me on Valentine's Day he would date other people to see if there was someone out there that can give him what he needs. That one still stings.
In your guys opinion what category do we fall into? Am I the LBH and is she the WW despite no affair? Should I apply the principles from sandi in the newcomer lbh thread?
I'd say more like a WAW. WW has specific behaviors like OEAs, EAs, PAs, partying, staying out all night, hanging out with a younger crowd, getting involved in substance abuse, etc.
Received DR today and got half-way through. Definitely feel a relief in my state of mind. Hopeful that patience will play a huge roll in this.
I need to implement the LRT technique, but we will have daily contact due to her picking up the baby after work. What should I do in this situation? A simple hi? Should I initiate some convo? What if she asks about my day?
Been a few days since I posted so I’ll update.
Wife moved out on the 15th. I was home when she was taking her stuff and I did not offer to help, her brother was here also.
After she was done we have a small convo and she began to cry then asked if I could give her a hug, which I did. *maybe not the best idea*
I’ve finish reading the DR and also began reading the 5 love languages. Been trying to keep busy with reading,work, my daughter and family. I’ve got back to the point we’re i can go to work and be ok and my appetite has been doing much better.
I started a small notebook to write notes of our interactions when she comes to get our daughter after work or I drop her off. This is for me to look back and see if there is any change happening(ie. does she start convo or does she compliment me etc.) so far no interaction other than she immediately starts asking. The baby about her day.
Thanks guys n gals
I need to implement the LRT technique, but we will have daily contact due to her picking up the baby after work. What should I do in this situation? A simple hi? Should I initiate some convo? What if she asks about my day?
You can't really "go dark" when you have kids. You're going to have to have some interactions with her. Just be pleasant and cordial, the "friendly neighbor" approach as we call it around here.
Very sorry to hear about her moving out, I know it's really tough on you right now but almost universally LBS's eventually say they were glad when their WAS moved out as it really helps them to move on with their life. It also helps them give the WAS the time and space they almost never can while under the same roof.
Could you please reference the friendly neighbor approach so I can read up on it. So far I have just brought my baby out and put her and her things in the car, have not told the wife hello or anything. Should I be greeting her and asking her about her day?
Just another update, today is a week since she moved out. Have seen her a total of 5 times for exchange of daughter. No communication amongst us during exchange except for one day where i brushed D's hair like a certain Disney princess. W asked D who brushed it, then proceeded to tell me "Good Job" when she told her it was me. The only text i receive from her is to tell me what time she will be coming for daughter and then a phone call when she is outside.
I was reading up on "validation". Should i try and spark conversations with W and ask about her day, or should i keep in this NC per say and see where this goes? It's only been a week so maybe I'm trying to change strategy too soon, patience is not a strong suit for me unfortunately.
Also, in the past i have always been more of the "Dead Sea" in terms of conversations, would it be a good 180 to be the one to initiate contact in our interactions with the baby exchange or just hold off on this.
So much to read and so many different situations that its difficult to decide what route to go...
Today was a hectic day to say the least. Got a call from W saying the baby had stomach pain and if i could pick her up from the sitter. Picked her up and went to urgent care, during the wait i decided to give her some pain meds. She was feeling better so we decided to just leave the doc office. On the way home D completely puked all over herself and my truck, no biggie as she felt so happy and relieved afterwards. Something must have upset her stomach. She is well now.
Onto the W. When she called me to tell me what was going on she was unsure of what it could be, even said through her online search that i could be from anxiety and that the baby may be stressed from all the recent changes. Her tone definitely sounded down/depressed/saddened. Or so it seemed to me. Who knows, maybe I'm just reading to much into her feelings.
She called a few times just to see how she was doing and that has been it.
Tonight I've got some tickets for a show that I'm going to with a buddy. Should be a great distraction from all the latest turnmoil.
Anybody care to give some insight on my sitch.
Also, within this time just reflecting on myself and talking to friends about how their relationships are, I don't feel as if I'm solely to blame for the downfall. We had regular outings for dinner, i would catch up for lunch with her at work when my schedule allowed, we vacationed 2x a year. She would also go visit her relatives out of country without me which was fine as I didn't care to go. Never did i give her a hard time on going. I did my share and then some of the house work. I cooked all our meals and was the one to clean up 4/5 times. Financially i made more and i took care of paying the bills and making sure everything was on point, i even took care of paying her cards so the payment would not be missed.
