Hello all. This forum has been helping keep my sanity and have some degree of hope. Wife returned from a 9 month deployment about a month ago. One week after being home she tells me she wants a divorce. Her reason for the divorce according to her is because she can't forgive me for something I did almost a year ago.
A little background information. Of the past 18 months my wife has been gone away from home for about 15 months. She spent April-September of 2016 away for extended training in another part of the country. I got to see her only twice during that period of time. During her time away training we would frequently get into phone fights about various things. Prior to that I can honestly say I had the best wife ever. We started fighting about petty things. Admittedly she was really stressed during this period of time due to being away from home and our small children. In October of 2016 I found out that she was having secret conversations on FB messenger late at night. FB has a messenger program that allows messages to be sent secretly and the messages will self erase after a period of time. Of note, her and I always had the codes to each others phones, email, etc. We never hid anything from each other. We had no reason to. I was in her phone honestly looking for some unrelated information and stumbled across the message.
I confronted her about the messages and she said she was having conversations with this guy because he would "listen to me" This guy was on the extended training with her from April-September of 2016. She said he knows all about me and its innocent. I asked why the secret messages and she said thats how he wanted to communicate because he didn't want his wife to find out and cause problems.
So at this point from October 2016 until she deployed in JAN of 2017 we started to have more and more problems because her behavior towards me changed and I became insecure about myself and our relationship as a result of the secret messaging.
The reason she says she can't trust me is due to the fact that about 2 weeks after I found the messages her and I got into a big fight (not physical). She called the police on me and I lost it. The police made her leave the house and not me. In the meantime I had her cell phone and proceeded to lock her out of all of her personal accounts, our joint accounts, all email etc. I did this stupidly out of rage and insecurity. I did it thinking I could find more proof of possible cheating and I didn't want her to destroy any information, records, etc. The following day when she came home I gave her her phone back and returned all the passwords to all of the accounts to what they were originally.
From November 2016 until she deployed in in January of 2017 we had up and down days. I went to counseling on my own because she refused to go with me. I implored her to go to counseling because I didn't want her deploying and we have issues still lingering. She refused to go because she said nothing was wrong with her. During the 9 month deployment we had good and bad days. Some days still centered around the guy from FB because he deployed with her. We would argue about once every two weeks. However, during the deployment she would be up and down with her words. Some days she was really nice and encouraging saying we would be fine and could work things out and other days she would be cold and standoffish. 2 weeks before returning from deployment she sent me an emotional message letting me know we would be just fine, will work through our problems and she was willing to go to counseling.
One week after returning from deployment we came home from the store and she motioned me to come into the bedroom. I thought it was for sex. Nope, thats when she dropped the bomb on me. She said she can't get over me locking her out off all the accounts and that she doesn't trust me. Also went on to say she longer feels comfortable talking about serious things with me. Also stated she felt trapped and was exhausted trying to work on the marriage. I asked her about counseling and she declined.
I was already living out of the house about 2 hours away in another city because the military moved me just before she came home from deployment. The plan was for her and our children to follow me down after her deployment. She's now refusing. Told me she doesn't want me coming to the house that I have to have the kids visit with me in the city I now live in 2 hours away. Stopped wearing her ring and has aggressively started towards divorce. She has already moved money out of accounts to new accounts I don't have access to. She split everything evenly. During the past two weeks since I have been away from her I saw her once. I went to visit the kids and spent the night there on a Saturday before her and the kids went on a last minute cruise she booked. Strangely though she contacts me daily for everything from how we are going to proceed with the divorce to simple things that would make one think we are still together. Heck, in fact today she asked me what time I wanted to eat dinner on Thanksgiving and what kind of green vegetables I wanted her to cook.
I have read all the post's about the 37 rules, last resort, detaching etc. I have even had 2 phone sessions with Chuck and I bought 2 of Michele's books.
Not sure if any of this even makes sense to you guys but I'm reaching out for advice. I don't initiate contact with her unless it's something important or about the kids.
Any advice or questions from the group are appreciated. Please respond Cadet, Sandi, Accuracy, Wonka and other vets of the group.
Married 8 years together 9
Me 40 her 35
5 kids between the two of us. I have 2 from my first marriage and she had one.
2 of the 5 kids we had together with each other: 4 and 5 year old girls.
