married 9 1/2 years, we dated for 5 years
2 kids: 8yr old boy and 5yr old girl
Im 43yrs old and my wife is 36
So much has happened in the last 5 weeks I hardly no where to begin. Nevermind, Ill start with this Spring. My wife decided this Spring to really focus on her health and fitness. This is the age (36) her mother was when she passed away and my wife wanted to make it a focus that she would use this year to get in the best shape of her life. So she has gone bonkers for the gym life. I was fine with it for a while because I understood where she was coming from but it was taking a lot of her time. She had a male personal trainer which I wasn't real fond of her having and she decided to start training for a fitness show for next Spring. Which to me met more time away from her family as the training was only going to increase.
5 or 6 weeks ago I discovered on her ipad some communication with her Personal Trainer that seemed more than just business and I also noticed some google searches that related to him that were not things a happily married wife should probably be searching for. At this point Im not sure if the PT knows anything about this or if my wife is having a fantasy about an affair. Either way, I confronted my wife, not about what I saw so much but just letting her know that she has been distant from the kids and I and also that her having a male PT was worrying me. That's when it all came out. She denied anything for the PT but this is when she told me that she is checked out of our marriage and she isn't sure she wants to check back in. She says she stopped loving me a few years ago and has just been going through the motions until recently when she when she just checked out, focused on the gym and establishing her new friends.
I of course panicked! I instantly turned in to Super Husband! I talked with my work and was given weekends off to spend with my family, I finished all of the unfinished projects around the house, I cleaned everything, was over attentive to her which she pulled away from. She told me that she needed me to be like that 2 years ago and that she needs space.
I was a roller coaster for the next 3-4 weeks which made things worse. I wrote her heart felt letters and pleaded for forgiveness one day and then the next day would be upset and a mess. I looked pitiful and I almost think I did just as much damage over these past 4 weeks then I did the prior 2 years. I told her I would give her space and I moved out but only for about 4 nights. At the time she didnt want me to move out but giving her space and still living at home didnt seem to be working. I hated being away so I moved back in, I felt like I had abandoned my kids even though I was still driving over and picking them up from school and being with them until evening. She wasn't thrilled with the idea of me coming back, she was liking her freedom. I was back though and I stayed out of her hair, I was in the other living room just reading books and such while she watched tv and messaged people on her cell phone.
I have been taking the kids for the weekends and just getting out of town and doing fun stuff with them and giving her the space she desired. This last weekend I was taking them to her parents cabin and just going to relax and let the kids have fun. Her parents invited me down. Last Thursday night, she came home 2 hours late from the gym. She said because she needed to go to walmart but all she had was 1 sack with a few items. I didn't question because Im giving her space but I suspected. The next morning I was given some information that she has been sneaking away from the gym when possible with someone she works out with. At the time I was devastated, shaking, upset... I just couldnt believe my wife would go to that level after she has sworn to me that she would never to anything like that to me. I got the kids out of school early and stopped by her work on the way to the cabin so she could say goodbye to the kids for the weekend. I took her outside, informed her that I knew she was cheating on me and that I wanted a divorce. I said I would move out again when I got back and that she should file this coming week. She didn't deny the affair and only asked why I thought she was cheating on me a month ago when she wasnt. I just said I could see the path you were on and if you weren't yet it was probably coming.
I went away for the weekend, never mentioned any of this to her parents or talked about anything with our relationship. They know everything already as it is their daughter but they love us both and would like to see us together. On my way back home after the weekend (its a 5hr drive) I did a lot of thinking. I have always told myself that if I was cheated on that would be it no matter what. On this drive, I convinced myself that my family is worth it to much for me to just throw in the towel. We didnt talk much when I got home, tension was thick and nobody knew what the other was feeling after fridays conversation. I slept at home that night on the couch and I continued to move out on Monday. I spent all day Monday and Tuesday thinking about my family. I spoke with her on Tuesday evening and asked if she had filed yet. She said she went to the lawyers office on Monday and spoke with them but did not file yet. I asked if it was ok if she held off and that I just dont want to give up without at least trying to save this marriage. I told her I understand that she needs space and if she would agree to just seperate for now, give it some time and if later we want a divorce we can discuss that then but lets see what actually giving you some space does for us down the road. She agreed to give it some space but she was skeptical and almost reluctant. I mean she has seen me go back and forth every other day for the last 4 weeks I can understand why.
So that brings us up to date. I turned in some apps with some apartments and I'm staying with a close friend. I pick the kids up every day after school and help them with homework and play with them until Mom is off work and then I take them back to her where they go to the gym with her. And I get the kids on the weekends which gives her space and gives me some awesome time with my kids. It's only been a few days but so far Ive stuck to my guns and haven't slipped up and dialed her up or cornered her with questions. In fact I dropped the kids off at the front steps, give them my kisses and drive off without looking for her or talking to her. Ive told myself I'm not going inside that house unless invited.
Here are my current dilemas. 1) My kids are crushed. I am very close with both of them. They want to know when Im coming home. They are mad at mom and I tell them not to be. I tell them its nobodies fault and that Mom and I just arent seeing eye to eye and we need some space and that no matter what happens we will both love them just as much then as we do now. It doesn't change anything though, they cry when i leave, they cry when they call me at night to say goodnight and my son asked if he could live with me instead of Mom. This part is very hard on me and I feel like Im letting them down for moving out. 2) My wife says she needs her space and I think that she does but I am just giving her a free pass to see other people. I mean if she's going to be seeing other people its probably going to happen whether Im around or not. Im wanting to give her space too so she may start missing me but I cant stop thinking that she is just getting kid free weekend to explore other relationships. I dont know the extent of the extra marital engagements but I know they are inappropriate for a married person to be having.
Do I continue to stay away and just keep avoiding contact with her unless she reaches out to me? I do feel its the best thing if we ever have a chance but the thought of her building stronger relationships with others kills me.
p.s. I just discovered this forum yesterday and watched Michele's video on "walk away wives". It was us to a T, I wish I could have shown her this video weeks ago just so she could see that it isn't just her that has felt the way she does. Maybe someday I can show it to her but now just seem like a good time.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Hi Don....sorry you are here and for you sitch but you are in good hands.
