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Posted By: TxHubby I'm staying married - 06/27/17 12:21 AM
I don't post many of my own threads but I had announced to some friends here that I was thinking about moving on and filing for D. My fWW has done everything a WS should do after they were caught in an affair/MLC and wanting to separate/leave the marriage.

She wised up years ago and has been her old self except for the massive guilt she carries now that all the fog is gone.

She has given me enough space to debate to stay in our long term marriage or cut ties and try again with someone new at some point in the future. I turned 50 and have done a tone of soul searching about that. Unlike what she did to me I won't leave her in limbo for years. I've decided to stay. I have invested my life with this person, have wonderful kids with her, and although she plunged a huge dagger right square into the middle of my heart, I do still love her.

With that said, if there had been even one shred of that MLC cockiness or cruelty left, even one tiny shred, then I'd be gone in a second.

The secret of success here was to truly do the 180, detach, move on, GAL, all that jazz. You can't fake it because they can tell and it will be completely ineffective. You have to really do it. Start a new life right now without them. They want to do their thing (WAS, WS, MLC, whatever) so you do your thing. For me that was reinventing myself to the person I dreamed of being when I was younger.

I started pushing my career and went from software developer that I had been for decades at the same level to being a Director of IT. Once I focused and applied myself I went from developer to manager to director in less than 3 years. Should have done this years ago but you can't change the past so don't regret it. Learn from it and move forward.

I also went back to the gym, lost 40lbs, got my 6 pack back, and feel better now than I did in my 20's. It's almost impossible to be depressed when you exercise regularly. The endorphins kill the depression.

I also gave up my cargo shorts, t-shirts, running shoes wardrobe that I wore 99% of the time. Wardrobe at work was just khakis and polo shirts. I scrapped it all. Started dressing way nicer all the time and that also made me feel better.

My wife wasn't a huge fan of live music but I've always LOVED it. I started calling old friends and re-engaging, going out to dive bars to watch bands, started going to more concerts, started having a blast.

Basically I became the person I should have always been. That was my fault in the marriage. I always put husband and father as my two most important roles in life but I did allow life to become too complacent, gained 30 lbs, dressed like a slob, lacked ambition, etc.

Anyway, all that worked. I'm pretty sure it'll work for a lot of you. For some it won't and you have to be honest about that. By the time a spouse walks out on a marriage, a lot of times that's it. It's over. NONE of the relationship guru's have a winning record. They lose more than they win. That's just the nature of it. What I'll say about MWD's 180, and all that goes with it, is that I fully believe it'll give you your absolute best chance to save your M if it's still savable.

The only thing I changed was the "wait and see" approach. Limbo was sucking the life out of me. Literally killing me. Depression and constant sadness drove my blood pressure up, was giving me heart palpitations, etc. I did the "wait and see" for almost 3 years. That was about 2.5 years too much. I think you have to set a goal time to fish or cut bait. Limbo is hell.

I chose to cut bait. I did all the things above for myself and filed for D. All the sudden I didn't look so bad anymore. My new life was awesome and her new MLC/cheater/douche bag AP life didn't look so glamorous. Her own friends were asking her about our status and saying how great "TxHubby" looks.

That works, my friends. Every single one of you can get in shape, do GAL, dress better, feel better, move on, build a great new life. That literally makes you extremely attractive. Not only will your WAS/WS notice 99% of the time but so will others and your WAS/WS will HATE that. I'd post my progress on Facebook and women that we both knew were eating that up and responding. They heard I was going to be back on the market again and saw that I was no longer a chubby, poorly dressed, unambitious guy.

The thing I learned most is that doing this for yourself sets you up for a no-lose scenario. There are only two outcomes. First, your WAS/WS responds, breaks down, wants another chance, and is remorseful. That's what happened to me. The only warning I give you there is once your new life is humming along great, you may not want this pathetic cheater in your life anymore. I battled those feelings and still do to some degree. Now I know I'm too good to tolerate this. I have options.

The second outcome is that still doesn't pull them back. They really do still want out or had an exit affair and your M is dead and gone. You'll also be ok in this scenario because you built this great new you and great new life. If they don't respond, others will. Trust me, I know. You'll have options.

Anyway, my wife and I wish all of you good fortune. I won't wish you luck because you make your own luck. You can do this.
Posted By: Tobias Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 12:29 AM
That is very nice to read!
Posted By: Cadet Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 12:46 AM
Originally Posted By: TxHubby
I had announced to some friends here that I was thinking about moving on and filing for D.

So what made you decide to change your mind?

You wrote this but was their something else?
Quote:
She has given me enough space to debate to stay in our long term marriage or cut ties and try again with someone new at some point in the future.
I turned 50 and have done a tone of soul searching about that.
Unlike what she did to me I won't leave her in limbo for years.
I've decided to stay.
I have invested my life with this person, have wonderful kids with her, and although she plunged a huge dagger right square into the middle of my heart,
I do still love her.

Posted By: TxHubby Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 01:02 AM
Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: TxHubby
I had announced to some friends here that I was thinking about moving on and filing for D.

So what made you decide to change your mind?

You wrote this but was their something else?
Quote:
She has given me enough space to debate to stay in our long term marriage or cut ties and try again with someone new at some point in the future.
I turned 50 and have done a tone of soul searching about that.
Unlike what she did to me I won't leave her in limbo for years.
I've decided to stay.
I have invested my life with this person, have wonderful kids with her, and although she plunged a huge dagger right square into the middle of my heart,
I do still love her.



