Long story.
I have been married for 16 years and we have 3 beautiful D's- 13, 9., 5. 12 years ago I gave someone my phone number but there was no real EA no kissing or anything just in a really bad place.
We went to therapy for a while to work on this and our own traumas.
Mine is abandonement and he stonewalls.
He shuts me out all the time, often for weeks, when he feels unsafe which triggers my abandonement issues.
One of my issues has been telling little white lies.
They are never anything major but I tend to do it when I begin to feel abandoned.
The past three years, every 6 months, he would get triggered and shut down for weeks.
No communication until I called the therapist and then I had to drag H in and save our marriage.
We have had this cycle every 6-8 months for over 2 years.
We have a good friendship and I really love him.
This past August he started getting weird about my attendance at the gym.
I go with all of his high school friends and I have invited him over and over again.
He goes to Crossfit.
I made it a point this past year to be truly transparent with him even if it scared me.
I told him a dumb story about someone at the gym and then he heard the story at a party from friends who go to the gym with me.
Instead of asking me about it, he shut down.
His friends were perplexed because they knew the story and all he had to do was ask to clarify.
Then I went over the budget in August and all hell broke loose.
He shut down for 8 weeks, I had to contact his brother because I was worried about some of the depression he was displaying.
He stated that he couldnt do it anymore and the he felt unsafe.
I stated that I did not feel safe either because he always checks out but that I have never tried to divorce him.
We went to the therapist to do a trial separation right before Thanksgiving.
He did not want to do a therapeutic separation, just separate.
We communicated when he would pick up and drop off the kids but he didnt want to try and date.
I had him tracked for a month but there was no activity of other women.
I suppose he could have had a one night stand prior to that or an emotional affair which are harder to detect.
I asked him several times if he had someone else but he always denied it.
Right before Christmas we saw the therapist and he stated that he did not see any hope.
We fought and he cried.
I tried to get him to do a 3 month trial separation and he got angry.
The therapist later told me that he has never really tried and she was sad to see him go this route.
He still sees her every 2 weeks but for his own stuff.
Two weeks ago he filed and I was served today.
I started DBing 2 weeks ago with the help of a coach named Chuck who has been a God send.
I have done 180 and I have seen him notice behavioral changes.
But he still served me.
Chuck gave me pointers on how to approach him which has helped immensely.
I talk to Chuck once a week.
I feel more in control but of course get moments of desperation when I see my marriage slipping.
Any success stories or advice is appreciated.
I have read DR twice!!!!
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
How many have had success after being served? Asking for a friend
I feel like I am floating in aire!
I am saddened today because I had to go to the notary to officially have the papers served. Coach Chuck advised me to comply with him and do it as soon as I could.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I will do just that! I guess my question is the same question many of us have. When will they wake up!! I know I cannot control what he does but it is so heartbreaking.
This is why hearing success after being served is critical in keeping hope alive and continue to DB. I am so glad I paid for a coach because Chuck has helped me have positivity.
This forum is great because it keeps some hope alive as well as camaraderie. The success stories after spouse files is what keeps me motivated as well as investing in DB Coach. Has anyone ever used Chuck?
I am pleased to see you feel positive about the coaching experience. I'm currently being coached by Joann so I can't compare but she has been very helpful and reassure as well even helping me write a letter to my W sentence by sentence to ensure I'm doing the right thing. My last struggle puts me with my back against the wall (see latest post of mine). It helps that others on the forums are supportive because almost everybody is going (or has gone) through the same pain..
I just saw your posts and that must be devastating!! Do you know if she is still actively seeing the OM? Gosh DBing can be so difficult in particular when they want stuff. I had to go to the bank today with WAS to get the papers notarized. He kept bothering me about it so I had to. It is hard to see my whole life basically on paper. Chuck has been extremely patient and helped open my eyes to things that I was not seeing. What I am curious about is knowing how many were successful in saving their marriages at this stage. I know that it is individual but it always helps add hope.
Do you think that there a lot of success stories for those in my situation?
This is why hearing success after being served is critical in keeping hope alive and continue to DB. I am so glad I paid for a coach because Chuck has helped me have positivity.
In my state of California I've read that more than 20% of divorces are never finalized. I've also seen that early in the D process, almost 40% of couples are open to reconciliation. Regardless, after reading your situation, I think you have many 180s to do. You can't control your spouse, but you can control yourself and create the space and distance for him to reevaluate the idea of D.
It sounds like you had an EA? This can be as damaging to a relationship as a PA. Have you apologized to your H?
This is why hearing success after being served is critical in keeping hope alive and continue to DB. I am so glad I paid for a coach because Chuck has helped me have positivity.
In my state of California I've read that more than 20% of divorces are never finalized. I've also seen that early in the D process, almost 40% of couples are open to reconciliation. Regardless, after reading your situation, I think you have many 180s to do. You can't control your spouse, but you can control yourself and create the space and distance for him to reevaluate the idea of D.
It sounds like you had an EA? This can be as damaging to a relationship as a PA. Have you apologized to your H?
It happened 12 years ago and I have literally sat for hours in therapy sessions going over every detail at length. Im saying like hours and hours. I am not condoning or saying that my behavior is/was acceptable but I cant carry this scarlet letter for the rest of my life. It also helps him blame me and not have to continue to do his work on fulling committing and stonewalling all the time which is emotionally damaging. I never contacted the guy after that nor did i miss him in any way. I literally knew him for about three weeks. Nonetheless, I regret it. I want to have hope but I also need to be realistic.
Do you think that there a lot of success stories for those in my situation?
Im sure that there are.
My advice for you is to start being patient. This is not something that will happen quickly, but rather, a long, slow journey. As you look back, you should be able to see all sorts of problems in the old relationship. Now is a time to focus on 'cleaning your side of the street'.
You talk about 'white lies' - now is maybe a time to investigate why you tell you them and how to improve that.
You talk about 'abandonment issues' - how can you better manage those?
