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Attaining MEH

Posted By: T384

Attaining MEH - 08/11/17 04:08 AM

Last thread

Sorry Cadet I still have no clue why the hyperlink doesn't work.

Nothing new to report. Today is S7 birthday! We started off the morning with meet the teacher. I'm a little upset he got the teacher we didn't want so I'm looking into a private school Monday morning. The baby was up all night last night as you all saw me posting at 3am. I think he had a belly ache and he's teething. Poor guy. My dad even heard him and came in to ask if he was okay. Not a word from H. Not that it shocks me.

Ginger - thank you for validating me. I think my problem is I feel H is validated by a lot of people. Even my own mom says things like well he is just done he doesn't love you and he doesn't want to be married. It happens all the time. People just decide they aren't right for each other. I get so annoyed and frustrated hearing these things because it's BS in my opinion. Yes I am FAR from perfect but I know it wasn't bad. We didn't have a bad marriage. Things were good until I had a rough pregnancy and school. My dad says if I wouldn't have given him [censored] about the flowers and his behavior H would have just slid under the radar. But now that I know what he's capable of because of last BD I called him on his crap and he wasn't used to that person because pre BD 1 I would have just let his behavior go and not think much of it

Treasur - lipstick on a pig made me lol this morning smile

Train- did you see my last post to you on my previous thread?
Posted By: Cadet

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/11/17 04:24 AM

Originally Posted By: T384
[url=http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2756062&#Post2756062][/url]

Sorry Cadet I still have no clue why the hyperlink doesn't work.

You are not doing it right.
Just put the link in with out the hyper part or
use the second button from the left in reply mode.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/11/17 06:48 AM

Originally Posted By: T384
Last thread

Sorry Cadet I still have no clue why the hyperlink doesn't work.

Nothing new to report. Today is S7 birthday! We started off the morning with meet the teacher. I'm a little upset he got the teacher we didn't want so I'm looking into a private school Monday morning.

wow, that's a really bad teacher if you want to change schools for it! Yikes! Can you try getting the better one, first? Just asking.


-

Ginger - thank you for validating me. I think my problem is I feel H is validated by a lot of people. Even my own mom says things like well he is just done he doesn't love you and he doesn't want to be married. It happens all the time. People just decide they aren't right for each other.

believing your h feels as he says he feels and acts, is not "validating" him, imo. That would be like saying "Your h loves himself more than he loves anyone else" is the same as saying

"and that's fine/healthy/normal for a dad/h", which it is not.


I get so annoyed and frustrated hearing these things because it's BS in my opinion. Yes I am FAR from perfect but I know it wasn't bad. We didn't have a bad marriage. Things were good until I had a rough pregnancy and school.


You are defending yourself here^^^^. You can stop that now. No one here believes you failed.


My dad says if I wouldn't have given him [censored] about the flowers and his behavior H would have just slid under the radar. But now that I know what he's capable of because of last BD I called him on his crap and he wasn't used to that person because pre BD 1 I would have just let his behavior go and not think much of it

cry cry Please ask your dad, who is probably my age, to STOP Saying this.

How is the second guessing helpful?? It creates more self doubt in you and makes it seem as if being in denial & meekly accepting $h1tty behavior, would've been better in some way. I so disagree.

you were placed in an impossible position, a confusing maze of behaviors in your face, while pregnant.

NO healthy woman, let alone a woman with income potential & self respect could've long ignored it.

Your dad means well, but all this speculation isn't helming you. Are you asking him his opinion?

And finally, I don't believe your H is going to be shocked by your filing for D, no matter what he says to you.

He is laying the PR groundwork for filing or at least leaving, himself. Hence the mutual friends talking to you. He is working on his image management, which you do Not need to do.

Any man leaving his w & 3 kids at your kid's ages, can't look like a great guy in any scenario. At this point in his life, H worries far more about how his choices are viewed by others, than by whether they are moral choices.

You have nothing to manage in the PR department. I mean it. The situation speaks for itself.

Please just get thru the week & find some moments...

Happy Birthday to your 7 year old!!

Posted By: OwnIt

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/11/17 04:58 PM

T, the only voice that matters is the one inside you. Listen to her. Really listen.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/12/17 10:14 AM

we all believe in you, T.

Shut down the fears, don't even "go there" with that scary little ghoul in the back of your mind.

Your h's choices about OWs or leaving you with 3 kids FEELS like a reflection on you.

Of course it does. But step back and see what we are telling you

You are allowed to have flaws. You are "entitled" to be human.

But your h is choosing to leave, (or daring you to file for D).

We are saying that^^6 is about HIM, not you.

Please trust that is true. Never mind your parent's answers to the endless questions of "Why/How?" Or how "if only YOU had ...." as if any of us could possibly control our spouses choices...(none of us would be here if that were true).

When you keep seeking answers to questions that are not answerable, you will get some false answers. Your parents are trying to explain the unexplainable.

When we project our own moral compasses or values onto our spouses, we are mystified.

We can only assume guilt/remorse/confusion b/c that is what it would take for US to make the choices THEY are making...

but you are not your h. Try to grasp that you may never grasp this.

And that you will be alright anyhow.
Posted By: Treasur

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/13/17 04:53 AM

How are you doing, T?
Posted By: sandi2

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/13/17 09:03 AM

Quote:
Today is S7 birthday! We started off the morning with meet the teacher. I'm a little upset he got the teacher we didn't want so I'm looking into a private school Monday morning.


I'm no authority, so take this FWIW. Balancing out each class according to race, gender, IEP's, Standard Test Scores, etc........can be challenging. Sometimes the one in charge of class scheduling can swap students without too much of a problem. It might pay you to speak with the school principal, counselor, or district school superintendent and let them know that if they cannot switch classes for your child, then you will go the private school route. State monies are issued to public school districts based, in part, on the student population, so every pupil is worth so many thousands of dollars to the district. (You probably already knew this....but in case it helps someone else). Your district may not be hurting for more students, but again......they may. Also, if there is a nearby public school district that you could use, check out the School Choice Act. Just a thought. Btw, private schools cannot always give you the teacher of your preference, either. Either way, I wish you the best of luck, b/c you don't need this additional source of stress.

Quote:
I think my problem is I feel H is validated by a lot of people. Even my own mom says things like well he is just done he doesn't love you and he doesn't want to be married. It happens all the time. People just decide they aren't right for each other. I get so annoyed and frustrated hearing these things because it's BS in my opinion


I don't see this as validation, but I get what you are saying. It's as if they are letting him off the hook gently.......almost making excuses for him......bless his little ole pea picking heart. Hey, if your family won't smack talk your H, you can always look me up. I'm usually pretty good in that department. smirk.

Quote:
My dad says if I wouldn't have given him [censored] about the flowers and his behavior H would have just slid under the radar. But now that I know what he's capable of because of last BD I called him on his crap and he wasn't used to that person because pre BD 1 I would have just let his behavior go and not think much of it


I agree. My question to you, since you say the M was good............do you regret calling him on his cr@p? If so, are you blaming yourself for making that decision? B/c it's almost like he has a split personality. One personality is out for xx amount of time.......then wham......the other one comes out. To me, that appears to be an unstable situation.

I realize above anyone else that I have not been in the LBW's shoes, so I hope you won't resent me if I tell you some of the things I do. Sometimes, when I read behind the writings of LBW's I wonder if I just have a block of ice for a heart. Is it normal to blame yourself for your H losing his moral compass? Is it normal for the LBW to want him back, knowing he is capable of putting her through this again? Is it normal to focus on how wonderful the M was.......before he decided to betray his pregnant W........and want that guy back again? I suppose it might be, IDK. As I've previously told you, our D left her cheating H the last few months into her high risk pregnancy. He had to D her, so he could marry the OW he got pregnant. And, I tried my best to comfort her the day he M the OW, b/c her heart was breaking. It was frustrating for me, watching her cry over the man who would do this to her and their unborn child. Years later, that child still suffers from never having a relationship with his father and feeling accepted and loved like his half siblings. And guess what? It is not the child's fault. The wife nor the child determined that man's morals. He continued with the same behavior through out his other M's. He drove thousands of miles to attend my D's funeral, (with his new woman who was half his age) and I think he loved my D.......but he did not love her more than appeasing his lust for other women. So yes, my D made the right decision to dump his cheating a$$ and give him the freedom to deposit his sperm wherever he wished. B/c whether she set him free or not.......he was going to continue his bad behavior. The sad part is he is a wonderful person in every other way. He's just a sorry H (and has been a sorry father to my grandchild). So.......in my book, that tarnishes him as a man. Case closed.

Then you have some men who are simply too weak. They need to be nourished via breast feeding. They leave Mother's breast and go straight to another woman's breast. They are never without the female breast for any lengthy period of time, less they perish. They often have a spare female waiting in the wings, just in case. When they marry, they expect regular and equal nursing time before anything or anyone else gets attention. If they are taken off the W's breast....for whatever reason....they quickly (almost panicking) look for another woman who will breast feed him. sick
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/13/17 10:00 AM

T

Sandi I Love the breast feeding analogy. The imagery is powerful, and yeah, funny too.


There's another one of a monkey who won't let go of one vine until he grabs another. God forbid he's ever "left hanging" without clutching a vine in his paw. But it's fine to leave a spouse hanging, whether pregnant, with a newborn, whatever. It's about them b/c they matter the most, and sometimes at the expense of others (but...oh well).

When you said your son in law probably "Loved" your d, but just not as much as he valued his freedom/OW's/more money/ and or the shiny new object.

As painful as it is to end a marriage, T - you have to

know in your head AND (in time) heart,

that staying in said marriage would NOT lead you to more happiness or more love. I promise you that is true. There's such a thing as cutting your losses, and walking away from the table.

There really are good men out there. I realize you don't "need" to have a man,

but rest assured you won't have a good man in your life while you are clutching to a guy like your present h. I'm sorry, T. I just know you are going to be more than alright, on the other side of this.

((( )))
Posted By: skm0619

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/13/17 11:06 AM

That breast feeding analogy is so spot on smile
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/13/17 11:08 AM



(((Sandi,))) -I could not find your thread so I had to post here.

Somehow I missed that your dear daughter passed away. OMG, what??
I'm so terribly sad for you and your h. It is the worst kind of loss. It's "out of order" in nature.

Thank God your grandchildren have you and your h as grandparents. In a way, your grandson is effectively an orphan, so I send him my prayers and hope.

RE Your former sonInLaw - bad news that he is, has lost a treasure in your daughter and a lifetime of honor as a husband and father. And he is married to an OW, a woman another person living a life without honor as a mother or woman. I'd hate to be her friend or sister (or kid). Ugh...I would be banned if I wrote out what I think of them.

