Wayward Husband (WH) Need Advice

My husband and I have been having a rough go of things. I didn't fully realize it was going on until it was too late. I had become dependent and wasn't happy around him/paying attention to relationship. Things weren't getting better (in his head/thoughts) so I agreed to in-house seperation. I have done a great job of giving him space (he even indicated in his letter), but he left a letter last Friday, saying he felt trapped and was taking a vacation and would be back Saturday. He indicated previously, I love you but something is missing. I indicated previously I thought we should work on things if he was unhappy, but since we started seperation have not brought up at all. I am some what ticked because he didn't communicate his unhappiness until till late. I know he is concerned that my turn around isn't permanent because he said so. I am trying my best to exhibit behaviors I should have had before and I am pretty sure that is catching him off guard. He indicated he is really confused and thinks he may need to move out. We had agreed to do something together once a week and it's almost been two. Do I try to schedule something for when he supposedly comes back on Saturday (before he flies out on Sunday for work)? Or leave it alone? I have read all of the links that Cadet normally posts, I am just confused because I feel like husband is more confused with being given more space...

Originally Posted By: SH21

I have read all of the links that Cadet normally posts, I am just confused because I feel like husband is more confused with being given more space...

Welcome to the board.

Confusion is normal at the start and finish of a crisis.

Best to follow the direction in my normal welcome post.

Keep Posting

Any chance that 'I need space' is actually 'space to spend time with someone else'? Sorry to ask, but it's not uncommon.

I don't think so re spend time with someone else...Only if that someone else is work. He has been doing two jobs for quite some time which doesn't help the situation.

So based on advice, I think that I don't reach out to him to try to schedule dinner before he comes back? I just can't tell if my situation should be at full-blown LRT

Thoughts on Saturday and how do I know if this is the beginning or the end of the crisis?

Originally Posted By: SH21

how do I know if this is the beginning or the end of the crisis?

More than likely this is the beginning since you are just starting to post here.

This is a marathon not a sprint.

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

Originally Posted By: SH21

I am some what ticked because he didn't communicate his unhappiness until till late.

You said yourself "I had become dependent and wasn't happy around him/paying attention to relationship". Did you really need him to tell you he wasn't happy about that? First thing you need to do is quit blaming him, usually people find themselves here because BOTH spouses were on autopilot and not filling the needs of the other. Inevitably one is OK to keep muddling on in that unhappy situation, but the other isn't. The one that checks out isn't going to do any work to save the M, so the other (you) has to do 100% of the work if they want to save things.

Quote:

He indicated previously, I love you but something is missing.

Very common to hear that, we call it "ILYBINILWY" around here (I love you but I'm not in love with you).

Quote:

I know he is concerned that my turn around isn't permanent because he said so.

Yes that's typical as well, they think we do it as tricks to get them back. You have to be consistent over a long period of time before he'll believe you've really changed.

Quote:

We had agreed to do something together once a week and it's almost been two. Do I try to schedule something for when he supposedly comes back on Saturday

No. It's not helping and is probably hurting. Just back off and remove all pressure from him. Work on YOU and leave him to figure things out on his own.

Quote:

I am just confused because I feel like husband is more confused with being given more space...

He is, because he expects you to mope around, beg and plead for him to come back. So when you back off and leave him alone he wonders why. He will temperature check you now and then hoping he can keep you on as Plan B while he pursues his new life. DON'T FALL FOR IT. He needs to think he will lose you before he'll think about coming back, and to make him miss you you have to become the best "you" that you can be. Dress better, wear perfume, lose weight if you need to, join a club and get fit. He'll notice even though he'll pretend not to. Get out and GAL, that's the best thing you can do right now. Good luck!

Originally Posted By: SH21

My husband and I have been having a rough go of things. I didn't fully realize it was going on until it was too late. I had become dependent and wasn't happy around him/paying attention to relationship. Things weren't getting better (in his head/thoughts) so I agreed to in-house seperation. I have done a great job of giving him space (he even indicated in his letter), but he left a letter last Friday, saying he felt trapped and was taking a vacation and would be back Saturday. He indicated previously, I love you but something is missing. I indicated previously I thought we should work on things if he was unhappy, but since we started seperation have not brought up at all. I am some what ticked because he didn't communicate his unhappiness until till late. I know he is concerned that my turn around isn't permanent because he said so. I am trying my best to exhibit behaviors I should have had before and I am pretty sure that is catching him off guard. He indicated he is really confused and thinks he may need to move out. We had agreed to do something together once a week and it's almost been two. Do I try to schedule something for when he supposedly comes back on Saturday (before he flies out on Sunday for work)? Or leave it alone? I have read all of the links that Cadet normally posts, I am just confused because I feel like husband is more confused with being given more space...

Hello SH21,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

It sounds like your changes have been noticed, just difficult to believe at this point. These changes need to be made for you. They need to be long lasting and sincere. Prove that to yourself and anyone else through your actions, not your words.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

Thanks for the advice. My struggle over Saturday is he wrote in his letter before he left unexpectedly for the week, this has nothing to do what anything you have or haven't done, it is about me figuring things out. You have been more than flexible in trying to make our current situation work. Unfortunately, I feel like I am trapped and need some time to unwind and think.

Somewhere I saw posted this a cycle a spouse goes through while they are trying to decide to come back. Any ideas on threads where I can read more about this? Thanks!

Threads merged - stick to one thread until 100 posts

Originally Posted By: SH21

Somewhere I saw posted this a cycle a spouse goes through while they are trying to decide to come back. Any ideas on threads where I can read more about this? Thanks!

Have you read DR yet? That's a great place to start.

Yes, I have read DR, some sections multiple times. I don't remember this cycle being mentioned in the book.

I'm sensing (through the internet, I know...) you want to know what to do right now, and you're hoping to get an answer to speed up the process and hopefully not have to go through a 2-year ordeal. From what you've relayed, it looks similar to what we've been dealing with. And what we've been dealing with takes a long time.

To directly answer your question: keep giving him space; which means don't pressure him about the once a week activity. I know you guys agreed to it, but I'm guessing he doesn't want to do it and forcing him into it is just going to drive him away. At least he has noticed something and told you about it. My wife says nada. Keep it up, but I'd forget about the once a week activity.