Figured it was time for a new title
TBH the picture of them didn't hurt AS bad as I thought it would have... I was more angry that he would be that disrespectful again. He told my friend she's just a coworker and it means nothing. My friend told him if you have a wife and 3 children the last thing you should be doing right now. He of course gave all the right answers and she told him you aren't going to con me.
I really don't want people involved because I don't want it getting any worse. I'm already frustrated about everything she said last night because I know he feels backed ina corner and like she said he's VERY concerned what others think about him. She said he is so self absorbed it's disgusting. So I really just don't want him knowing I care enough to discuss anything.
I haven't responded to any messages from him that aren't about the kids.
I can't remember if I also told you guys he told my friend I ran away with the kids to NC that I packed up and just left didn't tell him. It's a lie obviously I called him about it. He said I ran away from our problems and that me leaving to NC was the nail in the coffin for him. It sealed the deal that this can't be fixed.
It's just anything to blame me. If it wasn't me going to NC it would have been something else. That's why my biggest concern is to not fuel his narrative.
We're supposed to come back Wednesday but I may extend the trip through the weekend. Not sure. I am in NO hurry to get back to his BS.
www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2752934#Post2752934
You sound AMAZING. So happy to see you back.
Remember the three boxes: Your Box, Their Box, God's Box. Who says what to who, what anyone else thinks, etc., NOT YOUR BOX. Your Box is deciding to stay in NC through the weekend.
It is nice to be validated but he clearly has no credibility among the people who care about you so take it for what it's worth, no more, no less.
Great job!!!
Agreed with Maybell
I'm confused by what you mean by not wanting to fuel his narrative.
Are you worried about what others think?
Do you believe the general public would believe that a woman with 3 kids including an infant would spontaneously, insanely kick her h out of the marital home for no reason?
OR leave for the mountains driving all alone with her kids, telling no one and for no reason?
NOT THAT IT ^^^ MATTERS, but no, that's not going to happen w/ 90% of "listeners."
No normal person would believe that.
Anyhow...
By delaying your return , do you delay other things like filing?
Can you track the finances still?
I'm worried about delaying the D filing, from a financial perspective.
[quote=T384]Figured it was time for a new title
TBH the picture of them didn't hurt AS bad as I thought it would have... I was more angry that he would be that disrespectful again.
do you say "that disrespectful again" b/c he was with her, or is lying again, or that she posted it?
Btw, my prediction - he will say he did "not know she was posting it! AND besides, it was innocent!" and you are overreacting which MAKES him want to leave....
(stomps feet)
He told my friend she's just a coworker and it means nothing. My friend told him if you have a wife and 3 children the last thing you should be doing right now. He of course gave all the right answers and she told him you aren't going to con me.
I really don't want people involved because I don't want it getting any worse.
like how? He's public now. I'm asking.
I'm already frustrated about everything she said last night because I know he feels backed ina corner and like she said he's VERY concerned what others think about him. She said he is so self absorbed it's disgusting. So I really just don't want him knowing I care enough to discuss anything.
this^^ confuses me. Your friend is also his friend, right? So she said what was on her mind and challenged him.
Would you be more upset if she did as your dad and uncle do, which is to pretend all is still fine.
I haven't responded to any messages from him that aren't about the kids.
What's to say? You want him out? Okay fair enough, that's a topic...
I can't remember if I also told you guys he told my friend I ran away with the kids to NC that I packed up and just left didn't tell him. It's a lie obviously I called him about it. He said I ran away from our problems and that me leaving to NC was the nail in the coffin for him. It sealed the deal that this can't be fixed.
massive lunatic projection...also right out of the playbook. Eye rollllllll and moving on...
It's just anything to blame me. If it wasn't me going to NC it would have been something else. That's why my biggest concern is to not fuel his narrative.
ahem..."anything to blame me....would have been something else...THAT'S why my biggest concern is to not fuel his narrative".
Oh T3, everything & anything you do FUELS HIS NARRATIVE -b/c it's HIS narrative.
Don't live in his narrative. Write your own, based on reality.
We're supposed to come back Wednesday but I may extend the trip through the weekend. Not sure. I am in NO hurry to get back to his BS.
Just save the texts or emails where you inform him of any plans about the kids.
Thanks ladies
25 the disrespect thing I was referring to was compared to last time. Meaning here we go with OW pictures. It is what it is. I guess that's maybe why it doesn't hurt as bad?
Okay and on the topic of my friend challenging him etc. I don't mind that one bit but she told him things and called him out on things I said in confidence and specifically asked her not to say. She told him how she knows he hasn't called the kids since we've been gone. That he's being a terrible father that he doesn't acknowledge my existence in the house etc etc. I could careless what she says based on what she sees but I was just frustrated she had to pull the cards of what she knows straight from my mouth. She apologized because she said she slipped but still. What's done is done though.
Yes and make things worse I mean push him to pull finances.... I was trying to fly under the radar until he got served so now I feel like this just floored the gas pedal.
The rest I get. It's his narrative. the people that know me a fb know us know the truth and those that don't aren't of my concern because I wouldn't have been friends with them to begin with.
Is it too much to ask for to just be left alone so I can enjoy my trip ? I mean when we are in town he could give 2 you know what's. He doesn't do anything with the boys he doesn't acknowledge my existence he'll he never even texts asking anything so now that we're out of town and my friend called him out he's going to be involved and act like he cares?
Now I've received 3 texts already with him asking about the kids. Which aggravates me More because he's going to pull this crap now that someone told him he was a POS father.
I've thought about sending him a message saying you can contact the boys at any time on their iMessage or asking if he wants to split to cost of a phone for s10 so that he can reach the boys that way. This way maybe he will leave me be. So far all I do is just say good or great etc.
By delaying your return , do you delay other things like filing?
This is a reasonable question/concern that you should probably ask your attorney.
IANAL, but in my ex's divorce filing... the first line was something like:
"I Mrs. woundedfool of 123 main st have resided in the state of (insert midwest state here) for the past 10 days"
I am not suggesting anything other then asking your attorney.
Just power through till you file. Hold the course for now. File as soon as possible and work with your lawyer on specifics, since she knows your situation and the legal ramifications of it better than we do.
Set your phone to "do not disturb" for a few periods through the day to get yourself some peace. You're off having fun, you don't have to be at his beck & call just because somebody told him how it is.
Frankly, i wish someone had told my ex what a POS he was being. But no, they all had to come running to me with their stories and the screenshots of his Tinder profile and all that fun stuff. Be happy you have an advocate who loves you and speaks straight and don't worry about the consequences *of that.* Just get your paperwork filed and move on. You're going to be awesome.
I don't mind that one bit but she told him things and called him out on things I said in confidence and specifically asked her not to say.
That's a tough one. but a part of me wonders: The things that you might think you only know and have been said in confidence.... very well could be public information.
Because your H has run this playbook before, especially the FB pic.
I'm sure the most common response of family and friends was: "too soon"
L said me being gone won't make a difference she is on vacation tomorrow through August 10th so her assistant sent me all my financial and the petition paperwork I have to complete. I'm going in August 11 to have aleverything notarized and he will be served on August 16 or 17 (my choice) house payment is due August 15 and if I serve him right before he won't pay it. So I'll wait until the day after to buy me some time money wise and this way by the time he stops paying we should have a hearing set and I won't have to go long without assistance.
He's texting me asking what I took the kids to do and if they went gen mining again. I think I'm going to take maybells advice and not respond.
He can no longer control me.
I think you are reaching your BS threshhold, T3. Good for you!
I really don't want people involved because I don't want it getting any worse. I'm already frustrated about everything she said last night because I know he feels backed ina corner and like she said he's VERY concerned what others think about him. She said he is so self absorbed it's disgusting. So I really just don't want him knowing I care enough to discuss anything.
Let it go. You cannot control what other people do. I think she did a really good job! Do 't be upset with her for being a good friend to you and telling your jerk H what she thinks of him. So what, if he's backed into a corner? What difference does it make? T, you have to let this go!
I can't remember if I also told you guys he told my friend I ran away with the kids to NC that I packed up and just left didn't tell him. It's a lie obviously I called him about it. He said I ran away from our problems and that me leaving to NC was the nail in the coffin for him. It sealed the deal that this can't be fixed.
Maybe it's time that you stop protecting him. Divorce usually splits more than families. It splits the couple's friends. It is very difficult to maintain the same couple friends and attend the same activities that you had during the M. It's just too uncomfortable for everyone. You can have your friends and he'll have his. He is showing his cad colors by lying about his wife and covering his own a$$. I think it's time his house of cards fall.
It's just anything to blame me. If it wasn't me going to NC it would have been something else. That's why my biggest concern is to not fuel his narrative
.
How do you mean this ^^^^^^^^^? Are you concerned what your friends will think about you? He must feel pretty confident that you won't expose him for the liar and cheat that he is.
Infidelity, alone, can be a sign of weak/low character traits.......but to lie about his W who has just had his baby, and who is taking care of his family while he cheats.........is the lowest excuse of a man.
I'm doing cartwheels over here.
PS Which part of the NC High Country are you in?? You're close to me!!
Train -- I am in the highlands/Franklin area. let's meet for a drink if you aren't far!
BUMMER! I'm still a few hours away from you, near Charlotte.
Oh geez that stinks... I was hoping you were close!
Ugh I was even telling my grandma how pumped I was to meet you! I thought for sure high country was highlands lol
Oh and on a not nearly as fun note
I ended up having this interaction with H. I hope I'm getting the hang of indifference
H: how are the boys today did they go gem mining
M: doing great
H: they get a lot of good stuff?
H: ?
M: (several hours later) lots
H: did they let the baby try lol
H: can you send me some pictures
H: it would be nice to see them
Then he calls three times. I had the boys call back when we got home.
H; can you send me pictures please
I sent him s picture of the 3 boys. Thought about sending one with me but figured that would be bitchy lol
H: awesome. So glad you're having fun
I never replied. How long is he going to fake this now after he got his hand slapped by my friend
how long? Well, the weekend is coming, so, maybe 4 days?
sorry. The good news is that I don't think you'll have to deal with it for long.
Oh, and you can let him know he's free to visit them and go somewhere OUT with them...
God...ugh
Your H is an idiot..."it would be nice to see them"?? Well, you could stop having an A and be a father and husband...how about trying that, you f***ing idiot? Grrr
T - you are rocking indifference so beautifully that you should be wearing a Queen of Whatever crown!
Perfectly done, to a T!!!
So nice to hear you sounding stronger. Keep having fun!
Agree with everyone. Not sure if you've read any...yet, but if so, you'll know what I mean when I say you've hurtling like NASCAR toward
"MEH"!
Great job!
Thanks all
Yes I spent a lot of time reading ...when I took that short like one or two day break from here. She's partly what pushed me to pick up and go. I stayed up all night Thursday into Friday morning after getting home from universal reading tons of things from her.
I read one lady's story that I swear could have been written by me. It was crazy like the same words her H said to her as mine has to me.
