Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: lcause Rebuilding my life - 09/05/17 05:42 PM
Previous topic

Going through divorce

I made a new thread to simply let people comment or ask something if they are interested. I'll occasionally pop up here giving updates and helping where I can smile
Posted By: Benito Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/05/17 07:36 PM
Morning

Might be better under the Surviving Divorce section rather than
'for newbies' as you are not actively seeking advice etc.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/05/17 07:47 PM
True. Can be moved. Felt that this board gets a lot more attention and I feel that sharing what happens later on is something a lot of people (especially new ones) are interested in. Surviving is a rather scary word too, lol. It's not like I got seriously ill laugh It's a new chapter.

Side note, I finally realized what "gift of time" meant. Literally, she gave me more time to pursue things I want. In the developed world, time is the most precious thing we all have.
Posted By: Benito Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/05/17 08:06 PM
The time "she gave you" was always there.. nothing has changed.

You just have the opportunity now to use it better than what you did previously.

I take it you have managed to sort your own place and job etc now?
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/05/17 08:20 PM
Sure but I kept the saying as something that your S giving you time to make it work. I know understand that we can all decide what it means.

Still no job. But I've added projects to my portfolio. I stopped caring what others think. I have understood nothing happens immediately and that we are LEARNERS. Process happens in small steps. I can't immediately find my dream job, I need to build my path there. No matter how self-evident these sound, they haven't been for me. I've always sort of thought I want to get into Olympics without competing in lower series first. That has been changing, bit by bit, day by day.

Also, I'm more and more interested in going back to university to get a degree is business. I constantly get more and more interested in learning.

So, currently I think this divorce was literally the best thing ever happened to me. Of course I can go back speculating that I could have understood this in my M but that simply didn't happen. Sometimes we need to hit the rock bottom before we can see the path back up.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/07/17 07:07 AM
Not sure if this is interesting to anyone or if the people mentioned will read it, I just felt like posting. smile Again, this can be moved to surviving the divorce if that's a better place for this thread.

25, if you are still reading this, I think your support has been the most valuable for me. If you are going to continue your journey helping strangers and people overall in your life, I'd like to give you some information from a person as messed up as I am.

I understand your points in social GALing and I understand why I am not that interested in being social. This all comes down to neurotransmitters. I don't feel rewarded from social contact. But I've noticed that you are a believer in neuroplasticity so I think the key here is to gradually ramp up and I've already noticed difference. Setting goals and monitoring the results is very important. So, my advice for people like myself is to find ways to slowly build up social interaction. Start by saying one more word to cashier, start out experimenting tiny small talk or jokes to strangers. Start speaking more and more, day by day. Find possibilities but don't focus on what you say and how they will take it (don't be rude of course) because even if they make weird faces, you probably will never meet them again. Don't just force yourself to go in stage to perform an improv or don't push yourself directly to go interact with people if you feel extremely uncomfortable. This WILL weaken your chances of getting better. By gradually building this up, you will make your brain feel rewarded and you will overcome the fear much easier when you take small steps over your comfort zone than immediately pushing yourself to the limits.

I think this same approach should be taken for DBing too. In fact, everything in life. Small changes lead to big improvement over time. Big direct changes lead to overexpectations and premature quitting.

You have probably meant it this way but somehow I just interpreted it correctly and subconsciously the advice made me feel worse (as fear kicked harder in) and thus I rejected it.

AS, I really think you should be a motivational speaker (if you want to be one). You are very good at making people feel better about themselves. You pulled me up so many times and I know you don't trust me I dropped the rope this quickly, but I can now see how much better my life will be. I don't think we were a good match and we married too young. Of course I'm always going to be fond of the M like you said. I don't probably see a recon attempt because I don't DB anymore and it would require a huge change in both of us but I will always remember your comments if that ever happens wink I hope you will find the time to support new comers at this board and that you'll always keep bringing hope to people in their darkest times.

Btrow, you were quickly pulling me back up when I felt bad. I really appreciate it. I hope you can get your family together.

Thanks for the others too - Felt like I owed some explanation to 25 so it was good to thank everyone at the same time smile

On a side-note, after I said to my XW that I don't care anymore what she does, I've felt better, detached and I think my XW has noticed this too. I noticed I haven't been thinking her at all. I haven't checked the WhatsApp status in ages because I don't care what she does. She has been smiling at interactions what she didn't really do before. It hasn't felt as awkward anymore. This is mind reading, but at least on some level I'd like to think we are getting past the awkwardness and can continue with our lives. Somehow she is also trying to be more funny and shares more what the kids are doing, using emojis again what she hasn't done in ages. I find myself answering with one word answers because I'm starting to feel some sort of pursue at times even though it isn't... Ironically, I'm feeling like a WAS, I guess.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/09/17 01:14 AM
FINALLY I found out who the OM is. Was curious when I went to get my S and noticed a car that has never been parked over there. XW said she'll bring kids to the parking lot that no worries I don't have to get up from the car. Checked the license plate (I just wanted to know what kind of a man my kids are with) and lo and behold it's the guy she met when she was studying for the entrance examination for her university in a "boarding school" of sorts a year ago. In April she spent two nights away at some kind of a celebration party the school held. Then she spent a night out and that's what she shaved for (clear indicator of PA). The guy apparently broke up with his long-term gf earlier this year if not back then.

Thank GOD I got rid of this woman. We discussed about the guy and his long-term gf a year ago and my XW said this guy stated he would never want to have kids... Odd. Oh well, now I know. At least he's a male nurse so he probably is decent with kids. I don't give a crap anymore otherwise, just hoping that my XW is happy with her decisions so my kids are happy too. But even if I would have had a tiny thought about ever getting back even if she for some reason wanted to, it died just now smile
Posted By: Btrow Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/09/17 03:00 AM
LC,

When reading your most recent posts it's almost like reading posts from a whole new person than the one that was LC a couple of months ago. So it seems that you have come a long way. Well done.

Clearly it must have hurt just a tiny bit to realise that this AP might have "been around" longer than expected?

I too are baffled that he doesn't want to have kids but seem ok to take over a woman with two little ones? So either she was lying back then or maybe he's just a POS taking advantage... Either way, you are doing great so keep doing what you are doing. It's clearly working for you!
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/09/17 03:11 AM
Btrow, it hurt my ego of course. But then I remembered how low a person has to be to do this and I started laughing. He isn't an alpha male, not even close. I don't think she was lying then because she wouldn't have had a reason to (she was def in love with me).

Thanks. It really was a flip of a switch. And reframing let me see how many positives this has. I'm not a match with this woman and I now believe I've been depressed due to our R. So it is better for both of us.
Posted By: Maika Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/09/17 05:09 AM
L - been through your sitch and it's awesome you've come to a place of peace for yourself.

I am curious to know if your W made moves for a serious recon, would you consider it?

I see from your posts that you have straddled a great balance between emotionally and intellectually processing your sitch. I see more of the latter in your recent posts and I am guessing that is because you've come to some emotional equilibrium.

I also have a very strong tendency to intellectualize everything - this allows me to safeguard my emotions so that I don't have to feel hurt and pain. It's a safety mechanism that I have honed due to life circumstances. I am slowly trying to bring a balance to this and not immediately intellectualizing everything.

I wonder if you have a similar tendency and that maybe there is still some hurt that you are intellectually willing it away.

Just curious and not trying to bring you down with all the amazing personal work you have done.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/09/17 07:24 AM
Originally Posted By: Maika
I am curious to know if your W made moves for a serious recon, would you consider it?

No. I won't consider it. Today was the absolute final straw that even if things would go that way in the distant future, I wouldn't jump back.

I talked to my XW today. We had a mature conversation about the M. She said that she really believed things could change in the future and see could see us having a possibility of finding each other again, but some of my extremely clingy mishaps pushed her too far of believing into that again. So, she actually confirmed DBing is the best chance for a recon.

So, neither of us ever wants to recon again. She told me the same. Ironically I wanted to, but when I wanted to, I acted completely wrong. She said she is happy now. She told me she never thought anyone would want her again.

Originally Posted By: Maika

I see from your posts that you have straddled a great balance between emotionally and intellectually processing your sitch. I see more of the latter in your recent posts and I am guessing that is because you've come to some emotional equilibrium.

Honestly, I started watching reframing videos and I realized EVERYTHING in life has a silver lining. A divorce is either the end of your world or a stepping stone to something else, different. You create your future so it can be even better. You don't have to settle for less! Where a door closes, new ones open. It is rarely the case that LBS has been super happy in the marriage. There are negatives of course, I am not denying that. But I saw and understand it now that we want different things from life and we have always wanted. I think both of us wanted the other one to change. Of course a relationship is all compromises but everyone should have something they don't ever want to compromise on! That's why I believe divorces are ok in some cases because people do marry young and too quickly without realizing what they want from life.

Originally Posted By: Maika

I also have a very strong tendency to intellectualize everything - this allows me to safeguard my emotions so that I don't have to feel hurt and pain. It's a safety mechanism that I have honed due to life circumstances. I am slowly trying to bring a balance to this and not immediately intellectualizing everything.

