Hi,
I am completely new to this forum and forums in general, but I just feel like I need some advice and support form others that might be experiencing something similar.
I have been with my husband for 7 years and married for 2 and a half. Living separately for 6 months.
My husband gave me the 'talk' in December saying 'i love you but I am not in love with you...' etc etc. Timing was awful as we had just exchanged on a house 5 days before and a month before that I had my second miscarriage, I was not expecting it as he had been loving, supportive about the miscarriage up to this point and was looking forward to our new house. But the catalyst seemed to be meeting some woman at his work on Wednesday, sleeping with her on Friday and then telling me our marriage is over on Sunday! Although he did not tell me about the OW, I found out a few days later when I saw it on his phone. He said he had reevaluated his life (also got a new promotion at work) and could no longer see a future with me and wouldn't discuss anything with me.
December and January are all now a bit of a crazy blur as I did not know what to make of H behavior, it was all over the place. He was declaring love for this woman and that he wanted to marry her and have children with her after 5 minutes and then cold and detached towards me. He agreed to come to counselling, on the basis of working out separating, he came to 2 sessions, which were horrible and pretty much as Michelle describes in her book! He did not come back after that and I went and sought my own counselling with someone else, which I found really helpful.
He continued to be up and down. At the end of January we both had to move our of our apartment and when the day finally came there was a moment of clarity, or it seemed like it. He showed emotion for the first time and he said he felt like he had been drunk for 2 months and just woken up. He said he loved me and it wasn't the end for us and that he just needed some time to sort himself out. He then started saying he wanted to get back together and I thought that was true. He kept that up for a couple weeks and then we met up and it was really nice but afterwards he seemed to cool off again. He has been up and down ever since. Alluding to wanting to get back together, telling me he loves me, but then still seeing this OW (although no longer being quite so insane about it) and not actually doing anything to commit to working on our marriage or making a decision about anything. We still message everyday, which I feel keeps me trapped but at the same time, I don't want to cut it off in case that is a mistake. He has now said that he wants to talk with me and said he will say things this time and not just say 'i don't know' which is what usually happens. He said he wants to listen and before he wasn't interested.
I don't want to give up, I want to work on our marriage, but I am so frustrated with this yo yo behavior. I think its a MLC, but I really don't know. I also don't know how best to deal with this 'talk'. If it ever happens, he has already cancelled and rearranged 3 times!
Just don't know if I am being an idiot and giving myself false hope that this may turn around. I have also just found out i'm pregnant, which complicates things a million times and is the worst timing ever (silly mistake when met up with my husband)! I haven't said anything yet, and I don't want to until I know that this pregnancy is ok.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Yikes Fish!
You're under a lot of pressure. You have the situation with the house and your pregnancy, and the after effects of a miscarriage, and a wayward husband all at the same time. I'm so sorry you're going through all this.
If you want your husband back, and you should think hard about that based on what's happened, then I'm afraid to say that you're going to have to make things worse before they can get better.
Right now, from his perspective, he has you right where he wants you. You're there for the taking if he decides to come back, he has all the power in the relationship right now, which lets him do whatever he wants to do while preserving a safety net.
This will take a huge leap of faith and a lot of discipline. First of all I highly recommend engaging a telephone coach on this site to ride along with you step by step, since they can work back and forth with you it makes things easier and I guarantee you'll feel a lot better.
If you can't do that for whatever reason, the simple prescription is to start giving him space -- more space than he wants. I wouldn't go "cold turkey" on the daily messaging, but I would start to withdraw. Wait longer and longer before responding, sometimes don't respond at all, and just generally slowly pull back.
Start to "get a life" meaning go out with other people, and don't tell him where you're going or what you're doing, be mysterious! You need him to wonder what you're up to and what you're thinking.
So far, it's been like playing a game of poker where he can see all of your cards and you can't see any of his. Time to change that up -- don't tell him anything about what you want, how you're feeling, what you're thinking, nothing. When he sees you or contacts you, convince him that you're happy, self confident, and are doing your own thing and don't need him at all. You don't miss him, your life is so full, why would you? You don't have time to think about it.
What will this do?
-- It will take away his perception of having a safety net
-- It will make him wonder what you're doing, and you will progressively occupy more of his thoughts
-- It will make him wonder if you're available to him at all if he wants to come back
-- It will establish you as a happy, independent, confident person, and that's who everyone wants to be with
He will be attracted to the notion that he may have to chase you to get you back, play hard to get. He will value you more if you're a prize to be won, versus something he can just go back to.