I really just weighed the pro's and con's of staying in my marriage vs D and moving forward in other directions. Where I struggled is that I didn't go half way on the 180/GAL/detach. I really did it. I had let her go in my heart because keeping her in there was killing me and she kept hurting me. What the experts don't always tell you is that if this works and your WS/WAS wants back in, as mine did, that you might not want them back. You might have detached to the point where you question if this is a person you even want to be with anymore. Especially when you find out they're not exactly the person you always thought they were. If anyone had ever said my wife would cheat on me I would have laughed in their face. If you had surveyed anyone who has ever known us who they thought would cheat they would have said me. Nobody would have said her yet I've never cheated and she did (big time).

Anyway, that's all MLC water under the bridge. She's "back". She's sane again. I can see it and feel it. I always knew she was cheating even when I didn't know. I was never an absentee husband. I felt something was off from the very start but trusted her. If she ever falls back into those ways I'd know it in a second and would walk.

Another bonus of programs like this is it gave me the strength that if anything like this happened again I'd walk in a second with head held high knowing I'll be just fine. The strength I've gained is seeded in the knowledge that I want my wife but I don't need her. I don't need anyone for my happiness, I can provide that for myself.

I have decades invested with her. Although we officially had our 30th anniversary last year I don't really count it because she ruined that marriage in the 26th year. I have yet to celebrate an anniversary.

I think it's worth growing old with her. She still has many qualities I love. She's smart, funny, kind (as funny as that is to say), compassionate (as funny as that is to say), and loyal (as funny as that is to say). She's no longer on a pedestal but maybe that was my fault in the first place for putting her on one. I always said she was a perfect wife. I used to joke with her that she was like Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way. I'd tell her she has a pure soul, one of the purest I'd ever come across. In retrospect that was a lot for her to live up to. That's my fault and I accept it. She's just a person and none of us are perfect. She screwed up and almost ruined her life. She carries that now and I can see that it bothers her and probably always will.

In the end, I still love her and know that nobody is perfect and that I'd rather grow into an old geezer with her, caring for each other as our bodies eventually decay, and some day when either of us are on our death bed that the other's face will be the last thing we see as we leave this place.

That vision of the future was more appealing to me than a similar vision with someone else. I know I could find that if I wanted but I've realized I already have it so I'm staying. I'm all in and will never bring up her MLC/cheating again unless she does.
Posted By: Btrow Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 01:38 AM
Happy for the both of you. Well done and good luck in your bright future.
Posted By: hoosjim Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 01:45 AM
Quote:
In the end, I still love her and know that nobody is perfect and that I'd rather grow into an old geezer with her, caring for each other as our bodies eventually decay, and some day when either of us are on our death bed that the other's face will be the last thing we see as we leave this place.

That vision of the future was more appealing to me than a similar vision with someone else. I know I could find that if I wanted but I've realized I already have it so I'm staying. I'm all in and will never bring up her MLC/cheating again unless she does.


Dang, TxHubby, that's amazing! Really happy for you! And all that you posted up there even made me tear up just a bit. (Im a bit a of a closet "sap", at least for a dude.) I know I have been reading your stuff for a while, and have been able to sense the hard feelings you still had for your wife, even though you were moving on and becoming completely happy with your own self and life. So, so happy for you that she found her way back and that you found it in your heart to reconcile. You beat the odds-- I guess you really were the "lighthouse."

And reading you is helping me. After reading your latest, i am coming more to the conclusion that it is detachment that I am struggling the most with in my own sitch. Self improvement, check. 180s, check. But I still let what the W is up to bother me too much, and as such it is still a dagger to the gut whenever she does something hurtful. Mine is not cocky and manipulative, etc., but actually somewhat contrite, though she is defensive, and has not come around to full-on remorse. It is quite possible that she will fall into the "exit affair" or "the marriage is just plain dead/done" categories. But I hope, and I have faith that God has something good planned for me whether with my W or without. There are little signs here and there... but perhaps I just need to be less concerned about those until they become obvious and SHE approaches me.

Thanks for your insights, they are really helpful, and, again, I am very, very happy for you.
Posted By: TxHubby Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 02:05 AM
Originally Posted By: hoosjim

Dang, TxHubby, that's amazing! Really happy for you! And all that you posted up there even made me tear up just a bit. (Im a bit a of a closet "sap", at least for a dude.) I know I have been reading your stuff for a while, and have been able to sense the hard feelings you still had for your wife, even though you were moving on and becoming completely happy with your own self and life. So, so happy for you that she found her way back and that you found it in your heart to reconcile. You beat the odds-- I guess you really were the "lighthouse."

And reading you is helping me. After reading your latest, i am coming more to the conclusion that it is detachment that I am struggling the most with in my own sitch. Self improvement, check. 180s, check. But I still let what the W is up to bother me too much, and as such it is still a dagger to the gut whenever she does something hurtful. Mine is not cocky and manipulative, etc., but actually somewhat contrite, though she is defensive, and has not come around to full-on remorse. It is quite possible that she will fall into the "exit affair" or "the marriage is just plain dead/done" categories. But I hope, and I have faith that God has something good planned for me whether with my W or without. There are little signs here and there... but perhaps I just need to be less concerned about those until they become obvious and SHE approaches me.

Thanks for your insights, they are really helpful, and, again, I am very, very happy for you.


If you're "faking" the detaching they can tell. She knows she still owns your heart, can hurt you, and that gives her power over you. You're co-dependent. Your happiness is tied too much to her. You have to really detach. Her activities or words couldn't hurt you if you're too busy out having a great life to hear or see them.

Too many of us try to fake our way through 180, GAL, detachment, etc. I did. It doesn't work. You have to plan AND execute your new life without her and make it a great one. Let her see it but not be a part of it. Show her that you're first prize and not a consolation prize. Be her plan A...or if not her, then someone else's in the future. Never be anyone's plan B. That's too soul crushing. You'll hate yourself for it. I've followed your story and I think your situation is savable. You have to be willing to let her go to bring her back. So let her go and start living your great new life right now.
Posted By: dale165 Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 02:21 AM
This is the best thing I've read on the site!
Posted By: Cadet Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 02:23 AM
Originally Posted By: TxHubby


If you're "faking" the detaching they can tell. She knows she still owns your heart, can hurt you, and that gives her power over you. You're co-dependent. Your happiness is tied too much to her. You have to really detach. Her activities or words couldn't hurt you if you're too busy out having a great life to hear or see them.