I wonder if you have a similar tendency and that maybe there is still some hurt that you are intellectually willing it away.

Just curious and not trying to bring you down with all the amazing personal work you have done.

Maika, of course I am hurt. I spent 1/3rd of my life with this woman. I just don't let it define me or bog me down. I got fed up with feeling bad about it and started shifting my thoughts to brighter things. The truth is, the hurt will always be there. You will always remember the time you had. But the best thing? The hurt you now experience will make you much stronger for the future, sparks a huge personal growth and acts as a reminder of what you don't want to do next time.
Posted By: Maika Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/09/17 07:37 AM
Thanks for the responses L. Reading everyone's experiences has been a huge blessing and I am not sure where I am at. I feel like I am half a foot with where you are - moving on and finding my own life and happiness. It's not like I am giving up hope or anything for the MR, but I need to spend some time thinking about whether my W and I are actually good for each other. I haven't seen any serious effort on her part to address her own issues yet, and so I am kinda not so hot about her right now.

How's your D doing with all of this?

I am tired of my W and in-laws telling me that the kids are managing okay - they clearly are not and I feel like am I the only one seeing what's actually happening? It's surreal in a tragic sort of way.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/09/17 07:57 AM
Originally Posted By: Maika
Thanks for the responses L. Reading everyone's experiences has been a huge blessing and I am not sure where I am at. I feel like I am half a foot with where you are - moving on and finding my own life and happiness. It's not like I am giving up hope or anything for the MR, but I need to spend some time thinking about whether my W and I are actually good for each other. I haven't seen any serious effort on her part to address her own issues yet, and so I am kinda not so hot about her right now.

It really came to me as a flip of a switch. After I read the post about losing control, I could FEEL it inside me how I have been lately only attached to this woman due to the future. She studies in a field that pays really well so we could have had a nice future. I realized that I have the potential to make money too and who knows, maybe I find a woman from the same field who is already at work? I also understand that money doesn't make happiness and it's not going to be the factor I look in my next partner... except that I still value education very highly and I look for it. I look now much more in the present moment instead of being future-oriented, and I trust that everyone of us has the potential to be anything we want to, we just want to see it and pursue it.

Don't jump into conclusions from my particular sitch. It's probably quite different than yours. I wasn't happy in the last year or so. I'd suggest you to continue DBing and detaching. You'll find your peace eventually smile Let the time do it for you. Don't make any decisions either way unless you are completely sure.

Originally Posted By: Maika

How's your D doing with all of this?

I am tired of my W and in-laws telling me that the kids are managing okay - they clearly are not and I feel like am I the only one seeing what's actually happening? It's surreal in a tragic sort of way.

I feel the same way as you do. I haven't spoken with my in-laws but my XW still doesn't seem to wake up to the reality when it comes to kids. She said that kids will be happy and it doesn't affect them at all. Maybe it is still some sort of a limerance-affected fog. D is definitely not ok, after she's had fun with me and asks me to come to XWs place and I deny, her eyes tear up. That feels like someone would push a hook down my throat and rip my heart up.

So, your W will say this to make herself feel better and your in-laws are just supporting your W. Don't read into it, you are 99.9% correct. It has been studied a lot and children suffer the most from divorces.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/09/17 08:07 AM
Also, my XW stated that it's fortunate people can change, indicating that this guy now suddenly wants kids... He has been going through his own breakup from a 11-year R and they apparently started talking together a week after BD. That's also when my XW said a friend of hers is going through bad times so if I wonder why she's always on the phone, she's always discussing with the friend when she's awake.

I still have a feeling that she will get hurt down the line. Doesn't sound like a particularly solid ground for a R. But gladly that's not my issue then. I just hope my children are going to be safe and living in a loving environment. I will make sure my next woman will love my children like there's no tomorrow.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/10/17 03:32 AM
To be honest, looking back my short DBing, the biggest regret I have is to burn my bridges by being a clingy person and doing stuff too quickly this early (e.g. saying that I don't appreciate her anymore so we can't ever be a couple again or that our R depressed me - which is true but not because of her but because I just didn't know how to be a husband).

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want us back together - but that's NOW. If she changes in the future to be something I always wanted, I can't be sure! This is what people really say on this board. NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT THE FUTURE AND WE ALL SHOULD STOP FOCUSING PRIMARILY ON IT! Of course I don't believe in it because she's not doing the work for it and actually is in an R now... but still. I could have left it on it's own weight and not let my emotions take control of myself. I wasn't strong enough.

So, for the LBS's, there's again one case where DBing would actually have had a chance for potential recon in the future. Don't be clingy, don't act on emotion, 99% of the time what you want to say or do is the wrong thing. Just listen to the people no matter how counter-intuitive it is.

I now know I'm going to be fine though, but I still can't shake the feeling that I didn't do everything I could - if not for my XW, for my kids and the family. I'm not a bad man.
Posted By: Btrow Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/10/17 03:49 AM
Quote:
I now know I'm going to be fine though, but I still can't shake the feeling that I didn't do everything I could - if not for my XW, for my kids and the family. I'm not a bad man.


I'm sure you did your best, LC. Noone can ask for more. Your (X)W on the other hand, maybe she could have tried a bit harder. It takes two to be married, right?

And those things you believe burnt the bridges, they probably haven't. People don't do well, while in pain. So don't worry about it. I'm sure she won't hold it against you should she ever reconsider.

Just keep working on yourself (which you seem to be doing just fine) and then your future will be great, no matter what.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/10/17 04:27 AM
Originally Posted By: Btrow
Quote:
I now know I'm going to be fine though, but I still can't shake the feeling that I didn't do everything I could - if not for my XW, for my kids and the family. I'm not a bad man.


I'm sure you did your best, LC. Noone can ask for more. Your (X)W on the other hand, maybe she could have tried a bit harder. It takes two to be married, right?

And those things you believe burnt the bridges, they probably haven't. People don't do well, while in pain. So don't worry about it. I'm sure she won't hold it against you should she ever reconsider.

Just keep working on yourself (which you seem to be doing just fine) and then your future will be great, no matter what.


Thanks for dropping by Btrow smile

One thing is really certain though, since I said that, I feel that a huge weight dropped from our shoulders. Things feel a lot less awkward now.

It indeed takes two to be married and I believe her pursuing another man is what pushed her further away, not my 3-4 bad moments during this entire period... But I'm not going to deny, I wasn't the best DBer, and I'm still growing a lot. Part of me things I wasn't strong enough BECAUSE she started to pursue another R this quickly while keeping my hope up. I've probably been so messed up that the timeframe for this is longer for me than for others - in the sense of getting the life rebuilt completely to the point where I'm attractive asf! laugh

On a side-note: prior BD I couldn't stay in a handstand at all. Now, assisted still, I can stay over a minute and do handstand pushups. Whoo!
Posted By: Tread Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/10/17 04:53 AM
Icause,

My issue is that I DB'ing, but it seemed as if W was cake eating. So I called her out on the disrespect as instructed by the vets on this board. And now she is no longer living in the home. Not blaming the vets. But now I am trying to figure out where to go from here. Because at the moment, I am strongly considering filing the papers myself.

I know you mentioned don't act on emotion. And that 99% of what you say and do is wrong. So what is the correct course of action?
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/10/17 05:13 AM
Don't file the papers unless you are sure about it. As said it can't be done as an act. Unless being married somehow changes your life, is there something wrong to continue being married? You just have to ask yourself if you are truly trying to provoke a reaction/snap her out from the A/disrespect or if you truly want to move on with your life.

With WWs it is often said the love has to be tougher. So, you have to just get your balls back (I see you've done this already) and start living your life for yourself. Stop caring about her. Then she can't be cake-eating. The time frame sadly is most likely much longer than what you've gone through.

I said 99% of what you WANT to say and do is wrong and I meant when you are heavily still attached. Like pursuing for example comes so "intuitively" and the LBS WANTS to do it because it only feels natural to show the love.

I'm not a veteran so always take my messages with a grain of salt smile
Posted By: Maika Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/10/17 06:31 AM
I think there is a strong tendency for the LBS to get this over with at some point. It's not being in limbo because you are doing things to get your own life on track, but there is still a niggling feeling behind your back with all of this.

I feel like there is just so much focus on strategy that it can get exhausting. I've gone through mind loops trying to just figure out what the hell is going on. And I just want it to stop at some point. I am not in limbo - I have plans and I am doing great stuff for me, but the waiting is unbearable. I'd rather have the band-aid ripped off and it's done with.

I am trying to figure out what are some of the most important things that I need out of a relationship with someone. I don't know where to start but I think over the next few months I will have a clear idea.

I can't get a D for another ten months any way, so I have to just wait it out and see what happens.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/10/17 06:41 AM
Originally Posted By: Maika
I think there is a strong tendency for the LBS to get this over with at some point. It's not being in limbo because you are doing things to get your own life on track, but there is still a niggling feeling behind your back with all of this.

I feel like there is just so much focus on strategy that it can get exhausting. I've gone through mind loops trying to just figure out what the hell is going on. And I just want it to stop at some point. I am not in limbo - I have plans and I am doing great stuff for me, but the waiting is unbearable. I'd rather have the band-aid ripped off and it's done with.

