So she filed. What’s the process and timeline from here?
I went back home for a long weekend for Thanksgiving, and yesterday went shopping with my Mom to get her some hiking boots and rain gear for our Alaska trip next year, and that's when I got the text "It's done" (around noon).
She had told me earlier in the weekend that her mom was going to loan her the money to file ($205) and that she was going to go to the courthouse Monday. So I wasn't caught totally off guard, but you still never know how you will feel. When I read the text, I didn't have any flood of emotion, just thought it was a unusual choice of words to let me know that she had filed. The text chain went:
W - It's done
Me - Interesting way to say it, but thank you for going.
W - Sorry, whether you believe me or not it wasn't an easy thing to do & I'm not in the best of moods right now.
Me - I understand, it's not an easy thing to go through, but I think it's time.
When I first let her know in July that I would like to file, I told her that I could wait if she wasn't ready, but since then she's never given me any indication that she isn't ready. I got frustrated with the delay, because everything I know of her makes me believe the delay was just due to not taking the time to complete the process. She is the type of person to always put things off. It took her 3 months to "decide" if she was going to change her name back to her maiden name or not, and I see that as just not giving it any thought until I pressed her for the info.
I am mind reading here, but I also don't believe her having a hard time with it has anything to do with me, I think it has to do more with her fantasy of what M would mean to her (she always said that she would never D), because she never once brought up that she was unhappy or suggest that we do things to make the M better.
When I would bring things up that I thought we should do to improve our R, she would give me the "OK" but she would never join me. For example, about 3 year ago I told her I would like to spend 10 to 30 minutes on the hammock every day or two so we could spend time together talking, she said that would be good, but whenever I would bring it up she was busy on facebook, editing photos, playing games on her iPad, etc.
So I have a hard time believing that she cares about "our" relationship enough for her to be mourning it.
But I digress. In all, I'm fine with it, I had a great time spending the day with my mom yesterday before I went to the airport, we shopped for a few hours, then went to her house and made a Christmas wreath out of tree clippings and decorated it with things we bought when we were out, and I never really thought about the D again.
I had some sadness when I filled out and signed all the paperwork, but I didn't have those same feelings knowing that it has all been filed. Now I'll just have to see how I feel when we go to court to finalize it, which should be in 3 to 4 weeks.
Reaching out with great big hugs, (((Coconut))). I am glad you are handling everything well. It's just so sad to think about what she's thrown away......and what she's doing to herself in her wayward journey. And now that she will be legally free, she'll see Mr. Fireman isn't jumping to D his W and wanting to be with her........so, she'll probably move on to the next guy. You may never know about it, but the day will come when she will realize what a mess she's made of her life.
Anyway, I'm glad to hear you had a good time with your mom. Hiking boots for Alaska, huh? Sounds terrific!
Coconut,
I know exactly how you feel. Last week I filed and my W signed yesterday. In a way you kind of feel numb to the whole thing and yet I feel as if I failed. Like Sandi said your W is bound to realize MR. Fireman isn't going to leave his W. I believe my own W has already experienced that rude awakening. Jumped to another OM who got what he wanted kept it moving. So my W is experiencing first hand the level of men in the dating pool. And instead of just admitting to messing up. She is messing with a new OM. The funny part is the OM she chooses are more of a joke than the last. But she calls this living. Only time will get through that stubbornness. And by that time I plan on being single and enjoying the reat of my 30s, while in the beat physical condition of my life. 90 days counting down.
Sorry about that Cnut, no matter how ready we are, D is still a tough, emotional thing to go through. Sounds like you are handling it quite well though so that's good to hear!
Sandi, thank you for the support, I spent months dealing with the thought of divorcing and once I decided I was ready I got another 4 months before it was filed, I think I'm as content as I can be that it is what is needed. There is no desire to try and fix things, no hope that she will change her mind, just a readiness to end our legal bond.
As for Alaska, My mom had a trip to Paris scheduled with my dad, he got sick and passed away unexpectedly 2 months before the trip, it was on her "bucket list". I have no interest in going to Paris, but I know Alaska was also also on that list, so I planned a trip for August with her. Two weeks RVing with mom will be time well spent, I'm really looking forward to it.
Tread,
I'm sorry to hear that your D is moving forward, your sitch is still relatively recent and I imagine that your emotions are still really swirling. Just know that they do level out, and when you think you're good, you'll still get better. Your only two years older than I was when I met my wife, you've still got plenty of time to grow new roots and rebuild a new life...
AS,
D is a tough thing to go through, but I'm also looking at it as a way to start moving forward. I would not want to be dating someone and ever be able to refer to another person as my wife, so although I don't have anyone in mind, I'm ready to be free to see that possibility in others that I meet. I do not see anything my W could say or do that would cause me to even consider reconciling, it's just not something I want, I really believe I'm emotionally prepared to get D. Although I do hope that one day I'll be ok with being around her for my sons sake, but I'm not there yet.
Last weekend my buddy had a Christmas party at his Ranch, it was a pretty good group of people, some friends, neighbors, some people who go to the Ranch for horse back riding lessons or board their horses there. Anyway, I always enjoy going to their party's because they are filled with native North Carolinians, I live in a city where everyone is from somewhere else and came here for military, but up in his area it's mostly farmers, ranchers, etc. I really enjoy talking to them, and most of them are great story tellers and because of what they do for a living, generally have some great stories.
But anyway, I ran into my old friend from high school, the one that became friends with my ex and was the only friend of hers that supported the A... I had really dreaded when I heard she was moving to NC, I just don't / didn't want her in my life. Anyway, I saw her around the party a couple of times, she didn't try and talk to me and I didn't acknowledge her, which was easy for the most part as there were a lot of people there. But towards the end of the night, it was down to just about 8 of us, and it became a little awkward, and I'm not really sure how I want to handle it. I have no interest in being friends with her, I'm not interested in anything she has to say, but I don't want to make it awkward for my buddy either, or make them have to choose "which" friend to invite over, etc. It just feels wrong to even have small talk with someone who I don't like or respect.
Today's my birthday so of course I'm getting a lot of calls, texts and facebook messages wishing me a happy bday.. and the STBXW texts and says:
"Happy Birthday. I'm sure you don't want to hear from me but I took son skydiving for his birthday & I wanted to send you some of the photos from his jump." and then sends me some pictures of him skydiving.
I replied "cool, he must of loved that", and she replied "He absolutely loved it. That's what he wanted for his 18th so I took him"... end of text.
Now, his birthday was two weeks ago, so I have to imagine that they didn't go sky diving today or yesterday, so I got a little frustrated that she waited to send the pics until my birthday.
Her birthday was 1 week ago, and while I did realize it, I certainly didn't acknowledge it. She could have sent those pics at anytime, but she waited to my birthday (and I'm assuming) so she could wish me a happy birthday.