Oldest daughter is 17 ( I adopted her after we married because the dad was a dead beat AWOL dad) My 2 sons from my previous marriage are 14 and 11. This is her second marriage as well
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
TX,
Her bringing up the situation with you locking her out of her phone is a decoy. I would get your mind prepared for her possibly being in a PA. You are ready know she was in a EA.
If she is pursuing D, then going NC is the best move for you. IMHO. Don't try to talk her out of it, let her do all the work. Just let her know, that you are wanting the M to work, but won't stand in her way.
What are the things she has said that made her what to leave the M?
The information you get from Chuck and the information you get on this board will conflict from time to time. You know your W and you have to discern what works best for you sitch. You are going to have to try things and evaluate how they work or don't work and keep a journal or strong mental note on what the effects were. One of the sayings, especially from Sandi is , "Do what works". Only you will know what works and don't work.
From what I have read, your W, has spent more time around this OM, than she has with you and you'll family. IMO, her and this OM have developed a bond. Your W has to know you won't tolerate and open M. So, your W has to understand what she is losing if she loses you.
Stop talking to her about the M and the R. Stop asking her to go to counseling. You go on your own, when she is ready to go she will let you know.
Also, if you haven't told her you want tolerate her talking to the OM, tell her this once, in a calm and stern voice. Don't be begging and crying. You have to make this statement from a strong stance. Once you say, don't get drawn into an argument. Your stance on this is not up for debate.
This is a not a sprint it's a marathon, get ready for the roller coaster ride and buckle in tight.
There are some great people on this forum.
From my perspective, the hardest concepts to get down, are detaching (with love) and doing 180s. I read the threads to those as much as can. Refresh yourself on these as much as you can.
180s are for yourself, please remember that, they are not to win your W back. If your 180s are done right, she will notice your changes and want to come back on her own. Your are doing 180s to correct the problems you created in the M, so you can become a better person.
Detaching with love, is you letting go of your W and to notion that the only outcome is the M working out. Only then can you fully move forward and become healthier. You don't become mean, bitter, disrespectful, look for other women, or push your W away. You just let go and GAL (Get a Life). You take a deep look at yourself and problems you cause in the M, and do a deep self reflection on what has caused you to become the man you are at this point. (You are becoming a person only a fool would leave).
A lot of men on here, have what is called the NGS (Nice Guy Syndrome). Read those books with the one's you have already from MWD (Michele Weaner Davis). What most of us realized is we have this NGS. Start to work on fixing these issues as well.
Love on your children harder. IMO, this is a time to strengthen your bond with your children. Find ways to do things with them without your W. Make moments with them they will never forget. Also, never let them see you down, or involved them in the problems of your M. Let them be kids and protect from the chaotic problems at the moment. Your W is still their mother and that can't be changed. Don't try to ruin those relationship out of pain she has caused you.
Stay strong, and begin DBing (Divorce Busting). We will be here when you need us.
Hi all,
I spent Thanksgiving at the house with her and the kids. During the day she was pleasant and it seemed like she was my wife and we had no problems. She did all the normal things for me that she would usually do. Her mood quickly changed at about 6 in the evening. We both were casually talking about going out shopping for stuff for the kids. I loosely recommended that maybe we could go together to get stuff for the kids. She quickly lashed out at me and said "I'm not going shopping with you like everything is ok. We won't be doing this in the future so we no need in doing it now." I could tell she was really itching to get out of the house. After that flare up I told her I was heading back to my apartment 2 hours away so I wouldn't be in her space and making her feel "awkward "I told her I we would just tell the kids I got called into work unexpectedly. I'm work in the medical profession so that would not be unbelievable to the kids. She quickly said "No, I'll just go stay at a hotel" I found that interesting considering how she seemed like she really wanted to get out of the house. After a bit of back and forth between us she said she was going to go to bed but she also told me she was going shopping early in the morning so I need to be prepared to take care of the kids early. She left at about 6 and came home just after 11. Before she came home she asked me if I needed her to bring me anything. I said no and she then asked what I was doing. After she came home I told her I was going out to the mall. She seemed shocked and almost disappointed that I was leaving right as she was coming home. I ended up going to the mall and seeing a movie 2 hours away where my apartment is. I was trying to practice detaching and staying out of her presence because that's what she said she wanted. She text me while I was in the movies asking if I was coming home for the night. I told her no and she went into attack mode telling me how I am a bad father for not coming home and being with my kids.