Instead of grabbing at crumbs, focus on what you can do to improve yourself. Focus on raising a set of incredible children. Try to let the marriage take a backseat in your brain for a little bit so that you can become healthy again.
It is only then, that you will have a chance at making a lasting re-connection with H anyway.
Thank you. I am working with not only a DB coach but my own personal therapist. These abandonement issues have gotten better throughout the years but creep up from time to time. The patience thing is the hardest in particular when I have the divorce papers in front of me.
He is talking to me more and seems more comfortable in initiating conversations. I can only assume its because he filed. He is sad or angry most of the time but then he will discuss things with me that he would not have in the past.
Someone asked me if I would contest the divorce in order to get a conciliatory meeting. I am not if anyone has done that but it seems it would do more harm than good. It is a no fault state but I think it is counterproductive. Thoughts?
Someone asked me if I would contest the divorce in order to get a conciliatory meeting. I am not if anyone has done that but it seems it would do more harm than good. It is a no fault state but I think it is counterproductive. Thoughts?
You seem to be scrambling and scratching and clawing to save your marriage right now. I think that is admirable. But I also want to give some perspective.
If I asked you what would be different if you were officially divorced right this instant, what would you say? How different would your actual day to day life be if you were divorced?
My guess is, not that much. I know it wasnt for me. Thats because, at BD, my ex was already essentially divorced from me...emotionally. Sure, there was a piece of paper tying us together legally and financially. But the actual relationship was already dead - I just didnt know it yet.
What that means to you is that instead of trying to save an old relationship which is already dead, your focus should be on preparing to enter a healthy relationship. Going through months of silence and withdrawal isnt healthy for either of you. Now is the time to identify what values you have and what is important to you and ensure that your next relationship is successful! You say you are working with a counselor now and I think that is an excellent step.
Theres no law saying you and H cant reconcile and make a beautiful new relationship from the ashes of the old one. To do that, the first step is to take care of yourself and it sounds like thats what you are trying to do. Keep it up!
Your words bring me comfort. And you certainly right. The old cycle is destructive. There are days where I am strong and then there are days where the struggle is intense. Divorce or no divorce the reality is that we have self destructive behaviors.
The changes I have made have been noticed by the way he interacts with me. I can tell he is scared to be divorced by the way he acts. He did tell me a long time ago that he did not want to be divorced but did not know what else to do.
I am working on committing to DB skills and improving myself. It is a long hard road.
I just left the notary again in tears and left the paperwork underneath his doormat!!! I dont care if birds poop on it!!
I just left the notary again in tears and left the paperwork underneath his doormat!!! I dont care if birds poop on it!!
(((((HUGS))))))))
The magic of TIME and you will heal.
I know that now life does not seem that way but with the skills that you can learn here - it will get better.
I promise
It just hurts because it makes it so real and the human hopelessness sets in. That is why it is an easy inclination to want to hear stories of those at this juncture find success!!!!!!
That is why it is an easy inclination to want to hear stories of those at this juncture find success!!!!!!
In the homework I gave you, the resources link has Mozza's success stories which will get you started at some of the stories here.
Their are others too.
It just hurts because it makes it so real and the human hopelessness sets in. That is why it is an easy inclination to want to hear stories of those at this juncture find success!!!!!!
I agree with Cadet. Its hard and it hurts and it just [censored] all around.
That said, how would your life be different right now if the divorce went through instantaneously. Like, what in your actual day-to-day life would be different.
The way I see it, right now, it's just a matter of filing your relationship status to the government. Frankly, it doesnt really change much for how you will live your life.
Its sad and the symbology of it is painful. But youll get through it! And it DOES get better!
Thank you for your support. I hope it does and the hard part is having hope simultaneously when filling out the necessary paperwork. How do you do that?
Thank you for your support. I hope it does and the hard part is having hope simultaneously when filling out the necessary paperwork. How do you do that?
Treat the paperwork as a business deal.
Take the emotion out of it and just get the best deal you can.
Another question I had was about DBing itself. I know that DBing helps focus on yourself and build self esteem. A lot here have said that it is not about reconciliation.
I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. I miss H and our family together. We were at my D9 dance performance last night and Tried to remain upbeat. I was laughing with my friends and he sat next to our other D's. The grieving is hardest at night. I still really love him and I do not want to lose our family. I begin to detach and then get scared. I want this all to stop. I want him to stop!!
Another question I had was about DBing itself. I know that DBing helps focus on yourself and build self esteem. A lot here have said that it is not about reconciliation.
What exactly is your question?
My opinion is this. You ultimately have no control over with you reconcile or not. I feel like judging your success based on that is a fool's errand. If you take this time and opportunity to become an incredible woman and mother and friend and partner, why should you feel bad about it because H is an idiot?
So, yes, this site is focused on rebuilding the LBS that comes here, because that is what you have control over!
And remember this....it also happens to be the best chance that you have for reconciling anyway. It's like:
Step 1 - Reflecting and identifying growth opportunities
Step 2 - Improving Self
Step 3 - Reconciling
So, we focus on step 1 and step 2 because if you jump to step 3, you are in line for future failure anyway. While doing that, the rules and guidelines are there to help you keep the path for step 3 clear.
I know that it stinks now. Its ok to be sad. Try your best to keep your chin up and your eyes on the road ahead of you.
I begin to detach and then get scared.
A,
What do you mean by the above statement? Detachment is what you are trying to obtain so do not be afraid of it.
Unfortunately there are no quick fixes when the sitches get this far in the process. I always say that right now you can't make things better right now but you can certainly make them worse.
If you follow Sandi's rules things will get better for you in the future. These sitches usually take months/years to unfold.
Are you exercising and getting out with family and friends?
Thank you. You seem to really have a handle on it and I guess I am still in shock due to signing the documents yesterday. The only person I can really control is myself. You are right there are no quick fixes and DBing is about finding ourselves in the midst of this uncontrollable chaos.