I am trying to figure out what are some of the most important things that I need out of a relationship with someone. I don't know where to start but I think over the next few months I will have a clear idea.

I can't get a D for another ten months any way, so I have to just wait it out and see what happens.


True. Staying in limbo [censored] but if you aren't attached, you aren't technically in limbo. So M itself doesn't really change the situation (nor D really...). I really agree with the strategy. I do feel like if you actively monitor the situation and try to change your behavior to reflect your S's, you'll end up going crazy really easily. It's really hard, you have to be really strong and detaching is nearly impossible this way.

Start by figuring out your real priority wants, your LL and how do you want to live your life. Outline things that are important for YOU specifically, what you want and what you wouldn't want to compromise on. Reflect back on your marriage, was there something you didn't like personally? Part of GALing is also to find yourself by pushing yourself out of the comfort zone. Finding new things you didn't know you liked! You should be able to figure it out.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/10/17 07:55 AM
[quote=Tread]Icause,

My issue is that I DB'ing, but it seemed as if W was cake eating.

As my DB coach once said, "to an extent, all WAS's 'cake eat' for awhile. By virtue of our being here trying to save the m, while they are not. There is an inherent inequality at the start, until the r changes." This is a generalization obviously and I don't know your situation to even know if she was unsure or cake eating or for how long, etc.)


So I called her out on the disrespect as instructed by the vets on this board.

Please don't say the vets "instructed" you. I don't know any true DB veteran who would instruct anyone.




And now she is no longer living in the home. Not blaming the vets. But now I am trying to figure out where to go from here. Because at the moment, I am strongly considering filing the papers myself.

Why? Why must you go anywhere this week?

Sounds as if You wanted a reaction from your w but didn't get the one you wanted. Which means you were pursuing or cornering or pressuring her to cave in somewhere.

And or maybe you wanted certainty where there was none, (which is a desire all LBSers relate to.)

But it's risky when it does not go your way, or when you don't learn patience.

DBing has a giant component of persistence even in the face of no guarantee, and brave personal growth even without the promise of a "payoff" - outside of your own improvement.

Sometimes the urge to "Do something" requires the opposite. And doing nothing IS doing something b/c it means to stay in the discomfort until you have the clarity you need to move forward.

Some people resist discomfort so much, that they end up throwing in the towel early and claim they changed.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/10/17 08:05 AM
Originally Posted By: lcause
To be honest, looking back my short DBing, the biggest regret I have is to burn my bridges by being a clingy person and doing stuff too quickly this early (e.g. saying that I don't appreciate her anymore so we can't ever be a couple again or that our R depressed me - which is true but not because of her but because I just didn't know how to be a husband).

on one hand, you say ^^^^^^

But then you say the words below...


So, neither of us ever wants to recon again.


and then this


Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want us back together - but that's NOW. If she changes in the future to be something I always wanted, I can't be sure! This is what people really say on this board. NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT THE FUTURE AND WE ALL SHOULD STOP FOCUSING PRIMARILY ON IT
!

Lc, take it easy. You don't need to keep making declarations. Just learn to "be".

You spoke earlier of neuro-plastcity and that you are different b/c you don't like being social and your neurotransmitters don't get happier when you push your envelope.

That made me chuckle a little. By definition if we push our envelopes we are not going to be immediately rewarded. It is not comfortable. If it were comfortable it would already by in our wheelhouse.

Growth is not comfortable.




Of course I don't believe in it because she's not doing the work for it and actually is in an R now... but still. I could have left it on it's own weight and not let my emotions take control of myself. I wasn't strong enough.


what if you just got out of your head for awhile? Do you know what I mean?



I now know I'm going to be fine though, but I still can't shake the feeling that I didn't do everything I could - if not for my XW, for my kids and the family. I'm not a bad man.


^^^ lots of mixed feelings and thoughts. Maybe you can learn to let go of the need to know exactly what you are going to do, and let yourself feel what you feel. Emotions are not fatal. And time will reveal more to you than the need to predict and foresee.

Are you still working out? How is that going? I recall getting a different kind of job mattered a lot to you.

How is that going?
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/10/17 08:09 AM
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Some people resist discomfort so much, that they end up throwing in the towel early and claim they changed.

I can't help but feel that this was directed at me :P
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/10/17 08:39 AM
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Originally Posted By: lcause
To be honest, looking back my short DBing, the biggest regret I have is to burn my bridges by being a clingy person and doing stuff too quickly this early (e.g. saying that I don't appreciate her anymore so we can't ever be a couple again or that our R depressed me - which is true but not because of her but because I just didn't know how to be a husband).

on one hand, you say ^^^^^^

But then you say the words below...


So, neither of us ever wants to recon again.

Yes, that's how I currently feel indeed. And that's what she thinks. But I still think it was bad behavior from my part. It's like deliberately smashing doors close behind me instead of letting them go shut slow by themselves.

This obviously could change at some point in my life. But by burning the bridges I effectively closed the doors for good. I know you think I'm not over it, but truly it would require my XW to do work on her own part and I doubt she's going to do that - not if she's ready to jump into new R immediately.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

You spoke earlier of neuro-plastcity and that you are different b/c you don't like being social and your neurotransmitters don't get happier when you push your envelope.

That made me chuckle a little. By definition if we push our envelopes we are not going to be immediately rewarded. It is not comfortable. If it were comfortable it would already by in our wheelhouse.

Growth is not comfortable.

Well, yes. I am doing it all the time. I just can't go all in to it immediately. The progress needs to be baby steps like I mentioned in an earlier post in this thread smile

By definition? Depends how well your reward system works. You could totally get high by doing things like that. Maybe you were just too busy in your M that you couldn't do them? OR maybe the reward system just doesn't really work correctly. My point is, start small. Gradually work to rebuild the reward system. It doesn't matter if it's just small things done alone. I feel that pushing yourself directly way past your limits will most likely make yourself resent the activity even more.

Growth is comfortable when you learn to like it or you grow in ways that you really like or you see as progress achieving your passion. Growth doesn't all have to be pushing your envelope.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

what if you just got out of your head for awhile? Do you know what I mean?

Yes, I just wanted to clarify it if someone reads these posts later on. DBing is the best method for recon. Just listen to what people say. No reason to act on emotion.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

^^^ lots of mixed feelings and thoughts. Maybe you can learn to let go of the need to know exactly what you are going to do, and let yourself feel what you feel. Emotions are not fatal. And time will reveal more to you than the need to predict and foresee.

Are you still working out? How is that going? I recall getting a different kind of job mattered a lot to you.

How is that going?

Of course I have some mixed feelings mainly due to not trying hard enough (maybe to prove myself, I don't know) or at least see if I could have actually compromised on the things she wanted me to, I have mixed feelings overall from the entire course of the R. None of them are directly related of NOW wanting to be with my XW though. More of wanting to have the family together due to kids. I never wanted to be a quitter but it just happened. I just feel like ILYB. I guess most WASs feel this way too, at least on some level.

Yes, I do now live in the current moment as I said. That's a huge 180 for me. I've always been a guy living in the future. Everything has been "when I get... when I do... when we do..." etc.

I am leaning on moving to a different city to pursue a degree in business next year (the best university in my country). That's really something I have always wanted to do but I went to different path. Working out is going fantastic. I've effectively doubled my testosterone levels (free-T up too) by changing my diet and by working out a ton. I have good genes and it's easy for me to build muscle and get results.
Posted By: Tread Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/10/17 02:42 PM
25yearsmlc,

It's not about me not getting the reaction I wanted. But things have gotten a lot worse, since she left. It's as if W just decided to take things to whole another level of craziness. Maybe is living with her lonely and bitter sister who gives advice based on what she see's on VH1 reality shows.

W won't respond to any text, unless it involves S13 and that is rare. All I want into discuss finances and other important things. And I get nothing. Sonar this point, I have to meet with a lawyer and file before this woman ruins me and our son. I got people shaking their heads at me wondering how much I am going to endure until I do something to prevent W from ruining me. Please catch up on my thread to see what I have been dealing with. Your advice would be much appreciated.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/10/17 10:52 PM
I want to ask, not from her, but someone. If she is so far from me and already happily in a new R, why am I still getting pictures of my kids almost every day? Is it some sort of a game to try to keep me emotionally attached or is she just being nice? I don't think it's really all that fair for OM either. I don't particularly appreciate it because it's rather annoying. I don't need to know what they are doing and I certainly don't need to see how S looks when he's falling asleep because I can see it live myself. Oh well. It'll probably end soon.
Posted By: Maika Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/11/17 12:24 AM
Yeh that can be annoying, but there are so many reasons why she's doing that - she's feeling guilty, she thinks this is her being a good parent, she just wants to share, etc. Doesn't matter right? Just let her do it. If you don't reciprocate, maybe she'll get the message and stop doing it.
Posted By: Benito Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/11/17 12:44 AM
Originally Posted By: lcause
I want to ask, not from her, but someone. If she is so far from me and already happily in a new R, why am I still getting pictures of my kids almost every day? Is it some sort of a game to try to keep me emotionally attached or is she just being nice? I don't think it's really all that fair for OM either. I don't particularly appreciate it because it's rather annoying. I don't need to know what they are doing and I certainly don't need to see how S looks when he's falling asleep because I can see it live myself. Oh well. It'll probably end soon.