This will be *very uncomfortable* for you, so prepare yourself for it. You need to grab the steering wheel and take control of the relationship. You need to distance when you want to cling.
Line up a support network for yourself of people who are not him, set up DB coaching appointments or engage a therapist, exercise regularly, and go out and meet new people. It's the best thing you can do.
Acc
Welcome to the forums! Very sorry you're going through this!
Yeah I agree with Acc. You're his Plan B right now. The thing about being a Plan B is they never promote you to Plan A. That's reserved for OW. You have to distance yourself from him, make him feel like he's losing you. If he gets worried enough to think he may actually lose you then suddenly you look like a Plan A candidate again. He's doing some major cake-eating right now so you've got to put a stop to that.
He might be MLC, but it doesn't really sound like it at this point. Sounds more like a WAH, which may have been triggered by the 2nd miscarriage and his thoughts of wanting to have kids.
Hello fish198,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
It is going to sound like an echo around here. Yes, your husband keeps temperature checking you to see if you are still available as plan B. He is cake eating in a major way.
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal. Healing from infidelity is achievable for both of you with the right support and tools.
First of all I highly recommend engaging a telephone coach on this site to ride along with you step by step, since they can work back and forth with you it makes things easier and I guarantee you'll feel a lot better.
Acc
Thanks for the vote of confidence regarding the DB Telephone Coaching!
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Thank you all for the kind messages, I found it really helpful. I have been massively struggling with the fact he has all the power now and its all on his terms, as I am so used to being the one in control.
I do think I need to take a massive step back and just leave him to get on with whatever he is doing. And I think the pregnancy is a blessing in disguise as I can focus on that and put him out of my head.
I have been doing everything I can to keep active and see my friends and family and occupy myself, but it is still hard some days.
I would love to do the coaching, but really can't afford it at the moment, but I should be letting out one of the rooms in my house soon and hopefully should be able to sort something out then.
I have been massively struggling with the fact he has all the power now and its all on his terms, as I am so used to being the one in control.
Hmmm, that's an interesting comment. Do you think your H felt you were controlling and manipulative? Because a lot of resentment can build up over that sort of thing.
I do think I need to take a massive step back and just leave him to get on with whatever he is doing.
You really do, you need to give him time and space and you need it for yourself too. You probably feel helpless right now, that's one of the byproducts of BD. But your life is fully under your control, it'll take a while but you'll come to realize that!
I have been doing everything I can to keep active and see my friends and family and occupy myself, but it is still hard some days.
It's definitely difficult. It's heart-breaking, depressing, exhausting! Just keep working on you and getting out to GAL. It's the quickest way to get better, and the best chance you have of saving the M.
I was never controlling or manipulative, in my view. I have come to realise, that he was just never honest with me from day 1 and I have no idea why he carried everything on for so long and pretended, if it wasn't what he wanted.
It has not gone down well when I finally told him that I was pregnant today as he has had a complete meltdown as all he can think about is how it is going to massively impact on his life. He has been lying to me continuously since December and I have no idea why he has been dragging things on between us for the past 8 months, if he never had any intention of working on anything and why he kept telling me he loved me.
He finally admitted that he moved in with the woman from work on Wednesday and is now going crazy that he will have to find somewhere to live and that his work life will be over and his life will be over, and he wants to kill himself and he doesn't love me and wants a divorce and he just wants me to get rid of the baby. Which I have already decided I am not doing.
I am leaving him alone to calm down for now, cause all the emotional manipulation is draining.
In some ways I just feel relieved that it has been said and that I can move on and focus on my baby. I see him in a very different light and feel fine about not being with him after all his continuous lies. He needs to just grow up and get some help. Because I just don't understand how anyone can be capable of living a life of continuous lies and deceit and their head not explode!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
It's been about 3 weeks now since I told my husband that I was pregnant. After saying he wanted nothing to do with the baby and telling me to start divorce proceedings, he says he has had time to think and now wants to 'talk' on Thursday.
Not sure what to expect from this discussion. The only thing he has said that that he wants to apologise for his reaction and to discuss the future. I don't feel like I have anything to say, its up to him if he plays a role with the baby and how much. But at the same time, given his extensive lies I cannot believe anything he says, so it feels like this talk is pointless. But I will still listen to what he has to say.