Hi. I started exercising again but some days are so hard. I am in graduate school and that takes up a lot of my time as well. I have great friends you allow me to just be. I have made much improvement as far as being upbeat when he is around and filling my calendar with activities. What do you guys do when the WAS is around and just hanging with the kids? Do you start conversations or do you just go about your day as if they were not there?
Abs,
This is in your HW you have to do the work to get the results, there are no shortcuts.
What is your definition of detachment?
15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
Or, if he is moved out, take the opportunity while he is over with the kids to get dressed up and go out and get your nails done...or treat yourself to dinner, or go to the gym.....or whatever!
He is moved out. On Monday we scheduled to meet to go over custody papers which I am dreading but it has to be done without any emotions.
I just found out that he has been drinking something that he hasnt done in 20 years. I think he does it to numb the pain. It just made me sad for him and have more empathy. Friends of his had to drive his car home after a party and then he hit the casino and drank a ton there as well. My heart is breaking for my girls. I am struggling today for sure.
Just went over custody papers and alimony with my paralegal friend. This is all overwhelming but necessary. His information was so ill prepared and not thought out. It is annoying to me that he wants to divorce but does a poor job in his own preparation. I am going to be prepared for me and my D's. Maybe he will come out of his crisis before this ends but I need to take care of me.
Abs,
Be prepared for him to try to manipulate you in the process to try to get what he wants in the settlement. Don’t mistake that for he wants to reconcile. Make sure you get the best deal for you and your daughters.
I think he believes that I am not savvy with finances but I feel really confident!!! Also I just had a session with my DB coach Chuck who is so great in helping me see things I miss. Has anyone ever had him as a coach? Often times you feel naive when you want to feel hopeful at this stage of the situation. Chuck helps me be realistic but shows me that there can always be hope and he gave me some direction so I do not feel aimless in the process.
I am feeling better today. THis week has been one for the books with notarizing and officially being served. It really hit me hard. I spoke to my DB Coach who always seems to see things I dont. It keeps me hopeful but its hard to keep your spirits up when the reality is sitting on your desk. My husband is getting puppies to make our daughters feel better or "to make him feel less guilty." I wish he knew that all that he buys them will never take away the pain if he finalizes this D. I love him deeply and it hurts from all angles. I want to reach out to him and shake him!!!
He looks depressed or sad most of the time. But to him there is no hope.
I cried all morning. I tried not to. He just texted me to let me know that he took money to pay for something at a house he is looking to buy and for his car. I dont freaking care!!!
W,
I know this is difficult but you will get through this and be a lot stronger on the other side.
Get out with some friends this weekend, go for a run.
Try to take the focus off him and concentrate on you and your children.
I have had to pick myself up and meeting up with a new girlfriend who has walked through similar steps. What keeps me stuck sometimes is the thought that he will go all the way through with the D. But I know that to be a real DBer is to take him out of the equation and focus on myself and my children.
I decided to start a new thread unless this is frowned upon. My WAH looks depressed and sad when he comes over. We have been on friendly terms but I miss him terribly. I officially got served last tuesday and found out he started drinking after 20 years of not doing so. That was extremely sad and disheartening to say the least. He is numbing his feelings with alcohol. He initially said he was unhappy and did not feel safe in our relationship but as time goes on he looks less happy and miserable. He has been initiating more conversation and asking where I am going all the time. I try to be realistic and just think that he served me and it trying to buy a house so i should not get my hopes up. Today he was here most of the day. He came over and hung to help with these new puppies I now have (guilty much??). I saw him lying on the bed and at one point he looked at me and I looked back with the yearning face. I had to pull away because it was too hard. I miss him so so much. I do not recognize him anymore. He is so full of pain. We are supposed to talk about the child custody portion of the papers soon since I have until the 19th to respond to the paperwork. I am so depressed. I have been DBing but detachment is the hardest. Most people have been telling me he seems to be hitting rock bottom now with the drinking and I am assuming the shame. Any thoughts?
Today he was here most of the day. He came over and hung to help with these new puppies I now have . I saw him lying on the bed and at one point he looked at me and I looked back with the yearning face.
I dont really understand - why are you spending so much time together right now? I say if he is over to see the kids, then you should go out and do something. Not hang around him like one of your puppies
Or have him take the kids somewhere else.
(guilty much??)
I am assuming the shame. Any thoughts?
This is you projecting what you would expect he is feeling onto him. Just worry about what youre doing and feeling.
I decided to start a new thread unless this is frowned upon.
read my first post
stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Hey it is annoying to me but now we have these puppies and I wanted him to take care of all their needs on Saturday because I was not the one who bought them. I left for 5 hours because I could not be around it. I am supposed to talk to him about the time with the kids tonight but all I am going to give him is my proposed schedule and he can look at it and make his own desired adjustments. He works far away and does not have much flexibility in his schedule so he cant get exactly what he wants. My D's come first. He is a good man but marred with depression and hopelessness. I am so distraught inside.
So I grabbed the vaccines for these dogs because I cant have them here unvaccinated. He is supposed to come by in an hour to take them to my neighbors to receive the shots. I have to give him the schedule that I came up with for our D's for custody. This is all so scary and new. I have a huge paper due for grad school and honestly do not want to talk to him about the schedule. I just want to hand him the sheet of paper. How can I do that without being rude. I think one of the main reasons he finds himself in this predicament is his depression. It has been around for many many years and he has been suicidal in the past. Due you think that depression leads to MLC or a WAH? I feel that if he were on medication the world would seem like a better place for him. Thoughts?
Im struggling so bad. I think he might be having an emotional affair because anytime he is here he is on it. One of his close friends that during their 5 am workout he was texting someone and giggling the whole time. My mind is a mess. He served me last week and I am so scared. I need advice direction and help. We are on much better terms and he initiates conversations and the like but I feel so lost. HELP!!!
I am struggling so bad right now!!