Was i doing too much of these things and not enough of what exactly? From reading the 5 Love languages after BD i came to realize that she is a 'quality time' type, i could see where i failed in this but not entirely.
Just venting my stuff out there for you guys to get more insight of what our MR was like.
Newly...just caught up on your sitch, seems very familiar to what i am going through. I'm sorry you're going through these things...the advice ive been getting from this site has been getting me through this dark time.
I basically have NC with my W and it's killing me, hang in there!
Also, within this time just reflecting on myself and talking to friends about how their relationships are, I don't feel as if I'm solely to blame for the downfall. We had regular outings for dinner, i would catch up for lunch with her at work when my schedule allowed, we vacationed 2x a year. She would also go visit her relatives out of country without me which was fine as I didn't care to go. Never did i give her a hard time on going. I did my share and then some of the house work. I cooked all our meals and was the one to clean up 4/5 times. Financially i made more and i took care of paying the bills and making sure everything was on point, i even took care of paying her cards so the payment would not be missed.
It's funny how men and women view these things so differently. Look at what you wrote above. You do not once mention what most women value most- emotional support. Were you ever THERE for her, emotionally available, emotionally supportive? Or when she came to you with problems did you shut down, or go into Mr. Fixit mode? So you had lunch and dinner with her, "let her" go on trips by herself, did some house work. So what, that is the BARE MINIMUM (not to mention all "beta" stuff that is good to have in the M, but not what attracts a woman to a man). You don't deserve an award for that! I'm not trying to beat you up, the exact same could be said for most of us here. But you've got to wake up to the fact that you did NOT give her what she wanted most, and that is why you are here. Don't try to justify it by saying "oh but I did X, Y and Z" because that doesn't matter. What matters is you didn't do A, B and C.
Could you please reference the friendly neighbor approach so I can read up on it. So far I have just brought my baby out and put her and her things in the car, have not told the wife hello or anything. Should I be greeting her and asking her about her day?
It's basically the attitude in Sandi's rules:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2777879#Post2777879Detaching is NOT about being cold and indifferent. You should be warm, polite and friendly but not prying, personal, needy, anxious. You treat her like you would treat a neighbor. Show her what she's missing. No one misses the cold shoulder, ever.
Also, within this time just reflecting on myself and talking to friends about how their relationships are, I don't feel as if I'm solely to blame for the downfall. We had regular outings for dinner, i would catch up for lunch with her at work when my schedule allowed, we vacationed 2x a year. She would also go visit her relatives out of country without me which was fine as I didn't care to go. Never did i give her a hard time on going. I did my share and then some of the house work. I cooked all our meals and was the one to clean up 4/5 times. Financially i made more and i took care of paying the bills and making sure everything was on point, i even took care of paying her cards so the payment would not be missed.
It's funny how men and women view these things so differently. Look at what you wrote above. You do not once mention what most women value most- emotional support. Were you ever THERE for her, emotionally available, emotionally supportive? Or when she came to you with problems did you shut down, or go into Mr. Fixit mode? So you had lunch and dinner with her, "let her" go on trips by herself, did some house work. So what, that is the BARE MINIMUM (not to mention all "beta" stuff that is good to have in the M, but not what attracts a woman to a man). You don't deserve an award for that! I'm not trying to beat you up, the exact same could be said for most of us here. But you've got to wake up to the fact that you did NOT give her what she wanted most, and that is why you are here. Don't try to justify it by saying "oh but I did X, Y and Z" because that doesn't matter. What matters is you didn't do A, B and C.
AnotherStander,
I appreciate your response. Definitely don't take it as a beat up in any way. I know where i failed to be there for my wife on the emotionally level. In essence i had no idea about these type of feelings that a woman craves. After reading DR and the 5LL I definitely have gotten a better grasp of it.
My dilemma is, I'm at a point where my wife will not even say a word to me in our basic interactions with D exchange. How long before she will break this barrier and maybe start talking to me, or should i try and start conversation with her. She does text me in regards to our D and i reply straight to the point and don't try to make additional convo myself.