Why in the world would she care if I came home or not?
Why does she offer little things her and there for me if she wants to be divorced? I mean she asked me what time I wanted to eat on Thanksgiving, what dessert I wanted and what type of green vegetables. I think that's just odd seeing how she wants to be divorced as soon as she possibly can.
Another odd thing is she has text me everyday since she dropped the bomb on me which was Halloween. Some texts are discussing the divorce and others are general small talk. Again, I think this is weird considering how she wants me to be out of her space and wants a divorce.
JoeJoe1 I see you're here in San Antonio as well. What a small and interesting world we live in.
TXS77,
I'm sorry that you find yourself here, but it is a blessing that you did. You will receive advice from people that have seen this a thousand time and been through it themselves. It's up to you if you listen to them, I recommend you do. Right now, you have A LOT of homework to do and I recommend detaching and going dark until you have a foundation of knowledge and a plan with an honest assessment of where you stand. You're confused and in denial of the seriousness of your wife actions and capabilities. Read Cadet's links. This is going to be hard, it won't be over soon, and it is going to get worse before it gets better. But, it does get better, there is hope, and you CAN do this. IMHO, at this point in your marriage, you can only do harm to the sitch. You can't fix this yet. You need to read Cadet's links. Buy the books. There is a long road in front of you so don't feel like you can/should fix this ASAP, but you do need to get started ASAP. Did I mention read Cadet's link? We're here for you. Use this as a place to vent your anger, pain, confusion, hopes, doubts, fears, whatever. We're her for you. May god carry you through.
-Cube
Hi Cube,
I appreciate your reply. That's just it, I am aware of my wife's seriousness and capabilities and honestly sometimes it scares me. She is a strong willed person and has proven in the past she can walk away from someone or a situation without hesitation. I just get confused on why she is polite at times the way she is. Last night I had to go back to the house to get our S14 and bring him back with me. He is living with me because the plan before she came back from deployment was for S14 to start his freshman year of HS with me. W was supposed to come back from deployment and move down here with me in the summer after our D17 graduates from high school. I digressed. Anyways, last night we went out to a fast-food restaurant and dined in. She sat directly next to me and was leaning in on me showing me pictures of her and our D's 4&5 from the cruise they just came from. She was polite and didn't come off as wanting out of her space. Fast forward to today. I told her I was going to get on the road headed back to the apartment at a specific time. Well I didn't leave at the exact time I said I would. She came into our bedroom and "hey, I just checked GPS and it looks like traffic is really backing up. I don't want you on the road getting tied up in traffic and having problems" She came off sounding loving and concerned vs a woman who wants a D ASAP. I gathered the last few things I needed to take with me and was preparing to leave out the door. I gave our little D's each and kiss and I told the W "I'll see you later" as I was walking out the door. She replied "OK, please be safe" but again in a loving and concerned tone. She's doing things that indicate she's working fast at the D but I still struggle with how she contacts me daily and is pleasant with me the majority of the time. From most of the posts I've read the majority of the WAW's seem to disappear and go radio silent on the LBH's.
TXS,
I live I SA. I'm in the Army and I'm stationed here. Why do you live 2 hours away. Do you and your wife have different MOS?
You need to believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Listen, IMO your W, ushered you out the door the other day so she could spend time with her OM, either on the phone or somehow in person. She knows if she is nice about thimgs she gets a better reaction oit of you. So her being concerned about traffic is a ploy.
Don't read to much into the texts. Until your W says she wants to work on the M and breaks it off with OM, her text dont mean much, unless its about the kids.
WWs are slick and cunning, my wife was as well. Start DBing now. No R or M talk. Lovinly detach, do 180s, and GAL. All of these concepts takes time to learn, so start now. You will have hicupps, so be prepared. When you call, get right back up and start over. You will have set backs, you DB good for days or weeks and you will have one slip up. Don't worry, dust yourself off and het to DBing again.
I have to agree with joejoe, my XWW is still phoning me to check up on me. As though she needs to make sure that i'm still somehow thinking about her. Can't even recall her name... lol
The WS needs to know that they are wanted. If they are not wanted by you, then they have no reason to fight for your attention. Give them no attention, you cannot understand the reasons why they do things, so take them at face value only. She acts nice, then thats what it is - her ACTING nicely.
You then act nice too, acting nice should be your persona at all times.