Too many of us try to fake our way through 180, GAL, detachment, etc. I did. It doesn't work.

The only other thing I will add is that you can think of detachment like peeling an onion, it has layers, so I agree you need to come to a place of real detachment, however it takes time and is done in layers and stages.
Posted By: MoveFrwd Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 02:27 AM
Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: TxHubby
Too many of us try to fake our way through 180, GAL, detachment, etc. I did. It doesn't work.

The only other thing I will add is that you can think of detachment like peeling an onion, it has layers, so I agree you need to come to a place of real detachment, however it takes time and is done in layers and stages.


Agree. Nobody is prepared to 'be detached' out of the gate at BD.

I think it takes faking it for a bit to gain footing before you can proceed to the next 'layer'.
Posted By: Coconut Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 02:37 AM
TXHubby, I'm curious as to what you two reuniting looks like. Are you two going to live separate and date for awhile, or are you getting back together in the Family house (if it wasn't sold), sleeping in same bed, etc.
Posted By: hoosjim Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 02:40 AM
Quote:
It doesn't work. You have to plan AND execute your new life without her and make it a great one. Let her see it but not be a part of it. Show her that you're first prize and not a consolation prize. Be her plan A...or if not her, then someone else's in the future. Never be anyone's plan B. That's too soul crushing. You'll hate yourself for it. I've followed your story and I think your situation is savable. You have to be willing to let her go to bring her back. So let her go and start living your great new life right now.


I wont threadjack too much but I will offer this as it reinforces what you were posting and so may help others: I finally started some real detachment the past nearly two weeks, now, after I finally discovered the depth of her deception. Pretty much completely stopped responding/interacting two weekends back, and made it a point to be where she was not, and it was like she wouldn't leave me alone, then, following me around house, texting constantly, etc. Then, this past weekend went out twice-- first time, she asked if she could come and I said, noncomittally, "sure". The next day I just went. Then, sunday, she asks me "were you going to to ask me to come if I didn't invite myself Friday" to which I responded simply "No", and then she also asked "Why didn't you call me to join you on Saturday" to which I responded, basically "I didn't want to." Both of those really seemed to shake her, although she recovered enough to tell me later in the convo "I know we're through because it doesn't bother me to think of you out with other people or even sleeping with someone else." Yeah, right. Which is why she asked me. smile Anyway, the detachment DOES get their attention. Whether or not it turns things around is an entirely different matter. They can, as you have said, just legitimately be completely done with the MR (which, admittedly, mine may be-- there was a LOOONG period of neglect, there). But, even in that case, it makes sense to have detached because it makes YOUR life better. The past few weeks I have even noticed that feeling of "well being" starting to creep in when I am out without her and having a good time-- Kind of an "everything will be okay, i AM a fun, desirable man who people (particularly women) will want to be around and have a relationship with, and God will make sure I pull through this and have a great life one way or another" kind of feeling. It is not overwhelming, but I am getting there. I think there is alot to what cadet says about the detachment necessarily being like an onion. Takes several stages before you get down to "hard core" detachment.
Posted By: TxHubby Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 02:48 AM
Originally Posted By: hoosjim

I wont threadjack too much but I will offer this as it reinforces what you were posting and so may help others: I finally started some real detachment the past nearly two weeks, now, after I finally discovered the depth of her deception. Pretty much completely stopped responding/interacting two weekends back, and made it a point to be where she was not, and it was like she wouldn't leave me alone, then, following me around house, texting constantly, etc. Then, this past weekend went out twice-- first time, she asked if she could come and I said, noncomittally, "sure". The next day I just went. Then, sunday, she asks me "were you going to to ask me to come if I didn't invite myself Friday" to which I responded simply "No", and then she also asked "Why didn't you call me to join you on Saturday" to which I responded, basically "I didn't want to." Both of those really seemed to shake her, although she recovered enough to tell me later in the convo "I know we're through because it doesn't bother me to think of you out with other people or even sleeping with someone else." Yeah, right. Which is why she asked me. smile Anyway, the detachment DOES get their attention. Whether or not it turns things around is an entirely different matter. They can, as you have said, just legitimately be completely done with the MR (which, admittedly, mine may be-- there was a LOOONG period of neglect, there). But, even in that case, it makes sense to have detached because it makes YOUR life better. The past few weeks I have even noticed that feeling of "well being" starting to creep in when I am out without her and having a good time-- Kind of an "everything will be okay, i AM a fun, desirable man who people (particularly women) will want to be around and have a relationship with, and God will make sure I pull through this and have a great life one way or another" kind of feeling. It is not overwhelming, but I am getting there. I think there is alot to what cadet says about the detachment necessarily being like an onion. Takes several stages before you get down to "hard core" detachment.


This post tells me you're definitely going to be ok regardless of how this turns out. You seem to be getting to a place that it took me 3 years to get to. That's great for you. Stay the course. BTW, she didn't mean the "she knows you're through..." line. That was to pull you into a fight. Your great new life is bugging that sh*t out of her. Take it up a notch and enjoy yourself. You deserve it.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 02:49 AM
Awesome post sir! Should be mandatory reading for all newcomers smile That is how I always try to describe DBing, save yourself and hopefully the M will follow. But even if it doesn't, you still emerge victorious! Congrats on all your great progress in reinventing yourself and here's hoping your W is done with the fog!

Originally Posted By: TxHubby
Anyway, all that worked. I'm pretty sure it'll work for a lot of you. For some it won't and you have to be honest about that.