The general advice around here is for the LBS to not move out of his home or the MBR. If anyone leaves it is the cheater.
Read Sandi's reflections below and the link's cadet provided and that should hopefully help get you off to a good start. Also if you don't want a D stop talking out D or your R in general. Additionally stop all pursuing activities immediately.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2653323&page=1
Hi Don....sorry you are here and for you sitch but you are in good hands.
The general advice around here is for the LBS to not move out of his home or the MBR. If anyone leaves it is the cheater.
Read Sandi's reflections below and the link's cadet provided and that should hopefully help get you off to a good start. Also if you don't want a D stop talking out D or your R in general. Additionally stop all pursuing activities immediately.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2653323&page=1 Thank you for linking that, I read it over. I have decided to flip a 180 and just be blunt with my wife but it's only been the last 48hrs or so when I realized the sappy, depressed loser tactic wasn't going to get me anywhere. My issue is that I have already moved out, should I have not? and if not should I move back in? It does seem to be easier on the two of us with me not being in the house. Harder on the kids but I'm trying to look towards the future. So my mindset now is no contact with her, only reply to her texts or answer her phone calls but no calls or texts from me, no questions, no prying, no involvement at all, only replies. The last 2 days when I've brought the kids back to her I have not gone in, I kiss them each in the driveway and drive away without saying or seeing anything from her. With me already moved out (4 days now) I'm thinking I should just remain moved out otherwise it seems like Im flip flopping once again. Any advise?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thank you for linking that, I read it over.
Your welcome, I have literally spent hours reading posts on this forum from the vets to really help me process my situation.
My issue is that I have already moved out, should I have not?
IMO move back in........but I am not a vet so please wait for a few more folks to chime in. They are always lurking
if not should I move back in?
Again I would say Yes......there have been other men who have moved out of there house and their W moved their AP in. I don't think you want that to happen.
It does seem to be easier on the two of us with me not being in the house.
Why can't she move out? I think most people would say don't make it easy on her.
So my mindset now is no contact with her, only reply to her texts or answer her phone calls but no calls or texts from me, no questions, no prying, no involvement at all, only replies.
The general thought is to only reply to those text's that are actionable where she asks you a question and you need to give a response back. The guidance is also to not respond right away because you are busy having a great life.
Good on the other, don't initiate anything unless it is kid related or finances.
The last 2 days when I've brought the kids back to her I have not gone in, I kiss them each in the driveway and drive away without saying or seeing anything from her. With me already moved out (4 days now) I'm thinking I should just remain moved out otherwise it seems like Im flip flopping once again. Any advise?
Kid pick up and drop off was hard at first for me. I always tried to act upbeat, happy and polite. I also made sure I was looking good with new clothes, etc. I made sure my appearance was spot on! I didn't know what to say at first so I just kept the conversation short, to the point and got out as quickly as I could. I tried not to linger and tried to be the first to end the conversation and leave.
With me already moved out (4 days now) I'm thinking I should just remain moved out otherwise it seems like Im flip flopping once again. Any advise?
IMO you need to move back in but wait for the folks with far more experience than I. I think they will tell you that you are going to have to get lovingly tough with your W. You've been doing something thinking and you know I just don't agree that I should be the one to move out etc.
Again wait for some additional advice as I am still very new with my process and most of what I am typing to you about is what I have picked up along the way.
Here is another thread for you to review....maybe you can pick up some stuff from it in the meantime.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2668431&page=2Just keep posting, someone is always here!!!
Don23,
The typical response on this forum is that the cheater should be the the one that moves out. I agree with that.
Since you've already moved out, you may want to talk to a lawyer and find out what laws apply to your particular situation.
Don23,
I would move back in, do you pay the mortgage? Do you pay the bills? Since she is the one that wants out, she should be the one to leave. Don't make this process easy for her.
she pays the mortgage. I pay the utilities. She makes 3 times what I make.
Don23,
Also, you want to be attractive and confident. You need to go back to the house with confidence, don't be rude, mean, spiteful, or arrogant. You are the man of that house, no matter how your wife is acting, you still take on your role as man of your house. Don't let no person run you from your domain. A confident man, protects, his family and home.
Don23,
I would move back in, do you pay the mortgage? Do you pay the bills? Since she is the one that wants out, she should be the one to leave. Don't make this process easy for her.
She pays the mortgage and I pay the bills. She makes 3 times what I make.
Don23,
I would move back in, do you pay the mortgage? Do you pay the bills? Since she is the one that wants out, she should be the one to leave. Don't make this process easy for her.
She pays the mortgage and I pay the bills. She makes 3 times what I make.
Can you afford to pay them on your own, at all?
Did she kick you out? If not go back home, to your house, is your name on the loan? In a marriage property is communal. Don't worry about how much she makes.
Can you afford to pay them on your own, at all?
well the mortgage wouldn't be much more than a nice apartment (nice with xtra room for the kids) so I could swing it for a while but it would really tap me for any extra income. Not to mention if I am moved out for a while I will most likely have her take over the utilities which would make the apartment life much more affordable.
Did she kick you out? If not go back home, to your house, is your name on the loan? In a marriage property is communal. Don't worry about how much she makes.
she didnt kick me out. I moved out a few weeks ago and at that time she didnt like the idea (even though she wanted space) but the home life and the sneakiness was killing me. Anyway, that lasted about 4 days and I was back. After being gone she didnt really want me to move back in, she said she wanted her space. I moved in anyway. Then when I discovered the sneaking off and being with another man (still unsure of the extent but at the very least her intentions are not good) I asked for a Divorce and I moved out for the 2nd time. Currently just staying with a friend while apartment searching. After being away for a few days I no longer want the divorce, at the present time and for the family I dont like the thought of just giving up. Now that I have moved out twice in 2 weeks and asked for a Divorce last Friday and then changed my mind on Tuesday. Do I just move back in? Even though I feel that this space may be helping, I really dont know I just get the feeling that it is. Me being at home with her is just awkward because it is nothing like it was when we loved each other. So if we need to be in seperate homes and its her wanting space and her seeking other relationships should I ask why she isnt the one moving out? Even though me taking on the mortgage, keeping the bills would be critical to my funds, not to mentioned my work schedule doesn't cooperate with the kids school schedule very well.