So my dad had his break down tonight ... I felt terrible. He had sent me a really long nice text just about everything and how proud he is of me and that it looks him what a shitty hand I've been dealt twice and that he struggles every day with not doing something that he can't even talk about. I called him and he was crying. I felt so bad. He didn't want to talk on the phone so I just sent him a text and we talked a bit but I feel so bad of all the stress and worry he has. He has been so good to me. He said he is so sick of seeing H come here every night and try to have casual talk. My dad said he hasn't spoken to H since we've been gone besides responding to yes/no questions. H asked him to go get pizza last night my dad declined. I just feel bad, I know everything will be okay. I wish this wasn't happening I hate how many people are being hurt while H is living the life of Riley. My sons soccer coach called me tonight asking me if I was okay because he saw the picture of H with OW on FB. I am so lucky to have the support of some really good people. Yes H has support to but they aren't anyone that I will be sad to lose as friends. As a matter of fact nobody that I'm really friends with supports H
Hey Train ... is Asheville pretty far from you?
"it would be nice to see them"...
Really??
Wow, Would it be nice to spend time with them, or take a photo, or just see a video?
How about a text message now & then, to help raise your sons? Babies love texts.
But you know, whatever's easiest..
glad you are reading ..., b/c it has helped me gain perspective a lot.
Sometimes, regrettably, I wish I had seen it before. But yeah, no time for that now.
I'm in a hurry to be on the other side of this.
Here's to achieving Meh
T, why don't you update your tag line?
Great job, T. You sound strong and like you've developed boundaries that you believe in. I'm so happy to see that!
Regarding OW's klassy t-shirt: Well, we knew she wouldn't be of exceptional character if she was messing around with a married father of three, one of whom was a newborn. And to put a picture of them together before word is even out about your separation? Wow. I wonder if that's supposed to pee on her territory or nudge H along to separate from you by putting pressure on him? Either way, it's so wonderful to see such true love demonstrated on social media. /s
H needs to affair down to get his ego fed, and boy is he ever. I know it hurts, but I hope seeing that helped confirm that H is not doing this because OW has something over you. This is, and always was, about H looking outside of himself for something he should be finding inside of himself. It's not you.
Your friend's actions were fantastic, I think. I love that she caught H off guard. What that represented is not shielding H from the consequences of his actions, and that's a good thing. Having it pointed out to him that outsiders find his actions abhorrent is a good thing.
I don't think you need to broadcast what happened, but I also don't think you need to protect him. If folks ask you questions, you can say a vague "Well, the attitude shift started when I was 8 months pregnant. I gave birth not knowing if he planned on sticking around. It was a difficult time for me." I wouldn't tell people you barely know, but for those whom you have a relationship, the above is all you'd need to say. Those sentences plus the picture are enough for them to fill in the blanks about what happened here, and it gives them an accurate timeline so any H blabber about "she went to NC without telling me so I'm done now" looks like the BS that it is.
And for texts, I'm happy you're not really responding. I experienced a great deal of "communication masquerading as needed parenting conversations" with H, who had a clingy, controlling, over-communicative ex-wife. I had to help him sort out what merited a response, and I think I can similarly help you.
The person who wants to use parenting as a way to cling onto a feeling of control of an ex can make any message sound like it's "about the kids." But if you analyze it, it's often them expecting a perk of the past relationship to continue, or it's about their feelings, anxieties, and curiosities. Those things are about the parent, not the kids.
H asking for pictures, or what the kids are doing are not required parenting topics. Those are him trying to act like you are still H and W parenting these kids together. Once you split, your vacation with the kids is YOUR vacation with the kids. You are an equal parent to H, and what you choose to do and not do with the kids is trustworthy.
I've honestly found only two of his messages worthy of a response. First, he asked if you guys made it okay. This is tenuous, because it could be assumed you'd contact him if that weren't the case. But still, "Yes, kids did great. We're here safely." is all that is needed.
The other thing that I think was actually about parenting is him asking to talk to the kids. Good for you for turning that over to the kids. It's not your job to be an intermediary in his relationship with them, (though you may need to assist with things like your youngest holding the phone when he's somewhat capable.)
Everything else has been about H and his feelings, and that's not parenting communication. He's curious - so what? He shouldn't have left or he'd be on the trip with you and wouldn't be curious. Or he'd take the kids on their own trip. Honestly, you do not have to tell him what you're doing with the kids. It is your time with them, and after a M ends, such inquiry is intrusive and unnecessary. You could just ignore those, or send a "kids will share with you next time you see them" to set a boundary.
Asking for a picture is similarly a perk he used to enjoy as your H. His inquiry is intrusive, and if he wanted to feel involved, he should not have left the marriage. Not having moments like those is one of the downsides of D.
It's up to you what you want to do. Maybe you want to send pics because you'd want him to do the same, for example. But it can be difficult to sort out what is about parenting and what is an intrusive remnant of a relationship that has ended when you're still spinning from the relationship ending.
Honestly, anything can be creatively made to appear to be about the kids. "I forgot to buy macaroni at the store for kid. I can't believe you didn't remind me!" is one. "It's your fault that kid2 picked his nose at the assembly. You were such a bad father" is another. "Word got out to the neighbors that kid3 broke that fence. I'm so mortified and I have a lot of feelings about it." and "You can't bring your new BF to come pick up the kids." are others. All of these look like they're parenting because the mention kids, but all of them are about the feelings of the person typing them, or an attempt to keep up arguments that are a remnant of the M that has since ended.
Do you see the difference? The above are all unnecessary communication that have been "made about the kids" through a little effort. If it's not directly about: physical or emotional health, schooling, extracurriculars, finances, or discussions about vacations/parenting time requests, then it's not about the kids and you are free to totally ignore it.
I hope that helps. I see that you've grasped onto some freedom that you aren't beholden to H and what he wants from you in texting, but I think there's still more freedom there if you want it. It can be a confusing time and so I hope I helped you see that the majority of the stuff H is texting is about him and his wants and needs, and those are now irrelevant to you.
Oh, and, as for your dad, I'm so sorry. It's one thing to have H have an impact on you, it's another to watch the people who love you hurt, too.
I wrote an email to break the news to my dad and his GF. My dad had been so thrilled that I'd found a good man to love me and take care of me. When he found out, he was on the highway driving (GF had called him and told him about the email). He told me he had to pull off the highway because he was sobbing so hard.
I've never seen my dad cry. That really helped me understand that other people saw how much I didn't deserve H's choices. I was still in survival mode at that time, so it also helped me understand how much I had to mourn.
This is a loss for your dad, too. He thought he had someone reliable to take care of his beloved daughter, and instead that person hurt you and is leaving you in a bad situation. He probably also hurts for the broken home his grandsons will have now. H has broken your dad's trust in him as well.
H has done many things that hurt a lot of people and it's time for him to face the music. You're not shielding him from the wreckage he's caused to multiple people.
What would be wrong with telling him, "Leave me alone".
Bahahaha. Sandi, you're my kind of gal.
T, Asheville is only about 1.5 hours from me.
(I'm at the base of the mountains, essentially.)
Haha Sandi - my ONLY concern with that is I need the house payment made and I don't need to piss him off anymore. That's the only reason why I even indulge his texts. Also I don't want him to use anything against me legally. That was why I said I was thinking of having him message the kids with their iPad or split a phone so communication doesn't have to be done through me.
Train - Asheville is about an hour and a half from me too ... maybe if I extend my trip we could try and meet if that drive isn't too far for you. I may leave tomorrow because I'm supposed to go back to work Thursday (my first day back) but I'm contemplating calling out and staying through the weekend. It's up in the air right now.
Cadence- yes she is quite classless but aren't most affair partners to begin with? I get what you're saying about the texts. He did the same thing last time. And as things progressed when we weren't living together he used to blow up if I didn't respond. I will get to that point. Once he's served it will all change. I will follow my L advice as far as interaction and necessary responses for the kids that won't hurt me from a legal standpoint. I know all the texts are BS because he didn't ask about the baby. It's just him trying to look good and rain on our parade. He also text the boys on their iPad to send him a picture of their new fishing rod they bought. They sent him it and he never responded so F him. And now that he text them on there then that seems like a good way for them to communicate. I may just if he texts me have the boys respond via their iPad and then I don't have to respond. I can take screen shots of them responding so that it shows I am keeping them in communication and he doesn't need to go through me.
I also have decided to be done with MIL ... I let her know about the spending the night with another woman, she saw the pictures posted and she won't say anything to H like she did last BD so I cannot have a relationship with someone that doesn't want respect for the kids and I. It's fine if it's not her battle... but I just can't meet her needs of getting pictures of the kids etc when she sees what he's doing.
Your H's reactions remind me of Ryan from teen mom ;-) Very immature. I think I am with Sandi in saying "leave me alone". But I appreciate that you are looking out for yourself.
I hope you and Train have a wonderful time in Asheville. My W went once and has been wanting us to go visit. It sounds like a wonderful place.
Above all: I am THRILLED about your dad having your back. So often us men don't show emotions. Yes it [censored] to see him cry but know that reinforces that YOU deserve so much better.
Hi T! I am so proud of you--10 hour road trip with 3 kids and an infant? You are a total boss woman! Trips and mini vacays with/without friends/family are great for DBing! It reminds you that you can still enjoy life and other Rs (kids, family, friends) during an otherwise very difficult time. You will be so glad you did this later--it's perfect GAL.
Sounds like you are making some positive steps towards detaching. Keep up the good work! I think Cadence brings up some valuable points on how people can use communication about the kids as a way to communicate about other things or even to control or manipulate the other person. I will be the first to admit that I was GUILTY of doing this. I was so hurt and infuriated with H, that I used any chance I had to remind him that he was a selfish POS. Because we have 3 kids, we had to communicate often. Not my finer moments. Plus, he already knew what he was doing and carried that guilt. I am not sure I added to his guilt as much as I did give him "justifications" that I was worth leaving. The times he questioned himself the most were the times that I was distant/disinterested/cordial and that he saw me naturally moving on with my life.
In moving forward, I would say keep up the good work! When is doubt less is always more! Ignore as much as you can without playing games and ignoring him only to punish him--they see through that. Only respond to questions about kids/finances and in simple answers. If you don't know if you should text/say/do it, then DON'T. I wouldn't worry about what other people say to him, that is their R and you can't control them. Naturally he will lose support in time.
Keep up the good work!
Blu
Thanks Tobias- I love the teen mom reference by the way
my dad is great- he's a little
Biased obviously which is why he believes I deserve so much more. He told me and continues to harp that he is happy H is showing his true colors while I'm young. He feels betrayed too because he truly believed H changed. He even wrote H a card that said he would never wish for me to go through what I went through last BD again but that it made him a better husband and father.
Hi Blu- thanks for stopping by. Last time I did that a lot in the beginning as an excuse to project onto H. It's quite weird I don't feel the desire to talk to him. Maybe it will change once the D is started and what not but I have no desire of any of that.
That's where I struggle. Is me not wanting to respond to punish him or because I genuinely don't think it deserves a response and he's fishing.
I'm mind reading here but I think he wants the best of both worlds. He thinks we will just be great friends and co parent etc. the thing is --- he didn't do this respectfully. It's not like it was a mutual decision that came from years of arguing. My friend said she told him the night they met that it's not like you guys had been having problems. She said we spent time with you all and T would have told me if you guys were having problems. She said everything was okay and then BAM you decide you're done because you get caught giving someone flowers. She said IF you would have told her about it I GUARANTEE she wouldn't have cared. She said it's because you made it shady that it looked shady because of how you made it look and instead of reassuring her you just became more of an AS$.