I did a full scale reinvention of myself too. I also dove into getting back in shape, lost weight, gained muscle, carved my abs, changed my wardrobe, got back in touch with old friends, started working on my motorcycles and riding them again, picked up old hobbies that had been sitting a while. I also doubled down on my relationship with my kids. None of it saved my M but by the time I knew that it didn't matter anymore because my life focus had changed, it was no longer strictly about my M. And it sounds like that's where you are too. Life is a grand adventure, we can make it spouse-focused or we can say "I am on an adventure whether you join me or not."
Posted By: TxHubby Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 03:00 AM
Originally Posted By: Coconut
TXHubby, I'm curious as to what you two reuniting looks like. Are you two going to live separate and date for awhile, or are you getting back together in the Family house (if it wasn't sold), sleeping in same bed, etc.


We were already in the marital home/bed. I was wavering on wanting to continue reconciliation and had announced I was filing for D. I'm not the man I was before all this. I'm not co-dependent on her for my happiness. I'm not a doormat. I did truly detach and built a whole new life. I wasn't sure if I wanted a cheater in that life. To her credit she has been a model former wayward spouse. She has owned it, is working to understand it, and was truly remorseful. She also has made a lot of sacrifices at her expense to make amends. That is what meant the most to me. She has suffered massive humiliation and loss of respect from a lot of people in our lives. She's the one that told them, not me. We managed to do damage control on the initial exposure that was done by her AP's BS. Nobody that really mattered to us knew. She let them know what we were going through and why. That was a huge sacrifice and showed me that me and our M was more important to her than all that. That helped me heal a lot.

Not everyone gets that. Some WS's get to keep their secret and don't sacrifice much at all.

We stayed in the same house and I've scrapped my plans to leave. I choose to stay because I want her. I don't need her, and never will again, but I do want her. I think that will be healthier in the long run.
Posted By: TxHubby Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 03:18 AM
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Awesome post sir! Should be mandatory reading for all newcomers smile That is how I always try to describe DBing, save yourself and hopefully the M will follow. But even if it doesn't, you still emerge victorious! Congrats on all your great progress in reinventing yourself and here's hoping your W is done with the fog!

Originally Posted By: TxHubby
Anyway, all that worked. I'm pretty sure it'll work for a lot of you. For some it won't and you have to be honest about that.


I did a full scale reinvention of myself too. I also dove into getting back in shape, lost weight, gained muscle, carved my abs, changed my wardrobe, got back in touch with old friends, started working on my motorcycles and riding them again, picked up old hobbies that had been sitting a while. I also doubled down on my relationship with my kids. None of it saved my M but by the time I knew that it didn't matter anymore because my life focus had changed, it was no longer strictly about my M. And it sounds like that's where you are too. Life is a grand adventure, we can make it spouse-focused or we can say "I am on an adventure whether you join me or not."


Inspirational and I agree that posts like yours should also be required reading. Marriages break up. It happens. Some can be saved but even the best MC's and relationship guru's have a losing record at saving them. That's reality. That's why that can't be the top focus. As you said, and the program says, you have to focus on yourself. Building a better you and moving on. I love your line about saving yourself and hopefully the M will follow. Good stuff.
Posted By: Holding Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 03:21 AM
TXHubby, your story is so inspiring! I'm happy to hear you're in a place of strength, and that you've decided to stick with your M. You're my role model!

I recently saw in someone else's thread, where you posted your story of how you worked on yourself, GAL etc, and your W had a breakdown on the living room floor. I encourage you to repost that in this thread. It was probably the most empowering thing I've read here.

If you wouldn't mind, I'd love for you to check out my thread and give me your $.02 on my sitch.

Don't stop being awesome!
Posted By: BluWave Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 04:22 AM
Hey TxHub!

Thank you for updating your sitch and pos developments. I am really happy for you, and not because you decided to stay and work on the M, but because you seem confident/resolved in your choices. I think we both know that this piecing process is not linear and can be more of a 3 steps fwd and then 2 steps back.

I think a lot of posters/DBers (and ourselves included in the early stages) put most of their focus on getting the S back. We are DBing are tails off and to some extent waiting to see if they come back, all the while trying to convince ourselves it is for us. Somewhere along the way, we realize it really IS for us and not to win them back. This is the point where we increase our odds that they do come back, as the real detachment has begun. As you have all said, not all do, and for many they will never come back.

Your sitch is of particular relevance to me because you went through a period recently where you said you were done piecing and filing for D. You said more than once that even tho your W had been remorseful and committed to the M (done everything you needed), she was still tainted and would always be. This def had an affect on me because at times I feel the same way, and even to the point that I felt defensive with you because I am trying to fight that feeling! I have said more than once that if I leave my M and a become the WAW, I don't want it to be because of the A alone(one difficult time period) but that I want it to be because the M cannot work. I am still struggling to put head over heart. I haven't updated, but I have asked H for separation.

So I am wondering if you can dig a bit deeper for us. What was the mental/emotional shift that happened? What was your thinking and you feeling that helped you to make this decision? I mean what really changed here? Can you share those details.

Thank you,
Blu
Posted By: cadence Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 04:38 AM
Really happy to read this, Tx. I felt sad for you with your earlier announcement. My instinct was that you were angry and letting it color your view. I became more certain when I saw you reject any suggestion that you were angry.

Whereas I think anger is going to come and go over the years. It will lessen over time and the stretches will be further, but I'm not sure it will ever go away totally.

Good on you. I don't think you're settling. I think you're growing.
Posted By: Cristy Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 05:05 AM
Hello TxHubby,

Thank you so much for sharing your personal success story!

You clearly did (and are still doing) the hard work and are enjoying the benefits. Bravo!