Anyway, again, I'm Very sorry.

AND Sorry for the hijack, T3.

((( )))
Posted By: T384

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/14/17 03:51 AM

Hi all,

Doing as okay as can be expected.

Sandi I am so sorry to hear of your D frown

And you should Know better then to think I would EVER resent you do anything you say to me .... we've been through this long enough together for me to know you have the best intentions for me smile


Without getting into too much detail (I am in the midst of filling out my financial affidavit what fun) things have changed around here ... we're following the same
Course of events as last time. OKAY I KNOW I KNOW, don't compare it to last time. I can't help it. It's eery how similar his behavior is.

I recently made a new friend that has helped me tremendously these last few days. I've started to stand up to H's bullish!t since S7's birthday. Sandi you'd be proud I think smile

He obviously has forgotten this version of me because he didn't respond well to my lack of sympathy for his sh!t. But I'm starting to find who I was that I've lost during all of this becoming this meek wife that was afraid to push him the wrong way. Now I am fighting for what's right for the kids and I regardless of how he views me.

He's threatened taking my truck, says he's not giving me any money. Blah blah blah. Says he has no money, etc etc. I responded how he could travel to PA if he's broke. Apparently his work chipped in and paid for his trip AWWWW!!! I mean I just laughed that he thinks I believe that. But I told him maybe his workn'buddies' could chip in for the school supplies for the boys that he said he couldn't pay for smile

Anyway, off to my lawyer. Oh and H wants to sit down and talk to go over the future and finances. I told him if I had time in my schedule. I'm busy with work school the baby the boys soccer etc. That's when he threatened lawyers. I said go ahead smile
Posted By: Train

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/14/17 12:11 PM

Sandi,

I, too, did not realize that you lost your D. I just got caught up here, and my heart broke into a hundred pieces the moment I read it.

I also know that she must have felt so incredibly loved and supported by her parents ... and especially her mom.

I'm just so sorry.
Posted By: BluWave

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/14/17 02:05 PM

Sandi, of course I don't know you, but reading that was a dagger in my heart, and I just want to say I am so sorry for all that you have been through. I have 3 Ds myself and they are the world to me. I know I can recover losing my H but I could not wrap mind around losing one of my Ds. ((()))) Thank you as always for sharing with us and leading the way.

T, I am so glad at how strong you sound and feel in this post! We all believe in you! Whenever you feel low and self doubt, just accept it, but also remember that YOU ARE STRONG and IT IS IN YOU! As time goes by there will be more and more days that you can detach, rise above his BS, and be the woman that you want to be. Remember these moments--big and small--of how you felt after you became the T that you wanted to be. His reactions--wahhhh wwwhhaaa whhaaaaaa--don't matter or control you and your choices anymore! You keep being you despite him.

You got this lady!
Blu
Posted By: sandi2

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/15/17 05:30 AM

Quote:
Somehow I missed that your dear daughter passed away. OMG, what??
I'm so terribly sad for you and your h. It is the worst kind of loss. It's "out of order" in nature.


Thank you, 25. Yes, I lost my mother and in less than 12 months later, we lost our D. She suffered so badly the past several years, she really had very little quality of life. I lost the two most important females in my life less than a year apart.

Quote:
RE Your former sonInLaw - bad news that he is, has lost a treasure in your daughter and a lifetime of honor as a husband and father. And he is married to an OW, a woman another person living a life without honor as a mother or woman. I'd hate to be her friend or sister (or kid). Ugh...I would be banned if I wrote out what I think of them.


It was very painful for our entire family, b/c we treated him like a son. Our D was blessed some years later when she married again. This H was mature enough to take care of her and deal with her disease, and he wasn't out chasing skirts. He made her happy and was with her till the end. So, I agree with your statement about good men are still out there.

Thanks for caring.
Posted By: sandi2

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/15/17 05:46 AM

Thank you Train and BluWave. That means a lot to me.

Quote from T:
Quote:
He obviously has forgotten this version of me because he didn't respond well to my lack of sympathy for his sh!t. But I'm starting to find who I was that I've lost during all of this becoming this meek wife that was afraid to push him the wrong way. Now I am fighting for what's right for the kids and I regardless of how he views me.


This is terrific news! We all knew you had it in ya........it's just that you've been in a vulnerable state the past several months. Yes, I am quite proud you, T. smile
Posted By: T384

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/16/17 01:23 PM

Sandi- I'm so sorry to hear I can't imagine losing my mom and a child especially so close together. I'm glad she met someone that appreciated and loved her for better or worse.

Well H found out somehow I filed. My attorney got a call from an attorney very shortly after the petition posted online this morning from an attorney claiming to represent H. He accepted service of the petition so H won't be served at work nor is he surprised. Just another frustrating aspect of more crap going his way.

I didn't get any word from him. He came home as normal. Acting like nothing.

He came in the boys room where we were hanging said hi and participated in a little conversation then went showered and asked to hold the baby and is out there to himself.

I also shut his phone off today and changed some of the locks but not the front door. My attorney said I could and I planned on it because I honestly didn't think he would come here.

I haven't let on that I'm frustrated but my blood is boiling inside. I want to ask him to leave. I need him out of the house. I am losing my mind.


He came to soccer practice the other night and he never shows up there so he's putting on his dad of the year [censored]. Then he holds the baby the whole time when he never holds the baby at home. He's held the baby more since Sunday than he has since he was born. After soccer he didn't come home til 1030 at night... soccer ended at 730. I didn't say anything but I don't know how much longer I can take of this.


Any advice is appreciated.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/16/17 03:49 PM

why can't you ask him to leave? Worst case scenario is that he refused till he's ready, which is what is happening already...

OR ask your L to contact his. In some states there are semi automatic restraining orders upon request. Even if only for 10 days...

I don't think either of these ^^ options are worse than just letting him remain indefinitely.

((( )))
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/16/17 03:51 PM

PS

You gotta give your h credit for his image management. Suddenly he's Father of the Year?

How nice that you have some public events wherein he can act like a parent... cry

I'd try to savor the moments. They won't last forever.
Posted By: Treasur

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/16/17 04:20 PM

Well, I guess it tells you he already had a L...so you can expect him to behave like a duplicitous s**t without the b***s to talk to you directly about a plan to protect his family...and a big sign from the universe that you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Check with your L on how you can get him out of the house now. You need some control and a sense of safety, and your H is not going to suddenly start acting decently. I suspect if you asked him to leave he'd refuse just to be an entitled asshat. And protect yourself financially.

I'm sorry. I know that even if your M had to end, this isn't the way you'd choose.
Posted By: OwnIt

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/16/17 05:26 PM

Unless someone in your inner circle said something, I'm guessing he was preparing to file and his attorney checked or gets an update of filings from the court. I agree with Treasur, he was trying to surprise you and you beat him to the punch. Whether you got to see it or not, I'm sure he had an oh sh$t moment when his lawyer called and told him.

Get him out of the house. Since he knows, tell him to get out and then change the locks. Not a safe situation and no reason for him to be there. He can do his public baby holding and leave you in peace.
Posted By: T384

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/17/17 01:18 AM

So I changed all the locks except the front door because of him coming home.


My attorney said I can change the locks but he can change them right back... my dad is concerned if I change them and then I'm out of town this weekend he will change them while I'm gone. I asked my attorney worst case scenario and her answer was worst case he can stay living there until we get to our emergency hearing which is in 30 days and she said even then the judge can allow him to stay in the home.
Posted By: woundedfool

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/17/17 02:07 AM

First, I am sorry that the situation has come to this. I can see you are in a tough spot. But I think you are losing sight of a lot of the DB principles.

Originally Posted By: T384
He accepted service of the petition so H won't be served at work nor is he surprised. Just another frustrating aspect of more crap going his way.


Very true, he has probably been preparing for some time behind the scenes. However... DB it:

Act as if!

Quote:
I didn't get any word from him. He came home as normal. Acting like nothing.
And if he did come home, to pick a fight? You didn't react either way. Good work!

Quote:
I honestly didn't think he would come here.


Why would you think that?

Quote:
I haven't let on that I'm frustrated but my blood is boiling inside. I want to ask him to leave. I need him out of the house. I am losing my mind.
Good that you are steadfast with not letting on about your frustration. My unsolicited advice would be to just kill him with kindness. If you want him out, that will do the trick smile

Quote:
He came to soccer practice the other night and he never shows up there so he's putting on his dad of the year [censored]. Then he holds the baby the whole time when he never holds the baby at home. He's held the baby more since Sunday than he has since he was born.


How is this a bad thing?

Originally Posted By: OwnIt
Not a safe situation

T0 Did I miss something? I don't recall there any issues with your H and abuse/violence?

Originally Posted By: OwnIt
no reason for him to be there.

Sorry, devils advocate here: no reason, other then he is 1/2 owner?
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/17/17 03:55 AM

IMO, getting him out of the house is not being punitive, it's a safety issue, as well as a mental health issue. Your h does not have to have a violent past for tension to exist and increase.

T3, you have the most important people in your life under the same roof with someone who is in an adversarial position.

Divorce does not bring out the best in us. There's a baby who needs more attention at this stage, and you and the baby sleep odd hours. 3 kids in your kids' age groups is draining under the best of circumstances.

But Lest we forget,

he's been setting up the "he's too poor" scenario, buying things for himself without disclosing the purchases, and doing the public image management

(*Wounded Fool, I don't think T3 minds his paying attention to the baby, I think she minds the hypocrisy, b/c he never does that anywhere else )

T3, you could leave with the 3 kids if need be. But It is easier for him to leave, than you and 3 kids. AND for God's sake, He has been planning to leave the home, anyhow.


While the judge could say "well, legally sure he can stay," most judges prefer some distance. And many will ask the lawyers about a plan to avoid you all being in each other's faces.

Regardless, whatever ends up happening, it will be temporary.

Hang in there

((( )))
Posted By: T384

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/18/17 02:31 AM

Hi Wounded - exactly what 25 said about the comment with the baby. He doesn't help at home at all. In fact after he was parading around soccer when practice was over and it was time to go home he didn't come 'home' he didn't walk in the door until 1030. So he doesn't do the real work of being a parent he just puts on this facade in front of everyone. No help with dinner, showers, homework, lunches, feeding the baby or even just holding him so I could do everything, etc.

I've been acting AS IF. Nothing seems to phase him. Hell he hasn't acknowledged I filed for D or anything of the sort.


He sent my parents and me a text yesterday saying hi it's H, this is my new number.