And also we're going to be perfect little co parents when you're letting ONE of your OW post pictures of you all together. He's so delusional that he doesn't see ANYTHING wrong with it. He told my friend she's just a coworker. What now I can't have one female friend because I'm accused of sleeping with everyone. He said T will probably acuse me of trying to get with you too. She said you should be focusing on your family and not going out with coworkers. She said you NEVER do that you never go out without your W and now all the sudden you're mr life of the party.
At least she saw through his lies and said I look at him and I don't even know him anymore.
'm mind reading here but I think he wants the best of both worlds. He thinks we will just be great friends and co parent etc. the thing is --- he didn't do this respectfully.
I totally agree with you. When he made the decision to leave he thought the two of you would remain friends with family events and up each other's rears all the time, and he could keep tabs on you that way.
(My H wanted to end our relationship with me still living with him and paying all the bills until our house sold. Yeah, no.)
You get a say, too. Kids don't suffer if parents are distant but cordial, they suffer if there is constant conflict. Trying to fake it won't work, because there will be constant conflict.
It's okay to have a more distant and businesslike parenting relationship. If it keeps conflict away, then that is what is best for you and the kids.
And also we're going to be perfect little co parents
You don't even have to co-parent. You can parallel parent - go by the parenting agreement and no more.
You get a choice too, and the parent who wants the least interaction is the one who gets to make that call.
What now I can't have one female friend because I'm accused of sleeping with everyone. He said T will probably acuse me of trying to get with you too.
Oh, goodness, yes. He's just so desirable, who wouldn't want to leap into bed with him? I mean, look how desirable he is posing with a woman who wears such a classless t-shirt. That sure does make women find him irresistible! (Rolling my eyes so hard over here.)
T, you may be good co-parents and perhaps even friends at some point in the future, but his actions have prevented that from happening right now. He needs to respect your boundaries and give you the space to figure out what you are doing with your life. He needs to put his focus on his kids and relationship with them, because that should be a constant regardless of everything else swirling in the background. You are doing a great job.
yes you are doing a great job in a crap situation.
yes your h wants to have cake and eat it too, with frosting as well.
My h wanted to "commute" to/from Alaska with me in central CA (in a new place we moved to a year earlier, for HIS LAST job);
where I knew 2 people...and as goofy as that was, i still had not fully grasped the meaning of his ACTIONS...
b/c of his words and b/c he can really do some cognitive dissonance well and b/c I was blind.
Then I got sick/hospitalized while back east for a wedding, and he could barely be talked into retrieving me for the flight back west. I was too messed up to realize how bad he was or how bad things must have been, but I had a growing sick feeling.
My family was privately appalled.
Then we returned to CA and he left for Alaska - leaving me alone 5 days later. I was in a daze. H was in a hurry. I could not drive or bathe or swim, unsupervised. I was forgetful and confused and physically clumsy. In hindsight, I felt humiliated but at the time was too screwed up to really "get it".
And h wasn't very nice for the most part, he was really weirdly ugly our last week together and that growing sick feeling was almost brimming over me.
I did ask him at one point in that brief few days, why he was "MAD AT ME??" Then he briefly apologized with a hug, and like the chump I was, I lapped it up as if he had explained himself well. "Oh good, he's not mad now." (what??!!??)
I filed for D 3 days after he left, when I realized for sure he'd cut me off our joint accounts, and my family back east was howling. I had $700 to my name, and a credit card in my name only. Nice.
No my kids do not see their dad in the same light.
YES that is sad, but it is recoverable. It'd be far FAR worse for them to see me in that relationship dynamic again.
They were each openly "proud" of me when I filed, which was bittersweet to hear.
At least now I have the chance to model recovery and a fulfilling life without him, which I would not have been able to do if I had not filed. At least now I'm living an authentic life.
It was mortifying to me to be treated this way so "publicly", and it was shocking and yet, I awoke (even though I was still in an impaired fog).
His indifference was incredibly clarifying.
Yes T3, your h wants the best of both worlds. Or the best of 5 worlds or 258 (??) worlds ...
Whereas you want your own reality based world. Stick with that.
((( )))
Thanks Cadence and Own
I think H is getting the reality today of how things will be because he i Didn't hear from him as much. Got one text where he asked if S9 was participating in a soccer tournament in 2 weekends and I didn't reply because it wasn't necessary. Then got a text asking how the kids were. Where we were didn't have great service so I waited T hours and said 'doing great'. Put my phone on do not disturb around 8 and got 3 back to back missed calls at 9 and then he was texting the boys asking if they were up. He then text me at 10 and I had them call.
25 your posts about your H and what happened are pretty insightful to me. It has pushed me to look at my own situation that was 'good' to me. I think I was a lot like you. Thinking things were 'okay'. I mean he acted good and happy but there were days he was super affectionate and talkative then days where he was distant. I attributed it to just how he was. We always said things are good when they're good for H and when they aren't good for H the days aren't good for anyone. My family still stands by the fact that someone paid him attention at work. And made him feel good and i was at home being the pregnant wife that wasn't meeting his emotional needs. Then as time progressed he took the easy option and the option where he didn't have to do the work.
Too soon to look backwards, T. You don't have any perspective yet. Get through this first and then look backwards.
When I called the DB coach he told me that I had neglected my H and that was why he cheated. I'm super curious who was supposed to be taking care of me? I was in a serious depression and highly isolated at the time when I was supposedly neglecting him. But I think he has to show up in order for me to neglect him, and I assure you, he was physically NOT THERE. Anybody who can tell you what was going on in your marriage is just reading tea leaves. They have a tiny little view into a tiny fraction of the thousands of moments and feelings that make up a marriage. You'll sort all this out when the time comes, but now is not that time.
Don't worry about what H is doing. Good for you for taking space, etc. Keep clearing your head and don't look backwards yet. There'll be time for that when the dust settles.
(((((T)))))
Ya I am just trying to fix my contributions. I have spent time talking with my grandma, who loved H dearly, about everything.
She said , since he likes the word done so much, he can see how 'done' I am with him. He has sent her several messages asking if she's having a good time with the kids and she has not responded to the messages. They used to talk via text maybe one or two times a week before BD.
She's an old fashioned girl. She said that there's no reason a husband or man for that fact leaves his wife when she's just had a baby. She said her biggest thing is he has to do it when I was 8 months pregnant. Also the fact that he's done it before. She said he should have been humble and had been given the gift of a lifetime. She said everyone can be a better wife and everyone goes through tough times but you don't make permanent decisions based on temporary issues. My pregnancy was really rough and add school kids work etc in and I see what happened. She said the reason we haven't had an issue since he came back was because I didn't bring up the past and we didn't face any challenges what so ever to have a problem about. But that as soon as life got a little tough he quit. Thank god I wasn't sick with a terminal illness or had a tragic accident etc.
She gets so frustrated with me wondering COULD a I have done something different... I fight those feelings everyday. If I did this would we have been okay right now. She keeps telling me NO. He is a quitter and it's easier to walk away.
I think he got the picture of my lack of responses to him. He's now texting the boys instead of me... S9 said I only respond to him if I need something .. I had to quietly laugh. I still make them call. Like last night they didn't want to but once they got on the phone they wer fine. S9 doesn't want much to do with him. He remembers last BD and those of you who were here for that remember how terrible H was to the boys. S6 luckily doesn't remember.
Train- I am going to stay through the weekend if you're around
T3
I only told you all that to say that Yes they can behave in ways we find shocking.
Yes they can plan witout us knowing and yes they can have a ton of cognitive dissonance.
Yes they can change without us really knowing when or why, and or they have hidden their true selves well, and or we were blind, and or all of the above -
but what matters at this time is what You are doing.
Eventually, my h & his inner restlessness became THE priority in our family, in some form or another. Whereas I now see that we became pretty much an option for him.
Only when it "glowed in the dark" publicly, (& when I really needed him), did I awaken to the reality that he just wasn't that into me, our marriage or family time. I'm Not saying he had NO feelings, just not as many as he has for himself.
I have mixed feelings about some of DBing. The part about GAL and Detachment are gold.
Owning our own parts in marital issues is fair, too. Way too much victimhood goes on, and anger that has already hurt m's often pollutes the kids. So there's a lot of good work going on.
But there is a lot of projection of Guilt/shame onto WASs' - that I am not sure applies nearly as often as we wish/hope/believe.
Plus, if a spouse who feels guilt/shame - still behaves miserably, what difference does it make how they FEEL?
We have to react according to their actions, and literally nothing else.
Protect yourself and your kids T3. Be in your survival mode now.
Deal with the "Why" later and maybe later, you won't care as much about why.
Your grandma sounds smart.
I also thought what Maybe said was wise "Too soon to look backwards, T. You don't have any perspective yet. Get through this first and then look backwards."
Your H and mine decided to end the M rather than address its' weak spots. Were there some? Probably. But right now, his actions mean what you or he did IN your marriage is no longer relevant. It might matter to you down the line to reflect on things you would do differently before your next relationship, with him or anyone else. But right now his actions mean that the situation on the table is his decision to walk away and how you protect your family from how he has done it.
My H was my husband and my best friend. Then he decided to become my enemy, someone who didn't care about my thoughts or feelings, or what the impact of his choices would be on me, who showed no remorse. It was bewildering to me. It is still very puzzling, but it doesn't change the fact that this is who he has chosen to be now. And, like you, that is the situation I need to deal with the best I can.
You obviously come from a line of strong, smart women, T. It is early days and you are doing fantastically well.
Oh and one more need for opinions/advice
I pay the phone bill... H went and got a new one the morning after meeting with my friend. This is mind reading but I know he's trying to cover his tracks. This is EXACTLY what he did last time after he found out people told me they saw him with the last OW. He had to go and get a new phone. H has no idea I have access to checking the phone bill and I've never mentioned anything I saw to him.
So long story short. Should I just cancel his line since. I know he's got another phone. If he has a new phone there's no need for me to be paying for his phone too.
So should I just cancel it today? I can suspend the line without having to pay the cancellation fee. I was going to suspend it until Christmas and then get S9 a phone and add the line to his new phone this way I have a way to contact him. We originally had told him no phone until middle school but I would feel better him having one if he's going to be gone with his dad this way I don't have to contact his dad to check on the boys including the baby.
Don't do anything other than what you're currently doing until you file. Canceling his phone opens you up to retribution.
Why are you still worrying about his phone? And how do you know he got a new one?
Oh and one more need for opinions/advice
I pay the phone bill... H went and got a new one the morning after meeting with my friend. This is mind reading but I know
he's trying to cover his tracks.
Yes he is. And does his contacting OWs make a legal or financial difference to this?
My h got a new phone in June of 2016 and incredibly, I did not grasp the implications until a MONTH AGO! I believed his explanation about his need for a new phone (while I was still paying his off on my credit card... 
)
Would it have made a difference? Yes in the sense that I would not have waited till I was suddenly hospitalized to notice he was not present for me & that he had one foot out the door, and I would have wondered why that was...This is EXACTLY what he did last time after he found out people told me they saw him with the last OW. He had to go and get a new phone.
H has no idea I have access to checking the phone bill and I've never mentioned anything I saw to him.
does that^^ mean you can check the phone he just got? IF SO, ask yourself if there is any constructive purpose to do so. So long story short.
Should I just cancel his line since. I know he's got another phone. If he has a new phone there's no need for me to be paying for his phone too.
Isn't the real reason you want to cancel is to exert some control in a situation that feels out of your control? A part of me thinks this about your need to show him you are "not stupid".