The thought of her trying to play nice with me, for whatever reason, makes me sick. I do NOT want her in my life at all, I have no interest in trying to work things out and I don't want to be friends with her. At some point, I hope to be able to be in the vicinity of her without it being awkward (like at my sons graduation, or wedding, or whatever), but that's not something I'm trying to work on right now.
I'm starting to realize that I don't know how to treat people in my life that I don't necessarily like. Usually, if I don't like you, I just erase you from my life.. But now I have two people that would require me avoiding my best friend or my son to erase from my life, and I'm not willing to make that sacrifice for either of them.
I received the letter from the court yesterday with the date of our D hearing, January 10th, 2017. Little sadness while reading the letter, knowing what it means, but overall not much of an emotional swing. I imagine the actual hearing will be tough, but I've decided to make it a quick overnight trip, and will fly in the night before, and leave at night after the hearing.
I struggled with whether or not to spend a couple of days with family afterwards, but decided I'd rather be alone. Hopefully that is a good decision, but just have to wait and see.
Also got a text from STBXW yesterday asking me if I want to take our dog, we had 2 but one passed away earlier this year and apparently the one is too much for her and son to care for.. So I'm headed down to FL tomorrow to spend a week with family and will likely be heading back with the best dog ever
pretty happy about that.
Coconut,
Sorry about the divorce thing. By the way that should be 2018, not 2017. (I don't want you to have to do a repeat.)
I hope you get to take the dog home. Are you and the dog going to sit in the boat and watch TV?
Hi Coco. I have been reading your thread since the start of the year. You have got the stength of your own journey now.
You sound longing for past times. Keep moving, keep GAL.
You are a free man, you stood for your values. Keep going.
Sometimes it is no so easy but it is a must do. The anchor from the past needs to be broken. I sail those turbulent waters from time to time. It´s hard not to get dizzy. Starts a new year soon...
Doodler, I should of just done it in Jan 2017, but you're right, it is in fact next year
It's funny that you bring up the boat, because the first thing I considered when she asked was all the fishing/camping trips I take and how I would work that with my dog, even considering upgrading my kayak to a 2 seater so she could join me and not have to stay at the campsite while I'm out fishing..
neffer, thank you for reaching out. I'm really doing fine, there is a little sadness there, but it's not very consuming (if that makes sense). I think the best way I can describe it is when I was a kid, we would go visit my great uncle and aunt in Orlando every year, it was the only vacation that we took most years. It was always a good time, we would go to theme parks, I would go fishing with my uncle on his boat, etc.. we always had a blast. Whenever we would leave to go home, I would be sad on the entire drive back home, feeling like all those good times where going to be missing in my life.. I kind of feel like I did back then.
I do not find anything appealing about my W, I do not even really know her anymore, but I feel sadness for the loss of the moments that we did have, and for what I imagined our future would be, but I don't feel sad about the present.
So go visit your family. We all should be surrounded by people who care for us at this time of the year. Are you meeting your S?
I never told my son when I was coming down to Fl, since he never asked, so he didn't know I would be at his wrestling meet last night, and he was pretty surprised when he saw me in the stands.. He was pretty excited, so that was fun..
About an hour after I got there, Stbxw walks in with some guy.. Ok, that was a bit jarring, but it wasn't too bad (just a good thing it wasn't the OM).. She didn't see me and went to talk to son, and the other guy sat right in front of me 3 rows down. I considered fckn with him a little bit, asking how it felt to know his gfriend has a husband, but he doesn't have anything to do with me, so I just let it be.. My STBXW at some point saw me or was told by son I was there (not sure) went to sit in another section of bleachers and motioned for the other guy to move over there.
I had invited my brother and a friend to the meet, and my sons gf also sat with me, so we were all talking and joking, so seeing her and the guy didn't bother me too much and I was able to chill and annoy the meet.
Went out to dinner with son and friends afterwards, and at some point mentioned my families Christmas party to son, and he says I really want to go but I don't know how long I can stay... Why I asked, and he says mom made dinner plans at grandmas house... I just said ok, well let me know, cause I was fuming and wanted to think it through before saying anything else.
Decided to just text my Stbxw rather than putting my son in the middle, and told her I was upset that she made plans for him with grandparents instead of spending time with dad at his families party. She replied that she would see if they could change plans.
So we will see what happens, but overall I'm pretty happy with the minimal impact that seeing her with someone else had on me, and feeling comfortable with my decision to push the D through.
Coconut,
I am proud of you. You sound very grounded. Enjoy your Christmas with s and family. It takes a lot of strength and confidence to see stbx with OM and enjoy yourself nonetheless.
Nut....I concur with G. I hope when I am faced with a similar situation in the future I can handle myself in the same manner you did. Good job!
Good for you and your son man. As Gordie said: enjoy your family. You deserve this after such a long journey.
Ok, so Stbxw text'd me back yesterday and I would like an opinion of if my text was inappropriate, spiteful, or what, cause I thought it was just straight forward and fair pretty fair way to say I was upset without adding any comments about why I thought she did it or without being spiteful... But she obviously didn't see it that way.. Do I need to work on being more neutral? I'm curious what y'all think. So the original texts were:
M - I'm very upset that you, knowing we have a Christmas party every Christmas night, made plans for son to go to grandparents for dinner rather than spending time with his dad.
W - I didn't make the plans, my aunt is in town &I asked to do dinner on Christmas night. I will ask my mom what we can do. I'm not even sure when I'll get to see him at this point.
End of original texts. A little context I'll fill in, everyone at that dinner will be off work and in town for the week after Christmas, and my Stbxw will have him Christmas morning.
Next day:
W - I know you think I'm this horrible person but I spoke to my mom & she said son can go to your moms Christmas night & we will do our family Christmas another night. Instead of sending me a text like that, you could simply speak to me about it so we could work it out but I know you'd prefer to take the hostile route. Enjoy Christmas & you're welcome.
M - I wasn't being mean, I was upset and I said so.
W - K
I would have responded to the EXWW the 'next day' with an 'OK'. Nothing more. Maybe 'thank you'. But really, I would have made it pithy. But that's just me...
You don't need to explain yourself. I even think you could have gone a different route and NOT told her you are angry. Showing emotion to someone who doesn't care about you anymore, or harbors resentment for you, can be a door of opportunity for them to strike at you.
Complete detachment means if they get angry or upset with you, you shrug your shoulders, turn around, and walk away. At least that's what it means in my book. Easy in theory, hard in practice, as we have wounds that go deep, and the person we dialogue with knows our 'hot buttons'.
BTW - "I know you think I'm this horrible person" = she thinks she's the horrible person. MY EX said this many times. Her guilt 'meter' used to work. It broke during her affairs... at least it seemed to. Now? Who cares.
It is hard not trying to find a hidden message in what she wrote. It´s up to your stbxw IMHO. As trumpet says...use it as a detachment exercise. No mind reading, nothing.
Enjoy with your S and family. Have fun.
Merry christmas Coco
it was a great trip, so nice to be around family and friends, I love where I live now and will not be moving back, but I sure do miss everyone back home. Eventually I will have good friends here, but for now, it just makes the trips back home (and I have been going about every 2 months) just that much more special.