I did in no way try to justify myself with all that i brought to the table, only brought it out to clearly state my sitch. I know of relationships that have more hardship such as alcoholism,drug abuse, physical abuse and the likes of anything along those lines.
I know where i failed to be there for my wife on the emotionally level. In essence i had no idea about these type of feelings that a woman craves. After reading DR and the 5LL I definitely have gotten a better grasp of it.
Good, and yes we've all been there! We go through quite the learning experience after BD!
My dilemma is, I'm at a point where my wife will not even say a word to me in our basic interactions with D exchange. How long before she will break this barrier and maybe start talking to me, or should i try and start conversation with her. She does text me in regards to our D and i reply straight to the point and don't try to make additional convo myself.
Sounds like you are doing fine. A lot of WAS's get very "cold" after BD. My ex was that way as well. I just continued to be cordial to her, followed the "friendly neighbor" tip from here on the forums. At one point she actually told me she did it because she thought it would make it easier for me to accept that she was leaving, but she felt guilty because she was being rude and I was still being nice. So she said she was going to quit doing it, and she did, she was nice after that. So yeah, you just be you and let your W be cold and indifferent if that's what she chooses. It may change sooner or later.
My sitch is still very fresh and i know patience is key but i was reading up on Retrouvaille and how couples would go even if one was unwilling, this seemed to have helped many in heading to reconciliation. Is this something i could/should bring up as a final attempt? Should i hold off and wait some time to see where this goes? What if she drops D-bomb, how should i react to that??? Thanks guys n gals
My sitch is still very fresh and i know patience is key but i was reading up on Retrouvaille and how couples would go even if one was unwilling, this seemed to have helped many in heading to reconciliation. Is this something i could/should bring up as a final attempt? Should i hold off and wait some time to see where this goes? What if she drops D-bomb, how should i react to that??? Thanks guys n gals
She has to be willing to go. They will call both spouses and ask them a few questions. Neither can be dating anyone else and both have to indicate interest in working on the M. After BD my ex surprised me by telling me she thought we should try Retro. We did end up going, and it is a really fantastic program that I can't recommend enough to people that are piecing. But when a spouse is two feet out the door it's not going to turn them around. There was one coach couple in our group that even said they had gone too soon the first time, it was a WAH and his W basically forced him to go and it did no good. Later when he hit rock bottom and decided he was willing to work on things they went again and that was the turning point for their M. But the bottom line, both spouses have to be committed to working on it.
So just to update what’s happened in the last couple of days.
This was her weekend to keep D3, she called me on Sunday, I didn’t not answer but got a text right after asking if it was ok if d3 stayed at her parents house for this week. They live 2 hours away. I replied “I don’t think it’s a good idea”
Yesterday she came by to pick up D and a buddy of mine was outside waiting for me to go to the gym. He said hello to her and she proceeded to tell him “ what’s wrong with your friend(me)?” He doesn’t answer when I call him and he didn’t let our D stay at my parents.
Today she was late to pick up our D from her usual time, about an hour later than usual. I told her I didn’t mind but if she was running late to please give me a heads up as I had my own agenda. Not being rude or anything, just a friendly comment. She told me she would no longer need me to drop her off at her house and she would pick her up everyday from my place. Nothing to do with any of this but she mentioned it...
Could it be that me not pursuing her and not being readily available is having an effect?
Also spoke to MIL and she said that W told her she loved me so much for so long and I was never able to love her as much in return, or so she feels that way. She did mention that she commented she would seek IC sometime in late May, wether she goes through with this I don’t know.
What are your thoughts on this? Thanka
Work has been picking up and I’ve been able to stay a bit busier than usual. I see my daughter Monday-Friday for a few hours after work until W gets off work to pick her up. GAL has been somewhat difficult but I’m trying. Going to the gym a few days a week and have been going to comedy shows a lot recently. Started reaching out to some of my co-workers who I know are going through separations as well. man these waw situation is all too common. Helps to speak to others just to get a perspective of what they do and the “keep your head up” always help. Just venting a bit here to see what you guys have to say.
Hang in there Newly20. I would resist reading into her actions. Continue to distance yourself, detach, and focus on your health and wellness.