He still hasn't told this OW that he has now moved in with, that I am pregnant, not sure how he plans to hide it. But that is his problem. I did consider whether I should say something to her, but it is not my business or my responsibility to inform her.
I have my 12 week scan next week which I hope will go well so that I can relax a bit and try to enjoy my pregnancy. I am a little worried about how my friends and family will react to the news, but so far my mum and my closest friends have been great, so I think it should be ok.
Not sure what to expect from this discussion.
There is really no telling. You're dealing with a WAH and ANYTHING could come out of his mouth. Just remember Sandi's rules, especially "Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared." Just let him talk and you listen. No matter what he says, no matter how crazy it sounds, just listen and validate (read the sticky on validation). Try to keep in mind tht whatever he tells you is how he feels right now and is subject to change even if he says it's not. You've already decided you are keeping the baby, so your boundary should be that you will NOT allow any discussion to the contrary. If he goes there then just shut him down and tell him that's not an option and not open to discussion.
I don't feel like I have anything to say, its up to him if he plays a role with the baby and how much. But at the same time, given his extensive lies I cannot believe anything he says, so it feels like this talk is pointless. But I will still listen to what he has to say.
Good. Yes you are exactly right, whatever comes out of his mouth right now is practically worthless. Just listen and validate, that's really the only purpose of the talk.
He still hasn't told this OW that he has now moved in with, that I am pregnant, not sure how he plans to hide it. But that is his problem. I did consider whether I should say something to her, but it is not my business or my responsibility to inform her.
Great! I agree. She'll figure it out anyway, and won't that be a rude slap in the face that he didn't tell her. If you tell her she will resent you, but if you don't tell her and she finds out by seeing your growing belly or some other way then she will resent HIM.
I have my 12 week scan next week which I hope will go well so that I can relax a bit and try to enjoy my pregnancy.
Good luck! Very sorry you find yourself in this situation, but it sounds like you are being very clear-headed about it so that's a great sign! You're doing great!
Well as I thought the 'talk' was an absolute waste of time. He said nothing of consequence so I have no idea why he harassed me to have this conversation.
Thank you for your reply, was really helpful. I think I am just going to ignore him from now on, if he even contacts me again because he is just unable to communicate in any mature way or talk about anything other than himself and how things affect him.
Hi Fish
Congratulations on the baby I hope all goes well with the scan.
Commiserations on your idiot H. I am also so sorry you find yourself in this situation.
I would simply back up all the advice you have already received and keep staying strong as it sounds you are. This is a rollercoaster and you have already been on it for quite a while in one way but if you read other stories 8 months can be classed as not very long.
I had a very similar sitch with my H. Fell in 'love' with someone at work after 5 minutes, left, moved in with her, lasted 4 weeks before he wanted to come home. The difference is we already had 2 kids so I couldn't cut contact but I did cut contact about anything but the kids and finances about 3 weeks before his epiphany.
Good luck and keep posting.
SJ x
I think he is scared that all his lies are going to be revealed and people will think badly of him, which is what he is most concerned about. But that is not my problem.
He asked about whether I would start divorce proceedings as he has no grounds to start proceedings, but I said no. It doesn't suit me to do it right now or pay the court fees etc. I have more important things that I need to concentrate on and I don't need to be wasting money. So he has to wait till we have been separated for 2 years till he can start proceedings and pay the fees. I'll see what the situation is then.
I don't feel like I can look too far ahead at the moment, I am just concentrating on getting through each week of my pregnancy and see where I go from there.
I am also going to go back to see my counsellor as well as just talking to my husband yesterday for 15 minutes stressed me out and affected my sleep, so I want to make sure that I am looking after myself.
Had my scan today and all is good!
Feeling so relieved and looking forward to all the next steps. Told my husband that it was all fine as he asked, but did not really get much response he only seemed to want to want to know if I was going to tell everyone now. I haven't responded and I have no reason to have any contact with him at all now.
Hi Fish,
I've not posted before but I wanted to wish you well in your pregnancy and offer my congrats on a good scan. I'm glad you have support from your mum as it's such an important time for you.
I'm pleased you've begun to see a counsellor, I hope she can help you wade through the intense emotions you must be feeling. I saw my counsellor for the first time yesterday and it brought up some huge emotions but I can see it will be helpful.
