Sandi's Reflections - Part 2 - 01/01/18 04:48 AM
I talk a lot about respect and how it ties to a wife's loving feelings for her H. So, I started typing this list of things I've heard other women talk about in their M's, and what I have read on the board. Then I thought maybe I should look online to see if I could gleam anything else. Frankly I was disappointed at the weak articles I saw (although I admit I only looked at, maybe, a half dozen). They just didn't have any meat to it, if you know what I mean. So, I'll just make up my own list. I invite other women to join in and add something I've missed. And of course, the men are welcome, too.
Obviously, I can't list everything, but maybe give some general areas that come to mind. They are not listed by any sort of priority or importance. Please forgive me, if anyone sees that I did not use proper terms, or if I omitted something very important and common. I probably should have taken time to think this out, but my usual style is shooting from the hip anyway. I have not experienced most of the things on this list, but I listen to other women and I read a lot.....if that counts. These are only my opinions. I have not copied from anything else, except for two places, which I noted.
*********************************************************************
Reasons women lose attraction and respect for their H:
* The H is abusive (physically, verbally, mentally/emotionally) to his W and/or children.
* The H places his family in harms way. For whatever reason, he does not protect his wife and/or children.
* The H is guilty of any type of crime/abuse (reported or unreported), especially against children, women and the helpless. If the H is incarcerated, it places hardship, anguish, embarrassment, and sometimes...shame, on his family.
* The H won't hold down a job. He's not a good provider. He gets the couple in higher debt. He misuses finances. He may have a job she sees as "beneath him", doesn't pay enough, and he won't try to better himself. The H may have sank their life savings or took out a second mortgage for him to start his own business....and then the business fails.
* The H is an alcoholic, drug addict, gambling addict, porn addict, gaming addict, etc.....and, he won't seek help. He won't take responsibility for the suffering that affects all areas of the family's lives, due to his addictions.
* The H is not a good father. He is a terrible role model. He may be abusive. He punishes the children, instead of teaching discipline. He takes his anger out on them. He is too harsh, condescending, always on their backs, never praises them, has unrealistic expectations.....especially from a young son. He does not spend quality time with the kids. Does not do his share of parenting, b/c he sees it as being the W's job to raise the kids. He is not careful of the language or subject matter he uses around his kids. He does not show respect for their mother, nor teaches them to show her respect. He does not teach his children how to be a good person and how to deal with life while living by a code of integrity, ethics, values, etc. He does not show nor teach them about the importance of love, kindness, compassion, joy, peace, etc. In other words, what he passes along to his children is everything negative.....especially about fathers.
* The H has had an EA/PA. He flirts with other women, even in front of his W. The H is guilty of inappropriate behavior with women. He compares his W to other women, making her feel inadequate and insecure. He openly shows how he is checking out another woman, in the presence of his W. He talks excessively about the new woman at work and cannot praise her enough. He wants his W to change her hair color or dress like a particular woman he knows. He talks about marriage as if it is his prison and his W is the warden. He makes unfunny jokes or comments about marriage, wives, playing around on the W, etc. He talks and behaves as if other women is the only topic that is ever on his mind.
* The H suffers from some type of emotional/mental condition and refuses to see a doctor or take the prescribed medication, attend therapy, etc......to control the condition.
* The H lacks male dominance. (The following was taken from another source). He lacks the take-charge ingredient when it comes to the MR and family life. His role models have been the TV sitcom H's who are the laid back, hen-pecked, passive types. He mistakenly believes that the way to a happy marriage is to let his W be in charge of everything, resulting in her ruling the roost. TV shows portray marriages that have a domineering W, with a somewhat dim-witted H who just happily goes along with whatever his W wants. In real life, those ingredients do not produce a happy W. It produces a W who disrespects her passive H who lacks male dominance in their MR and in the family home.
* The H does most of the housework. (The following was taken from another source): "A common mistake that modern men make in marriages is to copy the fictional relationships they see on TV drama shows or sitcoms, follow the advice of politically correct TV talk show hosts and believe the advice from random articles online that are not written by male relationship experts who are actually in a successful, happy relationship with a woman".
* The H is constantly rude and inconsiderate of her (and others). He embarrasses her in front of others. He talks down to her or makes fun at her expense in front of her children, family, friends, and in public. His manners are terrible. He is too loud (talking, laughing, poking at others, drawing attention, etc.) in public or in a group setting. He gets drunk and acts out in front of others. He may cuss or use vulgar language toward her and/or others while in public or a small group.