Keeping up with GAL activities. Not much has changed as far as how she treats me with D exchange. Past weekend was tough even though I had my D, got into a lot of thinking on what W may be up to. I know not good behavior but still my mind couldn’t help it. Monday went well but this morning I just got into a slump where I just wanted to lay in bed, missed work.
A few of my buddies who experienced the same WAW situations have advised me that i should just proceed with the Divorce myself. These guys have no idea about DR or DB techniques nor do I try to explain to them. They just want to see me happy, which I understand.
A few have even suggested that I start dating. Although I crave the feminine companionship and the emotion tied behind all of it, I’m not a point where I’m ready. It’s only been a little over a month from BD.
All in all, lots of things have been going through my mind. Not sure how to proceed with this.
So its been 4 weeks since move out date and still no change in how WAW acts around me. Still business like and no convo between us, not even any eye contact when she comes to pick up our D. Maybe its mind reading which goes against detachment, but the few times she has spoken her tone is very unpleasant. She doesn't have the happy, excited tone she carried before BD. More of sad/angry tone, who knows...
In keeping up with detachment and GAL, how is it even possible for a wayward to notice any changes like in my situation if there is very very minimal interaction. In addition, her greatest complaint of where our relationship declined was that i was not there for her emotionally as ANOTHERSTANDER pointed out, should i be trying this now, how?
Also to refresh, when she BD she did mention she was in a mindset where we have tried everything and we are not working out. I basically have received every single line from the script of a WAW. Divorce is not of interest to her, but she did mention if i wanted to file i was free to do so and she would not contest..Again typical from the WAW script.
In regards to an EA or even a PA, i cannot confirm but given every other sitch i have read it seems very likely. She immediately moved out after BD, she asked to have her phone seperated from the family plan (so that I wouldn't check records i believe). Should i make any attempt into finding an ea/pa in an attempt to burst the bubble? Or let things be? If i let things be, wont it be exciting due to it being a "secret" therefore continue until it is exposed?
Tried posting yesterday but they kept coming up blank, ill try this again.
Coming up on 5 weeks of physical separation, nothing has changed in her demeanor when she comes to get D3. Ive been doing NC and going as dark as possible while maintaining minimal contact strictly about D3 or finances. I slipped up on 2 occasions, 1st time when i complimented on her outfit and got no response from her and the second time when i text her wishing her luck on a job interview, again with no response.
As per DR book, it states to try a method and monitor for any results, so far with 5 weeks i have not seen any sign of change, is it too soon to change the method? Should i initiate some sort of greeting with her when she comes to get D3 or should i continue to stay quiet and remain smiling?
Where are the vets? Can you guys weight in on my situation?? Sandi where are you??
Ive been cut off from my WW for 3 months now Newly, honestly i wouldn't focus so much on what your behavior is causing in her, but rather what positive changes your behavior is causing for yourself.
Remember Cadets first words. NO EXPECTATIONS.
I still struggle greatly with NC, and i can even HAVE contact if i wanted it, but its been a blessing in disguise. It gave me the time i needed to learn all about DB techniques.
Before NC i was literally doing everything wrong, pleading, begging, pursuing, challenging questions about OM, making demands and pleas about our marriage, our family, our son.
Keep up being positive, be polite and available but dont be a doormat. Stand up for your boundaries, and be the best version of yourself you can be. If thats not what she wants to come home to, you cant control that.
I mean it when i say i still really struggle with this, i have SO MANY QUESTIONS, SO MANY EXPLANATIONS I WANT.
Ive had zero closure, zero info. I had OM thrown in my face and then i was left in the dark, now for months. So believe me i get how hard it is, ive slipped up and tried to contact her, with no results. Im not doing that anymore. She is living her life, and it IS GOING to backfire in her face, could be in a week or it could be in 5 years, i dont know. What i do know is it will happen, and when it does im going to be the best version of myself i can be and we'll see how the dust settles.
Bank on nothing but your own perseverance.
Strength to you Brother.
Here my Sitch if you want to read it -
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2784300#Post2784300
6 weeks post Seperation. She seems a little more "happy" when she comes around, i try not to read into these situations but i am making note of any changes. Yesterday she asked if D3 could spend the upcoming week at MIL. This time she asked me in person when picking up D3, previously she would only do this over the phone or via text. I replied that I didn't think it would be a good idea.