Would it really save you money, or is this a family package?
What is your goal? If it saves YOU money, by all means cancel it as long as you don't show all your cards. So should I just cancel it today? I can suspend the line without having to pay the cancellation fee.
I was going to suspend it until Christmas and then get S9 a phone and add the line to his new phone this way I have a way to contact him.
lots of thought and attempts to control are in this^^^ and I don't really get it.
"Suspend until Christmas..." What? "have a Way to contact" - your h? If he has a phone number, new or old, why not use that number? Your son? I'm confused. We originally had told him no phone until middle school but I would feel better him having one if he's going to be gone with his dad this way I don't have to contact his dad to check on the boys including the baby.
okay as to the phone for your son, but what does that have to do with your h's new phone?
Because I have detective skills lol
My only thought was it will save me money. My dad said to cancel it after he's served so that's probably what I'll do. 80 bucks won't be a big deal for one more month. But I need to cut down where I can.
When he's served makes sense to me.
Ya that's what I'll do.
IRT the phone 25 --- sorry if it was confusing. I DO NOT have access to the new phone.
I only have access to his current phone that's on our plan. When I said I would suspend it until Christmas that meant it would save me from paying on the phone because it's under contract til Christmas. Then I would apply the line to S9 so that he has a phone. Then I will be able to contact him if need be to check on him etc rather then me having to contact H asking how the kids are or to talk to them. If S9 has his own phone he can call me without having to involve H.
Just checking in,
Not much to report. I posted the conversations or I guess responses I gave to H over the last couple days. Yesterday I didn't hear nearly as much so I think he was getting the point of me being uninterested. He called early last night around 830 and I sent JT to voicemail. Sent him a text -'out watching the game, it's loud here I'll have them call later' I had them call and I didn't get on the phone as usual. Haven't heard a word today so I guess that act only went on for a few short days. He's so strange. One day wishing me a goodnight and glad that I'm having fun with smiley faces then the next as if we don't exist. It doesn't bother me it's just an observation.
My dad said he's still been coming to the house. He's asked my dads most nights if he wants to get dinner. My dad declines. My dad said H came to tell him to have a good day at work today before he left this morning. So strange.
MIL has been reaching out to me but I haven't responded. I let her know about H staying the night out and what not. She was upset and angry bout said it's not her place to get involved. After reading an article on CL about parents, especially the mom, of an H like mine I am going to follow her advice which is NC. It's disappointing. Evans's last BD MIL went NC with H due to his actions but she said she can't do that again. Oh well.
I feel so strange lately. I think it's because I don't have to see H or feel uncomfortable around him. What he's doing isn't shoved in my face everyday. I still think Of him but like I said I don't even know what us being together would look like anymore. I can't envision is together but I can't envisioned m my life divorced either.
I'm sure I will be very emotional once he gets served and he moved out for good because it will be the book closing. Everyone tells me I can't take him back again. That he's embarrassed me and disgraced me twice now. I'm starting to doubt myself some. Like maybe I pushed him away and maybe I could have done things different. Maybe he was only having an EA? I don't know. In my brain I know this is untrue. I wasn't monstrous and there wasn't anything crazy I did for him to pull away so hard at 8 months pregnant and buy a motorcycle. Anyway, I'm rambling at this point.
The boys are having a great time and my dad said he's going to buy a place up here for us to vacation
oh and I tied a hook and baited the line for the first time today. All the things I'm going to have to learn to do now. Haha , tomorrow I'll be driving the boat by myself eek watch for us on the news lol
T, I love hearing how well you sound. Take pride in doing things like baiting the hook, etc. It was a total game changer for me. It was also really cool with what it did for my relationship with my kids. I will never forget putting up a tent for the first time with my daughter. She was ten at the time. All three of my kids have learned to be more self-sufficient since it's just me. I think it's been good for them.
Some of this experience will leave scars, but they fade with time. I've been divorced two years now, and it's been three since Mr. Fantastic moved out, but today I cried because of the letter I reread from his OW, which I first read four years ago. I realized some of the stuff he had done to us and the timing of it all and it just hit home all over again. I KNOW that it was all him -- I was in the middle of organizing our family's cross-country move as he was promising the OW to leave me for her -- I wasn't even there to do anything to push him away. Everything I was doing was in support of him finding career satisfaction. But yet I still have moments where I doubt myself. I could have done this and that better, maybe this part of me was something he couldn't stand, etc. Just like you do. But it was only a blip of vulnerability. It hurts to know we gave our kids this brittle guy for a dad, that the great life we thought we'd set up was a mirage, and all that. It gets better. A TON better. And also, every once in a while, it hurts to realize how badly we were treated. It's ok. All those things are right and appropriate to feel.
What I'm trying to say is, enjoy the peaceful moments and don't beat yourself up for the sad ones. Both those things are right. Over time the peaceful moments will outweigh the sad ones more and more. Rest in the sad ones, don't fight them, and they will pass more quickly.
Keep having a great time, T!!!
T
Don't keep putting spackle on your h's r's with OWs. He "interacted" with them and he lied to you about money and contacts and where he was and
this^^ is what you know. Think out more realistically how a future with that^^ would be.
FYI, I found myself thinking if I had only gone to Alaska (a 3rd time) with H, he would not have met OW (maybe??) and we'd be together Or I would not have gotten sick OR OR ??
Reality check says - truth be told I did not want to go up there again, for good reason.
It's NOT the place, it's that he did not care enough about what I wanted, to give something up. The "in my face" unimportance when it came to HIM giving up on something he wanted,
was too much for me to have been content there, with him. And frankly, embarrassing.
I'm not big on false pride, but self respect is a whole other animal.
I played with the "What if I had been gentler/smarter/prettier/lost weight faster/not pregnant/more pregnant/taller/earned more money/more compliant" GAME
and it is wasted time.
Self inflicted pain.
My T told me how unproductive regrets are and to be kinder to myself. That I'm ruminating too inwardly, and really not objectively stepping back to say "WTF??? H is a jerk and has been, for longer than I realize (or care to realize)."
So I pass all this^^^^ onto YOU...
b/c it applies.
Lighten up on yourself, and pat yourself on the back. Good God, you have a 2 month old and 2 other sons and you drove 10 hours and went fishing??
Christ, GOOD FOR YOU!
Back in 2006, I decided to go to Italy for my anniversary b/c I knew H would send flowers BUT NOT BE HOME
like he did for our 24th...
and I took our kids. Of course suddenly h did have time, but not the 2 weeks, just half of it in the middle and if we could rearrange a trip I'd been planning all year than maybe we could sukk it up and meet him somewhere and blah blah blah
no way.
NO WAY...and truly that 18 day trip with my 3 kids (age 9 to 21). D9 got lice (and I was traumatized and horrified) and our flight was delayed 16 hours in NY, and they lost my luggage for 4 days, and truly I just rolled with the punches and still have great memories. It remains probably the funnest trip I've ever taken, and some of that is pride and the desire to make the best of it and not try to control the outcome. I had 5-6 things I really needed/wanted to see and we did. (Boom, mic drop.)
Going back 3 years later with them AND H, was not nearly as fun. I swear there was always a bit of tension and at one point h and S, then 21, got into an argument.
I'm pretty sure the kids were comparing the trip before, and h probably felt insecure about it?? (Who cares?)
Our anniversary is this Tuesday and my mom's death anniversary is Wednesday.
I'm making plans for both days and not "distracting" plans, but plans for being with people I care about. Dinner, drinks and chatting (on the anniversary. I don't want to think "oh wow that was our wedding night/honeymoon drive",
but more like "that was then and this is now." OR so I hope.
For my mom, my sisters and I are going to have her favorite dinner and drinks and probably watch the slide show we made the week she died. If we can get through it, it'll feel like an honoring achievement and if we can't, we will have tried. I miss her very much.
But No tension. No fear, just support - and I'm going to soak it all up.
I hope you will learn to do the same, b/c it really does help.
Dear Lord, how did women get through this in our mom's day? (Or men?--might have been more ostracizing for them, UGH)
((( )))
When I called the DB coach he told me that I had neglected my H and that was why he cheated
Wow,I'm shocked!
When I called the DB coach he told me that I had neglected my H and that was why he cheated
Wow,I'm shocked!
Yep. Paid for three sessions, used one more after that one and found it equally useful, never called again. I got more help from people on this forum.
Including T384, by the way.
My goodness...
I think the one thing that is clear is that none of us are responsible for our spouse's actions. Can't control them but also not our monkey. They chose to leave/not talk/have an A/whatever because that made sense to them at the time, for whatever good or not so good reasons. History/MLC/character may explain it but it was still their choice. They had other options!
By not choosing to talk openly about the M instead, our spouses made a shared look at that impossible. As individuals, we might want to look at our side of the M street as part of reclaiming our 'best self' now. We might want to do it as part of choosing what we need and will do in other relationships in our lives, or in a future M/R. A few of us might get the chance to have that shared conversation as part of making a new different kind of relationship with our spouse. That might involve us taking responsibility for actions we took that weakened our M or contributed to someone else's unhappiness or unmet needs. We are not responsible though for either their needs or the choices they take to meet them or the fallout for them from their own choices. In a way, as a reformed 'fixer', I guess it would be simpler if a bit of 'pretzeling' would do the job!
Nope, I think that sounds like a not my circus/monkeys flag to me!
I am also surprised Maybell. Not by the sentiment, but the advice/comment.
My DB coach was a Godsend who never defended my h's actions, but helped me stop spinning. Showed me how ineffective my anger was (even if understandable.)
In my case, showing anger simply fueled h's victimhood and sometimes my anger ate ME up inside.
I had easily a dozen sessions with her.
I'm sorry for that - ugh.
Hey all ,
Thanks for the wisdom and kindness as always.
Maybell I felt the same about my DB coach. I only ended up going through with one session because I felt I got MUCH more here and my DB coach didn't help me come up with a game plan. I just got a lot of uh huh and I see.
Thanks for the encouragement. I hope to get where you're at sooner rather than later. BUT I am nuts because I still hope that maybe H will wake up and be sorry for what he's done. I sit here on the lake with the kids swimming (including the. Baby in his little float which is just too cute for words) and think how can he do this again. Just this time last year as we do every year.
I've gone back and forth about posting pictures on Fb. Part of me wants him to be jealous and see us having fun the other part wants to be dark and him have no clue what we're doing. Oh and the boys love that I can do the hooks and bait for the fishing rods. My oldest can do it too but they just think it's cool that mom knows how to haha.
25- yes he was lying and still does. The part that tears me up is how long was he lying for. I still don't think he physically cheated I think he's had someone on the side via text... well now I know since he left there's more than one.
I would love to go to Italy! You're one brave lady going alone with three kids, I don't think I'm that brace lol.
I'm sorry to hear about your mother but I am sure she will be happy to have you and family celebrating her.
Hi treasur - thanks for stopping by. My ah specifically said he chose not to talk about it because he figured it would just get better eventually rather than discussing it.
My dad said he truly believes if I would have never mentioned the flowers or other stuff and hadn't held his feet to the fire we wouldn't be in this situation. That H would have continued doing what he was doing with me living in whatever little land of the unknown.
I'm a fixer too. I just want everyone to be happy. I want everyone to get along and I don't like conflict. I believe in let's just talk about it and move forward. You did this it hurt me please don't do it again, etc.