I replied : Hey! Thanks for the info. I already had the number. I have a lot more, too, as I'm sure you can imagine. I'm ready to have that talk you suggested Sunday and discuss you moving out again. Tonight good?

H: talking to my lawyer this afternoon have to make sure he's okay with it first.

Me: okay great! Let me know smile

H: sounds good.

He then offered to pick up our son from soccer. He's starting his paper trail. First of all he's gone to more practices in the last 2 weeks the. He has in all the years of soccer and prior to taking to his attorney he never communicated if he was going to offer to pick him up for me.

I just said thanks for the offer but the boys have the same ride they've always had.

He got home, I was cooking and happy said hello. I made him a plate. He offered to take the baby so I could eat. I politely declined (I had to feed the baby) he told me to go sit down and he would finish making lunches. I thanked him and left the room. He told me S9 was upset he wasn't starting this weekend and that coach said his head wasn't in the game. I took that opportunity (for the FIRST time through all of this) to say well you know why right? He's really worried, stressed and upset about everything that's going on. His coach had a talk with me this week that he can see everything affecting him. I said S9 cried to my dad and I the other night about how worried he is that's why he stayed with my dad the other night because we both had a talk with him. H said 'I know' and I continued walking down the hallway and didn't say another word about it.

He also didn't bring up my request to talk so I didn't go there. Not sure if I should bring this up again soon because I want it clear I want him out even thought I can't FORCE him out.

I also let H know our account was overdrawn fromchim not making the full house payment. He said he would take care of it today.

Anyway, that's about it. I'm going away for the weekend with the boys for their soccer tournament and I booked us a nice hotel where all our friends are staying. I felt the boys needed something to take their mind off of everything.
Posted By: woundedfool

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/18/17 03:23 AM

Let me start by saying: I GET IT smile All of a sudden he is attempting to "show" change (not consistent, meaningful change... just potentially a show).

But:

Originally Posted By: T384
He doesn't help at home at all.



Originally Posted By: T384
He then offered to pick up our son from soccer.
Originally Posted By: T384
I just said thanks for the offer but the boys have the same ride they've always had.
Originally Posted By: T384
He offered to take the baby so I could eat. I politely declined (I had to feed the baby) he told me to go sit down and he would finish making lunches.


IMhO, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Let him participate, and help.

If its not consistent or becomes passe' that is on him. But to deny even the opportunity... its on you.

When I said back to DB basics...

Quote:
I've been acting AS IF. Nothing seems to phase him. Hell he hasn't acknowledged I filed for D or anything of the sort.


Its not supposed to phase him where you see it. Its supposed to hit internally.
Posted By: Maybell

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/18/17 03:48 AM

I wish I could get your H in a dark corner and kick him. But I think I'd be competing for that pleasure with a lot of people.

You do need to stop worrying if you're impacting him, but that is a process. Just work towards it. You are about to go through a process (the divorce) that is going to hurt much more than all the cr@p that's come before. Use it to fuel you. Whatever BS he pulls, whether it's the show of the perfect father or what not, just use the frustration from it to push you forward. It really does get better. And he will lose patience with trying to put on the act and revert back to his real self.

If you're worried about the effectiveness of his impression management... you've already had friends tell him that they can see through it. It's going to be a case of too little too late. You're worrying about that is just a symptom of how much credibility you're still giving his claims for why he pulled all this on you. He has no excuse. He just is looking for one and has decided to blame-shift his cr@p onto you. YOU DON'T SUCK AT ALL. He does.

FWIW, several years ago I had a friend going through a lot of what you're going through. She had four little kids and her ex, who had never done much of anything, pulled the old 50/50 custody thing on her. She reached out to people who had known her through her life and asked us to write letters describing what we'd known of her and him as parents. She got MANY letters of support, and yep, she kept her kids. What he's trying to do now is known as TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE. Because a guy who walks out on his newborn child has a handicap in the "good father" department that can't be overcome by carrying the baby around at a soccer game. People are likely looking at him thinking, "He must not see much of his newborn otherwise since he's taking FB pics with hoes."

You will be fine. Just relax into the roller coaster and have a strategy that will help you quit giving him so much space in your head.

I do agree that if he offers to help, you should take him up on it. You aren't going to get a lot in the future. Take it while it lasts, so you've got the energy to do what you need to do. Even if it's bitter going down, you'll be able to know you took the high road and didn't try to alienate him from the children. (I get it, I don't think my ex should get to have a good relationship with the children after how he hurt them, but that kind of thinking only makes their and my lives harder in the long run.)

Keep being mighty, T!!!
Posted By: Treasur

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/18/17 04:06 AM

Can I join the kicking queue too?
Posted By: OwnIt

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/18/17 04:44 AM

T,

Don't guilt him with the kids. I did that for a long, long time. He doesn't care. If he did, you wouldn't need to guilt him. Let him do the paper trail. He needs to spend time with the boys and you will need breaks from doing so. He will not be able to keep it up.

Let the lawyers hash out the details. In the end it will be less emotionally devastating and likely go smoother.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/18/17 06:19 AM

T3

if your h goes for and somehow gets 50% custody, I'd smirk and smh.

He wont' use it up, he'd be late, or a no show with a last minute excuse, which YOU will document in your paper trail.

And that^^ is IF he got half custody.

If a miracle happens and he really does get half custody AND if another miracle happens and he uses the time with the kids and acts like a dad, that would not be a nightmare.

But for now it's so far down the road, I would not give it any headspace. Truly.
Posted By: Treasur

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/18/17 06:26 AM

Eyes on the best from a bad situation prize, T. You're doing well. Fakeman will keep faking. We say Phoeey and Pshaw.
Posted By: Jim1234

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/18/17 06:58 AM

Originally Posted By: T384


He then offered to pick up our son from soccer..... First of all he's gone to more practices in the last 2 weeks the. He has in all the years of soccer and prior to taking to his attorney

He offered to take the baby so I could eat...... he told me to go sit down and he would finish making lunches.

He said he would take care of it today.



I'll be the first to admit, I'm coming to this discussion a little late and am missing most of the history, but from your statements quoted above, is it possible your actions have caused him to think "oh $hit, what have I done?" and these actions are him trying to salvage the marriage?
Posted By: Maybell

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/18/17 08:57 AM

Quote:
I'll be the first to admit, I'm coming to this discussion a little late and am missing most of the history, but from your statements quoted above, is it possible your actions have caused him to think "oh $hit, what have I done?" and these actions are him trying to salvage the marriage?


No, but if he was, there would be a queue of 2x4-wielding DBers reminding T not to fall for it.
Posted By: Jim1234

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/18/17 10:46 AM

Originally Posted By: Maybell
No, but if he was, there would be a queue of 2x4-wielding DBers reminding T not to fall for it.


OK. Fair enough.
Posted By: Train

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/18/17 01:33 PM

There might be a queue of 2x4 wielders. But I wouldn't be one of them.

Jim, sometimes it takes someone a little less bitter/cynical to come along and point out the obvious around here. I, for one, appreciate you doing it. You know ... beginner's mind ... baby steps ... PMA ... and all that jazz.

Sometimes I need reminded that people can change. But every day, I am reminded by looking at my H. Not everyone here is able to do/say that.

For the record: most everyone on these boards knows my H cheated twice in eight years. And he probably acted like more of an a$shole than I even let on here. And though I struggle a lot with what happened between us, I have to say that I'm happier in my M *and my own skin* right now than I've ever been. Because we are working on it ... and us, collectively and individually. I can't say what tomorrow holds. But I know I'm a better person for what I've been through. And I know the changes I've seen in my H the past three years. It's been incredible and mind-blowing to watch. And I wouldn't trade the past three years for anything, despite how hard the journey has been.

T, you're on your own journey. Who knows where it will end? Not me! Do I believe your H has had an immediate epiphany and is a changed man? No. Do I believe he's acting this way all of a sudden ONLY to manipulate you and/or because he's being advised by a L? No.

I *do* think he's being advised. But I can tell you that a man who decidedly has one foot out the door can not successfully pretend to be helpful or loving. If nothing else, us women are too intuitive for that.

But, let's be honest, you already know how I feel and what I think you should do, so I'll save my fingers from the typing. wink

Throw the guy a tiny itty-bitty little freaking bone.
Posted By: T384

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/18/17 01:52 PM

Hi Jim - thanks for stopping by. I always appreciate everyone's insight and the diversity of this board. Plus a man's insight is always helpful

Maybell- thanks for stopping by as always!

Oh and Train- You know I love you Jimmy wink

Oink oink
Posted By: T384

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/18/17 01:53 PM

Hit send too soon... I would love to add more but H and I are off to renew our vows

Haha wink
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/18/17 03:24 PM

Originally Posted By: T384
Hit send too soon... I would love to add more but H and I are off to renew our vows

Haha wink


good one. I bet he's planning a big surprise party too... cool

If your h was attempting to reconcile with you, it would be loud and clear, b/c that is what worked last time he had an OW. Not a few impression management gestures in public. If I were a betting woman, I'd bet a lot that he's gotten advice before you filed. Then again, so what?

You have made your choice and though it's not irreversible - I think the chance you two have of reconciliation, rests on your h believing he has lost you AND him wanting to change and do the work to transform your marriage into a successful one.


I don't harp on that^^ b/c your h has a pattern.

I'm not one of those who says "kick him to the curb!". I'm not ever into the punishing or "teach him a lesson" type. Life will teach him lessons and life will show him the consequences to the extent he can learn them, and to the extent he cares.

I hate hearing that my h doesn't care for a lot of reasons. Obviously. And I hate writing that to you.

So it's time for a small dose of reality - that regardless of how your h feels about your family, he has chosen himself and the single life, over your family, and at the family's expense.

That is self evident. And in a way, that clarity helps.

You may want to try that meditation app called "insight timer" - it's free. I listen to it every night and sometimes in the middle of the night when I awaken unpleasantly.

It's pretty fast acting and you don't wake up groggy.

(((T3, I wish you some peace...)))
Posted By: BluWave

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/19/17 01:23 AM

I agree with 25, as usual :-) And here is another spin on it. Let's say he is stepping up because the advice of his L or someone else in his life. Let's say it does feel like it is for show or to help him win some additional custody arrangement, or he has some motive that is not solely for the immediate benefit of helping you and/or spending more time with kids. (and I think we are all agree that is what it is looking like)

But still, there is a potential benefit, and it could be huge. If H can continue on this trajectory, albeit not perfect, this ultimately will be the best sitch for the kids and down the line you as well. Plain and simple, kids deserve a dad that is present and young kids benefit from a frequent and consistent custody arrangement.