I'm in no way trying to be petty by not allowing this, but for ME its not going to work, i need my daughter and seeing her on a daily allows me to thrive per say. At the same time i have no problem with the inlaws coming by so D3, but a whole week is just asking too much given the current situation.
This week in particular has been difficult. I find myself with more emotion than usual and i cant seem to pinpoint it to anything. My thought is this, i leave home for work and no one is home, and i come back home from work with no one waiting for me. This has really hit me hard as of late.
So despite me stating that i was not ok with D3 going to MIL/FIL house, W decided to take her up there anyway. She said she would bring her down on Wednesday. So we got into it a bit back n forth via text, mainly me stating my discontent with her doing this. I did tell her i was not trying to keep her away from her family but that our communication needs to be better and that we are both parents, we should both be in agreement. We switch off on weekends and during the week D3 spends time with both of us, i told her we are 50/50. She went into it on this and said that we are not because our D3 sleeps with her and that we will let the courts decide this. We kept going back and forth, I didn't lose my cool even though there were some instances where i wanted to just let her have it. I tried validating where i could. At the end i did pursue a bit and told her she was confused, to which she responded that she has already filed for divorce and she was certain about what she wanted.
I'm still processing this, i have not totally lost myself emotionally nor do i know how the coming days, weeks, months will feel. I have not responded to the last text about her already filing, and I'm not certain if its a bluff. Only time will tell.
Should i respond to the text and validate somehow? What should i say
Moving forward, how should i approach my situation. This whole ordeal has just took a huge turn in the matter of a weekend it seems.
She also mentioned that she was bothered by the fact that i could not even answer her phone calls, she stated she doesn't care about my personal life and that i should not have reached out to MIL for 'help'. I strongly agree with that.
Hoping I can get some insight from some of the vets pretty soon, not sure how to respond to the wife given the current situation..Don't want to let so much time pass.
Well, it happened. Just shortly after our last text conversation in which she told me she had filed i got an unknown call to receive some paperwork. I was served. She filed just like she said.
Not sure what to make of this. Just 2 months after BD she went on and filed. My head is spinning. Was our marriage that bad that she decided there was no way around this, so soon? IS there other factors involved, perhaps OM? Or is her head spinning and just jumping to sudden action. This feeling truly SU*KS.
Just play it cool, dont get in the way of it. let the people here hear your pain and confusion. She sees nothing but cool calm and collected. Yea?
Cooperate but dont be a doormat
Yes before i even got the actual paperwork i decided to respond to her text. I told her i did not believe that D was the solution to our problems but i would not stand in the way of her happiness.
What i believe she sees is someone who is just going with it, unbothered per say. I'm doing my best to not be a doormat and give in to her every request, and judging from our convo earlier it seems she thinks I'm angry or mad at her. This is far from the case! Slightly angry at her for tearing this family apart, but I'm not showing it. What i do have is extreme disappointment in her and the way things unfolded. I have no idea who she is anymore, that there is the huge killer for me.
Some days i bum out thinking on how this is my fault, but in reality it was a joint effort, our marriage got to this point because of US, not ME. At this point hope has extremely diminished. Now to continue moving forward with myself only, being the best father i can be and let the pieces of the puzzle fall into place as they need to.
Yes before i even got the actual paperwork i decided to respond to her text. I told her i did not believe that D was the solution to our problems but i would not stand in the way of her happiness.
What i believe she sees is someone who is just going with it, unbothered per say. I'm doing my best to not be a doormat and give in to her every request, and judging from our convo earlier it seems she thinks I'm angry or mad at her. This is far from the case! Slightly angry at her for tearing this family apart, but I'm not showing it. What i do have is extreme disappointment in her and the way things unfolded. I have no idea who she is anymore, that there is the huge killer for me.
Some days i bum out thinking on how this is my fault, but in reality it was a joint effort, our marriage got to this point because of US, not ME. At this point hope has extremely diminished. Now to continue moving forward with myself only, being the best father i can be and let the pieces of the puzzle fall into place as they need to.