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Posted By: TxHubby Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 05:10 AM
Originally Posted By: holding
TXHubby, your story is so inspiring! I'm happy to hear you're in a place of strength, and that you've decided to stick with your M. You're my role model!

I recently saw in someone else's thread, where you posted your story of how you worked on yourself, GAL etc, and your W had a breakdown on the living room floor. I encourage you to repost that in this thread. It was probably the most empowering thing I've read here.

If you wouldn't mind, I'd love for you to check out my thread and give me your $.02 on my sitch.

Don't stop being awesome!


Just read up on it and gave my $.02 worth on that thread. I think your situation is salvageable. That's not a guarantee but I think it is. When you pulled back she started reaching out. That is a key indicator that this is salvageable. Don't get too excited about that or jump back to R talk just because you get a positive sign. You're too busy with an awesome new life without her to do that. Good luck.
Posted By: TxHubby Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 05:36 AM
Originally Posted By: BluWave
So I am wondering if you can dig a bit deeper for us. What was the mental/emotional shift that happened? What was your thinking and you feeling that helped you to make this decision? I mean what really changed here? Can you share those details.

Thank you,
Blu


I weighed my two options and my vision of the future with both. I like being married. I like having someone to share my life with and to share theirs with me. All the joy, sorrow, successes, failures, etc. All of it. That's just me. I learned through this process that I don't have to have that. I learned as I went that I can cope with my failures and celebrate my successes all myself. I want someone to share my life with but I don't need someone to share my life with.

Understanding and accepting this has given me strength enough that I considered walking away from the long term M instead of just being thrilled that my WW figured herself out and wanted to stay with me. Although I contributed to her wanting to stay with me because I completely reinvented my life without her and it was a pretty good life, the decision was still hers...at the time.

Anyway, I weighed my future with her and my future without her. I know she's imperfect. I know she hurt me horrifically. I know she's capable of lying, cheating, and betraying me. Those are knowns about her.

I also know she herself was going through unchartered waters of aging and questioning your life. Hey, I did it too, I just didn't blow up our lives. I bought a Harley instead. Different people react differently. She made horrible choices and blew up our lives. I don't condone what she did but I do empathize with the mindset that got her there.

I won't go into all the gory details of the cheating the "love you not in love with you" the "I don't know what I want" crap. That's all MLC water under the bridge.

I changed my mind about D because although she has these negative known's, she also has so many positive known's. She's kind, funny, brilliant, clever, hard working, loving, caring, compassionate, loyal (funny as it is I believe that). She was a great mother and wife for 26 straight years.

What she did will leave a scar on my heart permanently. She knows that. What she wants to do is stand by my side and caress that scar and make it feel better any time it's starting to hurt again.

I changed my mind not because of me but because of her. I weighed it out and she has owned her actions, is very remorseful, has worked toward repairing our relationship even with great personal sacrifice to herself.

She has done everything for redemption that I could have listed and a few things I wouldn't have thought to list. That's the main reason I'm staying and even going to be 100% vulnerable with her again. That's tough because that scar is still there and always will be but I'm going to do it anyway. I don't feel like we can have an authentic rebuilt marriage unless we're both all-in and 100% vulnerable.

She has her own leap of faith to take because I filed once on her and she knows I'll do it again. She knows I'm different now. I'm not the "I'll stick with you no matter what" guy anymore and that's a good thing. If I can impress anything onto readers here it's don't be that person. Don't be a guarantee for anyone or you invite them to treat you like crap. You're a prize to be won over and over. We all are. Act like it and demand nothing less.

Anyway, rambling on, in your sitch is hubby remorseful? Really remorseful? What has he or is he willing to sacrifice of himself for you and your M?
Posted By: BluWave Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 06:35 AM
TxHub,

Thank you for the reply. I get it. There have been times recently that I could have said so much of the same. I keep telling myself "head over heart." "Make good and logical choices. Don't lead by emotions. Look at your life and M on the grander scale." What you say makes complete sense to me.

It is interesting that you say "I don't feel like we can have an authentic rebuilt marriage unless we're both all-in and 100% vulnerable." I have thought the exact same way all along. I just can't get there with him. I wonder if my feeling that way is what holds me back tho, or maybe I am just not there yet?

I don't want to hijack your thread, so I will update mine. Basically my H has done/said all that one could hope for to enter piecing and he has been pretty consistent. Something has just been lost on me...

Thank you again. ... I am happy for you :-)

Blu
Posted By: TxHubby Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 07:14 AM
Originally Posted By: BluWave
It is interesting that you say "I don't feel like we can have an authentic rebuilt marriage unless we're both all-in and 100% vulnerable." I have thought the exact same way all along. I just can't get there with him. I wonder if my feeling that way is what holds me back tho, or maybe I am just not there yet?


Don't beat yourself up over this feeling. I know exactly how that feels. I had even told my wife that I'd never fully trust her again and could never be 100% vulnerable with her again. I came to figure out over time that my M was doomed to failure if I stuck to these guns. I have to take a leap of faith, hand her a dagger and expose my heart to her. That's the only way this works. My safety net is knowing that if she takes the dagger and plunges it into my heart sometime in the future that I've already been there, done that, and know two things for sure. 1. I'll survive and 2. I'll move on and be just fine without her.

If you truly believe those two things about your sitch then you'll find the strength to go all-in and be vulnerable again. If you're not ready then you're not ready. Explain that to hubby and ask for patience. After all you've been through, that's not much to ask for.
Posted By: hoosjim Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 08:37 AM
Quote:
What she did will leave a scar on my heart permanently. She knows that. What she wants to do is stand by my side and caress that scar and make it feel better any time it's starting to hurt again.