Winner, I know how you feel. You can read my thread. It's disheartening because the DB book creates a lot of hope but I kept trying to find some statistics and found that only 5 - 10% of relationships can be saved when they get to this point. So statistically speaking I don't think the DB techniques can guarantee success but perhaps can increase your chance of being in that 10%. There also are some loose statistics about 5 - 10% of people reconciling and re-marrying after divorce. I wish DB had its own statistics or more data available about its success rate. I know they say DB is about improving yourself and not just about saving your marriage, but we buy the book because we want to save our marriages and I wish there could be a stronger promise that there's a way to save a marriage right at the end. Anyway, I'm struggling a lot just like you. Your situation sounds much better though, actually, because your husband is talking to you and you're seeing some changes in him. Maybe there's still hope. I'm not sure about the depression. It seems he has to want to be on medication and there may not be much you can do about it. It would be helpful for people in our situations to know how to interact with our spouses after divorce. For example you'll still care about your husband and be concerned about him after the divorce goes through, if it does. What do you do then?
THANK YOU!! You give me some solace. I love him dearly and it breaks my heart to see my marriage go this route. I cant control his actions and I need to keep repeating that to myself. I am currently working with DB coach and it helps a lot. Did you talk to any DB coaches? He helps me see things differently and look at all the things that I am missing. That always gives me hope but then it gets lost when all other suspicions arise of possible EA's that I am not aware of.
I also need advice on tomorrow. WAH wants to talk about parent time with the girls for the future. All I want to do is collapse but I have to get myself together. I do not want to spend an hour on it but the minimal time tomorrow because this is going to take a lot of back and forth. Any suggestions because all I want to do is hug him and cry.
You have to change your thought patterns and THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT. Statistics show that our minds have about 50,000 random thoughts per day. Most of them are NEGATIVE. Once I started feeding on positives, I feel ALOT BETTER. I have a WAS, and she packed up and moved and took my kids. I can't control what she did, but I get to choose HOW I RESPOND. Go to youtube and type in 'marriage restoration'. They are some good stories. You are what you focus on. What a difference A DAY MAKES.
Thank you!!! I actually am doing that right now. There are some hopeful videos. It is difficult when you let yourself get stuck in the fog. To watch your whole life kind of be taken away. But you are correct, your thoughts become your reality.
Why is detaching so hard? It is hard to let go but I know that it is necessary for the WAH to want to work on our marriage. I dont chase or pursue or anything of that sort. But I struggle with a lot of pain and despair. Letting go of control that I do not really have is a torture in and of itself.
I need some help. Yesterday was intense. WAH wanted to talk about the parenting plan even though he served me last week. I have been hesitant because there wasnt much to talk about and I already prepared my response to the papers to be filed on the 19th. He was super angry and came over at 7. He apparently had an IC an hour before. So when he walked him he looked calm. I remained calm and we went through some parenting time stuff which honestly was the same thing we had been doing before. He begins to tell me that he is closing on a house the following week. I had an idea that he was doing that but I explained the legal and financial rights that I have and that was fine.
This is where I am not sure if I did wrong. I have had my suspicions of him having an EA or having had a one night stand. As he is walking to his car I asked him to respond honestly. I asked him if he had cheated on me, having an EA or PA etc. He looked stunned and immediately stated why I was asking. I then replied that it was a yes or no answer. He said no but I have known him for 16 years so I feel really strongly that there is something. He walked to his car and left. This morning he came to get our oldest D for school and I accidentally gave him a hug on autopilot. I feel so dumb and lost and confused and hopeless. I am not sure if this marriage can be saved. I am trying to save myself first but lately it has been so hard. I need so much support!!!
He said no but I have known him for 16 years so I feel really strongly that there is something.
I hate to say this, but trust your gut. I knew when my XW's heart wasn't in it any more, and I could somehow feel that there was someone else (I was right).
Don't worry about the hug. Little mistakes happen, and it's not going to make any difference in the scheme of things.
I feel so dumb and lost and confused and hopeless. I am not sure if this marriage can be saved. I am trying to save myself first but lately it has been so hard. I need so much support!!!
Hang in there. Do you have a network of people IRL that you can confide in? That will really help.
Do you have any GAL activities? Even if you're busy with school, you need to find time to have fun and try to find some enjoyment in life outside of your sitch. It will really help you deal with things.
Thank you. Yes I am pretty certain there is something going on!! I remember my therapist telling me last week that I knew more than I think I knew. And little things have been unfolding. I deserve to know after 16 years. Whether it started before the BD or after it does not matter. How do try to have "hope" in this sitch? I made an appt with my DB coach today
Hope is a very tricky thing, and no one can tell you if and when to give it up. That's completely up to you. If everyone tells you it's too late, but you still have hope (even if you don't understand why), hold on to that hope.
But also be smart. Look out for yourself. Don't let your hope blind you to your sitch.
You deserve to know about the A, but you may never get an answer. I know that hurts. But there may come a time where you have to give up trying to find out, to save your sanity.
Thank you and yes hope is tricky because you feel so vulnerable and naive. I am taking care of myself legally which is good but it makes this so real. My DB coach Chuck was a godsend today. He helped pull me out of the desperation funk. He gave me pointers and helped me see some hopeful things. What is difficult is showing my WAH that I am on board while I am dying inside. My exact thoughts are " How the hell is acting like I agree on the D going to make him want to reconcile?"
Today I had an epiphany. I have been praying for two days to learn how to detach. And "letting him go" is the only way to get him back honestly. This does not mean that I let go of my family and my marriage but I cannot save my husband. I can continue to do the 180 and do it for me. At the end of the day, if my WAH comes back it is not because I controlled him. It is because I had to let him go to find himself. I am saddened and grieving but I need to take care of myself. The person that I love does not exist today. He is so lost. I hope that he can turn this around but I cannot focus on that. I will hold space for that but honestly I have to let him go. I told him that I cannot do family dinners on Sunday because it is too painful. He looked surprised but it is too hurtful for me. It is also condoning that he can have his cake and eat it too. And I will not encourage that. Thoughts?
Don't know if you have seen this version of the definition of DB detaching, but I'm going to copy & past one that seems easier to really grasp, than the one in the homework links.
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."
IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -
We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.