Just bumming out these past 48hrs, thinking what could have been done differently> Is DB done for me? What else is there to do. I know it's not over until the ink is dry but I'm so lost right now.
When W initially left she said divorce meant nothing to her and that she would wait a year to decide if that's what she truly wanted. Wondering why the sudden change from her? I cant think of what i could have done on my part to push her over the edge per say.
I still have not confirmed OM but given the way my sitch has unfolded it seems highly likely. Does this change anything? If so, what approach should i take? Should i look into it further to see if i find anything.
At first i did say that if there was OM involved i would be done with this, but as time progressed i had a change of heart. When my D3 asks why we aren't together or when i will come over to stay at her new house it totally breaks me.
When i speak of my sitch to people IRL they give me advice to move on, still young and that i can find someone else. All this is soooo easy to say, but i cannot fathom it. This feeling of being an LBS is one of the saddest things one can go through. Still, its a fresh wound and I don't see the other side yet, hoping that with time this will begin to heal and i can be the best ME again.
I told her i did not believe that D was the solution to our problems but i would not stand in the way of her happiness.
Good. That's the best approach, you don't want to act like you approve of it but you want to make it clear that it is her choice and you will go along with her choice regardless. Because the reality is it only takes one to divorce anyway. So in not standing in the way you are removing pressure, and if she doesn't feel pressure she won't feel the need to hurry it through.
Some days i bum out thinking on how this is my fault, but in reality it was a joint effort, our marriage got to this point because of US, not ME.
Correct. But only you are here. Remember Michele's chapter "It Takes One to Tango".
At this point hope has extremely diminished. Now to continue moving forward with myself only, being the best father i can be and let the pieces of the puzzle fall into place as they need to.
Hope is 100% yours. You can choose to have it or not have it. Hope is not controlled by anyone else's actions.
Just bumming out these past 48hrs, thinking what could have been done differently> Is DB done for me? What else is there to do. I know it's not over until the ink is dry but I'm so lost right now.
25 posts a statistic sometimes about divorces filed in CA. If I remember right 50% of them never follow through. We don't know if they recon or what as there's no statistics on it, but the point is filing is just one of many steps towards D.
When W initially left she said divorce meant nothing to her and that she would wait a year to decide if that's what she truly wanted. Wondering why the sudden change from her? I cant think of what i could have done on my part to push her over the edge per say.
I can't help wonder if your argument with her about D had something to do with it. You can't keep W from taking D to the in-laws, nor should you try and it just makes you look controlling.
When i speak of my sitch to people IRL they give me advice to move on, still young and that i can find someone else. All this is soooo easy to say, but i cannot fathom it.
Read the first chapter of DB. Michele explains why people do this, and why it's wrong.
This feeling of being an LBS is one of the saddest things one can go through. Still, its a fresh wound and I don't see the other side yet, hoping that with time this will begin to heal and i can be the best ME again.
Yeah it is terrible to go through and it is impossible to see the other side when you're in the middle of it. Just take a day at a time! Don't borrow worries from tomorrow!
AS, yeah maybe the fact that I didn t agree to let my daughter go To in laws when she asked on Wednesday led her to file out of anger on Thursday..I won t ever know but it is a possibility. But as per Db I cant read into what she is thinking.
I validated when she told me she had already filed, and although you say I should not help the process it s a rather easy split. When we separated she took half the finances and she is only asking for a car to be put in her name. I don t know what I could do to possibly delay this divorce, in our state it will only take 6 months to finalize.
I have seen 25 post the statistic somewhere else, but again, at this point what could be done to change the outcome. How can this be prolonged, what can be done for W to want to drop the case.
AS
Even though i validated on the divorce situation, you mentioned that she will not feel pressured and wont feel like she needs to push it through. At this point, she has already filed so its only a matter of time, 6 months to be exact. Is there anything i should try to be doing to slow it down??
I have read the stats posted by 25 somewhere on these forums but going back to the same thing, what's there to do for her to get out of the fog.
At times i myself wonder if me not letting D3 go to the inlaws caused anger in W which pushed her to file, but again this is just speculation and according to Db its a big no no.