Sure, we all agree that your H is dirt bag. Still tho, if he loves his boys and is willing to spend time with them, go to soccer practices, hold the baby often, put them to bed, etc, well isn't that truly best for them? I mean, what if he can stick to a schedule like this? Isn't that best for the boys? And T, down the line, won't it be nice to have the help and time for yourself?

I have never brought this up on the boards but my oldest D19 has a different dad--we were never M and I was young when I had her--and I left him when she was a baby. He was a real POS too. He pulled a lot of stunts and made my life h3ll for years. I was young, broke, in college, and he managed to make things harder most days. I did all of the legal leg work, paid for it, tried desperately to get some sort of custody arrangement for D so he couldn't come/go/cancel on her last minute. He never paid a dime of support and would not stick to any schedule we had set up. I took care of all of her needs, preschool, healthcare, everything. He didn't seem to want to see her but he would stalk me and pursue me often. He literally strolled into court, shed a few tears about missing her, and bam he got the custody he requested and 50-50 legal. That is California Family Court Services for you: apparently all you need is a pulse and to simply show up.

Here is the thing tho, because I did hijack for a reason: whatever the court arrangement is, the truth will unfold over time. If he can't stick it out, you can always go back and have it revised. My ex only wanted every other weekend and a weekly phone call. Sadly, by the time she was 10 he disappeared entirely. However there were many years when he was stable and had a GF that he did take her most weekends and she came to really know him well. Now as an adult, shes does not have the burning itch of wondering who he is.

There was nothing you could have told me at the time that would soothe my fears and anxiety when I was going through those wretched court battles. It was a nightmare. I can tell you today though, that it will work out for the best in time. If he can step it up and be a good and present dad for his boys, well I think that is best for them! If he fails at that, then sadly for him, it will be his loss. My D19 is amazing, beautiful, and brilliant and her dad doesn't even know her anymore. I don't have any anger towards him but I sincerely pity him. She has not seen him in 9 years and she has no interest in it.

Sorry for the hijack. I agree with 25 that the natural consequences will unfold themselves. You just keep focusing on your fabulous self T! You are a wonderful mom and amazing gal with or without this fool.

Sorry for the hijack. & Time for my coffee too :-)

Blu
Posted By: sandi2

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/19/17 07:18 AM

Yep, me too! This has nothing to do with him wanting to make amends to R........or to do the "right thing" in any part. Someone has told him to get his a$$ in gear, to be ready for any child care questions that should arise in court. "Have you ever attending soccer practice"? "Do you help the kids prepare for school"? "What have you done to help your W with the kids"? "Mr, T, how often do you spend the nights at home with your family"?

He's a fool, but he's smart enough to fly by the last minute to say he's been there. I think I'm going to be.......... sick

Has that Aug. house payment been met?
Posted By: woundedfool

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/22/17 01:08 AM

Paging T0, T0 please pick up a white courtesy phone.

Just checking in, how did the weekend go?
Posted By: T384

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/22/17 02:39 AM

Hi!

The boys and I had a good weekend ... I'm still recovering though! They won the tournament which was awesome!

I would be lying if I said I wasn't dealing with some frustration behind the scenes with my situation though.

Friday H watched me pack the whole night, loading the car with the tent coolers chairs etc and didn't lift a finger. I actually, for the first time, wasn't phased. I drank a bottle of wine while getting everything done and had a good night. Saturday morning we had to be out of the house by 6am so I got all the kids ready and we made it out of the house on time (small victories) I didn't wake H up so he was getting himself up as we left.

So we had a game first thing in the morning with a large gap in between. My parents had both come. Side note : my parents do not engage with H anymore. They will respond if he talks to them but they do not make conversation and we say with the other families. H tried to include himself and make conversation and people were polite but did not push conversation if that makes sense. We went to breakfast after the game. H followed us ... I was surprised. We had said bye at the game and there was no mention of him asking to come. I had a good time at breakfast. We sat across from each other and I didn't make conversation with him or try to directly talk to him we just had a general conversation about funny memories and the baby made us laugh because he was in such a good mood. We then we to a big surf shop that's well known and did some shopping. H followed us there as well. He just participates as if nothing is wrong. After the second soccer game I loaded the kids up and he said goodbye. S6 asked if H was coming to the hotel and in front of H I said no buddy we have stuff to do you will see him tomorrow. He told S6 he had to go take care of the dogs. My parents and the boys and I met a few of my friends at a local bar/restaurant on the water and had some drinks then went to the hotel to let the kids swim (it had a big water park with slides and a tiki bar haha) we stayed at the pool til probably 9 or so. H text me quite a few times about the kids if they were having fun, when he could call etc. I just replied warmly that we were all having a great time and thanks for asking! I also reminded him after he sent a few texts wanting to know when they would be available to call him that he could message or face time them directly. He said no he wanted to talk to them on my phone. So I had them call, S9 didn't want to talk to him but I told him he needed to (H heard me tell him that) so he said hi bye and gave me the phone and I hung up. I don't talk to him on the phone when he talks to the kids. I don't feel I need to unless he asks to if he has a question aboutnthe kids.

My dad was home that night at our house with H. I guess H asked him to go to dinner, twice. My dad declined.

Sunday was a repeat. Two games with a bjg gap in between. We had plans with another family from the team to get brunch by the pool and let the kids swim (we had a 5 hour break in between the final match) so H asked me in front of the boys if he was allowed to come hang out with us at the pool. I was aggravated that he did it in front of the kids so I said 'whatever you want to do H'.

My friends husband says my H is a psychopath. He does not understand how he acts and why he continues to want to do these things. What frustrates me is H doesn't acknowledge me ever. No hello goodbye goodnight NOTHING but yet I'm supposed to accommodate him. My friends and family said what I did was the right thing for the kids this weekend. So I just have to be content with that. But his life needs to change. He needs to see reality. This isn't. It

After w elect the game on Sunday he came over and asked if we were going out to eat on the way home. I said I wasn't sure but we would probably stop with our friends somewhere. He said ok and told the boys he was going to head home first to let the dogs out. I Asked him to go grocery shopping for the week.

Came home he put away groceries, packed lunches, and did homework. FIRST TIME he has EVER done any of those things. I thanked him.

I'm struggling with anger. Why couldn't he do those things when we were together. I mean why couldn't he help me out when I was 9 months pregnant doing even a fraction of what he did Sunday. Oh ya because I made him miserable and I made him be a bad father and now that divorce has been filed he's not miserable and can be a good dad. That's right

He did a few more things Sunday night. He heard me saying a light was out in the bedroom. I came back in from doing laundry to find he fixed the light. He then came in my room to ask a question and took my dinner plate and asked if I needed anything. I thanked him for fixing the light and that was it.

We didn't have much interaction yesterday. Besides him telling me something about the boys school project. He doesn't say goodnight to me still or do anything of that nature.

I don't know. I'm just who knows. My dad has said all weekend he has seen a shift in him the last couple weeks but especially the last 5 days. He said he is really trying to engage in conversation with my dad. He also said e can't get rid of him lol. Before he wouldn't come home til 9pm or later. Now he's home at 6 and home or around us all weekend. All of us are confused. He leaves for the week for his trip up north with his multiple OW on Wednesday. I can't wait to have the house without him there. It will be hard for me knowing what he's doing up there and that he's staying with OW for the week but I'll get through it.

I'm going to have a conversation with him maybe tonight depending on his mood. Very short and sweet. That this is our family/marital home and he can do as he pleases somewhere else. It's not working for me him continuing to be here. Illthank for all the changes he's made and the help he's given (blah blah) but that it's time he goes.
Posted By: woundedfool

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/22/17 03:19 AM

Thanks for the update! Sounds like a good weekend.

Originally Posted By: T384
Side note : my parents do not engage with H anymore. They will respond if he talks to them but they do not make conversation and we say with the other families.


You didn't ask... Nor is necessarily your responsibility. But since you do know this about your parents, you may want to have a talk with them:

I can understand (and appreciate) their loyalty to you, but their stopping engagement with H is not really a good thing. They do not need to be his best friend, call him for plans every Wednesday night, or go fishing every weekend.

IMhO, they should still continue open and reasonable lines of communication with him. Including being the ones to engage him first. God willing they will be interacting with him for the next 17+ years, and if H needs an emergency sitter in 3 years on his custody weekend, its better for him to have your parents as a "neutral ally" then leaving kids with a potential unknown "significant other".
Posted By: T384

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/22/17 03:31 AM

My parents are friendly...

I guess it's easier to read here than to see it in real life. H has beeen a real POS... my parents see how he treats me and how he has treated the boys up until the last week or so. Hell, our friends on the soccer team sees how he had treated me. When I was pregnant not helping carry anything but so busy talking with others. He's made his own picture. I have told others not to fight my battles. I know it's uncomfortable for everyone.

They are friendly. They say hello. But they do not push conversation. They do not start conversation. They will respond or engage if H starts it but that's it. It's not like we're sitting at breakfast with our backs turned to H ignoring him lol

I hope that clarifies a little bit more of what it looks like.

As far as a legal standpoint - we are asking for right of first refusal meaning H cannot have someone else watch the boys on his time. They would come directly to me.
Posted By: OwnIt

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/22/17 04:13 AM

T, why is he still in the house and coming and going? Seems like his trip with OW will be a great time to change the locks and ensure that he does not come back.

I still hear that hope in your writing when you describe that change in his behavior. Try to ignore the micro-analysis and move forward with the big picture.
Posted By: Treasur

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/22/17 05:01 AM

More of this, T. You are doing really well. The big point you said that struck me was about reality now and that This Isn't It. Hold to that, girl. You are doing so well and your H is just going to have to start seeing that he has made his bed now...
Posted By: woundedfool

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/22/17 08:15 AM

Originally Posted By: T384
H has beeen a real POS

No disagreement there wink

Quote:
They are friendly. They say hello. But they do not push conversation. They do not start conversation. They will respond or engage if H starts it but that's it.

Much like the DB mantra... let your parents think of him as a friendly neighbor.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/22/17 02:16 PM

(((T3)))

let your parents be as they wish. Short of cussing him out or punching him, there's no need to micromanage their r's.

Of course they feel differently now -he's the man who broke their daughter's heart, twice. (They'd be as crazy as he is if they pretended all is well.)

As for his gestures of help, yay. "Better late than never" could be your internal mantra.
No one who knows the situation is going to shake their heads at you for "just divorcing him for no reason"...

and those who don't know don't matter. I struggle with this b/c my FIL and his wife have not reached out to me. That hurts, tbh.