* The H is a chronic liar. He will tell a lie when the truth would serve him better. The W cannot believe anything that comes out of his mouth.
* The H is untrustworthy, unreliable, and undependable. He may use an excuse, or he may apologize, but he doesn't change.
* The H is lazy. He is a couch potato and thinks weekends should be spent in front of the TV and drinking beer. He won't take care of the lawn, the car, repairs, etc. If his W wants to have friends over, he won't lift his finger to help with the kids, etc. He's just pretty worthless when it comes to getting him to move his a$$.
* The H never admits he was wrong or takes responsibility for his mistakes. He blames others or the situation for his failures. He is arrogant. The H won't listen to her views or concerns. He doesn't respect the opinion of others. He thinks he is right and everyone else is wrong....regardless of what it is. When watching TV, he gets drawn into the program....making condensing or vulgar remarks, even in front of the children. His negativity is always present in his interaction with others. She worries that the children will pick up his bad habits.
* The H has a victim mentality. No matter the situation, he sees himself and portrays himself as a victim.
* The H is a control freak. This goes beyond a healthy interest or concern. He wants to control every aspect of the W (what she does, where she goes, who she talks to, what she wears, when she can visit her parents, etc.).
* The H is a mean jerk. He bullies, belittles, dares, threatens, and pokes at his W and kids regularly.
* The H is emotionally insecure. He is jealous, suspicious, fears, worries, expects the worst case scenario, gets anxious, etc. He doubts himself as a man. He needs constant assurances from his W that everything is fine.
* The H has no pride. He doesn't care about his personal appearance. He has allowed himself to gain too much weight, wears unflattering clothes, and has less than perfect personal grooming habits. He has no pride in keeping the vehicles washed and in working order. He has no pride in how the outside of his house looks, the yard, etc. He develops the habits of a slob, and won't clean up his own messes.
* The H has too much of the negative side of the Nice Guy Syndrome. He is passive, won't stand up to anyone, won't enforce disrespected boundaries, avoids conflict at all cost, over explains himself, etc.
* The H is a Mamma's boy. He has the Nice Guy Syndrome, usually. His mother (or both parents) takes priority over his W. If his parents and his W don't have a good relationship, he tries to be the buffer.....but generally will lean toward his parents. If his parents make snide remarks, complaints, accusations, or undermines his W, he stays tight lipped instead of defending his W and standing up to his parents. If his mother and W are jealous of the time/attention/devotion he gives the other one......he will choose his mother.
* The H lacks compassion, patience, tenderness, and understanding. He resents his W's complaints or her attempts to discuss the need for him to have these traits. Instead of trying, he grows colder, harder and more impatient with her and the children.
* The H is selfish in every area of his life. Self-gratification is priority for him, and if his W and kids don't understand, that's too bad.
The H is a hypochondriac and misses work at the first sniffle. If the W is sick, he tries to be sicker than her. He wants her undivided attention on his needs. He drains her b/c he is always focused on himself and how he feels.
* The H interferes with her employment (example: gets mad at her boss or co-workers and causes a scene at work, instead of staying out of her business and let her handle it). B/c of his interference and causing trouble at her job site, she may lose her employment there. When she tries to "vent" about her work, her H tells her what she needs to do to fix the problem, instead of just listening and validating. Instead of being supportive of her career or profession, he tears her down, complains about it, or even tries to undermine it in some way.
* The H has a job that is considered lower ranked on the success ladder, than his W. He may have worked while she went to school to have a professional career. He was financially supporting her schooling, and paying their bills. After her career takes off, she begins to see him having a lesser important job, with lesser responsibility, and lesser income. She begins to treat him like one of her employees, except with less respect. He has done nothing wrong, but it is a glitch in the W and how she views her H from her new successful pedestal. In our modern world, we are seeing more couples dealing with this issue. Women need to "look up" to their H. If she is not mature enough, or they don't have a very strong/happy MR.....it can negatively influence the light of "success" she sees her H. She sees herself as "outgrowing" him. We often see this scenario play out when the H is a SAHD. In most cases....the W's attraction and respect will begin to fade.
*********************************************************************
I don't know if all this will fit onto one post/page. I guess we'll find out. I'm sure I've left something out that is important, so I welcome your comments.