Oh my........another family with five kids, and a W that wants to split.
The first thing I will tell you is to take every "excuse" she gives you for her distancing, or her turning to other men, or whatever.......as complete b.s. Your W is
cheating. She will scrape together anything she can think of to blame you for her current behavior. Don't buy into it. Those are the actions of a W who wants out of her M, b/c she is cheating.
You will be better off if you won't try to read into her actions, b/c she's just like a needle & thread in stitch work...........up, down, around, pull through and repeat. She will drive you crazy watching her ever changing moods and actions. Don't put much stock into her short bursts of more pleasant "nice" moments. They won't last, as long as she has another guy in her head.
Do not take responsibility for her turning to another man to "talk".......or anything else. She could have found a female who would "listen to her". Women choose to cheat, and much as they want to justify it by the bad actions of their H.........it just does not equate to cheating. You mentioned her strong will. She also has free will, and you have not made her do anything she didn't want.
This is probably going to take a long time, so strap in for the ride of your life.
Ok so the saying is believe nothing that they say and half of what they do. Sandi you even told me to strap on for the ride of my life. Well, today she took me on a helluva ride. She was loosely discussing how she can't afford the mortgage, note on the SUV, etc. on her own. Well, about an hour ago I got a phone call from her while she was at the car dealership. She traded in the Denali XL suv without discussing anything with me. She lost money on the deal "big time" according to her. I have no idea what she bought but I think it'a a Toyota Camry. I wonder how in the hell thats going to haul around 5 kids. I calmly told her my opinion and hung the phone up. She sent me a text about 20 minutes later saying "I'm sorry if I upset you........." I replied she could have swallowed her pride and could have asked me for help (which I offered to her just yesterday when she text me saying she was was still thinking about downgrading) I finished by telling her it's no longer my problem and I got the fact that she wants to make her own decisions and that from here on out she is operating on her own.
I think this is a very clear sign that she is going to file for the big D.
Sandi have you in your time heard of anything so wild?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Help Please!
Ok, so today I get an email with a receipt from Apple iTunes for a ringtone purchase. The receipt was for a country artist song that is highly sexual and suggestive in nature. I read the lyrics of the song and the song is discussing a man and a woman having an explosive love encounter and experience. Why does this matter you ask? Well, my W only buys ringtones when she is going to assign it to the phone number of a specific person. She is not a fan of country music and I know darn well the song is not intended for me. Well today we were talking on the phone about business and money matters, how are we going to split the bills etc. and I ask her about the song. Her whole mood changed and she got really upset and snappy when I asked her about the song. I probably should have not asked the song because I know why she has the song but I couldn't resist. I wanted her to be aware that I knew. It seems that she forgot that I get emailed receipts for song purchases. It's the little things that always catch people up in their lies. Needless to say I got a notice that she removed herself from the family iTunes music account after we got off the phone. Should I have left it alone or was this a good way of putting it out there to her that I know what the deal is? Of note, my friend from college and his wife are having a scheduled delivery in Dallas this weekend. She asked her parents to watch the kids because "we" would be going up there to see them. But then she goes on to tell me that she is driving by herself and staying in Dallas alone the whole weekend. I called her bluff on it. I told her not to worry about going to see my friends on their special day. I told her that they would be suspect of her being there "alone" without me. I do believe she was going to see them but I think she was going to use the time to also be their with the OM. She got even more upset and told me "that's fine" and that she "still won't be home for the weekend" and the kids would be in San Antonio with her parents. This adds more to my belief about her linking up with someone else.
Do you think I'm wrong in my position?
Do you think I'm wrong in my position?
TXS77,
You're spot-on; she's having an affair.
Regarding the ring tone, don't feel bad about mentioning that. If her intentions were good, she wouldn't have any problem with you asking about it. Her response speaks volumes.
You might want to invite yourself along on that trip to Dallas.
TXS77,
She is def having an A. She's getting upset and resentful towards you everytime you get in the way of her plans.
It's time to detach. The earlier and faster you can get these techniques down the better chance you have.
Its time to let her go on her own journey and you on yours. She is in a fantasy, its time for you to become the better option and make yourself a person only a fool would leave.
Anytime you get in the way of her fantasy she will blow up or get agitated at you.
Take yourself out of the equation.
Stop calling and texting her. When you go to see your kids. Do just that. Let her know how long you will be there. When your time with your kids are up. Leave the house, don't sit around waiting to have a conversation with her. Only have conversations about your kids.