"I'm not a match with this woman and I now believe I've been depressed due to our R" and "Thank god I got rid of this women"

After your statements above I don't think there is any particular reason to wonder 'why?' anymore.

If you do not appreciate the communication it would be better at this stage (with no recon wanted/going to happen) to just advise her against sending anymore unless it is something actionable etc..
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/11/17 01:45 AM
Yes Benni, although it should die on it's own eventually. I don't want to be mean. I'm not answering them or doing it myself. She doesn't want to ever recon so why is she still doing this? I'm just genuinely wondering what good does it do for her. I'm not going to forget my children laugh She tells me she's sorry for bothering me when she asks something important yet it's ok to nearly daily send pictures of our kids with texts like "son almost sleeping smileyfacewithheartsaseyes". I don't think it's particularly fair for her new BF either. I would think it's a bit odd.
Posted By: Benito Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/11/17 01:59 AM
Guess you will always be daddy!
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/11/17 02:05 AM
LC I agree with 25, it seems like you are bouncing around a bit, which is really quite normal for your where you are post-BD (about 4 months). I think you are "trying on" D to see what it feels like and tastes like. And that's OK, but just don't rush into any decisions right now. If you think D is what -you- want then give yourself a month and see if you still feel that way every day for that month. If you do then you're ready, if you don't then you need more time.

Originally Posted By: lcause
Again, this can be moved to surviving the divorce if that's a better place for this thread.


Patience! smile You'll get more activity on your thread in this forum so try and keep it here for now.

Quote:
AS, I really think you should be a motivational speaker (if you want to be one). You are very good at making people feel better about themselves. You pulled me up so many times and I know you don't trust me I dropped the rope this quickly, but I can now see how much better my life will be. I don't think we were a good match and we married too young.


Thank you, that is very kind of you smile Sometimes I think I hit people a little too hard with 2x4's, it's easy to forget the person on the other end is in a world of hurt so that does make me feel better in that hopefully I'm not being TOO hard on people!

Quote:
We discussed about the guy and his long-term gf a year ago and my XW said this guy stated he would never want to have kids... Odd. Oh well, now I know. At least he's a male nurse so he probably is decent with kids.


First, sorry you found out, it's never pleasant to put a face with an affair! Second, I really don't understand why a mother would have any interest in an OM that doesn't like kids but strangely enough that is also the sitch with my brother's ex. They D'd 7 or 8 years ago because of this OM and even though his ex is still with the guy, they've never gotten married because of his dislike for children (which does extend to their kids). One of the kids is grown and moved out now and the other will be soon, but even now 8 +/- years later OM still has nothing to do with the kids at all.

Quote:
I still have a feeling that she will get hurt down the line. Doesn't sound like a particularly solid ground for a R.


I've said it before but very rarely does an R that starts out as an A make it long term. You can't start an R out with lies and deceit and sneaking around and expect it to last.

Quote:
I want to ask, not from her, but someone. If she is so far from me and already happily in a new R, why am I still getting pictures of my kids almost every day? Is it some sort of a game to try to keep me emotionally attached or is she just being nice? I don't think it's really all that fair for OM either. I don't particularly appreciate it because it's rather annoying. I don't need to know what they are doing and I certainly don't need to see how S looks when he's falling asleep because I can see it live myself. Oh well. It'll probably end soon.


Hmmmm. Very hard to say. I used to send W pics of the kids on the weeks I had them, and eventually I realized I was doing it to try and "keep a foot in the door" with her (I stopped after realizing that). So she may be doing that. Or maybe she just likes sharing those moments with someone and she knows OM isn't interested. If you don't respond to them then I'm sure she'll quit sending them at some point.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/11/17 02:07 AM
Yes. Holy cow how royally I failed my DBing laugh

Thanks for the comment too, Maika. I should stop being curious because it doesn't change anything.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/11/17 02:13 AM
AS divorce is going through. Even if I'd wake up in a month from now, I failed it already. They are now in an R and she said I pushed her too far away, to the point of no return ever. I said stuff I shouldn't have said, regardless of my intentions.

The guy now apparently wants kids... and just left a 11-year R/M. Quite odd to me. I just hope my kids don't have to attach to many OMs down the line. They require stability.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/11/17 02:44 AM
Originally Posted By: Tread
25yearsmlc,

It's not about me not getting the reaction I wanted. But things have gotten a lot worse, since she left. It's as if W just decided to take things to whole another level of craziness. Maybe is living with her lonely and bitter sister who gives advice based on what she see's on VH1 reality shows.

W won't respond to any text, unless it involves S13 and that is rare. All I want into discuss finances and other important things. And I get nothing.

she may not be able to handle it. That would be my guess and yeah, I know it stinks for you. There is nothing wrong or unhealthy in protecting yourself financially. Try to do it in a responsible way that does not look punitive.


Sonar this point, I have to meet with a lawyer and file before this woman ruins me and our son.


At first I thought you meant "sonar" and it's such a great term for navigating around
ocean mines. "Launch the depth finders! We don't want to sink." Dang, I think I'm going to use that one. I love analogies and metaphors.

ANYWAY I cannot see how consulting a L would hurt you at all. Seek out professional advice. Maybe you'll feel calmer with the information? If not, you'll know what your action plan is.


Please catch up on my thread to see what I have been dealing with. Your advice would be much appreciated.
I will
Posted By: 25yearsmlc Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/11/17 02:49 AM
Originally Posted By: lcause
Yes Benni, although it should die on it's own eventually. I don't want to be mean. I'm not answering them or doing it myself. She doesn't want to ever recon so why is she still doing this? I'm just genuinely wondering what good does it do for her. I'm not going to forget my children laugh She tells me she's sorry for bothering me when she asks something important yet it's ok to nearly daily send pictures of our kids with texts like "son almost sleeping smileyfacewithheartsaseyes". I don't think it's particularly fair for her new BF either. I would think it's a bit odd.


This^^ confuses me. Is she sending you photos of your own kids, or of her and OM?

If the pics are just your own kids, does it bother you b/c you end up missing them more and that hurts? I can understand that.

I don't understand your interpretation of her behavior (or even trying to at this point. Mind reading is just not productive).

If it matters, I'm pretty sure She's not doing it to hurt you.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/11/17 04:49 AM
My kids, not her and OM lol. That's partly it indeed. It feels like she would think it would ease my pain of not seeing them , instead of actually just making me think them of course. I know it doesn't matter anymore. I was just curious.
Posted By: Holding Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/11/17 04:58 AM
LC, try to enjoy the pics for the sake of your kids. I know it can be hard to do though. There's no need to respond when she sends you the pics.

If her sending the pics continues to be really hard for you, maybe you can just ask her to stop. Don't waste any energy asking yourself why she's doing it.
Posted By: Maika Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/11/17 06:08 AM
Quote:
The guy now apparently wants kids... and just left a 11-year R/M.


Like AS said earlier, what a way to start a R. I mean this just can't last. How do you build trust when the foundation of the R is deceit and lies? I dunno, I keep trying to put myself in the OM situation and it just makes me feel gross - you're enabling someone to do some serious damage to another person. Maybe I am too ol' school considering how pervasive this behaviour is.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/11/17 06:24 AM
XW claimed they started discussing ~a week after BD. Somehow I just don't trust it because of the signs... She also said OMs break up was longer time ago - and corrected that "or it had been going on for a longer while".

What I worry is that when my XW said "I never thought anyone would want me again", her breaking up and directly jumping to the OM and OM not wanting kids prior plus him breaking up... I just don't want my kids to attach to him as a step dad and then experience another break up. Of course it can work, I'm not saying that - but for me it just doesn't sound like a solid foundation for a relationship especially when kids are involved.

I'm speculating again but you have to understand that I really worry about my kids.
Posted By: Maika Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/11/17 06:29 AM
Oh I am totally with you LC - my kids are paramount.

One thing I have made clear with W that there is never going to be a step-dad situation happening with the kids. I am their dad and whoever you're with is your partner. Not have any place in raising my kids. Maybe this is unrealistic, but no other dude is going to mould my child. I will simply not have it.

I doubt it happened right after BD. It must've been going on for a bit.
Posted By: EastTN Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/11/17 07:57 AM
Originally Posted By: Maika
One thing I have made clear with W that there is never going to be a step-dad situation happening with the kids. I am their dad and whoever you're with is your partner. Not have any place in raising my kids. Maybe this is unrealistic, but no other dude is going to mould my child. I will simply not have it.

It's entirely unrealistic. My STBXW has flat out told me the reason she blew up the divorce and is trying to turn my and D's life upside down is because she refuses to accept the idea that she could eventually have another mother figure in her life (while living with OM and playing house with D on the weekends).