Series Links
Links to this series of threads
First thread
For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554&page=1
Second thread
For the Newcomer LBH who has a wayward wife Part 2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2548490#Post2548490
Third thread
For the LBH who has a WW Part 3
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2551039#Post2551039
4th thread
Guide for LBH who has a Wayward Wife
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2551811#Post2551811
5th thread
Help for LBH who has a WW
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2593214#Post2593214
6th thread
Sandi's Reflections
Obviously, I can't list everything, but maybe give some general areas that come to mind. They are not listed by any sort of priority or importance. Please forgive me, if anyone sees that I did not use proper terms, or if I omitted something very important and common. I probably should have taken time to think this out, but my usual style is shooting from the hip anyway. I have not experienced most of the things on this list, but I listen to other women and I read a lot.....if that counts. These are only my opinions. I have not copied from anything else, except for two places, which I noted.
*********************************************************************
Reasons women lose attraction and respect for their H:
* The H is abusive (physically, verbally, mentally/emotionally) to his W and/or children.
* The H places his family in harms way. For whatever reason, he does not protect his wife and/or children.
* The H is guilty of any type of crime/abuse (reported or unreported), especially against children, women and the helpless. If the H is incarcerated, it places hardship, anguish, embarrassment, and sometimes...shame, on his family.
* The H won't hold down a job. He's not a good provider. He gets the couple in higher debt. He misuses finances. He may have a job she sees as "beneath him", doesn't pay enough, and he won't try to better himself. The H may have sank their life savings or took out a second mortgage for him to start his own business....and then the business fails.
* The H is an alcoholic, drug addict, gambling addict, porn addict, gaming addict, etc.....and, he won't seek help. He won't take responsibility for the suffering that affects all areas of the family's lives, due to his addictions.
* The H is not a good father. He is a terrible role model. He may be abusive. He punishes the children, instead of teaching discipline. He takes his anger out on them. He is too harsh, condescending, always on their backs, never praises them, has unrealistic expectations.....especially from a young son. He does not spend quality time with the kids. Does not do his share of parenting, b/c he sees it as being the W's job to raise the kids. He is not careful of the language or subject matter he uses around his kids. He does not show respect for their mother, nor teaches them to show her respect. He does not teach his children how to be a good person and how to deal with life while living by a code of integrity, ethics, values, etc. He does not show nor teach them about the importance of love, kindness, compassion, joy, peace, etc. In other words, what he passes along to his children is everything negative.....especially about fathers.
* The H has had an EA/PA. He flirts with other women, even in front of his W. The H is guilty of inappropriate behavior with women. He compares his W to other women, making her feel inadequate and insecure. He openly shows how he is checking out another woman, in the presence of his W. He talks excessively about the new woman at work and cannot praise her enough. He wants his W to change her hair color or dress like a particular woman he knows. He talks about marriage as if it is his prison and his W is the warden. He makes unfunny jokes or comments about marriage, wives, playing around on the W, etc. He talks and behaves as if other women is the only topic that is ever on his mind.
* The H suffers from some type of emotional/mental condition and refuses to see a doctor or take the prescribed medication, attend therapy, etc......to control the condition.
* The H lacks male dominance. (The following was taken from another source). He lacks the take-charge ingredient when it comes to the MR and family life. His role models have been the TV sitcom H's who are the laid back, hen-pecked, passive types. He mistakenly believes that the way to a happy marriage is to let his W be in charge of everything, resulting in her ruling the roost. TV shows portray marriages that have a domineering W, with a somewhat dim-witted H who just happily goes along with whatever his W wants. In real life, those ingredients do not produce a happy W. It produces a W who disrespects her passive H who lacks male dominance in their MR and in the family home.
* The H does most of the housework. (The following was taken from another source): "A common mistake that modern men make in marriages is to copy the fictional relationships they see on TV drama shows or sitcoms, follow the advice of politically correct TV talk show hosts and believe the advice from random articles online that are not written by male relationship experts who are actually in a successful, happy relationship with a woman".
* The H is constantly rude and inconsiderate of her (and others). He embarrasses her in front of others. He talks down to her or makes fun at her expense in front of her children, family, friends, and in public. His manners are terrible. He is too loud (talking, laughing, poking at others, drawing attention, etc.) in public or in a group setting. He gets drunk and acts out in front of others. He may cuss or use vulgar language toward her and/or others while in public or a small group.
* The H is a chronic liar. He will tell a lie when the truth would serve him better. The W cannot believe anything that comes out of his mouth.
* The H is untrustworthy, unreliable, and undependable. He may use an excuse, or he may apologize, but he doesn't change.