You have a lot of good friends and close family. (Me too and heck, I don't need them all!) Plus, we have no control over this anyway.

I spent a lot of time thinking maybe I could reach out to them with just the right words said in the correct order and then -then--then they'd see me as valuable and then....then what?? Choose me?? His family won't choose me over him, pretty much no matter what.
So there's no point in going there.

Your MIL is a weak frightened woman. I actually pity her. She reminds me of my late MIL. A gentle but emotionally fragile woman who'd never stand up to h. She spoiled h and in hindsight, I guess that was a problem. Anyhow, enough said.

Your kids love you. Which makes sense!

You are doing great personal work. You may not know it b/c you are mired in the minutiae, but it's real growth.

You are a strong beautiful smart woman with a lot of love in your life.

I can't wait to see what you create in your new life!

((( )))
Posted By: sandi2

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/23/17 07:08 AM

Quote:
I'm going to have a conversation with him maybe tonight depending on his mood. Very short and sweet. That this is our family/marital home and he can do as he pleases somewhere else. It's not working for me him continuing to be here. Illthank for all the changes he's made and the help he's given (blah blah) but that it's time he goes.


I don't think I'd mention thanking him for his changes confused, nor his help. He has had an ulterior motive all the way through. If he could, he would use your own words to show what a great guy he's been.
Posted By: T384

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/23/17 07:38 AM

I had the conversation last night. I think it was a double edged sword for me bringing me peace but also pulling me back quite a bit.

I kept it under 10 minutes and he didn't say much at all except he was unhappy he couldn't live in an unhappy marriage, he never said there's nobody else - just that he comes home and goes to work and he doesn't know what I think he's up to. He said he's only worried about the boys , that he told his lawyer he wants things to be peaceful and civil. That he's going to PA today to spend time with his family and get a break from life and that he's been so miserable he needs time to be happy. Etc etc.

My conversation was I appreciate your help the last couple days but this isn't working for me. You need to do what you've said you wanted for months and to go. If you want to have your flings, inappropriate relatisnhisn with other women and just generally do whatever then do what you want but not in our family home. I said we have 3 boys that I'm here to pick up the pieces while you come and go as you please. It's not right and they are watching. I refuse to let them think this is how you treat a wife, your family or even just a human being.

Mostly he just said ok ok ok

When he said he only goes to work. I said like thennigjt you went to this females house. He denied it and I just laughed and moved on. Then he got paranoid and goes I know you have my phone tapped, I know you have a tracker on my phone, I know you can read all my messages like you did last time. I said that's what s sad is there's a last time and you're still doing this. Don't forget because of last time I know what you are and what you're capable of. I said I don't need to look into anything anymore because my brain can't handle knowing more than I already know.

He said well we have a lot to figure out and talk about. I said no, here's not a we anymore. You have a lot to figure out, these are your decisions and choices you need to figure it out. He said he told his attorney he wants it to be peacefully and civil and not screw me over. I said well I guess you've done that enough already but it's not rainbows and sunshine. There's a V in between our name for a reason and I am letting my attorney handle everything so I will be taking her lead. I mean paying her to protect the boys and I best interest.

He said again he couldn't live unhappy. I said nobody asked you to live unhappy. This is a pattern you've created and until you can be happy with what's in front of you this will be your life. I said just like your ex warned me. It's the same crap. Same as last time too. It will continue until you realize that you have to be happy with yourself and not finding material things or women to give you external happiness. I said but I'm not getting into that. I don't care about anything then you doing what you've said you wanted which is to go out of the house.

He said okay I will but it will take a few weeks I need to start saving. I said well maybe you should have been saving instead of buying diamond earrings or a lift kit, plane tickets, concert tickets. He goes well I bought the earrings to pawn for my attorney. I laughed again.

I didn't give him details on the women I know up there or the boss daughter. I only let him know truth when it was relevant like when he said he had no money is the earrings. I want him to wonder what all I know. And hearing him over and over say he knows I can read his messages shows me how paranoid he really is.

I ended the conversation saying that the kids and I deserve so much more. That marriages take work and to leave someone a second time while pregnant/with a newborn is so sad. That I deserve so much better and our boys deserve better. That I hope he finds the happiness he's searching for. I then told him I had made him dinner it was in the oven wth a smile I told him to have a safe flight walked to my room and shut the door.

Don't expect to talk to him at all. Planning on changing the front door lock while he's gone he got our oldest a phone without telling me (we had recently agreed no phone until middle school) but this will be good because he can talk to them without calling me.

He wrote our son a long text after our conversation last night that said we both love him he knows things aren't great right now and life throws us curve balls but that we both love him and we're both so proud of him.

Anyway. That was that. Hopefully he will go now that he has heard me sternly say he isn't wanted here. Time for reality for him.
Posted By: Henwen

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/23/17 08:14 AM

I have been following your sitch since the beginning. And I'm sorry this hasn't worked out for you. But you are such a shining example of what needs to be done in times like these. You are very strong and You are so right. You and the boys deserve the absolute best. Love and light to you.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/23/17 10:06 AM

Dear T3

if it makes you feel better to have debated his marriage failures again, then so be it.
You do realize this discussion is not new, right? I mean he's heard all this before (to the extent he hears any of it and isn't just tuning out)..

Maybe you can eliminate these or reduce them to one Minute talking points (literally) and stay on message,

or better yet, just not even go there at all.

So back to YOU and your path.

((( )))
Posted By: sandi2

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/23/17 01:45 PM

I liked it. If it had been me, there is one word I would have probably changed.

Quote:
That marriages take work and to leave someone a second time while pregnant/with a newborn is so sad sh'tty.


Okay, now that that's out of the way............what's next on the agenda? Is he going to stop coming and going, like you've so politely told him you don't want him there?

Oh, and I've learned something new. You can purchase diamond earrings so you can pawn them in order to pay your lawyer. Ingenious! smirk
Posted By: OwnIt

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/23/17 02:04 PM

Well I must say as a lawyer I'm disappointed that I've only been paid by cash, check and credit card. What a huge disappointment.

I'm starting to smell narcissist here. Sorry, I guess I see them everywhere. Run, don't walk to the nearest exit.

You are doing great.
Posted By: T384

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/24/17 02:03 AM

Thanks all,

Glad you liked what I said Sandi wink

Next is we go to court for an emergency hearing for temporary support and custody. I'm not sure if H lawyer mentioned this because when we talked the only thing he said was 'I told my lawyer to keep it peaceful and civil' so I don't know that he's aware we will be going in front of a judge in a couple of weeks.

I'm not sure what HE is going to do next. We ended the conversation where he said he needed a few weeks to move out. He needed to save up. I wanted to tell him to go back to his boss house but I decided not to tell him what to do or where to go just that he needed to go (anywhere but here).

He's nuts. Pawning the earrings... I can't. I laughed when he told
Me that. I was a lot nicer and matter of fact during the conversation than I thought I could be.

he won't be back until late Monday night. I'm pretty sure I'm going to change the locks. I just want to call my lawyer and make sure if I change the locks and let's say he calls the police that it's considered civil and they won't do anything.

I'm not sure what to do on that end. The way he talked the other night convinced me he had previously not had an intention of moving out because he said he would have to start saving and that we had a lot of bills to worry about with having two households. I think I wrote that already. But my reply was it's not WE ... you have to figure it out. This is all what you wanted so you need to make it happen.
Posted By: T384

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/26/17 03:33 AM

Well I got my proof.

Got pictures of H at the concert and pictures of him and one of the OW kissing at the concert and she's wearing some sparkly diamond earrings.

I just packed all his [censored] and changed the front door locks. I'm going to leave all his stuff in the truck at the airport where he's parked. Welcome back buddy!
Posted By: sandi2

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/26/17 04:40 AM

Way to go! whistle

Did you stick the picture on top with a big red bow.........as a going away gift?
Posted By: T384

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/26/17 04:58 AM

Lol should I? I thought about taping it to the steering wheel with a note that says don't come home
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/26/17 05:40 AM

First off, I am sorry you had to see those pictures. Even when we know it is happening, the hard evidence is still tough to handle.

Funny story? Well, at least funny now. Thenight my ex dropped the bomb, I left the house with my 6 month old daughter to go live with my dad and stepmom. I lived there for 2 and a half months, but my job was still in another state, so we agreed in between 2 night shifts, I would sleep at the house and he would go to his sisters. One day I saw a fed ex envelope with our tax stuff in it, so I took it out and out fell a card. One that played the song "Let's get it on" and had written in "love "H". This is how I discovered the affair. A few months prior for V-day I had gotten ex a card that played our wedding song. I left both of them on the kitchen counter. Oh and I promptly changed "H" to "WHORE" in the card. Did he try to deny it? Of course. this was 5 weeks after the bomb and he tells me "did you expectme not to date?" and I said, "In LOVE in 5 weeks?" he said "oh, yeah, well, she's going a little over board."

I can laugh at this story now. And he is married to "H" for 6 years now.

I absolutely say you tape it to the steering wheel and say "don't come home".

My ex's story was just aas crazy as buying diamond earings to pawn. Because we all know pawning gets you about the 3rd of the original value.

I am proud of you. I know how difficult this is, I have been there. I know you are probably sick of hearing you deserve so much better, but oh man do you. And he deserves exactly what he is going to get.
Posted By: Treasur

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/26/17 06:17 AM

Sorry, T, but you now know (and can prove) that he is a liar about both OW and the earrings. No need to snoop more - that's enough. If his lips are moving right now etc.

And please remember two things:
- your H is a cowardly idiot
- you are a queen and way too good for the man he is now

Are you in a no-fault state for D?
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/27/17 04:12 AM

[quote=T384]Well I got my proof.

Got pictures of H at the concert and pictures of him and one of the OW kissing at the concert and she's wearing some sparkly diamond earrings.

cry ouch...where were these pictures? My h posted on HIS fb page about the "love of his life" OW, maybe 2 months or less, after we separated. He changed the date of when they met to the day after I filed for divorce...(which now makes me shrug & laugh).

However, if you can step back for just a minute and see how poorly those pictures show your h to be, you can detach a little faster.

I'm not just trying to console you. I say from experience that my h embarrassed himself and my kids will never see their dad in the same light and our mutual friends, from what I can tell, don't either. Several of them messaged me in private, including his 2 bffs and their wives - and the 2 bff's are not in contact with each other -one was his college roomate and the other was his classmate. So that's 2 unrelated people who love H, who reached out to me. I believe a lot of others felt similarly but don't know me well enough to reach out. Which is fine.