Hugs
Thank you caz49. Hope your counselling continues to go well.
I've now blocked my husband's number as he insisted on sending me stupid messages asking me who I told and then accused me of not being civil because I didn't respond to him. If he wants to contact me he can email me or write me a letter. I want clear boundaries for myself. I don't anticipate hearing from him, he can't take responsibility for anything and has shown no interest in his child.
Whilst it sad he doesn't want to be involved, I cannot force him and it's better off he not be involved when he is so unreliable.
Hi Fish,
Most important thing is to take care of yourself. H will start spinning if he feels he's losing control of the situation but thats nothing to do with you...you take care of you. Thats all you can do.
My counselling is going okay, she's great...I'm just all over the place!
Look after yourself.
Fish, I have a toddler and I'm facing single parenthood. I'm so sorry to hear of everything you've been through. My husband also has shown little interest in our child and has been overall disengaged. Children deserve better than that! Even if they're not always planned they deserve the love of both their parents. I admire you for keeping your child and for focusing on planning for him or her. It doesn't sound like there's anything you can do better than what you're doing.
Thank you for all the supportive messages and good to know that other people have been through similar things and are doing well.
I'm getting on with things and feel good. My husband sent me an email yesterday saying that he is trying to change and that he wants to meet and talk and that 'he cares about me and always will that he has always wanted a baby and to go through pregnancy things, so wants to make sure I am ok. And also that he has been having lots of dreams about me and the situation'.
I am skeptical about any change when he seems so unstable, 3 weeks ago he was telling me I wasn't being civil and now I get the complete opposite. Without some professional input I don't think he can change at all. Because he will still be surrounded by the same people and doing the same thing.
I would be willing to talk if he has something of consequence to say about the practicalities moving forward, but not sure if that will happen.
I'm getting on with things and feel good. My husband sent me an email yesterday saying that he is trying to change and that he wants to meet and talk and that 'he cares about me and always will that he has always wanted a baby and to go through pregnancy things, so wants to make sure I am ok. And also that he has been having lots of dreams about me and the situation'.
I am skeptical about any change when he seems so unstable, 3 weeks ago he was telling me I wasn't being civil and now I get the complete opposite. Without some professional input I don't think he can change at all. Because he will still be surrounded by the same people and doing the same thing.
You are right to be skeptical. Just keep up the limited contact. He'll try to temperature check you now and then to see if you're waiting for him, just ignore it. If he has a big awakening and wants to recon, he will make that very clear to you.
Yes he is definitely doing that. Was sending emails at the weekend saying that he missed me and we could be a family and asked if I would take him back. But no acknowledgement of anything just words and no serious action. I haven't engaged much other than to tell him to seek professional help and that I wanted to see action and not meaningless words. To which he then just ignored and decided to change his profile picture on social media to one of himself and the OW.
I would rather he just left me alone entirely, as its annoying and disrupting having him send these emails. I find it difficult to understand why he does it and what he seeks to achieve by continuing to lie, be deceitful and manipulative.
Yes he is definitely doing that. Was sending emails at the weekend saying that he missed me and we could be a family and asked if I would take him back. But no acknowledgement of anything just words and no serious action. I haven't engaged much other than to tell him to seek professional help and that I wanted to see action and not meaningless words.
You are very brave and doing EXACTLY what you should be doing!
To which he then just ignored and decided to change his profile picture on social media to one of himself and the OW.
And that tells you that you were right to be skeptical! Wow what a jerk move on his part.
I would rather he just left me alone entirely, as its annoying and disrupting having him send these emails. I find it difficult to understand why he does it and what he seeks to achieve by continuing to lie, be deceitful and manipulative.
He does it because he wants it all. He wants his nice little marriage and he wants his fling on the side. It must be very annoying to him that you're not on board with his plans.
I met with my husband yesterday for an hour. I wanted it time limited and I had my yoga class straight after and a counselling session the following morning, to make sure I was not feeling stressed by meeting with him.
Although I found the meeting confusing rather than stressful. He was nice and very interested in what was going on with my pregnancy, saying he doesn't like that I am going through it without him. He voluntarily agreed to child support, which is helpful so I don't have to go through the agencies. But he is still confused and conflicted about what he is doing and does not seem to be able to make a decision about anything.