I'm getting anxious to go back home. I don't want to be back in reality. It's been so nice to be gone and not see him or deal with his negative attitude.
I know I'm nuts but I was dreaming that maybe this time away would
Help him se what life he is getting himself into. My dad said it's still not reality because he's at home at our house and not alone in an apartment
Don't go backward. You've been doing awesome. You will continue to be amazing. He has shown you who he is. Believe it, and decide whether you and your boys deserve that in your life.
Maybe I have sounded like it was easy and you should just get with the program. It's not. It's a process. And I, personally, in spite of the great life I have now, and how clear I am that Mr. Fantastic sux, have moments like yours where I want him to know what he lost, to feel regret, to have a moment of clarity that he had a great life that he threw away. It's the result of my anger, not the result of my desire to have him back. It's sadness for all the good things that could have been and should have been. I know they wouldn't have been because of who he is.
Work towards being clear about that in your mind and your heart. You didn't make him the way he is, and the way he is he would never be happy with the same things that make you happy. Maybe he would never be happy at all. But YOU WILL BE. I promise that. Just keep moving forward.
I get it.
What makes me happy isn't what makes him happy right now. But it did make him happy and not too long ago. We did have the same goals and visions for our life. I mean like I said we just bought property and had an architect draw up the plans for our home. He wanted to start building this summer and had already started the process for the construction loan. That's where I struggle is the radical change. It's not like I dreamt this life up on my own and made him do things he didn't want. So my struggle is how can someone go from being such a family man and wanting this life to them suddenly not. Or that he just doesn't want these things with ME all of the sudden. The frustration is he has the ability to be what the boys and I need I guess it's just when he WANTS to and when it's good for him.
My family says he's just a quitter. He's good as long as things are good. But when things get tough or are difficult he gives up. He just wants everything handed to him. He repeatedly has told my grandmother he wants a simple life. Wants to not work so much. He's never said that to me. Coming from the person with 3 trucks 2 boats and now a motorcycle. It's very contradictory. I just am trying to figure it out because I don't know how I can accept this change in life to move forward. It's just still so crazy to me.
Planning a baby etc to now eh it's over have a nice life. I'm going to act as if you don't exist and we should be friends and co parent together. Now I'm going to go back to my home state once a month even though I haven't cared to visit there in 2 years and I'm going to talk to all my 'friends' up there I haven't seen in 14 years or talked to since the last time I left you.
Ugh.
Is it possible he didn't want the same things as you, but felt like he ought to?
T,
I think there is a big difference between wanting something and liking the idea of something. He may like the idea of being M with kids and a home, but it's clearly by his actions not what he wants. Perhaps his mind changed as he saw the selfless commitment it required? The way you describe his behaviors and choices over the last several years are not that of a family man!
Look. my H had an A and devastated our M and family too. He did however continue a solid relationship with his kids and he did not hurt us financially with giant/selfish purchases. I know I can't compare our Hs, but I do think that your H hasn't just left the M, but rather acted out in every way that is destructive. I can't imagine the strong confident T wants a guy like this. You gotta know your worth girl!
I know that dating is the last thing on your mind, but there are plenty of good men out there that would love to date a woman with 3 kids and have a insta family. Maybe a mature and has-his-chit-together older guy? Some day you will be an awesome 4 for the price of 1 catch!
Blu
Maybell - I definitely don't think that in the slightest. In fact, he was the one that wanted to have children first. Also, about a year after we reconciled I really had wanted a third child that we had always talked about. However after a few months when my schedule for school started getting busier I told H I didn't think it was a good idea. He ended up pushing it more saying he wanted a baby and said let's leave it open to if it happens it's meant to be. Well we all know how that story ended. So while it may be not what he wants NOW. He did want these things without me pushing. Hell, I didn't want to buy the property. Financing fell through less than24 hours before closing and I told H I felt this was a sign it wasn't meant to be. He said no he wanted to build our dream house etc so we emptied our savings to pay cash and still close the next day.
Hi Blu- I agree his actions now and since BD have shown this isn't what he wants. It's unfortunate that this is almost identical to his behavior last BD. Like my grandmother says it's like a flip of a switch and he's gone. She said he can't face adversity.
I agree he's destructive which is why I have to protect the boys and I. Again, things are following the same path as last time and now that he has went and bought a secret phone to speak with his OWs wth the next thing will be to tell me he doesn't have the money. He still never paid the electric but I've been out of town so I'll deal with it when I get back. It's sad that this has to repeat itself again. I guess if there's anything I can find comfort in it will be that hopefully one day he will see what he saw last time. But now I'm doubting myself if that was even genuine.
T, I'm a little thrown off by your comment, "I guess if there's anything I can find comfort in it will be that hopefully one day he will see what he saw last time."
Not sure how that would be comforting. Would you want to be here a third time?
I mean that he will regret his decision and be able to see I'm not this horrible monster he has convinced himself I am. If I'm being brutally honest also that he can feel the pain he felt last time, which obviously wasn't enough, but even if it's just a fraction of what I feel on a daily basis.
I'm also uneasy about the future. I feel like what men out there want to walk into 3 young boys. I know I will be VERY picky and selective because I don't want to go down this path again. I just keep telling myself all will work out in time. I'm anxious to go home and get this ball rolling.
H text wanting to know when we would be home. I said tomorrow. He replied people from work are going for a bike ride I'm going with them so I won't be around tomorrow. I didn't reply.
My dad said he invited him to go out tonight with H and friends. My dad declined. My dad said H came and asked him 3 more times to go telling him he would have a good time. He still declined. H also sent my grandma a text asking if she would watch the baby this evening so I could get some sleep for my drive home tomorrow. Neither of us responded.
Taking the boys to an indoor jumping place. Hope they serve hard liquor lol
T,
I have a brother who did not marry until he was close to 40. He is a computer/engineering nerd, but good looking. Married a divorced mom with a son and then they adopted two little girls. He would have married someone like you no question.
I have another brother. Lovely, sweet man. Married a complete narcissist as well. Has three daughters that he has done everything for. His wife cheated and left him. He has not even dated that I know about in the 8-10 years they have been divorced. He has been single-handedly raising his daughters. His ex went back to her native Australia leaving him with the girls. Awesome woman. He always wanted a son. He would have married someone like you no question.
I didn't have to look hard to find two professional men who love kids and would think nothing of becoming a dad to three more. Please do not sell yourself, or your boys, short. Please do not think that yours is the end all and be all.
Every dog gets one free bite. Yours has now had two. At this point, it is on you if you give him the chance to do it to you again. I don't say that to be cruel, but forewarned is forearmed.
You have got to stop looking for every possible sign that you have a future with this guy. Seriously, he can't pay the electric bill. You are on the cusp of financial independence and professional success. You do not want to be dragging behind you a burned out thirty something looking to take it easy and shirk his responsibilities.
I mean that he will regret his decision and be able to see I'm not this horrible monster he has convinced himself I am.
what if he said "T3 is a purple violent lesbian" and told EVERYONE that? How much energy would you give to fight that insane lie?
I assume not a lot...(??) So, Are you secretly afraid there is a kernel of truth to what he says?
What would it mean if you really do have a flaw & made mistakes, when you really could have made a better choice?
What then? T3, If you have any energy left over from taking care of your 3 boys and studying and attending school and working your butt off, I hope you work on forgiving yourself. You're allowed imperfection.
If I'm being brutally honest also that he can feel the pain he felt last time, which obviously wasn't enough, but even if it's just a fraction of what I feel on a daily basis.
We all struggle with the injustice of it and think that their suffering would even things out a bit. Feels like retribution, and maybe even restitution, even though it's Not paying us back so much as the universe punishing them for inflicting pain on us. I get that.
But here's the deal. Either he will be haunted by inflicting pain on your boys & you, or he won't.
And if he is not capable of feeling crappy for this, if he can leave his family again and emerge unscathed, then what does that really about HIM?
T3 It's not a reflection on you if he has no remorse and you really need to hear me there, okay?
IMO, the ratio of HIS pain is not the big factor you think it was. I think your h is very concerned with his image management, both externally and internally.
He wants to be seen as a good guy by others (hence the invites to your family, among other things) and he wants to internally feel like he's a good guy.
You believed he wanted the child and new home, b/c he acted like it.
My guess is that he wanted to want those things, or to appear like he did...
And again, His misery is NOT the index for your joy or happiness or your pain. If he gets in a car accident and breaks his leg, your leg won't feel better.
Only you can create the life you want, with more love and more peace. I hope you'll create this^^.
IF you are happy, he won't be more miserable,
but he may second guess himself about who you really are, sooner. Sure, you need to want happiness in your life for You and your boys.
But if how he sees you ^^matters to you, then I hope you'll create the life you want and deserve, and which your boys need too. Whatever it takes for you to move forward and live the life you want, whatever motivation it takes, fine by me. I just cannot wait for you to get there as I know you will.
You can do this^^.
I'm also uneasy about the future. I feel like what men out there want to walk into 3 young boys.
yes, the future is coming and you don't know what it holds. It's a very uneasy feeling.
T3, as for dating again, there is benefit to healing on your own. To begin the detachment you will need, in order to become the woman YOU want to become.
I'm worry that you are adopting a "no man will want me!!" belief. That's your h's voice in your head.
Do you think that being single means your h's views of you, will be confirmed?
Let that ^^ question sink in, please.
And I'll say again - men over 35 who want to date, KNOW it's likely they'll date women w/kids. You're bringing so much more to the table than you realize...
I don't know how to get you to see ^^ that.
I know I will be VERY picky and selective because I don't want to go down this path again.
I just keep telling myself all will work out in time. I'm anxious to go home and get this ball rolling.
Not wanting to repeat the most painful experience of our lives is pretty basic - but many repeat the pattern anyway. They don't learn about their parts in the selection of partner or the choices we made about not seeing some things and focussing on things that were not very important.
Don't let yourself spiral and get mired in self doubt.
All will work out in time. I have had to tell myself this several times a week.
"All will work out in time." It's axiomatic if you think about it. You won't be impoverished, and You won't be homeless, you won't starve, and you & your boys have access to health care.
There is an underlying theme of fear in many of your posts. I get it more than you know.
I ask that you consider what your FEAR really is, deep down.
Is your biggest fear down inside, That you will be alone & rejected b/c - hey it turns out that what your h says about you, is actually ALL true?
T3,
Those^^^ fears are based on data that is not real.
As for romantic love and a new man down the road...
Maybe you don't have to fear r's with new men b/c you have invested something with your h that you won't invest again with another man, i.e. you gave birth and are raising 3 boys, you are getting thru school, and beginning a new career, and you helped someone else begin his career, and you already invested the past decade.
So none of^^^THIS^^^ will be risked again.
When I came back to DB land some months ago, I was devastated by the "the wasted years" of m to h....
yet When I pondered it more- I ended up NOT fearing new men in my life as much.
Because I don't see how I could be hurt this deeply again. So my risk of a seriously broken heart in a new R, seems relatively low. Do you get ^^^that??
Not b/c I won't care or love deeply, but b/c I already have children and have mostly raised them. My career losses have already happened. I have already finished the main race and spent my "main years" on H. I lost some and I won some. That battle is over. I don't see the big fat risk, other than time. (Hate jinxing myself saying that...)