My son came over my moms house, where I was staying, or we went out and did things a few times, it was great spending time with him. I had a few nights out with friends which was fun, all in all, it was a great week back home.
A few things happened that stood out regarding stbxw after seeing her and some other guy at my sons wrestling meet. My son came over for our Christmas party, and when we all sat down to hand out gifts, there were gifts from my son and stbxw (in other words from her) to my nieces who are 6 and 10yrs old. I didn't know this until my brother who was passing out the gifts read the label, and it kind of caught me off guard. My stbxw was very close to my nieces, but contact between them has been very limited and I'm ok with that because I don't think she is a good role model. So it was just a little off putting that she just sent gifts over without asking, or at least a heads up; had she asked me if that would be ok, I probably would have been fine with it, just caught me off guard.
Then when I got my gift from my son, it was a shirt and a photo plaque of his senior picture, it is obvious that she picked those out. I had almost asked him ahead of time not to give me a gift unless he picked it out on his own, but I decided to let him make that decision on his own, so I didn't say anything. It kind of makes me uncomfortable that she is using him to "do things" for me and my family, I would prefer that she just stay away. I included his name on the gifts I got for my nieces, and I would have preferred not getting a gift from him over giving me something his mom picked out for me.
Then, I had to stop by my sons house to pick up my dog on my way home, and I was dropping my nieces off at their house after I picked up my dog, so I had them in the car. When I got to my sons house, she walked out with him and said something to him at the door, he walked over and said Mom wants to know if she can say hi to the girls, so I looked at her and said that it was fine for her to say hello to them. I don't understand why she would buy gifts for them without mentioning it to me, but then feel like she needed to ask me if she could say hello through my son or why she feels that she should communicate through our son when around each other. We communicate back and forth directly via text when needed, she sends me videos and pictures of things he does when I'm not there, so I don't know why she felt the need to have him ask me if it was ok, instead of just asking me herself. I think she really does think I hate her and think she's the worst person on the face of the earth... Although she is my worst person, I've dropped the hate and have been civil with her and thank her when she sends me stuff about our son.
Heck, I even tried to strike up conversation a few months ago ago, but I stopped temp checking because I'm not interested in reconciling, so no matter what she said it wouldn't do me any good. At this point I'm just trying to stumble my way through figuring out how to get to the point that I can be in the same room without it being uncomfortable (for my sons sake).
But for now, I'm getting used to my new responsibility of taking care of my dog. I've always owned a house since I moved out of my parents house, so I'm used to just being able to let the dogs out in the back yard. But now being in a rental town house without a fence, I have to get into the habit of walking my dog, which isn't a whole lot of fun at 6:30am when it's 20 degrees out, as I found out this morning... But it's so nice having her back with me.
Coconut, we appreciate your updates. I can't remember if we ever posted much to each other but I've always followed your sitch. If I didn't post it was only because it looked like everything I could think to offer was already in your wheelhouse.
In terms of tone while communicating, we all have to find our own way. For me I went the approach of no emotion at all. I mean absolute zero. I only communicate by text or email, and it's only on a true as needed basis. My responses are short, and then I strip them and strip them and strip them so they provide only the absolutely critical information needed to be passed on. I am respectful so if she texts me that someone passed away as part of her message to me I'll add in a line about being sorry to hear, but it is totally sterile. And I absolutely positively make sure there is no emotional undertone. When she attacks I don't defend. If she accuses me of something I don't reply. If she asks a questions accusingly I find a way to reply to the question to answer it without either defending or retaliating. That kind of thing. In my mind she tried pushing my buttons in various ways and for the last 3 years I completely and totally removed the batteries from whatever game she was trying to play.
I rarely see her in person, when I do we rarely speak, and if I need to it is one sentence uttered as if I was in a trance or something. As far as I'm concerned she's dead and is just a ghost that other people still see and interact with that I cannot.
I, too, have reduced the anger to where I can't even notice it anymore other than a vague sense of nausea on rare occasions when I am triggered. Mostly it is replaced by humor when she does something over the top, or a moment of silence for our humanity and the destruction we cause to each other. But while I am not harboring hostility, I darn sure don't see any reason to expose myself emotionally in any way to her ever again. My wife been dead in my heart for three years now, murdered by the XW who took her place. The husband I was died with her as that is not who I am anymore. I truly am beyond it, but I don't have any interest in being face book friends or acting like pals or even swapping cute kid pictures. That emotional back and forth died with the marriage.
I'm not saying this is ideal or anything. Maybe it's the only way I could manage the situation based on the way she behaved since BD. Maybe I'm just a super sensitive person that has a hard time opening up and can only protecting myself by shutting down to this level. I don't know. But this is the only path I could find. And for better or worse it's allowed me to put a tremendous amount of distance between me and the wreckage and rebuild a life that I have found peace and content in. It's not what I set out for, but it's what God has given me. My job is just to savor it and say thank you.
Take care and looking forward to hearing what you do with yourself in 2018.
Thx Zeus, I'm kinda the same mindset, 99% of communication is 100% business, no emotional.
Soooo... I snooped, I gotta say, over a year after physical seperation, snooping is still not a good idea.. But, I wanted to know the significance of the other guy at the meet, even though I was pretty certain. Checked FB, saw "public" announcement of "my baby".. Part of me is thankful it's not me about to take that ride, I already know she's a shitt¥ wife, but still ouch.
I'll just keep doing me, less than 2 weeks until D should be final and quite frankly I'm looking forward to being open to dating, I've found myself "noticing" several ladies lately, and looking forward to being free to persue those opportunities.
It's good to see an update from you, as always. I had to laugh just a tiny bit, when I read your post about why your W did the gift thing and why didn't she do this or that. I thought you had realized there is none of your male logic in that WW! Heck, there's not even any female logic in her.....and that's bad. (LOL)
I am so happy that your son and you have maintained a good relationship. I'm sure he knows how lucky he is to have a dad like you. When he is older, he will realize it even more.
I am also happy to hear that you continue to love your new location. I agree that you'll make lifelong friends there, too. You are just that kind of guy.
I'll have to confess something else. I laughed when I read about the new guy in her life. Did she actually step outside the fire station to find him......or was he a reject? I didn't really expect ole lover-boy FF to be so hot to trot, once he realized she was free and available to move full steam ahead with him. Funny how that works out, isn't it?
You have been so good to stay in contact after moving on with your life. It give me a sense of peace, I suppose, to hear you are contented. Not that I was worried, but you know what I mean.....don't ya? As you may know, I have often complained how people take off without us ever knowing what happened to them. So, FWIW, I really appreciate you taking the time to keep us informed. And, I like the way you help others, too. You have a lot to offer them.
Take care, friend. Hope to hear from you again.
Hi Sandi, thank you for replying, it is always nice to hear from you. As for OM, I have no idea who he is or if he is also at fire dept.