Dang it, you made me cry again you you dirty _____________.
Posted By: Tread Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 08:45 AM
TxHubby,

Like I mentioned to you another thread. You have inspired to get back to myself. If you could take a look at my sitch and let me know what you think, I would very much appreciate it.
Posted By: Forbet Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 10:00 AM
Thanks for your post TxHubby

As someone who is currently in Limbo and trying to figure out what to do, your post has been very helpful and inspiring.

Cheers
Posted By: BluWave Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 04:39 PM
Originally Posted By: TxHubby
Don't beat yourself up over this feeling. I know exactly how that feels. I had even told my wife that I'd never fully trust her again and could never be 100% vulnerable with her again. I came to figure out over time that my M was doomed to failure if I stuck to these guns. I have to take a leap of faith, hand her a dagger and expose my heart to her. That's the only way this works. My safety net is knowing that if she takes the dagger and plunges it into my heart sometime in the future that I've already been there, done that, and know two things for sure. 1. I'll survive and 2. I'll move on and be just fine without her.

If you truly believe those two things about your sitch then you'll find the strength to go all-in and be vulnerable again. If you're not ready then you're not ready. Explain that to hubby and ask for patience. After all you've been through, that's not much to ask for.


Wow. Thank you. I understand your point completely. I have thought so much about this. I have even handed him the dagger, only to turn around and snatch it back! 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. This month has been 4 steps back. Ugh. It's so, so hard....

Thank you for giving me some MUCH needed hope today with your posts :-)

Blu
Posted By: Jim1234 Re: I'm staying married - 06/27/17 07:38 PM
Thank you for the inspiration. Well done!
Posted By: Stormchaser Re: I'm staying married - 06/28/17 03:06 AM
Good post, Tx.

With my sitch, getting a life was a huge catalyst in making things better. I switched from being a nervous couch potato who was afraid of everything due to my mental health issues to someone that radically changed for the better. I flew for the first time ever. Took my wife to a tropical location. Changed my hair style, shaved my chest (ok, I get mocked for this), lost weight, hit the gym 4x a week. My wife is in the fitness field and now has a guy that she always wanted. We work out regularly now and push each other.

That being said, its not all unicorns and rainbows. I'm STILL pissed she chose infidelity over divorce. But I cannot continue to live in the past, for I will be doomed to repeat it. I need to continue on the constant and never ending improvement on my end. Continue with IC. Keep boundaries enforced. And most of all, communicate like crazy. No more passive agressive-ness from each other.

I couldn't have done it (reconciliation) had she not been remorseful. However, I definitely did change once I found out about her indescritions. I didn't sit and say "oh woe is me" and cry a river about it. I got off my arse and did something. She was SHOCKED at the fury I showed, thinking I would simply blow this off. She wasn't prepared for me telling her to leave the house. She wasn't prepared for the onslaught of hatred from the kids.

My biggest mistake to this day was listening to my old IC and MC who advised me to BEG her back. Once I showed some sorrow and tried to woo her back with flowers, she started holding the upper hand on me. Blaming me for cheating. The MC agreed. It was a year of torture. Once I saw my new IC, all that stopped and I got my testicles back. W still worked with OM, but my new IC helped me regain my strength and it was about a month later she resigned.

I feel good about us now. And I know that I can live with or without her. She's welcome to join me on the new life I've created. If not, I'm ok. It'll take a bit, but if I can survive this, I can survive anything.
Posted By: dusty70 Re: I'm staying married - 06/28/17 11:31 PM
I couldn't have done it (reconciliation) had she not been remorseful. However, I definitely did change once I found out about her indescritions. I didn't sit and say "oh woe is me" and cry a river about it. I got off my arse and did something. She was SHOCKED at the fury I showed, thinking I would simply blow this off. She wasn't prepared for me telling her to leave the house. She wasn't prepared for the onslaught of hatred from the kids.


TxHubby Congrats on your situation, gave me a little hope that I could survive this. Not saving my marraige but saving myself!
I quoted the above from StormChaser, my WW and I had to talk the other night about logistical stuff regarding the divorce filing ie.... custody, house etc.... As we discussed talking to the kids I asked her is she prepared to answer a question. She said to me "what question" if one of our kids asks us if we cheated how will she answer? She had a full meltdown and finally said she would need a couple days to think about it. We've had family's around us get divorced because of infidelity so my kids are under the impression that this is why marriages fail. So, "I told her that you better prepare for that question because I will not help you on this, you're on your own. Good luck with that" She didn't like that but oh well, I'm not the one who cheated!
Posted By: TxHubby Re: I'm staying married - 06/29/17 01:07 AM
Originally Posted By: Forbet
Thanks for your post TxHubby

As someone who is currently in Limbo and trying to figure out what to do, your post has been very helpful and inspiring.

Cheers


Passive limbo where you're waiting on pins and needles to see if your spouse will snap out of it and wise up will kill you. It's too emotionally painful. I know. It was killing me literally.

While you're in limbo disregard your spouse. Fill that time with plans and activities for your future with or without your spouse. Make nothing you plan dependent on the outcome of your marriage. Make all your plans solely dependent on you and about you. Fill your life with these positive activities and all the sudden limbo is no big deal to you.
Posted By: TxHubby Re: I'm staying married - 06/29/17 01:12 AM
Originally Posted By: Stormchaser
Good post, Tx.

With my sitch, getting a life was a huge catalyst in making things better. I switched from being a nervous couch potato who was afraid of everything due to my mental health issues to someone that radically changed for the better. I flew for the first time ever. Took my wife to a tropical location. Changed my hair style, shaved my chest (ok, I get mocked for this), lost weight, hit the gym 4x a week. My wife is in the fitness field and now has a guy that she always wanted. We work out regularly now and push each other.

That being said, its not all unicorns and rainbows. I'm STILL pissed she chose infidelity over divorce. But I cannot continue to live in the past, for I will be doomed to repeat it. I need to continue on the constant and never ending improvement on my end. Continue with IC. Keep boundaries enforced. And most of all, communicate like crazy. No more passive agressive-ness from each other.