I guess, a good question is do you want to go back home or do you want to stay in a apartment? Because the statement below says you rather be in an apartment.
Can you afford to pay them on your own, at all?
Not to mention if I am moved out for a while I will most likely have her take over the utilities which would make the apartment life much more affordable.
I guess, a good question is do you want to go back home or do you want to stay in a apartment? Because the statement below says you rather be in an apartment.
the only thing that wants me back home is the kids. i am a better father than she is mother. I do get to see them every day and have been taking them on the weekends so I get a lot of good quality time. I just hate the times I'm missing with them. I feel like they think I am choosing to leave them too since I was the one that left and not mom. I was even asked by my son why mom doesnt move out. If there were no kids I would have no problem staying in the apartment.
Don.......what it she moved in the Om in your house?
Don23,
You didn't answer my question, DO YOU (I'm not screaming at you) want to stay in a apartment? If you want to be at home with your kids. Go back home. It's your house. You can live in the house and finds ways to get out and spend the least amount of time around her. Read up on GAL(Get a Life) and detaching. I'm still in the home with my wife and I have all kind of things going on. I went hiking on Tuesday night and to a New Comers Brief Wednesday night. I'm doing landscaping around the house that keep me outside on the days I'm at the house. You can live in the house with your W.
Don.......what it she moved in the Om in your house?
just dont see that happening but if so then I would get my kids out or tell her to get her own place and then continue with the divorce.
Oh man. Well first of all, sorry you find yourself here!
Second, wow you've been all over the place and switching directions constantly. Just settle down, this is a MARATHON not a sprint. It's going to take a long, long time to resolve this. You're talking at least many months if not a year or more. It didn't happen overnight even though it seems like it to you. And it's not going to be fixed overnight either.
Third, you shouldn't have moved out. She wants to break up the M and have a fling, SHE should move out. That house is your kids' home, it is their safe place in this time of turmoil. Why should YOU be inconvenienced by finding a (probably much smaller) place to live and why should YOU deal with having to take your kids to a strange place that is NOT home? Answer- you shouldn't. If at all possible move back home. Your W should be the one "inconvenienced" by her desire to leave the M. I'm not saying kick her out, legally you can't. But don't leave the house. I've read too many sitches here where the LBS leaves the house and the WAS promptly moves OM in. Picture that, on top of everything else she's got an OM living in YOUR house with YOUR kids.
Please read DR, it's your roadmap. Also get a DB coach if you can afford it, they are awesome. Quit pursuing her, quit talking about D, remove all pressure. Read Sandi's rules several times a day and follow them as best you can:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2230603Hang in there and post often! We'll help you as best we can
Whatever you do don't leave your house. If you think you feel bad now, then seeing OM in and out of the house. Spending more time with children than you will definitely mess with your head. Especially if your still paying the mortgage.
Of it makes you feel better:
Mother who died young? Check
Inappropriate gym relations? Check
You are not alone. And yes, move back in. You are making this way too easy on her.
As of right now the OM isn't really an affair. I'm not sure just how far the relationship has progressed with him. He is part of her circle of new friends from the gym. He is a single father of a 7yr old girl and he has his own home. All but one of her closest friends even knows about him and as far as I know it has just been an emotional connection. He is providing the fun times that she has been missing out on with me. Obviously I dont like where it is headed but I really doubt she would move anyone in unless we were divorced. She would be so frowned on by each of our families and she knows the kids would not stay with her. She doesn't want a divorce by the way, I guess im a backup plan or something because she doesn't love me anymore. I think she's afraid to lose the family or is holding on to a tiny bit of hope that there may still be something between us. But it is killing me to just sit back and wait while she is out having a good time with her new found friends that I am not allowed to be a part of. I am getting some real quality time with my kids though since this weekend will be the 4th in a row that I get them all to myself and we make the most of it. It's disturbing that she is so eager to give them up each weekend considering during the week she really doesnt spend much time with them. She works an hour before school starts so the neighbors take them to school. I pick them up from school at 330 and help them with their homework and have them read to me. I drop them off at the house around 5 when she is home from work and she takes them to the gym where they go to daycare for 2 hours. She takes them home around 8 and they go to bed at 9. She literally spends an hour with them each day and even that time is mostly spent on her phone or making dinner...its not real quality time. No wonder they love seeing me. Anyway, its disturbing. She's not the same woman she was just a few months ago and I would love to have that woman back!
Sorry, I think you have to assume the worst, that your w is having a PA with this dude. Every evening and weekend with "gym friends"?
Sorry, I think you have to assume the worst, that your w is having a PA with this dude. Every evening and weekend with "gym friends"?
yes, every night she goes to the gym and works out. She is enrolled in various classes. She doesn't do anything with the group afterwards or anything since she has the kids and needs to get them back home. I know of a few instances that she has hung out with them on the weekends, like boating and such. Not sure about the night life. She hasn't brought anyone back to our home. Another thorn in the whole thing is she has a close friend from High School that is going through a divorce and this seems to be the only friend she now communicates with and Im sure her friend would love to see her new found friend divorced too so they could have so much fun together. She lives in our old town a few hours away but she is supposed to be coming in to town this weekend to hang out.
Don23,
The sooner you can get your on life, the better your success will be. Please read up on GAL. You are in assume mode. You dont have facts. Your wife is not he woman you married at this point. We subscribe to assume the worst on here so you can prepare yourself if it comes to that. I have 4 boys, I GAL as much as possible. I have lost almost 40 pounds and I'm cutting up. My wife is looking. Become a person only a fool would leave. Make it hard on ypur wife to make a decision. Its going to be hard work. Your mental state will need sometime, but the faster you start, IMO the faster you can get back to a focused mind.
Don23,
The sooner you can get your on life, the better your success will be. Please read up on GAL. You are in assume mode. You dont have facts. Your wife is not he woman you married at this point. We subscribe to assume the worst on here so you can prepare yourself if it comes to that. I have 4 boys, I GAL as much as possible. I have lost almost 40 pounds and I'm cutting up. My wife is looking. Become a person only a fool would leave. Make it hard on ypur wife to make a decision. Its going to be hard work. Your mental state will need sometime, but the faster you start, IMO the faster you can get back to a focused mind.