Just stopping by to say Ugghh, for the first time in a long time, I'm down the n the dumps today.. These feelings of failure in my M are coming at me hard, and don't know what to do with myself..
Here's to happy thoughts and a positive outlook returning soon.
Hi Coconut, I enjoyed reading your updates and I'm sorry you are feeling down in the dumps today. When you think about it, the odd down day in among many, many positive ones shows just how far you have come.
Interesting about new OM. When we think of the energy and thought we sometimes spend on OMs...OM1 proved pretty transient didn't he?
Can I share my one hour six prong plan for perking myself up? (Feel free to discard if not helpful...)
Get out and do some exercise for 20 mins
Drop someone a note to thank them or tell them how much you appreciate them
Meditate for 10 minutes - plenty of apps for this
Journal about something nice that happened this week
Write down three things you are grateful for today
Listen to It's a Beautiful Day by Michael Buble (dancing is optional :))
If I'm down in the dumps and can motivate myself to do this, it normally sweeps any low feelings right away..
Hope this helps and a Happy New Year to you. I have a feeling that 2018 is going to be a good year for you.
Maybe it is the letdown following Christmas. However, I suspect it's b/c you were looking at messages and it drug up some old feelings.
Hey Soto, I did 2 of them before reading your list, then had to look up the Buble song, wasn't familiar with it so watched the video on utube... Are you aware that the video starts with a husband walking in the house and finds his wife kissing some guy. But the song was a happy one.
Sandi, I'm sure the snooping put me in the funk, I'm also feeling sick and the post Christmas trip blues and not having plans for New Years doesn't help.. Kind of a perfect storm. So happy that days like this are very few and far between, can't even remember the last day I felt like this.
Have a Happy New Year eve everyone..
Oh yes, Sandi's insight is spot on too. I snooped a few months back and what I saw put me in a funk for a couple of days - even though generally most of my days are good.
I think we all drop down that hole occasionally and even now I still get an urge, which I resist. Now I say to myself - step away from the iPad and no-one gets hurt!!
I'm glad you liked the song - I hadn't ever watched the video and hadn't realised it started that way. I just downloaded it on iTunes. But I liked the upbeat nature, and also that he is thriving after the break up..
Have a happy new year and I hope you feel all better soon
Not sure if it's the pending D (6 days away) or the snooping, but I've definitely been in a funk these past few days. Sent her a text message, I know it doesn't accomplish anything, but sometimes I can't help it.. at the beginning of the text, I quoted some of the messages between her and OM I found way back when (which is how I found out about the A). After quoting those messages, this is the text:
This, this is something a spouse should never have to see.. I have hoped for a year and a half to learn what I did to deserve to be completely (pooped) on, to have a real conversation with you... Never once did you reach out, never once did you apologize or show remorse for abandoning your family. Just went out partying every night, acting out like girls gone wild.
I did not get you pregnant, I did not make you miss your partying 20's, I chose you, I accepted Your son as my own and did my best to raise him. I chose to be with you at the cost of having kids of my own, wanting to grow old with you.. You put Your son above me, ignoring my concerns about it, but somehow expected me to feel loved and respected . I succumbed to wait until Our son went to college before I got my wife back.. Then she abandons us both.
YOU disappoint me.
Hi Coconut, I'd like to know more about how it's going for you since it looks like I'll soon be divorced. Did your wife respond to your text messages? How can she not feel terrible about what she's done? You've been through so much. It seems like these spouses who leave are all exactly the same. Not sorry, don't care, and only thinking of themselves.
Before I met my husband I had one long-term, long-distance relationship in my 20's that ended in an unexpected engagement that lasted two weeks. I then broke it off because I could see that the marriage wouldn't work. I would have to give up my dreams for the guy and he didn't treat me well. I was naïve as that had been my first and only relationship. It was honestly a shock that he wanted to get engaged. Anyway I told him I wanted to break it off and I felt horrible. I was in tears for days, kept telling him I was sorry. At the same time, I was sure about the decision.
The point is I don't know how to relate to these spouses who cheat and leave without any regret, especially with kids. As stated above I left someone and I felt horrible.
The logic of these spouses who leave is very twisted and they clearly have character flaws that we didn't see when we chose to marry them.
I hope your wife at least reads your text and thinks about it. You have a right to say those things. I wish you a peaceful closure to this disaster and I hope you find a new lady who exceeds your expectations and loves you forever.
Coconut,
Back when my sons were very young, we bought them some DVDs that were created by a guy named Dave. He had videos about all types of vehicles and machinery; trucks, busses, boats, planes, trains etc. In each of the episodes, Dave would completely screw something up and he’d say, “Oops, I shouldn’t have done that!”
I’ve been divorced for a little over a year. Now, every time I see my XW all I can think is, “Oops, I shouldn’t have done that!” (Of course, doing that did result in having two of the most wonderful sons on the planet.)
I quoted some of the messages between her and OM I found way back when (which is how I found out about the A). After quoting those messages, this is the text:
Oof! Well if you had posted that here before sending it to her we would of course have advised against sending it. It's cathartic to type that stuff out sometimes. But it serves no purpose to actually send it, because it's not going to result in any kind of a revelation to her. So we usually suggest posting it here, or typing an email and deleting it, or writing a note and burning it. Anyway at this point it's probably not hurting your sitch either, so no biggie.
Hi Coconut, I'd like to know more about how it's going for you since it looks like I'll soon be divorced.
Overall I’ve been doing very well, my life has changed quite a bit since BD and I’ve embraced the change and feel alive. As the D approaches, the MR has been on my mind a lot, but that is not the norm. I’m accepting the emotions, mourning my M and hopefully will be able to find closure on my own. Most of my life is better than it was pre BD (more money, more active, more adventures, etc.) except of course not living with my stepson anymore, but he’s going away to college in 6 months so that would have happened either way.
Anyway I told him I wanted to break it off and I felt horrible. I was in tears for days, kept telling him I was sorry. At the same time, I was sure about the decision.
Breaking up is hard no matter what, but the way the waywards do it, there is no closure. There should be sadness when a relationship ends, and it hurts to see waywards appear unaffected.
I hope your wife at least reads your text and thinks about it.
my phone shows when a message is read and the message never showed that it was read.. then I accidently texted her a question I meant to ask my son, and she immediately responded. My guess is that she deletes any texts that look personal, without opening them.
I hope you find a new lady who exceeds your expectations and loves you forever.
That does sound nice
Of course, doing that did result in having two of the most wonderful sons on the planet.
I often find myself wishing I would have left my wife when we found out she couldn’t have kids, so that I could have had biological kids of my own… But given the choice to go back in time and make that choice, I wouldn’t, because those years with her gave me my R with my stepson. Our R is the best parent/child R he has.
Anyway at this point it's probably not hurting your sitch either, so no biggie.
Definitely not going to hurt my sitch. If she called me today and said she wanted to try and work it out, I would not go down that road. What I really want is closure, I’m having a difficult time just accepting how things ended, without having a single R conversation since we separated (and there was no sadness from her leading up to the separation).. I think what I want is to see some regret or sadness. I don’t like that I want it, I know I will never get it, but I think that is what I feel is missing.