At this point i still plan on being as dark/NC as possible, I don't think i will change anything as far as trying to interact with her. I don't know if this is the correct thing to do or not, but i fear that if i start being extra friendly now she will see it as a big change only because I was served with D papers.
I'd appreciate any insight from you guys on how to move forward with this.
Newly, I have just seen your thread for the first time an hope to offer some insight. I am by no means a vet but know how important feedback can be.
I continually hear you waffling on persuing W. Don't do it. When things a strained (I know that seems like an understatement at this point) and thing chased is going to run. Pull away and eventually you will be pursued.
Something to think about is working on yourself. Taking care of your self. Not working on your R. Not reading 5LL at this time. Becoming okay with being single. No this doesn't mean you're are accepting that it will never get any better.
You are preparing yourself for whatever may happen and you are showing W that you are moving on with or without her.
Most Ws notice. Some take a long time.
Use the D handoff to demonstrate this. That you are going to be just fine.
Be prepared at some point W may temp-take. Read up on this. You don't want to fall for it.
Trust me I moved past one EA without proper reconciliation only to find myself here.
I know it hurts. I know as men we want to do something to fix it.
You are doing something. You are regaining autonomy and becoming a better you.
RR, i appreciate your response. I dont feel as if i have been pursuing her, i did have the 2 slip ups I mentioned and that was it. Perhaps me talking to MIL to see if there was anything had been said by W is a huge form of pursuit...and now that i sit back and think about it its a very desperate attempt. Big downer on my part. Oh well i need to learn from this one.
I feel as if the text conversation we had was a form of temp-checking. She said a lot about what she felt i was doing wrong per say, i feel in an attempt for me to wag my tail and make her think otherwise. Or at least for her to feel power over me. Next time i will keep responses short, i have read over and over in others situations and yet i still fell for the bait and poured my heart out basically.
Is there anything i should try to be doing to slow it down??
The advice on this is not to try to impede the process. Don't help it either, let the WAS take care of it. If she asks you for information then provide it, but don't do the legwork yourself.
I understand the prospect of D is very upsetting, but it's not a watershed moment that means you've crossed into the "we will never reconcile" zone. I personally know several couples that reconciled after long periods of separation and even two couple that remarried after being divorced for years. It doesn't close the door on anything.
The process varies from state-to-state, I assume the 6 months you mentioned is your state's cooling off period? Have you already filed a response to the D? Do you agree on all the terms?
I have read the stats posted by 25 somewhere on these forums but going back to the same thing, what's there to do for her to get out of the fog.
I know it's frustrating because you WANT to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING! But the best thing you can do right now is give her time and space. She's on her own journey and will come out of the fog on her schedule. I used to tell people it's like she's starting a marathon and you want to drive up next to her and throw the door open and tell her to hop in so you can take her to the finish line. But if you did that, it would completely defeat the reason for her running the marathon to begin with.
At this point i still plan on being as dark/NC as possible, I don't think i will change anything as far as trying to interact with her. I don't know if this is the correct thing to do or not, but i fear that if i start being extra friendly now she will see it as a big change only because I was served with D papers.
Yeah I think staying dim or dark is the best course of action. That doesn't mean to be cold/ rude/ indifferent, it just means focus on you and leave her alone. No pursuit.
I agree with everything Anotherstander has said above. Stay dim. Use your limited interaction to show her that you aren't just surviving, you are doing just fine. Maybe even better than ever.
You can't shake the fog intentional and have it stick. But you can do things for your own mental well being that might just shake thing up a bit. Don't expect anything and you won't be disappointed. Much of this is beyond your control.
That said you can handle your end in the best way possible. BTW, we all slip or screw up. Just move on and don't do it again. Do not pursue her through her parents.
6 months is indeed the waiting period, i believe it starts from the day i was served. At first i did agree with it all and planned on not responding and just letting it ride out, but after truly analyzing some of the child visitation areas it seems odd. She stated i would get D3 every other weekend, no where in the paperwork does it mention the fact that i have her on the daily. Something i will need to meet up with a lawyer for advice on, for my protection in the future as far as CS and what not.
Staying dark has been relatively easy, i dont feel like i have fell off too bad nor that I'm pursuing. It is however difficult to be "nice" to her i feel some resentment towards WAW for what she is doing. I guess for now ill have to practice faking until it becomes natural.