The thing is that you can't control this, like I cant control what my STBXW does. It's going to happen. And any man around your ex is going to have a relationship with their children (good or bad) because they're going to be around your kids. And you may meet someone you care about enough to risk getting married again. And that person will have a relationship with your kids, too. It's impossible for that not to happen.

OM made cookies with D this weekend. I think it's way too soon for them to have this kind of thing going on, but I'm NOT going to try to screw with that! Because the ONLY person that's going to hurt is D.

Yes, it's important that boundaries are in play so that step-parent is JUST a step parent rather than a replacement. That the kids remember that both of their parents love them, and care about them, and support them. But step-parents are important too.

It might hurt. A lot. But that's life.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/11/17 07:58 AM
Originally Posted By: Maika
I dunno, I keep trying to put myself in the OM situation and it just makes me feel gross - you're enabling someone to do some serious damage to another person.


EXACTLY! I would never date someone that is married, even if separated. There is just WAAAAAY too much baggage there, especially if kids are involved. I would never be able to shake the feeling that maybe I contributed to the breakup.

Originally Posted By: lcause
XW claimed they started discussing ~a week after BD. Somehow I just don't trust it because of the signs... She also said OMs break up was longer time ago - and corrected that "or it had been going on for a longer while".


The Spin Machine is running full time! WAW's are just as good at spinning OM into some Greek God as they are spinning the LBH to be demon spawn.

Quote:
I just don't want my kids to attach to him as a step dad and then experience another break up.


Well it's a valid concern, but my experience in observing my brother's case as well as a few friends that have been in similar situations is the kids will NOT attach to someone that isn't heavily invested in them. Kids always harbor resentment towards OM and it takes a very special OM to overcome that and work his way into their hearts. Your W's OM supposedly did a 180 on wanting kids, but I doubt that means he wants to be dad to someone else's kids. If he says that he's probably just trying to placate your W. Anyway I wouldn't worry about it unless you see evidence of physical or emotional abuse. He's not going to replace you, that will never happen.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/11/17 08:07 AM
Originally Posted By: EastTN
The thing is that you can't control this, like I cant control what my STBXW does. It's going to happen. And any man around your ex is going to have a relationship with their children (good or bad) because they're going to be around your kids. And you may meet someone you care about enough to risk getting married again. And that person will have a relationship with your kids, too. It's impossible for that not to happen.


Unfortunately I must agree with EastTN. Assuming there's no abuse present, there is simply nothing an LBS can do to prevent the WAS from introducing an OM or OW into the kids' lives. One can only hope the WAS is responsible about it. We've all heard the stories of those who have numerous "aunts" or "uncles" spending the night, I would argue that is highly immoral but there is nothing illegal about it. All any of us can do is be the best parent possible to our kids. Luckily for me my kids were older, two were nearly off to college when it all went down. And my XW was actually very good about keeping OM away on the weeks she had the kids, even after D. But my heart goes out to those that have to deal with the hell of a wannabe replacement stepping in (or a revolving door of "friends") on top of everything else.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/11/17 04:56 PM
My XW actually said there's not going to be a step dad, that I'm always going to be the dad. Said this back in BD.

I kind of wish I wouldn't have been so clingy and pushed her more into the arms of OM. There was also no need to tell her I see myself being better off. I apologized her though because those comments hold no real value. Hopefully I don't end up regretting my actions later on laugh
Posted By: Benito Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/11/17 08:05 PM
Originally Posted By: lcause
There was also no need to tell her I see myself being better off. I apologized her though because those comments hold no real value. Hopefully I don't end up regretting my actions later on laugh


Morning,

You are going to be better off without her though aren't you? Your potentially moving to a new city to start university etc?

You have been pretty adamant that you have washed your hands and moving on i.e. neurotransmitters etc..

Nothing to regret really if you just concentrate on you.

Stay there..
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/12/17 03:34 AM
Thanks Benni.

I mean mostly due to pushing her towards OM. Albeit, I still fantasize of hearing the words "I'm so sorry. I think I made a mistake, I wish I would have tried harder" later on regardless of my own feelings or even if she wouldn't even want to recon. Don't know why but for some reason at least currently those words would make me feel good. I guess most of the LBSs dream to hear those words regardless of where they are unless they have moved on completely. Heck, I'd still, on some level, want to hear an apology from my previous ex that she cheated on me with my back-then best friend. And that was over ten years ago smile

Also, just like WASs, the feelings I have are CURRENT. I think I wouldn't be able to offer anything in a relationship AT THE MOMENT. I don't know what the future holds and it's better for me to stay in this moment. I still don't particularly like my behavior and I should have just let it be. What's done is done.
Posted By: Rose888 Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/12/17 11:58 AM
Originally Posted By: lcause
My XW actually said there's not going to be a step dad, that I'm always going to be the dad. Said this back in BD.

I kind of wish I wouldn't have been so clingy and pushed her more into the arms of OM. There was also no need to tell her I see myself being better off. I apologized her though because those comments hold no real value. Hopefully I don't end up regretting my actions later on laugh


Your XW said she's never going to have a live-in romantic partner? And you believed her?

Or she said she refer to her partner as the kids' step-dad?

I think it's naive to think your wife will live alone with the kids until they are grown. And it's equally alive to think you can control how your kids will feel about the adults living in their home with them.

You could try to control the language they use, but it wouldn't be good for your relationship. And it wouldn't be good for your kids. (I've seen that play out.)

And it still wouldn't keep your kids from considering your wife's partner their step-dad or a second dad, if he is kind and invested in their lives.

Better to let go of this idea now.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/12/17 03:22 PM
Rose888, of course not. But that I'm always going to be the dad, and she's not going to keep her new partner as a "step-dad" for the kids. That's what she meant.
Posted By: Btrow Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/12/17 07:19 PM
Sorry LC, but it is gonna happen anyway. Any partner your XW will have in the future who lives on the same home as your kids, will have some sort of role in their lives. You can call him anything you want, but he will play with the kids, drive them to sports, cook for them, give them advice, etc etc. You get the drift.

What she probably meant was, "he will never replace their dad". And he most certainly won't smile
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/12/17 09:08 PM
I know, that's my point too. Of course the same will happen with my next partner too. Maybe I didn't make myself clear enough smile
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/12/17 09:57 PM
I'm embarrassed to admit but I think it is true what AS really said in Maika's thread. I haven't dropped the rope but I still feel I couldn't take her back now. I want to live my life and find myself but I do think I made too quick decisions and now I also regret not DBing and giving ultimatums/pushing her further away or just having zero expectations and just living my life. I do think the issues we had could have been discussed and I do think we could have found a common ground.

However now that I only have a future without her thanks to my actions, it is better for me to start entirely focusing on myself and stop visiting this forum. It feels like reading the sitches here is actually harming my process because I end up thinking back all the time and spinning around. I already felt very good. I'm really embarrassed my negativity and anger took me to the wrong path. I just have to remember that future is as bright as I want it to be. smile
Posted By: Btrow Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/13/17 12:16 AM
The logical part of your brain has dropped the rope but the emotional part hasn't. I'm right there with you. We'll get there eventually.

And yes, reading other person sitches is probably not doing us any good until we are "through". I used to follow all sitches here, but have cut it down to just a few now. We can always come back later to offer support and advice.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/13/17 07:07 AM
Thanks Btrow, that's probably the best way to put it. I guess the emotional side is really hard to kill, especially quickly. There are some studies that rebound relationships actually help you get over your ex quicker. I made the mistake and I read some random garbage in Reddit about talent vs hard work, and again for some reason got pulled back into the fixed mindset of questions and doubt of myself. Lol. Sometimes I just feel like I'm not worth anything.

I don't understand why my XW is so friendly towards me. Like if I pushed you far away, why are you still acting like I'm a good friend? If I video call my D, I don't want your face in the picture or you answering pretty much all the questions I ask. I also don't have to know every single detail of my D's life, she can tell me herself.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/13/17 07:21 AM
Originally Posted By: Benni8
Originally Posted By: lcause
There was also no need to tell her I see myself being better off. I apologized her though because those comments hold no real value. Hopefully I don't end up regretting my actions later on laugh


Morning,

You are going to be better off without her though aren't you? Your potentially moving to a new city to start university etc?

First, There's a package to being better off without "her" called "without my kids and an intact family".

Second, why tell HER that? To hurt her?


Or to confirm her decision to leave was right and what was best for all. "LC admits it! See? We are ALL happier now"

Plus, there are too many declarations. LC, you need not share No need to share this days' emotions as we change and evolve and discover in our grief, a lot.

And this is still extremely new. And it seems a little like oneupmanship. Or a contest and

finally, I am concerned for the kids. If both parents are "so much happier" now, despite the turmoil it gives the kids - I don't know what message that is.

I can't speak for others. I just know I will not lie to OR wallow around people about this.

"Yes it's sad when a marriage ends, and it's been hard, with lots of changes. But I'm learning a lot and feeling better. No worries, I'll be fine!"



You have been pretty adamant that you have washed your hands and moving on i.e. neurotransmitters etc..

Nothing to regret really if you just concentrate on you.

Stay there..