T3, take 2 minutes and do an exercise to see my point.

1) Imagine YOU meet a great guy tomorrow morning. We'll say he moves next door to you. Let's say he's attractive and warm and gainfully employed!! (We have standards for God's sake!)

He looks great and is warm and friendly. So Imagine how slowly YOU would take the r.

2) Imagine the time it would take for you to discover he's got a lot of desirable behaviors and the more you get to know him, the more certain you are that he's a great match for you and a good role model for your sons.

3) so, ask yourself How soon would YOU post photos of the two of you kissing? How soon would the new great guy? Several months or a year or two?? (I probably would not dare post any or be tagged for a long long time. And I've been sep now for 9-10 months. IF I met Mr.RIght tomorrow, I would not post a single picture of my "new r" until well after the divorce was finalized...

And ^^^ THAT is my point. I'm not a teenager loudly announcing to the world that I have a new boyfriend!! Christ, d20 told me SHE would not do that!

So, objectively speaking, Your h is behaving like a fool.

As my late French mother would say, (swats air and gesticulates) "well HE'S a jerk from jerk town! Au revoir!"
Posted By: T384

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/27/17 11:15 AM

Hi all,

Well I did it. I stuffed his truck full of 6 huge black heavy duty garbage bags of all his stuff every single thing - clothing, shoes, mail, magazines, drink cups, you name it it was in there. The only things left here is all his crap in the garage.

I packed it all in the truck and put the heaviest bag in the driver seat because the passenger side was up against a wall so just to make it difficult for him. I found a 'best dad ever' frame he or someone must have gotten him. I took the picture of the kids out and put the picture of him and OW making out. I placed he frame standing up on the dash of his truck. You can see it from a mile away. Pretty sure he's gonna sh!t himself. Locks are changed .... here we go

Oh and ginger - your H sounds like a real winner. Gag me!
Posted By: OwnIt

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/27/17 12:53 PM

Wow T, way to go. Get ready for the lies about how it was nothing (or didn't start until he "moved out") and you are so awful and this is why he had to do what he had to do.

Then let go of all that and live your life. Remember living well being the best revenge? Your life sounds amazing with all the activity and the people in it. Savor every drop.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/27/17 12:59 PM

Ah well....they say the line between tragedy and comedy is a blurry one.

I'm just so glad you were able to help him pack...you're nice!

cool
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/27/17 02:51 PM

I know what you had to do sUcked, but I think you really needed to do it just as you did. Genius with the frame, btw.


Originally Posted By: OwnIt
Wow T, way to go. Get ready for the lies about how it was nothing (or didn't start until he "moved out") and you are so awful and this is why he had to do what he had to do.

Then let go of all that and live your life. Remember living well being the best revenge? Your life sounds amazing with all the activity and the people in it. Savor every drop.


Own it is right about the stories he is going to make up. How he is going to make an excuse or downplay it. My winner of an exH was caught by the card, and said she was just someone he was dating, (ya know, a few weeks after he left me, in his head, there is nothing wrong with that) A few months later I found out he was making out with a woman in the bathroom at his work Christmas party (when D was 3 months old and we were together" The first year on the job he told me the wives are invited by no one brings them but he was proud of his wife and wanted me to come. The next year all of a sudden it was "oh, I don't want you to come, I got made fun of for bringing you (not true). OW was there. Anyways, he told me "they just happened to be under mistletoe, the person saw it wrong". BTW, my dad and him worked for a few months as court officers in the same court house before my dad retired. He had vey reliable sources.

I actually did not find out the cheating began in my pregnancy until we were already divorced and he was engaged. Dumbass left his email open on my computer and there was pictures of them from when I was in my third trimester.

Moral of the story? They will only admit to the level of what you know. They will never give you more until they have to because they were caught.

But like ownit said, it doesn't matter, you got what you need, and now your path is forward continuing to be a kickass woman and mom.

You can wake up every morning and look at yourself in the mirror. Take pride in that.
Posted By: leahsue

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/28/17 01:31 AM

Way to go, T!!!!!! SO VERY PROUD OF YOU. Sometimes we just have to arrive at our limit, and you finally reached yours! It may be tough going for the next few weeks as you get pushback from him, but I don't think there's a person on here who thinks you did the wrong thing. You are awesome, brave, and have stood up for you and your boys. Much better days are down the road for you.
Posted By: Henwen

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/28/17 01:49 AM

Sorry it ended. But it looks like you had the final say. Good for you. You reached you limit and let him know. He deserved what he got. I know things willl only be up for you as you go on with your life.
Posted By: woundedfool

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/28/17 02:00 AM

T0, I get it. I really really get it. But this is not you. frown

Originally Posted By: T384
so just to make it difficult for him.


T0, as I said. I get it. I will not be a defender of your H, hes done some very indefensible things (things that just boggle the mind), and the guy deserves to get a D, and live in a s#!tty one bedroom studio walk-up living over a smoker and next to an aspiring heavy metal drummer.

But (and I say this will all sorts of love and respect):

DON'T/STOP doing things that make him be able to blame you for his s#!tty life!

By no means am I suggesting you be a doormat, but don't stick a finger in his eye just for the millisecond of self satisfaction. Those kinds of behaviors create long, drawn out expensive divorces that only succeed in making the attorneys rich.

There is not a single thing that has changed that should take you off DB'ing your H (and again, I am not suggesting you forgive and forget, beg him to stay, work toward reconciliation, etc.).

Your path should continue to be about making a better YOU!

Originally Posted By: T384
Got pictures of H at the concert and pictures of him and one of the OW kissing at the concert and she's wearing some sparkly diamond earrings.

Originally Posted By: T384
I found a 'best dad ever' frame he or someone must have gotten him. I took the picture of the kids out and put the picture of him and OW making out. I placed he frame standing up on the dash of his truck. You can see it from a mile away. Pretty sure he's gonna sh!t himself.


Feel better? I say that because of the ounce of satisfaction you have from this, could have been a potential 25lbs to surprise him with during a mediation/hearing or formal custody hearing.

Now he has all sorts of time to "get his story straight".

The last thing I will point out is Newtons Third Law:

"for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction"

Remember, for the most part, you will be seeing him for at least the next 18 years, and potentially having to sit next to him at 3 weddings, 3 college graduations and limitless birthdays and funerals.

DO you want to sit next to the guy who thinks "man I f**ked up, she deserved better" or the guy who brings hoochie earrings girl, tells her to dress slutty because it pi$$e$ TO off?
Posted By: T384

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/28/17 02:34 AM

Hi all, thanks for the words of encouragement.

Wounded- I guess I kind of get where you're coming from. But me sticking up for myself and my boys --- this is WHO I AM. This is who I lost sight of. Who wouldn't put up with the blatant disrespect that he's doing. I am single handedly raising our boys for a SECOND time while he fucks around and then thinks he's gonna come home and act like nothing happened. UH not Today.

I gave H AMPLE opportunity Tuesday night. I told him he can do what he wants but not under this roof. So me doing this is enforcing what I told him Tuesday night. This is MY boundary. He could have very well walked in the door to nothing changed had he acted in a respectable manner that was right by the boys and I.

I will not tolerate this level of disrespect to my children and I. He's even lying to his own family who he was going to seee up there about where he was and who he was with. I am up getting barely any sleep with our new son while he's out fuckng around!!

Again, he can do WHATEVER he wants, but not here!

PS this was all approved by my personal coach - Train 😂
Posted By: Train

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/28/17 03:04 AM

... and Train's husband. grin

So proud of you.
Posted By: cadence

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/28/17 04:32 AM

Hey T. Just checkin' in on you.

Wow. The visual I have is such a "How Stella got her Groove Back" moment. At least you didn't set the truck on fire wink

(... like in the movie - I don't think you're a secret arsonist.)

I'm happy you feel good about what you did and it helped you remember who you are. Years down the road, this will be one of those stories you can tell and laugh. Heck, you can probably do that now.

Do you know what day he gets back? Will you have company at home with you in case he shows up hooting and hollering?
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/28/17 04:52 AM

I had mixed feelings about it, but - not once did I think your h did not deserve this. God no. (And I did snort when I read it and might have whispered a quiet "Bravo!")

Anyhow, I'd be shocked if this well deserved metaphorical slap comes up in any court hearing, and if it did, imo it would not reflect poorly on her.

And it won't come up in mediation as it is not the job of a mediator to determine fault, just divide assets.

I'm usually all about not fueling the WASs rage/negative images of the LBS that are used to justify affairs or leaving. I'm very pro reconciliation when it's right. So I get wounded's point.

In THIS situation, however, T's h has already effectively left, announced to her that he is "DONE" ( about 4067 times) and he is actively AND Publicly pursuing other women, ( cry)


That is some serious boundary crossing and it's so IN her face, I feel as if it's too much to ask of anyone to turn the other cheek, again.

T's H wants to have AND eat huge slices of cake, (which is not helping him as a man, in the long term). Some of his boldest cake eating is when he thinks he is still "friends" with T's family (??)

H tells people HE "tried to work it out, but T is so - um, so um, uh, -sooooo untrusting!(??)

"AND she's suspicious - For NO REASON!!"

(If a stranger told me their clothes and crap was found in their car, along with a photo of them and AP attached, it would not even cross my mind that the LBS had behaved inappropriately. I would know immediately that the WAS deserved it -and this is so obvious to me, that I doubt her H will rage about it. At least not accurately)

He may lie or rage but that's on him.

Here are my person favorite suggestions for T's hubby's script (i.e. what he might say, which are all predictable and cliched):


"Me w/ OW?? NO I didn't. You're so paranoid/ it was an accident/ happened AFTER I said I wasn't happy/ didn't mean anything/ Stop distrusting me/ YOU MADE ME!"


his impression management as "Dad of the Year" at soccer -all while ignoring the same kids at home - letting T wake up 4 times a night AND work AND study AND raise the boys solo, again...while he goes out to, you know, FIND HIS happiness...and blame her for not making that happen...

This man is not concerned about doing the right thing; he's concerned about looking as if he is doing the right thing.

all in all, I thnk T has been remarkably restrained.

Remember, her stated goal now is Not saving the m - it's about saving her boys and herself.


((( )))
Posted By: OwnIt

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/28/17 03:10 PM

woundedfool, I just want to say thank you for reminding all of us of the wisdom of your words. While I don't think T should do this every time, in the face of all the lies to everyone about there being no one else and he was just an unhappy slob, this time I think was justified. He is playing superdad while failing to live up to his most important obligation to his children--honoring their mother and making a stable home for them.