Ive been working on myself physically for the last 5 weeks. I enrolled back in Boxing, something i used to do in college. Ive lost 20 lbs and am looking much more like the days when we got married. My emotional self however is just now starting to get worked on. Some days are better than others. I had a great day yesterday and half of today was pretty good but for no reason at all, the 2nd half of today hasn't been so good and my mind just keeps wandering. I hate it.
Don,
That's great to hear about the weight lost.
The wandering mind will happen from time to time. Detaching helps with that. Do you go to church?
Detaching has helped me a lot in not thing about the outcome, trying to control my W or her decisions and with me becoming happier. No other person controls your happiness. When you become authentically happy, W will notice. You can't make another person happy if you are not happy yourself. Also, no other person wants to be with a person that is sad, moody, needy, this are unattractive traits. Become attractive. Do attractive things.
Oh, pls back in your home.
I had a marriage counseling session today and the counselor recommended that I stay out of the house at least until the end of the month, continue to be tough and stay away, only reply to texts and phone calls and not initiate and just see if anything changes in that time. However, I havent been impressed with my marriage counseling to this point and I feel that the people on this board probably understand me better than her. I just think that if I move back into the house there is no way of this marriage working....she is very cold to me, like she hates me. I moved out twice in the last 3 weeks, to come back again is such a roller coaster of a move. However, I'm not sure that me being out of the house is going to get us together either. I think I do like the idea of just moving back. I know it will be easier on the kids having me home and getting them to/from school. She wont be very happy about it I know that. It cramps her style! I'm pretty sure I have enough going on to keep me out of her hair while Im home and its not like I coulnd't still load up the kids for a weekend or something and get out of the house. By the way I'm off work right now because of this so that really bugs her because she thinks Im just always going to be home. The whole idea behind the time off though was to work on me and my family. Why not take advantage of that extra time and be with my kids 7 days a week and have me get them ready and take them to school instead of a neighbor.
Grew up in the Church but fell away when I got in my 20's My wife, kids and myself never go unless we are back where we came from visiting and we go with my parents which was just a few times. Myself and my kids started attending a Church 3 weeks ago and love it.
Don23,
I'm glad you have start going back to church and are taking the kids. I started going back to after BD. Church has helped me alot. I joined the Church I was attending two weeks ago, and on Wednesday I signed of for a 12 week evangelism class.
Ok, now with the house situation. IMO, if you want to go back to the house go. When you go back, you walk in, and if your wife ask what you are doing, you say, "I'm coming back home". If she says why, you say, "because I want to be home". Say no more. Don't argue, don't talk about your feelings. Say that and then go to where you would sleep. Going back and forth don't show confidence. Go back home with confidence, knowing you won't be leaving again.
Also, you need to talk a weekend to yourself, by yourself or with some friends. Get away. Seems to me that your wife takes all the weekends to herself. You need to take some of those back. Your wife knows she can do what she wants on the weekend because, you weren't go no where. Stop making yourself accessible in that way. Get away, don't tell her where you are going, just that you are taking a weekend for yourself. She's probably going to tell she had plans already, you tell her, especially if she didn't inform you ahead of time. That this weekend is mine, you get up and leave. When you get back she is going to be nasty and mean, and want to pick arguments, don't take the bait. Look at her and say "I understand and walk away".
It's time for you to take care of yourself. Gain your confidence and happiness back. Saving yourself gives your best chance to save your marriage.
Also, read about 180s and detaching as much as possible. If your get a chance read TxHubby Sitch. Also read Sandi2, 37 rules of "Do's and Don'ts".
Ok, now with the house situation. IMO, if you want to go back to the house go. When you go back, you walk in, and if your wife ask what you are doing, you say, "I'm coming back home". If she says why, you say, "because I want to be home". Say no more. Don't argue, don't talk about your feelings. Say that and then go to where you would sleep. Going back and forth don't show confidence. Go back home with confidence, knowing you won't be leaving again.
Sure wish I hadn't moved out twice in the last few weeks...coming back now shows a lack of confidence indeed. Something Ive been trying not to show. I know its going to be a discussion, sure I could ignore her but she's going to want to know why. If she demands an answer how bad would it be if I said the following: "im not the one wanting space so I shouldnt be the one that has to leave their home and children, if you want space that bad then you move out"
Don23,
I don't think that answer is bad at all. After you tell her that she is going to be mad, get away from her and give her space.
Now I have to decide when. I already said i was taking the kids for the weekend so maybe on Sunday when I bring them home. I could do it today of course but it almost seems like a dirty trick since I told her I would take the kids away for the weekend.
Don23,
When to go back home or take your weekend?
I could have taken my weekend this weekend. She didnt tell me to take the kids or anything, she just asked if I would want them. She does know what my answer will be though.
Sure wish I hadn't moved out twice in the last few weeks...coming back now shows a lack of confidence indeed.
Don,
I disagree. I think moving back in the marital home and standing for what you believe in (marriage, family, children) actually shows confidence.
How about W: After a lot of thinking, I am going to move back in the martial home to keep things as normal as possible for our children. I would love for you to stay and work on our marriage together. I am respecting your decision for time and space for you to figure things out and if you feel you need to move out for this to happen I completely understand.
I disagree. I think moving back in the marital home and standing for what you believe in (marriage, family, children) actually shows confidence.
How about W: After a lot of thinking, I am going to move back in the martial home to keep things as normal as possible for our children. I would love for you to stay and work on our marriage together. I am respecting your decision for time and space for you to figure things out and if you feel you need to move out for this to happen I completely understand.
I like the sounds of that. Now to decide when. Should I just do this right away, like today? Or maybe wait till after the weekend since we both made plans for this weekend. Well I'm assuming she has weekend plans.
Don,
I really don't think a few days is going to matter. It might be convenient for you to do it when she isn't home.
it'll be quick. All i have is a suitcase. I was just staying with some friends until an apartment opened up so pretty much everything of mine is still at home. Ive only been away 4 nights.
Don,
A word of caution. She will be angry and probably call you every name in the book. Try to maintain eye contact and do not back down. Validate when possible. "I understand you are angry but I will not abandon my children and have them think I walked out on them"
Be a rock Don. You got this.