Yes you certainly should be picky and maybe work on your "selecting gear"...so you recognize the red flags sooner and BOLT faster...
But T3, if you spend 20 years with someone that are mostly good years, and then it ends and you part ways,
will it ALL have been for nought?
God, I hope not.
H text wanting to know when we would be home. I said tomorrow. He replied people from work are going for a bike ride I'm going with them so I won't be around tomorrow. I didn't reply.
(Shrug)
Maybe you can Breathe a sigh of relief.
My dad said he invited him to go out tonight with H and friends. My dad declined. My dad said H came and asked him 3 more times to go telling him he would have a good time. He still declined.
(Shrug) possible translation - "HEY, WTH? I'm T3's soon to be ex h. How come everyone's not all the same toward me? It's JUST T3 and me "going our separate ways! We're still 'friends/co-parents" and I'm still a great guy. And...ya know, she's okayyy....but never mind that. Back to ME... I don't want anything to change! -- except for anyone having expectations of me...!"
H also sent my grandma a text asking if she would watch the baby this evening so I could get some sleep for my drive home tomorrow. Neither of us responded.
hmm. Just curious, what is that request related to? Is her non-response to demonstrate that he's being shunned, or b/c she did not know what to say, or
to avoid giving him credit for his very generous?? offer to 'help' you?" Like he's so thoughtful or what? I'm just not clear.
Taking the boys to an indoor jumping place. Hope they serve hard liquor lol
I bet you do.
Head phones are nice for these types of places. I recall Chucky Cheeses being so loud and so wild that it was stressful,
except then they had pitchers of beer and they cooked, so there was that...
Sweetie, there will be plenty of time to look back and do the 'should I/did he' stuff. Some of it you'll never know. Right now, you just have to force yourself to deal with the reality in front of you because of his actions.
After almost 2 years of MLC madness, I still can't believe that my H doesn't love me or that he chose to create this nightmare for both of us. I have no idea if he feels remorse. But what he feels does not change reality, or make it better for me, or fix what he destroyed. It hurts to look at reality sometimes, I know, but it is the only way through this. You and your boys deserve better than a quitter, your family is right.
4 of my 5 brothers have married twice. 3 of them married women with children, and each of those brothers also had kids.
T3, the data suggest you will need to consider marrying a guy with kids of his own. That's more than likely.
So don't worry about what you snivel up to the table with, (along with your boys, you have all your glaring flaws and low self esteem).
Worry about what the guys bring to the table For you, and how you feel about being a stepmom -especially for girls??
My neighbor leah, died suddenly 6 years ago. She was a wonderful mother of 4 in a solid m. She died unexpectedly...and Eric was a widower. He dated VERY carefully.
They took their time, their pastor suggested they take dance lessons as a date each weekend, learning things togeXther would bond. After 10 weeks oF dating, they choose to introduce Erics 4 kids to Debbies Who had one, THEY WERE ALL
supportive . I'm exhausted now so i'm babbling.
Good night T3
Have a good drive home.
You will be OK. My Guy doesn't have any children, I have three, and he was excited to be part of our lives. He had always wanted kids, just the circumstances of his life didn't play out that way. And he's been GREAT with them and for me as a mom.
When Mr. Fantastic first left me I had a panic attack over trying to figure out how to buy a house, arrange for insurance, and make all those decisions I had started out making before we were married but delegated to him during the year we were married. Yet, when it came time to make each of those decisions, I handled it just fine. It was just a chore. When I realized the contrast between what I had feared and how it actually played out, I laughed at myself. I literally couldn't breathe over something that turned out to be easy.
There will be hard stuff and easy stuff, fun stuff, aggravating stuff, proud stuff, sad stuff, and every other range of experience in your life. Some of it will be as you expected, and some of it won't. So just worry about making yourself healthy and happy, and your boys healthy and happy, and everything else will play out.
Have a good trip and give yourself a pat on the back for being a ROCK STAR!!
You sound good, T.
I am another voice chiming in that there are plenty of wonderful men who would love to be with you and your three kids. I myself did the step-parenting thing, and though it wasn't easy, I also think that anyone willing to take on that role already has a big heart so it's a great screening tool.
Have a safe and relaxing trip home! You've got this.
Sweetie, there will be plenty of time to look back and do the 'should I/did he' stuff. Some of it you'll never know. Right now, you just have to force yourself to deal with the reality in front of you because of his actions.
After almost 2 years of MLC madness, I still can't believe that my H doesn't love me or that he chose to create this nightmare for both of us. I have no idea if he feels remorse. But what he feels does not change reality, or make it better for me, or fix what he destroyed.
THIS^^^^^^^^
Ps
as for the episodes of - "What if"ing & the guilting. They come from the anxiety of so much change and pain. I relate to it, of course.
We imagine what a good life we COULD have- if only they would change/do X", etc...
We cannot stay with someone based on their potential to be good partners for us.
it was a mistake - one which I regret - but then I stop myself from the regrets.
And I get back on my forward path.
Just wanted you all to know I've read everything many times and I am so appreciative of you all.
I don't feel I'm in a good place. I am struggling with my feelings. I knew this would happen coming back to reality. I'm working through it and staying busy.
We got home early afternoon Sunday. H was out with OW and her whole family riding motorcycles all day. He came in didn't say a word to me and hung out with the boys. I made sure to be on the couch instead of retreating to my room. He instead sat on my bed in my room with S6 instead of being in the living room.
Yesterday was my first day back at work. Such a depressing day with 3 deaths and one of them the same age as my baby
I leave for work at 5 am and don't get home until 830pm and with the baby up every 3 hours still I was exhausted. I got home and my dad had called me to tell me H was being strange. He left work early and went to the boys soccer practice. First time in 2 years. Then my dad said he was trying to hNg out with him. Kept going to his room making small talk. Then when I walked in the door he said hello and told the boys to leave me be so I could relax and take a shower. Then he took the baby and told me so I could eat and watch tv and relax. I declined and said that I wanted to spend time with the baby since I had been gone all day.
He then retreated to the couch and didn't speak to anyone. I woke up to all the laundry being done and dishes done and put away. He's not done that in over a year. My dad said he wouldn't be surprised if H came home with Flowers's saying he made a mistake. I told my dad I am more suspicious when he's like this because to me I believe it's his guilty conscience ... usually when he's nice it's because something is going his way, when he's a dick it's because something didn't go his way. Anyway moral of the story he's nuts and delusional and I cannot wait for him to not come here anymore so that I don't have to be around his nonsense. I still don't want a D even though I'm filing but I don't want junk here with the way he's acting
So I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I am struggling with the finality of filing for D. I said from the beginning I wouldn't be the one to file and ow I'm having tic go against it. I still don't want to have to file but I feel I have no choice from a financial perspective to protect myself and the boys. I go on Thursday to have everything notarized and he will be served August 16 o r 17th just depends on the sheriff schedule.
Is this the right choice? Should I have him served at work or give him the papers myself?
Should I do it unannounced like that at work. He literally has NO clue it's coming. I mean none what so ever. Should I ask him to leave first? I have held everything off until the house payment is paid August 15 because if I do ANYTHING I imagine he won't pay the payment so that's why this has been the date all lacking because I'll have a little financial sercuritt now that I am working some.
Just looking for guidance on what's the best thing.
Was wondering if after he pays the payment I ask him to leave the day or two before he's served. My dad wants me to just have him served and not ask him to leave before this way he's caught off guard. I just need some neutral opinions that aren't as involved as my family is. I feel pulled in so many different diredctuons. I feel backed into a corner.
Is it wrong of me to still want to have hope that my H may turn around? Does this mean there's something wrong with me? I know he's not good right now but I still haven't accepted this as my life forever.
Am I wasting my time hoping one day in the future he may wake up?
T, I'm sorry you are hurting. This is probably one of the hardest things you will ever do. I know, I've been married 25 years. I've really only ever been with my H and thought that we would grow old together. Things were just to the point where we were financially comfortable, kids were older and more self-reliant, we could travel, etc. And them bam. And he looks awful. I could go on and on.
You are losing sight of the fact that this does not have to be over until you say it is over. I'm with your dad. I think you keep your mouth shut and have him served at work. If it is possible to shake something loose from him, that is likely it. If not, then you will not have wasted more of your life agonizing over this. My best friend keeps reminding me that I have been doing this for 7 years. Do you want to do the same?
Have him served and stay strong. I think your guy might be somewhat like Thornton's wife. He may come sniffing immediately. Be strong if he does. Insist on real and dramatic change. Insist on boundaries, cooperation, support, etc.
But, don't do this expecting he will come back. If you do, it won't work. You will panic and show weakness and he will not believe your strength after that. Be strong, be firm. Demand your respect. Show him who you are.
Everyone here is pulling for you. Sadly no one wants to see you keep hanging on, keep hoping, keep blaming yourself and taking fewer and fewer crumbs while you teach those precious boys to do the same.
Plan some outings with friends for when he is served and immediately after. Talk to a therapist or a coach about a script and what you would need to see. I have two more coaching sessions with a great coach that I will let you have if they will let me. You can do this. You really can. Act swiftly, act with strength.
As a reminder, since the work folks are enablers and nail-biters for him you don't want him to be able to lie and claim he did it, etc. Have him served there. Show all of them that you don't need that POS.
Hi Own,
First off, I don't know you IRL but I wish I did. Your H is an idiot. You are so much stronger than I am. You hold yourself so well after enduring this for 7 years, I think I would be in a straight jacket
Thank you for reaching out. I feel like I'm getting better at recognizing when I am going down the path of these feelings. It was triggered today by finding out some new information as the plot thickens, it doesn't change anything. H has a regional manager, a guy, who he really likes. The guy is married with children and very successful and I found it weird he was at the baby shower for H's female boss (office manager, works below the guy boss). He has a motorcycle and they all ride together, female boss, him, her daughter, her other children, but again found it weird he was hanging with her whole family like my H was. Well anyway, without confusing you all even more. This guy is having an affair with H's female boss. He just left his wife for her. So it makes more sense why the 4 of them are always together. The night H didn't come home when i was pregnant he sent pictures that he was with the guy boss and now when I go back it all makes sense that the 4 of them were together that night. Anyway, I know it changes nothing but it was just further realization of this 'new family' he has created much like last time.
So you're with my dad on having him served but not asking him to move out first? I have made arrangements for a friend to keep the boys on either the 16th or 17th in the evening (including the baby) just incase there is a problem. I would like him to come get his things and don't want the kids to be here at that time. How should I handle this? Have him served and say nothing and wait to see if he reaches out to me? If or when he reaches out to me do I ask him to come by and get his things? Should I have boxes here? Should I pack anything?
Sorry for all the questions I just need a clear plan for myself. Unfortunately we have a soccer tournament down south like 2 days after he will be served. I thought about having him served the Monday after the tournament so that things won't be weird for the kids but I know that's probably not the right decision.
I don't think this will shake him, I don't think he will come sniffing. My dad said he believes it's about to get 100x worse once he gets served. He's on top of the world right now, he said there is no better life than the life H has right now in his mind and it's going to come crashing down and I'm going to be blamed again.
But IF he did, I would be strong, I won't give into anything. whenever I feel like I should be nicer or more forgiving or questioning myself I look at the pictures of H and OW posted together to remind myself of what he's doing to the boys and I.
What do you mean what kind of script I need? For when he comes at me about me filing? Sorry, I'm on about 3 hours of sleep and just getting back from a birthday party lol.