In all sincerity though, I greatly respect and admire your reminder to turn the other cheek, to be the better person, and to live in dignity (and away from expensive litigation, which I also advocate and practice). My outrage at my H has been in postings here, in my head, and only very rarely in words to him and him alone and in private. My dignity is important to me.

Glad you took your balls back T, but do keep wounded's words close to you as you move forward.
Posted By: JujuB

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/28/17 03:56 PM

Originally Posted By: T384
Hi all,

Well I did it. I stuffed his truck full of 6 huge black heavy duty garbage bags of all his stuff every single thing - clothing, shoes, mail, magazines, drink cups, you name it it was in there. The only things left here is all his crap in the garage.

I packed it all in the truck and put the heaviest bag in the driver seat because the passenger side was up against a wall so just to make it difficult for him. I found a 'best dad ever' frame he or someone must have gotten him. I took the picture of the kids out and put the picture of him and OW making out. I placed he frame standing up on the dash of his truck. You can see it from a mile away. Pretty sure he's gonna sh!t himself. Locks are changed .... here we go

Oh and ginger - your H sounds like a real winner. Gag me!



This is the best post i have ever read on these forums.
Posted By: sandi2

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/29/17 10:16 AM

whistle whistle whistle
Posted By: Tread

Re: Attaining MEH - 08/29/17 03:57 PM

Sounds like something I'm seriously considering at this point. I'm pretty sure this goes against DB'ing. But I fell out of my chair laughing. Especially with the father of the year frame. I can definitely understand the dignity part. We take all these steps to better ourselves, but yet we are being disrespected daily by our WS. And without your dignity all the GAL and 180s mean nothing. Pretty sure your H is thinking of excuses as I type this. Just like my W is probably trying think of something to justify her A, if I chose to talk. If you had to do it over again. Would you?
Posted By: woundedfool

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/01/17 01:17 AM

T0, how you holding up?
Posted By: leahsue

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/01/17 04:09 AM

I'm wondering the same thing! Let us hear from you,
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/02/17 01:38 AM

T,

WTH? Why you no say nothing?

cool
Posted By: T384

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/02/17 03:12 PM

Hi all,

Sorry I've been MIA it's been a busy, hectic week. So H got home Monday night. He had sent a text Monday afternoon that his plane was coming in late and he was going to stay at his boss's so that he didn't wake everyone up. Aw he's so thoughtful. At the advice of my friend, I blocked his number for the evening (I didn't believe he would try to contact me but I didn't want to stress about it if he didn't, what that meant etc etc).

Anyway, Tuesday I sent a text along the lines of - in case it isn't clear, I know about your GF and I've know about everything all along. You cannot be trusted, you're disrespectful to the boys, our marriage, and our family. You have lied about why you went up north and lied about how you're
Spending our family money. You are no longer welcome in the home. I then told him he could work with me on visitation with the kids and offered him a schedule for the next two days.

He responded with he told me he was moving forward with his life, he's only worried about the kids, I need to respect the rest of his stuff at the house and everything else the attorneys can deal with. I chose not to respond to anything. He took the boys that night. Was late to pick them up and late to drop them off. Had the boys ask if I wanted him to grab me dinner on the way back. I declined and didn't say a word. Wednesday he took the boys to dinner, invited me, I again declined. I dropped the baby to him at the restaurant for an hour since he didn't have a car seat, I was dressed up, smiling, in a hurry and met my friend for a drink. I picked the kids up said goodnight and went about my business.

Thursday he made arrangement s to come to the house to get his stuff from the garage. I made plans for the boys and I to be gone and my dad be there. He showed up with his friend and a sheriff. He was supposed to be there only between 630-730 ( as agreed by our attorneys) he showed up at 8 and left at 930. My dad was stunned he brought a sheriff and H asked behind the cop are you sure there won't be a problem. My dad said he just was like uh no H no problem at all. After all H just had breakfast with my dad and all of us and spend the weekend at the soccer tournament. AND H also had plans to continue living here after his vacay with OW. The only reason he's not. In our home is because I kicked him out.

Anyway, after H got his stuff he called
My dad from the garage and asked to come in. He shook my dads hand and apologized that things had to end this way and turned out this way. My dad said he just shook his head and said me too H me too. He also said H you know what you did tonight was unnecessary. H said I just felt safer with a third party. My dad said H after 13 years, it was unnecessary. BTW H had no idea I wouldn't be here with the kids.

I called
My lawyer yesterday morning to let her know of this. She reached out to H attorney who apologized on behalf. Of H and said he advised H NOT to bring a sheriff but that he obviously doesn't listen.

Anyway the kicker is , H is moving. His attorney told mine we will be able to work this out probably without a mediator and just between our two attorneys. That 'H is in a hurry to finalize this divorce because he's moving up north and transferring to a office up north within his same company'. I was shocked, stunned you name it.

But like I said this is SUPPOSEDLY what he did with the girl he left for me. So I told my attorney I'm in no rush. I want the sky. I'm thinking he will give me what I want because he's in such a hurry to get out. He doesn't know I know about him moving there. I can't believe he would throw away the kids and I like that.

Anyway legal stuff is being worked out. He wants my truck back (the one he surprised me with for Christmas). I'm sure OW and her 3 kids will be driving it. His mother informed me they only saw him once for a couple hours. That he was driving a van with car seats (OWs) when she asked who's car it was he said a guy friend who owns a car shop who had leant it to him.

He's been texting and calling my oldest son a lot. Seems a lot of guilt based on his messages. My oldest responds sometimes but not often. I had to make him go with H Tuesday night. He cried. But I didn't want to start the first visit off with him thinking it's ok to not go spend time with his dad.

H and I don't communicate. I respond to maybe 10% of his texts. He doesn't text much. Maybe once a day if that.

I'm struggling a lot still. Some days are better than others. It's hard to do this alone. It saddens me that he can up and leave after spending one weekend with this girl. I just have to remember last time it fell apart and hopefully this time it will too. I really wish he didn't have to make these choices.

I've heard through the grapevine he's now telling people it's been over for a long time and we agreed he would stay in the home until the baby was born and I went back to work to afford an attorney.

It gets under my skin because it's not true. But then again nothing much he says is true.
Posted By: OwnIt

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/02/17 04:50 PM

T it is good to hear that you are doing ok. I promise the pain does go away and in time you will be able to focus and feel again. For a while it will be hard but it does get better. Perhaps if he does go the distance will do you some good. Remember that you don't know what the future holds. You have so many friends here and we all care about you and are proud of you for doing what had to be done. Sounds like there may have been some plans brewing for a while and your actions have allowed you to seize some control back for yourself. Take care, eat, and get sleep. Just take it hour by hour and day by day. Don't make any big plans right now. Just love those boys and lean on your friends and family.
Posted By: Treasur

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/02/17 05:49 PM

You did amazingly well, T, a DB Queen. He's a POS, a liar and a gameplayer. A sheriff really? Use your L and your lovely Dad to support you. He's not worth spit on your shoe right now.

I'm sorry. I know it hurts. It isn't you. It was never about you. His behaviour shows that. Talk to your L soon, if you haven't already, about protecting your kids and custody particularly if he's moving.

And the truck is joint marital assets at least so no he can't just take it. Arguably it was a gift if you can prove that with docs.
Posted By: leahsue

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/02/17 11:45 PM

T, thank GOODNESS you checked in! It sounds like you are doing all of the hard things, like a boss. Girl, you are so strong, you don't even realize your own strength. You hang in there. You got this.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/03/17 02:21 AM

T3,

1) bravo!

2) the stories WAS's give as explanation for why a m ends, are almost always one of 2 versions.

Either the LBS was so terrible, the WAS HAD to leave,

OR they've agreed to it mutually and are going their separate ways in a "conscious uncoupling",

(the 2nd version was my h's until I wanted spousal support. THEN the "home was toxic and he had to leave our kids and me for 3/4 of the last decade".)

3) Given the option of bad mouthing you or pretending this was a mutual thing, your h will pat himself on the back for choosing the "mutual decision". How honorable of him.

To be fair, it's better than the version in which you are an unbalanced shrew.


What is he going to say? "I'm selfish and dishonest. I only like part time fathering, and need total freedom like a single man"??

4) learn to let go of what he tells others. You never had and never will have control over that. People who know you or who matter, will know the truth.

This^^ is a biggie for me b/c I seem to have lost my FIL and his wife, whom I've had in my life longer than my own dad. But I'm not sure what they really believe or hope or think.

And it just cannot matter to me or it''ll be self inflicted pain.
Same goes for you, T3.

I admit this is a big challenge for me, but I'm working hard on it with my T.

Finally - keep your eye on the future path and not on the things you believe you lack or the past. Once you know what you'd do differently, let go of the past b/c the regrets are counter productive and unhealthy.

This is another challenge for ME, big time.

And I struggle with the injustice of this all.

I really really understand this^^^.

God forgive me but the thing that usually shakes me loose of this is the tragedies in my closest friend's circle. A cancer diagnosis, a lung transplant that is failing and my bff who lost her 22 y/o son last fall, to an undiagnosed cardiac defect.

What do I have to complain about? (I worry God will roll his eyes.)

Grand scheme of things, we are in a better place than most women on the planet, who don't know if their h's live or were caught in cross fire, or if their next child will be born healthy or in a hospital or whether the war in their nation will spread to their village, the place they live has no water or electricity

OR we could live in Houston and had no flood insurance.

It does not take much to see that we are doing alright...

and if that^^ does not help enough, we must get back to GAL. And relying on the loved ones around us. Who we are fortunate to have.

And we learn, in time, not to care about the fool we have for a co-parent,

but to pray that somehow our kids will still feel valued and loved, and we will do our best to ensure this.

That^^^ is something we can work on.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/03/17 02:23 AM

PS

Caroline Myss wrote this as a prayer:


"Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know, and Constant wondering is constant suffering."

Sometimes I say this every hour.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/07/17 08:50 AM

T3

where are you?

Hope all is well cool

((( )))
Posted By: cadence

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/07/17 10:45 PM

T's in FL. Has anyone heard from her? I imagine hurricane prep (and potentially evacuating) is keeping her really busy.

Thinking of you, T!
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/08/17 03:09 AM

good point Cadence, can't believe I forgot she was in Florida.

T3, should we look for you on tv?

If it comes down to it, maybe you can make a raft with the crap your h left in the garage.