I recommend moving back immediately. There is a chance she might try changing the locks on you.
Don....not an expert but from everything I have read when your S is in an affair you have to be tough and lay down the law, not just stick your head in the sand and go on your merry way. Most of the sitch's I have read, when someone is having an A, the LBS had to get very tough.
Move back home, go sleep in your bed (naked!), reclaim your throne. She cheats, she moves out and gets the apartment. When I find a thread that I enjoyed reading I book marked it. I saved this post as maybe it will be useful to you.
I made this post a while back, but I think it covers a lot of this so I will post it here :
------------------------
The problem is LH when someone starts an affair there are three roads they can take :
A. Pursue both the affair and maintain the marriage at subsistence level
B. End the marriage and pursue the affair 100%
C. End the affair and pursue the marriage 100%
Option B and C are painful... in both cases they have to give up something and make a commitment to something fully
Option A allows them to hold onto both relationsihps. Option A is the least painful, the most hurtful, the most destructive, and unfortunately the most desirable
Why would any addict want to give up anything when they can juggle both?
In most cases they don't want to and wont. They may show anger, they may move out, but they will continue to send text messages, call, or show up to "get some things I left behind" ... It's all a ruse to maintain a subsistence marriage and "check in" to keep the marriage barely breathing...
Right now he's choosing A because to an addict it makes sense...
If you sit with an alcoholic and offer them
A. Purusue drinking each night, and keep your family support
B. Break with your friends and family and pursue alchohol 100%
C. Break alcohol use and enjoy your supporting family 100%
Why would any alcohoic in their right mind choose anything other than A?
They won't.
They will chose the path of least resistance each time.. and the path of least resistance to them is the one that causes them the least amount of stress - having to make a choice for one and end the other is stressful... very stressful
So they maintain both... THey will mantain the marriage and try to keep up contact with the affair partner at a subsistence level, or they will move in iwth the affair partner and keep sending the odd text message to the LBS to maintain the marriage, etc. They don't want to make a choice.. choices are undesirable compared to juggling both options... Having to make a commitment to B or C only is too final, too painful, too grown up.
The advice I usually reccomend on this forum is to FORCE the addict to choose B or C by taking yourself OUT of the affair. You confront him one time and set clear boundaries :
a. End all contact
b. Full transparency of cell phone use and PC use
c. Transfer somewhere else or change jobs if OP is in workplace
d. Family therapy for both of you at least once a week
e. Do all necessary readings on building and repairing marriages
f. A no contact letter written and signed by both of you and sent to OW
etc
You may add to it, but you hit him with those terms and he has FIVE MINUTES to decide.
If he wont' you choose for him by packing his things and showing him the door.
Once he's out the door
a. You don't call him
b. You don't text him
c. You don't email him
d. You dont' visit him
e. You don't write him a letter
f. You don't leave notes on his car
g. You don't post anythign on your facebook about him
You force him to choose B or C by taking A away as an option.
YOu can't force him to choose C my dear, but you CAN force make A not an option anymore by exiting yourself from his lifestyle until he chooses a healthier one for the two of you
That in a nutshell is my advice.
I DO reccomend you tell friends and family your position and ask them to press himt o return home and agree to return to FT, etc... But I strongly reccomend that you exit yourself from his life if he refuses the confrontation.. You don't give him a week to choose, you give him five minutes and you watch him the whole time.. he does NOT call her to chat or make up his mind.. he sits there and chooses no calls no talking to OW
It's a confrontation NOT a negotiation... You give him one choice, and he either takes it or he leaves
If he refuses to choose you tell him his choice is leaving... And you start packing his things FOR HIM
Don't ask him to do it and walk away.... YOU do it so he KNOWS you mean business ...
THe HARDER and FIRMER you ARE on this the more SERIOUS he will take you..
If you waffle and cry and backpeddal even an INCH he will exploit that a mile...
You hit him hard and firm and fast and send him to teh door if he won't commit there and then
both our weekends are planned so my game plan right now is to move back in on Sunday when I return with the kids.
Another thing that concerns me is all the confusion I keep leaving her with by going back and forth on my plans. I mean I want to implement this and stick with it but man have I wavered a lot lately and each time it just seems to wear us down more. I mean after I asked for a Divorce on Friday and moved out I then on Tuesday asked to forget the Divorce and give it more time because the family is worth at least a chance! I then asked for just seperation instead of a divorce to think things over more. She agreed. Now Im going to move back in. Can that still be a seperation? I've made a lot of profound statements in a short amount of time.
Another thing that concerns me is all the confusion I keep leaving her with by going back and forth on my plans. I mean I want to implement this and stick with it but man have I wavered a lot lately and each time it just seems to wear us down more. I mean after I asked for a Divorce on Friday and moved out I then on Tuesday asked to forget the Divorce and give it more time because the family is worth at least a chance! I then asked for just seperation instead of a divorce to think things over more. She agreed. Now Im going to move back in. Can that still be a seperation? I've made a lot of profound statements in a short amount of time.
It's expected to make erratic decisions when you're under this emotional stress. I'm sure most of us on this forum did things and said things we regret.
Another thing that concerns me is all the confusion I keep leaving her with by going back and forth on my plans. I mean I want to implement this and stick with it but man have I wavered a lot lately and each time it just seems to wear us down more. I mean after I asked for a Divorce on Friday and moved out I then on Tuesday asked to forget the Divorce and give it more time because the family is worth at least a chance! I then asked for just seperation instead of a divorce to think things over more. She agreed. Now Im going to move back in. Can that still be a seperation? I've made a lot of profound statements in a short amount of time.
You are quite right, you've sent her a lot of mixed signals and I'm sure she's sick and tired of it. So talk to her about it. Tell her "W, I'm sorry I've sent you so many mixed signals lately but I had no idea you were so unhappy and never thought you would want to break up our marriage. It came as quite a jolt and I think may have even put me into a state of shock. I apologize for that, but I'm starting to think more clearly now. I can see it was a mistake for me to leave the house, this is our home and if you want out of the marriage you are going to have to be the one to leave. I would prefer that you stay and work on the M, but if you decide that leaving is what you want then I will support your decision. But I am not leaving."