Thank you for the offer for your coaching sessions, I really appreciate it. I don't want to take them away from you though
T, at this point I wouldn't say anything about him moving out. I think he will start to figure that something is going on. You are about 1 week away. I would have some boxes but would not pack for him. I think having the kids out is a great plan. Can your dad be there with you to make sure there are no issues?
It could well get worse. No one knows what he will do. Like yours, mine gets very nice when everything is going his way. Very helpful, even a little kind. The minute things start going south for him, he is a real jackass.
No more excuses T. Soccer is an excuse. There is always going to be another time you see him. It's like my diet. There's always tomorrow. Don't give him any more tomorrows. He's had enough
File, have him served, have dad at home, have kids out, have boxes but don't help him.
I would love for you to take the sessions and work out with a coach what to say if he does immediately come begging. I'm most concerned that is what will happen and you will be in this for another round, another cycle. I don't need them, I know what I want. Even my lawyer can't help me at this point. And, if I want more, I can get them. Thankfully resources are the one issue I don't have. Tell me you'll take them and let me call the office and see if they will give them to you. Please? I think having a script would really help you.
Okay, I won't say anything... my dad said the same, he doesn't want him getting suspicion, he said it will hit him harder out of the blue. Yes, my dad will definitely be here. I wouldn't feel comfortable being here alone god forbid there was some he said she said nonsense, not that there has every been any violence but better safe than sorry.
I go in on Thursday to turn in my paperwork and have the petition notarized. i had to sell a few things before filing
Your H and mine sound similar in that they are nice, friendly, almost like you would think he is having second thoughts.. but it's just because things are going his way, when it's not going his way or he gets bad news he is a big jerk and shuts down.
Haha.... I always say that about my diet. I'll start tomorrow or the same with the gym. I know what I have to do deep down.
I genuinely don't feel like he will immediately come back. I really really truly don't even feel like that's a possibility. It hadn't even crossed my mind until you said something. I can guarantee I would NOT take him back at that time. My dad has already said he will move out if I take H back so it is not something that I can make a snap decision of. I hadn't even thought of what it would look like. He would have to leave his job. He makes insane $$ and I'm not sure he would easily replace his current position and salary. And will there always be a boss with a willing daughter?
I will take the sessions if you genuinely aren't going to use them BUT if you do decide you want more in the future you allow me to pay.
Oh by the way I don't know if I told you but the attorney I ended up using was the one recommended by Elaine silver that you recommended me to. Elaine called me the other day to see how I was doing haha. So thank you for that.
T,
I am SO VERY proud of you. AND I DO know Ownit IRL, and I can tell you right now, she is true to her word. If she's offered you this, just take it and be thankful. We all get to pay forward what we have enough of, and it takes a village, right? She's so precious, and REAL.
And remember, I'm only a state away. So if you need me to set up camp in your yard, or be at attention at your kitchen window, all you have to do is say so. I have a lot of free time right now.
(((((((T))))))))
Ha thank you Leah!
What part of Alabama are you at? I think I may have asked already. I'll be in Mobile in November for a couple days for school related stuff.
I am so lucky to have all of you in my corner. I wouldn't be able to do what I'm doing without you guys. And I really mean that... I consider you all my sounding block. It's so nice to have the support but also because you guys can give me optnion without being emotionally invested in my H and I like my family and our mutual friends.
H came home early again tonight. Walked in didn't say a word to me but said hi to the baby while I was holding him. Guess that's an improvement. He said he was going to work in the garage but I asked him to take the baby who was crying while I'm trying to finish dinner.
Do you all think he will move out without me asking after he's served?
Yes you did already ask, and I gave out what I could on this forum- I am VERY NEAR THE CAPITOL. But you did say that about November, and since my mom lives very near there, we will FOR SURE meet up while you're there.
And I don't have answers about his moving out, etc., b/c I have not been in your shoes, but just know I am pulling for you, and have faith in your decisions. My son is in the medical field, and every time you mention that, I think of him. I think he is exactly your age. So I feel like your Mom. And that's OK. I am here for you. Others will help you with details about what to say and when (like Cadence, who will give you VERY specific lines- and I'm STILL not convinced she is not some kind of angel, or at the least, a hiding counselor.....or a mind genius) but they will guide you through this.
Hang in there.
T, I don't think he will voluntarily move out. Mine is only out because I put him out twice. Had I not done that, I have no doubt he would still be here.
Try not to get overwhelmed by the big picture. Take it one step at a time. You know you need to file and protect the finances. Once you get your orders in place and things calm down you can survey the landscape. Just get through this part.
I left a message for the office. Hopefully they will get back to me soon.
OwnIt and your lovely Dad are right.
Remember why you are doing this, this thing you don't want to do. You are doing it to protect yourself and your children financially and emotionally. That's the bottom line.
You need to do it in as detached a way as possible, so the work serving with no heads up makes sense. You don't know how he will react and I wouldn't try to mind read. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. All the wise things you have already planned like having your Dad there and the kids somewhere else. Maybe legally best if you don't change the locks yet but maybe have a bolt on the door so if he comes by, he can't just walk in?
If he does turn up...and he might not immediately, who knows...he is likely to ask you questions about two things - his possessions/money and the kids. (Sadly probably in that order if he is in MLC!) Do you know what you require him to do and by when? Have you protected some of the finances in case he does a retaliatory raid? Do you have a proposed schedule and plan for how he can see the kids while the D is progressing that will keep you and them safe?
And then OwnIt is right...once you get past this, take a deep breath and survey the landscape.
Thank you guys ,
So aggravated... just found out H bought a 1,000 piece of jewelry and opened a Zales account. Seriously... this is insane.
T, I'd say this is a blessing. It is so time to move on and separate yourself from him financially. He is a mess and will take all of you with him. I suspect that my H has been doing stuff like this but thankfully cannot see it.
Ya I have just been monitoring and tracking what I can for financial purposes... he doesn't know I have access to any of these things because I haven't shown any of my cards.
It's just honestly crazy. My dad just laughed (wish I was at that point to laugh) and said H is so predictable. He can't help buy school supplies because he's broke even though his paycheck last week was 3k.
I just hate that this is my life. I am so angry and disappointed in him.
Just keep in mind he has this crazy involvement with his boss and her daughter. Given the ridiculous choices he makes he could well end up losing his job over some of his antics and you have said you don't think he will make this kind of money elsewhere. Please move forward with conviction to protect yourself.
Dearest T, take this as an encouraging signal from the universe that a) your plan to file is absolutely right, and, b) that your children and his responsibilities are not his priority right now. It's shoddy but predictable. He is being a crap parent right now so even more reason for you to step up as the sane parent. (And keep the info in your records for when you get to the fighting about money bit, because MLC folks do seem to approach money like a 6 year old.)
Well the petition has been signed. He will be served next Thursday or Friday at work. I am very emotional and upset today. I have tortured myself with my Facebook memories of us because tomorrow is S6 birthday. I look at the life that I thought we had and the baby who will never know his parents together. Luckily the boys have been gone all day with a friend so I just have the baby to allow me to process what today will be.
I have so badly wanted to pick up the phone and call H and ask if this is really want he wants. I know not to. I am so upset and I know things are about to get worse once he's served. He has no clue it's coming. I feel sneaky and I feel bad for embarrassing him at work. I hate that I had to file. My attorneys plane was delayed so she wasn't in the office today so they offered to reschedule me and I thought maybe that is a sign that I'm not supposed to do this. But I went and met her assistant and just signed and left it at that.
I don't know how many different ways to say I don't want this. I know I can never take him back. This finality is so hard for me.
S9 came to me last night and for the first time cried about this and told me he was sad and asked me if daddy changed his mind about leaving sinc ehes staying at the house every night. He told me he doesn't want us to get divorced that even though he's mad at his dad he wishes he wouldn't want to divorce me. I kept it short and sweet and he seemed okay by the end of the conversation. I told him his dad would talk with him soon.
We are having a small pool party tomorrow at a friends for S6 birthday and I have not told h nor is he invited. Not sure how to handle that when he asks plans if he does. I'm probably just going to try and be gone before he's home.
One of the soccer moms called me last night on my way home from work. She said she wasn't trying to add gasoline to the fire but that H was talking to all the parents at soccer like nothing is going on. That he talked about our trip to NC like he was there. Saying how nice and relaxing it was and that we didn't let the boys have iPads or technology on the trip. I just laughed. He's delusional and so concerned about what everyone else thinks about him.
Do you want him, who he is right now? If he said he didn't want this either but didn't change his behavior, admit to his lies, ect., would you still take him back?
Because you deserve so much better than that.
I'm so sorry, T3.
I know you have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions right now. And the thought of doing all of this on your own is scary.
Here's my take on your sitch...
I think at this point, the only thing that might shake your H is by you filing for D.
Now, don't get your hopes up. This could very well be the end of the marriage.
However, I do feel certain that once you process the pain etc, and you no longer have to worry about tracking H's phone, email accounts, Amazon accounts, who he is with or what time he will be home from work, you will begin to get strong and happy again.
We all have your back, my friend.
T, I am glad you signed the petition. Please don't look back! Your L not being there is not a sign you should not file. The "signs" that you should file for D point to a resounding YES, DO IT, RUN, and DON'T LOOK BACK. He is a serial adulterer, he is financially irresponsible, he does not prioritize a R with his own kids, and he has no insight into himself or the consequences of his choices. Some may call it MLC--I don't care for that term myself--but this is what he is doing. This IS who he is. Do you want to be M to a person like this?
Does the strong, confident T want to be M to a person like this? Pining for who you thought he was is no longer serving you, it hurts you and holds you back. He is a selfish liar and cheater, and he can spend money on OWs but not his own kids? Please stop looking at old photos and holding onto the past (because that only depresses you) and really think about this. And if the answer is yes, you do hope he comes back, then my dear, maybe some IC would help you navigate these thoughts and emotions more clearly?
I am going to go out on a limb and say the unpopular thing here. Apparently that's what I do here. I say this not because I want to hurt you, but because I sincerely mean it. I hope your H moves on and does not try and come back to the M. Ever. He has proven consistently over time that he is not a good H, father, or person in general. I am sorry if that stings--and no I do not know him--but from everything you describe this guy is a giant, gleaming POS. He will do this again. You deserve better in this life. I want you to get to a place where you can see that.
I know right now you are hurting and holding on to what you thought things could be like. I feel your pain and for that I am so, so sorry. Him coming back or showing you remorse will not help you move on. You continuing to focus on him and his every move, will not help you move on. I think it is time to start moving on, not second guessing yourself. Why? Because things are going to get started with this legal and it's going to be hard. It's time to toughen up and protect yourself.
You have got to start thinking in terms of the bigger picture and what is best for you and the boys--financially and in terms of living and custody. My fear is that if you continue to focus on him and if he is coming back then that will derail you from focusing on what your goals are. I don't think the details of when you ask him to move out, or how much he is spending on his OWs, or if he is a BS talker to other soccer moms, wahhh wahhhh whhaaaa, matter as much as how we can get you a good deal here.
How can you stay focused and stay on track so you can get what you want out of this D? Please, please do not let him, his ridiculous actions, or your emotions interrupt this very important process.
Sorry, but I really, really, really don't like this guy ...