When she calls you ignore it. If she texts, thats its an emergency don't ignore her. All other situations, take your time with replying.
Give her space. AS has this saying that goes, you want to push her and her OM as close together as possible. Only then will reality start to set in. Her fantasy has to be hit with a dose of reality.
My Wife told me that one day I came home and said, you are pissed and it can't be at me, it must be because of something that happened with the OM. She told me that pissed her off even more because I was right, bit at the time she wasnt going to let me know I was right.
Its time to strap in and hold on tight, because a wild ride follows.
Thanks doodler and joejoe1 for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it. Goodness is great to have you two and others willing to jump in and help out. I think I'm going to follow your advice joejoe1 and do all I can to help them implode together.
joejoe1 as you already understand she will never admit to the A because she is on Active Duty just like me. Only thing is I'm here in San Antonio and she is 2 hours up the road at you know where. I don't want to be too specific about things. joejoe1 maybe we might be able to link up one day so you can give me some advice in person.
I'm trying my hardest to go dark and detach but dangit it seems like something happens everyday that we have to communicate with each other. Most often it's text but sometimes the phone calls happen. We have so many things going on between us with money, kids, career that we somehow always are in contact. 80-90% of the time it's her reaching out to me and it's usually about something she's doing with regard to the D.
What do each of you think about my earlier post and her trading in her vehicle?
Thanks
I think the situation with car you should move on from. It has happened so let her live with that decision. You can't control her, so don't even try.
We can meet up. I have my boys this weekend W is going out of town on a girls trip.
She does have a lot to lose if the A is exposed.
Next weekend I should be free. I used to make that 2 hour drive all the time. I was stationed in SA from 09-11, then got stationed up there.
Detaching, is you not intiating the conversations. Its not you not having them. If you donhave them, they should be short and to the point. If she is pursuing D, let her do all the work. Dont beg her to stop, dont get in her way. You DB your A$$ off. Give her the best TXS77 she has ever seen.
Also like I mentioned in the earlier post. Dont be in a rush to get back to her text. Don't answer all her phone calls. Start to create a little mystery. I used meetup.com and met all kind of nee people all over SA. It was a great way to GAL. It took my mind off my Sitch as well.
I play basketball at Randolph Brooks in the evening as well. Maybe we could me there.
Just text her to ask to video chat with the kids. She responded telling me she was out and I need to call my sister to speak to them. I get on the phone talking to the kids and without promoting the eventually tell me "mommy is out and has been out every night" I asked my sister if that in fact is true and she confirms it. Tells me that the W has been out everynight. Couple of nights she was out watching "basketball and football". I found that odd. It didn't bother me though funny enough. I'm like let them spend all the time together they need/want. I think I have a good idea of who it may be. She's gonna have egg on her face when he drops her like a rock. If it's who I think it is he's about 7-8 years younger than her but has no kids and has never been married. I'll admit he does have something going for him. $h!T make no mistake I do too. Nonetheless, he'll tire of her quickly, especially when my sister leaves and will no longer be her nighttime baby sitter.
Let the games begin.........
Don't let this OM have any of your energy. Get him off your brain. It's not competition between the two of you. It's your W. You decide to stay or leave. You will get to that point. Get detaching and DBing.
Sandi have you in your time heard of anything so wild?
I'm afraid I have. Women who have a wayward heart and have engaged in some type of an affair (PA, EA, or IA) have been known to show the worst side of womanhood.
In cases with waywardness, I have not seen success come from a H using soft, passive behavior. It calls for tough love, and a lot of newcomers are not willing to do it. So, the WW plays all sorts of manipulating games with her H.
You cannot fix your W's waywardness. Waywardness springs from resentment, disrespect, and rebellion. It is motivated by selfishness. Your W will not be interested in things from which she does not benefit. Everything is about her.
You cannot be a friend to a wayward W. She disrespects you, and is being unfaithful to you. If you act as if you want to compromise your values, integrity, morals/spiritual beliefs........why would she respect you as a man? You are not in competition with this OM for your W.
I think it is a mistake to try and help your W pay for the debts she causes. It is a mistake to rescue her and bail her out of her own messes.