It doesn't have to be those exact words but I think you get the idea. Make DB'ing your game plan moving forward and stick to it and be consistent. Don't worry too much about what your W thinks right now, like LH said she could very well get angry that you've moved back in. But legally you are within your rights, and morally as well. And she is going to get angry and frustrated with you no matter what. When you DB, the WAS HATES it. They want you to just go away. They don't want you there, they don't want you to change, they don't want you to get a life. So just be ready because she will probably not take kindly to anything you do for quite a while. It's a marathon, settle in for it!
well my plan was to hang with my kids all weekend and move back into the house on Sunday when I return them to Mom. I need some advise however as i am contemplating just going back today.
We have a security system on our home and I get alerts if doors open at odd hours. I should probably turn the alerts off but so far I havent. My wife went out last night which was no surprise or anything. I got the alert at 12:15am that the front door just opened. I thought, wow, she didnt stay out nearly as late as I figured she would. Anyway, it woke me up. Curiosity got the best of me as it often does....I know, it shouldnt and I'm very close now to being in a state of mind where it wont. However, it did last night and I was now awake so I logged into our phones website and looked at call logs. There have been 2 guys in the picture for a while now. I dont the extent either of the relations has gone. The Personal Trainer is the one Im sure my wife wants to be with and has for months now. He however is married which makes that task much more difficult. The 2nd guy is someone in her workout classes, he is a single father and I feel is the one filling the role until my wife can get her personal trainer away from his wife. I'm fairly certain she has been intimate with both. Back to the phone logs... She gets home at 1215 and I see there is a 2min phone call from the 2nd guy at 1219. So I assume she was with him when she went out and he was probably saying goodnight and checking if she made it home safe. I then click on the text's and there are probably 30 texts from the PT from 11:45 to 1a.m. This is someone that she hasn't really been able to communicate much with since he's married but maybe his wife fell asleep or is away. Anyway, it [censored] to see these things but it didn't make me sad or anything, I feel Im passed that now. However, talk on this thread had people mentioning that what happens if she moves one of these guys in to your home. I thought no chance at all she would and I still think that but I could see the possibilities now. She could have a gathering at the house with her new found friends and i could see one of them sticking around longer than the rest. It would be awkward with all the family pictures and wedding books and stuff hung up all over the house but it wouldnt stop either dude I know that.
now I'm wondering if I shouldn't just load the kids up and move back today instead of waiting until tomorrow like I had planned. I'm ready to just be in the way. I've been walker over for the past 10 years and Im actually excited for this conversation where Im going to tell her to move out. And I wont mind if she says she will, or argues or anything. Im moving back and thats that, just need to know when.
Do what you need to do Don....just be calm and confident. Dont get into any arguments our yelling in front of your children. You would like her to stay and work on the MR however she needs to make a choice however you are not leaving your house. Read the advice above from AS and others. Today or tomorrow not sure that it matters as long as you get back in the house.
Calm and confident! You can do it!
Don,
What J9 said. You make the decison when to go back. You are a man, men make confident decisions. Make your statement, while you are making it, look her in the eyes. Let her say what she has to say and walk away. Don't argue, dont get into a long drawn out convo.
I thought it was strange that she has been so nice these last few days. Pleasant texts and lots of smiles during kid exchanges and such. She even brought the kids to be at boxing class yesterday which isn't like her. It makes sense now, its because she is getting her way. im sure it will be just the opposite when I show up at the house with my "im moving back" statement.
Don,
Oh you better beleive her mood is about to change. You are about to put your foot down. She's doesnt want that from you at this moment( in reality women want men, that respect themselves and don't allow others to disrespect him). But guess what you have a hand up, because you have an idea on what to expect and have prepared yourself on how to deal with her.
well it's going to be today. I decided if she has plans at the house tonight, to bad. Me and the kids will be there
Don,
Great news! Now get your game face on. Walk in there with confidence and speak and carry yourself with confidence. Update us on the Sitch later.
I'm back in my house! It didnt go nearly as bad as I thought. In 14 years I dont think ive ever talked to my wife that way. Maybe shocked her. Anyway, I said everything, she didnt say a whole lot. A few minutes later she asked to speak to me in another room. Explained that she never knows what she's going to get from me from one day to the next. I appologized for that and that I cant take those days back but those days are behind me and Im living in this house with my kids period and if she still needs all this space that she thinks she needs then its time for her to move out. She asked me whats the difference then if we get a divorce. I just said that if it comes to that then obviously i wont have a choice and I'll spend whatever time with my kids that the courts allow. Until that time comes I'm living in this house. She decided to go shopping and I'm unpacking suitcases. I figured she was just going to run off to another man but she actually invited our daughter to go shopping with her. However, my daughter said she's rather stay with Daddy
the kids love me
Good for you...enjoy a good night sleep in your MBR! Don't ever leave again and get advice from the board on your next move. Remember she is having an A and you know it. If anyone sleeps on the couch, spare bedroom or moves out it is her.
Oh what a night!
so, I have the talk with my wife and Im back in my house whether she likes it or not. She drives away to go shopping and during her travels she texts the OM. These texts were along the lines of "lets meet up" because I had just put my foot down. The reason I know this is out of no where this afternoon I get facebook message from the wife of the OM who I have never met or spoke with. It says "I need to talk with you". I reply and we meet up. She tells me that her and her husband share 1 car and this afternoon out of nowhere he says I need to go to the gym. This ended up being right after I had my talk with my wife. So he takes the car and goes to the gym. It was his 2nd trip to the gym that day so she was skeptical and had her friend pick her up and follow. They followed to the gym where my wife was there waiting and she saw her husband get in my wifes car and drive off. They followed them to a park where they talked and only talked. The wife of the OM got out and confronted them. They both denied any affair...still!!! and that they were just talking. This is when the wife of the other man contacted me and we met up and exchanged info. I'm further along in the process than she is so it was sad to see her crying. I dont have any tears left. It was a nice visit for an hour and a half. She is very nice and the whole situation is just so unfortunate. While we are talking her husband is texting her that he loves her...it was strange. So I leave and pick up my kids from my friends house and am headed back to my house that I now live in. Half way home I get a text from my wife that she will not be there tonight. No surprise really. She said "I know your disgusted with me but please dont say anything negative about me to the kids" and we need to get together and discuss living arrangements because Im not moving out either.