I often find myself wishing I would have left my wife when we found out she couldn’t have kids, so that I could have had biological kids of my own… But given the choice to go back in time and make that choice, I wouldn’t, because those years with her gave me my R with my stepson. Our R is the best parent/child R he has.
I want to clarify, I never considered leaving her when I found out she couldn't have kids, wasn't even a thought in my head. I made this statement because I wanted her to be my wife for life, I wanted to grow old with her. But because BD didn't happen until like 7 years later, I lost my W anyway and am to old to have kids now (meaning I don't want to be retired with a kid in high school).
What I really want is closure, I’m having a difficult time just accepting how things ended, without having a single R conversation since we separated (and there was no sadness from her leading up to the separation).. I think what I want is to see some regret or sadness. I don’t like that I want it, I know I will never get it, but I think that is what I feel is missing.
C, This is where I am, from BD to telling the kids to moving out on Xmas eve my W has shown zero emotion and constantly has the look on her face that I am to blame for everything. I know that the LBS has fault in a portion of this mess but for the WW to put all the blame on us is just BS!
I know I will never get an apology but man would I really like one!
But because BD didn't happen until like 7 years later, I lost my W anyway and am to old to have kids now (meaning I don't want to be retired with a kid in high school).
i am the youngest of 7... i am almost 8 years younger than the 6th child (my sister)... my dad was 43 when i was born... at the time he felt really old... was afraid he would not live to see me grow up... here i am--52! as i was growing up, neither he nor my mom ever seemed too old to have a child my age... in fact, my mom says i kept them young... they are in their 90s and still dance at family functions!
my oldest brother is 69... his second wife is 24 years younger than he is... his children from his first marriage are in their late 30s, early 40s... from his second marriage, he has two sons... one is 19 and the other is 12... he too seems much younger than his age... my other brother who is 66 has 4 children--2 sons ages, 46, 38, 35 and his youngest is his daughter... she is 24... he is wonderful father... my H was 43 and i was 38 when we adopted our sons...
i get that you do not want children at this point in your life... but some people do opt to have children at older ages and find it rewarding... my parents didn't exactly plan to have me 8 years after their 6th child, but i am glad they did... my dad was nearing 61 when i finished high school... but to be honest, he didn't have a child in high school while he was retired... he didn't retire until he was 89
--artista
Wow artista, that's quite a family you have, I would love to have so many siblings, nieces, nephews, etc..
My intention was not to say that people my age "shouldn't" have kids, there is nothing more rewarding than raising a child at any age.. I can definitely understand them keeping you young, not to mention keeping the magic alive (there's nothing like holiday's with kids around). To be honest, if I was with someone who wanted to have/adopt a child, I would definitely be open to considering it.
As my life stands right now, I will be retiring at 60 and would like to have the freedom to travel at will, with thoughts of maybe getting another place in FL and spending winters down there (assuming my family stays there) and returning to NC during the summers. But it's a long way away and circumstances change.
C,
As far as "not having one R conversation" look on the bright side: no R conversation is a whole heck of a lot better than the false R. I know that's not much comfort, but being dismissed sure beats being kept on the hook.
I'll also throw this out there: you're only 43. Another child in your future is NOT outside the realm of possibility. I'm 43, too, and also like you, I'm an adoptive father with no biological children (though to be honest, that doesn't matter to me. My daughter is the best thing that's ever happened to me, and the circumstances of her birth don't matter to me at all) and I still hold out hope that I'll be a dad again. Don't close the door so hastily.
What I really want is closure, I’m having a difficult time just accepting how things ended, without having a single R conversation since we separated (and there was no sadness from her leading up to the separation).. I think what I want is to see some regret or sadness. I don’t like that I want it, I know I will never get it, but I think that is what I feel is missing.
AMEN AMEN AMEN. We ALL want closure, we ALL want to know "why". Unfortunately the only closure you will get is you letting go of the need for closure, if that makes sense. WAS's often don't even know why they do what they do themselves. They are confused, in turmoil, foggy. They may clear the fog and wonder what in the world they've done. A lot of them do just that. I remember one WAS posting here that the hardest thing for her to do in recon was to go back to all of her friends and family and explain to them why she was getting back together with the very man that she had been trash-talking for a year. She said it was so scary that she actually almost decided not to recon just so she could avoid it.
Hi Coconut, I agree with AS above. I wouldn't assume that what you might get from the WAS would bring closure. My XH said a few things to be that didn't help me at all:
When he D'd me he said that I was beautiful, he loved me and I had been the best wife, but he knew that he really needed a new family now...
That was what he offered me and in truth it didn't really help me at all. Closure I think comes from your own processing of what has happened and accepting the end of your marriage. It has helped me to think of XH and me as separate and no longer living co-joined lives in any way. He decides what he wants to do, so do I. Some of his decisions may not be great, some of his behaviour may not be great, but that's all up to him..
I also don't think I was the kind of wife that deserved my XH to run off with a much younger woman and lie about it for months, but it happened and that way of exiting the marriage is all on him. I'm glad I don't have to live with that. I was an imperfect spouse as we all are, but whilst there are things to learn, I'm generally at peace with my part in the marriage.
So, rather than looking to her for something, take some time to gently and kindly look within.
Since then I've come to understand I don't meet today's relationship standards. This has been one of the most important lessons I've learned from my experience and these forums. To the two women I've had long term relationships with I have been dumped as the abuser because I didn't meet expectations. From my perspective they are unrealistic. To me it stops mattering which is 'right or wrong', the moral is I know I'm not a good fit for a modern relationship. Knowing this I have chosen to remain single so I don't hurt myself or others trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
I'm sure it's easy to say 'man up and become a better man so you fit everything on this list, it's not that hard'. I agree if a man is able to do that then that is outstanding. For those that can't it at least helps to be aware of this so we can act accordingly.
Zeus,
I think is is a profound statement but I don't want to hijack the thread you wrote it on, but I can't get past the thought that it is a topic that should be discussed. After the experience most LBS's here have gone through, it isn't difficult to feel insufficient, like we aren't good enough.
I signed up for Cupid today, I was interested in seeing who was on there and what the Internet dating pool looked like in my area. I looked at pictures of very physically attractive woman, as well as some that weren't attractive to me at all. I had many thoughts as I swiped left and right, am I too judge mental, would this person find me attractive, do I look as old as some of the people in my age group who were on there, etc..
But I came across several profiles that I appreciated the honesty, some said they were sluts looking for a quick fix, others listed very descriptive activities that they are into, such as politics, woman's rights, little people trying to make a small difference in big issues, homebodies that are anti social, etc. and clearly stated they wanted someone of the same mindset. They weren't trying to pretend who they were to find Mr. Right, they were laying out their idiosynchroties of who they were and who they wanted to be with, to find Mr Right For Them.