Thank you Sandy. Detaching is hard but it needs to be done. If my goal is to save my marriage I need to save myself and not focus on saving my spouse. Right?
I need help. My WAH was taking odds and ends to his new house today. I tried to not be around because it was too painful. I told him that I did not want him to be here for family dinners on Sunday. It is not good for me and that he could take the girls every other Sunday. Today I reminded him that he had to take the girls tomorrow. He then proceeded to tell me "Where do you want me to take them?" At that moment I wanted to say " IDGAF!!! Figure it out" But I didn't. Instead I said "IDK call your sisters."
The guilt set inside but I was not rude but honest. I cannot do it and pretend we are a happy family when he is choosing to leave. Also, WAH is choosing this because he claims to not want to be with me so he does not get to eat my food and sit with me. Maybe it is the wrong attitude but I cannot coddle this behavior. What do you think?
Are you doing it to try to punish him or for your mental health?
I asked myself that before letting him know. I felt a but conflicted because I do love having him here but then it gets hurtful because he continues to be moving forward with the D and it becomes too painful. So I told him nicely but that he could come every other week. When he is here I get my hopes up and that is the painful part. I am not sure sometimes because my DB coach encourages to be with him when I am not pursuing but then on the boards it often says something different.
I guess for me the hard part is knowing when you are being taken advantage of or if it is a good move. Hence, having him here for Sunday dinners feels good but then he starts to pack up things for his new life. This is where I am stuck.
W,
I think at this point you have to accept that he is moving forward with the D. If you want to have him over every other Sunday for dinners for the sake of the kids that is fine. You should have zero expectations and show him a woman only a fool would leave. These sitchs take years to unfold.
Thank you! I have come to the realization and probably the acceptance that I can only influence anything my cleaning my side of the street. I am grieving so badly and it is overwhelming. I look at him and want to hug him and smell him but I cant. The acceptance is the hard part.
When you say years it seems so daunting!!!!
W,
I know but you are smart to know that will only make things worse. I remember in the beginning I would just wander around the neighborhood aimlessly. Everything was overwhelming but with time I promise you it gets better. I am getting divorced my w still lives w me and I can’t wait until she moves out. It took three years to play out. Just try to get a little better every day.
What are his complaints other then your brief ea?
He states that he cannot trust me because I have gone over the budget. But honestly the budget thing is just excuses. Im not saying that it should be ignored but it is not a reason to divorce spouse. He has serious depression which he refuses to treat and a grass is greener mentality. We actually have a great friendship, intense attraction, similar senses of humor and so on. We are compatible in so many regards. My opinion is that he spun into a deep depression again and the budget thing put him over the edge. I think he may talking to someone which only perpetuates the "leaving" mentality. I turn in my response to the divorce papers on the 19th.
I have to completely detach at this point. Because the only way to ever reconcile is to let him go. At this point he does not want to be saved.
I have to completely detach at this point. Because the only way to ever reconcile is to let him go. At this point he does not want to be saved.
I am sorry you are going through this. It is a difficult thing I know.
Take detachment one step at a time.
I have long held to the believe that detachment is not a place or final action.
It is a constant state of choice and actions.
Start small
One can not lose 50 pounds in one night.
One must start with actions of diet and exercise to lose first one pound then another.
Pain and temptation from old habits will work to deter the person aiming for health through weight loss.
Detachment is much the same.
You can not "completely detach over night.
You will need to take small actions first.
You will work to not react to physical feelings at the thought of him, or in his presence.
You want to halt thoughts of understanding all that he does or says...
You will work towards changing habits of attachment that have formed over time.
Take it one small step at a time.
It is exactly like that! Detachment is hard and I need to be kind to myself because I still want to be married. Has detachment helped you and how are spouses receptive to this change? I know that it is difficult at this juncture of the process seeing that my response is due to court this Friday. I am in knots!!!
It is exactly like that! Detachment is hard and I need to be kind to myself because I still want to be married. Has detachment helped you and how are spouses receptive to this change? I know that it is difficult at this juncture of the process seeing that my response is due to court this Friday. I am in knots!!!
Detachment can be hard when one first attempts to do so...
So is
quitting smoking...
Eating healthy...
Exercising...
biting ones nails...
But only because of the poor habits that have been formed over such a long period of time...
Yes, being kind and patient is an important factor.
But more than that, implementing new habits to replace the old is the key.
One of the first steps you need to take is to decide now, that you are not beginning the practice of detachment with the goal that a spouse or any other person is receptive.
This is not about them...it is about you.
Curiously it is the same if one is trying to,
quit smoking
eat healthy
exercise
nail biting
It is rare that one ever successfully creates new habits for another person.
Why you may ask?
Because as soon as the other person does not reciprocate...you will ultimately give up and quit.
The act and habit of healthy detachment is for your emotional and mental health.
Not the benefit of impressing or getting someone else to be or do what you want.
It is for you and only you.
My goal is not to hand out a 2X4, as I know the twisted knots that come on as the events of the legal proceedings approach...but taking the approach that "detachment' is the magic that will make it all go away is not beneficial in the scope of it all.
My goal is to encourage you to pause...breath...breath some more...and begin the acceptance that you have no control over the STBX.
But...
You have complete control over the thoughts that you will accept and the actions that you can take.
Be kind to yourself.
Set a goal to try something small each day.
Meditation
Speak with a counselor, friend or someone you trust to let out the pressure of it all.
Take a way out doors, start an activity that can remove your mind from the swirl of negative thoughts.
Seek support and comfort here.
The small things can and will move you forward.
It will take work...but as the journey I have travelled, I can assure you can do it if you put in the work and take one small step...then another...
Be well and breath.
Thank you so much for taking the time you took to reply. Yes I am nervous and this starts. My WAH talks to me more openly but I cannot see him in there anymore. I still long for that man that I used to know. These small things make it even more difficult to detach. I have begun to invest in myself and I can see some hope in ME here and there throughout the day. This has to be a positive sign right? In your process, did your WAW mention anything about your detachment process?