BE SAFE and if there are News Cameras around, make a big sign

and write "T3 is Fine! She is going to MEH!"

cool

seriously, I hope you're well & safe
Posted By: dale165

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/09/17 02:18 AM

Pretty sure you said before you live on east coast of FL. Have a memory like an elephant. This thing looks wild, hope you were able to flee north!
Posted By: T384

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/09/17 02:39 AM

Hi all,

Thanks for thinking of me smile

Great memory, Dale

I'm on the beach on the east coast. I left with the boys Thursday. What a nightmare 95 was and the normal 8 hour trip to NC took 13 hours!

The boys were great and so helpful with the baby! My dad stayed at our house, we have storm shutters, generator, etc. luckily it's moving west which is good for us bad for others but we are still going to get the top corner of it which I guess it's pretty bad. We lose power so easily and probably will be without power for at least a week frown

Hoping those of you in Irma's path stay safe!!
Posted By: dale165

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/09/17 03:19 AM

Awesome good to hear you fled. Might as well stay there for as long as you can. Think they got another right behind it. The joys of living on the gulf/Atlantic!
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/10/17 02:08 PM

Hi T3

well, I guess some people will do anything to find a distraction to help with detachment...

((( )))
Posted By: T384

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/12/17 02:03 AM

Hi all, guess I should update a bit. I'll try to keep it brief.

We are still in NC and still without power at home. Our neighborhood, historically, is always the last to get power and in talking with the utilities company this morning we're looking at at least a week frown I work Friday so we will be having to come home soon to deal with it.

On the H front, he is back in PA with OW. He didn't tell me about this, he had been texting me and I sent a message that I wouldn't be responding while he was with her. And now for the drum roll ... he's moving there. My attorney told me a couple weeks ago and I'm still processing it. Anyway, long story short he's wanting to get the D over with ASAP because he's moving there. He's already working in one of his work locations up there that he will transfer to.

I would like to say I'm shocked? Those of you who followed my story last time know how nuts he was. He didn't move last time because his OW lived here but I wouldn't have put that past him if she didn't. He's contesting the divorce (duh) but did agree for me to be the primary custodian of the boys. WHEW that's s weight lifted. Basically he will still have time sharing but all decision making will be mine ON MY OWN. I won't have to ask permission to do ANYTHING. we can move, we can travel, we can do whatever we want without him holding us under his finger! If there's one good bit of news I got it was that! He did decline/refute to pay child support saying I have the means to support the children. He declined basically everything else, me having the house, property, helping with medical insurance for the kids, and of course alimony. Thing is ... he's in a rush to leave and I'm in no hurry to get this divorce done so time is on my side as far as fighting for what the boys and I deserve.

On a happy note... for those of you that love Train- she is sweeter and more awesome in person! I am seriously so thankful for her and all of you by she has been my one on one Dr. Phil smile her family is pretty awesome too, even her husband:)
Posted By: cadence

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/12/17 02:31 AM

T! Glad to hear you're safe and sound.

Quote:
but did agree for me to be the primary custodian of the boys. WHEW that's s weight lifted. Basically he will still have time sharing but all decision making will be mine ON MY OWN. I won't have to ask permission to do ANYTHING. we can move, we can travel, we can do whatever we want without him holding us under his finger! If there's one good bit of news I got it was that!


Yes! Get that in writing and signed ASAP.

Quote:
He did decline/refute to pay child support saying I have the means to support the children.


Yeahhhhh, that's not how that works. It's not based on opinion, and you don't get to opt out of paying for your kids, especially if he's moving and you're the primary caretaker. But don't break that to him until you've got his agreement on granting custody to you. Actually, don't break it to him at all. Let the realization slowly dawn on him.

Quote:
Thing is ... he's in a rush to leave and I'm in no hurry to get this divorce done so time is on my side as far as fighting for what the boys and I deserve.


Be careful, though. He seems to have some magical thinking about how this will go, and time will challenge that magical thinking. Once he starts getting doses of reality ("What do you mean I can't just say 'I'd rather not pay child support'?"), he may back out of granting you custody.

Quote:
On a happy note... for those of you that love Train- she is sweeter and more awesome in person! I am seriously so thankful for her and all of you by she has been my one on one Dr. Phil smile her family is pretty awesome too, even her husband:)


Glad you got to meet her smile
Posted By: AnotherStander

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/12/17 08:25 AM

Originally Posted By: T384
He did decline/refute to pay child support saying I have the means to support the children. He declined basically everything else, me having the house, property, helping with medical insurance for the kids, and of course alimony. Thing is ... he's in a rush to leave and I'm in no hurry to get this divorce done so time is on my side as far as fighting for what the boys and I deserve.


YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!!! I just hope I never come across your H and know who he is because I would be so tempted to put a fist backed by years of shared anger and frustration from this forum right through his face, LOL! Wow, words fail me. How could ANY man just walk away from his children and move to another state where he will see them rarely if ever? Refuse to contribute financially AT ALL to them? People like him to not deserve the honor of fatherhood in the first place. Do you have a lock of his hair you can send me? I'm going to look into how to make a voodoo doll mad
Posted By: SwHubby

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/12/17 09:49 AM

Agree!
Posted By: Henwen

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/12/17 01:09 PM

Second that agree. Wow T. So sorry. You are so better off without him. No man worth anything would do that to his kids and family.
Posted By: Maybell

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/13/17 12:19 AM

So, he wants to move to Pennsylvania with his new Schmoopie, he wants you to take the kids full time, and he doesn't want you to have the house, child support, health insurance, or any property.

WOW. That's b@llsy. I seriously wonder what his lawyer thought putting all that together. It looks like impression management is off the table.

Rake him over the coals, T, I'd love to see you send him to PA with the shirt on his back.

What a valuable human being he is. His mother must be so proud.
Posted By: T384

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/13/17 05:59 AM

AS - I literally Lol'd at the voodoo doll comment for quite some time yesterday so seriously thank you for that!!!!

His mom stands by him. He's her son.

There's nothing more I can do at this point then fight for what the kids and I deserve and regain some self respect for myself.

I'm so sick of him hearing that we need to be civil. I don't need a lecture on civility from him.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/13/17 10:08 AM

Originally Posted By: Maybell
So, he wants to move to Pennsylvania with his new Schmoopie, he wants you to take the kids full time, and he doesn't want you to have the house, child support, health insurance, or any property.

WOW. That's b@llsy. I seriously wonder what his lawyer thought putting all that together. It looks like impression management is off the table.

Rake him over the coals, T, I'd love to see you send him to PA with the shirt on his back.

What a valuable human being he is. His mother must be so proud.



THIS ^^^ Maybell, great analysis.

Um, T3, a rare event is occurring. I AM SPEECHLESS.

write down the date...
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/19/17 08:01 AM

T3,

are you okay? Let us know.
Posted By: sandi2

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/19/17 10:57 AM

Quote:
And now for the drum roll ... he's moving there. My attorney told me a couple weeks ago and I'm still processing it. Anyway, long story short he's wanting to get the D over with ASAP because he's moving there. He's already working in one of his work locations up there that he will transfer to.


Lifelong patterns are hard to break.

Quote:
On a happy note... for those of you that love Train- she is sweeter and more awesome in person! I am seriously so thankful for her and all of you by she has been my one on one Dr. Phil her family is pretty awesome too, even her husband:)


I knew I liked that gal, and you too! Both of you are amazing.
Posted By: T384

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/19/17 01:47 PM

Hi all,

Struggling due to legal things and feeling frustrated with my attorney but doing okay. No closer to temp support like she promised within 30 days of filing (my court date is for November so essentially 90 days). H didn't agree to the emergency stip (shocker).

Sandi- we totally talked about you and how we definitely need to meet you no discussions lol! .
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/19/17 04:30 PM

T3

fwiw, my attorney's said the "usual" temporary support hearing is 3-4 months BUT b/c I had medical issues, they thought it could be faster,

Filed mid October, the hearing was the END of January...so 3.5 months. Not faster.

If I had it all to do over again, I would probably interview more attorneys (I met 3)

but then again, I would not have gotten sick either.

H reached out to my brother (an attorney) last week. Seems he's as tired of the legal costs as I am, or more so.

One the problem h will have (that I won't) is his being in contempt of court. (times 3 by my count)

Which supposedly means he will pay all our legal fees, which would be something...


UGH, as a L myself, I can see so much more clearly why people get frustrated with this - so much so that they give up. I'm pretty amazed at what I'm learning.


Even so, I hope you will not give up- and here is why...because

This is the most important financial transaction of your life. Please remember to treat it as such, even when it gets really challenging.

FWIW Chances are that your h won't enjoy it much either.

((( )))
Posted By: BluWave

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/20/17 02:52 AM

T,

I hope you and the kiddos are home safe now! I am shocked (but then not really) at your H and his egregious behavior! It's so far out there it's almost laughable, but I think "pitiful" is a more suitable description of him.

So he is basically running from his entire life and wants to start over with some OW far away? He is giving up spending time with the most important thing (his R with his 3 sons) for some floozy? And this is a repeat offense? This speaks volumes about his character! I also think we all know how that's going to end. My hope for you is that in the mean time you can genuinely detach from him and the idea of even wanting him back. That way when he comes crawling back in a year or what have you, you can put your hand up and feel great about it!

It's mostly unfortunate for the boys that they will not have their dad around; young kids need frequency and consistency. The reality tho, is even if he has been around in the last while, he has not been present for them: he has been distracted and self centered. I am suggesting that the loss of him (and even for them) may not be as great as it seems. And the benefit to you--not having the stress of him coming/going--might be a huge relief in the coming months/year. You have wonderful support around you and you and the boys will be just fine!

Keep us posted :-)
Blu
Posted By: leahsue

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/20/17 03:20 AM

Sorry you're struggling T, but so glad you checked in. I get concerned when someone stops dropping by without notice. Take care of you! smile
Posted By: skyhigh

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/22/17 02:30 PM

T,

You have rights and your rights will be recognized in court, so it doesn't matter what he thinks or wants. He is in la la land/limerence or whatever it is. He left to go live in another state which is somehow going to help you to gain hopefully full custody of your sons.
May be he needs to go live his "dream life" to realize after a while what he lost, reality is going to hit him in a few weeks or months, by being away from you he won't be able to blame you anymore for whatever is going wrong in his life.

Take care of yourself, finish your studies and find peace.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Attaining MEH - 09/23/17 06:18 AM

T3

keep informed with your L, and keep your L informed. (My L told me last night that some of her clients cry and hang up on her b/c they don't want to deal with the reality of this horror.) You are not putting your head in the sand, however.

So if your h plans to move out of state, please make sure you know where ALL the money is (and where it has been the past year)

You don't want to deal with a year like my past one.

Cheers to us all having a better one cool

((( )))


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