My brother made the statement to me over the holidays that I've always dated very beautiful women and I'll find another one... I just replied to him "that isn't the quality I'm most concerned about anymore"... I want to find the person that fits me, but I will admit I have a hard time getting past the looks I've always went after. But I digress.
My point is that if you make it clear who you are, what you bring to the table, and what you don't, there is somebody out there that is looking for that. If you have low sex drive, someone else out there does as well, and they are more interested in finding someone who: likes to cook, watch tv with them, raise a house full of cats, whatever. I find it hard to believe that there isn't someone out there who is looking for everyone who has idiosynchroties or shortcomings.
Thanks Coconut. To be clear, I don't feel insufficient. I just think today's expectations are unattainable. Same difference in the end I suppose.
Conventional wisdom says that we can do better than the previous generation by knowing our boundaries, fixing our pickers, finding someone compatible, and on and on and on. It sounds good on paper because it promises us the fulfillment of our desires. But I don't see it working. I look at the growing list of deal breakers and expectations and lofty ideals of romantic love and fulfilled desire as impossible at best, and temptations from the devil designed to undermine the stability of our families at worst.
I'm not blaming anyone. I'm not proposing a solution. I think it's inevitable. Here was a post I just wrote on my own thread. You can skip the pool bit.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2754091&page=5We'll see. I'll be watching from the sidelines to see how things work out. If the world shows me a bunch of people that remain married and happy to levels we've never seen before then I'm not ruling out a future partnership. Until I see something more convincing than today's landscape it looks more like jumping into shark infested waters.
But I'm not pessimistic. Life goes on and we'll continue to enjoy the experiences that we were given to enjoy. And even if we can't solve these problems I think AI just might. Or it might enslave us all and put us in people zoos. But either way we'll muddle through. It's what we do.
Ok, I think I understand what you are saying more clearly. basically, the way I read it is You want a M of Lifetime Commitment and the M as known in today's society is more of a "For Now" commitment, until you exhibit a deal breaker and they exit rather than working on the issue(s).
Just wanted to stop by before I head out to fly back to FL today to attend my D hearing tomorrow morning. I will be flying back home tomorrow night, decided not to incorporate a family/friend visit into the same trip as the D.
Right now I'm in a good state of mind, I had a couple of rough days around New Years (after snooping), but came out of that hole after a few days and have had a positive mental attitude since. Hopefully I can keep that attitude throughout the hearing, focus on the fact that I want the divorce today, and not get lost in what I wanted over a year ago.
I'll be thinking about you today.
Coconut—best wishes. You are a good man.
Thank you Sandi2 and Gordie, I read your messages right before I left to the courthouse and they brightened my day a little, so thank you for reaching out.
So the hearing went about as expected. I got there and checked in with the bailif, she had not arrived yet, so I sat down, put on my headphones and started listening to my workout music. I wanted to do anything I could to keep the tears away, I was mostly successful in that regard.
She arrived, checked in and sat down at the other end of the bench that I was on (outside of the courtroom), I didn't look at or acknowledge her, I just kept to myself. About 5 minutes later her mother walked in and tried to hug me. I just shook my head "no" (not that I don't like her mother, I just was trying to stay unemotional) and she went and hugged her daughter. That attempt at a hug brought on some tears, so I got up and walked around the hallway and looked at the view (you can see the ocean from the floor I was on), managing to calm myself down.
About 10 minutes later they called everyone into the courthouse, and I sat on a bench alone. The process was pretty cut and dry, the judge called a couple up one at a time (or anyone else there for family court such as name changes, etc.), for the Divorces he asked a few questions that are required, Is this marriage really un-savable or are there courses that can be offered to help, has one of you lived in the county for 6 months, have all assets and debt been split in an agreeable manner, etc. Then he simply stated that the divorce would be granted and signed the paperwork.
There were only about 15 people in the room, so the whole process only took about 10 minutes, then I went downstairs to get certified copies and was out of the courthouse within 45 minutes.
There were couples divorcing that were standing together, talking and in good spirits, obviously both agreed the marriage was not good, but didn't have ill will towards the other person, that's how a R should end. I was the only person who was tearing up, although my ex did seem a little sad. I kind of felt like a fraud saying the marriage was un-savable since there was never an attempt to even try, but I know it is un-savable when someone isn't even willing to communicate, so I agreed.
Afterwards, I went to my moms house, we went out to lunch, then we hung out at the house until I left for my flight. Overall, I was in a pretty good state and didn't find the process as difficult as I had feared. I was doing pretty good last night when I got home too and slept fine.
Right now I'm pretty sad, but I know that good things are to come and my M ended a LONG time ago, not just yesterday.
I got an email today with this message about suicide prevention, it is from a government agency and is NOT COPYRIGHTED, so I wanted to share it here. You don't have to be suicidal for these easy things to help you feel more positive about your life.
Maintaining Your Emotional and Mental Health
1. A New Year, A New You: A new year offers a new opportunity for you to influence your mental and emotional health by making a plan to stay on track with your goals. Things like taking your medications as scheduled, attending your appointments, getting enough sleep and asking for help from your providers can all help you take strides to gaining employment, maintaining finances and taking care of your family.
2. Self-Reflection and Awareness: Self-awareness gives you the ability to understand your emotions, strengths, weaknesses, drives, values, goals, and recognize their impact on others. Things like journaling, taking a walk or talking to a close friend are all simple ways that can help you take control of your mood. This can lead to gathering your thoughts to make a more sound action plan to take care of yourself and your responsibilities.
3. Watch your Finances: Watching what you spend can often seem intimidating, tedious and sometimes depressing. Laying out your expenses will force you to prioritize where you want your money to go. This in turn can shine light on weaknesses, give you a sense of control, improve relationships and empower you to set financial goals. Having open communication, shared bill paying duties and goal setting can give you an opportunity to celebrate small successes.
4. Build Relationships: Calling a friend, meeting a colleague for coffee, having dinner with a relative — these everyday actions can seem small, but they have the power to make a huge difference for you or someone else going through a difficult time. Be sure to show up when you have made plans to spend time with someone. Chat with someone in a waiting room or at the store, you never know when this could have a positive impact on you and the person you reach out to.
5. Exercise: Experts believe exercise releases chemicals in your brain that make you feel good. Regular exercise can boost your self-esteem and help you concentrate, sleep, look and feel better. Exercising doesn’t just mean doing a sport or going to the gym. Walks in the park, gardening or housework can also keep you active.
6. Keep Things in Perspective: Even when facing very painful events, try to consider the stressful situation in a broader context and keep a long-term perspective. Avoid blowing the event out of proportion. An optimistic outlook enables you to expect that good things will happen in your life. Try visualizing what you want, rather than worrying about what you fear. When we perceive our self and our life negatively, we can end up viewing experiences in a way that confirms that notion. Instead, practice using words that promote feelings of self-worth and personal power.