* The H is lazy. He is a couch potato and thinks weekends should be spent in front of the TV and drinking beer. He won't take care of the lawn, the car, repairs, etc. If his W wants to have friends over, he won't lift his finger to help with the kids, etc. He's just pretty worthless when it comes to getting him to move his a$$.
* The H never admits he was wrong or takes responsibility for his mistakes. He blames others or the situation for his failures. He is arrogant. The H won't listen to her views or concerns. He doesn't respect the opinion of others. He thinks he is right and everyone else is wrong....regardless of what it is. When watching TV, he gets drawn into the program....making condensing or vulgar remarks, even in front of the children. His negativity is always present in his interaction with others. She worries that the children will pick up his bad habits.
* The H has a victim mentality. No matter the situation, he sees himself and portrays himself as a victim.
* The H is a control freak. This goes beyond a healthy interest or concern. He wants to control every aspect of the W (what she does, where she goes, who she talks to, what she wears, when she can visit her parents, etc.).
* The H is a mean jerk. He bullies, belittles, dares, threatens, and pokes at his W and kids regularly.
* The H is emotionally insecure. He is jealous, suspicious, fears, worries, expects the worst case scenario, gets anxious, etc. He doubts himself as a man. He needs constant assurances from his W that everything is fine.
* The H has no pride. He doesn't care about his personal appearance. He has allowed himself to gain too much weight, wears unflattering clothes, and has less than perfect personal grooming habits. He has no pride in keeping the vehicles washed and in working order. He has no pride in how the outside of his house looks, the yard, etc. He develops the habits of a slob, and won't clean up his own messes.
* The H has too much of the negative side of the Nice Guy Syndrome. He is passive, won't stand up to anyone, won't enforce disrespected boundaries, avoids conflict at all cost, over explains himself, etc.
* The H is a Mamma's boy. He has the Nice Guy Syndrome, usually. His mother (or both parents) takes priority over his W. If his parents and his W don't have a good relationship, he tries to be the buffer.....but generally will lean toward his parents. If his parents make snide remarks, complaints, accusations, or undermines his W, he stays tight lipped instead of defending his W and standing up to his parents. If his mother and W are jealous of the time/attention/devotion he gives the other one......he will choose his mother.
* The H lacks compassion, patience, tenderness, and understanding. He resents his W's complaints or her attempts to discuss the need for him to have these traits. Instead of trying, he grows colder, harder and more impatient with her and the children.
* The H is selfish in every area of his life. Self-gratification is priority for him, and if his W and kids don't understand, that's too bad.
The H is a hypochondriac and misses work at the first sniffle. If the W is sick, he tries to be sicker than her. He wants her undivided attention on his needs. He drains her b/c he is always focused on himself and how he feels.
* The H interferes with her employment (example: gets mad at her boss or co-workers and causes a scene at work, instead of staying out of her business and let her handle it). B/c of his interference and causing trouble at her job site, she may lose her employment there. When she tries to "vent" about her work, her H tells her what she needs to do to fix the problem, instead of just listening and validating. Instead of being supportive of her career or profession, he tears her down, complains about it, or even tries to undermine it in some way.
* The H has a job that is considered lower ranked on the success ladder, than his W. He may have worked while she went to school to have a professional career. He was financially supporting her schooling, and paying their bills. After her career takes off, she begins to see him having a lesser important job, with lesser responsibility, and lesser income. She begins to treat him like one of her employees, except with less respect. He has done nothing wrong, but it is a glitch in the W and how she views her H from her new successful pedestal. In our modern world, we are seeing more couples dealing with this issue. Women need to "look up" to their H. If she is not mature enough, or they don't have a very strong/happy MR.....it can negatively influence the light of "success" she sees her H. She sees herself as "outgrowing" him. We often see this scenario play out when the H is a SAHD. In most cases....the W's attraction and respect will begin to fade.
*********************************************************************
I don't know if all this will fit onto one post/page. I guess we'll find out. I'm sure I've left something out that is important, so I welcome your comments.
Series Links
Links to this series of threads
First thread
For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554&page=1
Second thread
For the Newcomer LBH who has a wayward wife Part 2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2548490#Post2548490
Third thread
For the LBH who has a WW Part 3
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2551039#Post2551039
4th thread
Guide for LBH who has a Wayward Wife
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2551811#Post2551811
5th thread
Help for LBH who has a WW
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2593214#Post2593214
6th thread
Sandi's Reflections