Yes I am nervous and this starts.
To be expected...
What action can you take to calm the nerves?
My WAH talks to me more openly but I cannot see him in there anymore. I still long for that man that I used to know.
Perhaps he speaks more openly because he no longer fears things that he feels led him to his decision...
Perhaps you simply perceive he speaks more openly...
I beleive an important rule that we learn in this neighborhood applies and is a salve needed for your healing and in taking those first steps toward the state of detachment...believe nothing he says and only half of what he does.
Perspective tweak for you to ponder...
Attachment is a source of pain...
Is “longing” of a memory that may not be accurate a choice?
Is the memory of the man you used to know a fantasized memory and desire?
These are the unhealthy habits you will learn to replace if you choose the healthy approach to detaching.
These small things make it even more difficult to detach. I have begun to invest in myself and I can see some hope in ME here and there throughout the day.
The poor choice of having a cupboard full of cookies and cake are small things that make healthy eating difficult.
Continuing to evaluate if you “see him in there” and “longing” for a memory of a person in the past are most certainly the equivalent of a choice that you make...
How can you make choices to make this easier for yourself?
Hope is a powerful choice and ingredient for progress..and it requires action to for the recipe to result in desired outcome.
What action will you take?
This has to be a positive sign right?
Are you referring to HOPE as the positive sign?
Perhaps hope is simply the spark that can ignite the process...my journey has taught me that action is the core ingredient for all positive lasting outcomes...my 2 cents
In your process, did your WAW mention anything about your detachment process?
Would my response to your question influence your resolve to do the work required to learn and practice the art of healthy detachment?
What are you truely aiming to accomplish for yourself?
The answer to this question is where peace and strength can be attained.
You are so great in self reflection. You are accurate in my possible false assumption of what is really there. I do think about what we learn here- to believe none of what they say and half of what they do. Right now, he is does not live here and is buying a house. He seems to have this false illusion that we are going to have this miraculous amicable divorce without emotion. I am not looking to be a jerk but I cannot be a doormat either.
I like that you caught my seeking assurance with the detachment question posed to you! You are also accurate in that assessment.
I am going with a friend on friday to turn in my response to the court. I am being cooperative and sent him an excel sheet with all of our financials on there so he can fill in his part.
I have to look back at our memories and be realistic about the events. It becomes difficult when you long for that connection to overlook at the realistic toxic relationship patterns. In all honesty, he has not been a great spouse. I am saying this because I was not perfect either. But the truth also is that we had a great friendship and fun in many other areas. 16 years tossed to the side is incredibly difficult to swallow and im devastated.
I am upping my exercise game and my spiritual connection with God. But the hard part is the detachment of what our relationship was and his view of looking at all of it from a negative perspective.
Today has been gloomy. I went out to a friends house to get away from this space. My WAH called and wanted to talk about the excel sheet I sent regarding finances. I was courteous but really did not want to discuss it over the phone. He stated that he was taking our 3 D's out for Valentines tomorrow. Tomorrow is going to be a hard one i wont pretend. And then I have 3 days after that to turn in my response to him serving me. I am utterly exhausted. I am drained. I am really trying to let him go but man it is a difficult process. I think about reconciliation and how great that would be but I know that I cannot have that when I still cannot detach.
I wish I could wake up from this nightmare.
I need advice. Yesterday my WAH had the most productive conversation we have ever had IMHO. He dropped off our youngest D and brought over the excel sheet I sent him with financials. His hands were shaking as he was showing me his additions to the sheet. I had prayed all day about being in tune with the spirit and talk to him. I need help understanding if what I did was pursuing or not. Here is our convo:
Me: I know this is difficult to see all of our hard work broken down on a sheet of paper.
WAH: This has not been easy for me either
Me: You know David I am meeting you were you are. You are asking for a D and I am giving that to you. Although we may disagree on this decision, I am giving you what you are asking for .
WAH: I hope you dont think that I am being malicious but I do not want this. But I believe that this is what WE need
Me: I am going to ask that you use I statements because honestly this is a unilateral decision. I have realized that I do not need you but I love you. Those are 2 different things. Yes it will not be easy but I have to look at our relationship and identify the codependency. I DONT NEED YOU BUT I LOVE YOU. There is a difference.
WAH: (He looks shocked and just nodded and put his head down)
Me: If this is the journey that our marriage needs to take then it is.
WAH: You have never begged for me to stay or groveled and I have appreciated that. I promise that if I ever feel like we can reconcile you will be the first to know whether it is during this process or after.
Me: I am not asking for reconciliation I am asking for both of us to clean up our sides of the street. I DO NOT WANT our old marriage because there was too much toxicity. But I will give you what you are asking for.
WAH: (Remains silent and sad). I may regret it and I know that...
ME: Yes you may and we will see what that looks like but that is a risk YOU are taking.
He then left. I felt so strengthened and strong. It was a mature conversation where I could be vulnerable but not desperate.
What do you think?
It sounds like it went well enough. Just try to keep in mind that you can't guilt him back. I sense maybe a little of that in the convo, like you were trying to make him feel bad and thought maybe that might soften his position. Here's the thing, he DOES feel bad. He feels terrible. But he feels JUSTIFIED. He thinks he's doing the right thing. He only feels bad because he knows it's hurting you, not because he feels it's the wrong course of action. So hang in there, be patient and try not to pressure him into further R talks.
Correct!! I was trying not to use guilt hence asking for opinions because often times in the situation your intentions are good but it still seeps through. I know he feels terrible but he feel hopeless hence the D. I felt safe in stating that I do not need him and that I would be okay because at the end of the day I WILL be and no one should need anyone. They should Love them.
This is incredibly difficult.
I need to vent!!! I want to say damn it all to hell and punch him in the face. Today he called nonstop about signing over a disclaimer claim for a house he wants to buy. No. 1 that is not my problem that you want to buy a house at this time as the our Ds can be fine in an apartment. I wont sign off until he signs off on our marital home. He was acting very nice because its all manipulation. I told him not to ask me anymore if I trust him because he is choosing to D me and so those two words should not be in the same sentence.