So that brings me to this post. I'm not sure what there is to discuss! I dont care if she's in the house or not but I made it perfectly clear that Im not living anywhere but at this house and if Im in the way or not giving her the space she needs than she needs to move out. What discussion is needed? I dont think it was about sleeping arrangements. Maybe she thought my talk meant she needs to move out but I dont think so...I was very clear. Anyway, i guess I'll find out tomorrow but there is no way I'm sleeping anywhere other than in this house unless Im on vacation.
So back in the house. Tonight will be the first night she and I are both in the house. She doesn't want me to sleep in the bed and I told her to bad, she can sleep on the couch or with one of the kids if she doesn't like it. We'll see how tonight goes. She has no interest in stopping the affair and now that the OM's wife knows they are on the way to divorce. I will probably set up a meeting with an attorney tomorrow and start the filing process. I would have preferred she gave the marriage a chance but that just doesn't seem possible and other than having the kids half of the time, i am probably better off without her.
Don,
Good job in taking control back. I think it's good to consult with a lawyer but take some time on deciding on if you want to file.
it's so weird now that when i walk into the bathroom she covers up. so strange, so quick everything happened. Like all of a sudden I'm a stranger.
My W came over into between soccer games and shut the door when she went to the bathroom, normally she leaves it wide open. I agree, crazy isn't it. They are in a whole other world.
Don,
My wife started doing the same thing. You are not alone in this one.
Now that I'm back in the house and my wife isn't moving out. I dont know whether to be nice to her, short with her, ignore her? It's such a strange dynamic. We watched TV together for a while last night...well we were in the same room anyway but there was conversation. She went to bed early, I followed an hour or so later and slept in the same bed but its a king so there's an ocean between us. I'm just not sure how to act around her. Ive mostly just been keeping to myself, playing with the kids. It feels weird to ignore her but its probably best I assume.
Don,
Don't ignore her. Try your hardest to be yourself. I'm struggling with that now. You are going to walk on eggshells around her for a while. The fastest you can just become yourself the better. Cadet put Sandi 37 rules and read detachment with love.
When it comes to detaching it needs to be with love, not cold, spiteful, revengeful, or mean. One way to go about this is to treat WW like a neighbor.
So, you still speak, hi and bye. Hope you have a good day. And go about your way. If she wants to talk listen and validate. You don't want a hostile house. So being kind will help with that.
Don...I think the general theme is treat her like a friendly neighbor. Don't be short or ignore her rather just pull back some. I remember interacting with my W when she first moved out. It was hard because I didn't know how to act and It is probably the same with your W as well. I personally just try to take my W's lead based on how I read her mood. If she is more talkative and happy then we engage more if she is not then we don't. I find it hard to make small talk with her especially when your not getting the dialogue back in return. To be honest it is just awkward in general.
I wish I could help you out more but so far it sounds like you are on the right path. Start to think about what you can do for yourself, GALing etc. to get you out of the house more so you start to become mysterious to our W to make her wonder where you are at or what you are doing. You could also consider watching TV in another room if it is to weird because you don't want to give her the impression you are following her around the house or walking around on pins and needles. That is where your confidence comes into play.
Don,
The mantra around here is to treat her like a neighbor or co-worker. Your'e not rude or cold but you don't go out of your way to engage her. You say good morning and then go on with your day. Her moods don't effect you in the least. If she engages in conversation you listen and validate. Always try to be the first one to end the conversation.
I believe the general census is to treat her like a neighbor. So glad that you are back in your home and in the bed as well. If she gets pissed off enough, then let her sleep elsewhere. Bet she us still in the bed at the moment. Just keep doing what your doing. I suggest watching tv elsewhere. She will accuse you of following her around. As if your not interested in watching the same show....smh
So last night I stayed away for a bit longer. After my boxing class I hung out with a few of the other guys that train there and just shot the breeze, it was nice. My reasoning was more to stay away from the house though. I got home just about the kids bed time so I could kiss them goodnight. She seemed angry all night. She never talks about anything other than small talk so I'm not sure if she was mad that I didnt come right home and never said where I was or if she was mad about something else. I'll never know. Just thought I would share.
p.s. is there ever a good time to show my wife the 5 min video about walk away wives? It was us to a T and I feel that she may find it interesting if she knew she wasn't the only one that this happened to. I dont think i could show her, she isnt receptive to anything from me but one of her friends possibly could.
[quote=Don23] It was us to a T and I feel that she may find it interesting if she knew she wasn't the only one that this happened to. I dont think i could show her, she isnt receptive to anything from me but one of her friends possibly could.
Nope. Won't do you any good. Don, I want you to understand one thing, no video, article, book is going to snap her out of what she is going through.
I just had my three year anniversary of my separation and I am not divorced yet.
Fast your seat belt because you are in for a long, long roller coaster ride of the worst magnitude.
You cannot make anything better while she is in an A. Your goal is to not make anything worse.
Right now for you it is about gaining respect and setting boundaries.
A big thing I've learned in this journey is when your w is mad, don't assume it's about you! That is a very self centered assumption. She could have broken a nail. She might have dropped $100 on the subway. Maybe she's mad about the football game. If she wants you to know, she'll tell you. Otherwise, mind your own business.
And agree...stop thinking about showing her that video!
Thanks LH, always appreciate your responses
p.s. is there ever a good time to show my wife the 5 min video about walk away wives?
Don23,
Well before my wife and I separated, I tried to show my wife a video about walk away wives (it was one of Michelle's videos on YouTube). I don't think my wife made it through the first tens seconds of the video before she told me to get lost. I was such a dumb@ss. At least you asked about it before trying to show your wife the video. You saved yourself a lot of trouble and embarrassment.
yea, there is no way I would show it to her. I was curious about others experiences so thank you for that. I could see one of our mutual friends showing it to her but I'll be sure to tell them to not bother with it. Pretty much everyone in our mutual friends and family are wanting us back together. The only friend that doesn't is the one that is also going through a divorce, they are inseparable right now. Of course her new friends could care less about us too, they like the single lady. Thanks again for the advise, I figure it doesnt hurt to ask.