The OW does know and has told him he is to have nothing to do with the baby and to ignore it. Which I guess says it all about the person he is with. But that is for him to deal with.
I did end up feeling a bit sad for him and his situation and his obvious confusion, as he has no one to talk to, but I can't help with that. I wasn't expecting to have those feelings, but meeting in person is so different to messaging and emails, so it was helpful to have my appointment with my counsellor in the morning.
I feel positive the meeting is out of the way and I can carry on getting on with things.
Fish,
It's nice to hear you're in touch with your husband and there's some interest on his part. It sounds like there's always a chance he could come back and be ready to re-commit someday but you may or may not want that. It's even better that you're able to stay so balanced and handle everything so well. I hope things move in the right direction for you!
Hi Fish,
Can I say how strong you sound! You amaze me with what you are going through. So glad you had a positive meeting with your H even if it was confusing. I'm sure he's feeling very confused too.
Keep doing what you're doing, the yoga, counselling and small bite sized meetings with H.
I wish you well, take care x
Thanks, I do still find it difficult at times. But hoping it will get easier as the time goes on.
I have my 20 week scan next week and I gave my husband the option to come if he wanted. I don't think he will, but I thought it only fair to ask. He emailed me to say that he is going to talk to his occupational health at work, I hope he does, but I feel like it is best to have no or very low expectations about anything when it comes to him.
It would be nice to have some certainty from him in terms of whether he is going to be involved or not, but I don't think that is going to happen any time soon.
Hi Fish!
Probably best to keep on keeping on with your stuff, if he comes along for the journey good, if not, as you said there were no expectations, so no fresh pain.
I got a lot of vague promises in the past...maybe I'll go to IC, maybe this maybe that...it was all bs and I knew it.
So exciting for the 20 week scan, focus on that beautiful photo you'll soon have in your hands. Keep well.
Had my scan and it was amazing, my husband is such an idiot for missing the scan, it was unbelievable how much you can see. I'm having a boy!!
My husband now says he wasn't to be involved, though its still all non committal, no detail on what that means and just the odd text. I'll wait and see how long consistent he is with that.
But i'm more focussed on the baby at the moment and all the fun and exciting things coming up.
That's fantastic news! Congratulations Fish xx
As to H, shame on him, he's missing the most wonderful experience and he'll never get this time or these experiences back.
But you enjoy every moment Fish and don't waste another thought on H. Keep making wonderful memories. My first was a boy too.
Take care x
Thanks, I'm trying very much not to waste any time on him. But he still insists on messaging me every week to ask how I am. Nothing more in depth than that, and the inconsequential small talk just frustrates me. I would rather we discuss co-parenting issues or finances, something concrete. But anytime I mention anything, it’s like its occurring to him for the very first time. His instant reaction is rude and then he thinks a bit more then back tracks and changes his mind.
I thought that he might grow up a bit when the reality of the situation hit him, but does not appear to be the case. He just can’t seem to see beyond his own selfishness.
I asked for some financial help with paying for things and at first he said yes but then said he had to see. So he is clearly not going to provide any financial or non-financial assistance.
He then called me in the middle of the night last week, drunk on the way home from his work Christmas do, telling me what a bad time he had. Then staying the usual rubbish that he still loves me and can we talk. I did not engage with any of it as it is obviously just drunk nonsense, but I was annoyed at his lack of consideration for the fact that I am 6 months pregnant and don't need to be woken up in the middle of the night!
I just messaged him the next day and told him never to do that again and if he wanted to speak to me, arrange a time convenient to me. He said that he had arranged to see a counsellor in January, to discuss why he pushes away people that love him because he does not believe he deserves love. If that ‘sorry for myself’ basis is which he is seeing a counsellor, then there won’t be any changes to his awful behaviour and selfishness. In which case I would rather cut him out of everything entirely and have nothing more to do with him.
However I just feel a bit conflicted about making such a hard blunt decision and giving him the opportunity to play a role in his child’s life.
Fish, congratulations on having a boy! That's exciting to know what you're having so you can plan more. Too bad your husband is so disconnected throughout all this. I've essential raised my daughter alone for almost four years now with my husband like that (except not ever calling me drunk saying he still loves me - there's no sign he loves me at all). If you ever have any questions I'd be happy to share my experience or advice. At least with new moms there are also so many websites and resources and groups you can join for support. You won't be alone.