I couldn't have done it (reconciliation) had she not been remorseful. However, I definitely did change once I found out about her indescritions. I didn't sit and say "oh woe is me" and cry a river about it. I got off my arse and did something. She was SHOCKED at the fury I showed, thinking I would simply blow this off. She wasn't prepared for me telling her to leave the house. She wasn't prepared for the onslaught of hatred from the kids.

My biggest mistake to this day was listening to my old IC and MC who advised me to BEG her back. Once I showed some sorrow and tried to woo her back with flowers, she started holding the upper hand on me. Blaming me for cheating. The MC agreed. It was a year of torture. Once I saw my new IC, all that stopped and I got my testicles back. W still worked with OM, but my new IC helped me regain my strength and it was about a month later she resigned.

I feel good about us now. And I know that I can live with or without her. She's welcome to join me on the new life I've created. If not, I'm ok. It'll take a bit, but if I can survive this, I can survive anything.



Great story! I hope some people stuck where you and I used to be read these stories.
Posted By: BluWave Re: I'm staying married - 06/29/17 05:10 AM
TxHub & Storm,

Thank you. You both have really forced me to look at my sitch from a diff angle. Both of you really were able to look inside yourself, reflect, and start taking actions towards being a better you. It has been a reminder for me that I need to do more of that. If you have read my sitch, you know that I always svcked at DB and following the rules. I was so devastated and broken, and I spent more mental energy blaming H than looking at my part and changing myself!

He came back nonetheless, but in some ways I wasn't ready. I wasn't mentally strong. So we have been piecing for over 2 years and it has been especially hard. I can't say "I love the new and improved me," and I can't say that I tried hard enough. I know I need to try harder. But I do know that it's not too late. Perhaps the success in my M will be more in me starting that process now? Perhaps I can forgive and accept H if I feel better about me?

Just my thought this morning inspired by both of you fellas.
Thank you again :-)

Blu
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: I'm staying married - 06/29/17 07:52 AM
Originally Posted By: Stormchaser
With my sitch, getting a life was a huge catalyst in making things better.....


Awesome post Storm, it dovetails into the thread quite nicely! I shave my chest too so you're not alone, LOL! When my chest hair started turning grey I was like "OK that's it, say goodbye" laugh Plus if we invest all that time in the gym why not show it off as fully as possible smile I don't walk around the gym naked but man it gets hot in there in the summer (Crossfit box with no A/C) and sometimes I do take my shirt off in the middle of a workout because I feel like I can't breathe. Nothing like having guys 20 years younger come up and say "man I hope I look like you when I'm your age, or now for that matter" smile I don't need the ego boost, but I enjoy it!
Posted By: cdubbs Re: I'm staying married - 07/04/17 03:46 AM
A heartfelt thank you for sharing your story. It was both inspirational and educational as i start to write the next chapter of my life. I wish you the best going forward and will continue to follow.
Posted By: Stunned Re: I'm staying married - 07/04/17 06:21 AM
Txhub, your story is very inspirational for sure, I would love for you to take some time and read my thread and offer some advice. I know I've made some dbing mistakes along the way and most of the way but being not even 7 weeks into I felt like I can regroup in time to possibly turn things around especially for myself if not the R.
Posted By: CW2017 Re: I'm staying married - 07/04/17 10:15 AM
Like others Txhub I would like to thank you for your inspirational account. As someone who has recently come out of a 6 month limbo (through finally mentally preparing myself to confront and threaten her with D and have now started counselling) I can now visualise the various paths ahead but of course hope it is with a preserved marriage. It will never be the same again (not least the trust issues) but it MIGHT just be workable.

all the best
Posted By: dale165 Re: I'm staying married - 07/06/17 01:04 AM
TX,

Trying to pick your brain a bit if you don't mind. Hopefully this doesn't come across as immature which it is to an extent. Your story is awesome by the way.

I see that you were very blunt/aggressive with GAL in the ladder part of your journey. I'm getting that way myself and my schedule is getting too full. Went from staring at the wall for months to being constantly doing something. Its starting to do wonders for my personal confidence. My weakness has always been with women. I like the attention but as soon as I met my wife 7 years ago a switch went off. Only once can I remember caring about another woman's attention except my wife. I do remember drinking one night and flirting with another woman on a guys trip but I caught myself and walked away. That's about it in my seven year R with W. Fast forward to today, been 10-12 months since I was intimate with W. Barely got a kiss from her in this period. She had an affair and moved in with another man in October. Faith based reasons aside, I waited patiently for something to resolve. No big breakthroughs. So now that I lost 25 lbs and in shape, working my referral pipeline (CPA so I'm somewhat slow), diving back into jiu jitsu, my life is taking a turn for the best. Getting attention from women is a byproduct. So with all that, my questions/concerns are threefold:

1) When you started getting attention from other women, what made you stay available for your wife?

2) How close were you to ending everything? Your life seemed awesome so Im guessing you were very close.

3) What's a good indication that its time to move on?

I'm not quite ready to throw in the towel but seeing your W once a month for a couple hrs stinks. Having a woman who was great at everything to having a women that lies about the sky is blue also stinks. I haven't moved on totally but just the thought of this has went from being depressed to anger/laughable. Jerry Springer analogy is great, I been using that one for awhile!
Posted By: LiM Re: I'm staying married - 07/06/17 11:06 AM
Originally Posted By: TxHubby
I had even told my wife that I'd never fully trust her again and could never be 100% vulnerable with her again. I came to figure out over time that my M was doomed to failure if I stuck to these guns.