How are you explaining the move to your kids? How long are you going to be gone and how often will you see them?

Are you at all concerned you might be looking for a geographic change?

Posted By: Btrow Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/13/17 07:37 AM
Quote:
I don't understand why my XW is so friendly towards me. Like if I pushed you far away, why are you still acting like I'm a good friend?


I have a female co-worker that was a genuine walkaway (not WW, but it probably doesn't matter in this regard)

I went to her for advice back when I was getting D, on how to deal with XW, and also to understand WTF happened to my life. She told me "she is going to be nice to you. Simply because you are her childrens parent. And because she needs you to be her babysitter, and the parents need to get along for the childrens sake, etc. It doesn't matter how you behave towards her. She will always come back nice next time. (Just dont question her parenting skills, that will awaken a tiger..) ".

That is so spot-on my XW.

Whether that is why yours is nice to you, I obviously don't know.. But I sense a pattern here.

I also like to think that the increasing number of smileys I get in the messages from XW mean more than they do, but it is probably just "niceness"
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/13/17 08:12 AM
Originally Posted By: lcause
I'm embarrassed to admit but I think it is true what AS really said in Maika's thread. I haven't dropped the rope but I still feel I couldn't take her back now.


Owning your feelings is never something to be embarrassed about! Be true to yourself, it's the fastest way to recovery. Denial is just delaying the inevitable emotional crash.

Quote:
However now that I only have a future without her thanks to my actions, it is better for me to start entirely focusing on myself and stop visiting this forum. It feels like reading the sitches here is actually harming my process because I end up thinking back all the time and spinning around.


I think a lot of us feel/ felt that way at times. Just take a break. Come back when you're ready, it may be a few hours or a day or a week but eventually you'll feel the need again.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

finally, I am concerned for the kids. If both parents are "so much happier" now, despite the turmoil it gives the kids - I don't know what message that is.


Absolutely. It just aggravates me that so many WAS's say something along the lines of "the kids will be happier too", I mean who could possibly think that breaking up kids' parents would have a POSITIVE effect on them. The BEST you can hope for is to minimize the trauma to them, and if your kids are hurting then you as a parent should be hurting too. I mean DB'ing does call for a certain amount of "active as if" but I think the intent there is to avoid moping around looking pathetic all the time, not so much standing on the rooftop talking about how happy you are to be getting D'd.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/13/17 08:24 AM
Btrow, I agree, it's probably that. I'd actually prefer if she was as cold as directly after BD.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
First, There's a package to being better off without "her" called "without my kids and an intact family".

Second, why tell HER that? To hurt her?

Or to confirm her decision to leave was right and what was best for all. "LC admits it! See? We are ALL happier now"

I don't know. Maybe I wanted some closure? Maybe I was a tiny bit angry that she could just do what she did? I apologized. What's done is done.

She already thought leaving was the best thing! Otherwise she wouldn't have left and jumped directly into the arms of an OM, lol. There's nothing I can do now but to just continue my life and move on.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Plus, there are too many declarations. LC, you need not share No need to share this days' emotions as we change and evolve and discover in our grief, a lot.

I know, I'm quitting this forum in a few days.

About the move: If it's my passion, I'm going to do it. I'm still thinking very hard. I would see them a bit less than I do now. It's only ~80ish miles.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/13/17 08:37 AM
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander

I think a lot of us feel/ felt that way at times. Just take a break. Come back when you're ready, it may be a few hours or a day or a week but eventually you'll feel the need again.

I came here to look advice for making my family intact again but that's not going to happen anymore so I don't think this board has that much of a value personally for me, except for maybe helping where I can and if I can. smile

Self-growth topics are not really all that interesting. I should put up another blog and write my journey there.
Posted By: Btrow Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/13/17 08:57 AM
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander

Absolutely. It just aggravates me that so many WAS's say something along the lines of "the kids will be happier too", I mean who could possibly think that breaking up kids' parents would have a POSITIVE effect on them.


AS,

On the day of BD, I demanded that XW told the kids the very next day that mom and dad were divorcing (I have no idea why I asked her that, maybe I was in a state of shock, maybe I thought she was bluffing..). Anyway, she did...

And at some point during that day she said to D8 "we are also doing it for you"... WTF... I would understand if they lived in a broken, or unhappy or dysfunctional home. But my kids lived on a very happy home (so did their dad).

So yeah, the WAS' certainly have a different perspective of life.
Posted By: Holding Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/13/17 09:26 AM
Originally Posted By: lcause
I came here to look advice for making my family intact again but that's not going to happen anymore so I don't think this board has that much of a value personally for me, except for maybe helping where I can and if I can. smile

Self-growth topics are not really all that interesting. I should put up another blog and write my journey there.


LC, I encourage you to stick around and post at least until your D is final. Even though people come here looking for hope, I think they deserve to see all possible outcomes.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/13/17 09:56 AM

You wrote:


Self-growth topics are not really all that interesting. I should put up another blog and write my journey there.


What do you think about this^^ statement?



Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/13/17 03:38 PM
Ok 25. I'm sorry, I do see your point. I guess on some level I was trying to get someone to say that I didn't burn ALL the bridges. Ironically I just did what you told me not to (let the negativity become the self-fulfilling prophecy).

I think I'm more messed up than I thought. IC helps but still I'm feeling regret now. But I don't know really if it's the fear or what. All I know I have been sleeping really poorly for weeks now.

I'll continue writing every now and then and try to keep it more in the interactions between me and XW.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/13/17 09:54 PM
I think I require some 2x4s for one last time. Someone roast me! Don't save on words. Make it as blunt as it can be. Then I really have something to prove wrong! Don't mind, I'm not going to be offended. Bonus points for being funny smile
Posted By: Btrow Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/13/17 10:02 PM
No problem, but what exactly have you done to deserve 2x4's? I guess we can re-write history and gaslight you a bit, but I still cannot see what you did wrong here?

Are you referring to the stuff you told XW then please repeat them.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/13/17 10:19 PM
I was clingy 3-4 times, she saw me really emotional. Asking for her feelings and what she thinks of future (reassurance). Then I noticed her getting closer to the OM and got angry even though I said here it didn't. I told her I'm pissed off she couldn't be honest with me even though that was the only thing I asked for. I told her our R depressed me and said I think I'm going to be better off. I said I could never be able to appreciate her for just jumping into a new R directly. Later I said my future is not going to be better because I could have built it just as good with her and apologized. I also apologized that our R did not depress me but the fact that I couldn't be a proper husband for her. Then we both agreed there is no chance for us anymore after all this. Then she said she is so happy now that someone would actually want to be with her even though she thought no one would want her.

I was so sure my future is better without her. I really was. But an intact family is an intact family. Now I'm regretting all the clingyness and declarations. I still think I need time alone to grow but I still kind of hoped we'd both grow and have a chance for a family reunion, as changed people. Super embarrassed to say this all. Maybe I was trying hard to prove something for myself. But Now, roast me, force me to focus on myself and my future with someone else. Roast me of failed DBing. Roast me of failed GALing and I'll make sure I prove you wrong down the path!!! laugh
Posted By: Benito Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/13/17 10:31 PM
Morning,

Well at least we are getting a bit of genuine honesty from you now - that is good. There is no shame in that at all. From my point of view it is obvious you are battling with conflicting mindsets/ideas as you are jumping around emotionally, and it feels sometimes as if you are trying to convince us as much as yourself.

Either way, I am glad you feel like this now as this is where you can finally (as my dad would say) "knock a boiler off" i.e. calm down, focus and start just by getting through one day at a time.

Once again I will reiterate that there is no shame in how you feel or your actions etc..

I for one am glad you have reached this point because this is the point from which you need to build from.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/13/17 10:39 PM
Thanks B. I expected roasting from you but got very supportive words. You're a good guy smile You put it well. Now I have nothing more really to say to XW. I've dropped the rope logically but indeed not emotionally. Maybe it is as you say and this is the point where I start to make true progress in my life.

Oh and I'm seeing a doc about my sleep issues tomorrow.
Posted By: Benito Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/13/17 10:55 PM
Im supportive because your being honest.

Like I said above if you read through your posts there was an element of "look im going to be ok" - when in reality that wasn’t the case. If anyone spent the time to genuinely imagine how you must feel after 'losing' your family (I don’t mean that to sound harsh) then they would know it isnt just going to be alright.. Its going to be hard.

That being said, now you admit you arent 100% ok and you are struggling a bit, then fair enough lets support you.

Im not trying to make you feel better, but you will be ok.

From my point of view the first thing you need to do is get a job. Get some money coming in and get into a routine. You can build from there.


Doesn’t have to be an amazing job - just something to give you some purpose and time to think about something else other than your situation.
Posted By: Btrow Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/13/17 11:23 PM
Originally Posted By: lcause
I told her our R depressed me and said I think I'm going to be better off. I said I could never be able to appreciate her for just jumping into a new R directly. Later I said my future is not going to be better because I could have built it just as good with her and apologized. I also apologized that our R did not depress me but the fact that I couldn't be a proper husband for her. Then we both agreed there is no chance for us anymore after all this. Then she said she is so happy now that someone would actually want to be with her even though she thought no one would want her.