I f'in hate him and love him!!! I do not see any other way but to involve a mediator with finances because I feel like I am going to get screwed over. The hard part is holding your ground and self respect along with trying to DB and show them the best sides of you.
Today I really just want Jesus to take him home!!!! Tomorrow I go to court to turn in my response to the divorce papers
HELP
Are you working with a lawyer?
Not at the moment. Trying to do it without one but at this point I think Im going to get a mediator. I cant handle this crap
I highly reccomend you gather a team of some sort before making any further decisions.
Emotions appear all over the place for you...as with most in this situation
I will be forever greatful for my L and others that I gathered for my team to aid me in making decisions outside of the emotional storms. He was a central figure in the outcomes that my family benefits from to this day...including my former W. Her emotional roller coaster and demands I weathered due to the counsel I recieved, would have produced very different circumstances today...and I would have given in to some of it if not for the guidance and encouragement I got.
Do not wait on this...
This is a consistent success principle among those that have traveled before you and I can attest to the value of doing so.
Sit still with yourself and make a list of goals and values that you want out of it all...then seek out the counsel that aligns with them. Much the way MWD advises in seeking out a MC
I probably am. I am not going to get screwed over. The detachment piece seems to be incredibly difficult. He came into tonight to drop off D9 from dance and spent time with the others for an hour. I went to the bedroom. Today was long too many phone calls from WAH about his house purchase. He looked sad depleted but I looked away because I still get sucked into feeling sad. It is not that he does not deserve to feel sad or have valid grievances. It is that he is choosing to leave and his choice affects everyone. So in a sense I feel as if he does not have a right to feel sad because HE is the one choosing to leave.
Winner...
What exactly are you doing to learn and practice the art of healthy detachment?
You share much of what you perceive he is feeling, thinking, and deserving...
Running a mile is hard if you smoke a pack a day while sitting on the couch watching TV...
Put down the emotional cigarettes of defining his every action, thought, and feeling and get up off the couch and begin replacing this energy with actions that will benefit you.
Yes, this is a 2x4...
You must take action...
You must be aware of your thoughts and action
Mindfulness and meditation are powerful exercises that can produce prompt results...with consistent practice.
You have more control in all of this than you know at the moment.
You must choose to take it if you desire successful results.
“You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you.” ~James Allen
(((((winner)))))
You are always spot on with your suggestions so thank you!!! I need to put down the emotional cigarettes and need to stop focusing on his stuff. It is difficult however and it takes a lot out of me.
When you say I need to take action what do you mean? What would you suggest?
I spoke to my DB coach Chuck today which was great today. My WAH is moving some stuff out of the house tomorrow to move to his new place. His suggestions where to either help him move or if I emotionally could not do it, then let him know that and just do other things.
spoke to my DB coach Chuck today which was great today. My WAH is moving some stuff out of the house tomorrow to move to his new place. His suggestions where to either help him move or if I emotionally could not do it, then let him know that and just do other things.
Chuck is stand up coach and helped me quite a bit in the early stages...I still have a couple off sessions I can use when the time is right. It is good to hear he is still around and helping so many through these difficult times.
Pay heed to all that he coaches you on.
When you say I need to take action what do you mean?
Action is the very source of all success.
We can talk about how to do things and speak about how things should or should not be...
Without action, nothing changes.
DBing is about action...setting goals and then taking action.
We then review the actions and compare to the desired outcomes
If it is working we continue forward...if it is not we adjust and take action again.
MWD is an action oriented therapist and encourages that we seek out action oriented counselors and support, because drudging up the past to figure out all the reasons that we are "broken" or are in bad relationships does not create change...and IMHO, often times we create more monsters and demons analyzing the past because we don't truly remember it as it was...we attach meaning where there was none...
But that is conversation for another time.
You have spoken of your desire and need to detach...healthily I hope...but I have not heard what steps you are taking...
What have you done to learn and practice the art of healthy detachment?
I can suggest ideas as I learn what you have done so far.
Always love your feedback!! Chuck has been so instrumental in my journey. In regards to action, I start doing ok with the actions such GAL and 180's but then i fall apart for a day. I then start to GAL and do 180s again. What is difficult and what causes me to remain stuck and undetached is when I watch him make more steps into the divorce.
For example, he is moving into his sisters house. This caused so many emotions in me and then I broke down for a day or two. I know that detachment is a process. In all honesty, I think I fear detachment because deep down it scares me to know that if I detach he is gone forever.
I am well aware, that this is not true and that I cannot control his behaviors nor his choices. But if I am being honest, this is what is probably causing me to remain stuck.
People come to these forums to find support. I know for me this was the main reason as well as to hear success stories. The reconciliation stories are hopeful but are few and then sometimes I feel defeated. This is the honest truth.
I keep thinking about what my husband said last " I do not want a divorce but it is what I need." This kills me and I hate it
sorry " this is what WE need"
In regards to action, I start doing ok with the actions such GAL and 180's but then i fall apart for a day. I then start to GAL and do 180s again.
Why do you GAL and 180?
What goals are you trying to accomplish with these actions?
In your answers to these questions, you will find strength...or that which is holding you back.
Ponder on that for a bit.
Many of us fall apart at times throughout this process...be accepting of this...and self forgiving when it happens.
What is difficult and what causes me to remain stuck and undetached is when I watch him make more steps into the divorce. example, he is moving into his sisters house. This caused so many emotions in me and then I broke down for a day or two./quote]
Watching him proceed with the D is difficult...but it is not what causes you to remain stuck and un-detached.
To accept that as your reason for being stuck is the equivilent of the chain smoker saying that the cigarettes he smokes are the reason he does not get up and exercise so that he can improve his health.
Will there be hurt and pain?
Yes...
Will it hurt to take action to heal?
Yes...
You choose if you are to work towards progress...or lose another day due to his actions...pain accompanies both choices...but one will lend to healing and strength.
The other offers simply hurt and pain with no gain.