7. Take a Break: Step away, let someone know verbally, you need a moment to gather your thoughts. Sometimes the best thing to do is a simple breathing exercise: Close your eyes and take 10 deep breaths. For each one, count to four as you inhale, hold it for a count of four, and then exhale for another four. This works wonders almost immediately. Maybe that break includes meditation, prayer or going for a drive.
8. Seek Help: Seeking help is a sign of strength — not a weakness. And it is important to remember that treatment is effective.
Really tough, I feel for you. Sounds like you went through it with dignity.
Really sorry Cnut, D certainly isn't fun. But it may or may not be the end of your R with your XW, you just never know what the future holds. I have a friend that recently remarried his XW after 5 years and another that was for all intents and purposes D'd even though they never filed, and recently reconciled after 2 years of zero contact. Regardless, I'm confident your future holds awesome things for you
Good job, Coconut. I can't even imagine. I'm sure I'll find out in the future, but yeesh. That's hard. You came through with dignity and poise.
It doesn't take but a few minutes to pronounce a couple man & wife.
It doesn't take but a few minutes to declare a couple divorced.
The time leading up to either event can be quite stressful, but has different outcomes.
A wedding is the highest point of the couple's relationship (with the exception of the birth of their children). A wedding is a happy experience that's hard to top, b/c of the joy and hope it promises for the future.
A divorce is the lowest point of the couple's relationship. It is a sorrowful experience. It signifies the end, and dividing what once was a whole. However, there is a direction available for the individuals, and it is upward.
Another Stander spoke of the couples he knows personally that reunited after they split. The longer I observe people IRL and those on the board, I am convinced that taking time apart can actually save many marriages. When I read of the horrible conditions some people go through while living together under the same roof, it is harder for me to not tell them to physically separate in order to save themselves, and hopefully, the MR. As a kid, I saw this a lot....and in most of those cases I knew about, the couples did reconcile. These days, couples live together until the day the divorce is final. By staying under the same roof too long, they cause more strain and deterioration, IMHO. If there was to ever be a second chance, they lose it by living together until they can't stomach each other.
Well, I didn't mean to get off into all of that ^^^^. Coconut, I hope you will be able to find closure eventually. Maybe the divorce decree will lighten your emotional burden and you will feel freer. I've not been through the experience myself, but my kids have and it was painful to see their hurt. They pulled through it, and one remarried. There is life after divorce!
((hugs))
I am afraid Sandi for me it was the other way round
The G behaved badly on our wedding day, cheating with the caterer
On my D day I felt such relief at the end of the two day trial.
V
(((Coco)))
A new year is starting. Past is left behind. Keep behind those "what if..." too.
Go on with the GAL. Keep walking with that same dignity that you have shown us in all this trip. Stay strong. As Sandy says, feel the freedom. Go for it.
(((Coco)))
Hey Coconut
Sorry to hear about this. End of the road legally, but not necessarily emotionally.
Emotional divorce precedes the legal divorce. Better to be legally divorced but emotionally connected than the other way round. So you're legally divorced now - up to you whether you want to try to get emotionally connected.
The G behaved badly on our wedding day, cheating with the caterer
OMG, V. That must have been an omen on your wedding day!
I didn't know until a year ago. Someone caught them and told them to stop or she would blow the gaff wide open.
I wished she had.
V
Coconut not intending to hijack, although a new life becons whatever happens it is only upwards if you GAL.
I would like to take you to a lovely place to GAL with all of your favourite drinks and food.
To let loose and have a great time with all your mates.
V
Coconut, I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. I'll soon be in your shoes. A lot of the things being discussed here are the same things I'm wondering about. Did you and your ex hug or talk at all after that? What do you think it'll be like when you see her now?
Coconut, I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. I'll soon be in your shoes. A lot of the things being discussed here are the same things I'm wondering about. Did you and your ex hug or talk at all after that? What do you think it'll be like when you see her now?
After we walked out of the courtroom, we had to wait for someone to give us our "true" copy of the divorce decree. While waiting, I walked away to blow my nose, and when walking back I saw her leaving, I asked her if they called us for the copies, and she said yes, they called you. That was the only communication, there was no eye contact or any other form of communication.
As for future communication, I'd love to say next time I'd walk up, say hi, and just not give a $hit, but that's unlikely for me to pull off. Fact is I hate her, not disengaged, I know, but I would never have anything to do with her again if it wasn't for my son. I expect I'll run into her again at his graduation, his college grad, and his wedding. Other than that, I don't expect to see or hear about her. I'll do my best to not give a Sh, and we will see how that goes.
I just wanted to add there is a bit of weight lifted after the D is final. I Held off dating while M because I didn't want to add additional layers of challenges to reconciliation (or at least being willing to see what could happen), plus I didn't want to start a new R as a M man.. Now that the D is final, I find myself engaging in more conversation, more open to let new people in. The memories of her haven't completely faded, but I definitely feel more open to new possibilities and not like I have to hold back.
It’s these types of interactions that make me think of that song “somebody that I used to know”...glad to hear you now feel some of that weight lifted. Good for you. You’ve been carrying that weight for a long time.
Glad you are healing up so well. Hopefully you can let go of the hate, fully detach.
C
I am sorry to hear that your M is over. Time will heal the hatred and anger you have. It took me until the end of last year to not give a darn about xW and also to feel good about who I am and what I deserve. I hope you can get there faster than that.
Cherish the time with your S and make the most of the time you have for yourself. All LBS’s deserve to be good to themselves. We have all worked hard to do the best we could to save our Ms. Time to focus on us.
Thank you all,
I'm doing fine, and although it's only been a little over a week, I have not dwelled on the past and have been able to just focus on enjoying the here and now, with some thought about the future.
I don't think i'll be posting in this thread anymore, I've started a thread in the surviving the Big D forum, and will post there. I don't expect that i'll abandon the boards, as I believe that I can offer help to others and want to pay it forward.
Anyway, I want to once again thank everyone that helped me navigate the whirlwind of the last 21months, and especially those that were there for me in the first few months. I needed all of your support, and you gave it without question.
Sandi2, WONKA, you two are incredible people, you really helped me through the darkest times of my life, and while my M was not saved, your guidance helped me save myself.
Thank you for the kind words. I agree that you have a lot to offer others on the board.
Coconut - you will be missed. Swing by and see us some time.
Coconut,
No one wishes any one to walk through the painful journey as a LBS, but I am glad that I could be of some help to you in some way. You have grown over the past several months. My only advice is to be mindful of your trigger happy tendency in being quick to blame others for your mistakes or missteps. True maturing is when one recognizes those mistakes and NOT repeating them nor bringing them over into the next relationship. That is a real growth, my friend.
Now look at this as a new adventure in learning more about Coconut and see how he unfolds like a lotus flower! All the best as you write new chapters in the big book of Coconut!
Be open to new experiences...and pick yourself up if you do fall down at times.
You'll do just fine, buddy.
nice to hear from you all, Wonka, I still have a lot to learn, but I do my best to implement things I've learned into everyday life.. in general, I am striving to be better.