Listen, we all screw up some times. We are humans. You are a human going through the worst period in your life. Off course you get emotional. It's not like you could have rehearsed for this period. You said some things in the heat of the moment and she reacted the way any other person would have. When you said you were better of without her etc what could she have responsed with, other than "yeah I'll be better of too"....

Many many years ago I had a girlfriend (we were living together). I know it can't be compared to a long marriage with kids and all, but still: when she told me she wanted to leave I probably said the most hurtful thing you could ever say to a woman. "I don't care about you". I could see directly how painful that was for her to hear. But you know what. 6-8 months later she came back (the door was closed though). So please stop obsessing about what you said in the heat of the moment. Your XW will either forget what you said or not let it hold much value. She KNOWS it came from a wounded man.
Posted By: Maika Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/14/17 12:07 AM
LC - I don't have much to add from what Benito and Btrow said. Your post shows me that you are doing some serious self-reflection and now you can admit where you are emotionally and focus on yourself. I know you said you did a bunch of things that drove her away - we all did some of that dumb $hit. But let that go because if you just focus on yourself for the next 12 months, then see where the chips fall.

I think we need to completely break ourselves down before we can rebuild and truly start living life from a place of strength. I think telling ourselves we're going to be okay too early on just short circuits the process. Just know you're not okay right now and you can allow yourself to feel and process that - let the anger and grief out. And start building yourself over time.

You're going to be okay because of all the things that you are going to do to heal yourself in the next 12 months; and you have a solid community here that has your back. I don't think I could've done this without this forum. Let's help each other build ourselves and learn from each other.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/14/17 12:48 AM
Thanks guys.

Benito: I appreciate it. I'm sorry I acted a bit rude towards you. I already do have a job but it's a job I'm really insecure about. So finding a better one would definitely be the best starting point.

Btrow: I understand. The thing is though, I think my actions made her start a proper R with the OM. Or maybe I'm just mind reading or speculating. I know she knows I'm wounded and that s%cks. I'm still living too much in the future.

Maika: I will let it go because now I simply don't have anything to lose anymore, like you said. I've effectively reset the entire thing and the only way is either up or an alternate path. I agree what you are saying too, I was trying to convince myself too early...

It will still haunt me for a while that I did what I did and potentially ruined the entire thing. Of course it will. But on the other hand, I'm probably a bit relieved too. I don't know.
Posted By: Benito Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/14/17 12:51 AM
When you keep saying you ruined things.. just remember...

A successful marriage takes 2 people..

You might have 60% of the blame.. but its not ALL of it alone.

Give yourself a break
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/14/17 12:55 AM
That's true Benito. I meant this phase, not M but I guess she could have also take some time to find herself again and not start a new relationship from a place where she was so wrecked that she believed no one would ever want her again.

Well, that's her problem now and not mine. I can now focus entirely on myself and my own problems.
Posted By: Benito Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/14/17 12:57 AM
Originally Posted By: lcause

Well, that's her problem now and not mine. I can now focus entirely on myself and my own problems.


And guess who will probably be the person who she falls back on when it eventually starts to fade?

But by then you will have a choice.

The ball will be in your court by then
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/14/17 01:01 AM
Ha! Well, we'll see, can't predict the future. smile That's that moment's problem if that ever happens. Now I'm focusing on the present moment. Getting myself up.

Kids coming here today. Holy h3ll how much I have missed them. Going to cook something really good for D and let her play some Minecraft while I'm playing with S smile Too bad the weather is really bad.
Posted By: Maika Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/14/17 01:03 AM
Precisely. They jumped into a R without doing the same level of personal work that the LBS is doing. They haven't really fixed or improved what they did to contribute to the breakdown of the MR. I know for a fact that with my W - she still has the same issues she did pre and post BD. Whatever she gets into is with the same baggage and can only last so long because you truly can't just jump into a new R like this. That's why the LBS shouldn't even contemplate one for at least a year - we're just not ready. The WAS think that they can and once that falls apart, who is the person they can fall back on.

And as Benito said - the LBS has a choice at that point and the ball is in their court. You can come to this from a place of strength at that point. Nothing to lose by then.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/14/17 01:27 AM
I also think not jumping into a R shows strength on your part. It shows that you are willing to do the work to hopefully avoid getting into this situation again. It also shows that your not needy, clingy and you have a great life with or without a mate.
Posted By: Benito Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/14/17 01:34 AM
We don’t need a relationship. A lot of the pain we are feeling is because having a wife or a family validates us to ourselves and others. That we are ok.. We are lovable.

The pain we are all feeling now.. Is that loss.

BUT.. That pain does fade, and when you are not afraid anymore. That's a world that most people never have the balls to face.

We are dropped there (without us wanting it) but we are still there.

Our WAS never address that issue, so see the OM as another person to fill that validation part of their lives.

Its done out of need rather than want.

The best part Is.. You will be in a position of want soon.. Rather than deperate need. They wont.

You win long term.
Posted By: Maika Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/14/17 02:42 AM
Quote:
I also think not jumping into a R shows strength on your part. It shows that you are willing to do the work to hopefully avoid getting into this situation again. It also shows that your not needy, clingy and you have a great life with or without a mate.


THIS ^^^^^^^^^^^^

&

THAT vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Quote:
We don’t need a relationship. A lot of the pain we are feeling is because having a wife or a family validates us to ourselves and others. That we are ok.. We are lovable.

The pain we are all feeling now.. Is that loss.

BUT.. That pain does fade, and when you are not afraid anymore. That's a world that most people never have the balls to face.

We are dropped there (without us wanting it) but we are still there.

Our WAS never address that issue, so see the OM as another person to fill that validation part of their lives.

Its done out of need rather than want.

The best part Is.. You will be in a position of want soon.. Rather than deperate need. They wont.

You win long term.


PURE GOLD!
Posted By: Holding Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/14/17 03:12 AM
LC, don't beat yourself up for being clingy, emotional, or angry. We've all floundered and doubted what the right thing to do was. We're confused and hurting. It's so easy to go back and overanalyze a million things. If it was an honest attempt at the time it happened, that's really all you can ask. Learn and move on.

I think the pressure put on the LBS is immense, crippling actually. We feel like our S has given us this impossible maze to navigate, and if we can found our way out, we'll save the M!
Posted By: Maika Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/14/17 03:18 AM
Yeah the pressure is maddening - crippling is the right word. At least DB allows the LBS to stop running around the maze trying to find the right corner to turn the clock backwards.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/14/17 03:47 AM
Thanks guys.

I saw AS mentioning that ignoring and waiting for WAS to love us again never works. But I'm certainly not going to ask anything "you seem sad..." stuff and only validate if she opens up herself.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/14/17 06:44 AM
LC, my apologies if I'm repeating myself from earlier in your threads (I forget who I've told what sometimes) but I thought I was doing really well after BD and that I was going to be fine whether W came back or not, everything seemed awesome. Then about 3-4 months post-BD (where you are now) I suddenly had an unexpected crash that just seemed to come out of nowhere. I had never been through real depression/ anxiety before and didn't know what in the world was happening, it was horrible. There was no particular trigger, it just happened. If you start having thoughts of suicide and/ or you feel dead and empty inside, then go talk to a doc. I did and ended up on A/D's and about a month later I felt almost completely normal. Body chemistry is a strange and unpredictable thing, but going through BD can cause "situational depression" which is a very real illness that is completely beyond our control. It's not a matter of just snapping ourselves out of it, it needs professional intervention. I mention that because your posts are distinctly different now than they were before and I hear you saying things that remind me of what I went through.

Regarding your W telling you it's over for good and there is no chance, every WAS ever had said that at some point, and many of them do recon later. That is how she feels NOW. Tomorrow, next week, next year, who knows? My buddy that I've talked about before, his W said that to him almost word-for-word. "We are done and there is no chance we'll ever get back together." She left him, made him sell the farm, close their business and split all assets. She moved in with OM. That was 4 or 5 years ago. What would you say if I told you they are back together again, living together, rings back on, happier than ever? Impossible, right? Life is strange my friend. Never assume anything.
Posted By: Tread Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/14/17 06:54 AM
AnotherStander,

Why did they get back together after 5 years? For me that proves that H was plan B. Because things clearly didn't work out with OM.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/14/17 07:25 AM
AS, I'm on A/Ds. I've just been sleeping really poorly (I'm going over a month at 4-5 hours sleep per night + also waking up during sleep) and haven't got any progress on my life. Going to see a doc tomorrow about that. But now I'm really in a point where I have honestly accepted the situation and even dropped down to the level where I don't have anything to lose anymore and she admitted she's in an R with the OM so emotional side will follow much faster, I guess. The next big blow will be the day when they tell to my D about the OM.

Yeah, I'm not gonna focus at all to the future anymore. We'll see.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/14/17 08:25 AM
Originally Posted By: Tread
Why did they get back together after 5 years?