[quote=winner] I know that detachment is a process.
Yes it is...it is also a choice.
Much like good physical health is a process
and a choice.
In all honesty, I think I fear detachment because deep down it scares me to know that if I detach he is gone forever.
Fear is one of the biggest symptoms of codependency and very unhealthy attachment issues.
The irony in your statement here, is that your fear of detachment has nothing to do with whether he is gone forever or not...
I am well aware, that this is not true and that I cannot control his behaviors nor his choices. But if I am being honest, this is what is probably causing me to remain stuck.
Remaining stuck is simply a choice...do you choose to get up and put in the work?
Or will you remain stuck and allow fear to convince you that his actions are causing you to stay stuck?
People come to these forums to find support. I know for me this was the main reason as well as to hear success stories. The reconciliation stories are hopeful but are few and then sometimes I feel defeated. This is the honest truth. [/quote=winner]
So very true...we all came here for support and to see success stories.
Sadly, many leave here because there definition of support does not match the reality of what support is provided here.
They also leave because they do not find their "definition" of success stories here.
Either way, they leave and forfeit the support and success because they were attached to what they believed to be the only way forward.
I came here to find stories of LBS that were able to reconcile...and as you say, there are very few...but I disagree with you about the success stories.
This forum is full of them...there are amazing people that have stuck around here for years paying it forward because their stories have become stories of success.
I am grateful every day that folks here are quick to share the true principles and signs of success, and that I was able to recognize and embrace it...DB from MWD is prompt to point out in all of her guidance, that the steps we can follow create the best chance to reconcile, but even though the true chance of that happening is slim, we can find ourselves and become the much better version of ourselves that we can be.
This my dear winner is a cold, hard, wonderful and amazing truth in the thick of all that we each go through.
Are you willing to accept this?
Without acceptance of this truth...defeat is inevitable.
[quote=winner]
I keep thinking about what my husband said last " I do not want a divorce but it is what I need." This kills me and I hate it
Rumination is a very unhealthy habit for the emotional well being of a person. You need to take action for this as it will wear you out.
winner,
I know this feels very much like a barrage of 2X4's, that is not my intent, but I share this because the journey of a thousand miles starts with one step.
You know what they say about eating an elephant...
You asked what I suggest you start with...
Let's start with you reading the detachment thread that you received in Cadet's welcome post.
Detachment Once you have read and studied it, share a plan of action that you will begin.
I would also recommend you seek out assistance in the form of an IC, coach or trusted friend to assist you. This will require that you have some guidance and accountability for your progress.
And my other recommendation is to look into meditation
This has been instrumental in my efforts to sort out the chaotic thoughts that can lead us down the tunnels of despair.
You can find a myriad of material and resources for this. Find what works for you...but make a goal to be consistent with it...consistency is key.
I can relate to the challenges that you share.
I can tell you, that with persistent, intentional action, you can, and will gain the strength needed to get to a place that you will forever be grateful for.
You owe it to yourself to do so.
(((((winner)))))
Another suggestion...
Having a tribe here in the forum can add to your support and growth.
creating one, can be done by venturing to others threads and sharing support and guidance.
This helps in many ways.
When you are supporting others, you help them...and you help yourself, because it is hard to share wisdom without practicing it...
Venture out a bit.
Helping others returns 100 fold...
I pray that you are well winner
I hope you are finding moments of peace and calm
Today he called nonstop about signing over a disclaimer claim for a house he wants to buy. No. 1 that is not my problem that you want to buy a house at this time as the our Ds can be fine in an apartment. I wont sign off until he signs off on our marital home. He was acting very nice because its all manipulation. I told him not to ask me anymore if I trust him because he is choosing to D me and so those two words should not be in the same sentence.
I think this is an opportunity for you to set a boundary and then enforce that you don't want to discuss it. There is absolutely no reason why he should be getting a new house by himself in the middle of a divorce.
On another note, i saw on here you were also having issues when he come over to the house for visits. I think letting him over to your place for visitation while you are there is a bad idea. Why can't he bring the kids over where he is staying (his sister's i think i read)? That way, your interaction with him is less.
On the other hand, i guess your couch is behind that, but with the understanding that you detach i suppose? Know your limits though.
I do not see any other way but to involve a mediator with finances because I feel like I am going to get screwed over. The hard part is holding your ground and self respect along with trying to DB and show them the best sides of you.
HELP
Keep in mind that a mediator is supposed to have both of your interests at heart. If you want someone to look after your interests, get yourself a lawyer.
When my XW first started talking divorce, she wanted it all done my a mediator..easy, quick, and she kept saying amicable as i've seen you say in your thread(s). Quite frankly, IMO divorce shouldn't be a easy out for anyone to just have an amicable divorce where everyone is happy with the outcome. My thought are why even say the vows if you are going to abandon them with such ease?
The underlying thing is that if you are mired in these details and talking with him over these details, you will have an even more difficult time detaching. Even with a lawyer providing me advice and the W and I not directly talking to each other about these details, just the thought of the details made it hard for me to detach. I can only imagine what you must be putting yourself through.
People come to these forums to find support. I know for me this was the main reason as well as to hear success stories. The reconciliation stories are hopeful but are few and then sometimes I feel defeated.
Looking for hope in the reconciliation stories was what led me to this as well as any other forum that had such stories. It felt good to see someone have it work after doing the work to make it happen even if the stats showed it is quite rare.
On a sidenote, i even got kind of a success story from my lawyer as well. She said that she had represented clients again in a couple of divorces where the couple had gotten back together. Looking at it from the perspective of this forum, that would tell me that if you don't improve yourself (and the other S doesn't improve as well), then you are doomed to repeat the same mistakes. This would also apply if someone remarried without taking some lessons from what went wrong during the D.
Then i look at the thread of people and see that the key to most of the successes was because the people in the marriage both improved themselves. Me, i think i've improved, but i see that even now, i still need improvement. SH has been giving you good advice and pointing you in the direction of improving yourself.
Anyway, i hang in there!