Ive really had a good week up until this morning. I moved back in on Saturday, have been detached since then. Only responding to texts and questions and not asking any of my own. Last night I went to bed early as I was just tired of hearing my wifes phone going off with text messages. I didn't show it though, I just took some tylenol PM, said goodnight and hit the sack figuring a new day was coming. This morning I seemed to have woke up angry. I'm not sure if Im angry with her again for what is happening or because she isn't spending any time with the kids. I get not spending time with me, she hates me but the kids getting left out of her life has been upsetting. Maybe I'm anticipating another weekend and that has me down. Anyway, I figured i would snap out of it but I really haven't. I re-read the do's and dont's again and that always helps and I'll probably do that one more time right before she gets home. It helps me put a smile on my face even if its just for show. I am very early in all of those compared to everyone else and I dont see how people can do it so long. I'm tempted to ask my wife if she would give me full custody
Highly doubt she would say yes and it would prob back track any progress that was made but if she did say yes I would have no problem just filing and not looking back. I'll keep my mouth shut but I just wanted this forum to know my thoughts...its my way of venting. Therapy I guess
I re-read the do's and dont's again and that always helps and I'll probably do that one more time right before she gets home.
Do you have to be home tonight? Can you go somewhere to get out of the house for a few hours?
Do you have to be home tonight? Can you go somewhere to get out of the house for a few hours?
I only need to be here for the kid exchange. She gets home from work about 5, I go to my boxing class (530-730) and she takes the kids to the Gym since it has a daycare (6-8). I planned on staying away from the house until about 9 or so and then coming home and tucking the kids in. The kids get pretty upset if they fall asleep before I get home and if Im not there she seems to put them to bed early.
Did I say to much??
So, stayed out of the house a little extra last night and got home after my wife. Just in time to help the kids with some homework and put them to bed. After they went to bed my wife says "we need to talk". Im excited because she never wants to talk and I could care less if its good or bad, I just wanted to talk. Well it didn't end up being anything I have control over but it did open up the door for me to say a few things. Anyway, I was accused for talking to the wife of the OM throughout this week which is not true. I talked to her last weekend for the first and last time and my wife already knows about that convo. Apparently the wife of the OM is putting a lot of pressure on him about admitting to the affair and is telling him that I am calling her with all sorts of info. I let my wife read my phone conversation with this lady from last weekend and it is pretty clear that I wanted no further contact with her and I assured her that i havent. The strange part is here I am defending myself and I'm not the one having an affair lol anyway, I told her this was upsetting because I have been just focusing on myself and the kids and giving her all the space allowable while still living under the same roof! I dont pry into your business, I dont ask questions, I'm not upset if you come home late, nothing...just minding my own business and to have something like this come up just sets me back to square one. She told me that she could tell that i was giving her space and it was definitely noticeable. We talked for probably an hour. I assured her this morning that if anything comes up today or in the future about he said/she said stuff just know that none of it is coming from me. I'm done with her business and want nothing to do with any of those people and they know this. I probably should have not said anything this morning but sometimes I just cant help myself. My fear now is that she knows I am making a point of giving her space and that I am intentionally detaching. I'm thinking it just doesnt have the same impact now that she knows its a focus of mine and not something that is just happening naturally. We get to talking and I just say to much
I'll keep plugging away with what Im doing, I just feel I may have damaged the process a bit.
Did I say to much??
I told her this was upsetting because I have been just focusing on myself and the kids and giving her all the space allowable while still living under the same roof! I dont pry into your business, I dont ask questions, I'm not upset if you come home late, nothing...just minding my own business and to have something like this come up just sets me back to square one. She told me that she could tell that i was giving her space and it was definitely noticeable.
My fear now is that she knows I am making a point of giving her space and that I am intentionally detaching. I'm thinking it just doesnt have the same impact now that she knows its a focus of mine and not something that is just happening naturally.
You knew the answer before you posted. It's actions not words that change this situation around. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off and get out and GAL.
well I told my wife I'll be filing for divorce this week. I have a consultation today and 2 tomorrow to see which lawyer I'm going to choose. My daughter asked me this weekend why Mom and I don't kiss anymore. It's probably the first time that she has expressed that she's noticed. My son has expressed it a few times. I'm still sad about the whole thing and I would much rather my wife would have came around and attempted to work on the marriage but she isn't about to give up her current lifestyle. I would have been much more patient but having my children notice our lack of marriage is upsetting. I know everyone says that filing doesn't mean that its over but I feel that in our case it pretty much is. Once the process starts it will probably get nasty between us, not with the kids but over money and it will make it much harder to recover from then if an attempt was made prior to filing. We still don't fight or anything like that and the home has been very pleasant (cake and eat it too thing)....just no intimacy and it's an almost certain the the affair is still on-going. My journey has been much quicker than everyone else and I applaud the perseverance many of you have.
My journey has been much quicker than everyone else and I applaud the perseverance many of you have.
Don,
There's no shame in ending it quickly if that's what you need to do. And, stay away from the Surviving the Big D forum; it's a small flock of weirdos and misfits. (I suspect most of them don't bathe.)
My journey has been much quicker than everyone else and I applaud the perseverance many of you have.
Don, I am sorry it has come to you having to file. I also commend you for not tolerating her affair and doing what you feel you need to do. Just remember that divorce doesn't mean your life is over and if you put in the work you will thrive and your kids will be just fine.
Take care my friend and good luck to you!
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Don,
There's no shame in ending it quickly if that's what you need to do. And, stay away from the Surviving the Big D forum; it's a small flock of weirdos and misfits. (I suspect most of them don't bathe.)
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lol, sounds like a plan. I wont even look
Don, I am sorry it has come to you having to file. I also commend you for not tolerating her affair and doing what you feel you need to do. Just remember that divorce doesn't mean your life is over and if you put in the work you will thrive and your kids will be just fine.
Take care my friend and good luck to you!
I'm pretty sure I'll be just fine. I have a very good support system in place. I'm not wanting another wife or anything like that my only concern through the whole thing was just having my kids half of the time now instead of all of the time. It's just something I'll need to get used to. Thanks again for all the help along the way.