Appreciate the recent responses, have definitely been giving me something to go off. Have a wonderful weekend everybody.
Let's talk a little about what constitutes pursuing.
Complementing her dress=persuing
Calling MIL= pursuing
I know you harbor resentment. We all do. It will get easier. Stay busy and don't spend too much time alone. It will get easier.
Yes, get your own attorney. It's a lot easier and cheaper than challenging a divorce decree later.
Yes i fell off on the occasion in which i complimented the WAW, and i spoke to MIL many times which at the time i did not see as pursuit. Now that i sat back to look at it, WAW feels as if nobody is on her side with her decision, her own family has told her she is making a mistake, me talking to MIL only added fuel to the fire. But now to be more productive with myself, step away from her family and worry only about D3.
It takes a minute to recognize what constitutes pursuing. What seems like a legitimately kind and loving thing can be perceived as pursuing.
So its my weekend with the kiddo, just hanging out and took her to the park for a while earlier. Man is it tough to go out there and see other kids with both parents having fun and living that "family" life. I remember when WAW and i would take our D3 together. I know we are suppose to live in the present but i cant help to look into the future and think about a broken family. No more family outings, no more vacations, celebrating birthdays together. And to top it all off, the thought of another man being there to enjoy these memories which where supposed to be only ours.
This exact paragraph is very relevant to me right now.
I feel for you both.
No advice.
Prayer for you.
A few days have gone, weekend was tough for me mainly becuase of seeing familys together and me being a "single" father. Not so much me missing the W. Then Monday comes along, i went on to work and was fine, did the usual routine of having my kiddo with me til W picked her up in the afternoon. Had the first face to face conversation with her about our daughter. For the first time since BD i think i was able to maintain eye contact with her. May not be a big deal, but for whatever reason in the past i had not been able to. Read somewhere that if you maintain eye contact it tells the other person that they have your full attention and that you are listening.
Anyhow, we just talked a bit about daughter and a couple things to check in with our baby sitter. She went on her way. Then came the dumpy feeling. After that i could not pull myself out of the slump. Couldn't get to sleep, had my alarms go off for work and i had no desire to go. Laid right back down.All these things are no good, but i rather be on my own with my feelings than to be at work and be out of it.
Ive been seeing so many new comers. Even IRL there are soo many people going through a split that its ridiculous. Why is our generation so quick to give up. Nobody wants to fight anymore, they give up at the first tough situation. This whole thing bums me out, even makes me question the future. I see all these people around me in relationships who are not even committed, a lot of cheating and unhappiness. Makes you not even want to try, question whether someone is being legit with you.
Also, are there any self-help books you guys would recommend? Trying to get into some reading as i feel it has helped in the past.
It's been a while that I've posted. This week our interactions have been light, a bit of talking but its all strictly business. I have now mentioned anything about the on-going divorce, nor has she brought it up. I'm still taken by the fact that she didn't mention beforehand. I thought for sure she would tell me that she was set on it and was going to file. Not sure what to make of this.
So onto myself, this week was busy with work, finally got around to working full shifts and even some overtime. This tremendously helped me as i love my job, and working longer hours helped keep my mind off my sitch. However, not sure if i want to keep up with this OT due to the fact that i can have a child support case opened up. We have a verbal agreement in place currently, but i do not know who is in W ear.
As time progresses i do find that the sadness dissipates. I was so down on the loss of the family, how W could just walk away from all the "lifelong dreams" we talked about. We were high school sweethearts so I'm not sure if this comes into play. The fact that she no longer wants to work on the marriage, she no longer feels those butterflies and thinks the grass is greener on the other side. Are WAW really that naive? All marriages have ups and downs, but rather than work on it she chooses to just walk away, not only hurting Us, but our little D3. i feel great disappointment in today's younger generation. "When something is broken, you fix it. You dont throw it away and buy another." That's how i feel, maybe I'm more of an old school type of guy.
This thought alone has me feeling anxious. I know i should focus on today, but cant help but think into the future and wonder if there is another woman with the same thoughts as myself. Someone who is gonna fight the battle and not another person who is going to throw in the towel at the first rough patch we go though.