Just note-padding here:
This is something Sandi2 posted on another thread, I wanted to post it here so I can find it later (it's good stuff).
Okay, let's talk about the Alpha and Beta behavior. You are thinking too much about talking to your W. Too much talking is too Beta for most women. Lots and lots of talking is what women do......b/c that is how they are wired. Women are not attracted to a man who talks as much as she does. Do you understand what I mean? I don't mean to never say a word or have a conversation, but we aren't attracted to the chatty-cathy types. If there is a group of men, it's the strong silent type that draws the attraction of a woman.
When you do say something, lead with your words. You are the leader in your family, and in the M. You don't ask her permission, except in very specific circumstances. You tell her what you are doing, and then leave the decision to follow up to her. If she objects you can discuss it. However, not having a plan, or leaving all the planning to her......is Beta. Being weak-willed in how you execute your plan, or even indecisive as you speak to her about your plan, all of that is Beta. Knowing what you are going to do and then communicating that clearly to her is Alpha.
When you speak to her, maintain eye contact. Never drop your eyes or glance around nervously. If she interrupts, let her have her say. You do not interrupt her, b/c that's what women do......not what strong Alpha males do. When you speak.....do it slowly and quietly. You speak out of reason, not out of emotions. Always maintaining your eye contact with her.
An example of Alpha & Beta in an unpleasant situation where the WW is disrespecting the H, being a b'tch, throwing a fit, or whatever. Speaking quietly, but firmly to her, and if warranted, using harsh words and even profanity.....is a strong Alpha move. Pleading with her, whining, interrupting, and raising his tone over hers unnecessarily is Beta.
Learn to posture yourself like a "tall, dark, and handsome" Alpha. Stand and walk with your shoulders back and head held up. Don't slouch. When standing, keep your hands either behind your back, in your pocket. Don't use your hands to talk with. Make slow, deliberate actions, not quick, nervous or jerky.
When out in public with your W, grab her hand to lead her through a crowd. Use her elbow to steer her gently at parties. Place your hand on the small of her back. Put a possessive hand on her arm, her shoulder, or (most Alpha) the back of her neck. Loom ominously over her shoulder. But always ensure that it's YOU who is controlling the action.
Women like to be sexually dominated by a Alpha male. I don't mean domineering. Domineering is not dominating. Women are natural responders. Sometimes, the woman may like to initiate, but the Beta male is always waiting for the woman to lead, or decide, if there will be sex.....and that can lead to a SSM. The Apha male doesn't demand it, but if there's a reason there is no sex, he'll find out what it is....and it will be dealt with. The Beta suffers, while hoping and waiting for his W to call the shots in the bedroom.
If you will go on line and search for male dominance, you can find a beginner's guide that will give basic instructions. I doubt you will find much of it on this forum, but you can research it elsewhere.
It's been awhile since I posted here, I've been spending my time in the post divorce forum, which fits my life now, where I'm at.. Fact is my life is sooo much better than it was the last few years of my M, but that's because I've grown, I've become better. But I'm posting here because I had a moment, I don't think of my old life much, I don't miss being M to ex or spending time with her, but I had a moment yesterday where thoughts of missing out on my sons (step son for those who don't know my sitch) senior year, homecoming, prom, etc.. I gave up my opportunity to have children of my own by staying with ex (she was sterile), but I was more than happy raising the son I did have, but then BD just as he was finishing up junior year in high school. It got to me yesterday, a couple of weeks after he visited, and I let her know she had no right or reason to do what she did, no right to tear me away from my son.. Over two years from BD, there still is no sign of guilt.
I didn't intend to move away from him, but he was a teen who was more interested in being with friends than dad.. Add to that, I worked with ex that made everyday miserable and "running into OM in my neighborhood" and realizing I came very close to ending up in jail.. With that I decided to go, I looked for and found a job in NC, a place I've wanted to move to for 20 years. Life is good, great even, I really enjoy where I'm at and what I'm doing. I'm surrounded by new friends, visit old friends back home (and many visit me here), I dont have a problem finding dates when feel like going out, things are really good. I haven't found love, but I think that may be my own doing, I keep most people at a distance that I feel comfy with, and the very few I've wanted to get closer with have kept me at a distance, we just didn't click.
My point is, there is happiness at the end of this road, it's not sprinkles and rainbow farts, but if you DB, life can be full again... Life doesn't have to be perfect, but you do have to live it for it to be worth it. Things may work out with your S, or maybe they won't, just know that either way, you need to live the life you have to the fullest.
Past is in the past Coco. Get rid of that hard feelings against xw. It´s not healthy for you.You have your own R with your son. Your xw is travelling the selfish route that wws choose. You have told us that it has affected xw-son relation too, so ... But you are there for your son, no matter the distance in between. Of course it is hard but it is what it is now.
Your son is becoming an adult now, he knows where you stand.
hello, Coconut... i want to encourage you to not let your relationship with your son fall away... i have two sons--22 and 17 almost 18... my oldest son became a bit distant with me during his 18/19 - 21 years of age... but literally, since his 21st birthday, he has let me back in and we are closer than ever... maybe because for his 21st birthday he and i shared cognac and cigars--something i had told him we would do once he turned 21 (i had first made that promise to him when he was about 12)... whatever the case, there were times when i felt left out of my son's life during those transitioning-into-an-adult years, but i remained steadfast and consistent in his life, and he has let me back in, and it's beautiful... mis dos centavos...
--artista
Hey Cnut, good to hear from you and glad things are going well! That's a shame about your S, are you at least able to stay in touch with him via text or email? Maybe as he matures he'll want to reconnect with you. Good luck!
I did not mean to imply that my son and I aren't close, I speak to him pretty regularly, I've flown him up here 3 times in the year and 5 months I've been here and I've gone down to visit him in FL about 10 times. We are close, when he was up here for July 4th, he told me that he feels closer to me and my side of the family than anyone else, so our R is not what I was upset about.
What I meant was I didn't get to go to all of his wrestling meets in his senior year (I went to 3 but missed districts and regionals), I didn't get to see him dressed up in his tux heading to prom, I lost a year and a half of saying good morning and good night in person, you know, cheesy stuff like that. My family gets together often and when I see the pics on facebook he is often present, it's those types of moments that I was feeling angry at having missed. Yes I realize that I chose to move away, so you don't need to remind me of that, but honestly in the overall picture it was the best thing I could have done with the situation that I was put in.
These feelings are rare, I really haven't felt down about anything regarding my D in a LONG time, but it hit me the other day. But hey, one bad day in at least 6 months isn't bad
Alienation of Affections.. I heard of it for the first time today on the radio, a man in NC (one of the few states that allows it) sued his wife's affair partner for coming between him and his wife's affection.. He was awarded 9 million dollars
I read that story too, can't imagine it will stand up on appeal but it is pretty amusing to see it go this far
Great to hear you're doing well with your son, it sounded like he was avoiding you but I'm glad I just misunderstood!