Tx,

I just want to say that your advice to me was pivotal in helping me make it through my W's A. With your help (and many others) I did. I was serious about detaching, 180's and GAL. What the people on this forum need to understand is that you MUST truly do these things for YOU. If you don't, your WS will see right through it. If you DO, you will come out the other side a much better person, with our without your S. But what is most important is that your chances of saving your M are almost nil if you don't honestly do these things. You have to fully let go of your S if you want any chance of getting them back. You have to honestly be ready to move on without them. Once you drop the rope, everything changes.

In reading your comment above, I see that I am guilty of setting my W up for failure. I've kept myself from being vulnerable with her. I've tried but as soon as there is a set back, I withdraw. The recovery for the WS is just as difficult for it is for the LBS. The LBS cannot expect the WS to do all the work. If you want the M to be saved, you've got to dig in and get your hands dirty. As you told me, you've got to be ready to eat some $h!t sandwiches. Looking back at the last few months, I can see that I haven't done as much as I could be doing. WE have to be the one that stands up for the M. WE have to be the one that shows to way. WE have to be the pillar.

When I first read that you were looking to leave your M, I sensed an incredible amount of anger and hurt. You have every right to be angry and hurt. I don't know if our WS's can ever understand what its like to go through this. I'm glad for you, your W and family that you've found a way to keep moving forward.
Posted By: BluWave Re: I'm staying married - 07/11/17 03:35 PM
Lim, I agree with you. There are two things that need to happen: 1. the turning focus inwards and growing as a person--180, GAL, introspection, and then those choices/efforts lead to detachment. 2. Is dropping the rope and letting go of the expectation that the consequences of your actions will bring them back. This leads to a deeper level of detachment.

I think if these things are done harmoniously, we not only improve our personal outcomes and growth, but we simultaneously increase the chance they will want to come back. I think while we must do these things in order for them to come back and in order for piecing to be productive, there is also a third element of which we have zero influence. Some would come back despite this work not being, while others won't regardless. That unknown is somewhat overlooked, but hard to identify because it may have more to do with who they are and their process. We often talk about our S's as if they are all aliens, MLC, and in a fog, however I am not sure that is always the case. Some may just be choosing to leave the M and are resolved in that choice.

I think my H would have come back even had I not DB. I didn't actually DB well at all. I keep this in mind when I give advice. I am still learning, slowly but surely. I think that has made some of my struggles in piecing harder--I have focused more on H's mistakes and betrayals, and less on my own process. So now I am trying to balance both, but not for him, more for me. That is what changes when they do come back--a different and more natural detachment (protective) process.

Tx, how are things going with you and W?

Blu
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: I'm staying married - 08/05/17 06:52 AM
The secret to success.....get jacked and be a MAN! I love it. TX I love your story....I showed up at my W's place for kid exchange after work with a tight shirt on and I know she took notice asked how I was doing and how my visit was with my parents. The funny thing is that I have always worked out and have had great tone but during that time she never commented once. Over the past year I slacked off some, gained some weight and before I left she told me I was fat. I was 6'2 and about 250. I told her in all the years I worked out she never commented once and now I find out she cares. SMH. It is now my personal mission to make an even better version of myself. When you walk out of the gym with the blood in your muscles you feel on top of the world and there is nothing that cheating spouse can do about it! AMEN TX!!!
Posted By: Maika Re: I'm staying married - 08/05/17 08:08 AM
Going to the gym and working out is just frikkin' amazing. Simply the best physical GAL that I can think of. I always wanted to learn boxing and after I am a bit stronger and jacked again, I am going to treat myself to some boxing lessons.
Posted By: Chris73 Re: I'm staying married - 08/05/17 02:59 PM
Inspiring stuff TxHubby. Just what I needed to read right now. Thanks for sharing and grats on the fresh start!
Posted By: Gordie Re: I'm staying married - 08/06/17 01:16 AM
Txhubby,

Really awesome post, inspiring and thought provoking. I am 11 months into this thing and you are right waiting in limbo will kill you.

Reading your post, it's clear I've made progress on myself but haven't gotten to where I need to go. 180s in selfish behaviors. Check. Lose weight and improve appearance. Check (even bugs w when other women notice). Take career up a notch. Check.

The part where I am faking it is in knowing that I don't need w but want her. In my heart I still feel that I need her. Well, it took you three years, so maybe there is hope for me.

The other part where I need to further improve is GAL. I definitely am more independent and indulging in my own interests, but I could definitely take it up a level or two.
Posted By: Tread Re: I'm staying married - 08/06/17 03:14 AM
TxHubby,

You clearly was a patient man to endure all of that for 3 years. Guess my question would be what is the reason you didn't get to that point sooner? Right now, I feel I definitely don't need W. But actually wanting her is rare. At this point I want her gone more days than wanting her to stay.

Also what was your W doing for 3 years? Sounds like she was just sitting around unwilling to make a real choice?
Posted By: Treasur Re: I'm staying married - 08/06/17 03:51 AM
I think the confusion of the limbo combined with the pain of the MLC rollercoaster can literally kill you. It is just brutal. I think you do detach in layers. Initially as a survival strategy, and then you move towards letting go of hoping for a given outcome that seems impossible, and then you move to dropping the rope because you're not sure you even want them back.

My detachment has undoubtedly saved my sanity. It has also predictably, either by coincidence or subconsciously, brought me STBXH out of months of silence. In my sitch, I don't think he feels remorse or wants to reconcile, OW is still in the picture and I think he believes she is his 'true love' and we were - I don't know - another him, 20 years of fake practice? No idea.

I actually don't know how I would react if he did want to reconcile, but as I see no sign of it, I'm not spending any time thinking about that. I think the best I can get from here is to mourn my dead M and the man I thought truly loved me, and get a decent settlement to keep me afloat while I build a new life as if he never existed really. Which is sad because we had years of love and joy and friendship and I miss him. But I don't think he is the same person now.
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