It's kind of the typical WAS pattern discussed here and in DR. She was having struggles and blamed him for everything until she was finally "done" with him. Once he removed himself from the equation and she realized her problems were with her and not him, she started doing some soul-searching. Her fog lifted and she remembered he was a pretty darned great guy after all, kind of a "what was I thinking" epiphany. She started reaching out to him just to talk, and things progressed slowly from there. She was the one doing all the pursuing because he was done. She had to work to get him back.

Originally Posted By: Tread
For me that proves that H was plan B. Because things clearly didn't work out with OM.


Plan B is you waiting around for your W, letting her temp check you, always letting her know you are there ready and waiting if she ever changes her mind (which she never will because she knows you'll wait forever). It's you hungrily licking up every pathetic crumb she throws on the ground. He was not Plan B. He let her go. He did not beg, plead or pursue her, and he did nothing to stop her from splitting up the assets. He also did not assist in the D in any way, and as it turns out she never pursued D. Once the assets were split he went absolutely and completely dark on her- zero contact for 2 years.

Originally Posted By: lcause
I've just been sleeping really poorly (I'm going over a month at 4-5 hours sleep per night + also waking up during sleep) and haven't got any progress on my life. Going to see a doc tomorrow about that.


Hopefully the doc can help with that, I was having the same trouble and they prescribed an anti-anxiety med for it. There's nothing worse than not being able to sleep! I hate being on any kind of med's, I took the anti-anxiety stuff very sparingly and weaned off the A/D's as soon as was reasonable (took them about 3 months total). I did consult the doc before weaning off of them. Per his suggestions I reduced the dosage every week, I think it was by 15%? Can't remember exactly, but it did require cutting the pills up into ever-smaller pieces. Anyway I'm just saying it's hopefully temporary to get you through this until you are your normal self again, and you will be!!
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/15/17 10:29 PM
This directly from the doc: "sounds like you're having stress. Here's Rx for sleep meds". Seriously? I "slept" 12 hours last night. Woke up multiple times. This is just getting annoying. My face looks so tired. Hard to keep say eye contact when you're tired. Just generally feel so much less confident. If I ever get this fixed I'm going to take laser therapy for the dark circles around my eyes.

XW sending pictures again and complaining about what D is doing, how D is feeling and so on. It's really funny how everything important (e.g. schedule stuff) starts with "sorry to bother you.." but all these non-important stuff just come through. laugh This all is so messed up that I'm really coming to the point of understanding that there is no reason to try to think why. My mom constantly advices me to be much more blunt with these. She says she regrets she raised us to be so nice, albeit jokingly.

Also XW said my XBIL asked if I could remove his XW from Facebook friends. I didn't answer and frankly put, that's so childish. You can come directly to me with a good reason; who I have in my friends is not your business.

Been helping my father to fix a few cars. I woke up to reality of what I would really want to do - amateur theater! That would be a dream, would help me immensely and I'm now trying to find out how I could get there. I'm pretty good at acting and "living the emotions" and acting them out with energy, but of course only for people that I know. But this could make me more extroverted! I've never felt this passionate about something else than my core interests smile
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/16/17 12:53 AM
Originally Posted By: Benito
We don’t need a relationship. A lot of the pain we are feeling is because having a wife or a family validates us to ourselves and others. That we are ok.. We are lovable.

The pain we are all feeling now.. Is that loss.

BUT.. That pain does fade, and when you are not afraid anymore. That's a world that most people never have the balls to face.

We are dropped there (without us wanting it) but we are still there.

Our WAS never address that issue, so see the OM as another person to fill that validation part of their lives.

Its done out of need rather than want.

The best part Is.. You will be in a position of want soon.. Rather than deperate need. They wont.

You win long term.


I realized I didn't really answer to this but this is what amazed me. I understood this already put you put it out there very well and it really got hammered into my mind properly now. Thanks for this B.

I think the Rs that truly last and where love is shown for years and years are exactly built on top of a foundation like this. Of course there is a chance a R from a need goes on but I think it's more rare that it would be as fulfilling because the partner is selected on wrong terms. I don't believe in the concept of love on the first sight because true love comes after the initial limerent phase ends.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/17/17 01:59 AM
Mediation tomorrow. I'm going to ask for separate rooms and I'm pretty sure my wife is going to be confused about it. I didn't even want to go... But agreed because people said it's better. She's making my life h3ll on purpose.

I'm feeling so angry today. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to be a single dad properly. Winter is coming and it's going to be h3ll. I'm glad D is so old she can help me. I just don't understand how she could do this to me. I so wish I can build a good life for myself. It just feels so hard.
Posted By: leahsue Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/17/17 03:35 AM
You can build a good, even a great, life for yourself. And you will.

Not only that, you are going to be a kicka$$ daddy. Just the fact that you are worried about how you're going to do it, tells me how deep and steadfast your love is for your children. They are lucky to have you.

You are going to be just fine, and you'll look back on these days and see how awesome you really are. Hang in there.
Posted By: Btrow Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/17/17 04:45 AM
Just dropping by to wish you good luck tomorrow LC.

How is she making your life h3ll on purpose though? All you write about is how nice she is to you. Would you like her to be mean?

And I second what Leah is writing, you will be just fine. It just takes some time to get there.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/17/17 06:49 AM
Originally Posted By: leahsue
You can build a good, even a great, life for yourself. And you will.

Not only that, you are going to be a kicka$$ daddy. Just the fact that you are worried about how you're going to do it, tells me how deep and steadfast your love is for your children. They are lucky to have you.

You are going to be just fine, and you'll look back on these days and see how awesome you really are. Hang in there.


Thank you so much for your kind words. They really made my day better. I really want to make my kids proud of me. The path is just so foggy right now; so foggy that I'm battling on just giving up on my life and staying miserable frown

Originally Posted By: Btrow
Just dropping by to wish you good luck tomorrow LC.

How is she making your life h3ll on purpose though? All you write about is how nice she is to you. Would you like her to be mean?

And I second what Leah is writing, you will be just fine. It just takes some time to get there.


Thanks Btrow. Well, by wanting to go to mediation instead of negotiating everything together like she first said. I need to dig papers through, skip work, put my name on a paper that basically restricts me and makes her life easier...

Believe or not, I'd rather see my XW being angry at me than sending me pictures of my kids or sharing something. I wish she would just leave me alone but I don't want to say anything about it. It's odd how she just doesn't realize. If you are that far away from me, there is no reason to keep contacting me daily. Like zero, nada. It doesn't help me detach and get better if I'm constantly being reminded of how I'm only seeing 1/3rd of the life of my kids.
Posted By: Btrow Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/17/17 08:32 AM
"Dear XW. I miss my kids so much when they are not with me. When ever you send me pictures of them it hurts and brings me down. Could you please stop doing that, thanks. /LC"

If you truly don't care for her anymore, you are free to do and say whatever you want. Forget DB'ing. Just do what's best for you.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/17/17 08:41 AM
Well I f*cked up my DBing already so might as well. Although I still think it's better to show strength, it will eventually stop anyways. OM would probably feel a bit off if she would still send me pictures of kids daily.
Posted By: Btrow Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/17/17 09:07 AM
I believe there is a difference in showing strenth towards your XW than being emotional regarding the kids.. But that's just my take on the subject.

If you want to show strenght, then why do you want to sit in different rooms tomorrow? A strong man goes into that room with nothing but confidence (if you are able to off course).
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/17/17 09:46 AM
True. It's not about confidence but to break the "women high-fiving and hating on men" atmosphere everyone keeps saying those things have. Also I'm not particularly keen in telling how much I earn now to my XW as it really isn't her business. I can't also give day specifics of when I can be with my kids as we agreed every second weekend plus ex-tempore (say @wknd) agreements for the next week or so. I bet she's going to want more stabile days which I just can't give, especially agree with a name on a paper because I don't know where she's gonna move, where I'm going to be working at and so on.

I just think it's better for her to realize herself than for me to say it because if in the future I need some less important info from her, it probably feels less natural to ask. I still want to keep the communication open but it just feels so odd for her to say she's drifted so far yet message me daily...? I'd assume one would understand what "drifting far away" means...

Also, maybe on some level I still want to DB. I know I f*cked it up already, but still.
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/17/17 07:25 PM
Well that's over now. The woman asked why the divorce and my XW cried hysterically. Relieved now. I heard so many horror stories about it beforehand but it wasn't that bad.


Next step is the D itself. Then it's over.
Posted By: Maika Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/18/17 12:09 AM
How are you feeling?
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/18/17 12:17 AM
Better. Thanks for asking. Was stressing it so much I didn't sleep at all last night. But overall pretty pleasant, except XW crying was a bit awkward.

Now I'm just waiting for the D to go through. Feels so relieving.
Posted By: Holding Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/18/17 02:39 AM
I feel for you, LC. Was the mediation contentious? How long did it take?
Posted By: lcause Re: Rebuilding my life - 09/18/17 03:50 AM
Not at all. My XW didn't ask for anything else than what we had already agreed together. Just that now it's legally binding. I think we were there for two hours. I went there expecting XW trying to make it hard for me but it's all good.

She's looking for a new apartment that's one room bigger than the one we lived in. I guess OM is going to move in sooner or later. She's a student and can't afford the rent alone.



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