Hi Fish,
I hope you're well?! H sounds so young. How old are you both if you don't mind my asking?
I would be hurt beyond h@$$ if my H walked away whilst I was pregnant with his baby. Is there a possibility your H has some underlying reason he can't connect? And is his saying he's going to counselling authentic? If it is, I would give him encouragement. It's a big deal to some men to go to counselling off their own back...if its not authentic and just saying what you want to hear then thats a manipulative action to keep you plan b.
You must be hurt so much and any reaching out from your H feels like too little too late. And I know I'd feel like why would I have to nurse you whilst I'm going through my toughest time. But does the reaching out to you differ from the past? If he's really going to counselling (can you ask for proof..idk if thats DB allowed!) but maybe, just maybe, he'll learn some valuable lessons whilst there. If indeed he's really going to go.
About the conflicting feelings you feel regarding H. You're pregnant with his baby, you've made it clear h is someone you want in your babies life...if he can't see that after 6 months of pregnancy...he needs his head examined. So counselling is a good as place as any to start. Validate, but let him do him. If he's honest (I say honest because my H was far from honest) in counselling then it should all come together...whether thats together or apart. Hopefully it will make him see how being a dad can be a wondrous thing!
But keep on keeping healthy, doing you and taking care of yourself and bump, because soon you'll have no time to worry about H and his 'all over the place' attitude.
Have a wonderful Christmas and New Year. x
My husband is 33 and I'm 37. So I wouldn't say he was particularly young, but he is definitely behaving very immature. I think that the counselling is real, but it's through his work, so I'm not that hopeful about it. He says he has an appointment on the 10th, I hope he goes and it helps, but will have to wait and see. I did tell him it was good that he was taking this first step.
He then called me drunk again on Friday, though not in the middle of the night this time. But saying he missed me and wanted to talk and wants to come to all the appointments with me, but the OW says he can't and that he can't take paternity leave. To which I just told him, it's ultimately his choice and decision but he was welcome to come to appointments if he wanted.
The OW then later texted me from his phone pretending to be him, reminding me that he was with her! He then texted me to tell me and said he might have to move some of his stuff! I'm sure they made up as I haven't heard from him since, but I really don't want to be involved in their car crash relationship.
I think it's stupid and childish behaviour to have text me like that and why is she trying to compete with a baby. I don't want this OW involved in anything to do with my child, as it's between me and my husband. But I fear that she will be involved if she is dictating what he can and can't do.
I'm for the most part putting it all to the side for now and trying to make the most of my holiday break and get things ready for the baby. I'm getting quite excited about it and can't wait for the baby to arrive now.
Wow, Fish, thats some rollercoaster ride you've been on for a while.
Yes, he sounds immature...and completely confused.
His OW sounds like a keeper...not!! He will have a pretty awful life with that one I think, (no sympathy from me...) But, she is screwing with his head and you're being the calm oasis, no wonder he says he misses you.
Did you read Zues's new thread...it's great and has some really good reminders for those of us that read too much into these exchanges with our S.
Keep doing the great work you're doing. Keep calm, and soon hopefully H will attend those sessions...fingers crossed work ones are better than nothing...and he will at least realise he has a chance to be a good dad, if and when he wakes up. Keep the path clear for this...you sound like you're doing a remarkable job at that already.
I wish I had your steady resolve.
It is exciting getting ready and nesting...that's your focus and you're right to be doing that. Best wishes Fish.
Almost at the end of my pregnancy now, just 3 weeks to go!!
Obviously my husband decided he wanted to mess me lots during this last period so has been really hard staying out of his stress. Especially when he kept saying that he wanted to move back and look after the baby with me. He went so far as to book a moving van, but when it came to it, just didn't pack his stuff and cancelled the van. Very frustrating, but I felt it was all too good to be true, I was cautious about the whole thing. I felt he would bail at some point and he did. Sad really as he will miss out on so much. He managed to come to one scan though, but that's it.
He only told his mother about the baby today! So god knows what his family are going to think. Although they prefer the OW to me anyway, she is more the bubbly chatty airhead daughter in law they are looking for. I just hope none of them contact me, I am quite happy not being any part of his family. Especially when some of them are racist. My son doesn't need to be around that.
I am just focussing on my last work at work and the baby coming. Hopefully my H leaves me alone from now on and doesn't try messing with me again.