That is tough love, and it's hard. If you try to rescue her, thinking you are helping the chances of your MR.......she will drain you dry, and you won't be able to support your kids. I have seen WW lie, cheat, deceive, and con the H like you couldn't believe. They will use every trick in the book, ruin the H's credit, and drain the bank accounts. I'm warning you right now, protect your money! Protect everything you have by seeing a lawyer and getting advice.
Obviously, your W is not using good judgement. One reason is b/c she is operating from one place.......her emotions. And, her emotions are one hot mess! You cannot trust her. This is not the girl you married.
I am not supporting D, in case you misunderstand. I am supporting you, and those five kids, by warning you of the ways of a WW. IMHO, a WW can turn back in the right direction. It doesn't come like most newcomer H's want to think......but it can happen. You've got to be smart, get the information, and don't act on emotions......b/c you are probably bouncing off the walls trying different approaches. Stick with us, and apply what you are learning, and settle in.......b/c it isn't likely to end quickly.
I have about a half dozen threads about the WW and newcomer LBH's. The first link is on Cadet's first post to you. Help for the newcomer LBH with a WW. It might help you with some insight, and save some time, if you are interested in looking at them.
I suggest you take Sandi's earning very seriously. Being nice and passive will never work. And the WW will not hesitate to manipulate you. My own W tried to clean out the house thinking I was at work. Pulled right up with MIL and SIL. And this was the day after my grandmother passed away. No shame whatsoever. Wanted to take advantage of my vulnerability. The past year of my sitch consisted of always staying ahead of her. Never let your guard down for a moment.
Thanks Sandi and Thread for taking the time to respond. Your feedback is appreciated. Well, I went to the house yesterday and my D17 pulled me aside and said "Dad, I really need to tell you something. Mom is cheating". I was floored. She confirmed the OM to be who I thought it was. Recap, the W and I alive about 2 hours away from each other because I got stationed at another base. Original plan was for W and the rest of the family to move where I am after she returned from deployment. My younger sister was staying with the kids for the final 2 months that the W was deployed after I moved to my new duty station.
OM is a guy who she deployed with. D17 told me he has been to the house multiple times and had dinner with the family. My sister confirmed it. They both grew really suspicious when they noticed how the W and OM were behaving around each other. My sister said she has come home and found him at the house while the kids were at school but didn't think anything of it at first because the W was his boss in Iraq. My sister just wrote the couple of times she saw him there as meaningless. She said that changed when my D17 asked her about it and wondered why he was coming over for dinner and why the W was gone from the house so much leaving D17 and my sister to care for D's 4,5. D17 said she would look in the garage at 2-3 in the morning and W car would be missing.
I told D17 that she is right, that her mom is cheating. No need in lying to her in my opinion, she already can see what is going on. D17 is furious at her mom.
I made contact with OM and let him know clearly that I will destroy his universe if he ever comes to my house again or around my children. I know someone that was able to prove me with his number. I told him this is one and only courtesy call about the issue. He apologized with a bunch of weak excuses and said he got my message loud and clear. I outrank him significantly so he knows I can crush his career with a few actions on my part. I don't see the need to do so but I will not hesitate if he crosses my line.
W knows that I have spoken to OM. She knows that D17 and my sister have told me what she has been doing. Of course she denies it all and tries to tell me I'm reaching for something that's not there and overreacting. I told her I didn't care what she said and I know she is lying.
Sandi you told me to strap in and that things would get worse before they get better.
Here we go!
Thoughts?
TXS77,
People in her unit know whats going on. But its time for you to DB hard. To no contact has to happen. Its time for her to start feeling what its like to lose you. She still have your sister and daughter taking care of her responsibilities. You need to start calling her. Don't threaten or call the OM again. You told him your boundary, now everything from here on out needs to be actions and not words.
You W has lost respect for you. You have to gain that respect back.
Your W is going to lie. She is a cheater, lying is easy for them. She's going to recreate reality. Next shes going to find every reason in the world to blame you for everything that has gone wrong. Pull yourself out of her crazy world for now and let her deal with her mistakes and consquences.
TXS77,
It's going to get crazier. Hold on!
Everything needs to have an order to it. One way to slow down the constant texting throughout the 24 hr period, is to have a set time that you correspond with her about business, kids, etc. If you randomly contact her to chat with the kids, it places you at the mercy of her confenience.
You should have a schedule for both parents when they can video chat with the kids, and it's best not to have it right before their bedtime (for small kids), IMHO. Why not suggest this to her?