Blu
We are having a small pool party tomorrow at a friends for S6 birthday and I have not told h nor is he invited. Not sure how to handle that when he asks plans if he does.
"We are having a party and you aren't invited".
I echo what Blue said. I am glad someone said it. I hope for your and the boys sake he doesn't come back. He has proven twice over he can't be a good husband and father and I would hate to see him do this to you and your boys for a third time.
And he is not going through a MLC. He hasn't grown up enough to have one. He simply never grew up and is choosing not to handle the responsibility of a wife and 3 children. He is still too selfish and immature to handle real life.
I am sorry to say all of this. When I was in the thick of it, I wanted nothing more than for my ex to come back. We just had a baby and I wouldn't believe he was doing this. My dad is my best friend but gave him zero grace and gives him none to this day. he hates him. And if I did take him back and he did this again? He'd probably beat the living sh!t out of him. IN retrospect, 9 years later, I can see it was actually a blessing he never came back. Not if he is who he is. And 9 years later he still is who he is.
I know this is a divorce busting site. But some people are very toxic. Your H is one of them. To do this twice when you have little kids is inexcusable to me.
You are young, bright, talented, and have loads of support from your parents. You maybe can't see it now, but I see your life being infinitely better without him. Even your boys, sadly enough.
Thanks Thornton - I'm not filing in hopes that he will wake up so it doesn't get my hoes up at all. I hope you're doing well. Thanks for stopping by.
Blu- I understand what you're saying. What you and Ginger say is what everyone in my life says. Nobody wants me to take him back. A lot of people have voiced that they are afraid once I file and we get going through the D process that he will try to come back and they are afraid I will let him back. I would like to think I wouldn't at this point. But I cannot say that with 1000 percent certainty.
Hi ginger -I've answered that question so many times lately in real life. No I do not want him how he is or who he is now. His behavior and treatment is unacceptable. My dad said he treats me as if I've wronged him. He said H acts like I've cheated on him and left him. In his mind I have wronged him. I accused him of cheating and didn't trust him and he had no choice but to leave the marriage. He is not sorry. I don't know if he ever will be. Everyone says he doesn't respect me and doesn't give two shits about me. I think that's all quite obvious to even a blind person.
My dad said he will do this for the rest of his life. He, like me , had really thought H changed because for the last 3 years he was a better man. But my dad says he was good until things got a little difficult. Me being pregnant school working etc and him not getting his butt kissed everyday. Then someone else paid him attention and the rest is history. I don't want to have to worry everyday for the rest of my life if I paid him enough attention or if someone is going to catch his eye. But is he like that because he's a serial cheater or is he like that because I wasn't enough for him? I know you all think I'm dumb but I'm really trying to look at myself. Was I just not good enough?
Sandi - that approach will be what I adapt after he's served. Right now I'm so close I don't want him getting wind of anything or having any reason to get suspicious and start hiding assets or money. I'm so close and I've kept so quiet nice and innocent toward him this whole time. I can't lose site of that.
T, you are being very brave and you are fighting for a normal stable happy life for you and your boys. That is worth fighting for.
None of us chose this. It isn't what we want, but the hurricane has blown in and we need to take shelter. Keep the faith. Worry about why and what next when you get to the next page. Right now, Blu is right. This is not a good quality human being and not your fault.
T-
we all have bruised egos, so it's okay to secretly hope he will regret these choices.
And if he does - maybe he'll let you know and maybe not.
But once you move forward and surround yourself with authentic people who "get" you, and appreciate and value you, you'll be glad you cut your losses, and glad you have 3 great boys. I wish you could stop letting fear paralyze you and the smallest of gestures on his part as something significant. (The laundry he did is not a recommitment to the marriage or him forsaking OWs).
You won't be alone and overwhelmed for long, and it's not a contest to see if your h "wins" b/c he's constantly got to be with a woman...
I normally would stress the hope to hold onto, but in your case I don't and it's not just based on your h's repeated behavior. It is that you let the hope stall you out, and you risk too much of your heart and financial future. All based on what you believe is his potential...
It makes me sad to hear your worries about embarrassing HIM, by serving him divorce papers at work instead of where? Your home??
Hinging all these fears of HIS reaction to you - what he will say/do/think, honestly,
if you could control any of that^^^ you would not be in this situation.
Let go of that ^^myth. You will get through this ordeal and you will shake your head at some of the fears and thoughts you are giving lots of room to now.
And you will be much happier.
(((( ))))
Hi treasur and 25 -
Thanks for commenting. I get everything you all say.
25 please don't think I thought of him doing laundry as recounting. I'm not that pathetic or dumb lol ... I was just making observation of how strange he is.
I've had a few mutual friends reach out to me that H has text them telling him he's unhappy and ending the M. He wouldn't go into details once he realized they acted like they didn't know. They all felt he was fishing to see what I had told them and when they acted like they knew nothing he stopped giving details.
And yes I don't know what's wrong with me that at times I feeel sorry for him. That he is so wrong or dysfunctional that he has created this life for himself.
He complains he has no mkney to others and that he wants a simple life yet he has no idea what he's about to embark on. My L redid child support figures with me cutting hours at work in half to just one day a week instead of two so that I can be home with the baby more plus I'll be at school two days a week. H and I originally planned on me not returning to work after the baby to begin with so this isn't far fetched. Anyway it will increase the child support by 400/month and even though I will come out with less because of cutting my hours I'm going to do it and cut expenses where I can. This is time I will never get back and the kids need me most. I won't get caught up between work and school and not having time for them. I'm not going to change my plans because of his decisions.
I can tell you he has no idea what's coming.
Oh and if you want to laugh I saw a picture frame in his front seat that someone got him or he bought himself that says 'best dad ever, best dad in the world' and it had a picture of the boys printed from my FB page.
I can honestly say I cannot wait for him to not be living here anymore. I know I will feel so much better than having him rubbed in my face everyday.
And please know while I have these feelings and ask these questions I am not letting it derail or change what I will go for financially. There is a reason I'm filing for D. I'm not going to lose site of that. I am not going to not ask for things that the boys and I deserve just to not piss H off. I've only been meek to this point but once he's served i don't have to walk on eggshells anymore. I'm hoping it will give me a sense of comfort to some extent.
T,
I am so sorry I was MIA when you were so close. I had a trip to Georgia planned and wasn't sure, until the last minute, if I was going. I did. Which is why I wasn't on here and didn't line up meeting you in Asheville. I was so happy to read that you guys might end up getting a vacation house there. Remember when I mentioned three years ago, before H returned, that I planned to move to the mountains? Yeah! We would be super close!
You should be proud of yourself. You're doing so great.
And if you can figure out a way to send me smoke signals with a way I can find you on FB, I can dig to find you. I already know what county you're in. Fist bumps, girl. You're awesome.
I think it's amazing T that you can observe the weird without mind reading and know that you have confused feelings about him...and STILL do what you need to do.
Courage isn't not having fear, it's doing it anyway.
I read somewhere else to remember YOU ARE WORTH PROTECTING.
It is a tough truth but, right now, your H is not doing anything I suspect that is about protecting you or his sons from the impact of his actions. That would be the behaviour of a decent adult, to say I want x and I know you wish I didn't, but I do and here is my plan for how I still get x without it damaging all of you more than it has to.
Hi train,
There will always be another time. We are up there quite often and since there is a small airport not far from my house that flies Allegiant into Asheville like super cheap we fly up there sometimes instead of driving I just missed booking the flight early enough and it was insane how expensive it was.
The beginning letters of each sentence are important. Is that why we capitalize them? Grammar, punctuation, etc has always been something I noticed throughout my years in school. A friend and I always joke about the different there, their, and they're and how a lot of people don't use it correctly.
My Understanding Really Regrets .... there are so many choices I would do differently had I have to walk down this path again. It's 3 am and I just put the baby back to bed. I am exhausted and am sure my words aren't even making sense
People used to always used to ask me if my family was a part of the mob or had any relation . They would say T, is your dad in the 'dump truck' business lol ... big Paulie.
Treasur- thank you for your kind words. You are right. I have said that many times. It's just absolutely crap what he's doing and crap how he's handling it. Just not good all around. I had a terrible dream earlier that we got into a huge screaming match and he took the kids. I was happy it was a nightmare and not real life when I woke up.
But my dad says he was good until things got a little difficult. Me being pregnant school working etc and him not getting his butt kissed everyday. Then someone else paid him attention and the rest is history. I don't want to have to worry everyday for the rest of my life if I paid him enough attention or if someone is going to catch his eye. But is he like that because he's a serial cheater or is he like that because I wasn't enough for him? I know you all think I'm dumb but I'm really trying to look at myself. Was I just not good enough?
I want to hug you and shake the crap out of you right now. First, I am reading my life here. My ex required lots and lots of attention. he was like caring for a toddler. Everyone knew it and everyone say it, and I catered to him and everyone would call me a saint. As long as I was there walking on eggshells making sure his needs were cared for he stayed. Well, guess what? We found out about his infertility about how we would have to go through IVF, he would have to get his nuts cut open, ect. It worked and I got pregnant, but I was high risk, working a tough job and I was jacked up on all sorts of hormones. I barely complained but I let him know I needed to lean on him a little more. I told myself now is the time to let him care for me and see how much he truly loves me. I always made sure the fact he wasn't capable for caring for me the way a husband should for a wife because I didn't want to face the reality of it. So what happened? he cheated on me during my pregnancy, and left me for her after the baby was born.
He blamed me and the kind of person I was since we had begun IVF. Yup, I changed. I needed him and I couldn't put him so high up on a pedestal anymore. And the fault I took in that all these years was that I should have never done that. Because it was expected. I was a good wife. Not perfect, but a good one who loved him very much. I was more than good enough for him, actually.
So, yeah, my ex chose another woman who has extremely low self esteem, who caters to him, who takes his abuse when I stopped taking it. My ex remarried at 31. He could have had more kids, his wife wanted kids. But he literally told my friend "I can barely handle one part-time, I am not doing it full-time". He at least knows he cannot have the same person be his wife and the mother of his child. He is a child himself who requires extensive attention and thinks things should be a certain way.
I tell this story because I look back on this. I would have spent the rest of my life in front of our daughter trying to be "good enough" for him so he didn't run to the next one. I had burnt myself out doing that. I would have lost my mind by now. I was losing my mind back then. it wasn't that I wasn't good enough. I finally faced that. My worth isn't based on who he is. One person cannot make a guy do what your ex did. It is a awful flaw within him, one that you cannot fix or take responsibility for. Your dad is absolutely right, he will keep doing this. And if you stick around for that, it will destroy you. You are too amazing of a woman and a mother to let someone destroy you like that.
I want you to do an exercise and pretend that you are your friend watching this from the outside. What advice would you give her? What would you tell her about the person she is?
You are good enough.
I agree, T. You are absolutely good enough. Your H by contrast wouldn't be getting big scores as either a man, a husband or a father...not your job to put lipstick on a pig.
You are not dumb at all. We just try to keep you forward focused. You're doing amazing, and I'm so excited to see all the ways you're finding your power. Keep it up!!!!
T,
I bet Cadet will be by soon to tell you it's time to start a new thread.
Which city are you in down there, T?
PS H used to live in Daytona Beach!
Haha we are in a little beach town about 15 minutes south of Daytona - new Smyrna beach. Find me on FB
Gotcha. PS Did I ever tell you I have a pet pig? He's precious!